Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with harassment

How can I resist the temptation to despair?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 16:45:30 -0800

How can I resist the temptation to despair as I get older and still find myself unable to break consistent patterns of frustration in my work and personal life? (long) I am 39 years old and have just had the first successful year of my life in terms of career. After struggling for nearly two decades in boring, low-level jobs that didn't pay enough to enable me to move out of the family home, I entered a new field and did a hell of a lot of work with a hell of a lot of objective and measurable output to show for it. I had excellent feedback all year, mostly from my boss, but also from others.

Better still, I had enough pay and financial benefits to support myself into the future and, a couple of weeks ago, I finally paid off the debts I ran up over the two preceding years when I spent more time looking for work than I did actually working (and during which the cost of going to work was only slightly less than I earned).

I was looking forward to building on my successful year career-wise, and storing up some savings. I thought that finally I would be able to afford to go out once a week and maybe, with any luck, eventually meet someone special.

The only problem (as far as I knew) was that the job was very draining and exhausting, largely because of my boss's management style. She does things at the last minute and characteristically leaves us working towards externally imposed hard deadlines (i.e. the team won't get paid if they're not met) with insufficient time to meet them. She is always unresponsive to appeals for better time management and on one occasion I worked myself into exhaustion, such that I passed out and hit my head.

Over the last couple of months I became weepy and had to stay home sick a couple of days because of uncontrollable crying. I also couldn't force myself to work as fast as usual and had to work longer hours to compensate, meaning I got less and less sleep. I attributed this to the feelings stirred up by a colleague who had just moved on to a new job, but not before toying with my emotions quite severely while simultaneously making it clear that he was unavailable. This led to my thinking about what I still longed for in life that I couldn't have.

Not only this, but it was especially painful because I'd had no inkling that he was attracted to me and mutual attraction is something that has never happened before in my entire life. Yes, you read that right - not ever. I'm attracted to very very few people, and that, combined with geographical isolation (for economic reasons) and my ASD has basically meant a lifetime of utter singleness. There are men I could have dated, but they always seemed to me to have something glaringly undesirable about them. I often thought that perhaps I should have forced myself to go out with them even though I wasn't interested in them, but my instincts invariably turned out to be right. So I guess I'm glad I trusted my instincts but still... no relationships for me. (And I'm sure plenty of people will suggest that the unavailability is the attraction, but I have considered that and I'm pretty sure it's not true.)

Anyway, because I wasn't getting any sleep or any exercise and I never knew when I might be called upon to work myself into exhaustion again, my blood pressure went up. I was given 3 months to get it down again or be taken off some medications I rely on to function every day. So I had to tell my boss I needed to exercise every day and get 7 hours' sleep a night.

Unfortunately the moment I had to tell her was immediately after she yelled at me for booking a flight that landed the night before a conference, instead of travelling for a night and a day to get there an hour before the conference, with of course a full day's work on either side. She *said* she was okay with what I needed to do... what else would she say?

Meanwhile I had to accept that my weepiness wasn't going away and I entered treatment for depression and began to improve.

Although I knew my contract could come to an end at any time, my boss always downplayed this possibility and the feedback I got from others was always that she viewed me as someone who would be around for a long time. Besides, I had just interviewed two new recruits. So it came as a big surprise when I went in for my regular weekly meeting, and after talking over "you need to debug this, enhance that, and update the other," I then got, "and by the way I have to give you notice that your contract won't be renewed."

Still I was assured that it was nothing personal, and coworkers reassured me that I was bound to get a glowing reference and that I'd have known it if anything were wrong with the quality of my work.

A couple of days later it was appraisal time. I was shocked by how negative her review was. On the one hand I had glowing emails of appreciation that I got for completing certain projects, and on the other hand, I had low scores and negative remarks for those exact same projects in the appraisal. I got disparagement for doing things that I had on record that she explicitly ordered me to do. I checked my output against the expected norms for someone at my level, over against her criticism that I should have done more. I also contacted ex-coworkers for a reality check. Having gathered the evidence I put my case that her appraisal was inconsistent with both her feedback and my actual achievements, and that if my performance had indeed been as bad as she had presented it, I should reasonably have expected to hear about it a lot sooner. I reviewed my comments for diplomacy with a third party, and hoped for the best.

Her response was a 2-hour blast of negativity with no constructive content at all (honestly - none), accompanied by demands that I delete my comments, accept hers, and sign the document. (And that I was being mean to her.) Finally she agreed that our differing opinions would be recorded.

I felt drained, but glad I had stuck to my guns. So I go in the next morning for my regular weekly meeting, have a brief task review, and then end up trapped in her office for the better part of an hour while she demands that I retract my comments and sign hers and tells me, again, all the reasons why I deserve a bad review. And that I'm being mean to her. And lying. And that I'm just not able to take constructive criticism. And that I should stop wasting time and sign it right now. She wouldn't let me leave.

I still refused to sign it, and I eventually hit on the right combination of words to get me out of her office. I waited a while for my head to stop spinning, then I collected my things and ran home.

When I dared to look in my inbox the next day I found a conciliatory message saying she was sorry the appraisal had been upsetting "for us both". I reviewed her comments and found them acceptable, and agreed to sign off.

I worked from home that day but, when I got in the next morning, the anxiety got too much and I had to go home. I tried to keep working but I got so weepy I had to call the doctor, who signed me off sick until Monday.

