Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with grieving

Escapism for the recently bereaved

tabubilgirl — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:28:44 -0800

A bereaved work-mate is looking for escapist literature that does not treat with death, dying or human tragedy - in short - 99% of the english language canon is off limits. Can anyone suggest good books? A work-mate recently lost her fiancee to heart disease. She is taking time off from work and is looking for books to read - lighthearted fare that does not treat with death, dying or human tragedy. She's in her thirties, has unmitigated scorn for Terry Pratchett and his light-fantasy ilk, tends to enjoy Rosamund Pilcher and Maeve Binchey (but considers some of their work potentially dark at present) - is there anything out there?

How do we even begin to deal with the murder of our friend?

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:04:14 -0800

My boyfriend and I have a friend who was just killed for seemingly no reason. I am trying to come to terms with this, and help him at the same time. Less than a week ago, one of my boyfriend's best friends was found shot and killed. No suspects, no motive, no way of currently knowing how he got where he was found. He was a great friend to my boyfriend, as they are both from the same small town and relocated here. He would come over often and stay for a day or two with us. One of his work shirts is still hanging in our closet.

I suppose my question has many parts, and is both specific to the terrible way in which we lost him, and pertinent to grieving in general.

First, how do I best help my boyfriend through this? I knew his friend for the duration of our relationship (3-4 years), but he has known him since childhood. He has been very stoic, but has never even lost a grandparent and I want to do everything possible for him. I have lost many family members, but it was always through illness or old age. This is a different beast entirely.

How do we deal with the fact that we may never know who did this to him, or why it happened? I know homicide investigations take quite a while, but it is torturous to imagine never knowing anything more. Should we contact the detectives working on this case again for updates, or just... wait? Since we are not family, I am not sure if there is set protocol on this.

Is there some sort of set of guidelines, a book recommendation or something else, to know what to do right now to cope? My family and friends are calling, but I don't feel like seeing anyone. I forced myself to do a couple things with friends last weekend, and went to work on Saturday, but I was pretty exhausted afterward. I have taken this week off from work and school, and am trying to work up the energy to even email in my homework. I've just kind of been a numb lump on the couch, for the most part. I guess this is par for the course, but is there something more productive I could be doing with my time? Will keeping busy with normal activities help to distract from the crushing reality? ...Or, is being distracted even good? Is it better to deal with this first before entering the real world again?

I'd like to turn off the graphic images in my head. I lay out all of the possible things that could have happened, all the horrible things that could have been done to him. I wonder if he knew he was going to die before it happened. I hope he wasn't scared. I feel like this type of thinking is detrimental to my health and sleep patterns, but can't turn it off.

Additionally, in the long term, are there good strategies/activities to make our days a little brighter? At the moment, there is a huge hole in our lives, but I randomly started looking at pictures of kittens up for adoption today and it was a pleasant distraction for a bit. Now we are talking about maybe getting a kitty sometime in the immediate future. Would it be wise to jump into something like that so soon, or should we wait on the decision to expand our "family"?

As a side note, I approached the subject of grief counseling with my boyfriend, and even looked up a few therapists in the area. He said, "not yet, maybe after the funeral." We both know it will be beneficial to go through that process soon.

Any and all anecdotes, wise words, stories, etc. are welcome. I know I asked about 25 questions. Thank you all in advance.

Throwaway email: wemisshim@gmail.com

How do I cope with my grieving Mom?

Monsters — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 11:41:18 -0800

My mother's grief is overwhelming me. How do I keep my cool? My Dad died in late December of last year. I am my mom's only kid in the same city (I have a sibling but she lives on the west coast; I'm in the midwest). For the past 9 months my mom's grief has draped across my life and I don't think I can cope anymore.

I'm in the second year of a Masters program and am planning to go on to a PhD. So this is a very busy time- I have to take standardized tests, apply to and visit potential PhD programs, and (oh yeah) write a thesis. This is on top of regular coursework and the 20-hour-a-week research assistantship that pays for my tuition.

I love my mom and we've always had a pretty great, close relationship. But her grief is overwhelming me. I try to call her daily and see her at least once a week, give her lots of support and make sure she is looking after herself. Every few months or so she calls me demanding that I drop everything and drive 45 minutes to her house to hug her. The most stressful part of this is that I have my own grief- but in order to be emotionally strong enough to support my mom in her grief I distance myself from my own grief about the death of my dad, who was my hero.

I've told my mom she needs professional help and found her the number of a psychologist who specializes in traumatic grief right down the street from her house. She hasn't made an appointment.

I try to be as supportive as possible, but my patience is wearing thin. More and more I find myself lashing out at her when she calls me in tears, asking that I drop everything and go to her house to take care of her. That isn't the kind of daughter I want to be- this woman raised me and I owe her better than I've been giving lately. How do I manage my frustration when I'm with my mom so I can give her the support she obviously deeply needs?

