Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with gay

I'm a lesbian crushing on a man. What now?

Autumn — Sat, 11 May 2013 20:44:12 -0800

I'm a lesbian who's recently found herself crushing on a man. Does this mean anything? Has anyone been through this? I guess it's usually the other way around. I've known him for six months, recently confessed to wanting to sleep with him, we did it and I wasn't as grossed out as I have been with my previous experiences with men. It makes no fucking sense.

I also confessed to liking him, but he's not interested in that and we've agreed to stop sleeping together. So I guess it isn't as much about him as it is... what the heck? I don't understand it. My whole identity is wrapped up in being a lesbian, I've never been attracted to men sexually. But I found myself staring at his arms, his body, getting turned on and things of that sort. No other guy, just him. I don't have a desire to start dating men again, because if I did end up with a man it would turn my entire life, my identity, my community upside down. I've struggled so much to be accepted as a lesbian among friends and family, and if I suddenly had a boyfriend I would undo all that progress.

At the same time I believe in being myself first and foremost; I feel like I'm in one of those lesbian movies where the girl falls for another girl but tells her she can't be with her because she "just can't be gay." Except with me, I feel like I "just can't be straight." Really, I don't want to be straight, I don't want to be bi, I've been a lesbian my entire life and I don't want to relearn Who I Am. I remember how difficult it was to even be accepted into the community back when I was pretending to be Bi. I don't want to lose my sense of self.

But I also don't want to live a lie, and if this is A Thing, part of me wants to explore it. But at the same time I've dated men, I wasn't into them sexually, I was only into women and it was an issue. I've also done the "sleep with random men" and I wasn't into that either. So "exploring" this just seems like taking a step backwards that will just lead to heartache more than anything.

I guess I just need help trying to process this. I'm very involved in the queer community, and lately I feel like an imposter.

I'm 45, female and just discovered I'm bi. Now what?

Anonymous — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 19:55:00 -0800

I'm 45, female and just discovered I'm bi. Now what? Yes, I know it seems unlikely, and the nearest I can figure is my arousal/desire for every single one of my lovers has occurred after being desired, rather than finding someone hot in advance. I was married for a very long time, and possibly oblivious to any gay come-ons, in my premarital time. For the sake of the information I seek, can we please assume that I am correct - that I am bi, and that this wasn't just experimental? (which has been suggested to me by a straight friend). I had very satisfying sex with a close friend a week ago after she flirted relentlessly with me for 6 weeks (yes, I'm clueless). I find I want more, and not just/necessarily with her. There were aspects of it very different to sex with a man (which I also enjoy immensely) which were just delightful, not least the emotional closeness, the softer kisses, the different body to hold in my arms, the feel of ... yeah, you get the idea.

So I don't know where to start, and feel like a near virgin again, but old enough this time to realise there's so many complications.

Here's some:
I'm concerned about coming out at some stage to my adult but somewhat innocent children, who still don't cope well with me having sex with someone other than their father, particular as their father and I didn't share a bedroom for most of our marriage.

I'm wondering if I should come out to my siblings - or is my sex-life none of their business, until I turn up at a barbecue with a female companion? They're not homophobic, but I think it will be a shock to them, simply because I've never identified that way.

I've heard that some lesbian women find bi-women problematic.
I don't know how to present my lack of experience at this age to potential female lovers. I don't know how to indicate my interest in a woman, in a way that is different to overtures of friendship. I really don't know know what to do in bed. I'm not sure lesbian porn is the way to go, if I could find it, because like, I wouldn't recommend porn to anyone to learn about sex.

I wonder if I should tell my friends, and long-term colleagues and I do work in a very gay-friendly workplace, but is my sexuality an inappropriate topic at work?

I'm a student and could join the uni queer support group, but the members are likely to be much younger than me, and with very different issues.

I'm confused that it took me this long to find out. I feel somewhat guilty that I didn't have to go through discrimination in my youth because I didn't know.

I'm kind of horrified that I'm so clueless about myself that I didn't know. I feel my self-identity has just been turned upside, and I'm not sure who I am anymore, and it feels awfully late to go looking for myself.

I wonder if I should go to gay clubs.

The very few straight friends that I've shared with seem to think it's no big deal, the males saying most women are bi, and whatever, the females telling me I'm still the same person I was before and they love me, which is nice and accepting of both sets, but not very helpful if you know what I mean.

I don't know where to start. I don't know what I don't know. I wonder if I'm making too big a deal of this.

Bonus question: my arousal/desire for every single one of my lovers has occurred after being desired - this probably explains why I have such difficulty masturbating to orgasm without company (and I do have a very good imagination, also can come very easily with a partner), but also makes me further question my sexuality - why is it so much tied into external influences. What's up with that?

Location: Brisbane Queensland Australia

It was Biiiilllll...

jonmc — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 18:15:15 -0800

In the late 1990's on the Oprah Winfrey show, there was a brief piece on a song that reached the low end of the R&B charts. Sonically it was pretty traditional soul music, but the twist was that it was a cheating song, but the female singer catches her man cheating with another man, named "Bill," which was the title of the song, IIRC. If anyone can provide me with the singers name that'd be great. Bonus points for an mp3 or youtube link.

I call BS (but I could be wrong)

showbiz_liz — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 12:10:59 -0800

Is there any biological evidence for the assertion that female sexuality is more fluid than male sexuality? Or is this imbalance more likely due to cultural factors? By 'fluid sexuality', I mean 'more likely willing to be sexual with people of both genders.' This could either mean bisexuality or just a willingness to experiment with people who don't necessarily align with your sexual orientation.

I'll go ahead and display my bias here: I have always assumed that, to the extent that women in my (middle-class American) culture have more fluid sexuality than men in that culture, that it is more or less entirely due to cultural factors and not to some inherent biological difference between men and women. I assume that in a different cultural context, men could be seen to have a more fluid sexuality than women, or the same level of fluidity.

But many people seem to believe that this is not the case, and that women are just naturally more inclined to sexual fluidity than men are.

So what's the evidence say? I want to be convinced either way.

I want to go to Belize but I'm gay.

wats — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 19:54:28 -0800

So Belize has some pretty backwards laws regarding gays and who can and cannot enter their country. Is this something that we should *actually* to worry about? Or, what are some alternate travel destinations we should be considering? So I've got a good amount of travel miles saved up, enough that I can have a free flight to somewhere in Central America or the Caribbean, and my husband and me are looking to plan a tropical vacation in the semi-near future, most likely backpacking-style. Belize is the destination that immediately sprung to mind. I've been before (albeit "closetedly"), and absolutely loved every moment of those six weeks. It wasn't until later that I learned, you're not supposed to go there if you're gay.

Is this something that is actually.. enforced? What are the risks and consequences of traveling to Belize while gay? What are some things we should be mindful of?

I definitely noticed, on the odd occasion, slight instances of homophobia and whatnot while I was there before, thought nothing scary or threatening (I was traveling with a group that included another gay guy, and met other gay travelers while there). But at the same time, I don't really feel like the people there spend the time and energy speculating whether or not someone might be gay or worrying about silly things like that. This is all going back 5+ years now. Have attitudes there changed since then? For better or worse?
My husband and I are not often assumed to be gay dudes even here at home (in fact, we are more often mistaken for brothers, or twins even, wtf). Obviously, we would know to be "discreet".

