Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with friends

How to balance my budget and my social life?

cortisol — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 21:36:02 -0800

I will be starting graduate school in the fall (thanks for the great advice on my previous question!), and going from a quite comfortable salary to a typical grad student's pay. Obviously, in order to keep my budget balanced I will have to cut back considerably on eating out and other costly entertainments. How can I maintain some kind of social life without going broke, and without offending my friends? In the past, when I was worried about my finances, I've turned down invitations to eat out on that basis. I realized, though, that it could look to my friends as though spending time with them was worth less than the ten bucks for lunch. Situations like this, where I feel like I have to choose between spending money I can't afford or offending people I care about, tend to make me very stressed and anxious--which just exacerbates the problem.

Things are going to be particularly difficult because I won't just be socializing with fellow penniless grad students; I already have quite a few good friends in the city where I'll be attending school. This is great, of course, but most of them have Real Jobs and are used to eating at nice restaurants. Am I just going to have to find polite excuses to turn down most of their invitations (I'm sure I'll be busy enough to excuse myself without mentioning money) or is there some other solution?

Ideas for awesome gifts for our bridesmaids and groomsmen?

Tren — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 14:55:50 -0800

My fiancee and I are getting married in a month. We have kind of an embarrassingly large bridal party but we love them and want to give them cool presents! We're on a budget (we could probably spend up to $40 per attendant). We are open to creative ideas. Wedding is in San Francisco, and many attendants will be flying in from distant places.

My friend is the Omicron Man

metajc — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 22:42:08 -0800

My friend is the Omicron Man ... How do I deal with this dude? My friend from college has probably thee most unfortunate past of all the folks I've known (and I've known a few) and it keeps getting weirder. I need help figuring out what to do or not do for this guy.

I'm 27, I met my buddy when we were 19 at a pretty decent university. We were roommates. His mom died when we were in school, his dad was estranged from him. When his mom died, he ran out of money to pay for school at the end of our freshman year and he camped out in a dorm until they kicked him out (wouldn't go home with me). He got a job but then got badly hurt on the job and was in a coma, suffered temporary amnesia, but is mostly physically OK now except for a slightly jarred personality. He's perfectly sane and extremely intelligent (good with languages, art) but he's also a narcoleptic (and probably depressive) so he misses work and gets fired a lot. Most recently he got fired from bar-tending jobs at strip clubs for missing work due to sleeping, so you can see he's worked his way down. I know the guy sounds like bad news to most people but he's really a good person and all the bad shit that's happened to him has happened because he's down on himself, not because he's out to swindle anybody. Time after time, the root is his lack of money and self-esteem.

My 1st question is "what happens to a super-intelligent 27 year old guy who has no family, has been fired from every job he's ever had, has no self-esteem, and is in debt up to his ears over one lousy year of undergrad?"

My 2nd question is "How would you react to a friend like this when every time you talk to him, some godawful shit has gone down?"

I appreciate folks reading a long, sad post. I see a lot of them on here and I promise to answer some in the future if I can get help with this one. I'm a bit of a sad-face myself (don't have many friends anymore) and I don't always feel like I can help anybody with the hard shit ... why I'm writing this here now instead of talking it out over drinks somewheres. thanks

My Dawg vs Dog

hal_c_on — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 14:44:32 -0800

I have friends that seem to neglect a dog almost to the point of abuse. What should I do? First off, let me say I ABHOR dogs. I can't stand them. Everytime I see one, I think "nasty, poop eaters".

I didn't write that to put 90% of the population off your dogloving mood. I do have a point to it.

Even though I do not like dogs, I do have a heart: for real, I do.

I have friends who are a newlywed couple. We all live in our own respective apartments in NYC (read: small). I don't know whats up with them, but even though they had been living together for more than a year, they decided to get a dog after they got married. Great. F'in great.

It was all fine and dandy, till I got calls every so often saying "Jimmy needs to be walked...can you take him out? He hasn't been out since 5 in the morning, and we're going to come home at 8pm". Dang. I have no choice (unless I want this animal to suffer), so I walk the dog.

I do this on a pretty regular basis now. I STILL hate dogs, but I don't have an option; the dog did NOTHING wrong. Why should I let it suffer.

Its about a 40-60 lb dog, and its young, like almost 2 years old. I have no idea what breed, but its pretty big and I get chicks AND DUDES left and right coming over to pet the dog because they love it. Weird ass dog-lovers.

Anyways...so I'm on permanent dog duty because I live close by, and they work TONS. I'm talking TONS. One is away from the house for about 14 hours of the day, and the other is WAY MORE into their work.