Does someone with a dying relative better understand what someone who has lost a relative is going through?

Anonymous — Mon, 04 May 2009 18:38:31 -0800

Does someone with a dying relative better understand what someone who has lost a relative is going through? Explanation inside. A year and a half ago, X broke up with my best friend, Y. X stayed in my apartment after the breakup-technically, she was staying with my roommate. Shortly after that, I moved halfway across the country and didn't really keep up with X-it was a pretty nasty breakup, and while we were friends, I was always more Y's friend than X's.

A little more than a year ago, my father was diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer. For having metastatic cancer, he's doing wonderfully. Full remission would be a miracle, but chemotherapy is keeping the cancer at bay, we're handling the bills, and he's able to lead some semblance of a normal life on his off-weeks. It's still been a difficult experience, but I recognize that it's nowhere as difficult as it could be.

Two weeks ago, I get a text from Y -- X had called her to say that her father had died after a four month battle with cancer. I write X an email expressing my sympathies, but not mentioning my father's cancer. It felt like too much of a self-insertion into her own tragedy, and I figured there was a chance that she had already heard (we had a lot of mutual friends). Calling seemed too invasive-an email seemed to be immediate enough, but if the amount of sympathy she was receiving was too stifling, she could deal with me on her own time.

Today, I get an email from X thanking me, but also conveying that she was surprised to hear from me, and a polite wish that we could reconnect at some point.

So my question is this: Given these circumstances, would it be wise to reach out, tell her of my father's current situation, and offer a sympathetic ear as someone who might possibly understand her situation better than most people our age (we're in our early 20's)? It seems presumptuous to say so-my father is still alive. If there's anything I've learned from this experience, it's that a family member's cancer can manage to change your life in ways that you wouldn't have even thought about before-the same must happen with death. On the other hand, I've gone through half of the fear and grieving, and at least understand what the past four months have been like for her. For those who have lost a close relative, would talking to someone in my situation have helped you at all?

In lieu of flowers...

acorn1515 — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:45:48 -0800

In the past few months, both parents of my Japanese-American (by way of Hawaii) coworker have passed away. What gift/donation might be appropriate and have special significance to her? My coworker is a professional female in her mid-60s. She's incredibly down-to-down, and still very much connected to her Hawaiian ancestry, despite the fact that she was a traveler for much of her youth and has since come to settle in NYC.

Her parents both battled with dementia, and their health declined rapidly over the course of the last year, after they relocated to the city. She will be returning to Hawaii sometime this spring to scatter their ashes, but I'd like to be able to make a thoughtful donation in their names (to a charity out there? Or something here in NYC?), and perhaps offer some sort of small token to my coworker, who's been largely on her own with the day-to-day of their demise.

Any suggestions? If it helps, my coworker is also an Obama-loving, slightly spiritual/hippie-dippie sort, though at the same time, pretty focused on her work and a borderline Type A personality (with a bit of a Know It All personality to match). Other quirks to help you get a sense of her: She brought in some salts once to "cleanse" the office of a grumpy old man who left our firm; whenever I so much as sneeze, she'll offer me a gigantic bag of ginger and/or vat of herbal elixir; and she's got a framed poster of the Beatles' "Hard Day's Night" and a signed print from Peter May hanging in her office.

What do I do with Dad's diplomas?

yoga — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 04:27:27 -0800

My Dad died October 4 of this year, and I wound up with a big box of all his framed diplomas and certifications. 3 are his college degrees (Masters in Music Theory, PhD in Electrical Engineering). Then there are a bunch of others, like his engineering licenses. Maybe just an aspect of grieving, but I felt like it would have been disrespectful to just toss them curbside. I don't know what to do with them. I don't feel any need to hang them up. Should I return them to the universities or just throw them out?

Is there a therapist who can get past my mom's suspicions?

Nattie — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 11:30:50 -0800

Recommendations for a cognitive behavioral therapist in the Houston area for my mother? He/she is going to have to deal with a lot, especially because she is irrational and suspicious. I need to be sure that the therapist is good because my mom has a lot of issues that need to be addressed, but she tends to be suspicious of anyone who tries, or else she has a nervous breakdown and starts crying.

If it matters, she's in her mid-50s.

- My father died less than a year ago. She has said she might need to get therapy for dealing with this but, to my knowledge, has made no moves yet, so I'm hoping to steer her in the right direction. She understandably feels some anger about his death too, since he died from the Digitek tablets that were mistakenly twice the listed dosage.

- I'm not even sure how to put this except bluntly. For at least five or six years now, she has read a website that has lead her to believe all of the following: the government puts microchips in people's brains to program them, but people can be "deprogrammed" if they do the right things; reptile shapeshifter people exist that look just like normal human beings; the husband of the couple who runs the website has been abducted and informed by various different species of aliens of all this stuff; etc. They often take news stories and twist them into evidence of their claims. They post other things daily, like aliens landed here but it's been covered up, or the numerology of this and that means some outrageous thing, and so on.

