Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with friends

Get friends to go home?

Taft — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 22:17:12 -0800

How do you get your friends to respect your house...after they have a precedent that it's just a 'hangout place'? I'm 17, and my house has always seemed to be the laid back, hangout place for my circle of friends. It's been established that we don't have to respect it (i.e. there are holes in the wall due to my older brothers anger fits) and we usually stay up all night. My dad goes to bed and enforces little to no leave-times...he's kind of withdrawn like that.

Nevertheless, it hasn't really bothered me much in the past. I stay up and hang out with my friends, they go home when they have to (usually in the early morning.)

Some of my best experiences have been shenanigans with my friends at 2am, smoking hookah in the back or playing DnD or just sitting around eating McDonalds and laughing. Honestly these have been great times in the summer that I would never trade anything for.

Lately, I've been wanting to go to bed earlier, around 10:30 or 11:00pm. Last night I told everyone I was going to bed. I went upstairs and tried to sleep...but all I could hear was laughter and noise coming from downstairs. Even without a host, everyone was having a great time in the hangout house. Tonight has been the exact same, and it's irritating me. How do I tell them to respect me?

Friends shouldn't have an expiry date

Anonymous — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 14:54:49 -0800

I can't seem to keep any friends for more than two years. Why do I do this and how can I stop? (somewhat long, sorry) I don't have very many friends, but I tend to be very close to the four or five that I have at any given time, and we form into some sort of a group or circle. But almost inevitably, within two years or so, I find myself feeling like I'm tired of them or I've grown away from them, a new group of friends comes along, and the old one gets ditched (sometimes those first two events happen the other way around).

The thing is, I'm not sure that I really am tired of them. There have been groups where I can tell, objectively, that they are not as good to/for me as my old group, and yet when that two-year mark rolls along I suddenly want to spend all my time with the new people and end up treating the old ones like so much rubbish. I changed schools a lot when I was a kid - pretty much every year or every two years - so I never really have had a friend for longer than this time limit (except one; we've been friends 6 years. But she is the only one).

This question was precipitated by one of my most recent old-group friends sitting me down and telling me that I've barely been around at all, it feels like I'm blowing them off a lot of the time, they have no clue what's going on with me and I'm not saying anything. I've been really busy as a thesis student in a lab, so it hasn't been entirely this abandonment thing, but it's true that when I do have a little bit of spare time I try and spend it with my new friends or my new boyfriend (who, for the purposes of this question, I will count as a "friend", since I met him along with this new group).

On the one hand, I do still want to be friends with my old group, because they're really great people and probably better friends than the new group, who I only met through a joint project. On the other hand, I really don't seem to enjoy spending time with the old group the way I used to, and not nearly as much as I do time with the new group. On the gripping hand, what am I supposed to do or say? "Yeah, I've replaced you guys with new people"? "No, I still want to be friends, I'm just never going to put you guys first, and when I do hang out with you, I'm not going to have much fun"?

All of these feel like cruel and despicable things to say or even think. I'm beginning to feel like I shouldn't make friends anymore, if I'm just going to end up treating them like crap in a couple of years. Is this something that I can ever fix? How do I stop being a horrible person? Thank you for any help you can give; the guilt is crushing me right now. Throwaway email at iamfailfriend@gmail.com, if you'd rather answer there or want more info.

How do I deal nicely with a braggart?

biscotti — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 07:33:57 -0800

How to gracefully deal with a self-aggrandizing friend? I have a friend and I like her a lot, but she has this extremely annoying habit of bragging about herself. I don't mean that she just has a good sense of her own strengths, I mean she says things like "I consider myself an expert" and "I am extremely good at this", even when she is demonstrably, provably wrong, or obviously not as good at foo as she claims to be. I recognize that some/most of this comes from insecurity, but... It is getting to the point where I get irritated and eye-rolly and I don't like getting that way, especially because when she's not talking about how great she is, I really like her! I am losing the ability to separate the times when she is actually right about her abilities from the times when she is being a blowhard, because it is all starting to sound like "check out the skills on ME!". This is the sort of behavior I expect in teenagers, not someone more than twice that age.

I don't really feel the need to take her down a peg (although sometimes it is tempting, when she is empirically wrong about something), and this is not tall poppy syndrome, it's just incredibly annoying to hear someone tell you how great they are, sometimes at your expense, and often in ways which are completely irrelevant to the topic you are discussing. She also does this even if we are ostensibly talking about something that isn't herself. She will very often bring conversations back to herself somehow (and I don't mean in the reasonable "here's a relevant and similar situation I've been in, so I can relate" sense), and find a way to work in a comment about her mad skillz and experience, no matter what we are discussing.

I don't mean to make her sound horrible, she is genuinely a nice person, but I can feel the irritation building and I so don't want this to end with a blow-out ragefest. I would much rather find a way to either head her off, or deal with it internally so I don't get so annoyed. I don't like the way this makes me feel, and I also don't want to hurt her feelings or distance myself from her.

This anxiety is obnoxious.

