Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with friend

Where them like-minded people at?

Anonymous — Fri, 17 May 2013 15:55:38 -0800

I need a major friend refresh/revamp. What are actionable steps I can take to find like-minded people, and in particular people that will both give/take in the fun department? I'm in my mid-twenties and really really sick of my friend group. They're okay people, but I've known many of them for many years and we've never really "clicked" into being close friends, so I feel like it's time to accept that it's NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. (By lack of closeness I mean that I don't feel comfortable sharing with them personal details of my life -- in times of trouble I would not confide in them). Most of the people I consider my best friends live in other cities.

Recently, (over the past 6-8 months) I've gone from feeling neutral to being actively annoyed at them constantly. In addition to the lack of "click", I feel that I am too often the fun organizer / ring-leader, so if I don't come up with the thing we are doing and recruit each and every member to do it, working past any obstacles or reluctant members (e.g. time conflicts, being forced into something else by significant others, etc.) then just, nothing happens, people complain "why didn't you organize X" and I am super frustrated. /rant

Anyhow, I'd like to retire from this role, take these people down to the acquaintance/occasional hangout level, so I can stop feeling trapped in a giant friend circle I don't even like. But I have no idea how to proceed with finding people who won't bother me in these ways -- ideally some people who will also be producers and not just consumers of fun. I have many

As far as interests go, I'm really into music (go to shows 1-2 times per week), but otherwise no particular niche hobbies -- just looking for fun-loving people (in the major US city in which I live) who are smart, down for a good time, and could potentially turn into more of a close friend. FYI I'm an extrovert and love meeting new people, but I like around 1-2 quiet nights in per week. The rest of my life is in good order, I love my SO and my job a lot, so this is this main department I want to improve.

I guess what I need help with is taking this goal (new friends in my city) and breaking it down into some actionable tasks I can actually make progress on. I've met a couple friends via dating websites, but you know how flaky people are when you're online dating? Multiply that by 100x and that's how flaky they are when friend-dating.

My roommate is driving me nuts and I'm wondering what my options are

antgly — Thu, 09 May 2013 09:42:32 -0800

Basically I paid $400 (really cheap rent) for a small room sublet in Bensonhurst and one of my friends with benefits (who I knew for about a month), heard about my situation incidentally and kept on asking me to split rent with him in the Bronx. It's not a particularly bad area and it was financially feasible (he lives alone and his dad pays half his rent just as a nice gesture, so we'd split the remaining amount - $250 a month on me and the rest on him - about the same). So primarily for financial reasons, as I could save money on rent, I started moving my things and called my landlord to tell him I'm leaving this month within a couple weeks. So it comes to this... me and him have some fun and it seems all fine until his female friend has to stay with him for a short while. He and her speak Spanish most of the time, so I only understand like 20% of the Spanish. They both seem to have their own shared issue with me, which I feel is due to some jealousy of attention as each one thinks the other one is spending more time with me than themselves.

He's become a total tyrant recently (after all the fun has passed and he's basically gotten past me in his adventures). I would say that he has few real friends and feels like he's my parent. He is always asking me where I am and feels like my business is his business. He gets negative and offensive to me and gets rabid when I don't let him get into my personal business, even threatening to get me out of his place. I don't mind that he's a neat-freak - that is not really a problem as I try my best to keep things neat around the place. Sometimes I feel that he is mentally unstable.

The lease is on him and his dad, even though he lives there by himself.

I originally left my grandpa's apartment (technically stepgrandpa's place) before I moved into my old room sublet because he was financially leeching off me and would read my mail despite me not giving permission and would live large at my expense even though he'd make $60,000 and live in a rent-controlled apartment.

I'm wondering what I should do. Should I try to get back to the old place or should I stay at my convenience until I find something better? Is there something better? Like a better apartment or somewhere I can stay that fits into my income? I make $40,000 a year currently as a mobile developer in a company working full-time 5 days a week.

I'm wondering if there are any other options that I have other than attempting to get back to my old place. If I will have to move my bags again, I would rather move them to a newer and nicer place than my old place.

Obsessed With a Friend

Anonymous — Tue, 07 May 2013 14:08:51 -0800

I've been married for 9 years and have been faithful in every way. I recently became close with a member of the opposite sex who I truly value as a friend. But I find myself thinking about this person way too much, and I am not sure how to deal with it. I am not going to cheat on my partner, and this friend is also friends with my spouse and I know they would never act on any feelings they may or may not have.

I became friends with this person about a year ago, and slowly I realized there was a connection between us that has become a true and deep friendship, which is great and unexpected at this stage in my life, except for the fact that for the past month or so I can't seem to stop thinking about this person.

My question is how to get this person off my mind, because it's eating up a surprising amount of my time. Thinking about this person makes me happy, but I want to find a way to stop because I feel like I'm not in control of my own feelings and it's actively making it hard for me to concentrate on other things.

The thing that I hate about you is everything.

mskyle — Wed, 01 May 2013 11:06:16 -0800

How do you dial it back when you've gotten to the point where you seem to be permanently, irrationally annoyed with someone? Imagine that this is a person who you can't avoid completely - a coworker, roommate, in-law, something like that. First off, I hope people understand what I'm talking about here, and that I'm not the only one who gets this way. Sometimes I get to the point where just EVERYTHING someone does irritates me. It might start off where it's something small, like a coworker causing me problems through his/her incompetence, or a friend's significant who I just don't much care for, or a roommate with different standards of cleanliness, or whatever. But sometimes, if I'm not careful to head it off, eventually I get to the point where being in the person's presence is like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Like, there's this one person; I have tried to be lovingkind and mindful and recognize their inner beauty but I just cannot think of one good thing to say about them. Which is crazy! This person is not, like, Eichmann; but seriously, that's the best I can come up with as far as nice things to say. Maybe I need to get to know this person better? But this person's tendency to overshare is already one of the things that irritates me.

I recognize that these feelings have a lot to do with dissatisfaction with my own life, and I'm working on making some changes there. And for what it's worth, these feelings aren't pervasive or consuming my thoughts (I don't have deep ongoing feuds with my coworkers or anything). And sometimes, in the early stages, I'm able to be more generous and head it off.

So what I'm really asking about is how to turn things around once they've already gotten bad. We don't need to become best friends but I am wasting a stupid amount of energy on this.

So very jealous.