It is extremely delusional and paranoid, but you can't disagree with her because she just thinks anyone who denies it does so because they're programmed to. If pressed on the more ridiculous stuff sometimes she will say she doesn't take it very seriously, but trust me, she does. It's very awkward to watch TV with her and have her say she thinks someone is a reptile, or for her to talk about someone being rude to her at work and attributing it to their programming or something.

The website also told her that California is going to physically break off from the United States apparently within our lifetime, and uses this as a reason why I should not move there with my husband who recently got a job there. She became very upset and started crying when we tried to explain to her that land masses take much longer than that to break off, if it's going to break off at all. Things like that make it very upsetting to be around her now. She is trying to influence the direction of my life based on completely out-there, untrue claims.

If I hadn't seen the website for myself I would think she'd developed some sort of mental illness, but she's always just been very impressionable and superstitious. Since she holds a lot of irrational beliefs, apparently because they make her feel better on some level (i.e. to believe she's deprogrammed and everyone else isn't), I think CBT would be best for her, but I think (I hope I'm wrong) this is probably more difficult to deal with than your typical patient.

- On a similar note, she will make stuff up and then believe it 100%. It's disturbing. For example, another one of her arguments against our moving to California was that the rent was three times higher there. When we told her we were only paying a couple hundred dollars a month more than we were in Austin, she would move on to another irrational argument, then come back to the "three times higher" argument again.

- More irrationality: she's maybe $100,000 in debt but she won't even compile her financial data to find out. When I asked her why, she admitted it was because then she'd have to deal with it, and she was scared. I pointed out that she was paying all the bills anyway so it doesn't make a difference, and that the only way she can make things better is to look at it. She doesn't even know what interest rate her credit cards are, for example, so she's paying way more than she needs to; she has a card that's 30% interest rate with a balance on it that she could entirely transfer to a 20% interest rate card. She won't do it. I have offered to do it for her and she just says she'll think about it.

This is going to turn out very badly if she doesn't get help soon.

- She is extremely judgmental. She was completely anti-racist as I was growing up, until about high school when she started hating Hispanic people because we lived in a Hispanic ghetto, and then after Hurricane Katrina she started hating black people because crime rates in Houston went up. This has gotten progressively worse and it's quite upsetting. I can't have a conversation with her anymore without racist stuff coming up, even in the oddest places. (It would be more bearable for me if I could just avoid certain topics, but it doesn't work that way.) It makes her feel better on some level to believe that she's better than minorities and that they're the cause of her problems, so I think CBT might help with that.

- She worries about everyone, for mostly irrational reasons. She has always been this way, even since she was a child. The 24/7 worrying makes her an emotional mess, and in the past has had a lot to do with why she cries and has nervous breakdowns. I don't see how this can continue and I don't like seeing her get worse.

- This has started to affect our relationship negatively. She loves me more than anything and can't deal with my moving out of the state, especially after my dad has died. I understand that. But the ways in which it comes out lately have been very upsetting. She is negative and resentful of anything that makes me happy or I am excited about. She sighs about how different I am from her and calls me weird for normal things like being an introvert, which makes me feel very unaccepted. (I'm not a "weird" introvert either; I go out a lot and have normal friends. She calls me weird for being tired by social interaction.)

I try to see her more often to make her feel better, and because I used to have so much fun with her, but the last few times I have visited her she has been so negative and unaccepting of me that I've been entirely unhappy and just want to leave. I can't just go fake it either, because it's gotten to the point where I have nothing I can safely talk to her about. I point out how I'm feeling about specific things, like when I told her to quit being negative about California, but just that made her cry. I think if I told her that her behavior was pushing me away, instead of making me want to see her more, it would absolutely destroy her. Normally I would agree that telling her how I feel is the best solution, but I think it's well past the point where such a thing would be safe and I don't think I'm qualified to deal with the extent of her problems.

I'm hoping if I can recommend a cognitive behavioral therapist and say it's to help her deal with losing my father and my moving away, especially because she already expressed some interest in it, maybe the other stuff will get slowly dealt with too.

I'm not the only one affected by this either.

Sorry for the long explanation, but I partly wanted to vent and partly wanted to show how important it is that the therapist really know what he/she is doing. I think it would be difficult for any therapist to deal with my mom thinking they're trying to steer her wrong because they have a chip in their head, for example, and she's going to cry and deny things a lot.

One other caveat: I would prefer someone who's not going to drug her. I realize such a thing might be necessary but I would rather that conclusion be reached after a significant amount of sessions. She tends to have bad reactions to medications, too (runs on her side of the family, it seems) so that's a concern.

Thanks for reading all this and any suggestions you might have.

dealing with belated grief?

