Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with feelings

Unblocking the emotional dam - slowly!

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 08:30:12 -0800

How can I make space for my emotions and feel safe letting myself feel them? I've recently started seeing a psychologist, who pointed out last week that despite being female, I have a very "masculine" way of dealing with things - or rather, not dealing with them. I hadn't actually noticed until she said it, but my entire life I've kind of shut off any "weak" emotions - even as a child I only cried once in primary school - and tried to just be stoic about things. I used to think this was a good thing but I'm beginning to realise it's not really helping me. I am now in recovery for an eating disorder which for a long time I didn't even realise I had, and now that I am not using starvation as a coping method, I'm aware that a lot of painful stuff is bubbling just beneath the surface and it's going to have to come out some time but I'm afraid to go there - meanwhile, I'm getting bouts of depression etc. A year ago I left a very unhealthy relationship totally heartbroken and destroyed. I tried to deal with this in the way a guy would (never speak of it again + conquests) but I know it's just a temporary measure and I'm STILL not over it. All the hurtful things in my life I've always just acted like they didn't affect me and belittled with jokes if anyone asked. But underneath I feel like something is broken inside me and I'm too scared to touch it in case I fall right apart. I have trouble sleeping and lots of bad dreams. I know I have to face this but my therapist appointments are a week apart.

I'm looking for any tips on how to go about this (I have tried journalling and writing unsent letters but am looking for other ideas, especially for when it's dark and quiet and these thoughts start to come up) - just blocking it out and trying to hurriedly move on with my life doesn't seem to be working anymore but I don't want to get "stuck" in this stuff either. Meditation techniques or something might be good. Maybe if I can set aside a half hour each day or something? There are some things that I almost start to think about but then it feels like putting my hand back in a fire that burnt me once so I quickly change the subject in my head. What would happen if I allow myself to go there? Should I? Can one really "process" past hurt or is it masochistic to revisit it in your head? Is it necessary?

What's worked for you? How do you process really painful stuff? Were you scared that you'd lose yourself in the grief? Is it a good or bad idea to talk to people (friends) about this stuff or better to just continue to pretend to be ok? Anecdotes and advice appreciated!

I want an orthogonal basis for feelings

jewzilla — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 22:49:39 -0800

What are the most basic feelings, from which all others are composed? By this I mean that some feelings are combinations of other feelings (e.g., melancholy is a combination of sadness, thoughtfulness, listlessness, etc.), whereas others are unrelated (if you feel loving, you don't feel angry, for instance). What a smallest collection of feelings which could be combined to create all possible feelings? Has this been studied? Or is the premise false?

Rekindling a flame that has burnt out.

blackcatcuriouser — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:55:49 -0800

Is this settling? Where are those heartpangs I should be feeling? I was in a relationship with my ex for 3 years. We'd been best friends for 5 years before dating. In many ways, we're a great match and a great team. We care about each other, we have great conversations, we make the same kinds of jokes, we like lots of the same things, we have good sexual chemistry. But our relationship fizzled out. We both got too comfortable and bored with each other and didn't feel happy or excited with our relationship anymore. We had difficulty communicating our feelings and needs and neither of us really worked to change things. We broke up mutually and amicably. No animosity, no fighting. We've remained friends.

I've spent my single time meeting new people, spending more time with old friends, and casually dating. I've met some perfectly nice, interesting guys. Even had some sexy times. It's been fun being free to see whomever I choose and feeling desired by new men, but I haven't felt a serious connection to any of them and it's all been pretty superficial. I often find myself thinking about my ex - how comfortable and easy it is being with him, how we know each other so well, how we have so much in common, how we enjoy each other's company and love each other. (What more would a person want?)

We've been broken up for about 8 months now, and over dinner one night recently he expressed a desire to get back together. Since we've been broken up for a while, getting back together wasn't necessarily on my agenda and I didn't expect it was something he wanted either. He's been on my mind constantly throughout our breakup, but I really felt a sense of finality when we ended it, so I started to get on with my life for my own sanity. But since he brought up wanting to try over again, I've been seriously considering working through things with him too.

However, there's something missing. Logically, on paper, we make sense. We could work things out, our problems were never insurmountable. We're very compatible and we care about each other deeply. But I feel like I'm missing a sense of urgency, of excitement about starting anew. I feel like I'm supposed to have this intense and passionate desire to be with him, this "can't be without you" feeling, the way I did when our relationship was new. And I just don't feel it.

I've chalked it up to having been broken up for awhile, that I'd started to accept the situation for what it was, got used to being on my own and focusing on myself. I've also chalked it up to the fact that after our breakup, we never really got a chance to miss each other's presence - we still saw each other once a week (we have lots of mutual friends), still talked on the phone weekly and, admittedly, got physical a couple of times - so that feeling of desperate longing/horrible missing never had a chance to materialize. Some friends have said that maybe this means I'm not "IN love" with him anymore and that I'd be settling if we reunited, that instead of sticking with what I know is good and nice and comfortable, I should seek out something that's great, that I should hold out for that teenage feeling...but I'm not sure I trust that feeling either, as it is known to fade. I've thought about taking some time to not see each other or speak, as sort of a test...though I'm not sure what it would accomplish.

