Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with funeral

Should I go to my aunt's funeral?

jlibera — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 08:39:53 -0800

My beloved aunt was ill for a long time; I spent time with her over Christmas and said goodbye expecting not to see her again. She passed away the night before last in my home country in Europe, and her funeral will be in Monday. I am in my final year of grad school in Halifax, Canada. If I leave this afternoon/evening, I can be there by mid afternoon tomorrow, and I can just about afford the airfare (about $1500). I was thinking of staying until, say, Wednesday, to be with my parents and support them as best I can; but they told me yesterday that there would be no point in my coming. I'm torn. She was very close to my dad, who did most of the caring for her in her last days, and he does not have any close family there other than my mum. I spoke to my parents yesterday, and they told me that it was silly to come back just to look at a coffin, that my aunt had been happy to see me over Christmas and that it would not benefit her any more for me to come for a short tome now, especially given the travel time and jetlag involved; and that they would be better able to appreciate a visit some other time (given where I'm at in my PhD, which I have been struggling with recently, that may not be for some time). I miss them; I would like to be with them and comfort them now, and if I were sure that they were only telling me not to come because of the tiring travel arrangements, then I would go. At the same time, they have had to deal with all of the emotional and practical arrangements of dealing with my aunt's care over the past months, and now her funeral (I will not be able to return in time to help them with arrangements); if they are overwhelmed, I don't want my visit to be another source of stress that they have to deal with.

I haven't spoken to my supervisor about this yet, and there isn't really anyone here that I feel I can talk to about this, but putting my thoughts into words is helping a bit, and perhaps seeing different perspectives/hearing from others who've been in the same boat will also help. I'm a bit afraid that the wording of this will sway interpretations one way or the other, when the truth is that I've spent the past day swinging back and forth between absolute certainty that I should go anyway, and absolute certainly that I shouldn't.

Authorization for cremation?

KevinSkomsvold — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 21:22:35 -0800

Can signing an 'Authorization For Cremation' form somehow make me responsible for my deceased father's debt? My father died on March 19th. I was informed on Friday night by my step-sister who has been his caregiver for the last 10 years. Just so I do not sound like a cold-hearted bastard, here's a little background info. My father left us (me and my younger brother) when I was three. He never paid one cent of child support, never reached out to us in any way and basically flew under the radar for the last 47 years of my life. I did track him down back in 1982 and made a phone call. I might as well have been ordering a pizza with the amount of emotion he showed. I was put in touch with him again in 2008. I called him and basically got the same response. I had very low expectations and those were met. Needless to say, I could really give a shit less about him dying on a personal level. He died 47 years ago as far as I'm concerned. That said, I do feel for my step-sister who has done all she could to make his last years bearable by providing housing, food, transportation, nursing care and whatever else was needed. They paid for his cremation as well. When I spoke to her on the phone, she asked if I would be willing to sign off on the authorization form as I am the next of kin (OH REALLY NOW?). Being the swell guy I am, I told her to have the mortuary call me and fax the forms over so I could look at them. I have them on my desk now.

My fear? I sign the forms and suddenly, out of the wood-work, I get debt collectors all up in my shit for his debt. I understand this may sound irrational but I've read too many horror stories. Also, how would I, the son he stiffed for 47 years, suddenly be the point man for his cremation? He's had fuck-all to do with our lives and suddenly my signature is needed? I am torn as well because, as big of an asshole as he was, it doesn't feel right to me, to leave his ashes in limbo.

Am I making too big a deal out of this? I welcome any experiences or insight you may have. I'm certainly not seeking free legal advice. Thanks.

What I meant to say was "safe travels and have a nice evening." Really.

psoas — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 09:40:04 -0800

Does the term "homegoing" have a wide use across Christian denominations? The other day at work, a colleague was heading out and I absently said "Happy homegoing!" on his way past. He stopped, came back to me, and took a minute to explain that "as a Christian believer" that term has a specifically funereal meaning. (Another coworker nearby affirmed the same thing. From cursory Googling, I should also specify that one of them is white, one is black, from fairly different backgrounds, so it seems it's not ethnoculturally specific.) I was kind of taken aback, since I had an active Catholic upbringing--am pretty much agnostic now--and don't remember ever hearing that before. So is it a Protestant/evangelical term or did I just completely miss it while growing up?

