Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with gift and etiquette

What is a polite gift for Americans visiting Parisian couple for dinner?

tarthur — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 20:54:28 -0800

What is a proper gift to bring a same-sex Parisian couple when invited to dinner? My boyfriend and I are visiting Paris next week and were invited to dinner with two Americans who have been living and working Paris for the past few years. Both men are very successful in the business world and live comfortably in the city. We have been invited to dinner at their apartment on our first night in Paris.

Thank you too much!

Bardolph — Tue, 26 May 2009 18:42:38 -0800

A friend made a really sweet, but kind of awkwardly generous, gesture. How to respond gracefully, while still giving her an out? (Just as a preface, I have a hangup about receiving gifts and favors-- particularly big ones. They make me feel miserable and guilty, as though it's my fault that the person went to all this expense/trouble, and I get freaked out thinking about just how grateful I'll have to be to make it up to them. So if this seems kind of like a retarded overthinking of what should be a relatively straightforward social situation-- well, guilty as charged.)

So I had a baby last month, and various friends were excited and supportive, including the church choir where I sing. About two weeks after the birth, someone I know from choir approached me and said she'd like to throw a party for the choir at her house in the baby's honor. This was a pretty overwhelmingly generous offer, as the group is large (~25 people), and the woman in question doesn't even know me all that well (we've hung out a bit in the context of other church groups, but never one-on-one, and no conversations beyond small-talk). She's not a wealthy retired socialite or anything, either-- we're talking a super-busy shift-working mom of two, so throwing a party for a huge group of people would likely be a big deal for her in terms of the investment of time and money.

At the time, I thanked her profusely, and probably a bit anxiously, and she closed by asking me to let her know some dates that'd work. Four weeks later, I still haven't been able to bring myself to contact her, largely because I've been unable to figure out answers to the following:

How can I give her a list of dates without sounding weird and presumptuous (like, "Ahem...the following are some good dates for you to schedule my party")?
On the off chance that she might since have rethought her initial impulse, is there any way to avoid Abilening by politely giving her an out? I'm especially concerned about this given that lots of people have already met the baby (brought her to rehearsal a couple times) so a debut party at this point might seem a little anti-climactic.
If the party does happen, is it appropriate for me to offer to pay for anything and/or help with prep, or would that be rude?
Said party won't end up devolving into some kind of shower, will it? Because the choir already got us a group gift, and OMG uncomfortable.
Although we haven't broken the news to anyone here yet, we're actually planning on moving out of the area in a few months. Does our secret lame-duck status change matters at all?
And lastly, regardless of whether this happens, what might be some nice ways to let her know how much I appreciate the really sweet thought?

What's that you say? Why yes, I am kind of a social idiot. Advice from anyone versed in intermediate-level-and-above interpersonal interaction would be much appreciated!!

Take the iPhone or Get a Blackberry Storm?

billysumday — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 05:40:57 -0800

Gift receiving etiquette: accept the iPhone that was promised me or go rogue and get a Blackberry Storm? Related: is the Blackberry really better? A few months ago I ended a job and moved with my fiance to Pennsylvania. My former coworkers pooled money and got me an iPhone. The only problem was, my contract didn't run out until Dec. 13 so I've been waiting to "cash in" my gift. I loooove iPhones but I've been on Verizon for 6 years and like them, and have many friends/family who can call me for free because we all have Verizon. Of course, I also have a few friends on ATT now because of their iPhones. But now that the new Blackberry Storm is out, I'm intrigued, and thinking of getting one of those instead.

First of all, is it bad etiquette to say, "hey, I'm going with the new Blackberry instead!" The price is equivalent and so is the "gist" of the gift. My one friend is a real Apple guy and so he'll be disappointed, I think, but not mad. Second of all, is the new Blackberry really that good? I've only ever played around with an iPhone, but I love it. Last night I played around with a Storm for the first time, and it seemed fine. There are some features that I like better on the iPhone - the finger stretching/minimizing features, the graphics and buttons. But the Storm seems pretty much the same, and like I said, I actually like Verizon. If I could get an iPhone and stay with Verizon it'd be a no-brainer. Another question: do I lose my phone number if I got to AT&T from Verizon? Last question: are iPhones reliable/durable? I've heard some bad stories about the iPhone, but mostly in the context of pitches for the Storm.

Thanks, all-wise AskMe!

