Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with grief

Sorry for your loss and by the way you're a terrible person

green_flash — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:48:55 -0800

I've been told that it's not uncommon for friends to either ignore or drop you after you've been through the process of death/dying of a loved one. Good or bad, sometimes people just can't deal with that type of situation. However I've had 2 friends in recent months go off on me, tell me that I'm a terrible person, and that I'd said/done something that offended me so much that they don't want to be my friend anymore. Both accusations took me by surprise and I'm now wondering, did they wait to say anything to me until after my loved one passed? I just spent a really long and really draining/sad period of my life taking care of a dying family member. The grief process is hard and I'm learning that besides missing this person and the frustration of taking care of them, I have a lot of anger/depression just from watching them die painfully and before their time. I'm not the easiest person in the world to be around, but I've had a lot of wonderful people reach out to me to let me know that they've been through this experience and I will too. It's also been hard because like most people, I'm worried about what the economy could do to my job and I also just went through a cancer scare (false positive thank God). So I can be sarcastic, depressed and moody, but most people have told me that under the circumstances, it's a completely normal reaction.

However in the recent months since this death, I've had two different friends go off on me about things I've said/done and how I'm just a terrible/insensitive person. Now, one of the lessons I've taken away from this death is being aware of my shortcomings and striving to be a kinder, more patient and more forgiving person. So while I certainly did take the valid criticisms of these friends to heart and apologized for any pain I've caused them, in both cases I've been told "Well, you just don't get it."

I can understand not wanting to add to the stress of somebody who was in my situation and how sometimes people allow resentments to add up until it comes spilling out. And I can definitely pinpoint the shortcomings I have in my relationships and try to work on being a kinder, more patient person. What I can't understand though, is getting told off in this manner. If the situation were reversed, even if I were incredibly angry/offended by somebody, I just can't see myself confronting them in that manner if they'd just gone through the type of experience I just had. Or at least I would have said something in maybe more of a gentler manner, knowing that this person is already going through a pretty hard time in their life.

Also I would guess it makes a difference, but these are both very buttoned down personalities. It's pretty hard to get either one of them to be open about themselves and their feelings. So in general I feel like the friendship has sort of run its course because I'm the polar opposite. I like to be up front with people about what's going on inside my head, which may be the trait that each person is finally reacting against.

Letting go of God: Help me deal with my atheism and the five stages of grief. I'm in the fourth stage now.

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 08:57:30 -0800

Please give advice on how to accept my atheism, let go of God and the need for one, how to get over the fourth stage of grief/letting go (depression), and how to find my passion for life again! Hello, hivemind.

I'm from a totally Bible-banging family (Creationists, End Timers, warped-Republicans, sexist, homophobic and a little racist). I haven't been a Christian for going on six years now, ever since I read the Bible all the way through and decided it was a total piece of junk filled with violence and hatred toward other faiths, women, etc. I know I don't believe in the Christian God, or, it seems, any religion or philosophy akin to it (no, not even Buddhism), as I have read many religious texts, apologetics and more besides and just don't feel there's any evidence for any of it. Simply put, I appear to be an atheist...at least as far as labels go.

The unfortunate thing is that I'm not handling this too well, and it has recently occurred to me that I have been going through what can best be identified as the five stages of grief, which just annoys me to no end! (I'd just like to get on with my life!) The whole not believing in God/gods thing has really been like a death in the family, so to speak...it's frustrating and painful. I'm specifically not having what I would consider healthy reactions to my lack of faith, which is a major reason that I've chosen to post this, rather than just rely on the great advice that I could find in similar questions from the past.

Maybe I should first talk about the five stages.

For one year, I was in denial. Even though I didn't believe in God, I continued to say that I did and tried to push through. I came up with lots of excuses as to why my doubts were happening. I read a lot of Christian apologetics that I didn't agree with in that time, in an attempt to act like things were okay with me and the Big Aggressive Creator in the Sky. I even avoided competing ideas. I prayed lots. I lived as closely to the Bible as I could, without totally ripping myself of my own thoughts regarding ethics and morality.

That didn't work, and I ended up getting angry. I was angry at the concept of God, angry that I couldn't seem to believe in it and angry that I had believed in what I felt was myth. I was angry at my family for bringing me up in extremism, as well as at all the borderline-abusive things they did in God's name, all the things they kept me from, because they were "of the devil". I was angry that I couldn't have lived "normally, like most people", in either moderate faith or no faith. In a weird sort of way, I was even angry that I was having to think about any of it. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to go back to the blind faith I'd had or bypass all of it, but I was angry that the issue had cropped up. I read everything I could get my hands on at this time, be it scientific or religious. I feel like I read more during this time than any other time of my life. I wanted to learn, so I could actually form my own opinions.

Another six months to a year passed, and bargaining began. I tried to live some form of very mild Christianity to agnosticism (Jesus was a good man; the Bible's a good "moral" text), thinking, "If I just do this, it will be the best of both worlds. I won't have any more problems. Things can work out this way." The idea was that I could still keep up with a religious community, be everyone's friend, etc. The reality, however, was that I began to identify less and less with Christians/Christianity/more religious people on the whole, with only a few exceptions, and that more of my friends slowly but surely ended up being agnostic, all the way to militant atheists. Not trying to step on any Mefi toes, but to be honest, the agnostics/atheists in my life were the only ones who didn't seem to be insecure, lying jerks most of the time, so it seems almost inevitable that things turned out the way they did. (Big disclaimer!!: I know this does not represent all Christians, just my experiences with some of them. I still even have some Christian friends, but not many.) I didn't go searching for my "heathen" friends, but we found each other. We gravitated toward one another, as our core philosophies were now similar. I also found/find myself annoyed by most religious people these days, but I never say/do anything regarding that. I try to accept where possible and be silent, when I feel myself unable. I married a mild-mannered, sugar-sweet atheist guy. My watered-down Christianity turned to full-blown agnosticism around the time I met him, as a result of all these experiences and changes.

I was happy with my agnosticism for a year, to year and a half, but recently I've noticed, as far as labels go, I am more of an atheist. To this very moment, though, I've not said aloud to anyone, not even my husband, that I actually consider myself an atheist. I don't know why the label means as much as it does, other than I know that if religious people dislike me now as an unbeliever, many will hate me as an atheist, even if that's what I most closely identify with... I guess I can't help but not want people to not hate me, even if they're extremist whack jobs. The label means a lot to me, too, though, because I'm really tired of lying about how I feel and think.

This seems to have put me in the fourth stage of grief, depression. I feel sad that I can't buy into the comforting stories I once did, sad that I can't agree with my family as far as faith goes, sad that I'm not accepted by tons of religious people (including family) when they find out I'm an unbeliever (even when I am accepting toward them), sad that I no longer believe in life after death or guiding forces in the universe. I think we are here, we die, and that's it, and that notion depresses me. I don't think there's any evidence to the contrary, however, so I'm bound to it...whether I like it or not. I know we can't know what happens "on the other side", but I highly doubt it's anything spectacular. I highly doubt it's anything at all.