Beautiful funeral home in Toronto?

pseudostrabismus — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 01:28:06 -0800

Suggest a beautiful funeral home, and a separate location for a later memorial service, in Toronto? I am helping a terminally ill friend's family plan a funeral, and later a memorial service.
Please suggest locations that are attractive, with an airy, beautiful atmosphere.
Natural wood, nice lighting, high ceilings, large windows, etc.... nature and light. Perhaps leaning towards a vintage aesthetic.
The family is non-religious, very artistic, and they love nature, so the vibe can be kind of bohemian and outdoorsy.
A lot of people will be in attendance- probably around 300.
Downtown Toronto, ideally not far from the Annex.

Please suggest Toronto funeral homes / memorial locations where you've felt comfortable?
Thanks.

I hate funerals

calcetina — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 10:50:15 -0800

My grandfather's sister-in-law died and her funeral is this weekend. My family wants me to drive my grandfather down to the funeral. I would rather stick pins under my fingers. But I know I need to do this. Help me suck it up. The great-aunt in question is my grandfather's sister-in-law (the wife of my late grandmother's brother). I have not seen that side of the family in almost a decade. My grandfather is in his early 80s, suffers from Alzheimer's and is unable to drive. I am the only person in my family who lives near him so I'm the only one who can drive him down to the funeral, which is an 8 hour drive.

I feel very uncomfortable around my grandfather. I always have. I just get this weird creepy vibe from him, maybe stemming from something in my childhood? I know that I should go to the funeral. I know he should be there to be with his late wife's family. I am dreading the drive. I am dreading spending 16 hours with him in a car and then going to a funeral to spend time with people I barely know. It's my duty, but it's shitty and I need to stop being a petulant spoiled brat and just do it. Do you have any suggestions about making this trip easier on the both of us?

A funeral with a crazy family estrangement scenario

Lulu's Pink Converse — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 18:44:18 -0800

How do I deal with my estranged brother at our grandmother's funeral? My paternal grandmother passed away today, after a long illness, at the age of 89. Her funeral is in a Midwest state on Friday. I will be traveling by air to attend the funeral, without my husband or children.

My husband let my brother, from whom I am estranged for many reasons, most of which boil down to "he's an abusive asshole and I'm done putting up with it", know about our grandmother's death. This was at my request, because my father was worried about making sure he knew but could not deal with handling it. Please note that my brother and our father are also estranged, again mostly because my brother is a self-centered asshole who cut our father off for reasons that make no sense to anyone, ever. Our father is not perfect, but he, to my knowledge, did nothing to deserve my brother's behavior.

My brother's response to my husband was rude, abusive, and completely typical for my brother. My brother had maintained a minimal relationship with our paternal grandparents and some of our many aunts and uncles. The impression that I am receiving from multiple sources is that my brother intends to attend the funeral (3+ hours driving distance from his home).

My question: how do I make sure that 1) my brother does not add to my father's grief over the death of his beloved mother; 2) I do not completely lose my shit on my brother; and 3) I have a plan for what to do if my brother DOES, in fact, add to my father's misery or makes a difficult situation even more horrific?

(I am in therapy. I will not be able to see my therapist before I go. My brother and I are 40-ish. My dad is in his mid-60s.My husband completely supports anything I choose to do. I have the financial means to do anything reasonable.)

Too sad for a witty title

everydayanewday — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 16:47:49 -0800

My grandad passed away today. My family have asked me to find a poem he might like, to read at his funeral. He was an engineer who would only read 'factual' things, such as instructional/educational books and later in life, a lot of biographies. He didn't go in for poetry at all that I know of. Would like to avoid 'Do not stand at my grave and cry'. Any reccommendations? I'm not sure when the funeral is yet but I am panicking and blanking on this. Thank you in advance for any guidance.

Tombstones: designing and purchasing a (Late 19th Century) period-appropriate cemetery monument.

jjjjjjjijjjjjjj — Tue, 13 Nov 2012 10:30:32 -0800

Tombstone symbology and purchase: I'm tasked with designing, purchasing, and securing the installation of headstones for two men (a murderer and his victim) who died in the late 19th-century. What online resources exist that speak to the design and purchasing process and/or could help clarify period-appropriate symbology and appearance? It's been my good fortune to have never had to buy a tombstone. Researching the process has proven vexing. Please help walk me through it.

I've secured permission from the two cemeteries, and located the (unmarked) graves. Both cemeteries gave recommendations for several monument companies.

I'm handy with many 2D/3D design programs and could deliver project files to the monument companies in almost any format imaginable. (I'm assuming that they use some sort of CNC machine, yes?)

