Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with guilt

Guilt and anxiety about declining dates and relationships

Chrysalis — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 16:07:09 -0800

Help me overcome my fear of rejection - the catch - it's a fear of rejecting other people Any time I have to turn someone down I become horribly anxious and terrified of hurting them and how they might react. This means that sometimes I avoid giving people a chance because I'm scared of having to break things off, and sometimes just going along with things cos I feel guilty to say no - which is even worse. I started dating for a bit but any time I had to break things off I'd feel so awful it just wasn't worth the fun parts. I've been trying to limit my involvement to people unlikely to form an attachment to me (because of this and the fact that I'm totally emotionally unavailable after a horrible relationship) but this weekend I drank too much and went home with a friend who I thought would leave it at that, but now I realise I missed lots of signs that he actually has feelings for me. I think I had some feelings for him but wasn't planning on doing anything about them. Now I feel like I accidentally used/misled him and I feel physically sick, my sleep is messed up etc. We are supposed to go out to dinner tomorrow but I don't think it's going to be like our normal catch-ups. I've been anxious all week and need to talk to him today. How can I gently explain that I wanted to do it at thetime but don't want to take it any further? He's been so good to me and I'm scared he's going to hate me and be upset and not want to be my friend. And in general, how can I stop being so terrified of disappointing people?

Can I forgive myself for leaving my dying mother's side?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:40:57 -0800

My mother is dying. How can I forgive myself for the guilt of leaving her bedside? She was moved to hospice a week ago and at the time, was given "2-10 days" from two different doctors. I stayed with her for a week and then flew back home. Part of the reason I flew back is because I have a toddler and part of the reason is that it was extremely distressing for me. She has pneumonia, in addition to complications from several small strokes and the underlying issue is non-small cell lung cancer that metastasized to her bones. Her dying process is anything but "peaceful" - the noises, smells and deterioration of her body was making me physically ill. I had some "quiet time" with her to say my goodbyes and try to let her know it was time for her to be at peace (like everyone told me she might need to hear), but as time wore on, I couldn't stomach it anymore. I feel like I would be altered forever if I continued to witness this. However, I also feel extremely guilty for "abandoning" her during her last days. Well-meaning family and friends have told me it's "ok" and that it's a personal choice, etc. I switch between being comfortable with my decision to thinking she is "hanging on" because I'm not physically present with her.

More background: my mom was diagnosed last Christmas and immediately made legal documents putting me in charge. She went through treatment up to a few days before she fell and was admitted to a hospital. After a month, she was moved to hospice once we finally realized she was dying. This last step has been a blow to us because she was so "normal" up until her fall, so although we knew we would eventually be in this place, we didn't expect it NOW (who does, right?). I am the youngest of 3 kids, but she is mostly estranged from the other 2, plus my mom and I have always had a very close relationship, although we live 2000 miles away from each other. I have made 6-8 trips to see her this year and during her hospital stay, was there for more than half that time.

The problem I have is that I hear so many people say that there is "no way" they would leave their mother's side on her deathbed and I thought I would be the same way, but I just lost it and instead of extending my flight, came home instead. I feel like I am justifying coming back, even though nobody is judging me! I have contemplated flying back to her, just so I can be there ... but in reality, I'm torn. I want to be there, but I don't want to see/hear her death.

Please ... help me figure out a way to comes to terms with my guilt.

I can't live up to my image of me.

wild like kudzu — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 16:48:16 -0800

My guilt is getting a little out of control, but my issue is that I don't know whether or not it is justified. Looking for advice from those prone to worrying. So, I worry about everything. I worry about my life, my career, my schooling, my roommate, my car, my psyche, my family, my friends, friends of my friends... Jeez. You name it, I could sit down and list a few concerns of my own.

It's getting sort of obnoxious. Hung over as I was today, I decided to stay in and do work on my couch all day. Nursing my headache and watching movies all day meant I didn't go outside at all. Not even once. This triggers feelings of "missing out"-- that I'm not really fully living life up to its potential if I'm spending whole days inside. I usually only do that when I am seriously, legitimately sick.

On a daily basis I feel guilt for my tv-consumption, eating habits, procrastination, recreational activities... I know I am a perfectionist, and I tend to overestimate my abilities within certain time frames and parameters. I know much of it is irrational, but just knowing that I shouldn't be worried does not prevent me from thinking about it and beating myself up about any number of things.

On a cognitive level I know that no one is perfect, and I shouldn't expect myself to be able to live up to my every expectation, especially considering that I think my goals are not always realistic.

If I am not 100% perfect in my interactions with everyone in my life, if I don't stick to my guns, if I let slide some bad habit I am attempting to curb, I will spend literally hours concerning myself with every aspect of the faulty aspect of my life. It is consuming, distracting and does not let me relax, like ever.

Anybody have experiences like this? Anybody ever convince their brains to relax? Thanks in advance.

Long-Distance Friendship for Introverts

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 11:49:20 -0800

Introvert Filter: please help me revive a friendship! I have lost contact with an old friend, for no particularly good reason--I like this friend a lot, but I just never got motivated enough to call or write. My friend sent a couple emails, and I didn't reply to them. I kept meaning to write back, but I never got around to it, and now several months have gone by and I feel really guilty about it. It's especially hard for me to write back now because of the guilt, and because I don't know how to explain why I didn't write back before. This has gone on for several months and is only getting worse.

