Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with friend

My patience is running out!

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 07:32:48 -0800

My close friend hates my boyfriend. Can this be reconciled? Earlier this year, a close friend (who lives in a different city, I don't see him much, most conversation is online) expressed to me that he was interested in being more than friends. I declined, I have no feelings for him, and that was that...until I started seeing my now-boyfriend, about 7 months ago.

Friend has decided that he hates everything about Boyfriend. Everything about Boyfriend is terrible (despite the fact that they have a tremendous amount in common!), Friend makes passive-aggressive remarks about Boyfriend constantly to the point where I just stopped mentioning Boyfriend to Friend, but he still finds ways to make his displeasure known. Friend has left nasty comments on Boyfriend's blog.

Boyfriend is wonderful and patient with all of the drama Friend has thrown at us. Boyfriend is no trouble at all. Not breaking up with Boyfriend over this.

The question is, how should I handle this? What can I say to Friend to make him stop (or at least realize that he's destroying our friendship)? Every discussion we've had over this has ended in me apologizing to him! I don't even know how that happens...I'm not very good in arguments. I am extremely hesitant to cut out the friendship because, aside from this, we're very close. Friend has been there for me, we've been there for each other, through some extremely difficult times and some of my happiest memories have been with him. This seems like a silly reason to stop being friends, Friend would like Boyfriend if Friend would just give him a chance. Advice. Advice, please!

Email: thatsteamsmyclams@gmail.com

Help me Salvage this Friendship, or End It.

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 20:19:59 -0800

Help me be a better friend, or help me choose not to. Tons of details follow. The situation: Former Roommate moved out, leaving me and Other Roommate with a spare bedroom we are in the process of filling. Former Roommate and I have known each other for a few years, but weren’t particularly close until recently. While we lived together, we’d go shopping, cook meals, or have a few drinks after work. I think we were both sort of excited to realize that we were becoming friends.

I was out of town for several months, leaving her and Other Roommate alone with a subletter or two. During that time, Former Roommate made the decision to sign a lease on a one-bedroom apartment a few blocks away. This seemed like a really positive step for her- she said she was looking forward to more time alone, space to herself, and living more like an adult on her own terms. Hooray for her! It was a tough choice and I applauded her for making decisions that would improve her quality of life.

Since she moved out about 6 weeks ago, interaction between me and F.R. went down to about once a week- shopping or dinner mostly. She’s been unemployed for a while now, though money is not really a concern for her. I think the sudden lack of basic daily interaction with roommates combined with the absence of a set schedule to her day is driving her a little nuts. She’s become really needy, and I don’t know how to handle it.

Our interactions have become really one-sided. Every time I see her now, she’s ready to spew out a list of complaints and gripes on friends, family, job prospects, etc. I’ve tried to help her work through her problems, but it’s becoming clear to me that she takes no responsibility for her actions. Suggestions for improving a given problem are met with “No, I just think it’s a hopeless situation- everyone ignores me anyway,” or “I don’t think that will work, so I won’t try it,” or “it’s always been that way, so I just have to resign myself to it.” I’m not sure if she’s even listening to me, or considering that I’m trying to help. These conversations are insanely frustrating to me, and I frequently give up on trying to help and instead focus on redirecting the conversation back to neutral territory.

It’s gotten to a point where I dread seeing her. I’ve left early some nights when it’s gotten too much. I’ve brought other friends along to dinner, hoping that the addition of another person would compel her to stop being so self-centered. No dice. She’s become an expert at hijacking a conversational thread and redirecting it back to her own problems, though I’m not even sure she’s doing it consciously. Events involving alcohol are becoming embarrassing- she’s drinking too much and keeping up a constant monologue on her complaints, interspersed with shouts of “Nobody’s listening to me!”

So here’s my problem. Our friendship is still pretty new, and was built around very low-key daily interaction when we shared an apartment. My history with friend-making in general is not one of being a confidante or a shoulder to cry on. I’m not used to this role, though I have long felt like I ought to be better at those things. For that reason, I’ve been trying really hard to stick it out. I don’t have enough history on her to know if this is a tough transitional phase, or if this is just how she is with friends who aren’t her roommates.

Should I confront Former Roommate, or just keep dealing with it until things improve for her, or should I give myself permission to end this friendship? I feel like confronting her would just add to her litany of hopelessness. I feel like avoiding her would be cowardly. What should I do?

Posting anonymously, so if you need to contact me use shouldistayfriends at gmail

Friendship SNAFU

Anonymous — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 09:39:25 -0800

How do I rectify this friendship and change? So, to sum up my problem right now: I have a nasty habit of treating the few friends I have like my therapists. I've always had trouble making friends, and a lot of the few friendships I have had usually ended with that due to having no one else to talk to.

The most recent happened a few days ago. I met this guy over the summer, and we talked online a lot, but only met in person a couple of times. I felt we clicked, and I wanted to get to know him better as a friend, and I feel that--for a while, at least--the feeling was mutual.

