Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with happiness

How to be really motivated but not miserable?

malhouse — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 11:48:13 -0800

How do you give yourself the motivation to be great, without also having a giant unfillable hole in your soul that will doom you to misery? My friend is depressed because she thinks she will never be truly great at anything. It seems like the obvious solution is to realize that happiness can't be tied to external measures of "greatness" or "success," because that is usually an impossible standard (no matter how successful she gets, it won't be enough.) There's certainly a long history of truly great artists, athletes, etc., who were still tortured or full of self-hatred.

But on the other hand, I don't want to seem like I'm encouraging her to settle for mediocrity. That could be insulting, and also, who am I to say that she shouldn't strive to be the best?

Just wondering if anyone has thoughts on how to reconcile this. I want her to be happy and fulfilled, but I also want to encourage her lofty aspirations.

PS: She is genuinely smart and talented, but I'm not sure if that's relevant.

Two Stupid Jobs

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 09:51:13 -0800

I went from possibly being unemployed to being offered two jobs I only sort of want. I need to take one of them in order to live, which should I take? I recently posted this anonymous askme about getting an internship in public radio, and I ended up getting the position. I then had to tell my employers at a full time job that I have worked at for four years (outsourced IT) that I would like to go part time for three months during the internship. Initially, they told me there was no place for me there while I was doing the internship and there was much hand-wringing and worrying about money, as well as applying for other positions.

Eventually, me and my employers were able to come to an agreement where I would move away from my current position in account management toward a more sales-oriented position. I will be taking a pay cut, from 73k to 60k, which won't impact me much. For the three months that I am part time, I will be making 30k, which, while difficult, I can handle. My continued employment is provisional on my success in this position, and will be reviewed again when the internship wraps up at the end of March

During the period of hand-wringing and application sending, I applied for a position at a non-profit as their operations manager. This non-profit works with first amendment issues and, as someone who wants to work in journalism, has a mission that much more jibes with my world view than the corporation I currently work at. About 2/3 of the job will be administrative and kind of dry, but there is a third that will allow me to work on education initiatives, writing for the website, and other things that I feel like I would actually enjoy. The executive director of this non-profit has basically told me that he would like to offer me the position and that he just needs the approval of the board.

The problem with this position is that it starts, full-time, at 36k a year, a little less than half of what I make now. Additionally, the director has made it clear to me that it will require more than the standard 40 hours a week, and will include having to go to conferences (pays us for travel and lodging, but no per diem or anything.) The director has made it clear that they are not looking for "nine to fivers," and they want a person who can commit outside of the standard 40 hour work week. I live in New York city, and I'm paying about $825.00 a month for rent. Doing the math, if I were making 36k a year, after taxes, rent would be just under half of my total monthly income.

So I'm faced with a choice. In one corner, a sales job that I almost certainly won't enjoy, at a decent pay rate, with the provision that I need to remain successful or I will be let go, and in the other a job which I might like a little more (though still saddled with a lot of drudgery) for very little money, requiring hours beyond the standard 40. Honestly, neither of these are holding a very strong appeal for me at the moment. My focus is on radio and journalism, both admittedly difficult fields to break into.

I guess my question would be, which one sounds less painful to you?

Should I go for financial security and take the sales job?

or

Should I go for a position that I might potentially like more and work for peanuts for the forseeable future?

Your help would be appreciated. Any questions can be sent to throwaway email address:

radiodreamjob@gmail.com

There. You Did It. Are You Happy Now? (Career Satisfaction Question Inside)

webhund — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:48:07 -0800

I've been contemplating a huge career change for the better part of a year now and am almost ready to take the plunge into something completely different. But one of the nagging questions I'm still constantly asking myself is whether I'm doing this because I'm fed up with absence of personal satisfaction in my current job (divorce lawyer) or whether that feeling is something else that would, given enough time, just follow me on to the new career. So the question is: If, after long consideration, analysis, and thought about what your true passions in life are, you actually did make that leap from Career A to Career B, did your change to Career B bring you any of the fulfillment and "happiness" you thought it would after all?

For the purposes of this question, assume:

Career A: What you went to school for, trained for, fell into, spent years doing, or otherwise defaulted into, etc...

Career B: The career/job that, after long consideration, thinking, and maybe even therapy, you thought would be awesome because it would bring you personal satisfaction, related to one of your passions in life, and that you actually ended up doing (or at least something semi-directly related).

NOTE: I'm not asking about the job change where you couldn't decide between the NYC job and the one in Wasilla because you could have a dog in Wasilla but not real bagels. Not the one where you couldn't decide whether to go back to school at age 22 after a year in Europe. Not the one where you couldn't decide whether to change jobs to move from San Antonio to be with your partner in Gainesville. But the one where you spent lots of time thinking about and identifying your true "passions" in life (per many helpful previous AskMe's), how to change careers to be doing something related to that passion, and where you actually made that change a la Po Bronson, What Color is Your Parachute, The Artist's Way, etc. and all the other very helpful resources that answers to prior AskMe's point (and they're great, BTW).