I feel like it takes a huge amount of energy to stay in contact with people, even when I like them. The longer I wait to reply, the harder it gets, until it seems nearly impossible. Yes, I know this is beyond normal behavior even for an introvert and procrastinator, but I don't think I can explain it any better. (If it helps, I'm a little like the author of this question, but she might not make sense either.)

Another factor to consider is that even when I manage to overcome my inertia and talk to one of my far-away friends, I don't necessarily manage to do it for another. This is just because I find it easier to keep in touch with some people than with others, and because some are more understanding than others of my not communicating (which has never gotten this bad before).

(TL;DR details: I was recently visited by another friend that I do talk to, who had stopped by friend #1's workplace. Friend #1 wondered what had happened to me, and Friend #2 felt awkward for having been in contact with me when I was ignoring Friend #1. I also feel awkward about emailing Friend #1 and claiming my behavior was nothing personal, when in fact I wasn't ignoring other people.)

I really want to email my friend. Unless my friend is extremely angry at me, which I doubt, it's worth whatever unpleasantness I'll have to endure; I just want to minimize that unpleasantness as much as I can. (I already know it's my fault and I deserve it, so please don't rub it in.) What should I say? Should I try to be honest even though it won't make sense? Should I lie? (I think there are times when a white lie really is better than the truth, but what lie would work here?) If your friend emailed you after a long disappearance, what could (s)he say that would minimize your negative reaction?

One final note: please do NOT say things like "just say what you said here, because anyone who's REALLY your friend will understand." Real people aren't perfect like this, and I'm not sure I'd even want friends who are endlessly forgiving.) Thanks for reading!

How to avoid making a bad situation even worse

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:47:56 -0800

How do I navigate this situation without tears or fist-fights? Three years ago I deeply upset a friend. I started dating her ex-boyfriend, who was also father to her two-year-old twin boys. They had been apart about six months before we got together. Initially, before he and I were officially together, I lied a couple of times about our sexual relations to spare my friend's feelings. When we decided to 'come out' as an item I told her at once. It did not go well - tears, threats of violence. I haven't seen her since. For the record, I have never done anything like this before, nor am I likely to again. I have learned a lot and grown a lot.

The relationship lasted a year, then fell apart on pretty acrimonious terms. He and I are no longer speaking, FWIW

So, big mess. The thing is, all of us have mutual friends. I have asked them not to feel they have to tiptoe around the situation. It is getting increasingly likely that I will bump into my former friend at a party, or wedding, or similar.

The question is - when this happens how should I behave? Should I pretend nothing happened? (this seems callous and weird). Should I apologize? (seems too little too late at this point). We are all in our late-20s, so supposedly grown-ups. What’s the right thing to do? I feel massively guilty I upset my friend, I miss her friendship, I’m nervous about seeing her, but I don’t feel guilty about the relationship. Our feelings were real, if ill-advised.

All advice gratefully received. I'd appreciate specifics on what to say and how to behave.

Tripping on Calvinist guilt

brambory — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 00:49:39 -0800

Help me stop myself from turning into my dad: how do I manage daily guilt? What resources (books/websites/techniques) have you or someone you know used to manage guilt?

Some clarification:
I was raised in the grand Calvinist tradition where guilt was the oil that kept the machine in motion. My dad is a very guilt-ridden person (he still feels horrible about inviting himself to his neighbours' BBQ when he was 10), and I suspect that either nature or nurture (probably both) have passed this tradition of guilt on to me.

I had horrible stomach aches as a I child, mostly due to guilt about something that I had done/not done properly. These stomach aches and various gastro problems have followed me into adulthood. I recently took a 'work personality' questionnaire, which reported that my dominant personality characteristic was basically guilt and anxiousness. (In my defense, there were other strong characteristics too--just this one was the strongest). I've noticed that guilt is definitely present in my home life and relationships as well, and suspect both work and domestic life would be more enjoyable without it.

The type of guilt I'm talking about is the everyday 'perfectionist has failed' guilt--emails not replied to (guilt level: 2), typographical error (mine) in report boss presented to clients (guilt level: 3), completely forgot to be at home when someone was supposed to drop by (guilt level: 9).

I have a job I mostly enjoy, a great circle of friends, and a fantastic partner. I am generally happy and satisfied with my life (just not, it seems, with myself).

***I will be seeing a therapist in a few weeks for the first time. For now, I want to get a better idea of what my issues are and how I think I could manage them more effectively.***

Girlfriend emotionally damaged by previous relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 10:16:37 -0800

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for a couple of years now. We love each other, and have a lot of fun doing things (even hard work) together. When it comes to sex, though, she seems to have inherited a lot of hangups from a previous, long-term relationship. Her previous mate was apparently obsessed with getting her off, and would insist on performing oral sex on her for ridiculous lengths of time rather than admit defeat. She can make herself cum pretty readily using her fingers, and I've been able to do it the same way once or twice, but she always seems to get upset when I do. She always thanks me fairly formally for getting her off, and often has tears in her eyes. I love going down on her, but it seems to do nothing much for her; in fact, sometimes I look up and find that she's been crying quietly while I was doing it.

