Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with gender

Eye contact

punkfloyd — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 10:33:50 -0800

Why do (American) women tend to avoid casual eye contact with men as they walk by, enter an elevator, etc... I know there is the obvious issue of not wanting to appear “interested” or send a sexual signal...but does that explain everything? Please take a leap of faith and trust me when I say I ask ONLY from a sociological/ psychological perspective...and not from a “hey why won’t that chick look at me” point of view. I am happily married and not on the prowl! Just wonder what factors condition women to be this way. I mean, when two men walk past as strangers they commonly make eye contact and offer a quick greeting. In my experience, women rarely do the same.

gender and genetics

effluvia — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 11:18:11 -0800

Please recommend reading that will help me understand the role gender and gender hormones play in determining which parental gene set dominates in an individual.

Our child would surely bring honor to the Sparklejam name!

amanda — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 16:04:47 -0800

So, the Mr. and I have different last names. I did not take his name upon marriage. Now we are discussing very hypothetical children and I'm looking for some good hive mind rumination on the proper course of action. When we got married, the Mr. wanted me to take his name. I demurred for both personal and political reasons. Ultimately, because he is such a good guy, he didn't press the issue and we have gone about our happily married lives with two last names. This has rarely caused me any problems and none of our relatives seem to have gotten too twisted up about it.

However, once children (hypothetical! there are none in the works!) come along -- what's best to do? We have long joked about coming up with a new last name along the lines of Hollywood or Sparklejam but we seem too far gone in our established names to come up with a new name and there's nothing that appeals to us.

A hyphenate of our name was rejected at marriage because our two names together make up 6 syllables and 18 letters (19 if you count the space in between). They do not roll together.

He wants our (hypothetical) children to have his last name. That makes me feel left out. I suggested the first one takes his and the (very hypothetical) second takes mine. Or, to borrow from an Icelandic naming tradition, the girls take mine and the boys take his. But, that last one doesn't really appeal for a couple reasons. What if I only had boys? I'd still get left out.

So, questions -- what do you think about kids with different last names from each other or from a parent? What do you think about four names for a kid Firstname Middlename Mylastname Hislastname? I'm essentially still getting left out there in the long run but maybe I'm okay with that option.

I suppose this is a modern phenomena -- what have you seen out there that works? Is there an equitable way to balance this?

But what's it there for? Do you actually sleep on it?

lunalaguna — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:37:30 -0800

Little known facts about men My boyfriend was shocked (shocked!) recently when I told him that many women's bathrooms have couches or chairs in them. I was surprised no one had ever told him this before, or that he'd never been in a women's bathroom. (I've had jobs where I've cleaned men's bathrooms, so that world is no secret to me.)

It got me wondering whether there are certain facts about men or common experiences they have that I'm totally unaware of as a woman. Guys, are there things you encounter pretty regularly that a women would know nothing about? Girls, have you ever learned something about men that's both common and surprising?

Sir / Ma'am / ???

Zarkonnen — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:18:14 -0800

What's the gender-neutral equivalent to "Sir" and "Ma'am"? I'm writing a story (well, a game, really) that contains a character, neither male nor female, whose male/female counterparts of the same rank (captain) are addressed as "Sir" and "Ma'am" respectively.

What mode of address do I use for this character? I imagine that there is no official answer, so I'd like your help in making up a good one. It needs to not stick out, and ideally have some kind of underlying rationale.

He's not refusing to be a man. What to do, what to do.

ellehumour — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 18:32:30 -0800

difficult gift shopping filter: Help me find books, toys, comics, music, etc that provide a broad, varying, and largely non-traditional view of masculinity for my little brother, who is absolutely nothing like me or anyone else in our family. More details than necessary inside! My twelve-year-old brother is the only boy in his immediate family. He has two sisters, two mothers, two former foster-mothers who are still part of his life, a biological grandmother, and an occasionally-present-but-mostly-absent biological mother. Bio-dad is not in the picture; adoptive uncles are in the American midwest, thousands of miles away and across a border. As far as friends and non-family-influences go, he lives in a very small town which some might classify as "hick" - if it's anything like how it was when I was growing up there (many years ago now - there is an eleven-year age gap between me and my brother), the vast majority of his peers are the children of dyed-in-the-wool rednecks, and well on the way to becoming dyed-in-the-wool rednecks themselves.

