Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with funeral

Funeral Home in Annapolis

NinaLee — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 11:00:51 -0800

Can anyone recommend an economical yet proper funeral home in or near Annapolis, MD?

Music for a good mourning

b33j — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 18:18:53 -0800

Copyright issues with memorial DVDs? I recently produced a DVD of photographs and music for a friend of a friend's funeral. None of the photographs were professional, but the music was from my personal collection of mp3s. As I was not paid for this, I didn't give it a second thought. Now, however, the funeral director has contacted me asking whether I can provide this service to his clients. What issues are there with scanning professional photos (there's bound to be a couple in every set) and buying music to use as a soundtrack? Where do I start to look for this information? If the client provides me with the mp3s to embed, is that okay?

I'm in Australia and I have read the 31 music + copyright questions

Do I try to fly home just for a funeral?

vickyverky — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:58:13 -0800

Should I try to overcome a series of practical obstacles so I can fly to the funeral of a longtime friend? Or just send regrets? I found out today that a dear longtime friend (a substitute grandfather/mentor figure, really) died late last week. His daughter, who is also a good friend, offered to reimburse me for the plane ticket if I come to the funeral, which is about two weeks from today. (I'm in the San Francisco Bay Area; they are in London.)

My immediate thought was that I wanted to be there (I've known him since I was very small, and he has always been a kind, wise influence in my life). However, there are several obstacles. It will be hard to get more than a week off work; I'm at a particularly brutal point at grad school; I'm a nervous flier; and (the capper) my passport has expired.

Realistically, it's probably a no. But I'm still considering it -- for now. Could I even get my passport renewed that fast? (I've looked at the British Consulate's website, but it seems to be pretty vague about the expedited fee process. I'm planning to visit the S.F. consulate in person if I can get through on the helpline tomorrow.) Has anyone else had to do this in a hurry for a family emergency?

I know that funerals are for the living, and that my friend won't be there, except in spirit. But I think I'd get great comfort out of being part of the ceremony to send him off. (The family is hiring a Routemaster bus to drive around his favourite parts of London before the service!) I can do the flight on Xanax and gin. I could hit the ground running, and see as many people as I could fit into a week's visit around the funeral. It would be mad, and sad, and busy. But it would also be unforgettable.

If I don't go, his daughter says she'll read out a letter, reminiscences, or whatever I want to send her at the service. She won't be offended or upset if I don't go -- she just knows how much her dad meant to me.

I'd appreciate any practical answers, as well as hearing stories of whether you've decided to do something similar.

Funeral Arrangements

kortez — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 09:03:06 -0800

What should my wife and sister-in-law know before going to the funeral home to make arrangements for their father? My wife and sister-in-law are exhausted from the days and nights in the palliative care unit with their father. They'd like to know a little about what to expect when they talk to the funeral director, and they'd like to know what kinds of questions they ought to be asking.

Info that may help you answer my question: He won't be cremated--there will be a casket but it will not be open. He is a WWII and Korea veteran. There will be a little bit of insurance money, but they would like to reserve as much as possible for their mother whose income will decrease by 90% when her husband passes.

They're interested in even the most obvious and practical suggestions.

I will monitor this thread pretty closely, so if you need more information, please let me know.

(I hope this is clear enough--I've been keeping the same vigil hours as my wife, so my brain is a little foggy, too.)

What tune did the French bloke play at Allingham's funeral?

vogel — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 08:14:25 -0800

At Henry Allingham's funeral, what branch of the services did the French bugler or trumpet player represent, and what piece did he play? Please have a look at/listen to the video here:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8175751.stm

Fast forward to about 3:53 (or indeed listen through to the grandson's very nice speech) where it cuts from the coffin in the church to the pallbearers carrying it out. At that moment a trumpet (or bugle) player starts up and plays a nice short call.

My question is simply:

Who is the bugle/trumpet player, and what call is he playing?

