Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with forgiveness

I did a bad thing, and cannot seem to get over it.

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 06:31:42 -0800

I did a bad thing this weekend. Everybody I hurt has been apologized to and has forgiven me, but I'm having a hell of a time forgiving myself. So, I did something completely out-of-character and unexpected this weekend. I accidentally drank too much one night, and, after my family was asleep, I walked next door and hit on my neighbor, an older, single woman. The "hitting on" consisted of about five minutes of me rubbing her back and her hair and hugging. I vaguely remember she kissed me on the cheek (she was pretty drunk too, and usually is). I then went home and fell asleep. Nothing else happened.

A couple of things: First, I have ABSOLUTELY no feelings for this woman, nor for any woman other than my wife. I actually find this woman rather repellent, and I'm not sure I realized who I was sitting next to. Second, the context makes no sense - we had been in the middle of an amazing family weekend, and the timing of my drunk self doing this is just damned weird.

I woke up early the next morning thinking "Oh god, please let that be a dream," but I knew it wasn't. As soon as there was an appropriate time, I confessed it to my wife, who broke down in tears and was a wreck for most of the morning. She told me it felt like I had cheated on her, that I had taken that first step. (I don't disagree with her; I would be shattered if she had done the same thing to me.) As the day rolled along, she came out of her anger, and truly forgave me.

I also apologized to my neighbor, who laughed it off. ("Oh, honey, you were drunk, that wasn't you," that kind of thing.)

All the alcohol is out of the house, and it's not coming back, also.

So things are reasonably back to normal at home, but damned if I can't stop thinking about it and hating on myself. In twenty years of marriage, I've never done anything remotely like this. I am normally a very happy person, our marriage is great, I do not have a wandering eye.

Right now I'm pissed off and I hate myself and have a constant stomach ache. So I'm looking for any sort of advice or perspective or whatever. I assume this is the kind of thing that will only go away with time?

Party foul, or reason for jihad?

dejah420 — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 09:41:46 -0800

Party foul, or unforgivable etiquette breach? My best friend was having a birthday party, and my present to her this year was going to be a decorated cake. (Sorry, no pictures of the finished cake...reason to follow.)

So, for about two weeks, I got ready for this cake; trying different recipes to get the flavor she wanted (it was a chai spice butter cake, with hazelnut cream cheese icing), I made tons of sugar flowers, flow-in butterflies, fondant bees, etc.,etc. Most of the cake parts had to be transported separately, because these things don't travel well, so I drove down (about 4 hours) to the party a half a day early to put the cake together, which took another 3 hours.

The birthday girl wanted to cut her cake after the pot luck dinner, and after everyone had a chance to go swimming.

I came in from the pool, and found that one of the guests...known for her rather tacky behavior, had disassembled the cake...put the sugar flowers all over the house, and had taken what looked like a huge handful of cake out of the cake itself. I didn't even get a chance to take a picture of the final cake, the birthday girl didn't get a chance to cut her cake, and nobody else at the party got the experience of the whole cake ritual. (singing happy birthday, etc.)

I was furious. Livid, even. My exact words were "What the hell is wrong with you? Were you raised by wild animals? Under what circumstances does this qualify as acceptable behavior?"

The woman who did all the damage ran out crying, and her husband came in to berate me for making his wife cry. At which point, I just threw up my hands and walked away. Now, keep in mind, these are not kids. These people are all over 40.

I feel like I have every right to be angry that some twit destroyed my present and hours and hours and hours of work, and that I should never have to do anything but be country-club polite to her ever again. (Yes, I know that it is a particularly vicious female tactic. I only use it when jihad seems too kind.)

Other people say that it was an egregious party foul, but given that the person is socially clueless and inept, that I should forgive and forget. (Other than randomly seeing this twit at parties, I have no contact with her, and I'm not demanding that anyone else stop seeing her, I'm just saying that I will no longer be friendly to her, especially since she feels like she shouldn't have to apologize "because I yelled at her". )

So, your opinions: Am I over-reacting to an egregious party foul?

