Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with frustration

What strategies can I use to successfully do a job I don't like?

lastwomanstanding — Tue, 21 May 2013 17:52:09 -0800

I need help constructing mental snowshoes that will prevent me from falling into deep drifts of work BS and frustration at a job I can't leave. I have spent more than a decade working in a field I finally realized I don't like. I have identified a new career and am now beginning the long process of taking prereqs so I can go back to school (it's health care so a degree is a must) and embark on this new career. I'm already taking a class and am very excited about this career plan.

The problem is: how to deal with a job I hate in the meantime? I need to work fulltime for at least another year while finishing the prereqs at night. I have a family and my spouse is only employed part time, with no immediate full time prospects (he works in a relatively low paying field.)

My current job is well paid, stable and the people are friendly. The work itself fills me with dread each day, however, and I think this unhappiness spills over into me being frustrated with the normal dysfunctions of organizational life. I am trying to change my role so it requires less dread-inducing work, but still, my heart is not in it.

So how can I survive day to day without either feeling miserable myself or taking out that misery on those around me?

For the love of god, help me root my (not-so) Incredible

csox — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 18:29:19 -0800

I'm failing miserable at rooting my Incredible. I'm very, very new to the whole rooting concept, but the low storage space detailed here is unacceptable, and I can't afford a bigger SD card or new phone. Help? I'm trying to follow the instructions given here, but can't seem to get past the first step of getting my command prompt to "c:\miniadb_inc>" When I follow the instructions exactly as given, all I get is "Invalid Directory." I'm stuck, and no one in my house/time zone seems to be able to help. Can you?? Alternatively, do you have a different "fool proof" way to root?

Teaching kids to deal with frustration

drezdn — Fri, 28 Dec 2012 09:19:36 -0800

How did you teach your toddler/pre-schooler to best deal with frustration?

Apple, I like you but you're pissing me off.

Jess the Mess — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 13:48:41 -0800

How do I get iTunes to give me a different random selection of music from my library every time I sync my iPhone. It seems like this shouldn't be this hard...

I have a dinky 2GB iPhone and a lot of music in my library. I like to change up what's on my phone frequently, say once per week. But it seems like every time I sync my phone it gives me the same damn albums and songs over and over again, even though I do not have these items checked.

Walk me through it like I'm an idiot. What arcane combination of boxes do I need to check to get an automatic random selection of music on my phone.

I'm using the newest version of iTunes but I had been having this problem with older versions as well.

Help me eat in peace with others

YukoInNature — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 18:57:22 -0800

I hate to talk while I eat. How can I better enjoy food with other people around who like to talk to me? I prefer not to talk when I eat. I like to chew my food and savor it, peacefully and quietly. I find it very disturbing and frustrating when people talk to me when I eat. I cannot enjoy food very much, and I cannot engage fully in conversations with others either. I can rarely finish my food when I try to listen and respond to people while I eat, although they finish theirs way earlier than I do. It upsets me even to see people not chewing their food while busily talking.

I haven't met people like me. Most people seem to socialize over food. Some people get uncomfortable from not talking at dinner table. It's very sad for me to feel upset and alone every time I share food with someone.

Questions:
How can I better enjoy my food with other people around trying to talk to me?
How can I prevent others from getting uncomfortable when I don't participate in conversation?
Any general tips or advice anyone has for me?

Thanks so much for your help.

College senior still trying to figure out what I should work towards.

Seeking Direction — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 15:24:05 -0800

Still feeling like a failure, despite all the help I get - what am I missing? I'm a senior (fourth year) in college, 21, and male. I've posted here before about my academic frustrations, and I don't mean to sound helpless, but I can't shake these feelings of failure.

So I'm in my last year, completing my bachelor's degree at a "well-reknowned" school - should be feeling excited, right? Hardly.

I've had several health problems (perhaps thyroid related - still working on getting in touch with the right doctors). I have a learning need (recently diagnosed), which is receiving attention just fine, actually.

Since I had absolutely NO clue what I wanted to study, I decided to take the "default" path others had encouraged me to do - pre-med and a biology major. Problem is, I HATE studying biology. Hate it, hate it, and did I forget - hate it!

I should clarify - I don't actually hate the subject matter, instead being more or less apathetic about it, but the "mindless zombie memorization" instead of a concept/application-based approach has really posed a problem to me. Granted, not every single class is like this, but many were.

I seem to have a personality clash with fellow "pre-meds" in my bio classes.

Oh yeah, and I've come close to serious injury in labs. Not for me!

My school doesn't have a true advising system, either - so again, NO guidance whatsoever!

(Note: I'm not going to name the school, since its fanboys/fangirls - of which there are plenty - are going to spew vitriol.)

Now, I'm actually quite interested in psychology and environmental studies. So, essentially, I'd like to switch fields, but HOW? My GPA still isn't too hot.

Yes, I'm seeing a therapist and meeting with people specializing in my learning need, but there's only so much they can do.

All I really know about myself is that my Myers-Briggs personality type is INTP. (If Myers-Briggs is to be believed at all, of course.) Of course, everything I read about this type points to "procrastination" and "absent-minded" tendencies, and there seem to be relatively few INTP's with notable achievements. (No offense to anyone.)

I'm supposed to be good at "intellectual" stuff - but "intellectualism" is a crock of baloney, in my opinion. What the h-e-double hockey sticks is it supposed to achieve, anyway?

So, in summary, rocky past academically, don't like my current concentration, only a loose idea (environmental studies, psychology) of what I want to do with myself.

Yes, I want to further my education - but if the pre-meds are going to be the same people as in medical schools (and co-workers if I become a doctor) - I don't want too much to do with them.

It feels like everyone else - even if they have the most humble job in the world - has a stronger sense of direction and just "knowing" what they want.

Where do I begin? I know I belong somewhere academically and career-wise?