And what about getting through customs? Are they able to "tell" in some way that two dudes with Canadian passports are actually legally married (with different last names, and I don't even think the passports show the same address) if we don't tell them?

All that said, I'm not even that set on going back there yet, and I wouldn't mind giving my tourist dollars to a more hospitabe country, so I'm also wondering about some more gay-friendly destinations in Central America or the Caribbean that would offer some of the same things.. rainforest, beaches, caves/cenotes, ancient ruins, snorkeling, culture, and friendly people. I'd like to avoid Mexico. Costa Rica strikes me as expensive and a bit touristy (feel free to try and change my mind). How are El Salvador and Nicaragua? Jamaica is obviously out, but Cuba has crossed my mind. Any other Caribbean destinations we should be looking at?

Thanks!

Examples of gay stereotypes in television and film over the years in.

poolsidemuse — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 09:51:31 -0800

Currently working on a project that explores gay stereotypes (and tropes) in American TV and Film along with their effects on society over time. I will be discussing "Soap", "The Children's Hour" and Ikea's first gay couple commercial, but besides "The Celluloid Closet", I was wondering if there were other areas I could explore for more clips, interviews and examples I may be overlooking. Thanks so much.

Family Drama -- Aunt revisited

Lescha — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 10:19:04 -0800

I wrote this question about my Aunt. As it turned out, I just wrote back a very polite reply -- "thank you for your good wishes" ...I was polite. I felt good about this. Thank you for all the helpful answers. My Aunt wrote me again -- long story inside. Thank you for taking the time to read it. My Aunt wrote me again -- she has sent me another email telling an elderly family member has died. She said she "was sure I would want to know" and included all the service details -- date, time, location etc. I have not seen that other relative in over a decade (nor any of my relatives on that side for that matter). I sent very nice flowers to the funeral home.

I don't want to go to the service, it would make me feel very uncomfortable. Just thinking about going puts makes me upset. And, I feel it would make the others feel very uncomfortable too, given the fact my father disowned me. He will be there. I can’t even imagine what his response to me would be. I fully admit that I am afraid to find out.

My relatives know we don't speak, but I don’t know if they have any idea why – I doubt it. I doubt my Aunt has told anyone.

I think if I go, there will be family drama and this would take away from the family's mourning. I don't want that. My presence -- I am sure -- will be a distraction to the mourners. Also, I know my family -- they will be questions about what's going on: yes, even at a funeral. They will also notice -- what I can only imagine would be – very bad vibes between my father and me.

I don’t want to get into why my Father wants nothing to do with me at a funeral. Secondly seeing my father will be very difficult for me, given he wants nothing to do with me.

My father did not tell me about this death himself. He knows how to reach me, as does his wife. If he wanted me to know he could have told me himself. The same way he could have told me he was very ill.

So getting back to my Aunt – she says she told me about this death because she “was sure I would want to know"… I think this is what I am peeved about. I would want to know this and not about my father’s illness? (She does not know I know about the illness.)

Really I am in a bit of a state and I am not totally sure why my feelings are. I plan to talk to my therapist about this when I have my next appointment. But I am hoping for some feedback now from people who can look at this without my baggage.

It boils down to this:

"tl;dr" (an attempt at)

My Aunt did not tell me Father had very serious surgery (a life or death matter) and yet she tells me news of another relative’s death because she “was sure I would want to know"…

In both cases, my father did not elect to tell me about these things himself. In both cases, it is quite clear to me that my father does not wish me involved.

I know my Aunt perhaps did not tell me because my father didn’t want me to know. Yet, she tells me the news of this death. I know she may be in a hard place. But the fact is she is choosing what to tell and not tell me. It feels manipulative. And also, I think it’ odd that she’d expect me to go to a funeral where my father will be. Drama is inevitable.

I (think I) want to tell my Aunt (not now – the timing is bad, but later) that I don’t feel I can go to any family events given the situation with father and I hope she understands it is he whose had made this choice, not me.

If he wants me back in the family, then he (and only he) should let me know directly. If he does not, I accept his decisions, but this means sadly that being disowned makes unable to attend family functions where I feel I would not be welcome by father.

I also want to mention the fact I know about his very serious illness and surgery and that he did not want me know about it. This makes me feel certain that he still wishes to have no contact obviously.

But saying that strikes me as fueling the fire and being very manipulative myself. So I am thinking not to go there...

Or – should I leave it alone and say nothing to my Aunt? She will see I am not at the funeral and she (and all the others) will see that I sent flowers.

They will probably think I am being disrespectful by not coming and they may wonder what is going on (since I doubt my Aunt has told the others what the situation is) but that is not my issue.

Sorry for the jumbled narrative. I am leaning towards (after all this typing) saying nothing to my Aunt seeing what happens. Should I say nothing?

What can I expect from a gay rodeo?

londonmark — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 09:18:06 -0800

I'm planning on being in Denver at the same time as the annual gay rodeo there (Rocky Mountain Regional Rodeo). I'm wondering what to expect from the event and whether it's worth taking the time and effort to attend. Looks like gay cowboys have better things to do with their time than create pretty websites for tourists so can you help me figure it out please? I've been to the Houston rodeo a couple of times and really enjoyed it. I'm not expecting a gay event to be on the same scale but would it be along the same lines? Competitions, races, a show, some exhibitions, that kind of thing? Is it going to be big enough that a couple of English greenhorns don't stand out? Will the cowboy-curious be welcome? And, on a more practical note, how easy will it be to get to and from downtown Denver if I plan on attending? Thanks for all your help and advice!

Still scared about stupid sex

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 12:58:34 -0800

How to deal with intense anxiety from stupid and risky sexual decisions in the (pretty) distant past? Here's the deal. I regularly experience intense, almost vibrating anxiety and fear related to stupid, risky sexual choices I made in the not-recent past. I know the general AskMe consensus will be "Seek Therapy" but I'm already in therapy. I'm hoping to hear from other people who might have dealt or might be dealing with the same thing.

I am a gay man. I'm almost 30 and now in a monogamous relationship with a guy I trust. Have been with him for 4.5 years. However, when I was younger, specifically while I was living in NYC from age 18-24, I did some crazy stupid stuff. No, not as bad as men with meth problems or those who go out to bathhouses every night, but definitely some stuff that was risky and that I find terrifying because I can hardly handle the fact that it was me doing these things.

I am very shy, and when I was young I used to "compensate" for it by getting totally boozed up. On more than one occasion, I went home with a guy and bottomed even though I was so drunk I have basically no memory of the whole thing except for a memory that it happened. I'm not sure how many times I did this, but probably more than 5. And I don't even like bottoming -- at all! I really can't explain what the hell I was thinking, other than a vague sense that this was expected of me. I don't know that the guys, in these cases, didn't use condoms, but I wasn't in a condition to make totally sure of that. I think I told them to put a condom on, in each case, but honestly I don't remember. Just recalling those incidents is enough to get a minor panic attack going, because it scares the shit out of me to think that I was capable of being that stupid.