I want to get to the fifth stage of grief, where I accept myself and the death of my religion and faith, but it just seems so impossible at this stage. As said, some of my reactions to my own atheism aren't healthy. For instance, I have lost my passion for a lot of life, which is bad for me in more ways than one, considering I am a professional artist and writer and need to feel and create accordingly. I miss my sense of wonder. I feel wonder at the universe, but it's a head-wonder, not a heart-wonder, like I felt with spirituality. I'll agree with Carl Sagan and my fellow atheists and agnostics that it's amazing to think about how statistically unlikely it is that I'm here, that the planet works the way it does, etc. I'll agree that, because of all these things and my finite time here on earth, I should value every second I have and live it to the fullest, without apology...

But I can't seem to...

I am amazed by the world, but that doesn't drive me. In fact, it's all the opposite. It makes me feel like there's no point. Amazement is just part of it, but it doesn't particularly mean much. I realize that, without "something behind everything", it doesn't matter one iota (speaking from a selfish perspective here) whether I build great things or just sit on my couch and rot, whether I live to be 100 or die tomorrow. It will matter to some, but not to many, and not for long. It's like, what am I trying to prove to anyone or to myself now? How on earth does any of it matter if it's just this tiny bit of time I have? I'd like to help people, and while I realize that while I do touch some people's lives, and that does make me happy, the odds are against my helping a significant number of people in my lifetime, try as I might, so it all feels a little hopeless and pointless still. Death depresses me immensely, and rather than living my life more fully as a result, I just have ended up somewhat stagnant...blahed and mehed out.

Please note that I'm actually not depressed in other areas of my life, just this one. But it does...influence...the other areas, from a foundational perspective, so it definitely needs to be seen to. I think it's affecting more, too, as time goes by. I appreciate the concept of life, but I don't really feel compelled to do much with it now, without the notion of some sort of equilibrium in the universe (carried out by a creator, karma, whatever). I mean, I do what I need to and try my best, but I'm not striving toward things like I once was. Without a reason behind things, so much stuff in the world seems overwhelmingly random and unfair and out of my control. (I think this is one of the reasons there are so many moderate Christians, even. People keep some idea of God, just so they can pray about the things they can't control, to comfort themselves.) I can't even pray about any of it, though, and I think the concept of sending good thoughts toward it all is just as silly. I've tried giving myself rituals, but it just doesn't work. I always feel silly.

So, hivemind, I guess what I want to know, after all my heathen rambling, is how do I peacefully come to accept my lack of faith and not having a god in the world? How do I regain passion for life, despite feeling everything is off balance without a godly figure? I've tried listening and reading some things, like Julia Sweeney's personal story, and while helpful and something I could identify well with, it's never gotten me over the hump. I'd appreciate personal advice, recommendations of what to read/listen to/do...anything, really.

Throw-away email: atheistic.blues@gmail.com

Thanks, guys and gals.

How do we even begin to deal with the murder of our friend?

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:04:14 -0800

My boyfriend and I have a friend who was just killed for seemingly no reason. I am trying to come to terms with this, and help him at the same time. Less than a week ago, one of my boyfriend's best friends was found shot and killed. No suspects, no motive, no way of currently knowing how he got where he was found. He was a great friend to my boyfriend, as they are both from the same small town and relocated here. He would come over often and stay for a day or two with us. One of his work shirts is still hanging in our closet.

I suppose my question has many parts, and is both specific to the terrible way in which we lost him, and pertinent to grieving in general.

First, how do I best help my boyfriend through this? I knew his friend for the duration of our relationship (3-4 years), but he has known him since childhood. He has been very stoic, but has never even lost a grandparent and I want to do everything possible for him. I have lost many family members, but it was always through illness or old age. This is a different beast entirely.

How do we deal with the fact that we may never know who did this to him, or why it happened? I know homicide investigations take quite a while, but it is torturous to imagine never knowing anything more. Should we contact the detectives working on this case again for updates, or just... wait? Since we are not family, I am not sure if there is set protocol on this.

Is there some sort of set of guidelines, a book recommendation or something else, to know what to do right now to cope? My family and friends are calling, but I don't feel like seeing anyone. I forced myself to do a couple things with friends last weekend, and went to work on Saturday, but I was pretty exhausted afterward. I have taken this week off from work and school, and am trying to work up the energy to even email in my homework. I've just kind of been a numb lump on the couch, for the most part. I guess this is par for the course, but is there something more productive I could be doing with my time? Will keeping busy with normal activities help to distract from the crushing reality? ...Or, is being distracted even good? Is it better to deal with this first before entering the real world again?

I'd like to turn off the graphic images in my head. I lay out all of the possible things that could have happened, all the horrible things that could have been done to him. I wonder if he knew he was going to die before it happened. I hope he wasn't scared. I feel like this type of thinking is detrimental to my health and sleep patterns, but can't turn it off.

Additionally, in the long term, are there good strategies/activities to make our days a little brighter? At the moment, there is a huge hole in our lives, but I randomly started looking at pictures of kittens up for adoption today and it was a pleasant distraction for a bit. Now we are talking about maybe getting a kitty sometime in the immediate future. Would it be wise to jump into something like that so soon, or should we wait on the decision to expand our "family"?

As a side note, I approached the subject of grief counseling with my boyfriend, and even looked up a few therapists in the area. He said, "not yet, maybe after the funeral." We both know it will be beneficial to go through that process soon.

Any and all anecdotes, wise words, stories, etc. are welcome. I know I asked about 25 questions. Thank you all in advance.

Throwaway email: wemisshim@gmail.com

worst day at work ever or what?

nerdcore — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:33:12 -0800

My coworker came to work and shot himself today. I was the only person to talk to him and was one of the first people to reach him after he did it. I'm planning on speaking with the grief counselors they're bringing in tomorrow. But I'm wondering if there are any resources I should know about for people in a situation like mine, specifically: witnesses of the suicide of a coworker or friend. In case the details are relevant: they are below. My coworker, J called in from the front door (which is locked) needing to be let in. I went to open the door for him and he was visibly drunk. I asked him if he was okay, he said no and as he headed for his cubicle, I grabbed our HR person to let them know that J had just come in and didn't look good, seemed drunk. About 5 seconds later our IT guy started yelling "oh my god" and I ran over to the cubicle.

J was bleeding from his head and ear, I didn't know what it was at first, but I could smell the burning hair. Someone else called 911; I asked if we needed to check his pulse but there was a lot of blood and I was scared to touch him.

I wasn't so close with J that we hung out outside of work, but we were on the same web/technology team so I talked with him almost every day. His mom had died a few months ago and he took it pretty hard. Some of my other coworkers were closer with him, and had been reaching out to help him. I guess it was too late for that.

I keep seeing him in my head, and I can't get the memory of the smell out of my head either. If I try not to think about it, I start worrying that ignoring it is bad too, and I guess I'm just trying to figure out what is "normal" for a situation like this. I think what I'm looking for is, perhaps, some information about how others have dealt with similar experiences.