I've read books devoted to the subject and tried a lot of things, so I don't think it's my technique. I love looking at/stroking/licking her body (especially her pussy) but it just seems to embarrass her. She seems to think her pussy is "dirty" (it's not - it's always just tasted/smelled/looked like clean skin) or that it's demeaning for me to do it (because she pees through there? She won't say.) She gets teary-eyed whenever I try to talk to her about it, too. Even when she makes herself cum, she doesn't make any sound, and she has to be lying on her back with her legs together. I suspect that she used to have to pleasure herself secretly in her old relationship, since her partner didn't approve of her masturbating if he couldn't get her off, and that's why she has taught herself not to move or make a sound when she gets off. She seems to enjoy being penetrated, but can't get off that way either, and rarely makes any sounds or moves during the process. I care very much for her, and I want her to be happy. I'd like to beat the person who taught her to be ashamed of her body and of enjoying sex. She probably should see a therapist, but every time I bring it up, I get more tears and denials that there's any problem. I understand that you can't "make" someone happy, but I love her dearly and I'd appreciate any suggestions anyone can offer who has had experience in this area. Thanks.

When do you tell someone you've got oral herpes?

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 20:16:24 -0800

When do you tell someone you have HSV1? So I used to think this was an easy question and now I’m not really sure.

Basically about four years ago I got diagnosed with oral herpes, HSV1. I’d never had a symptom. Never had one fever blister. Nothing. But a partner said she’d tested positive for oral herpes and that I needed to get tested. I’d been tested six months prior (I have great coverage and get tested for everything every twice a year) and had nothing. Now I was positive for it and I went to a specialist.

So for the next two months I went to an immunologist who had me on valtrex because he was having a hard time telling whether I was also positive for HSV2 or whether it was just a cross reactive thing. At the end of two months they figured that something else I was on was interfering with the test. They took me off and there was no more cross reactivity. I was positive for HSV1 but not HSV2. I asked if this meant I should change the dosage on the valtrex.

The doc said that I should stop taking it.

My specialist said with HSV1 it was no big deal and not worth the prescription. I went to my GP for a second opinion. Is this something you disclose to a partner? His opinion was even more cavalier than the immunologist. More people have it than don’t. It’s no big deal. His only admonitions were about condom use.

So I went about my life. I dated. I had a few relationships. And at some point I ended up with a girl who was a virgin (and for what it’s worth, it was something I didn’t know about till afterwards). We had regular sex with condoms and I performed oral sex on her without any protection

I’m pretty sure you can see where this is going.

Eight months down the road she’s sick for a week. She doesn’t call me. And when she finally comes over she says “you gave me herpes.”

Apparently she got it when I was shedding the virus and didn’t know it. And going down on her did an oral to genital transmission. I was her very first sex partner and I’d basically scarred her for life. We broke up and it shook me for a while. It shook me pretty hard.

I only really started not feeling guilty everyday when I saw on facebook a few months back that she’s happy in a relationship now and seems to be doing okay.

But immediately after, I ended up going back to an ex who I knew had HSV1 and I think I stayed with her for the next six months as a default position just to not have to face dating other people and trying to figure out how to deal with this. Unfortunately we were just as wrong for each other the second time and broke up again. And now, after a respectable distance, I’m ready to date again.

Only I’m not sure what the protocol is here. When is a good time to tell someone this? After the first date? Before the first kiss? Before sex? Do I stop performing oral sex? Am I overreacting? I don’t know how to go forward her and I’d like some advice.

I've made a huge mistake.

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 13:36:07 -0800

How do I stop feeling so guilty? I can't think about anything else, it is consuming me completely. I made a mistake and did not take responsibility for it. Now I'm making myself sick over it, not just that I'm going to be 'found out' (there is an investigation by my boss over what happened), but plain old guilt for what I did, and what I didn't do (be honest about it).

It feels too late to own up to my mistake now, and if I did, I might just lose my job. I'm sure they can't prove I did what I did (it was an accident and there is no concrete evidence), but I can't stop worrying and hating myself.

Do I suck it up and do the right thing? Or...how do I just distract myself so I can stop thinking about it for at least 5 seconds?

How can I deal with my acute feelings of shame?

Anonymous — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 14:45:14 -0800

I feel intense, acute, brief episodes of shame every day, several times a day. What can I do about them? The frequency varies, but the few times I attempted to count, I got an average of about 5-10 such episodes per day. These are unbidden, intrusive thoughts, and very, very intense: say, 8/10. I've been diagnosed with GAD and social anxiety disorder, and these episodes almost always center around real or imagined social and/or moral transgressions. Some of them are staggeringly minor, when compared to the amount of distress they cause me. They are minor social gaffes that I committed years ago, things that I'm positive no one but me remembers: For example, introducing two people who happened to already know each other. Thinking about my more severe regrets and mistakes also triggers this shame reaction, though. It only occurred to me in the past few years that this might be unusual - it's been happening to me for as long as I can remember.

I am in therapy, and I have brought this up to my doctor, who suggested briefly that such repetitive, intrusive thoughts may be symptomatic of OCD. We have not talked about it at length, mostly because I find the idea of recounting these episodes that cause my feelings of shame to be ... shameful. I have no behavioral compulsions (hand-washing, turning off the stove, etc), except for a habit of repeatedly checking to make sure I haven't lost anything, even when I just already checked, when I'm outside my house. It doesn't really interfere with my life, though: I still go out, and it doesn't cause me much distress.