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 08:46:21 -0800

I'm stressed. Frequently. It seems like it's always to do with interactions with friends and lovers, but it's dragging me down. I would love to be able to let go of this anxiety-- the need to analyze every interaction, every word spoken and minor gesture-- and to allow people to distance themselves from me. It seems as though at the first sign (no matter how minuscule) of someone close to me acting strangely I automatically revert to this weepy puddle of all-consuming worry.

Sometimes the refrain in my head is "What did I do wrong?" but recently I've been able to ask myself this question and answer it honestly without dwelling any more. So... why am I still such a stress case about weird "vibes" that I pick up from my friends? I want to allow people to feel however they want and to speak to me only when they want to, but I feel I know them so well that I can tell when they are acting weird.

I'm not sure what to do, but I need to get a handle on it because it's driving me crazy.

How can I let go and allow people to dislike me?

Oh what a tangled web we weave

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:58:09 -0800

I need some advice about how to move my life forward. Relationship, job, and home. A simple question: should I stay here or should I go back home, but with the usual tortured backstory that I will try to keep as relevant as possible! Backstory: I am a male, mid 20s, in the UK. I moved 200miles for a job that I loved. It came with own accommodation. I met a great girl (X) there, and started going out with her. Lost job (and therefore place to live) when company collapsed. X was very supportive. Moved in with her for a couple of weeks, she helps me look for jobs. Relationship is strained for a little while due to being in each other's company 24/7. (X is about to start full-time job, after finishing masters degree, so has previously had a lot of free time to be with me)

I want to stay in area, and not go back to my hometown, partly because I would need to do exactly what I am doing here; find jobs, place to live etc, and also because I now have a reason to stay= girlfriend. Decide to stay in area, and stick it out. Decide to find a place to live locally. Ask X whether me living locally is going to work out for both of us. She agrees that it will. Find a small, cheap apartment, fairly close to X. We're happy. Both looking forward to *ahem* christen... new apartment.

I move in. X excuses herself for a few days. Week later, X decides she wants to be friends only. I am heartbroken. Several weeks go by where X causes more grief by "not knowing where she stands", and giving me [false] hope. In the meantime, she's still being supportive, helping me move in other stuff, lending me furniture, still looking for jobs etc. We still do things together when we can; shows, sports and movies. And still talk a lot. Has been platonic only.

I still have feelings for this girl. She is awesome, intelligent, gorgeous. But it means that any glimmer of mutual feelings she shows I jump on (in my mind) as her wanting to get back with me. This is not good. I know that going from 'boyfriend' to 'just friends' is a bad idea. But she is honestly a good friend too.

