Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with grieving

Help me get this book out of my office and onto shelves.

Sophie1 — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 08:55:12 -0800

I need a new name!!! I've written a book for friends and non-primary caregiver family (NOT for primary caregivers) regarding illness and death. The book includes things you can do and say as a friend or peripheral relative for someone in the hospital, at home bedridden, survivors of violence, young people, older people, grieving families. It also includes some of the things not to do and say.

I have a name for the book but it seems not to be working with publishers/agents. I'm not going to write the name because it tends to influence what people think about the book. Second, I can't for the life of me, come up with an elevator speech that makes sense which is probably preventing me from getting it sold.

Pretty much everyone who has reviewed the completed manuscript says a version of "OMG, I so needed this when my (mother/spouse/ friend) was in the hospital. Why hasn't this been published? Can I have a copy to give to my ______?" I had an agent for two years but she pretty much didn't do anything with it and I ended our contract.

So, my two questions are,
(1) What should I name this book? and
(2) Can you come up with an elevator speech that makes sense?

For the moment, I don't want to self-publish for various reasons. So there's that.

Thank you in advance for all of your help.

Oh, also, I have a very long and very strong background in health/illness/grief and social services.

I spent EIGHT months for you! And for WHAT?!

divabat — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 05:00:05 -0800

I feel like I'm going through a breakup - only it isn't with a person, it's with an intangible thing. I know intellectually that I'll get better, but it's just been the first few days and I'm hurting so much. How do I heal? Something I've been working on for about 8 months straight has ended for me (not in my favour) and I'm feeling very odd, strange, sick.

I'm going through all the stages of grief, and then some - angry because I spent all that time on essentially nothing, sadness that I didn't get what I hoped for, thankful that I don't have to deal with some people that don't respect me, disappointed that I don't get to deal with the people I quite adored, upset that the disrespectful people were chosen over me, sour grapes that "well if that's how they'll be then I'm glad I'm not going!!", lost because I don't know what to do next, etc etc. All those emotions are piling in the pit of my stomach and they are making me really really nauseous - though I can't throw up.

This isn't the biggest disappointment I've ever had to face. I've faced things of this level before. It takes time and I don't quite notice when I recover, but it happens eventually. There has been a lot that I've learnt through this process, so it's not a complete waste. I know that I'll eventually get better, move on, find something else. I know all that intellectually.

Yet I still can't get rid of all those emotions making me ill. I've got about a few days to go before I head back for Australia, and I'm in the middle of nowhere (parents' house), so there isn't much to distract me. I have a website to make and a few books to read, but I can't even concentrate - I just feel sleepy or ill. My parents are trying to help...but it's not quite working at the moment.

As soon as I arrive in Australia, I have a week-long summit, followed by my last uni semester. It's all work experience stuff so there aren't any regular classes, but even until now I don't quite know how my schedule is like (you have to apply for projects; I'm still waiting to hear which ones I've got. I also arranged them in the expectation that this project would work out and now I have to probably rearrange stuff). I won't be near my comforting boyfriend, or my other usual distractions/stuff that helps, till about the 11th. That's a while away. I'm looking forward to the summit, but I'm worried that I won't be able to concentrate or give my best.

This thing I've been working on was meant to be my next step after uni, and now I have nothing. (Some of my other plans have collapsed too due to factors outside my control.) While I know I still have a few months before I have to think about it, and I don't have to rush into anything, I can't help but feel totally empty and lost. I was counting on this to be freedom, but now I feel just as trapped - doesn't help that my mum's pushing me to get permanent residency when (a) the rules change so quickly (b) the likelihood is rare.

I'm trying to look for other options, but at this point I don't know what I even WANT to do. This massive fall is making me wary of bringing my hopes up. I gave up on a lot of opportunities so that I could focus on this one thing - I felt that if I didn't give it enough attention I wouldn't do so well. Didn't work anyway. So now I don't know what to do.

Is it strange to feel like you're going through a breakup, when you haven't even broken up with ANYONE? I've heard the reasons for what happened and they actually paint me in a good light - but that doesn't make me any less sad. The last time I was disappointed it took me about a month to recover, so maybe I'm just being impatient, but I hate having only my anguish to wallow in. These manic emotions and sickness is driving me mad.

