Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with growingup

My little sister's growing up :'(

SebastianKnight — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 05:13:28 -0800

My younger sister is moving in with her future-fiancé. How to mark this passage, and what house-warming gift to buy them? My wonderful sister (early 20s) is about to move in with her boyfriend (who will very likely become my brother-in-law within 18 months). They're moving into his new house (not renting), and they're seriously planning their futures together. This is the big one, and I'm so happy for both of them. They're a great match and they're very together, level-headed people. I'm very hopeful for them.

She's moving out of my mum's house and it feels like this move closes a door on a part of our sibling relationship. My sister and I are very very close, and her moving out of mum's house likely means that we'll probably never live under the same roof again. We'll stay close, but this feels like a significant passage from one chapter to the next. In some ways, it marks the end of our shared extended-childhood. We've been through movings in and out and back and forth and together and apart before, but never with this air of finality.

So I have one pragmatic question and one fuzzy one.

1) Do you have any suggestions for a housewarming gift for them? (I've read previous Asks on this topic but couldn't find one with this sort of background.) I'm struggling.

2) If you've been through anything like this, how did you mark the occasion? How did you handle it? Have you any advice?

Thanks.

Fun songs about growing up and graduating?

ginagina — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 07:22:37 -0800

Fun songs for college graduation mix cd? A good friend is graduating college and I'd like to give her some songs that will help with the coming job search/life changes. Cheesy is ok, but I'd prefer songs that talk about transition, growing up, etc. but are upbeat.

Think: MGMT Time to Pretend

Thanks so much!

Not lazy just scared to work full time

rainygrl716 — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 06:41:04 -0800

I'm scared of having to work for a living. I'm terrified I'll feel hollow and depressed and unfulfilled. Is this normal and part of growing up and entering the real world? Next month I am entering the first year of my official program at the university I attend. I'll have on full year of classes and then the next year will be a year long internship / clinical rotation in which I basically work 40 hours a week (and take exams).

I'm really terrified. I've never worked full time and have been a student for my entire life up until now. I've been at a community college (for four years. I took a the long road to figuring out what I wanted to do!) and I don't know if I am just feeling nervous because so much is changing and I'm now at a large university or what, but I am really really really scared. I've only had two real jobs before. One was for 19 hours a week at a department store. The other was more in line with the field I am going into now which was 12 hours a week and I enjoyed it a lot. I was in school full time when I had both jobs so I was balancing a lot.

I'm just terrified I'll hate working. I love school and learning and thrive on that environment. I've considered graduate school but this doesn't really address the fear I have about working full time.

At the same time I am frustrated because I do want to earn money and contribute to my household. I feel it is unfair that my husband should have to support us completely forever.

I just worry I won't be able to make it in the workforce. I think that is my biggest fear- that I won't be able to handle it. That having a job and doing the same stuff every day will make me feel hollow and depressed. One thing I like about college is that every quarter I have new challenges and a new schedule. When I get discouraged or tired or stress, I always see an end in sight at least and know I have a break coming up and that I'll start a new quarter with new challenges soon.

The field I am entering has interesting options for schedules. Night shifts, day shift, evening shifts. 12 hour shifts. 7 days on of 10 hr shifts then 7 days off. But some of these shifts would aggravate my depression and anxiety issues and even that flexibility doesn't alleviate the anxiety and stress I feel about entering the workforce.

I started seeing a psychologist last week to help work on my anxiety issues. How can I best address these issues so that he can help me? I feel embarrassed about admitting this, like I am weak and can't contribute to society. Is some of this just normal, growing up feelings? Can this be worked out with good therapy?

I no long have insurance, want to travel, and don't know what to do thereabout

fjardt — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 12:57:52 -0800

I am no longer covered under my parent's insurance because of my age and i will be traveling soon. What should i do? I am not entirely sure how it all works.

Do i only need travel insurance? Do i need to have "normal" insurance, and in addition to that buy travel insurance? I think that most people get insurance through their jobs, but how else can one get it?

Currently i will be traveling in the US, of which i am a citizen, working on WWOOF farms.

Thanks MeFites!

Everybody's ahead of me!

