Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with friendship

How should I move forward?

Anonymous — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 20:13:04 -0800

The New Year is approaching and I need some guidance on how to move forward with my life. I’m 27, male, straight, and British. I’ve only ever been in one relationship, kissed one person, and had one sexual partner. That relationship lasted from age 14 to 23 and included some long-distance time, and several years of living together and studying at the same university. Since then I’ve been completely single (no dates, no kisses etc), and I’ve also been socially isolated (no friends, unstable employment). I’ve also been depressed at varying levels of severity for who knows how long (the first serious episode being around 2004). I’m currently studying part-time, employed part-time, am trying anti-depressants, and am living with my parents.

Recently I’ve been feeling somewhat less depressed (though still moderately so), much more capable, and somewhat less socially anxious. I also have a few regular acquaintances through my studies (not friends by any means, but nice acquaintances). Also, I’ve gradually been becoming more interested in girls again. Specifically, I’ve been missing the intimacy (emotional and physical) of being in a relationship and have been feeling romantically wistful, lonely even. I rarely, if ever, receive any flirtatious signals from women and it’s clear that if I’m ever to meet someone I’ll have to take a more active approach than I ever have before. Things being as they are, I’d like to do this as gradually and tentatively as possible (in order to take care of myself as well as possible, and to work through my anxieties). My previous relationship taught me a lot of things, but I’ve changed so much in the last few years that in many ways I’m a very different person now. There’s little from that time in my life that can tell me how to move forward now.

In terms of my personal qualities, I’m essentially a good and kind person, quiet-natured, soft-hearted, and shy. Obviously, I have some problems, but I have a lot of good qualities as well. I’m a little arty, a little literary, a little pop-culturey, a little geeky, have a really good sense of humour, and people tell me I’m very intelligent. In person I think I come across as a fairly confident and capable, if rather quiet, man. I tend to keep people at a distance and I find it difficult to open up to others, perhaps for fear of rejection or negative judgement. I tend to crush easily on girls but have difficulty interacting with people whom I’m attracted towards.

Anyway, I’m sorry for writing so much and if my writing voice annoys you (as it does me), but if you have anything to say that might help me I’d be very grateful. It’s hard to boil this down to a specific question, so maybe we could start with these. Please try to read between them as much as possible.

- How should I begin working towards meeting women?
- How should I cope with my anxiety when interacting with women?
- How should I deal with my sexual and social inexperience?
- If you have been in a similar position to me, what has happened since?
- How do people make friends?
- How is it possible to open up to someone when talking, writing, or any form of personal expression feels like a distorted compression of the inner consciousness? (That sounds so pretentious – I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry! If you know what I mean, you know what I mean.)
- If you’ve been depressed or anxious for some time, tell me about the steps you took socially and romantically as you moved towards wellness.

Thank you so much.
(disposable: itoocannotthinkofausername@googlemail.com)

PS: I know - therapy, therapy, therapy! Maybe in the Spring.

Letting go of a friend...

The1andonly — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 09:44:59 -0800

One of my closest friends and I have been growing increasingly apart for the last couple of years. I am perfectly ok with this and understand that as people grow older relationships change. However, for the last year or so his behavior has grown increasingly intolerable and after a recent argument I am wondering if its worth just getting rid of the relationship altogether....Apologies in advance for the length of this post which includes facebook drama, jealous girlfriend and tales of extreme introversion. My friend X and I met a number of years ago while we were both in high school. Initially we shared many things in common but as we have gotten older things (not surprisingly) have changed. I have no problems with our relationship changing, but it seems that for X things never happen to go his way and accordingly he has become a very draining and negative person. Worst of all he is always projecting this negative attitude to others especially me. Whereas I am the type of person that thinks could do everything X is always playing it safe and advising me to do the same. I do not mind getting his point of view on things but throughout the years he has always discouraged me from taking risks or doing the things that ended up being beneficial for me such as making music or leaving my job and looking for a better one.

As his outlook in life becomes increasingly limited mine expands....On top of this, X has grown up to become extremely introverted and I am (was?) his only real friend. For the last two years or so it has become extremely difficult just to get a simple conversation going over the phone, as with him is either hit or miss, either I catch him on a good day or he just has nothing to say. Furthermore when I have any problems or major decisions, he either has nothing to say about them (his usual response is "it is what it is"), or just never supports me in taking risks or following my dreams.

I have grown to understand that this is how X is. I have therefore made new more positive friends, usually look for advice with other people and for the most part have limited our relationship to talking on the phone two or three times a week (when he feels like talking that is). X got into a relationship about a year ago and that has kept him occupied so for the most part this has worked out fine aside from little issues that we have here and there....however the following happened yesterday:

I gave X a call and found him to be even more reticent than usual. A few minutes after we started talking he starts giving me an attitude and I am like ok X what is wrong? Well it turns out that about a month ago a couple of female friends came from Florida and asked us to have dinner with them. We have been friends with these girls for about 5 or 6 years now and there has never been any type of romantic bond between us as they just happened to be part of our circle of friends. These girls also happened to be in relationships/engaged at the time so it was definitely a very friendly meet in a family restaurant. During dinner I took some pictures of the group and there were a couple of funny pictures where X tried hiding his face and so did the girls. Two days ago I posted up the pictures in facebook thinking that they were going to be pretty funny and worse comes to worse someone was going to "Dude I look horrible in those pics, please take them down". This was the reaction from everybody in the group except X who was extremely mad at me because his girlfriend got extremely jealous after seeing the pics and not recognizing who the girls were. Apparently, because X is hiding his face this makes him look "guilty" of something and she was very mad at him for this. I told X, dude you can tell her these were your friends, and those friends can corroborate their identity, X does not agree with me, saying the pics look offensive and that it was insensitive of me to put them up.

I offered to take the pictures down and asked him if there was anything else he needed from me and he said nothing. We then hung up apparently in bad terms.

I am extremely disappointed with the turn of events. If X had just asked me to take the pictures down without giving me an attitude or talking to me in accusatory language I would have just apologized and obliged with the request....I feel that this latest argument gives me the best opportunity to do away with the relationship altogether. However, X and myself are part of the same social circle (which at this point mostly talks to me),my family is friends with him, as I am friends with his family.....I am not sure what is the best course of action, do I just stop talking to him (probably causing issues/friction as we are liable to come across each other in some way) or is there some way to further distance myself while keeping civil (and for this I guess I would have to apologize to him, for putting the pictures up, which I think is ludicrous but perhaps necessary)...Also I realize things cannot possibly be all that black and white..X does have some positive features (which my anger at him does not allow me to remember) and he has been there for me in tough times (especially after a painful break-up about two years ago)

Metafilter, what is the best way to go about this? Should I just let this be?

