Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with first

What should my son's first computer be?

emjaybee — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 12:41:00 -0800

What should my son's first computer be? Or rather, should it be a computer at all?

He's four, and expressing an interest in playing online Sesame Street games, etc. on our computers, but he's a little rough on things and I have no desire to have ours trashed. Plus my Mac mouse makes things hard, the whole no-obvious-button to click is confusing.

Should we get some of those semi-computer toys that you see in stores, and if so, any recommendations? Or start with a gaming system, even? (we don't have one). I want him to learn keyboard, mouse, monitor, etc. He doesn't read yet, just recognizes letters and numbers. Not wanting to blow big bucks.

Any suggestions?

Is he friendly? Interested? Teasing?

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 21:30:53 -0800

Angsty-crush filter: Should I do something like make a move on this guy? If not, how can I get this out of my mind and get back to my own life? OK, I'll try to keep this short. Please bear with me -- I've scoured similar previous posts but of course nothing with facts close enough.

We're both 26; I'm a girl and he's a guy. We met at a pub through a mutual friend. Since then, we've seen each other frequently at the local, always with friends. We chat online frequently and have been out on our own twice. When we talk, it's about everything and (I think) the conversation indicates a great connection. When we drink, we get funny and talk about TMI-sexcapades and shitty childhoods. The first time we went out, we talked from dinner until the pub closed around us. Last time we went out, we went back to his place and chatted / hung out until 2 in the morning....but no move was made. By either of us.

Does he like me? (I KNOW you can't really answer that here, but it's like I need to ponder out loud.) Perhaps you can answer:
1. How can I test his interest and feel my way? He's said stuff before about thinking women should take more initiative -- I'm not at all opposed to making a clear move as long as I'm not rebuffed with, "I didn't mean YOU!"
2. If you think I should go for it, can you explain how you (a female) made a successful first move?
3. Can you (a male) describe when a girl's first move went really well for you?

And if you think he's not into me (I mean, he could just be really friendly -- he's a compassionate soup kitchen volunteer, swoon), then please tell me how to quit acting like I'm 13 and get back to work!

Low starting salary?

moiraine — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 03:58:40 -0800

Recent MSc graduate offered low starting salary. Now what? I just graduated with a Masters in a science field whose degrees are very much sought after this year. I was offered a really nice job in this company that I would like to work for, however, the starting salary is about 10-20% lower than what it would be in other companies. That being said, I am grateful for any job. There was a real crunch in the industry a couple of months ago, where employers were heavily cutting back on their budgets and hence not recruiting then.

Are my expectations too high for an entry-level job? Or should I try to negotiate for more? If so, how would I do so? Keep in mind that I am in a science and technology field where people with my degree are very, very heavily in demand. I got several other interviews lined up -- only, the starting date for these jobs are a year from now, and I can't wait that long without a proper job (I have student debts to pay).

Another caveat: While this company pays a low starting salary, bonuses are fairly generous, and there are a lot of perks like business-class travel only (while most other companies allow entry-level employees to only fly economy class).

Tagged out before I get to third.

chrisfromthelc — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 10:30:14 -0800

I can't seem to ever get to the third date. I searched, and came across this post, and it pretty much sums up my exact experience these days. Except that I'm a guy and not a girl.

I've recently gone out with a few different girls. First dates always seem to go well, second dates seem to go (at least, in MY mind) a little better. I've always made sure to communicate (assuming that I do) that I would like to see her again, and soon. When it comes time for #3, well, #3 never comes. I call in an attempt to set something up, and never get a response. Not even the "let's be friends" schtick.

Some of these girls are ones I've met from various dating sites, but recently, they've been friends of friends who were highly recommended, so I'm not completely sure the out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing applies. Or, maybe it does. I just don't know.

Does anyone have any ideas?

buying home - pay for unused existing fuel?

