Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with flirting

What advice would you give me if there might still be a chance?

uberkrn — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 01:14:10 -0800

I’ve had a small crush on a co worker that later turned into a pretty big one. It’s gotten to the point where I couldn’t get her off my mind and it was hard focusing on school work. I’m 25 and haven’t had much dating experience. In my younger years, middle school throughout high school, I had self esteem issues with being overweight and then with acne. I’ve come here seeking advice from a wide verity of experiences of both genders. I found a similar case to mine on here and found the answers very useful so I hope to get great advice from this community. I apologize in advance for a long winded background story but I wanted to make sure I get enough information out to aid you guys. Background:

The small crush began a few months after she moved from out of state and started working where I worked. She’s 23 with a 7 year old son. Over the next 2 years it grew substantially. It kind of seemed like she had a crush on me. The first time we went to the movies with friends, she just sat next to me. We would talk here and there; at work or on facebook(boarder lining flirting at times but maybe not, I’m clueless). From the beginning she would always say hi to me at work when we first see each other but strangely she rarely said bye. At group activities with friends, she would always advert her attention to me when I was trying to talk. I figured her saying hi and this behavior was because she was new in the state and she was just being friendly.

Unfortunately, our jobs as student hires were coming to an end due to budget cuts on a military base. On the second last Sunday of work, I noticed that during the down time at work she didn't really talk to anyone and looked like she was thinking a lot. My buddy J was at the register next to her but they didn't really talk. I don't think she was mad at him because we all went to his place later for game night. On breaks, she would come to my register and get her food and we have a little chat every time. That day she didn't have much make-up on and had a Santa hat and red sweater. That night at J's, she kind of dressed up, did her hair and had make up. Two of my buddies were saying that most of the night she had her attention on me. I didn't do anything about it; I think I should have though. At the time, my mind set was that there’s no way she’d go out with me. A few others also noticed it too because on the last day of work, we went to Dave n Busters for our friend M’s birthday party. J and M were talking about how it seemed that she has a thing for me because of game night the week before and suggested to do something. It was a bit awkward because there were two couples and then there me and her. During the night she would be at my side while playing games at times. But I never made any moves.

Later on the night, J drank quite a few and kept telling me that I needed her in my life and how I need to get in that s*** (his exact words haha). Well at one point, she was right behind him facing the opposite direction and J's loud mouth blabbered on about that so I think she heard. When he said that I just basically just turned around and walked the other way. I feel like I handled that immaturely to be honest.

I feel like since then she's been keeping her distance because on New year’s, she would hang around J's girlfriend most of the night when we went to 16th street mall. My friend K was saying it’s because J had a friend from Spain that he had to keep company and that's why she hung around J's girlfriend to keep her company because that's what girls do I guess. On the last day of work she invited me and some friends to go see The Hobbit so the next day we all went and saw it. Same thing happened, she seemed distant. I talked to K about this whole thing and suggested that I go ask her to coffee and then ask her out. I had a plan to ask her a few questions over the phone about something then bring up getting some coffee. Unfortunately, I felt like there was something wrong about it and just didn’t feel right so I froze right before asking her for coffee. A few days later, as a last resort thing to ask her out, I invited her, J’s gf, and K and his girlfriend to an event that my and my friends participate in for Capoeira. I honestly didn’t expect her and J’s gf to come but they all did. By the end of it, I decided not to ask her out that night for some reason.

At that time, she was just finishing her ‘last semester’ and it was time for her to start her internship. The internship was the last part required for her to graduate. She told me that she had to work roughly 40 hours a week and on top of that she has to take care of her son. Her internship lasted about 12 weeks. During this time, I hadn’t seen her or even chatted with her on facebook; except for the occasional comments on statuses. Obviously she was busy with her internship so I didn’t expect much. In March, I had a little birthday get together and invited her. She said she’d go if her mom could watch her kid. Her mom works for the store we worked at but she stocks so she works the night shift. Fortunately, there was a blizzard that day and the store closed and she was able to make it that night. It kind of seemed like it God planned for her to come haha. Something that was in the back of my mind is that on the night of Dave and Busters, I saw her mom working. I assume that maybe she left her kid asleep at home and went out or perhaps she found a babysitter at the last minute. I was thinking maybe she didn’t have as much effort to come as she did that DnB night? I know to never assume, it makes you look like an ass.

Something that might be worth mentioning is that she posted something about where are all the single guys in this state. On my birthday my aunt comment on my status saying how at 25, my dad had me and if I would be ready to start a family now. I said no, I have to finish school first. She commented on that status as well so she knows that I want to focus on school before even getting into a relationship. Since then, she hasn’t mention anything about wanting to find single guys or what not.

Now it has been about four months since that game night and she’s graduated and now works at the place she interned. This is good news for me because in the past she mentioned of moving to another city after she graduates.

My friend T analyzed my situation nicely and has really opened my eyes. He told me that I should’ve asked her out the night at Dave and Busters and now would be a little too late. So he suggested I ask her to get coffee. I think this time would be perfect since we hadn’t seen each other in awhile so we can catch up. I managed to find the courage to text her to get coffee two weeks ago. I basically told her that I missed talking to her face and asked if she’d like to get coffee the next week. She responded by saying she misses me and said she has to check her schedule but unfortunately she had to work till 8 all week. So I told her that whenever she has time and if she still wants to get coffee to let me know and hopefully it won’t conflict with my classes. She asked for my schedule and she said that we might have to do this when her son leaves to go visit some family. I didn’t ask her when that might be but I assume when school get out. As mentioned before, I pretty much hadn’t done anything to show her that I’m interested. I was hoping that this coffee thing would show that I am interested. She did mention that a friend/old co worker also asked her to get coffee. L is married and is a strong Christian. I thought to myself that by her mentioning this kind of dumbed down my intentions? My friend T’s opinion is that maybe she wants something more than coffee. He says to still go do coffee but ask her out then. She and I are in a little walking dead chat with a few of our friends and recently we’ve been talking on there like before so that’s good. Maybe it’s because I showed her some interest by asking her to coffee?

I want to first see how the coffee goes and if it good, I guess I’ll just ask her out. When the time come to asking her, I’ve thought about just straight out asking her out on a date for dinner at some sushi restaurant. T suggested asking what kind of food she likes and go on from there.

So what do you think? What advice would you give me? Do you think my chances are gone? Am I friend zoned? Do you think she is keeping her distance or I'm just over thinking? Think she's doing it for a reason because maybe she thinks she’s in the friend zone with me? Or was she giving me space due to my reaction to what J said at DnB?

Thank you in advance for reading such a novel haha.

Do you like me or what?

thank you silence — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 10:20:22 -0800

I kinda think the dude likes me but I'm not sure and I'm tired of waiting to find out There's a guy I've known for several years but just recently, like within the past year, we've become pretty close. He lives in another state but calls me every weekend, sometimes more than once a day, and our phone conversations last for about three hours. We talk about our philosophy on dating, marriage, childrearing, and everything in between. We make each other laugh and confide in one another. We talk about poop on the reg, which to me is the sign of ultimate trust. When he's home we go for runs together, eat lunch together, and sometimes I make dinner and he comes over and we watch TV. Nothing physical has ever happened.

This is all fine and good, but my problem is that I'm an all or nothing sort of person. If we're having marathon conversations about life and doing couple-y things together, then I want us to be a couple. If he doesn't want that then fine, but I can't do this relationship purgatory thing where we're sort of dating but not really.

I plan on making this clear the next time we talk. Say something like, "hey, I really like talking to you and spending time with you, but it's getting to the point where I feel like we're more than friends and I'm starting to expect more from you than just being your friend." And then be willing to dial the friendship way back if he does not feel the same way.

But, as modern as I like to think I am, I still subscribe to the notion that if a guy wants to date you, he will make that very clear. I know no one here can tell me what he's thinking and feeling, but any advice would be appreciated. Should I just relax and let things unfold, or should I take the initiative and be straightforward?