It is NOT the Last Post as we normally understand it in the UK. It is NOT Reveille ditto ditto. Most of the press coverage is simply confused in this area and near-worthless (er, with all due respect etc). I'm hoping that someone actually knows this tune. What's its name? Where (gulp) can I find the sheet music please??

*After* the trumpet player to whom I'm referring, two Royal Marine buglers did indeed play the Last Post. But it's not the same guys, not the same tune. I'm not asking about them.

The bloke I'm asking about is wearing a uniform unfamiliar to me, but the MoD press release and a couple of other sources say he's French. The RM guys are immediately to his L in the closing moments of the video. They are holding standard pattern British military bugles and he's got a more trumpetlike instrument. We can't be sure what it is just on a look so it could be technically either, just a different pattern, but I'm preferring to think of it as a trumpet. (But this is NOT a question about the instrument type, and it is NOT about valves. Honest.)

So, he's French military chap - what is he? That's one thing. (I don't mean I want to know his name, rank and serial number by the way - I mean what service/whatever does he represent? In other words, what uniform is that?

The other thing is - what call does he play? It's not the Last Post. Or specifically, it is not the British Infantry Last Post as played at 99.999% of such events, and as it's about to be played by those two Marines. I don't think it's the cavalry LP either though I do not have it to hand. I think it may be some non-UK tune of equivalent effect. The Last Post begins on a written low C and goes up to the G; this tune starts on that written middle G and goes up to the C above. (Yeah OK it's really in Bb but let's not fall out over that.) What is it? That's the crucial bit of my question.

Can you help please? Are you by any chance a member of the French military? Can I bribe you with croissants for your buglistic knowledge? All suggestions gratefully read! Thanks.

Help me help them now that she's passed on

Unicorn on the cob — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 09:41:54 -0800

My grandmother died this morning. I'm going home to help out the family, but I would like to make a list of things I might not remember before I leave so that we don't forget anything. This is the third death in my family since March, and unfortunately, my dad and aunt are overwhelmed right now so I've offered to take some time off to go home and help.

Dad is dealing with my baby sister's wedding at the beginning of next month and my aunt has health and family issues of her own, so I have been asked to go home and help pack up and disseminate things like clothing, shoes, purses, etc. while my aunt figures out what to do with furniture and financial assets. I'm the only one in the family without small children who lives nearby that can help out, I'm just inexperienced with things like this and want to make sure I cover as much as I can while I'm there.

We have to prepare the home for sale now that both grandparents have died. I wanted to make a checklist before I went of things to do, like:

1. Call all her doctors, dentist, hairdresser and nail person and cancel upcoming appointments.

2. Get copies of the death certificate and mail to all utilities with a written request to terminate services.

3. Take plants/flowers left over from the funeral and donate them to the local hospitals and hospices (I can do this, right?).

4. Should I shred things like paid bills, unused checks, deposit slips, that sort of thing? I have a small shredder I can take with me.

5. How do I cancel her mail if she's deceased? Should I put in a forwarding address to my dad or aunt's address and let one of them deal with cards or random mail that trickles in after the bills are taken care of?

6. The house is already in my aunt's name, so putting the house up for sale should not be a problem, nor should the taxes, etc. is there anything I might not know about regarding that which I could pass on to my aunt (i.e., you've sold a home after a death and something was different/odd about it vs. a regular home sale)?

7. Photos. I've been tasked with taking hundreds of older photos and creating a digital archive so that family members can access, save and print copies if they so choose. Any suggestions on software? Paid services that would make this easier than me scanning them in myself? Picasa vs. Flickr? Etc.

8. Online memorial page. My grandfather has one through the WWII memorial service; can I create one for her online, too? It would be nice to have a URL I can point people to that cannot attend the service this weekend and where I could post photos and information about her. Does such a site/service exist? Have you used it, and did you like it?

Any suggestions from those of you who have had to box up and dissolve another person's life, thank you in advance. I've read old threads like this and this and they were helpful, I'm trying to think of the post-memorial service stuff that people assume others are taking care of so I can take care of it myself this time.