The Ancient Indian Burial Ground of relationships

Anonymous — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:01:45 -0800

I need some secular resources for learning to forgive, and how to relate if you have a broken relationship model. I have got to stop wanting an apology from someone who is never going to apologize to me. When I was much younger, I fell in love with a friend of mine who, it now appears to me, was mentally ill, with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. (I'm not inclined to make these surmises about people, really, but there were actual grandiose delusions involved, and mania.) He loved me very intensely, and, a few months later, grew bored and dumped me just as intensely, with bonus public humiliation and loss of respect from friends and peers.

To all appearances and even my own satisfaction, I recovered from this in the regulation couple of months and went on to a proud, happy, independent life. I refused to revisit and examine what had happened; it was just a bad breakup, so far as I was concerned. And no one ever broached the subject of mental illness to me -- it was left for me to figure out, years later.

This was a hilarious amount of years ago. I have not managed to fall in love with anybody since. I've acted like Mr. Flinchy with some guys, but I haven't formed an emotionally and physically intimate relationship with anyone.

It was only recently that I stopped and thought about what I had been doing, and realized that my issue wasn't just that "I hadn't met the right guy yet." I had in fact been actively trying not to have that relationship again. I had gone around believing that love was supposed to happen that way -- that what I was supposed to do was be strong enough to survive it, and keep inspiring insane devotion. Somewhere in myself, I would flash through this every time I was in a Situation, and think: holy crap, no, go through all that again to win this chucklefuck? Let's stay home and read.

I am entirely responsible for my own future happiness, for how I handle myself and what I do. I have always believed this and acted accordingly. And yet, on accidentally stumbling across this guy again -- thanks, internet, thanks a lot -- I felt gut-punched. I asked myself why I wasn't any better than that. Then I came to a series of conclusions, including the above.

I want an apology. I will never, ever, ever get it. I need to forgive him, not for his sake, but for mine. Who would know that a grown-ass professional woman had the impulse to curl up into a ball and shout at no one: Apologize! Apologize! Apologize to me!

What I am doing actively: working on getting out and meeting more guys, which has suffered due to my job schedule; working on getting therapy, although I may not be able to get the kind of talk therapy that would assist with this; taking up hobbies with a vengeance. (Furthermore, I understand that this kind of problem is pathetic and laughable when viewed with any perspective on actual other lives, and I've been using that perspective for years, but it hasn't made the problem go away, so thanks in advance for that suggestion, but no thanks.)

What I would like you to do: recommend books or techniques about letting go of anger, and finding fresh ways to relate to potential partners when your own are all broken. There's so much fluff and inspirational crap out there. I'm not religious or sentimental. I always viewed the self-help aisle with contempt, but it looks like I need to help myself now.

Email if embarrassed: worlds.smallest.violin@hushmail.com.

I do not want the gift of your pain

Solomon — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 13:24:03 -0800

How can I learn to forgive and forget? I get the concept of forgiving and forgetting intellectually. You forgive someone, and then forget about it.

How do I do that on an emotional level?

I'm not talking about any specific situation here, but just generally. I guess I'm looking for a general rule(s) that I can apply to an appropriate situation. I realise that we're all human, that we all make mistakes, and that some people are hurting too, etc. I get that, intellectually. What's missing, so to speak, is the emotional aspect; the actual forgiving.

How do I actually forgive, and then forget?

Personal experiences welcome.

Paralyzed With Resentment

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:30:23 -0800

How can I stop thinking about my father's bigotry, hatred, and intolerance? With the impending election, emotions are crazy right now. My father (and mother), a die hard Republican, is driving me crazy. I know that Republican does not equal racism or intolerance, but my father is a racist and intolerant. He knows I am voting Democrat this year and we are both tense and on the offensive. I rarely discuss politics with him because it's useless. He is unable to engage in civilized conversation. He mostly yells, interrupts, storms out of the room, and bullies me.

