Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with health and sex

"How to get an orgasm to work in my pants?"

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:56:28 -0800

I'm a mid-20s male, I'm having orgasm problems and I desperately need to do something about it. Any advice would be gratefully received! Thanks for clicking through!

I have a long-standing problem of finding it extremely difficult to orgasm during any sort of sexual play. I've recently (and improbably!) started dating The Most Beautiful Girl In The World, and I'm terrified that it'll ruin our relationship.

I'm a mid-20s male, very skinny but not unhealthily so, with plenty of energy, who eats well and takes absolutely no medication. I'm certainly sensitive down there. I have purposefully been avoiding masturbation for several weeks. At this point I'm confused, and think there might been some psychological issues, and would really appreciate some advice.

What's that? You want way too much background info? Sure thing!:
I was in a 6 year long relationship that was the first time for anything sexual for both my ex-girlfriend and me. We had both masturbated frequently and then found that it took an immense amount of effort for either of us to reach orgasm when together. It was, however, possible, especially if we involved sex toys for her and were willing to be very patient for me. Due to this, our sex life was infrequent, though we remained very comfortable with each other's bodies. She then went through a period of change in her personal life and became unwilling to have sex for a period of about 2 years. During this I waited patiently, fulfilling myself through masturbation. Even past this point, sex was incredibly infrequent and often unsatisfying. I found myself finding her unattractive and considering ending the relationship. I still tried to initiate sex, but was usually rebuffed, though she usually showered me with apologies and confusion at lack of libido. During the last three years of the relationship, I frequently tried to seek couples therapy, but she wouldn't acquiesce. Finally, she ended up cheating on me with a random stranger that she met at a bar, citing that "she was frustrated at our lack of a sex life." The mind boggles. That was the end of our relationship.

Several months later, I have started dating the aforementioned Most Beautiful Girl In The World (seriously, she's loveliness personified, in every aspect) and am overcome with glee. I anticipated that I might have orgasm problems, and intentionally have gone completely cold turkey on masturbation for several weeks. Our sex life is, so far, fantastic. She's (bizarrely) very attracted to me, I'm obviously attracted to her, we both have well-matched libidos, I push her buttons with joyful, joyful ease and... I still can't reach an orgasm.

We've tried penetrative sex in a variety of positions, she has given me some absolutely mind-blowing oral sex, and there's still nothing. I remain hard, and even feel like I'm approaching orgasm. When I'm on the cusp (which takes a while itself), instead of going over the edge and ejaculating, I find myself almost pushing through it, after which the feeling dies down somewhat. There's no loss of erection, and I'm able to comfortably continue having sex.

It's obviously extremely beneficial to her, but she has expressed anxiety at not being able to please me. That's not true, as it's been feeling amazing, and I have told her the above, though not the gory details of my previous relationship. She's been very supportive and loving, but I fear that at this early stage in our relationship, it could ruin our chances of staying together.

I did once have trouble achieve an erection, but I was rather drunk, and it did come, though slowly. I presume I'm still able to achieve orgasm through masturbation, though I'm unwilling to try for fear of numbing myself in any way.

Unfortunately, I'm living hand-to-mouth at the moment, so I have no possibility of seeing a therapist. I do, however, wonder if the problem is psychological in nature, or if there are lesser known physical roots. I should note that I'm in London, in the UK, just in case that's of any help.

I set up a throwaway email account: athrowawayaccountformefi@gmail.com

Thank you for reading this!

When and how to tell my SO I have an STD?

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 08:41:19 -0800

How do I let my boyfriend know I have herpes? When should I tell him? I recently just started a new relationship and I am dealing with genital herpes. I take care of myself and make sure I am clean and take my medication when I feel a breakout coming. I feel I handle it very well. I didn't tell him about it yet because I did not expect to, frankly, fall for him. It's less than 6 months we have been going out also.