Generally cranky - help fix?

kat518 — Wed, 24 Oct 2012 21:34:46 -0800

I've feel angry and frustrated for no reason and I don't know what to do about it. I'm worried that I'm taking it out on my husband. Help? For a few weeks now, I've felt just generally angry and frustrated. I can't really put my finger on why I feel this way. I'm concerned that I'm not being a good partner to my husband as a result.

There are a few life changes that we have made that were relatively big but I should have absorbed them and moved on by now. About a year ago, we moved from a crappy apartment where we had lived for six years to a nicer place. Two years ago, I quit a job where I was underappreciated and underpaid for a better gig. In January, my husband quit his job to start a company and it's going well.

But of course, it's not that simple. I loved my old neighborhood and could walk to work. Now I have to take the bus - and it's fine, but it's different. Similarly, the new job is great - but I don't have the same comfort level and relationships with people that I did at my last job and a lot more is expected of me. And my husband's company is going well but with a start-up, in some ways, it never feels like things are moving quickly enough.

At the same time, my sister is pregnant which I'm excited about. My sister-in-law is getting married and I'm happy for her. But I'm going to need to take time off for both of these things. I used to take time off to do cool stuff that made me proud. I volunteered to build with Habitat in other countries and served as an international election observer. But my new job means fewer vacation days to do cool stuff so I have to make choices. I could conceivably take unpaid leave but people at my job don't see to do that kind of thing.

I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to. I don't mean that in a depressing sense and I'm certainly looking forward to seeing family for the holidays and my sister's babies and such but I feel like I don't have my own thing I'm looking forward to. I kind of just want to be left alone. Since I'm not crazy about my current job, I thought of looking into new ones but it's only been two years and we're about to start working on a big thing that will take me through February and I would feel like a jerk leaving in the middle of it.

I feel like I used to do cool things - travel on my own, volunteer doing cool stuff, run marathons - but it's all in the past. I'm too tired when I get home from work to do anything besides drag myself to yoga a few times a week and occasionally try to call my family.

I think all of this has made me grouchy around my husband. I feel really badly about it because I know I should be nicer to him but I'm just tired. I mentioned to the psychologist I'm seeing (I've had depression and anxiety for years) that I feel generally frustrated and angry and she didn't have anything to say. I'm tired a lot. I've done sleep tests and for whatever reason, I don't get restful sleep so I take Nuvigil which is awesome but I still feel frustrated.

I get frustrated when my husband asks what I want to do for dinner. I feel like I always figure out what to do for dinner. I get annoyed at him when he starts saying he wants to go to bed early and then sits on the couch for another hour and a half. I feel snappy when I'm cleaning up around the apartment and he's just watching TV. But sometimes it's not even stuff like that. He'll say something innocuous and I'll just want to reply something mean for no reason. I feel like a monster. I don't want to be this person. Sometimes I will notice that it's tied to my menstrual cycle and then I'll feel a little better. But usually it's not even that.

TL; DR - I'm generally frustrated, angry, depressed and tired for no particular reason and I'm worried that I'm taking it out on my husband and I don't know what to do. Help?

How to make friends?

MeaninglessMisfortune — Sun, 09 Sep 2012 19:20:58 -0800

Angry and lost. I don't know where to find people to connect to. What can I do? I've been feeling really frustrated about my situation. Lack of friends have seriously been affecting my life.

I'm 26 and I'm without a single friend. I've turned to craigslist personals, okcupid and internet sites to find someone to talk to or hang out. But I get completely ignored (which is odd because i'm just honestly looking for a friend). I'm not acting desperate either.

I find it really frustrating to go to interesting events or shows by myself. I do not know how to strike up a conversation with anyone. It feels like everyone has someone to talk to but me. I want to converse with another human being but it's so ridiculous that I can't find that anywhere. I recently met up with people who were looking for someone to play music with, and we met up a couple of times - they were nice people - and of a sudden they stop talking to me.

I understand keeping active, being positive but I'm really starting to lose it. I can't even work up the motivation to continue my art or music. I want to go out and experience actual meaningful conversations with people that don't end with awkward results and not hearing from them again. I feel like life is passing me by.

Why are people afraid to talk to me? Am I saying or doing something that's not right?

I'm sorry if I'm vague, but I'll provide any details if needed.

Get me off of Facebook

Punctual — Wed, 08 Aug 2012 04:21:58 -0800

Will someone please explain to me, assuming I am a stupid 5-year old child, how to get off Facebook. "Settings" is useless. Maybe there is a trick I don't know? Thank you.

How to get multilingual speakers to stick to a language I understand?

lollusc — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 22:20:14 -0800

How can I set up interviews with multilingual speakers and colleagues so that the default language they use is most likely to be English? Is there anything I can say or do to make this happen? Alternatively, how do I deal with the frustration of not understanding what is going on, when everyone is speaking a language I don't speak? I am doing some linguistic fieldwork in East Timor together with a colleague. The colleague and I are native Engish speakers. My colleague also speaks fluent Indonesian. I speak a little Tetun.

The speaker we are working with, besides his native language, is most comfortable in Indonesian and Tetun. He speaks good English, but is slightly less comfortable with it - he sometimes forgets a word, and speaks a little more hesitantly, but his English grammar and pronunciation are great.

We had the first session this morning, and I found it very frustrating because my colleague keeps speaking in Indonesian, which means the speaker also switches to Indonesian, and they have long conversations which I can't follow at all. This means I either have to ask my colleague to explain everything to me again, which slows us down a lot, and she seems to get annoyed, or I miss out on a lot of the information that we are collecting.

I can't rely on her to explain things later, as I discovered last week when we worked with a different speaker who only speaks Indonesian (and his native language). I still have no idea what went on in any of those sessions, because my colleague didn't like me interrupting with questions, and she was too tired at the end of the sessions to give me a run-down on what just happened. Now we have a week's worth of recordings that I won't be able to work with at all, because I have no English translations, and there is too much for her to face translating it now, whereas it would have been do-able if we had done it as we went along. Anyway, I really want to avoid the same thing happening here.

