Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with gaymarriage

How can I help make same-sex marriage legal?

Mrs. Pterodactyl — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:46:22 -0800

The legalization of same-sex marriage is very important to me. What can I do to help? I don't have much money to donate and I'm wondering what avenues would be best in terms of volunteering my time. Quick background, in case this is relevant in any way: I am a woman married to a man, my mother is an Episcopal priest who agrees with me on this issue and I live in DC so I don't have any congresspeople to whom I can write. What can I do to help make same-sex marriage legal throughout the country?

Hey, can I Yelp your faction?

evil holiday magic — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 12:02:43 -0800

Where to find upcoming protests in Los Angeles? I don't want to delve too deeply into a specific movement at this point (call me a dilettante, though I've been there, and done that), but I'm interested in lending my presence to left wing protests and rallies (anti-privatization, pro-gay marriage, pro-socialized medicine etc.) in Los Angeles.

The ("Anonymous") anti-Scientology protests were organized and scheduled (at least in part) via an online forum. Is there something like this for other subjects, or even a site that compiles many different upcoming political demonstrations according to area?

nom nom nom

you're a kitty! — Tue, 19 May 2009 14:51:22 -0800

Is there a good online form which will allow me to contact my NY state senators and encourage them to vote in favor of the gay marriage bill that's coming up? I found the NOM site and I guess I could try replacing their "marriage is about men and women!" form letter with one that basically says the opposite, but I'm not sure it would actually get through. I don't want to suggest that homophobes are necessarily also going to be sneaky bastards, but they are funding the site, and I doubt there are any kinds of laws about what sort of content they are obligated to pass on. I'm also worried that all the emails from the NOM site will go into a big "count these as anti-gay-marriage emails" bin, utterly defeating my purpose.

I guess I could shoot off an email directly, too, though I wonder if such things actually get read? I'd rather go into the "count these as pro-gay-marriage emails" bin, if possible. So, if anyone knows of a marriage equality site that's running a similar thing, please let me know.

Vow Renewal?

arcticwoman — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 16:41:12 -0800

Are vow renewals sweet and romantic, or trashy attention grabs? Also: should we do it, and how? Almost six years ago, the week gay marriage was legalized in BC, my wife and I eloped. We were young (21 and 22), our families were not supportive of our gay relationship, we were very much in love, and we were also afraid that the right to get married would be a temporary one that we had to take advantage of IMMEDIATELY before it was revoked. We had a lovely ceremony in the city park with a marriage commissioner and half a dozen friends present, and all family members absent. In fact, we planned it for a Thursday, late morning, so that none of our family members could make it. We followed up with lunch at a local sandwich place. It was everything both of us wanted.

Fast forward, we are a little older and still very much in love, but the big difference is that both of our families are very loving and supportive. What's more, neither of my wife's siblings, and none of my (very numerous) siblings is or is intending to ever get married. Also, we're at the age now when all of our friends are getting married and, to be completely honest, I'm a little jealous of the big family parties and the recognition of our relationship.

So, I've been thinking about proposing a vow renewal ceremony. I would like to have a big ceremony in front of / with our beloved friends and family, and then I'd like to have a big party where everyone celebrates love and maybe even gets drunk. I just have this idea that vow renewal ceremonies are trashy, selfish, and silly. I am already married, so there is no legal necessity for any sort of ceremony, so, essentially, the only reason to do this is to get attention, right? I mean, I don't really think so - I think that I would want to have a vow renewal ceremony to be able to share this important thing with my family, but do others see it as just attention-whoring? Will people think it's a desperate bid to get gifts?

Also, I've been looking up vow renewal etiquette and everything says: don't have attendants, don't register for gifts, don't have bachelor/ette parties (which I don't really want, and, anyways, is a bit of a silly concept when applied to most gay relationships), keep it small and simple, don't make a big deal out of it. My problem is that part of my desire to have a vow renewal is because I didn't get any of those things the first time. I want some of my siblings to stand as my attendants, I don't think I want to be given away, but I would want my parents to be involved somehow. Why have a small, private ceremony if the point is to make up for a small, private ceremony? So, if I do decide that a vow renewal isn't trashy, would having a big 'do make it trashy?

