Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with feminism

talking about gender in short term dating relationship

The Noble Goofy Elk — Sat, 04 May 2013 09:23:36 -0800

Any advice on how to discuss emotionally loaded social issues without pushing buttons? I met a guy on an online dating site a couple months ago and we've been pretty tight since then. He is mid thirties, I am early 40's, woman. He is moving away from this area at the end of the summer, so we agreed from the outset that we would just have a good summer together.

He is mostly on the same page as I am politically, but there are wide gaps in our social beliefs. Most of these we have filed as "problem we don't need to fix" because he's leaving and this isn't a long term thing. This works spectacularly well for things like hunting, but things like gender dynamics are maybe too close to home for this principle to serve.

I understand that he was raised in an abusive family (his characterization, not mine) and that he has had little contact with anyone who is ethnically dissimilar to himself. His go-to reaction to many things is "white males are victimized by society." Things that have, objectively, nothing to do with race or gender, he sees through this lens. An example: the meme of a diver with a shark, where the caption read something like "here we see the most ruthless predator on Earth, beside it a Great White Shark swims peacefully." He presented this picture to me as evidence of a woman on Facebook "hating white men". It struck me as deeply paranoid and weird, and I explained that it's a comment on humanity being more dangerous to an ecosystem than the predator animals we demonize, blah, blah, blah. He doesn't see it that way and said that "they use the word 'white,'" I thought that was, frankly, batshit insane, since the word "white" is part of the name of the species in the photo. But he has stuck to his interpretation, that the word was used to make "white males" feel bad.

He had a rough day yesterday and last night came over for dinner while he was having what he called anger about an article in the NYT on gender ratios and study habits among undergrads. He had sent me the link earlier, and asked if I'd read it. I said I had and that, while I wasn't super impressed with the article, I didn’t think it was something we should talk about because we likely had strong disagreements. Again, trying to shove this into the "problems we don't need to solve" file. But talk about it we did. He ended up leaving because he said he was too mad to stay.

I feel like we need to find a way of talking about this kind of thing without pushing each others' buttons, but I have no idea what that way might look like.
My feminism includes the idea that patriarchy hurts everyone in society; I am angry about how men are portrayed in cold medicine commercials too. However, I am very uneasy with war of the sexes terminology, and with the idea that men and women are two different kinds of things.

Any ideas or advice on how we could best accomplish a balance of supportiveness and avoidance of topic for the rest of the summer? Anything that has worked for other people in similar close quarters at odds scenarios?

What are some YA novels with feminist antagonists?

Mezentian — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 06:03:47 -0800

A friend and I were talking, and she was saying that there aren't any feminist heroes in YA fantasy. I countered with Ursula Le Guin. There must be others, but being a guy who mostly reads male authors I can't think of any others, but they must exist. If front-page titles were used in Ask.Meta this would have been called "Help me, PhoBWanKenobi, you are my only hope".

A broad definition of fantasy is okay, but tending towards dragons and stuff.
Novels preferred, short stories okay too.

Not Leaning In

Mrs Roy G Biv — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 22:02:30 -0800

Help me feel comfortable about not being very ambitious and reasonably happy on the mommy track. I'm mid-40, female, with a good (nearly three figure) salary. I'm also married and have a 5-year old. I've been in my current job at a major public university for almost 7 years and was recently promoted.

Up until my mid-30s and before I was married and a homeowner, I was pretty career oriented. My job was interesting and exciting and provided a lot of my social life. These days I'm not at all interested in furthering my career. My current job is pretty boring but it's predictable and easy enough and flexible to accommodate family obligations. It doesn't challenge me intellectually but it also does not tax me emotionally. It's fine. I have good benefits through a public employer and I guess the term "golden handcuffs" applies since I doubt I'd find the salary and pension that I have now any place else. So I'm feeling kind of stuck career-wise, but at the same time, I'm not sure I really care.

I have a lot of friends in the same field and many of them are advancing and taking on more responsibility (both with and without families to support) and I'm slowly realizing that I don't have the drive to do the career thing anymore. With all this Lean In stuff going around these days, I feel kind of like I should want more, but I really don't. I'm sure society can spare one woman, we don't all have to high-achieving, go-getters, right?