SirStan — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 15:37:42 -0800

First time homebuyer - "its customary to purchase the unused fuel from the seller" urf? I am 2 months into purchasing a home; jumped numerous hurdles; and finally tomorrow am hopefully signing 30 years away.

The Realtor sprung this jem on me today -- they said "it is customary for the buyer to purchase the fuel oil that is present from the seller".

I am buying from the same Realtor that is selling the place -- but my purchase and sale does not mention the fuel oil.

So my friends -- what gives?

i know there "are no rules" but what are the rules?

violetk — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 15:36:53 -0800

guys, how long do you wait before you call for a second date? cause i know that we all claim not to play games, and yet, people play games. some of you may know a little of my history here on askme: mostly dating questions bc that's pretty much the one thing in my life i find completely perplexing, despite having spent most of my life doing it. i feel like at my age, i shouldn't even have to ask this question but here i am, asking this question.…so i recently started dating again after taking a break last fall. had a few meh dates and then last thursday, a date with a guy i met online that became one of my all time best first dates. couple of emails which were fine, and then a lot of texting—and the banter was great so i think we were both pretty excited about meeting each other (he even postponed something to go out with me on the one night that week i could). we originally just planned to do drinks but that went so well that we ended up getting dinner and dessert as well. conversation flowed, and again, the banter was great. no awkward pauses, same humor, many things in common, similar careers and aesthetics, the whole nine. no red flags, he just seems solid: he's nice, attentive, close with his family, and totally hot.

after dessert, we went back to his place and hung out a bit and, not surprisingly ended up making out. best. kisser. ever. and i do not throw that title around easily. he tried to take it further but when he realized it wasn't going to happen made a joke about having had to try anyway, and didn't push again despite our continuing to kiss. anyway, it was super late, and a school night, and i was tired so we decided i'd stay over and he'd take me back in the morning. more kissing, lots of snuggling (i'm a bit of a squirrely sleeper but every time i turned over, he would too so he could still cuddle me). a few times during the night, one of us just wakes up a bit and we smooch again and then go back to sleep. everything is fabulous.

except…i haven't heard from him since. what gives? am i, as i famously am, just being too impatient? all my girl friends are throwing out the 3-day rule and telling me to now forget about him, he's dead to them. but my guy friends are telling me that if he just wanted to get into my pants, he'd already have called to set up another encounter but if he really liked me, he'd wait about a week before calling again—"to build the suspense—and it works every time."

what? please, mefites (scody, you are so wise…), reassure me or slap some sense into me. i give really good date, but it's the in-between stuff that makes me crazy.

(ps: don't know if this makes a difference but he's a couple of years older than me [late 30s], divorced a year [been together ten, married three, still friendly with the ex]) but i think he's been dating for about six months now?)

First-time home buyer seeks help making a good investment

mintchip — Fri, 22 May 2009 19:08:57 -0800

First-time home buyer seeks help making a good investment I am interested in purchasing a short sale property. I am a first time home buyer. I'm hoping to buy an undervalued condo, live there for a few years to build equity, and hopefully trade up in a few years if (when?) prices begin to bounce back. The places I've been looking at would cost approximately the same or slightly less than renting the same type of unit...so my hope is that this is a low-risk proposition since I need somewhere to live anyway.

I am just learning about all of this so I have a lot of questions.

1. How can I tell if a property is undervalued? For example, I recently saw one that sold only a few years ago for approximately twice what I could get it for now. Assuming the inspection is clear, can I reasonably conclude that this short-sale property is undervalued?

2. What do I need to know about purchasing a short sale property? If they are a good value, why aren't more people buying them?

3. How much does the "assessed value" tell you? For example, I looked at one property that will sell for $150k less than last year's assessed value versus one that's only $35k less than the assessed value. In other words, if the sale price is close to the assessed value, am I less likely to make a profit upon resale?

4. I have substantial fixed-rate student loan debt. I can lower my monthly payments by consolidating over a longer repayment term (25 years). However, this will cost me more interest in the long run. What would make a bank look upon me more favorably--lower monthly payments or my attempt to pay it off faster?