All the women in his life are very strong feminists, which is great in that (unlike his redneck-to-be peers) he respects women, but not so great in that he doesn't really have a lot of male role models to look up to, and as such, he tends to latch on to popular representations of masculinity and emulate them with great zeal.

He plays soccer, football, and hockey. He's in the boy scouts. He wants to join the military when he grows up. He's very nationalistic. He eats meat (I was raised vegetarian in that same household). I thought I had become the black sheep of the family by eschewing university to become an activist and artist, but this kid has me beat for that position by going in the exact opposite direction.

I'm not super-concerned - my mother, while supportive of his interests, is terrified that he'll get hurt playing violent sports and/or turn into some kind of adolescent fascist, but I figure it's probably just a phase, as he tries to figure out what his identity is as a guy in a very female-oriented environment. Nevertheless, in doing my (early-ass, I know) Christmas shopping, it occurred to me that it might help to present him with some alternate expressions and interpretations of masculinity - feminine boys, pacifist boys, queer boys, disabled boys, boys opposed to sexism, racism, etc as, well, boys. Boys who don't act like the boys and men on TV and in most mainstream comic books and novels. Men who take the expression of their masculinity beyond that of your average mainstream rock band.

Twelve years old is too young for Propagandhi's Less Talk, More Rock and too old for children's books with simple messages like Free To Be You And Me. As a kid, I systematically sought out and (figuratively) devoured books, movies and comics that featured heroines who were strong, firm in their convictions, capable, and cast off traditional womens' roles - what are some similar works of fiction, but for boys? Where is the Le Tigre of the adolescent boys' world? Where is the sequel to The Practical Princess - a book called The Prince Who Was Secure in His Masculinity, Comfortable With His Sexuality, And Empowered His Subjects By Treating Them All With Dignity?

Show me the way, Hive Mind. Help me help a twelve year old boy in a small town help himself.

Apologies if this ran a bit long. I am pedantic.

Fictional M to fictional F?

sively — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 07:27:32 -0800

Looking for fictional female characters originally written as men. I'm interested in fictional women in literature, cinema, comic books, TV etc., whose characters were originally meant to be men, but at some point during the creative process / production became female characters in stead. (Be it due to casting decisions, publisher's feedback, other external influence, writer's sudden eureka moments... Any reason at all.)

The only two examples coming to my mind are:
- Judi Dench as M
- Sigourney Weaver as Ripley (although according to Wikipedia, all the characters in Alien were originally written "unisex", and the producers decided to cast a woman)

Although "MTF" is my main interest, I'm also curious to hear about male characters originally intended to be women - if that ever happens - or other gender-bending changes during any stage of the process, for that matter. (Just to be sure: I don't mean stories such as Orlando, where gender change itself is part of the story line.)

Also, any suggestions for further reading, background or general articles related to this topic would be much appreciated.

gender-neutral first names of any ethnicity

Karmakaze — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 07:48:39 -0800

I'm trying to put together a list of gender-neutral first names. I run table-top roleplaying games at conventions, with characters provided. (For those of you who don't play pencil-and-paper roleplaying games, just think of the characters I'm talking about as synopses for improv characters.) One of the frustrations I've run across as a player is that I'm frequently the only female at the table and feel pressured to take the sole female character offered rather than having my choice. If I do play as a male, it can get tiresome having to constantly correct pronouns among people I don't know very well. Because of this, I try to make as many characters as possible neutral and let the player choose which way they want to play it. That way, if they're "cross-playing", at least it's because they want to.

I've just about run through the common neutral names: Terry, Morgan, Chris and so forth. (Pat is out, thanks to Saturday Night Live.) I've also realized that the neutral names I know are also limiting me somewhat by ethnicity. What are good names that don't immediately announce gender?

There are no gay people in the future. (Or are there?)

mumble — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 15:55:41 -0800

Looking for book recs about sci-fi, specifically about gender issues and jetpack-related physics. Slowly easing my way into science fiction (classic Star Trek as of right now, with some Blade Runner/Electric Sheep-related thoughts and plans to branch out some more), interested in two aspects of discussion right now. I did some quick Amazon and Google searches (not very helpful) and poked around a bit at AskMe, and was hoping for specific recommendations about these things:

1) Sci-fi as a white, male space </allegation>: Essay collections prefered over single-topic tomes. I'm referring specifically to sci-fi movies and novels and the way women, sexuality and/or race are handled in the narrative and, to a lesser extent, the history and culture of the genre as a whole.