I went through a mentorship program at my work this year and explored a bunch of ideas about how I could advance my career there and came up with some potential strategies but I felt like I was just going through the motions, doing what was expected of me, but I didn't really care. In the end, both my mentor and I agreed that there wasn't some clear path for me and that sitting tight wasn't such a bad idea.

And then I think about my daughter and want to be sure I'm setting a good example as someone who can take care of herself financially and be a responsible productive member of society but also, I want to do homework with her every night and go to all of her school plays and not feel like I have to be in two places at once.

Bottom line: How do I feel okay about not really caring about my career and also be a good, strong female role model and a good mom? How did you do it? Did you regret it later?

To be clear, we're not rich for our city and cost of living but we're certainly comfortable. I get that I'm doing better than the vast majority of the world and have nothing to complain about and am also sort of inventing something to agonize about. My life is good.

How do I check my feminism as a writer?

scaryblackdeath — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 09:16:36 -0800

Are there other simple-to-express checks like the Bechdel Test for measuring gender bias and feminism in fiction? I try hard to make sure I'm being a decent feminist as a writer -- I'm a guy, I tend to write with male protagonists but with a lot of female characters involved, and I worry about my blind spots. Feminism isn't my end goal or the point to my writing, but it is something I care about. Moreover, I don't want to simply add to the piles of anti-feminist stuff out there by blindly repeating misogynist stereotypes.

Are there tropes and stereotypes that should be painfully obvious? Are there websites or articles that do a good job of illustrating good vs poor feminism in fiction?

I self-publish, so it's not like I have professional editing support. Most of my "beta readers" are liberally-minded, college-educated women. I write sci-fi and also urban fantasy (with a heavy dose of erotica), but despite all the far-fetched and unrealistic base concepts of my stuff, I try to make my characters act and react in believable manners.

I got a review of my sci-fi novel that noted that the women in the book were by and large smarter, stronger and "better" than the men, and that made me kinda happy -- primarily because I didn't do that intentionally. I've found the same pattern in my urban fantasy stuff.

How would things be different if the ERA had passed?

escabeche — Sat, 16 Mar 2013 06:05:16 -0800

In the 1970s and 80s, when I was a kid, an Equal Rights Amendment to the Constitution, barring discrimination on the basis of sex, was passed by Congress and very nearly adopted. How would the United States be different if three more states had ratified the ERA and the Constitution had actually been amended? To make it more precise, what current federal laws or practices would be struck down if the U.S. Constitution included the ERA?

No Boys Allowed!

[insert clever name here] — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 13:56:48 -0800

I've got an idea for a community website that is women centric in a very male dominated hobby. I've looked, there really doesn't seem to be a community catering to women in this hobby out there right now, and I'm coming to realize that this really could be a good niche because women involved in the hobby are pretty marginalized. What I could use some advice on is - do I make it woman only, or allow men to participate just promoting to women and keeping some women centric topics? The hobby is aquarium keeping. I've had an overwhelming fascination with fish since I was 5 years old; or so my parents tell me. It's grown into quite an extensive hobby and I've become involved in a number of groups and clubs. And it's very boys club-y. Women exist in moderate numbers, but there is a very "the boys are talking" vibe at conferences and club gatherings, as well as online.

It's in stark contrast to what I've seen of the web design community. Not that there isn't some issues there too, but the conferences I've attended I've felt much more like a part of it and participation felt much more equal and more about sharing ideas regardless of gender.

I digress. I've realized there are a lot of women in this hobby, and many of us feel marginalized. I've met many locally and online and we all seem to find each other because we are rare. Only I'm thinking we're not that rare, we just get chased out of the hobby or aren't participating in group activities because of the very male centric nature of these groups.

So I am going to throw together a forum, and see where it takes me. Here is what I struggle with though - I think gender equality is very important, so I'm hesitant to make it only open to women signups. Plus, on the internet, no one knows if you're a dog, so only allowing women signups would just mean men could sign up pretending to be women.

On the other hand, I'm afraid if I open it up to all genders, it's just going to become another aquarium site, and I'm not sure I want that.

I spoke to my husband about it, his suggestion is perhaps allow men to participate but have them be "vouched for" by another member. It's a interesting idea, I'm not sure what to make of it.