How do I deal with a good friend picking the ex over me?

inmediasres — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 19:35:51 -0800

Non-mutual, unexpected break-up. Two months later, still working on getting over it. Bigger issue: Our mutual friend and their now-thriving friendship. (Sorry if this is long...)
I met ex through our mutual friend, a friend who was MUCH more mine than his. (She told him if he ever messed it up, she was on my side.) Post-break up, I'm having a rough time, and I have confided in her multiple times. After sensing some hesitation and awkwardness from her about it, I stopped contacting her. She, in two weeks, did not reach out to me at all.

She and my ex still interact regularly and publicly on facebook. I’ve had to hide her, because he comments so frequently. And the first and only picture she’s ever put up of him was after our break up (and prompted this question). She and I have gotten together socially once recently with another friend to exchange Christmas gifts, and have had one very superficial conversation since.

The ex was not a “bad guy” but it was a relationship that was going in a serious direction. He very unexpectedly bailed and then got involved with someone else a few weeks after, and I am still very hurt. He and I are “no contact” and were together for almost a year. (He’s 24, I’m 25.)

I know I can’t ask her to stop being friends with him, but I’m not sure what to do. She has been a pretty good friend of mine, but this situation doesn't sit well with me. Should I just cut off contact for now? Should I pretend everything is ok? Do I talk to her about it? What do I even say?

You are talented in many ways. In bed.

iamkimiam — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 15:15:15 -0800

Give me your best fortunes! I bought some beautiful ceramic fortune cookies to give as holiday gifts this year. I need some good fortunes to put inside them. I'm looking for short phrases that are sweet and funny. Nothing directly sexual or romantic, but bonus if they sound better with 'in bed' at the end.

Friends shouldn't have an expiry date

Anonymous — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 14:54:49 -0800

I can't seem to keep any friends for more than two years. Why do I do this and how can I stop? (somewhat long, sorry) I don't have very many friends, but I tend to be very close to the four or five that I have at any given time, and we form into some sort of a group or circle. But almost inevitably, within two years or so, I find myself feeling like I'm tired of them or I've grown away from them, a new group of friends comes along, and the old one gets ditched (sometimes those first two events happen the other way around).

The thing is, I'm not sure that I really am tired of them. There have been groups where I can tell, objectively, that they are not as good to/for me as my old group, and yet when that two-year mark rolls along I suddenly want to spend all my time with the new people and end up treating the old ones like so much rubbish. I changed schools a lot when I was a kid - pretty much every year or every two years - so I never really have had a friend for longer than this time limit (except one; we've been friends 6 years. But she is the only one).

This question was precipitated by one of my most recent old-group friends sitting me down and telling me that I've barely been around at all, it feels like I'm blowing them off a lot of the time, they have no clue what's going on with me and I'm not saying anything. I've been really busy as a thesis student in a lab, so it hasn't been entirely this abandonment thing, but it's true that when I do have a little bit of spare time I try and spend it with my new friends or my new boyfriend (who, for the purposes of this question, I will count as a "friend", since I met him along with this new group).

On the one hand, I do still want to be friends with my old group, because they're really great people and probably better friends than the new group, who I only met through a joint project. On the other hand, I really don't seem to enjoy spending time with the old group the way I used to, and not nearly as much as I do time with the new group. On the gripping hand, what am I supposed to do or say? "Yeah, I've replaced you guys with new people"? "No, I still want to be friends, I'm just never going to put you guys first, and when I do hang out with you, I'm not going to have much fun"?

All of these feel like cruel and despicable things to say or even think. I'm beginning to feel like I shouldn't make friends anymore, if I'm just going to end up treating them like crap in a couple of years. Is this something that I can ever fix? How do I stop being a horrible person? Thank you for any help you can give; the guilt is crushing me right now. Throwaway email at iamfailfriend@gmail.com, if you'd rather answer there or want more info.

Should I let my housemate know where he stands?

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:50:20 -0800

Knowing that two of my housemates plan to leave the third one high and dry, while he has no idea about it, do I tell him? Or is this a breach of trust to them? I've been sharing a house with four friends for about a year and a half this christmas. Three of them already lived together (and had been for some time) and one moved in after me. For the first year or so, we all got on really well, but lately things have started getting really strained. One of the housemates who I get on particularly well with is moving out of the country in the next few months, and two housemates who've been living together for about five years have really soured in their feelings to one another, they argue about stupid things, bitch about one another constantly, and pick at one another for no good reason, but at the same time they're officially best friends.

I've been thinking about moving out when our contract is up for a while, and a few days ago I started making arrangements with other people about somewhere to live next year, having started this, and not wanting to leave my housemates with an empty room, a bump in rent, and no warning, I mentioned to one of the housemates who are always fighting that I was unlikely to renew my contract the next year. It was at this point that he told me he was planning on moving away from his best friend with our other housemate at the same time.

Considering how much their relationship has soured, I think this is a great idea, and I think it'll do them both good to get away from one another. At the same time, however, in talking to him it became obvious to me just how much of this has already been planned, they've looked at houses, debating moving early and sticking my other housemate and I with the remainder of the contract and rent there's no way we'll be able to pay, and honestly the way he was talking about it came across to me as that he just wanted to put our other housemate in a position where he won't have the time to organize something else that he can afford and will be forced to go home and live with his parents, since right now he's only living off housing benefits and a small amount of money he earns singing every week.

Again, I think our other housemate probably should go home to his parents, It's probably the sensible thing for him to do, but I don't think that it's right for him to have his hand forced because someone who's supposed to be his best friend doesn't approve of his lifestyle.

I've mentioned to this housemate that I'm moving away at the end of the year, and hinted that with our other friend going to America, it's possible he should think about his options and what he'll do next year, but he dismissed the question without any doubt at all, he's certain that there'll still be three people in the house because he believes his best friend to be too apathetic to actually move anywhere else.

Despite the fact that recently both of these guys and their issues have really been driving me nuts, we are still friends, and I really don't want to see either of them get fucked over here. On the one hand, I don't want to sell out the one who wants to leave, because he's got a lot of legitimate issues with the other guy, and I DO think they should get away from each other for a bit, but on the other hand? I'm concerned that his existing resentment means that he'll be a real prick about all of this, and will either try to use it as a way of hurting the other guy emotionally, or forcing him to do what he thinks he should do with his life, by leaving it too late to give him a chance to find other housemates or a cheaper place to live. Is it even my place to say anything? I mean, he knows that some people are leaving, I've not been at all secretive about what I want to do next year, and while we are friends, his history with this other guy predates that by a LOT.

Any advice on this would be welcome. I'm really pretty stressed out about this.

