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How to help my son break free from his bully?

beniamino — Mon, 13 May 2013 09:52:31 -0800

My son, Alex, age 5, started primary school (in the UK) in January. His 'best friend', Tom (also 5), is bullying him. How can we help Alex break free from Tom, and make new friends? Alex and Tom were at pre-school together for around a year. When Alex first started pre-school, he was shy and found it difficult to settle, and so we were very happy that he managed to latch on to Tom and play with him. But Tom became more and more unruly and rude, and started to dominate Alex so much that the pre-school teachers warned us that the friendship was becoming problematic.

Since they both started school, Tom's behaviour has become worse -- he is rude to his teachers (and me), and he's in continual trouble at school. Alex's behaviour is generally good, but he seems to spend much of his free time hanging around watching while Tom misbehaves. As I understand it, Tom won't 'allow' Alex to play with other children. And, in the last 2 weeks, Alex has come home with scratches on his face (from Tom), and twice has had to change his clothes at school because Tom has thrown water over him. Alex is stressed by this.

Despite all this, we are completely unable to convince Alex to play with anyone other than Tom. There are children in his class that Alex has known since birth (and who are very fond of him). There are children with whom he plays regularly, and who come round to his house often. But, at school, he thinks that Tom is his only friend, and he can't play with anyone else.

The anti-bullying advice I've found focusses on the (normal?) situation where the child hates his bully. Our son is stressed, and wants the bullying to stop, but loves his bully. Do you know of any sources of advice for this odd situation? Or have any suggestions about what can we do?

Are most guys' minds creepy (or sex sex sex? :/)

MiuMiu — Fri, 10 May 2013 19:11:05 -0800

Incident report of a young woman and much older upper-middle class man. I'm not very good at explaining myself especially in a looong post (sorry it's so long!!!), plus English is not my first language... but I will try my best, thanks! :)

I am a female in my 20's.
I met this guy in his 50's when I was kinda lost in a park.
He was very nice giving me directions etc, so we met up another day to have dinner.
I was new to the area, so I just wanted to make a new friend. Nothing more, really.
We were going to go get pizza, but the restaurant was closed, so he drove me to his house to make pizza. I was very worried about going to his house alone, but I was too chickened out to speak up.
He drank wine and couldn't drive me back, so I slept on his couch fearing the worst case scenario.
Turns out he didn't do anything, so I was very relieved and thought "Ok, he really wants to be just "friends," phew."
So we hung out like this a few more times over the course of next few months - eating (out / in), chatting, me sleeping over - nothing inappropriate ever happened. He even invited me to his friend's party, which was nice but I was unable to attend. It was actually fun talking with him, as I naturally find it interesting to hear the perspectives of older generations on all kinds of topics. He also sometimes called me "Kid" and offered me advice on life-problems, which I appreciated because I had kinda missed having a father-like figure after becoming distant with my dad.

Recently, I had a problem with my apartment and wanted to get a way for a few days, so I stayed over at his house for several days.
This time he was touching me at least once every hour, for example, when I passed by him in the kitchen. At first it was just my arms or shoulders, which I found a little annoying but didn't say anything.
It escalated to my torso, thighs and butt, though lightly. At this point I say "What are you doing?! Stop!"
Then he would jokingly say things like "But you have a nice butt!"
I was annoyed but kept hoping there would be no more next time.
The reason I didn't leave at this point was because I thought he was joking around and never seriously saw me as a "woman." I mean, I am his daughters' age!
He also started asking me to massage him with his massage device.
I was like "Why don't you do it yourself?"
He said something like "Because I can concentrate on the relaxation when someone else does it."
I thought "Fair enough" and did it unwillingly because I was staying at his house and considered this task like cleaning the dishes. I thought he didn't have any sexual intentions.
The next day or so, the same request - but this time, he took off his clothes and I was like, "What are you wearing???!!!," thinking he was in his underwear.
He said "My swimsuit!"
I thought "Ok, still kinda gross, but that's probably better than underwear." and I didn't want to be rude, so I just did the massage.
Then, he asks me to "hand-massage" him because my hands are always warm.
I was reluctant but did it because I still didn't think there was sexual thinking involved.
As I was massaging him, he touched my butt, which really annoyed me because I had told him multiple times not to touch it.
So the next day, when he asked me to hand-massage him, I said I didn't want to do it and would only do the device-massage. He got mad and told me to get out of his room.

The next morning conversation goes like this:
Him "I'm sorry I yelled at you although I was pretty much joking."
Me "It's ok because I'll leave."
Him: (a little stunned) saying "Ok." then goes away for a few minutes.
...
Him: "Yea maybe we need to take a break. I might have some things to figure out."
Me: "What things?"
Him: "Well, I guess I have enjoyed having you over because of your female companionship. But you keep telling me you are uncomfortable and sad when I touch you... I'm very particular about women (I don't know what he meant by that)... and it's just natural for me to touch you. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I haven't touched women for so long after my wife passed away, and I had forgotten how good it feels to touch women. But since you are uncomfortable, I feel like maybe I'm just fooling myself. If there is nothing between us, and since your goals and plans don't involve me, I should maybe let you bloom with those and I should pay more attention to the things I should be paying attention to."
Me: (totally creeped out and frozen) "But the other day you said you weren't attracted to me."
Him "Well I guess I lied!" (kinda embarrassed looking, not malicious)

Then I started crying because I was overwhelmed with disgust that a man old enough to be my dad was looking at me like that the whole time and the fact that I had so long stupidly kept thinking otherwise.

Me: "So would you not have been my friend if I was a guy?!"
Him "It's difficult to answer, but I don't view women as objects."

Him: "I was mad at you last night because you wouldn't hand-massage me. I thought it was rude."
Me: "The whole massage thing was getting weirder."
Him: "But you had done the hand-massage the day before!"
Me: "I never wanted to do it in the first place!"

I don't remember how exactly this came to an end, but he said, "Well, we talked about a lot of personal stuff today. Can I ask you to never repeat to anyone what I said?"

Later, everything he said before automatically got connected as "creepy dots" in my head, although too late:
..."How was your sex life with your ex-boyfriends? You shouldn't be embarrassed. My friends talk about it openly, which is normal!"
...While driving, "Look at that woman dressed like that - they dress so provocatively but would soon call the cops when guys hit on them."
..."You should wear a dress when you go negotiate with men."
..."Do you want to go on a cruise with me? It'll be really cheap to add you because I already have it booked."
..."You want to go hang out with your boyfriend this weekend? I'd tell him "Stay away from my girl," haha!"
..."Your breasts were probably oversized when you were younger."
..."You never menstruated on your bed?" (after me asking him why he had small blood stains on his bed - probably from nosebleed or something)
...Watching TV: "I think the actress is aroused because her nipples sure look erect."
..."You are asexual."-when I refuse to answer his sex-related questions.
...One day he came to sit next to me and massaged my back. I had to get his hand out when it started going under my shirt, but I didn't think much of it because I was busy talking to him about a problem and listening to his advice.

