Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with friendships

How do I stop having hatecrushes?

Anonymous — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 18:59:35 -0800

How do I stop having hatecrushes? I have a long history of developing hatecrushes. They consist of almost all-consuming obsession-- as intense as any romantic crush-- except negative rather than positive. I feel my heart race when someone mentions their name, I stalk them online. Just like in a romantic crush, I lose all sense of reason, become blinded by hatred. Just someone afflicted by a romantic crush my change their behavior to get their crush to like them, I change my behavior to distinguish myself from my hatecrush. I think about them CONSTANTLY.

Although I try to keep my mouth shut and control my behavior, I feel like it seeps out and, though I have gotten better with age, sometimes damages my relationships with third parties who are either friends with the object or think poorly of me (reasonably so!)for having these effed up obsessions. Then, after a certain period of time, like romantic crushes, it loses all its power, dissipates. I still don't really like the person, usually, but they no longer have any power of me.

Usually the objects of my disgust are other women, often former romantic partners of guys I am involved with. Many times, they are not ex-girlfriends per se, but brief flings. Other times, they are women who have a lot in common with me-- similar interest or style or aspects of personality, except for whatever reason, I find them extremely lacking. My hate seems to stem from making sure that I distinguish myself from them. I think, "she my dress like me and play a similar social role and have dated the same guy I'm dating, but she NOTHING LIKE ME OKAY???" Honestly, I legitimately believe that most of these people are kinda sucky as people, do things that I know other people think are annoying, even after I get over my obsession, but I just wish I didn't care.

One thing that has helped somewhat is to use extreme self-control to just not e-stalk. Out of sight, out of mind. I am the troll, and I don't feed myself. Another technique is to remind myself of hatecrushes that have come before, how much less powerful they seem once they've passed. I also try to remember that it's not about the object of the hatecrush but about me, my insecurities, my sense of boundaries of self (i.e., their shortcomings make me feel better about myself).

When I'm deep in the middle of a hatecrush, these techniques are small comforts. Any other tips? I really dislike this about myself and find it somewhat embarrassing and kinda pathetic. I don't really feel like an overall insecure person, and I try really hard to keep a healthy, balance, metacognitive perspective about these things. Why do I become so hate-infatuated?

Men: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's fuck!) Women: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's be friends!)

Eleutherios — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:22:11 -0800

Previously dated men, now wants to date women. Problem: I can't tell when women are interested in me or if they just want to be friends. I seem to be pretty good in picking up on clues that a man is sexually interested in me, women not so much.

I've had scenerios show up over and over with men and women:

-Being stared at in a bar/party/club
-Being told that I'm attractive/sexy
-Being messaged on online dating sites
-Having a friend of their's introduce me ("Hey are you single? If yes, my friend would like to meet you!)
-Someone inviting me over their house to fix dinner for me
-Being grinded on the dance floor

Whenever men show the above behaviors, it almost always leads up to them wanting to pursue a relationship and/or have sex with me. I've always reject those advances, because I'm not sexually attracted to men, eventhough I pretended to be for a while. I was in a few relationships with men, but they were sexless.

Whenever women show the above behaviors I get a different result. Unlike with the guys, I don't show coolness when women act like that around me, I actually turn up the heat. Once I show my attraction, I'm told that they are looking for friendship and not anything more. That's if I'm lucky, there were a few occasions where women just walked away from me.

This has caused me a lot of frustration and confusion, the fact that the very same behaviors has led to very different outcomes, depending on the gender involved. To add to the confusion, whenever I show those above behaviors, I am definately sexually attracted to a woman. I mean, I would never invite a woman over to my house (knowing that we are both lesbians) to cook for her, if I wasn't trying to have sex with her or wanted her to be my girlfriend. It would just be awkward.

I've been told that I think a lot like a guy, so I think this is messing up my perception a bit. For those who date women, regardless of your gender, how do I tell the difference between friendly interest and sexual interest? Please help a woman who's new to this scene.

Should I amend my personality to make more friends or, "be me" and have fewer friends?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 07:11:13 -0800

Should I amend my personality to make more friends, or "be me" and have fewer friends? I have a sarcastic sense of humour, and when I'm with friends I tend to make jokes about everyone, including myself. I have close friends that I share this with. I never mind being the butt of the joke myself. I am not everybody's cup of tea, obviously. I like to think I have a high level of social skills (wow that sounds pompous), I am quite good at reading people. Or so I thought.

A new-ish but close friend of mine, let's call her K, just told me that she doesn't appreciate the way I make jokes about her. The example she used was an instance where I jokingly called her the "town's fashion expert" after a comment she made about what streets were 'in' and not. It's probably a "you had to be there" moment, but anyway. She didn't like it.

I am fully aware of the fact that everybody's limits vary, and I misjudged K's comfort zone when it comes to being the butt of the joke. I apologised to her, and thanked her for letting me know. But it actually came as a surprise, because I had always thought we were on the same page. Turns out she has been offended on many occasions, which, let's face it, I can understand. And she is probably not the first to react, but she is the first to tell me to my face.

I am also aware that we all need to compromise and make sacrifices in order to get along, but to what degree does this apply to your closest circle of friends? (Again, not work/school colleagues, family, or anyone else that you're forced to interact with.)

My usual principle would be to always show my true colours, warts and all, and people can take it or leave it. I have had success with this, people still like me. But is that too rigid and selfish? It seems I would be missing out on friends like K, who is awesome in many ways but can't stomach my humour. Should I treat all new friends with kid gloves, in case they are offended by my personality? That doesn't seem right either. I'd love some insight and thoughts about this, and hope I won't be completely slaughtered for being an insensitive beach.

For the record, I am in the 25-35 age group and female, and this is not intended to be your classical "how do I become most popular in high school" question, but rather "how do I end up with quality friends without sacrificing my personality".

Friends don't stress friends out!

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:49:39 -0800

How do you extricate yourself from a family-oriented friendship? Very long and pathetic story to follow. About eighteen months ago, my child became friendly with a classmate. We hosted a play date that went swimmingly well. I liked the Mom quite a bit. This led to a reciprocated play date at their house, where we eventually ended up becoming family friends – Dads enjoyed each other’s company, kids played nice, Moms hung out. All was good. I thought it was great that we all were nice new friends. In fact, we spent the majority of the summer together, and even did holidays at each other’s houses.