QuarterlyProphet — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 17:41:09 -0800

I'm finally going to college four years after I was supposed to get out of high school. Please tell me you've done it too, and everything worked out! In the winter of 2004, due to a variety of family issues with a healthy dose of stupidity, I decided to drop out of high school. I got my GED a few months later, and have worked in the construction industry doing OK. I've taken a few classes since then, doing very well at them, and at the urging of my girlfriend, decided to apply to the state college (UCONN, for what it's worth). To my surprise, they accepted me, and I'll be headed to Storrs in a few weeks.

My problem is that I feel nervous about "starting over". Most of the friends I had in high school are now discussing plans for the rest of their lives, job offers and med school and it just makes me depressed about the fact that I started off so much later than them, and that by the time I graduate they'll have worked in their selected industry for several years. I have a (hopefully) irrational fear that I'll never catch up to them.

I know (think) that I'm not the only one who has started college a little later than expected, and was just hoping to hear from a few people that have done the same or something similar.

Should I buy a house? This one? Now?

Anonymous — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 21:28:13 -0800

Should I buy a house? This one? Now? (Sticky family and personal issues involved.) Background: My grandparents are Florida 'snowbirds', with a condo there and a house in an NYC outer borough. I lived with them in the house since I was a teenager (27 now), and now live there as a sort of caretaker while they spend longer and longer periods in FL. Florida hits snowbirds with considerable property taxes, and they have a mortgage on the house. They need (on a fixed income so these bills hurt) to sell to do away with those mortgage payments and qualify for the low taxes as actual FL residents.

I'd like to buy the house: I've lived there for over 10 years now and have lifelong friends nearby. It's a good neighborhood and near all forms of transportation into Manhattan.

But my grandparents think it's still 2005 and can get $500k for the house. Earlier this year, on the same block, a significantly larger lot went for $550k, and a slightly larger corner lot went $470k. They're asking $450k from me, a family 'discount' of sorts. This (the possibly unrealistic pricing) I can deal with, but it's delicate because it's family and money.

One problem is the down payment: I don't have it, but my 401k has plenty to cover it (I'd pay the closing costs with cash). I'm not all that comfortable dipping into that, but others whom I trust said it's not a big deal since I'm young. Brokers told me about no-money-down mortgages, via sort of slight-of-hand with the bank, another thing I'm not exactly comfortable with. Is there anything wrong with either of these options?

I make enough to cover the monthly payments including taxes and insurance and utilities, with extra for actual living.

Indecision #1: The house is zoned for two-families and can be converted to such relatively easily, though not quickly. So there's potential income but nothing that would cover more than a third of the mortgage payments. Renting the house as two units (one 3br, one big basement studio) would cover up to a quarter, but in my area a 3br can take a while to fill and isn't all that practical. This is the basic rent vs buy problem, but with 'buying' being upwards of 4x what I could rent adequate space for. So: buy now, or rent and save to buy later when I have cash to put down? Market uncertainty plays heavily into my considerations here.

Indecision #2: Since I was a teenager, I've nearly always sacrificed youth and time in pursuit of money and financial security, right up until today, mostly with regret at having 'missed out'. For example, the past three years building a company, I've lost that time for finding stable (romantic) relationships, and the social skills necessary for that. So: am I now at the age where pursuing financial security is more important than living 'normal', renting, being social?

Indecision #3: I was hoping to go to school (I have no degree and would be starting from scratch). Two motivations here: an education towards a career switch or simply advancement, and an environment conducive to socializing. I've had these intentions going on 5 years now, never actively pursued. It would be impossible financially if I were to buy the house. School being recommended, is it realistic given my past?

Indecision #4: I'm being treated for bipolar, relatively successfully, but I am always wary of long-term plans, that they're unattainable, that they'd fizzle out. This mainly applies to renovating and converting the house to a two family and renting it out. I have no idea how to approach this.

Indecision #5: I think you'll find it apparent that I'm more uncomfortable with buying than not. But I can't shake the thought that I'm rationalizing apathy towards moving or just plain fear and uncertainty. Or something more complex: Am I avoiding real, binding responsibility? Avoiding 'growing up'?

