Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with heartbreak

How do I get out of this emotional hole and get things done?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:33:48 -0800

Seeking short-term coping mechanisms for being productive in school during a devastating breakup, and for comedy TV I can watch to help me through it. Long story inside. My partner of, let's say 4-8 years and I broke up about 5 weeks ago. We got together when we were both freshmen at our university and had an instant strong bond. It was a mutual breakup due to some relationship dysfunction that was related to a sexual health problem I have and anxiety/depression we each have. We have lived together for several years and while we're in the process of finding some way to move out, we are still roommates for now.
The first few days we were broken up, we both had a terrible time and cried a lot. We have remained friends with little drama, other than both having some crying spells, up until this weekend.
Due to some events this weekend, it really started to sink in that I may really be losing him for good and I began to panic. Things came to a head and in the middle of the night I told him how I felt and it was very emotional for both of us. We ended up having sex. I didn't realize, but at the time, he was drunk (I was exhausted from crying and not sleeping). While we were having sex (which was his move), we were talking about things we wanted to do sexually in the future. The next morning, though, we kissed again (again his move) and said sexual things toward me. Not an hour later, we talked about what we wanted to do relationship-wise. Basically he said he doesn't think it's a good idea for us to get back together right now.
I'm totally crushed. I told him he betrayed me, fucked with my head, and that I just wanted to know why he would so something like that to me after normally treating me well. He says he was stupid to do those things last night and this morning, and he did them because he was confused about how he felt and thought maybe we could get back together. I feel so betrayed, used, and just hopeless. We're part of each others families. Before the breakup, we often talked of concrete life plans like marriage and kids. When we technically "broke up," it didn't feel so real or permanent and we've continued to live life as normal, hanging out just with no romantic contact.
Making matters worse, I'm a first-year law student in the throes of finals studying time. This weekend I have done nothing for school. I don't even think I can get through classes without bursting into tears randomly. Missing much class is not really an option, but I know I can't go tomorrow. I can't get out of bed right now. I don't know how I can get through the semester. There are counseling services that I plan to utilize, but until I can get in, I am in a wandering panic.
I have no friends to talk to about this. All of my friends are either friends with him, too, or friends who live out of state and I haven't been in close contact with recently enough to call up with my problems. I'm don't really talk to my parents or siblings about personal stuff like this.
I don't like dating or the whole game of trying to meet people. He and I became friends and were very close before any romance occurred. I don't feel like that kind of connection will be easy to find again any time soon.
I've read tons of breakup related AskMes, and some of the things in there have been helpful, especially the thing about "existential panic"

1. Are there any general suggestions for what I can do to get through the day(s) until I can get some counseling?
2. One thing that does help calm me is watching DVDs of The Office. I've seen them all so many times in the past month that it's almost not working anymore. Any other shows like this, such as ones about people with run of the mill lives with comedy and some realistic life sadness would probably help, too.
3. What can I do to try to be productive and not keep breaking down while studying? I can't leave the house, which usually helps, because I will probably start crying randomly, and at home, all I can do is zone out playing solitaire and watching The Office to keep from bawling constantly.

Sorry for such a long story, but I really felt I needed to give all the details for this to make sense, and my mind isn't so clear for editing.
If you have any advice you don't want to put here, you can email heartbrokenmefite@gmail.com

i love you. but i dont love you

stillnocturnal — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 21:34:21 -0800

How do i deal with having a best friend i simply cant afford to lose breaking my heart? My best friend lives in another city, and i am madly in love with him. I know general wisdom is, it cant really be love if they dont love you back. The catch is, he says he loves me. He says im beautiful and im wonderful and he wishes he could be around to hold me when im miserable. But he thinks "we'd destory each other if we were together". Or more accurately, he doesnt want to date me.

Other info as follows:
1) We actually became friends because he had a crush on me. He used to be in love with me, and actually want to date me, and ive heard all the sweet stories about how he changed seats to sit next to me in school

2) We are friends with benefits. And afterwards we snuggle, and he tells me he loves me. And i have to leave and repeat "he does not want to date me, he does not want to date me" in my head the day after

3) We have similar "issues". Hes the only person i feel safe with, id tell him anything. And he makes me a better person, i am less neurotic, more comfortable with myself, and happier when im with him. He is very good for me, apart from the fact i want more.

4) Not speaking to him again is not an option. The thought makes me want to throw up, and hes my only support system for when i feel depressed. Which is a lot of the time.

5) I can handle it most of the time, i try to accept it as what it is, which is fun and not permanent. But he can be so caring and loving that i forget a wee bit, and then it gets brought home again and i feel like my heart breaks. again.

6) It is love. Ive taken all the litimus tests, and i just want him to be happy, and if he doesnt want to date me, thats fine. I wouldnt want to force it. But god damn it every little thing he does makes me love him more.

7) not speaking to him again is not option.

I need coping mechanisms. And advice. And a hug. But if i can get justk the first two from ask mefi ill be overjoyed.
Oh, and hes not an asshole. Hes an amazing person, i promise.

Divorce support

beccaj — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 19:55:55 -0800

A friend's husband just anounced he wants a divorce- help me help her... She is a sweet sweet person. She married her high school sweetheart which may have been her only boyfriend... after 17 years of marriage he decided he doesn't want to be married. She is in shock and hurt and feeling alone and a million other things.

I am going to meet with her soon and I want to bring her a gift basket. Maybe a bottle of wine, some fresh picked berries, and I am looking for more suggestions. Keep in mind she can barely function- working full time, going to back to school, raising two girls - so I thought something like fresh baked cookies etc. Also- a book. Was there a self help that helped you deal with divorce??

For those who have dealt with something like this what would have/did help you??

Getting over someone who completely gave themsleves to you.

Anonymous — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 07:44:51 -0800

So there was a girl (as all of these things tend to start). She gave herself to me utterly in the BDSM and just plain loving sense, and meant it. We had a stormy but passionate relationship, and in retrospect I treated her badly during it. We'd broken up and weren't talking but I felt I'd left her alone to protect her from disappointment. We talked again, and we tried to go out...then she said she was no longer in love with me. I'm not an emotive person, and I guess I've never really felt heartbreak before (I'm late 20s). How do I get over this? The thing that is striking me at the moment is that I didn't realise quite how much I needed her love. I was infinitely happier not talking to her, but knowing I was in her heart...and I was. We went out for about 5 years. Then the last time we broke up, I said I'd never speak to her again. I thought I hated her, but I think I was terrified that she might actually love me and then she could hurt me. The irony of realising that after she spent years trying to show me then stopped when we didn't talk for the 6 months in which I realised how much I loved her.

Amazingly, she said after all this that I am still her best friend, and she wants us to always be so. Her love in that respect amazes me, and I know she'll always be there for me like that. However being her friend and watching her fall in love wtih someone else is tearing me apart like nothing else ever has. Every day, I think of her, every day it feels like someone has died. My life is filled with a pervasive sense of loss and there is a hole in my heart. I miss her love, and I miss my anchor.

There are three questions I have, I guess.
a) How to move on from that, and indeed if it's possible to love someone so intensely that you miss them every day and still be their friend;
b) She refuses to say that she'll never be in love with me again, and not being able to let go of that is making me insane;
c) How to be civilised and not show that extreme passion to both actually be friends, and;
d) How to rebuild myself. I guess I defined myself quite a lot as someone loved utterly by her, even if we weren't talking.

This might sound simple, but I've never been that emotive before. Any advice is appreciated.

