Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with gay

Where do you find good masculine clothing--for women?

schroedinger — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 09:49:52 -0800

What does the "futch" woman wear to Vegas? And where does she find her clothing? If I'm not feeling the nine-inch heels, where can I find the clothing that will be appropriate for a night on the town and fit butch-leaning tastes? I've read that if you are a woman trying to get into a club in Vegas, heels and short one-piece clubbing dresses are de facto--without 'em, you don't get in.

But what if you are not inclined to sparkly tube dresses? What is appropriate for the butchier-leaning woman? Would a good pair of jeans and a well-fitted button-up work? And does anyone have good sources of clothing for the masculine-leaning woman?

How can I fulfill my fantasy?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 06:40:13 -0800

I'm a female with this recurring fantasy about two men (my biggest fantasy since I was 15). How do I go about fulfilling it? Wait, there's a catch or two. [NSFW] First, I only want to WATCH two men have sex with each other. I don't want to be sexually involved. The extent of my physical involvement might include some S&M (me topping them) but no kissing or anything further.

Second, I'm married to a straight guy. We're firmly monogamous but he's known about this fantasy since we met, and since he can't fulfill it for me, he's willing to give me some leeway if it were the right situation. Some of his best friends are gay, blah blah blah, but he's not keen on watching gay sex, nor is he keen on leaving me alone in a room with two guys unless they are certified 6s on the Kinsey scale. In which case, why would they want me there? Kind of a conundrum, you know?

Besides, I don't relish the idea of being in a room with two strange men, gay or not. Maybe they don't want to rape me but that doesn't mean they don't want to steal my stuff. I'd much rather be able to view men having sex in semi-public situations, which is part of the fantasy, but that leads to another problem: I'm not a guy, so I can't get into bathhouses, and I stick out like a sore thumb in cruisy gay bars. I hear stuff happens in parks but I'm sure guys would scatter if they saw me approach. Plus, it's rude to watch people who don't want to be watched by you. I'm hoping some real live gay guys can chime in here and tell me how they'd feel - or use my throwaway email if you don't want to admit to sex in public (anonmefivoyeur@gmail.com).

So, any ideas on fulfilling my fantasy, or will I have better luck looking for unicorns and Bigfoot? I'm in the Chicago area, FWIW.

You're so gay, and you don't even like boys... ???

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 19:43:26 -0800

I fell in love with my best friend, who is a guy. I’m a young bisexual guy. Apparently, he is not. Did the “wrong thing” and told him about how I felt, and was rejected, but things seemed okay afterward. However, I’m still hurting, I’m feeling delusional about it, and sometimes I think that he inadvertently isn’t helping… how do I live with my best friend now? Help me, Metafilter! I think one of the major issues in me getting past what happened was how many positive signs of success I thought I was seeing prior to the big moment. Worse, these signals have continued so strongly after the fact that individuals ignorant as to the overall situation have begun to take notice. Let’s call my friend James. Before I started being romantically attracted to him, my “gaydar” (apologies for invoking this concept) had gone off on him, as had those of all other LGB friends who know him. In addition, I had known him to have three romantic interactions (at the very least heavy kissing, petting, etc., if not oral sex) with a male friend of ours that hadn’t even occurred while drunk. Off the bat, I was primed to think of him as a queer man, someone who definitely wasn’t a “0” on the Kinsey scale.

We’ve known each other for almost three years now, and especially since about a seven months ago, James and I have had one of the strongest interpersonal relationships of my life… we clicked really famously on the friendship front. For about two years, I hadn’t been romantically attracted to him, but then a switch flicked on and the strong feelings of friendship toward him began to give rise to desires for more intimate bonds between us. Realizing how bad the situation could get, I kept these feelings (and my sexuality) under wraps for several months, until he began one long, intense phone conversation with me out of the blue. He opened up to me in a thousand new ways and began to praise me heavily, giving me an events timeline (???) of when exactly he was feeling more and more personally intimate with me, explaining why I was one of the most important people in the world to him, and telling me that any day I talked to him brightened it immeasurably. This began to make me think that there was some actual hope for a relationship, as not only were these weird things for me to be hearing from a young straight guy (sorry, stereotyping in action, I know), but they seemed to proclaim some sort of intimate exclusivity to our relationship.