But over the past few weeks or so I've been getting really stressed and anxious about a variety of factors, namely job searching. Since I don't have many friends, and I have trouble making them, he was the one real person I could talk to, and thus received the brunt of my worries. A few nights ago, he got fed up and told me that he needed some time to not deal with me. He told me he was concerned about my mental health, but frustrated at how I kept thrusting all my problems at him, and asked me what my idea of friendship was when I asked if we were still friends.

When he told me that he wanted a break, I became worried that he would never speak to me again (I've had that happen) but he assured me that he would talk to me again at some point, he just needed some time, and would contact me when he wanted to talk. I know I should take what he's saying at face value, because I know that rationally, I have no reason to suspect that he could be lying. But I'm still afraid that I'll never hear from him again, which sucks because then it would be just another friendship in the long line of ones that I've fucked up. And again, it would be even more of a shame because we never got to really know each other, and I wanted to, and I was sure he wanted to.

I've since decided to see a therapist. I feel like it will help, and I'm also committed to changing my behaviors and making this work. But I miss him, and I'm paranoid that I've fucked this up good. I know the easiest way to get over this is to try and make new friends, but believe me when I say that for me, that is much, much easier said than done. I feel like I'm the only person who's ever been in this situation, and so I feel like a huge, guilty douche.

So: how do I stop treating my friends as therapists and start treating them as friends? It sounds weird, but I don't know how to do that. Is it possible to rectify this situation? How do I do that? Help me, AskMe!

How can I salvage a friendship when I can't be around her boyfriend?

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 17:09:48 -0800

How do I salvage a friendship in an awkward situation? I live in a house with many people. One of our former housemates, my friend, let's call her P, came back to visit with her boyfriend, who she now lives with in another country.

While they were here, P's boyfriend did something that really upset another person living here, call her M. Without going into too many details, M has some mental health struggles that have made her difficult to live with. The boyfriend, while drunk, confronted M about how she has been really difficult, and he really violated her boundaries. Because M is struggling with issues from past trauma, she freaked out.

M's reaction might not be how another person would have reacted, but the boyfriend acknowledged that he crossed the line. He has done other things to make people uncomfortable in the past, always while drunk.

Because of this, mostly at my urging because I feared that I could not trust P's boyfriend when he drinks, which is often, we decided that P's boyfriend should not be allowed in our house again. M no longer lives here, she is elsewhere sorting herself out.

We communicated to P's boyfriend in an email that I did not write. I meant to write to P at the same time and tell her that this isn't about her and I still value her friendship. But because my work was so hectic this week I forgot to do that.

Now P has written an email to all of us in the house, and it's clear she's upset. I feel bad because I don't think I did a good job as her friend communicating with her.

So what do I do now to make amends and try to salvage my friendship with P, especially given that if they ever come to visit again, her boyfriend can't stay here? Even if it's not possible for her to want to be my friend in this situation, I want to do my best to be kind to her and make her feel welcome.

Should I continue to sleep with my best friend's sister?

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 19:05:58 -0800

Should I continue to sleep with my best friend's sister? Ok, I've asked quite a few of my friends, and they all seem to think that what I'm doing is OK.

So my best friend and coworker and I became very close after each of us got divorced, and we did have a brief relationship for a time. But she said that she wasn't interested in that kind of relationship with me. I was hurt, but I moved on, because I enjoyed spending time with her so much.

So we transitioned into a semi-platonic relationship (occasionally we kissed a little when drunk), and it remained that way for several months. And then her sister came to visit for several weeks. So my friend invites me out with both of them, and all three of us proceed to have a rip-roaring good time that evening. But it's obvious there's tremendous sparks between her sister and I. So we're sitting around my place, and her sister keeps trying to kiss me, and eventually I get into it. But nothing really happened that night.

But we'd exchanged phone numbers, and I talked to my friend, and she said that I could see her sister, but that any of the tomfoolery that we had been doing (I'm assuming the occasional kissing) would have to stop, which I was fine with.

So the sister and I keep texting and eventually we went on some dates and slept together.

So my friend completely freaks out and won't talk or look me (which is a little awkward at work). She says I completely broke her trust. Now her sister lives in a different state, so it's not like our time together was anything serious, more like a lark of two people very attracted to each other.

So her sister is coming back into to town next week and wants to see me. Should I see her?

I'm very interested in the sister, and I think, my friend should be OK with it, because she DOESN'T want that kind of relationship with me.

What should I do? Should I continue to see her sister?

So now, my kid is a shoplifter. Grumpy neighbor relations ensue.

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 08:15:32 -0800

My kid spent the night with his friend. The next day, thinking he's still at the friend's house, I get a phone call from the local grocery store. Seems my kid was shoplifting. Now, both of the mom's involved are angry with each other. I'm posting this anonymously, because I don't want my son to find this. The details are kind of ugly. Throwaway email at shopliftersmom@gmail.com. Apologies for the length.

The boys are 12 and 13. Mine is the younger one.

My son spent the night with his best friend. I'm friends and neighbors with the parents. The boys have had sleepover pretty often, both here and there. The last time their boy was over, we caught him smoking in the bathroom after we'd hidden every possible bit of tobacco and alcohol in the house. He's been known to steal cigarettes from his own parents and has been, in general, a troubled kid.