Differing political ideology isn't the only thing that is bothering me. I can't stop thinking about the time (three years ago) he told me he thought faulty parenting caused my cousin to be gay. I can't stop thinking about the time when he wanted to join the KKK, and had literature on his desk about the KKK. I think he was a member for a short time. Other things keep running through my head: The time he told me people that wore Malcom X hats were idiots. The endless and numerous lectures that black people were only looking for handouts. The time he accused my mother of raising my sibling and I as "nigger lovers".

In the last several years he has toned down his language, but I know he still holds these beliefs. He rarely used the N-word around growing up. He never denounced homosexuality outright. He has said, I don't care what gay men do, but some of them "do disgusting things." I hate him for it. He has sent me derogatory, racist emails and YouTube links denouncing Obama. He and my mother think all Democrats are "mean and hateful" and "will bite you on the hand if you let them." They also claim that Democrats are either looking for a welfare check, have class envy, or are elitists. I take all of their opinions as a personal attack and feel paralyzed by it. My chest hurts. I get headaches. I'm stressed. I've started clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth for the first time in my life. I feel like my father is a monster in a way. Who is this man that raised me? I'm ashamed. I'm envious of people that have normal relationships with their parents. At times I feel I don't want my kids around him, even though he never says anything hateful around my kids. I visit my parents almost weekly. On one of the latest visits he apologized for sending me emails. I never complained about the emails, he just apologized out of the blue.

I'm looking for coping strategies. I wish I could forget about his ignorant ways and accept that he is only fearful. How do I continue a relationship with him without feeling defensive and angry? I'm going crazy. I resent my mother for loving and marrying someone like this. I resent her for sharing his views. I'm on the defensive with both of my parents. I live 10 minutes away. I cannot cut ties. My father and I have had a very strained relationship for a long, long time. He was abusive in my childhood, all the way up to my late teens. Some years were better than others. The running theme was that my father never cared about my opinions. He isn't, and was never, interested in my life. In my dreams, aspirations, or thoughts. I don't think he respects my profession or my gender. I expressed interest in returning to school for my graduate degree. He asked, "What for? and "Why would you want to do that?"

I'm afraid of him in a way. I'm afraid of confrontation. I pleaded with my husband not to put an Obama sticker on his vehicle because, "I didn't want to deal with my father's bullshit."

Even if he wasn't a bigot, I'd still have the past abuse to deal with. I don't blame them for my problems but I do have resentment that surfaces on a regular basis. I'm in my mid thirties now. I've been to months and months of therapy. I thought I had all of this behind me. My father and mother are not without their good qualities. I want a relationship with them. Cutting ties at this stage in our lives would be painful, I think. I do try to avoid them. I don't call my parents as much as I used to. I sometimes blow off visits. I mostly dread visiting them. I'm ill at ease when I'm there. When I speak with my mother on the phone, I'm not myself. I'm afraid of what they might think. I'm afraid that they will judge me and think poorly of my decisions.

How do I cope? How can I be around them and stop being so defensive and angry? How can I relax? I want to be the enlightened person that can maintain a relationship with them without wanting to scream, or hate them.

When is a bygone not a bygone?

trouserlouse — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 17:26:26 -0800

ForgivenessFilter: help me to get over something a now-SO had the right to do, but hurt like hell anyway. I met a lovely girl last May with clearly romantic intentions on both of our parts, but because we would be separate and unable to see each other that summer, we (implicitly) decided to not make it A Relationship at the time.

We went our different ways that summer, talking daily or more. So I was shocked a month into this when I got an e-mail saying that she had slept with her (male) best friend, that she had been meaning to do this for a while, but that it didn't turn out well (in a semi-apologetic tone). I had an, ahem, emotional reaction, and said that doing that with your best friend, as opposed to a random guy, makes things very complicated later on. At first she said that she would probably do it again, although soon she promised that she definitely wouldn't do it again.

