Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with girlfriend

What is a better gift for my recently laid-off girlfriend?

smoothvirus — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 11:09:41 -0800

One for the ladies - should I get my unemployed girlfriend some nice jewelery, or some nice green cash? So I've been dating my current girlfriend for more than three months now and things are going really well. But, she got laid off a couple of weeks ago, and she's worried about paying her rent come January if she has not found anything.

I have been in the jewelery store looking at some nice things in the $100-$200 range but have not purchased anything yet, her birthday is tomorrow. I am planning on taking her to a nice dinner tomorrow, but now that I've thought about it a bit, she might appreciate a little cash in lieu of a nice pendant.

Just for the record, her job search is going well, she has four interviews just this week. She's never been laid off/unemployed before, but I have and I never got that many interviews in a week. So I'm proud of her. She's been very worried but I have been very reassuring. I know she'll be fine.

My best friend and wife are fighting. Should I try and mediate or stay out of it?

washateria — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 08:29:36 -0800

My best friend and wife are fighting. Should I try and mediate or stay out of it? My best friend of ten years is a former boss we can call her FormerBoss/Mentor. FormerBoss/Mentor and I have a great deal of common interests and even though she can be a bit prickly we have always gotten along and enjoy each others company.

My wife of five years is a professional house painter and recently did some painting work for my FormerBoss/Mentor. The work was suppose to be only painting, but my FormerBoss/Mentor called my wife and asked her to supervise another person doing work in the house while she was there, be there to let in other workers, etc. This wasn’t part of the work but my wife did everything that was asked. There were also a couple of pictures left out to be hung and a smoke alarm to be installed with a note, saying “would you please…?” and those things were not part of the agreement and my wife did not do those things. During the week the job ended they were to see each other at an event on Friday evening and they established during a phone call that my wife was to get paid for the job that evening. That evening came and my FormerBoss/Mentor said nothing but “Sorry, I forgot my checkbook.”

No other discussion, no thank you for the work. My wife handed her the keys to her house. The next day they saw each other at another event and there was not any discussion of the work or how my wife was to be paid or any thank you for doing the work. On Sunday my girlfriend emailed my FormerBoss/Mentor and said she was hurt, she felt unacknowledged and unappreciated and wanted to know how she was going to get paid. My friend sent an email saying “I had no idea you should have said something I don’t carry my checkbook with me everyday”.

A few days later a check arrived in the mail. There was a housewarming party where my wife chose not to go because she was still really angry with my friend and I didn’t go because something deep inside told me that no matter what I should stand by my wife. My FormerBoss/Mentor called me on Monday and asked why I wasn’t there and I said because she needed to work out this issue with my wife. My friend says she has done nothing wrong and that she has been very good to my wife and my wife won’t accept her part in it, she never provided an invoice. My partner says this has nothing to do with money or an invoice it has to do with acknowledgement and that my FormerBoss/Mentor should have thanked her for the work and acknowledged the job she did, painting + many extras.

I am so upset that they are fighting like this. Should I call my FormerBoss/Mentor and ask her to please just say thank you for the work my wife did so this can be over? Should I try and stay out of it? Before this happened we were all very close almost like family. I think personally that my former boss was upset that my girlfriend didn’t do ALL the extra things she left out for her and that not saying thanks was a small passive aggressive dig at her. Any advice is appreciated. I really don't know if I should try and mediate or stay out of it. I feel as if my water dish has been moved very far away from my bowl. Any thoughts are appreciated.

Let me slip into something more comfortable

brainmouse — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:50:42 -0800

My boyfriend is having a really bad day at work. I'm going over to his house when his day is over (which will be pretty late). What is the best way to cheer him up? I have the obvious things (sex & beer), but I want to really make him forget today, at least until tomorrow... He'll be getting home pretty late -- probably post-dinner. What is your best idea for how to do this? I don't have time to do a lot of buying of things or whatever, but easy, cool things I should do... things that would make your night Perfect.

Can an extrovert and introvert prosper together?

Sentus — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 15:35:13 -0800

My girlfriend is extremely outgoing while I enjoy quite evenings at home. How do we keep both sides happy and satisfied? I met this sweet girl and we had an amazing start, so amazing in fact, that we moved together after a month of intensive dating.

We been together for four month now. Love each other dearly, share many same goals, have similar opinions and lifestyle(Eating healthy, exercising, sustainable farming) . Have great communication. Most of it is just pure bliss. But,

I am a classic introvert while she is a hardcore extrovert.
I enjoy quite evenings at home, playing the guitar, reading, writing, having long conversations, the occasional movie, meeting up with few close friends.

She loves being around people, knows a good chunk of the town by name. Loves to party, drink and socialize.

At first I thought it wont be a big problem, that we could find a middle ground. I could go to the events that she feels are especially important to her, rough it up and let her go out by her own to the rest. But the thing is she is way more outgoing than I thought. Most weekends she would go to two/three parties a day with an unofficial gatherings in between. We are talking about four to five hours a day. Most weekdays she'll have something going on for three hours or so. This is way way too much for me to handle. Whenever I do go, I am very unhappy, counting the moments to return home and afterwards it takes me hours to recharge and regain my sanity.

Please notice; I definitely don't want to change her. I think she is great the way she is. Trying to change people to your own image is futile and will often lead to resentment. I also don't believe I can REALLY change; Yeah I can acquire skills and experience but when all is said and done at my core I would still love to be alone/small company than big groups. I feel that extroverted and introverted people have their own strengths and weaknesses, and being more extroverted is not a goal for me.
I can fake it when I really want to, and appear welcoming, enjoying myself and looking interested, but obviously its just a charade and a very draining one. I was like that most of my life (introverted) and it "works" for me most of the time.

I love this girl and really don't want to screw it up.

So,
Do you think our differences our too deep?
Anybody else was in the same boat? How did you guys coped? Did it worked out?
Words of general advice?
Ideas for a logical arrangement?

Sorry for any grammar mistakes, or just general awkwardness. English is not my main language.

Thank you and have a great day,

Tell him about unwarranted jealousy?

BusyBusyBusy — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 13:48:14 -0800

Do you tell your boyfriend about (unjustified) feelings of jealousy, or just get over them on your own? I have a great boyfriend with a guy I've been dating since high school. He is a couple years my junior, and we go to the same university. Recently, he as made a new friend at our university, a girl we both had met before through volunteer work. She is a nice, funny, pretty girl, although not insanely attractive (I'd say we're about equal).