Can we get back together if this feeling is missing? (and where the hell is it?!) Am I placing too much importance on it? I want so badly to rekindle the flame that once burned so brightly between us...but can I force it?

Do you want to destroy strong women?

adamfaux — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 11:19:02 -0800

Is the inclination to "destroy strong women" common among men? I have a friend who has done a lot of therapy and who has realised that he has a desire to "destroy strong women," which he claims is quite normal among men. I have never heard any friends of mine say this before (I would count myself among "strong women" and I would count his female friends in this category, too). This is an intelligent, emotionally honest person in an artistic field.

I wonder if such a person would actually (subconsciously?) act on such a desire, or if knowing it would prevent him from doing this. Obviously this is not something a person who doesn't know the individual can answer, so my question to the community is: Is this a common feeling among men? Or would you take this comment to be somewhat startling, as I did?

Paisley Park is in your heart

milarepa — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 12:50:53 -0800

Do you have a soft heart? How did you get one? I really want a "soft heart." It's a little poetic, I know, but I can't think of a better way to express it. You meet those people with a soft heart and you just...know. They are inviting, non-judgmental, and just love very purely.

There is nothing better in this world than a soft heart. Do you have one? How did you get it? Were you born with it? Was it a conscious development?

I used to have a softer heart, I think. And I can remember times when my heart was very soft. A few years ago I had these surgeries and basically felt like I was dying. My heart became so soft. I wanted it to stay like that so badly. It sort of scabbed over though. Is there anyway to get it back?

Why do I feel so weird about owning this home?

gocubbies — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 16:03:25 -0800

Why do I feel so weird about owning this home? Here's the long story (as short as possible): My wife and I are both 24 and we recently bought our first house. We've been married for one year and lived together for one year before that. We've been very good savers (over 50% of each paycheck) and before purchasing the home we had very little debt (only about $8K for a car).

We did not receive any financial support from our parents (other than for undergrad tuition). What makes me feel very strange is that multiple people have commented on how large our house is and how good of a job I must have. I make a little more than $67k and my wife makes about $34k. We bought the house new and it is two stories with a finished basement and 5 bedrooms. We have no kids yet, but plan to live in this house for 30+ years and raise a family in it.

Here are a few remaining details. We paid $324k for the house with 10% down and we'll be receiving another $8k for being a first time homeowner.

Hearing people comment on the size of the house makes me feel awkward and undeserving. My take on this issue is that my wife and I saved well and didn't buy any "toys" when we finished school: no motorcycle, no flat screen TV, no boat, no nothing (with the exception of the car mentioned above). We never moved back home after school, but saved money by living in an inexpensive apartment for 2+ years. I finished college a semester early, too.

My job pays well, but not extremely well like some may think. I started working for the company when I was 20 and have had two promotions and two raises.

Am I right in justifying how we were able to afford this house or is there something I'm missing? Is it normal to feel like I don't deserve this?

Stereotypical male, or just being cautious?

Anonymous — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 09:09:26 -0800

Am I that stereotypical "afraid to commit" male, or am I just being cautious about a relationship I care about? I was talking on AIM with a friend of mine, and he said I should message Jane Doe because she would enjoy this conversation. I did. That was a little over two years ago. Jane and I talk every day for at least an hour, if not more. She lives over 10 hours away from me, but after about 6 months I drove to see her. Since that time we've seen each other in person every other month, usually by plane. At this point it's been about two years, and we still talk just as much. Everything about her and about us is wonderful. Physically we get along well, emotionally we help each other out, times spent together are always filled with fun. I've even told her that a normal guy would marry her in an instant, and I completely mean that.

Some other key bits of info: I'm in my low 30s and have had 5 girlfriends. She is about 10 years younger and this is her first relationship. Both of our parents married young and divorced. Actually, both of our parents divorced several times. Jane lives at home, going to college, has grad school coming on the horizon. I lived at home until my late 20s, and am currently in my 2nd apartment.

After all this, we currently are not "boyfriend & girlfriend". I am very reluctant to call us that. We've had conversations about it, and my reasoning usually revolves around these items: 1) she will be in grad school, and I don't want a relationship tainting where she chooses to go 2) we live far apart and neither are in a position to change that 3) it would be better if my living and job status were more stable (a house, basically) 4) I worry that neither of us have enough experience with "life". I know many family and friends who got involved with a relationship/marriage too soon. Or got together (stayed together) for the wrong reasons.