I, on the other hand, was apparently either unable or unwilling -- I'm not completely sure -- to make similar conquests myself, which did not help the situation. Imagine my surprise when two months later she dropped that she slept with her best friend yet again in spite of her promise, as well as with someone else. I was about to call everything with her off, even though it was a matter of days before we got to see each other again -- it was worse in a way, because I felt that she was dropping this all at the last minute in a passive-aggressive way, expecting me to just forget about it and move on.

Apparently she was originally planning not to tell me, although we'd told each other seemingly everything else about everything. In her words, she wanted a chance to be single and enjoy it while she could -- not unreasonably, of course...

And although I've never forgotten about it, we've been very happy together for several months now in every way. The problem is that I've never come to grips with this, either by calling it all off or just getting over it. With everything else being damn near perfect between the two of us, these events stand out and bother me even more.

None of this was malicious, of course. She certainly had the right to do what she did, but the fact that she did something she knew would hurt a lot, in spite of a promise, and didn't care at all, is still a problem for me, legalistic reasoning or not. We've talked about a possible long-distance relationship, and my long-distance experience with her so far is less than great.

For her part, she's been sincerely apologetic since then for whatever injuries she caused. She would say or do anything to make things right now -- but there isn't anything I want her to do or say.

It may seem like a small issue to most people, but it's one that's bothering us (primarily me, admittedly, but her by extension). It's not prior history per se that bothers me -- she has that, as do I -- it's that this didn't feel like it was in the past.

Should I be mad at all? I've read the questions here on forgiveness, but I'm not sure whether they even apply.

How can I come to terms with this? How have MeFites dealt with similar situations?

More thera-fishes in the sea?

Anonymous — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 13:27:02 -0800

I was seeing a sex therapist for about a year. We had a little tiff and now I don't go there anymore. I could still use the therapy though. Should I forgive and forget or are there more thera-fish in the sea? (Potentially NSFW) So I was seeing a sex therapist for about a year when I could no longer live in silence anymore about my foot-fetish and internet porn addiction. I also had some big time anger issues and was dealing with some feelings of betrayal, loneliness and despair.

I was looking for someone who knew what they were talking about and who was empathetic to my pain. I finally found a nice woman who met these qualifications.

For the first few months it was great - For the first time in my life, I was finally able to "let it all out". It felt so liberating. I was able to say anything about anything without the fear of being labelled or judged.

My therapist did have a few bad habits though:
- she was regularly late for appointments, which was a problem because I would see her during the day and would have to get back to work as quickly as possible.
- She was only interested in hearing about my agony - but never really seemed interested in guiding me to making any changes - for the entire year she always promised "soon we are going to get really intense", but after 6 months of hearing that, I kinda didn't expect much.
- She would take long phone calls in the middle of our session, talking from 10 to 20 minutes per call. I would always get my hour's worth, but it was still annoying, considering that I was pressed for time and was pushing my luck with work every time I would stay past the hour.

All that being said, it was still nice to establish a weekly meeting with her so that I could get things off my chest.

I never confronted her about this, because I felt weird doing it, considering that she was there to help me - even though I was paying her, I was still grateful for her ear and felt that if I would say anything, it would be like I was "biting the hand that fed me."

Finally the straw that broke the camel's back was when she was 20 minutes late for an appointment and waltzed in without an apology or acknowledgement. I explained that it was too late in the hour and I had to return to work. She got defensive? offended? as if I had just slapped her in the face and said "OK, just go!". So I did, and I never went back.

A few months ago, she did try to contact me - perhaps she wants to make up, but the conspiracy theorist in me thinks she just needs the cash.

But I could still use the empathetic ear.

So my question is, do I go back to her or do I find someone new?