Apologies for the length. I tend to over think things trying to sleep at night.

A sad coming-out story

grrarrgh00 — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 21:22:38 -0800

I'm dealing with the fallout from coming out to my deeply religious immediate family. For years, I had prepared for their tears, their anger, their remonstrances, their appeals to the Bible, and all of those have come. What I hadn't prepared for was how disappointed I would be, and how fundamental and lonely that disappointment would be. Help? All my life, the person I've considered myself closest to was my older sister. I love her dearly, and I've always held her up on a pedestal as a rational, incredibly decent, and most deeply generous person. A little under a decade ago, when I first realized I was gay, and that it wasn't a phase, I knew my sister would be the family member I'd come out to first, because even though I knew she'd have some trouble with it, I also knew she'd understand and assuage my fears in a way no one else would or could. If I could depend on no one else in life, I could depend on my sister.

I've been living on my own for almost a decade, in a different state than any of my family members. I've been out at work and to friends for 6 years. After years of prelude, I formally came out to my sister at the beginning of this year, as best as I knew how. Our first conversation about it made me grimace and chuckle a little bit -- she said everything the textbooks tell you not to say when someone comes out to you -- "Were you abused as a child?" "And you're sure it's not a phase?" But she assured me she loved me, and was, on some level, OK with it, and understood I couldn't be the person I was if I wasn't the person I am.

In the ensuing months, though, our conversations became a touch more difficult. She started telling me in every phone call that she was praying for me, asking me to open my heart to God, pointing out the standard passages in Leviticus and so forth. I was taken aback, because although my sister has always been religious, she's never been a fundamentalist. But I assured her of my own time spent studying the Bible, reconciling my sexuality with my faith, and walked her through the numerous doctrinal interpretations challenging the fundamentalist position on homosexuality. (I attended Christian schools all my life; I've read the Bible basically cover to cover, and I've done a lot of intense Bible study to help inform my own faith.) I was trying to engage her at her level, although I was astounded that she'd brought it there. Leviticus, really? My sister?

Tonight was the last straw. My year of finally coming out to my family climaxed in what was more-or-less a coming-out conversation with my uber-religious mother. (A wonderful person, who commands much of my love and admiration and respect, but whom I will probably never describe as thoroughly rational.) It was tough, but I've been steeling myself for that for years. My mom is probably still wailing and screaming and asking what she did to deserve this. I don't know how long it will be before we speak again, but again, that I was prepared for.

But the giant blow was the conversation with my sister that followed, which included every distorted Biblical canard a fundie ever threw at a fag. (OK, she left out the Adam-n-Eve-not-Adam-n-Steve quip.) We each remained as civil as we could, but "civility" is a term I'd hate to ever use to describe an interaction with my dear, dear sister.

What I'm left with is my disbelief and disappointment that this was my sister. My decent, rational, generous, cherished sister, clinging to such uncharitable, irrational, bileful dogma in the face of all reason and loyalty and love. Something fundamental has soured in our relationship, even if things get better between us. It feels as though the person whose love and support I have always counted on in life is a different person entirely, and the loneliness and disappointment in that is just wrenching.

Give me some perspective. Point me to an essay, or a speech, or a book, or a song, or something. Lay down your words of wisdom. This was long, but I had to get it off my chest.

How do I learn to survive grad school?

Anonymous — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 08:26:45 -0800

How do I learn to survive as a grad student? For a number of reasons, this is anonymous, so bear with me as I drench you in information.

I recently started a two-year masters' program in the arts, and I also currently hold a half-time assistantship.

Basically what I'm looking for is advice on managing what has become a fairly quiet, monastic life, and also on making myself do work.

My program allows us a tremendous amount of time to read and write, which means that the amount of actual classwork I have, even when combined with my teaching duties, is less than I had as an undergraduate. However, I have quickly found that I don't know how to best use all of this "free" time, and it is quickly wasted taking naps and reading gossip blogs.