I tried a few different things this morning: I tried explicitly saying, "Hey, can we switch back to English?" And she would say, "He's more comfortable in Indonesian" and he'd say "English is okay", and then they'd continue to speak Indonesian. I tried taking the lead by asking him questions in English, which he answered in English, but obviously I can't STOP my colleague from asking her own questions in Indonesian, and then I never know if I am duplicating things she already just asked.

I also offered to try doing the whole thing in Tetun, if the student really wasn't comfortable with English. But that is not great for my colleague, whose Tetun is more minimal than mine, and also she says (and is right) that it would slow us down too much and we would miss a lot of the nuances of what he is saying.

We will be working with this speaker for three weeks, and also with a couple of others who we haven't met yet, but who also speak Indonesian, Tetun and English, and I worry that if we set a precedent of mainly using Indonesian now, it will be too unnatural to change later.

How can I convince my colleague to use English? Alternatively, what else can I do/say in the sessions to make English the default language? She agrees with me in principle that we should use English for my sake, but then keeps switching back to Indonesian. I suspect it might be partly something she doesn't notice she does, because she sometimes turns to me in the middle of these conversations and says something in Indonesian to ME, and doesn't realise she is doing it. (And when I ask her what she is saying, she often just repeats the Indonesian).

If you don't think there's anything more I can do to control the language used in these sessions, what can I do/tell myself to control my own feelings about it? (Which are a mixture of frustration at my colleague, frustration at myself for not learning Indonesian, anger at my colleague for not listening to my requests, and shame/anger at myself for doing something that I don't like when other people do it: coming to a foreign country and then insisting everyone accommodate them by speaking English)?

Finally, yes, I realise I probably should have learned Indonesian for this trip, but I asked my colleague, who has been here before, if I should, and she said no, Tetun would be more useful.

Potty Training: Part 2

Autumn — Wed, 20 Jun 2012 07:31:06 -0800

I've posted previously about potty training my dogs. I picked up a book, "How to Housebreak Your Dog In 7 Days," which was quite helpful except one thing: our work schedules aren't compatible with a regular schedule. The book recommends sticking to a schedule no matter what, and has evening/morning schedules for people who work all day. The problem is my partner and I might work mornings one day, nights the next, we might both work in the morning one day, etc. The book recommends not deviating from the schedule such as taking them out in the morning when you're working and then taking them out all throughout the day when you're home.

But our schedules vary so much that it's impossible to do that. Are there any other books, etc that will help with housebreaking a different way? I really want the dogs to have the run of the house, it breaks my heart taking them out on a schedule for 15 minute intervals because they might soil the house. I've tried diapers and wraps and they tear them off. I put no chew on the diapers, but my dogs are so small (Mini Dachshund, runt Papillion and Chihuahua) that the diapers just slide right off.

I don't like having to put them back in the cage until they use the bathroom outside. I feel that I'm not spending enough time with them outside of taking them outside, but if I leave them out in the hosue for too long they almost always have accidents.

Please help!

I need a job that will a) allow me to pursue my interests and b) not make me miserable

Anonymous — Sun, 17 Jun 2012 19:54:35 -0800

Given my present situation, how do I find a day job that allows me to pursue my interests? If you've ever found yourself in a similar situation, how did you change things for the better? Exciting personal details inside! Some background: I'm in my mid-twenties. I have a solid but not spectacular B.A. in history from a good university where I was an assistant editor for an under-read student literary magazine. The first few years after graduation were rocky ones, as I was completely directionless and gypsied from city to city taking a variety of low-paying, menial clerical/customer-service related office jobs, as well as some other odd jobs. Happily I've never been fired/laid off. However, the fact that I jumped from thing to thing (staying a year at most), as well as the fact that there was one very large several-month-long gap of unemployment, doesn't look great to potential employers. My lack of hard skills hasn't really helped, either.

I don't mind admitting that during this time my mental health was often quite shaky. I was deeply, deeply unhappy with every aspect of my life.

It's clear to me that the root of my problems was my lack of direction.
In one very important sense, all of this changed. I experienced a surge of ambition. I realized that if I had to make a concerted effort to write and illustrate my own work and attempt to make a career of it. I suppose graphic novels are the sort of thing I'm going for. People have been saying this since I was a kid. A few people at work say this based purely on the emails I write! And in the past several months I've made that concerted effort.

Until recently. I haven't written or drawn a damn thing in the past three weeks because my job is sapping my energy and making me miserable. Not the kind of all-encompassing miserable I mentioned above, but the kind of circumstantial "I specifically hate this" kind of miserable that many people have in regards to their job.

I've been there for the past several months. It's yet another dull, menial, pointless, poorly-paid, dead-end clerical/customer-service office job having to do with a business I have no interest in which is at turns mind-numbingly repetitive or ridiculously stressful. I don't hate anyone who works there, and I don't think anyone hates me, but aside from three or four people, I don't have anything in common with my co-workers. I think I have a bit of a reputation as the "weird one" at work. I'm desperately craving some life of the mind. I ain't getting it, and I'm starting to dread going to work.

So the point I'm labouring towards is this: I need to find a job that I either like or at least find tolerable, and it has to be the sort of thing that allows me the spare time to pursue my interests without impinging on them. I actually suck at the sort of job I've had for the past few years, and something in a different vein would be much appreciated. I wish I could be more specific than that, but if I could, I wouldn't have asked this question.

I haven't been taking art/writing seriously for very long, so I don't know if I could get work based only on that...

I live in a major North American urban centre, if that makes any difference.

I've set up this throwaway account if you'd like to contact/ask me something: superfrustratedofficeguy@gmail.com

Can't thank you enough for wading through my question!

How do I stop worrying about stuff?

mrunderhill — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 10:55:21 -0800

I'm very worried. Worried we won't find an apartment, worried money will run out, worried my injury will never heal, etc. How do I stop it? I used to be able to blow off steam by working out or running, but I've been suffering from sciatica for the last few months and can't do that at the moment.