Why can't I quit her? My head says NO but my heart says GO. please HELP!

anonymous35 — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 19:42:49 -0800

Why can't I quit her? My head says NO but my heart says GO. please HELP! Some pretext before you start reading: I'm a pretty conservative guy. I've only had one serious relationship in the past (for one year and it ended badly when I started attending college). The prospect of one-night stands aren't that appealing to me. In the four years I attended undergrad, I've had opportunities to 'hook up' with girls but decided to pass if there wasn't a prospective of a relationship. In short, I was always looking for that special connection with someone. I never found it throughout college (in part because I wasn't actively looking; instead I sacrificed the latter two years of my social life for academics). Things changed recently with a person I never ever thought of as a potential girlfriend.

Here are the details:

I'm 23, recently graduated and work full time. She's 20, and will be a rising junior at the school I graduated from. We are both from the same hometown but school separates us 100 miles apart during the semester.

We met through a mutual friend, actually her ex-boyfriend (and only bf) of two years. I consider him a good friend and while the two were dating, it NEVER crossed my mind that I could see her as a potential girlfriend. However, they had a falling out as soon as she left for her freshman year (my senior year); they don't speak to each other anymore, I don't speak to him at all anymore, (and he has moved four states over).

Things started heating up this past winter when she came back from school and I had time off from work. We hung out on a daily basis, and although there was nothing intimate, there was a special bond forming between us. Daily hugs were long and drawn out, we would hold hands and cuddle on the couch for movies. After she left to go back for school, I thought that would be the end of communication, but she constantly texted me, which would follow up with me calling her every two or three days. I would never call her on the weekend out of respect for her space and allowing her to 'enjoy the social college scene'. Plus, I didn't want to be a burden if I called everyday. Conversations would be filled with nothing and everything, and for the first time in a long time, I finally felt that special connection. We flirted through text and I talked about going to visit her. However, things reached a boiling point when I mentioned the idea of visiting her for valentine's day, in which she abruptly told me that the flirting had to stop. She said she wasn't ready for a relationship, wanted to explore her options with other guys but wanted us to stay amicable and be 'friends'. Yes, the dreaded F word. Caught in the moment, and in an act of desperation, I told her everything that was on my mind and how I felt about her, how it was only the beginning of something special, and how I didn't want to lose that. It culminated into me running out of words to say and us deciding to take a break from talking to let things cool.

Fast forward two weeks later (late Feb). I caved. I texted her a simple, 'how are you doing', and this vicious cycle continued again. Flirting. Laughing. Long passionate hugs and holding hands. Pretending everything was the same again before that 'talk'. She would now start sending emails to me at work. I visited her a few times, with the first time slept over (but on her couch), and most recently (about a month ago) slept over with her. However, things did not get intimate, and I did not want to bring up the issue in an effort to avoid that awkwardness. Note: a main reason why I am attracted to her is that she is very conservative and although we didn't get intimate, I definitely felt it was progress from both sides.

Two weeks ago, I went back to school for a big concert and she knew I would be in town, however, not a single call or text Fri or Sat. I gave her a call and we met up for a picnic Sun. Things were going smoothly until I dropped her off, and in a jokingly way said 'hey, you never called me the last few days'. She shrugged it off and said 'you know we are really good friends. You have your friends at home and I have mine at school'. We left things at that
and there have been one or two texts between us the last two weeks. I've tried to give her space by not calling her at all, especially since final exams are this week. But in the last few days, I feel like salt is being poured on my open heart wound - on her facebook, she's been flirting with a new guy non-stop whom she met through her best friend at school.

I have not said or mentioned a single word to her about this new guy, nor have I called her in almost two weeks. However, in the past five months, if there was a lull in the communication I would call her and things would be 'back to normal' and have escalated progressively each time. This is where my ambivalence sets in - I can't help to think that if I cut her off completely, then I would lose out on the opportunity. The only reason I am seriously contemplating contacting her is that I just don't want to look back and regret not doing enough at the time.

Perhaps in the back of my mind, I keep thinking that something 'great' would eventually develop out of this 'not so much friends, yet not gf/bf' relationship. However, it has become too taxing on my heart, with all the rollercoaster up and downs associated with it. I feel like I am perpetually trying to catch that prized fish, I know exactly where it is, keep dipping in the water, but only get nibs back. If I continue to try, will I eventually catch it?
I told myself I would never want to be the guy that would do all the chasing, and in order for a relationship to work, both sides would have to put in equal weight. In some aspects this hurts more than my first (and only) serious relationship post-break up. For my first relationship, the timing was right but the connection (looking back now) wasn't that great. Now, in my current situation, the connection is off the charts, but the timing is a little off. I am extremely attracted to her physically but can't see us being only friends.

I'm stuck in a rut now and I don't know which way to turn. The past year since my graduation has been a downward spiral. I had a great paying job with a career path set up, but was laid off due to the economy two months into 'the real world'. Returned back home and found another job, live at home, and give half my paycheck to my folks to help out with the mortgage because my father lost his job as well. The opportunities to meet women are bleak, since the demographics within the new company are middle-aged and with families.

So which way do I turn? Run for the hills and cut her off (something I don't think I am ready for yet), or continue to keep it casual (even though it burns like hell to find out about this new guy)? I am still (foolishly perhaps) holding onto the hope that when she gets back home for the summer, we would have more time together as she wouldn't be bogged down with schoolwork and the distance.

I sincerely appreciate any advice you guys have. Thanks for listening (and reading).

Recommendations for films about infidelity

Conductor71 — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 11:59:08 -0800

Have you seen any really depressing films about infidelity, jealousy and heartbreak? I recently suffered some especially grievous heartbreak. I want to take advantage of the self-pitying stage to indulge in some really miserable films*, before moving on with my life.

Anyone got any suggestions for films that involve cheating, heartbreak, rejection etc.? Especially ones without a happy ending.

I'm not familiar with the work of Ingmar Bergman, but I've heard his oeuvre would be good for a wallow. Agree?

*(brief relationshipfilter aside: is this a really bad idea?)

How do I move on?

Yasuo — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 14:03:02 -0800

Still new to relationships and the heartbreak that comes with. Somewhat long post with teen angst inside. I have worked up the courage to post this question after weeks of searching and reading threads related to heartbreak on both Google and MeFi. Perhaps receiving advices specifically to my situation would assist me some more. This is possibly a simple situation to most of you adults, but I seem to be having a difficult time. First off, some background info because I suppose this would help evaluate my feelings and actions (especially the age part). I'm a 16-year-old girl who's daily activities consist of either going to school or browsing the internet. It has been this way for many years. I have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend nor even bothered dating. Therefore I am short on experiences to fall on.

The internet became more of a problem earlier this year when I fell in love with a girl from another country, whom I met on an internet community of an underground hobby. I've admired her art from afar, and felt an instant attraction to when we spoke a year later because I have a soft spot for artsy people. I am quite aware of unconsciously using fantasies to "fill in the voids" of any internet relationship, but I fell infatuated with her nonetheless. We mostly chatted on messenger, but have used webcam a few times too.

Our friendship hit it's peak when she was free to lounge around the computer over the summer. We both knew we had a thing for each other, but decided against acting on it because distance is a factor. We would make plans to collaborate projects together in the future, like building a website, but our time together slowly weaned when she entered college.

Before all the following bullshit happened, I tried ending our friendship when school started. College had helped her realize reality, and she stopped seeing me as more than a friend within a week. I had a feeling I would react like a total immature asshole if I hung on, but she wanted me to try anyways because she valued our friendship and that I had to find other ways of dealing with myself without hurting other people.

