Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with fetish

Is it healthy to reenact childhood discipline as an adult?

Anonymous — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 06:27:54 -0800

Some of the disciplinary acts I endured as a child and teenager have spilled over into my adult sex life. Is this a healthy thing to encourage, or should I avoid these acts altogether? My parents used a certain degree of physical discipline on me growing up. As a child, I remember a couple of brutal spankings from my father that left me crying for hours. From my mother, she occasionally smacked my butt with a wooden spoon, slapped my face, or washed my mouth out with soap until snot ran out of my nose. As a teenager, my father pulled me up the stairs by my hair a couple of times. There was also a bit of verbal degradation and object breaking (calling me a bitch, throwing chairs, etc.).

Now, I don't excuse the above actions, but these were occasional incidents that occurred over a period of 15 years. This was during the 70's and 80's when spanking was more acceptable. There is also a cultural difference between my parents and the North American culture where I was raised. I recognize that my parents had my best interests at heart, and while we are civil to each other today, I will never be emotionally close to them.

I think I'm a fairly stable adult and don't consciously harbor any guilt over my upbringing. My parents had good intentions, I believe, however misguided they were. I've never attended therapy nor felt the need to seek outside help.

What worries me is that that some of these specific disciplinary acts have become sexual fetishes. The tendencies have always been there (submission, degradation) but I haven't recreated specific acts until recently. It has been even more recently that I even made the connection with childhood incidences.

Should I just continue on with my sexual urges, even if I see a connection with unhealthy childhood incidents? I feel okay mentally, but am I fooling myself???

Anon email account:
missmefianon@gmail.com

Fetish vs. Phobia: recipe for disaster?

Anonymous — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 22:33:40 -0800

A potential romantic partner has a very specific phobia. As luck would have it, it happens to be pretty much the exact thing that is my very private fetish. I have never shared it with anyone and don't plan to share it with anyone. Are we doomed, or could we somehow make this work to our advantage? For the purpose of explanation, let's refer to my fetish as a mild thing for gingers/redheads. I have never sought out romantic partners based on this, I have never dyed my own hair red or encouraged others, I try not to be noticeable when I spot them out in public, and the closest I get to porn is, for example, a fully clothed shot of Prince Harry. Still, it's the kind of thing that I think other people would find incredibly weird, and I would be mortified if it ever got out. I keep it very much inside my head, and while I do have a lovely and comfortable sex life, it usually involves fantasies around this subject. I've had it for as long as I can remember.

So I'm doing the usual deep get-to-know-you thing with this guy, and things are going really, really well. Then he mentions that when he was younger, he got beat up by a redhead, and ever since then he has had a complete phobia of redheads. "I just look away," he says. His ex used to make fun of him for it, too, which is totally not cool. I get the feeling that his phobia is about as pervasive and rational as my fetish, but I am certainly not someone to make fun, especially in a situation like this.

Now, while I obviously would not display this fetish in front of him (or anyone else, for that matter), I don't want to run the risk that he accidentally sees that I've looked at YouTubes of Geena Davis or whatever. But I also have another thought: could we somehow work together on it? Like, for example, I am accustomed to spying redheads out of the corner of my eye; could I then warn him not to look?

Any ideas?

No throwaway e-mail here. Anonymous because obviously I don't even want it to get out that I HAVE a fetish.

Dress code for male Doms?

Anonymous — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 08:21:47 -0800

What is the minimum acceptable dress code for male Doms who want to go public? There's been a lot of D/s questions on AskMe lately and it's drawing out all the kinksters, old and new alike. Awesome!

My question is this: having just recently self-identified as a straight male Dom, I've yet to mould myself to the 'scene', and am doubtful if I ever will (i.e., it will most likely remain a private indulgence, though not necessarily closeted).

However, I'm interested in attending clubs and fet-friendly gatherings- not for public play (necessarily), but simply to meet more people in the scene and just generally soak up the atmosphere.

Problem: most clubs require a strict dress code, and even public events encourage it. I'm NOT into dressing up (e.g., leather, PVC, goth, punk, TV, nude, etc.), but at the same time I want to show that I've made an effort (and actually be allowed in).

What can I possibly wear??? I can look good in a suit, and don't mind shelling out for a new outfit, but how would that go over? Tuxes seem a bit overdone, and costume?? Like... army & navy stuff? This could work, but, again, it's not my style, so I'd risk looking idiotic or phony.

Help this newbie out, please! If it helps in any way, I'm slim, 5'8", and dress 'street casual' in my vanilla life.

More thera-fishes in the sea?