I'm more and more frustrated and it's having an effect on my relationships.

Are there any books, poems or articles that could help me put things in to perspective? Any personal anecdotes?

I just want to be happy and focus on my work and the people I love, but I can't get my mind off of all these annoying issues.

Thanks!

bad friend + mefi = better friend?

prefpara — Tue, 08 May 2012 14:40:32 -0800

How do you manage feelings of frustration when someone in your life is behaving in a self-destructive way? This can come up in a professional context (e.g. I may, in future cases, represent a victim of abuse who returns to the abuser or maintains contact with the abuser despite this being against their best interests). I am asking, however, because it has come up for me in a personal context. Someone who is a friend and with whom I would like to maintain a close and lasting relationship is behaving in a way that is fairly self-destructive. I've tried being a sympathetic listener and I've tried giving concrete advice, but there has been no change in this person's consistent behavior. That is, my friend consistently makes choices that result in their feeling miserable. In addition, I believe these choices are likely to have negative career repercussions.

My problem is that I have become incredibly impatient with this person because I see them making the same mistake over and over again and then feeling terrible as a result. I find myself judging my friend very harshly, and I really don't like having these cruel thoughts in my head.

I am worried that this is already impacting our friendship, because as soon as I sense that my friend is feeling terrible I react by wanting to wall myself off from it (especially at times when I myself am stressed). This is not the kind of friend I want to be. I also like to think I understand that people are flawed and accept them as they are, except that's clearly not happening in this case.

How do I get over my frustration with my friend for not making a change, not taking my advice, and constantly inflicting their misery on me? I realize that sounds selfish. I am trying to be honest about my feelings. I suspect ego is part of the problem (since obviously my advice is perfect and would solve all problems so why not take it).

My goal is to be able to interact with my friend without being overwhelmed by irritation and judgmental thoughts.

Thanks in advance for your help and advice.

Why am I getting thinner but the scale says I weigh the same?

biochemist — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 06:20:49 -0800

I'm dieting and not exercising. Why am I getting thinner but not losing weight? I've been doing the "eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full" diet. I also don't eat after 7pm each night to prevent stomach aches in the morning. I haven't incorporated exercise because it's not something I stick to, and I want a diet to shed the pounds by living basically the same lifestyle but cutting the calories. I've been eating healthier, cut out the sweets fast food etc.

It seems to be working - I'm fitting into clothes I haven't fit into in awhile. But the scale says I've lost less than a pound and it's been two weeks. How can this be? Google says it's muscle, but how can I be gaining muscle if I'm not exercising? I'm trying to understand because I'm starting to feel like maybe the fitting into older clothes was a lie - what if I could fit into them for awhile through some natural weight loss but just hadn't tried them on in awhile? I need to know if I need to be doing something different to reach my weight loss goals or if I'm A-OK. I don't look any thinner but I don't expect to yet.

I want my lunches back!!

Anonymous — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 09:49:56 -0800

Months ago, I was asked to do something outside of the scope of my job (over my lunch hour to boot). I don't want to do it anymore. What are my options? When I started this job, I was asked to sit out at the reception desk during two hour-long lunches a week. I don't have a laptop and my job requires specialized software, so I can't work there. I bring a book and read, but it seems to me that answering phones, taking packages, and dealing with strangers does not a lunch hour make. I didn't want to do it, but I agreed since I liked the job and I wanted to seem like a team player.

Originally I was told that all new people were asked to do this and that as newer hires joined the company I would stop. As I started, someone else stopped, so this seemed true. But the next two hires were into high-level positions, and now it seems like I'm stuck.

On top of that, I recently learned that another entry-level hire (slightly before my time) was not asked to do it!

No one told me when I interviewed that I'd be a lunchtime receptionist. I'm terribly socially awkward, bad at the phone, and awful at remembering things like extensions, names, etc. If I was interviewing for a receptionist position I would not get it.

I find this whole thing demeaning (not because I think it's beneath me, but because I'm bad at it and it looks really bad on me. I go from seeming competent and skilled to seeming, frankly, ditzy and stupid) and frustrating. I was originally planning to just grin and bear it (I like this job and, other than this, my supervisor is fantastic). But after learning that that other entry level person didn't have to do it I've become really upset about it. I even found myself making snippy passive-aggressive comments about it to coworkers the other day (which: bad bad no good idea). So:

Do I talk to my supervisor before getting called out for being snotty about it? Do I just try to retain my composure and not talk about it?

If I do talk to him, how? I have a solution that I think would work. Do I present it?

If I don't talk to him, how can I chill out about this? I don't really WANT to get better at it because it's not within the scope of my job and I have no desire to waste brain space on it, but at the same time it's really embarrassing that a grown-ass women should have to run around the office begging for help when someone new calls (also -- I just remembered that I forgot to pass on a message from last time I did this thing! Dammit! How can I screw up so bad?).

Skype hacks?

segfault — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 20:49:25 -0800

How can I have the best video chat experience? The SO and I try to pretend like we're not long distance by having date night via Skype. Ideally we'd like to play some online games together, stream Netflix, etc, but it would be nice just to chat without the call dropping. We've tried Skype (best results), Gchat, Oovoo, and even Google+ hangouts, but it's become really frustrating to deal with frequent lag and dropped calls. We are both PC users in the United States, both with limited control over our ISP, and both with roommates. My questions are as follows:

1) How can we troubleshoot our internet connection? I might be able to switch/upgrade providers, but to do that I'd like to have a sense of what's missing. Connection too slow? Not enough bandwidth? How can I tell?

2) Is there anything we can do to optimize in terms of hardware? Router configuration? Should we invest in a wireless repeater, and if so, which?

3) What about software? Is there anything we should be doing to configure it properly (e.g. program settings, allowing it through a firewall, altering webcam quality, etc)?