He recently had lunch with her, which I had no problem with. He has always had an easier time making female friends than male ones, and has confided in me that he is embarrassed of this. After the lunch, he texted me with "She's so cool!", which I agree, she is. Later he mentioned something funny that she said. This is all that has happened.

I'm not asking if I should feel jealous. I shouldn't. I know he loves me, I feel good about myself, solid in the relationship. But I do feel jealous. The question is, should I tell him? I normally tell him pretty much everything I think and feel, and him likewise. We have a very loving, supportive relationship. My concern in telling him is that he might a) think I'm being crazy b) block the girl out of his life to avoid upsetting me.

I'm mostly worried about b. This girl is cool, funny, nice, a perfect friend for him. Likewise, I have many male friends, even friendships with ex-boyfriends, and he has never said a word about jealousy. I don't want to upset anything going on between them, although in the back of my mind I'm worried it might develop into more. I also worry that telling him would actually weaken our relationship because it might seem I'm trying to shut other people out of his life. So what do you think?

Kisses are nicer when they don't taste like Camels

Anonymous — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:43:28 -0800

How can I let my new guy know I don't like him smoking without turning into an unpleasant nag? I'm newly in a relationship with a great guy. I like just about everything about him, except for the fact that he smokes. It makes him smell bad, and it's disruptive to our time together when he has to get up every hour or two to go out and smoke.

At this point, it's not a deal breaker for me; I don't want to issue any ultimatums. I saw my mother try to quit smoking for years; I know it was incredibly hard, and I know pressure from the people who loved her was the farthest thing from helpful. I don't want to cause my guy that kind of angst. I also don't want him to feel he has to hide his smoking from me.

I just want to let him know, in the most respectful, supportive way I can, that I would be happier if he quit smoking. His health and his finances are his business, and I know he knows the damage smoking can do to them. But kissing a smoker and having our evenings fractured are my business, and I don't think he knows how much I dislike it.

tl;dr: I don't want to make him quit. I just want to let him know there are some new reasons he might consider quitting. How do I walk the fine line of telling him that without pushing him?

"Like Rolf and Liesl, minus the Nazism!"

Gotham — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 09:20:43 -0800

What do you wish your first relationship had been like? Or, if it was perfect, tell me why.

I suddenly find myself on the more experienced side of the couple coin and I'm not really sure what to do here. How can I make sure that he'll look back on me fondly instead of in therapy?

How long should I wait?

RawrGulMuffins — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 11:53:53 -0800

Question’s about my virgin girlfriend pertaining to sex and sexuality. History: I’ve been dating this girl for about 6-7 months now; it took about 3 months to win her over. I knew going into the relationship that she was a virgin so it wasn’t a surprise that we didn’t have sex right off the bat. What did surprise me is that until very recently she was uncomfortable just making out with me.

I am very much not a virgin (male if it matters). In fact I’d say that sex is about my favorite activity, and as such waiting this long has been a bit difficult. When I think about my ideal woman, the perfect person who has everything I desire, my Girl comes pretty damn close. Obviously there are little things that bother me, but I really want what we have going to work out. I would very much regret looking back five years from now and thinking that I fucked up because I couldn’t wait just a little bit longer.

Pertinent information: My girl admitted she had(s) low self-esteem about her body. It surprised the shit out of me because A) she’s truly, stupidly beautiful, B) it seems to be the only self-esteem issue she has. There has been no long term boyfriend’s before me, although she had a crush on a guy for 6 years through her school life.

There is no history of sexual abuse or mistreatment on either side. We’re both 21 years old. She rarely tries to masturbate, maybe once a month if that. She’s also never orgasmed but that doesn’t seem uncommon for females her age.

My Girl has said that she doesn’t think her libido is naturally non-existent, and there has been improvement on her side of the equation. It’s just taking a hell of a long time for things to get going.

She doesn't want to bring medical help into this situation yet, she doesn't enjoy accepting help on intensely personal things.

Questions: 1: If she doesn’t have a naturally non-existent sex drive, about how long do you think it would take for her to discover her sexuality? I know it’s impossible to give a time-table on this sort of things, but a general guess would help me immensely. Personal anecdotes very much welcome.

2: This is a deal breaker for me and at this point I’m attempting to stay in the relationship to see if things “improve.” Has anyone ever been in my position before, and if so how long did you wait until you were certain you weren’t making a mistake by leaving your SO?

3: I’m going sexually nuts, is there anything (other then masturbation, it’s getting old) a man can do to lower his sex drive, especially in the presence of my very attractive girlfriend?

ISO: ?WF, 30-45 for !LTR, !F2F, Txt4$$. :)

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 10:29:43 -0800

ISO: ?WF, 30-45 for !LTR, !F2F, Email4$$$. (Help me find a fake girl/ladyfriend!) Right, so I'm interested in hiring someone to be a 'fake girlfriend'. I'm looking for an email/txt a day, maybe one call and flirty picture a week. I don't want to meet this person, don't want a real relationship, and have real money to spend. I'm divorced, travel for work, and was hoping for a shortcut to some emotional companionship.

I can't find anything on ebay and my web searches are clogged with call girls and arranged marriages. I posted an ad on my local CL and got a half-dozen messages calling me a loser and a couple of hookup requests from dudes. *sigh* Now I turn to you, Ask.

Does such a thing exist? Has anyone tried this? How can I make this happen?

Friends and girlfriends...ugh.