I'm sure my grandmother had a will; I'm not worried about legal stuff, dividing assets, that sort of thing. I'm thinking of the more banal stuff that you don't realize you need to do after you've planned the service and had the funeral. Thanks, everyone.

Offer music at a wake?

Anonymous — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 20:20:37 -0800

I've recently learned that someone I used to know from when we were both much younger, has died. I knew him only in the context of church and we'd pal around on those Sundays, but we hadn't spoken in years. It's been suggested to me, by my parents, who still attend the church (I don't), that I might play some music at the wake, since I'm a violinist. But it seems to me this might be inappropriate for a few reasons. First, I'm not entirely sure music is traditional for a wake.

Second, I'm not sure it's appropriate for me to offer my services before being asked (although it's true that the deceased's parents don't know I'm in town).

Third, given that this person and I hadn't spoken for some time, I'm not even sure if it's appropriate for me to attend the wake in the first place, let alone perform music.

I'd be glad (not literally) to play music at the wake, if it would make things easier for the bereaved, but I'm wondering if there's a chance this might make things more complicated instead, or if it might be inappropriate.

What do other people think?

Good Modest Mouse songs for a funeral video?

Detuned Radio — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 12:29:40 -0800

Music Filter - I need some good songs by Modest Mouse and The Bravery for a memorial DVD I'm creating for a funeral service (18 year old male died in a car accident). Hey, Modest Mouse fans, what songs should I use? I need a few good songs for a memorial service DVD I'm creating for an 18 year old male who just died in a car accident. He's being buried in a Modest Mouse t-shirt and so I need some good Modest Mouse songs that would be tasteful and appropriate for the video. Also, he liked The Bravery, so a song or two by that band will help also.

Thanks!!!

Going to a funeral viewing--what do I do?

peanut_mcgillicuty — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 08:33:59 -0800

A friend's father just died, and I will be attending the viewing on Sunday. I don't know what to do about the body. This will be only the second viewing I've ever attended, and I froze up at the other one. I'd never seen a dead body before and I didn't know the deceased, and I didn't know what to do--go up to the casket? Just talk quietly with the family and friends gathered? I ended up doing the latter, and I never went up to the casket. It felt macabre to go and stare at a dead man I didn't know.

Most people seemed to be going up to the casket and making the sign of the cross and praying or something. I'm not religious, much less Catholic. I don't know what's appropriate to do in that respect.

Obviously I will be dressed somberly, won't be turning this into a catching up-fest, etc. I know how to act and what to say to the grieving, but I don't know what to do about the actual deceased. I don't want to offend anyone, nor do I want to pretend to go through religious motions or something like that. I've wondered for years whether my behavior at the last viewing was somehow offensive because I didn't actually go up to the casket.

Advice, please.

I'll be looking at the moon...

wafaa — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:13:25 -0800

I need the best recording of "I'll Be Seeing You" that you can recommend. I'm doing my Mom's memorial service slideshow and want to include this song. Nothing too upbeat, just smooth and mellow.

Graveside at a Catholic funeral?

Wittamer — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 13:09:35 -0800

Writing a funeral scene. Am familiar only with Jewish funerals. What happens, graveside, at a Catholic funeral? Prayers? How is the casket carried, and covered with dirt? Any specific rituals I should know about? If any knows particularly what happens at a Catholic funeral in France this would be even more helpful.

Explaining death and funerals to toddlers

Lleyam — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 14:55:26 -0800

Should my 18-month old niece attend my grandmother's funeral? So, it looks like my grandmother is going to die quite soon. This isn't a surprise as she has been in a nursing home and rather unwell for some time.

Of course, this is a challenging emotional time for me and my family, but particularly for my sister who has to decide whether her 18-month old daughter should attend the funeral.

My perspective on it is that I remember being excluded from my grandfather's burial and resenting it. But I was significantly older, 8 years old I'd guess.

So my view is that it would be great if my niece could attend the funeral and learn to see death as something natural, integrate it into her consciousness as a sad thing but one that is inevitable in the continuum of life.