I do take responsibility for letting all those happen and feel very stupid about staying over at his house.

Before this, over the years I had creepy encounters with other men, and I never had very good relationships with my few ex's, and I feel like I'm going to keep running into more creepiness with men. Is it just me or does this happen a lot? Are most guys' psyche really revolved around sex? I feel more and more reluctant to date...
Thanks lots for reading this ridiculously long post. Whatever kind of comments would be appreciated :)

How do I kick this person to the curb?

Anonymous — Fri, 10 May 2013 14:33:19 -0800

I was friends with this woman for a couple of years. I don't want to be her friend anymore. I tried to accomplish this in a nonconfrontational (read: passive aggressive, maybe?) way, but she's still contacting me. Do I need to tell her an actual reason for why I don't really wanna talk to her anymore? I was introduced to her by a mutual internet friend awhile back when I was bemoaning my lack of friends in London. The relationship was fine at first; we bonded over being expats abroad and crafty stuff, and I saw her every couple of months and that was fine. She has since moved away, so I only see her about once a year. Our respective internet presences were fairly closely intertwined, though, so I was still very aware of what was going on in her life through facebook and stuff. She is quite a needy, negative, sensitive person; bad things are always happening to her because she's American, or because British people are so rude, or because she's so alternative that nobody can handle it, or whatever. There's always drama, and it's never actually her fault, according to her.

The second time we met up after being introduced, we had a really heated discussion about cultural appropriation. She doesn't think it's a thing and is quite "woo woo" about it in a way I find irritating, and I definitely think it's a thing and a really problematic one at that. At the time, I think we kind of agreed to disagree, and she wasn't actively being fucked up, so I think I tried to forget about it.

After she moved away, she got into American Tribal Style belly dancing in a big way, to the point where almost every single one of her facebook posts is about that. I did a bit of pruning so that I wasn't seeing most of what she posted; lots of vaguely South Asian and Middle Eastern inspired clothing and accessories on a load of white women is not really my cup of tea. A few months ago, a picture of her dressed for a dance performance where she was wearing a bindi was used in a tumblr post criticising white people who appropriate the trappings and cultures of Asians (the bindi in particular). She posted a really messed up whinge on facebook moaning about how upset and oppressed she was as a white woman, which received lots of positive attention from her other friends (eg. "You go girl!" "They're just haters!" "But that's cultural appreciation!" etc.). I was grossed out by it, and disillusioned enough with her as a person already, so I unfriended her on facebook and other social networks without another word between us. I haven't really thought about her since.

Fast forward to today, and I see that she's left a comment on one of my flickr photos and favorited two of them. Even though I'd deleted her as a contact, I didn't think to block her. The content of the comment clearly indicates that she didn't pick up on the fact that I'd unfriended her. I had also posted a link to my tumblr in the comments of a photo, and she has now added me on tumblr.

Right, so I could just block her on both of these platforms and move on. But part of me is now feeling bad that I didn't take the time to let her know that I don't want to be friends and why. But what am I meant to say if I'm honest? "Uh, yeah, I find your behaviour really fucked up, plus you're super negative and annoying?" I'm not interested in salvaging the friendship at all. Do I owe her some sort of communication/explanation, or can I simply block her and move on with my life? To be clear, I'm not interested in whether you think cultural appropriation is a legit reason to unfriend someone, just how I should go about responding to her (if that's even necessary) now that it's obvious she didn't get the hint when I unfriended her everywhere.

Dating (and friendship): Screening for reliability

xm — Tue, 07 May 2013 16:12:12 -0800

How do you screen for reliability and filter out self-centered/selfish nature in dating in real life and online dating? And, how do you find out whether a person (for dating or friendship) is a 'giver' or a 'taker'? By reliability and being a giver, I don't mean something as trivial as calling when they say they will. I mean more like being there for you when you are going through one or more major challenging life events, putting the relationship and "us" before individual interests especially when the going gets rough for you and not for them individually. Does this kind of reliability even exist among partners and can one really, truly, deeply trust another human being or do you feel you always have to watch your back even with a partner of months or years or decades?

Is it worth getting into political arguments on Facebook?

everydayanewday — Wed, 01 May 2013 20:53:11 -0800

I have this friend, we've known each other since we were five and I see her every time I go home. She helped me deal with my abusive ex and recently attended my grandad's funeral which was a difficult time. It's all good until she writes offensive, provocative stuff on FB and I feel like I don't know this person. Do I brush it to one side or engage with it? How would you deal with this? (N.B. I normally live in a totally different continent from her, so this is a long-distance setup, we haven't lived near each other for fourteen years). She's been a great support to me and we had a TON of fun times together as teenagers. So it's all good until I check FB in the morning. Lately she's been posting a lot of racist/homophobic/politically insensitive statuses, and they are SO offensive it's hard not to respond. The last ones was:

"There are some people who really need to get over their sexuality. If you're gay, you're gay! If you're straight, you're straight! If you're bi, you're just bloody greedy like me ;) But stop going on like the world owes you something just because of who you choose to be intimate with. If you face homophobia then hold your head high but don't get all up in the faces of the people who don't actually care who you nosh just to highlight the fact, for the millionth time this week, you are gay. Sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, but it is also nothing to be proud of either. You didn't achieve your sexuality, it wasn't awarded for good womb behaviour. So find something you should genuinely be proud about and I would be happy to see people bragging about that!"

The one before that was her rejoicing over preventing a Pakistani woman from getting at job at her company by arguing in favour of the white guy because '[racial slurs] are a pain in the arse, they don't join in, they can't go drinking and they don't speak english at work, you never know what they're saying about us."

There's a lot of stuff about benefit scroungers too, which I don't understand because she herself was off work on disability with depression for three years (?)

When I see this stuff I just despair. These opinions (and her actions at work) are actively lowering the quality of life for quite a few of my friends as well as members of my own family. They are SO offensive to me it plays on my mind for hours after I see them!

So my question is, what is the best plan of action here? Hide her posts but remain friends? Just ignore it, don't take the bait? (Her friends give her opinions a lot of support, she doesn't seem to be ruffling feathers by saying this stuff in her friendship group). Point out the flaws in her arguments in a polite way in the hopes of change, or will that lead to defensiveness and re-inforcing of her position? Does any good ever come of arguing on Facebook?

Help me tell my BFF to shut up, in the nicest of ways.