Should I date other people while involved in a long-distance relationship?

ajarbaday — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 15:54:56 -0800

I've been in a long-distance relationship for five years, we'll call him "M." It is a damn challenge. During those five years, M and I have gone back and forth between an open relationship, not a relationship, and a long-distance relationship. We've both dated other people, but never gotten serious about anyone else. I just started dating someone, "J." Do I need to tell J about M? And should I even be dating other people? (Asking a question for a friend filter)
M has recently finished school and has been talking about finding a job closer to me. I am excited but also scared because it's going to change the relationship a lot. It'll make it real. This is the first time that living together could be in the immediate future instead of the distant future. We met in college, dated for a year, and then went our separate ways only to reconnect every few months. We've been through a lot and I feel pretty serious about him. But the fact that we've allowed each other to date other people has led to a lot of jealousy and hurt feelings.

I haven't gotten real serious about J, but am hesitant to break it off with him because M's plans are still tentative. In fact, until M said he would be moving nearby, I was ready to say that now would be a good time to end things with M. M knows I am seeing someone right now but is fine with this as long as, if he were to move to my area, I would end that relationship.

This all just seems like a messy recipe for heartbreak for all parties. I am tired of dating other people only casually but still feel strongly for M.

So, what should I do? Should I continue dating other people? Tell J about M?

How should I act toward a female friend after she rejected my romantic advance?

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 11:30:27 -0800

I'm ashamed to say that, even though I'm in my mid 20s, I'm still very inexperience at this relationship thing. Recently I just met this amazing girl who I really like. Unfortunately, after trying for couple months thing didn't worked out. She rejected my advance citing I'm not acting the way she thought I should, and she found another guy she really like. Now what? So far what I had done is try to be friend with her. We still go out for dinner and etc. At this point I'm not romantically interested in her anymore because I realized we are not compatible and I don't want to go crazy thinking about her everyday. Today she mentioned to me that I changed into another person. I'm not the same as when I'm still pursuing her. I would reject her invitation to road trips and "not as nice" to her as before . She doesn't like it. I'm not too happy to hear that because I don't feel I changed into another person just because she's no longer my romantic interest. I'm still trying very hard to just be her "friend" instead of the guy who is infatuated with her. What should I do now?

Getting space from a high-drama friend

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 10:00:32 -0800

I've decided to distance myself from a high-drama friend. How can I transition from close friends to distant friends, with a minimum of unhappiness for both of us? I met "Joanna" last year through a shared circle of friends. She's fun and has a uniquely magnetic personality. We became pretty close girlfriends.

The thing is, friendship with her contains a lot of drama. She's prone to flakiness, rapidly shifting moods, and dark thoughts. When we make plans, I don't know if she'll bail. When we talk, sometimes her bouts of deep depression will drain me. When she tells me things, I'm not sure whether if it'll be thrown out the window when her mood changes in a few hours. I've made my frustration known to her after individual incidents in the past.

She's gone through terrible things in her life, and is working with a therapist now. I care for her, but have decided to cut down on the frequency of our interactions, for my own peace of mind. I need help with a couple situations:

1. If she probes for why, or drops hints about not being invited to something, what do I say? I don't want to go into the reasons, because it'll be hard to avoid making her feel rejected. Is there a way to get out of answering?

2. In situations where it'd be an obvious omission to leave her off the invite list (e.g. I've invited five of our common friends), should I go ahead and invite her anyway? It feels bad to be overtly rude / excluding, but the current situation feels bad too.

(Btw we are both in our 30s, in case this matters.)

Friendship SNAFU

Anonymous — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 09:39:25 -0800

How do I rectify this friendship and change? So, to sum up my problem right now: I have a nasty habit of treating the few friends I have like my therapists. I've always had trouble making friends, and a lot of the few friendships I have had usually ended with that due to having no one else to talk to.

The most recent happened a few days ago. I met this guy over the summer, and we talked online a lot, but only met in person a couple of times. I felt we clicked, and I wanted to get to know him better as a friend, and I feel that--for a while, at least--the feeling was mutual.

But over the past few weeks or so I've been getting really stressed and anxious about a variety of factors, namely job searching. Since I don't have many friends, and I have trouble making them, he was the one real person I could talk to, and thus received the brunt of my worries. A few nights ago, he got fed up and told me that he needed some time to not deal with me. He told me he was concerned about my mental health, but frustrated at how I kept thrusting all my problems at him, and asked me what my idea of friendship was when I asked if we were still friends.

When he told me that he wanted a break, I became worried that he would never speak to me again (I've had that happen) but he assured me that he would talk to me again at some point, he just needed some time, and would contact me when he wanted to talk. I know I should take what he's saying at face value, because I know that rationally, I have no reason to suspect that he could be lying. But I'm still afraid that I'll never hear from him again, which sucks because then it would be just another friendship in the long line of ones that I've fucked up. And again, it would be even more of a shame because we never got to really know each other, and I wanted to, and I was sure he wanted to.

I've since decided to see a therapist. I feel like it will help, and I'm also committed to changing my behaviors and making this work. But I miss him, and I'm paranoid that I've fucked this up good. I know the easiest way to get over this is to try and make new friends, but believe me when I say that for me, that is much, much easier said than done. I feel like I'm the only person who's ever been in this situation, and so I feel like a huge, guilty douche.

So: how do I stop treating my friends as therapists and start treating them as friends? It sounds weird, but I don't know how to do that. Is it possible to rectify this situation? How do I do that? Help me, AskMe!

How can I salvage a friendship when I can't be around her boyfriend?

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 17:09:48 -0800

How do I salvage a friendship in an awkward situation? I live in a house with many people. One of our former housemates, my friend, let's call her P, came back to visit with her boyfriend, who she now lives with in another country.

While they were here, P's boyfriend did something that really upset another person living here, call her M. Without going into too many details, M has some mental health struggles that have made her difficult to live with. The boyfriend, while drunk, confronted M about how she has been really difficult, and he really violated her boundaries. Because M is struggling with issues from past trauma, she freaked out.

M's reaction might not be how another person would have reacted, but the boyfriend acknowledged that he crossed the line. He has done other things to make people uncomfortable in the past, always while drunk.

Because of this, mostly at my urging because I feared that I could not trust P's boyfriend when he drinks, which is often, we decided that P's boyfriend should not be allowed in our house again. M no longer lives here, she is elsewhere sorting herself out.

We communicated to P's boyfriend in an email that I did not write. I meant to write to P at the same time and tell her that this isn't about her and I still value her friendship. But because my work was so hectic this week I forgot to do that.

Now P has written an email to all of us in the house, and it's clear she's upset. I feel bad because I don't think I did a good job as her friend communicating with her.