So... that was a long story. I'll go in on Monday and do everything possible to keep my cool. I've taken advice and am fully aware of what my rights are. I'll be trying to get home early enough to apply for at least one job per day, as horrified as I am to have to go through all that again. I have ex-coworkers who fully support me and will provide references. Two medical professionals will back me up if necessary.

That's how things are. But this is how it feels:

When my 80-year-old mother dies, that will mean the loss of my one reliable source of companionship and support. She wants to put the Christmas tree up and I can't stand to because it means one more year has gone by and for all my efforts, I have still failed at life in the most basic ways:

- although I have many good friends, I'm so non-fun that I can't get anyone to hang out with me;
- although I have demonstrable talent, all it ever seems to do for me is get me fired;
- I am going to get into debt again and am unable to support myself at the age of nearly 40;
- I will almost certainly never have children;
- although I seem to be regarded as desirable by quite a few people (including the Handsomest Boy In The Village), this doesn't result in my being any less single;
- although the Handsomest Boy In The Village evidently has feelings of some kind for me, he can't or won't act on them.

I am haunted by temptation to reach the following conclusions:
- that I can't stand to live in a world where I will never succeed for failing;
- that I can't stand to live in a world where all love is theoretical;
- that I just can't stand it.

What can I do to stop thinking these thoughts?

knock knock, who's there?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 12:50:16 -0800

The caretaker for our landlords' buildings is moving into the apartment across the hall. This comes with an atypical set of potential issues. We're trying to figure out the best way to deal with it. Explanation (includes politics) inside. My roommate and I are active, vocal anarchists, who occasionally get harassed by the FBI. They have come to visit, staked out our block, and on at least one occasion called and bothered a previous landlord, among other things. We're not doing anything illegal here; such government harassment is fairly typical for our social circles. We're also pretty good tenants, most of the time.

That said, we're trying to figure out the best way to deal with the coming situation of our caretaker moving into the building. She has quite a bit of power with the (mostly absentee) landlords; she's the one who collects the rent and has a major voice in whether or not people stay or go. It's quite possible that at some point she as our neighbor is going to be subjected to some of this stuff, and we're worried that it could get us into trouble with the landlords if she does.

My roommate argues that the best thing to do is to just sit her down and warn her in advance: "hey, just so you know, this crazy stuff happens sometimes, but we want to assure you that we're not doing anything wrong here." I'm a little afraid to do that, because I think we'll scare her, especially if nothing does end up happening. Lots of people don't know this stuff happens all the time, and think that people who get harassed must be doing something wrong. His counter-argument is that if something does happen, it'll be worse, because she's more likely to think badly of us after the fact if we haven't been up front about it.

Help us, hive mind! What's the best thing for us to do here?

(Note: this question is quite real, as is state repression of activists; please don't let this devolve into accusations of unfounded paranoia, trolling or a referendum on our politics. If you don't want to answer here, you can email me at bugaboo@riseup.net. Thank you!)

Am I being sexually harassed?

Solomon — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 10:28:27 -0800

How does one define "sexual harassment"? I have a colleague at work ("Mary") who seems to enjoy touching me. As far as I can tell, she only touches me. She has also in the past revealed parts of her anatomy to me that I did not wish to see, namely the inside of her thigh and her décolletage (I suffer from eczema, and she was on both occasions showing me a rash that she has). I have been poked in the area of my kidneys, grabbed around the waist (and she didn't let go, despite me moving), had my beard grabbed and had her put her "cold" hands on my face to show me how cold they were.

I have never given her any kind of encouragement to do this whatsoever.

I am 100% certain that it's not sexual on my side. I'm rather confused as to whether or not it is on hers - she knows I'm not going to be interested in her. I don't know if that makes a difference or not?

I am male, late 20's, openly gay. Mary is a married woman in her 40's (I think) with kids only a few years younger than me. I'm shocked and pretty appalled that a colleague would behave in this manner, but I don't want to start using terms like "sexual harassment" when talking to our mutual boss about this if that's not what this is. I haven't spoken to Mary, but I don't really feel comfortable doing that.

One other problem that I have is that our mutual boss has very few people skills and will try to avoid communicating with us at all, even to say hello and goodbye. I've spoken to him about various issues in the past (you may recall A), and he's basically done nothing about the problem. I think I may have to use the phrase "sexual harassment" to get him to do anything, but I don't want to throw that grenade into the discussion lightly. I'd rather not cause a scene unless I have to, given that I have to work with these people, but I do want the invasion of personal space to stop (Mary also took my personal mobile phone number without my consent from a list in an office that only Managers and Supervisors have access to - she occasionally works as duty manager).

Hence my question: when is it sexual harassment? Is there another magic phrase that I can use to get my boss to deal with this problem?

Recommendations for books dealing with overcoming stalking/harassment?