On another occasion, I made out for a long time with a guy who I now know was seroconverting and acutely infectious. At the time I didn't know that. This was a guy who I had had a crush on for quite some time, and though he "wasn't feeling well" we got to talking, and over the course of an evening realized we liked each other, and then made out for a good hour or more, even though -- this is super-gross, I realize -- he had a kind of rash, like red bumps, on his face, and he was a little sick. Well, a day or two later I was quite sick -- fever, sore throat, headache, seriously not well. At the time, even though I thought of myself as bright, intelligent, and informed, I was most definitely not, and I did not know about the acutely infectious period that quickly follows HIV infection. I certainly didn't think it could be something someone I know was actually experiencing. Well, I got better, but I never heard from the guy, and when I reached out to him six months to a year later, he said some stuff had happened to him, and further prodding revealed that he'd found out he was HIV positive. What was happening to him right when we made out was the seroconversion.

Yeah, I know -- making out is extremely low risk. But before people scoff at this, first of all, I am prone to bleeding gums, and second of all, the CDC says: "it is recommended that individuals who are HIV-infected avoid deep, open-mouth “French” kissing with a non-infected partner, as there is a potential risk of transferring infected blood." And I obviously *did* get *something* from the guy that made me temporarily sick, though I didn't get HIV.

Lastly, on one occasion some guy that I took home from a bar fucked me without a condom. He just did it. Maybe everyone reading this will focus on this incident -- I guess it is the worst of them all, though I want to emphasize that what I primarily feel about it is continuing fear at my own stupidity and apparent paralysis. Because I didn't do anything. I didn't try to stop him. It just happened, and that was that. I certainly didn't want him to do it, but I could not even, for some reason, bring myself to say the word "no." I just laid there and felt massive amounts of shame and humiliation. And no, I didn't go to the hospital afterwards to try to get the 72-hour-window post-exposure drugs -- I didn't know about their existence at the time.

Add to those above a large number (25-50? maybe even more?) of more or less random guys who I had protected anal sex with, mostly as a top, and about the same number that I had oral sex with. Please don't try to tell me that these were no-risk activities -- people push this myth all the time, I've noticed! -- because they weren't.

All of these things happened more than six years ago. I have been tested multiple times since then and I do not have HIV, according to the tests. However, I can't shake a feeling that I must "really" have it, somehow, and the tests just failed or something. I have only had sex with one person in more than four years, and he is monogamous as well and a good, upstanding, trustworthy guy, but pretty much every single day I think about getting tested again and feel sure that this time they'll find it. I set up another test recently because I just can't handle the uncertainty.

I've gotten much, much more educated on HIV since those years -- part of this anxiety and fear manifests itself in doing lots and lots of research into the subject. I know that the individual risks of infection from any one sexual encounter are low; conversely, I know that the infection rates among urban gay men are staggeringly high. I know people who are HIV positive, including one of my best friends, and I've seen first-hand that while the disease is not a death sentence anymore, for some people it is still absolutely brutal, to the point where they are basically permanently disabled (often by the drugs needed to keep them alive).

I feel two things: a) I was so stupid and reckless that I really ought to have HIV, I deserve it -- I let my parents and sibling and friends and everyone who cares about me down, I treated my health like it was worthless, and of course I put other people at risk, too and b) That person who did those things, who was that short-sighted and insane, was *me.* What does it mean that I am capable of being that foolish? At the time I didn't think of myself as foolish; I thought I knew it all. So now that I know better, I feel terrified of myself.

Yeah, I know: "Therapy." But I'm wondering if anyone has any other thoughts on what might help me -- help me what? Deal with the anxiety and fear, and anger, I guess -- anger at myself, I mean. I don't know that I want to "move on," though, because I have an idea that if I let go of the fear, if I let down my guard, I could somehow become the person that I used to be, and get myself into such situations again. After all, I *am* the person I was when I was 22, by definition.

Compromise: draw a face on those very nice abs?

Conspire — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 17:51:10 -0800

I'm a boy who wants to make out with other boys. Problem is, I'm bothered by the culture of some of the more popular online options (e.g. Grindr). What are my options? While admittedly I haven't tried out these apps and sites fully for myself yet, I'm not a fan of the impressions that I've had of them from my research and from anecdotes from friends. I'm not necessarily afraid of rejection, but I dislike actively taking the initiative to put myself in environments in which I feel uncomfortable and disadvantaged. There are behaviors that I hear that things like, for instance, Grindr, tends to promote that I feel that will make me feel this way.

It tends to be very racist, for one - I'm asian, and I would be very irritated to hear comments that rightfully belong in the last century. It's definitely sexist in how it wedges guys into a dichotomy of "masc" versus "fem" with the latter being weaker or wrong in some sense - my personality is not stereotypically either, but I feel like I'd be classified as the former and thus subject to abuse just because I'm not the type who likes sports and cars and working out and thus falls into the "weaker" category by default. It's very body-centric - I'm proud of my body, but it's by no means an "ideal" body type (I'm very thin). And most of all, I find that it encourages a great deal of objectivization, which really does not get me hot: I'm into people, not penises and stomachs.

Am I over-exaggerating these concerns? Is it right for me to consider these issues as valid for not using online hook-up services? Because it seems weird that I'm the only one who's not when every guy out there is tapping away at Grindr 24/7.

But either way - what are my alternatives for meeting boys who'd also mutually like to make out with me?

Playing my part in making life for fellow LGBT countryfolk bearable.

divabat — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 15:09:33 -0800

The State-sanctioned homophobia and transphobia in Malaysia, my country of origin, is breaking my heart. What can I do as a currently overseas citizen to make things better for my fellow LGBT folk back in Malaysia, particularly in raising awareness of the issue internationally? I left Malaysia for various reasons, but one core reason was escaping the various persecutions and micro/macro-aggressions I felt for who I am. Most of this has to do with race (my parents are Bangladeshi migrants) and citizenship/residency, but I also felt that I wouldn't be safe exploring my sexuality in a country that so deeply vilifies sexuality that "sexy" is a slur and politicians get run out of Parliament for what they wear (or don't) in their sleep. It took me until I had been in Australia for a few years that I felt safe and able to explore my sexuality and gender without having to look behind my back to see if I will get screwed over by the Malaysian Government. I have had friends and acquaintances who cannot go back to Malaysia because they will face persecution, and one person whose Government scholarship was revoked and who was forced to come back home because her ex outed her as a trans woman.

I am trying to get the word out about the situation in Malaysia, especially this ridiculous propaganda musical, but I am facing a few roadblocks:

1. I am overseas and am not likely to return to Malaysia anytime soon, so my ability to organise something back home is limited. If I did try to do something in Malaysia, I'd be dismissed as a "foreign Zionist agent" of some fashion.

2. Incorporated into the musical is a plot point about how LGBT people who protest are being paid a handsome sum by the Opposition party and are merely reacting against the advice of "reasonable Malay Muslims". This makes any show of protest difficult to be taken seriously - especially when the main sexuality rights event in the country gets shut down for "threatening to disrupt public order" - pretty much the main excuse for arresting any protestor ever.

3. I am trying to get the word out in the Bay Area (where I live right now), especially with the Queer People of Color circles I am heavily involved with. Not many people have really picked up on this though - most people get stuck on "a musical about anti-gay sentiment! ISN'T THAT IRONIC" and don't move on from there. Also it seems that Malaysia doesn't quite have the White/Western Savior Cred of places like Uganda or India, where people seem to care more about LGBT issues there.