How to express condolences with estranged neighbor?

keith0718 — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 14:26:41 -0800

Our somewhat estranged neighbors just lost their 19 y/o son in a tragic accident. How do we communicate our sympathies? We had a small disagreement with them when we first moved here and because of that bad impression we've never really developed a relationship with them. We're civil, but there's tension. I'm going out of my mind trying to think of an appropriate response to their inconceivable loss. They have tons of support from family and friends. They don't need ours...but I want to communicate our condolences in an appropriate manner.

How do I cope with my grieving Mom?

Monsters — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 11:41:18 -0800

My mother's grief is overwhelming me. How do I keep my cool? My Dad died in late December of last year. I am my mom's only kid in the same city (I have a sibling but she lives on the west coast; I'm in the midwest). For the past 9 months my mom's grief has draped across my life and I don't think I can cope anymore.

I'm in the second year of a Masters program and am planning to go on to a PhD. So this is a very busy time- I have to take standardized tests, apply to and visit potential PhD programs, and (oh yeah) write a thesis. This is on top of regular coursework and the 20-hour-a-week research assistantship that pays for my tuition.

I love my mom and we've always had a pretty great, close relationship. But her grief is overwhelming me. I try to call her daily and see her at least once a week, give her lots of support and make sure she is looking after herself. Every few months or so she calls me demanding that I drop everything and drive 45 minutes to her house to hug her. The most stressful part of this is that I have my own grief- but in order to be emotionally strong enough to support my mom in her grief I distance myself from my own grief about the death of my dad, who was my hero.

I've told my mom she needs professional help and found her the number of a psychologist who specializes in traumatic grief right down the street from her house. She hasn't made an appointment.

I try to be as supportive as possible, but my patience is wearing thin. More and more I find myself lashing out at her when she calls me in tears, asking that I drop everything and go to her house to take care of her. That isn't the kind of daughter I want to be- this woman raised me and I owe her better than I've been giving lately. How do I manage my frustration when I'm with my mom so I can give her the support she obviously deeply needs?

Book gift recommendations for a professor who lost a child?

dhn — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 17:08:49 -0800

Book gift recommendations for a professor who lost a child? I don't even know if I should get such a gift--but one of my professors lost his child recently (April 2009) to juvenile ALS, after watching her wither away for a year. She became sick in the Fall of 2007, and I was in his class when he told us, nearly breaking down, that our grades would be late because he had to fly back and forth to specialists for his daughter. He's returning to teach next week after having taken the last year and a half off. I want to express my belated condolences somehow. He is a wonderful teacher and such a good man. I imagine I will write a note. Would that be appropriate? I was also thinking a book gift, but the only book I can think of is Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking, which I am almost _certain_ he has received. I mean, I would imagine that he has this book. Can you recommend any other book or gift? Or should I refrain from expressing any sentiment or giving any gift, rather than remind him of of the sadness?

Help me help them now that she's passed on

Unicorn on the cob — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 09:41:54 -0800

My grandmother died this morning. I'm going home to help out the family, but I would like to make a list of things I might not remember before I leave so that we don't forget anything. This is the third death in my family since March, and unfortunately, my dad and aunt are overwhelmed right now so I've offered to take some time off to go home and help.

Dad is dealing with my baby sister's wedding at the beginning of next month and my aunt has health and family issues of her own, so I have been asked to go home and help pack up and disseminate things like clothing, shoes, purses, etc. while my aunt figures out what to do with furniture and financial assets. I'm the only one in the family without small children who lives nearby that can help out, I'm just inexperienced with things like this and want to make sure I cover as much as I can while I'm there.

We have to prepare the home for sale now that both grandparents have died. I wanted to make a checklist before I went of things to do, like:

1. Call all her doctors, dentist, hairdresser and nail person and cancel upcoming appointments.

2. Get copies of the death certificate and mail to all utilities with a written request to terminate services.

3. Take plants/flowers left over from the funeral and donate them to the local hospitals and hospices (I can do this, right?).

4. Should I shred things like paid bills, unused checks, deposit slips, that sort of thing? I have a small shredder I can take with me.

5. How do I cancel her mail if she's deceased? Should I put in a forwarding address to my dad or aunt's address and let one of them deal with cards or random mail that trickles in after the bills are taken care of?

6. The house is already in my aunt's name, so putting the house up for sale should not be a problem, nor should the taxes, etc. is there anything I might not know about regarding that which I could pass on to my aunt (i.e., you've sold a home after a death and something was different/odd about it vs. a regular home sale)?

7. Photos. I've been tasked with taking hundreds of older photos and creating a digital archive so that family members can access, save and print copies if they so choose. Any suggestions on software? Paid services that would make this easier than me scanning them in myself? Picasa vs. Flickr? Etc.

8. Online memorial page. My grandfather has one through the WWII memorial service; can I create one for her online, too? It would be nice to have a URL I can point people to that cannot attend the service this weekend and where I could post photos and information about her. Does such a site/service exist? Have you used it, and did you like it?

Any suggestions from those of you who have had to box up and dissolve another person's life, thank you in advance. I've read old threads like this and this and they were helpful, I'm trying to think of the post-memorial service stuff that people assume others are taking care of so I can take care of it myself this time.

I'm sure my grandmother had a will; I'm not worried about legal stuff, dividing assets, that sort of thing. I'm thinking of the more banal stuff that you don't realize you need to do after you've planned the service and had the funeral. Thanks, everyone.

I have two friends; their parents are (separately) dying. How to help? Neither are in U.S./U.K./CAN.

taz — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 05:04:37 -0800

I would like to help my friends, if I can; two of them are individually dealing with incredibly stressful and sad health-related situations related to their parents. Friend one: I know her very well (via internet). Her father is dying, and it's end-stage, but it may take months and months. It's a terrible situation, because he's at home (as per his wish), and when he can speak, only says he wants to die. They have medical care, there's not a problem of money, but in terms of emotional pain and stress for her and her mother, it's dire. Their extended family live on another continent, and my friend's closest friends have all moved far away recently, so it's really just her and her mom dealing with this, essentially in isolation in terms of emotional support (and her mom is an expat, and I understand how this can be even more isolating and limiting). How can I help her? Are there any books that were valuable to you if you were any sort of similar situation? Is there an online forum that is high-quality, smart, helpful, warm, for people in this position? I doubt that there are support groups where she is, or much of that sort of help at all. (If you want to know what country, email or memail me, but I'm pretty sure it's not promising.)

My friend is a very smart, strong woman, career-successful in a highly sexist culture, so has an amazing amount of daily stress with her job, and must remain always calm, cool, always in control... which makes me worry about her even more, since now she has to also practice the same stoicism at home, day in and day out, and night after night. I know she can barely sleep, and there's no possibility of getting away from it. She can take time from the job, but she can't go away, and that would just leave her at home 24/7 with that special suffering.

Any advice about how to help very gratefully accepted.