Trexsock — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 16:08:37 -0800

How do I deal with this jealousy? Let me preface this by saying that I've never been a particularly jealous person and that I've never had this problem with past relationships. Furthermore, my past long term relationship included my partner going out with friends often and I've never even felt slightly as I do now.

I'm a female (early-mid twenties) in a relationship with another (mid-late twenties) female. We haven't been together for very long (nearing a month now) and currently occupy the same space. Not to detract from the question being asked, but this has happened because my previous relationship turned abusive and well, one thing turned to another and I ended up here.

Now, I realize I have problems of the mental health kind (I've been diagnosed with clinical depression years ago, and suspect I have some form of anxiety disorder) and have started the process to look for help for these: have already registered with the nearest health center, etc. However, it may take a long time to actually be seen by a Doctor/Therapist at all and I have no means (or funds) to resort to the private health sector.

For my actual question: Right so, my partner has a very good friend (female) she's known for years. They talk on a daily bases and they're often seen texting each other to and fro.

And this... it really really really really really bothers me.

I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I know they're irrational and I know that it's not that I don't trust her. I really just don't know how to fix this about myself. A glance at her when she's typing on her phone will send me to the verge of tears, which is pretty stupid (of myself). I'll, of course, mention this to the doctor/therapist/psychiatrist whenever I see them, but until them. How can I possibly help this?

Also, It's not that I feel uncomfortable talking to her about this as much as feeling that it really it has nothing to do with her, or at the very least, not directly. My problematic feelings are the issue here, not hers. I feel incredibly selfish and self-conscious to even feel like this, least bringing my feelings up.

Thanks in advance for the insight.

"Validate meeee"

sockandawe — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 04:45:37 -0800

How to be a better friend to a very insecure person. So, I've been friends with this person, call him B, for ages. B is accomplished, popular, kind, personable, smart, and has CRIPPLINGLY low self-esteem. I understand the circumstances that have led to this and I empathise with him. But I find it hard to take him in large doses because of the constant validation and reassurance that he seeks.

Even a situation which has no link to him, he finds a way of twisting into being his fault. Does that make sense? For example, say we're on the phone, and I, like, yawn or something, he'll go, "I'm so sorry to call you when you're so tired, I feel so guilty"; if he's got a problem, he cannot talk about it without prefacing it with, "I'm so sorry to burden you with all this,", etc. He will not say this sort of thing just once. Hell no. He'll keep saying it until he is absolutely satisfied that he is worrying about nothing. I find it exhausting to have to constantly reassure him. "No, no, it's fine, I'm not too tired to talk." "No, no, I'm interested, please go ahead." Once he sent me a text while I was asleep, so I didn't reply immediately; I woke up to a barrage of texts asking why I was angry with him because I hadn't replied immediately.

Not only is he terribly sensitive to imagined slights, he thinks that others will be similarly sensitive. He is overly solicitous of me and his other friends. This also bugs me, but I know it is not his fault; he doesn't realise that not EVERYONE wants to be treated the way he would like to be.

He also allows mutual acquaintances to bully him into doing things he doesn't want to do, which makes me crazy to see, and I often jump in to defend him from the bullies.

At the moment I do the whole 'ding-training' thing for whenever he apologises unnecessarily but it doesn't seem to work. I think he finds it funny, but it doesn't stop him.

Whenever he finds a way of blaming himself for something which is not his fault I try to point that out to him in a kind but unsentimental manner. I try to be straightforward and honest with him.

I know that this is entirely my problem because I can't hope to change this guy. How can I allow it to bug me less? He's staying with me for a few weeks next month, which I am mostly looking forward to but I am worried that I won't be able to hide my irritation if he acts too demanding or insecure. I want to be a good friend to him and make him feel good about himself, but not at the expense of my own patience or sanity.

FWIW, I am a female but there is no possibility of a romantic attachment between us as he is gay. Using my sockpuppet account so that I can keep this separate from my main Metafilter account. Sorry for the length.

A friend is need is a friend in need.

WeekendJen — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 10:42:11 -0800

Should I try to repair this friendship or let it fizzle and move on? I met my friend T about 9 years ago in college and we were close friends for about the last 6 years. Ahe was always more outgoing compared to me (I am a bit of a loner). Long details inside, thanks for taking the time to read... T is one of those people who invest a lot in their social life and expect a lot in return. She updates facebook about 5 times a day, is always initiating hang out time equally in one on one and group scenarios, and doesn't seem to like to spend much time alone. She is often domineering in group situations, needing to trump other's knowledge, stories, etc. She sometimes sort of takes over by force of loud. I'm pretty low key and enjoy spending time alone and prefer small hangouts to larger groups because I don't feel as connected to everyone in larger groups. However I enjoyed my friendship with T because there was never a shortage of things to do and while domineering, she was also supportive and would tell you how great you are and how much x sucks and is wrong to do or feel n towards you when I was down in the dumps. She often came and spent overnights with me when I lived in beachtowns and when I moved further away I made trips up to see her. We shared similar tastes in pop culture.

Over the past 2 years or so, both of our life situations have become stressful. She graduated college and got a job in newspaper reporting (she was a journalism major), but she didn't like the rediculously low pay and didn't see much chance to move up so she enrolled in a 2 year nursing school. Her parents support her, she lives at home, and they aid in school costs. Also over the past 2 years she had her first serious, albeit short, relationship and the guy dumped her. She developed a new hobby, running, ran a marathon and was training for additional marathons, superman runs and whatnot. She has been skiing since childhood and started volunteering as a ski patroller (this required heavy commuting) and eventually worked up to a part time paid patroller position.

I ended a six year relationship because I realized that my boyfriend at the time was never going to marry me and did not want kids. I started another relationship which is good, but it's very strained by external factors (immigration / citizenship issues). Basically logistics could ruin this relationship for me and I feel like my life is on hold while we try to work out these external things. I have also had extremem job dissatisfaction and no luck finding an alternative and I have a lot of anxiety because I have no financial support and if I loose my job and can't find a replacement I will lose my home. They are laying off people at my job and our company is merging with another by the end of the year, which will result in more layoffs.