They stopped asking me to walk their dog a few months ago, and I figured "oh cool, dog problem all solved". I figured they worked out their work schedule so they wouldnt have to worry about leaving the dog alone so damn much. Didn't give it another thought.

So last week, I got another call, and of course, I obliged. I came into their apartment, and DAMN!!!!!

Dog food spread out everywhere (naughty, dog), pee stains on the carpet, 4 big chunks of fresh poo on the carpet, TONS of poo stains on the carpet all over the place. This has ALL been done in the course of the last few months when they stopped asking me to walk the dog.

THEY JUST NEGLECTED IT!!!

I talked to them about this saying "Say...a LOT of people have come up to me offering to buy the dog for $2,000 on the spot(yeah, crazy but true). They seem like they can REALLY care for it, and maybe it would be best for Jimmy." They responded with "Well...we spend time with the dog on weekends...unless we go away". They go away 3 out of every 4 damn weekend. I am on dog duty then too.

I HATE dogs...but I find myself going over to their apartment every chance I get to change its water (GROSS), fill its bowl up with food, and give it a snack for walking without dragging me all over the place. I HATE dogs, but I feel so sad for this dog, I can't help but be nice to it.

Its behavior has also changed DRASTICALLY. Before, I used to have to open the door very quietly, and come in so that it wouldn't come to the door and try to maul me to get out. Now, its scared. When I come in, it cowers a little...and is scared. After I make the "hey jimmy jimmy" sounds, it finally comes, but god damn its attitude has changed. When I leave, I hear it crying or something. ITS THE SADDEST THING EVER...and I HATE DOGS!!!

I hate dogs, I just cant stand animals suffering.

What can I do? This dog needs care, the owners aren't caring for it. Talking to them is USELESS. They TOTALLY avoid the issue like NOBODY'S BUSINESS! Upon confrontation, they TOTALLY switch subjects. Its really messed up.

Few quick details:

1. The building that they live in allows dogs up to 25 lbs ONLY. This dog is WAYYYY over limite. They could get evicted if that happens.

2. Also, I didn't mention how it continues to need medicine since it gets "sick" so often...which they do NOT administer as directed.

3. I'm pretty damn confrontational. I confronted them about it, and they REFUSE to do anything. They just see it as a "yeah, its sad that we aren't home to take care of jimmy more often...speaking of, we're gonna go skiing this weekend, can you take it out for a walk?"

4. There is NO talking to them. I feel I have to report them, or have their dog taken away or something. They will do nothing.

5. I know a few other people who have dogs in seemingly small apartments. Those dogs, are cared for, loved, and HAPPY. I know the difference between a happy dog...and a dog that is being neglected to the point of abuse.

WHAT SHOULD I DO, doglovers???

Oh, I have to be totally anonymous here because well...they're my friends, and I feel like a narc. I don't even know who I could narc to that would do something.

Yes, I know I did a horrible thing, now how do I fix it?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:34:51 -0800

So... I drunkenly hooked up with one of my really good friends and found out he's had feelings for me for YEARS, I had a good time, but am not looking for a boyfriend, what's the right thing to do? I've known X for the past 3 years and have gotten really close to him this year. There has always been some chemistry between us and a low level flirtation, but I'm just not that attracted to him physically.

The other night he came over to my house for a couple beers (that turned into many, many beers at my house) and we ended up making out. It was fun and I had a good time and I wouldn't even mind hooking up now and then, but what I found out unfortunately is that he has major feelings for me. I always thought he was attracted to me, but he's a really sarcastic kind of guy and I had no idea that this soft affectionate side of him existed. He had always struck me as a casual sex kind of a guy, especially from the way he talks about sex and dating. I guess what I'm saying is while it didn't surprise me he would be interested in having sex with me, it never occurred to me he would want a serious relationship. I should also throw in here we didn't have sex or anything close to it, if that somehow makes it any better.

He was SO sweet. He told me how much he liked me and how he really felt like this was the beginning of something. I should say he told me this when I was still fairly drunk that night (post making out) and the next morning after I had had two hours of sleep and woke up to him stroking my hair. He said so many nice things and really I wish I felt the same, but I just don't. I think he's great, I love talking to him and hanging out with him, but I don't feel that intense passion for him that he really obviously feels for me.