What happened is my ex cheated on me and gave me the virus while we were still together. (I only learned of his cheating AFTER we broke up) but at the time I assumed it was from an old girlfriend. It's possible but something inside of me doubts that scenario for he would have infected me sooner rather than as long as we have been together. Anyways, I really respect this new person in my life and we have been intimate and I kinda get the feeling from his conversations that these things worry the shit out of him. I feel horrible. When is it a good time to honestly tell him? I never felt this way for anyone and this is hard for me. Please help.

No glove...awww, sad, no love...

nakedcodemonkey — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 11:31:55 -0800

Can you hook a gal up? I'm looking for recommendations for a good latex-free, powder-free disposable exam glove for safe and very tactile sex. I understand nitrile is strongest, and slides on well. But does does such a smooth fit make your hand extra sweaty? I have mild eczema, so potentially that's a problem. And how does vinyl compare in your opinion?

Most options available in either material seem to assume that one is a lab tech wanting to restore fine motor control via added fingertip texture. For my purposes, this is less than ideal. I'd rather find something with a completely smooth glide. I've contacted a few manufacturers whose product details are ambiguous on this front, but so far they've been slow to reply.

Finally, it's unclear to me which size to get. Nitrile gloves in particular apparently run small. For dishwashing gloves, medium is a quite loose though comfortable fit; while small runs slightly short in the fingertips. Can you help me translate this into good sizing for an exam glove?

I want a physical thing, no more, no less

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 14:32:52 -0800

How do I identify and meet women interested in a one night stand? For the past few years, I've found myself in a number of relationships where my partners don't want to have sex. They'll do everything to remain technical virgins (oral, mutual masturbation, etc.), but penetrative intercourse is out. For some reason, I seem to keep meeting these sorts of women when I go out looking for a girlfriend.

At this point, I'm single and ready to have some fun. I've been thinking of going to bars and other places where I might meet women who are interested in a purely sexual relationship.

My questions are:

1. How can I tell if a woman is interested in having a one night stand?

2. Where can I meet women who are interested in only a sexual relationship? For example, does craigslist Casual Encounters actually work?

3. If I suspect a woman may be interested in a one night stand, then how can I proposition her for this?

If you need to follow up, throwaway e-mail is mansextonight at gmail.com.

Are those gosh durned kids really having as much free love as the Tv says?

reenum — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 12:24:24 -0800

How accurate are the media portrayals of young people engaging in risky sexual behaviors? Recently, I've noticed that a lot of media outlets seem to be sensationalizing the sexual practices of people in their teens and 20's. These sources would have you believe that these groups are always 'hooking up', they prefer oral sex to kissing, and that now engage in sexual activity first and date if the experience is positive. Things along those lines.

I'm 30, so I was a teen in the early 90's. I find it hard to believe that sexual mores have changed all that much in the last 15 years. Obviously, I don't get much action, so I can't speak from experience. Have things really become as open and free as the media would have us believe?

Are there any studies or news stories that give statistics of how prevalent sexual activity and risky sexual behaviors are in teens and twentysomethings? Anecdotes are also welcome.

Medical butchery

~Sushma~ — Mon, 18 May 2009 18:11:34 -0800

Need no or low cost reconstructive surgery for friend who had a radical vulvectomy My friend 43 yrs. old had radiation and a complete removal of all her sex organs. The doctor butchered her, and we cannot find a doctor that will take on any kind of reconstruction for free or reduced price. She has been left with a gaping gash for privates and a tube just hanging out of where her urethra/clitoris was, and a colostomy bag. We thought of her going to see a transsexual specialist but again, she has no medical insurance. Does anyone know of any resources she can utilize for this rare and devistating procedure? We wrote to Dr. Kevin Brenner in LA and he could not do it, yet he repairs female circumcisions all the time, I guess this was too much for too little benefit to his practice.

Why doesn't the rug match the drapes?

reenum — Thu, 14 May 2009 10:36:34 -0800

Why do some people's hair on their head and pubic hair not match in color? First off, I'm excluding people who have their hair colored. I know why their hair doesn't match.

I've known women who had dirty blond hair and had black pubic hair. Others I've spoken to have shared the same thing. Given that hair should be the same all over, why is pubic hair sometimes a different color than the rest of your hair?