Happily following the advice of a gay friend, I did something that I should have done long ago for the wrong reasons, and came out to my close straight male friends (I included James in this category) in hopes of maybe dragging out more information. I thought I had succeeded in this, as James messaged said gay friend less than 24 hours later to tell him that he had “cried” from being so proud and was “so happy” and that he wanted to “ask [me] who [my] love is, because that kind of love should not be withheld.” (Considering I “came out” in what was essentially a custom-locked blog entry that was fairly plain, the extreme emotional rise I got out of him confused me, and it was also weird at the time that the first thing he wanted to talk to me about was who my possibly gay crush was because the love I have to give is apparently just so awesome.) He also heavily began to ramp up contact with me (80+ short e-mails exchanged in two weeks), and every message seemed to be insanely positive and cheerful, which was in opposition to his typical demeanor. Finally, he invited me to make a five-hour trek to the college he was attending to spend the night for no particular reason, and remarked very particularly about the visit (such as suggesting we could sleep in the same bed???). Of course, at this point, I’m thinking: how could this be anything but his method of trying to romantically whisk me away, right?

Wrong. Despite some interesting encounters when I did visit (including being taken to a “special place” to gaze at the stars), when I finally couldn’t hold it in anymore and told him that I was developing, I was shot down by him saying that he wasn’t queer. (Actually, it was more so that I answered the question for him in a self-defeating manner... "I think I like you" ==> "But you can't be gay or bi, right?" I regret not letting him answer the real question.) This crushed me heavily, as I had believed strongly and illogically that there was some serious hope for a positive outcome. I asked him while crying why he had had romantic intercourse with our mutual gay friend, and he replied that he was simply “comfortable with his [straight] sexuality,” which frustrated me to no end. (I would later find out that there was a gay guy at James’s college seriously asking around the gay community if anyone would like to have a no-strings-attached m-m-m threesome including James, which would help foster my later delusions.) We departed on uncertain terms but over the next few days he assured me heavily that this wouldn’t come between us and that we were still as close as ever, if not more so. It hurt, but I steeled myself and worked as hard as I could to try to reorient my affections so that I would be okay with him and so I could try to heal.

When I went home, some uncomfortable things started to happen in the midst of the “business-as-usual” that I was hoping for, things that made it increasingly more difficult for me to start moving on. I started getting a whole deal more physical contact from James than I was used to, which felt strange considering what had happened a few weeks before. This contact included rough-housing, him stripping a shirt off of me, shoulder-to-shoulder-almost-face-to-face closeness at any sitdown event we attended, and lots (LOTS) of leg rubbing. For a two-week period J and I were together for at least 66.6% of the time (including him sleeping over at my house almost every night), which was nice at the same time that it was extremely difficult to deal with emotionally. (This, in part, led to three [!] female friends and one usually dense straight male friend who all knew that I had come out but who were ignorant as to what happened between James and I to ask seriously more or less whether James or I were in a relationship, which stung heavily. How could they be so off-mark while being so, so, close?) A girl he had an infrequent friends-with-benefits relationship with started to do recon in social circles that eventually got back to me as to whether or not James and I had ever been involved, because apparently she had grown suspicious of some “odd remarks” he had made. He also began to make a lot of non-ironic positive remarks about my appearance and how he’d “like to see [my] muscles after [I] bulked up [from weight training]” that also made me very uncomfortable after what had happened. To be perfectly fair, I was largely passive in all of this as I usually am, and was (and barely am now) not in a state where I was able to assert myself well, which is a larger problem I have to deal with.

In the mean-time, I’ve become hypersensitive to the contours of our relationship, and flip out internally over little not-really rejections because I still worry that I’ve destroyed our friendship with my admission, despite evidence to the contrary. Furthermore, this entire time I’ve had to keep an active vigilance over the fantasies that tell me that at the very least he’s heavily closeted and at the extreme end of wishful thinking could have feelings for me someday. I know these are absolutely terrible thoughts to be thinking, which is why I’ve been trying so hard to regulate them. It doesn’t help, though, that aspects of his character (usually embarrassed or ignorant as to his own feelings, self-destructive in romantic entanglements in terms of seeking people who are the opposite of what he professes to desire, history of sexual abuse in his childhood) make it easy for subprocesses in my head to make up a story positing hidden sexual issues. I know this is bad and need to find a way to get it down.