5. What are the best resources to learn what I need to know?

Which albums sequence their best song in the middle of a side?

Joe Beese — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 09:06:55 -0800

Which albums sequence their best song in the middle of a side? By "best", I mean "its biggest hit" or "the one most people associate with the album". Using Who's Next as an example: "Won't Get Fooled Again" or perhaps "Baba O'Riley" - even though I prefer "Bargain" to both of them.

Likewise: "Dancing in the Dark" was the first single from Born in the U.S.A. - but it's not what people remember the record for now.

A perfect example would be "Jessie's Girl" appearing as track 2 on Working Class Dog.

Recipe for truly succulent, traditional Jewish brisket?

roxie110 — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 19:01:41 -0800

How do you make truly tender, succulent Jewish-style brisket? I've had a craving for brisket-like-my-grandmother-used-to-make for about a year now. I finally got the meat and my mother's recipe and cooked it today. The taste is great and the thin end of the meat turned out close to what I was hoping for; the thick end is cooked through but not moist and falling apart like brisket in my world should be, and when I stick a fork in it gives a lot of resistance. I don't know if I over- or undercooked it. I should mention that my "dutch oven" (really a stockpot) was too narrow so I used a Calphalon deep covered 13" nonstick skillet instead--maybe a big mistake? I am such a brisket novice.

Below is a quick recap of how I cooked it. I've looked up a ton of recipes but each one is slightly different, and life's too short to try every one. My question is this: who has a foolproof (mostly) recipe for truly tender, traditional Jewish brisket!? And just as important, how do you know how long to cook it and when it's done? (Can you overcook a brisket, as long as there's still liquid in the pan?)

Recipe I used for half a first-cut brisket, about 3 pounds, fat trimmed:
Preheat oven to 350. Place thickly sliced onions, carrots, and a couple chopped garlic cloves in bottom of Dutch oven. Rub ketchup, ground pepper, paprika, and one envelope onion soup mix on all surfaces of brisket. Add liquid to 3/4 inches deep (I used 1.5 cans low-sodium beef broth; most of liquid was absorbed by the end of cooking). Place chunks of potato around meat. Cover tightly and roast for 2.5 hours. Baste two or three times during cooking. Remove from heat, cool meat, and slice across the grain.

Help! And thank you!

Let's get philatelical

miss lynnster — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 13:22:31 -0800

About ten years ago I picked up an amazing collection of 114 (mint condition, plastic-sleeved) vintage first day issue stamps/envelopes at a thrift store. Been simplifying my belongings and I'm thinking it's time to sell them. Hey you stamp collectors... what are your recommendations? The person who put this collection together was METICULOUS. I mean, just absolutely anal retentive about their collection. This is why I bought it... even though I'm not a stamp collector I was impressed to my core by their effort and how much passion they clearly had for their hobby.

All of the envelopes are neatly typed to the same person in Colorado, all placed with love into slotted cardboard and sleeved in plastic. Each envelope is the customized first day of issue envelope, with the official stamp and first day of issue postmark. Most of the envelopes are United Nations, American history, government, or arts themed, dated from the mid-1950s to mid-1960s. Here are a few examples of the envelopes and stamps, although my envelopes have a typed address. Many of the them seem to be pretty obscure, I couldn't find their topics online.

Any tips? How should I go about making sure these go to a good home and get a decent price? I know a dealer would offer me less and I should probably get them appraised by a professional, yes? Or should I just hold onto them until the economy gets better? Thoughts please!

Academic Writing - No first person

trashcan — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 15:31:54 -0800

Academic writing without using I or me, list of good phrases and verbs..... I am writing my Masters Dissertation and I am getting fed up of finding ways of avoiding:

"i decided to ...." or "I interviewed"

and turning it into:

"the author interviewed..." or "it was decided to'

can you throw me some good, strong academic phrases, intros and generally strong words to get my juices going again.

thanks...............