However, I do want to get back with her. But if I can't, then she is a really good friend I don't want to lose. But even though she's quite happy being friends, I'm not at that stage yet. If there is no hope of getting back together, then I need to get over her.

~~~Meanwhile~~~

Looking for jobs still. The job market is rubbish, as it is back in my hometown. Doing all I can. Get part time job at low pay, whilst still searching for other jobs.

Here's a catch: In a few weeks, I have the final selection process (week-long) to gain entry to Sandhurst, the British Army Officer military academy (please, no comments on whether this is a good thing or not). If I pass, then entry will be in May 2010. If so, then I will have a career sorted for a few years at least.

But until May, or god forbid, if I don't pass, then I still need a better paid job.

The crux: I am barely scraping by here. I can just afford rent now, but I haven't been paid by this job yet. My gas, electricity, water is all metered so I can just about keep on top of those.

My parents, back home, have said that I can live with them for as long as I need. Ultimately I would still be in the same situation, looking for jobs, possibly looking for place to live (parents have small house).

However, I kinda feel settled here. I'm making friends; there's possibly better jobs on the horizon; I like my new apartment; and if I pass this selection course, I would only need to be here for a few months. And I feel like I should man up, and stick it out. I don't want to give up!

So, sorry for the length. With all the above information, can you help me out?

Should I stay here? And try to get over X, carry on looking for jobs (and working part time), and hope that I pass the course.
Or should I move back home? Never see X again probably, still look for jobs (losing part time job), hope that I pass the course.

Throwaway email: hereorhome@googlemail.com

_{(Ideal happy ending: X gets back with me. I get a (temporary) job that pays well. I stay living where I am. Bonus points to get me all three! )}

My best friend and wife are fighting. Should I try and mediate or stay out of it?

washateria — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 08:29:36 -0800

My best friend and wife are fighting. Should I try and mediate or stay out of it? My best friend of ten years is a former boss we can call her FormerBoss/Mentor. FormerBoss/Mentor and I have a great deal of common interests and even though she can be a bit prickly we have always gotten along and enjoy each others company.

My wife of five years is a professional house painter and recently did some painting work for my FormerBoss/Mentor. The work was suppose to be only painting, but my FormerBoss/Mentor called my wife and asked her to supervise another person doing work in the house while she was there, be there to let in other workers, etc. This wasn’t part of the work but my wife did everything that was asked. There were also a couple of pictures left out to be hung and a smoke alarm to be installed with a note, saying “would you please…?” and those things were not part of the agreement and my wife did not do those things. During the week the job ended they were to see each other at an event on Friday evening and they established during a phone call that my wife was to get paid for the job that evening. That evening came and my FormerBoss/Mentor said nothing but “Sorry, I forgot my checkbook.”

No other discussion, no thank you for the work. My wife handed her the keys to her house. The next day they saw each other at another event and there was not any discussion of the work or how my wife was to be paid or any thank you for doing the work. On Sunday my girlfriend emailed my FormerBoss/Mentor and said she was hurt, she felt unacknowledged and unappreciated and wanted to know how she was going to get paid. My friend sent an email saying “I had no idea you should have said something I don’t carry my checkbook with me everyday”.

A few days later a check arrived in the mail. There was a housewarming party where my wife chose not to go because she was still really angry with my friend and I didn’t go because something deep inside told me that no matter what I should stand by my wife. My FormerBoss/Mentor called me on Monday and asked why I wasn’t there and I said because she needed to work out this issue with my wife. My friend says she has done nothing wrong and that she has been very good to my wife and my wife won’t accept her part in it, she never provided an invoice. My partner says this has nothing to do with money or an invoice it has to do with acknowledgement and that my FormerBoss/Mentor should have thanked her for the work and acknowledged the job she did, painting + many extras.

I am so upset that they are fighting like this. Should I call my FormerBoss/Mentor and ask her to please just say thank you for the work my wife did so this can be over? Should I try and stay out of it? Before this happened we were all very close almost like family. I think personally that my former boss was upset that my girlfriend didn’t do ALL the extra things she left out for her and that not saying thanks was a small passive aggressive dig at her. Any advice is appreciated. I really don't know if I should try and mediate or stay out of it. I feel as if my water dish has been moved very far away from my bowl. Any thoughts are appreciated.

How do I break the "ice" with others (especially girls) and get closer with them?

rintako — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:54:44 -0800

How do I break the "ice" with others (especially girls) and get closer with them? Hi. I am a freshman in college. While I wasn't the most popular in high school, I was well known by many and had many girl friends, but no girlfriend, just flirted and played with some girls.

Anyway, what's been bothering me is that there are some people I talk to almost everyday in college but it's always the how are you, how's studying, how was your exam, what are you up to this weekend? I also haven't been able to meet as many girls as I would like to.

I was wondering if anyone could explain why this is. Is there a way to break the "ice" with these people and also with girls. It seems that I have trouble having a deep conversation with anyone other than how are you and some small talk about what's happening around on campus.

Thanks.

How have you made your best friends?

cymru_j — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 09:42:18 -0800

How have you made your best and most lasting friendships? I'm not conducting a study or anything; I just want to understand
friendship better and am curious what other people have experienced.
Where, how, or under what conditions have you made your most genuine friendships?

Help me help a friend struggling with long-term depression.

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 07:09:12 -0800

Friend with depression (treated with meds), seems to have plateaued with any progress and still occasionally thinks of suicide. I am there for him as much as possible but it kills me to see him like this. Is there anything I should know, or that I could do or say at the right time to help him move forward? Asking anonymously because he knows I use this forum.

A bit of background:
he's suffered depression (chemical and situational at first) for about five years now.
He is a good person with a good amount going for him, but, of course, he doesn't see that - however, should he be able to come out of this, he's got a lot of raw goods that can help him live a happy, productive life.
He is on medication, but not in therapy - he was in the past, but it was only a finite amount of visits as allowed by his insurance. (If he would go back, I don't know - I am considering trying to get him to think about it, but know it would be a slow process if he would ever agree.)
He seems to want to get better sometimes - he's adopted a few behaviors that help (meditation when overwhelmed by anger, for example, much better communication with a very few friends).
Clearly, he's got one of the things he should be doing (meds) down, and maybe some of these other things point to good signs for wanting recovery - but he's not doing anything else I know of (regular sleep, good food, exercise, reaching out to more than just me) to help.
And he's still thinking of suicide - not imminently, I believe, but there was a plan recently, and I think he's just delayed that plan.

Basically, he's mostly functional, but obviously still struggling so much and for so long that something's got to give - either he's going to do everything he can to feel better, or he's going to give up. I have no idea which it will be.

Also, I live very far away - I cannot be with him, as much as I want to be, so our contact is limited (and obviously non-physical, so no touching, hugging, eye contact, etc).

I have never struggled with something this deep, so my question is this: are the signs pointing to him wanting to get better or not (or can one even tell from this)? Should he be receptive to suggestions/advice, what should I bring up? I'm completely clueless about what he should do to eliminate this despair (I've suggested omega 3's/B vitamins in the past to augment the meds, and obviously exercise, eating right, etc, but I'm fairly sure he's followed none of these things on a regular basis, just giving in to the lows instead), but am desperate for him to take the right steps.

Is there anything I can do that I might not be doing?

I realize this may turn out to be a situation where I have to just let him know I'm there for him and hope he makes a positive choice. It's agonizing, but I will do it, as I have done in the past. But if there is absolutely anything in the world I can do for him, I will do it. Please help me help him.

(Also, if you just have an anecdote that might calm me a bit, I would sincerely appreciate it. He knows I am always available for him, but there are times when not being proactive just drives me insane with worry. Despite my efforts, there are days when this interferes with my own life.)

What do I say if/when she goes back to the man who might kill her?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:09:44 -0800

My friend's on-again/off-again nonstop crazy drama relationship just turned physically abusive six days ago. Now they are separated, again, and hopefully for good. I have reason to believe that the separation won't last, and I don't know how I could or should deal with that. Please help. My 21 year friend old has been dating a man named Charles for the past two years. we actually met through Charles- I was his math tutor and next door neighbor (not anymore, we live in different cities now), after he started dating her we met and clicked, becoming fast friends. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding and I love her!

Her relationship with Charles degenerated to a less than ideal state shortly after knowing each other. Charles is an alcoholic, emotionally abusive, mildly sociopathic, violent, rich kid ne'er-do-well, with a napolean complex. She has had problems of her own, but she means well and has a heart of gold. She would never hurt a soul, but she is not very talented at standing up for herself by any stretch of the imagination.

Their relationship has always been the breakup (with screaming fights) and makeup (with wine and roses) twice a month kind. I never minded hearing the seemingly cyclical tales of what was new with her and Charles every time we saw eachother. I am now 26 and happily married to my adorable devoted husband in the healthiest relationship I could ever conceive of, but when I was her age (21) I was involved in a similar situation a drama filled on/off relationship.

I understand very much the addictive qualities of that type of cyclic relationship. It's being in a world of your own with one other person, routinely feeling suicidal and happy passion beyond words in the course of a single day.

Recently, her and Charles took a turn for the very very worst. A drunken altercation led to him punching her in the back, trapping her in his apartment to pin her on the bed and scream at her, pulling her hair to not let her escape, and chasing her into the street in his boxers when she escaped and ran to her car and drove home.

I am grateful she is alive. She says she is done with him and her mother is getting her into therapy. But I am very concerned that this is not the end of her and him. Subtle signs when we talked about the incident lead me to believe that she is keeping the door in her mind open. These are:

1. She will not file a police report against him, despite the pleas of myself and her mother, which may be reasonable considering he comes from a very wealthy family that would probably try to file all sorts of defamation/libel lawsuits against her and make her life hell.

2. She said she was done with him forever, and in the same conversation said that she told him she would speak to him in several months after he received treatment.

Charles has already started in with the denials/apologies/baby I would never hurt yous.

Anyway, my question: what do I do if she goes back to him? what do I say, how do I react? I don't want to and won't cut her out of my life, but I'm not sure how to handle it if she tells me she is in contact with Charles again in any capacity. I've told her if she sees him again after this, I consider it likely she will end up raped and/or in a body bag. So what do I do if she does see him again, which I'm afraid to admit is a very strong possibility?

Also, I've read the gift of fear, but any other books that might help me I'd be happy to know about.

Going from friends to more-than-friends to back to friends, successfully.

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:41:30 -0800

Going from friends to more-than-friends to back to friends, successfully. Can it be done? I've known a guy for a total of 8 months, starting off initially as friends, but not very close at all. We are part of the same social circle and participate in a group activity together very regularly. Over time we became closer friends, flirted a hell of a lot, and eventually began a relationship.

Said relationship lasted about 2 months, when his behavior changed dramatically towards me. He made a lot of comments about "being friends" and has obviously been avoiding me. I asked him what was up and got a "I like you a lot, but not in that way" speech, which I expected. I'm okay with this. I'm pretty sure it wasn't going anywhere, but I still felt a little heartbroken and rejected nonetheless, so I've been avoiding him. It's been about 3 weeks now since this happened, and I'm over it and just want to go back to the way things were before.