2) Why transwarp teleportation will never be possible </opinion>: Books on the science behind the fiction, preferably written for the layperson without being overly cutesy about it. This sounded pretty ideal, until I read the last paragraph of this review. See 1).

Not looking for actual novel recs, just the meta. Will also take specific essays that can be found online, if you feel like sharing a link. Thanks very much in advance!

My husband is transgendered. How do I tell my parents?

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 04:07:18 -0800

My husband will probably be starting hormones and this may eventually lead to gender reassignment surgery. I fully support him, however it goes. There is a lot of advice out there for how transgendered people should tell their partners or parents, but very little for how supportive partners should tell their families. Any advice? (longer story inside) Some background: both of us are in our mid-30s, we have been together for 6 years, and I've known about his identity since before we started dating. I (female) identify as gay/bi -- well, I thought I was entirely interested in women before meeting him, now I'm not sure what you'd call me, nor do I really care that much. Our relationship is extremely happy, our sex life is great, and I love him (call him Chris) dearly; he is the bravest and strongest and funniest person I know. [I am calling him "he" because that is the pronoun he usually uses nowadays, even though "she" is closer to the emotional truth.]

He has spent the last 7 years (ever since telling me) doing a combination of hoping that he could ignore it, and then eventually (as it became clear that that wasn't working) slowly doing lots of painstaking psychological work on himself. Over the past two years or so he has come to the conclusion that he really has to do something more than just internal psychological work: i.e., visiting a therapist, starting to take hormones, and include as a possible end-goal having a sex-change operation. He is quite miserable with this aspect of his life as it currently stands. I am fully supportive of whatever option he chooses to take. The money for surgery, should it come to that, won't be an issue, nor will his job situation.

I'm writing because we both really feel like I should tell my parents. He told his a year ago, and (though it threw them for a loop) they responded about as well as you could possibly expect: telling him they love him still, will support him, etc, even though they are made obviously uncomfortable by it (and I expect that once he starts showing physical changes will be more so, but they will probably be able to work through it).

My parents, though, are much less worldly and open than his ... they are impressively open-minded for their cultural background, but also have fairly rigid senses of what is proper and what isn't. When I came out to them, the result was two years worth of extremely awkward silence on the entire topic of relationships, though they did not shun me in general or anything, and it was quite clear they still loved me. Eventually, when I had been dating a woman somewhat seriously for a while, my dad gave me a little speech about how whoever I fell in love with was fine with them, and things got somewhat better; but we still didn't talk about it much and they were still enormously, transparently relieved when Chris and I started dating. I obviously didn't give them any of the transgender backstory at the time; I publicly identify as bi to them, but we really don't talk about it. They really, really like Chris, and not just because he seems like a guy to them.

I am fairly close to them (even though we don't talk about some things), and I truly like and admire them. I also live quite far away, so really only see them a few weeks out of every year. I want to tell them about Chris because it's starting to feel like a huge secret to keep, and it's going to come out (no pun intended!) at some point soon anyway once he does start with the hormones, and especially if surgery and living full-time as a woman becomes a realistic option. The sooner we tell my parents, the more time they have to get their heads around it.

An additional complication is that they live in the town I grew up in, which is very small and fairly conservative. My parents are very well known and many people know and still ask about me. So even if they were okay with things, Chris getting a sex change would put them in many difficult social situations; in fact, I think they would probably have more social fallout than we would (we live in a fairly open-minded metropolis, and many of our friends either know already or will probably be okay with it when we tell them). I feel bad about this, but don't see any way to stop it.

Anyway, a few questions.

1. If you were my parent, how would you want to be told? What things should I emphasize or downplay? I plan on saying that I still love and support him, and that it wasn't something he did "to" me, and that our situation is stable, with friends, etc. Other thoughts?