ID this book for me please.

Sully — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 14:45:45 -0800

There's a book I read about 8 years ago I'm trying to identify. I can't remember the title. It was a thick paperback, a blue cover with possibly a butterfly on it. But here's the weird thing about this book, which is why I am hoping someone can help me - it was written by two people, and they were only identified by their first names on the cover. I had never seen that before. On the cover, it was like, "Edward & Judy" or something like that. Weird, huh? I had to sell a whole bunch of books back then which is why I don't have it anymore. I remember that photography was a subject, Marilyn Monroe was discussed. Aside from that, I can't remember anything else except I really enjoyed reading it and would like to find it again. Thanks in advance if anyone knows what I'm talking about.

Fun First Dates in Tdot

Count — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 12:52:41 -0800

I'd like to make a shortlist of fun first date locations to take girls out to on weekdays in Toronto, ON. Preferrably light-hearted, casual ones that are somehow interactive, like karaoke or the zoo as opposed to dinner or movies. Any ideas? They don't have to be weekday events, however that is a big plus. Reasonably economical is also a big plus as my budget is studious and likely theirs is as well.
I'm open to any themes and tastes. Think of the last really fun time you went on in hogtown!

Well, at least she isn't hung up on her ex...

Anonymous — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 20:34:25 -0800

Help me fix a (hopefully) temporary problem: how to explain to potential boyfriends that I've never been in a relationship before. (I am a 24 year old straight female.) I'm a mid-twenties straight(ish) female who has never had sex or been in a relationship of any kind. I'm not too broken up about it - my life is really fulfilling on most other levels - but I do find my inexperience embarrassing to talk about even with friends and I can't imagine how hard it will be to explain to future boyfriends.

(Just some history, in case it helps - I've never been in a relationship or had sex but I've done my fair share of coffee dates and drunken making out/fooling around, none of which have led farther than a single date. I've asked a couple of guys out (no luck, obviously) and been asked out by two friends who I just wasn't that into and didn't want to lead on.)

To be honest, I'm not sure why I haven't had a boyfriend before. I think it is a combination of low self-confidence (which I'm mostly over now) and just being really busy with my life. However, I'm worried that guys will see it as either:

a) I am so unattractive & unappealing that no one else would date me.
or
b) I am secretly an awful person with terrible hang ups that would make dating me a nightmare.

Obviously those are exaggerations, and I know that if a guy really likes me, he won't care - but I'm worried that if this comes up before we're at that stage, it'll just derail everything. So, AskMe, I want to know - how soon is it likely to come up, and how? What's the best way to deal with it? I would prefer brushing it aside or putting it off in another way that doesn't look weird *or* make guys feel like they've been misled later on. Is there a good/accepted way to do that? Would a simple "I'd prefer not to talk about that" do the trick?

Finally, because why not - if a guy hears that I've never had a boyfriend before and assumes there's something wrong with me - is he maybe right? I'm not a fan of judging people just because they're outside the norm, but, well, clearly I'm not an expert on these things. How would you react if a potential romantic interest told you they'd never been in a LTR before? Would you be weirded out?

I'll be watching and can answer any questions you guys might have for me.

How to treat split fingertips?

skechada — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 08:38:34 -0800

How to treat split fingertips? About once a month, I pretty routinely get a crack in my fingertip, at the corner where the nail meets the fingertip. It appears to go down through several layers of skin and is pretty painful for a few days. After moving in the cool air this weekend and handling dozens of boxes, my hands dried out and I've got (ouch) four split fingers.

Is there anyone else that gets these and if so do you have any tips at either preventing them or treating them? It doesn't seem that bandaids help, and I try to use moisturizer, but otherwise it's a guaranteed three or four days of pain regardless of what I try.

I know you now, I won't know you later.

Anonymous — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 07:38:09 -0800

I make amazing first impressions! Then everything goes downhill. When I meet someone for the first time, I'm really outgoing, confident, and I approach them and introduce myself, etc. Later hearing from mutual friends or co-workers that I really charmed the person I met.