This whole situation is obviously very awkward, but James is going on a vacation out of the country for about a month, which might give me some time to regroup and recuperate. What are some suggestions to help move onto the next stages of getting over my friend? How do I stop driving myself batshit over our relationship? What sorts of things can I tell the delusional little voice in my head to get it to shut up and stop making up crazy stories that are probably supposed to make me feel better, but ultimately just lead to roadblocks to letting go? If, when I get home again, some of the behaviors that discomfort me continue (abnormal physical contact in particular, actually), am I in the right to have a conversation with him about them in the context of me wanting to move past that in our relationship (I worry that this is a no-no, considering I want things to be "normal" and it was my fault for making the situation awkward in the first place)? If so, any suggestions on how to approach this subject? Any other advice to offer in this situation? Thanks!

Throwaway e-mail: delusionsahoy@gmail.com

Is A Health Care Power of Attorney Valid In Another State?

Robert Angelo — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 15:57:17 -0800

I'm curious about what is the validity of my partner's Health Care Power of Attorney when he travels out of state. I can't seem to find much authoritative information when I google this. Can anyone clarify? So we can't marry here in Texas as a same-sex couple, and we probably wouldn't marry even if we could. But we did do the Health Care Power of Attorney, the Statutory Durable Power of Attorney, the Living Will, ad infinitum. These were executed according to the laws of the State of Texas. What happens when he is out of state?

He is currently in Indiana visiting his elderly parents. Today he didn't call, and I worried about his blood sugar (Type 1 diabetic) and other health issues. Then he called in the early afternoon, and we're fine, but I'm still wondering. A couple years ago he had a diabetic reaction and went into a coma when visiting them, and I wasn't called until the next day. That was before his current HCPOA, and now I have both a right and a responsibility to direct his health care if he is unable to do so.

I understand that no one would call me unless they knew they were supposed to. But, at the point that I did learn of a medical condition that would trigger the HCPOA (if he were in Texas) would it also take effect in another state? Would the hospital follow my directions, or would they follow his parents or siblings?

I know you may or may not be a lawyer, and in any case, you are not my lawyer, etc, etc. I would still appreciate any information that could help me to understand what happens in a case like this. What do we have to do to make sure that I am his "emergency contact" and that I am informed and given the opportunity to make decisions, if needed?

What ever happened to...?

pointystick — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 12:47:36 -0800

What ever happened to the lethimstay.com family? This came up in conversation with a colleague. Remember the Florida gay couple (Lofton and Cocteau, I think) who had fostered a child since he was an infant but the child became adoptable (by virtue of testing HIV-) and feared losing him? They had a website lethimstay.com that's gone now. Anyone know what happened to them and their kids?

How do you act in a gay bar?

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 16:15:07 -0800

Just out of the closet. Little bit socially clueless. Teach me how to behave at a gay bar. Ok, there's no rules, just be yourself, etc. but I could use a few pointers. Picking up guys I can handle. It seems like not picking them up is the hard part. I've dated women, so I can handle pursuing people, but I don't know how to put on the brakes without acting like a jerk - I've never had to!

How do you make friends without looking like you're cruising? I would love to meet a few guys I can hang out with, and I'd rather not just screw my way into a social circle. What's the signal for "Hey let's talk more and maybe hang out sometime but I don't want to sleep with you"?

How do you deal with physical contact? I've noticed there's a lot more friendly touching than I'm used to, and I LIKE THAT JUST FINE as a friendly thing, but how do you respond without inviting more?

What if you want to get to know a guy better first? Do you get his phone number? Buy him dinner? I know this sounds ridiculous but all my dating experience is with women and this seems so completely different that I don't know where to begin.

Sorry if this is long winded. Really, any tips you've got on navigating the bar scene would be awesome.

Girls don't want to have fun?

Viola — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 11:30:19 -0800

Why are there so few lesbian bars in the NYC/Brooklyn area when compared to the high number of gay bars? Obviously NYC is no San Francisco or West Hollywood when it comes to bars for gay women. I know about Park Slope outposts like Cattyshack and Ginger's, but when you look at NYC's seemingly countless roster of gay clubs, gay bars, gay beer gardens, gay burger joints, it seems more than incongruous. I realize that lesbians aren't as well-known for the partying lifestyle as their male counterparts, but they can't all be at home fending off lesbian bed-death, right?

It's for research, really!