So, after all that mental knashing and deliberation, did you find that happiness or life-satisfaction increased for you after changing to Career B? If so, why do you think it worked for you? If not, why not? What would you tell someone who's getting ready to make that leap?

Stress Detector

philosophistry — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 16:32:48 -0800

Is there a device that can automatically observe your stress levels in real-time? A research scientist mentioned she knew of another research scientist who had a device like this. As she said, "It reminds [me] of a researcher who has a sensor on her computer, which can tell if you're stressed as you're typing away at work." When I followed up with more questions, she couldn't recall details.

I also vaguely remember this being possible. Maybe through a webcam that can tell your facial expressions. Anybody have any leads?

As a half-measure, I bought a heart rate monitor which is effective at telling you when your blood is boiling. While you may not need a monitor to tell you this, I believe in the saying, "if you can measure it, you can control it."

Should I stay near my parents or move away?

mrgreyisyelling — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 10:31:32 -0800

Go to graduate school with Favorite teacher and move away, or go to graduate school with less than favorite teacher and stay close to family? I grew up with alot of tension and conflict in my family, went to school, and really didn't come home. With time, all those family problems died quiet deaths and its been really good. So good, that I recently moved back into the area to be closer to them and my friends. Considering how alienating and painful the years before were, I'm really happy here. I feel at peace.

But, of course, I'm applying to grad school, and all this emotional balance is at risk because teacher #1 is at a school several states away. We have spoken directly, and it seems like a real possibility I could end up getting accepted there. Which both excites me and bums me out.

The school isn't very highly ranked, but the teacher and program itself are quickly getting deserved reputations for the work they are doing. ( ie, shits happening there and people know it )

On the flip side, there is a local school that wouldn't require me to move, that is more highly ranked and has also sent me signs that I have a good chance of getting accepted there. Problem: there isn't a teacher that is really doing research into what I want to study. They seem ok with what I want to do, but no one there is doing it.

I don't really want to choose between my career/passionate personal interest and finally having a real relationship with my family, but it feels like I'm going to be put in that position. Its going to be 5 or 6 years of study, and then I'll be forced to move to a random place to get a job - I'll never have this chance to be with my parents like I do now. But its hard for me to guess how important having this teacher (or climate) will be for my work and how I might mature in the field.

If it matters, its a phd program in sociology.

A Happy Life

beautifulstuff — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 16:21:46 -0800

What are some examples of events that add up to a happy life? I'm planning a montage of shots for a short film that show "happiness" in the life of a woman as she looks back over her eighty years of life, and I'm looking for suggestions.

What would you be able to look back on, from your sunset years, that would allow you to say, "I've had a happy life"?

Simple pleasures like swinging as a child or dancing as a young adult are great. Deep, meaningful events like the birth of children, or making a difference in the world will work just as well, but ideally they could be portrayed with a single shot (holding a newborn for the first time, hauling lumber in a Habitat for Humanity shirt, etc.)

Thanks, in advance, for your ideas!

I'm losing my edge to the kids from France and from London.

Anonymous — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 08:19:12 -0800

It doesn’t matter how many goals I achieve, I never feel good about myself. It’s really beginning to be a real drag. It’s even starting to keep me up at night. I sit up in bed thinking about how much of a loser I am all night long. It’s really insane. How do you feel like a success? I recently turned 30, so I think that’s part of it. I have also had the same dead end job for the last 6 years since I finished college. I thought it was going to lead to something, but it hasn’t and now I feel I have wasted so many opportunities in my 20s and have nothing to show for it. I don’t know how to leave. I am so specialized in this stupid job that I don’t know how to move on. Humanities degree, obviously.

But, you know, it shouldn’t make me feel that bad. Many people smarter than me don’t even have jobs these days. I also have a family and worked all these years at this job to support it. It gave me the flexibility I needed to keep my family going. There were great reasons to stay, including raises and health insurance, but I regret staying so long. Really, really regret it. I was going to leave YEARS ago, but things kept coming up. Health, collapse of economy, little things like that. So I am still here, feeling bad about myself. I compare myself to mythological people from high school, imagining them all rich and happy and in wonderful careers. What the hell? I didn’t care about them then, why am I comparing myself to them now? And I don’t even talk to any of them, so it’s not like I am comparing myself to anything real.