So basically here's the problem. As the stresses piled on for both of us, we were able to vent to eachother and in turn would be told "you got this." However, at some point things shifted and I felt that when I was talking about some trouble, she would basically start saying how her trouble was worse and more serious. Because when I vent I really want more of a pick me up than a vent spiral, I withdrew a bit and stopped telling T of my troubles. Telling her my troubles started to turn into some sort of competition as to who has it harder and I was not interested at all in competing. T continued to vent to me and she seemed to exaggerate the gravity of her troubles more and more. things came to a head when she called because she was demoted back down to volunteer ski patrol after her and another patroller did something thath was a big no-no (i forget the technical details becaues I didn't understand too much of it) and broke some equipment. I tried to tell her that she would be ok and could work herself back up, its near the end of the season, learn and start fresh next season, more tiem to focus on school, etc. She responded by saying that she won't be happy unless she can be a full time ER nurse and a paid Ski PAtroller because she wants to be someone who is an expert, who really knows something thath others turn to. I said that she should be careful to not set herself up for disappointment as being both of those things at the same time is very time consuming and may not be doable, but she can still excel at nursing and skiing. She was also upset because she lost her only source of earned income and was planning to go on an expensive ski trip to Canada, to which i said that sucks, but if you need to save money maybe you could do a vacation next year or choose a closer place, daytrip, whatever. She exploded and basically said thath she wants it all and is devestated thath she can't get it. There is no option other than being all these things and going on this vacation she can't afford. Told me I was a shitty person and all that. I told her that I really didnt have the mental space to indulge in these dramatics and that being her friend as her expression of troubles escalated more and more felt unbalanced and taxing. huge fight.

Well the following week she broke her foot slipping on her floor, meaning she's out of patrolling fo rthe season, can't run, and can't complete her clinicals for school since she wasnt able to walk for a few weeks. Because it was so soon after our fight I texted her and said I heard she broke her foot, sorry to hear it, and hope it heals up fast and that her life will get back to normal because i know she's determined. She responded curtly "thanks friend." Later I realized she defriended me on Facebook (I'm not a big user but to her that's a big statement to make) then she texted to say that hshe doesn't like the state of our friendship and that she can't take time to bother with someone who won't even call and that I'm not "there" for her and too withdrawn. I just responded and said "Ok" because I don't want to deal with a dramatic "breakup".

She has been a friend for many years, but I feel we may have grown apart and I may be more at peace with myself while she is still trying to figure out where she fits in the world. But due to teh history I keep thinking maybe I should give it a shot and try to repair the friendship. Thoughts?

I'll just start sleeping with my shotgun then...

Shouraku — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 19:49:09 -0800

Boyfriend wants to help lifelong thief friend without becoming a victim. I live with my boyfriend, who I'll call “Sig.” Sig (30 years old) as a lifelong friend who I'll call “Rob.” Rob (40 years old) is a convicted thief. He was sent to jail and was released many years ago. He was charged with breaking and entering into a business and stealing some minor objects. He has not stolen anything (that we know of) since then.

Rob moved to the other side of the country and has been communicating with Sig over the internet and through an online game for five years since then.

In the last week, Rob was fired from the hotel that he worked at for stealing a small some of money. He started looking for a new job and had a few interviews, then seemingly out of nowhere he decided to seek vengeance by breaking into the hotel and stealing their computer. He used a key that he had, snatched the item, and stored it at his home. The hotel staff saw his car and asked for the items to be returned, which he did. The hotel threatened to press charges, and Rob responded by fleeing the state. The hotel eventually decided not to press charges (or so we have heard third hand).

Rob is now on his way back to our state to move in with his sister. He has asked to stay at our place until the room that his sister has prepared for him is ready. I swung my boundaries hammer at that suggestion and insisted that not only is he not to stay at our place, but is not to be told where we live, as I'm home alone some days and don't trust the way Rob seems to escalate situations when he feels desperate (which is my analysis of the hotel incident) .We discussed this, and Sig has agreed not to tell Rob anything about our home, however, he would still like to help his friend.

I have never met Rob in person, and quite frankly, am very quick to vanquish untrustworthy people from my life, so I am a very poor person to suggest ways in which he could Rob. I'm trying to avoid judging their lifelong friendship while still making sure that my safety is preserved. Thus, I beg for the wisdom of the hive mind:

1) Sig has agreed to give Rob $20 to help him in getting a hotel. Rob was given $200 by his parents, so the total sum should be enough to help Rob until his sister is ready. Is this advisable, or are there any dangers in doing this that we may not be aware of?

2) Is there anything else that Sig can do to help Rob that would be useful yet not put us in any danger?

Mutual friend suffers in aftermath of breakup

cleanslate — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 11:54:55 -0800

Perhaps I’m too blinded by my own sadness to recognize a needed intervention and a friend who is also hurting. Any advice on how to stop wallowing and suck it up for the sake of the friendship? Two months ago I went through a breakup. After 1.5 years, talks of marriage and babies, it was over. There was no betrayal or ugliness, just two people realizing they wanted different things in life, wishing each other well, and going their separate ways. Oh but how it still aches.

I distanced myself from a mutual friend (and his coworker) because I knew I’d be too tempted to ask about him, while at the same time fear she’d inadvertently clue me in to his whereabouts.

She’s periodically invited me out to the bar, and I respond with a thanks but I’m not ready yet. Last night she sent a rather passive-aggressive text telling me not to worry because I won’t be hearing from her anymore.

I reiterated that I missed her and I feel crappy about the whole thing, and I’m sorry she’s caught up in my issue, but I still need the space. She said that it’s “ridiculous” and “silly” that I’m temporarily cutting her out of my life when, after all, surely I haven’t purged every reminder like “throwing out the TV or bed.”

I expected more patience and understanding. And not to play the victim card too much, but in the midst of my healing I don’t think I should be responsible for her feelings too.

But, perhaps I’m too blinded by my own sadness to recognize a needed intervention and a friend who is also hurting. So, any advice on how to stop wallowing and suck it up for the sake of the friendship?

How do I deal with a toxic "friend"?

Anonymous — Sat, 09 Mar 2013 06:35:16 -0800

I'm trying to figure out what to do about an acquaintance now, who used to be a good friend, but is now just manipulative, lying, and spiteful. So, I met this guy, Andrew, about 5 years ago. He was actually one of the first people I met when I moved to a city. We met when we joined a soccer team together and he has been a friend ever since. This guy can be loud, obnoxious, has to be right, has to win, etc. etc.... BUT he can also be very sweet. I know he has self-esteem issues... he confided in me that he didn't have many friends in high school and was extremely lonely.