So we're still part of the same social circle/group activity and are around each other pretty regularly, and he's obviously avoiding me. I'm just trying to be friendly, but it seems he doesn't want to talk to me unless it involves "business" about the group activity. He's done a few jerk things (imo), such as mentioning screwing another chick, in my presence.

I don't know if with the way he is acting that it is possible to go back to just friends or if he even wants to. I can't see anything I did that would make him not want to be friends with me at all. I'm really trying to play it cool as I can't really avoid him entirely. A friend who is aware of the situation thinks he feels bad about the situation, and I remind him of that, so that is why he's avoiding me. If age matters, we're in our mid-late 20's.

So, is it even possible? Is there something I can do to help this along? He is a cool dude, that I like spending time with, and I'm not so good at making close friends, so I don't want to lose one if I can help it. But if it seems like it's a no go, then damnit.

How do I make more friends?

pintapicasso — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:24:34 -0800

I literally have two friends. How can I make more? I want more friends.
I graduated from college in my city in 2008. I have a roommate who has been a good friend since we were 7, a boyfriend whom I have been with for almost two years, and another good (guy) friend who lives in my city and likes to go out. My best friend moved across the country after college, another friend is on a bike trip across the country, and the rest I have fallen out of touch with as I left school. I am quite happy with the amount of time I spend with my boyfriend (which is, like, a quarter of my free time) but I also like to be by myself a lot. I don't have many acquantences... people who I might recieve a text from about a party, for example.
Caveat: I live in a small city/big town where I already know a lot of people. My boyfriend is a "locally-famous" musician and through his gigs I have met a ton of people. Most of these people are uber hipsters - and I know that part of my problem is categorizing people, but I am easily intimidated and kind of reserved. Thus, I think that I appear "in the loop" but I really spend most of my time alone.
In my free time I volunteer with a bunch of refugee families. It's awesome, and they are definitely my friends, but it's not the same. I'm also unemployed right now, and not meeting many people.

How do I get to know people I already superficially know? Why can't I take it to the next level? How do I establish common ground? I'm not going to bother posting anonymously.

Where's a good source to find some descent friends and build friendships?

Bacillus — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 01:56:24 -0800

Where can I find a good source of friends or build a network of friends? After my crazy life. Two years after high school, I got involved with the wrong people for the wrong reasons and ended up in jail. I completed the Drug Court and was labeled as one of the greatest youngest example by the prosecution.

I came out a different man but feel I have been tainted.

I haven't used since, and don't intend to. Upon finishing the Drug Court I separated all ties with my previous mates and have been working hard on an Internet based business at my parents house (mansion) since, where I am a little too comfortable. The business isn't making as much money as I'd hoped but my family keeps insisting I stick with it. My sister is a lawyer (not criminal), my father is a non violent hard alcoholic and my mother a control freak who I believe is suffering from an anxiety disorder, my parents are both pensioners. I have no other relatives in this country (Australia) as we migrated from Europe when I was in grade 2.

I go to the gym regularly and like fishing, reading, studying Philosophy and Psychology in my spare time. I am educated.

Since the Drug Court I see a Psychologist every month who I consider in some way as my mentor. He keeps insisting I build a network of good friends. He has suggested many activities like a martial arts course, collage or a language class. He tells me I an inhibited living with my parents. But most of all he says I should leave my parents house where I am inhibited.

You could say I have a fear of rejection. I fear this may somehow or rather trigger me to revert to my previous behavior.

I have a few friends from high school who would be glad to see me but I can't get over the fact that there's a gap in my life that I can't tell them about.

I find it hard to have any sort of fun since I've been out, my Psychologist recommended me a book called "Stop Thinking, Start Living" by Richard Carlson which I recently started reading and believe it will make me much happier in general.

Should I keep working on the business? Should I leave home? Should I get a Job?

Please write whatever comes to mind. I can take it.

PS: please don't recommend medication like anti-depressants, I consider them to be "artificial happiness".

Am I the dick in this situation?

Venadium — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:33:52 -0800

A friend of mine is currently pretty pissed at me because I'm about to hang out with a girl that's friends with his ex's sister. In his mind it's only a matter of time before I'm hanging out with his ex too. Is he being an irrational dick, or will continuing to hang out with this girl only result in me getting a taste of my own dick medicine? I can understand where he's coming from as I was less than thrilled when my friends were hanging out with my ex, but that isn't exactly the case here.

How do I deal with a friend's lost object?

fiasco — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:05:40 -0800

Friend said I lost something of his, asked me to replace it. What should I do now? The other night, several friends and I went out on the town. We then met up with another friend -- let’s call him Friend A – who drove us to another (and the last stop) bar.

Preface: I was on my way to becoming very drunk.

Friend A said he found his iphone charger in my belongings. I think that I might have grabbed it accidentally, mistaking his charger for my cell phone charger. He took it back; all was well.

Later, my friend reported that he lost his iphone. He asked me to search my apartment, etcetera. I searched my apartment high and low. I called the bar we were at and asked them to check the lost and found to no avail. I reported my findings to him.

Friend A then responded that he believes when I got out of the car to go to bar, he thought I dropped something. He assumed it was my phone and that I picked it up but he thinks now that it must’ve been his iphone.

I do not believe I dropped anything as I got out of his car. I was drunk at that point, but not annihilated. I feel that I would have noticed and/or retrieved said fallen object.

