Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with gay

Do you know of somewhere funky to have a civil partnership in South Wales (Cardiff)?

Nufkin — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 05:26:58 -0800

Does anyone know of any cool places to have a civil partnership in or around Cardiff, UK (or South Wales in general) as my current option may not be a possibility? I had intended to have a relatively small ceremony at the St David's hotel (for roughly 40 people) but it turns out that the hotel may be changing their two smaller function rooms into bedrooms.

These rooms were idea as they overlooked both Cardiff bay (a place dear to the hearts of most people who will be invited) and fulfilled my desire to be married somewhere prestigious.

Our planned date is late May 2011; from what I understand this means that we need to book somewhere soon.

We would like somewhere funky or different somehow. Not somewhere just in the city (there is a nice Hilton in Cardiff but it is in the city centre and just not for us).

The job offer, the boyfriend, and the dilemma

Anonymous — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 13:18:07 -0800

I'm considering a great job offer in another state, and what it might mean for my two-year relationship. Help me develop a framework for making some decisions about all this. For the past two years, I've been dating a great guy. He's the sweetest man I've ever met, would do anything for me, and if I asked him to marry me tomorrow (and if it were legal; I'm also a guy), he would in a heartbeat.

Last week, I was offered a stellar job in DC (I live in Minnesota). Without my partner in the picture, I'm 95% sure I would accept the job without hesitation. It's a great fit for my skills, I love the organization, I really like the team I'd be working with and the fellow I'd be working for, I love the project I'd be helping to lead, etc. I'm currently an independent contractor, making a nice living working remotely (and temporarily) for a company in Florida. I've turned down a number of jobs while carefully considering my next step, but this feels like the right one. I'll miss Minnesota, but wouldn't mind being back on the East Coast, close to many friends and closer to family.

My partner was let go from his job earlier this year, partly because he spent too much time visiting me while I worked in another state for nine months. When I returned to Minnesota this past summer, we discussed living together, but I told him I wasn't ready. Now, he'd have absolutely no hesitation about moving with me to DC, but I still have concerns.

I'm the coldly rational guy in the relationship; he's the warm, emotional one. This is the longest, deepest relationship I've ever been in (we're both 29).* He's had one other significant relationship, and it ended badly a while after he dropped out of college to move with his lover across the country. I try not to view this last fact as foreshadowing, especially considering he's just restarted college (a distance education program, unaffected by the move).

Like any relationship, ours has highs and lows, and I have no idea which will outweigh which in the years to come. I love him. I still don't know (and I'm not sure I ever will) if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He has depression, which he takes medication for, and which I've come to learn a lot about. Till now, I've been able to take our relationship a day at a time. This job offer changes that situation.

One of the reasons I hesitated to move in together previously was concern over our widely asymmetrical financial situations. I wanted to be sure he retained his financial independence in case things didn't work out. Another reason is that I really value my own space. I've never lived with a boyfriend before, and I've also never had a bad breakup - I tend to find a correlation there. On some level, I might be a classic commitment-phobe, but I think that phobia's expressed itself in mostly healthy, prudent ways.

The prospect of moving across the country together really ups the ante. We'd have to live together, and my salary would have to cover most of the [significantly higher] cost of living, at least until he finds a job. He'd be dependent on me, to a degree, and economically (as well as emotionally) devastated if "things didn't work out." But I think the pressures of cohabitation in a place where he has no job and no friends would be a difficult test for our relationship, especially with such high stakes.

If I decline a terrific offer, mostly to stay here with him, I worry that decision would have other portents for our relationship. I worry that I wouldn't be able to avoid projecting onto him some of my regret at passing on a great opportunity, the way I suspect he secretly projects onto his ex his decision to drop out of college. I also worry that after my contract work ends, the only local opportunities I'd find would be significantly inferior to the DC gig. Every job offer I've turned down so far has been in a different state, and I fear my career will force my hand sooner rather than later.

I don't think it would be feasible for us to date long-distance again. We had the leisure of visiting each other at least once a month during my 9-month sojourn. But now, I'd be strapped for time, and he'd be strapped for cash, making visits problematic. Working remotely in the new job isn't an option.

I have a great career, which is important to me, although I'm definitely not a workaholic. I don't think the calculus here is quite as simple as whether my career or my relationship comes first. I need some advice on how to talk about this with my partner, guidance on what factors I should take into consideration, thoughts on what options are available, and questions that might broaden or focus my thinking.