ElectricGoat — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 13:38:02 -0800

My best friend is dating a new guy and is currently in the "floating in the clouds" stage. He's all that she talks about, texts me about, emails me about, mentions, quotes, you name it. I'm happy for her, but I am quickly reaching "who cares" stage. She does this with everyone she dates, but this guy might become permanent, so I'm not brushing it off as "just wait until this passes". How can I politely tell her that we need to have conversations about OTHER THINGS? She can be very sensitive, and I don't want her to feel that I am not interested in the relationship or not happy for her. More details inside. Hi guys!

So as described above, my very best and closest girlfriend is dating a new guy. She is nearly 30 and has had a somewhat stunted adulthood, with life experiences and emotional intelligence closer to early-20s. He is 21 or 22 (I forget) and...behaves like an unemployed 21 or 22 year old hipster guy, which he is. The "faux-southern-redneck" sort, not the "going to fashiony dj parties" sort, if it matters. We all live in the suburbs between two large cities.

My girl and I have a sisterlike friendship of 12 years. We have weathered a LOT together and I have no desire or need to cut her off, slowly fade away, or what have you. Our friendship is not currently under threat from him. I like new boyfriend- he is nice, and has a sort of good time party guy vibe that can be fun. He is a friend of one of her recent exes, and they've been seeing each other for about a month, all day every day. She had a crush on him from afar long before they started spending private time together outside of that friend group. He's mature enough, but I wouldn't say "mature for his age" or "older than his age". Young guy is a young guy through and through. He's the youngest friend that either of us has. The age difference doesn't bother me per se, but sometimes it's glaringly obvious.

Girl is HEAD OVER HEELS, and I am glad for her that she is so into someone- the last few exes have been complete duds, and she deserves to feel this way, I feel she's practically earned it. New guy loves her. I'm not concerned that he is "bad for her" or is going to hurt her. Everyone's happy. I'm having two issues with the situation that are more about me than them, so I guess I really have two questions.

I don't care that much to hear about him constantly. Multiple-times-daily scenario: she will text me something that he said that she found hilarious, or share a photo of him being goofy, or whathave you...and I feel there is a silent expectation for me to agree with her that yes, that was hilarious, and yes, he is dreamy...when I often don't think that the thing being shared was all that funny or interesting or dreamy. When I don't reply to these little notes, she asks if I am mad at her. In person, I obviously have to feign more interest. He can be funny, but is not all that funny to me personally. He has interests and hobbies and things which she tells me about (he likes this, he likes that), but they're sort of all off the "Vice Mag Urban Outfitters Coolness in Your Early 20s" checklist, generic enough to be uninteresting to me, so hearing about those things isn't any better than "he said ___ today". He is the ONLY thing she is capable of talking about at the moment. At first I figured "ok, honeymoon phase, she is just excited to share" and let it slide, but now it's so frequent as to become annoying, and I feel like I am sometimes being dishonest when I reply. Mostly, though, I am just REALLY, REALLY ANNOYED. I've gotten multiple texts about him in the time it took to write this Ask. Not kidding.

--

So, questions:

1. How can I politely ask her to change the subject (when I organically change the subject in conversation, or talk about my own love life, she swings it right back to him regardless of lead), or at very least, nicely reply in a way as to seem to be in just-enough agreement without abjectly bullshitting? I don't want to be constantly pretending that new bf is the coolest thing on the planet when I am largely "whatever" about his details...and I miss having rounded conversations about other topics in her/our lives. She can be very sensitive, as I said above, and I sometimes have to choose words very carefully. A forward of "I'm so happy for you, but girl..." doesn't always work with her, as she will still only hear the negative. I am thisclose to just telling her to shut the fuck up the next time he is mentioned, and I don't want to do that to my friend. Help me with a script!

Bonus for #2: Why (WHY) is she doing this? It happens with everyone she dates, and I'm somewhat used to it, but this new one has been especially over the top. I tend not to talk much about people I'm seeing unless it gets very serious, so I don't personally understand or have the need that some do to be constantly blurting this stuff. Is it for approval? I totally approve, I am just not enthralled with him. Is it over-excitement at snagging that crush?

Bonus Bonus: How do you deal with just not giving a crap about (someone close to you)'s significant other one way or the other? I'm half-jokingly concerned that there is going to be some sort of shotgun wedding/elopement this summer if things keep ramping up, and if he is in my life for keeps, I'd like some tips for gritting my teeth, as I'm not going anywhere. Yes, he might grow on me, and I might not need your tips, but do share them anyway.

---

Some other things to note:

1. I am currently seeing several people, one of whom I am over the moon about myself, so I'm not jealous of her relationship joy. I gush about boys too once in a while, but that's somewhat out of character for me. Please don't suggest that I may be jealous.

2. We still see and talk to each other just as much as before she was dating him, so this is not an instance of "she is spending all of her time with her boyfriend abloobloo I want my friend back".

3. I already know what makes him special to her (as I am told it constantly), so I don't need the suggestion of "maybe if you spend time with him, you will grow to think he's special too". I've spent a lot of time with him thus far, I've just been unable to form an opinion past "nice young guy who has not yet broken out of the mold and formed a solid personality".

4. He thinks that I am just as awesome as she is. It's not mutual. He doesn't know, because I am somewhat good at short-term social bullshittery.

Now you want me back?

Anonymous — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 21:14:25 -0800

A group of friends effectively dropped me for the last year and now they are making overtures as if nothing happened. How to react? I more or less got the cold shoulder from a group of friends after I hooked up with a member of the group who, unbeknownst to me, had started dating another girl who he has now moved in with.

Most of the group doesn't know the whole story (and she certainly doesn't). They know something happened, but don't really know what and honestly, I think they don't want to know. He's a known womanizer and everyone has always had a million excuses for his behavior. A million excuses that I foolishly bought into... but what is done is done.

As a result of this and some other friends moving away, I became the only single person in a group of half a dozen plus couples. Between this and the fact that the guy is childhood best friends with one of the guys in the group, I found myself slowly getting dropped from people's invite list. I'd still get the token invites to big events like birthdays and weddings, but that was about it and sometimes not even that.

I asked one of my closer friends in the group what the deal was and he played dumb saying I was imaging being excluded. When I offered him concrete examples, he got pretty mad and said some fairly hurtful things about us never being very close friends and therefore I shouldn't expect to be invited to most things. For a litany of reasons I won't go into this in no way represented out 7+ year friendship. I was pretty stunned and hurt.

So I moved on. I have plenty of other friends to hang out with and that was that.

Fast forward to now and through a series events involving mutual friends our paths have crossed again almost every weekend for the last month or two. Everyone is being so nice... Why haven't we all hung out in so long (gee can't imagine why...)? We forgot how much fun you are! They are buying me drinks, telling me how great I look, and inviting me to parties and events that I would normally love to attend, yet something doesn't feel right. Part of it is I hate the former friend I hooked up with and having to hang out with him and his girlfriend isn't exactly awesome (she's a very nice person, but it feels awkward and forced). But it's more than that, I feel betrayed by people I considered close friends.