Preventing erections during massage

ascetic — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 07:20:22 -0800

Some questions about getting an erection during a massage I am a 20 yr old male who is interested in seeing a masseuse to relieve some tension and pain I have all over my body as a result of an intense judo/jiu-jitsu regime I have started.

I am concerned about getting an erection during the massage. Maybe it's just me, my age, or both, but I get erections very easily. Sometimes I get them while leaning against the bathroom sink to get a close inspection of my teeth in the mirror.

How do masseuses react to erections? How can I prevent one, and what do I do if I do indeed get an erection?

HPV and sex

Anonymous — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 11:48:03 -0800

HPV and sex question.... It's been close to a year since I found out I had HPV (no genital warts) and an abnormal pap smear. I took the vaccine right after finding out, but it's not as effective when you already have HPV so I will continue to get tested for any changes every 6 months that could possibly lead to cervical cancer. I've only had unprotected sex with one person and that was my ex-boyfriend. How do I continue having a sex life without feeling guilty for passing on my strain of HPV on to other partners (women and men)? I'm single, 23, bisexual, and don't want to be in a monogamous relationship. How do I go about having sex when I can pass this on through giving, receiving, and intercourse especially when I have a high risk HPV? Is it something you would inform people you've slept with or plan on sleeping with? How would you go on with your sex life?

Best Male Enhancement

minsid — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 13:01:03 -0800

What is the best male enhancement medicine or natural herbs to stay hard longer and to carry more stamina. What is the best male enhancement medicine or natural herbs to stay hard longer and to carry more stamina.

I need something that is healthy but is really good.

I prefer natural.

I heard Blackseed and Honey is great.

But how should I take those then?

Can I be pregnant?

esolo — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 05:54:30 -0800

can I be pregnant? I've been on DEPO until few weeks ago, and used a condom every time since then. I have been on DEPO (injectable contraceptive) for 7 years, and went off it few weeks ago. It takes around a year for the cycle to normalize. Also, my partner and I have used a condom every single time since I went off.

However, my partner is freaking out that i may be pregnant, because of some changes in my body - tender larger breasts, spotting, etc. I think the chances are understandable given all the hormonal changes taking places, after I went off DEPO. It's illogical for me to run to a gynecologist for a blood test, given the facts. What do you think?

Gadzooks! My non-retracting foreskin!

Anonymous — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 15:55:10 -0800

Why can't my foreskin retract when I have an erection? When I don't have an erection, my foreskin can retract. I've tried stretching it back when I have an erection, and it just won't; it's painful. Is this a problem worth fixing? And if so, how do I go about fixing it? What procedures are used? Should I talk directly to a urologist? (I'd rather not talk to a general practitioner about this issue).

Thanks for your help on this somewhat embarrassing problem!

Health Benefits of Sex?

taramosalata — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 15:39:24 -0800

Sex is often touted as beneficial for one's health. Is this supposed to be true for both men and women, and how much evidence is there for the claim (apart from calorie expenditure, which is still negligible compared to actual aerobic exercise)? And is it primarily the orgasm that's supposedly healthful, or even sex sans orgasm?

Make my first visit to a brothel a happy one.

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 15:18:22 -0800

Visiting Reno in October, looking for advice on visiting a brothel. I've never been to one before, but I'm toying with the idea as it sounds like it could be fun and the chance to live out some fantasies I may never find a woman (or 2) willing to participate in. So, some questions:

Anyone have any recommendations for a nice place to go? I'm looking for one that isn't TOO sleazy (I know, it's a brothel, but still), with attractive women, hygenic, enjoyable atmosphere, etc. I've seen "Cathouse" on HBO about the Moonlight Bunny Ranch... is that place really all that?

Prices... How much do the "services" tend to cost? Do they charge by the hour? By the act? By the woman (or do you get a discount for group activities)? Is there any sort of negotiation? Are you expected to tip? Again, on the Bunny Ranch, are its prices exorbitant because it is on HBO, or is it comparable to other places?