What can I do about this? I've flirted with vipassana meditation, but I generally found it made my anxiety worse. My usual reaction to these episodes is to try to push them out of my mind, but I've seen some recent research on thought suppression that suggests that's actually quite counter-productive. I don't know how to overcome that strong "stop thinking about this now" reaction when confronted with such intense, negative feelings. Is there something else I can try? Have you experienced this?

Enough about me, what about you?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 09:49:43 -0800

How can I stop feeling bad for myself when something good happens to one of my friends? Today one of my friends had something extraordinary happen to him, something that is best defined as "crazy good", and I am proud of him, know he put lots of hard work into it, etc.

But this also brought up the green monster in me. This happens a lot, I have trouble being genuinely happy for other people because I was raised to be very competitive, and to always fight to be the best. So while great things happen to total strangers on a daily basis, when something good happens to a friend (be it an award, a promotion, a huge cash bonus, etc.) I can't help but feel jealous.

The closer someone's success is to my own life (they work in the same field, they achieve something I'd wanted to, they make money) it is even worse.

I'm wondering how to get past the "me" part of all this so I can just genuinely celebrate the success of those close to me.

How do I deal with being the brother of an angry virgin?

Anonymous — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 13:28:07 -0800

Please help me figure out how to deal with being close to a musical genius brother whose inability to get laid has led to outbursts that are traumatizing my parents and me. Every Saturday night or so, my dear old dad picks up the phone and it's his son, Eddie. Eddie is frustrated and ranting because he's a virgin in his late 20s, and his odd social ways are not getting him any lovin'. Eddie is also a musical genius who loves funk-jazz fusion artists, and when there's a piano for him to commandeer at a party, people's heads will turn to find this unassuming little guy pounding out this abstract blues that is like something from outer space, and I mean that in a good way. But because of Eddie's obsessive artistic purity, rather than using music to meet women, he coops himself up, devoting most of his hermitude to writing mid-1980s-style video game soundtracks that are only appreciated by a small, retro-obsessed Internet community of, like, people in Sweden whose preferred operating system is Amiga Workbench.

It has gotten to where I want to either pay some nice sex worker in downtown San Francisco to seduce him, or forcibly become his manager and make him come up with a live act to meet women, so that he will stop making my poor mom suffer with his piteous and unnecessary cries of loneliness. Dad's tough; mom has really been through it over this.

For years, Eddie has indicated interest in the live music plan, but has been maddeningly passive about doing this or anything to change his life. He is active, however, in wrenching pity out of my mom over his hundred-percent rejection rate by women. It has gone on for years and I am trying to build a healthy wall of separation between his feelings and mine while trying to see if there is anything I can do to help. Being a less close-knit family isn't an option; we pulled together to make sure Eddie got through childhood problems that another kid might never have survived. Though on the other hand I could really use some distance, because in the fall I start law school, and cannot be around any more emotional outbursts like this.

The point is that it has also given me severe guilt issues. I knew they had gone too far when I woke up my summer fling at 6 a.m., weeping about my brother, and she was understandably like WTF?

I have this crazy belief that my brother needs to "catch up" with my (very modest for my age) dating accomplishments. I'm afraid of his being jealous of me and somehow I have this sense that the universe is wrong for letting me sleep with people every now and then while my brother, unless he changes his ways, seems headed for a future of being like Billy Bob Thornton's 45-year-old manchild in "A Simple Plan"--remember the part where he talks about never having kissed a girl?

I have a really hard time watching this happen, and I'm angry at the world for the unfair distribution of rewards. Eddie has had some modest dating accomplishments lately, and I try to concentrate on those, but last week I found out he is being treated for severe panic attacks where he thinks he is going to die all the time, and it just makes me so upset. Right when you think something will go OK for him, he will post some annoying Facebook message about being alone and rejected.

Has anyone ever had to deal with anything like this sibling guilt, and what did you do about it? I know some people will identify a certain level of "Dead Ringers"-level "codependence" insanity here ("We have to get in sync!"), and there may be truth to that. But I can't just disappear from my brother's life when we are best friends and I've been almost like another parent. Do I just need to see a shrink or what?

I'm disgusted by what turns me on. Please help.

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 08:25:04 -0800

It seems like the only thing that can get me off is extremely unpleasant written erotica (details inside, to keep the front page clean). Do I have a problem? Should I see a therapist? Background info that might be relevant: I'm female, North American, raised Catholic but not at all religious, 20, and I've never had a sexual or romantic relationship of any kind. Hell, I've never even been kissed. I'm pretty sure I'm straight, but the jury is out on whether I'm asexual (I've never really felt sexually attracted to someone else, but I figure I haven't had enough experience to be sure).

I discovered masturbation a few years ago. Porn does nothing for me; I only seem to orgasm from written erotica, of the sort that can be found at the alt.sex.stories text repository and other places on the net. The problem is, the vanilla stuff is no good either. What turns me on is really horrifying and taboo content - we're talking rape, torture, pedophilia, sometimes all three at once. If I try to keep reading afterwards, or by the light of day, I'm disgusted with myself because of how vile it is, and sometimes I tell myself "never again!" but I usually manage to convince myself to rescind that in a few days or weeks. So - is this something I need to get help for? If so, is it because I shouldn't feel so guilty about things, or because I'm a despicable human being to be having this fetish in the first place?