What can I do? What could I do at least for the next few days before I head back to Australia (or even when I'm there, because I'm sure I'm not going to recover THAT quickly even with a summit, work experience, and boyfriend to distract me). How do I get myself past this disappointment and be brave enough to look out & explore other opportunities? Will eating a pint of ice cream help?

(I have gone through a breakup, but it wasn't long and we were back together, and the time in between was mostly spent trying to fix our issues.)

What do I do? How do I cope? This sucks.

How To Address a Co-Worker's Possible Undiagnosed Psychological Issue

Joey Michaels — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 16:01:10 -0800

My employee may or may not have a genuine psychological problem. How should I address this? One of the teachers that I supervise recently lost a beloved pet. This teacher has always had a reputation for being quirky, sometimes pleasantly so, sometimes not so pleasantly so.

I am a sort of borderline obsessive pet owner myself, so I sympathize with the pain she's going through.

However, some of the ways that she has been expressing her sorrow are, well, unusual. One is even troubling.

She started this week by placing posters up all over the office of her deceased dog with its "born on" and "died on" dates around the office.

She then made memory cards of her pet and gave each of us one.

When anyone she handed a card to asked her what happened, she snapped "don't ask me about it." Later, she placed post its with the message "don't ask me about it" on all of the posters.

She's been prone to doing things like this in the past and my boss has always asked me to handle her with kid gloves. She's a valued part of the team and an outstanding teacher.

Anyhow, I think she started crossing the line yesterday.

First, she asked me to sub two of her classes today. Actually, she asked me this before the pet died, so this was no a surprise. The surprise was the lesson plan. I was to show a video of the dog's birthday party and lead the students in a "celebration of life" for the pooch.

At this point, I called my boss and, together, we put the kibbosh on this. We told her we sympathize with what she's going through, but this wasn't an appropriate use of school time. The students, we believe, should be focused on their studies during school hours. We suggested that she consider doing this after school if the students really needed to grieve for her dog - she felt that they did, but agreed not to hold a Canine Wake.

Furthermore, I gave her some information about a free grief counseling service our company offers.

This morning, however, several students approached me while I was subbing her class with great concern. They reported that she was taking her dog's medicine in class. "The dog is inside me now" she allegedly said.

Of course, students sometimes misinterpret what they see. It bothers me that my teacher's behavior has been so unusual lately that I wasn't able to immediately discount this. I told the students that I would look into it, but also said that, perhaps, she was joking around or perhaps they misinterpreted what they saw and heard. They admitted that this could be possible, but that they were pretty sure it went down the way they described.

Anyhow, I told them that we should be patient with her out of respect for the fact that she's currently heartbroken. They were sympathetic, but pretty freaked out.

She's out until Monday morning. Obviously, I need to have a chat with her about this.

I'd like to suggest more forcefully that she go to see the grief counselor, but I want to do my best to respect the fact that she is genuinely depressed about this and respect the possibility that the students might have misunderstood the situation.

My training has not prepared me for dealing with this sort of situation. I'm flying on empathy, concern for my colleague and concern for the students here.

How can I fairly determine whether she is experiencing a genuine mental issue or if the students have misinterpreted some of her behavior? If she is experiencing a mental issue, what's the best way of addressing this so that she can get the help she needs?

I'd like some practical advice on how I can best approach this meeting on Monday.

Thank you for your help. She's a gifted teacher.

Too Soon for a Widower to Date?

jennak — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 19:15:39 -0800

How soon is too soon to start dating after the death of a spouse? All the websites I've read have been for widows and widowers and tell them not to feel guilty for moving on with their lives after the passing of their loved one. But surely there really *is* such a thing as too soon? A month and a half ago, my stepmother passed away after a short but difficult bout with cancer. I helped out with arrangements, and tried to comfort my dad during the days after her death. She was a difficult person to get along with, and as a result, me and my entire extended family have had a strained relationship with him. It meant a lot to me that we could become closer during his time of need.

I've noticed over the past weeks that he has been out a lot (he's never home when I call), and he recently mentioned that he's been going out with the (very nice) single next-door neighbor about three times a week.