2. How should I play this, long-term? I was thinking of telling them, and then backing off entirely and giving them several months to process it before saying anything more on the topic. Then I would slowly raise it casually in conversation (e.g. "Chris saw the therapist for the first time today") and gradually require more out of them in terms of talking about it, etc. But I don't really know. We just visited and probably won't see them in person again for many months.

3. How explicit should I be of our expectations for them? What I really hope is that they do their best to inform themselves about what it all means, and (even if they don't understand) try to accept Chris as he (or maybe eventually she) is. And make it so that I can bring Chris when I visit without horrible awkwardness. But should I give a timeline? Is that too dictator-like? Will that alienate them even more?

4. Why am I so nervous about this? It's almost worse than when I came out myself, even though it's not me facing a personal rejection this time.

5. Any other general advice? We both don't really have a lot of perspective on this at this point.

Thanks, and sorry this was so long, it just felt like all these details were important.

My throwaway email is: tellingparentsabouttghusband@yahoo.com.

Science Fiction films dealing with sex-change?

kolophon — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 07:05:19 -0800

Science Fiction films dealing with sex-change? We are going to have a reading of Neil Gaimans short story "Changes" in which a cure for cancer "has the side effect of ‘reformatting’ the subject’s body into the opposite sex."
Now we would like to show a science fiction film with a somewhat silmilar topic afterwards. Is there anything that would come to your mind?

A guy and a girl singing together?

zeek321 — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 07:07:03 -0800

I am a music ignoramus. But, I know I really like a man and a woman (a guy and a girl) singing together. Call and response, harmony, part of the lyrics or not, I think it's really amazing when a masculine voice and feminine voice are working together. I like Andrew Bird, Bonnie Prince Billy, Dent May, ...and Avril Lavigne. (Work with me, here.)

What are some amazing bands or just songs with a male and a female lead singer, where the music can be subtle, epic, ambient, soaring, mournful, bittersweet, peaceful, emotionally intimate or just with an awesome and/or racy and/or in-your-face pop hook?

Bonus #1: If you have additional info about whether the music is a team effort, who the creative force is, is there a friendship or relationship outside of the music, etc., that would be very cool.

Bonus #2: Is there a song called "Sleeping Together" where one of the lyrics is "like two notes, sustained"?

P.S. Previously. Noted.

Multitasking

twine42 — Mon, 25 May 2009 05:31:54 -0800

It seems to be a commonly acceptably statement that women are better at multi-tasking than men. Is there any research into the opposite? Purely anecdotal evidence suggests that women aren't as hot at single tasking as men, but I've never seen this suggested...

I'm Michael, not Mike. How do I get this into people's heads?

madcaptenor — Fri, 22 May 2009 18:41:58 -0800

I'm Michael, not Mike. How do I make sure people know this? (Extra degree of difficulty: for a few years I was a girl, so I'm sensitive about names in some weird ways.) How do I get people to call me Michael, instead of Mike?

I was born Michael; that's what's on my birth certificate. My parents insisted that I be called Michael, at least until I decided that I wanted to be called something else. At some point I must have started going by Mike, but I don't remember it.

I used a different name for four years, a name which was unambiguously female, because I identified as transgendered. (I don't identify that way any more, but I also wouldn't say I identify as entirely male, whatever that means.) A bit under a year ago I went back to using my birth name. I told everyone to call me "Michael". I did think about using a less obviously gendered name, but I couldn't find one I liked. Also, I never legally changed my name, so it was the easiest thing to do.

For a while, people did call me "Michael". But I've noticed that a few people have started calling me "Mike". That's not my name. I haven't talked to them about it, because they're for the most part people I'm not going to see much of in the future, so it's not worth my trouble. But I foresee it bothering me more and more in the future. (Perhaps I think of "Mike" as me-as-a-teenager and am trying to draw a distinction between him and me.)

So, the question: how do I get people to call me Michael? Preferably without seeming too pompous. And preferably without actually talking to people, because I find it difficult to assert that Michael is my name when I spent a while not too long ago asserting that it was not my name.

And also, what do you think about people named "Mike" as opposed to people named "Michael"?