I dated a guy a couple of years ago who I thought was the love of my life. He coldly broke up with me without any closure and I was devastated. I confided in Andrew, and I admit, I definitely talked crap about my ex to him at my lowest and most angry point (about a week after my ex broke up with me). Andrew told me that he never liked my ex and I together, and was a good listener throughout that hard time.

While this was all going on, a lot of Andrew's guy friends were moving away or getting married (we're all in our late 20's). He began hanging out with my ex and his best friend a lot. I eventually found out months later that Andrew went back and told my ex everything I had said. I was shocked and hurt! Especially because it was the only time I spoke badly of my ex. I was trying to avoid drama and he made it so much worse.

Andrew, my ex and I share a lot of mutual friends so I see them somewhat regularly, although I no longer speak to either of them. Andrew tries to be my friend when my ex isn't around, but if he is, he's rude to me or tries to embarrass me. He loves making fun of others to try and fit in (including making fun of me). If I'm around, he'll say things about my ex hooking up with other women loud enough for me to hear... It's childish! I can't figure out where this came from except that he tried to flirt and ask me out (out of the blue) when my ex broke up with me and I turned him down.

I realize now, that Andrew just wants to fit in and be cool with them at my expense. They're all extremely immature. I know I should just ignore him, but he's lied to other friends at my expense. I would love to stay away from them, but unfortunately that's not an option with this many mutual friends and the fact that we still play soccer (so I see him regularly). We were such good friends at one time, now I just feel as betrayed as when my ex left me out of the blue. I'm too old for this high school drama, but I hate the way he used me. Any advice how to approach this situation? I feel like I'm too involved in it to think rationally.

Who asks who out after a raincheck?

earthquakeglue — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 17:38:50 -0800

If you mutually agree to raincheck who should ask who to do something next time? Last Tuesday i was supposed to hang out with my guy friend(he's 27 and i'm 25), but work made him stay over because they got in a huge shipment of shoes that night (833). So he got off work much later then he expected and he still wanted to hang out, but everything was already closed so we couldn't really do anything. He apologized and we mutually agreed to a raincheck.

I was told to wait and let him ask to do something again, but so far he hasn't.
Should i just ask him if he's free any next week? I don't want to be a nag.

What is this particular behavior called?

side effect — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 05:55:23 -0800

What is this particular behavior called? I received an email from a friend I hadn't heard from for over a week that started out like this:

"I'm sure you didn't miss me at all, so I don't have to apologize for my absence."

This isn't the first time he's said something to that effect and I'm trying to figure out what exactly this type of behavior is, or if it isn't really a big deal. It feels passive-aggressive, but I think that's not quite it.

He's done this before and has some other ways of speaking that ping my radar, yet he can be so nice and positive on the other hand. Another example of weird speech from him is when I agree with something he's said or say I understand it, he responds with something like, "Of course you do, because you are amazing and care about me." It feels really odd to me, but I'm having trouble parsing it.

What is this behavior called and what is it supposed to elicit from me?

How do (or should I) find out how a classmate died?

Anonymous — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 14:37:10 -0800

Someone I went to high school with died a year or so ago. I never learned what the cause of death was, and I'm curious. I drive by an adopt a highway sign dedicated to their memory often, and it confuses and bums me out. There are a few clues: 1) On their social network profile after their death, some people posted things along the lines "how could they do this?" 2) On their obit, it said donations could be made to a depression-related charity. Those clues lead me to believe that it was a suicide. But no one has ever confirmed it to me. The deceased person was a friend of mine to some extent. I recently asked a few friends/classmates on facebook, people I don't contact regularly anymore, and they won't say anything or reply, despite having recent activity. The messages are kind, start with apologies, explain the adopt a highway signs and talk about how they bum me out and such. I don't want to ask a lot of people and risk alienating them. I do have a few more leads. How should I go about this, or should I just drop the matter? I just want closure. I don't want to know details about what happened. I am in my 20s, if that matters.

My oldest friend is an alcoholic.

sevensnowflakes — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 21:29:28 -0800

She's important to me. She used to be so smart and so much fun to be around. I feel like I can't just walk away, and in any event, I don't want to. Help me figure out what to do. Avalanche of details to follow. So my best friend - let's call her Liz. Liz and I met nearly a decade ago during my freshman year of college. She's always been a partier, and when we met, so was I. But our friendship deepened and was not about drinking and partying; over the years we became closer and closer, to the point that when I was at a critical juncture in my life with lots of options, I moved to her state and started the rest of my young life there.

I should stress that when I met Liz, she struck me as intelligent, interesting, and insightful. She was also a very good friend to me for years - we have seen one another through many ups and downs, and I have met many positive people who have had a wonderful impact on my life because of my friendship with her.

Things started to go downhill in her world about five years ago. She is a creative type - a brilliant artist and amazing musician - and she's struggled to find her place in the world. She has always had trouble following through on her commitments, but her father was the same way in his twenties and eventually became quite successful, so I think that myself and her other close friends cut her a lot of slack because of her upbringing/life story.

Anyway, about five years ago she lost a huge amount of weight. For the first time in her life - at 25 - she began to receive lots of positive attention from men. She got involved with someone who drank way too much but who was very charismatic and attractive. That involvement turned out to be a very negative force in her life; the man was in a relationship at the time and she became the other woman.

When that (predictably) disintegrated, Liz started to disintegrate too. She was arrested twice for driving while intoxicated within a very short period of time, and dealt with the legal and financial fallout from that for several years. I really believed that, after that ordeal, she was seriously evaluating her life choices. She went through AA - which wasn't for her, as she's not religious - but took away some positive insights from the process, including (what I thought was) real shame and incredulity about what she'd allowed to happen in her life and how much time and money she'd wasted on drinking.

Liz (like me) worked in bars and restaurants throughout her early and mid-twenties. About a year ago, she enrolled in culinary school, but ended up dropping out, ostensibly at the behest of one of her instructors, who told her that spending more money on culinary school was not worth the investment and stressed that she should find an entry-level job in the industry and work up that way.