However, part of me just thinks I need to grow up and let it go. That holding a grudge a year after the fact is pathetic and I'm only hurting myself. I'm sympathetic to the fact that they were put in an awkward situation, yet part of me also knows none of them were ever involved and none of the drama between me and the guy really impacted anyone else. Sure few people sensed the chilliness between us, but it was hardly a situation where they couldn't invite both of us to a party without there being a scene. I worked to keep the situation from spiraling out of control and that meant sucking it up and playing nice with a man, who despite being a close friend, lied and manipulated me during a really rough time in my life. I really resent that the thanks I get is being a social pariah for the last year.

I really want to move on from all of it. I've been friends with these people for a very long time and it's hard to just throw that away. Is this something I should let go and just let things drift back to the previous status quo of weekly bbqs and happy hours?

I don't know anyone at my college; I want friends, parties, and hookups

Anonymous — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 06:25:07 -0800

I'm finally realizing that even though I'm at a huge school, people won't just magically come to me, so I'm trying to make new friends, go new places, and enjoy myself. I want to be the guy that everyone knows, who is always busy. Problem is, I don't understand how to start since I don't know anyone, and since I've been in this situation for two years now, I can't play the "new in town" card anymore. Help? There are a few things that I can't wrap my head around.

How do I make friends in my classes? I'm friendly, I talk to everyone I sit near, but I don't understand how to actually do things with them. I can't invite them to lunch right then and there since I normally have other classes right afterwards; I can't invite them to any parties because I don't know of any. I don't consider myself shy, but it seems really strange to jump from "we sit next to each other in Spanish" to "know of any parties this weekend?"--or am I overthinking this?

How do I meet people in bars and clubs? Most people seem to go in groups, and I'd do that if I could, but right now it would just be me, alone. Do people really just go to bars are start talking to strangers? What do I say?

Details: I'm male, 24 years old, and go to a large school well-known for partying.

My friend is in love with another friend's sister?

JYuanZ — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 09:57:42 -0800

tl;dr: Friend likes friend's sister. Friend is very socially awkward and sister is very scared of him for his "creepy" demeanor (according to her words) and the sister needs to know how to make him stop liking her. Ideas discussed include outright rejection, fake boyfriend, fake pictures, which I had mostly disagreed with, and need advice to sort this out. Regarding the guy and the sister, they've known each other for a few years (I'm guessing 2 or 3?) but around five months ago, my "friend" (let's call him David) started to act in a way that very very strongly insinuated that she was in love with my friend's sister.
Before I continue let me explain who he is. In the past he's said several things that have offended me (aka personal stuff). He is very socially inept and struggles to have conversations with many people besides his circle of 5 friends. He also doesn't understand social cues and is very oblivious to simple things, and he has a very... awkward demeanor, to be honest. I can't say I'm the biggest fan of his character but he tries to invite himself to things that my friends and I plan - I don't know how he finds out about them but when he's there he generally sits alone without saying many words at all. Because of this I tried to let him off with the stupid things he says but... he's said so much offensive things (because he doesn't understand that they are offensive) that makes it hard for me to keep forgiving him.
tl;dr for above paragraph. friend is very socially awkward with an equally awkward demeanor, has said many offensive things to me but doesn't know it because he doesn't understand social cues
Back to the story; the sister finds out that David is in love with her and she is very weirded out. They used to be decent friends but when she found out it became very awkward and she became scared of her. Oh, and for the record, sometime very shortly after she finds out, the relationship between the brother and David had become much, much more strained.
An important point that I should note is that the brother,sister, another friend (call him John) and I drove up to the university where my other friends attended. We walked around together as a group - me, John, the siblings, David, and other friends from university for a group of 8. While we hung out together several of us talked to the sister, not about David's love for her but just as friends, making dumb jokes and pointing out random things - you know, what friends do. BUT.
When I get back, John received a three paragraph letter from David saying how he was troubled that he couldn't talk to the girl because he was so awkward and didn't know what he could say, and that he often lagged behind the group because he was crying and didn't want anyone to see. He said that he was in love with the sister and that he wants to know how she thought of him. Overall, it was a letter of jealousy and, to be honest, a hint of hatred towards us.
tl;dr for above paragraphs. We (me, friend, the brother and sister) go up to uni to see the rest of our friends that inclues David When we get home there is a letter from David that says he was crying that he didn't have the social ability to talk to the sister and that he was in love
We (sans David) had a conversation on Skype about it, some suggested that she just reject him the next time they see each other so that this can be dealt with, but I feel that's too harsh. Any advice?

How do I politely end a friendship that has gone down the rabbit hole?

Crystalinne — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 21:12:59 -0800

My friend "Joe" and I have been friends on and off for over 7 years. - On and Off being key words - Recently a few things in the friendship were really inappropriate - details inside - and he has since stopped talking to me. During this time I have realized my life will be much more drama-free to end the friendship, but I would like to do so with the least drama, while still getting myself heard. Keeping as short as possible. Joe has a habit over the years of finding a mountain in a molehill situation, blowing it out of proportion, then as a result not talking to me for months at a time. These times of "radio silence" as I like to call them always happen of his doing, when most of the time I have been available to work through whatever small disagreement we had.

We have been on talking terms for the past 3 or so years. During which time I have been with my husband (we have been married for the past year.) My friend Joe was always disapproving of any men I was with, except my husband, who he really approves of. This is partly due to some sexual/relationship tention in our past and him trying to act like a "big brother."

That has lead the the most recent issues. Occasionally he would make jokes that were inappropriate to say to a married woman, however I knew they were jokes and they were few and far between. He also has a habit of flirting with people in relationships or while he is in a relationship, which he knows I despise. However I thought I was being pushed more into the "bro" category - even though I am female - which is where I prefer to be with male friends.

After I moved out of state about 6 months ago we were talking/texting a few times a week. Within about a week, he made 3 or 4 really inappropriate comments. So inappropriate in fact that I prefer not to say them. I tried to brush them off, but they got too much to handle and were making my husband uncomfortable along with myself. I finally told him calmly in a text that: I'm not sure if you realize but you have been making inappropriate comments and I need you to respect my marriage or we can't really continue to talk. He replied that he didn't know what I was talking about. I gave him a few quick examples and told him I wasn't mad and we could chat on the phone to resolve it. He said he understood and would give us some space.

Radio Silence for 2 weeks. I text asking if he wants to catch up. Nothing. This put the first ding in the friendship. A simple "I need some space" would have sufficed. He even completely ignored my birthday. Us being friends for so many years he knows when my birthday is, and was previously asking me what I wanted as a gift before he stopped talking to me.