Iowa Products Available For Online Order?

The Confessor — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 11:52:31 -0800

I've decided to make a practice of spending a few hundred dollars or so @ online storefronts based in each state that legalizes gay marriage, whether by judicial or legislative action, just by way of saying thank you to its citizens. Vermont was easy; I used to live there, and online "mom and pop" storefronts are ubiquitous, a natural extension of its maple sugaring and tourism industries. But does anybody have any suggestions for Iowa-based products? Most of the storefronts I've found online seem to aggregate products from several different producers, but if possible I want to make my purchases from the producers themselves.

How to Propose (gay male edition)

pointystick — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 09:53:56 -0800

Asking for a friend: Which guy should propose to whom? My friend Thurston is in a relationship with a wonderful, smart guy ("the Professor"). Thurston and the Professor have had discussions about being married someday which they'd both like. Aside from the sad fact that our state currently won't let them marry, Thurston is curious about how the proposal would go since he notes that traditionally the guy asks the girl - is there a rule of thumb for same sex couples?
Advice and anecdotes are welcome. Thurston thanks you in advance.
If it matters, both guys are brainy types and neither is a gooshy romantic but they'd like something between an awkward "hey, wanna go to Canada and get married next week?" and over-the-top shmoopy.

Will the US Supreme Court find that Proposition 8's amendment is unconstitutional?

anotherpanacea — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 06:06:28 -0800

Will the California Constitution be found to violate the US Constitution? Here's what I know: Proposition 8 altered the California Constitution so as to define marriage in such a way as to exclude homosexuals from that institution. The last state that tried to alter its constitution in a manner detrimental to homosexuals was Colorado. Their constitution was successfully challenged in Romer v. Evans, using the 'rational basis' and 'legitimate state interest' standard and arguing that the passage of this amendment came from the 'bare... desire to harm.' Yet the Colorado amendment was a tricky kind of prohibition of prohibitions, designed to prevent protection for a group. As such, it is perhaps more egregious in the Court's eyes than Proposition 8.

After O'Connor's concurrence in Lawrence v. Texas, there is some reason to believe that it is a violation of the equal protection clause to single out homosexuals for doing things essential to their sexual identity. But that case was about criminalizing sodomy, and now we're talking about something else that might be essential to a person's sexual identity: marrying the person she loves.

Here's what I want to know: I'm looking for legally-educated opinions on this one specific question: will the US Supreme Court find that Proposition 8's amendment is unconstitutional? If so, what argument will they use to accomplish it? If not, what is the legal reasoning or combination of concurring justices that will lead to their decision?

Here's my caveat: This question is -not- an attempt to start a conversation. If I wanted to chat about the election, I would have jumped into one of the half-dozen threads where it is currently being discussed. I'm not interested in hypothetical Obama nominations or in lambasting the current members of the Supreme Court.

Half-mast rainbow flag?

fogster — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 20:24:42 -0800

A NYT article on Prop 8 begins, "A giant rainbow-colored flag in the gay-friendly Castro neighborhood of San Francisco was flying at half-staff on Wednesday..." Where can I find that image? Strangely, there is no photo of that attached to the article, nor does Google News want to turn anything relevant up. But I think it's a powerful image and would really like to grab a copy for posterity. Surely, the photo is out (ha) there somewhere?

Are my gay Canadian friends married or not?

nax — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 19:26:32 -0800

The shameful and shameless adoption of Prop 8, as discussed here, makes me wonder. What happens if a legally married gay couple from Canada moves to the US? Doesn't international law obligate us to recognize that marriage? What about a plural marriage from a muslim country that allows it?

Does CA's Proposition 8 infringe on the Bill of Rights?