Finally... hygiene and health questions: I assume that part of their licensing is that the women get tested regularly. Can anyone give me the details on this? Are they tested for everything (herpes, etc) or just the biggie (HIV)? Do the brothels have a strict "safe sex only" policy? And, last but not least... what kind of, ahem, cleaning regimen do the women go through between clients? I don't like the idea of tasting some other guy's sweat and... other fluids on someone's body.

Since I'm sure many people will not want to post publicly, you can email me at mrsecret@email.com
I appreciate the opinions of those of you who may have moral qualms with this, but I'm not looking for that kind of input, thanks.

Sharing a sex toy w/o spreading HPV?

Anonymous — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 13:58:51 -0800

What precautions should my partner and I take if we want to share a silicone sex toy without spreading HPV between us? What we've been able to find on the web suggest that HPV can be spread by sharing toys, but doesn't give much practical advice on what to do about it. (For various reasons, the other means of transmission aren't an issue for us right now.) Tips?

How do I avoid the unavoidable?

nickerbocker — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 15:48:01 -0800

I'm having a sexual relationship with someone who has MRSA and Hepatitis C and I'm concerned about getting either... She was recently diagnosed with Hepatitis C, but I knew about the MRSA. I keep reading mixed information on the Internet about both and I'm not sure what to believe. She got spots on her chest from the MRSA the other day, where as before I didn't see any open sores. Now I'm paranoid that I'm going to be infected with either or both diseases.

I am young (mid-twenties) and have a very healthy and strong immune system. We haven't had any kind of blood-to-blood contact (that I know of) but have been having unprotected sex for about a month now. Advice? Am I pretty much screwed on both accounts? Is there anyway I can continue this relationship without getting infected with either or is it inevitable?

I need to go see a doctor but haven't needed to in 10 years. I need to find a doctor first I suppose. Good thing I have health insurance. Maybe I should get a better life insurance policy before I'm diagnosed with anything?

Why can't I have sex with my girlfriend?

misled — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 09:13:56 -0800

I can't keep an erection while having sex with my girlfriend. What is my problem? Hey all,

Quite embarrassing for me to ask this, but I need some help. I am a male in my mid 20's and I have a problem keeping myself 'hard' for intercourse with my girlfriend.

I have been dating this woman for a couple of months but every time we try to have sex everything on my end will get screwed up. Everything will be fine, meaning I am able to have/keep a erection prior to penetration, but when it comes down to actual penetration everything just goes completely wrong (meaning I lose my erection in addition to my self-esteem). I keep telling myself that it is all in my head, but I was hoping I could get some advice as to where this problem might stem from so that I can better understand it. Could it be the build up to the sex that is bothering me? Could it seriously just all be in my head?

I haven't had this problem before with previous women, but then again I haven't ever had sex with a woman I cared so much about. Could it be an intimacy issue? I don't think it has anything to do with my girlfriend - I find her very attractive and she is very sexual. It just KILLS me that I am killing our sex life completely. This has happened more than once - enough so that I am looking for information anywhere I can find it. My girlfriend is starting to beat herself up over it thinking it is her that is causing. Thankfully we are able to communicate so well in order to relinquish some of these complexes she is creating but the more it happens the more she brings up her being the cause.

Thanks in advance for any advice that is given. If you have any questions, please ask and I will respond as soon as I can.

Any specific reason why I would get really dry skin "down there," and is there a remedy?

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 21:01:17 -0800

Any specific reason why I would get really dry skin "down there," and is there a remedy? I know that AskMeFi is not always the best place for medical advice, but seeing a doctor about this issue is really really embarassing, plus I don't currently have insurance. The embarassment thing is also why I'm posting anonymously. Now that that's out of the way...

I am a 21-year old male. I am pretty average in every way, but for almost a year now I've had a really bad problem relating to the skin of my genital area. The real problem is that the skin is very dry and flaky, and it gets itchy as well. My scrotum is pretty much always this way, but the actual penis seems normal until I get an erection, at which point it is also very dry and flaky. It varies in severity, but I can't get a fix on what might be causing the fluctuation. At times it's bad enough that I will get sores or mild bleeding of the affected area.