He also recently FB messaged me to say, "i know i've stopped talking with you, but i did want to let you know i agree with your point you put on "Mutual_Friend's" facebook...."
I replied saying, "I knew someone would agree, and I'm not sure why we aren't talking since it wasn't that big of a deal to me."
He said "Well it was a big deal to me."

Needless to say, that threw me for a loop. He was the one saying obviously inappropriate comments. Things he would never have said in front of my husband. That was the final nail in the coffin. I know it would be better for myself and my marriage to end this friendship. I am just not sure how to do it. Also the fact that he sees himself as the victim in something that could have been nothing is astonishing. I need a grown-up friendship. If it was a big deal to him, how would not talking to me solve anything?

My husband and father say, "Just don't talk to him." But that will only work for so long. It's now been 2 months since me telling him he was upsetting me. Any time he has not talked to me in the past, he expects that when he does talk to me, we are to immediately be best friends. I don't want this to happen and for my response to be, "Yeah, well about that, we can't be friends."

I would like to end things as calmly as possible, and there is just too much baggage there to continue on with this thing. It makes me sad because we have been great friends and after moving to a new city I basically only have family as friends.

Has anyone else dealt with ending a long friendship because things just weren't working out?
How do I handle this?
I would like to cut him out of my life if we aren't friends - at some point removing him from Facebook, etc. How long should I wait before I say something?
What do I say? I just have tons of thoughts rolling in my mind and I don't know how to put them into coherent thoughts that he would understand.
I want it to be the least dramatic thing possible, which is hard to do when dealing with someone like Joe who lives on drama.

If you stuck with me through all that, thank you. My father and husband are tired of hearing about it, but I just need some help in gather things or seeing what other people have done to end something like this. This is the first time for me that action needs to be taken instead of a friendship just naturally splitting up.

All your burned bridges are belong to me.

mibo — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 10:22:35 -0800

Fubar'd a friendship. Hope me. I'm pretty good at wrecking friendships. When any relationship gets iffy, I bail, burn the bridge and build a wall. That's what I'm working with in this particular flurry.

Met a guy, had a couple of dates, really, really liked him. We were both very clear and upfront about not jumping into dating-relationship territory which thrilled me because I'd been wanting to get to know someone slowly before jumping into Relationship Land again. So that was great, lots of groups and also one-on-one time. Very fun.

Then it turned out he was in a pretty bad spot. I put on my emotional brakes because I did not want to add the pressure of relationshippy expectations on him while he was dealing with some heavy emotional stuff. I probably let myself do too much for him but regardless my feelings deepened but I tried very hard not to let it show. I even went on a few dates with other guys in an effort to distract myself from my feelings for him and I suppose to prove to myself and everyone else that I didn't want or need anything more than friendship.

So...the other night he dropped on me that he's found this great girl to date and I did not handle it well at all. I lack a poker face in the best of circumstances so my face and my mood basically broadcast to the world how I felt. I kept it together and got out of the event as fast as I could, but thanks to poor emotional regulation I got into a snippy text / IM exchange.

I'm mortified at my poor reaction and ashamed that I feel rejected even when everyone's boundaries were always perfectly clear. I feel vain, demanding and selfish. I'm so angry at myself for letting it show at the cost of losing a friendship that I really valued. He speaks highly of me and my friendship to him and he's made it clear that he can go forward without letting this change anything (well, sort of clear, everything is murky when I go back and rewrite mixed messages). Because I have that habit of walking away from relationships whenever they distress me, I'd like to avoid cutting, running, blocking and ignoring. Also, I miss his friendship and I'm still concerned about him.

TL;DR. Wore my heart on my sleeve and feel stupid.

1. Should I try to fix this?
2. If so, how so?
3. How do I avoid being a petulant diva in the future, especially if this girl starts coming around? I started to feel my mean-spirited bitchiness arise last time I talked to him.

Friend Ettiquete: Missing the Wedding, Do I Make the Bachelor's Party?

Anonymous — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 10:18:15 -0800

Is it worth it to fly home for my friend's bachelor party? My friend is having a bachelor's party next weekend. He (and all my other childhood friends) live back home, in another city that is about a 1.5 hour/$375 flight away. I have not lived in this city for about 8 years (I am currently studying at a university), although I come home to visit my family and friends with some regularity.

Unfortunately, I already have to miss his wedding, which is a destination wedding in Hawaii next month. I would otherwise go, but the week of the wedding is the first week of a new job (and mandatory job training). I feel pretty badly about missing his wedding — we grew up together and we were close friends for many years. Most of my other close childhood friends are going to the wedding, although they have also had jobs for some time now and have no problem booking the time off / money. Similarly, since they still live in my hometown, making the Bachelor's Party is no problem for them as well.

So — I'm wondering how important it is to nonetheless make an event like a Bachelor's Party, especially if I can't make the wedding. I could do it time wise, although my exams (intense law exams) start on the Thursday following the weekend, which would mean that I would basically fly home for the party then fly back the next morning.

I want him to know that I still value our friendship and that I wish him all the best with his marriage — I think making an effort is important. Any ideas on the right thing to do?

Tips for Slashing Facebook Friends

Crystalinne — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 16:55:20 -0800

I recently moved across 2 states and am working on starting fresh on my Facebook friends. Have you slashed friends on Facebook? What criteria helped you decide who stays and who goes? I don't want to hurt feelings but what's the purpose of someone just hanging out on a friend's list? As it says, I recently moved to a new state. Therefore I have found many of my old Facebook friends not really friends anymore. We don't talk online, and I wouldn't visit with them if I were to go "home". I have previously slashed my friend's list down to under 100 (from about 120 ish) in and shortly after college by first starting with people who wouldn't say "hi" to me if they saw me on the street, then removed people with crazy conspiracy theories and the like. (You know, when you look at a post and say "Yikes!").

Lately I have really wanted to keep going, even though I am only at 84 friends. Today I even went as far as to post an honest opinion to someone I had been holding in for years. Needless to say it felt great, and required me to block some people after. I generally don't share political views -or argue- and most of the people who tend to go off the list first are those who have strong opposite opinions, although I try to get along with everyone's views. (Which is also why I don't talk about it.)

Now I am kind of stuck. I think my criteria stands that if we don't talk, they don't interact with me on Facebook, and I wouldn't visit them if I went home, then they should go. But should I ask a couple of the "maybes" how they feel about our friendship? I just want a fresh start without so much baggage and people who aren't real friends. I also want to move toward eventually making friends in my new state, or making new online friends (fresh mefi-er here!).

New friends for me can be a challenge because I currently work from home and my husband and I don't do the bar-scene or other things yet where we could make new friends. We also both don't mix co-workers and Facebook. Therefore I don't want to slash to the point of regret.

My goal is to be to a place with real friends that share funny or thoughtful content, or regular life updates that I care about, and for them to care about me. I also use Facebook as my primary chat platform before Skype or Text.