Thanks for reading this, and thanks in advance for your insights.

* If you watch How I Met Your Mother, you'd call me Robin, and him Marshall (in fact, just like Robin, I'm from Canada, and just like Marshall, he's from Minnesota).

Research supporting that homosexuals are born homosexuals

Prunedish — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 03:35:35 -0800

What exact research has been done to support the notion that homosexuals are born gay? I’m a person who believes that homosexuals are not born gay. I believe that it’s a choice they make. This often brings me into heated arguments with some of my friends who do believe gay people are born gay. During our arguments they often say that there is research out there to back this up, but they’ve never actually presented me with any of it. This leads to my question. I would like to see what research there exists, both for and against the notion that homosexuality is something you’re born into, preferably showing the methodology that was used, results concluded and researcher/s involved. I’d like to see this research not only to be better prepared for future debates, but to actually understand this topic. Is anybody here aware of anything I should be reading, preferably online but offline is fine also? My own Google searches have turned up the usual for/against arguments, but nothing with the more rigorous approach I’m looking for.

I actually WANT you to be my lawyer!

matty — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 12:02:44 -0800

Mr. Matty and I are looking to get 'everything but married'... but how? And by who? After 7 years together, Mr. Matty and I have decided to do the legal paperwork to get ourselves as closely hitched together as possible - even though we can't get married. The house is already in both our names and we have a joint checking account, but we want to do all that we can to ensure we're together... durable powers of attorney, palimony?, survivorship stuff, etc. etc. If you can tell, I have no idea what we really need to do to legally maneuver ourselves into an approximation of marriage.

1. We're gay. (duh)
2. We live in Fairfax County, VA. No we're not moving.
3. Mr. Matty is active duty military, so no we're not running off to Massachusetts to tie the knot.

We don't have any gay friends in the area who have done anything similar, nor do we know any lawyers, so we don't really have any contacts we can call on.

Can anyone point me in the direction of a law firm in Northern Virginia who has experience with such situations?

Engaging young gay adults in the criminal justice system.

The Straightener — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 14:32:31 -0800

How do I more effectively encourage gay young adults in the criminal justice system to engage with the larger gay community? (long question) As a social worker in the criminal justice system I am regularly in contact with young gay men and women who are entering the criminal justice system for the first time as felony drug offenders. Many of the offenders I work with have never encountered the city's larger gay community. They come from extremely small worlds; many have barely ever left their neighborhoods let alone hung out with groups of other young, gay adults. Picture Snoop from the Wire as a typical young lesbian I encounter; rough drug dealer girls who pride themselves on being hard like the corner boys. The young gay men more typically come from tough white working class neighborhoods but have a similarly limited amount of exposure to larger gay culture.

Both groups have limitations in terms of literacy, substance abuse problems, often co-occuring mental health disorders, often histories of sexual abuse. Breaching the subject of sexuality is something I've only done once with a client I was extremely close to, who I felt trusted me enough that I could suggest that she try to plug into the larger gay community by contacting the local gay and lesbian community center to see what kinds of services and programs they have for young black gay women.

She was totally cool with me bringing it up, but seemed...not disinterested, more like the suggestion just didn't make a lot of sense. She clearly didn't understand why she would want to plug in with the larger gay community, or what doing so would do for. I tried to explain what I felt would be the benefits of plugging in with some other young gay women, but wasn't really able to create a spark of interest. At that point I dropped it, because as a social worker I feel it's more important for me to focus on the things my clients feel are important, rather than what I think might be important for them.

The thing is that our program is constantly telling clients about the importance of changing people, places and things, which for many of our clients is next to impossible. They don't know anyone who isn't dealing or using drugs, and usually live on blocks where everyone is dealing and using drugs under their noses all the time. I feel like with my gay clients I have a chance to engage them in this other world of positive support they are completely unaware of if only I could plug them into the gay community. But I'm not sure how to best go about it consindering that my gay clients are often hardened street kids who distrust anyone who doesn't come from their neighborhood and have maybe never even been downtown except to go to court.

I'm hoping for some protips from the gay community here on AskMe. Thanks.