In conjunction with number 4, there is a part of me that thinks she is just afraid of losing me, and not being able to find someone else. Also, I haven't been on my own for that long, so I'm afraid that if i get into a steady relationship I'll turn into one of those grumpy guys pining for the days of being single. While I don't go to bars or actively seek out people, I do like the idea of being flirty with waitresses, or just friends in general, just because it's fun. I certainly wouldn't want anything sexual with anyone else, but I would think that playfulness would stop once we dated.

A lot of comedians and sitcoms focus on a guy being "afraid to commit". Am I that stereotypical male, or am I just being cautious? I love her, and only want the best for her and us.

Ready to retake control of my life.

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 05:34:19 -0800

How can I retake control of my life and achieve my hopes and dreams with a clean slate? I'm not sure really where to start, but I thought this would be the best place to get some advice from people that seem to be in touch with issues of everyday people. Apologies for the length, I have a lot on my mind.

I guess my main issue is I feel like I'm on the verge of a total meltdown. I have been trying to resolve feeling this way for a while, but I'm afraid if I don't let someone know it will be much harder to fix this in the future.
I'm apart of an organization where therapy and things of that nature is frowned upon, so I'm going to try and avoid it entirely.

Lately I have been in sort of a emotional slump. To most people I'm a very happy, carefree person, but inside I just don't have the will to accomplish things anymore. It has reached a point where I'm thinking about just giving up and settling in the situation that I'm in. I have big hopes and dreams to be successful, but my peers and environment don't really give me the motivation I need to pursue these aspirations. I'm constantly surrounded by people that are wasting so much potential and I have started to adapt these habits. I don't want to be this way and I feel like there is nobody around me to turn to.

Most of my "friends" are mainly focused on just partying and having a good time. Nobody wants to do anything and I feel like there is nobody to relate to. I currently live by myself and it doesn't help that I rarely hear from my parents like I used to. They used to be my main source of inspiration and motivation, but now it seems like they don't care. It feels like I don't have anyone to talk to, so I spend countless hours in my room doing absolutely nothing. I think I'm a very intelligent person, but lately I have just been procrastinating on everything that I know I need to accomplish, but I will find every excuse to avoid it. Especially if it involves my personal goals.

Deep down I want to be more productive and I want to be more content with my environment, but it is hard. I'm not happy with my current job, but the organization I'm apart of is vital to achieving these goals I have. Mainly, completing my degree, so I can't leave and do something else. Once I earn my degree I can move on to bigger and better things.

I just want to have some people in my life that can motivate me and just be there when I need someone to depend on. I'm the type of person that people come to when they need help, but when I need someone, there is nobody to be found. I can't keep pretending like everything is alright when I feel like my world is in shambles. I just want someone to genuinely care and not focus on my shortcomings. I don't think that is so much to ask for.

I just want some advice on ways I can get back to my normal self and take charge of my life and accomplish the things I set out to do. I know it may seem like I'm being lazy or complaining. I'm sorry, but I guess I really don't know what is wrong with me. I'm trapped in a place where I barely know anyone and I have had issues of abandonment in my past and it feels like history is repeating once more. Please, anyone just whatever advice or anything that can benefit me, I'm all ears.

I created an e-mail account for anyone that wants to discuss further. AskMeFi687 at Gmail.com. Thanks

Do they really know?

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 08:23:08 -0800

Will my inappropriate crush know? How do I keep it hidden? I've had a good female friend for 10 years (I'm a guy). We were just normal part-of-a-group friends for a long time. I really never felt any chemistry between us, although, admittedly, she's never much of a flirt, (ok, she basically cannot flirt at all), especially for a beautiful woman. I appeared to be the only guy in our group that did not have a secret crush on her.

About two years ago, we got into a little spat that was basically her fault. It wasn't a big deal, but somehow festered into us not talking for two months.

Eventually I ran into her on the street and she apologized for not calling me about the "incident." I said no problem and we hung out with our group of friends without incident a few days later. Things seemed totally normal.

She was looking for a job on the other side of the country and soon found it. In the two months she had left in our city, she started wanting to hang out with me a lot, and seemed to want to avoid group things and just do stuff me and her. I thought nothing of it, until she specifically requested that her and I go to dinner "just the two of us" a few days before she was going to leave. I suddenly got the distinct impression she was crushing on me and hoping maybe I would do something. I didn't really feel that way about her, despite the fact that she's objectively better looking than me. I think the lack of my interest involved her being somewhat cooler and less passionate than the "difficult type" I find myself generally attracted to.

When she arrived in her new place on the opposite coast, she started calling me twice a week. I rarely called her back, as I'm not much of a phone person. This continued for six months. I didn't think much of it until I learned that she was really not calling anyone else in the group but me, including female friends who I thought she was much closer to. I started to get the feeling she was crushing on me again. Several of the male friends we share started making comments that she had a crush on me. I discounted their statements because she's tall and is practically obsessed with tall guys and I'm shorter than her. I also learned that while we weren't talking, she was asking all our friends what she should do about the "incident" and was apparently pretty upset about us not talking.