Anonymous — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 13:27:02 -0800

I was seeing a sex therapist for about a year. We had a little tiff and now I don't go there anymore. I could still use the therapy though. Should I forgive and forget or are there more thera-fish in the sea? (Potentially NSFW) So I was seeing a sex therapist for about a year when I could no longer live in silence anymore about my foot-fetish and internet porn addiction. I also had some big time anger issues and was dealing with some feelings of betrayal, loneliness and despair.

I was looking for someone who knew what they were talking about and who was empathetic to my pain. I finally found a nice woman who met these qualifications.

For the first few months it was great - For the first time in my life, I was finally able to "let it all out". It felt so liberating. I was able to say anything about anything without the fear of being labelled or judged.

My therapist did have a few bad habits though:
- she was regularly late for appointments, which was a problem because I would see her during the day and would have to get back to work as quickly as possible.
- She was only interested in hearing about my agony - but never really seemed interested in guiding me to making any changes - for the entire year she always promised "soon we are going to get really intense", but after 6 months of hearing that, I kinda didn't expect much.
- She would take long phone calls in the middle of our session, talking from 10 to 20 minutes per call. I would always get my hour's worth, but it was still annoying, considering that I was pressed for time and was pushing my luck with work every time I would stay past the hour.

All that being said, it was still nice to establish a weekly meeting with her so that I could get things off my chest.

I never confronted her about this, because I felt weird doing it, considering that she was there to help me - even though I was paying her, I was still grateful for her ear and felt that if I would say anything, it would be like I was "biting the hand that fed me."

Finally the straw that broke the camel's back was when she was 20 minutes late for an appointment and waltzed in without an apology or acknowledgement. I explained that it was too late in the hour and I had to return to work. She got defensive? offended? as if I had just slapped her in the face and said "OK, just go!". So I did, and I never went back.

A few months ago, she did try to contact me - perhaps she wants to make up, but the conspiracy theorist in me thinks she just needs the cash.

But I could still use the empathetic ear.

So my question is, do I go back to her or do I find someone new?

I am no longer mad, but I don't think I can go back - I tend to hold a grudge. And besides, she wasn't really helping me, was she fellow Me-Fites?

Then again, if I see someone new, I will have to reveal my innermost secrets to yet another person - I don't know if I have the strength to do that, or do I? And what if we are not compatible?

So fellow MeFites, what is your take on this? Stay with someone I know? Try someone new?

How do I find my match?

Anonymous — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 07:31:44 -0800

I'm a straight guy and I have several kinks which drive me wild in bed. I'd like to date a straight girl who has similar kinks which drive her wild in bed. But I don't want to get into fetish lifestyles or anything extreme (unfortunately kink owners tend to get polarized into one big group of "alternative people" who dress in rubber and go to subterranean bondage clubs every week) - I just want a regularish relationship with some special orders in the bedroom. How do I do this? I can't find out during dating - hey what's your favorite movie, author, sexual deviation? I don't want to wait until I end up in the bedroom to find out that they're into R&B and I'm into Death Metal, so to speak. And I know I could join a club - let's say an S&M club - but I did that once (well, I went to the orientation meeting) but I got the impression that it was more of a place for couples to do their thing in front of other people (and that ain't my thing). The members were also of a significantly different age group and it just didn't seem a viable place to meet a potential partner. Finally, yes I know there's a bunch of sites online relating to kinks, but... are attractive girls in the personals of BDSM sites for real? I'm guessing not so much. Also, a lot of personals on BDSM sites come over as a bit extreme - there are people looking for Masters, Mistresses, 24/7 BDSM lifestyles etc - and I'm not looking for that. I don't want to dress in black and own custom equipment and essentially take it all too seriously (not that there's anything wrong with that!) - I just want a regular go for hikes/ dinner/ vacation together relationship with some particular flavors thrown in in the bedroom.

Bike-sex, breaking the law?

popcassady — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 15:41:59 -0800

Why does the law have a problem with sex with a bicycle? I'm quite perplexed by this story.

Surely there's an absence of all the facts. On what basis did this man end up on the sex offender's register? There are all kinds of marital aids available today!

He was in a locked room. His actions were a private matter between the bicycle and himself, weren't they?

Where can I find help in dealing with a sexual fetish?

ninepin — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 21:42:25 -0800

Where can I find therapy which will allow me to understand / cope with / overcome a fetish? Since early adolescence I've been attracted to watching women smoke. For many years I never understood these feelings and prior to the dawn of the internet just figured there was something "different" about me and that I was likely the only one on earth who felt this way. I've often tried to comfort myself in the fact that, as far as "fetishes" are concerned, this one is relatively benign (doesn't involve children, humiliation, pain, barnyard animals, etc) and that I should somehow learn to accept it, however I'm very uncomfortable with it in general and it has definitely interfered with my goal of obtaining a loving, committed relationship.