What helps you decide who to keep and who goes?
Have you purged your friends and ever regretted it?
Have you chatted with someone about your online friendship? (For instance what you each get out of it..)
Should personal/political views play a part? (I am definitely guilty of knowing that they do for many who have been very opinionated, but I'm not sure if should factor into people who are less openly opinionated.)
What number of friends have you felt comfortable with?
What types of friends have been the best Facebook friends for you?

Before you ask, it's not an option to delete my Facebook. I follow many comedians, my in-laws, my parents, other family, and tons of online only friends who live all over the country. I also work in Internet Marketing so not having a Facebook would basically be a crime and not allow me to make the business pages I need.

Thank you all in advance!

How do I figure out who I am? Post-breakup and no friends

Anonymous — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 17:03:01 -0800

Just out of a short-ish relationship, the standard advice is "do things you like", "hang out with your friends". All the things I like are pretty solitary/not conducive to meeting people and I just don't have any friends, but I do want some, but I feel too crappy to figure out how to find some - see the circularity? I've noticed in reading AskMes and a whole bunch of other advice, including assessments of how people deal with stress, live healthier, happier, longer lives, etc., that having friends and a strong social circle makes everything better, easier. Most of this advice also says, take time to yourself, find out who you are. I spend all my free time by myself - and I'm still not sure who I am. How do I figure that out?

I feel rather hopeless, because here I am, in my late 30s, with essentially no friends. As a child, I moved a lot, as an adult in an academic life, I've moved a lot, so I'm great at meeting people and am actually very personable, but haven't been good at sustaining relationships. Part of this, is that I don't really click with many people. At this age, a big part of it, is that everyone else already has their social groups in place and doesn't have room and/or interest in adding someone else to their group. I've done some meetups, but those haven't panned into anything in terms of friendships. People get together to do the activity, and are friendly during the activity, but there's no "click" with anyone and there's no hanging out between meetups.

This is all especially coming home to roost now that I'm coming out of a relationship. We've been broken up about a month, and I've spent a lot of that time on my own, just kind of quiet and letting things settle, but I don't want to drag this grief out. If I keep spending all my time alone and/or unsuccessfully hanging out with strangers, nothing's going to change. Yes, I am in therapy, but seeing someone once a week makes things really slow and if strangers on the internet can offer supplementary suggestions and/or commiseration, I'll take it.

So, I guess I have two questions: how do I find myself and figure out what my center is when I'm already spending huge amounts of time by myself and on myself and it hasn't offered any major gain? And, what seems related, what do I do about this whole no friends thing?

Ideas for a Friends-themed anniversary party?

chudmonkey — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 08:35:43 -0800

What tips or suggestions do you have for throwing an anniversary party themed after the sitcom Friends? Specifically, can you think of a suitable coffee-house or other venue in Calgary, AB? Hey Gang! This coming June, I'll be celebrating 10 years together with my awesome wife. Since we're both devotees of Friends, I have it in my head to surprise her with a small gathering of loved-ones and a Friends-themed party.

I'd love to know any ideas you might have about touches for such a party. Possible guest attire; items or decorations to have present; food or drink to serve; games to play; music to feature... all brainstorms will be very appreciated, and no reference to Friends is too obscure.

Special bonus points if you can think of the perfect venue for this party in Calgary, AB. I feel like a coffee-house is the obvious venue choice, but I don't know what my city offers in terms of Central Perk similarity. Ideas for a non-coffee-house venue will also be appreciated!

Thanks in advance for your help!

Hey Bro

Dansaman — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 11:07:15 -0800

Do most middle aged adult males who have families have a best friend? I would be hard put to say I have a best friend. I have friends, but none of them is what I would consider to be a best buddy. If I could combine several friends together into one (just for example, the one who lives closest to me combined with the one who works in a similar field combined with the one with whom I went to school combined with the one who is from my home town), then I think it would more likely have a best friend.

Am I typical, or do most married men with families have a best buddy?

Note that I'm fairly outgoing and enjoy people and conversation but I'm not into watching sports, playing golf or cards, drinking, or any other stereotypical male bonding activities, and I don't live anywhere near where I grew up or went to school.

Y'know, the one with....

grateful — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 08:10:56 -0800

Help me ID an episode of the hit TV show Friends. I'm trying to find the episode where Joey remarks that he likes drinking sodas from small cans because it makes him feel like a giant. From what I remember, it's not part of the main storyline, but just a side joke. Bonus points for a video link.

Am i over thinking things with him?

earthquakeglue — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 21:18:18 -0800

Am i over thinking things with him, are we friends? Acquaintances? People that talk on occasion? Before i get started with my question and talk about the details you need to know something. I have what i think is abandonment issues when it comes to being friends with someone or guys i start to like. I freak out if plans don't go right, they don't talk to me for a certain period of time and i assume the worst. I assume they don't want me as friend, which in some cases is silly.

Moving on i'm a 25/f and he is a 27/m. We've been friends or rather we've known each other through facebook/the internet for years just never really said much to each other besides the occasional FB comment. The beginning of January, he messages me on fb and we start talking and texting wondering why we never did before. After about a week of this we hung out for the first time and had a really good time.

A week or two goes by and ask him if he'd like to go with me to get ice cream or something. He ends up having to work over, but still wants to hang out afterwards. Everything was already closed by then and where i'm still living with my parents i can't just tell him to come over since they're trying to sleep;so we decided to raincheck.

He, like me has this problem where he doesn't know how to tell his boss "no, sorry i can't work over i have plans." So, you can imagine this happened 2-3 more times, all ending with him asking if we can still hang out and me saying no it's too late. We're both kind of to blame here, i assume he doesn't want to hang out with me, he probably thinks the same.

Anyway, we were supposed to hang out this past week but he got sick like sleeping for 15 hours a day really bad cold sick. So obviously that was out, but i messaged him on facebook because i freaked out over it thinking he didn't want me as a friend if he can't hang out with me. He's been on several times though, but didn't read it. So either a.)he never got it b.)he didn't see it or c.)he's ignoring me.

I haven't talked to him since last Thursday when he said he'd keep me updated about his work schedule so we can figure out when to hang out. To be honest i'm getting tired of this so i probably won't ask to hang out again unless i know yes we are indeed going to spend time together.

The texting lately has been kind of short as to what it used to be, long and lengthy. I just assumed, like me he probably just ran out of things to say after us texting A LOT the past 2 months. But, what if he just doesn't really want to talk to me?

Should i text him just to see how he is or would it be best to just wait and let him talk to me?

I'm not even really sure what i'm asking here. This situation is weird to me, because i know for now he just wants to be friends as he's inserted the word "friends" several times in conversation. I think it's just been a long time for me, so i don't really remember how often friends talk to each other or how often they do stuff.