So what do I do now to make amends and try to salvage my friendship with P, especially given that if they ever come to visit again, her boyfriend can't stay here? Even if it's not possible for her to want to be my friend in this situation, I want to do my best to be kind to her and make her feel welcome.

Is it stupid to break up friendships over boys?

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 09:38:06 -0800

Broken heart / long story filter. My best friend and my love interest got together, though they both knew of my feelings. My friend wants my forgiveness, but I'm still pissed. She was my confidante and I trusted her. Now I don't think I can trust her again, and I have fantasies about her getting her heart broken. How can I move on from this? Should I let them back in my life? Okay, I’ve tried to keep this as brief as possible. We were living in a communal situation (a la “The Real World), I had recently gotten physical with this boy and told him how I felt (he demurred, saying that while he loved me, he wasn’t ready to have romantic feelings after a bad break-up). My friend had been my confidante, and we had known each other for years (she was the one that urged me to tell him how I felt). I knew that I didn’t trust this boy with my romantic feelings (since we had been close friends for a while I saw how he was a big flirt and kind of led people along, but still, nothing like first-hand experience).
I realize that these things happen to people. I hope that they break each other’s heart, honestly. But I guess my question is what I should do about my best friend. My gut reaction is to exorcise her from my life, but I realize that people mistakes and especially in romance. Still, I guess what really bothers me about the situation is that she would hang out with us, I would notice the boy and her flirting, and I felt silly for thinking something was happening, since I had just told the boy how I felt. Finally, when I confronted her, she told me the truth – that they had confessed their feelings. She promised me that nothing would happen, that our friendship was more important than the boy. Not more than twelve hours later, she revealed they had kissed. She said that she couldn’t stay away from him, and they proceeded to start hanging out constantly, in the place where I lived, without much respect for me. Meanwhile she was still trying to talk to me and was crying and upset that I was pissed. I really really tried to be magnanamious, but I would see them together (all the time, since this was a communal situation) and I would get really mad. So eventually we went our separate ways. Since then, they continue to date, and I continue to be confused.
She’s sent me a few e-mails, but they kinda made me more angry. She said that she continued to hang out with him because she was “drawn to happiness and joy in her life, and couldn’t take sorrow and frustration”. And that she wished I was part of her family, etc.
Should I give the girl another chance in my life? Or is it okay to just leave her out of my life for a while? How do I get rid of the terrible feelings I have about them? I am happy to hear any philosophical, psychological, or otherwise abstract answers in the realm of people and relationships.

Help! Need advice for giving friend advice!!

Hydrofiend — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:24:00 -0800

How do I tell my friend the truth in a way that she can hear it, then take what she can from it and do what feels right to her? One of my closest and dearest friends believes me to be insightful and intuitive. I believe the same of her. She's been dating someone who she hoped I would meet and give her my "take" on because she feels I will not only be honest but be correct in my assessment. I met him this weekend. I LOVE her, she is my dog, my ace, my girl, the person I can tell all kinds of crazy shit to without judgement (I am very lucky to have her as a friend.) Love for the dude, not so much. Well, not that I don't like him...here's the story, backwards. My first impression is he's nice...to her. He is very attentive, stares at her with stars in his eyes and clearly wants to be a husband and daddy. It's obvious he wants to fill her every desire or need. To me, he's trying way too hard and that it might come from a place of desperation. Spending time with him, I feel he thinks she will save him in some way. From his demons or fear of being alone....I don't know. My issue is that I'm not sure whether his desire has anything to do with my friend as a person or if that's his goal and he's gonna get it however he can. I know she has the same concern but it's difficult to turn down someone who wants to wash your dishes and make love to you until the cows come home even though you are not sure whether you want that with them in the long run.
The thing is, my friend deserves to have someone look at her with stars in his eyes. She deserves someone who wants to make babies with her. She deserves all that she desires but.....homeboy seems a little off to me. He seems to have a fantasy in his head about whatever it is he thinks a relationship should be and, to me, that's not fair to my friend. She is fantastic sans fantasy and deserves someone who sees that. I get that we all have an idea of what it is we think we want when we think about loving someone for the rest of our lives but shouldn't that be based on the actual person whom we are thinking of spending the rest of our lives with? ("Starry Eyes" has expressed his love for her, his desire to live with and make a life with her....all good things if both people feel the same way. Not to mention they've known each other for about 6 months. The 1st few wrought with some drama, see below.)

OK, some of the messiness:

Their shit:
-My friend got out of a 2.5 year relationship shortly after meeting "Starry Eyes". (like literally a few weeks. She wasn't looking but apparently he was and he persued her consistently)

-She still has unresolved feelings for her ex and has made that clear to "Starry Eyes". She's been working through it but for the past months also beginning a relationship with "Starry Eyes".

-"Starry Eyes" was engaged in an open relationship when persuing my friend. (but apparently "open" meant just fucking, not falling in love)

-When he got caught with my friend by his fiance, he ended his engagement-the confrontation ended it, went into therapy and moved out. (He has subsequently made other decisions for My friend, complying to her wants and desires. Good on a whole but troublesome in that he didn't make these choices on his own , prior to meeting her)

-My friend has been honest with him about where she's at in terms of being in a relationship. He has told her he will wait.

My Shit:
-I'm fresh out of a stream of jacked up relationships, some involving infidelity on both ends. I'm pretty sensitive about the subject and can smell shenanigans a mile away now that I recognize the hows and whys to relationships involving such behavior.

-I'm a little jaded right now and not really feeling like I know jack shit about how to make a healthy relationship happen (in therapy thank you very much.)

-I've been in situations similar and have since realized that although shit like this happens, is bound to happen in your late 30's, it doesn't mean that you HAVE to build a relationship based on such shit. And, if you do choose to, all parties need to be clear and communicative.

My friend wants my input and advice. She asked me what I thought when "Starry Eyes"wasn't around and I told her not to ask just yet. She knows me and I know her-well. It's gonna be a long conversation. She's been grappling with her thoughts about this relationship for a while now. I love her and want to be honest with her but am trying to figure out the best way to say what I mean given my own issues right now. I know life can be grey and messy. Things are not always clear-cut and tied with a pretty bow. But I am still working through my own shit to discover what that all means to me.

I tend to romanticize in general but am in a real realist mood. How can I communicate to her what I sense about "Starry Eyes" yet express to her that it is clouded by my own sense of romantic relationships right now? Who knows, they may make it through and decide to move on in relationship. I just don't want my input to make her make a decision that might not be right for her but I also want her to pick up what I'm putting down. Oy! Help!!!

Where can I meet fellow grad students?