Anonymous — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 13:22:47 -0800

My mom is dealing with the aftermath of a stalking situation. Looking for books and other things that might help her get through it. My mom has been dealing with an ex-boyfriend-turned-stalker over the past few months. She has pursued every legal avenue available to her and has been very good about exercising all her options, but she's been having a hard time processing the fear and the anxiety that go along with it. She is exploring therapy and victims' advocacy groups, etc., to help herself, but she's also interested in recommendations for books that deal with overcoming this experience in a helpful way. She feels rather isolated because she doesn't have a lot of people around her who understand what she's going through (and a few who have actually made it worse by intimating that it was somehow her fault), and I am currently living a few states away and thus cannot be with her as often as I would like. So if you know of a book or other resource that helped you through a similar situation, I'd appreciate your recommendation so that I can pass it along to her. I think works in which the author's sense of empathy is pronounced would be ideal, because the lack of understanding and concern from our family and other people around her in her life right now is really making this difficult for her.

Not Exactly Mister Rogers

milinar — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 12:51:39 -0800

So I just moved into an apartment, and found out that I have a psycho neighbor. He is not a tenant of the building, but lives in a house next to my apartment. He's accused me of calling the cops on him (he plays his music loud, but I didn't call the cops), and has twice screamed at my guests when all we were doing was talking in normal conversational tones IN MY LIVING ROOM. Literally, screamed - he comes out of his house, bangs on his door and swears and screams at me to shut the fuck up.

He's also rung my doorbell twice at 7 am to tell me that my beeping my car to lock and unlock it wakes him up, and has followed me up the stairs to my house to ask for my remote so he can turn off the beeper because 'he used to sell Toyotas'.

My manager never told me about this problem outright, but when I was over at the office signing the lease, his co-worker made a reference to it... "Oh, you rented THAT apartment."

Is there any legal recourse I have? This is borderline harassment and I fully intend to call the cops the next time anything happens. Can I ask my manager to find me another apartment (the company manages many buildings).

Thanks for your help!

How do I deal with an email stalker?

Ostara — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 13:32:14 -0800

For the past several years, someone with a sick fetish has been sending me sexually harassing emails. The emails come to my Hotmail and Yahoo accounts. When I had a MySpace account, I'd get messages there as well. Up until recently, I've just deleted the messages and blocked his address. This person, however, always just gets a new throwaway email address and continues to send me messages. Right now they show up every 3 weeks or so.

I'm to the point now where I am absolutely tired of this. The emails detail what he would like to do to me, and I do feel threatened. What can I do?

I don't know who this person is, or why I'm the focus of this attention.

When does occasional contact from a former colleague turn into stalking?

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 14:36:26 -0800

When does occasional contact from a former colleague turn into stalking? What is the best way to handle unwanted communication from a person for whom rejection may cause real emotional hardship? My fiancee gets occasional phone calls/emails (every few months) from a former colleague. This person is an older man who she had infrequent contact with through a regular volunteer activity. He appeared to be somewhat lonely and eccentric, and as is her nature she made an effort to be friendly. Their interaction was almost exclusively limited to conversations at the events, although they did go for coffee a few times outside. Nothing inappropriate ever happened, just conversation. After a while she felt a little bit uncomfortable with that level of relationship so she made an effort to cut things off.

Apparently they exchanged contact info (email/phone) when setting these meetings up, and he began to call/email occasionally, maybe every couple of months, even with no response back from her, and even after the volunteer program ended over a year ago. The messages he leaves are somewhat disturbing, although not in an overtly threatening way. He will talk about how he's really lonely, in therapy, really depressed, how he doesn't have any friends, etc. Again, these are messages that she has been getting every couple of months, even with no response back to him.

I've never met this guy, but according to her he is a little bit 'off' but totally harmless - legally blind, older (maybe 60s, for reference we are around 30), doesn't know where she/we live, etc. She has a tendency to be very nonconfrontational and so has never told the guy to just buzz off - she is afraid it might make his depression worse or push him over some edge, and so she's generally chosen to just 'let it go'.

Needless to say, this really freaks me out - every time she gets a message it is very upsetting. A few months will go by with no contact, but then out of the blue some new weird email will show up and remind us of this. Based on the limit of their previous interactions, the stuff he sends would be considered way over the line by anyone with a normal sense of human relations or social norms (which he obviously is not).

We have tried to look at this from a compassionate point of view - it seems like maybe he has some real issues and finds some meaning in having a psuedo-'relationship' with her by leaving these messages or sending emails. And it does seem like he might be harmless... but, still it makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps it seems insensitive or cruel to be reacting like this to someone who obviously has problems. Still, it's creepy, and I don't like it. The question is, what should we do? Should we or I just call or send this guy an email, telling him (in as nice a way as possible) that it is inappropriate for an older man to be repeatedly sending these kinds of messages to a younger woman like this? Should we be concerned about the risks that it might cause him to ramp up his contact by responding somehow legitimizing his efforts? Change her phone number and email? Just continue to ignore it? Thanks for any advice.