Help me find a comedy bit about gay marriage?

macfly — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 20:21:28 -0800

Help me find a comedy bit about gay marriage? I remember hearing or (less likely) reading a comedian talk about gay marriage and how when the U.S. finally accepts it we'll be all self-congratulatory about it in a 'USA is #1' kind of way. Then it went on to talk about all the times other counties had 'beaten' the US to civil rights - I specifically remember a mention of how England eliminated slavery via a vote of parliament years before the US fought the civil war. I've been going through a Patton Oswalt phase - I can't find it in any of the stuff of his that I have but I haven't been exhaustive so he's still a possible. More likely it's someone I found on YouTube, probably via a link from an Oswalt bit. Dan Savage is another possible source but I haven't been able to find it via google.

Help? It's like one of those ear worm songs that you can't quite remember but can't get out of your head.

Should a parent mention their bisexual past to their gay teen?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 10:30:48 -0800

My 14-yo son has recently come out to me as gay. Should I share anything about the "experimental" phase of my youth? Although I've had inklings for a while, my 14-yo son recently decided to come out to me as gay. He's apparently been questioning his sexuality as early as 5th grade, and by 7th-8th grade was pretty convinced and has shared this information with a few close friends.

We live in an extremely liberal community, and he doesn't seem to be "struggling" or having concerns about the sexuality aspect itself--his friends have been supportive and accepting. The recent coming-out was, I believe, precipitated by some unpleasantness involving unrequited feelings for a friend of his.

I am wondering if it is now or ever would be appropriate to bring up my own sexuality history, in which my first "serious" relationship in late high school/early college was with a woman (and there was some minor sexual experimentation with a previous female best friend when we were 13-14). I ultimately realized I wasn't strongly sexually attracted to "women" per se--only my best friends--and have not had any lesbian relationships in the intervening 22 years.

On the one hand, I suppose parental sexuality of any sort is something that falls into the category of "the less said, the better" for most kids. On the other hand, it wouldn't seem outrageous or inappropriate to mention the mere existence of previous heterosexual relationships during that phase of my life, would it?

I guess part of my motivation might be to offer a gesture reciprocating the enormous amount of trust and confidence that my son has offered me by coming out in the first place. On yet another hand, I also understand that parent-child relationships are not always meant to be reciprocal in certain regards.

Other details: my husband is aware of this history; I've not told anyone else in my family. I am still casual friends with the woman in question, who maintained a bisexual lifestyle for quite a bit longer, although she trended more hetero over the years and has been in a straight (now married) relationship with the same man for the past 10 years or so. My son knows her and they converse on topics of mutual interest from time to time. Sort of a long-distance "cool pseudo-aunt" relationship. It is, of course, theoretically possible to mention that I once was in a lesbian relationship without naming names.

If you want to respond privately, you can e-mail the throwaway notreallyme6607@gmail.com

How can I help make same-sex marriage legal?

Mrs. Pterodactyl — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:46:22 -0800

The legalization of same-sex marriage is very important to me. What can I do to help? I don't have much money to donate and I'm wondering what avenues would be best in terms of volunteering my time. Quick background, in case this is relevant in any way: I am a woman married to a man, my mother is an Episcopal priest who agrees with me on this issue and I live in DC so I don't have any congresspeople to whom I can write. What can I do to help make same-sex marriage legal throughout the country?

How do I find a boyfriend?

mosherdan — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 05:56:40 -0800

I'm a young, "straight-acting", alternative guy who is tired of being single. Help me find a boyfriend! First of all... I'm 23 and live in the North East of England. I've had a modest number of sexual partners, and only one short-term relationship.

Maybe because of the way I act and dress, and the places I hang out no-one suspects that I'm gay, and it seems to be ruining my chances of finding love. I'm quite well build (probably need to loose a few lbs), have piercings, dyed hair and mainly wear band t-shirts and jeans.

Some of my friends were quite shocked when they found out, or I told them I was gay; mainly due to the fact I'm not particularly camp and I hang around the metal music "scene" (bands/clubs/etc.)

I'm not particularly into the gay scene, although I have previously been to a few gay bars, just as part of a regular pub crawl with friends. I'm also not really into camp queeny gay guys and generally don't really like the promiscuity and bitchyness. I don't want to have to change myself or my social habits in order to find someone.

I'm on various gay and regular dating sites and have made a couple of online friends, but it seems most people are just after a quickie and nothing more.