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:27:11 -0800

Where can I go to meet cool UT grad students in Austin. I am a grad student at UT in Austin in a field full of professional types. Think business, law, public affairs. In college, I had friends from a variety of areas, including creative types (arts, film, music) and science people. I miss this, but my program is very insular. Where do the grad students hang out around campus or in the city? Seeking the ability to meet a variety of people. I need friends outside of my program, and grad students are great because we have similar lifestyles, spend a lot of time on campus, etc. It would also be nice to have a dating pool one day that is not in my same school. I am 25, if that helps. Thanks!

Sorry for your loss and by the way you're a terrible person

green_flash — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:48:55 -0800

I've been told that it's not uncommon for friends to either ignore or drop you after you've been through the process of death/dying of a loved one. Good or bad, sometimes people just can't deal with that type of situation. However I've had 2 friends in recent months go off on me, tell me that I'm a terrible person, and that I'd said/done something that offended me so much that they don't want to be my friend anymore. Both accusations took me by surprise and I'm now wondering, did they wait to say anything to me until after my loved one passed? I just spent a really long and really draining/sad period of my life taking care of a dying family member. The grief process is hard and I'm learning that besides missing this person and the frustration of taking care of them, I have a lot of anger/depression just from watching them die painfully and before their time. I'm not the easiest person in the world to be around, but I've had a lot of wonderful people reach out to me to let me know that they've been through this experience and I will too. It's also been hard because like most people, I'm worried about what the economy could do to my job and I also just went through a cancer scare (false positive thank God). So I can be sarcastic, depressed and moody, but most people have told me that under the circumstances, it's a completely normal reaction.

However in the recent months since this death, I've had two different friends go off on me about things I've said/done and how I'm just a terrible/insensitive person. Now, one of the lessons I've taken away from this death is being aware of my shortcomings and striving to be a kinder, more patient and more forgiving person. So while I certainly did take the valid criticisms of these friends to heart and apologized for any pain I've caused them, in both cases I've been told "Well, you just don't get it."

I can understand not wanting to add to the stress of somebody who was in my situation and how sometimes people allow resentments to add up until it comes spilling out. And I can definitely pinpoint the shortcomings I have in my relationships and try to work on being a kinder, more patient person. What I can't understand though, is getting told off in this manner. If the situation were reversed, even if I were incredibly angry/offended by somebody, I just can't see myself confronting them in that manner if they'd just gone through the type of experience I just had. Or at least I would have said something in maybe more of a gentler manner, knowing that this person is already going through a pretty hard time in their life.

Also I would guess it makes a difference, but these are both very buttoned down personalities. It's pretty hard to get either one of them to be open about themselves and their feelings. So in general I feel like the friendship has sort of run its course because I'm the polar opposite. I like to be up front with people about what's going on inside my head, which may be the trait that each person is finally reacting against.

"What are you doing?" "I'm ending our friendship." NOOOOO!

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:34:59 -0800

Help! Can I salvage this friendship even after experiencing the searing pain of rejection? (CAUTION: lengthy beanplating)

Okay. About six months ago, I posted a smart, sassy personal ad under "strictly platonic" on the local Craigslist (not in the US) seeking someone to talk to, hang out with, with the intention of expanding my social circles and being introduced to someone else's social circle. It was w4m since most of my friends (maybe 90%) are girls and I don't have enough guy friends. Having never used CL before, I was surprised by the caliber of responses, mostly coming from interesting, articulate people, and ended up hanging out with someone who really did turn into a friend, and corresponded with a couple more who were local, but were currently assigned elsewhere for work.

Enter: The Man I Speak Of. Despite being an American in America and being over a decade older than me and never having made a friend over the Internet before, he replied to my ad. He had been to my city some years ago, and he worked in the airline industry and so could pretty much fly anywhere. Now, of course, being a MeFite and having been a nethead for 14 years, I am no stranger to online interactions with people from around the world, and upon the requisite Googlestalking, he seemed to be everything he said he was, so I thought, what the hey, why not? He wasn't the best speller, but he still seemed articulate, had a questioning mind, liked to think on his feet, an extrovert, was also interested in books and movies and music, and best of all, he was extremely funny and there was a certain je ne sais quoi in the way he wrote that just made his personality jump off the page. (I'm sure you can see where this is going.) Our highly enthusiastic e-mails escalated in frequency to daily, and eventually we also started chatting daily (with the occasional voice chat). At one point we were chatting twice a day for hours, despite the time differences: when I woke up and he was getting ready for bed, and when he woke up and I was getting ready for bed. We would even chat when he was traveling. If we couldn't chat, he would e-mail or leave an offline message, some little nugget for me to find. (Data point: he was on extended leave from work, and I was between jobs.) I can't even remember what we talked about, mostly getting-to-know-you stuff and common interests I suppose. He would jokingly censor himself when I complained that he ranted too much. We had a strange relationship. It was still strictly platonic on the surface, even somewhat paternal, but clearly we were getting very attached to each other. Eventually, we decided that this wasn't very healthy, and decided to cut back to chatting only once a day. The next time he traveled, he didn't bring his laptop. He started attending adult classes and working on a writing project, so he would have some accomplishments to show for when he comes back from his leave. Good, right?

Three months into it, I'm not sure how, our voice chat turned somewhat flirtatious when he complimented my voice and my laugh. I was flattered, and of course I really liked him, but I wasn't sure if I could put any stock into it, since we hadn't met. He had sent me his picture, but while he wasn't unattractive, I wasn't sure if I was attracted to it, or to him physically, so I kept myself in check. Then, maybe a week later, he started acting strange and distant. I didn't catch him online for days, and he didn't leave any notes. It seemed like he was avoiding me. So then I ask what's up, and he goes "What am I going to do with you?" Then he admited that he had a drinking problem, that he couldn't lie to me, that he had been thinking hard about it because he wanted to be more than friends, that he knew he could be very charming, but that he didn't want me to make any emotional investment in him without knowing this very huge thing and he was worried I would write him off.

Well, dear MeFites, I didn't write him off but I also didn't know how to handle the bomb he dropped. (I mean, up until this worldly older man, I had mostly been involved with geeky types, engineer types, and sensitive indie musician types.) I really, really, really liked him, but I told him that it was something I could handle if we were friends, but that it would definitely be a problem if we were to be more than friends. So, we stayed friends, and of his own volition, he started seeing a doctor and going to AA meetings. I tried to be very, very supportive and help him stay positive. He had previously kicked his smoking habit, I knew he could do it. The tenor of our conversations changed: deeper, more serious. We both expressed a desire to lighten up, but for some reason it would constantly tip towards the heavy end.