I'd love to hear the advice of other mefites as Metafilter seems to be very gender-politics aware. If this was your project, how you would do it? If you have done something similar catering to a specific demographic, how did you handled it, where did it worked and where didn't it? Also, if you feel comfortable, please include your gender - I would like to see how both men and women feel about this idea. I don't know if I should expect blow-back from men in the hobby.

Recommendations for socially aware media both sincere and heartwarming?

xarnop — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 09:00:42 -0800

What are your recommendations for feminist friendly, social justice friendly media that portrays human beings outside of conventional stereotypes with positive themes? Ok so, my specifics are specific.... I'm hoping to find some sitcomes, movies, tv series that portray human beings of various body sizes and ages (sitcoms features elderly people? People with very minimal to no visible make up (other than what is needed to make the color work on film), people who are conventionally not attractive- who are living fairly enjoyable/funny/ light experiences.

I know it would be easier to find this if my constraints didn't exclude drama as a category but I specifically do NOT like heavy content- I'm really looking for light hearted comedy, family warmth, and loving relationships on film. I'm happy to watch in subtitles if other cultures do this better than english speaking cultures. (Also I speak a bit of german so german speaking recommendations would be great).

I like the cosby show, I like seinfield, there are plenty of comedies that would probably fit in this category that aren't specifically "feminist" oriented and might even be not so politically correct in humor, but are kind of "all in good fun". I like medieval history and historical settings so things that take us out of these setting in which females are designed to look like barbie dolls while guys all get to be slacker doofs and it's fine. I watch TV/movies with teenage relatives and I feel like it's very hard to find shows that are both heart warming and light in the way Raven, wizards of waverly place or Zach and Cody are- but without the females gobbed in make up and hair products that make them look very unnatural-- and if possible a step up in the intelligence and social integrity of the humor and stereotypes portrayed. I like stupid humor, the Regular Show, Adventure Time-- I'm the kind of dork who likes cartoons and oddball humor-- but I also REALLY like feel good family TV.

I find that intelligence and social consciousness are hard to find in combo with feel good TV. (I guess perhaps when they say ignorance is bliss they mean it? lol)

Looking forward to answers! I'd rather have more answers than less, so please don't worry about fitting my constraints perfectly-- I'd just like to see if there are ideas I'm unaware of I could try!

What is a good reading list to bring me up to speed in modern feminism?

wooh — Sun, 24 Feb 2013 10:21:54 -0800

I am a white gay dude. My goal is to bring myself up to speed on feminism (and important streams in gender and whatnot). What books should I read? What blogs should I be reading? I want to be able to speak more coherently to these issues with an understanding of the history, and of the current theory.

Any good depictions of Women in the military/police service?

Saebrial — Sun, 24 Feb 2013 05:49:50 -0800

Just wondering if anyone knew of some depictions of women (either TV or film) in uniformed roles that pass the Bechdel test. Bechdel test being where two named women have a conversation about something other than a man. I'm racking my brain but can't think of any.

Looking for a person to talk about domestic violence

bq — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 08:55:41 -0800

I am looking for someone who has expertise or personal experience with domestic violence. This person should be comfortable with public speaking. Possibly a survivor of domestic abuse either as a victim or a child witness. There are many organizations who deal with education/resources for victims or potential victims. I am looking for someone who includes potential abusERS in their ideal audience and talks about how to recognize controlling behavior in oneself, how to avoid becoming an abuser for people who grew up witnessing abuse, etc. Geographic location does not matter. I was hoping to get a list of resources, experts, organizations.

Just because it isnt for English class doesnt meant it has to be vapid

FirstMateKate — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 20:17:15 -0800

Please direct me to some short to medium-short essays on feminism, specifically in regards to femininity. Bonus points if it makes explicit references to mainstream media. Double bonus points if it's Disney princesses. Double plus bonus point if it's sleeping beauty. Ideally the text could fit nicely on a single page of a magazine. And the "good-ness" of the article isn't of utmost importance. The purpose of it is actually as a skeleton to work from in page layout design. (I know. All of my questions are about art school.)