4. Even when there are people that DO care, I'm at a loss for what they could do. Petitions are pointless, because the Malaysian Government isn't going to pay attention (the whole paid-by-the-Opposition thing). International attention would be handy, but then it becomes "Foreign Zionist Agents". Tying this in to the United Nations may be useful, but I'm sure there will be a stack of countries who will take Malaysia's side.

5. People often bring up voting, but Malaysia has arcane voting laws that make it near impossible for overseas residents to vote. I technically am allowed to vote overseas because I'm an international student (one of the few classes of overseas residents allowed to vote), but I have to register in Malaysia first - not overseas. Gah! (Besides, it's not like there is anyone to vote for in my district that isn't Ruling Party, and there's a lot of electoral fraud.)

I want Malaysians to see that the so-called deviants are people like everyone else, diverse and unique and part of their community, and not a danger or scrounge to society. My current idea is to organise a performance of monologues, ala Yoni ki Baat (semi self link) or The Vagina Monologues, about Malaysians dealing with the stigmatization of sexuality. Not just in terms of being LGBT, but also slut-shaming, ageism against young people, and misogyny - one does not have to do much to be branded a sexual deviant in Malaysia. I have been and am currently involved in these sorts of This requires being back in Malaysia for a substantial amount of time, which I am not able to do right now. I'm also reminded of how the Vagina Monologues are banned in Malaysia and how anything of this nature would have to be underground...which then leads to the issue of preaching to the choir, the people who already know that LGBT people are not evil...rather than the people who will be affected by this propaganda. Something along the lines of the Pussy Riot worldwide protests would be awesome, but I'm not sure how to get people to care.

Any ideas of what I can do to get international support? I'm reaching out super slowly, one person at a time, but I really don't want Malaysia to get away with it and continue being an unsafe hostile space for people like me.

Help me sort out what I should say to my aunt -- family drama.

Lescha — Fri, 22 Feb 2013 19:35:29 -0800

Background: When my father learned I was gay, he disowned me. Think radical old-world "you are dead to me." This was many years ago -- well over a decade. He was very serious and cut off all contact with me. Made it clear I was out of the will and all of that -- very dramatic. I did try to initiate contact a few times many years ago, but was rebuffed. This is not what my question is about though -- I am at peace with this. I know I am a worthwhile and lovable person and I have many people in my life who care about me/love me. I had therapy when all this happened and I really feel I dealt with the emotions then. I know I am lovable and valuable person. Also, my relatives on my late Mother's side -- who are also quite old-world -- surprised me with their acceptance... My question is about my aunt -- my father's sister. She was not exactly super warm when she found out I was gay -- "I love you anyway" type thing. She lives very far away -- many hours by plane -- and so we used to email once in while -- pleasantries and such. But for a long time she did not know I was gay. We just emailed Christmas wishes and that type of thing. After the situation with my father, I decided not to continue to tell that side of the family. And since this aunt lived very far away it never really came up in our once in a while emails.

How she found out I was gay: about five years ago, she -- in a nutshell -- emailed me and chastised me for not talking to my father. (It was quite sudden, I assumed she knew we were not talking.) She said I should forgive him -- he's my father and so on. What? Forgive him? Well, my father told her I was not talking to him (and not vice versa) because I was angry that he remarried etc. - I was not/am not. He lied saying it was my doing that we were estranged. He would not tell anyone I am gay I guess...the "shame" of it. Indeed I was very, very nice to his wife when we met -- before the disowning debacle.

I told her that he was, in fact, not talking to me. I explained that I am gay, he disowned me -- the whole story. And that I would love it if we had a relationship (not so true now) but it's his decision not mine. After that there was radio silence for quite a while - many months -- maybe a year. That hurt, but I moved past it.

When she did email me back she basically said: your father is your father and he feels the way he feels. Along those lines. Well, I am not sure what I thought then -- it was a long time ago -- but I recall that I was kind of thinking that she could have said more than "I love you anyway." It was not very a very supportive message and I was hoping she'd say my father was wrong or something. Nope. Both of them are in their mid to late 60s. She just said that even if my father and I were not in touch she wanted to keep in touch with me.

Then she disappeared -- no emails -- she was not in touch. I guess it's been 3 or 4 years. Mind you, I did not email her either, but I was unhappy about that contact and I didn't feel like emailing her...I was upset. I guess I felt like she took my father's side. Well, that's not quite what I mean -- but I did not feel supported by her. She and my father are very close. We were very close when I was a child/teen too. I do love my aunt.

And so out of the blue she emails me this week to wish me a happy birthday. Just a short note..."we have not talked in a while, hope you are well" type thing -- not much content. Short, friendly tone...like it hasn't been a very long time!

Now I am fretting about what to do -- if or how to respond. I am not typically a fretter, but this threw me for a loop.

There is a reason for this thrown for a loop feeling beyond the existing family dynamic --

My father had very, very serious surgery (a life or death matter) six months ago after and no one told me. Not even her. I found out by a non-family member in a very coincidental way. No one on my late mother's side knew about this either. (They don't care for my father as they love me and hate the way he's treated me.)

My father, nor my aunt know that I know about the surgery. His not telling me felt like a very, very clear signal he wanted nothing to do with me -- not even in the face of death.

My aunt's not telling me makes me feel complex emotions that I am finding it hard to sort out -- that she obeyed his wishes perhaps? That she agreed I should not be told since I was gay and did not deserve to know he was unwell? Was she going to tell me if he died? I don't know -- the feelings are complex.

So now she's emailed me this short little warm little email and I don't know how handle it. I feel -- I think -- angry -- or maybe I feel sad?

I don't want to just be all warm and chit chatty. I think I want to tell her she need not wish me happy birthday if she thinks I don't need to know my father almost died.

What should I email my aunt back -- should I even email her back?

.

Human male social etiquette question.

Nomyte — Thu, 21 Feb 2013 09:29:32 -0800

I've asked a couple questions about building a richer social life on AskMeta, and a few times I've gotten the suggestion that I should be spending more one-on-one time with friends and acquaintances. My observations suggest that women socialize this way more often than men do. Tell me I'm wrong, then share tips. Step 1: The cultural background is that this is the mid-Atlantic region of the US, the year is 2013, and I'm 28, male, white, gay, and not very blue-collar.
Step 2: Assume that I am not without redeeming qualities and that I do have at least minimal social skills.

I'm not in a relationship, I don't date friends of friends much, I'm not in any LGBT service organizations, etc. The result is that I haven't had the occasion to be out to everyone I know, especially to people I know from work.

I am usually OK at setting up group activities (including MeFi meetups), and when I'm with a group, people at least seem to enjoy my company somewhat (see Step 2 above). I occasionally end up inviting a single person to go do something somewhere, either because I haven't seen them in a while or because I don't feel like going out with a group.

I really struggle to think of an occasion when I invited a female friend somewhere by herself and got a positive response, as opposed to "I probably can't" or "I'm going to be busy." This includes women who have known me for a while and know (to the extent possible, I guess) that I have no romantic intentions.