Can I buy the bride a pair of reality goggles?

mcbeth — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 01:02:42 -0800

What do you do when buying a gift for friends soon to be (re)married but think the happy pair are being selfish twits? A not-my-best-friend kind of gal pal friend is getting remarried this month (wedding #3 for her, #2 for him). Both have successful, lucrative careers, both are 50+ yrs old. They want for nothing. They're combining two households, one of which the bride has already combed through to removed any possible trace of her betrothed's ex-wife.

The bride is turning their upcoming nuptials into a three day affair (dinner and drinks Friday night, wedding Saturday, brunch on Sunday). I picked two of the three events to attend and thought 'hey cool, that's the end of the moral dilemnas!', but no, I just visited their bridal registry and went limp upon seeing the cost and general uselessness of most of their registry items.

They're not a young couple. They aren't just starting out. They both have grown children. They can, actually, afford to buy themselves everything listed on their gift registry while many of their wedding guests cannot.

I'm (trying to) like them and don't want to be a major crabapple but c'mon, all that? And do I really have to buy these selfish friends a(nother) gift? I want to be as gracious as possible but I'm not particularly excited about overextending myself for my slightly attention-whoreish pal. Would bringing one nice bottle of wine or something other simple inexpensive tasteful thing be considered declasse or rude?

All I was able to come up with by way of advice via google was at Idotaketwo.com which advised second-timers:

"And speaking of gifts, be sure to register. Even if you don’t want gifts, some guests who love you may still want to give you something and need guidance. It’s also perfectly appropriate for encore couples to register."

C'monnnnn!

How to reward from afar

pencroft — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 06:00:14 -0800

What is a good gift for a bunch of web developers in India? My US-based company is about to launch a site that has taken many many months and jumped way beyond the initial scope. The site has been developed by a firm in Dehli and I would like to send the team a gift. Ultimately, I'd like to make sure the team knows that we appreciated their hard work and I want them to be recognized by their senior management?

Suitable gift for Irish teacher

KTrujillo — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 07:43:44 -0800

My children are finishing the year at a primary school in Ireland. Their teachers have been wonderful and I want to give them an end of the year thank you gift. In the U.S. gift certificates are popular but I'm unsure of the etiquette surrounding gift giving in this situation. Please advise. Thank you!

In appreciation for spiritual guidance and leadership

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 13:54:30 -0800

When undergoing an ministerial ordination ceremony, is it customary or common for the about-to-be-ordained person to gift the minister who is conveying the ordination? This weekend I am becoming legally ordained as a practicing minister in my life path. It will be a joint ceremony in which my husband is also being ordained, and is being held during a religious festival at which many people of our faith will be present. The person who is conducting the ceremony (ordaining us) is a valued mentor and teacher to us both and a very good friend. She is also a very well know name internationally among people of our path.

My question is: Is it customary in ordination ceremonies -- for any given religion -- for the ordained to give a gift of appreciation to the official presiding? During the ceremony itself, there will be a portion where people come up to convey blessings and gifts on us as the new ministers, but I feel I'd like to do something for our own mentor. I'm curious what the protocol is in ordination ceremonies of ANY religion about gifting one's mentor, and whether it is done during the ceremony or privately at some other time. If it matters, we practice an Earth-based spirituality that many would consider an "alternative religion" but is legally recognized by the US government and is developing a rapidly growing community. However, I'd like to hear perspectives from any other faiths since the etiquette in this is completely new to me. Many thanks!

Should I get either of my step-siblings baby-warming gifts?

drycleanonly — Sun, 22 Apr 2007 20:22:38 -0800

My two stepsisters each recently gave birth. Should I get either of them a gift? It gets a little complicated. Background: I have two “stepsisters”, daughters of my father’s long-term girlfriend. One gave birth to a boy last summer, and the other gave birth to a little girl last week. I’m not particularly close to either of them, and although we are fairly close in age (all in our mid- to late- twenties) we’ve never spent much time together and don’t know each other particularly well. I now live across the country from them, and the last time I saw either was about two years ago, though I spoke to both on the phone recently (but don’t regularly).