My questions are:

1. How might my sister best explain death to her daughter? At 18 months she has limited vocabulary and comprehension so we're worried that using phrases like "nanny has gone away" might upset her because daddy often has to "go away" on business.

2. Once the death is explained, should my niece attend the funeral or will it be too upsetting.

Other things you might need to know: my sister is not religious and is not bringing up her daughter in a religion, although there is some Buddhist influence; my niece is being raised according to the principles of the Continuum Concept (I'm not really familiar with this myself but thought I should put it out there); both my sister and I were raised in a Christian household but don't want to pass on that kind of framing/mentality around death/afterlife to the little one.

Sorry this question isn't more articulate; I'm tired and not thinking straight. But in any case, I hope it is clear that I'm just trying to find some different perspectives on how best to deal with this situation for the best outcome for my niece.

What do I need to know about coffin building before I start?

davey_darling — Thu, 07 May 2009 15:40:53 -0800

What do I need to know to become a coffin builder? Are there regulations I have to follow? How should I sell them? How much should they cost? I am an experienced woodworker who is looking to branch out with a product that I can try to sell both locally and online.

My angle would be simple construction, somewhat roughly hewn, locally sourced lumber (pine or spruce) at what would hopefully be a reasonable price.

What is a reasonable price for a coffin like this?

What sort of interior finish do these things need? Does it have to be all silky and puffy? Would anyone ever go for a bare wood box? Do you need special latches or locks on these things? What am I missing?

Funeral program

ReneeOg — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 07:13:12 -0800

Can you help me to create a funeral program? I need to do the program or bulletin that's passed out to funeral-goers as they come into the church for my grandmother's funeral this Saturday and have no idea how to format it, proper wording, etc. Her church recently closed, so the church secretary who normally does the programs is not available.

Thanks!

In the case of divorced parents, who gets to decide on funerary issues if children die?

matkline — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 12:41:24 -0800

In the case of divorced parents, who gets to decide on funerary issues if children die?

In lieu of flowers...

acorn1515 — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:45:48 -0800

In the past few months, both parents of my Japanese-American (by way of Hawaii) coworker have passed away. What gift/donation might be appropriate and have special significance to her? My coworker is a professional female in her mid-60s. She's incredibly down-to-down, and still very much connected to her Hawaiian ancestry, despite the fact that she was a traveler for much of her youth and has since come to settle in NYC.

Her parents both battled with dementia, and their health declined rapidly over the course of the last year, after they relocated to the city. She will be returning to Hawaii sometime this spring to scatter their ashes, but I'd like to be able to make a thoughtful donation in their names (to a charity out there? Or something here in NYC?), and perhaps offer some sort of small token to my coworker, who's been largely on her own with the day-to-day of their demise.

Any suggestions? If it helps, my coworker is also an Obama-loving, slightly spiritual/hippie-dippie sort, though at the same time, pretty focused on her work and a borderline Type A personality (with a bit of a Know It All personality to match). Other quirks to help you get a sense of her: She brought in some salts once to "cleanse" the office of a grumpy old man who left our firm; whenever I so much as sneeze, she'll offer me a gigantic bag of ginger and/or vat of herbal elixir; and she's got a framed poster of the Beatles' "Hard Day's Night" and a signed print from Peter May hanging in her office.

First-Time Pallbearer

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 13:13:36 -0800

My wife's sister died, and I've been asked to be a pallbearer. What should I know? Of what customs, rituals, or traditions should I be aware? Any tips I should know? The family is Chinese, the service will be Catholic. (I am neither.)

What to bring to a funeral?

Laen — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 16:13:00 -0800

What, if anything, do you bring to a funeral? My fiancee and I are going to the funeral of one her patients. I've never been to a funeral for a non-family member before. What's the etiquette? Is it expected or appropriate to bring flowers or a card or something?

