Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with flirting

I don't know how to be gay.

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 13:15:03 -0800

I'm a twenty year old gay woman. For 2010, I want to learn how to flirt with other women. The problems are...

- I fail at making friends with women, but I'm an expert at befriending and flirting with men. All of my friends are, and always have been, men.

- I feel like I'm "lesser" than other women. I feel like I'm this unclean, perverted person because I'm attracted to them - like I'm an impostor and if they knew I found them attractive they'd find me repulsive.

- I'm incredibly shy around women.

Yes, I'm single. I want to change that! I want to learn how to flirt with/attract/ask out other women. I've never been flirted with/asked out by a woman in my life. Help!

I just think that we'd get on.

SkylitDrawl — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 22:09:19 -0800

I haven't had a crush since I was 14 and now I have a HUGE one. I have never had to be the pursuer before, but now I think I need to be. AskMeFi, teach me to flirt and pursue while still keeping me cool!! About a week or so ago, I was studying at a café near my school and I looked up and noticed a cute boy glancing at me. We made eye contact and smiled at each other almost, and I was instantly just…twitterpated. That night, I saw him in one of the dining halls at the university we both attend. I managed to muster all of my courage and go over to introduce myself to him and his friends. They were quite friendly, and I ended up sitting and eating with them. After dinner, we all walked over to the Cute Boy's apartment and hung out awhile. The Cute Boy showed me his music and book collections, and well...let me just say that he listens to all the right music and has all the right books. Plus, he is nerdy and charming and just plain adorable as hell. And...there was nothing I could do, my crush was cemented at that point. At the end of the evening, we all exchanged numbers and all the important social networking websites. I added him and all of his friends on all of these websites and sent him a private Facebook message letting him know upfront that I thought he was kind of great and that I’d like to get to know him better. He responded relatively positively. Since then, we’ve been poking each other on Facebook. When he sees me around, he calls me or runs over for brief chats. We seem to get along pretty well, but I'm unsure of how I am supposed to proceed from here.

I literally haven't had a crush like this since I was 14. All of my relationships have been built on long-term friendships or on a guy pronouncing his interest and asking me out from the very beginning. I've never really asked anyone out. I'm totally smitten for the first time since I was a teenager and it's totally making me act irrationally.

I don't remember crushes being like this. For some reason, I'm nervous around him and that means I put my foot in my mouth kind of a lot. Also, in the hopes of not seeming too obvious, I have been trying to keep busy and avoid spending time obsessing over this. However, suddenly I am noticing that he is everywhere...this means things get kind of awkward. When I see him, I blush and act a little shy and sheepish. That is so not me. I also don't want to be THAT obvious. He's always kind and interesting and responds positively to communication and seems interested in hanging out. But I don't want to put him off, or seem desperate or weird. I mean, it's not like I'm coming at this from the perspective of, "I am in love you with and I think we should marry and I already have the names of our three future children and Jack Russel terrier picked out." I want to make that clear to him in some way. I just know I really want to get to know him. I find myself needing to know MORE about this mysterious, hot person. I definitely want to see where things go (either friendship or dating would be cool, but I don't care either way...I just know I definitely want MORE of him in my life). I know to do that, I need to spend more time talking to him. And I'd like it if I was able to find a clever way to get him alone and talk to him in a non-formal, non-datelike atmosphere (maybe I'll ask him out on a real date later, but we just met a week ago, so I would rather orchestrate a much more casual situation with just the two of us hanging out). I have no idea how to accomplish this.

So, my question is: How do I get this guy alone? Also, how do I flirt when I am so nervous that I can't even touch him on the arm or shoulder? Does anyone have tips on calming down and handling conversation when you like someone SO MUCH that they make you nervous and shy and giggly? I think he's interested in me, at least in a 'let's-hang-out-as-friends' sense. I think he might even be flirting back. Are there ways to tell if he's interested? What do I do? Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated. Sorry if this question is all over the place and weird, I honestly haven't felt this way in at least ten years.

Extroversion or flirting?

Anonymous — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 12:27:11 -0800

How do you tell the difference between someone who's an extrovert and someone who's romantically interested in you? I (male) met a female friend of a male friend visiting my city last winter. After that we talked on line a bunch. (With her initiating a good part of the time.) We met (briefly and not one-on-one) up when I was visiting her city a few months later. There's been some Facebooking in between.

Recently, we chatted on line and she suggested we talk on the phone that week. When we did, at the end of that conversation said we should talk regularly on the phone and suggested a fairly definite schedule.

I'm pretty introverted and in the past I've dated (though not much) people who've either been introverted or explicit about their intentions at the beginning.

I'm having a hard time telling if this is just her extroversion coming through... or if I should take this as a sign of romantic interest. If I had just made a female friend, I would be hesitant to contact them so often for fear that I was sending the message that I was interested, if I wasn't.

Any tips on navigating this introvert extrovert divide would be appreciated.

Some more info:

We're both very close to the friend who introduced us, but they're not romantically envolved (I asked him, in part, because I wanted to be sure I wasn't interfering with a prior romantic pursuit of his by what I was thinking might be her interest in me) and he's not the matchmaking type, so I'm reluctant to put him further in the middle of this...