Exclusive Spaces Primer

TheGoodBlood — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 20:01:09 -0800

I want to know more about the theory and practice of exclusive spaces for groups perceived as oppressed or subaltern, as in exclusively gay spaces, exclusively racialized spaces, trans only spaces, women only spaces, etc. I am specifically looking for:

• Texts that justify/refute the need for and efficacy of exclusive spaces (could be theory-heavy or insightful journalistic pieces, essays, blog posts, etc);
• Your personal, direct, first-hand experience.

If there's some sort of canonical literature about this, I'd love if you could point me in that direction.

[I am not interested in learning more about exclusive spaces for groups in position of power, like exclusively white spaces or spaces for men only, and so on. I am not interested in hear-say or speculative opinion]

Thanks!

But I don't have an answer to this question!

nakedmolerats — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 12:46:27 -0800

What is the history behind feminism supposedly claiming that women could "have it all"? This post on the blue has me wondering about the origin of the phrase "having it all", in relation to feminism. There have been many other posts, and plenty of popular articles, I've read that treat it as a common assumption that feminism once promised women they could "have it all", usually referring to having a career outside the home and being a wife/mother. This is often used in pieces that criticize feminism for making a false promise, or women for believing it. The connotation of it, to me, is that women or feminists are somehow greedy for wanting or expecting to have both careers and family lives.

I consider myself fairly well versed in the history of feminism, and feminist theory, yet I've never come across an actual scholarly or pop-culture feminist source that promised women they could "have it all" in those exact words. Certainly, feminism told women they could pursue careers outside the home, and that they could do this and still be good mothers and spouses, but I have never read any feminist source that promised this would be easy and you would never have to make any hard decisions about balancing work and family life.

So where did the particular phrase "having it all" in this context originate? Was it originally used by critics of feminism, distorting what feminism actually said women could do? Or is there actually some feminist source that once claimed that women can "have it all?"

Untitled AskMetafilter Post, No. 54

victory_laser — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 19:29:21 -0800

My feminist friend is not familiar with Cindy Sherman's work. Is there a particularly awesome way to introduce her? There's lots of her photographs up online. I'm looking for something with a little pizzazz that explains what her work is about. Criticism, articles, videos, books encouraged.

Is Bitch Magazine appropriate reading for a 13 year old girl?

plantbot — Wed, 28 Nov 2012 17:48:09 -0800

I recently re-subscribed to Bitch magazine, partly with the idea that my almost 13-year-old daughter would benefit from the content. Now I'm having second thoughts. Mefites, do you consider Bitch Magazine appropriate reading material for a smart, mature (emotionally, not physically) girl of that age? I really like the feminist critique of the media and other messages our culture sends girls and women, but the ads for sex toys and some of the more overtly sexual content seem like they might be a bit much, especially for a girl who hasn't even had her period yet. We have a good relationship and I try to keep the lines of communication as open as possible, but I know she'd never willingly discuss ads for sex toys with me if they freaked her out or she was curious about them, though I'd be perfectly comfortable with that conversation. I'm her dad, if that matters.

Any and all thoughts are much appreciated!

Help me find a scholarly book about Women and their experiences with the current Healthcare System?

pandorasbox — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 12:45:25 -0800

Help me find a more recent book about issues surrounding women and the healthcare field, and issues surounding the field in general in terms of the attitude that medical professionals are almost superhuman, and the authoritarian attitude of doctors. I'm currently reading 'vaginal politics' by Ellen Frankfort. It explores the relationship between women and the healthcare field. The book is fantastic. Unfortunately it was written in 1972. Some of the more terrifying aspects of the female experience are, thankfully, much improved. However, I am amazed by how much of me experiences are still so similar to so long ago. I feel like women (and patients in general) are often treated as objects vs agents, subordinates instead of equals, children instead of adults. I'm looking for a scholarly book written more recently that critiques the health system, particularly from the experience of women. I'm not looking for books that suggest natropathy or alternative medicines, just a critique of the authoritarian style of the health system, and women's experience. Bonus if it deals with TGBLQ issues, though I would rather it not be the main focus.

What are examples of the most obvious inequalities between men and women today, in the UK and internationally?