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 08:51:38 -0800

My mom died when I was in college. Though she was in some sense a single parent to me and we were extremely close, I barely shed a tear about it since she died over six years ago. This past weekend, I'm not exactly sure why, but the dam finally broke and I've been overwhelmed with a tidal wave of sadness for the past couple of days that shows no signs of flowing back out. I have a couple of questions for you. - I am trying to be compassionate with myself, but I kind of feel like an idiot for not being sad such a long time ago, and being sad now instead. Is it normal to feel this way, now?

- I've worked hard to find a job and work that I really like after a string of unfulfilling positions, so I don't want to take a long leave of absence to deal with this. Is it possible to grieve healthily while maintaining a daily routine? How?

- Know of any good grief support groups in the Boston / Brookline area? I don't feel that one-on-one therapy is what I need right now (I have had experience with it), I feel that what I need to do is talk to / listen to other people that are going or have gone through this. I think the thing that makes me saddest is realizing how horribly universal this experience is, and just being completely overwhelmed by its magnitude. I would like to understand how other people are able to deal with this, though I haven't been able to find many promising leads by searching. I don't care if there's a fee, though I'm not religious so strongly religiously-oriented approaches won't work for me.

I'll be watching this thread and can follow up with more info if necessary. Thanks.

How do |I go on?

ffazniah — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 04:19:32 -0800

If my partner, a widower, wants some space to try to get over the death of his wife of 20 yrs, yet he can't tell me how long it will be, what am I meant to do? I have been seeing my partner for approx 18tmonths his wife died 22 months ago from cancer. We get on so well together and I have given him all the understanding he needs. On family occasions he sinks into another world and remembers and misses his wife. Don't get me wrong I am not saying this is a bad thing, its just that he knows he still has not moved on fully. He says he doesn't want anyone else and we talked about retirement and me going with him wherever he wants to live. Then 3 weeks ago we went away for a few days for the first time together to his family. We all got on great. The only thing was He was with me, but not with me in mind a lot or so I felt. It was the first time he had flown without his wife. He has been to his family a few times without her though. I was a bit quiet on the phone after we got back, because no matter how much understanding you have, you can't help feeling a bit hurt sometimes. He seems to have taken this as he is hurtin me and he dosen't want to. So he has said he needs some space to come to terms with things, that he thought he was dealing with the loss of his wife but he isn't. He says he is very happy when he is with me, but when he isn't he goes back to being sad and remembering. He says he can't contemplate not seeing me again, and I said I will give him some space. The trouble is now I feel in limbo land, I miss him so much it hurts and I don't know whats going on really. I don't know when I will see him again. I want to be with him. I feel for him being alone, he said I was the only person he opened up and talked about his feelings with.

Help me get this book out of my office and onto shelves.

Sophie1 — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 08:55:12 -0800

I need a new name!!! I've written a book for friends and non-primary caregiver family (NOT for primary caregivers) regarding illness and death. The book includes things you can do and say as a friend or peripheral relative for someone in the hospital, at home bedridden, survivors of violence, young people, older people, grieving families. It also includes some of the things not to do and say.

I have a name for the book but it seems not to be working with publishers/agents. I'm not going to write the name because it tends to influence what people think about the book. Second, I can't for the life of me, come up with an elevator speech that makes sense which is probably preventing me from getting it sold.

Pretty much everyone who has reviewed the completed manuscript says a version of "OMG, I so needed this when my (mother/spouse/ friend) was in the hospital. Why hasn't this been published? Can I have a copy to give to my ______?" I had an agent for two years but she pretty much didn't do anything with it and I ended our contract.

So, my two questions are,
(1) What should I name this book? and
(2) Can you come up with an elevator speech that makes sense?

For the moment, I don't want to self-publish for various reasons. So there's that.

Thank you in advance for all of your help.

Oh, also, I have a very long and very strong background in health/illness/grief and social services.

I spent EIGHT months for you! And for WHAT?!

divabat — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 05:00:05 -0800

I feel like I'm going through a breakup - only it isn't with a person, it's with an intangible thing. I know intellectually that I'll get better, but it's just been the first few days and I'm hurting so much. How do I heal? Something I've been working on for about 8 months straight has ended for me (not in my favour) and I'm feeling very odd, strange, sick.

I'm going through all the stages of grief, and then some - angry because I spent all that time on essentially nothing, sadness that I didn't get what I hoped for, thankful that I don't have to deal with some people that don't respect me, disappointed that I don't get to deal with the people I quite adored, upset that the disrespectful people were chosen over me, sour grapes that "well if that's how they'll be then I'm glad I'm not going!!", lost because I don't know what to do next, etc etc. All those emotions are piling in the pit of my stomach and they are making me really really nauseous - though I can't throw up.

This isn't the biggest disappointment I've ever had to face. I've faced things of this level before. It takes time and I don't quite notice when I recover, but it happens eventually. There has been a lot that I've learnt through this process, so it's not a complete waste. I know that I'll eventually get better, move on, find something else. I know all that intellectually.