My main question is: Is there a way I can subtly let people know that I'm gay while hanging around my usual social venues? I'm not a very confident person and not really the type to walk up to strangers and enquire about their sexuality, I also think my gaydar has been defective since birth ;)

Hive mind, help me find love (or a close approximation!) :D

Help me find a wooden engagement ring in the UK

Nufkin — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 03:41:24 -0800

Recommend me a preferably UK-based wooden engagement ring seller. From this question a while back, I have fallen in love with the wooden rings from this seller however, I am worried about ordering them from a seller in another country – different ring size systems – and without knowing anyone who has had any experience of them.

So, firstly I was wondering if anyone knows of anyone UK based that is selling similar work – my Google-fu is only strong enough to bring up very bad sites.

Or, secondly, if someone could recommend someone on personal experience.

Additional information if needed:

I would need two, not necessarily matching, rings for a same-sex (male) engagement. We are both UK size R. The ultimate idea is to have these as engagement rings then ‘upgrade’ to a metal ring for the civil partnership as a metaphor for our relationship becoming stronger.

How do I fix me?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:33:36 -0800

I feel like my life is over and I'm only 35. I feel completely stagnant and stuck, relationshipwise and jobwise. Do I need to change things or do I need to learn how to deal? Help me figure out how to be a happier person. Is there some Grand Unified Theory that explains all my problems? How do I fix me?

I'm a 35-year-old male who has dealt with lifelong anxiety. Two major things in my life right now have me in despair: my relationship and my job. Neither of these is awful; they are just blah. I can't see either of them improving. I feel like I'm too young to have a midlife crisis, but I feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. My life feels over. I feel like even if I change things, I'll become anxious and unhappy about something else. There are good things about my life, but I just do not know how to be content. Maybe deep down I feel like I don't deserve it.

I have been in therapy with different therapists on and off since I was 17. I've been seeing my current therapist for nearly 9 years, and I like her, and I have insights regularly, and she claims that I've changed for the better, but I still feel unhappy. I am a compulsive self-analyzer, but I can't seem to translate insights into actual change. Isn't the goal of therapy supposed to be to get to a point where you don't need therapy anymore?

I took meds (Celexa) for about 4 1/2 years. I never really felt like it solved things. I don't think I have depression -- I can function fine, I don't confine myself to bed, there are things I enjoy, I have genuine passion for life. It's just that life weighs heavily on me, and it always has.

I get frustrated and stressed out easily by little things in life. I have always worried about death, worried about wasting my life, worried about getting older (even when I was 21). Now I worry about middle age, old age. I'm gay, and I feel like I wasted my youth because I didn't come out of the closet until I was 24. I worry about long-term stress making me ill, which causes me more stress.

My relationship: I've posted a few AskMe's about this before (see here -- I changed details like numbers and dates in that first post because I wanted to be extra-safe about being anonymous), and I hate the idea of being a broken record, and I can see how people who have read my previous AskMe's might shake their heads at me for not having changed anything. But the thing is, I'm just terrified.

In short: my partner and I have been together for six years, and we've been in couples therapy for the last two. We truly love and care about each other and have a cozy, very boring, oxytocin-filled relationship, but we have never had a very sexual relationship, and after discussing it repeatedly in therapy, I'm pretty much convinced we never will. He has practically zero sex drive, and I'm just not sexually attracted to him. We have fooled around together twice -- twice -- in the last four years, and never did much before that. We have an open, don't ask/don't tell arrangement, which means that all my sex is with other people, which means that I can never have sex that includes intimacy, which means a big part of my life is very unfulfilled. Whenever I do start to feel some sort of intimacy with someone, I feel really guilty about it.

I guess the difference between this AskMe and my previous ones is that while I used to think there was a possibility we could eventually have a sexually fulfilling relationship, I've since realized we never will.

He also very much likes having a routine, likes being a homebody except for going to the theater alot (we live in Manhattan) and going to our favorite restaurant. He isn't big on excitement. Me, I need to shake things up every once in a while. That might sound odd, given that I tend to be pretty anxious, but I do like to expand my comfort zone sometimes, while he doesn't.