Seeing them later on, well that's where the trouble starts. I say hi, but for some weird reason, tend to not want to approach them. If I'm close to them, I'll say hi but if I'm walking toward an area where I see a person that I've recently met, I'll tend to 'take a shortcut'.

I also have this problem with people I've taken classes with. I may have sat next to them for an entire semester and got to know them on a superficial level (never hanging out outside of class) but once the semester's done and class is finished and I see them walking on the street, I have a tendency to avoid them.

I WANT THIS TO STOP. I like people and want to keep these connections. What's wrong with me and how can I fix it?

How do I stop judging people?

abdulf — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 07:24:47 -0800

How do I stop judging people and relate to them as equals? I noticed the people I really admire are those who are respected by a diverse group of people.

I suppose they have charisma. They're usually confident, polite, good listeners. They make the people they talk to feel important. They give compliments that feel sincere. However, they also have an ability to relate to people I wouldn't imagine being in their social circles.

They aren't particularly wealthy, smart, beautiful or powerful. They seem to be comfortable with everyone. It's like they talk to a complete stranger and they've known them for years. Perhaps they would be great politicians but lack the interest for that kind of work.

Anyway, I would like to be this kind of person. I think it would make for a more interesting and fulfilling life, to be able to connect better with more people.

I've been able to do this when traveling. I think it's because I was an outsider and I didn't know the rules of the society and the usual cues were not there. I talked to everyone and everyone talked to me. I was also interested in people because it was another culture.

However, back at home, in the US, I have trouble continuing this.

I know I have this issue where I judge people and that subtly works into how I relate to people. For example, I have a graduate degree, and some part of my brain ranks me as being better than someone with less education. I have friends with just a high school education but even they admit that in first impressions, I gave off a vibe that I was better than them. (see what I did there? "just" a high school education. I gotta stop!) Another example is money. I claim that money doesn't matter, but I feel like I'm more interested in the person driving a Mercedes than someone who pulls up in a Honda. At the same time, I loathe the person in the Mercedes for conspicuous consumption while admiring the Honda driver for practicality. But why can't I seem to ignore the car they drive?

I know prejudice and stereotyping helps us survive, but I'm not sure these are the kinds of prejudices that are helpful.

So I need to work on these first impressions. I find people interesting, but these judgments are causing me to give off subtle cues that make people feel less trusting or less likely to reciprocate. In other words, when I talk to someone, I'm coming to them as someone above them or someone below them.

It's hard to say what I am specifically doing to convey this. I know I'm the kind of person that has to believe in something to portray it convincingly. So what can a relatively ambitious person read, think about or do on a daily basis to eliminate or better control these judging thoughts?

How do I combat these, materialistic (for the lack of a better word), prejudices that impair my current and potential relationships?

How do I stop thinking I'm better or worse than other people so that I can get along with different people?

(note: I'm not worried about people judging me. Well I am, sorta, but there are metafilter posts on that. I'm concerned with my judgment of others)

What are some novels with evil first-person narrators?

Beardman — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 16:56:12 -0800

What are some reasonably well-known, preferably famous, examples of novels with evil first-person narrators? All that's coming to mind is Humbert Humbert, but he's too aware of his own nastiness for my purposes. I need novels where the undiluted dastardliness of the first-person narrator affects the entire moral framework of the story, so that you might be forgiven for suspecting that the author actually sides with this monster. Cheers!

Why do so many guys flush the urinal before they use it?

namewithhe1d — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 11:17:21 -0800

Why do so many guys flush the urinal before they use it? Honestly, I've wondered this forever. Is it a "visually stimulating" thing? Or do you just want to close your eyes and picture yourself in front of a waterfall? Or do you need to hear/see water flowing to actually go yourself? Seriously... Something like half the people around me at the urinal walls do this. Why?