At some point during these calls, I started teasing her about calling me all the time and wondered aloud how I became her best friend. She laughed about it and more or less admitted it was true. (She's not my best friend by far, but a good friend nonetheless).

I must admit I enjoyed the attention, without being intersted on my own side.

After a year, the calls slowed down a bit due to a lot going on with her, down to once a week. Through this whole period, we had talked about me coming out for a visit, as I have other friends in the area. Other members of the group went and visited her, but despite her request, I didn't come because I had a family event.

A few weeks ago, she started calling again relatively frequently. She has begun talking about moving back to where I live, which is the world center of what she does for a living. She states repeatedly that she misses her friends here and how great these friends are. We had also been discussing me coming out to visit her and my other friends.

During one of those calls, as she was laughing at my jokes, I suddenly felt attracted to her.

I have been upset about this since I felt this way and have felt crushing feelings towards since that time. Suddenly I care who is calling and when and feel upset if she doesn't return my call when I would like it. I think about her in sexual contexts and she is my distraction of choice. She has nothing going on with any guys, as usual.

Recently when I started to finalize my plans, she found out that she had been accepted for a volunteer trip and asked that I postpone a month so she could take extra time off and we could go to her parents cabin. I agreed.

Since that time I've been pretty wound up about the whole thing. I am concerned about spending time with her as I am pretty sure she isn't into me in that way, especially because of the height thing, which is pretty important to her.

I am concerned that I will not be able to hide my new, different feelings for her and that she will "know" that I like her and I will be upset. I don't want to feel rejected and I wish I wasn't having these feelings and want things to go back to where they were before. My fear is increased by the fact that we will be spending what appears to be a lot of "alone time" at her parent's cabin.

My question is two-fold: Will she know I am now crushing on her? and is there anyway that I can hide this from her while staying out there?

thanks!

Feelin' Good

Neonshock — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 13:54:20 -0800

Do you feel feelings? I seem to have some problem feeling...well, feelings. My standard base demenor is happy and positive which I am...constantly. Which is weird. I have alot of exciting and interesting things going on right now I feel I should be feeling something about, eg. travel coming up soon; dont feel excited, nervous...anything. People Im dating...nothing again, its becoming a pain because I have to kind of imagine what i might be feeling.
People are starting to worry about me, close friends rather because I can honestly tell them what i feel, or lack thereof. With other people Im starting to guess how I should be feeling and just act that way...be it happy or sad or whatever. My friends are starting to ask me wheather I think I should see a doctor or something but I feel fine...

I dont know when this started, but after a conversation with my Mum yesterday she things I have always been quite "reserved and cold" which I agree with when it comes to emotion and feeling.

So my question is, is this just me? Does anyone else feel like this? Am I kidding myself? Should I see a doctor? Is this normal?

FYI 23 year old female, good health, no medication.

...and I feel fine

Hands of Manos — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 15:42:30 -0800

She gave me her Christmas present...a separation My wife of six years decided a separation would be in order because she's very unhappy. But she's always unhappy, it seems. She wants me to pay more attention and I try but she says it's not enough. It feels like she wants me to be a knight in shining armor 24/7...I just can't, I don't know who can. But I'm not here to vent really, I'm here to inquire about something.

She moved out and I'm completely numb. I mean I feel nothing. Not happiness, not anger, not hurt...I'm a little scared to be alone but that's it. We have a therapy session this Tuesday and I could care less about it. I figured I'd be excited to go to it and maybe make some progress but honestly? I just don't care right now.

Is it normal to be this numb and am I in store of a huge bitch slap of emotions coming my way soon? I was fine before she dropped the bomb on me the other day.

I'm confused why my girlfriend has so suddenly lost all feelings for me?

HBomb — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 16:31:15 -0800

Girlfriend has suddenly lost all feelings for me and doesn't know why. We've been dating for 2years (I'm 23, she's 21) and she recently called the day before my birthday to tell me that she's suddenly lost all feelings for me. We've been in a long distance for about a year now and we call each other everyday. I respect her and treat her very well.

She's even told me she doesn't know where it's coming from or why and she's equally frustrated as I am about it. (I know she's not cheating on me) She's had similar feelings in the past and they usually go away after a day. But this time it's been going on for 3 days.

I just don't know what to do, it's frustrating to the both of us. Has anyone else had similar situations? How did you get through it? Why does this happen? I know we're in a long distance relationship but com'on, to suddenly lose all feelings in one day for NO reason?

How to stop worrying, and move on

mrgreyisyelling — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 10:43:16 -0800

How to acknowledge my situation, without acting as though I'm apologizing for my past? I'm returning to school, for a second degree (Bachelors no MA, why in a bit) after sometime being in the real world. The process and the path that is bringing me to this seems fairly natural 'next step' in my general trajectory.