Is all this normal for friends that have only really known each other for a few months? Am i making a big deal out of all this?

How to become friends with my ex while I'm still working out my feelings

zettoo — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 06:56:50 -0800

How do I stay in loose, friendly, honest contact with my ex (from a short relationship) to build a friendship while I still have some residual feelings for him? I know we are only friends now, and I want to respect my boundaries and also his. There's no chance we'll see each other in person for a long time, so this is all about communication and not about sex. I had a short, mostly long distance relationship with a man whom I really enjoy, respect and care for. I developed stronger feelings for him than he did to me, and when I realized that we wanted different things (I wanted a committed relationship and he didn't, mainly because of distance but I also think he didn't see me as a girlfriend) I told him I needed time to myself. We didn't talk at all for a few months, but recently I decided it was time to say hello and see how we are as friends. I gave myself time to get over it before I contacted him - however, now that I have, he's been a bit sentimental and it's made me realize I still have some feelings for him. I guess I'm not as over him as Id thought.

Because our relationship was so short, and he was respectful and kind throughout, I truly think we can transition to friends. I'm not trying to punish him for not wanting me to be his girlfriend, and think this can turn into a valuable friendship. I REALLY think we can both be grown ups and have a chance to be friends. So here's my question:

How do I stay in loose, friendly, honest contact with him to build a friendship while I still have some residual feelings for him? I know we are only friends now, and I want to respect my boundaries and also his. There's no chance we'll see each other in person for a long time, so this is all about communication and not about sex.

Your feedback on how I can 'stay cool' and zen about things while occasionally being in touch with him is really appreciated.

What should I do about gossiping and emotionally abusive friends?

xShinigamiEyesx — Sun, 10 Mar 2013 18:07:55 -0800

This might qualify as a rant, so I apologize if it is. Recently I have realized I am at my wits' end regarding my friends. I do not think that they mean to do so, but quite often they belittle me. When I have tried to approach a few of them regarding it, it ends up being my fault. I just don't think I can handle them anymore. Advice? I am the president of a small club devoted to game design at my university. I replaced the previous president who wasn't able to fulfill his duties due to personal issues. However, I found out upon his return that he has basically gossiped about me since returning in an attempt to campaign against me. Part of me suspects it killed the morale in the club (since I was the big "dummy" to many people after hearing the "enlightened opinion" of someone who never attended a meeting).

The other part that stinks is that I told people that they could approach me if they had an issue with me. This person was supposed to be a friend, but I have found that he has started to dominate my own projects with other people. I think I am going to kick him to the curb.

I also have friends who belittle me in front of others. One of my friends said I was trying to be untrue to who I was simply because I went outside to get fresh air ("geeks don't need to be outside to win other people's approval"). He proceeded to tell other people this even though I knew it wasn't true. Recently, he criticized me for getting a B in a computer science class (which I received due to personal issues, not because I didn't know the material), makes fun of me for being an Honors student, and even said I don't have a "real skill" in front of bunch of our other mutual friends.

I don't think any of this stuff is malicious, but it is start to seriously wear on me and I think my friends are immature. Therefore, I am thinking of kicking them (and several other similar friends) to the curb. The whole incident has helped me realize in the end that I am better off working alone. And while these examples aren't all that has occurred, they are representative of the types of relationships I have had with them.

In the end, it is particularly difficult since I won't have many friends if I cut them from my social network. But I don't think I can bear them anymore.

Thoughts? Thanks for reading my post.

Ending a friendship over friend's unethical behavior?

abirdinthehand — Sat, 23 Feb 2013 06:22:31 -0800

I have realized recently that I have a few friends that behave in ways, in other areas of their life, that I think is unethical. How do you draw the line, when someone's behavior is not directly affecting you, on what is acceptable for your standards of friendship? I have multiple friends that behave in ways that I do not approve of in other areas of their lives. We are not really close friends and they each have their own understandable issues that play out in their own way, ie I am able to empathize with them, though I disapprove. These issues don't affect me personally, but I am finding myself increasingly uneasy about this.

Now, these are just folks I go out for drinks with in groups regularly, not my confidants or besties, but I see them often enough for me to start to question these other aspects of their personalities.

So where do you draw the line?

One example: I know that one of these friends is having an affair, while being married with multiple children. I understand that she is not happy in her marriage and frankly her husband does really cross the line- so I have sympathy for her. On the other hand, I don't approve of her behavior and think the best course of action for her family would be divorce.

How do I make people respect my wishes regarding my apartment?

Pericardium — Thu, 21 Feb 2013 17:35:02 -0800

I recently got a new dog, a new apartment and new friends. I've asked new friends to a) not wear shoes on the carpet and b) not feed the dog table scraps. Nobody is listening. Help! I haven't been assertive about this because I grew up socially awkward with no friends, I haven't known these people for more than a few months and I'm terrified of losing all of them as friends and going back to being alone.

I have a few people visiting regularly. When someone firsts visits, I always say some form of "no shoes on the carpet." Everyone except one person just kind of chuckled at me and traipsed in with their shoes on anyway.

The second issue - I adopted a dog from the pound with a bad begging habit. I said up front, please don't feed her table scraps because it'll enforce the bad habit. No one is listening. One person even gave her table scraps twenty minutes after I said that.

Maybe it seems trivial, but I'm getting increasingly pissed off. Shoes on the carpet grosses me out, I walk barefoot around the place and there's little salt rocks everywhere because of the weather. Argh!! I've thought of putting up a "no shoes" sign, but has anyone ever walked into a house with such a sign and not immediately thought "wow, what an asshole?"

And the table scraps is an issue because it messes up the feeding/pooping schedule for my dog, making it more likely she'll shit in the house (which she's been doing), isn't healthy for her and is reinforcing that annoying begging habit.

I don't know what to do. How can I have my wishes respected without alienating people or losing friends? Why doesn't anyone take me seriously?! Ugh!

Is this friendship worth saving?

piratesriding — Thu, 21 Feb 2013 09:38:11 -0800

I have a problem. I have a friend. They're mutually inclusive. Let's call him Greg. Greg and I went to college together, we were pretty tight, part of the same larger social group. Greg's a big dreamer, a hard worker, and that's the kind of person I love to surround myself with. After school he started his own traveling theatre company. I thought it was such a cool idea that I offered to help him get it off the ground. I had a lot of skills that he didn't have, and was willing to do a ton of "grunt" work--making budgets and forms and schedules, as well as physical labor like driving from state to state, hunting down props, building and hauling the set... Really anything that needed doing, I was his right hand woman. I easily spent upwards of one thousand hours over the past two years making his dream a reality. I was sooo happy that his big dream was finally coming true.