I'll be honest, I would love to be pursued. I would love for it to be his idea that we date, but I also don't want to sit around and invest more emotional energy into this thing while I wait for him to decide...

"Who's your daddy?" "Not you."

koucha — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 21:31:58 -0800

I am only approached by men who are much older than me. I approach men my age, and it doesn't go so well. How do I stop this? I am 30, female, and have never dated. I would like to, and though I am somewhat shy, I make myself approach and speak to men, because I know that if I don’t, I will only have myself to blame, and I will never get better at it. My problem is that men that I perceive to be my age are consistently uninterested in me, and the men who do show an interest in me consistently look much older than me – 12 years or older, which I feel is too old for me. Do they walk around with their IDs in hand? No, but they frequently are gray-haired/bearded and/or resemble my father in appearance. This has been happening to me since I graduated from high school with no changes, and I don’t know why it keeps happening or how to attract attention from men who are my age.

Acquaintances and people who do not know me well who are invited to guess my age always guess correctly, or within one or two years of my correct age. I do not dress in a way that invites ogling, and in particular I avoid close that show off my chest too much. Friends and coworkers regularly comment on my fashion sense. I am careful to attend age-appropriate events and will leave if a bar gives off an “old man” vibe. I think that I am attractive, cute, and have a lot to offer the right guy. I don’t think my self-esteem is bad, nor do I think I give off vibes that would draw certain men to me. I am not always, or even often, “on the prowl”.

Some examples of what I mean:

1. I meet a man (early to mid-60s) while between jobs and networking who offers to mentor me. His wife (decades-long marriage, struggling with cancer) is publishing a book and I am interested in entering that field, so for a few months he periodically emails me with jobs he views or ideas of people I ought to communicate with. One day, completely out of the blue, he ends one of his emails with “If you don’t mind me saying so, if I was only a little younger I’d love to take you out for a good time. I know you’ll meet a nice man soon,” etc. To this day I wrack my brain trying to figure out what it was that led him to say this to me. I’m sure that I would not have mentioned anything about dating or relationships to him as it would be wholly inappropriate and outside scope of our relationship. I reply that his statement made me uncomfortable and that his wife surely could use all of his affection during this difficult time. He apologizes and declares that he will never email me again, and he hasn’t.

2. I was alone at a concert. There were a lot of attractive, age-appropriate men at the show. I attempted to chat with a guy who appeared to be alone, but when I spoke to him (about the weather, being purposefully mundane) he stared right at me, turned around 180 degrees, and marched off in the opposite direction. Then, temperature dropped considerably that night, so instead of waiting outside for my ride, I ducked into a restaurant next door (yes, I did make a purchase). An old man who did not work at the restaurant (I checked) came right up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said “sweetheart, are you ok? It’s really cold out there.” I thanked him for his concern and said I was fine, moving to another part of the restaurant. He nevertheless followed me and asked if I needed a ride. I declined again and went outside to wait in the cold.

There are many more examples, but I'm trying to keep this short.

It started out as being rather funny and absurd, but the older I get, the more depressing it is. I have committed to Yahoo’s dating arm and then OkCupid each for a year, but quit both in frustration when the men that I messaged either did not respond or responded with chilling politeness (addressing me as ma’am despite their being the same age as me, answering any question that I might have posed with a minimum of words), and the men who did message me were – surprise! – in their 50s, despite my having clearly stated the age range that I was ok with.

I realize that I can’t make anyone do anything, but if there is anything that I can do to understand why this is happening and to stop getting attention like this from older men, I want to do it. Google has been unhelpful, as other sites either advise that I stop doing things that I'm already not doing (hanging out in old man bars, wearing suggestive clothing, chatting with older men, even innocuously) or to accept and flirt with these men and see where it takes me, which I'm not comfortable with.

Thank you.

Sick of being single, unsure of where to start

Anonymous — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 07:55:22 -0800

21 year old college student with past relationship experience, but I can't get a date to save my life. I believe I know the problem(s) but I'm unsure how to get started in term of solving things. 1) I don't know how to flirt.
2) I have trouble distinguishing when a girl is flirting or just being friendly (I tend to auto assume friendly)
3) If there has been some ambiguous flirting happening (and my attempts at flirting back) and some alone time spent together, the logical move would be to make a move, right? I have an immense amount of trouble going in for a kiss or getting at all physical. To the point where I don't do anything and nothing ever happens.
4) Very hard for me to start talking to a random girl, although I know thats a problem for many. What bothers me is my inability to 'approach' girls I have been introduced to (friends of friends, etc)

I have no problems making friends (of both genders) but once I meet a girl that I am interested in(hook up or dating wise) things tend to go off the rails. It is not that I'm out there getting rejected, it's just that I'm not out there doing anything. Normally I just never make a move or flirt correctly or really even ask a girl on a date and instead we just become friends.

Some background:
Dated two girls, one relationship was short(1 year) and insignificant. Other was long (3 years) and serious. Been single for about a year now. At first I was very excited to about being single but I haven't physically been with a girl since my ex-girlfriend and I haven't been on a date in about 3 months(which was set up by a friend, blind date style).

In both cases of the girls I dated one came on very strong to me to the point that her feelings were obvious - this allowed me to feel confidant to 'pursue' her. With the other I had my friends essentially hold my hand every step of the way with the other girl.

Personally I am more on the reserved side but once I get to know someone I can be very friendly. I know that among friends and acquaintances I'm well liked and thought of in high regards. In terms of raw physical attractiveness I would say I'm average. Well aware that girls won't be throwing themselves at me but at the same time I do not think it is my looks that are holding me back. Male friends have said that I'm "too nice" and "care too much".

Lastly, my goals are in the short term: go on some casual dates and have some hookups. Long term: build the skills and confidence needed to have another serious relationship when the time is right/whenever I might meet someone right. Hoping to be able to take advantage of still being in college(at a large school).

help me flirt in a professional setting

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Jan 2013 21:27:56 -0800

How do I, a barista, flirt with one of my hot regulars? I'm a part time barista at a cafe, and there's this really intriguing, really handsome young man who comes in every morning and orders a large Americano. I've been there for months and he has been very obviously checking me out for months. When I take his order he usually blushes.

We've never had a conversation but based on looks alone Mr. Americano is exactly my type. I had a hunch that he was smart too (he looked smart and I have good smart-dar for guys), but I wanted to verify before flirting with him because google stalking someone is clearly easier than striking up a conversation with them. We have a customer system where we ask people their names and I took note of his one day and then went home and threw it into google. Turns out he's an astrophysics fellow at a top university. And a hot one. Now I'm even more intrigued. I'm guessing there's a good chance he's taken, but I figure I'd be crazy not to give it a shot.

i have never in my life flirted with a stranger, and it's even scarier since he's a customer. Any suggestions for things I could say, ways I could hint at interest, without appearing creepy or inappropriate? Bear in mind he's a regular so I don't want to make a fool of myself. If I'm making drinks at the bar there's a brief window where we could exchange a few words. The register presents another opportunity but it's more pressured since there's usually a line to the door. Just to give you a picture of my demeanor around him so far, I have yet to smile or make eye contact with him; in fact lately I've been avoiding looking at him at altogether, because cute boys obviously turn me into a fifteen-year-old girl. Also, I'm shy, so I would appreciate suggestions for things I could say that wouldn't require too much sassy delivery.

I like someone, how do I talk to them without sounding crazy?

madsy — Fri, 18 Jan 2013 20:14:27 -0800

I like a guy but I don't think of myself as attractive. Obviously, he is attractive to me, but I also think he is considered attractive by most people. People tell me that you should always aim for your own attractiveness-level, so I'm wary about this already. Plus I really don't know how to talk to him because I've placed him on this pedestal and I am completely in awe. How do I approach him? I have zero experience dating. I am super awkward when it comes to boys partially because I have no experience with boys (no guy friends growing up and so on) but also because I tend to be overly anxious and weird. I can come across as very intense sometimes, so I try to mellow it out when I like someone a lot which usually means I end up being completely silent and weird (and then people think I hate them which isn't the case).