In the meantime, I would suffer some withdrawal-like symptoms, becoming more obsessive, and thinking about her every minute. I would become indecisive and angry towards her, trying to provoke her into becoming angry with me to show that she still cared (which, by the way, never worked). I now know after browsing MeFi that I shouldn't have listened for my own sake because all it did was to delay the inevitable heartbreak. I believe her plea contributed to a large chunk of the heartbreak I'm feeling now, and thus where I need advice most.

We had our on and offs that lasted a couple days each time I would get angry at her for not speaking to me more, until five weeks ago when she decided to end our friendship definitely. She claims that school work takes most of her time, and being bulimic has "sucked the life out of her". She couldn't maintain our friendship anymore because of time, lack of energy, and motivation. That she wanted me to be happy, and it wasn't anything I've done the past months. (Yeah, right.) Desperately trying to win her back, I told her what she told me -- to deal with problems without hurting anyone else, and I offered to be the friend who would be there for her. She replied back pleading that she's too tired to deal with this now, that if I really wanted to be a friend, I would wait for her to speak to me again. She said it was her last message to me, and that she won't respond to me anymore until then.

My initial reaction was shock that she wouldn't even return the favor of trying, and that she would dare tell me to wait for her as it would delay the process of grieving some more. I felt it wasn't fair that she has college which possibly helped her move on and to gain better perspective.

We've only been friends for eight months, and I'm still heartbroken on week five. Not only have I lost someone whom I connected with more so than others, I'm also guilt-ridden for being an asshole to her because I couldn't stop being infatuated with her, and that she did not return the favor of trying to maintain the friendship like I had. I read her blog sometimes too, and it's so heartbreaking to see her going through tough times battling bulimia and that I can't be there for her.

As I'm typing this now, my eyes are tearing up and my thoughts are still jumbled up. What is the right thing to do for me? How do I make peace with this?

Heal Thyself

anonnymoose — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 20:30:04 -0800

How do I heal a broken heart? I am dealing with a doozy of a heartache, the likes of which I have (thankfully) never experienced before. What surefire, foolproof get-over-it and heal-thyself techniques can you recommend to help me break the lingering limerant response, mend myself, protect my heart while it's still tender, and move on as quickly as possible? Practical, hands-on suggestions are encouraged.

She went with the other guy

The1andonly — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 07:15:35 -0800

How can I move and forget about someone who just 10 months ago was my girlfriend but now just got married? I know that this question (perhaps not with the exact circumstances) has been asked plenty of times in askmefi...However I couldnt help but ask again, as reading other responses did not help. About 10 months ago I broke up with someone with whom I had a very passionate and loving relationship but for plenty of reasons werent quite meant to be together...(If you are curious about the details read my very first question, it is an absolute mess but probably quite entertaining)

After the break-up I decided to focus on myself....my music, getting in shape and even some light dating. However each and every day I managed to think about her and miss her. I assumed that this is a normal part of the process but everytime news about her reached me I felt extremely misserable and it is like I am relieving the break-up over and over again. Three months after we broke up I found out she had a boyfriend and 7 months later I found out she married him....now being that I was with her for almost 3 years (without adding those months we were dating) I feel shocked, amazed, and extremely hurt about the latest turn of events.

I feel that the person I knew, that the person i was with was someone else and I dont know where all of that went....that the relationship I was in was simply fake and I was just a stand in for the next guy......as if marriage was just a slot that in her mind any guy could fit...and I also feel that I shouldn't care but for some reason I do.....

Her cousin (the person who told me about the marriage) confirms that nobody is sure of why she married him other than pressure from her parents and that well probably because he asked

I dont want to dwell on these facts any longer, I want to know if some of you have been in similar situations and what did you do to make it better?

Should I kick her out?

cincinnatus c — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 06:08:36 -0800

I have a really messed-up break-up situation. Is what I am about to do fair? I'll try to describe it as briefly as possible, but it is complicated.

I love her madly, but she is totally messed up with depression, anxiety, insecurity, indecision and inaction.

We broke up, got back together, broke up again. It's three years since we started going out. The first break up, at the beginning of this year, lasted three months, and we have been split up now for two.

We broke up and got back together for reasons to do with us. But before we broke up she'd become close to some guy she works with. While we broke up she kind of started going out with him. When we got back together she continued to hang around with him in a way that made me insanely jealous. And when we broke up recently she started seeing him again immediately.

In about three weeks she is moving hundreds of miles away to do an MA. We were supposed to be moving together. Though she wanted to do the MA, her depression meant she hadn't got round to even applying to do it. (She said that in the time we split up originally she had wanted to show that she could do things on her own, and the fact that when we got back together she'd done nothing made her feel like a failure.) I had to literally sit down next to her and make her fill in the forms. I had to write the emails requesting references, and check her email for her during the whole process. Her feeling dependent on me contributed to both our break ups.

She is moving hundreds of miles away in three weeks, and she hasn't arranged a place to stay, or worked out how she's going to move her stuff, or arranged funding, though she is getting round to these things. She is stressed and talks about it constantly, which is kind of annoying since my own plans are now in disarray.

Anyway, here's where the messed-up stuff begins: we were supposed to be moving together. The lease on her flat ended in the middle of July, and the plan had been that she was going to stay at mine until we moved. But we broke up at the beginning of July. She didn't get around to arranging a place to stay, and madly I offered to let her stay at mine anyway. I thought it might be unhealthy, that it could make me miserable, but I thought that after being so miserable for so long I could take another couple of months of it in the worst case. She accepted.

I live in one room. She moved all her stuff in boxes into mine, and they fill up half the room. We sleep in the same bed. We sleep in each other's arms. Sometimes we have sex, but she is trying to keep a distance between us so mostly she's quite cold about that, which does drive me crazy. It's been a surprisingly nice time together, mostly. We're happy when we're together. But then I find myself falling in love again, daily, and sometimes we fall into talking about resentments about the past and the future. Often she's said that we shouldn't be living together, and often she's said that she is still thinking about whether she wants us to be together, even though I say (only half truthfully) that I don't want to be with her because of all that's happened.

Yesterday, Saturday, morning, she went away for a couple of days to look after the flat of a friend who was going away and to have some space to think about things. The night before we'd had a conversation we shouldn't have had, a pretty bad one, and in the morning she'd again said that this situation wasn't healthy. She comes back tomorrow, Monday, night.

In the month she's been living with me she hasn't seen much of this other guy, except at work, I think to be tactful to me. But they were going to be hanging out yesterday, and then, I know, inevitably they would spend the night together. And, after everything, I can't take it. I tried to go out last night and have fun, but I couldn't think of anything else, and came home early to write her an email saying that she had to move out, and move her stuff out, and that I wanted no contact with her after that. I haven't sent this email yet.

But is this fair? Should I send the email or wait until she comes tomorrow and talk about it with her then? I think it is likely that she's gonna come back having decided that she wants to go stay somewhere else anyway, but then I fear that it's gonna happen in a compromised way, with her keeping her stuff at mine, and us seeing each other now and then, and for the sake of my own sanity I don't think I can take it. (At the same time, I want her to stay here, because I am happy when she's around, even in this stupid situation, and it delays the inevitable final heartbreak.)