Well, as my friendship with the new Mom evolved, she started to confide in me that she was involved in a long-established affair with another married male (who also had kids), and had long ago kind of checked out on her marriage. In fact, she actually hated her husband. Now mind you, our kids are now absolute buddies, and talk about each other endlessly and go to school together five days a week in the same class. I was kind of OK with just being aware of the situation, but as time went on, the volunteering of information became, well, a little TMI. The wheres, the whens, the hows. It was mentioned to me that there was a pregnancy scare and Plan B was involved. When I kind of brought up the What the FUCK?! Factor, as in, don’t you have enough going on? She said that they (she and her, uh, paramour?) discussed the thought of having a baby together and liked the idea, but then freaked when the possibility became a reality and bailed. TWICE. When I asked what would happen should the Plan B not work, how would she deal with the fact that she wasn’t sleeping with her spouse (except for the occasional mercy fuck) yet somehow get pregnant? She said that her husband wouldn't be smart enough to figure it out. (She is forever talking shit about him/his intelligence, etc.)

I tried to remain outside of the circle, especially since her husband happens to be a really nice guy. He apparently was aware that she had fooled around on him at one point, but was under the impression that it had ended a while back (to date, it’s now been about three years running). I also asked why they don’t just get a divorce; she sighted financial reasons, and also claimed that for all his faults, her husband is, in fact, a good father. They supposedly attempted counseling, though I never heard more about that after one or two tries.

Her child left the school to go on to a different district last year, so that kind of helped separate the situation. Still the kids missed each other, and I would regularly get calls and emails asking for play dates. I would kind of blow them off, or we would end up rescheduling. The few times we did get together, the conversation was kept very basic. My child regularly talked about how much she missed her friend, and would beg me to call the Mom and see when we could get together (this still happens pretty frequently). I try and change the topic, not really giving an answer, or say that everybody's busy the next few weekends, not really knowing how to explain the situation.

We went for about four or five months without communicating and I suddenly got a call about two weeks ago. It was a really bad time for me to talk and I never returned the call or sent an email.

And now to convolute the story further, her husband found me on FB this morning, wanting to know how I’ve been, and what’s been going on. Inevitably, he’s going to ask why I haven’t been around and what’s the story. It kills me to know what is going on, yet I feel I have no right (nor do I have any intention) to tell him.

How am I supposed to explain to my kid that I cut off our relationship with this family because of this person’s scruples?

Throwaway email: harriedparent@gmail.com

Polite responses to nosy friends/family on personal matters?

KWittman — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 08:45:26 -0800

Any effective but non-offending responses for people who, in the name of being helpful and concerned, I feel are starting to become a bit too close for comfort when it comes to personal problems? Having marriage problems is hard enough, and although I am usually a very introverted person, I took someone's (now questionable) advice to "try opening up" to friends or family and not "carry the burden alone." As a result I shared some things that involved the signs of possible infidelity on my husband's part with a couple of friends in my town, and two of my sisters-in-law. At the time the sympathy, when I needed it, felt very comforting, but, big mistake.

As my husband and I continue to try and work things out, and go through a lot of hard issues, I have grown to sometimes feel cornered by the persistent questions from these friends/family members and have had the vague sense (sometimes, actually, the very keen sense) that they are just looking for the latest juicy details.

Nope, things are not 100% fine at my house, but I no longer think it's a good idea to "share" some of these things anymore. Just looking for some effective things in between "fine, thanks" or "I don't want to talk about it" or "none of your business" to the schadenfreude crew.

So I guess we're not friends huh?

ask me please — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 03:04:57 -0800

I met a new 'friend' (acquaintance) on a course I took recently. He sort-of invited himself to come and stay with me for a week in Paris. I figured that he was mostly coming to see Paris but also to hang out with me, but he's made himself completely scarce since arriving and I'm not sure how to deal. I have this houseguest here for a week and it seems like I'm not going to see him at all, and I'm starting to feel a bit rejected. Should I address it with him?

There's so much to see and do in Paris, and I've lived here for years and love to show people around. But this guy has sidestepped all my invitations (I've barely seen him since he arrived). Should I address it with him? Or just let it go and not mention it?

It's really doing a number on my self esteem, as it's not that nice to have someone staying with you who doesn't seem to even want to eat together, but I wonder if I should just let it go for the week and not say anything? If I do say anything, how should I bring it up?

What to do when an online friendship starts to progress too fast

Inner Universe — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 13:16:06 -0800

RelationshipFilter - What to do when a long-standing online friendship starts to head into uncomfortable territory? I've been talking to a guy for over a year, perhaps closing in on the year and a half mark, and I get on very well with him.

We chatted informally on a forum before we wound up chatting off the boards, and discovered we had much in common. As such, we've remained on very good terms and talk at least twice/three times a week on messenger for hours at a time. He and I have very similar tastes in most matters, and have honest debates about serious matters as well as ranting about video games and the like.

We know each others names, ages, where the other lives (though we're in different countries), and I know what he looks like (he doesn't due to the fact I'm camera shy, which he accepts; his pics are also on the forum where we first 'met' and I posted none, reducing any further pressure). He's a lovely, intelligent and very supportive guy, whom I am proud to call my friend.

But I'm now starting to get a little worried. My friend has always shown signs of affection, even to the point of admitting a sense of 'dependency' on our communications, and in the past has expressed interest in visiting the UK to meet me. I agreed that it would be good to meet him someday, but thought nothing of it as he doesn't work, and didn't seem liable to either. This affection has apparently developed even further, and he's getting serious about visiting, to the point where he admits to have looked up ticket prices and the like, as well as looking at unemployement agencies in his area/actively looking for work. He also seems to have a very idealised image of me, which isn't good...

I think the world of him as a friend, but I'm now starting to feel uneasy. It perhaps doesn't sound like much from the above, but the wording of some of his comments over the last few months... I'd like to tell him to slow down, or to reconsider his thoughts, or something along those lines without losing him as a friend. I accept that this may not be possible, but in an ideal situation...

I'm honestly at a loss. Cutting all comms with him wouldn't be difficult, but as I've said I'd prefer not to go down that route, plus I think it'd be childish given the friendship we've built up. I can understand that it might not sound so bad from what I've said, but I don't want to post examples from our talks as I want to maintain his privacy (that and I've pointed out Mefi to him on a couple of occassions; would prefer he didn't find out about my discomfort through him recognising snatches of our previous conversations).