I'm fairly excited, very motivated and I feel pretty clear on my goals - but everyone around me is treating me very badly for making this choice - either openly or quietly passing judgment on me because I'm going for a second degree, as if I was finally coming to my senses and boy are they glad.

This is making me very bitter, especially at my parents - because their encouragement is this two tone support of my now and bashing my past choices. That I was once foolish and now I am no longer.

At the same time - I feel pretty certain this would never be an issue if I had just jumped right into an MA degree - which I chose not to, which I thought was wise, but people are treating me as if another Bachelors is admitting some guilt. I simply don't - not until the brought it up and started harshing my mellow.

My reason for being vague is because this isn't unique. I feel like I do it to myself as much as anyone: Damning my past for what I know now. Like "If I only paid attention in Italian class, I would know another language and I wouldn't be a dummy." I know this isn't true, because I spent that time ignoring class because I was happily chasing girls and enjoying myself in that. Probably not as long lasting - but still happily part of my education.

I didn't do any number of things because I chose this path to happiness. Despite knowing this - their views, which feed my insecurities, are wearing me out. I don't want want to toss away my past as draft 1, but this atmosphere is pretty deadly to this conviction.

My question is, how can I come to terms with this, acknowledging the choices I made, to myself and to others, without then treating it or thinking about it as a big mistake?

How can take what I know in my head with rational confidence and make it something real to me so I can stop feeling so bad about my past?

How to harden the fuck up already

Anonymous — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 21:45:43 -0800

I feel too much. Help me stop. Background: I’m middle-aged, healthy with no hormonal imbalances and non-theist. I have reasonable self-esteem. I’m not depressed (have been before, so I know the difference.) I find my overwhelming emotions make my life unpleasant. This is not new. It’s always been this way. I’ve done cognitive behaviour therapy , successfully I believe. I understand about automatic negative self talk etc. Yes, I’ve been to psychologists – they seem to think I’m fine.

Most of the time, my rational side which is saying, “okay, you’re upset about this, but it’s no big deal” can’t win over my emotional side which is saying “oh god, it hurts, make it stop.” I find myself unable to focus on my tasks, even if I’m successful in not thinking about the event that precipitated these feelings. Sometimes, I feel so bad, I want to be sick. Even after I’ve resolved the issue successfully, I have this ball of anxiety in my stomach.

For the most part, this battle remains internal. Colleagues and family usually have no idea that I’m devastated. But it affects my life in that I don’t really want to involve myself in activities that involve other people because of the risk I (my feelings) will be hurt. I also avoid (necessary) conflict and when I do engage, my internal reaction is often disproportionate to the matter.

Some things that upset me include a mildly negative review of my work, being misunderstood in a conversation, the potentiality for making someone else upset, people on askme calling me unkind things. I know it’s ridiculous. I know I’m acting like a special little snowflake. I know everybody deals with disappointment and disapproval on a daily basis without freaking out. I don’t want to be like this. I want to be able to shrug off these things, like you do. I don’t want to care. I’d rather not use drugs, if there’s any alternative.

Help me stop feeling so much. If I can’t stop it, how can I make it less intrusive?

The good, the bad, and the ugly

hadjiboy — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 02:44:09 -0800

How do you critique a friend's work, without hurting his feelings? A friend of mine showed me two of his films and asked me to give him my honest opinion. This person and I are very close, and I have no problems telling him what's going through my mind, so when he asked me to do this for him, I said sure. I told myself that I wasn't going to tell him anything if it didn't live up to my expectations (he's a very talented and gifted writer, which makes it even harder for me to not hold him up to a much higher standard), so when I saw his first movie, I was really happy that he'd done such a good job, at least in my estimation, and I let him know about it in no uncertain terms. The only problem is, I think I did the same thing with the second one, only the other way around. I didn't like it as much as the first one, and even though I knew better, I told him what I thought he could've done differently with the movie (although not in any way that might've hurt his feelings, again, in my opinion).

He was appreciative of the honesty, and I was careful not to have crossed the line too much, but I do feel like I may have done something that I shouldn't have. (He's not someone who's influenced by what other people think of him, he's very hard-headed, but he did trust me enough to ask me my opinion of what I thought of his work, and now I feel like I may have betrayed him.) Did I betray him? Was it right of me to tell him what I thought?

How do you tell a friend the truth and still be a good friend?

A word for the emotion you don't feel?

coizero — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 19:36:00 -0800

Is there a word for: expecting to feel grief or ache of conscience and then not feeling it? Synonyms for "numbness," "relief," and "surprise" aren't what I'm looking for; I need something specific. Example: In "Crimes & Misdemeanors," when the wealthy man reflects on how rapidly he was able to recover after having his mistress murdered.

Not limited to English ... a word from any language would be appreciated.

Thank you so much!