(This isn't really a question about long-distance relationships, I like the area where she lives, have lived there previously, and may even move there in the next couple of years regardless.)

All the people in this question are in their twenties and out of school, including me, but I'm a couple years older.

Throwaway e-mail: INVEVQM@gmail.com

Men: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's fuck!) Women: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's be friends!)

Eleutherios — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:22:11 -0800

Previously dated men, now wants to date women. Problem: I can't tell when women are interested in me or if they just want to be friends. I seem to be pretty good in picking up on clues that a man is sexually interested in me, women not so much.

I've had scenerios show up over and over with men and women:

-Being stared at in a bar/party/club
-Being told that I'm attractive/sexy
-Being messaged on online dating sites
-Having a friend of their's introduce me ("Hey are you single? If yes, my friend would like to meet you!)
-Someone inviting me over their house to fix dinner for me
-Being grinded on the dance floor

Whenever men show the above behaviors, it almost always leads up to them wanting to pursue a relationship and/or have sex with me. I've always reject those advances, because I'm not sexually attracted to men, eventhough I pretended to be for a while. I was in a few relationships with men, but they were sexless.

Whenever women show the above behaviors I get a different result. Unlike with the guys, I don't show coolness when women act like that around me, I actually turn up the heat. Once I show my attraction, I'm told that they are looking for friendship and not anything more. That's if I'm lucky, there were a few occasions where women just walked away from me.

This has caused me a lot of frustration and confusion, the fact that the very same behaviors has led to very different outcomes, depending on the gender involved. To add to the confusion, whenever I show those above behaviors, I am definately sexually attracted to a woman. I mean, I would never invite a woman over to my house (knowing that we are both lesbians) to cook for her, if I wasn't trying to have sex with her or wanted her to be my girlfriend. It would just be awkward.

I've been told that I think a lot like a guy, so I think this is messing up my perception a bit. For those who date women, regardless of your gender, how do I tell the difference between friendly interest and sexual interest? Please help a woman who's new to this scene.

can't tell if this psychology study exists

sandswipe — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 22:23:28 -0800

I recently read about a study on what body language women use as perceived by men. Essentially, it said that there was no observable difference between a woman trying to flirt with a man and the same woman just being polite for the first four or five minutes of their first conversation together. I'm trying to find out if this actually happened, and if so whether it was a reliable, scientifically done study, but I lost the link right after reading it.

I'd like to hunt you again, my sweet.

Anonymous — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 12:04:22 -0800

I'm in a great longterm relationship - but I miss flirting. I have no desire to flirt with anyone but my guy, except... how do I recreate that feeling of excitement and butterflies that flirting brings? I've always felt that this excitement springs from the subtlety and not-knowing-ness of where it might go. When a relationship is already established, what actions would feel close to that? (Maybe a weird question to ask anonymously, but I'd rather not tie relationship questions to my account, if that's alright.)

Relevant info: mid-twenties for both of us, going on 6 years, heterosexual couple, living together. If that changes any advice!

Severe aversion to flirting

amillionbillion — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 10:36:42 -0800

Help me overcome my fear of flirting. Something in me utterly resists it. Whenever I meet a cute guy, I shut down. I can't meet his eye. I can't bring myself to smile at him, talk to him, even glance in his direction as I walk past. I ignore him even if my innards might be all aflutter. But it doesn't come across as sweet and shy. It comes across as "prickly cold bitch (who probably think she's too good for everyone)." I'm pretty, smart, funny, in my mid-20s - and it's been 4 years since I was asked on a date.

I think it has to do with irrational fear of rejection. I'm terrified that he won't smile back. And since I never put myself out there, I have yet to taste rejection, which just makes me dread it all the more. Every potential encounter becomes fraught, instead of just a casual opportunity for some light playful banter that doesn't have to go anywhere. Other reasons: I'm afraid of opening up / showing vulnerability / being seen as having so little dignity that I would hit on someone (yes...), so I overcompensate by being resolutely unapproachable. I'm painfully aware of how I behave and every time resolve to change. Yet in the moment, I choke and my body goes into automatic "ignore" mode.

Example: I have a crush on an owner of a popular expat cafe in town. I go there at least once a week. The first few times, I could sense his interest. Whenever I caught him looking, I'd snap my head back down. After paying (while coolly ignoring him, though my brain is screaming, "Turn head! Smile! Say hi!"), I stroll out past him. Pretty much as if he didn't exist. A few times he'd smile and try to say something, but something on my face would make his mouth snap shut. A few days ago, he joined a conversation I was having with my friend. The entire time, I alternated between barbed remarks aimed at him (incl remaining stone-faced during his amusing stories), or joking around with my friend. As if I wanted to put him in his place -- "Everyone else might think you're all that, but not me." As if I wanted him to hate me. Tonight, I finally smiled at him, too hugely and jarringly. He grimaced.

The kicker is that I go back to the US in a week. I have NOTHING TO LOSE flirting without expectation, and I STILL can't bring myself to do it.