I am no longer mad, but I don't think I can go back - I tend to hold a grudge. And besides, she wasn't really helping me, was she fellow Me-Fites?

Then again, if I see someone new, I will have to reveal my innermost secrets to yet another person - I don't know if I have the strength to do that, or do I? And what if we are not compatible?

So fellow MeFites, what is your take on this? Stay with someone I know? Try someone new?

Unconditional Love? Altruism? Can You Learn it?

watercarrier — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 12:10:28 -0800

How to Cultivate Altruism and Love the Hard to Love? I'm looking for biographies of people who went from being entangled in their ego to undergoing a spiritual awakening, seeking the light, so to speak and with a new awareness cultivating altruism and unconditional love for who some would deem as being the very hard to love. Mother Theresa comes to mind, as well as Peace Pilgrim and Byron Katie. I'm seeking out less-known stories of ordinary people who turned their lives around 180 and reached a state of higher consciousness and wisdom and used their experience in forgiveness and loving the hard to love. Sites, books, movies - all greatly appreciated.

Help me name and/or locate an episode of 'Davey and Goliath'.

Item — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 21:19:01 -0800

Please tell me you remember an episode of Davey and Goliath where Davey steals a hypnotic, psychedelic toy from a friend and learns a valuable lesson in return. The toy - possibly - was windmill-esque and gave its users fun by radiating weird colors and sound. It's been over twenty years since I saw the episode, but the toy still intrigues me. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe some oddball drug I once took is just telling my brain that I watched it.

I just received a 32 episode box set for Jesusday and I don't think it's included, but I haven't given up hope. This needs to be resolved before I go towards the light and meet eternity. An episode name or mutually remembered synopsis will keep me from one day haunting the offices of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America.

Are there other ways to gain trust other than acts of honesty and time passing?

Anonymous — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 08:21:04 -0800

Is there any other way (other than the passing of time and being completely truthful) to help better regain someone's trust after a lie or two has been committed? Almost 3 months ago I was caught in a pretty bad lie to my GF. We are still together, and since then, have made a lot of headway towards getting our relationship back to where it needs to be. I've stumbled one or two times since then with some lies of omission, but have more or less been forgiven by my wonderful GF.

But because of what I had done, gaining back that trust is slow going. My GF still struggles with the suspicion that I am still lying - the feeling comes and goes, and I dare say she's feeling it less and less... I have made some major changes to myself and have become a more honest, open person, and have stopped with the shitty behavior overall.

But lately it seems that there are no opportunities to prove my honesty and trustworthiness other than the usual day to day things.... which is all good, but I feel that she is looking for a more meaningful event to occur so she can really feel that I am being up front, transparent, et al.

I have noticed that her feelings of suspicion usually come on while we are apart, when she has nothing to focus on or doesn't busy herself with something constructive or isn't at work. Sometimes this leads her to call me at work or in the middle of the day. She admits that she's feeling silly about 'checking up on me', and I appreciate the fact that she realizes this.

(p.s. we are in counseling)

I know this isn't about her at all. This was all my fault to begin with, so I am just feeling around about how I can improve things better between us at this moment in time, as we're mostly past the first few months of the event, but the ripples are still being felt. I am trying to remain calm and not get so frustrated at her, but sometimes it's hard.

Thanks everybody.

Have I destroyed a friendship?

Ruby Doomsday — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 10:58:27 -0800

Is my friend being petty, or should I try harder to patch this up? Long explanation... My male friend and I have known each other for seven years, helped each other through some hard times and used to talk daily, but we have drifted over the past few years. We do, however, stay in touch. He and his wife host a big party once a year. These are keg-and-jello-shot parties, by the way - not Riedel-crystal-and-caviar affairs. I've always been a bit of a social spaz and tend to be defensive if I perceive someone to be insulting/mocking/ridiculing me. This has happened at the last couple of parties my friend has had, and I've exchanged some heated words with some of his more chauvenistic male friends. I do recognize that it's a problem and that I shouldn't get so upset with people - even if they're being inappropriate.