Last week, he called me out of the blue and asked if I would mind if he pursued an annullment from his first wife (my mother). I don't really mind, and I was a bit distracted because I was working, so I told him go for it.

But in talking with my grandmother this weekend, I discovered that he is dating the neighbor, and more importantly, learned that this is why he wants to pursue an annullment (as the neighbor is Catholic). I'm fairly certain that nothing was going on before my stepmother's passing.

He told my grandmother that he won't do anything for 2 years, but I'm still concerned. I tried to call him to talk to him directly about the matter (my stepmother's voice is still on the voicemail), but he's been out so much, I haven't been able to reach him.

I can't figure out if my reaction is because we became close and now I feel like I'm back on the outside again, or if my concern is legit. Isn't 7 weeks too soon for him to be dating?

Dealing with Sudden Death

atayah — Wed, 30 May 2007 14:26:26 -0800

Processing and dealing with a sudden death. My mother died suddenly and unexpectedly of a brain aneurysm a little over a week ago. She was 54. I'm 25. We were very close. I spent a week where I grew up making arrangements with my father (I'm an only child). The service and viewing were simple. My mother had a rough life, a history of abuse in her childhood, and, in many ways--even from her own mouth--I know she was "ready to go," even if the event was unexpected.

I've cried, but not in over a week. I gave my Mother's eulogy. In the time I was home, I went to favorite places of ours. My friends are endlessly sympathetic and supportive. My partner, who went through grieving a grandfather last fall, takes wonderful care of me. I have a beautiful new apartment, three cats, a job I enjoy which I returned to today. She knew I was successful and strong and taken care of. She also knew that I loved her, of that I have no doubt. I know, in my own personal faith, she is still with me.

Right now, I feel okay. So, as it is, I am waiting for the proverbial shit to hit the fan. I've read up on past AskMeFi questions--and know that there is really no difference, but the death was so unexpected; she wasn't ill--at least that we knew of. I know I have barely had time to process it. I know it's barely real to me yet.

I feel like I have all the "answers" to all the questions I can ask, but, my questions:

1) I know there are "no expectations," but right now I feel as if I am processing the logical aspect of her death, but nothing really emotional. I know and understand all the reasons why this is happening, and that there is no specific timeline, but what are steps I can take to prepare myself for the next few weeks, months, etc? (I am internalizing This like a mantra, yes, and have reread this thread several times.)
I tend to be of the, "Make everyone think I'm fine / don't show weakness / Debbie Downer," ilk, but have been intentionally reaching out for help, even if my emotions aren't connecting on all levels yet. This, of course, can break suddenly or push me to the level of being stubborn or whiny mess to my partner. Any ways to counteract besides being deliberate and self-conscious of my emotional landscape?

2) Any grief counseling ideas? I live in the Metro DC area, and am currently on temporary insurance and on a tight budget. Online communities? Websites? (This looks promising...)

3) Tips for taking care of myself physically. I am an emotional eater and was, before this, starting an eating/exercise regime. I had the thought, last week, that "Oh, maybe this will put me off my apetite." Heh. Not so much. I'm hoping for a, "treadmill every day, go get on treadmill when I have urge to eat," which will work at home, but I've got a sedentary office job (which will become more physical during the summer, but for now). I didn't bring any sweets with me to the office today, but then a woman hawking printing services came by and gave me a box of tiny chocolates. No good. This will be the hardest thing, physically, for me to overcome and deal with at this time.

The geek in me turns to MetaFilter for your suggestions and experiences. This will be my own road, I know it; I feel like I need some guidance while I'm still numb.

How to talk to friends about death and illness if you hate talking about it?

Anonymous — Wed, 16 May 2007 15:41:53 -0800

I have a hard time talking to my friends about other people's terminal illnesses and/or deaths. I'd like to get better at this. A close friend of the family who has had cancer for a long time took a turn for the worse and died in a very short timespan recently. Most of my friends didn't know her except anecdotally through me. I didn't (and don't) know how to tell them. At the end of last year my Mom had a very bad cancer scare which is now mostly dealt with for now, though it may recur. I find it almost impossible to talk about these things with people other than my family.