How can I change my ways ... without hurting my fragile ego too much? (e.g. learning to put out feelers and recognize when a guy is and isn't interested, etc) The date itself would be the easy part. Daring to make the connection that would get me asked on a date is what feels scary and impossible.

I'm handsome, excellent flirt, and women willingly give me their numbers...Now what?

Anonymous — Wed, 27 May 2009 11:29:28 -0800

I'm handsome, excellent flirt, and women willingly give me their numbers...Now what? I suck at picking up women...

I'm an excellent flirt, have enough courage (when I'm liquored up) to approach women, and they usually give me their numbers without asking.

The thing is at the end of the night I ALWAYS freeze in my tracks... I usually get a lot of cues that they are quite interested in me, but I really don't know what to do next...

I won't mind getting some, but I honestly don't know how to proceed from that point.

So few questions:

What to do with numbers: When to contact them and what to say?

Also I'm like a deer in the headlights, I can see that the women becomes more flirty, restless, and frustrated...I am not sure what to do at this point, should I just grab her and go home?

If so, how do I do this delicately, because I've had some women get pissed off at me when I just ask them in an upfront manner.

Also I'm not looking for a relationship, but won't mind some sex now and then.

I really don't understand this mating dance sometimes.

How to Keep Steady?

EatTheWeak — Mon, 25 May 2009 11:43:48 -0800

Please help a fella out with the next stage of his Courtship Reeducation Program: How to stay cool when you can't stay ambivalent? Yup, DatingFilter, your favorite and mine.

A little over a year ago I got fed up with my poor romantic track record and set out to do something about it. The idea was to address the things I felt stood in the way of my having a fulfilling love life and the goal was to sort them out while I was still young.

That meant getting in shape, dressing better, disabusing myself of the impossibly high-pressure "soulmate" theory, curing myself of Nice Guy Syndrome and basically embracing the status of "single" as something that's actually pretty fun and exciting to be. This reeducation program is ongoing and I'm in no rush whatsoever to wind up in a comitted relationship any time soon. However, I have reached something of an impasse, and I was hoping to get the HiveMind's help with getting around it.

See, as a lifelong shy bastard, I recently learned that flirting is a total blast and, in spite of the panic you may initially feel, getting to know a woman usually doesn't put you in any physical danger. When I'm ambivalent about a gal, I have absolutely zero difficulty keeping these facts in mind. If I find a girl kinda cute and interesting, talking with her is super fun and easy.

If she's gorgeous and fascinating, however, it all falls apart. My tongue goes five sizes too big and maintaining eye contact feels like it's gonna blow my head off. That once-omnipresent panicking pressure to be funnyandinterestingandattractive at all times comes back and I feel like I gotta dive for cover. Which is what I usually wind up doing, which is a drag.

I'd like to make unraveling this malfunction my summer project. I've gotten pretty good at staying cool when talking and flirting with women I'm ambivalent about; how do I do this when a gal's really rung my bell? Mild attraction is no longer terrifying, but I've still got this situation going where, the more my type a woman is, the less likely I am to talk to her. The surest sign I really dig a girl is that I never say a word to her, and that's a trend I'd like to reverse.

No Casanova am I

Busy Old Fool — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 07:12:03 -0800

What is the appropriate flirty answer to "Do you believe in fate?" Many moons ago, I was on a date (first or second, depending on counting schemata) and, as we stood on a hill watching the lights of the city, the young lady in question asked me "Do you believe in fate?"

I blanked, then said something so literal and inconsequential that my memory has mercifully erased it and, a little later, we wandered back down the path.

A date or two later I kissed her already, we spent a month or two as a not-quite couple and then parted amicably, so no worries there. However, I still can't for the life of me think what I should have said. It couldn't have been too forward, as I hadn't yet had any clear signs that a smooch was wanted, but on the other hand I feel this was an unambiguous invitation to say something leading or otherwise seductive. (I know I should have asked her when we were together, but we've since lost touch.)

So... what would have been a perfect response? Short, long, funny, romantic, sexy, show me how it's done!

How to stop married man from flirting when it's reciprocal

Anonymous — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:08:01 -0800

How to stop married man from flirting when it's reciprocal? I'm a notoriously bad crusher. Even though almost everyone would describe me as a competent, sensible, self-assured and promising young woman, I completely loose myself when someone breaks through to my inner core. It's not that it happens all the time either, but when it does it's with a vengeance. I would definitely describe it as a 'crushing' sensation. Particularly this time, of course, because it's an impossible crush, as he's married with kids. Made worse by the fact that I think I even like him for all the right reasons: he's a nice guy, down-to-earth, straightforward, considerate, well-spoken, same career path etc. Made muchmuchmuch worse by the fact that the attraction seems to be mutual (there's been some pretty classic signs, complete with unusually long eye contact, teasing, finding excuses to be really close, nervousness, blushing...you name it). In fact, while he is respectful about it, he is the more obvious of the two of us. So this fact makes it all the more pertinent that I stop this thing in its tracks. But the willpower it takes to NOT look at him when I know he's looking at me, etc. is harder than I thought it might be (because it's just so great when your crush likes you back!) AND, I feel like it would be cold to just ignore him entirely. So how do I manage this? He's a coworker; I don't see him that often but when I do I hate myself. A lot. I know that it's wrong, and I definitely don't need advice on why seducing a married man is a bad idea. But I need to regain control of myself ASAP.

