Trials of a Responsible Hedonist

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 13:11:11 -0800

Peripatetic, endearingly-awkward geek seeks amazing advice for casual sex shenanigans. I recently completed my first serious relationship, a year-long cohabitation. It ended, in large part because I'm just not ready to settle down - I'm young (24), and I've still got an itch to scratch (although this former girlfriend is still one of my dearest friends in the world). I travel from job to job, from oceanography in the Pacific Ocean to (as of March) a stint in Japan. This wanderlust is the bee's knees, but does not provide the foundation for serious romantic roots.

So I come to you, hive mind, to bestow me with your collective wisdom on casual sex mojo.

I am not a total novice in this arena. Of the dozen+ women I've been lucky enough to somehow bed, most have been one-nighters with women 5-10 years older than I, and whose ranks have included PhDs, a fetish model or two, and a disproportionate number of redheads. This sounds grand, until you realize that most of this action has been courtesy of: sex parties, and Craigslist.

I know - I know, OK? Not a real source of pride. But what few sex parties I've attended have always been fascinating and hilarious, even though nine times out of ten I ended up reading books (I come prepared) or dancing. My own Craigslist postings - posted here and here for your edification - prompt fan mail, but no real results (the internet is made of flakes).

Yet I have, in fact, approached (hundreds?) of women on subways and city streets (mostly in NYC) to tell them them they're gorgeous, and ask them out on the spot - most are taken, it's never proceeded past a coffee even if they're single, but 99% were grinning a mile-wide even if they said "No." (Perhaps I was too young? At its height, I was 20 or 21). Nevertheless, the abysmal success rate did do a number on my self-confidence. Fact is, I would very much like to meet a lovely lady or two in the flesh, while out on the town, and woo her by virtue of my own merits.

I just have no idea how. Help a man out.

Pros: I am, apparently, quite attractive - I regularly sport pinstripes and a fedora, and I'm informed that pictures of me prompt girly coos (which confuses no one more than me). I have a natural accent - I am often thought to be either British or Eastern European (having lived in both places), despite being born and raised in the States. I read everything I get my hands on, and have wacky tales of adventure to amuse and intrigue. I also tear up the dance floor at clubs.

Cons: I don't drink or frequent bars, depriving me of valuable social lubricant. I am effectively blind to female social cues and come-ons (friends and family have to tell me what I've missed), and I couldn't muster decent innuendo if I tried. And I worry that, at first glance, I'm really quite creepy: I can't manage small talk for the life of me, don't match any standard of hip (no drugs, infinitely obscure interests), and regularly provoke comments about my 'intensity.' I also enjoy treating people like human beings - which, I'm told, does not raucous casual sex make.

Remember: I'm looking for advice, not lectures. For your information, I have never, ever cheated on a girl, and I have never, ever had unprotected sex - despite which, I get tested every six months out of civic responsibility. I am, in fact, a big fan of falling down emotional rabbit holes with brilliant, badass women - but that's simply not what my life allows for right now.

I believe that you should leave your lovers better than you found them. Because this isn't even about sex, really - it's about having fabulous adventures with wonderful people. Just in bed.

What works? What doesn't? What might? I'm at responsiblehedonist@yahoo.com. Thank you in advance. You're all beautiful.

Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with gorgeous

Trials of a Responsible Hedonist