Before I approach the stonecutters, I have two families of question I'd like to research:

Where can I find resources on period-appropriate (1890s) tombstone conventions, including: symbology, design, construction, layout, typeface, etc.

What are the considerations/costs of purchasing a tombstone, and what are the manufacturing processes like? What are the pros/cons of the various materials used and associated costs?

I'd like to keep costs down as much as possible, but get something nice put up; I'll be very thankful for any and all insight you might provide.

Arabic translation help

Baby_Balrog — Fri, 02 Nov 2012 10:03:07 -0800

Arabic translation help. In 2008 I had the honor of attending the state funeral of Mahmoud Darwish. I have a poster from the event but have never translated the Arabic. I'm almost certain the big, red letters are his name written formally, but I'm interested in what the rest says. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the poor quality photos, my phone camera is sort of garbage.

"I wouldn't miss it" won't work either...

miaou — Wed, 24 Oct 2012 11:53:36 -0800

Introvert needs help with social niceties at a funeral. My elderly uncle died and I have to go to the viewing tomorrow. Based on past experience it will be awkward because I don't see my cousins much and don't feel comfortable around that side of my family, plus I'm not good in social situations in general and never feel like I'm saying the right thing. I know several people will say to me "Thank you for coming" -- what is the ideal response to this? In the past I have almost defaulted to "My pleasure" (!) before I caught myself. "You're welcome" doesn't seem right, I am drawing a blank on this, please help?

The woods are lovely, dark and deep

pseudostrabismus — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 18:20:24 -0800

In Ontario, can a person be buried in a natural way, so that the body returns to the earth? My friend's husband is terminally ill; he will likely die at home this month.
He loves nature (specifically camping, hunting, and canoeing in the woods of Ontario).
He would like to be buried in a natural way that allows his body to return to the earth.
He lives in Toronto, but anywhere in/near Ontario would be fine.

What kinds of options are available?
What procedures should my friend put in motion now, and immediately after his death?
I can't believe this is happening; it's not fair.
Thanks.

Please help me find a comforting science based eulogy

msali — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 07:49:21 -0800

I can't remember where I read it - can someone help me find a eulogy from a scientist? Whatever I read, it was something hypothetical, like "What a physicist would say at a funeral" or "What an organic chemistry scientist would say at a funeral". It was something about how mass and energy came from somewhere and would return back into the system. Entropy/enthalpy type stuff, I think. But it wasn't something obvious, like Neal Degrasse Tyson or Carl Sagan or Einstein. It was more of a short speech to comfort loved ones, a eulogy of sorts. Does this ring any bells?
Thanks

intervew + funeral

House of Leaves of Grass — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 15:09:06 -0800

How to handle interview + time off for funeral? I have an internal interview scheduled on Wednesday for a job I'd really like to get. One of the interviewers is my current direct supervisor. I'm prepped for the interview, my suit is pressed, I'm ready to nail it.

My grandfather died this afternoon, and in order to take time off for the wake later this week I'll need to clear it with my supervisor. This leaves me in kind of a quandry. Do I:

a) Put in for the time off tomorrow morning, running the risk of the interview being skewed in her eyes because of my grief?
or
b) Put in for the time off after the interview, running the risk of inconveniencing her with a shorter lead time and irritating her with non-disclosure of this event?

How to handle estranged father's funeral?

Ephelump Jockey — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 18:35:57 -0800

My estranged father passed away last Sunday. I've decided to attend the funeral. Please help me conduct myself with something resembling grace. Overly complex snowflakey stuff inside. My father left our family when I was three days old. He was an alcoholic, abusive, and manipulative. He had little sense of empathy for others and even less accountability to anyone. Last summer, he found me on facebook in a bid to establish contact. I went ahead and played along because regardless of the immense hatred I have for the man, I needed my curiosity sated. I figured the worst thing that could happen is that I'd find out he was the piece of shit I'd always assumed him to be. Short answer, I was right. He spent two hours blaming others (my mother, my grandmother, so on and so forth) and then after the fact he had the audacity to tell me he loved me. I'd never spoken to him in my life and the emotional tone-deafness of that move is still mindboggling to me. The one benefit I can say I got from speaking with him was the chance to get in contact with a couple of half brothers I have. One is a huge mess (like multiple psych ward admitions) and the other is successful but has made a point of distancing himself from the whole family.
My father passed away on Sunday. One of my aunts on his side contacted me to let me know. I've never spoken to her or anyone else on his side. She was very kind about the whole thing and cognizant of the fact that I might not want to go. I spent a few hours thinking it over and decided I would. After all, I may not get an opportunity to meet all of these family members again. I would also like to gain some perspective on my father from points of view that have biases unrelated to mine or my family's.
I fly out tomorrow and I am positively in shambles. I'm finding myself grieving for someone that I have spent my whole life hating or otherwise tucking away in a dark corner of my thoughts. I'm at a total loss how to comport myself with his side of the family. I don't know how to be there and not say terrible, hurtful things about him. I don't even have a suit for crying out loud. I am set on going. I think it's the right thing to do. But how do I deal with the family? How do I compose myself and act like a respectful human being around them? I don't want to offend them. This is the first truly significant death in my adult life and it's thrown me for a major loop. What can I do to make this go just a little easier? I know this is all very vague and I'm sorry for that. I just need to know how to not turn this into a trainwreck.