After Liz dropped out of culinary school, she was working as a waitress along with a group of people I would describe as generally unsavory. Some of them were/are good people, but I would consider most of them transient drinking buddies. A problem that I would say Liz has is that she undervalues herself and trusts people that she should not trust. She does not seem to realize that the vast majority of her drinking buddies are just that, and do not genuinely care for her. When things go wrong in her life, I am generally the one who gets the phone call. Anyway, Liz fell for one of her co-workers, and a few months ago, was arrested again for driving while intoxicated after a night out with him.

This time it was very, very serious. She was in a major accident (no other vehicles involved, thankfully) and hurt herself and her passenger quite badly. I was devastated by the accident and am fearful about what will happen to her (even though I know that facing serious consequences will be good for her). This third offense has rocked her family and will make her a felon.

I should mention that her mother is apparently a severe alcoholic. I always knew that when Liz was younger, her mother had a drinking problem, but I was not aware that her mother's drinking had been an issue, consistently, for the many years leading up to the present.

The most disturbing thing about the fallout from this most recent accident (her legal responsibilities are about to start - there's been a lull between the accident and when court begins) is that she has slipped entirely into a life that revolves completely around alcohol. It is like she's given up. I notice all the little things: she is unable to have almost any conversation without mentioning alcohol and partying; even when, right after the accident, she wasn't drinking, she would speak longingly about alcohol; she is unable to see events as they truly are (for example, her account of the way others perceive her and the way others perceive her in reality no longer match up).

I encouraged Liz to seek therapy, both for her own good and because it would be a plus with the court, and she agreed that it would be a good idea; she even made noise about getting herself into an inpatient rehab program. I know that she went to at least one appointment, but I suspect that she either never went after that one or stopped going only a few appointments in. As far as rehab is concerned, she tells me that she and her family don't have the money to put her into rehab at present (I believe this). According to her, she's on a waiting list for a program that will cover most of her costs, but I really can't judge whether or not that is true.

The one close friend that Liz had, other than myself, has known Liz longer than I have. That friend has distanced herself from Liz's life without explanation. I suggested to that friend that the two of us try and stage an intervention with Liz, and she (the friend) agreed that would be a good idea. Both of us feel like our relationships with Liz mean we owe her that much.

That intervention hasn't come to fruition yet, not least because I am very, very busy in my graduate program. I have started to think that maybe I should do something before the intervention, like writing Liz a letter, or something along those lines. I've read all the AskMes about alcoholism, and I've educated myself as best I can (Al-Anon, lots of reading). The thing is, I have so much invested in Liz. I am completely convinced that in her heart, she is good, and in a corner of her mind that she makes every effort to repress, she knows that she has screwed everything up. I am also certain that she is terrified about the future and is actively rejecting the idea that she will go to jail because she is unable to deal with it.

Liz currently has a job working in a kitchen that she loves. This may help with her situation in court; then again, it may not, since kitchens are just a heartbeat away from booze. The last detail I'll mention: Liz takes enough responsibility for herself that she does not accept handouts. She has not asked me for money and pays her bills. I suspect that asking others for money is a final frontier for her as she's always been resourceful and self-sufficient, despite her many issues.

This girl is like a sister to me, and I mean that with all my heart. I am afraid to lose her but this has reached the point where I feel like I already have. What should I do? How can I be of greatest help? How can I make it clear to her that this behavior is destroying her and destroying all of her relationships? Trust me, I have no interest in getting sucked down into the ugly vortex of addiction codependency, and am self-aware enough that I know I need a strategy for dealing with this that keeps me at a healthy distance yet lets her know that I love her too much to watch her do this to herself anymore. I know that whatever action I take will probably make her angry in the short term. I'm okay with that. I just want to do whatever it is a family member would do in this situation. I refuse to abandon her without explanation because I am essentially all she has left. Her whole life is connected to drinking.

I know that an alcoholic has to hit bottom before she gets help. I don't want her bottom to be death, and am willing to be the hand under her head that makes the bottom an iota less excruciating, in the sense that I don't want her to die. Is that stance a bad thing? More to the point, is my desire to help her see the bottom actually hindering her from getting there and thus coming to some kind of final realization/getting help?

Sorry for the length.

TL;DR My best friend is an alcoholic and I can't imagine what her bottom will be if it wasn't her third drinking-related offense - a terrible car accident that almost killed her. I know I need to step away but I want to make it clear that I love her and want her to get sober before I could ever consider walking. How?

Should I tell my coworker/friend about my upcoming job interview?

eleanor_of_aquitaine — Fri, 18 Jan 2013 15:55:47 -0800

I just landed an interview for a job I really want, and I'm very excited about it. I'm seeing a coworker, also a very good friend, for dinner tonight. Should I tell her about it? We became good friends a few years ago and have lunch/dinner or do other fun things together about once or twice a month. We've shared quite a lot with each other, and in the past she has mentioned looking for other jobs. I generally don't share this information with anyone except close friends and family. But she is a close friend at this point, and I worry that if I don't tell her and she finds out, she'll wonder why I kept it from her. She's pretty understanding, but I don't want her to feel betrayed or anything. Plus, I want to talk about it and hear her thoughts and advice.

I should mention the whole "coworker" thing is a bit fuzzy. We used to work together in the same office, but she was moved to a different unit within our company. Now, she works in a different location with different people entirely. But we know a lot of the same people--people I do still work with and wouldn't want to know--and though I trust her, I worry that somehow it would get out (these things do happen, and she's in still in relatively close contact with many of these people).

Should I keep this information to myself, or do you think it's okay if I tell her, as long as I ask that she'd keep it to herself? Would I be opening up a can of worms, or is this really not a big deal? I've been in this situation before, and always kept it to myself, but this time it's a much closer friend.

Friend has a new boyfriend - am I overreacting? Am I too jealous?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 09:26:59 -0800

I am jealous of the fact that my good friend is hardly around because she's got a new boyfriend. Very happy for her, but am very uncomfortable with my jealousy. Need some perspective and help dealing. I have a jealousy problem. I would like some idea of where on the normal spectrum I fall and also some of your lifehacks regarding how to deal with friend jealousy, in particular.

Generally I don't have many friends (which really doesn't bother me) and I have a few very good, very reliable friends with whom I am in sporadic contact with. I would say for each good friend, contact occurs with a maximum frequency of once in two days. Most times it's a text/IM interaction of around ten minutes, or half an hour if on the phone. Sometimes long emails. Phonecalls are very, very rare -- maybe once in two months max. So in my opinion I am pretty independent, and really not that clingy.