She is very messed up, and I don't want to mess her up further, but I feel used, duped (though I don't think she has consciously done these things) and taken for granted. I feel like a total doormat. And I suppose, selfishly, I don't want to have her disappear anyway with me in this role. I want her to experience losing me fully now, rather than just as a vague loss in the middle of her big move. And I don't think another three weeks of this is healthy for me, and I want her to go be fucking dependent on this other guy for a change.

At the same time, it is only three weeks, and I knew what I was getting into, I suppose. So even if she goes to stay somewhere else, maybe I should be there for her when she needs me, maybe I shouldn't make her move her stuff out of mine when she's gonna have to move it again so soon. A lot of her friends have moved away in the last year, which helped to make her so dependent on me, and she has no friend in town that she is genuinely close to. I don't want to mess her up any more, as I said, and I absolutely don't want to sabotage her move. Should I be totally selfish finally or just suck it up for a bit longer? And if I'm going to be selfish, should I do it now, by email, or wait to talk to her, knowing that I might not be so certain when I see her?

If this terrible ramble makes sense at all, all opinions appreciated.

breaking up is hard to do

Anonymous — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 18:51:30 -0800

How do you break up with someone you love, for purely selfish reasons? My boyfriend and I (late-20s, fwiw) have been together for four years, living together for two. We have a mostly good relationship and love each other very much, but staying with him has meant that I have had to to sacrifice a lot of things I wanted in life. I knew this going into the relationship and I thought I would be okay with it, but I have realized over the past few months that I'm not okay with it anymore and I feel like I'm being held back from the kind of life I want to lead.

I can barely imagine life without him, but I think life with him is going to end with lots of regret and resentment on my side and that's not good for anyone, so I think it's time for us to move on, but... how?

Just thinking about it makes it difficult for me to breathe. We nearly broke up a couple years ago after some near-infidelity on his part, but I quickly took him back because I couldn't stand seeing him (or me, for that matter) in such pain... I can't imagine I'll be able to be any stronger when I don't even have any justifiable reasons for wanting to end the relationship, and now that we live together it seems impossibly harder.

How do I break up with him without hurting him (more than necessary, at least), taking him back, or going crazy myself?

Should i give him one more chance?

Waterbear — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 12:00:22 -0800

To get back together or not to get back together....that is the question....(of course it's a lot messier than that.........) Was with my bf for 4 years (i'm 31 now and he is 32). Most of that time, besides maybe the first 6-months of honeymoon period, were not good. We fought all the time, mostly about the fact that he was completely and utterly emotionally unavailable. He would go days without calling or talking to me, then be angry and distant when i got upset about it, and/or call me 'needy' (which i know now i most definetely am not). He rarely showed me any type of love (asides from sex, which was always fantastic), and never wanted to talk about anything. In fact, whenever I tried to bring up the fact that I was really miserable and we needed to do something about it he would get angry and a fight would start. After much convincing, he came to a couples therapist with me and sat like a stone through the 3 sessions we went to. After a while I got sick of trying to convince him to go and we stopped. The therapist told me that basically i would be miserable with him b/c he was not willing to change, and had a lot of work to do and a lot to face up to, and to leave him.

We spent 4 years together (including 1 year living together in Japan during which time we were VERY isolated from family, friends, etc), and although we were close for a time, i never felt emotionally intimate with him, I always felt that if i left him he wouldn't care at all. We broke up briefly in 2006, but he begged me back, saying he had changed, and I gave him a 2nd chance only to have him act even worse. Finally i ended things with him last May (2007). He was devastated (but he acted that way everytime I attempted to end things with him).

I met someone else really quickly because, to me, the relationship had already been over for a long time and i'd been waiting for the right time to end it, where i felt strong enough that i could resist his repeated attempts to get me back.

The new guy is one of the nicest, best guys i've ever met, we have fun together, good sex, laugh and laugh, AND I feel so close to him.

THe problem is that lately i started talking to my ex again (he got a job at teh large company where i work after we broke up...i run into him now and then). He says he's been in counselling for the past year to work on all of his issues, and I even went to the therapist that he's been seeing with him, I know for sure he's been going and he seems to have made a lot of progress. I have such a strong attraction to him, and all of our history together...i find myself wondering if I should give him a (third) chance since he really seems like he's changed this time. He says he loves me and i'm the one for him and he will never hurt me again and all the rest. And i'm actually considering it. I've told my current bf that i'm having feelings for my ex, but he doesn't know to what extent i've been considering getting back with him. Now I feel like a total horrible witch for what i'm doing to my current bf. and I feel so torn and confused about whether to get back with the ex, has he *really* changed, etc. I know people say "follow your heart" but my heart doesn't seem to know what the eff it wants!

Has anyone ever been in a similiar situation? Do you think people can really, truly change? I'm so torn right now, not eating or sleeping, any advice would really help.....

Thanks.....

I spent EIGHT months for you! And for WHAT?!

divabat — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 05:00:05 -0800

I feel like I'm going through a breakup - only it isn't with a person, it's with an intangible thing. I know intellectually that I'll get better, but it's just been the first few days and I'm hurting so much. How do I heal? Something I've been working on for about 8 months straight has ended for me (not in my favour) and I'm feeling very odd, strange, sick.

I'm going through all the stages of grief, and then some - angry because I spent all that time on essentially nothing, sadness that I didn't get what I hoped for, thankful that I don't have to deal with some people that don't respect me, disappointed that I don't get to deal with the people I quite adored, upset that the disrespectful people were chosen over me, sour grapes that "well if that's how they'll be then I'm glad I'm not going!!", lost because I don't know what to do next, etc etc. All those emotions are piling in the pit of my stomach and they are making me really really nauseous - though I can't throw up.

This isn't the biggest disappointment I've ever had to face. I've faced things of this level before. It takes time and I don't quite notice when I recover, but it happens eventually. There has been a lot that I've learnt through this process, so it's not a complete waste. I know that I'll eventually get better, move on, find something else. I know all that intellectually.

Yet I still can't get rid of all those emotions making me ill. I've got about a few days to go before I head back for Australia, and I'm in the middle of nowhere (parents' house), so there isn't much to distract me. I have a website to make and a few books to read, but I can't even concentrate - I just feel sleepy or ill. My parents are trying to help...but it's not quite working at the moment.

As soon as I arrive in Australia, I have a week-long summit, followed by my last uni semester. It's all work experience stuff so there aren't any regular classes, but even until now I don't quite know how my schedule is like (you have to apply for projects; I'm still waiting to hear which ones I've got. I also arranged them in the expectation that this project would work out and now I have to probably rearrange stuff). I won't be near my comforting boyfriend, or my other usual distractions/stuff that helps, till about the 11th. That's a while away. I'm looking forward to the summit, but I'm worried that I won't be able to concentrate or give my best.

This thing I've been working on was meant to be my next step after uni, and now I have nothing. (Some of my other plans have collapsed too due to factors outside my control.) While I know I still have a few months before I have to think about it, and I don't have to rush into anything, I can't help but feel totally empty and lost. I was counting on this to be freedom, but now I feel just as trapped - doesn't help that my mum's pushing me to get permanent residency when (a) the rules change so quickly (b) the likelihood is rare.

I'm trying to look for other options, but at this point I don't know what I even WANT to do. This massive fall is making me wary of bringing my hopes up. I gave up on a lot of opportunities so that I could focus on this one thing - I felt that if I didn't give it enough attention I wouldn't do so well. Didn't work anyway. So now I don't know what to do.