To answer questions that are immediately jumping to your minds: I am not and have never been sexually active. I am getting married very shortly and I would like this issue to be resolved if possible by that time. Also, I do have very mild eczema, which might be contributing to the problem, but the symptoms I have on the rest of my body are not of the dry skin variety. I don't do anything that could be considered unusual. I try to avoid scratching as much as possible but I'm sure it inevitably happens while I sleep.

As far as what I've tried... well, what is there, really? I've tried various lotions and creams, which can help soothe the itching most of the time, but nothing has helped the dry and cracking skin. I also had a suggestion to try Vaseline, but considering how messy and uncomfortable that solution is, I don't want to do it unless I have to.

So, has anyone dealt with this type of issue specifically, or do you have any suggestions on remedies or where I should go for more help? At the very least could someone answer me the question of exactly what kind of doctor I should see about this, and how to broach the issue appropriately?

Normal ejaculation for men?

Anonymous — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:44:13 -0800

Male ejaculation question: My boyfriend takes a long time to ejaculate (40 minutes to an hour and a half, and sometimes not at all). He says its normal for him, and he doesnt mind. But i find it really frustrating having to go that long, and still sometimes have to stop with him unsatisfied. Is this normal? He is not on any medication, or has any health problems that would affect this. I have tried talking to him about it but he always shrugs it off as not a big deal at all.

Will hidden fatness hurt my love life?

Anonymous — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 06:27:52 -0800

I'm gay, new at dating, and kind of overweight (though not morbidly so -- say ~ 20/22% body fat), though my face doesn't show it. I'm afraid dates will like me, in part based on that deceptive face, then discover my fatness during a moment of intimacy, and be repulsed. Am I being paranoid?

"Do boys and girls go through adolescence the same way?"

From Bklyn — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 13:28:32 -0800

So, last month, this AskMeFi thread got posted: "Weed Made me Crazy!" Which prompted this MetaTalk thread: "Honest Question or veiled Propaganda?" But the meat of the threads was about going through adolescence. I think a majority of the answers were provided by men; if so, how was it for the ladies? I mean adolescence, not the above threads. The gist of both threads amounted to the notion that around the time adolescence starts flooding boys with testosterone, we (guys) start thinking differently. However it is described, this effect is notable. Most often with the before and after being appreciably different.

Is this the case for women also? What was your experience of how you thought, both about things and of things, before and after?
I kind of assume it would be different for girls (so many things are), but I realized I had no idea.
Thanks!

How best to overcome impotence?

Jake Apathy — Thu, 31 May 2007 23:14:34 -0800

How best to overcome impotence? I feel really horrible about myself right now. So, I just had a sexual experience with a girl that I'm dating, and I was unable to 'get it up.' Naturally, I feel horrible and kind of worthless.

There are the short term fears - what if she never wants to be sexual with me again? What if she tells her (our) friends about this?

But there are also the longer-term fears. The last two times I've tried to have sex, this has happened to me. The last time I tried (and failed) was a year and a half ago. The last time I successfully had sex was over two years ago. What if this impotence is a permanent thing?

Are medicines like viagra worthwhile? Can psychologists help? How can I find one that will be helpful?

Also, is there any way I can salvage my (casual) relationship with this woman? I really like her alot, and would hate to lose her because of this.

More graphic details -

I'm very skilled at giving head. Tonight, I was able to bring the woman to climax, which was awesome. So, I know that she enjoyed herself. Still, I wasn't able to get it up, and I'm afraid that will ruin our dynamic. I blamed the problem on condoms, which was partially true - condoms make it hard for me to keep an erection. However, I do definitely have a problem.

When I'm by myself, I have no trouble maintaining an erection and coming. However, being naked with another person makes it difficult for me to maintain an erection. I know that I'm not gay or anything, because all my fantasies are about women. However, most of my fantasies are of a BDSM nature, and I've kind of given up on finding a partner for BDSM activities since I'm a sub male and dominant females are hard to find. In the past, I've been able to think about my fantasies while having sex, and that's helped me keep my erection. However, that isn't working for me anymore.