I am female, and I have a female friend (a good one, who follows the above "definition") who was single for a while. We are both students. She's a really sweet, wonderful and patient person, and we're good friends. She confided in me quite a bit, we go out for lunch maybe around once or twice per month. We used to check in with each other at least once a week. She got into a relationship with someone really awesome a few months ago. Our contact has dropped quite dramatically -- to around once a month.

Let me just put it out here that I am very very happy for her. She is a very good person and I really like her.

On an intellectual level, I accept that it's par for the course that a good friend, once in a relationship, would generally disappear. But my feelings in response to certain events seem to suggest that I'm exhibiting really abnormal reactions, ones that a mature adult should not be having.

1) She said she would come over one night. Waited for her the whole night, she never came and no explanation. I was hurt but never said a peep and let it go.

2) She hardly ever initiates contact these days. I do the initiating, and maybe once in a while to check in on her. Although she does tag me on Facebook once in a while. Not really a big deal I suppose.

3) In a moment of emotional weakness (I was undergoing a very stressful period and needed to simply get out of my mind for a little while, after a few weeks of trying to do it on my own) I asked her out to dinner, but she postponed the time.

The last one is where I started to get worried with my response. All she did was postpone the time! In response to her postponement, I texted her saying that we'll just do it after my busy period is over. I felt hurt after I thought, "Hmm, why do I have to compromise on anything, and her boyfriend and his friends get her 100% of the time?" (which I know, is really silly and kinda possessive) I thought of being gracious but I just couldn't arrange dinner because I thought I'd be too hurt to see her again. She texted back saying dinner was okay after all. After some thought and calming down, I agreed to it to (came up with the excuse that dinner was a superb time after all).

Is this normal? Am I hypersensitive/somewhere off the normal spectrum? What can I do to mentally bring myself back onto higher ground/into a better place? Specifically one where I can deal with her postponing without having a crazy overreaction?

I really regret not hanging out with him

ohtimorousme — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 09:00:25 -0800

I really regret not going to the movies with him, is there anything i can really do? A guy friend of mine (he's 26 and i'm f/25) i've known since 1st grade asked me if i'd want to see the hobbit with him (this was around the middle of December), and i stupidly turned him down. But i never even really turned the guy i down i just never replied. I blame part of it on my lack of social skills, and being introverted. I sometimes tend to freeze up and just not know what to say at all so i don't say anything. I've gotten better at this, but it seems to have come back out again.

I felt really bad about this and really, really regretted it all this time so i emailed him. I told him i was kicking myself for not going with him and if he was in the area if he'd want to go see a movie with me next week or something. After sending this i realized he wasn't in the area anymore right now since he's in the military. I don't even know if my email gave him anything to reply to but, i haven't heard from him yet and i sent it Thursday night.

And i know it really is my own fault if i had just said yes i probably wouldn't be dealing with all this right now. I really messed up.

Is there really anything i can do other than just wait and see if he replies, or next time he is in town text him and ask if he wants to do something?

Can I exchange a very well-intentioned but misguided gift for something I actually really do need?

lovableiago — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 11:59:25 -0800

Can I exchange a very well-intentioned but misguided gift for something I actually really do need? A friend gave me a very generous Christmas present that cost more than I would ever expect someone to spend on me (or I would spend on myself in most situations). It was a pair of earrings and--brat alert!--I already have a pair that I love/wear every day and do not wish to replace the one I have, for various sentimental reasons (and frankly, these are just not "me" at all). I am guessing my friend realizes I have these earrings that I wear every day, figured I liked earrings(?), and got me a pair that she figured I would never splurge on myself (which of course is wonderfully sweet but also came as a total surprise, as I was not even expecting to receive anything from this friend).

What I have been wanting for a long time, and have not allowed myself to splurge on, is a watch. So same thing, sort of, except the watch actually has a strong practical element--it, too, is just an accessory but I really could use one for reasons I won't bother explaining here. (The only reason I have not gotten one yet is because the one I want is one falls into the "How do I justify spending this amount of money on myself?" category--much like this gift!) SO: Would I be a total jerk to exchange it? (My friend didn't give me a gift receipt--not sure if that says anything--but I know where they came from and could exchange it without any problem.)

If you think it would be OK, should I ASK her/explain first? I see this friend about once a month--if I was keeping the gift I would definitely make an effort to show that I was wearing them the next time I see her. So if I did exchange it, would I point this out, e.g. "Hey I couldn't bring myself to replace my favorite earrings with the ones you got me, but I really needed a watch so I exchanged it"? That just sounds wrong, wrong wrong--the whole idea seems wrong but when I turn it around, if I got a friend something that they didn't want/need and they asked if they could exchange it for something they DID want or need, I would probably say "Oh my God, OF COURSE, please DO exchange it!" (and me being me, would probably feel embarrassed that I read them wrong and got them what I did--my own insecurity here is probably why I am extra-sensitive about potentially hurting my friend's feelings).

For what it's worth, the price of the gift definitely factors in here. If this was $30 or something I wouldn't be fretting--I would wear them when I see her but probably no other time and wouldn't feel too bad about it--but the thought of something this valuable going unused so much of the time makes me feel incredibly guilty (and in small part gnaws at the very-pragmatic element of my personality, to be honest). As soon as I opened it (she was not there) my first impulse was to call her and say, "Thank you so, so much for your generosity but there is absolutely no way I can accept this" but I just called her and thanked her profusely (another friend told me after the fact that rejecting the gift outright--even while professing extreme gratitude--is a big no-no so I'm glad I didn't do that). Anyway, the practical solution, to me, would be to exchange it for something I would use and love--but I don't know if there is a place for practicality when it comes to gift-giving. Anyway, I realize this is a totally wonderful problem to have--I'm just a chronic over-thinker so any insight is much appreciated. If it clarifies anything, we are both young adults and in the U.S., so I don't think there are any special cultural or generational factors to consider.

Inside the Actor's 1 Bedroom

kettleoffish — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 18:01:59 -0800

My best friend and roommate is extremely isolated and seems lost. I really want to help. What are some ways that I can? She works from home and thus has little need to go outside. However, I think she has never really had to deal with the level of isolation that this can bring. She is used to being alone and independent. Adjusting to working from home has been difficult for her.