There are some days when I obsess about breaking up with him. But when it comes down to it, I just can't seem to do it. We have talked in our couples therapy about breaking up, and I would just miss him terribly -- having him next to me at night, talking with him, being with him. Plus, since I'm a very emotional person and I get stressed out easily, I just can't see how I could handle being alone and missing him. Our relationship has major flaws, but I do feel calmer knowing he is there whenever I get totally anxious about something. I cannot imagine being stressed out and having nobody to turn to, especially because I live in Manhattan, which can be a difficult, isolating place sometimes. Would I move into some small crappy studio by myself somewhere? I don't have very many friends, so I don't have much of a support system. (My partner and I are both in a social organization, so there are friends/acquaintances there, and people do like me, but it's hard sometimes because I worry about what people think of me.)

What if I wind up being single for the rest of my life? What if nobody else comes along? What if someone else does come along but that relationship is majorly flawed as well? What if my punishment for breaking up with my partner is that I never find anyone else again? Because, odd as this sounds, I do feel like I would be punished for it. That I am not allowed to change my situation, that I should be thankful for what I have, that I want too much.

Maybe I could keep him in my life, and we could be best friends?

And... what if I end the relationship and I'm still unhappy?

Now for the job situation: this is another thing entirely. My job is not very stressful and is sometimes decent, and I'm thankful for that, especially in this economy. But it's just a boring paycheck for me and isn't at all meaningful. Worst of all, over the summer, my office moved into a sterile office park in the New Jersey suburbs. Now I go to the office two days a week, which is a 1 hour 40 minute commute each way, and on the other three days I work from home, which feels so isolating and makes me feel like I'm not doing anything. I despair of ever getting out of this situation.

I have never known what I wanted to do with my life. I have seen career counselors, I have read career books -- at times I have been hopeful but I eventually despair. I have wanted to be a writer, a therapist, a journalist, a professor. I went to law school, but I didn't really enjoy being a lawyer. Now my job is related to the law, but it doesn't thrill me either. What I *do* like to do is read nonfiction and learn about things. I love learning and I love writing, but I don't think I have the expertise or ability to write nonfiction, and I have little interest in writing fiction. I am good at writing about myself, but who wants to read about me?

See how hard on myself I am?

I am also very fickle -- I can never be sure that what interests me now will interest me a few months from now. The only constant is history, particularly American history.

I feel hopeless at 35, and if the next 50 years are like the last 10, I don't know what I'm going to do, and I am only getting older. I am stuck, stuck, stuck, and I hate it.

I've created a MeFi account that I can't post from yet, but you can email me there if you want.

crazy little thing called the love that dare not speak its name

Jon_Evil — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:16:55 -0800

I need some academically credible synonyms for same-sex erotic activity that are less ambiguous than "gay sex" and less clinical-sounding than "homosexual contact." I'm helping to revise a 30-year-old book about human sexuality for re-publication, and the state of homo-politico-linguistics has changed considerably. The author refers to "gays" as a demographic group, but sometimes he's talking about only exclusively homosexual-identifying men, and sometimes about anyone of any gender that's ever slipped a bit towards the right of the Kinsey scale. He uses "gay sex" in a similarly inconsistent way.

The problem with "Queer" and its derivatives is that it's still a loaded term, and while pretty much everyone under thirty sees it as a positive description, older people (including the author) see it as a slur.

Just to be clear, I'm not looking for names of specific acts, but a generalized term for everything along the spectrum from kissing to fisting, just as long as you keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay.

Body and beats, for whom does he stain his sheets?

Jon_Evil — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 20:17:23 -0800

Celebrity Sexual Preference-filter: Does Gordon Gano, singer of the Violent Femmes, like boys, girls, or both?

Another 'Moving to Seattle' AskMe!

kzin602 — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 11:08:01 -0800

Twenty-Something Gay couple making the leap to a new city with no connections and potentially limited job opportunities, in a down economy too! The man I'm in love with has fallen in love with Seattle, and after visiting and experiencing the mild climate, nice people, great public transit and relaxed attitude, I've grown partial to the city also. Random point: We currently live in Tempe, AZ.

I currently work in the tech industry for 'The world's largest domain registrar' in a specialty position... Think of it as tech support for tech support, and any other job that no other department exists (or has the capacity) to handle. While I've established myself here pretty well, and am actually proud of what I've achieved considering the mistakes I made in my educational past. I know that because I don't have a useful degree and no certifications It's going to be a hard climb back up in a new environment.