This is the part that just drives me crazy: we are all doing well. My wife and daughter are doing wonderfully. I love my marriage. We have no debt. Finally live in a great apartment. Have money in the bank. I am totally sober. All of these things I worked damn hard to achieve. But I don’t feel like a success. I feel like a total, complete loser. Ashamed all the time of my job, my past decisions. My self-worth is totally shot. Maybe my hedonic treadmill is stuck at a higher setting than most people because objectively I have achieved plenty for my age. Not a lot of 30 year olds are picking out high schools for their kids to go to next year. But, I feel so far behind people my age that had their 20s to actually craft their career.

I am just giving this as a bit of background. I know that I have to quit my job and find a new one. Besides the voice that tells me I will end up at Burger King, I am just worried that once I achieve the goal of a better job, it will just be something else. For a while I hated myself for not being sober. So I got sober. Then I hated myself for being totally broke. So I saved up a sizable amount of money. Then I hated myself for having such a crappy apartment. So I got a great one. I mean, how the hell do I ever feel good about what I have done? It’s this endless struggle and it doesn’t matter what I achieve; I always end up at this place just feeling like a loser.

So, how do you savor your success? How do you feel like a success?

Should we stay or should we go?

hamandcheese — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 18:33:45 -0800

Life choices-filter: What should my wife and I do next? Hi all,

My wife and I are both well-employed and relatively successful mid to late twenty-somethings. We're currently in a mid-size Canadian city, but have aspirations to a lot more travel and work internationally. We'd like that to be soon, but could also pursue some pretty good opportunities here...

My wife works as the education manager at a decent size museum, and loves her work, but is not liking her job. The museum is owned by the government but largely operated by a non-profit society that does all of the fundraising, marketing, volunteer coordination, events, and education programs. Her society is in the midst of a major power struggle with the museum itself and her entire organization may quit or be kicked out before its all over, so she has no job security at all, and the work environement itself has turned into a rumor mongering, us vs. them, hellhole. Things are in arbitration right now, without the possibility for resolution until September (although they keep pushing the dates back, so there is no guarantee).

I work for an engineering company doing editing and graphic design, but find the soulless money-making focus and ridiculous stipulations put on my work by my corporate masters takes all joy and sense of purpose out my job. I want out pretty bad, but have managed to pay 3/4 of my student debt off in the past year, and know that I could get the last $6,500 paid within another 3 months. That would mean we'd be debt free, which of course would be awesome. On the side, I also have my own freelance editing, graphic design and photography business that has been growing fairly well without a whole lot of effort on my part. That said, it's still a pretty small-scale affair, but I feel confident I could do well with it if I had time to throw myself at it. I really enjoy this work because it is for myself and my clients, and because the projects are all very diverse. Photography has become my major passion, and my emotional side is telling me to quit my job tomorrow and throw myself into my own business to see if I can really grow it. I'm pretty sure I could make a go of wedding photography as well, and with all of these diverse things, could make enough of a living to get do reasonably well within a few months, and quite well within 1-2 years.

Now here's the complicated part: we've been talking about going overseas to work since we finished university 1-2 years ago. We don't really care where. If our debt was paid, we could take jo-jobs anywhere we could get work visas (such as British Commonwealth countries), and have a great time. With no debt, we could also look into volunteer opportunities in places like Africa. If we still carry some of this debt, we would probably be better off teaching english as a second language somewhere in Asia, but this would be cool too. I think we'd be happy to do pretty much any of these things.

Soooooo, with all of that as background, here's the dilemma: If my wife's society survives the museum meltdown, her job will be something worth sticking with a while longer. She's quite young to have a position like this and it is a really great opportunity for her if she sticks with museum or interpretation work, or if she gets her teaching degree (long-term goal). If this is the case, and we're going to stay here longer, then my choice would be to quit my job tomorrow (I dislike it that much), debt or no debt, and try to do the work I like doing. But we have no certainty that her job will last, and if I do quit my job to focus on the freelance work, and then she loses hers, we'll be a lot worse off financially than if I stick it out until they resolve it. (but I hate it!)

Should we stick it out, or should we start selling our belongings and looking into work visas?

Should I quit my job? Or would that be stupid? Should I throw myself into my own business, or would that be extra stupid since we plan to leave the country and travel within a year? (I really want to do both!)

Should we go teach english? Or do something else?

I'm not looking for definitive answers; I know we need to answer these questions ourselves. I'd just love some opinions. So lay it on me Mefites. Don't be shy.

Should we stay or should we go?