We've talked since we hooked up, but not really about us hooking up other than a couple jokes and him telling me he really wanted to see me again soon. With the holiday weekend coming we'll be seeing each other a lot at mutual friends parties and I'm sure he's going to assume he'll be coming home with me a couple of those nights. This would be fine except for the fact I don't see this going anywhere. I'm not in a position to be in a relationship and I really don't want to lead him on. I feel horrible that this has happened and I really don't want to hurt him.

So my question is what is the right thing to do? How honest should I be and how and when should I say it? And is hooking up again a horrible idea?

For some background I'm in my mid 20's and he's in his early 30's.

How to deal with age difference among friends?

Anonymous — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 00:10:02 -0800

How does a woman in her mid-40s keep her self-esteem in an sea of thirtysomethings? I am a woman in my mid-40s, married to a man 10 years my junior. Our relationship is very good, so no problems there. We are okay with our age difference (within our marriage) and truly love each other. However, our circle of friends consists of mainly early 30somethings--his friends--who I met through him. Although I have managed to fit in socially with his younger friends (because I have relatively good social skills), sometimes I feel like I'm way too old for this group of friends, and that I have nothing in common with them, as my priorities and interests are often completely different from theirs. I feel as though I need to "hide" my age from these friends because most of them have made numerous, rather insensitive age-ist comments that make it clear that they see anyone over 40 as ancient. (I won't go into details here, but let's just say that this is a very youth-oriented social circle that is very interested in partying and youth culture in general). Unfortunately, this makes me feel ashamed about who I am, and has had a definite effect on my self-esteem. I want to be okay with who I am, and with my age, despite the fact that I am socializing among people a full generation younger than me. Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation? Should I try to convince my husband to move back to my city of origin, to be with my accepting and familiar circle of 40something friends (he has met all of them and likes them and relates to them)? Or can I summon some strength from within myself, that I didn't know existed, to make me feel better about myself--or at least NOT feel like a grandma at social functions? I pose this question to you Mefites, as there is a wealth of wisdom and experience out there, and I welcome your comments.

I don't have any real life friends. What should I do?

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 05:57:41 -0800

I don't have any real life friends. What should I do? I was a fairly lonesome kid: the only friend I ever made myself was before elementary school, and the rest I either met through him or online. Even though we all saw each other almost daily in school, I almost never socialized with them: when we got together for lunch, I usually sat by myself, instead opting to communicate with them on an online forum after I got home. I'm still friends with a lot of these people, but we vary rarely talk or meet in real life.

Things weren't any better in college. I made a few acquaintances during the first half of my freshman year, but we haven't really met after I moved. During the second half of my freshman year, I made absolutely no friends and had almost no meaningful conversations with anyone. My sophomore year was a bit better, as I lived with a roommate and gradually learned to be open with him.

My main problem is that I'm extremely anxious about my social partner(s) being comfortable with my presence. I hate awkward moments, and I hate being in situations that I can't easily get out of if I screw up. This fear prevents me from being in situations in which I'm a "host" - phone calls, parties, hanging out - or where I'm invited by myself, such as meeting someone over coffee.

I'm also not a very good conversationalist. My interests are a bit obscure, so finding stuff to talk about often takes effort and leads to awkward pauses. If the other party stops talking, I'm not very good at picking up the conversation. This doesn't happen when I'm totally comfortable with the other person, but so far nobody has met this criterion aside from my family and roommate. I can't be comfortable with someone if I'm trying to make them like me!

Group conversations are much easier for me, but my personality and hobbies seem rather niche (apolitical, moderate, whimsical, and geeky), and I don't really know where to find groups of people who share them. I also vastly prefer socializing with women, but I'm extremely awkward around them and often end up blushing and tongue-tied.

People say I should join in conversations, but it always seems like I'm intruding. I tried joining a few college clubs, but ended up never saying anything.

I have absolutely no trouble making friends online, by the way. In fact, I used to instant message random people just to talk to someone when I got lonely.

So my question is: how do I make friends? And not just acquaintances, but intelligent, interesting friends who unconditionally want to be around me? How do I fight my fears and become a better conversationalist? How do I join in conversations without being awkward? How do I become more confident around women?

Sorry for this heap of neuroses.

Not quite a party, but more than a get-together

cheeken — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 02:17:21 -0800

I'm going to be hosting weekly patio-sits/get-togethers/hang-outs, but want some theme ideas to keep the conversations interesting, without too much work on my part. Help? I have a great patio, a table and some chairs, and a hookah. I'm going to be hosting same-place, same-time every week get-togethers with any of my friends who will come. Essentially, I'll be sitting outside smoking my hookah at the same time every week, and if people can come, then great. I need some ideas to keep the conversational wheels greased; but not like a full-fledged Theme Party with food and costumes and all that jazz.