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 15:21:50 -0800

I am in what is, for all intents and purposes, a great relationship. But there is one recurring issue which to me is a big deal, and I’m out of ideas of how to deal. This is going to be a bit long… We are both women in our mid-to-late 20s. We’ve been together for 4 years, living together for 3. We have a ridiculously good relationship most of the time: similar values, similar vision for our (presumably shared) future, no conflicts around chores, that kind of thing, plus we’re still into each other and just generally totally in love. Now here’s the problem: there is some big issue around my best friend. My best friend is my ex from forever ago, who I dated for two years and then we broke up because we had NO chemistry and realized that obviously we were just meant to be friends. She is not the easiest person to like, but is not a bad person, either. My partner moved to live with me, and to the same city where my friend also lives, though my partner and I have now moved a few hours away. At first, my partner would sometimes hang out with us, usually in a group of other friends of mine, but would be really silent and withdrawn. Then, she decided to stop hanging out with those folks. Fine. While it would have been nice for everyone to get along, I don’t expect someone I’m with to be friends with my friends. But then she started freaking out every time I went out with my best friend. Like, crying (which she rarely does otherwise), being really needy, etc., and because I have some serious guilt issues, it would make me feel awful and eventually meant that I was hanging out less with my friend, which then of course caused issues with said friend.
So, cut to now: we live in a different city, it’s been 3 years since the start of all of that…and nothing seems to have changed. She still gets all weird if I want to call my friend to talk on the phone for a bit, and it’s pretty much impossible for me to plan to go and visit. I try to talk to her about it each time it comes up, but she’s not good at communicating what she’s feeling, so it always ends up with me feeling like I’m talking at her. I’ve tried to reassure her over and over that there is absolutely nothing other than friendship between me and friend, and that partner is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I’m actually okay if she’s feeling jealous because of friend and my shared history or whatever; it’s the not taking responsibility and not dealing with it, and making me feel awful (okay, I know, she can’t *make* me feel anything) that’s the issue. I don’t know what to do. It feels really controlling to me, and while it now doesn’t come up all that often, because I avoid talking about friend or calling or whatever, because the situation’s so stressful, it’s the kind of thing that could eventually lead to a relationship breakdown.
So what do you think? Is there something I’m missing here, in terms of what I’m doing wrong? Do you have any advice that could help me to get her to change? Am I being an asshole? I really, really love her and want to make our relationship great, but I can’t do it alone…

Have Girlfriend, Will Travel (Too Much)

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 14:27:09 -0800

How do I express the need for more 'me time' with my girlfriend? I've been with my girlfriend for seven months, and I love her very much. I'm a recluse, and she is an outgoing opposite. While I need very little attention to feel loved, she drinks affection like water. (She has admitted to abandonment anxiety in her life, which may or may not be relevant.) The standard formula up to now has been any mutually free time that can be spent together, is. This has worked for me because she works two jobs, often requiring her to work nights. I secretly crave these nights, because time to myself always feels like it's at a premium. At the same time, this is a horrible, horrible feeling to have, because I am taking joy in a schedule that is killing her soul and destroying her sanity, and despite the tone of this question, I do enjoy the time I spend with her.

This month, she worked up the guts to negotiate a more sensible schedule with her boss, and to our surprise, got what she wanted. She now has all (or almost all) evenings free. We're still on the old modus operandi, so I've spent almost every minute after my work with her. I realise now I have no ability to express my need for nights alone, because her old hectic schedule made that unnecessary.

Also, I buckle under any perceived tension. I'm a total wet noodle. She employs a number of things, such as a pouty tone, Catholic Guilt(TM), and crying (over anything from 'you raised your voice' to 'I forgot milkshakes have lactose intolerant-unfriendly ingredients'). I try to avoid all that. Unfortunately, I do it to such an extreme that I can't say no to her, and I even propose spending time together when I don't want to, just so I don't look like I'm avoiding her. So in a sense, we're both responsible for my lack of personal time: she wants my time, and I give it unconditionally.

I'm not sure if this is personal selfishness, but from my perspective, if I don't get an evening or two to myself, I'll be the anxious, overworked one in the relationship, not she. This is a highly negative spin on what is otherwise a positive thing in my life, but it's how I feel. Am I wrong to think this way?

If I'm being reasonable, I know I need to say something to her. I don't know what, and I don't know how. How can I express this need for free time in an uninsulting way? And how do I not buckle?

As a mini-question, we would like to move in together when our leases expire in nine months. Hopefully at that time, this question will become moot, replaced with another. I swear I've seen Ask MeFi questions about managing 'me time' with a live-in, but I couldn't find any. Could someone point it/them out?

Help me make my girlfriend climax.

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 19:45:13 -0800

I'm a 30 year old male who is recently divorced (after a 12 year relationship). I had a few brief sexual encounters in high school (5 partners), but most of my adult sex was spent with my ex-wife. As I begin dating and exploring new sexual relationships, I've realized that my sexual dexterity needs some improvement. My problem is that I had sex with my ex-wife for so long, and learned what she liked so well, that I've forgotten how to have sex with other people. My current girlfriend is an enigma. She's 29 years old and has never had an orgasm (not even via masturbation). She also likes rough play; something that is completely foreign to my gentle nature. I was wondering if anybody could recommend some books on sexual techniques designed to guide men to make a woman climax - especially for those who have difficulty doing so.

Unhealthily jealous of the attention my girlfriend gets from guys

plechazunga — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 09:51:34 -0800

Guys are always hitting on my girlfriend and making it clear that she is out of my league, how do I stop being jealous MeFi? (possibly useful background - those who have read my previous questions will know that I have just come out of a very long term relationship)

So I am now seeing a fantastic girl who - without meaning to sound massively insecure - is someone who I have known for just over a year and have always considered to be WAY out of my league. She is beautiful and more like the cheerleader type you always secretly had a crush on in school while I am a rather more scruffy ex skateboarder and I am completely aware that she fell for my personality before my looks. Her longest relationship so far has been two years while mine is eleven.

My biggest problem is that whenever we go out, prior to her introducing me as her boyfriend, guys are always hitting on her. She has done so much to reassure me that she isn't interested but I am having a hard time getting over it. Additionally there are a couple of her exes in her large circle of friends, which makes me slightly uneasy.

Eg one time this guy comes over (friend of a friend of a friend of hers, jock type who is more like the person people would imagine her with) and starts talking directly to her, within a few seconds he is putting his arm around her. She says "by the way this is my boyfriend", he looks at me disbelievingly (a very typical reaction from people who hear the news), and I turn it into a joke ("yeah, she's still recovering from the eye surgery" - true story) and secretly want to punch the guy's face off. Conversation goes stale after this and he moves over to another girl. Another night, her very drunk ex turns up, again not realising that she is with me, grabs her ass and leans in for a kiss. She walked away from him.

On top of this (sorry it's so long) she gets drunk. Like really drunk. I am worried that one day she won't have the strength to resist if I am not there, but at the same time I don't want to tell her not to get drunk as it is issues of control like this that lead me to break up with my ex.

Like i said, she has gone to great lengths to reassure me that I am the only one she wants and that she doesn't perceive a difference in our levels of attractiveness but I can't stop worrying.