This year's party was two weeks ago. A guy I didn't know bumped into me outside and spilled his drink all over me. I'd have been OK with it if he had apologized, because clearly it was an accident, but instead he smugly rolled his eyes and made some crack like, "Get over it; it's not the end of the world." I wasn't angry, but I felt he was being a jerk, so when he turned away, I "spilled" my (clear) drink on him and smirked, "OK, now we're even." He became infuriated and insisted to his wife that they leave. I asked my friend, the party host, if he thought I was out of line and he laughed and said, "No, it was pretty funny actually." We moved on and forgot the whole thing.

This week I got an e-mail from my friend asking if I knew who poured the drink on the guy at the party and I replied, saying, "Yes, silly, remember? That was me." What I got back was an angry, hurtful e-mail attacking my poor social skills and saying every time I've come to his home I've created a problem. He said that this time, it was the last straw, he's had enough of me and doesn't want me back in his home ever again.

WTF? He was drinking on the night of the party, so I get that he may have forgotten seeing the incident and telling me it was funny. But to get so angry as to bar me from his house? I'm hurt that he didn't choose to talk to me about it and clearly has so little regard for my friendship that I didn't even deserve the benefit of the doubt in my motives. I've e-mailed back recounting the incident in detail, apologizing for upsetting him and saying that I'll accept it if he doesn't want my friendship anymore, but if he does I will be more mindful of his feelings and those of his friends in the future.

Is that enough? Should I be more assertive in asking for forgiveness, or should I just leave it at that? On one hand I feel like he must not think very highly of me to say such hurtful things, and that maybe I'm better off without his friendship; on the other hand I wonder if that reaction is, again, a result of my insecurities/defensiveness. I never thought this could be so unforgivable or that my seven-year friendship was worth so little that he could throw it away over some ridiculous thing I did. Advice? Be kind, please.

self-forgiveness

mot123 — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 15:20:11 -0800

What does buddhism/hinduism/christian say about forgiving self. I am not able to forgive myself for the mistakes i made and mistakes i will be making in the future and keep torturing myself saying i should be perfect. I am not able to change myself as a result. Any other insight on self-forgiveness.

Movies with "forgiveness" as theme?

beautiful — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 07:01:28 -0800

I'm having trouble thinking of any narrative movies with "forgiveness" as a theme...anyone?

Getting over feelings of betrayal

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 22:14:06 -0800

I am starting to hate my cousin and best friend. Please help me forgive her. Mary is my cousin, and up until about a month or so ago, my very best friend in the entire world. We used to hang out every single night of the week unless one of us had a date. It's the closest friendship I ever experienced, and while we were close it was one of the best parts of my life. We shared every detail of our lives with eachother, I would've taken a bullet (and still would) for her.

We live in a small college town and we don't live together. She live with her roomate Jane, whom I get along with and was an acquaintance/friend of mine as well. Jane, Mary, and myself all had leases that ended in April. So naturally, we decided to look for a place for all three of us.

Shopping for a rental together was stressful. Our price ranges were different, but I was more than willing to go down to her level price-wise. The chief problem was, Mary was very picky and had very high standards for her maximum price. More than once, I argued that just due to simple market conditions we were not going to meet all of her standards at a given price. We looked for months and could not find something that fit her standards/price.

April was drawing nearer, and all three of us were getting antsy as we would have nowhere to live soon. One night, while the two of us were out walking, she saw a house with a for rent sign.

As fate would have it, she called the next day on the house. It happened to meet most of her standards and the price was great! One problem... only two spots were open. She signed with Jane, leaving me to find my own housing somewhere else. I was crushed. I fought back tears when she told me she had signed a lease with Jane.

I found room somewhere else. She apologized to me and said she was sorry, but I think if push came to shove, she would do it again.