So... What do I do? Do I tell him outright that his desire to meet me is starting to make me uneasy? Or do I try another approach? Any advice welcomed.

fear of intimacy with friendships

Anonymous — Mon, 11 May 2009 12:16:38 -0800

How do i get over my fear of intimacy in friendships, and actually let myself get into close friendships and not push people away? Help me sort out my problems with intimacy and social anxiety, and fix it. Usually this question comes up in the context of romantic relationships. I've read through the series of MeFi questions, but I can't find anything on this - so here goes.

I am a male in my late twenties, and live in an east coast city (ECC). For work, I have been temporarily sent out to a west coast city (WCC). My time here so far (just a few months) has been helpful in giving me perspective to a problem that I have been ignoring for years.

I have been here a few months in WCC, and have a few months left before i go back to ECC. I don't know that many people here, and the loneliness has hit me pretty hard. When I talk to people from back here, they expect me to be having a lot more fun than i am, and I'm just miserable.

What i've realized here is that I have deep intimacy problems. I realized that back in ECC, I do know a lot of people - I just don't let them very close at all. I have a lot of casual acquaintances, and sort of have a busy enough social life, but I don't have lots of close friends. Living in WCC, since i'm alone a lot more, has given me a lot of perspective on this...

I had moved a lot in my early twenties, and I kept on trying different places - and I've finalyl realized that it wasn't the place - it was me! It was my fear of letting people get close that pushed people away.

Part of this problem comes from a fear of intimacy, and part of it comes this fear that people think that I'm a socially awkward friendless loser, so I try to build up my life in a way that seems more active and social that it is. And most people think I have a far more active social life and romantic life than I do.

So, you know how some guys have a number of girls in their life, and the presence of other (available) girls in their life makes them more desired by other girls? (which isn't healthy, i know).

I have that mentality when it comes to relationships as well, even though (obviously) that doesnt work at all. I think what it is, is that i am afraid to let people close to me know how vulnerable I am, so I hang out with different people and hold them at arm's length, even when they want to get closer.

So I'm always 'looking' for new friends, even though I have people in my life already.

I think I'm worried that I will get into a friendship with someone, and that we won't click - and that i won't be able to extricate myself (I feel like this happened before to me in college - i got in with a group of friends that i found myself very different from, and leaving was awkward and painful for all involved)

(Romantically, this has not worked well at all either - I have slept with many girls but i won't let them get close emotionally to me either)

I have a lot of individual relationships, all with different groups of people. Some of them are very, very different from each other. I have this fear of them not getting along, so I never bring different groups together, and I think people seem slightly off-put by that fact. But bringing them together generates such huge amounts of anxiety for me that I get scared and won't do it. For instance, I went out about four times last week with different people - but I never brought them together or invited one from one outing to another.

Or another example - i haven't done anything for my last couple birthdays - everyone always expects me to do something and have a big gettogether, and people always ask me when i'm planning to gettogether or the party for (the answer? i get so stressed out about it that i hunker down, and dont do anything, and mumble some answer about how i was too busy to plan anything)

But again, I think it's the fear that people will see a vulnerable me - so i put up a false facade that everything is great and there's nothing to worry about and that i have a super exciting life.

Otherwise, things are good in my life, there is no reason for me to struggle. I have a well-paying, very stable job making in the high five figures, no outstanding debt, very well educated, and no real struggle on that side of life. In this economy, I know this is worth a lot and I am thankful for that each and every single day.

What i just want is to be happy and not be lonely and have CLOSE friends. I need to change, and I need to figure out the best way to fix things and get things on track before I leave WCC and go back to ECC.

I do have kinda bad bouts of depression (medical, not situational), and social anxiety as well.

Thoughts on the best way to approach therapy (to find one), good books to read, and any way you have pulled yourself out of a situation like this would be appreciaetd. I have been like this for too long.

Here twitter, twitter, twitter

The1andonly — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 07:53:11 -0800

How can I make new friends on Twitter? I joined Twitter about a year ago and have been sporadically using it from time to time....It took me a while to get the gist of it but now I find it amazing to keep in touch with friends and I love it. This is my question:

Is it possible in your opinion to make meaningful, friendships or at least networking connections with the site?

I am not interested in having 1,000 people following me nor I want to follow a 1,000 but I would like the possibility of meeting new folks outside of my circle, who either share the same interests I have (in my case that would be music/songwriting/fitness) or are just plain interesting. (also I am not looking to hook up, platonic friendships that are "real" are fine with me)

I started following some folks who I thought would be cool to follow and have started some conversations but sometimes I feel weird about the fact that I am jumping on somebody's tweets while being an unknown. So tell me MEFI, have you ever met new people by using twitter? and if so, what is the best way to go about doing so?

I was told, "Let other people bless you." How?

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 15:54:24 -0800

"Why do you do that? Stop it. Let other people bless you. You're always supporting others, why don't you let others show support for you?" This is what a co-worker said to me today when scolding me about my not wanting to have a promotion luncheon and moving to another area. This has happened like three times in as many years. After many excuses, I finally conceded to her "I don't know." I've known for a long time that this is a major problem for me. I have a severe mistrust of people. I never expect them to give back what I've given. I've been disappointed many, many times, but honestly, I don't know if I can say even that warrants my mistrust. Over the past few years, I've done things like turn off my phone after I call someone and leave a message, so as not to know if they called back or not, (to avoid disappointment), which would inevitably lead to their saying in our next conversation, "I called you, but you never answer." Still though, I continue my self-destructive ways.

I remember one of the only times I've ever thrown anything for myself, a few years ago for my 25th birthday (I'm 29 now), and in my eyes it was a disaster. No one except a couple reliable friends came, everyone else had an excuse. Even a "close" friend (our b-days are days apart) who I was hosting the party with backed out at the last minute. I was devastated. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt devastated, like, "God, here I am, I made the effort, and it blew up in my face." So of course, I haven't thrown anything since, just attended other people's gatherings. I never get my moment in the sun because I'm afraid people either 1) don't know me enough to attend or 2) don't care enough, both which would hurt like hell. I don't think I can take another 25th b-day party, I just don't. So I never even try.

But it makes me sad. I don't know if I'll ever get married, but over the years, the only thing I've obsessed over when thinking about that day is, "would anyone come? Could I handle being the center of attention like that?" Those thoughts scare the begeezus out of me, truly. But I worry now because this was semi-okay when I was younger, but now it's not a phase, it's become a way of life, and it makes me feel like my life is passing me by. Yet I don't know how to trust others enough to include them in my life in a healthy, normal way. I don't know what to do. Can anyone either 1) tell me what's wrong with me or 2) tell me how to fix it?