I generally don't ask guy friends to hang out one on one, and guy friends don't ask me to hang out one on one. A few times I've ended up getting dinner after studying with someone, but I feel that this sort of thing is more situational than spontaneous. I've gone to events a few times with a straight male roommate before, but he seemed to remark a lot about how it must look like we're out on a date.

On a couple of occasions I've ended up somewhere with a gay guy friend (because we are the only two to show up to something). Granted, these were not people I knew very closely, but it seemed like both times the evening was spent with them on the phone with their partners.

To refine the question further, I hope you can talk about something like:

you are (or know) a guy and you meet people socially (as opposed to work/school) one on one a lot, maybe over coffee/drinks/lunch/whatever, and you don't think it's an issue for you socially at all
you feel that there are some social norms for guys to navigate here and you make certain conscious gestures to make one on one socialization relaxed and fun
you feel that there are definite limitations on socializing this way for guys, either based on who you can invite out or the sorts of things you can do together
this is just "not a very guy thing to do," guys are socialized and expected to hang out in group settings, and tete-a-tetes are reserved for more close/special/intimate occasions

Thanks!

Gay Celebrity Gamers

Unsomnambulist — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 21:10:20 -0800

Please help me compile a list of openly gay video game players who are celebrities, influencers, or otherwise successful in their own industries. I'm looking for musicians, actors, directors, others in the creative industry, as well as CEOs, writers, spokespeople, bloggers, and just about anyone who is respected in their industry or community.

Coming out & Overseas Relationships

mrdexterous — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 16:22:21 -0800

I finally came out to myself, my therapist and my mom. And I am in a deep overseas relationship with a guy that I met online from South America. Where do I go from here? Lots of details inside. Hello! I am a 23 year old man and have been struggling with accepting my sexuality for my entire life. About 8 months ago, my life began to change when I met a guy online from a country in South America and fell in love with him. I worry that it will be hard for people to believe that you can fall in love like this (just as it was for me), but it did happen. Such passionate, deep sweet love. We really are lucky to have found each other's soulmate.

Since then, we've spent every day talking on video chat, phone, writing long letters, etc. We spent months dreaming about the moment that we would actually meet and be together. And then just two and half weeks ago that moment finally came true. I flew down to South America to meet him. We traveled together for two weeks and it was absolutely amazing.

While on the one hand I was so happy during the months leading up to this moment, I have also never felt so alone and sad in life. I live alone, and nobody knew about my sexuality nor this relationship. But then about 3-4 weeks ago I decided that I needed to talk to someone about this. The happiness that I was feeling about this relationship was so much stronger and more powerful than the pain and secret of my sexuality that I was repressing for so many years. So I found a therapist (who also happens to be gay, older, very understanding, perfect mentor). And I came out to him about my sexuality and about my relationship right before I left. It felt amazing - like my system finally relaxed a bit.

Then I went on the trip, and just came back yesterday - to my empty apartment. And all I can say is that I felt a great deal of happiness and calm confused with a sense of sadness and pain. I miss my guy so much. Every little thing reminds me of him. And I can't seem to let it go. Having to say good bye to him at the end of the trip was the hardest moment of my life. I cried (and I never do that) for many hours during my 30 hour flight back home. When I got home, I entered the shower and was finally by myself and I just wept out loud and cried again, hyperventilating. Then I took a nap, and when I woke up, I was so delirious and confused for a few seconds. Crazy thoughts were running in my head... where am I? What time is it? I started to say the name of my guy out loud several times and looked around for him. And then suddenly the scary reality kicked in and I realized he was not there. I kinda freaked out, and just felt so broken. How can we be together again? So many logistics to overcome. And a long journey ahead of us.

Then I went to bed again and woke up at about 4am in the morning. I called my parents (7am their time) and told them that I was very sad that my trip is over and that my normal routine is starting again (they don't know the real reason for my trip and about my sexuality..) I told them that I feel like I have nothing exciting to look forward to. They tried to be very supportive and were really nice and said some comforting things. But then I started crying and getting super emotional. My dad had to leave, but my mom wanted to keep talking to me - because she felt like something deeper was up. We decided to video on Skype (haha just like how I met my guy).

And then all of a sudden, I just felt this intense urge to tell her everything. Through Skype (OMG!!). I was just so vulnerable and emotional and broken and confused. But at the same time, for the first time in my life I felt so ready to just talk. And she was soooooo supportive and it felt amazing. She sent me this text afterwards:

"It's about time you felt good, really good about yourself. You are an amazing person and I'm so proud to be your mom. Thinking about you and sending you so much light and love. I'm very proud of you and love you so much! Everything will fall into place, just be patient. If you and [name of my guy] are meant to be together, you will. Take one step at a time. Love you always!!"

I literally almost started to cry (AGAIN) haha. And I'm at work right now just thinking about it and about my guy and about everything. Anyways - sorry for my stream of consciousness but had to write about this to just let it out. I guess I also just wanted some validation, because I really feel proud of myself and just want to scream to the whole world about it. Never thought I would be able to get to this place. I have a LOT of work ahead of me still to do, but for the first time in my life I feel like I truly accept myself and love myself.

Would love to hear any thoughts or advice on where to go from here. I have a great job and not sure if it's worth moving away in the near future to be with him... yet at the same time I don't feel like I have any roots anywhere. He's in graduate school in a very specialized field in his country, very rooted, but also a bit lost yet open minded. We are both flexible and willing to think about all possibilities/options. Lots of things to face. I guess I just took the first step by talking to my mom about it. Thanks so much for listening!! Sorry my thoughts are not fully coherent.

What Else To Improve Dating Prospects?

cscott — Thu, 14 Feb 2013 02:48:36 -0800

A year ago, I posted about whether I should have any plastic surgery done to improve my dating prospects as an "ethnic" gay man in a major US urban area. Six months ago, after a lot of introspection and a commitment to psychological counseling to help me build my self-esteem, I decided to pursue primary rhinoplasty. Here is what I've learned in the time since I last posted about how to improve my dating prospects: (1) Of course, I believe that friendships and romantic connections are more to do with personality, intelligence, values, etc than faces and bodies. At the risk of seeming superficial, I am posting here only in respect of the issue of physical attractiveness (because, unfortunately, it is given primacy above all else by most gay men where I live)

(2) I feel that the results of my surgery are quite good. They are not perfect, but the quest for physical perfection is illusory anyway.

(3) I feel much better about the way I look and who I am than I did last year and seeing a therapist has helped me tremendously. But I am still plagued by doubts about whether I will be physically appealing enough to other attractive-but-not-modelesque gay men like me.

(4) I don't know whether more plastic surgery will change anything for the better or make it more likely that other attractive-but-not-modelesque gay will take an interest in me.

(5) I am beginning to wonder if the reason most of my friendly messages to said gay men on dating websites are ignored because I am "batting outside of my league" without realizing it.

***

My question is as follows and can be answered with reference to this link:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/93182666@N05/sets/72157632761125245/

(A) Regarding (4) above --> Based on the photos you see do you see anything else that might benefit from surgery to improve my attractiveness?
Thanks!

A threesome with a not-so-happy ending...

lewedswiver — Sun, 10 Feb 2013 21:03:41 -0800

Does the description of this gay porn video ring a bell? Anyone recognize (and have a link to) this gay male porn video? It's probably from the 90s, give or take. Unfortunately, it was only described to me and I haven't seen it, so I don't have any details beyond the following.