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 20:30:29 -0800

Scholarly journal article on gay bathhouses - can't find an article I read a few years back. In a recent conversation with a friend about such matters, I mentioned an article I read a few years ago on gay bathhouses. He was curious (and perhaps even slightly disbelieving that I read this in an actual journal) so I'd love to find at least a link, but full text would be extra, extra good.
Here is what I remember:
- Read it between 2000 and 2002 while working on another project
- Stumbled across it in a sociology or queer studies journal (am pretty sure)
- It was fairly recent at that time
- I think it was written not by a participant (like Tattleman's piece) but by a man who wrote from a detached observer POV
- The wikipedia article on bathouses seems to have a lot of the same information, but none of those cites look right.

Please help me convince my friend I found this in a "real" journal, not a skin mag (not that there is anything wrong with skin mags!)

Anonymous because of coworkers on MeFi but gmail is CuriousButForgetful@gmail.com

gay, online, dating, quandry

zenpop — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:20:07 -0800

I live on an island and it's hard to date. And I'm queer...and 50...a bad combo. Is all hope lost? My partner of four years decided it was time to move on. I can understand, the age difference was extreme (20 years). I'm 50, and a bit of a 'gay anomaly.' I don't like bars, clubs, drag queens, Pride marches, Barbra Streisand or home decorating. And, like I mentioned, I live on an island in Washington.

Several years ago I tried 'online dating' and it was a horror show. But that was then -- this is, well, something or other -- I dunno -- maybe times have changed.

I'm an artist, successful, smart and comely but philosophical/spiritual minded (not New Age though).

Does anyone have any recommendations for meeting kindred queer souls. I'm totally not about hook-ups and ships passing in the night. I'd like to cultivate something with another man that's, uhm, deep.

Queer web dating hip peeps -- I ask you -- what/where are your favorite haunts/spots/zones? Or any other words of wisdom from the meta-hive? I'm all ears (while crying in my beer).

He's Not My Brother, Dammit.

[NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 21:46:10 -0800

How to tactfully respond when people comment that my partner and I look like "brothers"? We are both lily-white twenty-somethings with an at-times overlapping fashion sense, and that's about where it ends. I'm several inches taller, different hair and eye color, different bone structure, etc. etc. than my partner. But often, in fact several times this week, people have asked if we're brothers or commented that we look like brothers or "twins." Sometimes this comes from people who KNOW we're partners, other times they are just strangers commenting. Often it is older people, but not always.

This bothers me for several reasons:

1. We really believe we don't look alike.

2. I feel acute vicarious embarrassment for the person when I have to explain that we're not related, because...

3. ...I think that's an offensive (or at least loaded) thing to say to a couple, and something that most people would NEVER say to a straight couple. (When a male/female couple look uncannily similar, I've found people say they "fit together" instead.) It implies that this is part of our attraction to each other, and taps into an image of the narcissistic or incestuous homosexual that I feel is inappropriate and inaccurate in this case. From the beginning, we have always noticed and loved our differences.

Here's a photo if you really must see (plus stepmother-in-law). But please limit your advice to dealing with the situation at hand; chiming in how alike we really may look to you isn't helpful (see 1, 2, 3 above).

What can I do to defuse these situations, for the sake of all involved?

Friend was fired today for being homosexual. State of Iowa.

lutzla23 — Wed, 28 May 2008 11:44:23 -0800

Friend was fired today for being homosexual. State of Iowa. I know she has the opportunity to file for unemployment but does she have any recourse for lawsuit for unlawful termination Today around noon a friend of mine was fired for being a homosexual.

Couple of weeks ago my friend (female) was called into executive management meeting where it was discussed about her lifestyle not fitting company ethics and “not the type they wanted working there.” She was asked to sign an ethics/code of conduct form that she would abide by – she did not sign.

During the next few weeks clients under her were assigned to others as well as all subordinates were reassigned to other supervisors. She and I had assumed they were trying to drive her to quit.

Today around noon she was called into the office and was fired and asked to leave immediately.

We both live and work in Iowa.

I know that Iowa does not technically have a discrimination clause against sexual orientation and also is a At Will state where people can be fired/let go from their employers without notice or reason.

I know she has the opportunity to file for unemployment but does she have any recourse for lawsuit for unlawful termination

Yar! Bare yer booty, wench!