My partner works in retail, management, but still retail. For a well known coffee company that is from Seattle. (and can transfer to

Our two incomes combine to about 70-80k after taxes, and this is a comfortable living for a couple with a small apartment and a couple cats. As long as we can find a decent apartment with rent + utilities that comes to less than $1500 / month, we can make it.

We took a trip to the city to scout neighborhoods recently, explored: South Lake Union, The area along Madison St. between downtown and Capitol Hill (OMG Hipsters!), North Downtown (Queen Anne ish) and Denny Triangle / First Hill.

I've also been exploring (via internet) areas like Greenwood, Green Lake and Phinney Ridge.

It seems like there are plenty of apartments that meet out needs and our current income levels.

1.Do the mefis have any suggestions for a place to rent/lease that is doable on an entry level salary, where the crime isn't bad and public transit to downtown/places to work isn't too bad? (I have a reliable car but usually prefer to bus around if I have the time)

2.Am I going to end up on the street? With my experience am I going to be able to find a comparable salary in Seattle? I'm willing to go back to technical support, entry level IT/support type jobs.

3.Any suggestions for places to look for such jobs? I would think that places like Microsoft are probably already overstaffed with overqualified people in those types of positions.

The fear:
I move to Seattle, fail to find a livable job, burn out my savings and end up on the streets. I'm too old to be a street punk, my boyish charms are all burned out.

So I Guess He Wasn't Into Me?

cscott — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 18:05:54 -0800

Is He Just Not That Into Me: Part Deux Hey guys!

So I have a little update about the situation I shared last week here. I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'm going to re-post a portion of the back story from last week for anyone who didn't get a chance to read it.

So there's this guy I'm cybercrushing on ... He's a model who's moving to the city I live in three months. There are four of us on this social networking website who have bonded and I've met the other two in person. Three weeks ago, one of them posted a video of him, me, and another dude about some random stuff. We all have photos posted of ourselves on this social networking website so it's no mystery to the guy I have a crush on what I look like. But in the video I had a voice and personality. He sent me a message saying, "You are really handsome ... more than you let on. Just saw the video. Very handsome indeed!" Later we were chatting about gay dating and ethnicity. I was saying that since I'm not white (I'm South Asian) a lot of people can't really figure out where I'm from and probably aren't into darker skinned guys like me. He said, "I like 'em swarthy :)" So I thought maybe he's flirting with me. But before that he was saying that he has a type. There are exceptions but his type is a white guy in his mid-30s with dark hair. And I obviously don't fit that description. Last week, I asked whether he's really just not into me because I'm not his type physically. Most of you said it's impossible to know right now so just keep flirting and see what happens.

Well ... we chatted a couple of times online this past weekend. He was asking me what's the best neighborhood to live in once he moves here and where he could work part-time before getting into modeling. The second time we chatted we went back and forth for two hours. He said I was a shining example of a gay man, asked me loads of questions about my cultural and ethnic background (when I felt like I was rambling he said "I'm 10000% interested"), said he was sorry that in one online discussion forum he judged me too quickly (because back then he didn't know me as well), told me my name sounds beautiful, and when we were signing off he said "Good night, panda!" (yes, I cringed too, but I guess it was cute :)

But last night on this same social networking/discussion website we were talking about some random issue. This guy in my city started asking him when he was moving here and said "You're cute." My crush sort of blew the guy off on that public thread with a "Thanks. But I promise you. I'm not that great." Then somehow the city I live in came up in discussion on the thread and he said, "I'll be museuming, concerting, going to the park, conquering the city! CScott, can't wait for you to join me, buddy." My stomach buckled ... buddy? Four days after showering me with compliments and after personally messaging me to tell me I'm really handsome, now I'm in the friend zone?