Help Me To Start Drinking Beer

catcatwomanman — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 16:44:29 -0800

Beer. I've never tried it. Or any other alcohol. And I'll be 39 next week. But I'm ready to start drinking! Where do I start? I'm a married guy with a wife that drinks wine and mixed drinks. I'm by no means poor (a bit tight maybe...) and can easily afford to start buying booze. No religious objections either. I just never got around to drinking, I guess. But being the only guy at parties and social gatherings with a Mountain Dew in hand has grown tiresome - people assume I'm either a religious nut or a recovering drunk.

For reference, I'm a meat and potatoes guy, love starchy food but not so much sweets. Bitter foods are good (I love biting right into a lemon). I've also never tried coffee, smoked anything or taken any kind of illegal drug... But one thing at a time! I'm ready to start drinking, so where do I start?

Fun stuff for six-year-old girls?

enaira — Fri, 23 May 2008 19:45:38 -0800

What should I do with eight six-year-old girls for 1.5 hours a week that targets social skills and building peer relationships? I am a special ed teacher and am teaching a social skills group/pre-brownies group this summer targeted specifically towards one student in my class. She does not have a documented disability nor does she qualify for any special education services, but is a little quirky and definitely does her own thing. Her family has the resources to organize this group (all little girls in her class next year) and basically wants to ensure their daughter develops some lasting friendships and gains confidence to initiate socially with her peers. So, I'm running this group and am searching for some fun, age appropriate activities to do? Any suggestions along the lines to fun games, art projects, etc?

I love her. Life is good. Should I leave?

Anonymous — Sat, 03 May 2008 08:13:34 -0800

RelationshipFilter - I love her. Life is good. Should I leave? I am an early-20s man, and I've been dating and living with my first ever girlfriend, love, and lover (she is a few years older than me) for 2 years or so now.

The relationship is pretty good. I love her. She really loves me.

But there is a nag in the back of my mind that says I could do better, and I'm just staying here cause of comfort.

We fight at a low-squabbling level every day or so, I want more sex than her, and there is a mismatch of both intelligence and ambition between us.

The thought of leaving her makes my stomach lurch. I don't want to be alone. Being with her is warm. She makes me smile, and from time to time, when I look at her, my whole being just wants to protect and support her.

In addition, she talks about wanting to be with me for a long time, and has said months ago that she doesn't think she can do better than me, and will give up on love if it doesnt work. I care deeply about her, and don't want to hurt her.

A few more ingredients to the mix: We just made a long distance move together. I have a complex about not experiencing life during my teenage years, and am deathly afraid of missing out on life experiences. (This all probably started when friends of mind talked about how they spent their teens/young-twenties having wild crazy random-sex). She is older and more interested in settling down/long term thinking than I

So MetaFilter: Thoughts on what to do with myself?

Stay with her and test to see if it fizzles or really bonds? Break now and get clean starts? Supress my disturbing mind and give this my best go?

Acing an interview?

fogster — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 08:02:07 -0800

My first interview is tomorrow. Do you have actual, useful advice? How can I stay calm? Sorry if this is an open-ended question, but everything I'm finding online is stuff like, "Try to arrive early" and, "Make sure to do some research on what the company does." Despite never having interviewed before, I do have some common sense. ;) I'm hoping that the hive mind has accumulated some good tips.

The job is part web development, part business management (on their Internet side of things). I'm good at both, but, put under pressure, will unwittingly talk myself into seeming utterly incapable of even turning on a computer. They haven't told me what "type" of interview I'll be in, although I was told that the people were easy-going and seemed to like me, from my resume and their quick checks.

In addition to general advice on how to do well in an interview, how do I keep from being a nervous wreck? (It's mostly irrational fear.) I'm excited about this job, so I don't want to risk making a fool of myself. Metafilter!! Please hope me.

how to get newbies healthy?

edmcbride — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 08:50:50 -0800

My wife and I are trying to get back into shape, and maybe loose some weight. I've tried out my google-foo, and can find some places here in RI, but I don't think my wife would feel comfortable walking into Golds gym. Help! We're kinda looking into maybe some yoga. I'm just interested in doing some cardio, bikes, maybe some free weights. Would love to have a pool and a hot tub.