Thanks, but... um... no thanks.

bondcliff — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 08:09:53 -0800

Is there a word for when you appreciate the thought put into something (a gift, a gesture) but dislike the thing itself? Let’s say a co-worker gives you a gift. You’re touched, you weren’t expecting it, and the fact that they put the effort into doing something nice for you really means a lot. Then you open the gift and it’s a framed photo of their cat wearing boxer shorts. “oh! How… nice!”

So you sincerely appreciate the fact that they thought of you but, erm, a cat wearing boxer shorts? Really?

It doesn’t have to be a physical gift, like when someone gives you a backrub but they end up making it worse. It’s real nice that they put the effort in and all, but… ouch.

I'm looking for a word that describes this feeling. It seems to happen to me all the time.

How do you find a new best friend?

Talez — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 06:00:51 -0800

As the title says, how do you find a new best friend? Just over a year ago my ex broke up with me and ever since then I feel like I've been lost. Not only was she the love of my life but she was my best friend. She used to want to know everything about what was going on in my life, how my day was, how I was feeling and, as much as that used to annoy me, now that I'm without it I realise what I had and would now give anything to get it back.

I've been trying different approaches but nothing seems to work. Is there any way you can seed a friendship to go in that direction when you think you've found someone you can get close to and open up to? It doesn't neccessarily need to be in a romantic sense. I guess I'm just looking for a little validation as a human being now and then.

How do I help my girlfriend know what she wants?

macsigler — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 23:00:02 -0800

How do I get my girlfriend to "know her own feelings" about me? Well it's kinda weird, I'm courting this one girl who I think is really great (I'm totally in love with her), and I think she really likes me too, but is just "unsure with herself." She's talked about having "personal walls" or something like that, and we've talked about it, and the more we spend time the closer we seem to get, and I've told her my feelings for her, that I love her very dearly, but she says she doesn't want to say it back if she's not sure of herself. I agree, but would sure like to help her know what it is she's feeling!
Also, lately I've just got this overwhelming sense that I just need to kiss her, but she's mentioned in the past that she's uncomfortable kissing people unless she's practically engaged. The only real advice I've gotten from others is, "Dude, get a new girl!" but I really, really adore her and don't think I could ever find another quite like her.
So is there anything I can do or am I just a hopelessly lost romantic guy? :P

I'm in love with a man but I can't work out whether he has feelings for me or not!

jonathanstrange — Wed, 09 May 2007 06:48:32 -0800

I had a short but serious relationship with someone I'd been friends with for a while, and with whom I was in love with. Now I'm not sure if he still cares for me - even though I know nothing that prevented our relationship from working out has changed yet, or if I'm just seeing what I want to see. Much Much More Inside About a year ago, I made friends with the drummer of one of my favourite local bands here in Melbourne. I'd seen them quite a few times by that stage and my best friend had a major crush on the drummer, Wally, and had become really good friends with the guitarist Kris.

We hung out with them in the studio, and Wally (whom I'd been communicating with slightly via myspace) mentioned noticing comments from Talia to me about a boy I'd been casually seeing, and asked if I was dating him. We sat next to each other and chatted the whole night, and read the paper together, and were the only sober ones in the room. We'd communicate with a glance as we tried to hide a very drunken Talia's wine glass from her. I realised I was attracted to him and had my first suspicion that he had a thing for me.

skip a few months where our friendship had developed, and I ended up catching up with him and spending the day with him in one of the most romantic areas near Melbourne. We had fish and chips on the cliff top, walked down the pier, discussed everything under the sun, and both commented on how completely comfortable we felt with each other, that neither of us even felt the need to say anything for long periods of time, not because we had nothing to say, but because we didn't need to talk to say it.

I realised that day that I was in love for the first time, as opposed to having a crush.

at around the time I met him his second solo album came out, and he started to get big. then bigger. then bigger. then huge, and lets just say he was in the top 10 of Triple J's hottest 100 - a radio survey where people vote for their favorite songs.

I knew he liked my company, had heard from a friend that he loved spending time with me, thought the world of me, and that if he could be in a relationship he'd be in one with me.

and then in december last year we finally hooked up. he leaned over and kissed me while we were watching a movie together, and I couldn't have been happier.

Except less than a week after that (and seeing each other a few more times) he calls up and says he just can't be in a relationship at the moment. His career is what he needs to concentrate, and he can't dedicate time to a serious relationship while his career is just taking off.

I should point out at this point that Wally is someone who doesn't take sex lightly - he doesn't believe in casual sex. At all.

so we go back to being friends, and I try to hide my heartbreak.

In feb I turn up to one of the bands shows - the band isn't as well known as his solo stuff - and i turn around to see him kissing a girl, who I later find out he's been seeing for a couple of weeks.

I message him and tell him I feel like I was fed a line, and he calls back a week later to apologise, and tells me that everything he told me was the truth. that this girl lives on the other side of the country and the reason that he's pursued something with her is that he doesn't feel that it will develop into anything serious at this stage, and it's a kind of escapism. She's not just random sex, but he's not interested in a long term affair with her at this stage. he just wants to concentrate on his music and his work.