Saturday afternoon, I thought my boy was still at the friend's place, playing video games or whatever, when I get the call from the local grocery store. My son had been caught shoplifting.

I went and picked him up. The people there were more than reasonable. Actually, they were very, very kind. They'd even considered just letting him go, but I was glad they didn't. I figure if you're going to get in trouble, you might as well learn a lesson from it. He and his friend had walked there and my son said he was thirsty, but had no money, so he took a soda. We've been shopping at this place for years. They know me, my kids, and the other family involved. The store also has the best water fountain in town, just for the record.

He says his friend had no idea of what he'd done, which I find hard to believe. He'd asked them to let his friend go home, and they did.

Here's the tricky part. My kid is a straight A student with no history of bad behavior. His friend, on the other hand, has recently been allowed back to regular school, so there's a lot at stake for him if he gets caught misbehaving.

I tried to call the other parents before I left to get my son and they weren't home. The oldest daughter had been left with the phone and responsibility for the kids in their house. The boys left before the other parents did. The other parents also weren't home when I got back and went to collect my son's things. They didn't even know about the incident until Sunday. No, I didn't call. I was pretty angry and didn't want to be venting at the wrong target. On Sunday, the other mom called and left a message, which I tried to return, but got voice mail. Then, she showed up at my door and came on in, like usual. She seemed surprised that I was aggravated with her at all and stomped off mad at me. I mean, we usual have coffee or drinks together regularly, and I can't be grumpy about this?

Here's my beef. They left not knowing where the boys were. What they do know is that their son gets in trouble pretty often. No one called me to say they were leaving because they left their teenage daughter home and in charge. When they did find out what happened 24 hours later, there was nothing even remotely like a "sorry I lost track of your kid when he was in my care." And, their kid has a history of this kind of crap and mine doesn't. The boys' stories also don't entirely match up, and the other boy took an attitude with me when I picked up my son's things.

I know kids make stupid mistakes, and believe me, we are having repercussions. He's grounded. He's written letters of apology to the two folks whose day he made worse at the store. I sure don't see anymore sleepovers for a while at anyone's house.

We've all known about various dysfunctions with the other household. The mom I'm talking about has often come over to vent, and my kids have been considered positive influences to their kids. My kids know they are loved, but I'm generally one of those moms who doesn't take any crap.

I know this is long, but I guess my biggest questions are:

1. How I should feel about this and deal with it appropriately.
2. How I should feel about the other mom, who has been a long-time friend of the family, getting angry with me for feeling angry with her? She seemed super-offended that I was put out with her at all. If the situations had been reversed, I think I would have gotten a lot more grief.
3. This family friendship has been pretty one-sided for a long time. Is it time to just write it off as too much trouble?

Sex with an ex?

bananaskin — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 12:15:25 -0800

I'd like to hear stories or comments from others who have slept with their exes. I am a woman in my 40's....I had dated my ex-boyfriend for about 2 years, off and on. He was an alcoholic & liar during that time. Slept with other women without telling me supposedly during our "off" times, but there were definately overlapping times in which he never disclosed what he was doing. I found out and broke it off, then we got back together and on the cycle went. He no longer sleeps with other women, or so he says. Of course I do not believe him. He stopped drinking 6 months ago. But his basic selfishness & dishonesty continued.

Anyway, during our last break up & no contact for 6 weeks, I finally caved and called him to come over in the middle of the night, "just for sex". Of course, he comes over, jumping at the chance for sex. I had thought in the past, and wonder now if sex was his sole or main desire all along, not a real relationship.

We now have done this 2 times, and the experience was good, I guess. It was just plain sex. There was no intimacy. In fact, the whole thing from beginning to end was in the dark with absolutely no eye contact. I still hate him, but feel good to have this physical comfort, being quite lonely. I am "using" him now, and that feels like some sort of revenge, but I am sure he is not being hurt at all in this, as he enjoys it too.

I just wonder, how do you keep from getting hurt out of something like this? This really is not my nature, as I really want to have an emotional, real, relationship with sex growing out of that. I have found that I feel a little sad and dissappointed with the emptiness, being that the sex is devoid of any communication, intimacy, sharing of emotion. But I find if he just comes over late at night, then leaves right away, I can sort of "compartmentalize" this away from the rest of my daily life.

At the same time, it does feel a little liberating to just use him for sex and enjoy it just for that.

Any other people out there who have done this and have some stories to share or advice?
Thank you.

I want him to know I can relate to his dark side but how to bring it up after the fact?

Anonymous — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 18:25:45 -0800

How do I properly initiate contact with a person who dumped me because he thought I may not sexually accept the way he is? How can I let him know that I'm the same way too? This is hard to ask but I am not sure how to go about it. For anyone who has advice... how would you go about letting the friend who dated you but distanced away due to dark sexual matters, know you are actually into the same thing? You see, I lead on to make him believe that I don't have the capability to be into S&M, however, part of me really is. I just need to trust them first. I noticed he was trying to incorporate some subtle hints but was too scared to go all the way with me. He never bothered to ask. It was less than 4 months of dating but I truly feel he doesn't know that I totally get him. I was just scared to go there with him. We check on each other once in a while but I want to go to the next level to tell him I can relate to his dark matter. Is there anyone here who understands the distance and embarrassment of what he might be going through? I know I may not be asking correctly but if you need more detail you can email me at IamNotHere87@gmail.com

Reuniting with a headmaster for an expensive school in Australia named Ron..