Friend 2: I don't know so well, an internet acquaintance from a BB, and he might well be scamming, but I really don't think so. (2.5 years at that site* and always generous and giving as a poster; never talking about his personal/private stuff at all; never talking about money or any personal trouble at all. An on-topic friendly, helpful guy.)

His mother needs a transplant; he has most of the money, but lacks about $5,000 U.S. He appealed to the BB we both frequent, but of course the discussion was shut down. I told him to check out Modest Needs, after checking that they had "outside of U.S." and also "urgent health care" categories. But he told me that they do not extend their services to his country (India). Is there anything similar that he might look into? It just kills me that $5,000 might save his mom's life, though, yes, I realize that this is repeated a million times all over the world.

Don't worry about me, I don't have money to give away, but if there is any other sort of organization that vetts requests and makes it easy to donate (paypal), or any other options to check out, I'd like to tell him about it.

*: This BB is not metafilter or metachat; the person is not a metaverse person

One minute I held the key, next the walls were closed on me...

cobain_angel — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 19:24:57 -0800

Help me go back to being a happy girl. Here it goes. This may get long, so please bear with me.

I'd always been a very bright and cheerful person who pretty much walked through the pains of life with a smile on my face. I was always convinced that anything I'd need from life I would get by means of working hard to get it. To me, nothing was impossible. This attitude about life took me through a stressful childhood (alcoholism, abuse), a move to a different country (the US), learning the new language (English!) in six months or so, and dealing with complicated situations at home (same situations as childhood). I was always eccentric (a good friend of mine referred to me once as "insane, but in a good way"), artistic, and willing to try all sorts of new things. Two years ago I met a wonderful young man and we embarked in what has truly been the best relationship I have ever had.
All of this changed last summer. I was preparing to go to a college I'd been wanting to go to for a while. I got accepted and so did my boyfriend. We were ecstatic and everything was ready. However, due to a completely unexpected problem with banking bureaucracy over in Mexico (my home country) I was left unable to attend the college I wanted. This shattered my confidence; for the first time, I was forced to face the fact that there were some things that I just was unable to change. I was able to pull myself together well enough to register for the city's community college in time, while my boyfriend would attend "our" college by himself three hours away. I was completely devastated, and felt betrayed by my boyfriend. Though he was sad, it was an exciting experience for him. I felt abandoned and needed him very much, but also understood that going to college was important and that he wasn't abandoning me. He was as supportive as he could and made sure that I always had an outlet to my frustrations. We talked every day, and tried to keep things as happy as we could without stifling any emotions.
As the months passed, I went from being the girl described above to being a lonely, sad person. I stopped trying out new things and enjoying the things I used to love before. I went from not having enough hours in the day to do what I wanted to spending afternoons sitting on my couch doing nothing at all. My muses for painting, drawing, writing and crafting went dead. Even though my boyfriend visited practically every week, I stopped being the affectionate, fiery girlfriend I used to be and barely even kissed or touched my boyfriend; our sex lives pretty much disappeared. I felt unable to take on any relatively big tasks, feeling that I wasn't in control of my life. The only thing that I was able to do well was keep my grades up.
Now the school year is over and my boyfriend is back from college. He found it disappointing and regrets it, no doubt in part because of me. Our relationship feels damaged. We don't fight, and we are still very loving and caring with each other. But he misses the girlfriend he left behind. I am very sad with the way I have become, but I have no idea of what to do to go back to being the same girl I used to be. What can I do?

Feel miserable, trying to establish friendship.

giggleknickers — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 16:10:45 -0800

I'm lonely but I don't want to be around anyone. Please advise how to get through this grief. A whole bunch of really bad events have happened in my life recently, one on top of the other. I feel absolutely awful.

What do you do in times like this? You turn to friends right? Thing is, one of the awful things that happened had all my friends gang up on me like we were back in junior high (We're in our 30's for goodness sake), because someone said that I did something I actually didn't. They refuse to even hear my side of the story. I don't want to try and win them over any more because now I don't feel like they were ever really my friends in the first place.

What I feel like doing is sitting at home eating ice cream and feeling sorry for myself. But I refused to, and I spent the last month forcing myself to go out and do things and meet new people, because then I'll feel better. Unfortunately, it just seems to make me feel worse when I'm out somewhere with lots of great, nice, friendly people but I'm just feeling miserable.

I can't seem to really establish a relationship with anyone, so that the "people I hang out with" friends become "people I love and trust and depend on" friends. I guess that takes time, right? It's a Catch 22 because I really need that type of friend right now, but I'm in the wrong state of mind to evolve that kind of friendship.

It may be relevant to disclose that I'm on anti-depressants and have been for around a year and a half. They work great, but this isn't depression. This is grief, and there's no pill for that.

I really thought that just going out and doing things and keeping busy was the answer, but nothing seems to distract me from feeling miserable.

So, I'm sorry if I don't have a clear, direct question. Just hoping for some general advice. I guess the question is: What do I do?

Damn you, Universe, for victimizing me!

LOLAttorney2009 — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 20:33:54 -0800

What is the "language of victimization"? I don't get it. More context to that behind the fold. Recently, I've been grieving the loss of my 16-year old cat. To help me, a friend sent me this. In the fifth paragraph, the author (allegedly Deepak Chopra) wrote: "Having defined specifically the exact emotion you are experiencing, whether it is fear, anger, guilt, depression, or grief, express the origins of this feeling to yourself through writing or journaling. Be careful not to use the language of victimization."

What? So I can't play the victim while grieving my loss? You mean I can't blame the Universe and whatever horrible, evil higher power there might be that took her from me? What am I missing here? In this context, what does the 'language of victimization' really refer to or mean?

How do I cope with bitterness and vengefulness toward my ex?

Anonymous — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 11:28:31 -0800

My husband of 17 years had an affair and left me for someone else. Three years later, I’m still feeling bitter and vengeful. Please help me cope. Three years ago, my husband (now ex-) had an affair and left me for someone else. We had been married for 17 years, were both in our mid-forties, and had no kids by choice.

The woman he left me for was married, has four kids, and was cheating on her husband with my ex. They met in an online game. Within a few months of starting the online affair, he started sending her money behind my back, he suddenly realized he wanted kids, and they decided they were meant to be together. He quit his job, divorced me, emptied our joint bank account, and moved across the country to take a new job and be with her, all within the space of about six months. I’ve had no contact with him ever since. None of his family or friends speak to me anymore, so I have no idea where he is or what happened to him after he left.

It astounded me that the man I’d known, loved, and lived with for 17 years was capable of doing something like this. Seventeen years! No one who knew him (or thought they did, anyway) ever would have predicted it. I’m not even sure he himself knew why he did it. His family and friends were as shocked and blindsided as I was. Some tried to talk him out of it, and one even tried to warn him that his new love interest might have been taking him for a ride, but he wouldn’t hear a word of it.

Losing him was devastating, especially under conditions like this. I loved him with all my heart. Even when there was emotional distance there was still sexual chemistry between us, up to and including the day he left, which confused me even more.