I'll email/text all my friends the first week with the conversation starting theme, and then I'll either stick with that theme for awhile, or we'll change it up.

For example, I thought about having a Show-and-Tell week, which would work just like it sounds. Also, a Conspiracy theory week where people talk a little about their favorite conspiracy theories.

So, I'm looking for some interesting topics of conversation, I guess, but that would get people coming and thinking about things during the week, rather than just have a weekly event where everyone talks about work and politics.

Also, what might make something like this more interesting for you? I'm not interested in providing food every week, but maybe I could have some board/card games available? Any interesting decor-ideas? Anything else I should consider?

No means no

Phire — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 17:23:06 -0800

How to nicely but firmly tell someone I am completely and totally uninterested romantically and at this point, pretty averse to friendship, too? Through pure coincidence, I met a guy at work who works in a different section of the building but for the same overall organization. Initially, we emailed each other a lot - we're both summer students, Outlook is pretty much the only entertainment available to us when it's a slow day. I got a bit wary when it got a bit too obvious even to my dense mind that he was flirting, so I looked him up on - what else - Facebook. He has a girlfriend. Good! I thought, he's just one of those people who're naturally flirty. Now I can make another friend without worrying about weird signals. At this point I had already mentioned my boyfriend several times. I figure I'm in the clear.

Anyway. Long story short, we ended up going to see a movie together (my initiative, after I told him that both my boyfriend and my best friend bailed on me for that day), grabbed a bite to eat, chatted a bit more in earnest. I mention the boyfriend again - yes, I'm pretty paranoid by this point - so he asks me the standard question about him (2.5 years, living together with other housemates, etc).

"Oh, that's nice. Yeah, I've got this girlfriend... but I don't really like her, and I'm thinking of breaking up with her soon."

Great....!

What follows are flimsy excuses to take the same bus as me home, texting me to say he had a great time, trying to get me to go have dinner with him some time, inviting me to hang out several times over the past two week, boasting about his amazing baking and how he needs to bring me something, and drunk texting over the weekend. I've ignored the texts if I could do so without feeling like a major bitch (e.g. if the texts were fairly innocuous), I've turned down all invitations to hang out with "yeah, no, plans with the boyfriend/second job/parents" type deals, I turned the dinner into a lunch at work and had the boyfriend come along, etc.

And so it goes on. Now for all I know he's not interested in me romantically, either, and this is all in my egotistical head. But my paranoia and general dislike of his occasionally arrogant personality mean that I'm really not interested in hanging out with him. Or talking to him, really, though I wouldn't mind talking to him if only for the sake of not burning bridges and networking and all that.

I think I've been pretty damn that I'm not interested in furthering the 'friendship'. How can I get him to back off short of openly saying "Hey, buddy, sorry but I don't really want to hang out outside of work."? Normally I'm okay with confrontations, but in this case it can be argued that he hasn't really done anything wrong and thus this sort of statement is uncalled for?

Furthermore, I'm 19, he's 22. I don't exactly think that sort of statement goes over well with my demographic.

Should I just pick up the phone and call?

Anonymous — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 18:01:11 -0800

Should I suck it up and extend an olive branch or wait for her to contact me? [Long, long post. Apologies] I have been friends with Jess* for 8 years now. We were very close after we left school and I had seen her through a few serious relationships, being disowned and kicked out, having her live with me and my family, being accepted back into her family, her brother and mother getting quite sick, her father getting extremely sick (as in, we all thought he would die), I helped her move to another state, supported her as she has broken up and got back together with her current boyfriend a number of times and I have also seen her start 3 different degrees at 3 different universities. Jess has lived interstate for 2 years now, with her boyfriend and, understandably our relationship (“best friends”) has changed, I was expecting it to change as she has James* and is wrapped up in him and their relationship. I should say I have two other friends I would say are “best friends” that also are close with Jess.

The problem:

I recently, with another of our close friends (Mel*), visited her at considerable expense. We went for a weekend and it was awful. We were made to feel like we were intruding on their weekend and when discussing plans Jess would get angry at us because we didn’t know what restaurant we wanted to go to for dinner / what activity we wanted to do. Nothing was planned. Also, Jess & James are so focused on each other that Mel and I basically spent all weekend just hanging out as the two of us. The three girls probably only spent a total of 3 hours, just us with Jess’ full attention, over the entire weekend as James had to be involved in everything we did. I had gone down to see my best friend, to spend time with HER not James and she was aware of this. You can probably appreciate how upset I would have become so I did what I usually do - I clammed up. I could have handled it better and I openly acknowledge that I am partly to blame for the situation our friendship is now in.