My wife has never been in a gym while I used to go with a roommate. We've been looking into the YMCA. Maybe some AskMe users live in Rhode Island and can give some expertise.

love, doubt, & alcohol : is it worth going back anyway ?

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 17:57:04 -0800

love, doubt, & alcohol : is it worth going back anyway ? Some of the things he said could make me think he deeply cared about me, but i could never tell when he was drunk, and not being an alcoholic myself, i do not know to what extent they are sincere /loving everybody / when drunk

i have learned not to trust very easily... so i have no idea if he would say such things to get physical reward or not.

I also know that one of his friends thought i was pretty funny and despised my beliefs.. and i heard of some pretty sad things such as making bets on girls etc.. on my campus.

I truly want to forget about him, because the thought of his existence is unbearable, since he was my first love, and raised issues in a way that i hadnt planned at all. On the other hand, all of my being yearns to just sit down and talk with him. But where to start ? he would probably get that im not over him 2 years later, if i still run after explanations. yet... if he cared about me, he may feel the same way as I do. he also told me (in the tree that night) that he had made it a rule not to run after people, because he doesnt want to cause any damage in people's lives. I simply cant get where his ethics stand.

Any insight ?Alcoholics : do they have feelings (sincere ones, ever ?) ? Most of my friends still are complete christians and advice me to avoid him by all means.

Long story ; drama and being 20.

2006 :

Me >>> Pretty good looking, original fun-loving always happy popular girl in college, just turned 19, virgin, newly converted fundy christian. (= what everyone who knew me, knew about).

>>>>> Formerly abused, a little traumatized, wants to stay away from physical stuff, formerly a severely depressed individual (= what i honestly would tell my boyfriends after a little while). Secret part = Coming from highly dysfunctionnal alcoholic violent family. Looking for platonic-fun-maybe more romantic relationship, that could lead to serious dating. quite open to physical experiences, as long as authentic feelings are there. Dead scared of being abused again.

Him >>> 25, 1st year of gradschool, psychology student, the hottest guy on campus, knows it, acts it. Has just come out of a 5yr long relationship, is looking for some light-hearted fun stylish girl. Enjoys the good aspects of lif, has sex, a lot, likes to party. Clever, confident (= what he shows).

>>>>>> Secret part i later found out = hasnt been sober since he was 12 (yes, 12). Has tried all drugs, has slept with an unnumerable amount of girls, is looking for Confident sex-loving girls, shares all the details with his group of friends, who definately doent inspire anyone (reputation, and personal contacts made it clear enough they werent the safest place for a girl).

Yet : he has this charm that only slightly alcoholic guys can have, the (sorry err) Johnny depp look and style in everything he does, the irresistible deep pirate voice, that "almost a loser but really could do great in life" touch to himself, that is once again irresistible.

The story :

>>> 2006 : We come across each other at my work (im a library assistant at university), love at first sight on my side 'aah the naiveté of yung years), good impression on his. He knows a friend of mine and asks for my number. next 3 days were on a date each and every night, talking for hours. mostly him, telling me his heart-breaking story,wich he punctuates with "hmm, im really shy, really silent in fact you know", which sounds completely wrong to me, as he almost talked nonstop for 5 hours once.

We go out together on the 3rd date, too early in my opinion, but his merely touching my hand triggered the most violent expression of emotion of my entire life. i literally felt the blood going up to my cheeks and felt myself blush within 2 seconds, and had difficulty breathing... It had to happen . A first in my life. It was magic at first.

We quickly move on, traditional scenario : he impresses me a lot : his age, his experience, his voice, his education level (2 years higher than mine), his past, hm, his elegance... All of it.