Help me regain my Joy Of Running

LyzzyBee — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 03:31:38 -0800

Help me regain my love for running! Started a few years ago, did a half marathon last Oct then slacked off over the winter (did a fair bit on cross trainer/ rower though) then I had my orthotic sorted out, got used to walking non-wonkily and started running again. Hooray! I had trained up properly, enjoying getting running again, did over 8 miles on Monday in preparation for the big run yesterday. Then, did the big run. 8.5 miles of hell - it was boiling hot and bright sun, the race started at 11 and I was slow - so, horrible. I know I was sensible, kept hydrated etc etc, actually feel reasonably OK today, just a bit achy. But a) I feel I failed in the race as I ran it last year find (working on that though, the main one is:) b) I really feel I do not want to go out running again. How do I break through this? Note: it's running I want to get back into, I am not interested in swimming, cycling (can't swim well or cycle at all) I like being outside, strong and healthy, running. Anyone got any tips? Dont run at all for a while? Do a little run on Sunday? Do a long run on Sunday? Visualisations I could do? What to do? Oh and I don't want to gain weight again, I will continue with my rower and weights but I want my joy in running back!

I was looking for a job and then I found a job...

orville sash — Tue, 12 May 2009 09:03:25 -0800

What are some jobs (other than teaching) that have summers off? My girlfriend is a librarian at a K-8 school. She gets something like 8 weeks off every summer. I do not.

If we both had that time off, we could spend time elsewhere in the country/world, thereby making life more interesting, exciting, and livable.

The thing is I am not interested in being a teacher or in being a librarian. I am wondering if there are some other jobs that have roughly the same working window as these.

Background:
Bachelor's degree in journalism
Currently putting in my 4th year at an IT company (started as a network admin, have moved more into management)
We live in New York City, and would like to continue doing so.

Thanks.

I'm not trapped. How do I persuade myself of this?

Anonymous — Fri, 08 May 2009 09:09:35 -0800

I am pretty miserable and aware my lifestyle needs to change. I think I have a good sense of what is causing this, and I can list for you the things I want more of in my life but cannot get over some sort of bizarre mental blocks about loosening up and the feeling that if I do it will ruin my and my husband’s lives. How can I cure my addiction to stability and what concrete things do you think I should do to get out of this rut? I am a 32 year old woman, married and living in a large city. I’ve always been what my family calls “a worrier” but my general satisfaction with my life and general energy seem to have spiraled down in the last three to four years and I have an inexplicable constant sense of impending doom following me around. More than one person has seen this in me – I subscribe to “fake it til you make it” and outwardly am quite upbeat - but when you’re told by surprised acquaintances (in the nicest and most tactful of ways) that you’ve put on weight, look tired all the time, are getting snappy and cynical, etc you know it’s not just you.

The short version = Lack of energy/enthusiasm and this constant, panicky feeling that I am trapped and that Bad Things will happen if I change it up have robbed me of my ability to plan a way out of my career and to visualize getting from A to B (the lifestyle I want). I'm genuinely at year 3 or 4 of being paralyzed here. Have you been here? Do you have any suggestions at all?

The long version =

* I feel “owned” by my house, which is in a neighbourhood we love and has many features we enjoy, but requires a fair amount of work and I’m pretty sure we overpaid for it. To be clear, we didn’t buy a massive place and we’re not in a negative equity situation though.
* I feel constantly stressed about money. We have the six months expenses in an emergency fund, live pretty frugally, have no debt but the mortgage and are saving well. But we are quite behind in retirement investments and I always feel that we don’t have enough of a cushion, that disaster is potentially right around the corner.
* I feel pretty down about living so far from my family and home culture. I’m an emigrant and moving home isn’t really an option (it would be culture shock to my husband and probably me at this point, and my native country is not doing well in this economy) but dealing with American vacation times which allow me a couple of weeks at home every year is not enough for me.
* I feel a lot of strain over being the breadwinner in the family. Five years ago we both made more or less the same money. Now I’m out-earning him by over 2 to 1 and have a far more stable and job/career. They value me here and it is a good career in many ways, but I downright hate many aspects of it and am well aware that my misery at the office is carrying over to many/most of the other things that I mention here. I can’t imagine doing this – or even staying in my general “field” – for the next 30 years. But I feel trapped, that I can’t quit because husband could lose his job in a heartbeat, and regardless can’t carry us on his quite-low-for-where-we-live salary.
* I’ve put on a fair amount of weight in the last three or four years, and despite dragging myself to the gym three or four times a week am not shifting it. (I’m not a newbie gymgoer, I know how to powerlift, about the value of intervals and circuits, quite enjoy longer runs, etc). I know some of this is just my getting older, and some is lack of energy, but looking at myself in the mirror is making me sad.
* My social life has disappeared to just about nothing, through a combination of living in a place we have no roots, constant tiredness, unhappiness with my increased weight, and the hours required by my day job.
* My hobbies have disappeared. This actually dates back to my leaving college, but I read a lot, screw around online a lot, and work out and beyond that there isn’t much, which makes me sad.
* And lastly, our weekends are a mess – we are exhausted and either sleep late or crash out early, a lot of the weekend is lost to grocery shopping/bills/chores and touching base with our multitude of family members abroad, and I’m low energy. Hitting the gym for an hour is not helping enormously. However I do feel a lot of stress lifting from me by virtue of not being near work.