Okay so I know this is an overanalysisfest. Forgive me. I WAS thinking ... maybe this guy likes me ... I mean he's told me he thinks I'm very attractive, says I'm a shining example of a gay man, says goodbye in what seemed like a somewhat affectionate tone (but maybe he's just weird), says he's "10000% interested!" in learning about my cultural background ... And now I'm his buddy. Okay okay ... this is ridiculous because I haven't even met him in person yet and I'm already trying to figure out EXACTLY what he's thinking/feeling. But all I want to know is if this is an obvious "let's just stay friends" situation so that I don't waste any time thinking there's potential when he gets here. ::Sigh:: Hard to figure shit out online. Curse the blasted internet! ::he writes as he finishes typing his Metafilter question:: ;)

Is He Just Not That Into Me?

cscott — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 17:25:13 -0800

Is he just not that into me or what? So there's this guy I'm cybercrushing on ... He's a model who's moving to the city I live in in a couple of months. There are four of us on this social networking website who have bonded and I've met the other two in person. Recently, one of them posted a video of him, me, and another dude about some random stuff. We all have photos posted of ourselves on this social networking website so it's no mystery to the guy I have a crush on what I look like. But in the video I had a voice and personality. He sent me a message saying, "You are really handsome ... more than you let on. Just saw the video. Very handsome indeed!" Later we were chatting about gay dating and ethnicity. I was saying that since I'm not white (I'm South Asian) a lot of people can't really figure out where I'm from and probably aren't into darker skinned guys like me. He said, "I like 'em swarthy :)" So I thought maybe he's flirting with me. But before that he was saying that he has a type. There are exceptions but his type is a white guy in his mid-30s with dark hair. And I obviously don't fit that description.

All of this is ridiculous because he's the only one among us we haven't met in person yet and won't until a couple of more months when he moves here. But my question is, is he flirting with me? Or just stringing me along for kicks? Is he just not that into me? In short, would you suss it out some more online or just let it go and move on?

Who are our Pansexual Icons?

divabat — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 16:23:57 -0800

There are gay icons and lesbian icons - are there people who are bisexual/pansexual icons? I don't necessarily mean icons who are bisexual/pansexual (though they can be), but people who particularly appeal to bi/pan people the same way gay icons are, well, icons. How would you define such a person anyway?

I asked this on a LJ community for pansexuals and the only answer I got was the lead character of Torchwood, who's bisexual. Are there any others that would qualify? I'm thinking Lady Gaga or Angelina Jolie, but that's more "appeals to both sexes" rather than "appeals to bisexuals".

Can I complain about a doctor online?

arcticwoman — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 06:45:12 -0800

I had an absolutely terrible incident with a homophobic doctor. I have taken all the steps to report him to the local College of Physicians and Surgeons, and I hope he gets disciplined, but that doesn't address the systemic problem of homophobia in family physicians in my area (and it doesn't help me find a less homophobic doctor to switch to). I would like to blog about the incident, contact gay and lesbian associations, etc, but I am worried about being sued for libel/slander/I don't know. Will I get in trouble if I write publicly about this incident? Can I use the Dr's name? I'm in Alberta, Canada.

One's company, two's a crowd, and three's a party?

HotPatatta — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 19:55:06 -0800

How do threesomes stay balanced? Recently, I have had reason to ponder the dynamics of a 3-way. My main question is how to keep the action going without leaving anyone out. Being the third wheel, I have fears that I will be left to my own devices in a corner, weeping silently. What are some tips to make this a successful endeavor? What kinds of discussion should be held beforehand? Are there any common pitfalls to avoid?

I am a gay male and would be primarily hooking up with male couples.

$48 for marriage license; how much for gay couples to get similar protections?

hworth — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 11:06:22 -0800

We are a gay couple living in St. Louis, Missouri, USA. We would like to get as much protection as we can to make decisions for each other and visit each other in hospitals. I have been calling around to gay and lesbian lawyers in the area, and no one will give me a 'straight' answer about cost. How much is it going to cost us to get a health care directive, durable power of attorney, and medical power of attorney for each of us?

How do I proceed without alienating him?

animerion — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 14:51:06 -0800

Should I be content with just being friends, or should I push more? Hi everyone,

A few weeks ago, while out with a friend, I met a guy that he works with for drinks. We all had a good time, and I was almost instantly into this guy.

Since that even I have thought about this person quite a bit so I found him on Facebook (how high school, I know) and added him just mentioning we all hung out and such. He replied that he'd been trying to stalk me but there are a lot of people on Facebook with my first name and he didn't have my full name. So I got the add and proceeded to ask him he wanted to grab a drink some time. He accepted.

Earlier this week we went out, chatted for a few hours over several pints and dinner and proceeded to exchange our numbers and such. We chat on IM at work and text in the evenings (he's not much of a phone talker). I mentioned to him that I had a good time and suggested that we did it again and now I'm under the impression that that he's looking for friend because he responded that "he's always game for beer" and would like me to join his friends in activities and such. Which is cool, as I don't really have too many friend around here, but I was under the impressions this would lead to something that wasn't strictly platonic. Am I just being impatient? I tend to over-think, well, everything so I'm pretty much going in circles on this one. Any thoughts would be helpful.