BuddhaInABucket — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 21:15:59 -0800

If California's Proposition 8 passes, would churches who do perform same-sex marriages be able to appeal to the Supreme Court, arguing that their religious rights are being infringed? If not, why not?
Has there been any speculation to that end in the media or in blogs?

My dog wants to change his name, too. I'm marrying him next week.

Anonymous — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 15:31:15 -0800

How do name changes work for same-sex marriages that are not federally recognized. My wife wants to change her last name. Ordinarily, as this comment lays it out, applying for a new Social Security card is the first step. But our marriage isn't federally recognized, so what happens when she presents the SSA office with our marriage license? Would she need to go through a formal court-driven name change process? If we went to the CA DMV first would the SSA accept the new license?

Yes, we'll probably ask a lawyer. No, you are not my lawyer. Just wondering what experiences others may have had. Anonymous for my privacy and hers.

Can this friendship between a devout Mormon and a gay man be saved?

tumbleweedjack — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 17:31:21 -0800

Am I really going to lose this very important friendship over politics? One of my best friends is a devout Mormon. I am gay, out, and I have a relationship with his entire family, who up until recently have always struck me as very open-minded compared to other Mormons.
Recently, I used an LA Times tool to see if anyone in neighborhoods where I've lived have donated money for or against California's Proposition 8. Lo and behold, there's my best friend's dad, who has donated $5,000 to support the initiative banning gay marriage. I found this upsetting, and decided to talk to my friend about it the next time I saw him- I was under the impression that being such good friends with me, he would have a different opinion about gay marriage than his father.
Today, a few days after that, I sign in to Facebook and see an invitation from my friend to join a group "iSupportMarriage," urging me to vote YES on Proposition 8.
I sent him a text, indignant that he would have the gall to invite ME to such a group. He said he was sorry that he hurt my feelings, he just invited everyone.

In my opinion, it's bad enough that being best friends with a gay guy isn't enough to make you consider whether you want to ban gay marriage. But then on top of that, he doesn't even have the foresight to understand that he can't invite me to join what I basically consider a hate group against a minority that I belong to. He has said that he doesn't want to lose our friendship over this, but my opinion of him has suddenly, irreversibly changed.

I really feel like his support of Proposition 8 indicates a basic lack of respect for me. It makes me feel like I am his family's token gay friend so they can tell themselves how forward-minded they are.

I guess my question is, is this a friendship worth salvaging? Or is this the kind of situation where I have to lose a great friend, someone that I love, because of politics? What would you do?

Brideless Weddings and Other Modern Problems

greekphilosophy — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 07:45:04 -0800

GayFilter: What interesting details and rites can be changed about a gay wedding and reception to make it more distinct? I was sitting at a wedding reception last weekend, and I realized that it might be awkward if my partner tried to take a garter belt off me from under my tuxedo. I also realized that the "father-daughter" dance has very little significance when there is no bride.

Biblical readings about love are nice and all, but it is a little tough to square gay marriage with a reading about how God made Eve out of Adam's rib. And, "Now you may kiss the bride" would result in an awkward silence while everyone wonders...which one of them is the bride?

We have all these rituals associated with marriage - each of which is fun and quirky and enjoyable to those in attendance. But when you have a same-sex couple involved, the dynamic changes drastically.

What different events and rites can we include in the ceremony and reception to fill the void left by the deletion of awkwardly inappropriate moments? Points for creativity!

Gay marriage officiants in Ottawa?

gorgor_balabala — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 08:21:58 -0800

Is there some kind of member-list for gay-marriage officiants in Ottawa? We were there last year on business -- found one, but hadn't managed to get married on our short stay. We're going back this year and intend to get it done.

But I've managed to lose her number. Is there a directory for this sort of thing? Googling has not been productive. I think we had actually found her in an Ottawa phone book! But those are hard to come by in New York (aren't they?).

I would like to find the same officiant that we found last year (just to save face for LOSING her number), but I'm not holding my breath (unhealthy).

