How do two grad students make a long distance relationship work?

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Aug 2006 09:15:36 -0800

Me: fifth year of graduate school, the midwest. Her: third year of graduate school, west coast. Us: now entering our seventh year of dating and fifth consecutive year not living in the same city. Help! My girlfriend and I met in college, and we've had a wonderful relationship ever since. But when we graduated, both of us wanted to go to graduate schools in different fields (me in computers, her in engineering), and we ended up going to schools in different cities. For a while, both of us were in schools in the Midwest about two hundred miles apart, which wasn't ideal but meant we could spend most weekends together. But then tragedy struck --- her advisor got bought up by another school out in the LA area, and due to the particular situation she was in she didn't have any reasonable academic choice other than to follow him out there (she'd otherwise be stranded at a school where nobody else studied what she studies at all). She moved out there a few months ago. Being long-distance like this is really really draining. We've already decided that we'll get married as soon as we live in the same city at the same time, but at this point it's not clear when that will be.

At this point the plan is for me to get my PhD in this coming school year and then move out to California. But I'm really worried about this plan, for two reasons: (1) I think I can finish my degree in that time, but I can't guarantee it; and (2) when I move out to California, I'm not sure I'll be able to get an academic job, particularly since she'll finish her PhD a couple years later and we'll both want to move again (neither of us is fond of LA, sorry). And it's a common scare-story among academics that if you ever leave the academy it's very difficult to get back in, so I'm uneasy about the prospect of just dropping out of the school scene while I'm out there. Getting a post-doc out there might work, but it's hardly a sure thing that I'll be able to find one in anything even vaguely approaching my academic area in the right geographical location.

On the other hand, I don't really see what other options I have. Five years living in different cities is too much, and I'm not sure how much more of it either of us can take. I'm willing to make a sacrifice for my relationship, but I'm not even sure how to do that intelligently. For instance, I could always drop out of grad school and move out there right now, but that seems like a giant waste considering how close I am to my PhD and how much more employable I am with a PhD than without. I can drop out of academia too, but my PhD is pretty much only good as preparation to do research --- I'm honestly not any more trained to do a regular programming job than I was the day I graduated college, maybe less because I'm too into frou-frou academic programming now. Maybe that's what I have to do, I don't know. (For the record, she is much less interested in becoming a professor than I; she wants to work in a research lab but more as a research assistant than as a principal investigator.) The only thing I do know is that it's absolutely not acceptable for us to end our relationship, but that the walls appear to be closing in now and every passing day makes the situation seem less tractable.

So, my questions. First, does anyone have any experience with a similar situation? Has anyone found a good way out of it? Any words of advice to help me keep my relationship? Anything at all?

A few other pieces of information you might find useful: 1. I've talked to my advisor, he seems slightly sympathetic but basically useless, as in he's got no advice and doesn't really think I ought to make any academic sacrifices for anything ever. 2. I am a boy. I realize that I haven't mentioned that yet and it might be relevant. :) 3. We're trying to see each other as much as possible this year, but it's expensive. We've got three trips planned so far, one for me to go out there and two for her to come here. 4. I've set up a throwaway email account longdistanceproblems@gmail.com if you want to ask me followup questions.

Help me with grad school ideas

zgott300 — Thu, 11 May 2006 00:34:38 -0800

What are some cool/interesting grad school programs for someone with a B.S. in physics and 7 years of programming experience but which would be outside of those fields. I'm looking to take my degree and work experience and apply them in a new direction. Some directions I'm kicking around are

1.psychology/physiology as they relate to personality disorders, depression and moods etc..

2. Renewable energy technology

3. Business school.

4. Finance & Economics

5. Possibly law

I'm still in the exploration phase, and just looking for anything to get me excited. I know there are some really interesting schools out there. I just don't know where to start. I know I've always liked research.

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How do two grad students make a long distance relationship work?

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