Is it strange to feel like you're going through a breakup, when you haven't even broken up with ANYONE? I've heard the reasons for what happened and they actually paint me in a good light - but that doesn't make me any less sad. The last time I was disappointed it took me about a month to recover, so maybe I'm just being impatient, but I hate having only my anguish to wallow in. These manic emotions and sickness is driving me mad.

What can I do? What could I do at least for the next few days before I head back to Australia (or even when I'm there, because I'm sure I'm not going to recover THAT quickly even with a summit, work experience, and boyfriend to distract me). How do I get myself past this disappointment and be brave enough to look out & explore other opportunities? Will eating a pint of ice cream help?

(I have gone through a breakup, but it wasn't long and we were back together, and the time in between was mostly spent trying to fix our issues.)

What do I do? How do I cope? This sucks.

How do I face the Other Woman?

deadlypenguin — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 17:40:13 -0800

How do I face the Other Woman? In recent months the decade long relationship between me and the love of my life began to crumble. It's demise was hastened in many ways by the existence of his friend, who used to be my friend too. She became the recipient of the affection, flirtation, and intimacy that was lacking in our relationship and this eventually led to a cataclysmic fight. We broke up and he immediately went into her arms for solace and comfort and physical affection.

Since then we have decided to give it another try and are currently in couples counseling, and we are making the first tentative steps towards repairing the things that are broken and reestablishing actual paths of communication. There is still a lot of pain and anguish, and a lot of things to be worked out, and things may not even be repairable, but that is not what this question is about.

She is still in our lives. They work together, we have friends in common (who do not know what went on and who do not need to know). I cannot avoid seeing her in a social setting forever. I can limit the frequency but sooner or later, at a work or friendly social gathering, I will have to face her, and the thought of seeing her, even the act of typing this question is putting a knot in the pit of my stomach. I want to scream at her and tear my hair out and run away as fast as I can and dissolve into tears and lock myself into a dark closet and punch her with all of my strength, all at once. I can't look at her, or think about her without thinking about all the things that happened, all the ways she contributed so heavily to this horrible mess that I find myself in now.

This isn't misdirected anger at her, I am hurt and angered and pained and saddened by the actions of both of them, who both knew better but let things get too far anyways, they both share the blame for what happened. But she was supposed to be my friend, and she saw us broken and worn down and devastated over the breakdown of our relationship and she could have removed herself from the equation, but chose not to, and I cannot help but feel betrayed by her as well.

So what on earth can I possibly tell myself, or think, or do, that can help me face her at the next dinner party? I can see other friends and dodge invitations, but not forever, and not without making it an even bigger deal, and denying myself the company of my own friends at parties and birthdays and holidays. How can I make small talk and smile and endure, knowing how large a contribution she made to the heartbreak in my life of late?

Can shoes be made narrower?

crinklebat — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 19:04:35 -0800

What can be done if my shoes are too wide? I just bought a pair of shoes from Zappos that I absolutely love. However, they're heels and they're too wide; my foot slides forward a decent bit and hits the end of the shoe when I walk and then my heel lifts out at the back. So I'm pretty sure they're not too long, because if they were any shorter my toes would be hitting the end all the time. Nope, they're definitely just too wide for my creepily skinny little feet.

How much can be done (either by a pro, or by those little inserts you can buy) to make a wide shoe narrower? How much is this likely to cost (keeping in mind I live in a spendy neighborhood, so it'll be the high end of any range)? They weren't cheap shoes but they're beautiful and I'd love to keep them if I can, but I'm not sure how much more investment I can justify. I'd rather go to the cobbler with some idea of what it'll set me back because I know if I'm there, looking at the shoes and a person who would love for me to spend money on the shoes, I'll cave.

I know this kind of question is something that could be resolved by calling around in the morning but I figure any cobbler I talk to will say "Bring 'em in!" and I want to know if they actually do anything I can't do with duct tape and nerve. Personal anecdotes gladly welcomed.

Brokeback Desert

xanthippe — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 03:36:28 -0800

Help me convince the man I love that he doesn't have to marry someone else. I have been in a very satisfying relationship for a year now. I love him intensely and have no doubts that the feeling is mutual. We are a perfect match in every way; I am certain that if we stayed together in the future, we would have a very happy life together. The trouble is that, despite all of this, my boyfriend insists that there is not and will never be a future for us, and it has nothing to do with love.

This relationship is happening in Oman, an Arab country whose culture is extremely traditional in many ways. Marriages continue to be arranged here; love comes afterwards. The enforcement of social norms can be extreme (in my Western view); it’s not Saudi Arabia, but is far closer to Saudi than, say, Syria or Lebanon. One’s status, first in the family, and secondly in the community, is determined largely by perceived conformance to socially mandated ethical laws, which in turn are basically Islamic. In practice, adultery is rife and the only things that matter are money and family/political connections, but my boyfriend is one of the few who are innocent and genuinely good enough to refuse to acknowledge this in spite of not being ignorant of it; he has a strong set of personal ethical values and is truly disappointed that others don’t live up to them, as they mostly appear to coincide with the cultural and religious expectations that apply to everyone here.

Some background about my boyfriend: he comes from a lower-class family and is not very educated; consequently he is very near the traditional end of the narrow cultural spectrum that exists here. Because the culture in Oman is quite anti-individualistic, he does not separate his personal values from culturally-imposed norms, and it is hard for him to understand this notion just because it is so philosophically foreign. Therefore, he conflates his personal desire to be good, honest, and morally sound in every aspect of life with conforming his behavior to rules and ideas that have been enculturated in him. He is not religious at all; although he will still explain that something is “good/bad in Islam”, insofar as he follows Islamic rules, it is because his family and community do, and this is the social interpretation of ‘good’ that has been firmly impressed upon him for his entire life. (He has an intelligent, inquisitive mind which has been conditioned to keep itself well away from these particular areas, and I don’t wish to threaten that security; if I query any of these issues in conversation, I do not present it as a challenge and always do it as slowly and gently as possible.)

In other words, having a girlfriend is a Very Bad Thing for him, despite the fact that he is very happy with me, clearly loves me, and generally acknowledges our ‘haram’ status as often as he prays (which is very close to never). Though he devotes himself to me as much as he is able to, the top priority in his life is concealing our relationship from his family – and finding a wife so that he will please everyone by following the proscribed path in his life. Love marriages are becoming increasingly common among young, educated and/or upper class Omanis, but tradition still has a strong hold on the majority, which definitely includes him and his family. I have casually mentioned mixed couples that I know of, but this does not influence him.

His mother is eager for him to marry, and he would also like to do that soon; however, for this he needs a dowry of about US$10,000 and a furnished home. He has no savings and a tiny monthly salary; I make about 6 times as much as he does and often support him. This imbalance is not an issue for either of us; the point is simply that for economic reasons, he isn’t prepared to marry an Omani woman anytime soon. It would also obviously be to his benefit to marry me for financial gain, but he is utterly unmotivated by this – indeed, this is one of the many reasons I consider him to be a such a catch. He has more integrity than anyone I’ve ever met, and even if I did try to tempt him into staying with me using less-than-honorable means, it would have the opposite affect; I would also never want to do anything manipulative with him, as the trust we share is the foundation of our relationship. Neither of us are very materialistic, and if we did marry, I would happily support him and his family. My love for this man would also compel me to live according to local tradition as much as necessary, including conversion to Islam.