Forewarning on Funeral Leave

ocherdraco — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 21:25:37 -0800

Should I notify my employer about a possible (but not certain) funeral leave? My grandfather has had chronic lymphocytic leukemia for many years. Recently, he has taken a rather severe turn for the worse. There is a rather large chance (but it is not a certainty) that he will die in the next few months. I live in New York; my family is in Alabama. I will likely need to go back for a week for two funerals (one in his hometown, where he grew up and lives now; and one in my hometown, where he spent his professional life).

It seems that it might be helpful for my employer to know that I might pick up and go for a week at some point in the next few months; would it be helpful for me to warn them, or is this something I should leave be until it has actually come to pass? My employer has briefly met my grandfather (invited him to a baseball game the next time he comes to town, in fact); they are only acquaintances.

funeral flowers etiquette?

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 13:07:08 -0800

I've never sent flowers for a funeral before and am at a loss as to what to do. Bonus points for Modesto, CA florist recommendations. My aunt passed away and the viewing/funeral are on Thursday/Friday this week. I have a couple of questions:
- my dad has asked me to send flowers on behalf of my brothers and myself. I have no idea what's appropriate to send or how much to spend. Wreath? Spray on an easel? Bouquet? And, I was thinking around $100 - $150. Too much? too little?
- since the viewing and funeral are at the same location, it takes away the uncertainty of where to send the flowers... but I assume I should send them so that the flowers are there before the viewing starts?
- our families weren't close; I probably hadn't seen her for ~15 years, and her husband and kids for even longer (~20-25 years). I'm at a loss of what to say.
- I've heard it's always better to go with a local florist than, say, FTD. if you can, please recommend a florist in Modesto, CA. I searched a bit online, but the reviews seem to be bogus/planted.
Thanks in advance.

What winter wear for suits ?

colophon — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 18:04:14 -0800

What do men wear to a winter funeral ? I will be attending my first winter funeral this Thursday as a pallbearer no less. The temperature is expected to be between -12 C to -23 C with a decent wind chill.
What sort of outerwear do you wear over a suit jacket that is both warm and won't make me look out of place ?

Social discomfort, family obligation

frosty_hut — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 10:29:06 -0800

Cousin Zach is a sweetheart, but I don't have the time or inclincation to attend everything he invites us to. How to say no tactfully? Guilt is involved. Last year I was contacted by my cousin Linda (can't remember the fake name I used before). I hadn't seen her in about twenty-five years. She had cancer, knew she was dying, and -- though I didn't realize it -- had been feeling guilty all that time about her previous failure to contact me. My mother and father had died when I was pretty young, and I guess Linda had been beating herself up for keeping away from me during that period. I mostly wasn't bothered. I vaguely wondered where she was on occasion, but it wasn't like her absence ever made a real difference to me. She had never been around, so I suppose I didn't know what I was missing.

It turned out there wasn't much time to get to know Linda. Her house was just jam-packed with people toward the end. But I snatched a few moments with her, and she sent me some emails. She was tired what with the chemo, and it's too bad we didn't have more time. She passed away a few months ago, and I hope she's at peace.

In the meantime, there's Linda's husband Zach. He's a great guy. But you can't just be with Zach. He's always with about a million and five people. My husband and I are both socially challenged, and all of these people were a bit intimidating the first time we went over there. It's like I have no family for twenty-five years, and suddenly I've got four hundred instant relatives.

But except for my Uncle Morris (Zach's father-in-law), the most adorable 87 year old on the planet and a person who sets me completely at ease, I'm not jumping up and down at the prospect of a long term association with Zach and Co. I'm bewildered and alienated by the waves and waves of people that keep frothing up around me whenever I get within a few feet of wherever Zach's standing. My husband and I bowed out of one of the holiday-time gatherings he invited us to, but we felt bad and asked him if he could meet us sometime for lunch. He said sure, but it didn't happen and I'll bet it never will.

I'm starting to get cranky about it. Apparently Zach is the only one who can initiate anything socially. He only wants to do things his way, with his people, at his house, etc. When my husband and I suggest something, it's a no-go for whatever reason. Zach doesn't want to be alone with us I feel. It's an intimacy-avoidance thing. Or that's my gut sense about it. It's like he's got to be shored up by a cast of thousands. He can't just sit and chat and look me in the eye. He simply can't do intimacy, and doesn't feel the need to try.