Cantdosleepy — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 04:07:13 -0800

What are examples of the most obvious inequalities between men and women today, in the UK and internationally? I am setting up a website that hopes to promote the term ‘feminism’ as a pluralistic, divergent, multi-branched movement. The goal is to make more people comfortable describing themselves as feminists. A particular focus would be people who broadly support equality between the sexes, but might be uncomfortable describing themselves as feminists, due to the extensive stereotyping of feminists in the media (and society in general) as male-hostile single issue fanatics.

I want the site to have a series of statements in the main body area of the homepage. These statements should be about the most obvious inequalities and violence against women, statements that people would in overwhelming number oppose, even if they might be wary of describing themselves as feminists . For example:

“Female Genital Mutilation is carried out in over 25 countries across the world, often without anaesthesia by a person with no medical training.”

The idea is then to have the visitor choose [I am happy with this state of affairs] or [This is not acceptable]. If they click on the first option, another statement is shown with another statement. If they click on the second button, then a short section of the site loads telling them that regardless of the steps they think people should take to reduce/eliminate the activity in the statement, they are a feminist. It then links to other pages about the inclusive nature of the term ‘feminist’ and how the should feel happy using it to describe themselves.

So I am looking for statements like the one above, that the vast majority of people would agree are totally unacceptable.

This is a UK-based focussed site, so within-UK issues are particularly appreciated.

[If you have problems with my methodology, or the whole plan, or even want to help(!), please MeMail me rather than commenting below. Thanks!]

Feminism or bust

kettleoffish — Tue, 30 Oct 2012 22:50:43 -0800

Boyfriend is not a feminist. I am. We don't see things eye to eye and we have long disagreements about it. Is this healthy? My boyfriend and I are in a relationship dynamic that I find very toxic. At the same time, it's somewhat ubiquitous, and at least we're discussing it.

I have more feminist beliefs than he does. I see these as important personally, professionally, at the level of the family, and at the level of micro-interactions in society. Because of being really interested in women, I have done extensive research on topics like rape and domestic violence.

My boyfriend's world is totally different. Sometimes when we discuss them for like 2 hours, he can roughly understand by analogy what I'm talking about when I say rape jokes aren't funny, or that a portrayal of women in the media is "hostile." But for the most part, he thinks I'm reading into everyday life dynamics that aren't there.

A typical example of how we would disagree would be:

-We're talking about Richard Pryor (within 5 minutes of waking up Saturday morning). He says, "there was this one fan of Richard Pryor he got involved with and she got so angry one time, he thought she was going to beat her up and so he beat her up instead. That's so ironic."

Me: (skeptical) Why would a fan beat him up?
He: I dunno, I mean maybe she was crazy. Anyhow it was fine because he got out of jail.
Me: ... That's fine from his perspective but not from the fan's.
He: Well I guess I'm more open minded because to me the story would be exactly the same if the fan were a man. I don't think there's a difference between male/male and male/female violence.
Me: I just don't like the story.
He: Why? But that doesn't make any sense!!

We also talk often about sexual assault, especially topics like Tosh.O's recent rape jokes and about the topic of whether "feminism" is an extreme or a moderate position. I'm often in a position of defending my beliefs.

In addition, when we talk about gender in art, he is sometimes sympathetic. But he says things like novels about relationships (like most of the novels I read) are not "objective" enough to be true art. We then begin a 2 hour conversation about what objectivity means. I find this frustrating. I would rather be talking about novels by women specifically and the themes in them than talking about women as a category but he just lacks this specialized knowledge.

From an intellectual point of view it's frustrating to me because I feel like there is a lot of what I value that I simply have to explain to him. And maybe I'm jealous because ultimately, his point of view is much more "moderate" than mine. I come off looking like a malcontent just for stating my opinion a lot of the time.

We continue these conversations because basically once they get started, they go to a very deep place very quickly, and a point at which we both find it very very difficult to step away. But there is some doubt to me about whether they are constructive or just deeply toxic. I have told him just not to bring up topics relating to gender, especially gendered violence anymore.

Is this a toxic discussion, or one that is worth having between men and women in a relationship?