A question for (straight) women about varieties of casual eye contact with semi-strange men

Anonymous — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:30:28 -0800

A question, especially for straight women, about varieties of casual eye contact with semi-strange men: At campus, a large workplace or other site with lots of people you see fairly often, most of whom you don't end up acquainting with, to what extent do subtle (or less subtle) differences in how men make passing eye contact affect your impression of them?

I'm not necessarily even talking about overt flirting here, but rather of being at all approachable in the first place, particularly to women who might understandably be wary of drawing attention from men who they don't know but are going to have to see every day, even if they, upon first hint of a smile, turn out to be awkward creeps (disclaimer: I've at least been one).

I do, occasionally, make such unspoken friendly connections with strange women, and then it's a lot more fun and easy to actually flirt and chat up than it is without, even when there otherwise is obvious mutual physical attraction. However, I have hardly a clue of why this happens at times, and doesn't at others. I want to know a) if it really is a matter of variations in eye contact (what else could it be?) and b) if it is, what exactly are the details that make the difference!

Thanks a bunch, I know you'll make my day :)

romance fire extinguisher

theobromine_ady — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:44:27 -0800

I am a romance sparks fire extinguisher. HELP! (and dear gods did this one get out-of-control long) Again it seems I can douse what appears to be even the hottest sparks of romance directed towards me without any effort whatsoever.
I am a fire extinguisher.

I am a college teacher and found out recently, at the end of a long (7 months) program, from a student (to whom I had been very attracted but would never have pursued) that he has been attracted to me since the very beginning of the program last summer.
It was in my office, after turning in a final project, that the flirting which was always coming from him (and deflected consciously by me: hugs, class outings, etc. I never accepted) amped up and was unmistakable.
We began regular communication that started out without intention, turned to discussion of high standards (we share them), expectations, singleness and even politics (we are polar opposites).
He is younger but very mature with excellent ethics and a lot of integrity. I am younger than my calendar years in both attitude and appearance (not childish but youthful if you'll allow a difference).
He said to me, "I certainly don't see any reason why I wouldn't have a chance with you."
well I didn't see any reason either and suggested that the only way he would know would be to take one.
I went out of town the next weekend for a conference and the flirtexting began. It got flirtier and flirtier. There were also phone conversations as the next weeks progressed but they weren't nearly as flirty as the texts. There was no question that this would be leading to something.
Oh, we discussed at length that this wasn't going to be a jump-in-the-sack kind of progression. His attitude towards the in-the-same-room behavior was chivalrous and unexpected.
This guy surprised me at every turn.

We tried for a couple of weeks to go out but either he got called into work (overnights) or something happened in my schedule. But it wasn't a deterrent, just an exercise in patience.

So, I pull the pin.

A most heinous event happened at work. A literal bomb was placed in my hand which involved CYFD, police reports, rifts in the office, total distrust of coworkers (it was/is BAD). On one of the nights following a very, very painful day I got a text, a flirty one, that was inviting. I said it was a crappy day, he said "come over". Asked him to please not tempt me, that I was closer to him than home and he threw in the "I dare you", it was funny. The phone conversation that followed resulted in a pre-planned PG-rated slumber party of "movie and bed". I told him I was out of sorts, not myself and would only be using him for distractions. He said he was happy to take the job.

I went.

What happened was just that; a PG-rated slumber party. There was kissing (the first), spooning and snuggling and some mild petting. No pressure, no awkwardness, it was exactly what I needed and there seemed no reason the track would change.

After this the speed went from 60 to zero.
There was texting, phone conversations but little to no flirting.

I aimed low and swept side-to-side making sure the flames were all out. Apparently.

Then the texts were days between.
Then after a couple weeks of this the texts started coming at strange times (4 am "can't sleep") and getting flirty again but stopping short of really flirty.

We have had many phone conversations on the professional front. I am the link to registration and the next progression in his education.
I am not and will not again be his teacher but he will be working closely with my department and may end up doing teaching hours in my classes.
All conversations are easy, comfortable and sometimes a little flirty.
Never again has there been any attempt to get together.

We have been together in the office and in public and my friends have all commented on the heavy sparks, charged interactions, sneaky looks (on his part), sparkly winks from accross the rooms etc.
Clearly, to these observers the sparks are still burning.

So, 1st I will admit that the night of the slumber party was me at an all-time emotional low. I wasn't crying or clingy or even talking about it. I was quieter than usual, he commented. But it was really late and past both of our bedtimes and the plan was just to go to sleep.

2nd I will admit that the idea of spending time, flirty dating & yes, sex, time with this man was/is very exciting and I probably turned into an insane, leach-chick who might as well have put a sign in his yard that said "ask me out! ask me out! I'll say yes! I'll say yes!"
But I don't know because no one else was watching me.
And honestly I'm not exactly sure how I was doing this if I was at all.
I'm not very good at the "sit back and wait for him to contact you" game and probably initiated more texts and calls than I should have but I really wasn't a maniac. It was just no secret that I would certainly continue this whatever-it-is.