Moreover, I'm having a bit of difficulty adjusting to my new life in general. I live alone, which is optimal but quite lonely; my significant other is far away, which is not new but still difficult; I'm one of the youngest ones in my program, which makes me feel inexperienced and intellectually lightweight; I'm surrounded by PhD candidates and unsure about my work, which adds to the feeling that I'm a lightweight; I moved from a large city to a small town, and now winter is closing in; I have lots of new friends and colleagues who I enjoy spending time with at work but who have little free time outside of school and family life; and, oh yeah, there's the shock of realizing that hey! academia is just like any other workplace, and even brilliant people are jerks and have personal problems and get involved in low-stakes academic politics.

So, MeFites who've survived grad school, how did you organize your life and deal with any, or all, of these problems?

I'm not thinking about quitting (yet), but I also don't want to find myself thinking every day that it's only two more years until I can leave here/move in with S.O./work in my field/etc.

Twilight Zone

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 07:07:06 -0800

How do you just move on with your life and grow up? I'm 25 right now, but I feel as though I'm stuck at 16. It was sort of a case where two roads diverged in a road (to quote Robert Frost), and I took one path, only to regret not taking the other.

I decided to go into a health sciences field in high school when I would much rather (and my talents and abilities and interests seem to indicate) have gone into the arts (such as writing). There were a bunch of extraneous factors involved, such as parental/cultural pressure and such. So I entered a professional undergrad program and failed out five years later--I couldn't handle the pressure and my inner conflicts. I was very passionate about writing and literature also and saw it as a big part of my identity, and trying to pursue that along with my real studies (they involve two completely different ways of thinking) meant I made sacrifice after sacrifice in my personal life for success in my program, and it took its toll, I guess. I switched to English, graduated, and now I don't know what to do with my life.

I can't seem to move on from that period of my life when I made the choice. I was pretty spirited and full of opinions and plans and dreams back in high school, but now I'm broken? I spent my last uni year almost physically sick from memories of my previous years in that program, and I haven't been interested in anything since the switch. I didn't make a friend while I was in the professional program, and the people I consider friends are those from my high school days--and they've moved on. They live the kind of lifestyle that I think I would have followed too if I had taken that first path. I think there's envy involved, because it's what I aspire to and want for myself, but they're not talking to me now anyway, because their own lives and group of friends had evolved in the meantime.

I also spent all my time studying, so I'm really lacking in the social skills and general knowledge that one typically picks up around this time. For example, I'm really uneasy around alcohol, because I'm completely inexperienced with drinking and feel very embarrassed about making goofs when I try to order a drink at a bar. Personal development is also a little lacking; I basically lived in a cave, and it seemed all my growth had stopped then, including branching interests. I didn't have time to pursue my own interests or make new ones; consequently all my interests are those that I had at 16 (I was a nerd, so it's not too bad; art and writing and history and psychology), but that doesn't mean they're valid or right for me now.

I was depressed throughout those years and suppressed who I was and my real thoughts and feelings about everything. It's only in the last year, now that I'm finished school, that they're coming back.

I saw a counsellor, but she seems to think I'm all right and simply blowing things out of proportion. The people who know about this really do think I'm making a big drama out of it all. They don't take me seriously when I try to tell them how I really felt during those years. I think it's a problem because a) I really do feel stuck, b) I can't seem to relate to or see my friends except how they were in high school, c) everyone around me _treats_ me like a 16 year old and they can't seem to relate to me in any other way--that includes relatives, parents, friends, and acquaintances. Along with the assumption is also that I think like a 16 year old, and that's definitely not true.

I'm not immature--I'm very perceptive about myself and I can take care of myself extremely well. I come across great in writing. I also have good insights. But when it comes to exchanges with the world and inter-personal relations in general, and showing myself to the world, I'm about the most stupid person that I've ever come across (I'm socially awkward and can't read cues very well. For example, I only learned not to take people's words at face value at 22--that was a harsh lesson). I've been looking for a job for six months without success, and I think this probably has something to do with it.

I don't exactly know how to deal with this. I think the past 7 or 8 years in virtual isolation had done something to my brain. It's like I have a replay button, and the only things that I respond to are those things that I responded to at 16--but I'm not learning anything new and I'm not interested in anything new. The world reads like I went to sleep in 1998 and woke up in the mid-'00's. I just want to keep going back to who I was and try to move on from that persona--but circumstances have changed (heck, this isn't high school anymore, or even uni), my circle of acquaintances have changed, and I've changed--I'm an adult now. I tried doing something adventurous like go backpacking solo (to teach myself independence), but it's effects didn't last long.