For more than a year, I was completely wrecked. I could barely even function. Sometimes I look at photos of myself from right before the divorce, and compare them to photos taken two years later, and it’s as if I aged ten years in that time.

Throughout the divorce process, he insisted that he still loved me and never set out to hurt me, but just couldn’t be with me anymore because he had to go ‘find himself’ and date other people. He even had the nerve to try to maintain a ‘friendship’ with me after this betrayal. I refused. It hurt to cut him out of my life entirely, but I had to do it, because it hurt even more to try to downgrade things to ‘friendship.’ Every contact I had with him was like the emotional version of re-opening a sucking chest wound.

Although I’ve moved on in some ways, I feel like I’ve been scarred for life by this loss, and healing is a very slow process. On the surface, I’m doing all right. I have good relationships with my two sisters. I have friends and a job, though I make very little money and I’m in debt. Except for a short fling, I haven’t dated since he left, and I’m lonely. I’ve tried online dating, and I attend night classes and various events, but haven’t met anyone I click with. (Dating in your forties is a whole different ball game than dating in your twenties, I’ve found. It’s kind of depressing).

The thing that still torments me the most, though, is that even after all this time, I’m still struggling with feelings of bitterness and vengefulness. I have not forgiven him for what he did, and to be honest I don’t even know if I’m capable of it. I can’t help but think that forgiveness is somewhat overrated.

I’ve tried therapy and all kinds of other things to work through all this, including mindfulness meditation, exercise, getting perspective by reading about people who have it worse than me, reading self-help books (the no-bullshit kind, not the fluffy saccharine kind), and writing him icy and rage-filled letters (none of which were actually sent, because I promised myself that no matter how bad it got, I would always maintain my dignity, and not behave like a crazy ex). All these things have helped to a certain extent, yet I still wonder how I could have been blindsided like this. I once prided myself on being a fairly good judge of character.

I’ve made some progress, at least. I can tell the burden is lighter than it was a year ago. Yet underneath it all, I still feel tattered and torn. I used to be confident, but now my self-image feels damaged. Although I know I’m better off without him, I miss the tenderness and love I once felt toward him. Things still feel unsettled. I know I’ll never see him again, and I won’t ever get an apology. I’m doing my best to move on with my life anyway.

But there is also a part of me, a part I’m not so proud of, that wants to see him reap what he has sown. My friends tell me that people who do things like this eventually get their comeuppance. I don’t know if I actually believe in karma, but I’m clinging to the idea anyway because it comforts me, especially when I’m struggling financially while he (as far as I know) is doing just fine. Is it really true that karma's a bitch? And if it were, would it even make any difference?

I still don’t understand what could have driven him to do something like this. Maybe I never will. But I’m tired of this dragging on and on. I want to find some kind of peace, if not resolution. How do I do this?

Personal experiences welcome. Throwaway email: blindsided.ex at gmail dot com.

What helps after a suicide?

dbmcd — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 08:10:49 -0800

How can I help a suicide's widow? A dear friend committed suicide yesterday. My husband and I were notified by a mutual friend because the dead man thought of my husband as a friend (one of his few, I think). His partner (they never married) is staying with some closer friends for now. My question is: What can I/we do to help her? A tiny bit of background - he had struggled with depression for years, and the last time we saw him he'd been through another tough bout, he described it as his worst in years. Now his pain is gone, but hers remains.
We immediately offered to "do anything she may need". But I have the sense that kind of offer is too vague for this kind of situation. Should we call? Show up and say "How can we help?" She's got a small business and her partner used to help out quite a bit; I'm currently unemployed, so could possibly be of some use to her.
Any of you who have been in position (and my heart goes out to you) - what was the 'best' help you got? What isn't so useful.
Thanks so much for your help.

My friend thinks she's selfish for wanting her dogs back.

Anonymous — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 22:06:41 -0800

How do I convince my friend that she didn't make a mistake in choosing to put her dogs down, and that she's not selfish for missing them. On Monday my very close friend had to make the hard decision, along with her husband, to put down her dogs. We knew it was coming... Petey had rectal cancer with tumors and infection, requiring washing his behind every few days, and Patches fell a lot and had been wearing a diaper for a few months due to incontinence. But Monday morning Petey fell for the first time and could not get up, and would not stop yelping and, as she put it, "screaming." The dogs had pain pills from the vet and they had to give Petey 5 pills to get him to stop crying. Having been together their whole lives, she decided to have them both put down at the same time. Her family, and the vet, thought it was probably a little past time to have them put down. The vet had told her late last year to consider it.

Now she keeps second-guessing her decision, saying that maybe she should have kept Patches a little longer, since he wasn't really suffering. Or that she could have helped them both for another week until their birthday, when they would have turned 17. (Their birthday was the day before her own, and I don't think having them put down closer to her birthday would have helped her at all. She already doesn't want to celebrate it this year.)

Not only is she second-guessing herself, she also thinks she is a horrible, selfish person, because she wants them back. She knows that it was kind to end their suffering, but she says she would rather have them suffer here for one more night and have them with her, than to have them gone. I've tried telling her that missing them and wanting them back is just a normal part of grief, but she still thinks she's an awful person.

I'm at a loss as to how to help her any further. Is there anything more I can say or do to address her feelings of selfishness, other than be there to support her and assure her it's normal to wish they were still alive? She does believe they're in a better place, whether Heaven or the Rainbow Bridge or wherever.

Have you grown your family through surrogacy?

bunnycup — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 15:27:39 -0800

Calling all experiences with surrogate pregnancy - on any side of the equation. I am considering having a child through a surrogate mother, and wondered if anyone had any anecdotes, experience, advice, warnings, etc. I (very) recently lost a child and am physically unable to become pregnant again. In considering whether to adopt or to pursue surrogacy, I am in search of any Mefiverse collective thoughts or experiences on surrogacy. I have read some online resources and will be shortly pursuing a meeting with a lawyer who handles surrogacy, but in the short term, your anecdotes may be helpful. I am particularly concerned about what the experience is REALLY like (for both sides, for Moms, for Dads, etc.), and the ways in which I might be manipulated (emotionally, financially, etc.) by surrogacy and conception clinics. As an example, one promises to match a carrying mother and intended family within 14 days - that seems ridiculously short and somewhat suspect. The issue is not so much the time, but that seems like a "hook" promise designed to prey on me, somehow.

PLEASE: The loss of my child is recent. I AM seeing a grief and family support counselor, weekly. I do NOT intend on rushing through this process too quickly, but see no reason to delay getting educated. I am also considering adoption, but this question is NOT "adoption versus surrogacy". I appreciate that surrogacy is medically and legally complicated, all will of course be pursuing the appropriate channels of guidance, should I take this path. Thank you.

Above us, only sky...

Metroid Baby — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 13:43:34 -0800

Someone close to me recently passed away. For the most part I'm okay, but what stops me in my tracks is the idea that there may not be an afterlife. How do I come to terms with this? My dad died last month after a year-long battle with cancer. I was expecting him to stick around for a little while longer, but all of us knew that it was inevitable, and we were as prepared as anyone could be. Dad was happy, went peacefully, and even considered death to be something of an adventure.