I want to help her but am somewhat at a loss. How can I support her and talk to her about her increasingly evident depression? It is seemingly draining her resources to even seek help.

The complicating factor is that she has really serious social anxiety. However, she would like to become an actress. The ironic thing is she is extremely beautiful. I could see her easily getting roles in plays or even making a living practicing her craft.

Should I intervene? Would my trying to help her put together a headshot or get her into acting classes be seen as meddlesome? Or does depression make it important to step in?

Should I schedule some social events for the two of us so she can meet new people?

How can I talk her through the doubt that she is prone to about her dreams and ambitions? (Are there any support groups for actors with social anxiety?)

Thank you & any suggestions about beating the isolation of working from home would be welcome.

Help me at least TRY to flirt with my friend

christiehawk — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 04:21:05 -0800

Seeing as how I was an utter failure at my LAST crush, I’m determined to do things differently and boy do I want to move on from that nightmare. Help me figure out how to do it. Mini backstory – 28 year old lesbian just starting to come out (it’s been a little over a year) and navigate dating and flirting with intent. Very slim dating history with guys, and they did all the work anyway. Still have not been with a girl. Making a first move scares the *%@# out of me. Being single for so long is beginning to really wear on me - I'm increasingly lonely and it makes rejection all the worse.

I’ve recently been hanging out with someone that I’ve known for a little more than a year. She is also a lesbian. We hadn’t really hung out one on one much or anything, and she got into a fight with some of my friends and they all had a falling out, which led to me kind of avoiding her a bit. Not being mean to her or anything like that, just not really engaging her. I didn’t know her very well at the time anyway, so it wasn’t like I was ditching her or something. Recently though she has moved into my town and we have more mutual friends.

She reached out to me to hang out a couple times and I accepted and we had fun. Mostly in groups and such. But recently we’ve been in touch/hanging out a bit more, mainly with other friends, and both initiating plans. And wouldn’t you know it, I’m kinda crushing on her. It’s probably because I always had a seed of a crush/attraction to her, and I guess the fact that she was suddenly hitting me up a lot, and then us having a few deep conversations about our mutual friends, made that grow into a regular crush.

So, what are some things I can do to steer this in a more romantic direction before I suddenly get lost in friend-ville and am doomed to suffer there for all eternity? This is pretty much all just starting so I have a fresh slate to work with here. There's good signs and bad signs from her end, and she's kind of hard to read at the moment. I probably am too.

I am suspicious of a friend of hers that she seems to be texting a lot, and that is giving a huge blow to my confidence here. I know she’s not dating her or in a serious relationship, and she might just be friends with her, but the thought that she might be interested in someone else destroys my resolve and is upsetting me more than I thought it would (whoops, guess my crush is bigger than I thought). I guess I’ll find out about that soon enough. And if she IS into someone else and hasn’t really thought of me that way, is it possible to spark an attraction in her?

I guess some people are going to say "ask her on a date." And that's a possibility, but I guess I'd like to see if I can make this a bit...smoother. I feel like the timing is not right to just ask her out just yet and it would be a little awkward, especially since we started out on the friends foot. I guess I want to gauge or provoke interest a bit more, if possible.

I've been doing a bit more than with my last crush, and we communicate better so I'm a bit more confident. I’ve been trying to do the eye contact thing. Today I mentioned something that made me think of her while I was with family for Christmas. I am going to try to hang out with her one on one more. Any other brilliant ideas? The problem is that when it’s another girl it’s always kind of hazy because you can think YOU’RE being flirty and the other person thinks you’re just being friendly. The thing is, it’s so hard for me to be direct with flirting. Guess I’m just wondering if anyone has any great ideas on how the progression should be, or even if there’s any other lesbians out there with anecdotes about what they did or do in this type of situation.

Fictional criminals with imaginary friends?

99percentfake — Wed, 19 Dec 2012 11:37:57 -0800

Books/movies: Fictional criminals who had imaginary friends/accomplices? In "Mr. Brooks", Mr. Brooks (played by Kevin Costner) is a serial killer who has an imaginary sidekick played named Marshall (played by William Hurt). Marshall is seen and heard by the audience, and we see Mr. Brooks interacting with Marshall throughout the movie, but no other characters can see Marshall or hear their private conversations.

In "City of Fire" by Robert Ellis, Martin Fellows is a serial killer with an accomplice named Mick Finn. Outside of the murders, Fellows and Finn regularly interact and even go the gym or restaurants together. When Fellows comes under suspicion in the last 50 pages of the book, the police observe Fellows go to lunch with Finn. It is finally revealed that Finn exists only in Fellows' mind, as he is seen ordering and eating two meals and the police realize that no one has ever seen Fellows' "friend".

Can you think of other examples of a fictional criminal having an imaginary friend or accomplice? It does not need to be serial killers -- those were the only two examples that came to my mind.

Should I Hire My Friend?

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 09:56:19 -0800

Should I hire my friend? My relationship with my friend is that we used to be really close family friends. Well, actually, I used to be good friends with his wife years ago. Since then, we've drifted apart a bit (don't see each other as often) but we're still friends.

This friend of mine is looking for work and needs to find something soon... the position I have open would be appropriate for him but maybe not perfect. He would definitely take the job and I'm sure he would do fine (he's qualified). Although I think there are probably more highly qualified people in the universe, it might 1) take forever to find the perfect fit and 2) I could probably close this qualification gap by dedicating myself to really training and guiding my friend towards success.

1) Is it ethical for me to hire my friend?
2) Do you think it's a good idea?

Helping a family member of the 1st anniversary of their spouse's death

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 16:17:43 -0800

My mother and father were married over 50 years. Dad passed early this year (Feb) and now is the 1st anniversary is upon us. I have been helping mom out quite a bit since then, but could use some pointers about what to do or look out for over the next couple of months. A little more inside. They were the type of couple that did everything together and of the old-school married for life crowd. My father, while ill for the last year, he was not completely bed-ridden. However, he did need assistance. My mother filled that role completely. Suffice to say, when he passed, she not only lost her best friend, but much of the daily tasks she came used to performing each day. While she has managed as well as can be, I am noticing some periods of slipping into ruminating about my father and their time together.

So the question, (while I hope not too open ended) is this: what strategies, tips, actions etc can I do over the next few months to be there for her without smothering her. She certainly needs her time to continue to grieve and I do not want to take that away, but I just would like to have an eye towards healthy ways to help an 80 year old get on with life.