I guess there are four problems: 1 my jealousy. 2 her drinking. 3 the way other guys see her. 4 my feelings that I am punching above my weight and that genuinely one day she will get over her eye surgery and leave me. Am I being a crazy jealous freak?

Girlfriend emotionally damaged by previous relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 10:16:37 -0800

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for a couple of years now. We love each other, and have a lot of fun doing things (even hard work) together. When it comes to sex, though, she seems to have inherited a lot of hangups from a previous, long-term relationship. Her previous mate was apparently obsessed with getting her off, and would insist on performing oral sex on her for ridiculous lengths of time rather than admit defeat. She can make herself cum pretty readily using her fingers, and I've been able to do it the same way once or twice, but she always seems to get upset when I do. She always thanks me fairly formally for getting her off, and often has tears in her eyes. I love going down on her, but it seems to do nothing much for her; in fact, sometimes I look up and find that she's been crying quietly while I was doing it.

I've read books devoted to the subject and tried a lot of things, so I don't think it's my technique. I love looking at/stroking/licking her body (especially her pussy) but it just seems to embarrass her. She seems to think her pussy is "dirty" (it's not - it's always just tasted/smelled/looked like clean skin) or that it's demeaning for me to do it (because she pees through there? She won't say.) She gets teary-eyed whenever I try to talk to her about it, too. Even when she makes herself cum, she doesn't make any sound, and she has to be lying on her back with her legs together. I suspect that she used to have to pleasure herself secretly in her old relationship, since her partner didn't approve of her masturbating if he couldn't get her off, and that's why she has taught herself not to move or make a sound when she gets off. She seems to enjoy being penetrated, but can't get off that way either, and rarely makes any sounds or moves during the process. I care very much for her, and I want her to be happy. I'd like to beat the person who taught her to be ashamed of her body and of enjoying sex. She probably should see a therapist, but every time I bring it up, I get more tears and denials that there's any problem. I understand that you can't "make" someone happy, but I love her dearly and I'd appreciate any suggestions anyone can offer who has had experience in this area. Thanks.

Should I acknowledge ex's wedding?

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 20:28:50 -0800

I found out recently that my ex-girlfriend of 3 years is engaged and getting married in less than 2 months. Should I acknowledge it? My ex-girlfriend ("Mary") and I dated exclusively for over 3 years while in college. While we dated, we were very close, and we even lived together for a good portion of that time. We broke up amicably and mutually in 2005 and although it was on friendly terms, we haven't really stayed in touch beyond a couple of emails and calls since then. I am fairly sure that if I emailed her today and said hello, she'd be likely to respond (I say "fairly sure" because now that she's engaged and in her "OMG I'm getting married!" mode, she might not be as interested in writing to an ex-boyfriend).

Following our break up, she finished school, relocated to another part of the state (300+ miles away), and found work and a place to live near her extended family. I stayed here.

Recently I found out through a friend that Mary is engaged and getting married very soon - less than 2 months. My friend is a friend of hers on Facebook. I am not on Mary's friends list and she is not on mine on Facebook (it has always been this way). Through some simple Internet sleuthing, I was able to find out Mary's fiance's name as well as their wedding date. While I always knew that this day would eventually come, I have to be honest in admitting that the surprise of the news struck me a little hard. I am genuinely, sincerely happy for her, though, and I really wish nothing but the best for her.

I have no expectations of receiving a wedding invitation, nor has she contacted me directly with the news. According to my friend, she openly and regularly posts about wedding preparations on her Facebook page.

My question is this: Should I acknowledge in some way (email, call, card, gift, etc.) this big news? It feels odd to me not to acknowledge it somehow, and I really feel like I should, but at the same time I feel like if she wanted me to know, she would have told me directly. So I'm torn about what to do. So, I'm coming to you! I'd really appreciate your insight and advice. Thank you.

Throwaway email for questions/follow-ups: exgfmarriage@hotmail.com

He said I'm chubby, but now he says he didn't mean it...

BusyBusyBusy — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 18:58:41 -0800

A week ago, my boyfriend of three years said that I was chubby. I am hurt, and having trouble moving on. Am I overreacting? Mefites, am I completely overreacting? A week ago, my boyfriend of three years said that I was chubby, and "I won't lie to you and say you're skinny." This was said in the context of us cuddling in bed, after I'd gotten out of the shower at our hotel and said "The mirror in there made me feel huuuugee."

For the record, I am 5'7" and 130lbs. But in a way, I feel like it's irrelevant how much I weigh. I have female friends who are overweight, and if one of their boyfriends called them chubby I'd be mad for them. It's just a demeaning word. Like most girls, I feel a lot of pressure to be very thin, and the last person I need pressure from is him.

In his defense:
-He has apologized repeatedly, and feels genuinely bad about it.
-He insists he was only saying what he thought I wanted to hear... that he thought I wanted motivation to lose some extra pounds.
-I am my mother's daughter, meaning thin arms and legs, and a round belly no matter what (my mom used to be much skinnier than I ever have been, but never lost the belly).
-He is 19, and I am 21. He is 6'2" and 130 pounds. So maybe he has a skewed idea of normal weight?

In my defense,
-We've already had many issues with me not feeling like he's attracted to me. I do not have low self-esteem. I'm really confident, with lots of friends, abilities, and interest from other guys. I think I'm a good lookin' girl. But he never seems that... excited about me. He says he loves my personality, my brain, my face... but I'm always the one to initiate sex, and his compliments always seem forced and unnatural. We've talked about his, no change. This has left my very sensitive to his comments.

So, I have two main questions, I guess.
1. I am still very, very hurt, to the point that I don't want to be around him. I've asked for at least a few days to myself to sort this out. Am I being ridiculous? Am I overreacting?

2. How can we move past this? If you've been in a similar situation, how did you get through it?

My boyfriend is loving and supportive, which is why this has caught me so off guard. He's never said anything mean or harsh about me. He is a great boyfriend, a really sweet person, and we've gotten through much bigger problems than this. So why does the word chubby now feel like the third person in our relationship? What scares me is people I've confided this in have expressed doubts that it will go away, and that we can work it out.

Aaggh, any words of wisdom, advice, and perspective would be so, so appreciated.