I over think, analyze and freak out over everything which I guess is normal but I will actively convince myself to let it go. I see pretty much everything as a rejection. Eventually, I will let it go and I am determined not to do this anymore.

We've talked a few times and we have a lot similar interests. He is really nice. He laughs at my jokes, we have easy conversations. The problem is, ever since I've developed this crush, I've lost my ability to talk to him normally. I worry that I'm bothering him if I message him and when I see him in class, I avoid him because I see too many of his friends around him. Plus, there was this whole incident where I messaged him about something, and he basically ignored me for two weeks. He apologized later and said he remembered seeing it and thought he had replied but forgot instead.

I want to get to know him better. I don't want to just ask him out because I really don't know him that well. How do I do this?

I am going to summarize all my questions, because right now, I'm fairly certain it sounds like a gigantic mess.

1. Should I give up on this because he is way better looking than I am?
2. How do I get the courage to talk to him?
3. How do I express my interest in him without coming off as insane/needy/weird?
4. How do I determine what is actually rejection and what is just normal contact?

Help me at least TRY to flirt with my friend

christiehawk — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 04:21:05 -0800

Seeing as how I was an utter failure at my LAST crush, I’m determined to do things differently and boy do I want to move on from that nightmare. Help me figure out how to do it. Mini backstory – 28 year old lesbian just starting to come out (it’s been a little over a year) and navigate dating and flirting with intent. Very slim dating history with guys, and they did all the work anyway. Still have not been with a girl. Making a first move scares the *%@# out of me. Being single for so long is beginning to really wear on me - I'm increasingly lonely and it makes rejection all the worse.

I’ve recently been hanging out with someone that I’ve known for a little more than a year. She is also a lesbian. We hadn’t really hung out one on one much or anything, and she got into a fight with some of my friends and they all had a falling out, which led to me kind of avoiding her a bit. Not being mean to her or anything like that, just not really engaging her. I didn’t know her very well at the time anyway, so it wasn’t like I was ditching her or something. Recently though she has moved into my town and we have more mutual friends.

She reached out to me to hang out a couple times and I accepted and we had fun. Mostly in groups and such. But recently we’ve been in touch/hanging out a bit more, mainly with other friends, and both initiating plans. And wouldn’t you know it, I’m kinda crushing on her. It’s probably because I always had a seed of a crush/attraction to her, and I guess the fact that she was suddenly hitting me up a lot, and then us having a few deep conversations about our mutual friends, made that grow into a regular crush.

So, what are some things I can do to steer this in a more romantic direction before I suddenly get lost in friend-ville and am doomed to suffer there for all eternity? This is pretty much all just starting so I have a fresh slate to work with here. There's good signs and bad signs from her end, and she's kind of hard to read at the moment. I probably am too.

I am suspicious of a friend of hers that she seems to be texting a lot, and that is giving a huge blow to my confidence here. I know she’s not dating her or in a serious relationship, and she might just be friends with her, but the thought that she might be interested in someone else destroys my resolve and is upsetting me more than I thought it would (whoops, guess my crush is bigger than I thought). I guess I’ll find out about that soon enough. And if she IS into someone else and hasn’t really thought of me that way, is it possible to spark an attraction in her?

I guess some people are going to say "ask her on a date." And that's a possibility, but I guess I'd like to see if I can make this a bit...smoother. I feel like the timing is not right to just ask her out just yet and it would be a little awkward, especially since we started out on the friends foot. I guess I want to gauge or provoke interest a bit more, if possible.

I've been doing a bit more than with my last crush, and we communicate better so I'm a bit more confident. I’ve been trying to do the eye contact thing. Today I mentioned something that made me think of her while I was with family for Christmas. I am going to try to hang out with her one on one more. Any other brilliant ideas? The problem is that when it’s another girl it’s always kind of hazy because you can think YOU’RE being flirty and the other person thinks you’re just being friendly. The thing is, it’s so hard for me to be direct with flirting. Guess I’m just wondering if anyone has any great ideas on how the progression should be, or even if there’s any other lesbians out there with anecdotes about what they did or do in this type of situation.

how to explain to a flirty friend about being monogamish?

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 06:47:58 -0800

I didn't cheat on my girlfriend but it might look like I did; I flirted with my friend but I don't want it to be emotional. What to do? Dear AskMe,

I have a weird quandary here regarding cheating (but not really), and I'm not sure how to reslove it properly.

I'm (mid-20s) currently in a committed relationship with a wonderful, sweet, supportive, and very very attractive girlfriend (mid-20s). We're monogamish, as Dan Savage would put it -- we're open to each other sleeping with other people in a non-emotional manner. I'm okay with her sleeping with other girls, and she's also okay with me sleeping with other girls. (And this has worked out totally fine on her end)

She's brought up her okayness at me sleeping with other girls this multiple times, on her own and without any prompting from me. I even once kept on asking - 'are you sure?' and 'I don't know if I'd be interested', but she maintained that she would be okay with it. However, she insisted on one condition: That she would not know that I had slept with another girl.

Her explanation was that, as long as she didn't find out, she wouldn't be jealous. And as long as I kept the physical relationship purely physical and non-emotional, then no real harm would be done to our emotional relationship, and thus it would be okay. (Again, this is totally and absolutely coming from her -- I asked her, 'are you sure?' multiple times, and she was pretty firm. For what it's worth, my conditions are that she tell me with total transparency when she sleeps with other girls, and she's totally fine with that, and I trust her.)

=====

So, last night I had a drink with a female friend who I hadn't seen in a few years. There was a lot of good tension, and a lot of great conversation, and while I definitely am not attracted to this person in an emotional way, I was interested in flirting and perhaps having something physical. However, I really wanted this friend to fully and completely understand the situation as well, and for her to be totally okay with it, before anything happened.

I walked her back to her place last night. At the last moment, I asked if I could come up. She said, after hesitating, "not tonight", because she had to work early tomorrow -- and then she said, "definitely some other time". I gave her a (chaste) hug, and then said goodbye. And then over text message, she reiterated that I should come over some other time by saying that 'she was happy I said what I said'.

The problem is - our conversation over drink was more abstract/professionalish conversation about our interests and our places within our lives. So I didn't really get a chance to talk about my currently relationship with my (wonderful) girlfriend. I know I could have, but the chance didn't appear. I had the idea that I'd go up to her place, after which the charade of flirting would have been a little bit dissipated by the clarity of "yes, come upstairs". Then, I'd explain my current relationship and the situation, and I'd see then if my friend would be comfortable with it at all.

But since I didn't get to go up, now I'm concerned that my friend has the wrong perception of things (and I'm pretty sure she does). She's been texting me once or twice through the day, with more quasi-emotional contents than flirty ones. And since I don't want this to be a romantic thing, I feel horrible and bad. Since I'd rather not have my girlfriend see these texts and misunderstand the whole situation as an emotional cheating situation, I feel like I have to hide my texts, which makes me feel even more horrible.

Above all, I want to be with my girlfriend and be friends with my friend, and if I could zip backwards in time and have not have walked her to her place, then I definitely would have.

Added complication - my friend is traveling for a while, so the soonest I'll see her is probably in mid-January. If she was around then I'd ask to go get coffee or lunch and explain the whole thing in person and apologize for leading her on / misconstruing things. But since she won't be, that's nearly impossible -- unless I see her tomorrow, during the day.

I guess the worst-case scenario would be to wait a long time, have my friend text/contact/email me in a flirty/emotional matter, to have my girlfriend accidentally find the text and to be surprised and hurt, and for me to explain to everyone way later, and to lose a friend and to have a hurt girlfriend.

So I could do a few things -
1) I could talk to my friend in person tomorrow (but I'm about 90% sure she won't be free)
2) I could wait until mid-January and talk to my friend in person.
3) I could send her an explanatory email explaining the whole thing and apologizing, but I don't like the fact that I wouldn't be able to talk back-and-forth with her
4) I could explain the whole situation to my girlfriend, making her slightly jealous, and also talk to my friend. But since my girlfriend had explicitly said not to tell her, I feel as if I should resolve this without involving my girlfriend --- especially since nothing has happened on my part, whether emotionally or physically. And so I feel like my desire to explain the situation is really my desire to relieve myself of feeling horrible, which feels selfish.