It is a threesome scene in which we see a couple go out and bring meet a third guy for a threesome. They have sex, and over the course of the scene we see clear evidence in the body language that there is mismatched attraction. The third is more interested in one of the two than the other, and one of the members of the couple is left out of the sex. The result of the sex scene may be that the couple breaks up.

Presumably, among the intentions of the filmmakers were to show the reality of a threesome -- that real people and emotions and relationships are involved, and that they can get in the way of simple fucking. However, it is also clear that this is a straight-up hardcore porn scene.

The scene is not from Shortbus, and I do not believe that it is a scene cut from a similarly-themed movie. It might have a vibe as if it were, but I believe it is more a sex scene with human drama, rather than (a la Shortbus) a human drama with an element of sex.

Anyone recognize it?

Asked Out A Friend. Rejected. Now What?

christiehawk — Mon, 04 Feb 2013 23:02:59 -0800

About a month ago I asked about how to flirt with a friend. Well, I asked her out, and got rejected. Now I want to know how to deal with it. About a month ago I asked this question, and the overwhelming response was to ask her out. Well, it took me about a month, but after much mixed signals and attempts at trying to get her attention, today I just cut to the chase and asked her to grab coffee with me. After some small talk and a few awkward silences I eventually said that I'd really been enjoying hanging out with her and that she's really cool, and asked her if she'd ever want to go on a date. She said she didn't think we should date. I have no clue what that means and I didn't pressure her to delve into what that means or why she doesn't want to. I told her it was cool and I still wanted to be friends, and she asked if we could still hang out. She was really nice about it and let me down easy and stayed and talked after about random stuff. Overall it went about as well as it could have. Obviously though, it wasn't my desired outcome.

I'm still kind of...numb. I don't know how I'm going to feel. I'm oscillating between feeling good for doing it, feeling numb from the release of all the built up stress, and tears over the fact that I can't have her and the sting of rejection.

I guess...I'm just looking for tips on how to handle this and not fall into a self destructive spiral. Being gay does not help, as the saying "plenty of fish in the sea" is just not that applicable. And it really sucks because I really clicked with her and found her to be a very decent human being. We get along so well, so it just kills me.

I have never once stated my attraction for someone until today and I'm 28. (Long story of coming out and such.) I just don't want to get super cynical and bitter.

Any tips or advice would be gladly appreciated.

Gay Friendly Travel Agencies?

timpanogos — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 15:50:10 -0800

Have you used a gay friendly travel agency to book a vacation or give you advice on a destination? What agency/website did you use? My partner and I are looking to travel to South America this year and looking to a gay friendly travel agency to take care of the details for us. There are a lot of options out there so I was wondering if the hive mind had some Best Ofs to recommend. We are two women in our early thirties who aren't too picky, but would just like someone to do all of the complicated stuff for us and keep the specifics of our situation in mind. I'm sure this exists just not sure where to start! MeFi Mail is welcome. Thanks!

Is my boyfriend gay?

Anonymous — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 13:45:47 -0800

Am I being paranoid for worrying that my new boyfriend is gay? Also, is there a delicate way of broaching the topic or should I avoid it altogether? I just started a new relationship with a guy I've known through work for awhile but never got to know closely. Maybe I'm an asshole but when I first met him I thought his speaking style and mannerisms screamed gay. Usually I'll hold off on judgment but in his case the impression was so strong that I didn't even question it at first. Sometimes I get uneasy when I have to work with straight guys because of the sexual tension, and I remember thinking to myself when we were introduced, "good, he's gay, I can relax." Other people I know also thought he was gay at first. So I was surprised a couple of months in to hear him mention an ex girlfriend.

Recently he confessed he'd been harboring a crush on me for awhile, and he asked me out. I was thrilled because I liked him too. He seems very smitten with me -- he tells me constantly that he adores me, calls me beautiful, says he feels so lucky to have me, when we are together he can't keep his hands off me, other people who have seen us together have said, "he is clearly falling in love at break neck speed." He is the one who initiates most of the physical stuff -- he was the first one to kiss me. We are already in a committed relationship even though it's early, something he and I both wanted. I'm totally crazy about him, but I keep having panicky thoughts that I'll discover he's closeted.

Sex seems to make him uncomfortable. After our second official date we wandered back to his place. We started making out and he seemed very into it or so his hard on suggested. But he got uneasy when things moved in the direction of sex. He told me it was a little too soon for him so we both got naked but didn't go further. The next date we were in the same situation. This time he told me he felt torn because he wanted to have sex with me and was horny but it was important to him that it be "real" and "meaningful." He started touching me down there and then took his pants off and put himself inside me. After about a minute he pulled out and said he was too tired to continue. We are going on our fourth date tonight.

Other relevant info. He is 23, had been in a long term serious relationship living with a girlfriend previous to this that ended two years ago (she ended it, he was crushed). He told me he had been celibate since that relationship ended because he was so scarred by the breakup and wouldn't ask girls out even when he felt attracted. He also told me that he doesn't do casual sex. Other things... He is on heavy anti depressants and I know those can disrupt sexual functioning. He is very insecure and afraid of rejection. We live in a very liberal community and his best friend is a lesbian, so it's not like he'd be ostracized by his community if he came out. This is probably stupid but I'll just throw it out there: the other day when we were talking about the movie "Lincoln" he told me he had a "man crush on Daniel Day Lewis."

I know anything's possible but am I being ridiculous for worrying? Are there lots of totally straight guys who come off as stereotypically gay in their manner? Could there be other explanations for his sexual hangups? Any other women have experience dating straight guys who come off as gay to strangers? What about women who were with guys who later came out -- what were some of the warning signs you see in hindsight? Would it be a terrible idea to address my concerns?

FYI I have never mentioned anything about this to him, and he doesn't know I thought he was gay at first. I didn't want to hurt him by mentioning it because I'm sure he gets it all the time.

Why am I so hung up on this?!

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Dec 2012 09:20:31 -0800

I am heterosexual. During a party, I was asked by a roommate if I was gay. This is not the first time - I need help navigating my insecurity regarding my sexuality. Details inside. A bit of backstory before I get to the question - sorry in advance for the length!

I am in my mid-20's, and am a guy. I had a sheltered upbringing, and as such I have always been a bit socially awkward.

I have never been attracted to men. I have never had even the slightest bit of interest in the same sex. All of of the porn I view is cleanly on the heterosexual side of things as well, so I know that I am not repressing myself sexually in any way shape or form.

When I was in middle and high school I had nowhere near the level of emotional maturity necessary to have a relationship, and also never went on dates - it was a lot of reading and playing video games with friends for me. I was also taking Zoloft since middle school, which is known to cause sexual side effects - this may have played a part in my disinterest in dating (although masturbation was frequent, so maybe not)

Some of my "friends", who I do not consider to be friends looking back, would often insinuate that I was into guys since I never talked about girls - I honestly just thought I didn't have a chance with the ladies, so I didn't really bother. This led to even lower self-confidence, which helped ensure my lack of a dating life.