So when I do ignore him, he does text.
I saw him a couple of days ago at a big event. I was the picture of cool and casual, looked cute/sexy but not slutty, didn't look for him at all. He found me with a surprise flying from behind hug, winks, sneaky looks after that, met my friends (and was very shy with them) and the review was, again, sparks for sure.

so: (if you're still here)
theory 1: I totally doused the flames with my super hero strength fire extinguisher and ruined everything.

theory 2: Because he is returning to the program at school he is backing off again to avoid any conflict there.

theory 3: I have more "merit badges" in our field and he is intimidated or feels unworthy and so is backing off.

theory 4: He is not actually interested in dating a smart, sexy older woman like maybe he thought he was. (okay, 14 years but we have never discussed it and he has never, ever asked how old I am and seriously no one ever guesses within even 8 years.)

I think it's 1 & 2.
girlfriends/observers think it's all 2 & 3

so your help:
I am backed off. Will not initiate contact. Will continue to be the jolly, witty, flirty woman I am with him when we have contact. Will continue to be professional in the office. Will NOT send mutual friends on info-hunts or nudge-nudge assignments. Will NOT do voodoo or love magic.
Will, however, hope madly that there is still a chance that this will become the casual, sexy, flirty affair it started out to be.

Is there hope?
Do men just turn it all off that fast and that completely?

Oh, he is not dating anyone, has not hooked up with anyone and remains, in his words, "as single as can be" so theory 5: he met someone else, is not an option.

okay, let me have it :)

if you are still reading I apologize for my 10 pt vomiting and no, I do not talk this incessantly in person.

Teach a socially-slow guy how to get from "flirting" to "hooking up."

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:09:40 -0800

Teach-a-Martian-to-socialize-filter: moving from flirting to "hey, come back to my place." So there was a party last week, a big one at a friend's house back in the city I went to college in. I - a 20something, just-graduated male - was flirting with a girl. Eventually the girl left with her friends. The hostess, a good friend of mine from college, IMed me this morning and mentioned that the girl was confused and annoyed that I didn't actually hook up with her. And I realized, as she said this, that I have no idea what I should have done, because I wanted to make a move at the time, but didn't know what a move would look like.

Now, I won't be seeing this girl again any time soon as she lives Far Away; it was just an encounter that made me realize I have a problem. I'm a relatively late-socially-blooming nerd, and while I have no problem engaging in light flirtation, and I long ago learned how to ask girls out, I have no clue how to specifically move from a state of "I think we might be kinda into each other" into "hey, let's go hook up." Obviously people vary, but I have no idea what the 'standards' are here, or how it could be reasonably approached. I guess I'm looking for is the hookup equivalent of what "hey, what are you doing on Saturday?" or "Do you want to grab coffee sometime?" are for dating, eg, ways to progress from a general interest to a more explicit "Let's take action based on this interest." I may or may not also be missing a skillset for taking light flirtiness and adding a more sexual edge to it; my formative years were around people who were a lot more socially conservative than I am, who - for example - treated guys touching girls during flirtation as crude and universally rude; years later I'm discovering that there obviously are times and situations when it's perfectly acceptable. Tips on making my flirting-game a little more direct would also be useful, so I can better establish whether there is interest.

To clarify a couple of points: Yes, I'm also a bit annoyed that the girl in question didn't make a move herself if she wanted it; for the sake of this question please ignore that fact. I should be able to make moves myself, regardless of her willingness to. Also, please no "do you really want to do this," I've had my share of extra-relationship hookups, but always with friends or exes; never with someone I've just met at a bar, or party, and am hitting it off with. I'm basically looking to fill in a gap in my social skills; I feel like a guy who owns a toolbox, and has it pretty well-stocked, and then somebody says "Dear god, you walked by all those nails, why didn't you hammer them in?" and he realizes he doesn't even own a hammer. Or something.

My locally-available friends are no good for this as 'models' for me: not many are single, and of those who are, most are relatively homebodyish types who don't care for parties or the like. I'd also rather not go asking them directly; I'm redfaced enough over this to hide my identity from some Internet Strangers.

Did my girlfriend cheat on me, or am I thinking too much?

aussie_in_NY — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 16:42:24 -0800

I discovered my girlfriend recently went to the apartment of an ex lover to "hang out". Did she cheat on me? OK, so I have been dating a girl seriously for three months now. Everything has been great. Amazing sex, lots in common, and we are spending a huge amount of time together.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked her out on a Friday night. She said she was busy that night, as she was meeting up with Friend X (a guy). Now, Friend X is a guy she has mentioned several times before, and happens to come from the same country as me. She has never offered to introduce Friend X. Anyway, late on that Friday night I call her to check up and she tells me she is drinking with Friend X in his apartment. It is obvious she has had a few drinks by this point. An hour or so later she gets in a cab and we later have a discussion. She says she is sorry for "causing a misunderstanding" and that the guy is just an old friend.

Days later, she leaves my apartment with her email account open on my computer. I notice several emails from this guy. (please, no admonitions about breaking her trust by reading her email.) From previous emails it is clear that until not long before meeting me she was in a fairly passionate sexual relationship with this guy. But was deeply unhappy because he would not commit.