I wrote to him a few months after that, since I'd pretty much cut off all contact after I found out about the girl, and wanted him to know why I kept cancelling on invitations, and I was sick of pretending that I was fine with things. So I wrote him a letter telling him how I felt, that I was in love with him, the things I love about him, and told him I understood his position, and was trying to move on, but needed him to know.

I didn't get much of a response - but then I wasn't expecting to. He did write back that he thought my letter was beautiful and that it made him sad, and he thought it deserved more of a response.

We arranged to catch up for breakfast the next week, but in the meantime my kitten was suddenly killed, so our catch up consisted of me crying my eyes out on him, and him sitting there looking at me with his arm around me, while I sat there trying to hold the pain and tears in.

The next week I turned up to one of the bands gigs with a group of friends, and saw him there with the girl, and when he saw me the look on his face was one of pure horror.

So to cut a huge story short, (so sorry!) I know he likes me as a friend, but some of the signals I think I've received make me wonder if he cares more about me than just as someone he had a fling with once. But is this just my rampant imagination?

will knowing that he cares help me to move on?

Is it just a timing thing, or am I just a ridiculous hopeless romantic to think that there could be something in the future?

I don't believe in "The One", I believe in "The Ones", and although he is "One" if it doesn't work out with him there will be other "Ones" in the future... but I don't want to potentially lose out on something amazing I could have with him.

Is this naive and stupid of me?

Is this real?

Brachiosaurus — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 20:56:03 -0800

I need help people. I'm very interested in some research about antidepressants and about how they inhibit love and feelings. There are many articles about this online but I'm having trouble finding any corroborating evidence from other researchers (everything that I've found lists Dr. Helen Fisher of Rutgers as the source). I'm also interested in any research that disputes this, other than that from the drug companies themselves, obviously. Is there anyone out there that understands these brain science things that can explain this?
I'm also interested in any experiences with this sort of thing that some of you may have had. If so, how did you get through it?
This is one of the many articles that mentions it. A google search will bring up a lot more if you are interested.

How to define relationships post-marriage?

psyward — Fri, 21 Jul 2006 09:05:26 -0800

How can I define my feelings, having a small field of reference? Throughout high school I never really had any friends, and when I did, I usually latched on to them, and it was an exclusive relationship.

So far, I've been in the same relationship for 5 years, and married for 1 year.

It's come to the point where I've developed an infatuation with one of the coffee staff across the way. If I was confronted with the chance to fling with her, I would more than likely deny it with consideration for my wife and relationship.

I honestly don't know what it is that I'm feeling, but I do like it. It's happened before, and I'm always reluctant to act upon said feelings for fear of what might happen.

My question is, are these feelings I tend to develop for random people something to be afraid of while in a marriage, or are they normal feelings that one should have with a close friend? How should I act? If it comes to this, how common is an open-source-marriage?

(my first post, be gentile)

You know, because you just don't want the book to be over so soon.

honeydew — Fri, 14 Apr 2006 18:30:41 -0800

Does any language have a word or phrase for the feeling of sorrow one experiences upon finishing a really good book?

How do I tell her to lose some weight?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 Feb 2006 06:20:16 -0800

How do I tell my girlfriend that I am not physically attracted to her since she put on some weight? Basically, this girl is my best friend and lover and has been for quite some time. We have always overcome obstacles in our relationship. Lately, though, I find that I am just not physically attracted to her since she has developed somewhat of a gut. I've tried being supportive, but as a man who constantly receives jokes based on how it appears he is not eating, I find it hard to practice what I preach. Just how to I tell her, without hurting her feelings, that she's just not attractive the way she is right now? I can't stand to see the hurt in her eyes if I don't say it the right way. Sorry for posting anon., but she pokes her nose around here sometimes.

My girlfriend hates my friends

azure — Tue, 20 Sep 2005 16:48:56 -0800

Here's the background. My girlfriend is from the republic of Ireland. I am antipodean. We both live in the United Kingdom. I am 33, partially sighted (although I lead a very main-stream life and have no disabled friends). I say the part about me being partially sighted because I believe it's a big part of what has made me ME and given me a slightly odd-shaped perspective compared to mainstream western society. My gf is 36. Our relationsip is about 18 months old and seems to suddenly be coming apart. Two main parts of this seem to be 1) the fact that she seems completely unable to discuss / articulate her feelings or accept any kind of responsibility for them and 2) she appears to be trying to drive my friends away. To the unsuspecting, this may seem like an obvious case of incompatibility. It is however similar to what hapened in my previous relationship of five years. The question: I want to know if anyone else has had the same experience and if so and if they managed to drag things off the rocks, how they worked with their partner to go about it? Some more background perhaps to help you answer?: My gf told me point blank a few weeks ago that my friends were rude and that we would no longer be able to see them. Obviously, I rebelled and an argument ensued. A flimsy compomise has been reached where she has agreed (after I told her that not seeing my friends anymore was completely out of the question) to give them another try. The relationship has sustained significant damage now though after that debacle.