Anonymous — Tue, 27 May 2008 20:59:46 -0800

Sexyfilter: Lesbian role-play ideas, bonus points for kinky. Yes, really. I'm in a long-term lesbian relationship with a lagging sex life. I know, I know, you've all heard this before. We have both recently realized we are slightly kinky (meaning: soft bondage, spanking, light whipping, hair pulling, scratching - so far) but can't seem to work that into sex. We think that role-playing might be fun, but don't really know where to start. Most suggestions online are pretty dependent either on heterosexual naughty bits, or at the least on male/female power dynamics. Most are also so cliche (headmistress/student) that we would just feel silly doing them. We have a strap-on, so gender play is a possibility, I'd need ideas/tips though.

So, a few questions then:
What are some tips for role-play beginners?
What are some tips for D/s or s/m beginners? Any websites to recommend that will teach us how to tie each other up?
What are some fun scenarios, which may or may not incorporate kink, that don't necessarily rely on full sets of male and female bits?

lesbianroleplay@gmail.com

How can I find a gay-friendly doctor?

tumbleweedjack — Sun, 25 May 2008 14:02:47 -0800

How can I find a gay-friendly doctor in my area?

How do find the therapist needle in the haystack?

logovisual — Thu, 22 May 2008 11:17:06 -0800

How do I even start to locate the therapist that I think would be right for me among so many options? The details are inside. I've read through as many of the archived questions on the topic of therapy as seemed relevant, but there doesn't seem to be an answer to the problem of finding the right therapist beyond "see and talk to a bunch of people and find the one you click with." That, frankly, sounds like waaaay too much effort when one has an immense number of possible therapists available to you. Is there really no other resource to draw upon in narrowing down one's options?

Here are my details: I'm in New York City. My primary desire is a therapist who is a gay male, or who at the very least understands gay men and gay culture enough to speak from a place where advice on the subject is specific, trustworthy, and non-patronizing. I'm also looking for someone who is not endlessly process-based; I have emotional / personality problems that I need fixed, and that's going to require doing more than talking about them -- I'll need some specific advice and solutions on ways to alter my behavior. Preferably non-pharmaceutical ways.

Based on that criteria, where does my search start, beyond cold-calling every therapist my health insurance offers me? Are there tools to narrow this down that I'm not aware of? Does anyone out there have a wisdom-of-crowds or personal recommendation?

How will the recent California Supreme Court ruling affect my resident status?

Anonymous — Sun, 18 May 2008 15:51:31 -0800

How will the recent California Supreme Court ruling affect my resident status? So I'm a boy, and I'd like to marry the boyfriend, who is a resident of California.
Me, I am a student from another country. I need an F-1 visa to get into the States.

So will marrying him affect my residency status in any way?
Will it give us any additional benefits?

Where should I look for a boyfriend.

Basalisk — Thu, 15 May 2008 10:34:02 -0800

I've recently come out of denial/uncertainty and realize I'm gay, I live in Adelaide, I don't really dig the club scene that much, but I want to meet other gay men. How do I find them? Really, I want to meet gay friends and if something more happens, that's a bonus. I specifically don't just want to know where to hook up.

The queer organisation on campus here consists of a handful of gay "activists". While the whole injustice of the universe and the oppression inherent in the hetronormitive system exists, constantly whining about it bores me senseless.

I think my gaydar is broken (both receive and transmit), as I had the gay transponder bullied out of me in high school. I'm thus a bit shy when it comes to determining whether someone I like might like me back. I also don't come across as gay, people I have come out to have said that it's a surprise because I don't "act gay."

Because of my denial, I've only ever had one relationship in my life, and that started and ended because she was crazier than I was. I don't know the first thing about relationships, doubly so the non-traditional kind.

Council for soldiers?

edgeways — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 22:53:53 -0800

This is a 3rd party question and as such I am looking more for general information than specific help. It has to do with the military's policy on being gay while serving. Young solider in the army is told by a 2nd young solider that the 2nd solider is gay. Not a big deal, the original fellow isn't gay, but neither is he terribly freaked out about it.

At a later date the big wigs find out the 2nd solider is gay and will kick him out because of it, but they also find out that the original solder knew about it and didn't report it, and as such he is being threatened with some undefined disciplinary action.

I know nothing about military justice, but given the basics as laid out is there anything the original solider can do? Does he, in general, have any recourse to council or some-such?