Quarter Pincher — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 07:54:53 -0800

I'm looking for a forgotten chat-friend from over 10 years ago. All I remember is that his first name is Ron, and he was a headmaster at a school in eastern Australia, got to drive a Aston Martin as a work benefit, and once took a group of students to visit America in the Seattle area. He gave me some advice that I later took up, and would like to tell him how much of a difference (good) it's made. I might remember his last name if I saw it. Is there a way to find a list of headmasters of all schools in eastern Australia, that are wealthy enough to offer their headmasters an Aston Martin as a company car? I recall him having told me the name of the school and I looked up the site just once, back then, so I might vaguely recall that if I saw it, also. Any ideas on where to start looking?

How can I help a friend whose partner has been arrested?

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 06:50:52 -0800

Help me comfort a friend whose partner was just arrested for the local equivalent of grand theft. Friend A's partner B was just arrested for stealing at least $20k worth of goods from work over a few years.

Yesterday, A returned home to their apartment that had been searched under a warrant and has had her possessions seized. There are also potential legal implications for her.

A was initially under the impression that B had merely been buying said goods at a discounted staff rate and selling them on at a profit but has just found out that he had actually stolen them. He admitted that this began a year ago and essentially had kept it from her despite her constant warnings that the buying-at-discount-selling-at-profit might get him (and her) into trouble.

She is complete wreck because she has to deal with the tenancy agreements and other related issues but right now the last straw is the dishonesty on his part. She feels obligated to support him through this terrible time (he is scared and is really just a nice guy who made a series of stupid mistakes and in the course of their relationship treated her like a princess) but is also naturally angry with him and unsure about the relationship.

3 Questions:
- What should she do? (I expect the answers won't be conclusive)
- How can I comfort her?
- How can I comfort him, given that he has become a friend through her?

Not looking for any legal advice, there are already lawyers involved.

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

rinosaur — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 10:09:51 -0800

Help me keep a friend's spirits up during October! My very best friend in the world has to work every day of next month at her already soul-crushing job. I'll be sending her some mail throughout the month and other little things like that, but I want to think of one special little thing I can do for her for each of the five weekends she'll have to work while the rest of our group is off enjoying all the fall activities there are to be had.

Ideas so far are hand delivering a cupcake one day, showing up to take her to lunch, sending fake flowers (or real), or leaving something for her at her house for her after a long weekend work day. The only caveat is that she works in a heavily secured building, so I won't be able to get access to her desk without her knowing it. Potential inspiration - fall is her very favorite season, and I feel like she'll be missing out on some of the fun, so fall-themed ideas are extra special!

Thanks everyone!

Friends and girlfriends...ugh.

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 15:21:50 -0800

I am in what is, for all intents and purposes, a great relationship. But there is one recurring issue which to me is a big deal, and I’m out of ideas of how to deal. This is going to be a bit long… We are both women in our mid-to-late 20s. We’ve been together for 4 years, living together for 3. We have a ridiculously good relationship most of the time: similar values, similar vision for our (presumably shared) future, no conflicts around chores, that kind of thing, plus we’re still into each other and just generally totally in love. Now here’s the problem: there is some big issue around my best friend. My best friend is my ex from forever ago, who I dated for two years and then we broke up because we had NO chemistry and realized that obviously we were just meant to be friends. She is not the easiest person to like, but is not a bad person, either. My partner moved to live with me, and to the same city where my friend also lives, though my partner and I have now moved a few hours away. At first, my partner would sometimes hang out with us, usually in a group of other friends of mine, but would be really silent and withdrawn. Then, she decided to stop hanging out with those folks. Fine. While it would have been nice for everyone to get along, I don’t expect someone I’m with to be friends with my friends. But then she started freaking out every time I went out with my best friend. Like, crying (which she rarely does otherwise), being really needy, etc., and because I have some serious guilt issues, it would make me feel awful and eventually meant that I was hanging out less with my friend, which then of course caused issues with said friend.
So, cut to now: we live in a different city, it’s been 3 years since the start of all of that…and nothing seems to have changed. She still gets all weird if I want to call my friend to talk on the phone for a bit, and it’s pretty much impossible for me to plan to go and visit. I try to talk to her about it each time it comes up, but she’s not good at communicating what she’s feeling, so it always ends up with me feeling like I’m talking at her. I’ve tried to reassure her over and over that there is absolutely nothing other than friendship between me and friend, and that partner is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I’m actually okay if she’s feeling jealous because of friend and my shared history or whatever; it’s the not taking responsibility and not dealing with it, and making me feel awful (okay, I know, she can’t *make* me feel anything) that’s the issue. I don’t know what to do. It feels really controlling to me, and while it now doesn’t come up all that often, because I avoid talking about friend or calling or whatever, because the situation’s so stressful, it’s the kind of thing that could eventually lead to a relationship breakdown.
So what do you think? Is there something I’m missing here, in terms of what I’m doing wrong? Do you have any advice that could help me to get her to change? Am I being an asshole? I really, really love her and want to make our relationship great, but I can’t do it alone…