Now, there do appear to be differences in our groups of friends which on the surface may point to incompatibility between the two of us. Her friends although they claim to be Irish through and through - stereotypically cheerful, generous of nature and in tune with their emotions (STEREOTYPICALLY ANYWAY) - were in the main brought up in England and from what I can see have inherited what I believe (from 7 years of living there and observing the people as an outsider) to be British repression (or reservedness or prudishness or whatever you like to call it). i.e. discussion of subjects concerning the act of sex, the bathroom etc are off limits even (it seems) to couples in private. Discussions of ones feelings are almost as taboo, especially between men (though most of the western world suffers from that despite how modern we think we are?). On the other hand, (not necessarily speaking for my culture but maybe just my crowd), my friends and I can / will talk about anything and everything very frankly. We also have a tendency to say what we think and assume familiarity after knowing people for only a little while (and expect the same in return).

So my gf thinks my friends are rude and cruel (she frequently mis-understands our senses of humour I think) whereas although I am not nearly as passionately judgmental and hateful as her, I find her friends to be a little on the boring side and a little 'unfriendly' and standoffish since all they'll really talk about when I'm present is 'the weather' even after what is to me 'all this time' knowing them.

We have still more issues in that her 'clock' is ticking. Whereas I'm not even sure if I want a child at all let alone in the next couple of years. I think when I'm ready to have a kid, it will be more a case of "I don't mind one way or the other" than "Oh I'm so desperate to pro-create". But that's fine. If it gets to that point, I'm sure the new person will bring me joy I never knew was possible etc etc if and when it finally does come and I have no problem with the fact that I may be missing out on that joy now - too many things to do with my life before I'll be ready for children. I have also been honest with her on this count right from the outset. And she's been honest with me about her intentions too.

I think I'm quite a 'self-examined' character - I know myself fairly well and I'm not all sqeamish (in a red-neck male kind of way) about having an emotional side. I've done a patch of therapy (baggage from being a partially sighted kid I guess) and I think about my feelings and search my soul as a matter of course. I like to talk about my feelings and other peoples' with them. I find these things interesting. My gf on the other hand pretty much blames the first external cause of her bad feelings she can tie them to. Everything is therefore typically 'my fault' as I'm usually the closest by when an emotional catastrophe occurs. I'm sure SOMETIMES it is. But come on, around 5 times a week now (I'm not anal but I have gotten so desperate as to feel the need to count), there is a four to six hour sulk where I've done something (I know not what!) and instead of telling me what it is (despite my trying to console and plead for an answer and forgiveness), she just lets me suffer as long as she wants then decides to snap out of it when she wants.

Discussion of ALL of the above 'in times of peace' just makes her 'slam the door on me' and cut up rough again and accuse me of not loving her anymore and further sulking ensues etc etc. I.e. she will brook no criticism. Furthermore, she denies these sulks even happen.

The only thing that makes me wonder whether the relationship isn't truly over is he fact that I had almost the exact feelings of frustration and wanting to escape the relationship and thinking it was hopeless with my ex (obviously about different 'practical' things but the feelings were the same).

So as you can see, the rocks are very sharp and the water is very shallow and the waves are crashing over them.

I have tried everything. Wondering if everything really IS my fault and trying to change - but I just started getting depressed and after all we are who we are, reassuring her that I love her in case she is just feeling insecure - but she just laps up the attention and it all goes to pot again as soon as I stop, reasoning with her - but she won't listen to reason, EVEN IGNORING HER in case that's 'just how the Irish culture expresses itself'. But nothing works. I'm unhappy in the relationship and I would like to make it work (though that's fading by the day) and just can't see where the punches are coming from anymore. Help!

AFTERTHOUGHT: Many of my friends enquire as to the state of our sex life. Well, although I think a bad sex life is generally more a symptom than a cause, here it is for completeness in case it gives you some clue - The sex was never great. She is a 'lights out, no noise, missionary only' girl who accepts but will never give oral sex (one of my favourites to receive and a close second is giving) and she doesn't (and never did) kiss with her mouth open (sometimes a little but generally just touching lips only). To be honest, I have always wondered why that might be as most people I have kissed seem to enjoy lips, tongues, teeth'n' all, same as I do. But to be honest I'm not that bothered about the whole sex thing as long as the relationsip and friendship are good (you can't have everything in life). It would be nice if she would be a bit more kinky but it's not a biggie. RIGHT NOW however, the sex life is crap because I can't bring myself to have sex with someone I'm hurt by and angry with all the time. And this of course is exacerbating the situation because she now feels rejected. Best I can do is do it from behind with little preamble and no eye contact on a Saturday morning and consider my job done (OK, that last bit was partially a joke and a very useless male solution to a much deeper problem I know but you get the picture).