Generally speaking, I'm doing okay. I miss him terribly, but I'm grateful to have had him be a part of my life. I'm grateful for all the people who have shared memories of Dad and let us know how much they appreciated him. I'm a little more teary-eyed these days, but on the whole I'm functional and my grief seems to be pretty manageable.

There's just one thing.

A few days after the funeral, I was home alone and realized: What if there's no afterlife? It hit me like a ton of bricks, and it still keeps me up at night sometimes. I had been okay with the idea of my father being deceased, but the idea of my father being completely nonexistent terrifies me. Until recently, it didn't occur to me that those two things might be one and the same.

I consider myself agnostic; reason leads me to believe that there is no higher power, but I'm not always a person of reason. Dad was a pretty spiritual guy, particularly in the last year, and although he didn’t talk about heaven, and admitted he didn't know what happens to us after we die, he did believe that something of us stuck around, continued on, after the end of physical life.

I always figured that if there was an "other side," and if it were possible for the dead to reach back and contact us from that other side, that Dad would certainly do it. I desperately wanted him to be right. As silly as it might sound, on some level I was expecting some sort of Obi-Wan Kenobi apparition, for Dad to appear and tell me that the Force was with me all along.

But with each passing day I'm less and less sure that's possible.

I've wrestled with the thought of death being the end before, but always in the context of my own mortality. These days, I'm not particularly concerned with what will happen to me, just the idea that Dad is totally and completely gone forever. I've looked at previous AskMes about grief, the afterlife, and mortality, but I haven't found anything that really addresses this particular issue.

I can't be the only person to wrestle with this – I'm guessing this issue is what first led people to believe in an afterlife. But I'm not sure how to wrap my head around it. I'm wondering if anyone might have any advice, or can point me toward something to read that might help me sort out my thoughts, or if this is just something that I'll figure out with time.

I appreciate your help and apologize if this question meanders a bit or sounds ridiculous. Thanks as always.

How to grieve while maintaining a life

fiasco — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:59:58 -0800

How do I simultaneously save my personal and professional life in this time of grief over my father's two year anniversary? Is this grief even "real" so to speak, or an excuse to explain some other issue(s)? This month has been very difficult for me. Initially, I couldn't put my finger on what was troubling me within the first week or so. I was (and still am) drinking heavily, constantly stressed, experiencing sleeping and diet irregularities, and feeling completely desolate. It then came to my attention that on the 13th was the two year anniversary of my father's death. I thought this might have something to do with explaining my sudden erratic behavior? Despite this epiphany, I basically bottled it up but tended to cry in privacy quite a bit.

Anyway, my work schedule was already posted for the week my father passed and unfortunately, I was scheduled for over fourteen hours on the 13th. Instead of reasonably explaining to my employer that I wanted the day off due to personal issues, etcetera, I decided to suck it up and get on with it. In many ways I agree with this work ethic. It has been two years since his unexpected passing. The difficulties of this situation is that a) I was the last to see him alive and the first to see him dead. I accidentally ran into the room before they had a chance to clean his body up; b) our family was expecting a recovery as my father was young and strong; and c) before I had left the night before, my father made me promise to buy my mother a Valentine's present as he hadn't been able to. And I did buy my mom a present. I drove to the store after I found out he had passed, crying, and I bought the gift he had specified. I've bought her one since.

Another thing that might factor into it is that I neglected to visit him as much as I should have while he was alive and in the hospital due to work. I never took any days off to visit him. After his death, I took one week of work off and then returned. I am not blind to the fact that I used work as a way to avoid the issues. It definitely bit back at me. I ended up in a series of emergency situations because I basically had a nervous breakdown. I lost a lot of friends and to this day, have very few.

Ugh, this is getting really long. My work performance on the 13th was horrible and my boss (without knowing the situation) was very upset. I just remember walking outside after the long day and just.. sobbing. I couldn't figure out why. There weren't any specific father-related memories. I just felt awful. She found out about my father's death the next day and felt terrible, saying, "Family should always come first!! If you don't tell me these things, I don't know!" She looked really upset.

My boss has been a lot more quiet around me lately and it makes me nervous. I don't think she's going to fire me but I don't know. I'm very hard on myself and I know my performance needs work. I worry about things constantly. She told me one night that she knew I was a hard worker, that I do well, but she felt indecision on my part whether I really wanted to pursue my career field. As a side note, I work in an extremely stressful competitive industry. I also work at the premier location. I basically landed my dream job. This should make me happy, right? I feel just miserable lately. I don't think it's the job. I love what I do but it's just very difficult for me to manage my stress. The company is extremely tight knit as well, a family so to speak. I think it's awesome but it also worries me. What if professionally I am there, but personally I am not? Or vice versa.

My other boss has been really concerned about me as well, going so far as to text message me to see if I'm okay and saying that we should talk. I'm not sure specifically what I've been doing to worry him so much. I know there were a few worrying events (I got wasted at the employee party) and I haven't looked especially well. I mean, there are moments where I'm laughing and chattering and whatnot but sometimes I am more quiet than usual.

I am just so unhappy and I feel so incredibly alone. I haven't talked to anyone at work about this and I don't think I should. I really don't have a personal life any longer so that option is out. I don't have health insurance. I just feel like this could get a lot worse before it gets better and I'd like some advice about what to do about my professional life (I'm so worried I'm going to be fired and I think without any real reason), how to grieve my father's death without having my head and heart explode in tandem, if my feeling down and out this month is related to me father's death, and basically, how to get better.

What can I say when my boyfriend gets scared about his Dad dying?

trampesque — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 01:02:36 -0800

What can I say when my boyfriend gets scared about his Dad dying? My boyfriend is in his mid-twenties. His father is nearly 80. A month ago, my boyfriend's uncle (his father's older brother) died age 89. This death itself wasn't too much of a blow - he was sad but never really knew his uncle and hadn't seen him in many, many years. However, it seems to have started making him think about his Dad being old, and maybe not having long left.

Last week, he got a little upset while we were in bed (just lying there, lights off) and said "I just feel really scared about him not being around any more."

I really suddenly didn't know what to say or do. I froze up completely. I just gave him a big hug for a long time, and said "I am here for you." But I feel like I was incredibly unhelpful and useless. One possible reason is, he is usually the strong one in our relationship, and never really shows his fears or sadness. So I sort of panicked. Another part is that although I listen very well, I've never felt like a particularly helpful person when people are upset.

My question, I think, is: what could/should I have said, or is it OK that I didn't really say anything, and what can I/should I say to help in the future? I know nobody can make the idea of looming death seem fine, but I'd like him to feel like he can really rely on me for advice and support, because he's so amazing to me whenever I'm upset or worried about anything.

Adult babysitting in paradise? I'd rather not.

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 07:35:08 -0800

What can my mom do about a self-destructive friend of a friend in vacation-land? My parents moved about ten years ago and my mother found a wonderful best friend in her new town (all of them are in the same age range: mid fifties). Her friend, who we shall call Sarah, introduced her to a slightly (~10 years) older couple who we will call Ted and Liz. Sarah, her husband, Ted, Liz and my parents spent a lot of time together, but my mother has always been closest to Sarah.