P.S. I went to therapy a few years ago (after the 25th b-day debacle, surprise, surprise) for about a year and I found it helpful, but I don't know if that's what I need anymore. I don't know what I need to get past this, I really don't.

How do I stop being afraid of women?

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 12:35:23 -0800

How do I, a lesbian woman, get over my fear of women? Ever since I was little I have had trouble making friends with women and it cripples my dating and friendship options. I make fast, easy friends with guys (straight and gay, for what it's worth). These are not attention-getting, "tee-hee let's flirt!" friendships either. They are serious, brotherly friendships--I have a pretty stereotypically masculine personality, I identify strongly with the thoughts and troubles of my male friends, and have a much easier time relating to my male friends then the few female friends I have. It goes to the point where I can forget I'm female in a group of guy friends, and feel uncomfortable in a group of female friends when they are complaining about men because I feel like I am part of the group they're complaining about.

In contrast to my friendships with men, forming friendships with a women is a trial. The problem dates back from a young age. I was always extremely tomboyish and as all of the girls around me went through "girly" years I got it in my head I was irrevocably different from other women. I wanted to be their Prince Charming and it put me in a weird in-between zone. It didn't help that the few female friends I had stabbed me in the back over middle-school queen-bee bullshit since I was a socially awkward, nerdy kid, and this further cemented a fear and lack of understanding of girls.

I'm older now, and intellectually realize that women are human beings, and they come in all different types and personalities, and I'm not so different from other women and I should treat them as I would like to be treated. However, that doesn't help my instinctual reaction to flee whenever meeting new women. At this point the mire of sexual attraction and subconscious fear that women are mysterious creatures I could never understand make forming female friendships a veritable nightmare, impossible unless I meet them through male friends and then it takes a long, long time before I feel comfortable talking to them without my male friends there.

This question feels embarrassing and dumb. I consider myself a strong feminist, a strong woman, why do I have such a dumb view of women as an "Other"? Can anyone give advice on how to work through this?

How an a grown-up learn social skills?

Yakuman — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 18:05:00 -0800

Are there any decent guides to improving your social skills? Most of what I've found on the topic deals with children, formal etiquette, or the standard self-help cant. Is there anything for people interested in the nuts and bolts of building relationships, giving off a good impression, and making people think you are a good guy. I get the idea that most people with bad social skills tend not to care or notice and this hurts the market for such material. I have a pretty good eye for books and I have found precious little on this topic. I assume we are supposed to learn these things in childhood or be screwed for life. There is a quack movement called NLP that obsesses on rapport-building, but provides little of use. The standard therapeutic gurus seem more interested in pumping up emotional states than anything else. And the people who deal in practical advice focus on gatherings like mixers and dinner parties that I rarely attend.

Is there anything else? Surely there are all sorts of socially awkward people looking for tips.

Child without bedtime interrupting adult evenings

lilyflower — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 12:52:17 -0800

How can we get our friends to put their 4 year old to bed so we can have grown up evenings together? We are a couple who are both in our late 20's without children and are friends with a couple who are in their late 30's with a 4 year old girl. We like to spend weekend evenings together but their lack of a bedtime routine with their 4 year old is interfering with our relationship as adults. We like to hang out on Friday and Saturday nights playing over 18 rated computer games and watching TV programs and films which are not suitable for a small girl. Due to our friends child being up with us sometimes until midnight we are not enjoying our evenings as our friends attention is being drawn to her as she interrupts conversations, she has tantrums as she is so tired from being up so late, and our behaviour is being moderated by our friends to create a suitable environment for a child.

We have been together as a couple for 2 years and my partner was friends with them first and spent time with them before I was around. He says that even when the daughter was a toddler she was allowed downstairs late at night as he believes the mother works full time and feels guilty about not spending enough time with her. When we go around to their house we feel we cannot say anything as it is their house, but when they come around to our house they bring their child and get her to sleep on a sofa which we allow but do not feel comfortable with. We would like to know how we can approach our friends about the lack of exclusive adult time we have with them. They do not have a baby sitter but do arrange for her parents to stay with them occassionally who can then babysit but are not around much. Our friends say that during the week they do have a bedtime routine but they seem to not bother with it when we are there at the weekend. We can see that as their child gets older and starts to perceive more of her surroundings she will pick up on adult content in our conversations and on the TV. We can forsee our friends will want to moderate our behaviour further so as not to expose their daughter to adult content.

How can we talk to our friends about this and have evenings with them as grown ups without a child in tow? We would appreciate comments from people who have experienced situations similar to this from either side.

How to cope after breaking up with a BFF of 10 yrs?

urbanchic — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 00:39:03 -0800

I feel like I made the right decision in breaking up with my (jealous) BFF of 10 yrs - but I still feel guilty over it? Also, what to do about mutual friends and any advice on coping? I broke up with my BFF of 10 yrs last summer, after what seemed like a deterioration of our friendship. We are both 30 yrs old.. were friends through college and post-college years - and shared a lot of great memories and activities together. I was also close with my BFF's boyfriend (now husband), who I also respected. They were always supportive and good friends during some difficult times, as I was with them. We all lived close together in the same city until they moved to another city 6 hrs. away 2 yrs ago, we're going to get married and settle down. So we only saw each other sporadically after, but that's when the troubles began.

In fall 2007, I decided to pursue Grad school to get a MBA b/c I got stuck in my career and needed a major change - as well as was facing a lot of pressure from my traditional parents. All my friends were supportive of that idea - except for this BFF and her BF. We all had college degrees, but when I told her of the news, she got all critical, saying, "There's nothing wrong with your education," "That's awfully hard - are you sure you can do it?," or "How are you ever going to afford that?" I was shocked, hurt and didn't know where that came from. Someone said it sounded like she was jealous of me and didn't want me to get a MBA. But why would she care? She was getting married, we lived far away, it wouldn't impact her? I tried to talk to her about it, but she denied everything and said that she was just "looking out for me."

The weird thing is, my BFF got into a huge bad argument with her BF and wanted to even end their relationship a few months earlier - when *I* had to be there to console her.