I feel like a basket-case and like life is passing me by, and I hate it. What can I do to get out of this? How can I go about learning all this stuff I seem to have missed during what apparently were formative years, or skip it altogether and just live as my 25 year old self?

Moving on, moving out?

b33j — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 18:09:59 -0800

Parents want to move across the country, adolescent children want to stay. What to do? My kids are growing up. My daughter(14) is beginning grade 10 tomorrow and my son (16) is starting his last year of school. He intends to probably go to uni, but hasn’t definitely made a decision. Anything my daughter plans is subject to change. We have no car. We are experiencing low income, mostly due to the fact that I quit my job to study full time. I will hopefully be finished that in 2 years (a year before my daughter finishes high school) so our income should nearly double about then.

My husband and I both left home relatively early by today’s standards. He entered the army age 15, I left home at 17. Neither of us went back. We had our children quite young (I’m now 39, he’s 40). We both were moved around a lot as kids and it didn’t work out too well for us, so we made sure to stay put for these guys (as much as we could). So we’ve been in the general vicinity of the state capital for the last 13 years with 3 moves, the last 5 years ago when we bought this place. As you can imagine, in the last 13 years (particularly when we had a car) we’ve seen everything within a 6 hour driving radius of this place).

Did I mention that we moved a lot as kids? I think it got into our blood. We moved nearly every single year of our lives until we became parents. We’re desperate to move again, and our kids don’t want to, and I see their point of view. In fact, I’ve promised to stay put until they’ve finished their schooling and we will - so that takes us to the end of 2009. But I really, really want to move then. Its way too hot here (yesterday it was 40C – 105F). I want to experience new horizons, new people, new places.

Thing is, I can see, when they’ve finished high school, they’re not going to be ready to live away from home. They don’t want to. None of their friends will either. And they don’t want to move cross country. Their friends are here, they have access to a number of good tertiary institutions and it is typical here to live at home and commute to uni. On the other hand, my husband and I would like to get jobs on the opposite side of the country. We’ve considered moving out, and letting them have the house, but for the first time, last night, I got the impression from them that they don’t feel confident with taking care of it. Getting any other information out of them on this topic is like getting blood out of a stone. Hey, they’re teenagers, lovely people, with great ideas, but sometimes they don’t know what they don’t know, and sometimes they don’t know how to say it.

I’ve had a look at the parenting tag questions but none fit. Other suggestions welcome.

What’s a fair way to give both generations in this family what they need/want? What am I missing here?

Universal Teenage Experience?

five fresh fish — Sat, 23 Sep 2006 22:42:12 -0800

Are teenagers the same around the world and through all cultures? Y'know, teenagehood, that horrible time of your life when e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. is the Biggest Trauma Ever. That overly dramatic stage that, as far as I've ever heard, everyone goes through... at least in Canada.

Now, I'm pretty sure you Americans and British et al have a similar sort of teenaged life: Adrian Mole and so on...

...but do kids growing up in a pygmy tribe in Papua New Guinea go through the same thing? Are they rebellious? Refuse to... hunt? Get married? Eat pig? Do they make music their parents dislike? Invent a teen language?

David's last summer - or, music that deals with the transition from adolescence into a different world

greycap — Thu, 11 May 2006 12:22:04 -0800

Looking for songs that have a wistful, bittersweet feel to them that captures the move from adolescence into "adult" life - eg the moments before leaving school, or before getting your first job. Why do I ask? Well, my Ipod spat out the following songs on shuffle the other day:

Pulp - David's Last Summer
Belle and Sebastian - A Summer Wasting
The Divine Comedy - The Summerhouse

They all have a definite hint of nostalgia to them, and all touch on the transition from one phase of your life into another. I thought I'd try to put together a playlist including them and other similar songs. It doesn't have to be specifically about "last summers", simply about those threshold-type moments where you go from one phase of your life to another.