Please help me get a flight quickly & cheaply!

kbar1 — Thu, 28 Jun 2012 20:42:48 -0800

Please help me get a flight quickly & cheaply! This may have been answered in a previous question - if so, please point me in the right direction, but I need input quickly. Saturday I need to travel with my 80+ year old father from Phx to the NYC area (Newark or LaGuardia) on a direct flight. We'll be attending a funeral, with services beginning on Sunday. We can be a little flexible on the return date (as long as it's a direct flight), but I can't stay for more than a week. I'm guessing Priceline is not an option because of our limited travel dates and the need for a direct flight. In a quick search of round trip airfare it looks like this will cost a minimum of $700 each and possibly as much as double that amount.

So my question is:
What's the cheapest way to make airline reservations given our limited flexibility?

Are there other solutions I should be considering? I searched for bereavement fares but the info was mixed, and the requirements for written confirmation from the doctor could be awkward to fulfill.

I'm focusing on a direct flight because changing planes or having extended stopovers will really stress out my already distressed Pop. I need this trip to be as easy as possible without breaking the bank.

Hawaiian music for my grandfather's funeral?

curious zoe — Wed, 06 Jun 2012 12:15:30 -0800

My grandfather is 91 and we're helping him plan his funeral. At it, he wants Hawaiian music played. Apparently it's the music he used to hear at dances (in New Zealand) when he met my grandmother in the late 30s/early 1940s. According to the BBC, there was a fad for Hawaiian music in wartime Britain, especially a band called Felix Mendelssohn and his Hawaiian Serenaders, but I can't find much by them. Any ideas? I guess it would be a slow dance kind of song. I've played him Iz, but he says it's not quite right. He admits he’s not at all musical so perhaps he got the Hawaiian bit wrong but I doubt it. I don't think ukuleles are his bag either.

Bonus points if you can find clips of it, because I'm in London and he's in New Zealand, so I have to send my mother links to play to him to see if that is it.

Any suggestions much appreciated -I'd really like to be able to do this for him. Thanks :)

Help me understand what to expect for an upcoming funeral.

ForeverDcember — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 17:37:06 -0800

Help me understand what to expect for an upcoming funeral. A very good and close friend of my husband and I's was killed in a military training exercise two weeks ago. The funeral is next week. The funeral was postponed because they had not been able to find any remains at first. My husband will be a pallbearer during this funeral. I do not want to ask our friends wife (now widow) because I do not want to upset her and I have no one else to ask. I need to know what to expect during the visitation and the funeral. From the photos I saw of the crash site, there was nothing left. There will be a casket. I am assuming there will definitely not be an open casket due to the circumstances. I know that caskets are fairly heavy, but should my husband prepare for a shock that it may not be due to the lack of remains (again, I am assuming this). Is there proper etiquette we should know for a military service (Marine Corps)? I would like to know if there is something that we may need to prepare for that would be a shock, as if the whole thing isn't already.

Name that Latin/Italian/Greek/English poem! About death!

BusyBusyBusy — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 23:36:46 -0800

Name that Latin, Greek, or Italian poem... Can you identify this poem from my senile grandfather's sparse details? I had a long told with my charming, Italian-immigrant, unfortunately senile grandfather yesterday. He mentioned a poem he loves, which is very sweet and sad, about a father standing before the grave (or tomb or urn) of his son.

(Note: I specifically asked if it was Keats' Ode to Grecian Urn, and it is not.)

I would love to know what this poem is so I can read it, and maybe read it to him in the hospital.