Which is fine, but it's just the opposite of how I am. I love chatting with just one person. It's the only way I feel I'm ever encountering the person in a real way. Groups of folks don't do it for me as a rule.

So we're just different. And it's okay. Except --

Zach keeps inviting my husband to events we don't want to attend, which necessitates our refusal, and I'm starting to feel like a gigantic jerk. I do think Zach's urgency about it has something to do with Linda having pressed him for a promise to make things right with me after her death. Don't have hard evidence--it's just a suspicion. And I can understand the sentiment.

But it's so one-way. Why does Zach assume his family is so great? I mean, I'm not a kid anymore. I'm forty-something already. I've got a little life in place here. I've been put-putting along without this branch of the family for twenty-five years, thanks, and I haven't been irreversibly damaged by their absence. I feel there's an arrogance in Zach's attitude, and it rubs me the wrong way.

But I don't want to hurt Uncle Morris' feelings. He's the last living relative I've got that I care about. He's lost two daughters over the past fourteen months. He's bearing up, and I want to support him utterly. But how do I frame this to him? I can't just say, "Zach weirds me out. We don't feel comfortable over there. I won't see you there anymore, but let's you and I keep doing lunch!"

Is there anything else I can say, that would save my relationship with Uncle Morris -- and Zach? And if I'm being a total asshole, let me know.

$11000 coffin of mahogany soaked in sea water for seven years? is this for real?

d. z. wang — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 20:03:16 -0800

How likely is it that a funeral home is dishonest? They're pushing a $11,000 mahogany coffin whose wood was apparently soaked in sea-water for seven years first. Google doesn't seem to think this is a standard carpentry practice, although I have found mention of briefer immersions in order to drown any parasites that might attack the wood during later storage and processing. My father whose mother recently died, has been visiting nearby funeral homes and shopping for a coffin. One place is pushing the aforementioned very heavy mahogany piece. My parents together can hardly lift the lid, and apparently that's a selling point. Another place claims mahogany is a very light wood, lighter than poplar. I've been unable to find any mention of the seven-years-in-sea-water business, and there are tables of various woods that put mahogany a couple hundred kg per cubic meter denser than poplar. Am I missing something here, or are we getting the wool pulled over our eyes?

And now that I am put in a suspicious frame of mind, it seems a bit fishy how we can't opt out of a limousine, or a memorial DVD, or various other things that they insist on bundling with the service. Is this just how things are done? We're willing to pay whatever we have to do get this done, but I'm offended by the idea that someone might try to cheat us at a time like this.

(Incidentally, we've visited three places and haven't yet been shown a coffin for less than $10,000.)

What is an appropriate Alice in Wonderland quote for a memorial?

namesarehard — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 17:08:04 -0800

Can anyone think of an Alice in Wonderland excerpt appropriate to the funeral of a dear friend? An old friend passed away after a long and difficult struggle. When we met, she introduced me to her favorite book, Alice in Wonderland, and it became a favorite for me, too. Her family asked that I say a few words at the memorial, and I would like to quote an excerpt from the book, perhaps about friendship... Does anyone have a more immediate familiarity than I do (it's been years) and have a suggestion? Friendship is not the only acceptable topic, but poignant is preferred (no Jabberwocky, please.)

Any other eulogy advice also welcome.

Thanks.

How should I dispose of my body?

Arasithil — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 03:56:33 -0800

What are the least wasteful and/or most productive (preferably legal) things that can be done with my body after I'm dead? Burial doesn't sound too great because it takes up a perfectly good chunk of land indefinitely. And even if ashes actually make good fertilizer, it doesn't seem like that would outweigh the energy involved in cremating a corpse.

The best post-mortem activity I can think of right now is donating to science (things like The Body Farm seem pretty neat), but I'm wondering what other interesting disposal methods there might be out there. I welcome all your suggestions!