4) We use a VPN to set up our own server for some online games. Could that or something similar possibly help with Skype?

5) Any other diagnostics to determine what's wrong, or hacks to optimize performance?

Bonus: online games suggestions always welcome! We like Quadradius a lot.

How decrease my levels of frustration when learning a skill?

Shebear — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 12:53:19 -0800

How do I get over the sudden fear, anxiety, frustration and embarrassment I feel when learning a new skill? I am an adult with anxiety issues. These are most apparent whe I am learning a new skill in front of other people. As soon as I get to something even slightly difficult, my frustration seems to skyrocket and I lose control (this involves crying, shaking and just plain losing it) . Then I am instantly embarrassed and feel the need to stop and run away.

For example, I have wanted to try knitting for years. I took a class this morning, and the second I fell behind everyone, tears and embarrassment. I was able to finish the class, but burst into tears as I left and I''m still crying three hours later.

I'm on meds (took a Xanax before I went because I was pretty sure this would happen) and have been in and out of therapy.

This is preventing me from living my life - I'm too terrified to drive, to cook, and basically learn anything for fear of being slow or not the best. Help!!
Thanks for any advice.

Roommate issues - how to level?

dubious_dude — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 01:03:50 -0800

Personal issues with new roommate; two males. How do we resolve this and move forward? I'll try and keep this under wraps as possible. I want to begin by saying I'm gay; he isn't, I'm a bit oversensitive those days (due to some unresolved issues in my life right now); he's a very blunt kind of person, and am seeking therapy to help with my other life issues

I recently re-met a guy (let's call him Zee) at a party in December in DC, because he used to go to the same middle school as I did. We talked, we somewhat hit it off. He offered me a room (actually, a den) in his small apartment, along with his three other roommates (a family). I thought it over, decided to move in. Due to a situation I was in, the university dorm I was living in prior to here wanted my stuff out of the room earlier than I could make it back to DC, so I begrudgingly asked Zee if he would be willing to move my things to my new room, and offered to treat him to a dinner or two to make up for the time, gas, and other expenses. He agreed, and moved my things. I arrived mid-Jan, all was good. For a while. He then told me some friends were complaining about me (personality issues; I won't go into them) behind my back to him. I digested that; it hurt, but I understood his intentions and why he wanted to share that with me, and it gave me an opportunity to improve as well. I still felt a bit hurt, though, because he agreed with their assessment and used some examples, but I brushed it off. Time went by, and Zee began to become more and more blunt. He would shake his head and laugh at any "weird" actions I did, and tell me actions I did that I was unaware of (such as accidentally cutting a line, which I didn't realize I was doing) and criticizing some actions.

I continued to brush it off, because I could tell that was his personality - he complained about others, and seemed a bit, well, to put it nicely, anal about people. However, I began to put up a distance. I also felt guilty because he drove me around (of course, I reimbursed him with gas, and the occasional drink). One time, at a bar, after being too rude to me in front of a friend (when I used a scissor he had, he said if I broke it, I would pay for it, kind of rudely, in front of his friend, which really turned me off), he treated me to a drink. After asking him why, he said "aren't we friends?" with kind of a hurt look on his face.

Zee came in my room often and complain about our other roommates (a family he feels responsible for, due to their financial and mental limitations). He also complained about girls he was seeing. Again, I maintained a distance, and tried not to take his blunt criticisms to my actions in public personally. Until tonight. We were at a grocery store, and I being tired (recovering from a cold), made a honest mistake at a self-checkout lane - the guy in front of me apparently was struggling with making his purchase. He walked away, and I thought he had paid for his purchase already mistakenly, so I went ahead and processed the payment for my item, and Zee said "wait, the guy in front of you isn't finished" in a very scolding, somewhat patronizing manner. I felt very embarrassed and felt like he was treating me as if he was my dad. He came over and actually took over the screen, doing the payment for me, and even pointing to the cash insert. Like I can't see that, d'oh. I decided at that point, it was time for a talk.

We went to a burger joint, and I told him bluntly that I was fed up. I made my points, explaining that I am sensitive, that's who I am at this point, and as I have social anxiety, it's hard for me to deal with situations sometimes, and I did not appreciate his constant bluntness. I made it a point to explain that while sometimes letting me know I made a mistake can help, too much can become very grating and make me even more self-conscious than I already am. Suffice to say, our discussion became ugly. He didn't understand (or refused to listen to) my reasoning, and said that he felt he was "easy" on me at the beginning, but after repeat situations where he had to explain to me where I did something wrong, he felt fed up, and that he's under a lot of stress at this point with school, and doesn't have the patience. He also said that he felt it was all about me, that I was being selfish, by being choosy with restaurants and places to eat, among other things (he couldn't come up with other specific examples), and said that many friends were complaining about me, and that he was sure he wasn't the only one. He also said I had "closed vision" and didn't consider others. While he was right on the food front, the other information caught me by shock. I explained that I can be admittedly selfish when eating out, but that I would change my habits and become more openminded and go places he wanted to go, not just where I wanted to go, and that I would make an effort to be more careful with my surroundings. I did ask him to meet me halfway and try to tell me in a nicer way if he felt I was doing something truly wrong. He said there was no point, because he didn't have time to explain in a nice way what I was doing wrong. I also told him that I felt he didn't have to point out every fault, and he said he didn't want people to look at him like he was an idiot for being with me (not those exact words, but the same idea), such as the guy who was in front of me at the self-checkout lane. Being Deaf, he also said he felt he didn't want to be associated that way. Needless to say, that really hurt, because he made it sound like I did a crime at the store, and being Deaf as well, I didn't hear what was going on.