How to deal with a narcissist?

tastybrains — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 10:18:09 -0800

I mistakenly became friends with a narcissist, who I also work with. I've avoided a confrontation with her, but she keeps prying to find out if I'm mad at her or don't like her anymore, and I feel like eventually I am going to have to explain myself. But how do you tell a narcissist that you just don't care about them without having them explode? Last year I began working with another woman my age, who on the surface has a lot in common with me -- we're the only 2 in our current position, we're working towards the same graduate degree, we have similar work backgrounds, we live in the same town, and we have similar interests. Since we're both in our late 20's and most of our coworkers have children our age, we started to hang out a lot, both in and out of work. At the time, my husband was spending 3 weeks of each month working in another state, and while I have a good amount of friends, most are 45 min to an hour away, so it was nice to have someone really close to grab a cup of coffee with or go to the gym with.

I knew she was diagnosed as bipolar and had some issues with authority (she routinely pushes the envelope at work, getting "spoken to" regularly, while I tend to be more cautious than I need to). I also became aware that she has never had any close friends for a long period of time, or boyfriends.

I don't know why it took me so long to realize that what I first perceived as confidence was really just batshit insanity. She constantly contradicts herself or blatantly breaks rules, and absolutely throws a tantrum if you do not encourage and support her in everything she does.

A few examples:
She brought a date to a workday, company meeting because there was ice cream and swag, and when I pointed out that it was a little strange to do so and that I wanted to make sure she saw the "employees only" note on the posters for said meeting, she blew up, insisting that I was just trying to stress her out and that a real friend would tell her she was sure she'd get away with it ... and that of COURSE she saw the "employees only" sign and that maybe that was WHY she was bringing a date in the first place, and how could I ever doubt that she would miss such a detail?

Once I asked her, politely, to stop detailing her crash dieting (stuff like "I only ate a banana yesterday, it makes me feel so good to do that!") because I have my own issues with dieting and food, and she started screaming that I was insane because it had nothing to do with me and that I was being selfish to ask her to stop talking about a topic that interested her. I believe my exact wording to trigger her reaction was "You know, I really am uncomfortable discussing dieting, can we please change the subject?"

Another time, she pointed out an overweight woman (who was smaller than me -- as I am also overweight) and said "Oh my God, I can't believe I was ever heavy. I look at people like that, and I just get so grossed out that anyone could be like that. And then I think I used to be almost that overweight, and I just hate myself!" And I said, offended, "Don't you think that is really offensive to me and anyone else you know who is overweight??" And she exploded at me about how I take everything too personally and that a comment she makes about someone else is not a reflection of me.

Anyway, the past year is full of such stories. I simply cannot be friends with this girl, and yet because she is so out of touch with reality, she can't just seem to accept that I don't like her. The last time I tried to explain that I thought it was better that we don't hang out, she started arguing with me about it, and the next day informed me that she had a good talk with her therapist about me and gave me a copy of The Four Agreements (I don't know either).

I feel like almost any outright confrontation is dangerous, because (1) we work together, (2) we go to school together, and (3) she doesn't handle any form of rejection well.

At the same time, I feel like I have to be ready to say something, because she keeps trying to push my boundaries, and whenever I turn her invitations to do stuff down, she says things like "I'm starting to feel offended, like you don't like me!"

I have been so stressed over having to deal with her on a regular basis that my anxiety has become exacerbated, I've lost sleep, had nightmares, and dreaded work (which I otherwise love). Note that I don't really have to see her frequently at work as we work on independent projects, but we are on the same team so there are weekly status meetings and whatnot.

So how do I manage this? She simply does NOT seem to get the hint.

I'm not comfortable bringing my boss into this because (1) she loves said coworker, and (2) this is primarily a personal issue.

Friends don't stress friends out!

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:49:39 -0800

How do you extricate yourself from a family-oriented friendship? Very long and pathetic story to follow. About eighteen months ago, my child became friendly with a classmate. We hosted a play date that went swimmingly well. I liked the Mom quite a bit. This led to a reciprocated play date at their house, where we eventually ended up becoming family friends – Dads enjoyed each other’s company, kids played nice, Moms hung out. All was good. I thought it was great that we all were nice new friends. In fact, we spent the majority of the summer together, and even did holidays at each other’s houses.