I've read most of what I could find online in regards to the psychology behind sexual fetishes and most of it has been rather vague and deals more with learning to accept / find a healthy outlet for these feelings instead of ridding oneself of them. I know that since I've been "this way" for so long (I'm now 33) it is unlikely that I'll ever be completely free of this but it is imperative that I find some sort of help or resolution. Negative feelings about my sexuality have brought about drug & alcohol abuse, bulimia, depression, and social isolation. Over the years I've contemplated everything from chemical castration to suicide. And the situation is complicated further by the fact I'm grossly uncomfortable actually "talking" about it. (in fact, this post is only the 2nd time I've ever actually admitted it) I revealed it to my most recent partner who I was deeply in love with at the time and the results were unfortunately, quite horrible.

I've read that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has yielded some success when it comes to sexual fetishes but I have no idea where to start, what results are realistic to expect, or how to find someone who has experience with helping those with fetishes. I know the mind can be incredibly malleable and many aspects of my fetish have changed / evolved over time but my ultimate goal is to experience "normal" sexual attraction to the female body.

I guess my question boils down to:
A) Where can I find a therapist who has experience in dealing with sexual fetishes.
B) What types of results are realistic to expect from treatment?

If anyone would rather respond privately I can be reached via effinconfused@gmail.com

What's my kink?

Ethereal Bligh — Thu, 31 May 2007 01:34:27 -0800

Do I have a (sexual) kink? Should I have a kink? If I do have a kink, how do I discover it? My sex life has always been pretty straightforward. I'm very open-minded and have tried the usual variety of relatively conventional stuff. What I haven't done, though, is any sort of play-acting, or BDSM, or even dressing up (me or my partner). I like and enjoy sex but, on the other hand, other than during my adolescence sex has never seemed to be nearly as important to me as it seems to be for many other people. It's not, for example, the most fun thing I can think of doing. I can get by without it for long stretches of time. And so sometimes I wonder if there's not some kind of sex out there waiting for me to discover that would be sort of like a revelation: "Oh, this is why so many peoples' lives revolve around sex!"

In my masturbatory fantasy life there's not really anything that I have thought of that has an unusually powerful stimulating effect on me. There's maybe one pretty common activity that I do quite like and the idea of which is moderately arousing to me—but not unusually so.

Do most people have little sexual kinks that powerfully turn them on and reliably get them off? If you have something like this, did you always have it and, if not, when and how did you become aware of it? For example, not ever having done any play-acting or even mild dominance/submissive stuff, I'm only able to "test" whether anything like that might be a particular turn-on to me by trying it out through my imagination. And nothing I've imagined seems to have any special appeal. But is that predictive? Would I only know if I actually tried it?

Also, I'm sex-positive and don't have, as far as I can tell, any sex-negative hang-ups. However, one reason I'm asking this question may be that I do have a bit of a hang-up about anything I think might be sort of silly. For example, role-playing. I think that maybe role-playing something might be a turn-on and fun, but I'm inhibited by a self-consciousness related to what seems silly about play-acting.

Finally, it's also the case that I've seen lots of porn and there's not been any particular kinky activity that really gets my blood pumping.

I'm not dating anyone now, but assuming I were dating someone, how could I explore new sexual territory, looking for something that really turns me on, without having any idea of what that might be?

Where can I find the pro-ugly sites?

stinkycheese — Wed, 09 May 2007 12:40:25 -0800

Ugliness as a fetish on the Internet - resources? websites? chat? The Internet being as big as it is, there is supposedly a page or two for every fetish and taste, no matter how bizarre or unlikely. I have never been able to make much headway however in my search for those whose tastes run to what is usually considered ugly - scars, deformities, etc. (not so interested in fat girls or body mods, thanks, there's plenty of that available). Also, there is certainly an abundance of sites which feature pictures of carnival performers and so forth, but I'm looking for those who crossover to actually expressing appeal for such things, as opposed to LOLFREEKZ. Many thanks in advance.

Seeking a specific heat-fetish story (description inside)

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 21:29:39 -0800

Seeking a specific fetish story, published on the web in the mid 90s or earlier, that had to do with a heat fetish (being heated to extreme temperatures as sexually arousing). I know it's a long shot but this story made such an impression on me and I can't find it again. The main character is male; his partner is female and I think a pro domme (he goes to her well-equipped studio, which I think is inside a mansion or other kind of traditional/old housing). She wraps him in some kind of very warm clothing or material, overheats him beside the fireplace, puts him into a sauna, and surrounds him with smaller flames, I think from candles. I think all this builds into some traditional vanilla sex but the very detailed description of the heat treatments is what I remember.