(I know advice given is not to be considered official advice)

I think I'm straight. Now what?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 11:33:23 -0800

After a long time in a lesbian relationship, I'm coming to the realization that I think I'm straight. I don't want to leave my wife (I really love her), but I can't stop thinking about men. Please help me figure this out. Sexually explicit details inside. NSFW When I met the woman who I ended up marrying, I had never thought about sexuality. I had had a very few relationships with men, but was very young. When she told me she was interested in me I thought I could give it a try, fell in love with her, and started identifying as bisexual.

At first the sex was awful (we were both inexperienced and had no idea how to have sex, never mind lesbian sex), but it got better. Over time, though, I found that I had the best orgasms when I fantasized about men during sex. It took a long time for me to tell her this, but I did, and she was fine with it. Eventually it came to be that I could only orgasm when I fantasize about men. She knows this too, and it doesn't bother or worry her at all.

It bothers and worries me. I feel like I'm not having sex with her, rather, I'm masturbating with a hands-free vibrator. I've tried not fantasizing, I've tried keeping my eyes open so that I can see her, and all it does is keep me from coming, make me frustrated, and tire out her arm.

Thinking about this, I've realized several things: I have never really checked out other women in a sexual way. I see a sexy woman and I think "I'd like to look like her" rather than "I'm sexually attracted to her." I look at men, though. The only times I've ever fantasized about women are in fantasies where men are watching me have sex with a woman, and still, the fun only starts when the man/men join in. All of my porn is straight porn, or else it pictures just one woman, and I always identify with the woman and not with the person off-scene who is playing with her.

Recently, my wife and I have pretty much stopped having sex. I know this is partly just a function of being in a ltr, but I feel more and more like we are best friends who happen to share a bed, rather than romantic partners. We've bought toys, we've watched porn, we've tried a bit of kink, but nothing seems to be bringing back the spark. I'm horny, but just don't want to have sex with her. She has said the same, but has said that I'm seeming colder and colder.

I love her so much. She is my world and my light and my heart. She takes care of me, makes me feel beautiful, makes me feel special, makes me want to be a good person. She's my best friend, my confidante, and I trust her implicitly.

Still, I fantasize about a stubbly chin nuzzling against my neck. I dream of being the shorter one in a hug. Of pressing my face against a flat chest, wrapping my arms around narrow hips. I think about sex with a man. A lot. Not any particular man, just a man.

Am I straight? How can I know if I'm straight as opposed to bisexual? Am I just stuck in a monogamy rut? Can I fix myself for this relationship or am I fucked? Am I going to come to a realization ten years down the road and leave my wife for a man, like so many of my older lesbian friends did in reverse? How can I prevent that from happening?

Am I having orgasms?

zeusianfog — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 21:56:28 -0800

Very personal sex/anatomy question ahoy. I'm a gay male with an active sex life, but I have never ejaculated during sex. Up until recently, I've been operating under the assumption that I've never experienced an orgasm, but my boyfriend pointed out that I describe my experience as sharp spike in sexual pleasure, after which continued stimulation feels painful and unpleasant. After this spike occurs, I lose my erection, I feel exhausted/spent and my genitals are tender for a few hours afterwards. It certainly feels like I imagine an orgasm would feel, but there is no ejaculation. I've read that they needn't necessarily go hand in hand, but there are complicating factors. I have wet dreams, and so obviously I am capable of ejaculating. Is there something wrong with my ability to ejaculate, or am I just not orgasming, as we've assumed up until now? Will this cause long-term problems? Should I seek medical attention?

Gay geeks... Are they more than one in a million?

kzin602 — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 04:17:39 -0800

Kinda like the anonymous question a little bit ago, but looking for the geeky gay guys in Phoenix. 27yo geekish gay guy. Not some hot little boi but defenately not a troll. Everywhere I've looked for other guys of my persuasion have been either hook-up type places (gay.com) or in the bars, and the bars just seem full of extremely self absorbed, dumb as a box of rocks little queens. Does such a thing exist?

I'd rather curl up on the couch with a boy and watch bad sci-fi and play a videogame than go out clubbing.