Fetish too far vis a vis my girlfriend.

zeek321 — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 14:12:21 -0800

Fetishes and relationships: Help me find objective, balanced, third-party information for my girlfriend. So, I've had a fetish since forever. It was a fascination even before puberty. It's a borderline "fetish too far" as Dan Savage might categorize it. As I've gotten older, I've learned how to talk about it in an open and honest way. I told my now girlfriend of six months about it on the first date, and explained that it was a fundamental part of my sexuality, and that it wasn't something I'd ever expect or pressure her to participate in. My fetish is an *aspect* of my sexuality--we have regular, amazing, mutually satisfying, mildly kinky sex--I have other outlets for my fetish.

She has become curious to learn more about my fetish. She's interested in talking to me about it, and we do, but it's an intense, multi-layered thing to talk about as it touches on sex, trust, intimacy, and the boundaries of our relationship. I've thought about it a *lot*, as it's something I've had to come to terms with in my life, and she feels a bit overwhelmed and not yet able to express her thoughts and feelings around the situation as well as she wants.

So, she's looking for outside information regarding fetishes and relationships (books? articles?) to help her organize her thoughts and feelings around the situation. (I've cobbled together my thoughts from lots of introspection and randomly dipping into the web for years and years, I'm comfortable in my skin and able to verbalize my needs, desires, concerns, and feelings around the fetish/relationship situation.) She's wicked-smart, women's studies, philosophy, history, humanities background, etc., etc. Are there any resources are out there that would be useful to her?

How can I adapt to fix problems with long-term girlfriend's family? (semi-long explaination, sorry)

Anonymous — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 15:28:19 -0800

How do I fix problems that've (apparently festered for a while) sprung up between my girlfriend's family and I? Before I get started, I'd like to point out that I'm not trying to change my way-of-life, or become something I'm not... just try to more flexible and present m'self better.

Here's the basic problem:
My long-term girlfriend is living at home due to lingering medical/depression issues which she's coming out of, but at that point where she's unsure of herself. I'm doing my best to be supportive and not push too much.
We've had a long-distance relationship for a while, so we saw each other for a year or so of one-week-at-her-home, one-week-at-mine.
Recently, I moved up here, as my schedule allowed me to do my work online, and tensions have come to a bit more of a head between her family and I.
I admit, I don't understand a lot of the "rules" of the family.
Finally, after ... what I'd imagine is almost a year of tiptoing around the subject, she had them sit down, and during the course of discussion, her two-years-younger, senior/college sister pointed out that she just trys to avoid me as she doesn't like me, and the parents can't understand our relationship.

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Short background
To make a long story short, I spent most of college preparing to take a military commission, that fell apart after I graduated, I spent six months overseas learning a language (Awesome Girlfriend joined be for about two-- we got back just as the economy imploded), then since I've come back, I've been getting a second degree while looking for jobs. (it's been... rough. Not a unique situation, I'm sure, but probably reinforces their "what's he doing with his life?" nagging questions) I'm in a lucky position (due to both assistance from family, and my own good planning from years of saving) where I don't have to find one right-away, and so am quite comfortable doing what I need to do for the long term (the second degree (first one was a polisci when, for the military all I needed was "a degree". This one's for my field-of-work interest). Over this summer, I realized I could take a full load of classes online, so figured "Well, if I can pursue my job/school from anywhere... may as well be closer to Awesome Girlfriend." So I moved up to Chicago from Texas, and have been enjoying the city, and getting my schoolwork done.

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Family Concerns (... as passed from Awesome Girlfriend. I've never really gotten a straight answer when I've asked...):

I'm uncouth/don't fit in/stilted personality.
I'm "unfocused" (I don't know exactly what I want to do for a career, and don't seem to be going about it in the "right way")
"Why do you like him?"

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My Answers/Mitigating Factors:

Uncouth/Don't fit in: Honestly, our upbringings were very different. Example from my father, in conversation: "So, with the new medication that Awesome Girlfriend is taking, how's her sex drive been affected?" Me: "Actually, ::explanation here::" (Awesome Girlfriend's pointed out many times that this is apparently an awkward subject for most people. My dad and I don't really have a concept of awkward... it's kind of nice that way, though I've accepted that she does, and tried to learn what causes it.)
The countervailing example: (in casual conversation) AG's Mother, poking fun at AG snoring on a plane: "Yeah, you were waking everyone up..." Me: "Just twack her with a pillow. That usually stops it." (Twenty minutes of frowning later) "You know, you shouldn't ever imply that you've slept near my daughter... It's not right."
To my mind this doesn't make sense. When she comes down to visit me ("half the time", which's turned into a day or two/week), we obviously sleep together. Or, I could've been talking about also sleeping next to her on a plane. Or, we've napped in their home together on a couch. Or, we lived in Berlin for six months together, they've seen photos of the apartment, it was obviously one bedroom....

I'm not stupid, so obviously I wouldn't discuss sex. ... except they make jokes about it (not between the two of us, but random-off-color-jokes, etc). Her mother's told her "Between the two of your medical conditions, you guys have a chance for normal kids!", etc.
(So, to my mind, it's obviously not COMPLETELY taboo... but I stay away anyway.)

There are more subjects (I'm racking my brain for an example) of things that are apparently just ... "not polite".
I'm doing my best to keep a running tally, but sometimes, they seem to come out of left field.
Ah-- when I stand from a table, I pick my chair up. This is apparently very... odd, to their mind. In my family, I was chastised if I didn't-- by dragging it, you put unequal tension on the legs, you can damage them, etc.

All in all, not big things, but apparently they're offended/put-off that I'm not more adaptable when I'm under their roof.

(For a year and a half, they encouraged me, when AG stayed at her home, and I stayed over, to help her get ready for bed, brush teeth, etc. As I moved up here, AG's parents told her this made them/sister very uncomfortable. ... I'm not sure where the disconnect was-- there was no sex, nothing tawdry... just two people being silly and chit-chatting while performing evening ablutions... it went from (to me:) "thank you for doing that" to (to AG:) "he is not going to do that in our house.")

I've been told, by Awesome Girlfriend, in no uncertain terms, that her asking about "where the lines are" would create family problems/resentment. That I can't ask. And that even if either one of us asked, we probably wouldn't get a real answer. (I'd say "honest" answer, but I don't mean to cast dispersions... I'm sure they're honest... just not very straightforward--- like their behavior around me... very pleasant, always friendly... but apparently not indicative of actual comfort-level.)