Thanks for reading through that if you did. Here’s what I want: More free time – to allow me to have a pet, to allow me spend more time in my home country, to be able to devote consistent and regularly schedule time to my fitness, to relax more. Work that doesn’t cause me to be miserable. More time outdoors. To be fit again. The ability to jump into pastimes I’m interested in – I’d love to learn some racquet sports for example, to draw again, and would like to join a walking club.

You don't have to come to the shindig, ya know

orville sash — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 06:12:25 -0800

We know where we want to get married, but the bride to be's parents don't like our preferred location We live in New York City. The parents live in New Jersey. We met in Northampton, Mass. We were thinking about doing the wedding in Northampton for a number of reasons (nostalgia, beauty, cost, proximity to old friends) but bride's folks are not into the idea, primarily because their extended family all live in NJ. So that means about 20 or so people would have to schlep from Jersey to Massachuetss (about 4-5 hour drive)

My family lives all over the country - Texas, Michigan, California, etc. So the thought of traveling for the wedding doesn't really bother them so much.

Questions:

1.) Should we try to convince them that this is a good idea?
2.) Should we forge ahead and disregard their preference?
3.) Should we suck it up and have the wedding in jersey?

Sex life gone, complications of course, how to improve things?

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 12:27:04 -0800

A common story: after 7 years of marriage, post-partum depression and a now-3 year old kid, sex (and sexiness) is long gone. I (husband) would like it back. I'm trying to be a supportive partner and make things better, but don't seem to be having any impact. She says she cares, but doesn't make efforts to help. Any suggestions? Just to make it clear, I love her, and intend on sticking through this rough patch.

My wife....is not inherently sexy. I find her attractive, but much more so when she puts any effort into her appearance. Normally, and understandably, most days it's sweat pants and a junk t-shirt while she's at home taking care of our kid. Unfortunately, that doesn't change very often or at all. I've expressed that I want to help her so things are less of a drain on her and so we can improve our relationship. So far that means I clean/help out more (I work more than full time) and watch the kid more while she gets time out (which means I haven't had any time out for a very long time myself and also means my wife and I don't increase our time together at all).

I'm having trouble expressing the question in this post. I want things better. I want a sex life. I want a happier wife. I want to be happier. I want my wife and I to be happier together. I want to feel attractive to my wife and want to be more attracted to her (and/or more often attracted to her). How do I accomplish these things?

And to top it all off, (maybe this is a big part of this question) how do I explain all this to her in a way that doesn't make things worse and make her feel bad?

Shining Happy People, Where Art Thou?

mannequito — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 03:30:31 -0800

Looking for advice, suggestions and/or resources on being a more positive person. I'm trying to encourage my gf to be a more positive person. She's always been more of a glass-is-half-empty type, which is fine, but recently her work has had her more stressed than usual, and it's really showing in her outside-work life. I've made the point that work is work, and the worst she can do is let it seep into her free time and ruin that - all of this she agrees with, so I'm wondering what other people do to brighten up their bad days.

So far I've just generally tried to keep her laughing and happy, and offer gentle suggestions such as trying to keep negative words out of her vocabulary and thoughts. What else is out there? Any useful online resources (I'd prefer to avoid cheesy motivational speaker videos but I'll check out anything recommended)? Most importantly, what do you do?

ps - I already read this thread, but it is more from a perspective of how do I deal with being around this negative person, which isn't really my concern here.

Linus Van Pelt and the answer to life

bondcliff — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:02:03 -0800

Help me find the Peanuts cartoon in which Linus says "The way I see it, as soon as a baby is born he should be issued a banjo!" I've actually found it here (the post from JohnGP on 10/29/2008) but it's very poor quality.

There's another strip posted in that thread, with Charlie Brown saying a similar line. That's not the one I'm looking for, but I'll take that if you can find it.

I have all the books, from 1950 up until the currently released one (1971), but for some reason it's eluded me so far.

All the strips are on-line here but a search of "banjo" turns up nothing.

A google book search of "issued a banjo linus" turns up some references to it, but not the strip itself.

According to the thread I linked to, the strip was reprinted in a Pete Seeger book from 1962, so I can only assume it appeared in newspapers before that date. If you can find me the date the strip was published I can then go back to my Peanuts books to dig it up.

I've been learning the banjo recently and when people ask me why I wanted to learn the banjo, that Peanuts strip I read as a kid is the reason. Ever since reading it I've seen the banjo as an instrument that promotes happiness. I'd love to find a copy.