On the one hand, I tell myself that it is only written erotica. There is definitely no one getting hurt (if I watched porn, I might be less fully convinced, but I don't so it's moot). On the other hand, if things like this and this are happening - and I read more than enough "people who like this stuff make me sick" comments on those threads - then surely people are seeing some sort of inherent wrong in material of this sort. I know that I would never rape or hurt someone - the idea of even, say, slapping someone in anger turns my stomach - but even disregarding my personal qualms, I only read male-on-female stuff and being female makes it kind of impossible to act out that scenario as an aggressor.

If this is something only confined to the dark hours of the night in my bedroom, is it still wrong? If it is wrong, can I really do anything about it aside from hate myself? I think it's been around forever (though I didn't think of it as a sexual thing until recently), since I remember reading a rape scene in a (crappy sequel to) Dune book when I was pretty young and it caught my attention in a way other sex scenes hadn't. Can something that hardwired really be ripped out, and will I have anything left after? Would I accomplish as much by just giving up ever masturbating at all?

Anyways, I'm sorry for being a bit disjointed and rambly, and very sorry if I've offended or disturbed anyone reading this. I'm confused and ashamed and would rather not see a therapist, since I'm far from wealthy, but if there's nothing else to be done I suppose I will have to take the plunge. If you're uncomfortable answering here, I have a throwaway account at : sickorjustsick@gmail.com. Thank you very much, anyone who answers; I really, really appreciate any counsel your wiser heads have to offer.

How do I have casual sex without post-breakup guilt?

Anonymous — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 13:38:55 -0800

How can I have casual/rebound sex without post-breakup guilt? So, a little over a month ago, my SO of 4 years dumped me for another girl ("She's just a friend! I swear!"). We were living together, and this came as a complete surprise to me, as things seemed to be going swimmingly, and we were very vocal about our love/like/satisfaction with each other and our life together. After a mere three weeks of dating her, he is basically living at her house, making unrealistic commitments to her, acting as though our relationship essentially never happened, and I am the Crazy Evil Ex from years ago, while I'm still trying to recover from the initial shock. Needless to say, I am hurt, confused, and broken, but I'm trying to stay positive and move forward in a healthy way. I'm doing my due diligence in regards to reading all the relevant BreakupFilter AskMes and heeding their advice. I'm getting out there, dancing, drinking, having fun, reconnecting with old pals, reading, writing tons, drawing, watching all my favorite movies, and trying to re-discover how awesome I am. I have some bad days, but I generally feel like I'm doing really well.

As part of my recovery process, I'm trying to get laid. I'm finding all these boys crawling out of the woodwork, saying that they've been waiting for me to be single for a long time, and they're stoked that they now have the chance to make their move; no one is more surprised by this development than me, as Mr. Gone basically trashed my self esteem, and left me feeling ugly, fat, stupid, gross, and completely unlikely to ever find anyone again.

The simple fact that these dudes are expressing interest is already doing tons to improve my self-image, but as much as I want to bang these boys, I can't help feeling like I'm cheating on Him, and it's killing my libido mid-makeout. I hooked up with an old friend who stated his years-long desire to start something with me; this is someone who I really like, am attracted to, trust, and who would make an excellent rebound pal. Not only was I not turned on by what should have been a most awesome evening of dirtiness (I was reduced to saying "Lets just cuddle!"), but now I feel extreme guilt for even thinking of going-all-the-way with someone else. Obviously this is silly, as Mr. Gone is very with someone else, having tons of excellent sex himself, and I know that he ain't coming back...but still... It just feels so wrong!

(This was my first LTR, first cohabitation, first real heartbreak, and the lack of relevant dumpee experience is annoying.)

So: This is normal, right? Is it just too soon for me to be out and about in this way? How long did it take you guys to get to the point of being cool with being with someone else, even casually?

It twarn't me!

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:35:57 -0800

I started a new job a couple months ago at a small company, and since then, there has been some theft of company property. A computer was stolen, some HDMI cables, and a phone. Everyone seems to agree that it was either a current or former employee, since our office requires three different keys and a security code to get in. Because the thefts happened since I was hired (and to my knowledge, there were no such incidents prior to my arrival), I can't help but feel like I'm the prime suspect, and I'm suffering some moderate paranoia because of it. Compounding this is the fact that I'm pretty shy and I think this sometimes comes off as stand-offishness, and I worry that this makes me seem shifty, or at least less trustworthy.

I'm hoping that the security-code thing has some type of log that will prove that I wasn't there during the time the stuff was stolen. But until then, should I just try to relax and feel secure in the knowledge that I didn't steal the stuff? Or should I take some action to head off further suspicion?

How do I handle my parents who only possibly mean well?

pinksoftsoap — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 17:24:26 -0800

My parents cleaned my apartment when I was away - and went through EVERYTHING - how should I feel? I went away for a long trip and asked my parents to stop by my recently moved-in apartment twice a day (they live two blocks away) to feed my rabbits. When I left, the room they needed to access was in order but the rest of the apartment had not yet been unpacked. I come back to a completely UNPACKED apartment with all my things in some place or another. They also took all of my clothes and linens back to their house and washed them. I have strong mixed emotions. My initial reaction was extreme horror. I felt like my privacy was violated to an extreme. I called my dad upset with him which in turn hurt him deeply because he and my mother thought they were helping. He dropped off my bed linens and took back his things - apparently they had brought over cleaning supplies and tools to fix up the place as well. I felt guilty and selfish, called back and apologized in tears. Things are now awkward. How should I feel and what do I do?