We talked about a week after the disastrous weekend and now, 3 months later, have only spoken about once. In the last 2 months, I haven’t heard from her at all. In our 1 conversation she accused me of being rude to James “you didn’t answer him when he spoke to you” which I would never do, I was a guest in his house, so was a little WTF? Another comment was “she was frustrated that we wouldn’t make any decisions, I’m not here to ‘entertain you’” which made me really, really angry. Whenever she visits we all make an effort to make plans or have something arranged. Also, she was our host in my eyes which means, yes, you have a small burden of planning at least dinner ahead of time.

Also that she “wanted us to get to know her and James as a couple” which I told her I thought should have been told to Mel and I beforehand, rather than us thinking we were going to get some quality time with her. I also, stupidly, after she told me she “wanted me to totally honest with her” told her that the only person I have any interest in is her and that forcing me to watch them be all over each other is not a good way to endear me to them as a couple. I know, I shouldn’t have said I don’t care about getting to know James but... it’s really how I feel.

I’m at a point where I am really sad that we aren’t talking but also angry that I seem to be heaped with all the blame for the outcome of the weekend – to the point that we aren’t talking anymore. I feel like the fact I’m not that wrapped in being “best friends” with her boyfriend shouldn’t be such an issue, we have never had that type of relationship where we have to be buddy-buddy with each others partner’s. I have been there for her for so many years, so many dramas (with very few of my own), that I feel angry that she would be so willing to throw it all away for something like this and that, once again, I’m the one that has to do something about it, fix it, etc. The friends we share say she has been sobbing down the phone to them about this… so why doesn’t she do something? Am I being spiteful by not calling her myself?

So… Should I suck it up and extend an olive branch or wait for her to contact me?

Throwaway email for any further questions is sadgirl@inbox.com

Thanks in advance for everyone who dispenses advice – MeFi is my favourite. *Fake names, of course.

How do I save this friendship?

Anonymous — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 06:07:35 -0800

How do I save this friendship? I met Josh two years ago and he has been one of my best friends ever since. A month or so after we
started hanging out, we had a talk that was very awkward, and ended with me saying "let's stay
friends." After the talk, he denied that he ever really felt like that and I just tried to forget about it
completely.

Over the past two years there were a handful of moments that made me slightly uncomfortable because
of things he said or did, but since we both dated and had relationships with other people over that
period of time and discussed these relationships with each other openly I was confident he was over me
and forgot about it.

Three weeks ago, late one night while we were hanging out, he told me that he has never been in love
with anyone else and I was the only person he could ever be in love with and wanted to know if I was
open to try dating. I said that I couldn't because I had started recently dating someone else (only kind
of true)

The truth is I don't think I could ever date Josh. We would be very compatible in so many ways it
makes me very sad that I don’t feel any of the lust or romantic attraction that one needs to date
someone else. We’re so compatible that maybe someday I’d suddenly feel lust or whatever for him,
but since its been two years already and it hasn’t happened yet, it’s not fair to lead him on or give him
any hopes.

After the awkward talk we just had, I tentatively held out an olive branch but let him know it was cool if
he needed time apart, and then we immediately went back to being just friends and pretending we’d
never had that talk. But now I feel weird (and I think he might too).

1. I’m worried that he may be neglecting other things, people, or opportunities in his life to spend
more time with me. I like spending time with him and love to do it whenever we both can, and
I can’t really call him out on maybe not doing stuff because he’s maybe still carrying a torch for
me.
2. I know exactly how he feels, I was once madly in love with a male friend and I told him of my
feelings and got shut down. (I guess what goes around...) I’m not in love with said male friend
anymore, but I know that I’ll always carry a little bit of a torch for him, and if he ever came to
me feeling the same, if I weren’t in love with someone else I’d definitely give it a go.
3. Spending time with him is not as fun as it used to be, because now I feel like every thing I say,
my body language, and every action has to be guarded and second guessed so I don’t give him
the wrong impression.
4. I get really mad sometimes when I think about the whole situation. I wish my life was one of
those romantic comedies and I’d wake up tomorrow and be madly in love with him. I get angry
at him (not fair I know) for making me feel all bizarre and queasy about our relationship when
he is really one of the best friends I ever had.

I won’t end my friendship with him and I wont reopen the wound by bringing up the subject again only
to shut him down. I need help and ideas on what the best things to do so that a)we stay really good
friends b) he moves on and finds a girl who is crazy about him?