I would like to believe that I have progressed significantly in terms of emotional and social development in the last five or so years. I got LASIK, lost the acne and upgraded my wardrobe, all of which really helped out my confidence. I went on dates (mostly arranged through the internet) and had a lot of success. I've had a few LTR's. Recently I've been pretty secure about myself.

At the party yesterday, though, a drunk female roommate asked if I was gay and said she had always thought so. Her reasoning was that I tend to use hand gestures that seem feminine/flamboyant. Also, I never bring girls back like the other guys do (I tend to be a bit secretive in terms of my personal life. Maybe this is a bad idea, I don't know).

I replied that I was not gay, and I think she could tell from my reaction that I was a bit shocked and hurt. I excused myself to go to bed, it was quite late so it didn't seem too out of the ordinary (around 1 AM). I honestly think she might not even remember this conversation, as she was quite drunk.

I spent the next hour or so before sleeping brooding, googling random phrases like "was asked by friend if gay". I honestly could not believe that had been so affected by her words, and was more upset at my sensitivity than her question. I feel like my masculinity was being called out, and every time I try to be "me" my sexuality is brought up. This also brought back a lot of bad memories of being teased in high school as well.

A lot of the forums I found through google gave nuggets of wisdom such as "yah, if he acted defensive or hurt he probly is gay u should ask again" and whatnot. Not too many that seemed to fit my situation or even sounded like good advice to begin with, so I decided to ask here.

It seems like every time I feel like I am becoming more confident in terms of my sexuality or in general, something like this happens. I truly resent that my self-esteem regarding my sexuality is like a tower of playing cards: With one careless remark, it can all come tumbling down so easily.

The ideal me, the me I want to become, is able to shrug or laugh off these comments. I am going on dates, I have a decent sex life, and I have no confusion regarding which gender I am inclined to pursue. Maybe if this had been the first time I was asked, I would be able to brush it off - but it is bringing back memories of the sexual frustration I experienced when I was a teen, and I hate that I am still so affected by those thoughts.

SO: If anyone has any words of wisdom on how to become more confident in my manhood, I would love to hear them. Also, I would like to know how to react better the next time something like this happens. I am thinking about what to do about the hand gestures as well, but I really don't want to change myself too much because of one drunk comment.

PS: I know that it is perfectly okay to be gay. I have gay friends/family and love them to death. So please don't think I am gay bashing in any way shape or form! I would just like to know how to be more comfortable in my own skin and not have a reaction like the one I had last night.

How to stop my colleague undermining me at work?

Anonymous — Wed, 19 Dec 2012 12:30:03 -0800

At work, my slightly-more-experienced colleague makes a habit of saying subtle and/or ambigious cricitisms, disguised as innocent remarks. I spoke to management about it recently but they couldn't see the problem. How should I deal with a work colleague who tries to undermine me and make me look bad, but who is subtle enough not to get caught? Management said bullying was a serious allegation and there was no evidence my colleague intended to imply anything negative with her remarks. On the face of it her remarks do sound innocent, but she uses implication, inference and hypothetical scenarios to convey that I"m not capable in my job, that I'm gay*, that I'm inappropriately dressed for work etc.
I'm convinced these implications are no accident, but instead my colleague is trying to undermine me and make me look bad. I'm having trouble proving what I think - most of it is communicated through tone of voice, body language, precise choice of words.
My colleague doesn't do anything wrong when management are around - in fact she is totally sweet and innocent and is otherwise a good employee. Some people see this colleague as a "pot-stirrer" but many miss/ignore the implications of what she is saying. She has some friends who will help defend her, whereas people I'm friendly with say they don't want to get involved or want to be friends with everyone.

How do I deal with this subtle, undermining sort of bullying if management isn't going to help?

How do I stop myself from getting bullied in the first place?

*I want to point out I have no issue with gay people / homosexuality at all, in fact I come from quite a liberal culture. But my colleague, and many of our my workmates come from a different culture, where being gay is seen as a mortal sin / something to be ashamed of. Management seems to accept this stance as being part of this large minority group's religious and cultural beliefs.

First-timer seeks personal and career advice!

DRoll — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 21:41:18 -0800

21-year-old college junior seeks career and coming out advice! Lots of details inside... I'm a long-time lurker, first-time poster, and I'm struggling in two areas of my life right now. I feel like I've made little to no progress in either area since I've started college, and I feel uncomfortable talking to my friends or family about either one.

1) I'm really unsure as to what I want to do after college. I'm currently an English major with a double minor in Geography and Mass Communications. I would love to do something related to trivia or general research - I'm a huge game show fan, and I really enjoy doing word puzzles. Currently, I'm a freelance puzzle editor and a reader for our county's high school quiz bowl league, but obviously neither one of these can be full-time careers (although I wish that was an option!), and I'm somewhat stuck on what I can do past this level with anything related to this field. I've considered moving to L.A. and trying to get any position working on a game show and then trying to make my way into the writing department through that. I've also thought about trying to obtain a master's degree in library science, but I'm not sure if I want to do any more schooling or put myself into debt. I am essentially going to school for free right now thanks to a good set of scholarships and a resident assistant position, but I am really burnt out on writing papers and school in general, and I'm afraid that it would be really hard to get a job with a library science degree. I've also considered being a flight attendant because of the flexibility and travel, although I'm not 100% sure if that's something I want to do for my entire life. I'm also uncertain if I really want to jump right into the "real world" right after I graduate. Travel has been an option on my mind, but I'm not sure how to go about doing that on my own.

I'm also dealing with where I want to live after I graduate. I've lived my entire life in the same town in northeast Ohio, and nearly all of my family lives within an hour's drive. I love the area, but at the same time, I would like to live somewhere else and trying something new. I've considered moving to San Francisco, L.A., or NYC and just trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.

2) I've really thrown myself into a black hole when it comes to dating and relationships. I'm gay, but I have had an extremely difficult time coming out to anyone, especially family. As a result, I have only told a small handful of friends and a cousin - all via text or Facebook messaging. I'm terrified of coming out to my family, even though I have little evidence that they would take it poorly. I haven't been entirely covert about my sexuality - I've been on just about every dating/relationship/sex site in the area, but I've been pretty dismayed by all of them and I currently don't have a profile on any of them. I don't think people know that I'm gay, although I think in some ways it's blatantly obvious that I am, especially in that I've never had a girlfriend and I don't want to have children.

I'm sad that I've been dishonest, especially around the people who I know really would not care at all. However, I also feel like I don't really want everyone to know, at least right away. I have a lot of internalized homophobia and low self-esteem, and I've never really felt comfortable being myself, even around the people who know me best. My high school was quite small (I had just over 100 kids in my graduating class), and I could probably count the number of LGBT students in the entire district on one hand. I was a very good student but I was not really popular, and I didn't have many friends outside of school. I never received any romantic interest from guys or girls - I didn't even go to my prom! Later, my first roommate at college (which is 20 minutes away from home) was an extreme homophobe, and I didn't come out to anyone right away because I genuinely feared that he would kill me if he found out. I quickly switched dorms after one semester, and he has since dropped out of school. I've done much, much better since then - I have made several good friends, and despite some personnel issues since the beginning of the year, I have really good working and personal relationships with the other RAs in my building. However, almost none of them know that I'm gay, and I feel like I should tell them.