Given AskMe's history of "Help me find..." threads I expect there will be an answer in about six seconds. So thanks in advance, hive mind.

How do I pick a major - work I love, classes I love, or a subject I love?

magraak — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 10:10:45 -0800

How do I pick a major? Work I love, classes I love, or a subject I love? I'm a second semester sophomore at university, and I need to pick a major in roughly two weeks. I don't know what I want to do after I graduate, so the choice is difficult. I'm seriously considering three majors: Ecology and Evolutionary Biology, Psychology, and English. The trouble is, my school doesn't have minors or double majors, and I can think of compelling arguments for and against each of the choices:

Bio:
For: I love the subject. I love being outside, and I love knowing about the plants and animals around me. I was convinced from ages 4-12 that all I wanted to do when I grew up was work in a green house. I used to run experiments in my garden. This is also the most useful of my possible choices, and it has an amazing semester abroad fieldwork program in Panama. And I can imagine wanting to know the material, so I can point out thing to my future grandkids while on family walks/picnics/vacations.

Against: I've taken all the prerequisites, but no classes in the department itself, and I'm worried that I'm not good enough at math/science, or that I'll get bogged down with those parts. (This wasn't an issue when I was younger, but my university is full of people who are actual geniuses - and I don't consider myself one of those people, though I'm generally pretty good at whatever I set my mind to) I don't want to be terrible at my major, and I don't want to start to get bored with my major.

Psych:
For: I find the classes really interesting, and I know I'm good at them. I can also think of several topics I'd be interested in exploring during the mandatory independent work, and a professor has offered to supervise both my junior and senior independent work without prompting.

Against: While I might want to research in this area, I really don't want to have any of the careers that are most heavily associated with this field, except maybe teaching.

English:
For: I love doing the work. The classes and the reading can be either hit or miss, but there's no better feeling than sitting down to write a paper, and realizing I actually have original, valid, important thoughts, and can back them up. I feel proud when I finish.

Against: What do you do with a degree in English? Also, because I haven't taken much in college, it would involve taking about 3 English courses per semester for my remaining time at university, and I'm not sure that I would be happy without enough time to pursue my other (very broad) interests.

So...What do I do?

How did you find love or companionship in spite of anxiety?

Anonymous — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 11:02:02 -0800

What steps did you take to find your partner in spite of social anxiety or severe shyness? This is for the members who consider them to be anywhere from moderately shy to severely social phobic. If you currently are or were in a relationship, how did you meet your SO? What steps did you take to improve your chances of meeting this person. I mean things you did apart from therapy and other self help stuff like getting shape and dressing better and such.

I know the usual advice in reply to questions related to meeting people and finding potential lovers/mates is to "just be yourself" and that "it will happen when you're not looking or least expecting it" and so forth but I don't think it would apply for the majority of those grappling with this issue.

So, did you start with a concrete plan in mind? Did you enlist the help of someone more extroverted? Did moving to a larger city or town make a difference? Or joining any particular organization or activity group. Once you'd encountered that person, did you make the first move? Or were you lucky enough that it occurred the other way around? How did your interactions in the early stages of the relationship play out? Did it all just fall in place because your SO is also just as reserved? In short, how did it happen !?! Any and all specifics that you could share would be very helpful and hopefully instructive.

I'd like to hear from members of both sexes but specially from men since it seems it might have been more of a challenge for them.

I'm working assiduously on my problem but feel that time is running out and with each passing month/year the label of "single, shy 30-something guy" looks even more unattractive and unhelpful. And I fully realize that there isn't any single thing that will work for everyone; I'm just interested in hearing about the experiences of others . My apologizes if this comes across as a bit of a ramble and/or chat filter material.

You can email me at anon.mefi1@gmail.com if you wish to share something in private.

How can we help my elderly grandfather be happier?

harnharn — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 08:58:27 -0800

How can we help my elderly grandfather be happier? A retired Mennonite dairy farmer, my grandpa is not one to indulge activities for their own sake. Productivity has always been his prime value. For most of his life he was happy and productive. Now, post valve-replacement and stomach ulcer surgeries, he’s barely able to walk and he’s too proud to use a walker or a wheelchair, though we’re working on this. He spends most of the day sitting in his overstuffed recliner and driving my (healthy and active) grandma nuts. I suspect he’s depressed, though he’s surprisingly alert and eager when spoken to.

My question: what sort of activities could we set him to that he wouldn’t reject out of hand as frivolous (or feminine – knitting is out)? I’m thinking of something he could do while sitting that would result in a product. His fine motor skills are not great.

P.S. I take it for granted that he may need counseling and (psychological) medication, but his tolerance for these is limited. We may have to work on that too.

"Rocky burst in, and grinning a grin..."