At the same time, I wonder if I'm over-reacting. However, I really don't want anyone's feelings to be hurt. What do you think?

TL;DR: I (didn't) cheat on my girlfriend by hitting on my friend, who seems interested in a relationship which I don't want, but I can't talk to her in person for a month and don't want to mislead her on, and don't want to have my girlfriend "find out" and be hurt

SPOOOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!

mreleganza — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 15:16:52 -0800

Coworker I think I may like, and who may or may not kinda like me, did something today that I'm trying to figure out whether it was flirty or innocuous. Level-5 beanplating below the fold. I've known her for about two months. She was sitting in our break area eating a meal she had brought from home. (Alas, we work slightly different shifts and our breaks/lunches are staggered so I never get to have break/lunches with her). I was coming back from my break and still had a couple minutes left. I sat down across from her and asked her what she was eating.

She said it was a new recipe she just made, would I like a bite? Sure, I said. So she cut me off a piece with the spoon she was eating with (actual brought-from-home silverware), scooped it in said spoon, and handed to me.

I think if the roles were reversed, I'd have to be pretty damn comfortable with a person to let them eat off my spoon. So I was kinda...flattered? Perhaps pointlessly?...that she did that.

So I'm curious what the consensus is on probably flirty/probably not flirty her gesture was.

FWIW, I'm just getting over a cold, which sort of gave me an out. I said, "Well, I'm just getting over a cold, so..." and I dumped the spoon's content into my mouth without touching the spoony part. It was aiight.

Is he flirting? Trying to get my attention?

femmefatale123 — Sun, 28 Oct 2012 13:57:24 -0800

Is he flirting? Trying to get my attention? I dated a guy for half a year. We were really close–I thought. He told me he loved me & cared about me–& showed it as well. Two months ago he told me I was beautiful, intelligent, & perfect for him but something was “missing” & we split. He says he is scared because he was hurt badly by an ex-wife who cheated on him & hasn’t had a relationship for years. But he’s been divorced for 15 years!

We remained Facebook friends. Lately, he “likes” & comments on my posts daily, sometimes multiple times a day. Two weekends ago I went to a masquerade party/wedding reception & posted some pics from the party. I was wearing a sexy red dress. He commented on the album with a single word: “Ouch.”

He finds little reasons to maintain a low level of contact with me. It’s confusing and feels like mixed messages. I know for a fact he’s not seeing anyone else. Why does someone dump you & then behave like this?

Have you seen the movie "Secretary"? Yeah, like that.

Danithegirl — Tue, 19 Jun 2012 06:53:24 -0800

Asking for a Friend/CoWorker: Boss and underling develop feelings for each. Both break it off, but now friend is feeling hurt and rejected. What advice can I give her? My friend works at the same law firm as me, and has put herself in an awkward position. Over the past few months she had been very friendly with her boss and over the recent weeks it had turned into overtly flirting. She says she doesn’t have feelings for her boss, but that there was strong tension between them.
I don’t know the full story, but over the weekend she had decided enough was enough after a lawyer caught them chatting (she insists nothing physical happened between them, but there was lots of texting and their topics of conversation crossed over the professional line).

I assume her boss felt the same way, because he started acting cold towards her this week. On the one hand she tells me she’s okay with this but is saddened by his lack of emotion towards her. I suspect she started to develop feelings for him, as he most likely did her.

Now she’s coming to me for advice. She understands the need to be professional (for both of their jobs), but she feels having him distant and stand offish will make her just as upset. She makes a good wage and has friends(me!) at this job but feels like leaving if it’s going to be like this.

I asked her if she wanted to sleep with him and she stated no, but she seems confused and most definitely hurt. What should I tell her?

My opinion is to stick with it - I understand that flirting happens, but I think she's taking it too personally. I know this lawyer and he is married and seems happily so. BUT -- I know what it's like to fall for someone and I'd like to tell her more then "Suck it up".

Getting hit on, red flags, and Europe

hotchocolate — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 13:21:21 -0800

How can I tell when someone is hitting on me, and what red flags can I look for? In general and also specifically for Europe. I'm in an Eastern European country for the summer, and... it's really awkward. I'm Asian and have lived in the US for most of my life. Here, I've found that men STARE. And hold your gaze. This seems to be especially bad when I'm walking alone. (My American roommates have corroborated this when they are out alone too.) I suppose it's a combination of my looks and being female, but this makes me uncomfortable. I've been determinedly avoiding their gaze and looking anywhere else. Is my wariness justified? Also, when a man here strikes up a conversation with me and asks me out for drinks, should I generally assume that it isn't because I could be a potentially awesome friend but because I'm a girl (who will be a quick summer fling)? Is "drinks" code for "I'm interested"?

Other potentially relevant info: I'm college-aged, and this is my first time experiencing this sort of thing in the real world. I am not particularly pretty. When men ask me out, if it isn't explicitly a date, I assume that it'll be an interesting conversation and say yes. I've had one unpleasant surprise with that already this summer, although it wasn't in the country that I'm in now. I'm seeing now that this is naive at best and dangerous at worst.

How do I know when someone is, well, interested and not just as friends? Are there scary first-impression red flags that should tip me off that I should say no? (I'm thinking of men who don't react well to my bringing along other people, for example.) Also, any tips to deal with the staring would be appreciated! General and Europe-specific advice would be so helpful.

I searched previous askme's and didn't see anything exactly the same, but please let me know of relevant threads! Thank you.

Don't Have a Man, Don't Need One, Thanks.....

chara — Mon, 04 Jun 2012 12:36:50 -0800

I get hit on a lot at work. It's not flattering at all. I find it very embarrassing and demoralizing. I don't know how to cope. I am a female in my mid-20s. I work with an organization that helps low-income adults pursue post-secondary education. I meet one-on-one with new students every day, literally hundreds of people a year. A small but significant amount of men from this particular population often hit on me. They make comments about my appearance, ask about my relationship status, or straight-up ask me out. I guess these guys think "Hey! There's this cute young girl who is being nice to me, is helping me, and seems to give a shit about me! I'm going to try to hit that!" They are usually not lewd or threatening, but it makes me uncomfortable and I deal with it constantly, at least several times a week.

I try to stay polite and professional, and that tends to diffuse the situation in the moment. I can laugh it off afterwards, but in the long-run, this has all taken a toll on me. I no longer wear make-up to work. I wear dowdy ugly shapeless clothes. I don't engage my male students in polite conversation when I'm working with them, lest they mistake my polite banter for flirting. My demeanor becomes cold and distant, which is the exact opposite of my normal personality. I get a weird panicky feeling any time a man asks me a personal question, even if he's just trying to be nice. I just try to get them in and out of my office as fast as I can. I want to be warm and engaging, I want to help them. I don't want to have to put my 'bitch face' on every time I meet with a man. I know that the majority of men I meet with are kind and polite and professional and will keep their opinions of me to themselves. It's just a few bad apples that spoil the bunch.

My office is small (only 5 employees total) and my other co-workers are male and/or older than I am, so they don't have to deal with this issue. I just don't want to keep feeling a sense of dread and loathing every time I look at my calendar and see a male name on my schedule. I've talked to a therapist about this before, but he wasn't very helpful. Whenever I talk to people about this, I always feel like I'm just coming across like "Waaahhh! It's so hard to be thin and beautiful and popular! Everyone wants to have sex with me!" I hope this makes sense and I hope someone can give me some advice.

How do I relax and just get laid, rather than obsessing over it?

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 14:00:03 -0800

I want to have more sex, but I don't want to get hung up about it. How do I stop obsessing about (not) getting any? Brief history: mostly straight, early twenties male, recently left university and now in the world of work, history of depression. Mostly happy.