* * * * * * * *

Ever since then (about a month ago), our friendship has been wrecked. I thought we were down for eachother no matter what, and I feel so betrayed.

She's great in ways that I'm not, but I've always had more money and been slimmer/prettier one. In the past I never let it go to my head, I would lend her my super expensive clothes/jewellry and set her up with hot guys. Now I find myself gloating over my advantages over her and I hate myself for it. I don't want to be this kind of human.

Little things she does (stupid stuff that doesn't matter, like listen to Nickelback type music, etc) have started to bug me like crazy when I used to not notice it at all, or find it endearing.

I can't let go of the feelings of hurt and betrayal. I would give anything to feel the same as I did a month ago. I've gone from seeing her every night to ignoring her. I know she hurt me, but I am being fucking immature.

Last year I modelled for a swimsuit designer in town, and I get discounts. She saw a swimsuit she wanted and texted me today to ask me if I could get her a discount (since she's really poor right now) and I didn't even fucking respond.

I'm so disgusted with myself for holding on to this grudge, but I cannot let go any way I try.

Please help me.

Forgive and forgetting

zoey08 — Tue, 12 Dec 2006 19:43:24 -0800

How can I forgive my SO for hurtful things done (and apologized for) in the past? I'm having a really hard time moving on and moving forward due to my inability to forgive. My boyfriend and I have been finding ourselves in quite a few little fights lately; mostly, it revolves around me perceiving things he does unintentionally as very hurtful and inconsiderate. These aren’t things like cheating or anything unforgivable, but they do serve to make me just feel unloved and like I‘m the only one making any effort to keep things working. We are very different people with very different ways of thinking, like many couples. Our relationship has been like this from the beginning, where he does something (or a few things) that upsets me, and I just get passive-aggressive and aloof for a while, until I blow up and say everything I’m feeling in a torrent. Then, for the most part, we do a good job of talking it out and figuring out ways to work on both of our behavior to keep it from happening again. And he’s made tons of progress, and has really changed a lot into a better partner.
The problem is that he isn’t at all perfect. And neither am I. Every time he slips up and makes me feel hurt for whatever reason, the laundry list of every other thing comes rushing back into my head, and oftentimes out of my mouth. I sit there thinking, “Why am I letting myself get hurt again?” I feel so weak for letting him get to me, and I just get re-angry about everything. I can’t let things go.
After a recent episode, he made it clear to me that if I couldn’t forgive him for the past, after he has apologized and shown me that he is trying to change, we could not as a couple move forward. This is painful for me to know I’m hurting him, and I feel like a failure. Today I told him that I was making a conscious decision to forgive certain things, but I’m still feeling like it is something I can’t do.
For the record, I tend to do this very thing with everyone in my life, family, friends; he, as my romantic partner, just has more opportunity to do those little things that get to me.
So my question is: How can I learn to leave the past in the past and take positive, forward thinking steps toward a loving relationship? How can I stop resenting him for every little thing that happened months ago?
I love him very much, and I also think working on this skill with him now can only serve to make my future and present relationships healthier.
Thanks all.

Doomed To Sit Out?

geekhorde — Sun, 05 Nov 2006 21:11:46 -0800

I have a friend who is convinced, because of a combination of a breakdown of some sort and failing most of her freshman classes, that she has to sit out for something like seven years before she can go back to a University. Is this right? Is there some sort of grade forgiveness or a 'do over' button or something for getting a higher education? What's the deal? Is she forever screwed?

How do I learn to forgive?

Anonymous — Fri, 14 Jul 2006 09:29:33 -0800

How do I learn to forgive my father? I can't bring myself to talk to my father. We haven't spoken to each other since I was a teenager. I stopped speaking to him when I was a sullen angry teenager, growing up in a house where my parents fought all the time. Shouting angry displays of rage every single night. More than ten years later, I still can't talk to him.

He was a bad and abusive husband, and I can't even remember what he was like as a father anymore. I think he was an okay father, when my parents were not fighting.