Yet I still can't get rid of all those emotions making me ill. I've got about a few days to go before I head back for Australia, and I'm in the middle of nowhere (parents' house), so there isn't much to distract me. I have a website to make and a few books to read, but I can't even concentrate - I just feel sleepy or ill. My parents are trying to help...but it's not quite working at the moment.

As soon as I arrive in Australia, I have a week-long summit, followed by my last uni semester. It's all work experience stuff so there aren't any regular classes, but even until now I don't quite know how my schedule is like (you have to apply for projects; I'm still waiting to hear which ones I've got. I also arranged them in the expectation that this project would work out and now I have to probably rearrange stuff). I won't be near my comforting boyfriend, or my other usual distractions/stuff that helps, till about the 11th. That's a while away. I'm looking forward to the summit, but I'm worried that I won't be able to concentrate or give my best.

This thing I've been working on was meant to be my next step after uni, and now I have nothing. (Some of my other plans have collapsed too due to factors outside my control.) While I know I still have a few months before I have to think about it, and I don't have to rush into anything, I can't help but feel totally empty and lost. I was counting on this to be freedom, but now I feel just as trapped - doesn't help that my mum's pushing me to get permanent residency when (a) the rules change so quickly (b) the likelihood is rare.

I'm trying to look for other options, but at this point I don't know what I even WANT to do. This massive fall is making me wary of bringing my hopes up. I gave up on a lot of opportunities so that I could focus on this one thing - I felt that if I didn't give it enough attention I wouldn't do so well. Didn't work anyway. So now I don't know what to do.

Is it strange to feel like you're going through a breakup, when you haven't even broken up with ANYONE? I've heard the reasons for what happened and they actually paint me in a good light - but that doesn't make me any less sad. The last time I was disappointed it took me about a month to recover, so maybe I'm just being impatient, but I hate having only my anguish to wallow in. These manic emotions and sickness is driving me mad.

What can I do? What could I do at least for the next few days before I head back to Australia (or even when I'm there, because I'm sure I'm not going to recover THAT quickly even with a summit, work experience, and boyfriend to distract me). How do I get myself past this disappointment and be brave enough to look out & explore other opportunities? Will eating a pint of ice cream help?

(I have gone through a breakup, but it wasn't long and we were back together, and the time in between was mostly spent trying to fix our issues.)

What do I do? How do I cope? This sucks.

How To Address a Co-Worker's Possible Undiagnosed Psychological Issue

Joey Michaels — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 16:01:10 -0800

My employee may or may not have a genuine psychological problem. How should I address this? One of the teachers that I supervise recently lost a beloved pet. This teacher has always had a reputation for being quirky, sometimes pleasantly so, sometimes not so pleasantly so.

I am a sort of borderline obsessive pet owner myself, so I sympathize with the pain she's going through.

However, some of the ways that she has been expressing her sorrow are, well, unusual. One is even troubling.

She started this week by placing posters up all over the office of her deceased dog with its "born on" and "died on" dates around the office.

She then made memory cards of her pet and gave each of us one.

When anyone she handed a card to asked her what happened, she snapped "don't ask me about it." Later, she placed post its with the message "don't ask me about it" on all of the posters.

She's been prone to doing things like this in the past and my boss has always asked me to handle her with kid gloves. She's a valued part of the team and an outstanding teacher.

Anyhow, I think she started crossing the line yesterday.

First, she asked me to sub two of her classes today. Actually, she asked me this before the pet died, so this was no a surprise. The surprise was the lesson plan. I was to show a video of the dog's birthday party and lead the students in a "celebration of life" for the pooch.

At this point, I called my boss and, together, we put the kibbosh on this. We told her we sympathize with what she's going through, but this wasn't an appropriate use of school time. The students, we believe, should be focused on their studies during school hours. We suggested that she consider doing this after school if the students really needed to grieve for her dog - she felt that they did, but agreed not to hold a Canine Wake.

Furthermore, I gave her some information about a free grief counseling service our company offers.

This morning, however, several students approached me while I was subbing her class with great concern. They reported that she was taking her dog's medicine in class. "The dog is inside me now" she allegedly said.

Of course, students sometimes misinterpret what they see. It bothers me that my teacher's behavior has been so unusual lately that I wasn't able to immediately discount this. I told the students that I would look into it, but also said that, perhaps, she was joking around or perhaps they misinterpreted what they saw and heard. They admitted that this could be possible, but that they were pretty sure it went down the way they described.

Anyhow, I told them that we should be patient with her out of respect for the fact that she's currently heartbroken. They were sympathetic, but pretty freaked out.

She's out until Monday morning. Obviously, I need to have a chat with her about this.