I had a few crushes at school, but nothing I acted on until I arrived at university. A protracted courtship led to a very fulfilling, very intense, very sexual, often tumultuous three-year relationship with a beautiful, wonderful girl, which ended four months ago on amicable terms.

That was my first kiss, first relationship, first sex. It was quite a journey. I like to think I'm now quite sexually well-adjusted; that I've 'caught up' with my peers who were having sex earlier than I did.

Except for one detail: whenever I hear about others' sexual escapades, particularly when they're unexpected (e.g. chaste-seeming acquaintance turns out to be very sexually experienced), I feel deeply jealous. It only lasts a few minutes, in which time I realise that my response is irrational, that sex isn't a game to be played for points against others.

Still, I think it's an indicator of something deep-seated that isn't right. Part of me feels left behind in the sexual scene. Only having had one sex partner doesn't help: I don't really have any experience of getting sex! I don't have the social mores by which people charm strangers into their beds, because the only sex I've had has been in the context of a long courtship in a committed relationship.

This tends to lead me to read about how to have more sex. Which, of course, is a dead end, because there is no line you cross after which you know everything about a subject. It's also a road that leads to all sorts of skeevy PUA material, some of which is fine (dress well, be confident, make eye contact) but a lot of which is awful. Flirting and fucking are universals, and reading more about them is probably like reading books about jogging without actually going for a damn run. For me, I suspect, it's an excuse not to be bold. Partly, the obsession over method is a belief on my part that people seem to just walk into sex, and that as that doesn't happen to me, I need to up my game.

My two (related) questions:

How do I negotiate having more sex? (specifically, without convincing myself there's some routine I need to learn, or some body language trick I should read about, or some weightlifting routine I should do first), and

How do I not be hung up about how much sex everyone else is having? That nagging feeling that I'm being left behind is still there. I'd rather just be flirty and have fun and see if sex comes my way, rather than be ruthlessly goal-oriented and feel I need to increase my 'number' for the sake of it.

Turned off by forwardness

Anonymous — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 20:07:01 -0800

Is it strange that I get turned off by outright flirting and sexual advances from men? Basically when I'm getting to know a guy, I look for a deep mental/emotional connection with him. It really catches my interest when that happens with a man, although looks, ambition, etc also factor into attraction to some extent. One thing I've noticed though is that if a man tries to flirty aggressively, making a comment about my appearance ("those long legs of yours" "I bet you turn heads" etc) or starts talking about sex, I have a negative gut reaction towards him. It makes me feel like he's objectifying me instead of appreciating my ideas or convictions. Being an idealist likely contributes to this unrealistic and critical perspective, and I know I need to just get over it because in the real world, men are attracted to good looking women, and have sexual thoughts about them! My parents never discussed sex much although I certainly don't see it as dirty or shameful. I eventually do feel comfortable being very sexual with a man (I'm kind of a freak deep down, hah!), but it comes much later in the process of getting to know a guy, and happens only after I feel safe with him. Typically I've dated guys I've become friends with first. It's also noteworthy that I did the "pursuing" with those guys, and it ended up with me not feeling wanted! Maybe I just don't know what I want, or don't know how to identify the right type of guy when he crosses my path. It's like, a guy has to show some interest, but not TOO MUCH interest, or I get scared away. I'm in my mid 20s and not very sexually experienced, having had only one boyfriend.

How can I become more comfortable with aggressive, alpha male type flirting? How do I adopt more realistic standards when it comes to choosing men to go out with?

Please don't flirt with me, sonny

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 07:52:49 -0800

How to kindly discourage flirting in a pen-pal context? Military perspectives very welcome. I've been sending care packages to (unknown to me, but not anonymous) deployed troops, as part of a Support Our Soldiers effort. Usually I don't hear back, but sometimes the guy wants a pen-pal. Great, I'm happy to correspond with somebody, if it makes their day a little better. However, though I am old enough to be these guys' mom, sometimes they flirt with me. I don't like that.

I get young men being (a) gallant and/or (b) indiscriminate -- OK, I was a young woman once. But I'm not one now, and flirtation from someone my son's age makes me feel slimy, as if my motives for doing this thing are called into question. Like I'm some would-be cougar preying on these poor lonely 20-year-olds.

Noooo, squick, not me. I just picture my son in a deployment situation, and how much that would suck for him, and I want to do for these guys what I'd do for my boy, in case their parents can't, or won't. Send them movies and candy bars and a nice letter from time to time. Show them they matter to someone. Lay up some good karma for my son, maybe.

So while I know how to discourage flirting in real life, in all its myriad gradations between a puzzled look and pepper spray, I don't know how to strike the right note here. The maternal note. The firmly but kindly maternal note, that doesn't make the guy feel stupid, or like he can't keep emailing me if he feels like it.

Please note: these guys know my age, my adult kids' ages, and have seen my picture. If that didn't do the trick, I really don't know.

How to Get What I Want

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 06:52:54 -0800

How do I, an early-30's woman, get what I want when it comes to dating and sex? I would really love some advice about dating and sex. It seems I can never get what I want. I know that's an old refrain, and there might not be anything I can do about it. But if there is something I can do, I would really like to know.

My situation is like this: everyone I like is unavailable in some way; the guys that like me and are available, I just never get enthusiastic about. I usually give these guys more than one chance- go out a few times, etc. I just don't want to prolong things if I am not feeling it. Should I be prolonging things more?

I'm a pretty romantic and emotional person, and I really want a connection with a partner. However, at the same time, I am somewhat of a free spirit and not really looking to get tied into a commitment unless I know it's really right. In the meantime, I still would like to have a sexual partner. But I DON'T want to have meaningless or bad sex. (I'd rather have nothing). I just don't know at all how to go about finding this kind of arrangement. I don't want a "fuck buddy", yet I don't necessarily need a commitment. But I have no idea how to signal to a man that I am not an easy, casual hookup while at the same time I want to have sex. part of the issue is that I live in a pretty sexually conservative country (where I am not originally from).

I am wondering if anyone with experience can give me some tips. Should I flirt more? Are there certain places I should go? I know that part of the problem is my shyness. But I don't know how to get over that.

FWIW, I think I am decently attractive, and sometimes get approached by guys (but I never feel attracted to them when I am, sigh). I wouldn't mind approaching guys myself, but again, how?

Also, I am on an online dating site in this country, but it is really a lot to weed through and I can't get a good sense of what the guys are like, partly because the site is not in English. I'd much prefer to meet people in person.

Also...is it ok to hang out with guys romantically interested in me, as "friends"? Or is that not fair to them?

BTW- This is not a temporary or new situation. I have never had a romantic relationship lasting more than a couple months.

I hope my question is clear. I was hoping others who have been in this situation and found their way out would have a few words of advice.

Damage Control

Anonymous — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 08:05:08 -0800

I think I accidentally lead on my non-English-speaking coworker. iAyudame, por favor! I just started working as a hostess at a restaurant where the kitchen staff are all Hispanic males who don't speak much English. Having studied Spanish in high school, I am able to communicate with them in basic phrases but I don't always understand what they say. Two of the guys--I'll call them Guy X and Guy Y--are pretty flirty with all the female front of house staff; Guy X is always asking about my non-existent boyfriend/saying he wants to be my boyfriend. A third guy who works in the kitchen, Guy Z, is probably in his late 30s or early 40s; unlike the other two he's pretty quiet and reserved, but there have been times when I've seen him getting down to some song that's playing on the radio in the kitchen, and I've found him rather intriguing, because I feel that I see some of myself--shy and withdrawn but really loving to let go and cut loose sometimes--in him. This has led me to saying things that I had hoped would be taken as a joke whenever the two other guys give me shit about getting a boyfriend/wanting to be my boyfriend, like "Z is my favorite" and "I'm in love with Z." At one point I said "Le amo" to Z as a sign of my appreciation when he was helping me out with something during a busy dinner shift. I always figured that because there's an obvious language and age difference between us, the three of them would know I was just joking, but now I am not so sure.

