Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with fears

How to address recurring doubts about a long-term relationship

Anonymous — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 13:27:04 -0800

In serious, long-term relationships, how have you dealt with nagging doubts? How have you sorted through those doubts and then either set them aside and committed yourself, or decided to end things? The question is about decision-making, getting out of ruts and cycles, and discerning what's real out of a set of mixed feelings.

I'm 30 and female, and I'm in a four-year relationship that is generally sweet, solid, and good. I love him a lot, we share lots of values, and sometimes I daydream about us getting married and having children. But I also have this nagging feeling that though things aren't bad, they're not good either -- that we're not close in certain ways I want to be, that I might be happier in another situation, and that because of being with him, I might be unhappy and lonely in low-grade ways.

Here's how the cycle of doubt looks. We'll be going along happily until something small will happen that sets off some doubts.¹ For two or three days I'll try to suppress them as my internal worries grow.² I'll feel increasingly afraid that I've been living in denial about problems. I'll have a heart-sinking feeling that maybe we shouldn't be together and think "how can I be serious about this relationship when _____?"³ Then I'll talk to him about the issue,⁴ and we'll resolve to try to improve it somehow. With that out in the open and hopefully on the road to improvement, I'll feel closer to him, and we'll get back into our daily groove for the next three weeks or so, until this happens again.
1. eg, at a wedding, I’ll enjoy talking with the other people more than with him
2. eg, I’ll think about the frustrations I know I have with our conversations (interruptions, him not really paying attention), and then I'll start to think about what all that might add up to
3. “…when we don’t even have good conversation? That’s a huge part of everyday life!”
4. say, the next time he responds distractedly, I’ll let on that it really annoyed me, and that will lead to a conversation about the bigger concern

I want to stop this cycle of doubt somehow and be more constant and happy. I realize relationships have ups and downs, but I'd like to keep them from rattling me so much. I don't like feeling so unsettled, and I don't like unsettling him. I'd like to stop this cycle of doubt and either really commit to this relationship or move on.

I almost posted a list of what is working well and what issues I think about when I'm freaking out (there are a few that recur). But I'd rather hear how you have sorted through doubts in your own relationships. How have you decided you could live with things as they were, solved the problems somehow, or decided to break up? I realize it's tempting to tell me what to do ("eg, you get unstuck from this cycle by breaking up"), but what I'm really asking is how to figure this out for myself, how to decide to break up, or on the other hand, about how to address these doubts or leave them behind. Thank you for reading this long question.

Arach No Phobia

Xurando — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 14:41:21 -0800

Help me to find a way to be compassionate to people with a fear of spiders. Today in the work place someone started jumping up and down and screaming when they saw a spider. My wife and daughter are also very afraid of them too. My mind tells me that such fears are totally irrational and I want to tell them to "get over it." My gut tells me there is something more going on but I don't no what it is. Educate me.

Keeping private stuff private

Tbola — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 18:28:03 -0800

How do you protect your privacy when writing personal stuff down into journals, diaries, or self-help books? I'm wondering what techniques might be adequate for me to overcome my hesitance in writing down extremely personal stuff. I like to write, and I feel like it helps me immensely - but the thought of someone stumbling across a detailed account of my biggest fears and inadequacies makes me nervous.
(hey look - a new inadequacy!)

Seriously, though... does anyone else go through this? Any advice on how to be able to write stuff down, but have it less 'incriminating' should it accidentally be read by someone else?
(especially in the case of a journal, which you might be apt to bring along with you - and run the risk of misplacing it)

I'm not sure if this is going to make sense to anyone. I'd thought I'd give it a try.

Help me overcome my fears

elquien — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 14:20:51 -0800

How can I stop being so scared? I feel really stupid even asking this question, but here goes. As I get older, I find myself more and more being scared of totally irrational things. For example, the thought of being alone in the woods terrifies me, as does sleeping in the woods. While this probably stems partially from the “normal” fears of bears, getting lost, etc., what terrifies me is the thought of psycho killers/homicidal maniacs waiting in the woods to kill me. Another example: it’s really difficult for me to be alone at night in homes (I live in an apartment, which isn’t nearly as scary for me), because every noise I hear or shadow I see leads me to believe that someone or something is in the home. I am generally a completely rational and collected person, but I can somehow convince myself that every little creak or rattle is a crazy killer waiting for me in the basement. Basically, my brain creates scary/creepy scenarios, and I’m apparently unable to separate what could happen from what actually might happen.

Why is this important? Well, it’s starting to affect my life. I can’t go camping with friends because just the thought of it strikes fear in my heart. It’s very difficult for me to spend time alone at night at my significant other’s house, and I definitely can’t go into the basement. I’d like to own a home someday, but the thought of someone being able to break in scares me to death.

So I guess I’m looking for personal anecdotes or advice that anyone can offer. It’s not so bad that I think I need a therapist at this point (it doesn’t have a huge impact on my life), but I’d like to be able to think less, I guess. How do you address and/or deal with your fears (not necessarily just the ones I have)?

How can I overcome my aversion to using telephones?

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Dec 2004 10:07:43 -0800

I have an irrational aversion to using the telephone, even in the most innocuous and impersonal of situations (like calling to find out if some place is open, if a store sells a certain thing, if a musical venue is selling tickets to a show in advance, etc). I wouldn't go so far as to call it a "fear", though I do get somewhat nervous when forced to use the phone in such circumstances, which makes it inconvenient and somewhat unpleasant for me when I have to use the phone for whatever reason. So how can I overcome my phone aversion?

Fear of Spiders

normy — Mon, 15 Nov 2004 11:31:31 -0800

PhobiaFilter: I'm an arachnophobic. How does one conquer an irrational fear? [more] As long as I can remember, I've hated and feared spiders and I don't know why. Even other creepy crawly things don't bother me at all. I've slept with scorpions in my tent and in cockroach infested huts - not a flinch. I've tried to identify what it is about spiders in particular that might cause this reaction, with no success. Hairiness? Nothing else hairy is a problem. Lots of legs? Why wouldn't I be afraid of caterpillars, then? Webs? Actually, that part doesn't bother me, either. Biting and poison? But I have no fear of bees, wasps, mosquitoes or other bitey stingy things. I've tried forcing myself to go to websites and look at books with lots of close-up pictures of spiders, thinking that familiarization might work. Nope, just ended up feeling ill and having bad dreams.

This isn't ruining my life or anything, but I'd like to get past it. There's something psychological going on that it's obvious I don't understand. How does someone get over an irrational fear? Is it even possible? Rationality doesn't seem to work.