I'd like to suggest more forcefully that she go to see the grief counselor, but I want to do my best to respect the fact that she is genuinely depressed about this and respect the possibility that the students might have misunderstood the situation.

My training has not prepared me for dealing with this sort of situation. I'm flying on empathy, concern for my colleague and concern for the students here.

How can I fairly determine whether she is experiencing a genuine mental issue or if the students have misinterpreted some of her behavior? If she is experiencing a mental issue, what's the best way of addressing this so that she can get the help she needs?

I'd like some practical advice on how I can best approach this meeting on Monday.

Thank you for your help. She's a gifted teacher.

Too Soon for a Widower to Date?

jennak — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 19:15:39 -0800

How soon is too soon to start dating after the death of a spouse? All the websites I've read have been for widows and widowers and tell them not to feel guilty for moving on with their lives after the passing of their loved one. But surely there really *is* such a thing as too soon? A month and a half ago, my stepmother passed away after a short but difficult bout with cancer. I helped out with arrangements, and tried to comfort my dad during the days after her death. She was a difficult person to get along with, and as a result, me and my entire extended family have had a strained relationship with him. It meant a lot to me that we could become closer during his time of need.

I've noticed over the past weeks that he has been out a lot (he's never home when I call), and he recently mentioned that he's been going out with the (very nice) single next-door neighbor about three times a week.

Last week, he called me out of the blue and asked if I would mind if he pursued an annullment from his first wife (my mother). I don't really mind, and I was a bit distracted because I was working, so I told him go for it.

But in talking with my grandmother this weekend, I discovered that he is dating the neighbor, and more importantly, learned that this is why he wants to pursue an annullment (as the neighbor is Catholic). I'm fairly certain that nothing was going on before my stepmother's passing.

He told my grandmother that he won't do anything for 2 years, but I'm still concerned. I tried to call him to talk to him directly about the matter (my stepmother's voice is still on the voicemail), but he's been out so much, I haven't been able to reach him.

I can't figure out if my reaction is because we became close and now I feel like I'm back on the outside again, or if my concern is legit. Isn't 7 weeks too soon for him to be dating?

Dealing with Sudden Death

atayah — Wed, 30 May 2007 14:26:26 -0800

Processing and dealing with a sudden death. My mother died suddenly and unexpectedly of a brain aneurysm a little over a week ago. She was 54. I'm 25. We were very close. I spent a week where I grew up making arrangements with my father (I'm an only child). The service and viewing were simple. My mother had a rough life, a history of abuse in her childhood, and, in many ways--even from her own mouth--I know she was "ready to go," even if the event was unexpected.

I've cried, but not in over a week. I gave my Mother's eulogy. In the time I was home, I went to favorite places of ours. My friends are endlessly sympathetic and supportive. My partner, who went through grieving a grandfather last fall, takes wonderful care of me. I have a beautiful new apartment, three cats, a job I enjoy which I returned to today. She knew I was successful and strong and taken care of. She also knew that I loved her, of that I have no doubt. I know, in my own personal faith, she is still with me.

Right now, I feel okay. So, as it is, I am waiting for the proverbial shit to hit the fan. I've read up on past AskMeFi questions--and know that there is really no difference, but the death was so unexpected; she wasn't ill--at least that we knew of. I know I have barely had time to process it. I know it's barely real to me yet.

I feel like I have all the "answers" to all the questions I can ask, but, my questions:

1) I know there are "no expectations," but right now I feel as if I am processing the logical aspect of her death, but nothing really emotional. I know and understand all the reasons why this is happening, and that there is no specific timeline, but what are steps I can take to prepare myself for the next few weeks, months, etc? (I am internalizing This like a mantra, yes, and have reread this thread several times.)
I tend to be of the, "Make everyone think I'm fine / don't show weakness / Debbie Downer," ilk, but have been intentionally reaching out for help, even if my emotions aren't connecting on all levels yet. This, of course, can break suddenly or push me to the level of being stubborn or whiny mess to my partner. Any ways to counteract besides being deliberate and self-conscious of my emotional landscape?

2) Any grief counseling ideas? I live in the Metro DC area, and am currently on temporary insurance and on a tight budget. Online communities? Websites? (This looks promising...)

3) Tips for taking care of myself physically. I am an emotional eater and was, before this, starting an eating/exercise regime. I had the thought, last week, that "Oh, maybe this will put me off my apetite." Heh. Not so much. I'm hoping for a, "treadmill every day, go get on treadmill when I have urge to eat," which will work at home, but I've got a sedentary office job (which will become more physical during the summer, but for now). I didn't bring any sweets with me to the office today, but then a woman hawking printing services came by and gave me a box of tiny chocolates. No good. This will be the hardest thing, physically, for me to overcome and deal with at this time.

The geek in me turns to MetaFilter for your suggestions and experiences. This will be my own road, I know it; I feel like I need some guidance while I'm still numb.

How to talk to friends about death and illness if you hate talking about it?