Any suggestions? Although the examples above are all pretty mainstream indie, I'd be interested in any musical style, genre or era.

Note - I'm really after songs that specifically deal musically or lyrically with these sort of themes, rather than songs that don't directly deal with them but which you associate with such moments due to your own personal experiences.

The value of loneliness

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Mar 2006 19:07:23 -0800

Does loneliness have any value? For some reason, I've always had this idea that periods of loneliness are necessary and healthy parts of life. I don't know where I came up with that. If this makes any sense, I kind of see those periods of being lonely like trimming back a plant, at first it looks terrible and dead, but it is necessary for the plant to grow and become fuller. Is there any truth to that?

I guess I wonder this because I'm going through a lonely spell right now. I'm in my early 20's, transitioning to a new phase, in a new city alone, with tons of time to think. I'm in good mental health, and am making an effort to meet people, so I'm not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself. But periods of loneliness, I don't think, turn on and off so quickly. Anyways, this question isn't really about me other than my wondering whether this can be a somewhat healthy thing to go through, or should I just make a full-on effort to be happy all of the time. Any insight pertaining to loneliness and periods of loneliness would be appreciated too.

Real men don't post anon.

public — Fri, 03 Mar 2006 16:52:20 -0800

I lost my virginity when I was 8. Is this totally freakish and should I seek counselling or just a bit unusual? She was also 8. I grew up in what was effectively a commune. It's a long story. I just want to figure out how I compare to the rest of the world.

What do you wish you'd known/done when you were 21?

trampesque — Tue, 30 Aug 2005 04:13:33 -0800

I turned 21 last week and I want to know; what do you wish you'd known when you were 21? What do you wish you'd done but didn't, or what did you do that you think was an unmissable experience? I'm the kind of person who wants to have an interesting life. At the moment I'm about to go into my second year at University, so travelling or anything of great expense is out given that my bank account currently stands at 28 pence. I know "I'm still young" but I really want to do a lot of stuff in my twenties that I can look back on, rather than waiting until I'm 30 and realising I'm too busy with a career or family or whatever.
And as well as wanting ideas for things to do, I'd love to know what people wish they had known in their twenties, so that I can learn it now and not be one of those people looking back saying "dude, if I'd known that I wouldn't have made so many mistakes/wasted so much time/eaten so many McDonalds happy meals (I thought they were GOOD for you!)"

I'm single (female), outgoing and relatively healthy. I want to know anything you can think of, literally. Regarding health, money, sex, love, hobbies, travel, entertainment, confidence and body image, family...... basically anything about anything.

I need information about how to parent when raised by abusive parents.

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Feb 2005 17:35:49 -0800

I was raised by an abusive father. Now in my early 30's I am looking ahead to the future when I may become a father. I am determined not to recreate the family environment I grew up in but know how these things sometimes turn out -- that people determined not to recreate something sometimes wind up doing so in an unforseen manner. I was in therapy for 2 years in my 20's to work on the issues but therapy is not an option now because of money. I have worked hard not to be my father, but part of me is afraid that I will wind up being like him as a parent. (In particular, I worry about being a father to a son because of my history). I am looking for information about the father-son relationship as well as information about how to be a good parent when you have a background like mine. Please offer advice, books, suggestions - anything that can help.

Finding satisfying work

Jonasio — Wed, 09 Jun 2004 11:32:57 -0800

CareerFilter: What do I want to be when I grow up? (more--->) I'm at a point where I'm ready to go back to college and start this new chapter. What a great opportunity to survey Mefite experience and wisdom! What college degrees have served you best? What jobs have you loved? What is worthwhile, and what is a soul-sucking trap?

A little about me: I'm 29, an excellent student, with a very high IQ and tested well in career aptitude in every field. Self-employment suits me well, but I've occasionally enjoyed regular employ. I want to find a career that I can really enjoy -- something I can look back on and say "yes, this was really good." Money could be an issue, and of course I'm aware that often the most satisfying jobs come with the smallest paychecks. So I'm looking for your sweet spots. Has life been good to you? Please share the love!

I don't want to skew your wisdom with too much personal information. I'll answer any questions you may have for me, though.