Then, to add insult on top of injury, when we were leaving the burger joint, I left my unfinished food on the table. (I wasn't hungry; bad day, frustrated with Zee's unwillingness to work with me and level with me, and other issues.) All other times, I threw the food away, but this time I wasn't thinking due to everything else, and it was closing time, and a worker was cleaning up anyway, so it didn't strike me as a big deal. Well, as we were leaving the joint, Zee asked me about the unfinished items I left on the table. I said I wasn't hungry and didn't want to finish it. He replied with, "well, why don't you throw it away?" I explained that the workers would throw it away. He then said that it was inconsiderate of me, and that I should throw it away myself. At that point, I was fed up. He was doing it again! I told him that, and he said, "well, that's your attitude problem!" I then told him firmly I was going to walk home, and to not talk to me. (Maybe a bit childish, but at that point, I was plain fed up.) I walked to the university, cooled off, and went home. I haven't seen Zee since then. We haven't talked on text.

What should I do? I admit there are some mistakes I made in the process, from beginning to finish, but I feel stonewalled and like there's nothing I can do. Zee has his mind set, and the ending really turned me off. He can be hardheaded at times, but this is going too far. I am an adult, I have a right to not be put up to this, and I am not a child. I have done my part to communicate with him. I am at my wits' end, and am thinking about moving out (am not on a lease). However, I don't want to just move out; I want to try and work this out, but I'm not sure there's any hope or any point to do so.

Thanks, and sorry this was such a long book!

How can I convince my boss to consider a different way of tracking jobs?

fartknocker — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 16:15:50 -0800

How can I convince my boss to consider a different way of tracking jobs? I have tried twice so far. The first time I simply said in an email, "I think this could be a really useful production tool. Check it out when you have a minute." The response was dismissive, even defensive. I was told I should explain what the problem is that this solution would solve.

So I tried again, and explained that the problem is that we currently use email to track jobs. And I tried my best to demonstrate why email sucks really hard for this purpose. I also set up a board in trello showing all of the things I'm working on and created and added an extra account to the board. But when, via phone, I tried to make this presentation, the computer my manager was using only had IE and an old version of Firefox, neither of which trello works on.

The result of this was that now, instead of receiving an email describing what needs to be done for a particular job, I get an email directing me to a Word document that describes what needs to be done for a particular job. Ugh.

I'm frustrated because I feel my suggestion has been dismissed without receiving consideration, and all of the functionality in trello looks so good. It seems like my manager is loathe to consider an outside solution, "Tell me what the problem is; I will solve it." is what I am essentially told. Yay, a Word document...

I want to try again, because I still feel what's being offered by this tool far outstrips anything my manager has considered so far. But I don't think I'm a naturally tactful person and would like some advice on how to approach it more effectively.

Had enough!

snowysoul — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 06:53:22 -0800

How I effectively complain to my university administration/international program about a totally incompetent study abroad adviser? I'm studying abroad on exchange in Europe from my university in Canada, and have become increasingly frustrated with the (only) study abroad adviser at the university. She (let's call her Kim for the purpose of my question) has been, in my opinion, extremely unprofessional, unresponsive in her job to support students abroad at my university.

I'm taking a bit of a unique study program while abroad (master's courses that will count towards my undergad) and have needed more clarification and support to make sure my credit transfer works out for my degree. Fair enough that I'm a bit more complicated than normal. Kim is the first person I'm supposed to talk to about ANYTHING course related or if I want to make changes.

Problem: I am having an impossible time getting the support and confirmation that I need regarding my study plan while overseas, to the point where it may impact my ability to graduate on time in the fall. Multiple emails I send her go unanswered, voice mails are not returned. It takes weeks or months to get a hold of her, and then my questions are not adequately addressed or outright ignored. I've been patient, and tried to be understanding. At this point, I'm doing most of the work (contacting people, paperwork, research, confirming things) myself. My main problem is that this was outlined to me in my study abroad contract as HER job, which I payed $350 as a placement fee for support from this person, which I feel I am failing to get.

I'm at a loss for what to do next. I need paperwork sorted for the university here by tomorrow. I sent it to Kim a month ago with adequate warning about what it would mean for me, and that I needed it done. It requires a signature, and phone call to confirm things (which I can't do). Without this paperwork to take an extra class into overload here this semester, I will not be able to graduate as I planned in September and will be stuck coming back to the university in the fall for ONE CLASS (costing me $1200 for the credit. I can take it here in Norway for free). I've left 3 emails, two voice mails in the past week alone, and am angry about the lack of response on this. I think I might have managed to figure it out today from the university here, but am really frustrated with it all and this is the icing on the cake.

So question, I want to complain. Loud and clear that I am unhappy and want at least my emails addressed and returned!! However, I have no idea how to do this in an effective manner. Should I write the department a letter? Complain to Kim first? Her boss? What would be the proper chain of complaint here? I'm generally a polite person who doesn't like to complain because of my anxiety. Would you say doing something in this situation is warranted? Or am I overacting for what it is? Advice is much appreciated!!

Helping a highly intellectually curious and precocious 4-year-old

divabat — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 09:32:26 -0800

How can we help a precocious, highly curious 4-year-old who gets really anxious and frustrated if he can't channel his energy towards doing something? My best friend's son is 4 (turning 5 this year) and loves to learn, to explore and experiment, to challenge himself. However, according to my best friend, he seems to be frustrated because he has nowhere to channel all that energy to, and he gets frustrated and anxious about it.

This originally started because he was once at a kindy where he was the youngest kid and a lot of his friends were about ready to head to primary school. However, after a case of misconduct by the staff, he was moved to another kindy where he was the oldest kid and where the teachers are far more interested in trying to get him to improve his handwriting than in supporting his intellectual curiousity. Since then my best friend has been at a loss for how to keep her son occupied - especially since there's been recent stressors in the family (deaths and illnesses) which is stressing out her son more.