Then...something along the way got seriously out of whack. I noticed that he never talked to me about anything other than our shared work. When we relaxed at the end of the day with a cold beer, he would be agitated and unable to relax, still fretting about the next day, the next task, even the next show or the next season. Simultaneously, his attitude towards me was becoming brusque, dismissive, even a little mean. I would show up at an appointed time to work on one of my assignments only to find he'd been there for the past three hours, doing it alone. He seemed defensive of his position as artistic director, snapped at me if I gave instructions to others--even things as small as "guys, don't forget to wear closed-toed shoes tomorrow" or "can everyone get me their schedules for next week?" Things that were, you know, my job.

I was startled and hurt in these situations. We would talk it over at the time, reach an agreement, then he'd wander back into the "barking orders at me" mentality. So I backed off, only came when I was called, avoided even the appearance of wanting to usurp his authority. And when he noticed my enthusiasm level had dipped, he more-or-less accused me of not working hard enough, took many of my duties away from me, and gave me mindless drudge work for the rest of the season: namely, I became queen of the laundry.

Now I should say that I'm one of the most confident, self-respecting women I know. In the workplace I have no problem with setting firm boundaries, pushing back against oppressive behavior, asking for raises when I've earned them--all the stuff that women are supposed to struggle with. Point is, I'm nobody's pushover.

...Except for my friends. I will go to the ends of the earth and back if you're my friend, just to keep you company, give you boosties up the obstacles in your way, congratulate you when you reach the top.

After the last season wrapped, I decided I needed to take a lot of time away from our working relationship to rebuild and focus on the friendship. He must've felt a similar need for a break, because he stopped contacting me for a few months, including canceling a meeting we had to air our professional grievances. So we entered a mutually cool period, and I found that the less time I spent with Greg, the happier I felt. I have a boyfriend who's just the coolest cat in the universe, like literally nicer than Goku. We adopted a dog together and love nothing more than lying around doing nothing together. The rest of my friends are all so supportive and thoughtful...we watch movies and play board games and embark on failed cooking experiments together. I have a new job with a huge salary hike and a breezy commute. My mom survived stage 3 cancer, my little brother's graduating high school next year...

...Basically everything in my life is coming up Milhouse! I'm so happy, I go to bed every day with a smile and wake up the same way. Except the days where I have to interact with Greg. He's like a high-maintenance raincloud that won't take a hint. When we're at social functions, he dominates the conversation towards theatre, specifically his theatre, or acting in general, or plays in general...and many of my friends are, as I said, art school kids, they get sucked in even if they're tired of talking about it. If we're watching a movie, he opens up his laptop and works or falls asleep on my couch. I've tried walking our dogs together but it somehow becomes a therapy session that's focused on him-him-him. I'm basically exasperated that I let myself get suckered in by a guy who is clearly a serial taker.

At this point you must be thinking: why? Why bother? Piratesriding, you should just ease him out of your life and never look back. And the truth is I'd like to, but here's the catch: he has responded to my general coolness by involving the rest of our friends. I had a movie night planned with a half dozen friends, and one of them didn't show up despite RSVPing. Turns out Greg found out there was a gathering he wasn't invited to and basically guilted her into taking him out instead. I felt awful and couldn't apologize enough for putting her in that position, even if it wasn't intended as a snub--I just didn't want to hang out with him, as should be pretty understandable at this point.

(I should say that all his friends would agree with my assessment of his character: high-maintenance, needy, self-involved, fickle, generally ambitious and interesting and occasionally really fun, but all-in-all a total handful. Honestly many of them have confided to me that they're very exasperated with him, but almost all of them have some degree of a working relationship with him and his company, and they can stomach him as long as they keep him at arm's length.)

Fast forward to this morning. He's asked for a meeting. It's in a local coffee shop, our designated sit-down-and-work-things-out area. He's going to ask my why I've been cold to him, why I haven't been inviting him to 100% of my get-togethers among friends, why I haven't volunteered to work more hours. And the truth is, at this point, I don't care to go over the hurts and angers of six months ago that he hasn't made himself available to talk about until just now. They're old, healed wounds for me, provided he leaves them alone and just doesn't pick at them. I will never do work for him again, because he was such an asshole to me, and as Dubya so wisely said, "fool me twice, can't--can't get fooled again." I'd like to tell him that I just don't see the value in trying to repair a really broken friendship that with someone that doesn't offer me much in return.

But we are neighbors. His friends are my friends, and their industry is his industry. He will still come over all the time, to talk with or hang out with my roommates. I don't want it to be a pick-sides event, nor a they-can't-be-in-the-same-room-together outcome. There are tons of birthdays and weddings and house parties that we'll both be in attendance at, and I'd rather just greet each other politely, chat about the weather, and move on to greener pastures. But I don't see a way that can happen now that he's finally forced the issues.

I feel that if I refuse to tell him why I was upset so long ago, the mutual chilliness will continue because he'll feel I'm being evasive and unfair, and he'll badger my friends (even my boyfriend) for clues.

I feel that if I do tell him why I was upset so long ago, he's going to get incredibly defensive and upset, as he always has when he perceives that I'm criticizing him.

Somebody help me. I just want Greg to chill out and let our once-close friendship wither into acquaintanceship. I don't want to excite his defensiveness, but I also refuse to let him take one more step over the boundary that was drawn between us when he was too self-absorbed to look down at my feet. What would you do, random strangers of the internet? We're meeting tomorrow at 6PM, so I need guidance.

Friends found out about our alternate lifestyle and they want in.

Anonymous — Mon, 04 Feb 2013 13:20:14 -0800

My husband and I are open and enjoying playing with couples either together or apart. We have established rules and it seems to be working for us. Recently, friends of ours who are also a couple found out and are incredibly interested in joining in. This past weekend, drinks were had and they initiated some light play and touching (mainly my husband and the other wife). Neither my husband or I are attracted to the couple and we don’t want to engage with them again. Problem? Since Saturday the wife has been messaging my husband none stop. How do we let them down gently without hurting their feelings. Also: the wife is INCREDIBLY sensitive and has a lot of self esteem issues.

Iceland For Foodies?

like_a_friend — Wed, 16 Jan 2013 11:13:09 -0800

I'm planning a trip to Iceland, probably for May, and a friend has expressed interest in coming along. I'm a bit worried ... because said friend generally likes the following things:

sunlight
heat
beaches
fancy food
fancy booze
fancy hotels

...And since the first 3 are obviously Not in abundance in Reykjavik, early spring, I'm wondering what our odds are for the last three. Personally, I'm dying to visit, and will go solo if need be. But this friend is generally a blast to travel with, so if a convincing argument can be made, I'd like to make it.

I've done some googling, but my unfamiliarity with Icelandic cuisine means I can't really tell how fancy/excellent these menus really are. Personal recommendations would be WAY welcome.