I’ve always felt like they think of me as a bit of a snob because I tended not to spend a lot of time with them when we were teenagers even when we had weekends or holidays together, and also, primarily, because our lives have taken different paths - they are now both single mothers at low-paying jobs, but previously have had problems with drug use, abusive relationships, and various illegal activities. I’m currently working at a fairly well-paying job, in grad school across the country, and I travel a lot; this part of my family (including my father and his girlfriend) have, I think, generally gotten the impression (probably because I don’t visit often) that I somehow feel that I’m better than them. I don’t, I love them all, but I’m having trouble convincing them otherwise (I’ve made a few missteps, like getting them Christmas gifts from a trip overseas, which I think was interpreted as rubbing their faces in my ‘lifestyle’, if that makes sense. I truly felt like I was getting them nice gifts that showed I was thinking of them. Also, I don’t visit as often as I probably should.)

Anyway, stepsister 1 gave birth last summer and I didn’t get her any sort of “congratulations” gift because I was still feeling bad about how my Christmas gifts were received, wasn’t sure what to get her, and was very aware of the fact that she was (and is) a below-the-poverty-line single mom, and anything beyond essentials might be interpreted as frivolous, while essentials are kind of hard to gift from across the country. I didn’t even send a card or anything, which I feel pretty guilty about. I don’t know how my lack of gift/card was received, or if it was even noticed.

However, stepsister 2 gave birth last week, and I hadn’t planned on doing much beyond sending a card until I received an email from my father that casually mentioned that the baby was given my name. I have no idea why my stepsister would have done this (beyond just liking the name, but the email gave the impression that it was done with me in mind. My name is, while not unusual, not terribly common, so I doubt it was a coincidence).

Now I feel like I should get her something beyond a card. Should I? And if I do, should I get something for stepsister 1, too? Or should I just keep it simple, and maybe send them each a card? Do I need to acknowledge that the baby and I have the same name? If I do get either of them a gift, what should it be (keeping in mind that I don’t want them to think I’m showing off)? The next time I could conceivably see either of them would be next September, but I could always send something in the mail. I’m sure I’m over thinking this, but I’d like to try to smooth things over and not offend anyone.

Unwanted iPod vs. Happy Girlfriend

edbyford — Sun, 07 Jan 2007 03:53:50 -0800

My girlfriend gave me an iPod Nano for Christmas but I was going to ask for a iPod 60GB for my birthday. What can I do? My girlfriend, who is a student, spent a relatively large amount of her own money on an iPod nano (2GB) for me, which of course was very touching and generous of her.
BUT I was going to ask for, for my birthday (in February) an iPod 60GB, as I have a huge amount of music which I want to carry around with me.

She, in the meantime, has admired my iPod Nano and expressed a desire to have one herself. I'm really pleased with my nano but it just doesn't quite fit my 'needs'! But then if I said that she would feel, understandably, feel disappointed that she put in the money and effort for nothing.

How do I have my cake and eat it, i.e. get an iPod 60GB without offending her?

Thanks for your time.

I don't want a wedding list/gift registry!

tonylord — Wed, 01 Nov 2006 11:06:09 -0800

How do I avoid a "wedding" list (or gift registry as they're called here) without upsetting people? So my partner and I are going to get civil partnered when we move back to the UK in about a year's time. The ceremony itself won't be for almost 2 years, but true to my usual form, I am worrying about the organisation a long, long way in advance.

We're keeping the ceremony and reception simple: no speeches from family members or best friends, no cake, no flowers. We want our guests to have fun and for it to be beautiful, but we want to keep hassle to a minimum. The way we see it, civil partnerships are new and exciting and we don't have to stick to the traditional etiqutte associated with straight weddings. We're likely to have the ceremony and reception in East Sussex (on the South Coast of England, near where we live in Brighton), which is already a bit of a journey for most of our guests. Most of our friends live in London, but our families live further North and everyone will probably have to stay over in a hotel, making it a moderately expensive do for them.

We are very uncomfortable with the idea of people buying us gifts to celebrate our partnership. We see our decision to get partnered as our own (we'll be paying for the ceremony and reception ourselves) and we don't need help to "get started in life". By the time of the ceremony we'll have lived together for 6 years, so we don't need any new household stuff. In our eyes, people making the effort to come is present enough. An additional factor is that the contents of most wedding lists seem extraordinarily banal: and are not personal to the giver (as another poster put it "Congratulations! Here's a mixing bowl! I know you will cherish it forever and rember us always when you use it."). So we're thinking of asking people to not give us gifts.