Anonymous — Wed, 16 May 2007 15:41:53 -0800

I have a hard time talking to my friends about other people's terminal illnesses and/or deaths. I'd like to get better at this. A close friend of the family who has had cancer for a long time took a turn for the worse and died in a very short timespan recently. Most of my friends didn't know her except anecdotally through me. I didn't (and don't) know how to tell them. At the end of last year my Mom had a very bad cancer scare which is now mostly dealt with for now, though it may recur. I find it almost impossible to talk about these things with people other than my family.

I have an okay time dealing with my own emotions on the subject. I am a pretty private person when faced with strong emotions, but I do okay. I talk to my family pretty well and have siblings I'm close to. However, I find it really difficult to talk to my friends -- both close friends and less close friends, as well as co-workers and colleagues -- about this sort of thing, especially while it's going on. On the other hand, I feel that I should say something because I am obviously not myself and people who care about me would want to know why. I feel like I need to change this also because telling people weeks later that someone close to me died last month seems... weird. When my Mom was going to the hospital and later in the hospital I didn't tell anyone until I had to (when I took time off of work). I didn't think that was optimal. I like my friends and they like me and I'd like to be able to talk to them about this sort of thing more easily.

I can't even explain this behavior except that I feel that there's never a right time to bring up really bad news and I'm carrying a fair amount of stress about it already and I'm not at my best. I feel like I'm dropping a bomb into a conversation, making people uncomfortable, making me uncomfortable (because often I don't want to talk about it, I just want to inform people and go back to my own thoughts on the subject and that seems rude if they have questions) and I definitely don't want sympathy or someone asking "How's your Mom?" every day [where the answer is "Still don't know, but thanks for bringing it up again, it makes me feel bad every single time!" or "You don't even know her." and that's just not appropriate]. Many of my friends are wonderful graceful people with this sort of thing, so it's not even about worrying about their reactions, it's my own weird very personal grief and anxiety process that I'd like to work on.

I feel that once I've told people that they become part of the whole "wait and see what happens" process and even though I know that's how illnesses and medical situations work out, I hate the whole process so much that I don't want anyone else to suffer through it with me. I don't want to "keep people in the loop" when I have a hard enough time being in the loop myself. That said, I need to get better at this and would appreciate advice, either general or specific, about how to both broach these difficult subjects seemingly out of the blue, and also try to politely indicate that while I appreciate people's concern I really prefer to deal with this sort of thing on my own without seeming ruder than I already feel.

So, if you've dealt with this sort of thing personally in a way that worked for you, or if you could recommend things to read or websites to look at to help me get better at this, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

Suggestions for online grief support

jrossi4r — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 17:10:09 -0800

Can anyone personally recommend a support site and/or community specifically for people grieving from cancer, brain cancer if possible? Failing that, can you suggest any non-religious sites devoted to grieving in general?

Timeframe for grieving?

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 13:09:40 -0800

Grieffilter: Is he still grieving his wife, even though it's been so long? Need advice on my relationship with a widower... I need advice on my relationship with a widowed man. A little background, and a longish post…

I have been seeing an older man for five months. He was married for 25 years before his wife passed away from a terminal illness. She passed away 15 years ago, on Christmas. According to others who knew both of them, she was the love of his life. He dealt with the loss by throwing himself into his work (he is a scientist). He worked all day, almost every day, by his own account. He did this for about 12 years until his sister died of cancer. He told me that shortly after his sister’s death, he had an epiphany of sorts, and decided that he needed to live life again. That was when he started to date again.

I know that he was in a serious relationship as recently as last year. It was a distance relationship, of sorts (not a long distance, but a couple hours drive). He went to visit her with the intention of proposing, and instead found out that she had been seeing someone else. He did not tell me about this relationship, rather, I found out through a mutual acquaintance. It was the first relationship he had been in since his wife's passing.

He approached me, and we hit it off. We have a lot in common and have a great time together. However, there are a few things that bother me, and since I don’t have any experience with this, I seek help from MeFi.

I have never been married, so I don’t know what it is like to lose a spouse (or parent even). I don’t know how long men grieve, or if the grief process is lifelong. He will frequently mention her in conversation, and I don’t know if I should take this as an indication that he really isn’t ready to date (and may never be). His house hasn’t changed since they moved into it a couple of years before she became ill. Her clothes and personal possessions aren’t there. She had her friends come in and help her pack things up and send them away while he was at work, so that he wouldn’t have to deal with it after she was gone. But there are little things around his house, and most of the décor is her work. It doesn’t bother me, but do most people hang on to things like that, even after so many years? Do they talk about them frequently and still refer to the deceased as ‘my wife’ or ‘my husband’? I just want to understand what is normal. How will I know if I am involved with someone who isn’t ready or willing (or whatever) to move on with their life? (I tried to think of the best way to phrase that, and I don’t think that I succeeded. I am not trying to be insensitive, and I hope that those reading this understand what I am trying to say.)