It is a testament to the strength of our connection that we have sustained a serious relationship in this context. He has also shown his trust in me by gradually introducing me to friends and members of his family; the biggest milestone of our relationship was when he invited me to his home to celebrate Eid with his parents and siblings (as his “English teacher”, of course). I now have good relationships with some members of his extended family and visit them on my own, and have started spending time at his family’s home on a regular basis. His sisters, aunts, and most importantly, his mother, all welcome me and give him lots of positive feedback about me. (I am fairly certain that these women are not idiots and therefore have some intuition regarding our actual relationship, though it is not spoken of; for his part, a few uncles and cousins are in on it, but being a man, he inclines to believe it’s only between men and the women are clueless.) I strongly suspect that his family would be accepting and welcome me with open arms if we became engaged.

He still insists that it would be Not Good for him to marry me; he feels he must marry an Omani woman, and that his life would be ruined if anyone ever knew he had a girlfriend. Marriages between Omanis and foreigners – and love-marriages – are not nearly as uncommon as his worldview suggests they should be; however, he thinks that having a traditional wedding, to a bride chosen by his family, is paramount to his success in life and to pleasing his mother. He also says this has nothing to do with whether he loves me or not; he believes his life must follow a fixed course that he has known since childhood, and that he is powerless to change this without losing his moral self-respect.

Thus, he doesn’t allow for even the possibility of a shared future, despite the fact that we share our lives and depend on each other closely. We communicate extremely well, trust each other completely and have had open conversations about these issues, though they became so painful that we have agreed not to discuss it further. One of the reasons I am so convinced of his utter goodness and moral superiority is the fact that he has respected me from the beginning, warning me that there is no prospect for a future with me and telling me that if I cannot handle this, he will insist on letting me go rather than hurting me. I have said that I would rather spend what time I have with him than end our relationship before it's necessary, but the fact that eventually he will get engaged, probably without any warning to me beforehand, is a constant dark cloud over the ecstasy that otherwise defines our relationship.

So, in short, we love each other, I want to continue sharing my life with him, and I think he would realize that he might want the same if he could get past these real or imagined ideas of How Life Must Be according to Islam/his mother/his culture (though it might be the case that none of the above would actually condemn our marriage).

Finally, the question: what can I say or do to change his mind? (I am not trying to trick him into proposing next week and I do not wish to selfishly manipulate him; I just want him to be open to the possibility that eventually he may want to, because I truly believe that neither of us would be happier apart than we are together.)

To clarify, I am NOT asking your opinion on whether it is possible or likely to change his mind. I realize that the answer to that question is probably negative; please don’t fill this page with responses insisting that is the case, as I’m not aiming to increase my level of despair when reading replies to this post. I am also not asking whether you think he will, or should, marry me. What I am asking is, IF there is a way to change his mind about the mere possibility of our future, what might that be? Is there any (ethically acceptable) strategy I can use to reduce my chances of losing the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with to some anonymous woman he feels he has to marry to fulfill social expectations that may not lead him to a happier life, and that he may not fully believe in or understand his reasons for wanting to conform to?

Welcome to the worst day of your life

Anonymous — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 11:34:55 -0800

I never thought I would be writing this. After almost five years together, my girlfriend told me that she's not sure if she wants to continue our relationship. We've gone though a rough patch in the last six months - mostly because I quit a job I hated without having something to fall back on (foolish, I know) - but we're getting back on our feet financially and I've been doing my best to make home life pleasant. I'm affectionate, caring, and I love her more than I love anything in my life. I never proposed to her and I see now that it was a mistake to drag it out like that, but I think that my unwavering commitment is obvious in our daily interactions. I never wanted to be with another woman, and I can't imagine ever being with anyone else.

I don't know what happened, and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't think she's made up her mind yet, and I don't want to drive her away with my grief. I don't want to bother her, but I want her to know that I will do literally anything to make our relationship work. We live together in a house that we own and it's really hard to give someone space when you share your living space that intimately. I know you can't make someone love you if they don't, but how can I give her the physical and emotional space she needs without seeming like I'm not still there for her any time she needs me?

If you want to share anonymously, you can email me at youcantmakesomeoneloveyou@gmail.com.

Since I fell for you

the luke parker fiasco — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 10:47:31 -0800

How can I get over the heartbreak that ensues over what was essentially a no-strings fling between two friends? This guy and I were introduced to one another by a mutual friend, when he was in town visiting. We spent some time together in groups--not much, but enough to develop an instant connection and a latent mutual attraction. As he lived several states away, I didn't think of it as much more than a harmless crush on an intelligent, attractive, interesting person.

We got fairly electronically friendly, exchanging long, rambling emails on a regular basis, and had a couple of phone conversations. After about six months of this, he had an event to attend in my neck of the woods, at which he invited me to join him. We spent a wonderful, amazing, incredibly fun and physically intimate week together. His leaving was the most painful thing I've ever experienced--worse than my father's death, worse than the ending of a three-year relationship. I was utterly wrecked, and in many ways I still am.

This was completely unexpected, which is part of why it hit me as hard as it did. I'd known I had a crush, but never foresaw that I would end up feeling as strongly for him as I did. For his part, he made it clear from the outset that he wasn't looking for a commitment, and I was okay with that at the time. But after spending that time with him, and feeling so comfortable and happy in his presence, it was indescribably painful to return to my solitary lifestyle (which I had been happy with until then).

Since then our interaction has regressed into casual friendship, with sporadic-at-best communication (he entered into a graduate program soon after the incident in question, which can partially explain the drop in communication). It's clear that he doesn't share the ongoing feelings I'm experiencing, and looked at the incident as an opportunity to spend time with a friend and act on a mutual attraction, and nothing more.

It's been close to a year, and the pain of missing him is still so strong that at times it's physically debilitating. A stray memory or unexpected reminder can be enough to bring me to tears. Despite myself, he's first in my thoughts when I make long-term plans--what might he be doing then? When something good happens, the first thing I want to do is talk to him about it. I want to know what his life is like, to hear what he's doing and where he's going, but I don't feel that I'm in a position to ask. I haven't so much as thought of anyone else as far as a relationship or a romantic interest is concerned, and have no interest in being with anyone but him.

Intellectually, I've come to accept the fact that nothing more will ever come of this--if he had any feelings for me beyond casual friendship, they would have manifested themselves in some way by now. But I can't stop thinking about him, and the emotional side of me can't quite give up on the irrational hope that there's some sort of future here.

How do I get over this? How can I kill these feelings? How can I turn this person from a painful reminder of all I want in a partner, and all that might have been, into a casual friend again? Or do I just need to make the decision to let contact die out, and accept that he's now a part of my past?

(To that end ... I'll be leaving the country shortly, for a period of years, and have the opportunity to make a short visit before I go. I'm tempted to do so, in the meaningless-line-in-the-sand sort of way--using this face-to-face meeting as a way to say goodbye, in my own mind, and put our active friendship behind me [though I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this is partially motivated my my desire to see him one more time as well, but also because he's an interesting, intelligent, engaging person who I enjoy talking to]. Good idea, or bad idea?)

if it breaks again i'll never fix it

skjønn — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 21:47:47 -0800

Help me not to fall in love with this man (yet). There's a little bit... Background: I am a single girl looking to get married (eventually). I have a good amount of dating experience, but have only ever loved one man. As in truly, madly, deeply desired wanted to be together forever love. That relationship ended badly, for various reasons. Towards the end, I grew progressively more attached and he grew more and more distant, which maddeningly seemed to deepen my want for him... we've all been there in one way or another, you get the idea. The most painful experience of my life (so far).