I have never been super close to my parents and I don't share with them many things. This has often been a source of distress for them in the past. My mother also is, and I write this objectively, blatantly nosy. If I kept a diary when I was younger and she came across it, she would read it without any qualms and defend her right for doing so. This is why I also feel as if the cleaning may have started as an excuse to find out about my life. They did not find a body in my closet but there were definitely things that I would have preferred them not to know (which they now probably do).

Am I wrong to feel upset? Am I being irrational or at least, overreacting? Should the fact that they, for the most part, possibly meant well in doing all they did supersede the fact that they went through all my possessions, and in essence, my entire life? How do I make amends while letting them know how I feel? And, for myself, how do I deal with the guilt of hurting my parents as well as deal with the fact that my whole personal life was up for their display?

Thank you.

Personal finance and personal guilt

Anonymous — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 16:45:44 -0800

Please give advice on dealing with money and guilt about money. [Long question.] How can I learn to feel less guilty about financial decisions, trust my judgment about money, and have faith that I can support myself?

There is some evidence that I am pretty financially responsible. (I am going to give some details here, so you can judge for yourself.) I am currently in my 30s. In 2000 when I finished school my net worth was about -$20,000 from school debt. Now my net worth is just over $200,000. My first job out of school paid about $30k per year; I have worked my way up and now earn about $90k. I worked hard to be frugal and saved $10,000 my first year working. I have good job security. I follow most recommendations for good finances. I max out my 401(k) and Roth IRA, and save some extra outside of that, in good investments that I understand (mostly low-cost index mutual funds). I have an emergency fund. I have a house (an affordable one, with a 30-year fixed rate mortgage). My mortgage is my only debt. I have good insurance, including for the house, car, health care, death, and disability. My accountant says I'm doing well. I'm generous with friends. I give money to charity; currently about 2% of my take-home pay but I'm working on increasing that.

Despite this I feel very insecure about handling my money. I frequently read news, posts, and questions here and on other sites about people with debt spiraling out of control, going into foreclosure, being unable to control their spending, etc. I overidentify with these stories and am convinced this will be me any day. This is in part because my family was financially irresponsible and unstable, and I fear being back in that environment. There are several practical consequences of this mindset: I worry too much about money. I feel very guilty whenever I buy something indulgent for myself, like I am bringing on financial ruin. I think, for example, I have too few nice clothes I can wear to work, because buying nice things makes me feel guilty. I can afford to let go of some of my frugal habits, but I feel guilty when I do. It's hard for me to let myself go out to eat. I haven't really decorated my house because I don't think I deserve to replace the 15-year old ratty couch. Recently I did bring myself to buy a unique, well-designed, durable, and comfortable chair that cost $3,000 - but only after I saved up for it and agonized about it for a year. I love it and will use it for years, but I still worry it was a wasteful decision. And so on.

I also think it's a waste of my time that I spend so much time reading tales of financial doom and imagining it is happening to me. The simple answer would be "just stop doing it", but that's hard. Almost every month I use an online calculator to forecast how much money I will have in retirement, and it always says I am on track to have enough money. Yet I still feel anxious about it.

I know that you think I should see a therapist; trust me, I already have one. I'm looking for other suggestions that are outside the therapeutic paradigm, if that makes any sense. Often mefites have great, creative suggestions and approaches that I never would have thought of - that's what I'm hoping for here. For example, just getting random strangers' take on my financial situation (do I seem financially responsible? will I go bankrupt like my parents did?) could help.

This related post was helpful, but more insight would be appreciated.

Giving back to directors who need it?

aschwa5 — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 01:50:10 -0800

I often download documentaries, and generally love them, and frequently feel like I want to give back to the director. Monetarily-wise, that is, as perhaps I didn't pay for them. What do you think of a service that allowed for paypal or such donation to individual directors? Could it work? Alternately, directors of small films could set up a link on their websites, and one could spread the idea memetically. I'm not looking to cash in on this, just to get feedback on an idea of how to assuage my guilt and help support those who make films worthy of support.

How do you break up and move out?

inging — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 10:55:05 -0800

I've never initiated a breakup before last night. We live together. What do we do? Last night, I told him I want to break up. We've been together for about a year and a half. We've lived together for nearly a year. (I know, it was really fast.) He is a wonderful person. I love him very much, but over the course of our relationship, I've realized that I am not interested in being in a relationship -- not just with him, but any romantic relationship. The love I have for him has evolved from romantic into close friendship.

He does not feel the same. He's angry and hurt and heartbroken. He feels I'm giving up on him and on the relationship without trying. I've tried to express in a non-supremely-hurtful way that it's not that I'm giving up, it's that I've realized that I want something different. I want alone time. I don't know that he understands this desire of mine -- either because he doesn't want to hear it, or I'm not expressing it well.