In spite of myself, I started to develop feelings for him. Rationally, I knew it wasn't a good idea, but I couldn't help feeling tender and affectionate after he showed such vulnerability. I started becoming uncomfortable with the nature of his friendship with an attractive married colleague he had a crush on, and even more uncomfortable that he vaguely implied having had "friends with benefits" and outright upset at the possibility of him jumping on an opportunity if it arose. Yet I didn't necessarily want to be "with" him and it felt unfair, I didn't own him. But I liked him a lot and felt very attached to him. He had asked me out to see a certain movie and he planned on coming to my city for a week, but that no longer seemed to be on the horizon (he said it would be December at the soonest) given all the things he wanted to do (lose weight, attend more classes, do the 90 meetings in 90 days in AA, complete the writing project), and so we chatted less and less.

And then the disaster happened. I won't give any details because I don't want to turn this into a pity party, but a major natural disaster ravaged the region, and we were pretty badly hit. I sought him out for comfort, and he in turn was supportive towards me. He seemed to really want to help, but realistically there was nothing I could ask him to do.

I lost my Internet, and we no longer chatted regularly. Then I learned to tether my mobile phone and logged on more, but he would no longer go online at the "regular" times, unless we set up a time to chat. But even when we set up a time to chat, and I would be late for a few minutes because I had trouble connecting or grabbed a bite before logging on, he would not wait for me like he used to, now that I didn't have a constant connection. One time, just to prove my hunch, I was online right on the dot and stayed invisible. He was late, stayed online for 3 minutes, and left without leaving an offline message or e-mail. I felt him growing cold. Maybe he lost interest. Maybe there was someone else. He did say there was a woman he liked who he wanted to be his sponsor, but according to AA rules it had to be another man. I asked him to tell me if something was up. He said the only thing that had changed was his schedule, that he couldn't keep up the same hours he used to, and that it would be the same if he went back to work.

A month after the disaster, I was grasping at straws, I couldn't stand it anymore. I wrote him a longish e-mail explaining why I was acting strange, that I felt that I was losing him, that I felt confused and may have feelings for him, that I missed him, and lighter times. I said that I had to lay low for a while, and maybe later on I would be back to my rational self and be happy for him and the new developments in his life. I told him he didn't have to reply. Well, he did reply and say that he could go online at 9:00am his time the next day. So I went online and waited. And waited. And waited. An hour later, he was still not online, so I fired off a line about how it was getting ridiculous. He e-mailed back and apologized for forgetting, noted that I seemed mad, and said that since I kept late hours, he thought he might still catch me. I said that it was just that after I had sent that embarrassing e-mail, going online to chat with him felt like having to face the firing squad, and that when he didn't show up, I felt like an idiot, but that I meant it that he didn't have to reply. (I partly wished he wouldn't, as I wanted it to be a swan song of sorts.) He sent a couple of e-mails a few days apart, pretending to work on a response, and when the actual "response" came (a one-word text file) I wondered if he was just dicking me around or if it was part of a running gag between us (him building up something which ends up being nothing, applied to jokes, anecdotes, faux documents). However, I was too sore about previous events that I didn't dignify it with a response until two weeks later, just one line. He asked me how a trip I took was. I replied with just information about the trip and nothing more. Since then, silence.

It hurts so much.

I know, I know, I know, it was a stupid thing to do and this only means he doesn't feel the same, and he has offered no reassurance. I can't seem to get it into my head that even though he once indicated he wanted to be more than friends, he no longer feels the same way.

I can't stop thinking about him. Why am I so attracted to his words? It feels like an addiction, and I'm experiencing withdrawal. But I know that even I got what I wanted, it would still be unhealthy, that continuing to chat with him would be an incredibly bad idea for both of us. I know I need to stay away. Yet I do still want to be friends with this man. I still value his insights and opinions, and I like him a lot as a person regardless of all that has happened.

How do I deal with my feelings for him?
How do I make it hurt less?
Most importantly, how can I save our friendship?

I am at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do.

Is it depression and am I making it worse?

brisquette — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:10:57 -0800

Every night that he comes home and winds up browsing the internet for hours, I feel like I'm going to scream. Am I a nagging worrywort, is my boyfriend mildly depressed, or both? And what's the best way to work on it? My boyfriend (Charles) and I have lived together for about two and half years, since he moved to this state. We were thick as thieves to begin with, but as our relationship nicely mellowed we became more okay with not spending all of our time together. However, way back in January we had a discussion about how he needs to reach out and find his own community of some sort. He then had some dramatic medication-related mental health issues that pushed that goal to a back burner while we tangled with the craziness, but around middle of summer stuff felt like it was back to normal, and the lack of friends and interests became an issue.

I feel like Charles doesn't have any friends, really. There's one guy (Joe) who he chats with sometimes who shares a similar background (computer stuff, history, online gaming), but that guy has a freelance sort of web business and I get the impression that they could be closer buddies if Joe wasn't so busy.

I think part of the not-having-friends thing is rooted deeper in a lack of interests. Recently, it seems like unless I make something happen (plan dinner, arrange events), he won't do anything except be on the computer. I'm pretty sure he doesn't play WOW or anything anymore, and it's just random browsing and searches that he uses as a path of least resistance to his evenings.

The last couple of things we did with other people didn't seem to go that well. We went to a large dinner last weekend, and although I know he's not as chatty as I am, even when we were in a circle of three people whose conversation showed them to be funny, nerdy, and non-judgemental, Charles' answers to their questions were flat and monosyllabic, almost. A couple of friends we've hung out with several times were over at our house, and as one of them fixed our guitar (which Charles has talked about learning), Charles sat on the couch in the room, browsing the internet. Later, when our friend offered to teach him a chord, Charles said he was tired and wanted to go to bed.

It seems like it's rooted in a mild depression. He had a really bad experience with a psychiatrist and depression meds, so maybe that's why he doesn't want to admit it?

I just feel like he's not trying anymore. I brought it up a couple weeks ago when we were out (the only people tucked in the side room of a bar), and as I kept asking questions about what he wants to do and what he feels, he wound up getting totally upset and standing up and having a kind of aggressive freakout because I wouldn't let it drop. He was apologetic later and said he'd work on things, but hasn't shown too many signs of following up on the conversation. I've sent several e-mails where I've tried to outline things and not be too accusatory, so I'm not in his face as much and so it gives him time to think about it, but he hasn't responded to those.

When we wake up together in the mornings, he's usually sweet and loving, but by the time he gets home in the evening, or when I come home in the evening, he's usually withdrawn. I asked him about the difference between the two times, and he says he really only looks forward to going to bed, and why do I bother him so much? He only wants to do easy things, other stuff is too hard.

So that kind of sounds like depression, right? But I'm sure it can't help if I just nag about it and make him feel bad. But I'm sick and tired of going through ups and downs, especially when he denies that it's an issue.