Can you find lifelong love at 35?

Anonymous — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 09:14:02 -0800

LoveFilter: Interested in your stories of finding lifelong love at age 35 or older, gay or straight. I'm a 35-year-old gay man and want to know what my chances are. I'm a gay man, and there are times when I seriously consider breaking up with my long-term partner of several years. But I definitely want to be coupled with someone, and my fear is that at 35 years old, I'm too old to find a great guy. I worry that all the good ones might already be taken, and that most of those who are left are single because they're either not looking for a serious relationship or are undateable.

I do live in a big city, which probably enhances my prospects, but I know that there are fewer guys out there when you're 35 than when you're 25. On the other hand, I'd be looking for guys within a few years of my age -- I wouldn't be chasing 22-year-olds -- so I probably wouldn't have to worry about much younger guys thinking I was too old. I also feel like I might have an advantage because I have a "resume" -- I've been in a long-term relationship, so I know what it's like and I can prove to prospective partners that I know how to be in one.

Still, I worry about my chances. So it would really help me to hear about your stories of landing in long-term successful relationships at age 35 or older, whether you're gay or straight -- and regardless of whether it's your first love, your second love, or further. Straight people do have a much wider pool to choose from, so it might be easier for them to find love than gay people, but I'm still curious. Thanks!

How do I become more manly?

beingresourceful — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 16:18:51 -0800

How do I become more manly? Even though I think masculinity is bulls$#!%! I have realized: Sometimes. It takes work to not be jaded.

I have been thinking really bad things about men lately. Hating them.

I simultaneously despise them for their ridiculous fakeness and crave their acceptance.

Well.. here's the thing... I'm a guy. 23. Bisexual and possibly gay.

I have started realizing lately.. that because I have lived outside of societal gender roles and expectations, a lot of men view me as someone of a lesser class, who, basically, deserve "the ultimate insult" which is faggot.

I don't have a lisp. I don't have limp wrists. Most people are genuinely surprised when I tell them I am bisexual. I do look young, however, and have naturally blond hair. I am not overtly feminine, yet I am not afraid of doing, talking about, or being interested in things that are. I am not interested in pursuing things simply because "men" are supposed to pursue them.

I like what I like and that's that. Manly, right? But if I talk about something that "men aren't supposed to talk about", like say, interior design or lighting, or drink something I am not supposed to drink... then I get to deal with wry smiles and covert mockery. And that bothers me.

This all boils down to... I have a deep-seated inferiority around men. As a man. I would like to overcome this, without compromising who I am.

Instead of being jaded and despising men... well, if I think masculinity is such fake bulls$@%, I should be able to take advantage of its fakery and use it to my own advantage. Instead of opening myself up to lack of respect as a human. Is this right or flawed?

I have realized that, if masculinity is bullshit as I claim, then I should be able to use it to my advantage when I choose, without compromising me.

Not giving into to the gender expectations system (which apparently really is how the whole world works), has cost me. My proposed solution is kind of like.. finally "giving in" to the system, but not.

Any thoughts?

Boston or Chicago for the gay guy on the go?

sevenyearlurk — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 17:36:15 -0800

Boston or Chicago -- which is the better city for the gay traveler? I'm starting to think about a little getaway weekend in the fall, and some quick snooping suggests that Boston or Chicago might be decent options. They're both appealing, but I don't know a lot about either one.

Which city would be more worth my while? I'm gay, mid-thirties, I like going to gay bars (more pubby, less dancey, generally) but I also like museums, galleries, hanging out in cafes, and good food. I'm really thinking about a whirlwind trip -- fly in Friday evening, fly out Monday... but could certainly tack on an extra day or two. I'm currently in Toronto.

Please, hope me decide!

Good gay podcasts

edbles — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 23:03:25 -0800

Many of the gay podcasts out there seem to just be two guys chatting. Does anyone know of a podcast that gives an overview or a history of the gay rights movement, or even is just gay and entertaining generally? Also auditory stuff that isn't a podcast but is iPoddable would also be fine (i.e. a good audiobook).