I don't generally communicate well in this relationship. I tend to bottle up and then blurt out. I tried hard last night to be calm and complete when describing my feelings. He expressed hurt that I'd been keeping these feelings from him, which I understand but can't change.

Our lease is up in August. Two months ago, I brought up the idea of living in separate apartments when the lease was up. He reacted in much the same way to that conversation, with hurt and confusion. When I brought it up then, I was hoping that by having my own space again, it would help me refocus on the relationship, see it from a different angle, and work to be happier in it. These past couple months I've realized that what I'm truly feeling is a desire to just be alone for awhile.

I'm confident that I'm making the right choice for me. I feel guilty and bad that by pursuing my needs and desires, I am hurting him. I understand that that's a part of being the one who initiates the breakup. I don't expect for him to be happy, or forgive me, or even really fully understand right now.

But I'm at a loss when it comes to the details. How do we move forward from here? He has very little in the way of savings, and is in a transition point in his career (he has a day job, but is pursuing freelance work to branch out and follow his true career goals -- which are accomplishable and within his reach, but not a concrete, dependable paycheck yet). I'm fairly stable financially, but not with any abundance of savings.

I can afford this apartment on my own, if I have to. He can't. The city we live in is 'my' city -- he moved here from about two hours away when we decided to live together. In hindsight, a poor decision on both our parts. I don't know if he'll want to stay in this city when we are not in a romantic relationship. I don't know if he's interested in moving back to his old city, or trying something completely new. I know he is reluctant to move at all, since moving is expensive and tiring and he'll need to buy the things he doesn't have (the bed is mine, though I feel like I should just give it to him, if it's going to cause him stress/financial strain to get his own bed).

To complicate matters, I work from home. I'm here all the time. It's a two bedroom place, but one is our bedroom and the other is my office. I'm of course willing to change this setup, but how? Do I just move my pillow into my office? Should I try to be out of the house and working in a coffeeshop when he's here, so he can have time to himself?

I'm traveling a bit for work this summer. I leave Saturday for a ten day trip out of the country. I'm hoping that during this time he'll be able to process and think and cry and do the things he needs to do to help him begin to move on. I'll be gone again for ten days in July.

I guess what I'd like is help in understanding how to best behave in the coming days and weeks. Do I look for my own place, knowing he can't keep this apartment alone? Do I offer to help him look? Should I leave any of the logistics conversations alone, until he brings them up? Is it insulting for me to try to help him through this, as the one who initiated the break? I feel guilty that I have a support system (friends and family) nearby, when he does not. I feel guilty that my work affords me fulfillment and financial stability, when his does not. I feel guilty that I should be happy here, in this relationship, with this man, but I do not.

What next?

Hi Mom.. I'd really prefer not to talk to you.

citron — Sat, 24 May 2008 10:14:57 -0800

How do I handle interactions with a parent in the present, when I still haven't been able to let go of anger from the past? It's my mother.. simply calling me every now and then to ask how I am doing, and yet when she comes up on my caller ID I usually have overwhelming feelings of dread, anger, and then guilt if I don't pick up the phone. My mother and I don't get along so well. Things are civil at the moment but.. I guess on a deeper level they are poisonous. I certainly haven't resolved a lot of anger from the past, especially when I was young and still living at home. She has a mood disorder - definitely depression sometimes, but also prone to lashing out in rage and frustration, and seems to have a knack for saying the most hurtful things she possibly can at those moments. I grew up in constant fear of her unpredictable bad temper and fits of rage, and am still trying hard to stop being as critical of myself as she was of me. I know I haven't let it go and I'm not sure how, and I've had the same mood disorder myself since my teenage years - the time when she and my father were divorcing and she just dumped everything on me, guilt trips, anger, their baggage from the past. She doesn't have many friends and is miserable and pretty good at driving people away. I don't want to be like her but I'm afraid I could be, as I've learned pretty well how to be terribly unhappy and hard on myself.

Well over a decade later, I have this overwhelming anger when she calls me or sends me money (which I've asked her many times to stop doing) - a wish that she'd just leave me the hell alone, preferably for a couple of years. Even though at the moment she isn't treating me badly like she used to. But ever since I left home for college and the years in between, she'll call me to see how I am doing every week or so, and I just dread those calls and often don't take them, after which she'll complain to me the next time how long it's been since I've talked to her, and I never call her, etc. I would almost like to say, "get the hint, the reason I don't call is because I don't want to talk to you," but that seems awfully cruel. And of course I don't call - I don't want to talk to her - it always turns into this defensive, unpleasant thing for me because I'm usually not doing all that great, but if I am honest about this she'll harass me with constant worrying and more calls. I don't have to deal with her fits of rage and guilt trips any more, unless I happen to bring up anything from the past, of course. Oh, and yes, I've been to therapists and will go again. :)

Am I prejudiced about friends working in service jobs?

divabat — Tue, 06 May 2008 17:36:35 -0800

How do I get over the feeling of awkwardness/guilt/prejudice when I encounter my friends working in service positions? I grew up in an upper-middle-class environment - my dad had a high-profile job, which meant a higher status amongst the local community, perks and privileges (such as a chauffeur and regular maids), and frequent events with the Who's Who of his industry. My mum always told me to "be part of society" and "remember, you are the MD's daughter".