When my parents fought, they never resolved anything. They just argued and yelled and gave each other the silent treatment. They never said "I'm sorry" or "I'm wrong" and they never really kissed and made up. So, even though I recognize the problem, I never really learned how to forgive people in my family or to say "I'm sorry, I was wrong". I can fight in a good and resolved way with other people, but I can't do this with my father.

My parents are now pushing 70, and they're finally getting a divorce. I really wanted this to happen when I was a teenager, but now that it's happening in their old age, it's devastating to my mother. He left her for another woman. He cheated on her, many times. He hit her, verbally abused her, took out loans in both their names without her knowledge, everything.

Despite this, my mother wants me to call him, and to talk to him, but I just can't do it. Just thinking about it makes me upset and angry and sad. I don't know what to do. Where do I begin? How would I start such a conversation?

I've thought about going to counseling for this, but where do I find a a good and affordable one in Manhattan?

Has this "no speaking to each other for years" thing happened to other people? How does one resolve it?

Throwaway email: anon.asker@gmail.com

How can I make it up to you?

jesourie — Mon, 10 Jul 2006 18:56:02 -0800

How do I make amends for being a complete jerk to a family member? I'm looking for something specific I can do to express my regret without coming across as condescending or smarmy. Some backstory: my first cousin, with whom I've been close all my life, got married in April. It was done at City Hall and brought with them only their parents. There wasn't a party or anything afterwards, and a bigger reception/ceremony for the rest of the family and their friends is planned for next July.

Initially I thought their April marriage "ceremony" was a matter of logistics--my cousin recently got a job with great benefits and wanted to add his fianceé to his health insurance--and that the actual wedding, with formal wear and vows and cake and the whole shebang was going to happen a year from now. Because of that, I didn't send a card or anything, and even though I kept thinking "I should call," I never did. Mistake number one.

A month or so ago I saw a picture of them from City Hall. Uh-oh: she's in a gown, he's in a tux, there are flowers--apparently this was the big deal ceremony, and the event next year is just the reception. Obviously at this point I had no excuse not to send a card or call to say, "Hey, I misunderstood, I'm so sorry, congratulations!" But I didn't. It took other family members calling me to tell me how upset my cousin is to get me to call. Mistake number two.

The call went poorly. I didn't try to make excuses and instead just said, "I was thoughtless and I'm sorry." He's still very hurt, which is totally justified.

At this point I feel like calling and apologizing more would be overkill and could come across as insincere. Is there anything else I can do to make amends?

Songs about forgiveness?

ericbop — Mon, 22 Aug 2005 07:34:18 -0800

Songs with "forgiveness" as theme? -Specific question: I'm looking for a song that I can use as a teaching tool for a Yom Kippur workshop for teens on the theme of forgiveness. Anything from Dylan, Springsteen to obscure alterna-pop...as long as the lyrics are poignant and meaningful. Bonus points if: it can be downloaded from iTunes and/or the lyrics/chords are available online
-General followup: I vaguely recall there being a resource where music was catalogued/indexed by themes/lyric keywords, to make this type of search easier. Is there such an online/software-based resource?

Debt Forgiveness

absalom — Thu, 20 Jan 2005 09:16:49 -0800

DebtForgivenessFilter: I'm currently student teaching and expect to get my licensure in May or June, and a job shortly thereafter. Problem is, over my educational career, I've managed to accumulate a not-insubstantial amount in student loans. I'd like to see them lessened to vanish entirely. [+mi] [more:] I'm going to be certified for grades 7-12 in non-critical needs areas: History, Government, and English. (Well, English is sometimes critical need, but also the thing I want to do the least) State is Tennessee, city is Memphis, and moving somewhere else isn't really an option. So, I guess that makes me mostly interested in federal programs, though if Tennessee actually does have something like this, I'm more than happy to take advantage of it.