To the "Unfocused" career wise:
I can't really help the timing of when they met me. After I'd been dating their daughter for about six months, my career plans fell apart, and it sucked. Oh well. Since then, I've determined what I need to do (had the plan confirmed by professors, etc, working in my industry (I've been pretty careful to pick non-academic professors... I seem to learn more from the guys who work all day, then have to teach a class explaining their jobs/fields. It's a biased opinion, sure, but a helpful one) (Hell, I've straight A's for the year... that'd never happened before...), and have about a year left on a second degree.

To their minds, I am just drifting aimlessly-- they were "weirded out" (Not sure what this means, and haven't been able to really get an explanation) when I moved up here. It was, for me a simple decision process. AG was planning on moving down to my city, but for six months kept pushing it back by "a few more weeks." Realizing that I had the choice of waiting-waiting-waiting... or coming up here, I took two days to think about it/discuss with AG, made my plans, and was up here a week later. I'm doing the work I need to do, and getting to spend time with AG that doesn't require an (expensive) airplane trip. They saw this as pretty much the oddest thing I could have done, and irresponsible, etc. (I did my budget, calculated what I needed as part of my plans. It all worked out.)

Awesome Girlfriend has also voiced their concerns sometimes that I seem calculating to convince her to neglect them. When I moved up here, she was given a speech "Don't let his personality convince you to spend time with him and neglect your family" (When I think about all of their problems, it seems to imply that AG is interested, in their mind, in a stilted/uncouth personality... but when I pointed that out, she furrowed her brow and said "yeaaahhh, but that's different."-- the only explaination I can come up with is that they think I'm a stilted personality... but a fast talker who always has an answer for everything. (The second part's true. I was taught that growing up; I know when to shelve it for not-family-closefriends, but it's hard to hide when relaxing.)

When I'm in their home, I've been told "be yourself".
... that didn't work.
Now, to avoid more problems, I try to adapt to their ... lifestyle? to their manner-of-cohabitating.
This, apparently, has the effect of my looking as though I'm constantly calculating and stiff. If it were up to me, I'd treat them (as I did when we first met) as family/close-friend's-family. (That apparently weirds them out. (A quick anecdote, my dad's name, for years, has been "dad". To everyone not at his office. (divorced family, friend, whoever) He likes writing postcards, and whoever taught him English taught him that postcards are signed "Very truly yours" or "love" ... sending one to Awesome Girlfriend's house "Love Dad" required a bit of explanation to her parents, apparently.)) So yeah. I understand there's culture shock. I'm tryin' to learn quickly here.

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How can I "fit in" more?

My initial impulse is to call them, and ask... or even better, make an appointment to go up there at a time where they can voice their concerns about me to me and I will try to answer as best I can.

When I mention this, AG looks kind of horrified, and try's to explain that my idea'd make things far worse... when she can't really explain why, she just tells me "They probably wouldn't let the conversation happen anyway"

At this point, all I'm trying to do is assuage their he's-not-focused fears, and he's-super-calculating fears (which strike me as kind of silly-- the only time I'm calculating is when I, because of the situation that's in place, can't be honest... I'd always prefer to be upfront, blunt and honest), and create an atmosphere where we can all be together when it's important. Two holiday seasons have passed where AG and I have been on the phone wishing each other the greetings of the seasons, and that's quite enough. I'm not going to put her in a position to choose me-or-her-family... one, it's a bastard thing to do... two, I'll lose. (as it proper. I love her dearly, as she loves me... but I understand that family comes first.) She's made it clear (and I'd never get in the way. Seriously. Really am trying to be accommodating) that being with her family then is important to her. So I'm trying to find a way to not create trouble, but be able to share important moments with her.

Am I overreacting to this creepy guy who keeps trying to meet my wife and her friends?

Anonymous — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 12:48:48 -0800

Am I overreacting to this creepy guy who keeps trying to meet my wife and her friends? I apologize for this being a bit long and probably confusing.

My wife has a core group of five friends that she's known since high school. Three of the five girls are married and a fourth is in a long-term relationship. We're all close. About 3 or 4 months, the fifth girl started having sex with a married guy from her church. She been good friends with this guy's wife and daughter for a while too, which makes it all the more despicable. He's also told her that it's not the first time he's cheated on his wife.

Initially, all of this girl's friends, including my wife, were pretty disappointed in her. The collective disappointment turned to anger when this guy invited all of her girl friends out to dinner to get to know them. Just the girls. Well, they basically all told the friend that they think he's a creep and nobody wanted to meet him. We thought that was that.

Whenever we're with this friend, she's CONSTANTLY texting with this guy. And he's always asking her possessive questions like "Who's there?" and "How much have you been drinking?"

Weeks later, she roped one of the girlfriends and her boyfriend into meeting this guy. They confirmed their initial suspicions that he was creepy. Especially when they started inappropriately making out in front of everyone. He even started texting THIS girl after the meeting and trying to talk to her on the phone.

So last week, the friend moved into a new apartment in this guy's town (which we later found out was directly in between his work and home). In celebration of the new place, they all had a "girl's night" at the movies. After the movie, they went to see the new apartment. As they're walking around, who shows up... this frickin guy. With a case of beer nonetheless as a "peace offering" for the girls. Fortunately, my wife had come home directly from the movie and missed meeting him. But the other girls awkwardly left and were pretty livid about the whole thing, basically feeling like they were tricked into meeting him. I was beyond pissed about the whole thing, as was my best friend (who's married to one of the girls who was there). I later found out for sure that it was this guy's idea to stop by and say 'hi' to them and the girl told him it would be ok. It was most definitely not ok.

So I found out what I could about this guy afterwards and wrote him an email... to his work address, to make the point loud and clear:

I don't care what you do with [REDACTED]... but my wife and the rest of my friend's wives do not want to know you. You and [REDACTED] both know that. Do not put yourself into a situation to meet my wife or any of my friend's wives again.

Stay the fuck away.

I guess he got the message last night while he was with her and got so scared that he left and went home to his wife. The girl immediately called her friends to apologize for putting them in the awkward situation and took responsibility for it. She chatted with me this morning and tried to explain, but I basically told her that I think this guy is a piece of shit and nobody wants him around them. I've accepted her apology, basically because I think her being that dumb doesn't mean there needs to be bad blood between us. But I absolutely don't forgive this guy for weaseling his way into everyone's lives.