How to deal with harassing "Private Number" calls?

one_bean — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 01:33:38 -0800

Please help me solve a "Private Call" mystery. I have been getting calls for years from an older woman with an accent asking all sorts of weird questions. Now that she's started calling in the middle of the night, I contacted my cell phone carrier (AT&T) and requested help with the problem. They said my only option was to switch numbers. Do I have other options? Ever since I've had this number (5 years), I've been getting calls from an old woman saying things that range from "Please help me," to "How old are you?" "Where is Ben?" and "Please teach me English." On one level, I am worried about her. On the other, I find her incredibly creepy. I've talked to multiple people at AT&T who all say there is nothing they can do because the number is listed as "Private," and that even if I were to request help from the police, they wouldn't be able to trace the number, either. Four the past three nights, she's called around four in the morning. Apart from turning my phone off when I'm sleeping (and getting a new alarm clock), what do I do in this situation?

sexual harassment and unwanted attention abroad

acidic — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 07:13:06 -0800

How can I, a young woman in a foreign country, stop men on the street from harassing me, or from paying me so much attention? I'm currently traveling through the Balkans, and I'm having a hell of a time dealing with sexual harassment. I'm a young woman of mixed (clearly foreign) ethnicity, and I'm constantly fending off romantic advances (no, I don't want to run away with you to Montenegro), and men have tried to grope me on the bus more times than I can count. Plus, since I'm traveling alone I attract attention for that reason. When I walk around, I feel as every eye is on me-- some stares hostile, some sexual, but all unwavering. I understand that this is to be expected, and there's nothing I can do to change my appearance or situation, but I'm getting really sick and tired of all the extra attention. How should I act so that I minimize attention, and what can I do when people are pissing me off, if I can't tell them off in my own language and don't want to make trouble in a foreign country?

Note: of course this is a problem even in one's home country but I think I'm being noticed because I am a foreign woman. The countries where I've had problems are Serbia and particularly Albania, and I'm going to Istanbul now (don't know how that will be). My wardrobe options are limited, but would it make a difference to wear shorts instead of dresses or skirts? I figure my legs are showing regardless..

Help me get my landlord to stop saying inappropriate things to me.

Anonymous — Mon, 25 May 2009 12:39:50 -0800

Help me get my landlord to stop saying inappropriate things to me. I am a young woman who lives in a house that has been converted into a few apartments. My landlord lives in one of those apartments. He is generally very nice, and goes out of his way to help me with things, but he is making me increasingly uncomfortable. He'll make random comments about my body or appearance, like, "I've noticed you're showing a lot of leg lately," or, "I'm so lucky that such attractive young women rent my apartments." He usually says these things not as part of a conversation, but as the only thing he says to me when passing me in the house or on the street. He also tells me totally off-the-wall, inappropriate stories. Once he told me an extended story about a friend of his who watched a photoshoot of a naked woman, in which my landlord managed to insert the fact that he's circumcised. It was completely unrelated to anything, and I could not figure out why he was telling me. He also enters my apartment without notice (sometimes without knocking). I feel unsafe here, and I often feel like I have to sneak around to avoid being harassed.

He's retired, so he's around the house or yard most of the time. He's probably in his late 50s, maybe early 60s, so not old enough to have dementia.

I've been here for a year and will be moving in another couple of months, so I'm debating whether it's even worth it to say something. I feel like he needs to be made aware that what he's doing is inappropriate, regardless of whether it continues to affect me or not. I'm pretty bad at confrontation, especially when I'm going to have to see the person on an ongoing basis, but I also know that I need to stand up for myself.

So, my questions are:
1) Am I overreacting?
2) Should I just suck it up and deal with it, or should I say something?
3) If I should say something, how can I phrase it to maximize the chance that the next couple months are not hugely uncomfortable?

How can I get my ex to leave me alone?

Anonymous — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 08:47:03 -0800

My ex is still contacting me and begging for another chance more than a year after the breakup. A restraining order is apparently not an option. I can't become unreachable. What can I do? My ex of 3+ years broke up with me very suddenly over a year ago. We had about two and a half months of dissecting the relationship into itty bitty “why this happened” pieces which drove me batty, and I finally ended all communication very abruptly. I met someone a few weeks later and fell head over heels, and we happened to run into my ex on our third or fourth date—well, happened to, in that my ex showed up at my apartment unannounced just as we were arriving there.

My ex flipped out. He started calling me multiple times a day, stopping by my apartment and ringing my buzzer late at night, sending flowers to me at work, writing long drunken emails—basically, he only realized he’d “made a mistake” after he saw me with someone else. I responded only for about a week, trying to gently and then firmly tell him he’d missed the boat. Then I started ignoring his efforts altogether. But they didn’t stop. After a month, I threatened him with a restraining order. He didn’t stop. I went to the police and filed a harassment complaint, but since he’s never been threatening (only whining and begging for another chance) the police wouldn’t/couldn’t help me with a restraining order (I am in NYC). They closed the complaint in front of me. I got in touch with my ex’s mother and asked her to intervene, and she said she would talk to him.

After a few months, it died down to one contact every few weeks, during which time he moved to my neighborhood with his new girlfriend (which he left me a message about). But then this morning, more than a year after the breakup, he sent me another email begging for a chance at friendship if nothing more, and telling me that he has to confess he still loves me.

I should explain here that there’s no way for me to avoid him altogether—he knows my work number, my personal and work email addresses, where I live. I haven’t changed my cell phone number since it’s used for work (I’m an independent contractor and it would be a huge hassle to get a new number to all my clients). I simply can’t become completely unreachable. And while I can ignore every message, I’m still not able to avoid him entirely (he sometimes uses different numbers/throwaway email addresses, I guess suspecting I’ve set up filters to send emails right in the trash). And apparently the police here will not help me. Threatening a restraining order without the ability to follow through clearly didn’t work.