According to her:
* He reads to himself and often tries to work out challenging unknown words
* He's been known to try and conduct science experiments around the house but gets stuck due to his small stature and his age (e.g. he tried to set up a pulley system but found himself too short to get the height he wanted)
* He's tried kid's capoeria, but got frustrated with it after a while (I don't know why)
* He likes LEGO but apparently needs more bricks to keep going
* He often records made-up songs and poetry into his mum's phone
* He has a deep compassion for animals; he teaches his relatives about how to care for them, and once when brought to the zoo he expressed strong concerns about how the animals were being cared for

My best friend often says he reminds her of me, and I do see a lot of similarities - we both get anxious and frustrated if we can't channel our energy and curiousity into something to do. I wonder if part of his frustration is not being immediately good at something and feeling like a failure as a result, which is something I do recognise in myself. When I was his age my savior was the house computer (and later the Internet); I know he has his mum's old iPhone but I'm not sure if he has computer access, especially since they've had issues getting internet in their house for a couple of years now (hopefully this will change soon).

As I write this I feel like the kid needs some sort of yoga or relaxation class, so he can learn to chill out and accept doing *nothing*. I would have recommended circus classes as well, but none exist in their area.

What else can we do to help? My best friend is a single mum with a regular job that occasionally involves weird hours; she had taken a break from the workforce to take care of her son. They live with her family and they chip in to take care of him, but sometimes finding help has been challenging. I live in a different country from them, and I had thought about writing letters from his Auntie Batty (he knows who I am, and recognises my voice if nothing else) with some puzzles or fun things to do - what could I give him that will indulge in his love of learning but still would be relatively age-appropriate?

A mother at a loss thanks you!

a more pleasant job I can support myself with while I work on my art?

fireflies — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 12:57:41 -0800

What other jobs can am I qualified for that I could support myself on, but still give me time to pursue art? Or is my frustrating job as good as it gets without more qualifications / experience? Originally I was going to ask a question about whether my current job is as bad as I think it is. I've since decided that my job is tolerable, but if I can get a better one, I'll try to do that. So now my question is: what better jobs are out there that I could actually be hired for, and still have time and energy to pursue my art?

I graduated from college about a year and a half ago with an art degree. Art is what I want to do but I still have a very long way to go before I could at all support myself with it. I've had my current job for about 9 months; one of my worries is that it will look bad on my resume that I haven't worked there a full year. When things go well at work, it's great for me - I get insurance; my commute is short and easy; and since I'm the sort of person who works really well with a consistent routine, I've been drawing more since I got this job than when I was unemployed.

But when my job isn't going well, it really messes with me. Busy weeks wipe me out so I don't have energy to draw or socialize. It takes over my brain, which I don't like because I have no interest in this field. My job is usually done by someone with a degree in the field my company is in, but they hired me so they didn't have to pay me as much. Plus I wasn't trained properly, and no one has time to devote to training me, so I often only learn new tasks when there's a deadline to do them and everyone is frustrated that I haven't done it yet. Everyone in the department assigns me tasks, but they don't communicate and we don't have meetings, so no one knows when I'm busy, or overwhelmed, or when my workload is light, or when I meet a tight deadline, or anything. My immediate supervisor is a nice guy, but he hates his job and basically only has to deal with me when I mess up, so I only hear from him when he's frustrated that he was interrupted to deal with me. A big deal for me is, I moved here to the Bay Area after college because I enjoy the culture, and am a very progressive, hippie-ish woman, but the culture at my office is instead corporate, male-dominated, filled with conservative people who commute in from the suburbs and tease me about my politics (and more often my perceived politics, it's not like I'm constantly bringing up politics at work!). My dislike of the work I have to do and the environment I do it in is making me more lazy. All this is messing with my self-image, because in work that I like, like my art and my academic studies, I consider myself a very thorough, detail-oriented person.

I've tried to come up with ideas for what I could do that would be better, but I'm stuck. My friends with jobs have complaints similar to mine, so I have trouble getting perspective on whether I would have this issue with any office job and would screw myself over by starting over elsewhere.

Other things I like and am interested in: writing; research; animal welfare; food politics; social justice. I have some background in programming and web design, but not a degree in the former or great portfolio in the latter, so it's more something to distinguish me from other entry-level office workers than a real career path. I don't have a car, so can't work too far away or somewhere not accessible by public transit. I need insurance. As implied by my complaints above, being well-trained and having consistent tasks is huge for me.

I know this is long. I realize that what my question comes down to in a big way is that the best jobs are specialized and require high qualifications, that essentially, I want a good job without having to put in a lot of investment. Really, while I would love a good job, just a decent one would be fine - something like my current job without the stress and poor communication would be just fine. But how do I find that?

What am I qualified to do? What jobs / fields have I overlooked? How can I fell whether a prospective job would have a culture that fits with me? Have I eliminated something I shouldn't? Am I being unrealistic or whiny? I'd especially like to hear from people who found rewarding jobs not long after college, in a crappy economy, with an arts degree, because right now that sounds like a fantasy.

Is it better to be demoted for my own sanity, or to stay miserable until I can jump ship?

croutonsupafreak — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 09:17:54 -0800

Should I ask for a demotion? Or keep sucking it up while I look for the next big thing? I'm a newspaper editor who hates her job and would like to be a reporter again. I became a mid-level editor about two years ago. I enjoy working with reporters as they map out their story plans, and I like editing their work. But that's probably only 20 percent of my time. A lot of my work involves administrative stuff that I'm not good at and don't enjoy - creating budgets, tracking spending, putting on events, coordinating complex projects with multiple people, etc. A depressing amount of my work also involves implementing cost-cutting decisions made by my higher ups -- reducing syndicated content, deciding which features to eliminate, developing plans for filling the paper with fewer people, negotiating cheaper contracts with vendors, etc. Compounding my frustration with the tasks on my plate, I feel constantly undermined and ignored by my boss, who rejects my suggestions and ignores my feedback.

I worked at this newspaper for three years as a reporter, and really liked what I was doing. And we will be hiring a reporter in the new year whose duties will be right in line with the kind of work I'd like to do next in my career. I'm torn about whether to seek that job, which would entail a pay cut and demotion, or whether to try to hold on longer in this gig while I seek work elsewhere.