I finally left this man some time ago with what remained of my dignity and sanity. I revived old friendships, rediscovered a few things, had quite a few girls nights out, and spent quite a few nights at home alone crying and writing bad poetry.

After (a long) time and a bit of rebound dating, the pain began to subside noticeably. A small part of me will always miss how good it was when it was good, but trustme when I say I am over this man and am ready to move on.

--------------

Now here's where the problem begins. I met a man. The problem is, he's perfect. We met for a brief moment and exchanged numbers a week before thanksgiving. He started calling me twice a day. Since we were both travelling out of state for Thanksgiving, we had a lot of time to talk and get to know eachother over the phone. We've had two dates since we got back.

The chemistry, conversation, # of things we have in common, and everything else so far is incredible. He says things to me like "I have a confession to make...I have an enormous crush on you." Or when I asked him what he had done that day, he told me he had spent the day dreaming of ways to get me to fall in love with him....

All of this leads to the fact that I AM quite surely falling in love, I can feel it. And I'm scared as hell. And he's making it hard not to. I just feel like I need to be much safer feeling before it would be wise to let myself fallin love.

I need concrete ways and suggestions to protect myself and delay the onset of serious feelings. I feel as if I have to go through what I went through with my last relationship again, I'll just crumble. Things are too good to be true at the moment and I don't want it to explode in my face.

I want to continue with him but how can I delay falling for him until I've had some serious time? Psychological tricks, etc..

What do I do to move on without creating drama?

cscott — Tue, 19 Sep 2006 20:01:21 -0800

I need to know how to resolve this problem of having fallen for someone ... I'll try to make this as short as possible, but it's complicated. Please bear with me.

I am gay, but still in the closet. Most people here will probably tell me that the first and most important thing I should do is come out and be honest about who I am. Well, I wish I could, but though I happen to be liberal-minded, my parents and extended family are conservative when it comes to social issues and relationships. If my grandparents, who live overseas, ever found out that I was gay they would probably die of a heart attack, and I would have to live in shame and disgrace for the rest of my life. I'm in my mid-20s, but I've never had sex or been a relationship with anyone. I have had crushes on guys throughout my college years, and though I could tell that in some of those cases the feelings were mutual, the guys were also in the closet and basically decided to shut me out at some point to move on. This has happened to me four times so you would think by now I would avoid letting myself fall for a guy. But this summer, at a study program, I fell for a guy, a student like me. He has a girlfriend but I am nearly positive that he is gay and in the closet. This I know based on the way he looked at me, smiled at me, his behaviors and mannerisms around me, his moments of vulnerability in my presence, and a number of other signs that we would all recognize as signs of physical attraction (there are many and I could describe what I observed in detail, but it would take too long).

Throughout the summer, though we were busy with work, we did take time to chat and get to know each other though always in the presence of other friends. As it turns out, we have quite a bit in common: we love to debate, we appreciate art and music, enjoy studying languages, etc. But there were other times, when we would act somewhat coldly to each other because of the awkward sexual tension that neither of us wanted to feel. Towards the end of the summer program, he was willing to spend three hours with me one on one at a bar to just talk at length about life, studies, etc. He seemed deeply impressed by some of the talents I displayed in a talent show. And after we left the program, we stayed in touch for a little but by e-mail. He's in the process of moving overseas to study abroad so he's probably busy but he hasn't responded to recent e-mails I've sent to him and a few of other mutual friends (cc'ed on the same e-mails). I can't draw any conclusions from this just yet but I'm afraid and saddened that he might be ready to move on, get back to life with his girlfriend, despite whatever he may have felt about me (and I about him). If that's so, I can respect his choice, but the strange thing is this ...

Feelings or no feelings, he is someone I happen to deeply respect and admire, with whom I enjoy intellectual discussions, and I wish so deeply that I could stay friends with him. That maybe months from now when we've moved on and don't feel attracted to each other, we could reconnect. But friendships don't work that way. You have to stay in touch at least periodically to maintain a friendship. Anyway, my questions are the following:

1) I plan to wait until it becomes relatively clear that he just doesn't want to stay in touch (I hope I'm proven wrong). I think then I can send a message saying "I've noticed you haven't been responding. Sorry if I missed something, but I got the sense that you wanted to stay in touch. If you don't, I understand. I'll assume that if you don't respond to this that this is your choice. It's a shame that things should end this way but I wish you the best as you go forward" or something similar and see if he responds. If not, then I know that he's ready to move on. I hate to create unnecessary drama, but do you think is a reasonable message to send given the circumstances?

2) What can I do to help myself move on if he doesn't want to stay in touch? Every time I think about him, I get weak and feel like I want to cry because I really liked him, and the thought that our friendship has to be thrown away because of these mutual feelings is a really painful one. It wouldn't just be love lost (I've dealt with that enough times not to care, and I can live with just being friends) but a friendship lost, and that for me is infinitely more tragic. I wish there was something I could do to salvage the situation. What can I do to help myself get on with life?

Again, I know some of you might think I should just come out and start from there, but like I said, I risk getting disowned by my family and loved ones and I don't know whether being in a gay relationship would compensate for that loss. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

My life is in shambles and I feel lost and helpless.

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 06:19:54 -0800

Recently I broke up with my girl of 10 years....my best friend. I'm entierly shattered and heartbroken. I wanted her to be the mother of my children when the time came, and now she's gone. Is there anyway to make this work? Warning: LONG post inside **Note: This post turned out WAY longer than I had thought it would be….but since I’m posting anonymously I thought I would present as much info up front as possible. I'll break it up into two sections for those who like to skim. I thank you for your time and comments.

I very recently ended a long distance relationship (LDR) with the girl I basically grew up with. I fell in love with her in the 11th grade, and have loved her since, and will continue to do so forever.

## HISTORY ##
The long distance part began when we separated to go to college, but I made the 150mi trip every weekend just for her, so it was never really that bad. The only real problem we ever had was that her parents were un-accepting of me. Her father was of the mind that she needs to "date" a handful of guys before she decides what she wants. Needless to say we kept our relationship alive in secret from her family. This of course presented its own challenges to our relationship. Little things like a night at the movies, dinner, etc. became VERY difficult. We were constantly running into her family friends at the most random places, and then there was a constant worry of that person mentioning to her parents that they had seen her at so-and-so place with so-and-so (not to be mean, just in passing conversation).

College ended and I moved back home. We were together for the summer, and then she had to leave to attend a masters program, followed by Medical School, across the country. We still stuck it out though. I tired to visit as often as I could...again, behind her parents back.

Things were Ok...we always discussed eventually being married and having a life together. And that was what we both wanted, and always, the shadow of her parent’s disapproval hung over us. Culturally having her parent’s approval is VERY, VERY important. For her, even more so, because she is the type of person who lives to make everyone around her happy (no matter how often I try and tell her that you can't always make everyone happy). I got to a point where I didn't care anymore. Her mother sort of knew what was up, and would outright ignore me in social situations where we would both be. The father would speak to me, but he really didn't know what was going on.

All the while she was in school meeting new people and doing her thing. I never "restricted" her activities and was always supportive of her school. She started studying with someone that made me slightly uncomfortable. Every time it would come up I would get a funny feeling and I tried explaining to her that this guy is only studying with her to get into her pants. She would tell me things like, "he isn't like that", "you don't know him", etc. Till one day she calls me almost in tears, telling me how he tried to kiss her and she felt guilty about it. I was livid and felt betrayed by her. This is where shit got bad, I think.