Now here's the thing. I have no reason to suspect she has met this guy at all since we started dating, apart from that one night. And I don't think she has met him again since then. She appears totally happy with our relationship and I have no reason to doubt that.

But should I be worried? Could this have just been an innocent meeting to gain some closure before moving on with me? Am I right to be suspicious that she had to go to his apartment to do this? I am particularly interested to hear any girls' opinions on this aspect of it.

Help me find a few-years-old essay about flirting

ictow — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 09:12:48 -0800

Help me find an article/essay/blog entry I read 2 or 3 years ago about how obvious flirting is and always will be. What I remember is an analogy that compared someone trying to flirt to a very tall asian man, wearing a white tracksuit and carrying a boombox, walking into a quiet store. Both are conspicuous.

It's quite possible that most of this description is off, but that was the general gist. Do I plan on feeling awful if it turns out there's no mention of him being asian? Yes, yes I do, which is why I have to find this.

explain to me this... mojo.

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 09:55:29 -0800

Please explain the basic principles of flirting to me as if I were an alien who had recently landed on Earth trying to describe the phenomenon for my anthropological records or something. Because advice that seems to make sense to everyone else on such matters is completely lost on me (e.g. "be confident" -- but how?).

I'm a 24-year-old straight male, living in new york city, I'm successful, bright, reasonably attractive, and I have scads of friends, but my romantic history is laughably abbreviated.

I don't know how to read non-verbal communication, I don't know what to say (or, indeed, what not to say) to a girl to indicate I'm interested, nor how to steer a conversation towards a situation that might lead to make-outs. Or at least a phone number.

It is impossible to dumb down your explanation too much. Really.

Oh boy. What have I done now.

dentata — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 01:09:31 -0800

[Relationshipfilter] Has "cheating" ever been a crucible for your relationship? Background: I live with my girlfriend of a little over 3 years. We've been having the marriage talk for a long time, and I've been dragging my feet. Recently, though, the prospect of it hasn't seemed so bad, as it's been getting harder and harder for me to imagine my life without her. More and more I appreciate our relationship.

That said, the amplitude of marry/not marry has been increasing as time and pressure moves on, not smoothing out to a specific outcome. Our sex life hasn't been great, I'm not as attracted to her due to the significant weight she's gained since the start of our relationship, and we're both busy. I'm 29, she's nearly 30.

I'm away on business this week, performing in a different city. Being a fairly gregarious person, I usually meet people when I'm away, and, as has happened before, I've had opportunities to stray. Now, normally, these things are just drunken flirtations that result in a good "hmm, nice to know i've still got it" feeling the next day.

On this trip, however, networking turned to flirtation, and I met a girl who, for some reason, lit me up. While I passed on my opportunity to score (though later changed my mind, ended up in the hotel of the girl, but decided that the missed text messages for a liaison meant it wasn't meant to be), the next day I'm filled with real questions about my relationship. Guilt, frustration, etc. All the negatives of cheating without any carnal satisfaction.

So, now, understandably, I'm quite confused. What do you think? "Normal" male apprehension about commitment, or serious signs of relationship troubles?

Normal caveats: yes, I realize that none of you know much about me, and you're a bunch of internet strangers, but I'm trying to gain new insights into this situation, so I'd rather not get into a diatribe about the false accountability and privivacationality of the internets.

I'm happy to go into more detail about specifics about background if it helps you.

Addressing a girl as 'fair'. Flirting or just a figure of speech?

Emilyisnow — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 05:17:09 -0800

Addressing a girl as 'fair'. Flirting or just a figure of speech? A new-ish male friend of mine just addressed me as 'fair' in an email. (Not like I'm blonde, more like 'Hello fair emilyisnow, blah blah blah, let's meet up for coffee'.) I was a little taken by surprise. I seem to remember my ex-boyfriend did this before we started dating too, and it struck me as really flirty then as well. I'm wondering if it's one of those universal flirt indicator words or whether I'm just a wordy person and thinking about this too much. Boys, would you use this word with a girl you considered just a friend? Girls, would you interpret it as I have?

(I'm more interested in this in a general sense, but perhaps I should point out that in this particular scenario, I really *hope* it is just a turn-of-phrase, as this particular boy has a girlfriend, quite apart from the fact that I just don't like him *that* way).

Dating a "seperating" co-worker? WTF?

DetonatedManiac — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 21:33:47 -0800

RelationshipFilter & BizarreSituationFilter: Turns out this Co-worker I have been flirting with seems to like me BUT is going through a separation (thinking about divorce). She is in a delicate situation and I have no experience with this level of (possible) relationship. Should I proceed? How? THERE IS MUCH MORE. Note: This is long, partly because I don't know what is relevant in a situation like this and partly because it helps me to sort this out to write it out completely. If you feel you know the situation from the teaser please skip to answer, but do check out the "blows my mind" section, it's kinda important.

Preface about myself: Young-ish 20 something guy, very little (almost no) dating/relationship experience (all of it basically in High School).