I slowly unwrap mine, my firm beliefs, that i kindda put to the side for him. We move on further, til i have to tell him i can't have sex because im dead scared, a virgin, and (just to check his intentions, i admit it was dumb) say "i deeply value marriage" and i insinuate that i may not do anything with a guy til then.

>>>>> We break up ; I experience a few weeks of despair, go back to him, and we get back together. the following week we get seriously involved physically, still no sex, but i start losing weight like never before, (dropped 2.5 stones in a week), get panic attacks, and dont feel well with myself at all. Under the pressure of my close christian friends, i break up with him crying. I spent the next 2 months convincing myself it wasnt worth it, and that he was only after my body..til I come across him in the street : June (06), and since i was planning a huge party at my place a few days later i simply invite him to drop by to say hey. He rsays he will be busy somewhere else.

Then at 1 am the night of my party, he shows up, drunk, with all his friends, and as my friends ask him who he is, he looks at me, and says "ive known this girl and it is someone i Adore. Ive missed her like crazy, it had been months, and here I am to see her. ****** is my name". then he takes my hand and asks if he can hold me. Quite an impression to my young heart. We spend an amazing night hanging out with my friends in a park, he takes me to a tree under which weve madea fire, and explains me that he cannot admit to the word" love" because hes just come out of his 5 yr long relationship, he asks if he may kiss me, though, because he has missed me a whole lot. We get back together, we get back to my place, sleep in each other's arms, the next morning he leaves almost without a word. He called 3 days later "for news", telling me he was standing on a bridge by himself with a bottle, at 11 pm.
I got scared and decided to go meet him, knowing he is a strange bird.. instead he asks that we meet at a party, where he practically ignores me, then after drinking, comes to me and asks me if my beliefs have changed. I say no, and after clearing his throat, explains me that we cant stay together, so i grab my bag and run out. he runs after me and hold me tight, and since there happens to be a piano in the house, i go and play. he follows me as i play emotional depressing songs. he cries, and tells me he has never told the following stuff to anyone :

"everyone believes im about using people and getting my way, but i spend my life trying to prove myself, and i am so tired of it, i feel like a nobody". I told him some christian cheer up words (the only ones i knew at the time).. and i went back to my place. Was this manipulation ?

Then after a few weeks of silence i call him up to ask him for news, and he simply tells me that he is living town. I didnt have any news from him for the entire summer after this (3 months) so i wrote him a huge letter (10 pages) full of recommendations and "will you please take care of your body and soul and life?", very christian stuff (ugh). Since then, i havent had any news from him.

>>>> 2007 January : after a lot of reading, some good talks, debates, and the positiv influence from my studies, i de-convert, and it gets to him through some friends. I suddenly discover balanced living, being a college student, being able to think for myself, and the feeling is.. aah, amazing.

>>>> Mid -March : really drunk (my first real drunken experience), i call him up at 5 am, but only hearing his voice makes me shake, so i let him talk with my friends, who try to figure out if hed like to meet us up anywhere (were really drunk at this point). he is up as usual, in one of his "quiet hangouts" with his friends, and his current gf, so he refuses.

>>>>> Mid-April : 11 pm (?), a friend of his calls me up, asking if id like to "hang out, "just relax before exams".. but since i had a double major, a lot of work, and knew it would mess me up emotionally i politely decline. Since then, ive come across him a few times in the street and at university, but never dared to stop and sit down to talk to him, and hed always say "hi" or wink at me.

i can Not get him out of my mind. Since then, also, ive been in a serious relationship, have lost my virginity, have gotten in better terms with the fact that young people drink alcohol. In other words, life is good.

If only i could turn this page / get clear on our story. Where should I start without making a fool of myself once again ? Im rather ashamed of the letter i sent him, and mentionned to a mutual friend that i see my former behaviour as an evangelical xian as unethical.

PS : Girl, 22, Gradschool, student in psychology, still healthy-fun-good looking, if that helsp tp figure out the situation in any way =) thanx for reading.