I have an okay time dealing with my own emotions on the subject. I am a pretty private person when faced with strong emotions, but I do okay. I talk to my family pretty well and have siblings I'm close to. However, I find it really difficult to talk to my friends -- both close friends and less close friends, as well as co-workers and colleagues -- about this sort of thing, especially while it's going on. On the other hand, I feel that I should say something because I am obviously not myself and people who care about me would want to know why. I feel like I need to change this also because telling people weeks later that someone close to me died last month seems... weird. When my Mom was going to the hospital and later in the hospital I didn't tell anyone until I had to (when I took time off of work). I didn't think that was optimal. I like my friends and they like me and I'd like to be able to talk to them about this sort of thing more easily.

I can't even explain this behavior except that I feel that there's never a right time to bring up really bad news and I'm carrying a fair amount of stress about it already and I'm not at my best. I feel like I'm dropping a bomb into a conversation, making people uncomfortable, making me uncomfortable (because often I don't want to talk about it, I just want to inform people and go back to my own thoughts on the subject and that seems rude if they have questions) and I definitely don't want sympathy or someone asking "How's your Mom?" every day [where the answer is "Still don't know, but thanks for bringing it up again, it makes me feel bad every single time!" or "You don't even know her." and that's just not appropriate]. Many of my friends are wonderful graceful people with this sort of thing, so it's not even about worrying about their reactions, it's my own weird very personal grief and anxiety process that I'd like to work on.

I feel that once I've told people that they become part of the whole "wait and see what happens" process and even though I know that's how illnesses and medical situations work out, I hate the whole process so much that I don't want anyone else to suffer through it with me. I don't want to "keep people in the loop" when I have a hard enough time being in the loop myself. That said, I need to get better at this and would appreciate advice, either general or specific, about how to both broach these difficult subjects seemingly out of the blue, and also try to politely indicate that while I appreciate people's concern I really prefer to deal with this sort of thing on my own without seeming ruder than I already feel.

So, if you've dealt with this sort of thing personally in a way that worked for you, or if you could recommend things to read or websites to look at to help me get better at this, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

Suggestions for online grief support

jrossi4r — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 17:10:09 -0800

Can anyone personally recommend a support site and/or community specifically for people grieving from cancer, brain cancer if possible? Failing that, can you suggest any non-religious sites devoted to grieving in general?

Timeframe for grieving?

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 13:09:40 -0800

Grieffilter: Is he still grieving his wife, even though it's been so long? Need advice on my relationship with a widower... I need advice on my relationship with a widowed man. A little background, and a longish post…

I have been seeing an older man for five months. He was married for 25 years before his wife passed away from a terminal illness. She passed away 15 years ago, on Christmas. According to others who knew both of them, she was the love of his life. He dealt with the loss by throwing himself into his work (he is a scientist). He worked all day, almost every day, by his own account. He did this for about 12 years until his sister died of cancer. He told me that shortly after his sister’s death, he had an epiphany of sorts, and decided that he needed to live life again. That was when he started to date again.

I know that he was in a serious relationship as recently as last year. It was a distance relationship, of sorts (not a long distance, but a couple hours drive). He went to visit her with the intention of proposing, and instead found out that she had been seeing someone else. He did not tell me about this relationship, rather, I found out through a mutual acquaintance. It was the first relationship he had been in since his wife's passing.

He approached me, and we hit it off. We have a lot in common and have a great time together. However, there are a few things that bother me, and since I don’t have any experience with this, I seek help from MeFi.

I have never been married, so I don’t know what it is like to lose a spouse (or parent even). I don’t know how long men grieve, or if the grief process is lifelong. He will frequently mention her in conversation, and I don’t know if I should take this as an indication that he really isn’t ready to date (and may never be). His house hasn’t changed since they moved into it a couple of years before she became ill. Her clothes and personal possessions aren’t there. She had her friends come in and help her pack things up and send them away while he was at work, so that he wouldn’t have to deal with it after she was gone. But there are little things around his house, and most of the décor is her work. It doesn’t bother me, but do most people hang on to things like that, even after so many years? Do they talk about them frequently and still refer to the deceased as ‘my wife’ or ‘my husband’? I just want to understand what is normal. How will I know if I am involved with someone who isn’t ready or willing (or whatever) to move on with their life? (I tried to think of the best way to phrase that, and I don’t think that I succeeded. I am not trying to be insensitive, and I hope that those reading this understand what I am trying to say.)