In the next year, she started contacting me less and I felt like I was the one who had to keep the friendship going. On her b-day, her BF invited me to a surprise party, but I couldn't make it as I was prepping for the GMAT a few wks later. I sent a nice gift, but she didn't even have the courtesy to tell me thank you. So then when her wedding started coming around, all she could talk about was her wedding - and didn't even really include me in the plans, let alone had much interest in my life anymore.

Eventually, I got so fed up with this one-sided friendship after 1 yr of that I was done, no more. I felt like I was walking on eggshells for her terms of happiness and she did not support me when I needed her.

So here comes the really bizarre and inmature (asinine) part:

Her *Mom* begins writing to me on MySpace/Facebook to try to invite me to the wedding after a few months of non-communication. She and the Dad tells me that my friend is going through some "changes," "is growing up" and wants me to be understanding and there for her. I was like, "WTF? Are you kidding me?" You want me to be there for HER when she won't be there for me? I ignored all of the msgs. After a few wks, this so-called BFF tried emailing me and asks me what's wrong. And in the process, both she and the Mom are trying to msg. MY friends and be all chummy with them all of a sudden? I felt like this was high school crap! Well, I tried to keep our mutual friends out of it, luckily all of my friends kept their distance.

It's been 6 months since my ex-BFF's wedding and I sent a "why we broke up letter" to her last week. I felt like I made the right decision in breaking up our friendship - but I still feel guilty that I had to cut it cold turkey from time to time. I understand usually friendshifts happen around big events like graduation, marriage and babies. But I tried and didn't want this to happen. Is this normal? I just feel angry that she and her Mom - still don't understand or will stop their immature behavior.

I think both my friend and I were in a similar depressed, negative state for a good portion of our time together. I have since gotten therapy, all of my relationships have grown and I feel like a positive, better person now. Does that have an impact - that they may not recognize their absurd behavior?

Thanks for any feedback, I feel like jealously or whatever this is is such an unspoken topic and really would like some feedback. I appreciate you guys reading my long post.

So long, farewell, Auf Weidersehen, goodbye…

inatizzy — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 08:27:10 -0800

When moving away, how do you say goodbye? (And how do you keep up friendships after you're gone?) After living in the Boston area for more than 4.5 years, I’ve decided it's time to leave and travel the world, which I've wanted to do since I was young. I will probably settle in a different city when I return to the US.

I'm going to miss a lot of people here, including a few who I'm somewhat close to. It takes me awhile to get close to people, so I really value these friendships (even the moderately-close or acquaintances, of which there are a lot.) So I don't want to just brush these friendships aside when I leave. I want to maintain a lot of them once I'm back in the US as well as during my trip, if possible. Keeping up email exchanges, or even better, real letters/packages or phone conversations. I just am not sure how to go about instigating that, and then maintaining it when I'm living across the country.

I'm also struggling with how to wrap things up in my last weeks here. This is my first time moving away from a place when everyone else is staying. (My other two moves were at the end of high school and college.) I want to make sure everyone knows how much they mean to me, especially my closer friends, that I'm quite bummed to leave them, that I really value them and our friendship, and that I hope we'll keep up our friendship across the distance.

How is this done? What should I make sure to do, or to not do? Any fun ideas for how to put a nice ending on my time here? I don't want to just slip away quietly and disappear. I want to stay connected to my friends.

Thanks for your advice. :)

How do deal with a jealous spouse?

Anonymous — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 08:16:35 -0800

How do you deal with a spouse who is jealous of your friendships and family relationships? We are newly married. She is estranged from her parents and siblings. I still get emails or phone calls from family members every 1-2 weeks. She gets upset. I've started taking phonecalls only when she isn't there. Today she told me she read through my email and found recent correspondence with my family. The contents were merely a request for a dinner recipe. She is acting like she is the aggrieved party. How do I deal with this?

I've stopped mentioning their existence as much as possible. I never expected/requested her to visit them on holidays or to have any kind of relationship with them at all.

Side note: my family has problems, but I keep them isolated from my relationship. I don't allow their problems to radically affect my emotional state.

She is also jealous of friendships. Not all my friends are successful, happy people -- but some are. She finds something unacceptable with all of them.

I'm less concerned about keeping these friends (none of them are close) and have spent much less time with them. Now, that she is demanding I cut ties with my family, I wonder if that was a mistake.

Can this friendship between a devout Mormon and a gay man be saved?

tumbleweedjack — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 17:31:21 -0800

Am I really going to lose this very important friendship over politics? One of my best friends is a devout Mormon. I am gay, out, and I have a relationship with his entire family, who up until recently have always struck me as very open-minded compared to other Mormons.
Recently, I used an LA Times tool to see if anyone in neighborhoods where I've lived have donated money for or against California's Proposition 8. Lo and behold, there's my best friend's dad, who has donated $5,000 to support the initiative banning gay marriage. I found this upsetting, and decided to talk to my friend about it the next time I saw him- I was under the impression that being such good friends with me, he would have a different opinion about gay marriage than his father.
Today, a few days after that, I sign in to Facebook and see an invitation from my friend to join a group "iSupportMarriage," urging me to vote YES on Proposition 8.
I sent him a text, indignant that he would have the gall to invite ME to such a group. He said he was sorry that he hurt my feelings, he just invited everyone.

In my opinion, it's bad enough that being best friends with a gay guy isn't enough to make you consider whether you want to ban gay marriage. But then on top of that, he doesn't even have the foresight to understand that he can't invite me to join what I basically consider a hate group against a minority that I belong to. He has said that he doesn't want to lose our friendship over this, but my opinion of him has suddenly, irreversibly changed.

I really feel like his support of Proposition 8 indicates a basic lack of respect for me. It makes me feel like I am his family's token gay friend so they can tell themselves how forward-minded they are.

I guess my question is, is this a friendship worth salvaging? Or is this the kind of situation where I have to lose a great friend, someone that I love, because of politics? What would you do?

How do I matter more to others?

Anonymous — Fri, 30 May 2008 18:32:08 -0800

Is it really true that the more you do for others, the closer you will become? I feel invisible when I help others. I don't feel like anyone really cares about me the way I care about them. The same people who want my support will whine or "forget" when I ask for something. So I don't. No one laughs with me or cries with me, and if I share my passions or thoughts, I am criticized or misunderstood (the sole exception would be professional therapists of course). So I have learned to keep things to myself or to not expect anything more from anyone. I make plans alone, get excited by myself and do for myself. I take care of my own needs, including emotional needs. I cry alone until I feel better, I generate my own excitement and cheer for myself. But I have been told that if I want a better connection with others, I need to focus less on myself and more on them. If that's true I'm willing to try, but I have reason to doubt it.