What's causing my uncertainty is an episode that occurred last week: during my fourth week of work, I found out that one of the servers, who doesn't speak any Spanish, sometimes hangs out with Guy Z. I thought the fact that they could spend time together in spite of the language barrier incredibly cool, and so when I found out that they were going to a dance club one night with Guy Y I decided I would join them too. She paired up with Y, so I danced with Z. At first, he and I danced separately, and I was happy we were staying out of each other's personal bubbles because I have personal space issues. But as the night progressed and people started packing closer together he put his hands on my waist and I put my hands on his back, because I thought backing away would have been awkward and perhaps insulting, although in retrospect I realize that I really should have done this since I didn't feel comfortable with our physical contact. At first I thought that we were dancing together in a friendly way. But I have never been in a relationship, so I am now wondering if touching each other while dancing is something that people who aren't romantically interested in each other do.

As I think back on that night, a few other things stand out in my mind as being somewhat questionable. Z walked me home, and as we walked he asked if I had a boyfriend (I guess he missed my informing X that I didn't have one) And when I asked him what he liked to do when he didn't work, he said he enjoyed eating at one of the local Mexican restaurants and asked if I liked eating there, too, saying maybe we could eat there one day. (Though, to be fair, he did say non-romantic things like "I look forward to being friends with you" and talked about us becoming better friends) When we said goodbye, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, which was surprising but I just figured it was a cultural custom (he's Honduran, in case that's relevant at all). At first I thought that this was all just a friendly exchange laying the basis for us to become cultural/language exchange buddies but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if there were some more suggestive undertones to it.

The next day, I thought he would be more friendly or talkative, but he didn't act any different, going about his business as usual. The fact that he didn't act really buddy-buddy with me makes me hope that he just sees me as a friend. And this guy really does seem like a decent person, from the fact that he walked me home and the fact that in the past he has apparently warned some of the female employees to not get drinks with Guy X (X made some aggressive, unwanted advances with a female coworker when they were drinking together once, which doesn't surprise me given his overt flirtatiousness when sober). Z also seems a lot less lecherous and more respectful than the other two guys, but there are certain things that are making me question how he sees me/what his intentions truly are:

1.) He told me he was 25, when he clearly looks older. I gullibly believed him, thinking that a lot of people look older than they are, but one of the servers said he was lying. When I asked him again how old he was, he said he was 26, so I figured if he didn't want to reveal the truth about his age I wouldn't push it any further. When he asked me why I was curious, I said "Just wondering" because I figured that was a more tactful answer than "Because you look a lot older than 26," but I wonder if he took my inquiry as a sign of interest in him.

2.) A few nights after we hung out, we were talking and although I'm not 100% certain, I think he said something about wanting to find a girlfriend. After that, two of my coworkers told me separately that he has kids and a girlfriend (I highly doubt his kids live with him here; otherwise, why would he go out dancing late at night after work?). One of them mentioned it off-handedly without any knowledge of the kitchen staff's boyfriend banter with me; the other, who is also a native Spanish speaker with limited English, was pretty emphatic about the fact that he has a girlfriend and kids, so I'm now starting to see that what I considered friendly banter about my getting a boyfriend might have been taken more seriously than I initially imagined. But it could be that this coworker is blowing things out of proportion and thinking that I'm interested in actually dating one of these guys when I'm really not.

3.) He has sent me two text messages after work saying "Feliz noche." The second time included "ilove" (I guess he forgot to text "you"). I really didn't think about it that much, because I thought maybe it was an instance where someone with limited knowledge of a different language is just using a common phrase that they don't really intend as a vessel for substantive meaning, sort of like when I said "Le amo" to him. But maybe I'm wrong?

I am horribly embarrassed about this situation. If this guy is interested in me, I feel as if I've led him to cheat emotionally on whoever he is dating. I figure that if he ever invites me to go dancing or asks if I want to eat dinner, I will definitely not go. But am I overthinking this? Could it be possible that maybe he's just really friendly and wanting to make friends with a native English-speaker? And if he is interested, what would be a good way to handle our interactions so that I still come across as friendly but not flirty?

Shitting where you eat.

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 06:48:51 -0800

I made the very classic mistake of sleeping with a coworker and now trying to pretend nothing happened. What is the protocol for this, because I have suspicions she is breaking it. Medium-long post. [THE BACKGROUND]

I slept with a coworker 3 times at my small company over the course of November and December last year. I have been at the company for 1.5 years and it is her first job out of college. She is very flirtatious with everyone at work, which I found to be pretty bold for someone just starting their career.

During her first two months there, she would aggressively pursue me while I was dating someone else - asking me out to get a drink after work almost every week for a month (I'd decline, "Hey, I'll have to take a raincheck but I'll see you at the group happy hour friday", etc). She would also text me and chat with me online every day, all the time, extremely mundane things like "I'm sooo hungry!" or certain inside jokes we shared.

When things ended with the person I was dating I decided to take her up on her offer for drinks and, almost like clockwork, hooked up afterward - confirming my suspicions that she wasn't "just being friendly" when she flirted at work. After we slept together we discussed that this needs to be very casual and very private. I agreed to this. I am all for casual relationships. We go on another "date" the next week and hook up again.

What I didn't realize that to her, "casual" meant getting together solely on her terms and me feeling like a complete idiot if I dared make my own move. The next friday I texted her after work (she still texted me every day) to see if she wanted to hang out she would say really strange excuses like "you don't want to come here, my roommates boyfriend is over and he's really weird"...and when I'd say, "oh, well if you're trying to get out of the house you're invited to come out with me and some friends" she'd just flat out not respond, then text me the next morning "hey sorry, I fell asleep really early!" (at 7:30pm?).

She did the same thing the next week when there was an organized happy hour and I asked if she wanted to hang out afterward...radio silence, then, "I don't know what I'm doing afterward," then she tried to change the subject to something work-related. I figured, okay, obviously what happened was a one time (er, two time) thing and I'm making an ass of myself now - if she were interested she would have said Yes, simple as that. When I left that happy hour early because I made other plans, she texted me "leaving so soon?" and when I said yup, she said "oh. are you going home?" I told her I had other plans. I was extremely confused as to why she was texting me.

The next weekend she texted me and asked what I was up to that night, and I took it as an opening and said, "nothing, want to go out"? She said sorry, she has others plans. I was confused - what was she doing, testing me to see if I'd ask her out? I decide that this is obviously over, time to move on.

Except after another group coworker happy hour the following week (it is now a month later), she sleeps with me again, this time very spontaneously. I offered to drive her home thinking I really was just giving her a lift and she invited me inside afterward. We go to work the next day and pretend nothing happened.

The same cycle continues - I try to initiate things again a few times, she declines (without being straightforward in any way, of course). The last straw is when she invites me out at a bar in my own neighborhood, then "forgets" to call me or check her phone when she gets there - basically flat-out flaking on me. Maybe she was afraid I'd try to initiate something. At this point I decide I'm done being flirty with her at work, responding to her mundane texts, gchatting, etc. It's over. She's not into it. Time to just go back to being coworkers. This was about a month ago.

[THE QUESTION]

Except it's not over - it's been about a two months now since anything physical happened, and she still texts me all the time. She tries to gchat me when she's bored at work ("I'm sooo tired"). I ignore them, and she has noticed. And even despite investing in a good pair of headphones, she STILL comes over to my desk, pulls up a chair and says things like "Hi! Whatcha doin!" or if she sees me casually chatting with another coworker about non-work stuff, she'll find a way to butt into our conversation. It's gotten to the point where she mockingly says things like "HI ANONYMOUS!" or "ANONYMOUS IS IGNORING MEEE" in a patronizing, jokingly over-excited way when I walk by her desk or pass her in the hall. The worst part is, we work at a very small company (20 people, no real HR) so there is no avoiding this. We even work together as a team on a certain project.