So again, the question is: am I overreacting to this guy? It seems to me like he has some delusional fantasy about cheating on his wife with not only this girl, but her friends as well. It was enough to feel like she's making us guilty simply by knowing about what her and this guy are doing. But him figuring out how to get his way regardless of the wishes of my wife and her friends is putting me (and the other husbands) over the top.

Like guy friend of mine with girlfriend, how to tell him?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 08:37:24 -0800

Telling a male friend of mine, who's all sorts of awesome, that I like him and would be very interested in dating him for the forseeable future. Catch? Girlfriend. In college. Met a guy two years in a small class, he was nice and I developed a small crush on him. Over the course of two years, I got to know him better from acquaintance to friend, and he's got the best attitude toward everything, is kind, caring, and giving. He's had some hard times in the past (lost a parent to cancer) but remains honest, upbeat. We're talking just Good Material here.

Of course over the course of time I never told him I was interested (due to insecurity issues of my own), and he got a girlfriend, who I might recognize by face but barely know.

I'm wrapping up my study abroad program now, and he began to text me on my American cell phone a couple of months ago--I certainly did not give him my number, and had no idea who it was at first. We kept up the email/text communication, and, so far, I've tried not to say anything I wouldn't want his girlfriend to read, but it has gotten, at times emotionally intimiate--things that would be absolutely fine if I wasn't interested in him, but can also happen given that I am interested in him.

We'll be back at college in August and he's been saying, "Oh, we need to go out and celebrate your being back!" Again--I've done this with guys who've had girlfriends, but I always knew their girlfriends well enough that I knew it wasn't a problem (for my own emotions), I perhaps liked the guy as more than a friend but loved him with his girlfriend too much, thought the guy is attractive but wouldn't date him in a million years, but I've never been friends with a guy with a girlfriend that I've actually liked, so don't know how to tread here.

I would like to tell him that he's a great person, and through my experience dating other men (I've probably dated about 4 men--no boyfriends--over the time I've known him, so I'm not pining after him) I've realized what great qualities he has, and I want to put my name in the hat if he's ever available.

My questions are:
(a) is it unreasonable to assume he likes me? We text a LOT, usually several times a day, just about our daily lives. He usually starts it.
(b) why did he contact me out of the blue? We were friends (we'd have dinner on campus, but wouldn't go past that), so he certainly stepped it up out of the blue.
(c) How should I go about telling him? I also want to make it clear I am NOT trying to break him up with his girlfriend, but life is short, and he's a GREAT person, and I would be willing to be more flexible with my plans for the chance to spend time with a person like that. This guy is grounded, kind, generous, and honorable.
(d) Is this a good idea?
(e) Want to emphasize that I still want to be friends with him.

Before anyone says, "But he's being emotionally intimate with you, and he has a girlfriend," I want to stress that I believe he's been very honorable in his communication with me, and truly nothing has passed between us that is at all questionable.

Thank you, MeFites!

MY GIRLFRIEND IS ANGRY A LOT AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL

defmute — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 10:25:27 -0800

How do I deal with my angry girlfriend? I've been going out with my girlfriend for 7 months. We've had a lot of highs and lows and overall have a lot of fun together. One thing that has been a huge issue, however, is the fact that my girlfriend often vents her anger about her friends and I get impatient listening to her be angry. Example: My girlfriend vented to me today about how angry it makes her that her roommate is constantly reminding her to do things (i.e. take out the trash, drink less coffee) that make her feel like she thinks her roommate thinks she's incompetant. My girlfriend hates being told what to do. I personally think that her roommate is perfectly reasonable in this situation find my girlfriends anger to be petty. My girlfriend knows this and we always get into an argument when I am not able to simply acknowledge her anger. I must admit that I emotionally distance myself in these situations because I just don't know how to speak my mind and also not make her angry at me.

She yells. I'm like "What you yelling for?". She yells at me for not understanding her. <------ this is essentially how I feel when am her "venting partner".

What should I do? Do I just say "yeah, you're right. That really sucks." when she has a complaint that I find uncomplain-worthy? Is there a way for me to stand my ground and be there for her as well?

Claude Bless America, Man That I Love

Juliet Banana — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 11:15:48 -0800

Shmoop Filter: My boyfriend always sings me this Harry Belefonte song while changing the words to "Yes, Lorena, my sweetheart from California." I'm trying to figure out what songs work with the name "Claude" swapped in. It would help if the genders worked and it was something that was halfway appropriate to sing to your loved one. Hopefully whatever word "Claude" is substituted for has the same number of syllables and kind of rhymes, otherwise I'm just awkwardly cramming his name into random songs, which I'm pretty good at without Metafilter's help.

Goofy is absolutely encouraged. I'm thinking something like "Claudey, Claudey, Claudey, Claude" instead of "Cloudy, Cloudy, Cloudy, Cloud" in this Ween song, though something I don't have to be baked as a cake to sing would be nice, too.

Smart guy with a confusing girl, help?

Born to Hula — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:11:50 -0800

I like this girl and all signs say she digs me, but the situation's funky...read on and help me! Help me figure out this conundrum. I meet a girl at the orientation for the internship program I'm in at a company in my native city. I'm in college at the moment. I flirt with her, she flirts back and laughs at my jokes, ends up asking for my number before I can ask for hers. We get in touch, I take her out and she has fun. We get lunch a few times during the next week. I'm a good looking, confident, socially apt guy. But I thought something was fishy about this girl. Something that stopped me from making a move at other times. I ask her if she has a boyfriend a couple weeks after meeting her, and she says yes, not too enthusiastically.

Interesting.

Anyway, as I said, I'm a native of this city, but she's from a few states away, and goes to school there. So does her boyfriend. I still flirt with her and remain friendly with her, but most importantly I have a big crush on her, and almost everything I read about her says she is attracted to me. She calls me to hang out often. She seems to get nervous when I lay down the more heavy duty flirting, in a "I want to but I shouldn't way." I'm not the kind of guy who gets off on breaking up relationships, but I'm attracted to this girl in more than a physical way, and her boyfriend whom I've never met is far away and I really don't care much about him. She seems to drop hints that he is annoying her at times.

To wrap it up:

Is she being flirty with me because she's lonely in this new city where she doesn't know anyone and just wants me to stick around while the summer lasts? Or is she waiting for me to make a move despite the obvious ethical boundaries around it? Should I just grow a pair and kiss her or is she playing some kind of weird game with me?