I realize I can’t control someone else’s behavior, but...this is exhausting and irritating. I’ve thought of threatening to start forwarding all messages to the new girlfriend, since I assume she doesn’t know this is going on, and I also assume that since they recently signed a lease, he doesn’t want an uncomfortable living situation, but I’m not sure whether that would work and don’t want to appear vengeful against her. As far as I know, she’s an innocent bystander and I would rather not hurt her feelings, but on the other hand, she might deserve to know what’s going on (I believe he was doing the same thing at the beginning of our relationship, and I would like to have known; I probably wouldn’t have stayed with him for three years).

But the main point is, I don’t want revenge. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to argue or fight or hear how wonderful I am and how much he loves me. I don’t want to dread checking my email, I don’t want to screen all calls from unknown numbers. I just want him to Leave. Me. Alone.

I should add, he is 30. He knows that I don't want him to contact me (every message begins with "I know you don't want to hear from me, but..."). I am a little afraid of him, although he has never threatened me and never hit me during our relationship. But his behavior over the last year clearly indicates that he has no self-control.

What can I do? What would you do?

Legal Harassment Filter: I'm being harassed by a soldier.

charles_farley — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 13:10:54 -0800

Who can I contact if I'm being harassed by a U.S. army soldier. I'm currently the victim of harassment by a U.S. army soldier. This person is clearly in violation of the harassment laws in my state. I've tried to resolve this problem amicably myself, and I've tried resolving this through a third party, to no avail. Who in the army can I contact about this kind of issue?

Workplace Harassment

Anonymous — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 09:48:40 -0800

How do I respond to a physical threat from my supervisor? I made a mistake at work and my supervisor responded by saying, "I could stab you in the face right now." This was said in an angry and threatening tone while making eye contact with me. This was done near other employees who may or may not have heard. If it makes any difference, I work in a kitchen where knives are readily available.

I would like advice on what to say to my supervisor and his supervisor, who is the owner/general manager, to express my discomfort and hope that something like this never happens again.

There is no HR department, my supervisor reports to the owner/general manager.

I have read this thread and plan to document everything and will consider speaking to a lawyer.

To the people who will say, "find a new job," I like my job, I like the people I work with, and the owner. I don't think I should have to rearrange my life to accommodate my supervisor's shortcomings.

If anyone wants to communicate by email, respond to stabyouinthefacerightnow@gmail.com

What should I do about a threat-letter?

malusmoriendumest — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 19:33:28 -0800

What should I do about a threatening letter, both personally and legally? Yesterday my father was involved in an incident with my next-door neighbour and was attacked, causing severe bleeding injuries, including a wound that endangered his left eye. To avoid trouble he declined to press charges against the assailant, but due to their own actions (shouting at and pushing the police officers), some of the neighbours were arrested for a breach of the peace. When I took my father back home from the hospital, I found a crudely scrawled note on an envelope which was in essence a list of names, accompanied by a swear-word filled threat to the effect that these people were "coming for" me and my family. These people have threatened in person to cause trouble as a result of the incident, to the point of damaging my house, and I want to nip it in the bud before it goes any further. I live in the UK, so any suggestions as to what actions I should take?

Reporting debt-based harassment to attorney general

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 06:54:41 -0800

What's the best way to go about reporting a case of harassment from creditors for debts I don't owe? I'm in Pennsylvania, USA. For the past two years, I have been threatened and harassed by various creditors for debts (at least three or four different ones) that aren't mine. They are in the name of a person who happens to have the same name (except middle initial) as me, but these companies have a different SSN and birthdate associated with the person and their debts. The person has mailing addresses (P.O. boxes) in my state, but I have never lived anywhere near the city those P.O.B.s are in. I have checked my credit report, and, so far, these threats have not affected my credit.

After two years, the phone calls and letters haven't stopped coming. I write disputes citing the FDCPA, and, for a while, things are quiet. Then, after a few months, I am contacted about a new debt. When I talk to someone on the phone, I do explain the full situation and tell them not to call me again, and they say that they'll remove my phone number from their database. I hadn't gotten a call since January, but I got a new one yesterday.

Here's my question: I've been told that I should report this entire issue to my state attorney general. Once I realized what was happening, I kept records of calls, and I have all my paperwork (letters received and sent) pertaining to this case. I was looking at the PA attorney general's website, and I don't really know how to go about reporting this. There is a consumer complaint form, but it doesn't seem to really apply to my situation. I've been procrastinating this step for a while, but I do want this taken care of. Or, at the very least, I want a paper trail started indicating that I have contacted some sort of governmental body disputing this entire situation. How would you handle this? Would you fill out the form (linked above), or would you write a separate letter? Or.. is it not worth it (Please don't tell me this.. This is affecting my physical and mental health; I need it to end already!)? I'm sorry if this is a really obvious or dumb question.. I'm clueless about how to deal with this whole situation, and I don't have anyone who can advise me.

[Also, I have asked questions relating to this issue in the past, and the information, help, and support I have received have been invaluable. I followed a lot of the advice given, and I'd be in a far worse place if I hadn't asked. So, even if no one has anything to say on this particular topic, I am so appreciative of everyone who has answered my questions in the past.]