Also, I should mention that I was abused as a child. Mentally and physically, and also sexually to some degree. I know that I should see a psychologist, but I have a terrible time with psychologists - I haven't been able to find a good one in my city, and I've tried multiple times. It seems like most of them need psychologists themselves.

Anyway, what I'm thinking I should do is get some viagra or something in the short term, and then somehow find a psychologist who can help me through this mess.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

My wife and I don't have sex. And it's my fault. I'm looking for answers.

Anonymous — Wed, 16 May 2007 14:06:50 -0800

What is the problem? Why can't I have sex? This post is probably a long time coming. Forgive me in advance for the long post, but this is difficult for me to talk about.

For the purposes of ID'ing me, you can call me A. I've posted this anonymously, but have setup an anonymous email account at mistera75@gmail.com if you need to reach me privately.

BACKGROUND
My wife and I met in early 2003 and were married in late 2005. I'm 32 and she's 28. We are very happily married and while we wouldn't go so far to call ourselves "the perfect couple", we have talked about how we just fit together in almost all aspects of our relationship.

The one aspect that we don't fit, however, is sex. Before we got married, we used to have sex almost every weekend (we only saw each other on weekends because we lived in different cities). Even after we moved in together, we had sex fairly often. But since we're married, we have sex once every few months.

Please don't think that "the thrill of the chase is gone." I really don't think that's the case at all. Also, it's not that I'm not attracted to my wife. Far from it. I think she is very sexy. Physically, we're both larger people (overweight), but that truly doesn't matter to me. I find her physically and mentally attractive in all respects.

But I'm not blind. I know intuitively that the lack of sex bothers my wife. But we don't talk about it. I have a difficult time talking about sex, and the few times we've tried to do so, it's been frustrating because of my sheer mental block about it. I think she's given up on talking about it, and honestly, it's relieving to me to not talk about it. I know that's not helpful, but I can't help but feeling that way.

OTHER ISSUES
Other issues that factor in here include:

* I just don't get as tired as she does. My wife goes to bed by 9.30 because she tired earlier in the evening, and since I'm not all that tired, I usually don't go to bed until 1 or 2.

* I'm overweight and diabetic, which I know don't help. I'm pretty sure that one of the side effects of my daily meds for diabetes is that it reduces sex drive.

* There are performance issues here, too. I don't stay hard all for any length of time. When I do manage to stay hard, it takes me a long time to climax. Even though she is very sweet about it and tells me that it doesn't take as long as I think it does, I can't help but feel that it shouldn't take as long as it does. I feel guilty about it, which of course doesn't help me relax and just let it happen.

* Before we got married, she once told me, "I'm a very sexual person." I feel guilty over the fact that I've probably deadened her sex drive.

* I work for a marketing start-up where the hours are killer and the stress is up. I know that doesn't help, either, but that situation is not going to change overnight. That's part of why I'm not so tired in the evenings. I come home at 7.30/8.00, we have dinner, and then relax together for a short while. Then before you know it, she's ready for bed and I'm still winding down from the stresses and emotions of the day.

*sigh* *deep breath*

WHAT DO I DO NOW?
I really don't blame my wife for this at all. The responsibility really is mine here. Even if we talked about it, the issues here really are mine to deal with. But I don't know why or what to do about it.

* Is it all in my head? Do I go see a psychiatrist? A sex therapist? I wouldn't even know where to begin. Plus, let's be honest. "Talking" anonymously to AskMeFi is a helluva lot easier than talking about it with a shrink or my wife.

* Am I masturbating too much? Even though we don't have sex, I *am* able to masturbate. I feel guilty about it, but I do masturbate to Internet porn usually twice a week.

* Is it sexual health-related? Should I get a prescription for Viagara or Cialis or something like that? I'm not opposed to it, but I'm afraid of any negative side effects, especially related to my diabetes.

* Is it health related? I know that I could always lose weight, but I need to do that in general, anyway. I'm *very* hesitant to blame this on my diabetes meds, because I need them to stay in balance with my sugars (I'm type 2, BTW).