A year or so later we were really having problems with the LDR. Phone conversations were very superficial, and the time-zone difference wasn't helping things much. She started stressing about school and us, and soon it took its toll on us. She called one day saying she "needs a break" and "time to figure things out". I was angry and hurt and basically walked away...no phone contact, no email, nothing. It killed me to do it, but she hurt me, and maybe that was my way of hurting her back?

6 months or so went by, and I saw her at a mutual friends graduation. We started talking and soon we were back together again. It was like we hadn't even skipped a beat. Another 4 or 5 months went by with her back across the country and a few days before he xmas break I made a terrible discovery. It was long ago, so I'm not entirely sure what prompted me to do it, but I read her email and saw a disturbing message from that other guy....when I confronted her about it she told me that she had planned on telling me everything when she was going to be home for 3 weeks over xmas break. And that for the 6 months we weren't talking, she had a relationship with this guy (the original "study buddy" i had issues with) ... this is where my heart was ripped from my chest. She was the first and only person I had been with, we lost our virginities to each other, and it really bothered me that she would sleep with this other guy, and get back together with me, let me sleep with her, and then tell me about it (or let me find out about it) later.

So another break-up ensued for a few weeks till we started talking again...a few months went by and I started to realize my trust in her was shot. Then I broke it off again thinking that without trust there cannot be a relationship (which I'm probably right about). Until of course we got back together again.

## CURRENT ##
Fast-forward to the beginning of this year. Her sibling was going to marry, and we decided to confront her parents after the wedding. And my plan was if all went well with that I would propose late this year, move to be with her, and we would marry 3 years later (when her school was done).

Around April I started getting that uncomfortable feeling again...checked her email, and saw a letter to her friends with a picture of her and some guy, and a blurb about "here is the picture I promised" and one friends reply struck me VERY hard. "i hope he deserves you" .... I kind of bring up the fact that I think something is going on with this new guy, and she reassures me that nothing is happening. A day or so later I decide to re-read the email just to see if I can put it into another context. Her password is changed. Red flags shoot up and another discussion ensues. I tell her I checked her email before and that she must be hiding something if she has changed her password now. She claims it was preemptive because she knew I would take it out of context, and that her friends comment was just a joke, and the guy is just a friend who is "cute" and her friends wanted to see a picture.

Believe me, I see the manipulative nature of doing something she knows I won't approve of, and hiding it from me.

She was currently in some tests so I backed off to give her time to study, but this was eating away at me daily. Until we finally had the time to talk about things face-to-face.

Long story even longer, I broke up with her again...for what I think is the last time, because my mind can fabricate stories that my imagination runs with because I lost trust in her when she kept from me the fact that she had slept with that other guy.

Now I am miserable....I grew up with this girl...10 years together...she has had a tremendous influence in the person I've become. I finally (at age 26) had seen a future with her, a house, kids, family...now that is all gone, and it's killing me. I used to wake up every morning with a phone call from her, now I can't get out of bed till I know I'm going to be late for work.

Life sucks...it's just a lame 9-5, I make about 55K a year which I guess is decent. But with cc debt and student loans (about 30K in total) it doesn't get me very far. I'm living at home and I hate being there, but I can't afford to move out....and will do so as soon as I can afford it.

Writing this all out is semi-therapeutic in a way, so sorry for the length...it's been about a week without her and I still think about her daily, constantly. I miss my best friend.

I've been trying to come up with solutions to my problem, but would like to hear what others have to say. In your experiences; Is this a lost cause? Should I continue to pursue it at all costs?

The solution I've come up with for the time being is to really sit and talk to her again. Make sure she understands I love her, and care for her, and I want to be with her, but that the LDR isn't working for me, or for her. What I'm thinking of proposing to her is to put our relationship on hiatus for a few years, and then when she returns, assuming neither of us has found someone serious, we can pick-up where we left off....Anyone accomplish something like this in their lives? Am I just setting myself up for disappointment three years down the line?

thanks for reading through this mess of emotions, and I look forward to any insights the MeFi community can provide.

Anit-love-song mixtape

ChasFile — Tue, 14 Feb 2006 12:28:20 -0800

Love-sucks-anti-Valentine's-Day-Filter: Help me make a mix of anti-love songs. Visualize a mix you might give your ex after a really, really nasty break-up. Something that says "F0ck you, I hate you, and every second we were together was torture, you evil witch," with every song. Maybe starting with OMD's "If You Leave," and getting nastier from there. Alternatively, I also like the sentiment expressed in "If You Leave," so suggestions for a mix that says "If you think you broke my heart, don't kid yourself, I never really cared about you anyway," would be appreciated, as well.

Bonus points on both counts for songs set to a sentimental or poppy melody, again along the lines of "If You Leave." The idea here being that it should be a mixtape that, were it not for the lyrics and sentiment behind it, the girlfriend might otherwise really like and listen to. Just to give the knife that extra little twist. Hence Eminem's "Bonnie and Clyde" doesn't really work. You get the idea, right?

Songs for impending heartbreak.

hot soup girl — Mon, 18 Jul 2005 08:52:35 -0800

Help me compile the soundtrack for my impending heartbreak! I'm in Melbourne, Australia, and am three months into a lovely romance with a boy from London. The good news: he is totally ace, and I'm smitten; the bad news: he's going back home in about two weeks. Realistically, I imagine that will be the end of the relationship (although I'd like very much to be wrong).

In Warner Bros cartoons, when a character - let's say, Wiley Coyote - accidentally runs off the edge of a cliff, he runs in mid-air for a while. And then in time, he falters, his pedalling legs hesitate, and he glances down at the canyon over which he's hovering. Well, right now, that's me: running in mid-air, refusing to look down, trying to postpone the inevitable moment when the (temporarily suspended) laws of physics suddenly re-apply, and gravity re-asserts itself. I'm trying to plan ahead. In a fortnight, I'm going plummet into the ravine. Naturally I'll need a mix-tape to plummet by! (I'll probably also make a copy for the boy to listen to on the plane.)

I suppose I'm looking for sad or wistful songs about long distance, lost, or transient love. So far, I have 'Tallahassee' by the Mountain Goats, 'I'm Looking For a Girl' by Jens Lekman, and 'The Chapter in Your Life Entitled San Francisco' by the Lucksmiths (especially apt since we were introduced by a member of the Lucksmiths). What other songs should I consider?

(Oh, and general advice for dealing with break-up situations like this are also welcome!)

Falling out of love...

Anonymous — Fri, 27 May 2005 23:58:23 -0800

How do you make yourself stop loving someone? Last fall, a friend and I fell in love with one another. The problem: we're both married, with kids. We ended things before it got too physical about two months ago. We both agreed an affair would be wrong, we both felt like we were not ready to leave our marriages. We decided to do the right thing and break up and not spend any time together anymore. But due to a work situation, we see each other at least three days a week. With time and avoidance we have begun to be able to handle the basic hello/how's it going/goodbye conversations we have to have in front of co-workers without it being horribly painful. But every time I see this person my heart breaks. I'm still in love. Even though I have recommitted myself to my marriage, I'm still in love.

How do I stop myself from feeling that way? How do I stop being in love? How do I stop loving this other person, whose friendship I miss? I know how I've gotten over break-ups in the past, but the last time I broke up with someone was 15 years ago, before I was married.

How do I get over this heartbreak?

How do you explain heartbreak?

playtragic — Thu, 31 Mar 2005 10:47:51 -0800

What is the psychology/biology/(insert)-ology behind what we commonly refer to as "heartbreak?"