How do I make phone calls looking for my ex of 15 years ago stop?

dejah420 — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 07:54:18 -0800

I got divorced almost 15 years ago. It was not a friendly divorce, and as such, I've not spoken to the ex since the night I found him in flagrante delicto. I've since remarried, had a kid, bought a house and have a stellar credit rating. Recently I've started to get collection agencies calling the house for the ex's debts. Other than dealing with each individual collection agency as they call at insane hours, is there any sort of general clearing house type place where I can say "I don't know where he is, I don't know what he's doing, and I'm certainly not going to pay his bills?" Is there anything I can do to make the phone calls stop? Do I have any legal recourse at all?

Im being impersonated on yahoo

sandra_s — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 11:23:50 -0800

I am being impersonated and misrepresented by someone who is using a Yahoo ID similar to my name and using my photo. Could get NSFW inside. Hi Gang.

I am an "adult performance artist". :-) I have a Yahoo account, "MYNAME", where "MYNAME" is my actual name. I have had it since 1999.

Someone has started a Yahoo account recently under the name of "MYNAME_X", where "X" is a term tangentially related to my performance art. They have started a Yahoo 360 group and are trying to pass themselves off as me. They are using copyrighted (by me) photos of me (available in literally thousands of places online or directly from my website) and writing in the first person as if they were me. The 360 profile is very misleading/blatantly wrong as to my tastes/interests, and offers "me" for services of which I am NOT available.

I do not know who this person is, however, i do not think from the info they are posting that they know me personally.

Because I am being impersonated by this person and harassed because of their actions, I contacted yahoo via their online abuse reporting form. My letter was never read by a human and their automatic system picked up on the word "copyright" and emailed me a form letter on how to initiate a DCMA "Notification of Infringement" and that once that is received, they will "look into" the copyright infringement case.

I dont give a hoot in heck about the copyright infringement. I am worried about Impersonation and harassment.

I have left a voicemail at Yahoo corporate (2+ hours ago) with someone who the operator transferred me to.

I have an email into my legal counsel. However, I would like to know if anyone has any experience with a situation like this (especially with yahoo), and has any advice on the situation.

Harassment and stalking are all-too-common in this industry and sometimes, they don't get resolved utill its to late for the impersonated.

Thanks all!
XO

Hi, I'm a textbook co-dependent, nice to meetcha!

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 15:56:31 -0800

Help me grow a spine, stop being a drama queen, and get control of my life again. I am in therapy, just to get that out of the way first. Unfortunately, I haven't had an appointment due to the holidays in almost a month and won't for a while, and I am hoping just to get some head-on-straight advice from all of you smarties here.

I went through a painful break up in June, 2007, ending a 10 year relationship. I got into that safe but ultimately suffocating relationship because my abandonment issues were too much for me to take on my own. I finally found the strength to end it last year, and have been staring into the void of all of this psychic pain that I never dealt with - neglectful, abusive parents, crippling loneliness and the lack of a family system, blah blah blah.

I am successful in my career; I work in a largely male dominated industry. I started a new job almost a year ago now, and there are virtually no women at the company. I have made new female friends, but I have very little in the way of a support system nearby. This is particularly difficult to me because I am a walking daddy issue with feet - I am very vulnerable to men because of my abandonment issues with my father.

After a work related function, I got severely sexually harassed by one of my subordinates. I had too much to drink and was unable to drive home, he had too much to drink as well, and he put the moves on me in a very disrespectful way, trying over and over again to kiss me despite my repeated "nos". At first I was embarrassed for him, after a while I got scared, and wound up hiding in the bathroom and calling a guy that I've been dating for 3 months to get "rescued".

The guy I've been dating had been great, but we are not exclusive, for myriad reasons, both of us being in a place where we're filling a void for eachother but are unable or unwilling to take it too much farther than we've taken it, but I was having a meltdown and he was who I decided to call.

He of course was furious and wanted me to get my subordinate fired. I felt uncomfortable with that, mostly because I was drunk at work and feel that I should have been more in control of the situation, and also because I have big emotional issues right now stemming from my current situation and the abuse in my past (including an abusive relationship), it's difficult for me to tell whether or not I overreacted to the situation or not. I don't want to get anybody fired because I am a little bit crazy and dramatic right now.

Last night, the guy I've been seeing and I had a terrible, drunken shouting match. All of this is pretty abnormal for me, at least it had been for the last 10 years, when I got myself some sanity. The big dramatic breakdown between me and new dude reminded me very much of the dysfunctional drama that I experienced when I was out on my own and a mess, before I hid in an unsatisfying relationship for a decade.

During this big dramatic fight, he gave me an ultimatum - to get my subordinate fired or he was going to never speak to me again. I know, I know, way to make an already fucked up situation even worse.

Ok, well, now that you have the (embarrassing, hence the anonymous-ness) backstory, here are some things I would love to get advice on:

1.) I know that I need to break up with 3 months dude. The fact that we had an argument like that, that he said the things he said, and that he would exploit something that is already very difficult for me, is a giant red flag -- nevermind the fact that we're not even exclusive and even if he wasn't a leetle bit crazy, I don't know that I'd want to be. Still, my feelings for him are pretty strong, and I know that I have to end this - I just genuinely don't know how. I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to not cave if and when he calls to apologize, which I am almost certain he will do.

2.) I really, really do not want to get my coworker fired. However, I am so stressed out about returning to work and having to deal with him. Now, not only is he the guy that harassed me, disrespected me and scared me enough to literally send me into an emotional tailspin (even though I understand my own part in it), the situation has manifested itself to have destroyed one of the few relationships that I was very much enjoying. I know that this relationship was headed for the rocks anyway, and that I can't blame this guy for it, but I will always see it, I do not know how to get past this and work with this man again. I know that it's on me to do so.