I've searched ASSTR and generally googled with no luck... this seems like a fetish there would be at least some stories about, even if I can't find that exact story I remember. Googling the phrase "heat fetish" in quotes just produces pages where the word heat is separated from fetish by punctuation. Any ideas where I should look or how I should google better? If you know any other stories on the web (not in print) I would love to hear about them -- any genders/orientations would be great.

Do many Muslim men have foot fetishes?

Ynoxas — Fri, 12 Jan 2007 09:52:07 -0800

The Burquini thread got me to thinking about fetishes among Muslims. There is This thread makes me ponder the visual sexual stimulation of a typical Muslim man. Specifically, the women typically have their whole bodies covered, but sandals are usually the norm. Would this tend to make Muslim men develop foot fetishes at higher than the normal (whatever that is) rate, since that's practically all they have to work with; or would it do the opposite, desexualing it due to it being practically all you can see and ubiquitous? Like perhaps noses or foreheads to most western men, carrying no or very little sexual connotation.

Is the foot forbidden or otherwise "unclean" in a religious sense in Islam?

Selling used undies?

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Jun 2006 22:26:51 -0800

Selling used, ahem, clothing online. I met a woman who sold used underthings on the good ol' web and made a killing. What are the laws regarding this, and how does one go about selling? Legitimate, trustworthy sites? Tips? Warnings?

I realize that it's probably better to sell plasma or lemonade, but to hear that an attractive woman can make $200+ on a pair of $5 Wal-mart undies is just too attractive a thought to dismiss on the grounds of perversion.

overcoming a fetish?

brandz — Mon, 29 May 2006 09:49:13 -0800

FetishFilter: can a person overcome a dangerous or detrimental sexual fetish? or any fetish for that matter?

What was my friend's "most disturbing movie ever seen?"

justkevin — Sun, 29 Jan 2006 07:14:36 -0800

What was my friend's "most disturbing movie ever seen?" Sometime back I asked a group of friends what the most disturbing movie they'd ever seen was. One of them refused to answer (perhaps because the answer is too shocking?) but dropped quite few hints. This is what we know:

It's almost certainly pornographic.
My friend isn't a prude, so she wouldn't be disturbed by a run-of-the-mill porn flick.
We established it wasn't in one of the obvious disturbing categories like child porn, bestiality or snuff films.
She thought it was black & white, but isn't sure.
The main character was either on Melrose Place or looked a lot like an actress from that show.
The title is four words long: "The ______ of ______" (she's quite definite about this part).

More male bottoms then female tops?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 11:01:10 -0800

BSDMFilter : Is it true that there are far more male bottoms then there are female tops? If not, why are men willing to pay so much money to see a domme?

If so, how did it get this way? What is a sub male to do?

This is me blushing

bilabial — Mon, 02 Jan 2006 13:05:56 -0800

I think people would pay to watch me do (tame) stuff on the internet, but getting from that idea to the whole moving forward, I need help. I really like to bake, and I have some other hobbies that I enjoy doing, and the end product is useful to me. I've heard there are people with fetishes. My inspired mind is mostly inspired by a combination of stories about girls paying the rent with web cam shows that are, um, dirty AND crafty websites and podcasts. But I don't know how they get all the stuff hooked up. Or how they connect to the internet for this kind of stuff and what sort of paperwork is required to be sure that the IRS isn't going to want my ass on a platter in three years for tax stuff. I mean, we have a fast connection, and I have a laptop but no webcam yet.

Where can I go for a step by step "how to open a web business (that you kind of want to be a secret but secretly hope will make gazillions of dollars and be lots of fun)" primer? (oh, that was embarassingly easy)

About the baking, really, I'm serious. I imagine this to be a sort of website where people could go to learn to cook, because that would be serious, not just some chick smearing chocolate sauce on herself (not that that's not art or something, I just can't get into it). But there could be some aspects of it that could be more subtly erotic. And I have lots of shoes and probably other stuff that's fetishized.

As for myself, I'm in very good shape and pretty attractive.

I had wanted to do this anon, but I'm sure I will need to engage in a dialog about all of this.

I don't yet know how to write code, I don't know how to hide my personal paypal information (someone mentioned that I could get stalked with that information), but I have some patience and a day job that makes baking/crocheting/sewing a really good way to unwind. I also like the idea of having an Amazon wishlist connected to this webcast so that I can get a better stocked kitchen, and I've seen that it looks pretty secure.