I guess I have general relationship questions as well, as I don’t have so much experience in that arena, either. He used to spend as much time with me as possible (new relationship stuff, I guess?) Now he is working on publishing a book, so he wants to work on his book more, and tells me that he will spend time with me later. I understand that he has publishing deadlines and such, and I might be reading too much into it. He has said (when we have a disagreement usually) that he needs to decide what he wants, as far as a relationship or whatever. He said that he never argued with his wife, and if there is any confrontation between us at all, he does the hermit crab thing and retreats into his shell. I do know that we are exclusive. But he is not the best communicator. He shows his affection in non-verbal ways, I guess. He buys me little gifts whenever he has to travel, and likes to take me shopping and out to nice restaurants, and he usually cooks dinner for me. Things like that.

Earlier in the relationship, he was the one who told me that he loved me, and he seemed very excited about the relationship. I have a condition that manifests itself in rage episodes, which are usually not directed at the person present. After one of these rages (which do not happen very often any more-I work very hard to keep things under control as much as possible), I usually don’t remember what I was angry about, or even what I said. It used to be much worse, I would throw things. He is aware of my condition, but was still surprised the first time he witnessed a rage episode. We talked about it after that, and he seemed to understand better, but since then, he does not tell me that he loves me, and seems much more reserved about things (understandably, I guess).

I guess I don’t know how to take this. To me, if you really love someone, it wouldn’t change overnight (with the exception of really extreme circumstances maybe). Do I take his hesitation as a sign that he’s “just not that into me”? Or is five months the point where one gets kind of comfortable in the relationship, and gets a little lazy? There are times when I feel like I am a trophy or plaything, and I don’t know if that is a ‘standard female reaction’, or if I could be having valid feelings. Is it possible that by burying himself in his work, he never really grieved the loss of his wife? Could he still doing this by working endlessly, trying to avoid facing his feelings? How does one know if someone is still grieving, or just remembering someone fondly? I tried asking him about it once, and he answered my questions, but said that he would not like to talk about it anymore (too painful). Is there anything I can do to help him? Is it hopeless, and should I just give up, because he isn’t over her and never will be? Is dating more difficult, and therefore moves at a slower pace, after the loss of a spouse? I am looking for insight into this sort of situation, or anything remotely similar.

FWIW, I am a paid member of MeFi, but I posted this anonymously for certain reasons. I do have an email if anyone has specific questions or private advice to offer. Any help that can be provided would be greatly appreciated. Email me at griefhelpplease@hotmail.com. Thank you.

Homicide in the family

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Nov 2004 12:11:27 -0800

My cousin and his family were found dead yesterday. While he and I were not close in recent years because we'd lost touch, I feel deep sadness for what my aunt and uncle are going through. (I am still in touch with them.) This leaves me with two questions. What is the normal process of a homicide investigation? What is an appropriate/meaningful way to show support to my aunt and uncle even though I live out of state and am completely unable to attend any funeral arrangements which may be made?

A grief observed...

rorycberger — Fri, 03 Sep 2004 17:00:11 -0800

SympathyFilter: What's the best way to help my girlfriend deal with the passing of a family member? Difficulty level=other side of the country. [Morbid inside] Truly sorry about the pun, couldn't help myself.

Anyway, the details: her grandfather's health has been declining for a while, and they've sort of been on standby for this the past couple of months, but I guess he took a sudden turn for the worse yesterday, and got even worse this morning, prompting her to drive home (from college, 2.5 hours away) and he passed away this afternoon just before she got there. So far I sent flowers (to her) right away, before he had actually died, but I'd like to do more. I've heard people say that things like bringing food, giving rides, etc. can be a real help during these situations, but I'm too far for any of that. I've never met the grandfather and have stayed with the family a few times, but am not that close with them yet, so I don't want to overstep my bounds. Should I just be resigned to talking to her on the phone, or are there other things that I can do? Should I send flowers for the funeral as well? Oh, and if anyone has location-specific suggestions, they are in the Philadelphia area.

Murder shrine in front of my house

aacheson — Fri, 02 Jul 2004 09:53:16 -0800

So, a murder happened in front of my house while we were on vacation last week. Now there is a shrine there around my tree about 5 feet from the bottom of my steps and people coming by day and night leaving stuff and lighting candles.

I don't mind the shrine, but how long do I leave that stuff there? How can I get people to not leave candles burning there (I am worried about fire danger.) Am I responsible for disposing of the stuff?

I have some ideas, but would like some suggestions.

Here's a link to the info about the murder.
http://www.timesstar.com/Stories/0,1413,125~1486~2236893,00.html

How to mourn

trharlan — Mon, 22 Dec 2003 08:15:00 -0800

What's the best way to mourn the passing of a loved one? What's the best way to help one's family grieve?