Friendships: where's that "hibernate" button?

Bardolph — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:06:28 -0800

I'm pretty bad at keeping in touch with people. How can I cultivate low-maintenance friendships? What's the minimum required to keep a friendship alive over time? I'm decent at making friends, but can't seem to keep them long-term. As long as everyone's living nearby, things are fine, but when they move away, the relationship dies pretty rapidly, no matter how close we were at parting. I attribute this to two factors:

1. I'm pretty introverted-- so while I find it easy to like people, it's exhausting to spend a lot of time with them, and I don't especially miss seeing them. This means I usually can't muster the will to plan the sort of roadtrip visits/joint vacations that would give me facetime with old friends.

2. I'm a terrible correspondent-- I hate phone conversations and get dreadful writer's block with email, so both forms of communication usually end up being procrastinated for months until it's too late.

The way it usually goes is: Friend moves away; Friend sends a few update emails; I put off responding to the emails; a year or two of silence passes; I finally scrape things together enough to call/write Friend; Friend answers coldly, sounding offended at the lack of communication; friendship is effectively over. This makes me sad, because nine times out of ten I still really care about Friend and would love to have a relationship, still.

For me, the golden ideal would be the sort of friendship where participants might not talk for years, but the next get-together feels as though they'd never been apart, and they always know they have each others' backs in an emergency (I don't mind at all being called on for isolated stuff like moving assistance and airport pickups and post-breakup shoulder-crying; it's the constant, draining communication I can't handle). I know lots of guys who seem to be able to forge these kinds of relationships, but I (female) haven't had much luck-- everybody seems to want a whole lotta interaction, or else none at all. What's the secret? Is there anything I can say/do to make my friendships less like delicate orchids and more like, say, spider plants-- hardy, reliable, needing minimal watering?

New friends (or lack thereof).

reductiondesign — Fri, 30 May 2008 20:22:08 -0800

Insecurity/CollegeFilter: Making new friends in a new place (college)? So: This August, I'll be moving from Atlanta to Santa Fe for my first year of college; I'm attending CSF, which has an enrollment of ~700 students.

I'm terrified of making new friends and meeting new people.

I've lived in the same town my whole life--and I've kept the same friends this whole time. I'm not overly concerned about losing my current friends; I'll stay in touch with everyone I feel necessary. I'm more concerned about finding new friends, and especially a new best friend and/or girlfriend. Everyone I know now are all on great terms with one another: hugging to say hello/goodbye, having worthwhile conversation, etc.

I know that everyone says the same old thing: "You'll make all kinds of new friends in college! The best you've had!"

I just need help believing that.

What did I do? Or, what did I not do?

sixcolors — Wed, 28 May 2008 17:49:06 -0800

How can I gain a friend's trust? I have a certain friend that I like a lot (as a friend), and I would like to become closer friends. She has said that she doesn't dislike me at all, but she does not trust me. I asked her why, but she would not go into detail. All she has mentioned is that she doesn't know me well enough.

Well, I find her comments quite strange. We've known each other for two years, I have NEVER did anything to screw her over. I have never talked behind her back, flirted with her boyfriends, stolen from her...or done anything else shady to her.

Now, she's one of those people who have like over 200 friends on myspace, she makes new friends wherever she goes, will catch rides from strangers, and sleep over at peoples apartments that she barely knows. It seems like she doesn't have trust issues with other people, even if she barely knows them. As for people she do know, she trusts some people who I consider to be very shady.

Yet she doesn't trust me. I don't get it.

I would like to get to the root of her distrust. Obviously she's going by some criteria that I'm not aware of. What can cause someone to distrust a person, even though that person has never did anything bad to them? Is there anything that I can do?

Should she stay or go?

yalestar — Sat, 24 May 2008 19:31:54 -0800

My wife has a friend from college (about 20 years ago) with whom she wants to sever relations. Nothing major happened; she just finds the friendship more stressful than it's worth. She (my wife) has ignored her friend's last two phone messages and repeated e-mails, and has recently gotten the "I'm worried about you, are you okay?" e-mail. She's quite conflicted about how to handle this. She doesn't want her friend to worry, but also doesn't want to backtrack on ending the friendship. Would it be best to just tell her friend that she doesn't want to keep in touch anymore, or is that unnecessarily cruel? Or does she just not respond and risk her friend worrying?

I would say "help

Anonymous — Fri, 23 May 2008 18:28:32 -0800

Basically, I want to talk to someone without feeling judged. Both now and in general. I have two related problems.