Just as one example, I am a big cheerleader for the people around me. I support them in their endeavors and focus on the positive more than the negative. People cry on my shoulder and many times have told me how much they appreciate my support and especially the fact that I just believe in them. Well I would like the same thing, I would like to be believed in and for people to be enthusiastic with me. I get that it is my personality to be enthusiastic and hopeful for others when I am engaged with them, but I need it as much as they do. My therapist (amongst many other sources) says that I need to focus more on what I can do for other people and how I am making them feel. But I don't get the link. I think that this will just make them rely on me more and value me for my support which they already do, but why would it make them value me as a person if the focus is all on them? Dale Carnegie said the same sort of thing and I've been using that as gospel for years, but its not enough!

So many people tell me how nice I am and how much they remember what I said or did for them. When do I get to share my values, my passions, my dreams, my disappointments, and actually have someone else care (more than paying lip service and then moving on to a more interesting topic: them)? How could focusing on them even more make the difference?

if you want to email, needyouradviceplease@gmail.com

How do you take homoeroticism to the next level?

captain nemo the dream squire — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 18:18:36 -0800

How do you turn your homoerotic relationship with your best friend into a full-fledged homosexual affair? I mean, you can’t just go straight to sucking cock …

Especially when, for most intents and purposes, you’re just fine with heterosexual relationships. You’ve been dating women for years, find them charming and attractive, usually more so than you do men, whom occasionally you find strapping, but certainly not strapping enough to ever follow-up on your obvious bisexual tendencies.

I just really like my best friend. He’s the coolest. Problem is, I don’t think he’s quite as gay as myself. The other day, in fact, he said, “I’m not gay.” But this was after his hand lightly grazed my thigh. To be fair, I’ve told him the same. We’re not exactly the most forward of men. Meaning, I can’t just ask, “Are you sure? You sure about that?” Because you know what he’d do? He’d begin rubbing himself in a suggestive manner. To be fair, I’ve done the same and just as suggestively. Everything’s always one big joke. So when he says, “You are one of the comelier men I’ve ever feasted my eyes on,” how can I tell if, at least on some level, he really does think I’m comely?

So then, how do you know if someone is more than a little bit gay for you? I do not want to alienate my friend. I do want to make out with him.

Can I be friends with husband's team's spouses?

seekingsimplicity — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 10:54:17 -0800

Is it possible for the wife of a CEO (me) to be good friends with the wives of my husband's management team spouses? We socialize a few times per year and I always sort of feel guarded with them. I like many of them a lot and would like them as friends. Part of me sees it as not a good idea though? Would it compromise my husbands relationships at work? Might there be trust and confidentiality issues? Maybe it is just about how close I get to them? Keeping boundaries as far as what we talk about? Staying away from talk about the company? Would I be able to share important things going on in my life or will it become company gossip---and spread like wildfire? Anyone here have experience with this?

Portrayals of friendship and social circles in books, movies, or essays

salvia — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 21:01:55 -0800

Can you recommend books, movies, or essays with good portrayals of friendships or people's social circles? I'd like to read or watch things with realistic, complex examinations of friendships and people's social circles.

I've been thinking through my idea of friendship (is it too fairytale? is it too detached?), and about how to maintain friendships amidst life's complications (people moving, starting families, getting busy), and about how to make new friends. I've also been struggling with one friendship that is difficult for me right now.

I realized it would help to see how other people saw friendship and their social circle. Can you recommend things to read or watch? Books, short stories, movies, or nonfiction essays are all great.

To spark ideas, here are a few questions I'm interested in -- What does it mean to be friends? What are people's close friendships like? How do people stay friends over the years through ups and downs? What if one person moves away or friends grow apart? What about groups of friends, what are those like? How do other people look at their full circle of both acquaintances and friends? What is it like to be new in town and trying to build a new social network?

How can an attached girl make friends with single guys? Or can she?

Mr Bunnsy — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 20:11:00 -0800

Help a girl make guy friends with a minimum of misunderstandings. (Despite a history of misunderstandings.) I am female, in my late 20s. I am in a committed relationship that is about to temporarily become long-distance. I am about to enter an environment (MBA program) where male students outnumber females three to one. So, I will need (and want) to make friends with my male classmates. However, I've noticed that when interacting with single straight guys, the moment I mention a boyfriend they either lose interest, or act insulted. The former is fine, I guess, if they're only interested in sex/romance we wouldn't work as friends anyway, but the latter is perilous. How can I keep interaction on a friendly level without dropping the "I'm off-limits, buddy" like an anvil, or leading a guy on?

This is starting to sound like one of those "I am so beautiful that men prostrate themselves at my feet wherever I go, what shoes should I wear to minimize tripping over them" questions. It's not - I am of average attractiveness, and have deficient social skills, which is why I call on MeFi for help. I suppose I could limit myself to socializing with women and couples, or in large groups only, but just as I studied for the GMAT I want to study this conundrum of human relations and overcome it.

Some background: I've been in the relationship since college, and did the long-distance thing in college too. I had single guy friends at the time, and all was well, but this was a close-knit social group so everyone knew of other people's relationships by osmosis. Also, everyone was a geek with limited social skills, which was a stable equilibrium. As a girl with geeky interests (sci-fi, video games), I've always had lots of male friends and was sort of surprised to realize that currently I only socialize with women, couples, and gay guys. Possibly due to the aforementioned losing interest/getting insulted effect.

So, why the weirdness and how can I avoid it? In the interest of full disclosure, I do tend to interact with new people in a sarcastic/teasing manner, which I suppose could be interpreted as flirting. I also have ADD, with the attendant ability to hyperfocus, and I tend to hyperfocus upon meeting someone interesting. Meaning that I pay attention to them and ask lots of questions, make a lot of eye contact, and generally am (or try to be) more funny and charming than usual. So that may be perceived as flirtation by guys as well. But I'd hate to just be cold or professional! Is there a middle ground?

How can I give the friendly-but-not-looking-for-more signal, when the proof (boyfriend) is thousands of miles away? How can I tell what kind of signal a conversation parter is giving? Especially if he's from one of the more open/flirtatious cultures of, say, southern Europe? I suspect that most females understand this instinctively, but I clearly have a deficiency.