3.) I am in therapy and I call my friends and talk about this kind of stuff from time to time, but it is so, incredibly, terribly embarrassing. I have always been the rock for my friends and family; I can't stand being this dramatic and over the top. I don't even want to tell anybody about this because it's so humiliating. That being said, I know that's how I got myself into the terribly abusive relationship I was in in my youth (before I entered into my 10 year, significant relationship, which was a lot of things that weren't great, but was never, ever abusive) -- by isolating myself. I can't stop feeling like I am doomed to be a loony drama queen, despite all of my logical understanding of the situation, my behavior is driven from an emotional place. I feel like telling myself to stop freaking out is like trying to tell myself to stop feeling hungry or tired.

I know that I got out of this place before, but I did it by taking myself out of the game. I threw up walls everywhere, I stopped living for myself, and I gave up on my dreams in order to feel safe and loved. Now that I'm trying to strike out on my own, I feel crazy and dramatic and out of control. If you have been through this, how did you do it, while maintaining your sense of self? I keep telling myself, it's not too late for me, I can keep my job, I can keep my sense of self, I can do what I want to do, and I can do it on my own -- but obviously I'm not doing the best job of it right now. Obviously the drinking has to go. That's really the first and only step I've got on my list right now.

Words of comfort and advice would be very much appreciated. Or even words of "Stop being a drama queen you lunatic."

How can I get them to leave me alone?

uh126 — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 10:32:06 -0800

How can I get them to leave me alone? I have the court order. I have moved and rarely leave the house. So how do I get this person to leave me alone? In August I posted about a getting out of a relationship with someone who I suspected suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder.

You can see the post here or by clicking on my other activity - it's the only other post I've made.
The judge awarded me two years of protection and ordered this person to pay my attorney's fees. They are not allowed to contact me directly or indirectly. And I have completely moved on - relocated, focused on my work and my health and a new relationship, and am, for the most part, VERY happy.

However, this person persists on doing whatever they can to "get" me. Their myspace page is always full of unflattering references to me. For a while they were using their profile to count down the days left on the abuse order, blogging about how they were going to move in on my line of work (which is very specialized) to pay off their debt, and listing all the people they thought I had slept with (most names I didn't even recognize).

Now their myspace page is also full of derogatory statements about the new person in my life and my relationship with them. Of course no one is named and it's just vague enough, but anyone who knows about our history is bound to get the reference.

This person continues to harass my friends - via email, in person, or on the phone. But I am never named, so it does not count as indirect contact. On my birthday they tracked down my celebration at a restaurant and left an anonymous card for me with the kitchen staff (who, when asked, gave a positive name ID for the person). However, without subpoenaing everyone involved, it would be hard to prove that it was this person who had left the card.

This weekend I received an email from their ex - or at least it is supposed to be from their ex. I would not put it past this person to fake the address and imitate their ex. The contents of the email were bland but there was just enough to make me wonder.

I have pretty much retreated from the world to avoid any interaction with this person. I rarely go out, and when I do it is to places that they do not frequent, or from where they have been banned. I have deleted any presence on social sites like myspace, and except for my business, I have no online presence at all.

My attorney and my psychiatrist say, "Just ignore him, but if he keeps it up then maybe something could be done." When I talked to law enforcement about this, I was told, "You have a case." But when I went to the station to report the incidents, I was told, "You don't have a case."

Part of me wants to go after this person but I am scared of what will happen. If they're this persistent and nasty after a protection order, how bad would it be if they were jailed?

Part of me feels like I should continue to ignore it. But it makes me sick that my loved ones are being affected.

I am tired of living like a recluse but am nervous about doing anything that's going to incite them. And while none of the things that they've done are huge and terrible, it's like death by a thousand papercuts.

So any thoughts on how to make them stop? Or should I just continue to ignore them and hide?

How can I get my predecessor's collection agencies to stop calling me?

General Malaise — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 10:16:10 -0800

My predecessor's creditors are calling me up to 10-15 times a day: What can I do about it? When I got this position at my company, I inherited a phone number from my predecessor. This person must have been bad, because their creditors won't accept that my predecessor no longer works here: They call about 10-20 times a day!

There are a couple of voices I can make out that call numerous times a day themselves. Each time I tell them that the person there is nobody here by that name, please take my office number off your calling list. But they never do. And many of them seem to not speak English very well, so it's hard to communicate that no, I cannot transfer you to them, because that person does not work here.

Is there any action I can take to keep them from calling me, as I have no option but answer the phone every time and argue with them? I've read the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act, but it doesn't seem to speak to this practice specifically.

(I've asked our help desk: my number can't be changed, because over 500 of our contacts have it, as it's a permanent number for this position.)

Having a phone makes me feel dirty.

dagnyscott — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 06:31:22 -0800

I'm being hounded by creditors - and they're not mine. What can I do to get them to stop calling my phone number?

internet infamy

moonlet — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 10:17:54 -0800

Someone reproduced the full text of an email from me, including my unique full name, on a Google-indexed forum. My two messages to the forum requesting removal have been fruitless. Am I out of luck? This guy used to stalk me. I didn't have to file a restraining order, but I did have to clearly outline the full extent of his inappropriate behavior in an email, which he thoughtfully reproduced in full on the internet. Circumstances strongly suggest he did it hoping I'd find it; it wouldn't be the first time.