Sort of a sub-question: I'm a graduate student, I'm teaching a summer course (it's my own course; I've been a TA before) and this is the first time I've taught since changing my name back. I think I want my students to call me Michael, because:
1. I don't have a PhD yet, so "Dr. Lastname" is inaccurate;
2. I'm not a professor, so "Professor Lastname" is inaccurate;
3. "Mr. Lastname", because of the aforementioned gender identity issues, sounds like a lie.
The culture at my institution seems to be that the undergrads call TAs by their first names and faculty "Dr. X" or "Professor X"; a graduate student who's the sole instructor for a course kind of seems like a gray area, but I've already gotten one e-mail from a student which began "Mr. Lastname".

And yes, I've seen this post (by a woman who has a name pronounced like mine! and this one on Dave vs. David, which includes the wonderful comment "If you're not upper management, and you say you prefer "Michael" or "David" or "Gabriel", you're gay."

Sex without pleasure

alice ayres — Fri, 22 May 2009 10:15:10 -0800

Does there exist a culture where sex doesn't result in orgasm? Just finished reading Do They Hear You When You Cry? I started trying to write a story about a futuristic society, and I am coming up short with my limited knowledge. I am wondering if there exists a culture where men ejaculate, but neither the man nor woman experience pleasure when having sex? Links, books, movies (or any other pop culture media), etc? I am familiar with some countries and cultures that practice female circumcision, but are there cultures/countries where men and women BOTH do not derive pleasure from sex? Or even where a man does not derive pleasure from sex?

Follow up (in the event that no such culture exists) - I would assume that this type of culture would have a huge effect on power relations and sexuality and relationships. With my limited knowledge, I feel ill-equipped to say exactly what the effect may or may not be based on actual evidence. Would this be negative or positive [to use generic terms]?

Full disclosure: I'm not a professional writer. I would just like to make sure my story has realistic undertones. Fauziya Kassindja's story moved me, and I am afraid my preconceived notions and lack of concentrated study in this area will lead me to make broad, sweeping wrong generalizations.

Where is this picture from?

tozturk — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 09:33:22 -0800

Where is this picture from? A couple of weeks ago I came across this picture as it was making the rounds on the internet. Does anyone have a clue if this is real and if so, what book or magazine it's from?

Thanks!

Friendships: do i just accept that I'm not gonna understand my guy friends?

paperlanterns — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 12:40:06 -0800

Do you approach same-sex and opposite-sex friendships similarly in terms of expectations of care and respect? First of all, I know rationally it is good never to have expectations when you enter a friendship. But generally, most people would agree that friendship is based on respect, commonality, etc.

As a woman, my female friendships are very respectful. Calls or texts every so often to see how the day/week/month (depending on level of friendship) was, emails sent with funny links, or "thought of you - here's some info i thought you'd like" blah blah.

My friendships with men are weird and I've never know how to act/react. I can talk about anything with them, etc, but sometimes I feel like I'm not respected as a woman. Does this make sense? Like, yeah these guys call each other dumb names and bust on eahc other, and they'll do it to me, I can take that... to a point. I feel like if I ever try to say very off-handedly w/out being a drama queen, "Look dude, why don't we just chill with the xyz" i get teased even further. Or they'll be very blunt with me. Like, if I am talking to a female friend, we'll be, ya know, sympathetic/empathetic. With my guy friends, if I say something or bring up a problem they don't agree with, they're like "oh that's dumb. oh that's weird. oh that's stupid."

I know I am talking like I am a 12 year old girl but I'm in my mid 20s. It's just that I have never really experienced having friends and interacting socially the way most people do till my 20s.

I have a lot more spontaneous fun with the guys, but I feel more warmth and care from the women. I don't need to feel the nurturing stuff from the dudes, and i don't need to be treated with kid gloves, I can hold my own in conversations and argue back, etc. but sometimes I would like to be treated as a "female friend" not "just one of the guys." For instance, I would prefer "hey paperlanterns we're going to a movie" NOT "hey dawg we're going to a movie."

I feel like the guys I hang with are fun, but thoughtless. Am I oversensitive? Generally speaking, should I approach female and male friendships differently? I think my problem is I approach all my friendships similarly. Anybody been in a similar situation or have any advice? thanks.

P.S. In case any of this is germane, I am no supermodel, but I would consider myself fairly goodlooking, or at least, I make an attempt to be--I wear makeup, feminine clothes, nail polish, jewelry, I am in shape.