Started working at this job about 2 months ago. Really like the job. Possible pitfalls of navigating an office relationship is a big concern of mine if things continue to build. It is a smaller company of about 50 people in a typical office setting.

This co-worker is about 5 years older than me. She had been friendly (as everyone was) when I started but the last few weeks she started talking to me more frequently (which was weird since she is in a totally different department and job-wise we don't interact at all).

I started to suspect she was flirting with me last week when both of us stayed late (I had to lock-up and she was working on a project) and we struck up a long-ish conversation. I got the impression she wanted me to ask her to dinner, which I did in a round-about way, but then she hesitated and said basically "some other time". I figured I was just getting mixed signals or misinterpreting friendliness for something more.

We had some "lite flirting" this week, no big deal, but then tonight I was locking up and she was working on something and again she started to chat with me, which I pointedly stayed and made myself available to be talked to. We talked about a few things but quickly it turned to her personal situation (which was all her; I said as clearly and politely as I could that I don't want to pry but she insisted she didn't mind and indeed wanted to talk about it).

Turns out that she is one year into a separation and not sure if she wants to go through with a divorce (indeed she had been to see a lawyer to discuss that earlier today). She said this by way of explaining how she feels "conflicted lately" and "does not know what she wants" and "is unsure what to do", which I think she clearly meant as explanation for the mixed signals (which I totally understand).

She said "it was a long story", to which I said "I like long stories (but only if you are comfortable telling it)" to which she went on to discuss her whirlwind courtship, marriage and gradual growing apart from her (possibly soon to be Ex?) Husband.

HERE IS WHERE IT TOTALLY BLOWS MY F***ING MIND.

Turns out her husband has recently been diagnosed Bi-polar, and his erratic behavior (lots of debt, legal troubles (some serious), wild mood swings) is part of what made them grow apart. Now, he has been diagnosed and has had at least one "delusional" (which I take to be manic) episode, but refuses to be medicated.

At the same time, the wild behavior, sense of adventure and "being outside the box" and "breaking the rules" is what drew her to him in the first place (she is a very artistic, open minded type, which I totally like). And she has lots of fond memories of exciting travels and adventures with him.

HERE IS WHAT BLOWS MY MIND:

I too am Bipolar (Bipolar I, probably the same type as him from the description).

I had my time of being off meds and seeing where it leads, but for the last 3 years I have been totally dedicated to my meds and a solid support structure. I won't say I have my shit totally together (c'mon i'm in my early 20s and spent 2 years of my late teens in unmediated craziness!!) but I have NEVER been in anything even approaching legal or financial troubles, let alone the serious trouble he is in.

BUT, I know I am biased in this situation, so when she basically asks me for advice I try to be as non-pushy as possible, when what I really want to say is "run away from this guy, if he doesn't care enough about himself to help himself there is no way in HELL you can save him! He will just bring you down with him" The legal troubles, the financial troubles, all of it sound like a mess.

I did try to give her insight into bipolar (without acknowledging that I too have it) by talking about family members who have both been Psychiatric Nurses and the fact that I have read the DSM multiple times (which all happens to be true). I explained the typically degenerative nature of untreated bi-polar and other things to help give her context about it... And perhaps I did push a little--simply because the more I heard about this guy the more he sounded like a powder keg ready to explode.

Anyway... we talked about some lighter topics and then agreed we should go to lunch some time (maybe a dinner next week?).

SO now I am here digesting all of this and I don't know what to think.

No one in this state (aside from family and my medical advisers) knows that I have bipolar. I'd like to keep it that way. I really don't want to tell her (not for a LONG time) but if something happens here (big if) then I feel sorta obligated to let her know what she is getting into sooner rather than later. I don't know how early is too early and how late is unethically deceptive.

But that presupposes the answer to the most important question: Should I even proceed or encourage this, whatever happens, given the situation? I really like her... but this is just... weird.

What should I do?

Chatting up the grocer

ruemonkey — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 15:21:39 -0800

I have a crush on the night clerk at my local grocery store. How do I let him know I find him intriguing without coming off all stalkerish? I've been divorced for two years now, and this is the first guy who's caught my attention at all. (I was married for 10 years, so the recovery process has been slow.) I don't know much about him, other than he seems nice, he has no ring, and I'd like to find out more. But I never see him anywhere other than in the checkout line, where's he's paid to be friendly to everyone. So how do I show my interest in a non-threatening way? I just moved to this very small town, and I'd rather not make an ass of myself for at least another couple months.

I'd love any advice, but especially from anyone who's experienced something similar from either side of the counter.

Please don't flirt with me!

puckish — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 09:46:31 -0800

How to maintain self-respect without trashing a friend? I have a friend who comes to visit on occasion. I've known him for a long time (since high school) and while we've never been particularly close, he's very cool and easy-going, and I like hanging out with him well enough. Lately, though, he's been REALLY OBVIOUSLY hitting on me in a way I don't appreciate. He has dated / been attached to previous friends of mine, and these relationships haven't really worked out for him. I feel like he's effectively using me as a replacement for these other girls.