Well, as my friendship with the new Mom evolved, she started to confide in me that she was involved in a long-established affair with another married male (who also had kids), and had long ago kind of checked out on her marriage. In fact, she actually hated her husband. Now mind you, our kids are now absolute buddies, and talk about each other endlessly and go to school together five days a week in the same class. I was kind of OK with just being aware of the situation, but as time went on, the volunteering of information became, well, a little TMI. The wheres, the whens, the hows. It was mentioned to me that there was a pregnancy scare and Plan B was involved. When I kind of brought up the What the FUCK?! Factor, as in, don’t you have enough going on? She said that they (she and her, uh, paramour?) discussed the thought of having a baby together and liked the idea, but then freaked when the possibility became a reality and bailed. TWICE. When I asked what would happen should the Plan B not work, how would she deal with the fact that she wasn’t sleeping with her spouse (except for the occasional mercy fuck) yet somehow get pregnant? She said that her husband wouldn't be smart enough to figure it out. (She is forever talking shit about him/his intelligence, etc.)

I tried to remain outside of the circle, especially since her husband happens to be a really nice guy. He apparently was aware that she had fooled around on him at one point, but was under the impression that it had ended a while back (to date, it’s now been about three years running). I also asked why they don’t just get a divorce; she sighted financial reasons, and also claimed that for all his faults, her husband is, in fact, a good father. They supposedly attempted counseling, though I never heard more about that after one or two tries.

Her child left the school to go on to a different district last year, so that kind of helped separate the situation. Still the kids missed each other, and I would regularly get calls and emails asking for play dates. I would kind of blow them off, or we would end up rescheduling. The few times we did get together, the conversation was kept very basic. My child regularly talked about how much she missed her friend, and would beg me to call the Mom and see when we could get together (this still happens pretty frequently). I try and change the topic, not really giving an answer, or say that everybody's busy the next few weekends, not really knowing how to explain the situation.

We went for about four or five months without communicating and I suddenly got a call about two weeks ago. It was a really bad time for me to talk and I never returned the call or sent an email.

And now to convolute the story further, her husband found me on FB this morning, wanting to know how I’ve been, and what’s been going on. Inevitably, he’s going to ask why I haven’t been around and what’s the story. It kills me to know what is going on, yet I feel I have no right (nor do I have any intention) to tell him.

How am I supposed to explain to my kid that I cut off our relationship with this family because of this person’s scruples?

Throwaway email: harriedparent@gmail.com

How to be a good friend to those in open relationships?

Anonymous — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 06:16:58 -0800

Help me navigate the perils of being a friend to people in an open relationship. I have two friends, let's call them Andrew and Beth, who are in an open relationship. I've been friends with Andrew longer, but consider myself friends with both individually.

Beth and I talk more often, and in more depth, than Andrew and I. We can probably chalk that up to the usual gender stuff, I'm a guy and don't often talk to other guys about our emotions and whatnot (it happens, but much more rarely).

Lately Beth has been talking to me about her relationship with Charlie (who I don't know). As I said, Andrew and Beth have an open relationship, and as far as I know Andrew's fully aware of Charlie and doesn't have a problem with it.

I don't know if Andrew knows that I'm giving Beth relationship advice, though. And I'm worried about it coming back to bite me, that I could find myself linked to any drama between the two of them.

If I tell Beth I don't feel comfortable giving her relationship advice, I'm not being a very supportive friend. It also contradicts the precedent of me giving her advice on non-romantic but personal matters in the past. Furthermore, not having a third party outlet or a sounding board might end up leading her into more drama with Andrew than she would otherwise (I'm not sure if she has any close friends who aren't also friends with Andrew). Finally, it might send the message that I think of her and Andrew as a couple-unit rather than as individual friends.

If I continue giving Beth advice, Andrew might feel betrayed if he finds out I was supportive of (or suggested) something that he feels was damaging to their relationship.

If I try to give Beth advice that guides her more towards Andrew and away from Charlie, that's super arrogant on my part to try to impose my vision of her love life when I was asked for impartial support as a third (uh, fourth I guess) party.

If I ask Andrew whether he's comfortable with me giving Beth advice, Beth may take that as a betrayal of her trust and/or be offended by the idea that I need permission from my "real" friend before I can play friend to her.

This all seems like a big dramatic minefield and I'm not sure how to navigate it. Does anyone have any history or precedent dealing with friends in open relationships? Any speculation on how I should proceed?

How to help a very depressed friend?

mpls2 — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 10:42:12 -0800

How to help a very depressed friend? I have a good friend who's become very obviously depressed over the past couple of years, while occasionally dropping hints about it. He's a very private person, and has trained himself very well to keep up appearances, so even a hint from him is a serious statement. Today at lunch, I told him that he seemed lost, and he basically admitted that he's depressed, and that it's related to feeling too old--he mentioned something about not being able to date girls in their mid-twenties any more (he's 35), and I asked him if that's what makes him feel lost or depressed, and he said yeah, that's part of it, or maybe all of it.

He's mid-thirties, he's very good looking, fit, tall; he's traveled the world, he reads book, he watches movies, he's getting his MBA... so he's got a lot going for him. He's dated attractive under-30 girls as recently as a couple years ago, so I think his feelings about being undatable or whatever are pretty unrealistic. I mean, it's obviously depression talking.

My dilemma is that, although we know and trust each other very well, we don't have a very emotionally open friendship, and so I'm not sure how to help him without violating some unspoken boundaries or making him uncomfortable. So, for most people, this might be similar to a softball buddy type relationship.