Attraction across races

Big Fat Tycoon — Fri, 03 Jun 2005 08:13:35 -0800

Are you attracted to people of races different from your own? I pose this question not to be inflammatory, but because it's one of those semi-taboo questions that I think might not always be answered honestly or seriously, and I think AskMeFi is one of the better places to pose it.

I'm ethnically Asian, and I'm attracted to white women, for the most part. Now, there could be endless debates as to why that is, but suffice to say I grew up in North America in a mostly white enclave. The problem for me is that I find it very difficult, compared to my white friends, to attract women that I'm actually attracted to -- this issue was brought home when I lived in Asia for a while and discovered that local women found me quite attractive but I didn't usually feel likewise. The same goes for my most recent foray into online personals, where my white friends have garnered a great deal more interest than me. Now, perhaps it's some aspect of my attitude that is causing this, but it seems like it is a factor. An average-looking white man I feel will garner more interest than an equivalently average-looking Asian male in this society. My cousin, also raised in North America, has bumped into similar problems, where women have actually said, "I don't Asians" to his face.

So, in this seemingly increasingly multi-cultural world, is this a natural "prejudice" that still remains in you? If you have particular tastes in this area, are they related to physical factors (look of eyes, skin color) or is it a cultural issue? Do you feel you have a fetishistic interest in other races, if you do find other races attractive? If you aren't attracted to other races, why not? Is this something I just have to accept, since attraction is tied to so many subconscious and irrational factors?

Help me have sex with my girlfriend.

Anonymous — Thu, 05 May 2005 09:57:44 -0800

Help me have sex with my girlfriend. I'll try to be concise. I'm male. My girlfriend and I are both 20. She's had sex, I haven't. I've been with a few other girls, but not terribly many. We've been together for 6 months or so, and though we're regularly intimate in other ways, we haven't had sex together. When we try, I'm unable to maintain enough of an erection to perform. This is embarassing for me and it makes my girlfriend think I don't want her. I think a few things could be contributing to this.

1) We care about each other very much, but I didn't start dating her primarily based on physical attraction. I find my girlfriend attractive, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't often see girls to whom I'm more attracted, purely on a superficial level. I don't think this should preclude us from having sex, though.

2) I feel like my girlfriend seems to take a mostly passive role during foreplay, as if waiting for me to get ready. I've lightly broached the subject before, but nothing seems to have changed. Should I expect/ask her to do more, or should I be able to take care of myself? I don't want to make it sound like I don't want her, but I feel like it takes a little bit more sometimes.

3) I have something of a fetish which seems to fall under the heading of somnophilia. I've always found sleeping women to be erotic. This doesn't affect my everyday, non-sexual life. I get off on "regular" things, too, but this especially. I've tried fantasizing about it when I'm with her, but I can't concentrate on it and pay attention to her at the same time. I've never told anyone about this, and I feel terribly awkward and slightly ashamed about it. There's no shortage of web sites about it, so obviously I'm not the only one, but I can't help but feel embarassed. I feel very comfortable with my girlfriend, but I'm still not exactly sure how she'd react. Should I tell her about it? How do I tell her? Or should I wait until after we've had sex? Should I not let this aspect control my sex life?

4) I find condoms extremely uncomfortable. When I get an erection, I feel like the struggling to put it on and the feeling of wearing it puts a damper on things. I'd say that I'm on the larger side, and have found that regular-sized condoms seemed extremely tight and difficult to get on (though I only tried a few brands). I've since brought Trojan Magnum large-sized condoms, and while they fit, I find them uncomfortable as well. Will I just get used to it, or is there something else I should try?

I apologize for the length. I appreciate any advice that anyone can offer, related or unrelated to the above issues.

Theoretical explanation for kinkyness.

kavasa — Sat, 05 Mar 2005 00:25:09 -0800

So has anyone tried to explain sexual kinks and fetishes? I don't mean in a cataloguing sense, but in the same sense that an evolutionary biologist explains a fish's tail shape. Where it came from, what purposes it serves, that sort of thing.

Question number 12522

dame — Sun, 05 Dec 2004 16:49:48 -0800

So I was looking at the dirty ads in the back of the weekly paper, and there was one for "different interests" including "BDSM, golden showers, young/old, and interracial." Are the latter two really on par with the former in terms of perceived deviancy?

Question number 11906

billybunny — Thu, 18 Nov 2004 12:04:57 -0800

What constitutes "mainstream" with regards to fetishes? [MI]