I mean random hookups are nice and all but it's easier just to stay home an jack off. Or are my fears true... The mythical gay geek is truly a super-rare occurrence

Age is just a fabulous number

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 07:18:14 -0800

What can I expect in a Younger/Older relationship? I am a young (24) gay man who met and fell in love with this great older (52) guy. I can see this relationship growing into something long term, my first, possibly his last. Aside from keeping the lines of communication open, what can my fellow mefites share, to help this relationship flourish. I'm interested in what to expect as far as lifestyles, health, sex/libido, jobs/supporting each other, family matters, living together, acceptance by friends/family, etc. Any hurdles to cross and how to deal with them. Personal experiences would be great but it any input is welcome, even from the straight younger/older relationship demographic.

GayDramaFilter. How can I make sure that people don't confuse my basic interest in them with flirting?

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 17:14:08 -0800

GayDramaFilter. How can I make sure that people don't confuse my basic interest in them with flirting? I find people fascinating and like talking to them. I can usually find at least some aspects of the other person's personality, experiences, interests that genuinely interest me and that I want to explore further. But the problem I keep running into is that too often, this interest is apparently perceived as flirting, when I have absolutely no intention of doing that. I am stunned to find out, often weeks later, that someone I talked to at length was completely convinced that I was hitting on them, and became upset and at times angry when - in their view - I didn't follow through. This has happened a number of times and it's caused problems.

The issue is that I really don't know what I do to give off this impression. One cynical explanation I have is that in the young gay male community, people very rarely take an interest in other people unless they are attracted to them, but I'd hate for that to be the real reason, so maybe it is something that I do. When I talk to people, my attention is fully focused on them, I maintain eye contact, listen to them and appreciate what they have to say, which makes me a good listener. As several of my friends told me, when they talk to me, they feel like they are the most important person in the world to me at the time, but they couldn't really articulate why. I am generally good at picking up social cues, but for some reason, this is one area that completely fails me.

How should I change my behavior to avoid this?

Gay bar tips?

shivohum — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 13:09:44 -0800

What are some necessary tips for approaching and meeting guys in gay bars, esp. when I'm alone? I'm not necessarily looking for immediate hookups, but at least to get numbers and future dates.

I'm new to this scene and clueless, and need tips on how to gauge guys' interest and figure out just what they want (immediate hookup or not?), how to approach them when they're alone, how to approach them when they're in a group, what to say, whether I should have a girl with me, etc.

Dressing advice? Posture advice? Do I need to follow really complicated flirting advice or can I basically "be myself"? I'm in my 20s in NYC.

gay guide to NOLA

fugitivefromchaingang — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 21:17:06 -0800

Tell me about gay bars in New Orleans. I'm staying with a friend for the next ten days in New Orleans. I'm gay and she's not, so she's not a great source of info about the gay bars in her city. She lives in the Marigny, which I know is near quite a few bars, and I could just try going into them and seeing what there is to see. But maybe you guys will have some insight about a little-known bar, or a night when a particular bar is really fun, or something like that.

I'm a 24 year old guy. I've been to NOLA before but haven't done much in the way of gay while I was there. I like laid-back, more neighborhood-y bars. I also like bear bars. Not a big fan of clubs.

Thanks in advance!

How does a gay man go about dating women?

pantheON — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 20:14:00 -0800

How does a gay man go about dating women? I'm a gay man who is looking to start dating women. How do I broach the subject with a date, if at all? Confused? Let me try to explain.

I identify as gay. When it comes to my sexuality, it’s the label I’m most comfortable with. But I'm also attracted to women. I’d rate myself as 4.5 on the Kinsey Scale and some of my friends would argue that I'm bisexual. I haven't dated a woman since high school and the last time I had sex with one was in 2002, but I've been pining over the fairer sex for the last year or so. I'm more easily and more often attracted to men, but the attraction to certain types of women is definitely there.

I believe I’ve reached a point where I'm comfortable with the notion that a person’s sex is less important to me than is the connection I have with them. Having recently moved to a big city where the dating pool is vast, I now have ample opportunity to pursue the other side of my sexuality. However, there are some obvious hurdles.

I'd like to know your ideas on (i) how a woman I'm dating might respond to finding out that I'm essentially gay, (ii) the ideal point in the dating process to broach the subject, (iii) the best way to broach the subject, (iv) how I can avoid being unfair to or hurting the other person, and any other thoughts you might have.

It may help to know that I'm a fairly "masculine" lad and most people wouldn’t guess that I’m gay.