TheSecretDecoderRing — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 02:07:18 -0800

Say cheesy! There are threads discussing tips on how to smile more often, but what happens when you do? For those who aren't innately full of sunshine, have you ever made a concerted, sudden effort to smile as much as possible, and what impact has it had on those around you? Does it lift your own spirits, or wear you out? Do people think you're flirting with them and/or get creeped out? Does it start to feel kind of fake after a while, and actually make you feel kinda empty inside? Just a general query.

If you can only be happy through medication, is it real?

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 18:12:09 -0800

Have you used anti-depressants successfully? How did you deal with the insinuating little voice that said, "You may be feeling better, but it's really just the pills--without them, deep down, you're still a sad/angry/dysfunctional person." I know this is just the depression talking, but it's really bothering me as I gear up for another round.

I wish I could be happy on my own. I would much rather not have to take something to keep from feeling crappy.

So I'm really struggling, like I do every few years this cycle repeats itself, with the idea of depending on something external for something as basic and intrinsic as happiness.

How can I short-circuit this self-defeating thinking pattern?

Are people in therapy happier than people who are not in therapy?

smorange — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 07:01:00 -0800

Are people in therapy happier than people who are not in therapy? I'm not in therapy, have never been in it, and see no need for it in my life. This question arises from my own curiosity.

As for the question itself, let me be clear: I am not asking whether or not therapy "works." I am not asking why people in therapy are, or are not, happier than others--though I suppose I might be interested to see some evidence-based theories and data.

Really, though, I'm only looking for credible data about whether or not, all things other things being equal, people who are in therapy are happier than people who are not in therapy. I'm wondering, also, whether societies with "therapy cultures" (e.g. the West) are happier than societies without (e.g. Asia).

Job Title: Charmed Bridge

divabat — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 22:36:14 -0800

I connect very different groups together, and I also tend to make people famous. Where in the world could I make a living out of this? I've noticed two strong patterns in my life lately:

a) I really enjoy finding connections between two or more things/people/groups that don't necessarily have anything in common. For example, my boyfriend and I are working on a web app where people are presented with two different fields of study (say Biology and Architecture) and they provide an idea for how both fields can be combined (creating buildings structurally based on human beings). I tend to do this as a mental hobby, though I've also used this skill a LOT in idea generating - thinking up different sponsorship avenues, connecting contacts with each other, etc.

b) I've somehow managed to inadvertently make friends famous/well-known/happy thanks to a tip or referral. I got one of my close friends on to Twitter and now she's become a very prominent member of the local Twitter group, even to the point of organising events for them (she's an events geek so this is right up her alley). Other friends have heard about conferences from me and got in (I applied and I didn't get in!!), or earned auditions I referred them for, or developed very close friendships/relationships with other people I've introduced them to. The luck doesn't necessarily extend to me personally, but somehow I've got a knack of making others charmed.

I'd like to do more of the above as a current career path. Where would those skills and abilities be useful?

I love research and I like to meet people (though I can be a bit socially awkward). I thrive in conferences and volunteer excursions; not so much in parties. The only thing I can think of is "talent agent" or "networker", but I'm sure there's more that I'm missing.

How do I get a job at NPR?

orville sash — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 08:08:03 -0800

I'm 29, I'm living comfortably as an IT professional in New York City, but my dream is to work for NPR. I have a bachelor's in journalism and I was the music director at my college radio station...6 years ago. I have no connections, I have been out of radio production since college. What do I do? My first impulse was the to just buy the necessary equipment and start interviewing people to create clips I could use in my cover letter/resume. I bought a Marantz PMD 620, and an electrovoice Re-50 mic, and started contacting the folks I wanted to interview, but no one was particularly interested in being interviewed by a guy who's basically doing it as a hobby, with no immediate intention to find a place for it on the airwaves.

Next, I went to the New York NPR affiliate (WNYC) and asked if they had internships for people outside of college, or if there was any way to do volunteer production work. Again, nothing.

I applied to a couple of production jobs that were posted on the WNYC website, but my lack of experience was apparent on my resume, and I was never called back for an interview.

My next step is to audition for a radio show at WFMU, the community run radio station in Jersey City, so I can get more recent broadcast experience. The earliest opening they have is in April.

Still, I feel like I'm being rebuffed in every direction. This is compounded by the fact that I live in New York City, which ups the ante considerably as far as competition goes. I know that I would excel in this position, and, in spite of a likely steep pay cut, I am sure I would be infinitely happier at work than I am now. Where do I go from here?