To figure things out, I asked my other friend (a third party – let’s call him Friend B) if he saw anything slip out with me. Friend B said he was getting out on the same side of the car as me and no, he did not see or hear anything fall out. He said if he had, he would have helped me out. Friend B also stated he never saw me with the iphone in my possession.

This all leads to my question. Friend A asked me to replace his iphone. I am not in a financial position to do so. I was pretty passive/helpful at first, doubting myself, and thinking it might have possibly been my fault, but at this point, I’m a little salty about the allegation.

I do not steal things. I have never stolen anything (except a piece of candy in a department store when I was seven) nor do I think it’s funny or mischievous to steal things when I am drunk. I have never been that type of person. I’ve heard about people who do that type of thing when loaded and I’ve always wondered where the humor or logic is.

Our friendship is important to me but there is no feasible way I can pay him. What is the right thing to do? How would you handle this situation?

Where do I find other 30-somethings?

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:30:45 -0800

I love my new friends, but I want to meet some people younger than my parents. I'm in my 30s, female, single, introverted but friendly. After living in in various parts of the country, I landed a great job in a small mid-American city (population under 100,000). Professionally, life couldn't be better. People at work don't really socialize with one another, though; we do our jobs and go home, and that's just the culture of the place. OK. So I go about meeting people the way I always have, doing outdoorsy things (hiking, XCskiing, kayaking) and musical things (social dancing, amateur chamber music, music-related volunteer stuff at my church). I admit it, I'm a nerdy girl, but in other places I've lived, these activities gave me the chance to meet lots of people of all ages, a handful of close friends, and a few guys who became more than friends. My social circle always included a number of people who were more or less the same age as me. In this new town, though, my usual interests skew old. I find myself doing things on weekends with a bunch of lively, fun, sophisticated people, who are all in their 50s and 60s and older. They're great, but I miss spending time with people my own age.

Compared to a magnet city like NYC or Seattle, I'm sure the demographic I'm looking for is smaller where I live now. Many of my new friends have kids my age who have moved away for work, so it appears I've landed in a place that has lost a significant percentage of its younger adult population. Also, I know that a lot of my contemporaries must be busy with their own children, so that limits the numbers even further. But I can't be the only unencumbered 30-something person in the entire city, can I?

I've checked out some of the usual web resources, but I haven't found much. Meetup is not widely used around here, and the few local groups (for moms of toddlers, libertarians, D&D, polyamory) are definitely not for me. I also tried the online dating thing (match, okcupid) over the course of the year, but it hasn't been successful except as a source for retrospectively amusing stories. There was the guy who casually told me he was married -- the third time we went out; the divorcé desperate for someone to take care of his house and his kids; the truly creepy one who made no eye contact when we met for coffee but couldn't wait to show me his nude self-portrait...and so on. Yeah, I'm done with that.

So I'm trying to come up with other, preferably non-internet-based ways to add some 30-somethings to my social mix. What might interesting, non-creepy, not-quite-middle-aged people be doing in their spare time here in flyover country? Where should I look?

How to deal with "I can't be in a relationship right now"?

mattsweaters — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:34:58 -0800

How to deal with "I can't be in a relationship right now"? I've been seeing a girl for a few months now and we've been getting really close and I've begun feeling very excited about us and attached. Until..I get the whole "I can't be in a relationship right now, can we just slow down?" talk and I'm having a hard time with it.

Now I should say I believe her and right now we're living a few hours apart. She has a lot to deal with and I wanted to see if we could slow things down, but the second this happened it felt like it just killed all the intimacy and fun from what we had [trips canceled, visit to my city no longer staying with me] and I feel like I should just move on.

So my question, Is it cold to just move on and cut off contact as as if this is a break up? Any mefites here have any experience in a similar situation? I've been feeling like a jerk for cutting her out because she does say she would like to try for something real in the future and that she needs to figure some things out in her life. And to be clear, the only reason I'm doing it is because I'm pretty heartbroken and I don't want to sit around waiting for someone to change their mind about how they feel about me. thanks!

Long-Distance Friendship for Introverts

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 11:49:20 -0800

Introvert Filter: please help me revive a friendship! I have lost contact with an old friend, for no particularly good reason--I like this friend a lot, but I just never got motivated enough to call or write. My friend sent a couple emails, and I didn't reply to them. I kept meaning to write back, but I never got around to it, and now several months have gone by and I feel really guilty about it. It's especially hard for me to write back now because of the guilt, and because I don't know how to explain why I didn't write back before. This has gone on for several months and is only getting worse.

I feel like it takes a huge amount of energy to stay in contact with people, even when I like them. The longer I wait to reply, the harder it gets, until it seems nearly impossible. Yes, I know this is beyond normal behavior even for an introvert and procrastinator, but I don't think I can explain it any better. (If it helps, I'm a little like the author of this question, but she might not make sense either.)

Another factor to consider is that even when I manage to overcome my inertia and talk to one of my far-away friends, I don't necessarily manage to do it for another. This is just because I find it easier to keep in touch with some people than with others, and because some are more understanding than others of my not communicating (which has never gotten this bad before).

(TL;DR details: I was recently visited by another friend that I do talk to, who had stopped by friend #1's workplace. Friend #1 wondered what had happened to me, and Friend #2 felt awkward for having been in contact with me when I was ignoring Friend #1. I also feel awkward about emailing Friend #1 and claiming my behavior was nothing personal, when in fact I wasn't ignoring other people.)