My mentor - who previously worked at this newspaper - left because of the same frustrations. She says that my next move should be a big leap, and I like that idea. I'm applying to about one reporting job a week at bigger news organizations. I'm also taking classes and laying groundwork for a possible career change. Meanwhile, my current job is killing me, and I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. But I worry that I might not enjoy being a reporter here if I tried it again, because I've been so disheartened by my more recent experiences. How can I decide what direction to go?

tl;dr:
I hate being an editor and liked being a reporter. But I'm not sure if I'd like working as a reporter at this place as much as I did before, considering the depressing and disheartening experiences I've had since my promotion. Should I seek a demotion to a better-fit here, or should I suck it up and continue to look for something bigger and better at another paper?

The user is always right

sarahj — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 12:53:19 -0800

I get really frustrated with the process at my workplace, particularly meetings. After many details, I have a couple of questions about work (specifically software development and project management decisions) and how to deal with meeting-related frustration. I work for a small research department of a larger business. Myself and a second person were hired to create a software application to assist in the research this department does. Neither of us has had a software development position before. We are under the guidance of a Project Manager (PM) who has worked in marketing and is knowledgeable in this specific realm of research but not in software. There are a few other "advisory" team members: A couple of researchers familiar with the research process, a programmer 'consultant', and the lead researcher, the visionary behind this software application.

The second programmer and my roles are pretty much the same - we both work on all aspects of the project. We started with nothing except a vague goal that has changed tremendously over time. When we started, I decided on the programming language to use (this fact is important and overwhelming and embarrassing to me, because it makes me feel like a) I should be an expert in all things related to the language [I'm not], and b) that any limitations of the application are my fault because I picked the language). At this point we have more or less finished the basic application and we have a well established "to-do" list of features. In addition to creating this application, we are occasionally given writing tasks to do, mock-ups to make, presentations to make for researchers to show elsewhere, and documentation tasks. Part of our role has also been to help design this application, which I've found to be difficult given the complexity of this research and my lack of depth of knowledge in it.

However, I'm having a problem with the processes here. I cannot tell if these are personal issues that I have and need to get over (such as being a control freak, or not understanding how "work" works), or if these are issues anyone would have in this situation. This is my first job after college and I really do not know what is "normal."

Many times during the week we have meetings that are just the three of us - two programmers and PM. When PM is around these meetings can happen one to three times a day. Full project-team meetings happen weekly. Lately I am finding that I have to suppress a huge amount of annoyance and frustration before and during these meetings, particularly the PM-only ones. To hide it, I try not to volunteer input, and I say as little as possible to get the meeting over with. Other tactics (providing and defending my opinion, suggesting an idea) have proven unsuccessful. A PM meeting is usually something like the following:

- "Can you come into my office and look at something? Look at [X feature on some commercial program]. Can we do something like that for [Y feature on our program]? Is it hard to do?"
- "Let's go through this list of comments from users. User A thinks the label on this button should be different, let's change that. User B thinks [Z feature on our application] should be more like [Q feature on commercial application]. [Head researcher] would like that. How long would it take to do that?"
- "Let's look at your mockups for the next to-do feature. Can we make it look more like [existing application] I showed you? What if a user wants to [do more complex thing we didn't discuss before]?"

In our last full team meeting, PM had my co-programmer demo the progress of a feature. The resulting team conversation was about rearranging stuff on screen, and eventually went backwards to discussing changing an existing feature. (Co-Programmer and I do not have the authority to say "No, we aren't going to change that.") After this I presented some mock-ups PM asked me to do. I only got to slide 3 of 20. The team discussion was about user privileges (something that has been discussed greatly but not decided on), and the conclusion from Head Researcher was "let's come up with more general concepts for the feature." Another point of frustration for me was that it had previously been agreed that my mock-ups would apply to a clearly defined scope of the project, but much team discussion was about having the feature in a larger scope that would be more complex (and confusing to users) and take more time to create. I will probably end up having to implement both.

Re-reading these things, they do not seem that bad and I should be able to suck it up and deal with it. However, for some reason I have become conditioned to feel overwhelmingly ANNOYED by meetings. I dread them. I am starting to dread hearing PM's voice. I am struggling to articulate why I feel this way. I think it is because nothing is ever decided. We never get a chance to perfect and fix problems in what we have because we are always adding new bells and whistles and changing things to make the team happy. If I volunteer what I think is valid input, it's not used or it's modified until it's complicated. I feel kind of bad for the users of this application and I don't have much pride in the result - but I am not a researcher/user so maybe it is completely fine!

Another short story: When Head Researcher thought we might want to get input from a user interface consultant, I quickly jumped on it and found one. I was hoping that some things might get finalized faster if we had an authority on software design and development giving us advice. Nobody really knew 'how to use' the UI consultant. We do not get input from them any more because "the research process is too complex" and they can't help us with designing features without us taking lots of time to teach them about the process.

Yesterday when talking to PM, they said "No, you really seem more angry when things don't go your way" and I internally said oh no everyone here thinks I'm selfish and bitchy and angry all the time, better apply for jobs on the other side of the country so I can never see any of them again. I wasn't able to express that I'm trying really hard not to be a jerk, it's not because things don't go my way, I really don't care if someone likes my input or not, it is this inexplicable frustration I feel at the process of things here. PM's comment to me from yesterday and my internal reaction to it are leading me to seek advice here.

What I need help on is:
- Are these normal processes for software development? Are these meeting situations par for the course, or is it just my particular workplace? Do I just not understand something here?
- Is my inner meeting rage completely unjustified? Do I have anger problems?
- How can I get rid of my meeting frustration and just be a normal worker who works? If I can't get rid of it, how can I better hide it?
- Does this mean I will be frustrated as a software developer anywhere?

Thanks for taking the time to read this mess. I can attempt to clarify anything as needed. But feel free to tear me apart. I think I need it.