I know this is a fairly common question, but hope that the details might elicit more specific answers. Thanks for your thoughts.

Like guy friend of mine with girlfriend, how to tell him?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 08:37:24 -0800

Telling a male friend of mine, who's all sorts of awesome, that I like him and would be very interested in dating him for the forseeable future. Catch? Girlfriend. In college. Met a guy two years in a small class, he was nice and I developed a small crush on him. Over the course of two years, I got to know him better from acquaintance to friend, and he's got the best attitude toward everything, is kind, caring, and giving. He's had some hard times in the past (lost a parent to cancer) but remains honest, upbeat. We're talking just Good Material here.

Of course over the course of time I never told him I was interested (due to insecurity issues of my own), and he got a girlfriend, who I might recognize by face but barely know.

I'm wrapping up my study abroad program now, and he began to text me on my American cell phone a couple of months ago--I certainly did not give him my number, and had no idea who it was at first. We kept up the email/text communication, and, so far, I've tried not to say anything I wouldn't want his girlfriend to read, but it has gotten, at times emotionally intimiate--things that would be absolutely fine if I wasn't interested in him, but can also happen given that I am interested in him.

We'll be back at college in August and he's been saying, "Oh, we need to go out and celebrate your being back!" Again--I've done this with guys who've had girlfriends, but I always knew their girlfriends well enough that I knew it wasn't a problem (for my own emotions), I perhaps liked the guy as more than a friend but loved him with his girlfriend too much, thought the guy is attractive but wouldn't date him in a million years, but I've never been friends with a guy with a girlfriend that I've actually liked, so don't know how to tread here.

I would like to tell him that he's a great person, and through my experience dating other men (I've probably dated about 4 men--no boyfriends--over the time I've known him, so I'm not pining after him) I've realized what great qualities he has, and I want to put my name in the hat if he's ever available.

My questions are:
(a) is it unreasonable to assume he likes me? We text a LOT, usually several times a day, just about our daily lives. He usually starts it.
(b) why did he contact me out of the blue? We were friends (we'd have dinner on campus, but wouldn't go past that), so he certainly stepped it up out of the blue.
(c) How should I go about telling him? I also want to make it clear I am NOT trying to break him up with his girlfriend, but life is short, and he's a GREAT person, and I would be willing to be more flexible with my plans for the chance to spend time with a person like that. This guy is grounded, kind, generous, and honorable.
(d) Is this a good idea?
(e) Want to emphasize that I still want to be friends with him.

Before anyone says, "But he's being emotionally intimate with you, and he has a girlfriend," I want to stress that I believe he's been very honorable in his communication with me, and truly nothing has passed between us that is at all questionable.

Thank you, MeFites!

I need some poker buddies

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 15:17:41 -0800

Where to meet and make friends with real men? First off, I'm not gay. I'm looking for guys to hang out with and become friends with.

After many years of struggling to become more palatable to my current friends, I feel like I've had to change who I am to fit in. I enjoy dirty jokes, rap, and comedians like Adam Carolla. Most of my friends seem to be more concerned with how they are perceived by society and what folks think about them to really let their hair down and have a good time.

I live in a mid-sized metro area in the Midwest, have finished grad school, and am 30 years old. I'd like to meet folks who are OK with the occasional off-color joke, like sports, like to play poker, enjoy the occasional cigar, and aren't whipped.

Are there any places besides bars where such guys hang out?

Her life is over as we know it.

nataliedanger — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 08:39:27 -0800

What should I put in a care package for a friend who is starting law school in the fall? One of my closest friends is starting law school next semester. The school emailed her and said to have fun this summer, cause it's the last chance at a social life she'll have for the next 8-10 years. So I am presuming she'll not really have a life... and I want to make the transition easier! I'm thinking standard care-package things... like cookies and chocolate and idk... booze or something. But I want more specific, law-schooley things. What do you think?

Do I Tell Her Why We Don't Hang Out Anymore?

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 12:57:30 -0800

Do I Tell Her? I have a friend that I no longer enjoy hanging out with. She wants to know why I haven't been in touch. Let's call her Kelly.

Kelly has a magnetic personality. When we first met, it was fun. We have a few things in common, so we started to hang out from time to time. I guess that's typical of how a new friendship begins.

But, over time, I've found that I don't enjoy hanging out with Kelly. That's how new friendships work, sometimes, right? Sometimes they bloom and sometimes they don't.

Kelly is loud and overbearing in social settings. A conversation can feel more like an argument because she will keep pushing and pushing, constantly restating her point even when you agree with her. It can feel like she's having a conversation AT you rather than with you. Also, she doesn't seem to pick up on social cues, which means you get stuck in a conversation with her. At one point, I saw someone pull a fake exit on her with a "What's that, Tom? Hang on" so he could end a conversation with Kelly (but Tom wasn't even talking!)

Also, Kelly's drinking gets out of hand and it can be embarrassing to be around her. The more she drinks, the louder and needier she gets. Kelly drinks a lot.

She has been pestering me about whether I'm avoiding her, and it's true that I am. The question is, do I tell her why? Complication: We have some friends in common and Kelly is the gossipy sort. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but it's becoming clear that I can't just ignore her. And maybe she needs to know how others see her?