1. When I get upset, it's very hard for me to ask for help, even from close friends. I am afraid that they will judge me, find my problems annoying, think I'm whining, roll their eyes at me, etc. This is not because they do this (most of the time) but because, clearly, I am an imperfect person with some irrational fears (like everyone else in the world). Frankly, even asking this question makes me so deeply uncomfortable that I am doing it anonymously despite the fact that it is basically innocuous.

2. I'm upset right now. (No dire emergency, but I really wish I could talk to someone about it).

So I guess I have kind of a two-part question, because I need to either solve problem 1 and reach out to one of my friends or solve problem 2 in some other way. What that other way might be, I am not sure. How to get over my inability to ask for help, I don't know.

I'm not that seriously upset right now, but it occurs to me that it might be a good idea for me to work on this while I can because I'm not going to have time when something serious does come up.

Thanks in advance for your advice. For this question, I can be reached at lamezilla[at]gmail.

Money for the American dream...

odi.et.amo — Sun, 18 May 2008 09:36:53 -0800

What's the best way to loan money to a friend? Besides the obvious answer that most will come up with of "Don't do it at all", does anyone have experience with making a personal loan (1500 US) more official?

The friend specifically suggested having some sort of documentation and interest involved in the payment process. How should I go about doing this?

And to avoid any speculation in the responses, the loan is to help cover costs associated with filing for citizenship.

The Picky Introvert's Guide to Making Friends?

Anonymous — Fri, 16 May 2008 07:02:30 -0800

I'm a male introvert with very, very few close friends. I can make casual friends no problem, but I'm rather particular about the type of people I'd want to be serious friends with. Difficulty: I'm an atheist liberal eco-friendly vegetarian tech nerd who doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs. Meeting people casually has never been an issue; I'm plenty friendly and can "play the part" pretty well, but when it comes to strong friendships I'm pretty easily turned off. I don't like people who drink, I don't like religious or "spiritual" people, I don't like conservatives, and I don't like luddites. (Note: I'm BASICALLY Straight Edge, save caffeine and sex, but I hate the people and music that go along with the scene so I don't use the label.)

Finding a godless liberal who doesn't eat meat isn't terribly difficult, so it seems like the biggest problem is the anti-drinking/smoking/drugging part. I'm definitely an introvert - I live with my girlfriend of 3 years, work full-time for a tech company, and neither of us go to parties or bars or are terribly social. Weekends are spent together, either out doing simple activities or inside watching movies, etc. We're homebodies. I can entertain myself just fine, but I feel like I could unlock more islands, so to speak, of my life and myself by making some close friends. (I've been playing a lot of GTA, sorry about the metaphor.)

So, please, help me out here. I just feel like if I'm going to invest in a friendship, it had better be with someone who I respect. Settling for less seems like a recipe for disaster. Advice? Where/how do I find like-minded people?

(PS - If you happen to fit the qualities I mentioned, uh, we should be friends! Leave a comment and I'll msg you from my real account.)

What is the psychology of friendship?

pipstar — Wed, 14 May 2008 07:10:55 -0800

Lately, the concept of "friends" seems to have become incredibly diluted by the casual use of the term by Facebook, MySpace et al. But in "the real world" what do you consider to be important when you are making and becoming friends? Is it how long you've known someone? How frequently you meet up? What you have in common? Something more intangible? Also, I'd love recommendations of any books looking at the psychology of how people become friends.

How to meet people with similar interests.

clcapps — Fri, 02 May 2008 15:44:40 -0800

How do I meet people with similar interests? I've read all the "How To Make Friends" posts, but most of them lean in the direction of actually becoming friends with people once you've met them. My problem is actually meeting people with similar interests. I'm pretty sure that once I could find them, I could befriend them fairly easily.

I've recently moved to Annapolis, MD while my fiancee finishes her degree at St. John's. I'm relatively happy here - I love the town and I love my new job, but I don't have any real friends. My fiancee's friends are nice and tolerable, but I can't really see myself becoming friends with any of them.

I tend to be pretty talkative, and love to geek out about new things I've discovered - particularly music. However, my fiancee and I have wildly divergent tastes, and she's getting pretty sick of hearing me ramble about the new R. Kelly single that she couldn't care less about. I really need to find a group of friends who I can talk to about dance/r&b/indie rock/etc, or who will at least argue with me about them - preferably over a few beers. I've had no such luck. I'm pretty sure I could find likeminded people in Baltimore or DC, but I don't have a car. I can borrow my fiancee's, but not regularly enough to maintain a group of friends a 30 minute drive away.