*Sigh* *deep breath*

I'm genuinely curious for advice and counsel here. But please don't advise the simple -- "Just take her to bed" or "Just go have sex" or "Lose some weight." It's not like I haven't thought of any of that before, and believe it or not, it's just not that simple.

I really don't know what to do. I want to be more sexual with my wife, but I just don't know how to start. I am so tired of feeling guilty, ugly, and sexually "broken."

Help. Please.

p.s. I've posted this anonymously, but have setup an anonymous email account at mistera75@gmail.com if you need to reach me privately.

Separation of church and medical care?

Wroksie — Sun, 13 May 2007 07:34:09 -0800

The school nurse called my best friend a slut! Well, not exactly, but darn close. My (24 yo) best friend attends a large public state university in Kentucky. She recently went to the campus health clinic to get some birth control pills, and the nurse taking her history asked how many sexual partners she'd had. The answer was ten, and the nurse immediately grabbed my friend's hand and said "oh, honey, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. Having that many sexual partners usually means there's a problem in here (indicating her heart)"
My friend was outraged and insulted, and upon completing her appointment, immediately asked to speak to the director of the health clinic. The director said she didn't see the problem and that she agreed with the nurse, that ten sexual partners at the age of 24 was unhealthy from a physical standpoint-and from a moral standpoint, ten sexual partners at any age was unconscionable.
This is a public school, not a religious school. My friend wants to know if the nurse broke any laws or any medical code of ethics with her moralizing, and where she should take her complaint next (school newspaper? university president? My friend is not afraid of publicity, she doesn't care who knows how many people she's had sex with).

How to pop the testing question without killing the mood?

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Apr 2007 04:01:10 -0800

My basic question is how to do the “let’s get tested for STDs” talk/request without turning off the other person. General responses are great, and if you have the patience to read about my experience inside, specific advice and suggestions would be really nice. So I asked a guy I was dating for a couple of months and probably turned him off in the process, because we broke up later that day. I doubt it was the only reason for the split (we had some personality conflicts) but it certainly feels like a contributing factor. I’m less experienced, he knows that, and we had made out a few times (kissing, snuggling, handjobs for him). On the day we split, when we made out he asked if I would want to try oral sex. I do and told him so, but said I also had concerns and wanted to be safe, and asked if he would consider getting tested. I also asked how many people he’d had sex with. I said I would get tested too – This confused him a little, I think, b/c I’ve told him I’m a virgin, so I explained that it would be to be fair and for his peace of mind. Then he said that he’s ok b/c he had given blood last year - (is that equivalent to an STD test by the way? should I have stopped talking about testing at that point?)

I explained why I was asking - that I had seen a clinic's chart which showed more health risks for women performing oral sex on men than vice versa, and that I just wanted to be safe before going ahead & trying oral sex. He mentioned that he was careful and had never had sex of any kind with someone who had a sore on her lip or genitals. I told him that was cool but that things like that probably aren’t always visible on a person’s body surface. I offered to show him the chart I was talking about online when we got back to my apt. I think that's where I went wrong. Because he said that he didn't want to look at charts, that it didn't sound romantic. And when we got back, we didn't go back to my apt. He called me later that night to break up. I know other personality conflicts were a part of that decision, but I feel like the way I handled the "let's get tested" talk played a part. Is there a better way? How have you handled it? Even if this question doesn't show it, I do have a sense of humor and would be willing to try a more playful approach if that’s better than being clinical and straightforward.

Also, hopefully, next time, the guy will still want to see me after I ask...so what happens next after you ask? Do you show each other your lab results? If someone says they gave blood & that's an acceptable screen for STDs...is it ok to ask for proof (an "I gave blood" sticker?). I realize some amount of trust is necessary in relationships where sex is involved & I can't always be sure. I just want some idea of what is reasonable & how specifically to request it without turning someone off. I suddenly feel like asking someone to get tested so that he can be the recipient of my first, awkward, fumbling attempts at pleasing him is like asking a lot of someone. I don’t want to feel that way.