I really want to email my friend. Unless my friend is extremely angry at me, which I doubt, it's worth whatever unpleasantness I'll have to endure; I just want to minimize that unpleasantness as much as I can. (I already know it's my fault and I deserve it, so please don't rub it in.) What should I say? Should I try to be honest even though it won't make sense? Should I lie? (I think there are times when a white lie really is better than the truth, but what lie would work here?) If your friend emailed you after a long disappearance, what could (s)he say that would minimize your negative reaction?

One final note: please do NOT say things like "just say what you said here, because anyone who's REALLY your friend will understand." Real people aren't perfect like this, and I'm not sure I'd even want friends who are endlessly forgiving.) Thanks for reading!

Can't I have my cake...?

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 22:17:15 -0800

Would it even be possible to pursue a friendship, or a good idea, for that matter? So my dog had to go to a specialist, so I took her to the hospital at the university where I am a student (grad). The resident that took care of my dog was amazing, and he really intrigues me as a person. He is 37, and I am 35. Here's my dilemma. I am in a relationship, and very happy with my partner. But I can't deny that I am attracted to this guy. I would very much like to be friends, but I don't know 1) if he is interested in that and 2) if guys at that age are interesting in even having female friends (who knows if it would be something else down the road a piece...).

I am completely clueless as to when guys are hitting on me, and there were a couple of instances that make me think that he was, but they are also fairly ambiguous. The first was when I was leaving after the consultation. I shook his hand, and he said that where he is from, it is rude to shake hands goodbye, and better to hug and give a kiss on each cheek. Culturally true, but I wasn't sure if he did that with all of his clients. So...maybe, maybe not.

The second was when I was visiting my dog. He was taking her back to her kennel, and he apologized for not being able to hug or shake my hand. In general, he is really touchy and flirty with me, which may just be his personality.

The other thing (and again, I realize that I may be totally overthinking, so please be kind), was that when he called me to update me on my dog, he called from his personal cell phone. Usually these calls are made on a hospital phone, and the number is scrambled.

So is there a way I can suggest friendship? Is it a bad idea? Guys, are you ok with your SO having male friends? Is it better to let sleeping dogs lie? Should I friend him on Facebook or something? Or am I just overthinking the whole thing? Again, I realize that this may be totally one sided. Any thoughts? Throwaway if needed is anonanswer@gmail.com. Thanks!

Come on over and have all this fun

neca — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 11:04:05 -0800

Tips for entertaining: I'd like to have more friends over to my apartment, but it's boring in here! It seems like I don't have a lot to do when friends come over except watch a big dumb TV.

I'm looking for ideas such as activities to do (play Celebrity!), but I am really wondering what "hooks" you have to make your place a destination. Classic examples might include a pool table or a poker night, and a more modern example would be a Wii. Along the same lines, Rock Band is great, but another friend has that covered. The less expensive, the better!

For some context, I am a mid-twenties male, and my friends are all around my age.

What did I do wrong?

iabide79 — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 22:49:53 -0800

I'm finding in harder and harder to just let it this go without saying anything to these to 'friends' I have..I'll call them John and Betty. I have known John since high school and I met Betty a little bit later on in life. I basically brought the two of them together and since then, Betty turned into a passive aggressive horror show. I don't know what I did to make her react to me in this manner. What do you think I did wrong and what would you have done in this situation? I'm sorry this is so long. John has always been nothing but a platonic friend but we have a lot in common. Before he met Betty, I hadn't heard from him in a long time. I was not aware at the time that he was just contacting me in order to get to know Betty because she told him that we were friends. I don't have very many friends and pretty much stay to myself most of the time. I had always held John in high regard and regretted that we hadn't kept in touch once we got older. So, I invite Betty and John over one weekend for drinks and what not and sparks flew between them. Great! Two people I like are getting together! I was happy for them, and lo and behold Betty was now calling all of the time, wanting to hang out ect ect. We went out drinking one night shortly after their relationship blossomed and he was told the bartender that we were his "favorite girls" and how he was going to marry (Betty) but that I was his second favorite. I thought it was cute and I knew how he meant it and took no offense at all. Then, she leaned over behind him and said to me.."You heard that, you're SECOND BEST". I was so taken aback I didn't say anything and thought I may have taken it the wrong way. Long story short, we hung out a few more times and she lets the snark FLY, little snide underhanded jabs peppered throughout the conversation. He never said anything to her, and I just let it go. SHE would invite me and then be a total bitch to me. The last straw was when she invited me over for drinks and I guess John and I were laughing a little too much, (we know a lot of the same people and go way back) because when he got up to go in the other room for a minute she whispered loudly that she was going to "have sex with John tonight" like, hint hint, LEAVE you know? So I was getting up to go and he came out and said, "Uh, I heard you and NO you can stay." Can you say awkward? So I finished the movie and left. I do not want anything else to do with them as I feel that she hates me for some stupid reason. I declined their wedding invitation gracefully and have heard nothing from her since. I feel bad like I should have called her out then and there when she let her comments fly, but honestly I didn't know what to say at the time. Now I am very angry at her and I just feel sorry for him. I think she's a very manipulative bitch and think he's making a horrible mistake but I'm not going to ever tell him that..I'm sure he already sees it. I just don't know if I handled this correctly, and how to get rid of this anger. I feel like such a pushover.

Breaking(up) news

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 17:32:30 -0800

What is the best way for a couple to tell their mutual friends that they're ending a long-term relationship? My partner of nearly six years and I decided a few weeks ago to break up. This breakup is amicable and mutual. We still live together and will have to do so for at least the time being for financial and logistical reasons. We are best friends and were before we became a couple. Most of our problems were related various very complicated issues that are impossible to explain briefly, but they weren't really tied to our ability to interact as friends, just as a romantic couple. No misbehavior by either party, or anything like that. We are very private about the inner-workings of our relationship, and none of our friends, mutual or not, know about these problems. We met early in college and I'd say 75% of each of our friends are friends with both of us. We have a group of about 10 core friends who are equally friends with each of us.