Wait, I'll take the blue pill!

ista — Tue, 30 Oct 2012 10:15:03 -0800

Within the last year, I've come to consider myself a feminist. I haven't felt this impassioned by anything in a long time. But my new perspective doesn't mesh well with coworkers and friends, and I'm constantly aware of things that never used to bother me. How can I cope with the frustration? I am a 20-something female who studied and now works in a very predominantly male field. I've always felt I could be one of the guys; I'm pretty outspoken and my personality fits in well where I work.

I grew up distancing myself from my female-ness and frankly resenting women and their associated stereotypes. I've always had female friends and roommates, but they were the "exceptional" ones. I used to be the girl that said "guy friends are just so much easier!"

Earlier this year I got turned onto Ariel Levy's Female Chauvenist Pigs and it completely changed my perspective. That book, coupled with the influence of some strong female coworkers, made me realize that I do not want to be "one of the guys" anymore.

I've since read some other books, most notably The Feminine Mystique, and also picked up some blogs (Feministing, Feministe.us, Jezebel).

It's been enlightening to find this missing piece of myself. It's like someone turned on a lightswitch. I finally have the vocabulary to describe my experiences, but my life hasn't changed. Now almost every day I'm fuming over some incidence of sexism. It's like I've been given a sixth sense for it, and I can't shut it off.

Outside of work, my guy friends still crack chauvinist jokes. Some of them are downright hostile when I mention feminism. It never used to bother me if my SO went to a strip club on occasion--hell, sometimes I would go with. He's been wonderfully willing to listen to my rants, but I don't expect him to read Feminism 101 and swear off Hooter's either. (Although more and more I think I would like it if he did.)

My question is twofold: one, how do I cope with friends, co-workers in real life and let them know that {sexist word, remark, behavior} is not okay, even if I used to be cool with it? When do I just keep my mouth shut?

The second question: how do I reduce the frustration I feel when I recognize the sexist bullshit going on around me (that everybody else thinks is A-okay! "Why are you being so sensitive?") Mantras, mindsets, online resources... I would especially love any feminist blogs with a positive slant or humor that don't leave me feeling angry and combative with the kinds of people I interact with daily.

Parenting and Privilege

soonertbone — Sat, 15 Sep 2012 10:37:32 -0800

Asking for a friend: any one know of popular (or scholarly) books/articles on raising feminist children that might give more than a nod to boys? Bonus points for sources that might help to navigate other forms of privilege that the newborn son has been born into.

Unwilling threesome

cakebatter — Fri, 31 Aug 2012 11:16:13 -0800

My boyfriend has been sneaking porn into bed to secretly look at while having sex with me (pictures on cell phone while behind me). He has been doing this for a year. How do I deal with my resulting body issues and how do we repair intimacy? I am a 27 year old woman. He is a 39 year old man. We are living together and otherwise our relationship is incredibly loving and we are committed to working through this issue. I found out about two weeks ago (during sex, I finally reached around and grabbed his cell phone). We have only been intimate once since, and it was.. fraught with terrible insecurity for me.

I don't mind porn as long as it doesn't effect our sex life. However, I am dealing with some residual anger and shame. I have always had body insecurity issues and this really piqued it. I feel like he was using my body to masturbate into and I would like sex to be between the two of us and not about using me as a sex toy for his pleasure. I feel like my body is not good enough for him to be aroused by. I'm trying not to dwell on these thoughts but I feel very violated by what he (non-consensually) did.

I feel a flash of shame and a very physical reaction (that feeling in the pit of my stomach) when I see have seen objectified women in the last two weeks (such as cheerleaders, etc). I feel a little resentment towards my boyfriend for being the privileged sex in a misogynist culture. He is listening to my thoughts, but it is hard to know that he will always have one-up on me in this way.

Some of the things we have considered to get over this: Taking a porn break to clear his mind; having less sex so it is fun for both of us when it happens; not watching sexually exploitative media for a while and focusing on going to the gym/making music/other projects for a while.

What are some concrete steps that I can do to help me feel like I am fine the way I am? How can I enjoy sex again without feeling inferior to porn?
What are some steps that he can do to help him be in the moment when we are having sex?

How can I best use social media to promote women in computer science on campus?