I rebelled against the whole idea of "high society" (I didn't care much about class) but I didn't realize just how ingrained the whole thing was until I followed my family to dinner at a formal Chinese restaurant some years ago. One of the waitresses for our table happened to be an ex-classmate. I said Hi and she was pretty friendly back, but somehow I felt really embarrassed that she was serving me. Then I realized that the idea of her "serving" me seems rather embarrassing in itself.

I don't feel nearly as awkward when I meet a relative stranger working in service - as a cashier, waiter(ess), customer service, etc. I have also done some service work before (info booth, usher, etc) and generally enjoyed it. Yet when I see a friend behind the counter, I get really awkward and guilty, and the whole issue of class/social status/"omg they are SERVING me" gets muddled in my head. (I felt ultra awkward when I went to a local theatre to watch a show and had to buy tickets from my tutor!)

Often my first instinct is to go "oh, no, let me do it myself" - though in many cases this is not possible, such as when I'm trying to buy something. I first feel embarrassed for them, then embarrassed at myself for thinking that their job is embarrassing. I feel guilty that I have to use my friends to get what I'm after. I don't want to be served!

I know it's ultimately just a job, and my "serving me" complex is just me being silly. But how do I get over this awkward feeling? How do I not feel like my friends are working for me, that I am somehow better than them, when I know this is definitely not the case? How do I clear myself of this ingrained prejudice?

How can I not feel guilty about a friend's suicide?

MaryDellamorte — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 12:24:09 -0800

How can I cope with feelings of guilt over a friend's recent suicide? I found out a few hours ago that a friend, Joe, committed suicide yesterday. His father died about six months ago and which ate him up pretty bad, and I made an effort to call him everyday to see how he was doing. He told me he appreciated me checking in on him and that it made him feel better since I was just about the only one to do this. The last time I saw Joe was about a month ago and things seemed to be looking up for him. He had a new job he liked, and he had finally cleared all the details and paperwork associated with his deceased father's estate which I know was a relief. I kind of lost touch with him since then since this last month has been really busy for me. I actually thought about Joe the other day and had been meaning to call. I feel like if I had called him the other day, that this wouldn't have happened. I feel horrible right now, and I know this isn't my fault but I still can't help but feel that things could have been different if I had been more vigilant. I don't know how to cope with this.

Should we invite the class?

LoriFLA — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 13:28:13 -0800

Birthday party etiquette question: Would it be in bad taste to invite my son's preschool classmates to his fifth birthday party? So far my child has been invited to two birthday parties this year. We didn't go to either. My child was sick and sleeping for the first party that was held earlier this year. I called the parent the morning of the party, apologized, and explained the situation. I'm glad we didn't go because the next day he had a rash. It was fifth disease. When I called, the mother said, "Oh I never knew you were coming in the first place." I left a message on her machine a week earlier stating that we would be there. She told me a couple days later that her husband had heard it and erased it on accident.

For the second party that was held a month or so ago, I completely forgot. I RSVPd, marked it on my calendar and I still forgot. I called and apologized that day and sent the present on the next school day.

Now it is time for my kid's birthday. I was going to just have a family party, but I kind of want to throw him a kid party. It is his fifth birthday and he has never had a party with kids, only family.

Would it be tacky to invite the class even though we missed these parties? There have been no other parties. The only two that we were invited to, we weren't there. The class is small, ten students including my child, and I want to invite everybody. Thanks for your input and advice.

Help Me Feel Better About Not Wanting To "Go All Out" With The Christmas Decorating.

amyms — Sun, 02 Dec 2007 03:07:10 -0800

I feel guilty for not wanting to really "go all out" with Christmas decorating this year. I'll do the tree, of course, but every year I feel like doing less and less in terms of the "whole shebang"... My kids are basically "grown up" (ages 19 and 15) but I feel like I'll be letting them down if I do less than what's expected. The thought of totally getting into the decorating this year is exhausting. Can any other Mefites relate to this? And, if so, how did you deal with it?

This happiness thing? It causes more problems than you'd think.

echo0720 — Sat, 19 May 2007 22:53:52 -0800

Is it bad for me to mention the good things in my life around friends who are unhappy with theirs? My life was kind of a mess up until the past year when I started trying to change things, and in the past couple of months, the results of that have kicked in, and things are going really well, and I'm finally happy and together, and it's new and weird, and quite cool.

I have a couple friends that I love spending time with, really enjoy talking to, they're my closest friends in town, and I think we make a really good support system for one another and have a lot of fun together. We're thirty-something single women, we do what a lot of women like us do -- we sit around bitching about men, our jobs, our debt, etc.

Lately, I've been really fortunate in that I've been meeting cool guys, I kinda like my job right now, and I can afford a nice condo. I'm excited about this stuff, and I want my friends to know about what's going on in my life. Yet whenever I mention any of it, even briefly, I get shut down. Either more complaining about their issues ensues or there are implications of my "poor little rich girl" status (which is just so wrong, so wrong), and I walk away from a conversation where I wanted to tell my friends some good news actually feeling bad about having done so.

So is this envy? I'm definitely not bragging about myself, these are just the things that come up naturally in a conversation. Am I not supposed to be sharing this stuff? Why should I feel guilty for sharing good news with my friends? Should I just edit my conversations and not talk about the good things going on in my life so as to not hurt their feelings? I don't understand how this is supposed to work.