Web and print resources for an anxious gay fiancée-to-be

fiercecupcake — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 06:53:31 -0800

Please point me toward resources to help me cope with my family and their responses to my impending (gay) engagement. My Google-fu seems to be failing me. There's more details on my specific situation inside. My girlfriend and I have been together almost three years. In that time, she has met many members of my extended family, and become very friendly with my parents and I with hers. We are both out to our parents; she for about ten years, and me for three or four. I am not out to my extended family.

I get the feeling my parents will be at least somewhat supportive; they like her, and my father is very accepting. My mother still thinks it's a phase or that I will meet "the right man," but I think she is coming around. I don't feel like they will stand up for me if my relatives get nasty about it, though, and most of them are very conservative and somewhat volatile. I don't know how to handle announcing the engagement or the wedding or sending wedding invitations or announcements.

Not telling them is not really an option; this is an important part of my life and every time I see them and have to stay closeted it really hurts me. I want to let them know even if it means they don't speak to me or disinherit me, but I want to minimize the yelling and crying. I am out in every other aspect of my life and I don't want to hide this anymore.

We are buying a ring just now; I don't know when she will formally ask me to marry her, but we both thought I should be involved in picking it out since I will wear it! We plan to get engaged in the next six months and married a year from the engagement.

I have tried Indiebride.com (great site, but the same-sex forum is not very active), a column called Social Grace, and just Googling, and I am not really getting anywhere. I would like to hear from others who have been in this position and how they have handled this. I'm open to advice columns, blogs, books, or wherever people have discussed this.

Thank you for your help. This should be a joyful time to celebrate and share our love, not a situation of compounding anxiety!

What percent of last year's marriages were same-sex marriage?

John Kenneth Fisher — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 11:50:49 -0800

I'd be curious to know if we have numbers on what percent of marriages for, say, last year (the actual span isn't super important, as long as its recent or can be combined with recent to show trends), were same-sex marriages. Worldwide, for a specific state/province, for a specific country, all of the above, whatever. I'm easy. I'll take what I can get. :-)

Single minded political activism

dpx.mfx — Mon, 05 Jun 2006 10:25:33 -0800

Political Activism Question: I want to oppose the marriage amendment. Is there an organization/group of likeminded citizens/whatever that basically takes the position that "hey, it's none of the federal government's business who marries who"? Most of the organizations I've found also deal with other political areas that I may or may not agree with.

Help bring hubby home

evariste — Tue, 07 Feb 2006 19:13:34 -0800

ImmigrationFilter: my good friend is in a serious same-sex romantic relationship with a Bolivian man. They've been a couple for several years, and they would marry if it was possible. They would like to live together as a couple in the US. If they were heterosexuals, they would have wed by now. Since gay marriage isn't exactly recognized by the feds/Immigration & Customs Enforcement, can you help these lovebirds make their nest? If you have questions for my friend that would help you answer this question, I'll forward them to him and then answer on his behalf.

Could a gay person from the US seek asylum?

Thu, 09 Dec 2004 09:12:42 -0800

This got me to thinking: Could a gay person/couple from the US seek asylum in another country (Canada, Sweden, etc) due to persecution/lack of civil liberties/some other reason?

Moral Calculus.

IshmaelGraves — Sun, 07 Nov 2004 09:24:47 -0800

EthicsFilter: Do you support making what you feel is an unjust law or policy more equitable? [MI] For example, if you (please leave aside your personal beliefs here, we're being hypothetical) oppose government involvement in marriage, but believe in equal treatment for gay people, should you support extending legal marriage to gays? Does the severity of the issue matter, i.e., if there were a law allowing straight couples to beat their children severely in certain cases, would you support extending that right to gays? Or, on the other side of the issue, if you believe that schools shouldn't enforce dress codes, and also that religious groups shouldn't receive special rights, do you support or oppose exemptions to existing dress codes for religious reasons (yarmulke, burqa, etc.)?

If this is a judgement you make on a case-by-case basis, what factors influence your decision? How do you decide when the harm of furthering a bad policy outweighs the harm of inequality?