Sometimes I give in to this type of flirtatiousness - I'll try to stay stoic and professional, but will end up giggling along with her by the end of our interactions because I can't help it. But I don't want to. It's getting to the point where work is becoming dreadful, because of her. I want to set boundaries with her, but am afraid it would seem really out of the blue for her and immediately make things more tense than they should be.

What do I do? How do I interpret her behavior? How do I respond?

Les Liaisons Dangereuses?: What is flirting, and am I doing it?

UniversityNomad — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 06:28:47 -0800

What is flirting? And am I doing it? I'm an extrovert (ENFP on the Myers-Briggs typology, if you put any stock in it), and really enjoy people. I love meeting people, connecting with them on the various planes we have in common, and having deep conversations with them. Over the years, I've been accused multiple times of being charming, forward, a tease, or a flirt - sometimes I've been told this directly, and sometimes it's become clear because the man in question acts as though I've made a come-on. I have always been very surprised to hear my behavior characterized in this way, as I do not intend this motive, and also I believe that I behave in the same way with both men and women, of all ages. Obviously I've never watched myself, but the following is my best attempt to describe objectively my conversational style:

• I make eye contact pretty frequently in conversation, and tend to hold it, to show that I'm listening rather than looking around at other conversational options.
• I smile often and sometimes laugh in conversation. I also get really excited and animated about topics I'm into.
• I'm confident, and will often introduce myself to people I don't know at big mingles, or when out and about (e.g. in line at the post office; at a mulled wine intermission at a church carol service). I'm rarely (if ever) intimidated by the wealth, class, intelligence, etc., of the person with whom I'm speaking, and assume an egalitarian stance.
• I listen intently to what the person is saying, and ask questions. I'm not feigning this interest; I do it because I'm genuinely interested in most things, and enjoy hearing what the person has to say. I also think it's respectful to focus on the person you're presently engaged with, conversationally.
• The conversations I have with friends are often intense, in a good way. We'll often do dinner and then just chat for a few hours about politics, religion, gender, sexuality, etc. Mostly I discuss these topics in the abstract, because I'm deep down a private person. So while I might converse fairly extendedly about my views on sexual ethics and the hookup culture, I don't talk about my personal sex life. But often the conversations are very intense and sparky - not intense or sparky in a sexual way, to me, but I suppose the male friends in question could interpret it differently [see below].
• I'm verbally playful, and gently tease (when I know the person as a friend). Sometimes, this is to protest something offensive while attempting not to stop a group conversation mid-stream, - e.g. if a friend of mine makes a sexist comment, I'll call them out on it but in a teasing way rather than changing the whole course of the conversation to make it a referendum on their comment). But it extends beyond this: I just find engaging with others in a playful way to be fun.
• I'm not sure whether this is relevant, but I'm very comfortable with my body, and wear clothes that I'd consider classy but fairly tight-fitted (think Boden or Brora jersey dresses). I don't show tons of cleavage, but sometimes show some (Just to explain my rationale: I'm a C-cup, and spent too long as an Evangelical teenager wearing modest clothing and still being hit on, and then angsting about whether or not I was leading my "brothers in Christ" into sin. I learned through this that I can't control others' reactions to me and my body, and trying to do so makes me self-conscious and unhappy; thus I don't have the desire to completely disguise the fact that I'm female while in public. This post describes it well).
• Things I DON'T do include touching the person I'm talking to (that's reserved for people I'm romantically interested in or involved with). Also, my playful banter doesn't usually turn sexual, unless I'm single and with old friends.

I guess what I'm wondering is:
1. What is flirting? How does it differ from being a good listener and a fun conversationalist?
2. Am I flirting, with the behavior described above? Which aspects specifically are flirtatious? I don't want to come across as flirtatious, or a tease, but charming is fine. If I am being the former, how specifically should I tone it down in a way that still allows my personality and preference for playful interaction to shine through? Essentially I'd like to come across as friendly, playful, and engaging, but without it having sexual over- or undertones.
2b. Also, is talking extendedly about sex in the abstract with male friends flirtatious (e.g. to use the example above, having a long conversation about sexual ethics and the hook-up culture, but not talking about your own sex life)? Is this inappropriate when in a relationship with someone else? Can something be flirtatious with a male friend when the same gesture/topic wouldn't be with a female friend? The good friends I've had these sorts of conversations with have often told me I'm a flirt, but (it transpired later) that they had a crush on me, so I'm not sure is attributable to the conversations specifically.
3. The accusations of flirting have especially been while I've lived in England. I'm wondering whether some of it is a cross-cultural misunderstanding - i.e. that Americans tend to stand closer to their conversational partner, make more eye contact, smile, etc., and this is perceived by some other cultures as being forward, or flirtatious. My [female] professor here in the UK remarked that I come across as "warm, friendly, and confident, like all the Americans I've met". So, how much of this is cultural difference? (This has happened in America too, however, so I don't think it's all explainable by this.)
4. Most of the accusations of flirtation etc. have come from men - and specifically, mostly from male friends that it turned out later had a crush on me. Could it be that I'm not actually behaving any differently than anyone else is, but they're reading flirtation onto my behavior because they fancy me? I know that when I've crushed on others, I've wanted to interpret every word, gesture, and look as a confirmation of their interest in me, when in reality this was often not the case.

Sorry about the long post; I wanted to be as specific as possible. I've seen the "how to flirt" AskMeFi questions, but I think this is rather different, and more specific. Any ideas you have about any of the above would be most appreciated!

Help me flirt with my uber hot sweetie?

Anonymous — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 18:10:29 -0800

flirting tips/ideas? i'm really good at sweet, romantic, thoughtful, etc. not the best at sexy. my partner and i have been together for 2.5 years. we were friends for a long time before. we live a super happy life together, support each other and love each other. i want to be a better flirt, though. i can make my partner feel loved and wanted with kindness and romantic gestures, but i'm so historically shy that it's really hard for me to be sexy/dirty flirty. i'm wondering if there are any blogs, books, tips that folks could share so that i can try to step outside of my comfort zone. does my partner want this? she says she's happy with me as me but that it would be fun if i played with being flirty in a dirty way. i want to bring that to her and us as a couple! (she is good at it). i get frozen in my fear of not knowing what to do, so i'd appreciate your support. i have already tried writing some short stories of sexy build up for her. she enjoyed them, but i'm still honestly embarrassed of the process! i know i need to work on that - but i think honestly i'm going to need to take this on by "faking it till i make it."

thanks!
shy me

ps we're both women if that helps with the lingo.

It gives you so much to talk about, but no way to flirt about it.

stroke_count — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 22:37:37 -0800

Cross-cultural daters, how different is flirting across (very distinct) cultures? Please tell me about your experiences with ~~culture~~ flirt shock. I'd like to hear your own anecdotes, but here's some context: I'm a twenty-something American guy, and I've met somebody new from eastern Asia, a place I've never been. Chemistry is there, but I'm not sure where it will lead. She seems to be into me, but I'm struggling to muffle this voice of doubt that says that I could be misreading some signals (e.g. giddy excitement) through a cultural lens. Or I worry that my more subtle signals (e.g. teasing her lightheartedly) might be zooming over her head, purely for cultural reasons.

Did you go with your gut and rely on some universal flirting quotient? Or was there a delicate game of give-and-take to calibrate your cultural meter in the romantic domain?

This thread is helpful, but I'd like to narrow it to flirting specifically.

How do I talk to gf about her past, secrecy and daddy issues?

the milky bar kid — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 04:29:54 -0800

She doesn't want to talk about her past; I feel it's relevant to our relationship. Most of her close friends are ex-FWBs and flirt incessantly/proposition her for sex, she's secretive about things. I don't know what to do or what to say. I've been dating my girlfriend for 6 months now, and it's been more or less great. However, there's one big issue that I feel I need to talk to her about and I simply don't know how to go about it.

A bit of background: my girlfriend had a fairly traumatic upbringing and her father abandoned her at a young age. Both of these led her to go off the rails in her adolescence -- she slept with random guys, flirted with everybody, had FWBs with almost all of her male friends, sent nudes around the internet and generally was not OK.
Once she got out of high school, she started to get back on the right track and now seems to be in a better place. Recently she said to me that she finally feels like she's in a the place she wants to be and has her life on track.