We haven't told anyone but family, and a few non-mutual friends who aren't really connected to our core friend group. We still hang out with each other, and hang out with our friends both together and separately and just act normal. It seems hard to bring up the subject of us breaking up without it being weird, or seeming like an announcement or something. Neither of us list our relationship status on things like Facebook, so it's not like we can just go the passive route without it seeming really contrived (we don't have to "end" our online "relationship" since it doesn't exist).
I know that a few of our best mutual friends are going to be 1) shocked, and 2) probably pretty upset because we've all had a certain dynamic as a group that they will see as changing, even if it really doesn't have to that much (neither of us foresee dating again in the near future since we need time alone, and even then it will probably be outside of our interactions with the friend group at issue). We have been seen as a unit for the past 6 years. The breakup is still pretty surreal to us (we're still having a hard time coping, but that's a whole 'nother AskMe). We know we don't have to tell them yet, but it's going to come up eventually, especially as we spend less time together.

TL;DR aside, I'm looking for suggestions of what worked for people who had to tell their friends about their breakup.

being a supportive friends vs. patience

jalebi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 08:46:39 -0800

How can I support my good friend (and roommate) through a breakup, and not lose my patience? My friend and roommate broke up, or is going through an "it's complicated" with her boyfriend. They had a short (3 months) but intense relationship, with an emotional connection. Things have been difficult in the last 10 days or so, with them returning from an out of town trip together, which culminated in him telling her he's got some issues to work on, and thinks it's over, but there hasn't been an official "it's over over. She is hurt, rightfully upset and angry.

She is unemployed (but has some savings, and is applying to phd programs), and I work from home. So we're both home a lot, and I'm getting tired of the crying, knocking on my door, a couple of times at night after I was asleep, and listening to crying and replaying things for hours a day.

I want to be a supportive friend. I really do. I've brought her drinks to rehydrate after crying, offered to get food, taken long walks with her, heard everything about ten times, and am now spending hours with her just being melancholy. I am happy to sacrifice time to listen and support her, but upwards of 4-5 hours a day is hard.

I know she needs to grieve, in her own way. I know she needs to be heard and supported, but I am feeling emotionally drained. Over the course of the past 10 days, it hasn't gotten better.

What can I do to support her, but not lose my patience? Is there anything I can tell her to both help her grieve this relationship, and move forward? Is there any polite way of saying "I love you, I support you, I'm sorry you're in pain, but I'm kind of getting tired of you knocking on my door just so we can stare sadly into space for several hours?

Meeting people?

yarrr — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 17:49:43 -0800

How do I meet people in this somewhat unique situation? I know this has been addressed over and over, and all over google, but I like to think my situation is somewhat unique. It probably isnt! I am essentially at a loss. I'm a 22 year old guy and frankly I feel lost.

Me: 22, no college education. Recently out of a relationship, which lasted 6+ years and all my friends are tied to essentially.

Great - so just go out and meet people, right? Not entirely. I work on a military base job-wise. My entire peer group there is easily 20+ years over me, all have families, etc - theyre at a different point in their life.

With that said, where I live is also basically on top of said military base, and well - in all honesty, there is not much of a social scene around here in my observation.

Any suggestions where to turn? I've tried to find dance classes, tried the two shitty bars we've got here, and tried to find people on meetup.com

Dont get me wrong, its not a small town either, but it is all military families and thats about it, leaving me in an awkward spot.

“Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.”

allkindsoftime — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 04:50:21 -0800

I want to become more of a peacemaker. So I have this friend, let's call him Andrew. Andrew is awesome for a lot of reasons, but he has one quality in particular that I admire more than most: Andrew wants everyone to get along with each other, more than anything else.

Example: we're drunkenly playing board-games at the end of a long day of fun and games at the lake-house. Bill and I get into a semi-heated (but mostly harmless) argument over an ambiguous rule, the outcome of which will determine which team is the game's winner. Andrew invents a side-game, on the spot, based on another rule, to distract us and get us to agree that the winner will determine the outcome of the current argument. 3 minutes later we're all laughing and on to the next game, even though Andrew's team lost the previous game.

Example 2: we're at our weekly ultimate frisbee game and in the middle of a match neither team can remember nor agree on the score. I'm pretty sure we're up at least 5-2, when Andrew, who knows the same to be true, yells to the other side of the field "OK ZERO-ZERO GAME TO 3" and everyone nods and off we go. This happens regularly.

Andrew is always the one who wants everyone to be at ease with each other, even if its at some detriment to himself. He has no pride or personal stake to guard, he simply wants the group to get along, focus on the positives and commonalities, and laugh at life. Simply put, Andrew creates an atmosphere of peace in any circle that he is a part of.

I'm blessed to have a friend like Andrew, but he's also inspired me - I want to be more like that, and I know I'm not, at least naturally. But I still would like to work on changing that - I'd like to be less competitive, more positive and encouraging, and thinking more about how I can make others more at peace - with each other and the group at large.

I'm interested in any mental hacks / tips / tricks, habits to try to practice, or even physical reminders or anything else I'm not even thinking of that can help me see opportunities for bringing peace amongst those I interact with. What have you done to look out less for yourself and more for peace amongst others?

I am a Christian so please feel free to comment from that perspective - as I am aware that peacemaking is one of Christ's foci in his message. But I'm open to and particularly interested in ideas from any / all perspectives, be they other religions or those who swear the idea of religion off altogether, if yall might be so kinds as to share.