The other night, I basically gave him three options.
1.) Move out in January and do his own lazy thing (we wouldn't need to be broken up, neccessarily, he just would need his own space to be in because he's driving me nuts).
2.) Agree there's a problem and set accountable behaviors for us to work on (me giving him space, him getting out of the house), and going though the Feel Good Handbook together.
3.) Agreeing there's a problem but that neither of us have the right tools to solve it, and calling in either a professional or someone we both respect to figure out how to solve things.

He hasn't responded yet.

I'm 26, he's 23. I'm relatively happy where I am (decent job, fledgling creative endeavors that seem to be going good places, pleasant enough rented home), he mostly seems lackluster and like he doesn't care about anything...except sometimes, on the days where he does care about things. Unfortunately it seems like caring about things needs follow through, so when you only care 2 days out of the week, it makes plans difficult.

So am I handling this right? What else should be happening, here? Is it fair to be this annoyed at someone who's probably depressed, because their constant web browsing and withdrawnness is bringing me down when I'm trying to work on my own creative projects and live a normal life? If he agrees to work on things, what should our parameters be?

I just think that we'd get on.

SkylitDrawl — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 22:09:19 -0800

I haven't had a crush since I was 14 and now I have a HUGE one. I have never had to be the pursuer before, but now I think I need to be. AskMeFi, teach me to flirt and pursue while still keeping me cool!! About a week or so ago, I was studying at a café near my school and I looked up and noticed a cute boy glancing at me. We made eye contact and smiled at each other almost, and I was instantly just…twitterpated. That night, I saw him in one of the dining halls at the university we both attend. I managed to muster all of my courage and go over to introduce myself to him and his friends. They were quite friendly, and I ended up sitting and eating with them. After dinner, we all walked over to the Cute Boy's apartment and hung out awhile. The Cute Boy showed me his music and book collections, and well...let me just say that he listens to all the right music and has all the right books. Plus, he is nerdy and charming and just plain adorable as hell. And...there was nothing I could do, my crush was cemented at that point. At the end of the evening, we all exchanged numbers and all the important social networking websites. I added him and all of his friends on all of these websites and sent him a private Facebook message letting him know upfront that I thought he was kind of great and that I’d like to get to know him better. He responded relatively positively. Since then, we’ve been poking each other on Facebook. When he sees me around, he calls me or runs over for brief chats. We seem to get along pretty well, but I'm unsure of how I am supposed to proceed from here.

I literally haven't had a crush like this since I was 14. All of my relationships have been built on long-term friendships or on a guy pronouncing his interest and asking me out from the very beginning. I've never really asked anyone out. I'm totally smitten for the first time since I was a teenager and it's totally making me act irrationally.

I don't remember crushes being like this. For some reason, I'm nervous around him and that means I put my foot in my mouth kind of a lot. Also, in the hopes of not seeming too obvious, I have been trying to keep busy and avoid spending time obsessing over this. However, suddenly I am noticing that he is everywhere...this means things get kind of awkward. When I see him, I blush and act a little shy and sheepish. That is so not me. I also don't want to be THAT obvious. He's always kind and interesting and responds positively to communication and seems interested in hanging out. But I don't want to put him off, or seem desperate or weird. I mean, it's not like I'm coming at this from the perspective of, "I am in love you with and I think we should marry and I already have the names of our three future children and Jack Russel terrier picked out." I want to make that clear to him in some way. I just know I really want to get to know him. I find myself needing to know MORE about this mysterious, hot person. I definitely want to see where things go (either friendship or dating would be cool, but I don't care either way...I just know I definitely want MORE of him in my life). I know to do that, I need to spend more time talking to him. And I'd like it if I was able to find a clever way to get him alone and talk to him in a non-formal, non-datelike atmosphere (maybe I'll ask him out on a real date later, but we just met a week ago, so I would rather orchestrate a much more casual situation with just the two of us hanging out). I have no idea how to accomplish this.

So, my question is: How do I get this guy alone? Also, how do I flirt when I am so nervous that I can't even touch him on the arm or shoulder? Does anyone have tips on calming down and handling conversation when you like someone SO MUCH that they make you nervous and shy and giggly? I think he's interested in me, at least in a 'let's-hang-out-as-friends' sense. I think he might even be flirting back. Are there ways to tell if he's interested? What do I do? Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated. Sorry if this question is all over the place and weird, I honestly haven't felt this way in at least ten years.

How have you made your best friends?

cymru_j — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 09:42:18 -0800

How have you made your best and most lasting friendships? I'm not conducting a study or anything; I just want to understand
friendship better and am curious what other people have experienced.
Where, how, or under what conditions have you made your most genuine friendships?

I quit my "pen pal"--do I need to explain why?

naplesyellow — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 23:14:12 -0800

I feel weird about dropping my foreign pen-pal-but not weird enough to want to change anything. Am I too cruel? A woman in Germany befriended me last year. She saw my very handsome brother's page on an memorial site...and she claimed to "love him". (yeah..I know...what was my first clue that she is troubled). But I didn't see any harm in writing to her and I really enjoyed learning about where she lives, etc. She writes in impeccable English because she is a translator. It was kind of nice to discuss my brother with her...since not too many people cared about him while he was alive. Over the year, however, she made noises about coming here to the US. She is very effusive and "loving". I told her I have absolutely no room for guests (which is true) and she writes back things like "oh, don't worry, I can stay in your yard in a tent!" She is the kind of person who sends hugs and kisses and "cuddles"...she fawns over me. I know that she is very lonely because she is taking care of her elderly Dad and she never goes anywhere. She was writing to me twice a day...really long long emails. I feel almost like a guy who "led someone on"--but I have completely run out of things to talk about with her. I just stopped writing and answering her. A bit abruptly. She loves to send me stuff and I am completely tired of it. I just didn't know how to tell her that I don't want to write anymore...so I have handled it passively agressively by just dropping her.
I know I have not handled this well...but the question is..should I just never write back and call it a day? She isn't writing either now and I know she is "hurt" because she has written my dead brother some messages about it on his tribute page.
Advice gladly accepted.

finding more rooted community in DC

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 08:21:08 -0800

I've been in DC for a few years. In many ways, this can be a really transient city. Since I'm here for the long-haul for work, I'm interested in meeting people who don't see DC as a pit stop, and aren't going to move again in a few years. I'm in my late 20s and live inside the Beltway (not in a far out suburb or anything). I don't have trouble meeting people casually or through groups, but so many people I meet are only here (or plan to be here) for a short time before they uproot. While I've made great friends who I keep in touch with post-departure, I'd like to make more grounded, long-term connections.

Suggestions from DC mefites? What things have you done here that have led to more consistent community? (church brings itself to mind, among other things).

This question is anonymous simply cause I am a little embarassed to ask it!