I'm not really sure what I should do at this point. What is the best way that I should handle this? Should I just tell people that I know won't care, and if I do, how should I do this? Should I just wait until I'm done with school?

Repay friends who helped during long break-up?

CaptApollo — Thu, 15 Nov 2012 13:12:16 -0800

How to repay/show gratitude to amazing friends that have let me crash at their place for the last 5 months while I disentangled myself from LTR with co-owned condo? I just got out of a long term relationship with my partner of 9 years.

Because my ex and I have finally been able to unload our underwater condo, at long last I can afford to move into my own place. Two friends in particular have been extraordinarily generous with their own personal spaces (we all live in the city in smallish condos) and let me stay, eat, avoid the ex at their respective homes many nights of the week when staying at my own place was too painful.

Moving and dumping my condo is costing pretty much everything I have, so getting them luxury gifts or fancy dinnera out isn't in the cards--and they each have the means to buy the things they want so most gadget-type gifts are out too. Still, I want to do something nice for each of them. In addition to physical housing, they have saved me from some really dark moments after the LTR.

The two also have different personalities that might be helpful to know about:

Friend 1: Sincere, laid-back, older gentleman with a huge heart who values friends above all else. Big kid--always looking for a new adventure. Sappy options will fly with this guy.

Friend 2: Super-smart and smart-ass, mid-thirties. In the process of building a new life after his own LTR ended last year. Finicky eater. Sappy options won't fly with this guy.

We are all single gay guys.

I look forward to your suggestions!

How do I get the girl?!

HiphopAnonymous — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 15:26:39 -0800

Help me navigate my way through dating in my twenties and escaping the perpetual friend zoning: lesbian edition. Long story with links to my dating profiles for critiquing. I've gone through most of the dating threads here on MeFi and have favorite'd every post I feel could apply to me, but I'd love to hear some advice that can be tailored for a twenty-something lesbian who is having a difficult time landing a long-term relationship. It's something knew I've always wanted as I am not hardwired for casual encounters/flings/short-term relationships. I like having a strong bond with someone and I maintain them with family and friends, though ideally I'd really love to have a girl I can call my own -- one I am physically, intellectually, and emotionally drawn to that I can take out and have fun with and have sex with regularly and everything is mutual. My standards are basic and realistic, and I am not a practitioner of settling.

My history: I've been in the dating scene for about 4 years now -- 2 of those years exclusively dating women and I have met up with a total of 9 at this point. They've all varied between non-starters, short-term flings, and one long-distance relationship (the latter crashing and burning as I'm certain she found someone else). What I find to be the most frustrating of all is that more often times than not, things end on their terms. I'm either sent to the friend zone after the first date or involved in a short-term fling that ends with, "I'm not looking for anything serious." I have enough experience now to know how to balance on that fine line between being eager and aloof, and I exhibit enough assertiveness to let a girl know that I am interested without being overbearing -- so, what gives? I do tend to fall hard and fast, but as I said, I find that balance. I'm also more of a go-getter because I feel like I wouldn't achieve what I want by simply waiting for it to fall on my lap. This is why I have no problem initiating first moves with girls. Every date I've had has been via online dating because I live so far from the gay scene in my area. Really, it's my only option, but it has proven to be a very frustrating medium because it's largely a numbers game and it's easier for people to have a grass-is-greener mentality. Hell, maybe I'm guilty of it, too, though I try not to be.

Those of you follow posts here closely may remember my previous threads, so by my own admission, yes, I'm young, immature, naive, and have a lot of growing up to do; I'm definitely still a work in progress. :) For those who don't, here is a link to both my PlentyOfFish and OKCupid profile just to get an idea of who I am. My writing accurately reflects how I am face to face; however, I can't help but wonder if there is something off-putting about me in person that I cannot pinpoint. Every girl I've taken out has been visibly entertained (busting up laughing, lots of witty banter exchanged), but first dates seem to be my expiration date. I'm still in school living at home, and I'm beginning to seriously wonder if that's turning these girls off.

In the past two months, I've met up with 3 girls. The first one told me she was getting more involved with someone else when I tried to arrange a second date, and her honesty was met with a graceful "wish you well" exit. The second awesome but it seems we've implicitly assumed that we will just be friends, and the third? I felt the strongest connection with her after maintaining daily contact. It takes a very particularly witty person to keep up with my dry humor and she wasn't like most girls who essentially feed into what I say. I loved that she was able to dish it and take it and I felt like I found a great catch, AND she's very pretty too boot! After talking since Tuesday, we met up on Saturday and I definitely felt the chemistry. She took a moment to tell me how much fun she was having with me but I noticed that after about two hours, she kind of ended the date abruptly by saying, "Wanna get out of here?". It was midnight after all, so I drove her home just a few blocks away, and gave her a farewell hug and a kiss. No text when I got home and nothing the following morning. So I thanked her for coming out, that I had fun, and that I was looking forward to next time. Her response was, "I had fun too :)!". Asked her how she felt that morning (sent at 11:30AM, she had a strong drink the night before), and I didn't get a reply until about 10PM.

Normally when I notice a dramatic decline in contact, my gut tells me their interest waned while my head makes "they're just busy today" excuses. From past experiences, my gut has NEVER failed me. When I tried to make another date for tomorrow, she said it sounded fun, and followed up with another text saying, "And I think it's more of a friends thing for me :\". Once again, I tried to handle it like a G with, "Bummer! Well, it was pleasant meeting you, and good luck with all your future endeavors! :)". While I'm sad, I appreciated the opportunity of cutting off quickly like a guillotine. I understand that these are merely first dates and they owe me absolutely nothing, but when I've friend-zoned someone, I've always sincerely admired them as a person and have been genuine about it by giving them enough time and space for feelings to dissipate, and often times one of us eventually reconnects and we maintain a real friendship. I really wish more people were this way, although at the same time, I can understand how awkward and uncomfortable it would feel for them. What I don't get is that a couple of these girls (during the dates) will ask me something or say something that implies that they're thinking there will be a next time with me. Girl #1 asked how far of a drive I am to a new city she may be relocating to for work while the last one (Girl #3) asked if the rules at my house are strict/lenient, and how my parents felt about me spending the night elsewhere. There is never any follow-through and I'm beginning to take words with a grain of salt.

It's gotten to the point that I can't cry about it anymore… all I do now is just laugh at how ridiculous my bad luck is. Even the most resilient would get jaded -- but at the same time, I refuse to allow things like this (what I think is beyond my control anyway) to embitter me. I feel like all I can do is have a sense of humor about it because at worst, they make for funny anecdotes. I've had guy friends tell me not to worry, and they tend to say things like, "Oh, you're too hot for her anyway." Well, thanks brah… but it still doesn't stop me from wanting her. :/

Maybe what I need is an attitude change. I want to be more easy-going about all this and be like all the cool people who don't get so bent out of shape over trivial matters like this. I want to be like those people who can enjoy dating for its own sake carefree. How do I stop over caring? And how do I go about getting the girl? I want that ending where we run hand in hand through a flower field to the chorus of "Happy Together" and walk off to the sunset with Phil Collins' "Against All Odds" as the song for the closing credits.

On an ending note, I'm beginning to feel this way: http://imgur.com/gallery/Q7Llv. :) Thank you for reading!