What do you all think?

Lunch with female friends other than your girlfriend is ok?

salsa buena — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 10:20:43 -0800

I have a girlfriend and my best friend is female. Should I feel guilty having lunch with my friend? Me and my girlfriend have been talking lately. She really feels that the fact that I don't mention that I have lunch with my friend makes her a bit suspicious. We have both acknowledged that she can get a little jealous of my friend because we're close. I've been with my gf for 3 years now and I've known my friend for 20 years. Me and my friend have never been intimate and my gf knows her personally.

Now, she is asking me to inform her every time I go to lunch with my friend or any other female for that matter whether its a friend or a co-worker. I wouldn't ask the same of her, I would just trust her and believe that she wouldn't do anything to disrespect our relationship.

Part of me is saying I shouldn't give in to this request because I'd feel like I have to report what I'm doing or whom I spend my money on just to put her insecurity at ease. If I give in, what's next?

Another part of me wishes to want to make her feel at ease. I love the fact that she talked to me about what is bothering her and I really want to come to a solution. Not sure where to go from here.

Am I Selfish?

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 13:33:51 -0800

I have just broken up with my girlfriend, because I can't change. Can you help? This is a complicated topic, which I've tried to keep concise. Thanks in advance for reading!

I've just got back from the airport after one of the worst days of my life. My girlfriend has broken up with me.

Let me give you the (brief) background. We have been going out for three years. It has mostly been a long-distance relationship (me in England, her in Germany), but we have always managed to speak for an average of an hour every day on the phone, and visit each other at least every month.

The long-distance thing has been a strain at times, both on our finances and our time. We are both students (I'm 21, she is 20) and every period of free time (e.g. summer, easter and christmas holidays) has been divided between her place and mine. This has been at the expense of other things like holidays with friends, and time with our families.

The first time I can remember her talking about us having problems was about a year ago – she said that we would likely break up if I didn't start changing my priorities. Last year was my first year of university, and I was mostly concerned with making new friends, and going out and partying. I made time for our phone conversations, but sometimes I guess I did see the calls as a little more of a task than a pleasure – when my friends were doing something, I wanted to hang out with them, and shift the calls until later. When she came to visit though, we had a lot of fun, and enjoyed each other's company. This year, I think I've improved in this regard – partying has moved down my list of priorities, and she has in turn become more relaxed/flexible about our phone calls.

Over the last 6 months, however, things between us have been getting worse. Probably the main reason for this is what I affectionately call my “forgetfulness”. When asked to do something, especially by her, I mostly forget to do it entirely, or do it in the wrong way. For example, when she asked me to get a card for her dad's birthday, I said I would get it later, but then completely forgot about it. Or, on a recent trip, she asked me to bring some stuff from our hotel room. I brought too many bags as I wasn't sure which ones to get. This doesn't sound like much, but when this is happening literally 95% of the time, it obviously got to wearing her down, and making her think I didn't care about her.

I also am quite a passive person, something I think I got from my parents, who also avoid confrontation. When in an uncomfortable situation, I am not very likely to stand up for myself. She, on the other hand, is a strong personality – she stands up for herself, is outgoing, and loves to organise things, but she actually has little self-discipline. My passivity came across in our relationship when she would need my help, either to make her do something (e.g. study for her exams) or to help her with something (e.g. organise a holiday for us). I did not feel comfortable giving advice or telling her to do something, as I thought that she would be far better at organising than I am, and far more perceptive when it came to people. Now, I have got slowly, slowly better at standing up for myself. But the other problems are still there.

She has given me two deadlines in the past two months, saying that she wanted to see a definite change in me if we were to stay together. Both deadlines came, and went, and I hadn't changed. What did I do to change? I wrote what I wanted to change down on a list (Be confident, Take care of her, and be someone to look up to) and looked at it every other day. Then I tried to remember to be/do those things.

She arrived here, in England, about 10 days ago. On the first few days we had big arguments, mainly about me forgetting to do things, or, one time choosing to go out with my friends as I forgot that we'd discussed it and agreed to stay in together that night. We talked about it and agreed that when the end of her stay came (today) we would break up, as I'd shown her that I hadn't changed.

After that talk, we had very few (if any) arguments. We had a fun week, doing everything a couple should do, and trying to forget that I hadn't changed. This was not too difficult, as we have always got on well, apart from the arguments, and we fit well together.

Today, before she left (tearful and heartbreaking – we spent the last few hours just hugging), she gave me a few pieces of advice. 1. Don't follow other people – make up your own mind, and don't assume that they know better than you. 2. Try to look at arguments/situations from the perspective of a third person. That way you can more easily see it objectively. 3. Take responsibility for things – she said the reason that we were breaking up is because I had not changed, despite the fact that changing was entirely in my power.

This last one puzzled me, as I have obviously never wanted to be passive, or shirk responsibility, or not take care of her – it wasn't as if this was a concious choice not to change. I asked her about it. She said that my main problem was that deep down I was selfish.

She said that my forgetfulness came from not really caring or paying attention to what people were saying, because I had no real interest in it. i.e. when she told me to get the bags from the hotel, I didn't listen too closely. If she asked me to pack the car and I did it wrong, it was because I hadn't watched her packing it before – I didn't have a real interest in how she liked to have her car packed. (These are fairly trivial examples, but I hope they illustrate my point.) I hadn't changed because I had no real interest in doing so.

I would love to get back together with her (and from what she said, she would take me back), but I realise that my perspective may be a little skewed now having just experienced the break up. Objectively, it may give us a chance to see if the relationship is what we both want in the long-term, or whether we were just accepting it because this is what we've known over the last 3 years. Also, if I go back to her and I haven't changed, it will just hurt her all over again.

So this is where you, dear reader, come in. What I am hoping to do is change myself. I recognise that I have been selfish (not just with her, but also in dealings with my family as well) and I do not want to be like that any more. I want to be more analytical, more confident, and less selfish. Can you help me by giving your perception of the situation? Am I selfish/immature? If so, how can I work on myself to make me less selfish?

I realise this is a long post. If you've got this far, I'm so glad you stuck with me. I really appreciate it. Feel free to ask for any clarification you want, and bookmark this page as I will be updating the post as things progress!

Thanks in advance for your help.