About three years ago, Ted was diagnosed with a late-stage cancer; he died about a year ago. Both my mother and Sarah provided Liz with a great deal of support but Liz was facing more than just the loss of her husband; he was pretty much her entire support structure. He took care of all financial matters but left her in large amounts of debt despite having assets. That was fixed with outside help. She lost a portion of her assets in the recession, but she still can be considered “wealthy”. Ted kept their social calendar full with parties and travel so Liz is not adept at scheduling.

My parents have a winter home in a semi-remote tourist destination. They often have friends come and stay with them or in rentals nearby. Liz came down last winter with Sarah for one week and stayed an extra week with my parents in their house. This year, Liz rented an efficiency for two and a half months to escape the winter up north.

The problems began as soon as she arrived:

-She booked her flight three days before her rental started, so she stayed with my parents. My mom already had two friends down for the week who took the two bedrooms. Liz complained that she wasn't given back “her” bedroom, the one she stayed in last time. She then whined at length about how “poor” she was because of the recession to one of my mom's friends, who has always been in a rather low income bracket. That got my mom rather angry, but she did not confront Liz at the time.
-Liz is allegedly taking loads of medication (of unknown variety). Her doctor is apparently a prescription vending machine (or at least his PA is). She drinks alcohol excessively and sleeps at least 10 hours a day. She barely eats and is “skin and bones” according to my mother. She also shakes visibly in the morning.
-Liz often starts off on a non-sequitur, doesn't listen to what anyone else is saying, and is basically not able to hold her end of a conversation unless she is telling one of the few stories she relates repeatedly.
-Her reasoning is odd/non-functional. An example: my mom tried to get her into a local bridge game. The leader tried to call her, but her cell was off. When my mom asked about it, Liz said she didn't want to run out of batteries. My mother suggested she recharge her phone while she sleeps, to which Liz replied, “Oh, that's a good idea”.

In short, if you skipped all that, the woman is kind of crazy. She is depressed and self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. Now my mom, who is really not good at dealing with people in a sensitive manner, is stuck with this woman. Liz has only visited this area once, and has no friends other than my mom. My mom is really only barely friends with her in the first place. Their mutual friend, Sarah, is not retired and even if she had the time, I'm not sure she'd want to spend it babysitting Liz. My mother has a full schedule of friends visiting and social obligations. Even if my mom wanted to stage some kind of intervention (which she really is loathe to do), their remote location makes any kind of outside support (such as a psychiatrist) difficult to find.

My mom is an good person but really does not want to take Liz on as some kind of “project”. Liz doesn't have any children, I've never heard her speak of relatives and her only close friend I know of is Sarah.

Liz made the “adult” decision to come down to this remote location for ten weeks and did not ask my mom to be her entertainment. My mom is torn between her moral qualms about leaving Liz to her own devices and her desire to stay away from becoming Liz's only tether to the world. Before Ted died, he was basically Liz's full-time keeper.

What can my mother do, or not do, legally, ethically and morally? Any suggestions/opinions are welcome

Throwaway email for questions: friendofafriendtrouble@gmail.com

How should I support my family after my dad's death?

Anonymous — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 09:18:50 -0800

My step-father died unexpectedly about two months ago, leaving behind my mother and my 13-year old sister. We are going through the 'normal' grieving process, but I am worried about my family and how they will get by. Is there anything that I can do to help and should I move closer to them? I am a 24 year old woman who lives a few states away from most of my family, which is mostly my mother, my little sister, and my 34-year old step-sister and her family. My mom has many friends and well-wishers in the community, but she isn't currently employed and will be living off of social security until she finds a job. My dad's life insurance will be used to pay off the parcel of land, my parents' house, and his car payments. Theoretically, the money from social security should be enough to handle the rest of my mom and my little sister's expenses.
I currently work an average paying job, doing something that I quite enjoy (it's a small family business and I get along very well with the owners and I'm learning a trade) but that isn't my 'dream job' by any means. I'm changing towns and occupations in a few months, and I'll be working as an outdoor education instructor while working towards a graduate degree in a field that I'm interested in. It's along the lines of what I've wanted to do for a while, but my dad's death has made me wonder if I should be taking care of my family.
I guess my question is, should I consider trying to find a job in my home state to help support my family, and especially my little sister? Does anyone have any advice for situation likes this – if I don't move back home, is there anything that I can do to support my family during this time? Is there a point at which I know that my family will be 'okay'? Am I being irresponsible by not moving back home to do something responsible rather than continuing to sort of live like a freewheeling hippie?

Are these feelings normal, or symptoms of depression?

alpha_betty — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 09:06:56 -0800

How do I sort out whether my feelings are due to grief, or depression, and how do I proceed after the suicide of my brother-in-law? About a month ago, I began feeling the effects of depression. Periodically throughout my life, I have had major depressive episodes (diagnosed by a physician and a psychologist separately) and I have gotten semi-used to them, so it wasn't much cause for alarm, aside from the fact that it was the first one in quite a long time.

About two weeks into my funk, my brother-in-law (remember Mike?) committed suicide. It has now been just over two weeks since he died, and I am obviously feeling a lot of things: grief for his wife and family, especially my husband, with whom he was close - and grief for Mike, for feeling that desperate and hopeless; disbelief that he did what he did and that he's really gone; guilt and regret about the feelings detailed in the linked question; and the underlying depression that I was already in the middle of.

I am not suicidal, but I feel numb. I was once on antidepressants but haven't been for about two years. My husband and I have an appointment with a counselor on Saturday, and I have purchased a book on grief to understand what I and others around me are feeling (it is en route). I am questioning whether I should go see my GP to get a prescription for antidepressants, because I am not functioning well at the moment and when I have felt like this previously, I have been extremely destructive with my life (quit my job, quit school, self-harmed, etc.). At that time, however, I was not in counseling or therapy. I know it's normal to have a period of grief after a death, but I don't know where the line is drawn as far as normal vs. needing extra help. This is my first experience with death.

So how do I determine whether my feelings and emotions are cause for intensive treatment, or if it's a normal grief experience?

(My husband, for his part, seems to be coping better than I, but I believe that he is looking forward to counseling, as well.)

I am crazy. Help.

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 07:53:52 -0800

Help me design a multi-pronged approach to dealing with longstanding depression/grief/craziness. Anonymous so I can be more explicit about my psychiatric history.

I've had depression since I was about 12. I am now 30, female, good marriage. I have had periods of remission, but things have generally gotten worse. I don't want to end up dead.