I get along just fine with colleagues of both sexes, and can socialize at happy hours and work functions, so I am not worried about networking effectively. I just want to make some good friends in the pressure cooker that is b-school, and not cause any weirdness. Please help me, guys and especially other geeky girls. I am American but will be in an international environment so cross-cultural perspectives are also welcome. Be brutal if necessary.

Internet Friends. I'm having a hard time letting go.

Anonymous — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 05:01:37 -0800

I'm at a point in my life where I have to break off some friendships I've made online and am finding it tough. This is a bit complicated, so bear with me. For years I’ve had ongoing problems with my wife because of my phone and internet habits. I don’t want to get graphic, so I’ll just say that I’ve spent more time and money calling phone sex lines, chatting online, or consuming internet pornography than I’d like to admit. She insisted, recently, that this had to stop once and for all because of what it’s doing to our relationship. I know she’s right, and so I’m committed to cutting things like internet porn, phone sex, or online chatting out of my life. These habits weren’t good for my marriage or for me.

But here’s the thing, and where I could use some help. The hitch is that I’ve actually made a handful of good friends online and even (in a couple of cases) on the phone as well. Some of these PSO or internet friends have helped me through difficult times at home or at work, including supporting me through my current marital troubles or my struggles with mental illness (I have bipolar disorder).

And I’ve had some of these friends call or email me to share good news in their lives, or for a shoulder to cry on after the death of a family member, or when they’ve been dealing with their own health problems, among other reasons. I’ve never met these people face to face and almost certainly never will. And the closest friend that I’ve made this way—well, I wouldn’t recognize her if she walked right down the street in front of me, and yet she’s very dear to me. These are all real people.

At this point I’m struggling with losing these friendships. The context in which I “met” these individuals makes it impossible for me to continue these relationships, even if my interactions with these people are no longer about anything sexual. There’s a part of me that feels weird that I’m having trouble breaking off these “virtual” friendships, as if this is different from breaking up with “real” friends.

How does one mourn the loss of internet (or phone) friends? Is it different from losing friendships developed “in person”? Am I weird for finding this so difficult?

Why can't I have normal friendships?

tcv — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 16:25:26 -0800

Why do I feel this way? I apologize for the length of this. This is a desperate attempt to get some understanding around a problem that has plagued me for years. What follows is a chronological account of things. The way it looks to me? I simply can't have friends. I am in my mid-30s and male. Every few years, I am beset by an extreme range of emotions. I feel elated, happy, sad, angry, suicidal, hopeless all at once. This conflict causes me extreme stress. I feel out of control and only have the most tenuous hold on my personal and professional lives as a result during this.

Around the age of 14, I decided to stop going to school. Most days were filled with a constant teasing that I finally couldn't take anymore. There wasn't anything particularly different about me. I was overweight and a geek, but fairly normal otherwise. But unlike some kids that might play hooky, I decided to stay home. So, for the next half year or so, I rarely left my room. My parents pleaded with me every morning to go to school, but I would not do it. Eventually, the state jumped in a said that I needed to go to school or into a mental health facility. I had been seeing a social worker for a bit up until that point, but after the letter from the state, I saw a psychiatrist who put me on an anti-depressant (Pamelor) and an anti-anxietypill (Xanax). He diagnosed me with an "anxiety disorder" and developing "agoraphobia" and placed me into a metal hospital where I spent seven months.

Up until my time in the hospital, I had very few friends. I had neighborhood friends but they quickly determined that they could easily push me by announcing they would "break up friends." This meant they wouldn't see me anymore and it always devastated me. At one point, I had two friends at one end of the block and another up the same block and they would routinely ping-pong me with that phrase. I don't blame them. I allowed this to happen.

By the time I had entered the hospital, I had zero friends. The only people I knew were on BBSs and I chronicled a lot of what was happening on a BBS I ran at the time. A couple of people took pity on me and I felt connected to them. Of course, I had to shut down the board when I entered the hospital so I never really knew them and never talked to them again.

Part of my program in the hospital was forced socializing. This was good and necessary, but wasn't easy. It led me to the first encounter with the troubles I have today. One of the female staff members came into my room one evening to socialize with me a bit. She wanted to pull me out of the room for socializing. I don't really recall the content of the conversation, but I do recall that I left the room and went into the Day Room. Nothing else really ever came of that particular conversation.

But I changed. Radically. I started to feel, the best as I can describe it, a "crush" toward this person. I would feel a whole mix of emotions: anxiety, anger, love (what I thought), hatred, happiness, attractive, desired, sadness, yearning, dread, etc., etc. I wanted to be enveloped by this person. To be swallowed whole, in a sense, and be secure. I talked about it very openly at the time, but my doctor and the staff members said this was my attempting to stay away from my true work at the hospital. I accepted that as an answer, but with the emotions it was very difficult to ignore.

Eventually, the person I had fixated on would leave the unit (hopefully not because of me). On one of her last nights, she spoke to me and told me that nothing would ever happened between us. Even though I knew this on an intellectual level up until that point, I didn't accept it on an emotional level until she said that. I bawled the entire night, but in the morning I was better.

I did not understand the trauma, however, which is why I experienced it again in short order. This time it was directed toward a very nice art therapy instructor. Unlike the previous person who really tried to push the conversation in other directions, this person listened to me about it and tried to have sympathy. In retrospect, she didn't understand it and it wasn't really her job to do so anyway. She just accepted that I needed to hug her and needed to tell her that I loved her without responding in kind. She, too, eventually left the unit and the last day she gave me a very large hug. I remember that moment distinctly because it was at the beginning of a group therapy session. We hugged. I sat down and cried so heavily I hid my face and kept on until the session was nearly over.

Shortly thereafter, through a snafu, I wound up in music therapy alone with a female instructor. I can remember the horror on my doctor's face when he came to get me for a session and saw me alone with this person. He made it clear to me and the staff that my being in that type of environment was very inappropriate and it would stop. It did. I left the hospital a few weeks later.

Leaving the hospital was very tough. I didn't really learn about self-esteem or relationships inside. Oh sure, I did, but it was the type of relationship where you could say anything and express anything without awkwardness or repercussion. Certainly not what one gets on the Outside. But I did get better. I was able to keep friends for extended periods of time. I learned how to speak up for myself and did better in school. I never gained long-lasting friends, but I was more normal than I had ever been. I even dated a couple of people casually.