The content of the email definitely reflects more badly on him than it does on me, but evidence that I was stalked isn't really what I want popping up in the ~10 Google results for my name. I'll be applying for new jobs at the end of the year, and for grad school the year after that. Not to mention, it's not exactly a fun time to remember.

The forum's TOS says users are held personally responsible for any "libelous, defamatory, or slanderous remarks" they make, and that posting to the forums signifies permission for the site to use, modify, or reproduce submissions in any way, in part or in whole, now or in the future, etc etc. I don't think this qualifies as defamation, and they don't specifically mention harassment, but they could delete or alter content if they wanted to.

I send them a polite message a few months explaining that their member was using this post to harass me, and that I'd appreciate it if they could delete it. I sent it again last week, noting that their contact page promises a response within one day. Nothing.

One possible issue is that it's a support forum for, and run by, people with a developmental disorder. My email suggests that his stalking was related to his disorder and I wasn't sympathetic to him. (I didn't know at the time, actually.)

Is there anything I can do here?

Paranoid Landlady

Xoder — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 20:03:36 -0800

My friends' landlady is clearly paranoid and harassing my friends. What can they do? So, my friends have an adorable 16-mo. old son, and rent an apartment in the Bronx. As their credit histories were a little thin, the landlady insisted upon two months rent as a security deposit ($2800). This is in addition to the first month's rent, for a grand total of $4200. A little steep, but they needed a place here.

They've been living there for the past four months. During this time, the landlady has accused them of smoking in the apartment just about every month, some months two or three times. My friends would NEVER endanger the welfare of their son, nor their lease (and their nearly $3k, which the landlady says she will keep if they break their lease).

Just today the landlady came upstairs to finally install their legally-required window guards. During this 45-minute procedure (that she never actually finished) she accused them yet again of smoking in the apartment. In addition, she accused them of spraying roach spray down the vent, but only when she's in the bathroom. [She started this conversation by asking if my friends have some sort of "personal war" against her.] She then spent an additional 1.5-hours searching the apartment for roach spray or cigarettes, neither of which my friends have, and again, would never use around their son.

She also informed my friends that the downstairs tenants got evicted for smoking, even though they obviously weren't (i.e. my friends would have smelled the smoke too). Also, the people who lived in my friends' apartment before them were kicked out for (allegedly) smoking.

When my friend asked why the landlady was harassing her, she said that she knew the law regarding harassment, and she wasn't doing it. In addition, that the downstairs tenants had filed a report, and that she knew the right people to make sure she "got what she needed". Which is apparently this entire building to herself. She says she's done it before—the apartments were vacant for months before my friends moved in.

The landlady keeps her (ground-floor) windows open all the time, which does not fit with her claims of allergies. Previously there have been scents that were coming off the street that she attributed to my friends.

What are my friends' rights in this situation?
How can they prove that they are not smoking/spraying/whatever?
Can they get the landlady on harassment? They have been taking notes, documenting what and when she makes such accusations.
Was the 2-month security deposit legal?

I'm sorry for the massively long background and for stacking questions, but this has got my friends at wit's end. It does not help that one of them just moved here from another city, and is having a hard time adjusting.

Thanks all.

you need to just let it go

Anonymous — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 07:03:29 -0800

I quit my job 3 months ago and my former boss won't stop harassing/threatening me. Unfortunately, politely asking him to stop is not an option. 3 person company, i was the #2 guy. I resigned for multiple reasons, including his erratic and litigious behavior affecting my own reputation in the industry. I started my own company which he found out about 1 month later. yes i have a non-compete which i am adhering to the letter.

Since resigning, once a week or so i receive an e-mail or voicemail to the effect of "you're busted", "you're going to pay for this", "no one likes you", "i'm suing you tomorrow", "you have no idea of the legal battle you're up against". One note even threatened to send my wife an innapropriate e-mail i sent to a former intern (I did no such thing), and i have heard third hand that he has told former contacts that I was fired for stealing and doing 'very bad things'. No, suing him for defamation just escalates things, and no-one really believes him.

My lawyer says he is within his legal right to threaten suit, though true to form i know he never will. i have never responded to him, but he simply won't stop. he's obsessed. is there anything i can do here, his e-mails cause me to not focus on my business for several hours (or more). Clearly the 'eventually he will stop' isn't proving to be true.

Has anyone ever served a jail sentence for harassing a whale?

jason's_planet — Tue, 10 Jul 2007 08:23:55 -0800

Has anyone ever done time in prison for harassing a whale? In America, the Marine Mammal Protection Act of 1972 makes it illegal to harass whales. My understanding is that bringing your boat closer than 100 yards to a whale or engaging in any kind of conduct that disrupts the whale's behavior constitutes harassment.

My google research has uncovered a case where someone was fined $10,000 for violating this law. But it's possible to be sentenced to jail time under this law as well.

So . . . has anyone ever served time in a Federal prison for the crime of harassing whales?

(I understand that Canada has a similar law, so if you know of any such cases from Canada or other countries, feel free to mention those as well.)

Many thanks in advance.