Help!

What should I do for my friends whose cat just died?

Maia — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 09:04:12 -0800

My good friends' cat just died. What can I get them/do for them? They are a couple who has sort of "taken me in" since I am young and new to the city. I've spent many nights eating dinner at their house and playing with their cat. He had cancer and they had to unexpectedly/suddenly put him down. Is just a card appropriate? Is there anything else I can do for them or buy them to acknowledge the pain and perhaps also show that I share a small part of their grief?

May I give you props?

healthyliving — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 22:12:57 -0800

Netiquette and/or legal requirements for posting stories and pictures of other people?... I had this idea to pay homage to the people that have influenced my life and helped shape who I am today (friends, family, role models, teachers, ex's). The idea was to write about an experience we shared and/or qualities they have that I admire, and post a picture of them (using first name only). Almost like paying reverence to the relationship itself, and putting it out there that I'm grateful that our paths crossed.

The next thought for me was, wouldn't this be a great website? I haven't seen anything like that out there. I've seen all sorts of self-promotion, blogs, causes, politics, etc. Nothing solely just celebrating other people.

Then a friend brought up that I should make sure to check with people before I post anything, especially a picture, because some people are very sensitive about their privacy. I think she has a legitimate concern. Yet at the same time, it seems a bit crazy and nonsensical to me that there are paparrazi and smear campaigns and all sorts of negative net stuff, yet someone might be potentially upset if we were thanking them in this kind of way.

What I want to know is...
1) Your thoughts, good idea or not, doable, anything I might not have thought of about this, etc.
2) Legal ramifications, netiquette, regulating what people post (if they are supposed to get someone's ok, how do I know that they did?)

Thanks in advance.

Need help finding old friends

thebwit — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 11:34:01 -0800

I need help finding some old friends - lots of details given. Ok I know this is a longshot, but maybe, just maybe someone will have some advice or actually know one of the people I am talking about. Here are the details:

Group of friends from college - we went to Indiana University Bloomington. Dates attended for them are either 98-02 or 99-03. I am almost certain it was 98-02. The group consisted of originally like 13 girls who all lived in the same dorm as I did (Wright), but some of them grew apart. They nicknamed themselves the Sigma Lambda Upsilon Tau girls (SLUTS). They all had different nicknames - Bandanna, Jersey, and Martha are the 3 I can remember. Bandanna and Jersey's first name is Jen or Jennifer, Martha's first name is Jill. There was also a Nicole if I am not mistaken and a Kim and I cannot for the life of me think of the others. I remember that Jill and Jersey Jen were both in the Chicagoland area in 2004. Jill is from there, and I think Jen was going to law school. Jill either works or worked for a wine company. It is these 2 people whom I am trying to get in touch with and I cannot for the life of me remember their last name and thus it is making my search very difficult. Any advice on where to search would be great. My googlefu has left me with too many results to find on sites such as myspace and linkedin

Does reading "How to win friends and influence people" will help me win friends and influence people?

dcrocha — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 20:19:20 -0800

Does reading "How to win friends and influence people" will help me win friends and influence people?

How do I manage my online privacy, when I have friends who blog?

vytae — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 10:55:08 -0800

As more of my friends take up blogging, it becomes nearly inevitable that I'm going to show up in a blog post somewhere. This makes me somewhat uncomfortable. Is my discomfort justified? And if it is, what guidelines can/should I ask these blogging friends to follow to protect my privacy? Several years ago, a guy I was dating blogged about a date we had been on, using my real first name, and it freaked me out. While first names may not be traceable by strangers on the internet, I expect to eventually come into contact with friends/family/coworkers of my friends who write blogs. I'm not happy about the prospect of a conversation coming to, "Oh, you're the girl he wrote about that one time..." even if the story was completely harmless.

That guy and I had a conversation after I saw the post. He respected my wishes to be left out of the blog from then on, but he definitely thought I was overreacting. Since then several more close friends and family members have taken up blogging, and I feel like it's overkill to ask them never to mention me. I'm just not sure what guidelines (if any) are appropriate. I want to say, "Sure, mention how much fun we all had volunteering last week, but please don't bring my name up in connection with the huge drunken party afterward," but that kind of micromanaging isn't really appropriate or feasible.

So - should I let these people write whatever they want, and ask them to remove something after the fact if it pushes my personal boundaries too far? Should I give them advance warning that I don't want to be in their blog at all? Should I tell them they can only refer to me by a pseudonym? How do I mention my concerns to a blogger friend without coming off as a control freak? Or am I really overreacting?