CrystalDave — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 17:34:55 -0800

I'm newly in charge of social media for my campus' Women in Computer Science group. What should I do to be the best at this? I've been handed a Facebook page admin-ship and a Twitter account. I already know to have anything that the group is doing posted, but what else should I post? Would things like a 'weekly historical fact' blurb be beneficial, or would it more likely be seen as fluff?
Also, beyond what I post, what else should I keep in mind, and are there other things I could do in order to help out the group & group goal as much as possible?

(I already make sure to keep a relatively quiet/functional role in the group, so as to make sure that I don't overshadow anyone, though of course it's something I'm always working to be more mindful of.)

Should twitter be for more than following hot women?

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Jul 2012 16:46:25 -0800

I'm bothered that my friend follows mostly hot girls on twitter; how do I deal with this? Question pretty much says it all. I hate that this is a thing, but it is. I'm a woman, my friend is a man. We've gotten to be increasingly close, to the point where he says things like I know him better than anyone else and he tells me things he doesn't tell other people and so on. I don't feel like he knows me that well. We go through periods of intense, contant contact that then drops off. We've fooled around. He lives far enough away that I don't see him all the time, but close enough that if I wanted to I could see him any given day. I had really liked him at one point-he does have his good points-but now especially I am put off. This is all just context for the friendship.

I do not have a Twitter account. He does. I do read his from time to time and today I clicked on his "following" tab for the first time. He is following nearly 1000 people and most of them are hot women. 10 or 12 hot, young women in a row before another type of account and then it's another dozen women. Repeat. This really, really bothers me, to the point where I am put off and don't really want to see him now. I don't know if I should say something or not. I am a hardcore feminist--I will not even date someone who watches mainstream porn--and this has really changed how I view him. BUT! Maybe I'm overreacting. I don't know if I should say anything or if I should just stop having any contact with him. If I say something, I am pretty sure it would make him mad. He has a short temper and I don't really have any basis to criticize his behavior; we are not in a relationship (and I do not want to be) and I think it might just seem weird that I was looking at who he follows on twitter and disapproving of it. Most of these women are not following him, so I guess he searches out hot women and then adds them.

We've had some arguments in the past regarding gender issues (he will make infuriating blanket statements about women wanting men to buy them things and how women treat him so badly) so I don't think I'm too far off the mark to think that having a list of mostly hot women in his twitter is indicative of him valuing women for looks more than anything. I can't quite articulate it but I am really exasperated right now.

Please don't give me any answers about how men are programmed to look at hot women and that I need to get over that. This is not a helpful answer at all and I don't think it's an excuse. I want to know whether I should say anything to him about it, what I should say, if I should bother salvaging the friendship or not, and insights into why this might or might not be okay. Thanks.

Can I be a lech and a feminist?

scaryblackdeath — Tue, 19 Jun 2012 12:08:24 -0800

Can a hyper-sexed, promiscuous man also be a good feminist? I keep wondering if this is worth asking, and I've come to my own conclusions on it, but I'm also constantly bothered by the question of "what am I blindly not considering here?" I'm asking in part as part of a writing exercise, but I wonder about this in ordinary life, too.

I've got a character in a story who's a nice, moral, honest guy who has the good fortune (or is it...?) to have women just throw themselves at him, and he has a hard time saying no. He's surrounded by enablers (like his fully-aware girlfriend) and conditions usually leave his logical arguments for refusal in tatters, leaving him vulnerable to his own libido. It gets lampshaded--it's ridiculous, and he knows it, and suspension of disbelief is already high in the story (fantasy piece, there's magic & such)--but despite that silly premise, I'm still trying to make his attitude realistic. He's no brain-dead frat boy.

FWIW, I don't think sex addiction applies here; he's concerned about his frequent inability to say no, but he's always up front about his conditions, relationship status, etc. Dishonesty is rarely at issue. He respects women for their brains, character, ability, etc., so it's not that... or can you have that dual attitude of "I respect women" and "I'll screw anything in a skirt?"

Is there a piece I'm not seeing here?

Feminism 101

MaryDellamorte — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 15:14:27 -0800

Feminism 101: I had a visceral reaction to a link a friend of mine posted and I was too enraged to clearly address his ignorance. Here's the link in question. He's usually a pretty respectful and well meaning guy but he said he didn't see what was so wrong about what the guy said. So I'm looking for some links to good resources that address everything that's wrong about the website in question. Thanks everyone!