What do I do? What would you do?

Helping a friend after her first-ever breakup

Jacen Solo — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 07:30:57 -0800

How can I help a friend through her first-ever breakup? A friend of mine is going through a breakup with her boyfriend of about two years, who is also her first boyfriend. She's broken up with him before... for 4 days. And she is very emotionally attached to him (she hasn't used the word "love," but I'd call it that). This time there's an ultimatum coming down from the boyfriend and from her parents, so it's (hopefully) final; but she's having a really hard time with it. He's been a huge part of her life for these two years; best friend by far, most of her social life, and a big part of how she defines herself.

Complicating the situation is that they aren't "officially" broken up yet---even though apparently he's said that it must happen soon. So they're e.g. still sleeping together, going out on dates, etc. Unhealthy, obviously, but she is happy to gather up any tidbits of affection he throws her way.

He has a bunch of complaints about her behavior, mostly having to do with being flirty toward other men, and apparently likes lecturing her on them repeatedly (perhaps a kinder way of putting it would be "explaining why they need to break up"). This is devastating to her self-esteem, but she's so attached that her only response is "yeah, I fucked up, now give me another chance."

So I'd like to help her as much as I can, and am looking for advice from you guys on how to do so. I think the first-boyfriend/first-breakup paradigm is the most salient detail, perhaps along with the dragged-out breakup and how he's such a big part of her life. Also note that I'm male, so any suggestions of the "girls night out" type don't exactly work.

Obviously I'm not expecting a miracle cure for the breakup blues from AskMeFi, but it seemed like a good use of this week's question to help a friend out. I couldn't find anything too helpful on AskMeFi previously, but if you can, or even some particularly nice Google results (I do prefer "real people's" advice though via AskMeFi), that'd be cool too.

The universal mateship code

vizsla — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 03:49:28 -0800

Anyone who has been to Australia or talked to any Australian males (sometimes females) will know they frequently call people they have never met before or even people they're angry with: "mate". What other expressions of universal male bonding are used in other countries?

Lunch with female friends other than your girlfriend is ok?

salsa buena — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 10:20:43 -0800

I have a girlfriend and my best friend is female. Should I feel guilty having lunch with my friend? Me and my girlfriend have been talking lately. She really feels that the fact that I don't mention that I have lunch with my friend makes her a bit suspicious. We have both acknowledged that she can get a little jealous of my friend because we're close. I've been with my gf for 3 years now and I've known my friend for 20 years. Me and my friend have never been intimate and my gf knows her personally.

Now, she is asking me to inform her every time I go to lunch with my friend or any other female for that matter whether its a friend or a co-worker. I wouldn't ask the same of her, I would just trust her and believe that she wouldn't do anything to disrespect our relationship.

Part of me is saying I shouldn't give in to this request because I'd feel like I have to report what I'm doing or whom I spend my money on just to put her insecurity at ease. If I give in, what's next?

Another part of me wishes to want to make her feel at ease. I love the fact that she talked to me about what is bothering her and I really want to come to a solution. Not sure where to go from here.

Help me choose a gift for a hard to buy for female friend.

t0astie — Sun, 31 May 2009 06:46:00 -0800

I want to buy a small cheering, comforting, gift for a friend who has recently endured financial troubles, a relationship breakup, the start of a new job and an interstate move - and moved back in with her parents. But we have very different tastes and I'm at a bit of a loss as to what, exactly, I might get her. She's had a really rough time and while things are looking up, she's still quite sad a lot. She's the epitome of a good egg - a really decent chick - and I'd like to send her something that will provide a little comfort and good cheer. We know each other through work and are good friends, but not best friends.

The sticking point is, everything I think of as a nice gift, I know she wouldn't like! She doesn't drink tea or coffee, so those are out; she's on a very strict low carb diet so sweeties and gourmet goodies are out; not a big drinker, so booze is out; she doesn't do cute, so Etsy stationery or funky craft is out (I know this for definite because I gave her something like this once and she was just nonplussed); and she doesn't really go for fancy bath/body /candles/ homewares either. Gift certificates are no good - we don't have the kind of friendship where I could send her what is essentially money.

Things she *does* like, and what she's like: she's a journalist, a really good writer and whip-smart, but everything journalism related just seems a bit too heavy for the kind of cheer-up experience I'm after. The only other thing I can think of is she likes sudoku and crossword puzzles. But I gave her a sudoku book a while ago.

Arrrrrrgh! Also, I have $30AUD to spend, we're both in different parts of Australia, and it has to be postable.

Help me hive!

Warn and risk losing a friendship? Or just feign ignorance?

Anonymous — Thu, 28 May 2009 18:57:42 -0800

I have a delicate matter on my hands regarding a lady friend. I have recently discovered on the Internet a short movie of her, on a porn site, during which she was in a photo shoot. It isn't actual porn, she's just semi-nude.

The question is - how do I act? Do I tell her I have found the video? Warn her that it may come back later to harm her if she will become a public figure at some point? Or just pretend I didn't see it?

What do you suggest?