If it helps at all, I already moved in with her temporarily for the past few months and that has helped quite a bit. The plan is to stick around for another 6 months or so, but that is not set in stone. If anything, just having a person to make noise around the house seems comforting to her. I suppose I am just looking for tips from people who may have gone through this before and what worked for them.

throwaway email account - askmefi.anonymous@lycos.com

I'm Okay, You're a Wreck.

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 12:27:29 -0800

Coworker/friend/mentor really, really depressed... and with good reason. Can/should I help? How? Wall o' sadness inside. The background: for a number of years, I've worked closely with a guy I'll call "Calvin". He's been an important mentor to me - he's patiently taught me the majority of the skills I use in this gig. He's also a great guy in general - generous, loyal, smart, funny, etc. While there's never been anything even remotely romantic between us (and we've never socialized outside of work), we're de facto "work spouses" - we've got each other's backs, we go to lunch occasionally, we buy each other holiday gifts.

The problem: Calvin's been seriously depressed for... I don't know. Possibly forever. While he's indicated that it's actual-factual clinical depression (he's not on meds or in therapy now, but has been in the past), there are a number of factors which probably make it worse. He lives alone, sans even a goldfish. He doesn't date (he's bald, short, chubby, not terribly attractive, kinda self-conscious). He doesn't travel. He doesn't have hobbies. His social life is minimal (occasional dinner dates with friends' families). His house is, per his own admission, a disaster area. His life consists of working, then going home and staring at glowing screens. Every. Single. Day.

Basically, he's pushing fifty with a life that just... hasn't come together. And while I know this makes him really, really sad (he's said so, repeatedly), I don't think he sees any way out. Friends and coworkers have prodded him to do various things to improve his life, but he's never really embraced any of their suggestions.

I know that this is Not My Problem. I also know that I can't make someone else change their life for the better. I ALSO know that delving into coworkers' personal issues is unwise at best (although on reflection, I'd consider him more of a friend-friend than a work-friend) However, it kinda breaks my heart to hear Calvin mention how unhappy he is with his life (always in passing - he doesn't whine/overshare), especially because I can't even come up with any consoling words - his life DOES sound crushingly depressing! He once harbored dreams of having a wife and family, but like everything else in his life, it seems like the ship has sailed on THAT one, too.

My question: IS there anything I can do for this guy, and if so, what is it? Just listen and say "there, there"? Encourage him? Leave a brochure for mail-order brides on his desk (kidding, kidding)?

It's not me, it's actually you.

sockorama — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 16:27:39 -0800

Am I being friend-dumped? (small wall of text and some itty bitty snowflakes) Help me socially advanced MeFites!

I have a friend who basically stopped speaking to me and my three friends in our friends-group and don't know how to proceed with this situation. We are professional and independent women in our 30s.

Here's the background, I am 1 of 4 of friends that compose our friends-group:

Friend 1 - One of my closest friends ever. We've been friends for six years and know everything about each other and are tight. This friend is hilarious, sarcastic, super laid-back and is one of the most generous and caring people I know. Our friendship is totally laid back, we kind of always just pick up where we left off and sometimes go for stretches without seeing each other due to life/work/travel/whatever, but we get each other and it's awesome.

Friend 2 - Met through friend 1. This friend moved to our city from the opposite coast about a year or so ago. We're new friends, but the two of us have become closer because we're both actively working on the friendship between us. She's also sarcastic, sweet, but can be flakey sometimes with plans but that's mostly due to her crazy work schedule. Friends 1 and 2 are close as well.

Friend 3 - The friend this question is referring to. Friend 3 and I have been friends for about 3-4 years and were about as close as Friend 2, but the difference is that this friend didn't actively work on developing our friendship as I'm doing with Friend 2. This friend however, is such a loving, warm, gentle, nurturing person with a total heart of gold. Friends 1, 2 and 3 are all close.

So. Here's the issue I'm having.

Friend 3 had a pretty horrible and untimely death occur (sister passed from drug overdose). This was very shocking. Naturally, me, Friend 1 and 2 reached out to Friend 3, and offered her unconditional love, help - we kept her house running while she was away, watched her pets, offered to bring her food, offered to run errands for her or drive her to places, whatever she needed, no questions asked. She barely took any of us up on these offers, even when we showed up unnanounced at her house to just give her hugs. However, what we learned from all of this is that her coping mechanism is to completely withdraw, and withdraw she did. In fact, in the past 6 months since this occurred, we've barely heard from her and it's upsetting. Me and Friend 2 have been calling/texting/emailing, pretty much stalking her on a weekly basis, sometimes daily for the past few months, just to check in to make sure she's ok and...nothing. Radio silence.

About a month or so ago, I somehow managed to crack the shell and she was responding to me. Her answers were all one word answers and she claimed she was fine and committed to various plans. But then she systematically blew off any/all plans that she said she would attend. Meanwhile, we found out that she was acting normal as can be on Facebook to other people that have more distant friendships with her than we do, including going out with them on the town, etc. As a friends group, we've talked about it and we're upset. We've tried being supportive and there for her and she's blowing us off completely. If it wasn't for the death, we would seriously think that she had friend-dumped us and would move on otherwise.

Well, this week me and my other two friends received a random group email from her in which she apologized for being distant. It was short and didn't seem too sincere, but basically just said that she is sorry for blowing us off and being distant when we were trying to be good friends. I'm not going to lie, I was actually pretty upset when I saw the email - I don't know how to respond. Obviously, I want to support her and continue with our friendship. However, in thinking back to even when things were good between us before the death, I made all the plans and kept our friendship rolling. I'm feeling really hurt that she totally blew all of my attempts at hanging out together off. She blew off my sympathies. She blew off my offers to help. All of it, and I'm feeling upset and angry that she feels that this one apology email will fix things. Friend 1 is furious and wrote back to the email that she's upset and confused by all of this behavior. Friend 2 has not responded, but we had coffee and she is really upset.

Please help me figure out this friendship. Is she not invested? I don't know how to respond to her. What I would like to happen is for us to be friends and to both actively work on our friendship. However, I feel this might be one-sided, or if we patch things up she's going to continue holding us all at arm's length. Is it worth it? Has this happened to you?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.