I guess I have general relationship questions as well, as I don’t have so much experience in that arena, either. He used to spend as much time with me as possible (new relationship stuff, I guess?) Now he is working on publishing a book, so he wants to work on his book more, and tells me that he will spend time with me later. I understand that he has publishing deadlines and such, and I might be reading too much into it. He has said (when we have a disagreement usually) that he needs to decide what he wants, as far as a relationship or whatever. He said that he never argued with his wife, and if there is any confrontation between us at all, he does the hermit crab thing and retreats into his shell. I do know that we are exclusive. But he is not the best communicator. He shows his affection in non-verbal ways, I guess. He buys me little gifts whenever he has to travel, and likes to take me shopping and out to nice restaurants, and he usually cooks dinner for me. Things like that.

Earlier in the relationship, he was the one who told me that he loved me, and he seemed very excited about the relationship. I have a condition that manifests itself in rage episodes, which are usually not directed at the person present. After one of these rages (which do not happen very often any more-I work very hard to keep things under control as much as possible), I usually don’t remember what I was angry about, or even what I said. It used to be much worse, I would throw things. He is aware of my condition, but was still surprised the first time he witnessed a rage episode. We talked about it after that, and he seemed to understand better, but since then, he does not tell me that he loves me, and seems much more reserved about things (understandably, I guess).

I guess I don’t know how to take this. To me, if you really love someone, it wouldn’t change overnight (with the exception of really extreme circumstances maybe). Do I take his hesitation as a sign that he’s “just not that into me”? Or is five months the point where one gets kind of comfortable in the relationship, and gets a little lazy? There are times when I feel like I am a trophy or plaything, and I don’t know if that is a ‘standard female reaction’, or if I could be having valid feelings. Is it possible that by burying himself in his work, he never really grieved the loss of his wife? Could he still doing this by working endlessly, trying to avoid facing his feelings? How does one know if someone is still grieving, or just remembering someone fondly? I tried asking him about it once, and he answered my questions, but said that he would not like to talk about it anymore (too painful). Is there anything I can do to help him? Is it hopeless, and should I just give up, because he isn’t over her and never will be? Is dating more difficult, and therefore moves at a slower pace, after the loss of a spouse? I am looking for insight into this sort of situation, or anything remotely similar.

FWIW, I am a paid member of MeFi, but I posted this anonymously for certain reasons. I do have an email if anyone has specific questions or private advice to offer. Any help that can be provided would be greatly appreciated. Email me at griefhelpplease@hotmail.com. Thank you.

Question number 12284

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Nov 2004 12:11:27 -0800

My cousin and his family were found dead yesterday. While he and I were not close in recent years because we'd lost touch, I feel deep sadness for what my aunt and uncle are going through. (I am still in touch with them.) This leaves me with two questions. What is the normal process of a homicide investigation? What is an appropriate/meaningful way to show support to my aunt and uncle even though I live out of state and am completely unable to attend any funeral arrangements which may be made?

Question number 9913

rorycberger — Fri, 03 Sep 2004 17:00:11 -0800

SympathyFilter: What's the best way to help my girlfriend deal with the passing of a family member? Difficulty level=other side of the country. [Morbid inside]

Question number 8414

aacheson — Fri, 02 Jul 2004 09:53:16 -0800

So, a murder happened in front of my house while we were on vacation last week. Now there is a shrine there around my tree about 5 feet from the bottom of my steps and people coming by day and night leaving stuff and lighting candles.

I don't mind the shrine, but how long do I leave that stuff there? How can I get people to not leave candles burning there (I am worried about fire danger.) Am I responsible for disposing of the stuff?

I have some ideas, but would like some suggestions.

Here's a link to the info about the murder.
http://www.timesstar.com/Stories/0,1413,125~1486~2236893,00.html

Question number 4103

trharlan — Mon, 22 Dec 2003 08:15:00 -0800

What's the best way to mourn the passing of a loved one? What's the best way to help one's family grieve?