However, pretty much everyone we've discussed this with has been horrified. Objections are either practical or material: ie
EITHER people will want to buy you something (and you won't dissuade them), so rather than end up with 40 carving sets, give them a list to choose from
OR this is the one time in your life you will get to choose expensive glassware etc and have someone else pay for it, do don't be a numbnut.
There are also lots of people who won't be coming to the ceremony (either cos they're not invited or because they won't be able to make it) but would still want to give us something.

What to do? I don't want to offend anyone and imply that we are too good for their gifts. On the other hand I am deeply opposed to the idea that we deserve or should ask for presents, simply because we are getting hitched. What do you feel about asking people to make a donation to a particular charity? I know that some people may be upset by this and see it as impersonal. Others (notably my mother) will probably buy us something and give the donation, meaning that we may still end up with 40 carving sets.

It has been suggested that we ask for things that we do want and will use. Ironically, the one thing that would really help us (and in my view the worst thing we could ask for) would be a cash donation: my partner will be opening a retail business just before we get hitched and we'll be scrimping and saving for a few years. Others have suggested that we ask for eg travel vouchers or a donation towards the honeymoon, both of which we would enjoy.

I have no idea what to do! Help!

Baby Shower etiquette for men/dummies

iTristan — Sun, 11 Jun 2006 14:43:10 -0800

If my wife hosts a baby shower, fairly large (30+ people) for her friend (with all the expense, labour and effort that requires) would she still be expected to give a present to her friend on top of this?

Inheritance etiquette?

Anonymous — Sat, 23 Apr 2005 12:13:15 -0800

Is it overly-morbid to thank a (still-living) relative for including you in their will? I recently found out from an elderly relative that she is leaving me part of her estate. It's not a retire-right-now-to-a-tropical-island amount, but will probably end up being between 3-4 times my current annual salary. I was very surprised to find out about this, and am very pleased about the money. I'd like to express my gratitude to her somehow, but am not sure (1) if it's appropriate and (2) what to say. I don't want to come across as saying, "wow, when you die you'll make me very happy," but I want to acknowledge this gift somehow while I still have the chance. She doesn't really need anything in terms of physical gifts, but I would like to make her an audio cassette (she's blind) that she can play in private. If I express my thanks, will I be reminding her too much of her own mortality?

Returned Gift to Company for Refund; Chargeback Given to Gift-Giver

bonheur — Mon, 03 Jan 2005 14:46:01 -0800

Is there a good way to go about returning or exhanging gifts without embarrassing anybody? [MI] I was raised to believe that gifts should be treasured and returning a gift is a slap in the face to the giver. However, going through my stuff during a recent move made me realize how many gifts I have sitting around with the tags still on that I will never use. I decided that this year, any gifts I won't use I'll return to the store for an exchange or refund. Lo and behold, I received one particularly expensive item I decided I didn't need, so I contacted the store (in another state) and arranged to ship them the item in exchange for a refund. I received a letter from the store today containing a credit card receipt, and stating that the refund had been made to the credit card the item was purchased with. What do I do now? Contact the original giver and explain the situation and ask them to write me a check? Contact the store and try to wheedle a check out of them? Pretend nothing has happened? I'm embarrassed, and I'm afraid the gift-giver will be too. Help.

Should I give my boss a Christmas present?

u.n. owen — Tue, 21 Dec 2004 12:50:12 -0800

WorkplaceEtiquetteFilter: I plan to give my boss his Christmas gift tomorrow. But now I've seen some people on some other sites (fark, ahem) saying that getting a gift for the boss is "ass-sucking" (they sure have a way of talking over there!). So I'm wondering: is my rather nice gift going to be perceived as my being an ass? [+] He is basically the reason I got my job - even though my qualifications were somewhat lacking, he believed in my talent from the beginning and made my moving here possible. And so, the gift is pretty nice (he likes old books, he likes Mark Twain, so I got him a first edition of my favorite Twain book).

Other notes: he has literally no family and this will probably be pretty much the only gift he gets. Also, I am the only employee under him - I am not having to deal with other people at my same employment level. He and I are the only 2 people in the department.

Gift Rebate

Alylex — Tue, 23 Dec 2003 17:19:11 -0800

Gift etiquette question: I bought my parents a digital camera and extra memory card for Christmas. There is a mail-in rebate for the memory card -- but to get it I have to have the barcode from inside the hard plastic shell package. Assuming my folks like the camera and choose to keep it, I'd like to get the rebate without looking like a skinflint. Other than secretly rummaging through the garbage cans in the aftermath of the gift exchange, what's the polite way to handle this?