How can I adjust my ph to make it ideal for gender selection?

kochanie — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 19:39:08 -0800

My husband and I are trying to have a baby girl. I have some questions about preconception gender selection techniques. I know from school that x-sperm survive and swim better in an acidic environment. I also know that the ph of my "environment" will change during the ovulation cycle. I have the dates that during my cycle will favor a girl (and yes, I do know that it is not foolproof. We are just looking something to tip the scales in our favor.) I was also given a diet that will help and was told that there are some other products (not douches) that will alter my ph. Can anyone help me with finding something that will help skew the ph of my "environment" to be 5.9 or lower (that is the number that I was given)? Also, I am wondering what anyone thinks of this? Please note that I have not read any of the details of the Dr. Shettles method and am therefore not using it. But, I am open to any suggestions that anyone should have to help. Also, we would like to do this the natural way seeing as how with the enconomy, sperm sorting and IVF is not an ideal option financially. So, pretty much anything else is out of the question right now.

Stupid stupid stupid

Mave_80 — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 12:36:37 -0800

Waste of a question-filter: Can anybody remember one of those stupid "do you think more like a man or woman" tests? I'm trying to remeber one of those stupid tests kids ask each other to trick each other. Only thing I can really remember about it is that it involved about 5 questions and one question involved how you look at fingernails. A bloke would curl his fingers over his hand, while a woman apparently would stretch her hand hand out with fingers stretched straight out. Can anyone remember the rest of the questions?

Can't believe I'm asking this. Urgh.

Transgender resources in SF and the BA?

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 21:36:06 -0800

Transgender resources in San Francisco and the Bay Area? I've hit my wall and I can't take it any more. I need help. I don't have a fetish - well, except for the fact I love clothes like many women. I'm not closeted gay boy who simply wants to be flamboyant. Oh, I wish it were that easy.

I have severe gender dysphoria and it's slowly killing me and poisoning my relationships with just about anyone in my life. I'm envious and jealous of the women in my life and resentful of the men who expect me to meet their standards of emotional and physical masculinity.

Above all I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of trying to live two lives and keeping the best parts of me a secret. I'm tired of lying to myself and the people I love. It's well past time to deal with this.

I'm looking for MTF transgender resources in SF and the Bay Area and I'm scared and feeling alone and a bit lost.

To begin with I need counseling, therapy and someone professional to talk to.

I also need any and all information about HRT and SRS that I can get.

Where do I start? Is The Center (on Market Street) a good place to talk to someone in person? Who do I talk to? What do I say?

What are my options?

First or second hand advice is very appreciated, particularly about how to deal with the pitfalls of Standards of Care and the malformed DSM-IV, how to deal with public intolerance, how to foster and nurture the courage to just be myself and be true to myself despite all of the ignorant bastards in this world.

Emotional and moral support is also appreciated.

Out of thread email replies may be directed to skirtsandmoreskirtsandmore@gmail.com - but please, be brave. Post here if you can. You might help someone else if you post here.

How many men have written work under a woman's name?

kestralwing — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 20:38:26 -0800

Can you think of any men who write, or have written, or create in any medium, under a woman's name? (I'm excluding transsexuals, and examples such as men in Shakespearean theatre and Japanese Noh Theatre.) There are plenty of women who have written under men's names, but I can't come up with a single example of the other way round. A true situation, or just my ignorance? This is for an Outraged Essay I'm writing, about a person who uses a female persona but whose work is full of violence against women. I strongly suspect it's a man, and I'm curious how often men might have used women's names.

Like mother, like son?

Bardolph — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 11:04:38 -0800

Plenty of little boys want to grow up to be just like Dad. But to what extent (and how) are boys' interests/activities/identities influenced by their mothers? My firsthand experience with boy-parenting is nil, but it's always seemed to me that the moms of boys get a raw deal. Most of the men I know admire their fathers and share interests/hobbies with them and try to live up to their example; by contrast, they may love their moms, a lot, but there's also a sense of other-ness that prevents any real identification or comradeship (as distinct from simple affection/comfort/nurture).