Where's a good source to find some descent friends and build friendships?

Bacillus — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 01:56:24 -0800

Where can I find a good source of friends or build a network of friends? After my crazy life. Two years after high school, I got involved with the wrong people for the wrong reasons and ended up in jail. I completed the Drug Court and was labeled as one of the greatest youngest example by the prosecution.

I came out a different man but feel I have been tainted.

I haven't used since, and don't intend to. Upon finishing the Drug Court I separated all ties with my previous mates and have been working hard on an Internet based business at my parents house (mansion) since, where I am a little too comfortable. The business isn't making as much money as I'd hoped but my family keeps insisting I stick with it. My sister is a lawyer (not criminal), my father is a non violent hard alcoholic and my mother a control freak who I believe is suffering from an anxiety disorder, my parents are both pensioners. I have no other relatives in this country (Australia) as we migrated from Europe when I was in grade 2.

I go to the gym regularly and like fishing, reading, studying Philosophy and Psychology in my spare time. I am educated.

Since the Drug Court I see a Psychologist every month who I consider in some way as my mentor. He keeps insisting I build a network of good friends. He has suggested many activities like a martial arts course, collage or a language class. He tells me I an inhibited living with my parents. But most of all he says I should leave my parents house where I am inhibited.

You could say I have a fear of rejection. I fear this may somehow or rather trigger me to revert to my previous behavior.

I have a few friends from high school who would be glad to see me but I can't get over the fact that there's a gap in my life that I can't tell them about.

I find it hard to have any sort of fun since I've been out, my Psychologist recommended me a book called "Stop Thinking, Start Living" by Richard Carlson which I recently started reading and believe it will make me much happier in general.

Should I keep working on the business? Should I leave home? Should I get a Job?

Please write whatever comes to mind. I can take it.

PS: please don't recommend medication like anti-depressants, I consider them to be "artificial happiness".

Long-Distance Friendship for Introverts

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 11:49:20 -0800

Introvert Filter: please help me revive a friendship! I have lost contact with an old friend, for no particularly good reason--I like this friend a lot, but I just never got motivated enough to call or write. My friend sent a couple emails, and I didn't reply to them. I kept meaning to write back, but I never got around to it, and now several months have gone by and I feel really guilty about it. It's especially hard for me to write back now because of the guilt, and because I don't know how to explain why I didn't write back before. This has gone on for several months and is only getting worse.

I feel like it takes a huge amount of energy to stay in contact with people, even when I like them. The longer I wait to reply, the harder it gets, until it seems nearly impossible. Yes, I know this is beyond normal behavior even for an introvert and procrastinator, but I don't think I can explain it any better. (If it helps, I'm a little like the author of this question, but she might not make sense either.)

Another factor to consider is that even when I manage to overcome my inertia and talk to one of my far-away friends, I don't necessarily manage to do it for another. This is just because I find it easier to keep in touch with some people than with others, and because some are more understanding than others of my not communicating (which has never gotten this bad before).

(TL;DR details: I was recently visited by another friend that I do talk to, who had stopped by friend #1's workplace. Friend #1 wondered what had happened to me, and Friend #2 felt awkward for having been in contact with me when I was ignoring Friend #1. I also feel awkward about emailing Friend #1 and claiming my behavior was nothing personal, when in fact I wasn't ignoring other people.)

I really want to email my friend. Unless my friend is extremely angry at me, which I doubt, it's worth whatever unpleasantness I'll have to endure; I just want to minimize that unpleasantness as much as I can. (I already know it's my fault and I deserve it, so please don't rub it in.) What should I say? Should I try to be honest even though it won't make sense? Should I lie? (I think there are times when a white lie really is better than the truth, but what lie would work here?) If your friend emailed you after a long disappearance, what could (s)he say that would minimize your negative reaction?

One final note: please do NOT say things like "just say what you said here, because anyone who's REALLY your friend will understand." Real people aren't perfect like this, and I'm not sure I'd even want friends who are endlessly forgiving.) Thanks for reading!

How to avoid making a bad situation even worse

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:47:56 -0800

How do I navigate this situation without tears or fist-fights? Three years ago I deeply upset a friend. I started dating her ex-boyfriend, who was also father to her two-year-old twin boys. They had been apart about six months before we got together. Initially, before he and I were officially together, I lied a couple of times about our sexual relations to spare my friend's feelings. When we decided to 'come out' as an item I told her at once. It did not go well - tears, threats of violence. I haven't seen her since. For the record, I have never done anything like this before, nor am I likely to again. I have learned a lot and grown a lot.

The relationship lasted a year, then fell apart on pretty acrimonious terms. He and I are no longer speaking, FWIW

So, big mess. The thing is, all of us have mutual friends. I have asked them not to feel they have to tiptoe around the situation. It is getting increasingly likely that I will bump into my former friend at a party, or wedding, or similar.

The question is - when this happens how should I behave? Should I pretend nothing happened? (this seems callous and weird). Should I apologize? (seems too little too late at this point). We are all in our late-20s, so supposedly grown-ups. What’s the right thing to do? I feel massively guilty I upset my friend, I miss her friendship, I’m nervous about seeing her, but I don’t feel guilty about the relationship. Our feelings were real, if ill-advised.

All advice gratefully received. I'd appreciate specifics on what to say and how to behave.

Tell him about unwarranted jealousy?

BusyBusyBusy — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 13:48:14 -0800

Do you tell your boyfriend about (unjustified) feelings of jealousy, or just get over them on your own? I have a great boyfriend with a guy I've been dating since high school. He is a couple years my junior, and we go to the same university. Recently, he as made a new friend at our university, a girl we both had met before through volunteer work. She is a nice, funny, pretty girl, although not insanely attractive (I'd say we're about equal).

He recently had lunch with her, which I had no problem with. He has always had an easier time making female friends than male ones, and has confided in me that he is embarrassed of this. After the lunch, he texted me with "She's so cool!", which I agree, she is. Later he mentioned something funny that she said. This is all that has happened.

I'm not asking if I should feel jealous. I shouldn't. I know he loves me, I feel good about myself, solid in the relationship. But I do feel jealous. The question is, should I tell him? I normally tell him pretty much everything I think and feel, and him likewise. We have a very loving, supportive relationship. My concern in telling him is that he might a) think I'm being crazy b) block the girl out of his life to avoid upsetting me.

I'm mostly worried about b. This girl is cool, funny, nice, a perfect friend for him. Likewise, I have many male friends, even friendships with ex-boyfriends, and he has never said a word about jealousy. I don't want to upset anything going on between them, although in the back of my mind I'm worried it might develop into more. I also worry that telling him would actually weaken our relationship because it might seem I'm trying to shut other people out of his life. So what do you think?