Still, relationships -- friendly or otherwise -- were very rocky for me. For one thing, everyone I knew before the hospital never appeared on my doorstep again. I didn't try to find them either. So, I tried new folks but was always worried that they would drop me at any moment -- "break up friends," as it were. My two forays into casual dating had me wanting to become serious hours into the relationship. In one case, the person took it on and I nearly harmed myself. She desperately wanted to be pregnant to get away from an abusive mother. In the second case, the girl simply said, "Uh, no." I remember one other attempted date situation where I thought the best way to endear myself to the person -- or engender some pity -- was to tell her about my past. This, of course, freaked her out and she never spoke to me again.

Perhaps 4 years later, I was in a marriage to someone I had dated for two years. In general, I wasn't very happy with the marriage, but I didn't feel that way at the time. I felt a bit stagnant in my career and frustrated in general, but I didn't chalk it up to marriage issues. My wife's family was very sociable and happy and I worked in a firm where my brother-in-law happened to be a partner. (Total coincidence, for whatever it's worth.) My sister-in-law (my wife's sister) started to work for the firm, a very cute, attractive mother of three. She flirted with me and another person during most of the hours she worked. Nothing racy or provacative, mind you, but it was flirting. Even in retrospect, I think so and the other target of said flirting responded in kind.

At first, it excited me. I felt attractive, something which is very foreign to me. But eventually those feelings went directly into the "crush" type feelings I had experienced so many years before. I felt all the emotions as before, except something new that still hurts me today: shame. I hestiated to tell anyone and it took several months before I would go back to therapy. Of course, keeping it all in just made it worse, but letting it out did no better either. By the end of it all, I had spoken in therapy about it and with my wife.

I tried hard to get through it, but with no success and no answers. Every day, I would go into work full of extreme distress, timidly asking my brother-in-law if his wife were coming. If she wasn't, it was a greatrelief. If she were to show, I kept one eye on my work and one on the door and every single minute was agony. My boss noticed my distracted demeanor and I nearly burst into tears in front of him.

At some point, I lost the ability to cope. I spoke with my wife about divorce, which we both agreed to. I separated from her, quit myjob, and I moved to live with friends in a very remote part of Kansas. I ran away. Truly.

In Kansas I spoke openly about it with one of the friends there and told him that I felt fundamentally broken. I felt as if I could not have normal relationships due to some physiological condition that I could not resolve. While I did not ask him so directly, I requested that he assist me in commiting suicide. He declined, which was probably a good idea.

I was only in Kansas for a few months, moving back to take a new job. This was a pretty stable moment in my life except for one incident in which I happened to see the former target of my crush while driving one day. She passed in front of my car. I was driving, my boss was the passenger. He was a really nice guy and we got to know each other well enough that he knew I was having relationship issues. When I saw this person, I immediately broke into a sweat and lost my ability to think straight. I started to pull into traffic when my boss yelled at me to stop. I regained myself but felt emotionally shaken for days afterward.

About a year after moving back home, I met someone and we married in six months. I am married to her today. The relationship, while mundane and well past any infatuation, is normal. She's a good fit for me and I for her. Sure, there are things I wish she would change and things I wish I could change for myself, but I _think_ this is normal.

About two years after our marriage, I met a woman at a place I worked who was frustrated because her boyfriend would not commit to marriage. She confided in me through many late nights working with her alone. In time, I felt the crush and confessed to my wife what was happening. She felt threatened, but ultimately did not react badly. I explained it to her as an emotional problem -- which I suppose it is -- and she accepted my resolution to get to the bottom of it. Once again in therapy, this time with a different person, I worked on it to no avail. I eventually left that job and her for another job.

I have felt this way four times again since then. In each case, the person confides in me something intimate about themselves. They like me, so I think, and I respond in kind with intimate details, though more guardedly than in the past. Eventually I start to feel scared and then the feelings start in. In therapy, the best I've been able to come up with is to try to recognize the warning signs and to stay away from those people or situations. In one situation, with a person who was heavily complaining about not being around enough "men" when her husband was away, and nearly losing her skirt once while I was there, I was able to apply avoidance successfully. This was a business relationship and I had no need to make her a friend, so it was easier to compartmentalize it, I think.Still there was another who I attempted to take care of while she was dying of cancer. I didn't go away that time, but she did.

I think it a very big strength that I feel emotions strongly and that I can foster relationships with women that are, perhaps, beyond the norm for men and women. My best friendships are with people who can be emotional. In fact, despite my past, I seem to do well socializing nowadays. I worked for several years in my own business and made a lot of very loyal friends. I seem to connect with people and I don't know why. Today I just make friends easier. I take risks socially. I joke and speak publicly often. I got to parties and mingle with ease. I have friends and family who love me and, what's very new to me, I feel love from them.

But it feels like emotions -- what seems to endear people to me -- is what's destroying me when I feel crushes.

Today I am in this very same situation and am experiencing the full range of emotions. My wife and I have talked about it. This new target is a great friend. She loves me and has told me so. I try not to respond in kind. But it's the same situation. She's confiding in me about things that are intimate. They're just normal frustrations for a married woman with two kids. Nothing out of the ordinary. A little flirting, but it's harmless to her. I can feel the emotions building up in me, causing me stress. I am caring less about my work and am feeling weepy all the time. Each time I fall into this, the stakes are a lot higher. I have more to lose. But I feel that the only way I can cope is to run away. Again. I like her a lot and just want to be normal with her.

There are some common traits among the woman: They're typically unavailable (whether I'm unavailable or they are), attractive to me physically, caring in some fashion (though they may seem distant to some people), and they consider me a real friend.

Has anyone, for the love of God, experienced anything like this. Is there a way for me to cope? Can someone suggest a style of therapy that might help me? Am I doomed to be mostly friendless?

Making friends when you (basically) have none

scarlet — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 22:06:16 -0800

How do you make new friends, when you have no circle of friends? Over the past year, I've basically lost my circle of friends (graduation, moving, whathaveyou). Right now, I'd say I have about two close friends, and some scattered people-I-kinda-know around town.

Lately I've met some interesting people here and there, but I have no idea how to parlay these new acquaintances into friends. In the past, I'd just invite some friends over, and invite the new person, too. Now, without a circle of friends, it just seems too awkward to say, "hey, want to come over and hang out with me and ... myself?"

So, is there a good way to make friends, one at a time? Is there something that two people, who are acquainted but not yet "friends," could go do as a party of two? Or should you always take great pains to invite someone along, even if you don't know the someone very well, either?