In fact, articles like this one seem to suggest that boys of a certain age will actually turn up their noses at activities (however exciting) that are initiated by women, while they clamor for inclusion in any project, however dull, that has a big strong Guy at the helm. It doesn't seem to go both ways: growing up as a girl, I definitely wanted to be like my dad in many ways, and absorbed many of his interests and values. But I haven't heard from any boys who want to emulate their mothers.

I'm wondering whether this is just a biological thing, or whether it's possible to shape a different mother-son dynamic. (The issue isn't entirely academic for me, because I have a ~51% chance of becoming a mother to a boy in a few months' time. My husband will be a great role model, but there are also parts of myself that I'd like to share with kids of either gender-- an interest in building/fixing stuff, for instance, and in exploring the outdoors-- and it would be sad to think that a son might spurn these things as girly or uninteresting just because they're associated with Mom. I know any son I might have will, first and foremost, be himself; but I'd like to think he'd turn out at least a little like me, as well.)

I know the mother/son relationship has been discussed before, but just now I'm looking for comments on the female role model issue specifically. Can anyone share personal anecdotes/reading suggestions/recent studies that might help me understand how sons learn from and are shaped by their mothers?

Looking for a picture that would be worth 1,000 words

Jaltcoh — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 13:30:46 -0800

I'm trying to find a psychological/sociological study on men and women's views of the ideal female body type. Several years ago, in college, I took a "human sexuality" course where our textbook showed two full-body illustrations of adult women standing next to each other. The women were very generic-looking and looked identical aside from their body shape. This was illustrating the results of a study in which men and women were asked to specify what they considered the ideal female body type.

Women's ideal was distinctly skinnier than average, while men's ideal was around average and notably curvy.

I want to do a blog post riffing on this disparity, and I'd love to be able to link to a study like this to use as a starting point. Here are my main criteria:

(1) There has to be a discussion of both men's and women's views contained within a single study.

(2) It has to be about perceived attractiveness of female body types.

(3) I'm interested in reasonably recent studies about current perceptions (not a critique about how Marilyn Monroe used to be considered ideal and so on).

(4) I'd hoping to find that same study or a similar one with illustrations of the different perceived ideals.

(5) It can't be something you'd need to have a paid subscription in order to see.

I've found this surprisingly hard to Google. I've found lots of references to the ideal "hips-waist ratio," but that's limitedly useful since it's only about proportions.

Since this is just for a personal blog and not academic research, there are no real standards for what kind of source I use. But I do want to find scientific data -- not anecdotes or trenchant social commentary.

Do I buy blue or pink?

zardoz — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 17:03:38 -0800

Is my four-months-pregnant wife carrying a boy or a girl? Naturally we don't know, and next month's hospital visit and sonogram might show us, especially if it's a boy, but we have had some "clues" that tell us she has a boy.

1) I know pregnancy cravings are things of legend, but the wife is craving food she almost never eats. Manly food. Like french fries, greasy beef and pork dishes. She's not a vegetarian but eats red meat and even poultry very sparingly. She's had several of her friends--all mothers--say this means she's carrying a boy.

2) Hirsuteness. Her body hair has thickened, to the point that it's actually visible, especially along her belly and even on her breasts. This sounds like a dumb question already, but is this a sign of testosterone (from a baby boy (but would he even be producing it yet?))

3) The last doctor visit showed the fetus to be healthy, and with a high/strong heartbeat, which the doctor said could be an indication of a boy.

For the record, we are both hoping for a girl, but ultimately will be happy with a healthy baby, regardless of sex. I know this is all anecdotal and I might as well just flip a coin, but has anyone had any experience with correctly guessing the gender of a baby?

Smooch mechanics

prefpara — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 12:48:04 -0800

How do you kiss? I would be surprised to learn that any real study of this has ever been performed, so I resort to polling the MeFi population.

When two people kiss, generally, one person kisses the other one's bottom lip and the second person is kissing the first person's top lip. Sort of. If that doesn't make sense, here is a... diagram:

p1.top.lip
(p2.top.lip)
(p1.bottom.lip)
p2.bottom.lip

So, in my limited experience, the guy kisses the girl's bottom lip and the girl kisses the guy's top lip.

Heterosexual MeFites: does this comport with your experience?
Other MeFites: do you observe any relationship between who kisses which lip and who is more "butch"?
Or am I weird, and everyone else just switches a lot?

I apologize if this makes no sense.