Now, I've tried to bring up her past a couple times, but only ever gently. She's ashamed of the stuff she did and doesn't like talking about it.

Here's where the problems are:
Firstly, I don't know what to do about such a big shroud of secrecy lying over events that were clearly so important in her development. She really won't talk about things more than about three years ago. This normally wouldn't be an issue -- people have pasts, and the past is the past; it's not a big deal if it has no relevance to the present, and people need time to get over things. Cool.

However, this is a bit of a weird situation, because many of the people she slept with, specifically the FWBs, and people she used to flirt with / send nude pictures to are still great friends of hers. This normally wouldn't be an issue, but they flirt with her endlessly, and not in a playful, friendly way, but in an intensely sexual and (I would say) inappropriate way. Just the other night, after visiting friends, one of these guys started texting her, telling her he wished she was in his bed and so on (it kept going for about 20 minutes until she told him to stop because we were trying to sleep).
Another close friend of hers frequently shares sexual links with her and talks about how he misses her / how adorable/sexy she is and so on. And this isn't just a few guys, it's a pretty huge chunk of her friend circle.
Annoyingly, she'll often text these people back while they're flirting with her, ostensibly telling them to go away in a "nice" way (she doesn't want to hurt anyone, apparently).

When I brought up that I'd like to know in advance if a close friend was a former FWB (especially if we were going to meet him together, since it puts me in an awkward spot if I don't know, imo), she got defensive and told me she just didn't understand why I had to know, which seems to be her attitude to her past in general.

She gets male attention all the time, which is to be expected as she's very attractive.
I don't have a problem with this per se, but she has quite a few acquaintances (a cop, for example, who used to grab food with her as she works in a dive bar in a dangerous area); she's told me nothing happened with this guy, but he frequently propositions her for sex, straight-up. I told her I didn't want her to hang around with the guy any more and she agreed, but just last week she got a text from him again after a month or so of nothing; she admitted she'd gone to see him to ask him about something or other going down near her work (it's something only a cop would know, but still) and he'd (apparently, judging by the text) misinterpreted her casual, platonic questions as an advance.

Although I don't think she's cheating on me or putting the wheels in motion (when she tells me she loves me, I believe it; she seems very sincere in most of her actions and is going out of her way to support me at the moment), something about the situation makes me really uneasy and I feel like there's this secrecy that's becoming the elephant in the room. I don't know if she just surrounds herself with creepers, or if she's actively flirting in order to get attention from other guys (this is my guess).

I should not that my last relationship ended after being cheated on, so I'm perhaps a little more sensitive than I might usually be to all of this; I haven't had a chance to really hang out with a lot of these people just yet and see how they interact, but from the small glimpses I've seen of online conversations and text messages (she occasionally shares these with me; sometimes I inadvertently see) it looks pretty blatant.

These guys really don't have her best interests in mind. I'm worried that when we fall out, she's gonna run to one of her male friends for support and he's going to use the situation against us, since he doesn't give two shits about her relationship or about me.

Additionally, although I'm not sure if it's reasonable for me to feel this way, it's pretty upsetting to me that she keeps these guys around, as I feel both disrespected and also that she's putting our relationship in unnecessarily risky territory. I also feel that, really, my attention should be enough for her.
Before you think I'm the archetypal jealous boyfriend for saying that, I don't mind her being flirted with / hit on; I just don't think it's acceptable for her to be going out specifically to garner such attention, especially when it becomes so serious so quickly, to say nothing of the drama -- we've had a fair bit already with a couple of guys becoming pretty upset that she chose me over them, despite the offer never being on the table.

Bottom line is, I love her, but it's an issue. I don't really know how to bring it up.

She's told me multiple times that I have absolutely nothing to worry about and I don't want to come across as jealous / psycho and end up having her become MORE secretive about her behaviour to avoid conflict, but I'm not sure how long I can put up with it.

For those of you who say "just talk about it", it's one of those things that's sort of hard to drop into every day conversation -- and I want to do this as diplomatically as possible, which is why I need a bit of advice as to what I should do and what I should say to make things as drama-less as possible.

So, MeFi, What do I do? What do I say?

Less attractive than I think?

Anonymous — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 07:29:09 -0800

I know the general practice for women is to date guys who seem into you, but what if guys don't seem into you? I think ("think" being the operative word here) I'm an interesting, smart, funny, good looking, curvy (not fat, but not thin) female... but guys never seem into me. There's literally one guy I've ever dated who's seemed sexually interested in me, and that was just friends with benefits.

There's one guy I see regularly who I want to pursue romantically, but every time we meet, I get more and more discouraged. Three months ago, he ended a long-term relationship. He wants someone serious next (and so do I), but, for instance, I saw him tonight and our legs touched under the table, and he jerked away. It's things like this that make me think he wouldn't be receptive if I was like, hey, i'm into you. (I don't mind being rejected, but I mind making a friend uncomfortable to the point where he won't want to hang out with me anymore.) Generally, I think I'm bad at flirting -- I'm very nice and extroverted, but I can't tell if someone wants to date me, and men rarely approach me unless they're gross guys on the street.

I guess what I'm asking is, 1) how do you know you're less attractive than you think you are? and what should you do about it? date guys you're less attracted to? 2) how do you make it obvious to someone you have feelings for them without making it awkward if they reject you? 3) how do you meet people who seem genuinely interested in you if you're someone post-college? I have several guys friends I'd potentially be interested in dating, but I really don't think any of them would be interested in me.

How can I look sexier?

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 21:31:49 -0800

I can't really believe I'm asking this, but: what are some things I can do to look "sexier," in a heteronormative-woman kind of way? I'm pretty happy with my look in general, but sometimes I'd like to make my, uh, intentions a little more obvious.

I'm newly-ish single, and newly-ish in better shape than I've been in years, and want to take advantage of it a little. The difficulties:

I've got short hair. And it is horribly thin and fine, and is at it's healthy best in a short cut, so long hair isn't an option. I've got a great hair stylist, so it's fashionably cut and professionally colored.

I usually wear glasses, but have recently gotten contacts to change things up. I do wear make-up, so I feel like this opens me up to some more dramatic eye make-up options (?).

Also, I'm pretty flat-chested and enjoy it. I'm thrilled to have lost weight and look thin! And I wear cheap, minimal bras, only sometimes! I don't have any bras right now that, uh, accentuate that area. On the plus side, I guess I could also wear something seriously plunging without looking obscene...

I'm generally pretty stylish, though not terribly trendy... as in, I get a lot of compliments from fashion nerds. I don't wear men's clothes, but I trend towards the androgynous and pretty covered up (think Style Odyssey, in fashion-blogger terms). I would rather buy second-hand designer than new Forever 21.

My usual look is a little... cold? And I realize that can be off-putting, at first. Also, I think I'm ok but I'm not really conventionally attractive, so the quirky thing works for me. I'm really not interested in “competing” or being the “hottest” woman in the room or something, that way lies wrecked self-esteem. But, you know, I have dates, too, occasionally. And would like to get more!

Even my own mother, who rarely wears more make-up than mascara, suggested maybe I should dress sluttier (!).

So give me some ideas: Who are some people I can look to for inspiration? What's a good going-to-a-bar outfit that's not, like, a teeny little dress and super high heels? What are some things that suggest “sexy” without being uncomfortable or cheap? Guys, what are some things that turn your head? Give me beauty tips, pictures/people to look at, links to clothes that might work, whatever. I need to get out of my own particular tastes and expand my look a little bit.

I am totally focused on outside appearance here, not so much on the other important things like confidence and happiness.

Anonymous because I'm a little embarrassed to be asking this.

And if it's really just a push-up bra and a too-short skirt, I guess let me know that, too. Sigh.

Oh, and if it's unclear, I'm a straight, cis-gendered woman. 30-ish.