This is obviously not particularly flattering, and often quite awkward for me (I don't like being referred to as "sexy" or "beautiful" when I'm clearly not flirting back). At the same time, it's largely innocuous - he's a nice guy, mostly harmless, and really interesting to talk to when he's not being kind of a jerk about this. What I'd really like to do, of course, is be able to hang out with him without the song and dance --- just talk like normal people, be friendly, and hang out without having to navigate this (unreciprocated) sexual tension.

I know the easiest solution is just to avoid him. But you know, people are mostly good and I think deserve the benefit of doubt -- or at least, tolerance of minor flaws. Also, I don't see him so often that I feel like this is really a problem (it's mostly just an annoyance).

Still, it's something i'd like to fix.

Any thoughts on how to best approach this?

Do I flirt like it's 1955? (long explanation inside).

themaskedwonder — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 07:42:46 -0800

MeFites, I have a bit of a problem. I'm a twenty-year-old heterosexual college female with, it seems, a nerd problem. I have never dated or kissed anyone in my life, and I'm starting to wonder if it's my personality that's the issue. My lack of sexual experience used to completely effect my self-esteem. In high school, I absolutely hated myself - the way I looked, the way I talked - and to be honest, I'm still in the process of acquiring some self-esteem via exercising, working on projects, etc. I thought I was making pretty good progress until BAM! this summer, when I met the most perfect boy in the universe.

He was funny, he was smart, he was politically aware, he was sarcastic - and he was nerdy! Nerdy, although not a trace of social awkwardness existed in his body, so everyone loved him. He was absolutely adorable, and I was crushing hard. But I gathered up courage and made the effort. We had similar tastes and interests in music, movies, and television, and we often traded mp3s and recommendations (I, in my naivete, believed this to be "flirting.") I dressed better. I wore makeup. Everything was sarcastic and ironic and amazing; I felt like I was finally in. (Believe me, this was the most sustained interaction with a crush I'd had in years).

Towards the end of the summer I was beginning to realize that his feelings weren't reciprocated, and bummed though I was, it's not like it was unusual for me, so I decided to let it go.

Enter a girl I'll call Susan. Susan is a friend I recently met, and she's my complete opposite. She's beautiful, popular, and she lives to party, drink, and have sex. Let's just say when it comes to books and feminism and movies and music, she's not all too interested; she prefers social interaction. She had seven ex-boyfriends to my zero - and we were the same age. I was jealous of her the entire summer.

Susan had an interesting formula: she was quiet and giggly and conservative by day, and a hardcore drinker and partier by night. It seemed to me that she had the madonna/whore thing down to a "T." (On the other hand, I was always loud and sarcastic with my opinions, especially around this guy - I thought he'd appreciate my intelligence, I guess?)It was genius. I found out just a couple of weeks ago that the two of them drunkenly made out, had sex, and are now dating. (This all happened in the span of about a week).

I was absolutely devastated, if only because he picked a girl that was completely opposite from me (and, I thought) him. I followed him around the entire summer like an idiot, and she spent the whole summer hooking up with some other guy and then going in for the kill with the guy I liked (she knew this, by the way) in only the last few weeks.

My question is: I'm obsessed with books, feminism, and pop culture - but is it scaring the mens away? Should I ditch the nerdy for the sexy, or find a way to mix them up somehow? I thought flirting was conversations about indie bands, for crying out loud, but now I feel like that's what 12 year olds do. I try to flirt with my brain too much, I guess. In 2008, how do young people flirt? And how can I learn (preferably without awkward hookup sex - although alcohol I can stomach)?

Flirting Machine

PFL — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:53:58 -0800

Should I worry about flirting too much? I'm a relentless flirt. I really like meeting new girls, flirting with them, etc. but have no interest in having any kind of serious relationship at this point in my life (I'm 26 and male.. most of these girls are in a similar age bracket, FWIW).

I'll go on a date every now and again, but I'm always clear with them that I'm not looking for anything serious. I had a conversation with my roommate the other day, and he said that he thought I flirt too much because I have no intention of having any serious relationship with any of these girls and that I shouldn't lead them on.

I tend to think it doesn't really matter; any time I wind up going on a date or hanging out with a girl one-on-one I make a point to let them know I don't want anything serious. Besides, it seems lame to assume that every girl who flirts back or shows any interest would be crushed that I don't want her to be my girlfriend.

I should also note that one reason I don't want a relationship right now is so I can learn to be more social and get better at meeting people I don't know. I had a lot of social anxieties in the past and I'm really working hard to overcome them, but I'll also admit that part of the reason I flirt so much is because I like the attention. I don't really feel like I'm doing anything wrong or being unfair to people but I'd like everybody else's opinion.

So what do you think? Hold back or flirt like a madman?

How can I remember to smile more?

incandescentman — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 09:35:42 -0800

How can I remember to smile more? People always tell me I need to smile more—and they're right. Strangers often mistakenly think I'm very serious or even cold, and I'm sure it has to do with not smiling enough. Around my good friends I don't have this problem, since they're constantly cracking me up.

So I need to smile more, especially around new people. But the question is, how can I remember to do it in medias res? There are so many things I want to remember—stand up straight, don't have my hands in my pockets, speak clearly. With all these things to do, how can I remember them all?