Tell me about your experiences with love.

lblair — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 07:45:37 -0800

When it comes to love . . . where's the line between deserving to have certain expectations fulfilled, and having standards that are too high? In particular I'm curious to know if you ever ended a relationship with someone you were in love with, and then went on to fall in love with someone else in a deeper and more enriching way. I've been having a lot of frustration lately with my SO and I'm awfully close to telling him that we need to either break up or at least take a break. Upon searching askmefi I found this thread and was suprised by all the responses. I was expecting to see things along the line of "you deserve to be happy, you'll find someone else," etc. Instead a lot of people are saying things along the line of "it's hard to find something like that, don't break up just yet," etc. So where's the line between compromising, and compromising your own happiness? How much sacrifice is normal? I'm in a similar boat as the OP from that thread- somehow my SO and I managed to fall in love despite being wildly different. but as the newness starts to wear off (we're going on a year) and reality sets in, the differences in our attitudes about life and relationships are starting to make things very difficult. out of many LTRs, this is the first time I have ever felt like I've been in love. but i'm having an extraordinarily hard time seeing how it could work in the long run.

Anyway, my situation is too long and complicated to explain and ask for advice about directly. Rather, I am just interested to hear your experiences with love- were you in love with someone who was totally wrong for you? Did you feel better or worse after you ended it? Did you fall in love again, and was it better? (I'm only 25 so I'd like to think I still have a lot to look forward to!)

For those of you in happy, long term relationships, i am simply curious to know what it is you love about your wife/husband/SO? what do they do for you to make you feel taken care of emotionally? What do you do for them? was this lacking in previous relationships? what makes them different than everyone else was?

How can i be happy and stay happy?

loser8008 — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 18:53:34 -0800

Looking for happiness. Need advice, thoughts on what i am doing wrong, how to get this girl out of my mind. There are many different things going on in my life right now. Things are just making me feel more and more depressed each day. Every day, every week, it’s on and off. Some days are great and I feel on top of the world, other days are just horrible and I can’t think or concentrate on anything and end up crying myself to sleep or changing my mentality that someday in the future I will be happy but not today. And the process goes on and on where in a few days I feel better again but then back to miserable. I am a college student graduating in about 2 years. For instance, When I feel depressed I start to think maybe when I turn 21 I can go out and party, buy alcohol help me upgrade my social status, other days I find myself waiting till I get my student loan so I don’t have to work as much and am able to do something like start a new hobby (I love to work on computers and cars, just don’t have the money to truly experiment, I go pay check to pay check to pay bills). I want to be happy tomorrow (the future) but I want to be happy now, days start to feel more and more like there may never be a tomorrow.

I find a lot of it has something to do with this girl, in that there is this girl I’ve liked for a few years, the girl of my dreams type of girl. Long story short I’ve liked for a long time she has a boyfriend, and even if her boyfriend breaks up with her (which they currently are apart) there is nothing I can really do as I live over an hour drive away. I’ve pretty much have learned, forced myself to forget about it. I find that I really don’t need a girlfriend right now that she is probably not the one for me and if she is well it will happen somehow. The only thing is time and time again as I get depressed, as I start to think about anything it starts to pop into my head and irritate the crap out of me making me dig deeper into depression. I find that this happens whenever I think. I find that this happens as I really have no good friends. No one to hang out with, no one to really talk to. I know tons of people, coworkers, classmates, old friends. But time and time again I find myself alone, just thinking as there is nothing else for me to do. I find that the cause was I missed out on so much, not having a car first 2 years of college, working nights every weekend when there was a party I was invited to. Slowly the invitations disappeared and I just became no one really it’s like I’m there, but everything would go on perfectly without me, like my existence is meaningless. it seems like that for everything even with my family at times, luckily family turns out to be one thing that sometimes brings me out it.

With all this I have been working toward self improvement, fixing my health as it can be DRASTICALLY improved, working on my style (the way I present myself to the world), learning to let me thoughts out. It has helped me and it makes me feel better, but I’m still waiting for the future, that one girl still pops into my mind as she is the only real since of hope I can think of that somehow makes me everything seem like it could be amazing in life and yet I get the after effects of the worst feelings in the world and destroys all that hard work I go through for a day or so. I want to meet new people good people, create some kind of real social life. I just find it hard to do in this college environment, where majority of people just wish to get drunk and wasted every single day, where just about everyone I see has their parents paying for everything while I must work whenever I can get the chance to. Would like to meet good people. I mean I am living with 3 roommates, who have known each other since elementary school, and yet they don’t spend one minute wanting to get to anything about me, they are nice people and we have interacted a bit but aside from that what can I really do. I am a shy person, not quiet just shy, takes a little bit to get out of my shell but when I do I am fine. I would try things like volunteering, to make myself feel better but really don’t have the time this semester (literally 7am to 11 pm, 3 days a week with school and work). I wish there could be a quick solution but I know it’s not easy. Just want to find what’s missing? A way to make new friends, and stop going back to the one sense of real hope (that girl).