I have a family history of suicide. There are a few different possibilities for my diagnosis: dysthymia, double depression, major depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, or any combination of these. My most common symptoms are periods of extreme procrastination and paralysis, suicidal thoughts, crying, utter hopelessness. I am at college and having a complete bitch of a time getting anything done. I also work a "real job" and I often feel that I am not all there, mentally. I am spacey, have poor memory and concentration, and am often paralyzed with anxiety. My performance seems to be okay (people often have trouble understanding how I can have such serious problems when my performance seems to be acceptable) but I know that I am working far, far, far below my potential. And I feel like utter shit most of the time. I use the internet compulsively and excessively when feeling anxious. I have very low energy (I know how to eat well, and exercise makes me more sleepy, but I do it.)

I have tried the following medications: Effexor, Wellbutrin, Risperdal, Celexa. Also zopiclone for insomnia. I was on the first four in various combinations for six years, and I felt like they did nothing for my mood, merely gave me side-effects (sleepiness, no sex drive.) I gradually weened off (a hellish process) and I have little faith that drugs can help me. But I am, of course, willing to try anything. I've read books (Feeling Good, Learned Optimism, a lot of others about depression, procrastination, etc.)

I have a history of grief. I've had many family members and friends die, starting from a very young age. Thankfully, no first-degree relatives (mom dad or sib), but most have been close second-degree relatives. The suicides have especially wrecked me. The latest one was pretty recent. I also have experienced some emotionally abusive relationships, and have trauma from sexual harassment. I have very little money and may soon be laid off.

I have a couple close friends, but I do not go to them much for support with this. I am embarrassed by my troubles. I don't talk much about it with my family, though they are also aware of my history. I had several not-very-serious suicide attempts in my teens/early 20s, but none recently. I really don't want to end up like my other family members who have suicided, but I feel in my gut that is where I'm headed.

I see a therapist pretty regularly. We do CBT and work on practical stuff. I have a Dr. appointment this morning, and had one a few weeks ago as well for the depression, because I need sick notes for missed obligations at school. The doctor says I need to be back on meds. I have been given a list of other therapeutic resources to access that include Dr.s who specialize in anxiety, and gestalt therapists.

This is a very complex problem that has not been adequately addressed...ever. I was in therapy for a long time, starting when I was 16. I did interpersonal and CBT. The last psychiatrist who assessed me said I may benefit from psychodynamic approaches, but I am not sure which ones.

Really, I feel like I need to take the reins here. Despite all the professionals I have seen, I feel like none of them have good answers to give me, even the nice and helpful ones. I am sick of struggling to function day-to-day and never knowing when an episode of major depression will hit and totally fuck everything in my life up. I am angry, hopeless, and full of grief. I don't understand how people keep living when life is so consistently horrific. I look at my friends who are able to have a career + friends + hobbies + family, and I am totally dumbfounded. Is that how normal people live? Can I do that too?

I need to do something. I have to design some kind of therapy regimen. Please help me with this.

Things I think I need: grief counselling, esp for suicide survivors, perhaps some kind of schema therapy, or gestalt, or maybe DBT. I've done a bit of research on these methods, but am really confused. I've also researched medications a bit (in the past) and am at a loss for what to do now. Which therapies and medications are best for what? I feel like I cannot get a straight answer from my docs.

If you can give me some ideas for a more intense, multi-pronged regimen I can try, and give me specific names/resources I can contact in Toronto, I would really really appreciate it.

I didn't expect this when I got a dog.

Pennyblack — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 10:05:38 -0800

My dog is my best friend. She is getting older, and I worry. Will losing her wreck my (finally) happy life? I have wonderful (grown) kids, lots of friends and a full fun life but this little dog (dachshund) has filled something in me I never knew was empty. She was slow and sneaky about it. We are together 24 hours a day and understand each other completely and communicate on a weird telepathic level. She has really helped me to lighten up and just enjoy life. She's getting older and I know I could lose her anytime. I don't even really like dogs, so I can't imagine having another one. I have a pretty good understanding of myself and I'm very sure that once she goes, I will be wrecked completely and become a sad and diminished person with a broken heart. I protect myself by being pragmatically proactive, but this one stumps me. How do I deal with a grief that hasn't happened yet but surely will? Have you been through this?

How do you cope with the public loss of a close relation?

geckoinpdx — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 11:57:25 -0800

I've been debating for two weeks now but this question finally made my decision for me. I finally got around to seeing The Bridge. Bonus points for anyone who's seen it. This is a little long...I am Very Much Not OK now. [mods, if this is an inappropriate use of a question, feel free to delete, but I needed to at least try]

First off, I do have a therapist appointment. I'm not looking for a free therapy session, nor am I attempting to attention whore for condolences or sympathy. I Already Have My Own Fricking Blog.

Second, I am more than a little confused, so I am sorry if this rambles. I do have a point, and hopefully an answerable question.

OK. I grew up in and around San Francisco, and it's an unspoken fact of life that the bridge represents two things: tourists and suicides. That's just how it is.

Death and suicide don't bother me, actually they somewhat fascinate me. I was a psych major with an emphasis on thanatology. I knew about the film and had intended to see it for a long time but it was always in the list. A friend of mine had just happened to have rented it the day I went over so we watched.

It was pretty much what I expected. It seemed rather exploitative and I'm not sure they needed to show the actual deaths, but that's another topic. As I watched, something else was bothering me but I couldn't quite place it. A familiarity, an unease, something subtle and very uncomfortable. It wasn't until the very last scene, when the "star", if you like, made the final leap, and they listed the names of the dead. Then it hit me like a lead brick.

Gene Sprague.

They'd been showing him and talking about him throughout the entire film, but somehow I refused to make the connection. When I finally saw the name, yes, it really was him, it clicked.

For several years, Gene Sprague was my best friend.

We'd lost contact over the years, and hadn't been super-tight but every time I went back home he was at the usual haunts, we'd catch up and it was like nothing had changed.

It's a case of not knowing what you have until it's gone; I hadn't fully realised how much of an impact he had on me until I watched him die. It also didn't help that against my better judgment I later poked around the net and read message boards and posts about him and the film and was surprised at some of the reactions I found. 'Typical goth'? This guy, neither typical nor goth, is the only one out of a rather sizeable group of friends that took it upon themselves to take care of me when I had a breakdown. He was fucked up, obviously, but there was so much more to him than anyone who didn't know him could realise.

The reason for posting, I guess, is perspective. As I said, death and so forth does not bother me; it's a fact of life. I have watched more than a few people die. I have lost a fair number of close friends. A few to suicide. But this...this is different for some reason.

I can't describe what I'm feeling; it's all-encompassing anger and rage and pain and intense sadness and numbness and happiness and lots of other simultaneous things. I can't concentrate on much, it comes up roughly every ten minutes. I don't remember hurting quite like this ever before. At the same time, I am fascinated by my own reaction.

I'm able to function, of course, and I will be talking to a professional about this in the near future, but the statement that keeps popping up in the back of my head is this: I watched one of the best friends I ever had kill himself, and paid admission to see it.

I am autistic. Professionally diagnosed, not armchair, to spare that particular can of worms. Things don't affect me like they seem to do most other people. At the risk of getting all Star Trek "show me this Earth thing you call grief", is this what most people feel when confronted with a similar loss? Is this what the big deal is?