The catch is that my grandfather is a non-native English speaker who is very well versed in Italian, Greek, Roman, and Latin poetry. He speaks Italian, English, and some latin. He switches between them in conversation, and this is happening more and more as he ages. So the poem could plausibly be in any of these languages. Because he loses his train of thought quickly, he wasn't able to give me any more details.

Any suggestions fromt the hive mind are very, very apprecaited! Thank you!

Dysfunctional family funeral

b33j — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 13:22:26 -0800

Non-deist, non- spiritual funeral for dysfunctional family My mother was discovered dead yesterday. She had lung cancer and heart problems, so not unexpected.

Me and my two local sibs are meeting with funeral director today, here's the thing (s).
None of the family are church goers
My mother refused to speak to me over last decade though I tried reconciliation a number of times
Some other sibs in other parts of country who may or may not be coming to funeral - well, they get on with my brothers but not me so much
Despite the distance & as one brother puts it, her toxicity, I am grieving

So 2 questions: what are appropriate (non religious) honest but not insensitive funeral things to make part of ceremony?
What do I need to be doing to make things as comfortable as possible for those relatives who will not be happy with me being there (perhaps hypocritically in their eyes)

Wake or funeral?

Sissinghurst — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 17:51:08 -0800

Do you go to the wake or the funeral? Where I come from (Northeast/Mid-Atlantic US), family and close friends go to the funeral but the wake is the wider venue where acquaintances and co-workers of the family attend to offer their respects. My spouse comes from a community in the Midwest and she says that there, the opposite holds true. What do you think is appropriate when information about both are given in the "arrangements?" One, the other, or some specific alternative like the funeral but not the interment? Perhaps it depends on whether one shares the religious affiliation of the decedent's family? I am not a believer but prefer to err on the side of respect/etiquette.

Bringing a baby to a wake?

kosmonaut — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 16:23:56 -0800

Is it appropriate to bring my 3-month old to a wake? The father of my childhood best friend passed away (age 59, cancer) and the wake/calling is tomorrow. I was very close to the family for my entire childhood (though we haven't been as close for about 5-10 years, but we still keep in contact).

I am considering bringing my wife (and therefore 3-month-old child) along. I think they would be glad that we all made it out there (it's about 2.5 hours away), and I think it could bring them a few smiles to meet my son, but I don't want to be inconsiderate to them. If the situation were reversed, I think I would welcome my friend's child at such an event, but I don't really know as I don't have personal experience with it.

Our child is generally very well-behaved — doesn't cry very often or for long periods of time — although if he started to fuss then one of us would rush him out of the room.

(Other possibly relevant facts: this is in the northeast US, a not particularly religious christian family, we have no nearby family to leave our baby with, the baby will be fine with the travel, and my wife does know the family reasonably well.)

Is this a good idea or would it be better if I went solo?

What are Czech state funerals like?

alby — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 10:13:03 -0800

My girlfriend and I are spending Christmas in Prague, and on Friday there will be a state funeral for Václav Havel. Does everything shut down for a state funeral? Are there certain types of business that don't/won't open? Should we make, or avoid making specific plans for that day? Will we even really notice a difference?

What movies talk about recording life events?

jacobw — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 08:17:39 -0800

Help me identify movies that feature the recording of one's life events. I am looking to develop a strategy for a website or an app like Path, and I would like to include references to movies. I actually have one movie in mind that likely came out in the 90s (based on my age and memory.) From my recollection, it had a funeral scene where a video of a series of events (perhaps an entire life?) was implied to have played. Even if you can't identify that movie, please contribute!

My partner killed himself yesterday, i am still in shock and haven't told people. I don't know how to deal with this and need help

servix — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 11:38:16 -0800

My partner killed himself yesterday, i am still in shock and haven't told people. I don't know how to deal with this and need help I found out last night my SO committed suicide, he also left me a very emotional note

i have been non-stop crying and i just...dont know what todo my mind is just feels like mush and i cant think of ANYTHING.

i dont really know if i can handle talking to a counseller or a parent or friend yet

are there any books or anything out there i can read that will help me sort this out

thanks

A funeral suit in NY

derMax — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 13:08:58 -0800

I have to fly out to Long Island, NY (Nassau Country) for a funeral. I don't have an appropriately somber suit or the time to get one before I leave, and I am what you call "big" (135 kg) but not that tall (175cm). Where can I get a suit on short notice, that is not too expensive (max. $500)? I would prefer not to have to go into the city, but will if that's my only option.