Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with fear

Help a layperson better understand the current science of climate change

AndNeverWell — Sat, 18 May 2013 11:52:36 -0800

I would like to become much better educated on the subject of climate change, with the ultimate goal of making work that explains specific aspects of climate science for a lay audience. To that end, can you recommend to me:
- books/articles/podcasts/websites covering:
----current predictions of climate change
----explanations of how climate processes interact
----discussions of specific changes that would need to take place to prevent the worst-case scenarios
----histories of the study of climate change
-authors or organizations that you'd consider leading experts
For the record, I'm a (very) non-scientist with time on my hands. I've seen An Inconvenient Truth and the Our Choice app, and I've read lots of the we-need-to-be-more-worried articles. I'm less interested for the moment in the politics/public policy/state-of-journalism debates (excepting those you'd consider essential reading). Let's say I'm trying to move from a sort of generalized anxiety about climate change to a set of specific fears…

Thank you!

How do I speed myself up without a nervous breakdown?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 May 2013 06:39:15 -0800

Just started a new job that moves way faster than me. I'm scared that I can't keep up. What can I do to make it work? Backstory: I used to live in a small southern (US) town and worked for a small software company for several years. We had a laid back office and I was used to that slow paced rhythm and lifestyle. I've never been a very physically active person. 10 months ago I moved to a big city up north, keeping my old job and working from home. Spending all day frumpy and indoors caused me to slow down even more. My productivity plummeted. I've always struggled with internet addiction but in this environment it became a serious problem. My first winter in this place was grayer and had shorter days than I've ever seen. All these things, plus a lack of any real friends here besides my spouse, left me lethargic and severely depressed. I nearly got fired and felt like a failure watching my career fizzle out.

This month I quit that job and started working for a local software company. I think it's a real improvement: I'm back in an office with some structure, getting out of the house and doing something I enjoy. And making more money than ever! I can't remember the last time I felt as happy and relieved as the day I started this fresh opportunity. The warmer weather and longer days of summer help too.

But I'm also terrified because for the first time I'm surrounded by competent metropolitan go-getter professionals. I'm way out of my league. I'm not entirely sure how I even got the job because I don't feel like I bring anything to the table that they can't do themselves in half the time. I haven't been working here long and I'm already struggling to meet deadlines. I'm constantly intimidated by how everybody seems to know exactly what they're doing. I'm almost 30 and feel like I should too, but instead I'm awkward and fumbling and foggy headed.

It's not that the work is too hard for me, more like my brain has just slowed to a crawl over the years. My new coworkers are firing on all cylinders and I'm just... pokey by comparison. I'm stuck in a mental rut and don't know what to do. When the day ends I feel like I've barely accomplished anything and don't know where the time went. I'm embarrassed to write my time reports because I can't justify the hours I've spent reading and re-reading project requirements and trying to figure out what to do. For now it's excusable because I'm still the new hire but I'm scared I won't ever be able to move at the speed expected of me. It takes me 30 minutes just to type a one paragraph email to a client because I'm worried everything I say will be wrong or make me look amateurish.

I'm physically slow too. When I walk it's more of a meander. I'm tired all the time and have chronic back pain. I hunch when I stand and slouch when I sit and sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a body twice my age. My new coworkers, on the other hand, are fit and always doing exciting things outdoors. I'm not jealous, I have zero desire to do that stuff. But it illustrates how insufficient I feel next to the others. The onset of this was so gradual it seems like it's always been the case.

Sorry I can't be more concise. Here are my questions.

1. How do I jump start myself to keep up with these zippy city people, and stay productive and focused all day?
2. How do I assure my new colleagues that I'm not wasting their time while I figure out how to become a zippy city person?
3. Assuming I do learn how to move at that speed, how do I sustain it for the long term without completely burning out? It looks exhausting.
4. How do I overcome my fear of failing at my new job like I failed at my old one, and also these feelings of incompetence and worthlessness?
5. How do I prepare for next winter to avoid becoming depressed again when it gets dark, cold, and gray?

My feelings were hurt. Should I say anything at all?

orangutan — Mon, 13 May 2013 14:49:46 -0800

I told my friend about an experience that caused me anxiety in the past. I felt that her responses were tone-deaf and hurtful. Was it? And should I say anything, even though the moment has passed? If so, what should I say? I shared a well written and thoughtful post with my friend this afternoon. First, she responded to the article, "I don't understand why she was so scared of that guy. I wouldn't've been. He wasn't a threat -- he was a moron. Maybe it's because I know why guys do things like that."

I told my friend that I understood the author's fear. I also said that sometimes people who commit these acts go on to stalk their victims.

A year ago, a man followed me from my bus stop and stalked me for about a mile and a half. At some point, he approached me; though I walked away from him as quickly as I could, I didn't know what to do or where to go. I didn't want him to know where I lived, so I walked for miles through residential neighborhoods as he continued to follow me. Eventually I came across an outdoor party in someone's driveway/yard. I don't know why I did this -- again, I was completely paralyzed -- I went ahead and pretended to be part of the party. Poured myself some cold water, and stood in a circle of chatting people. After about ten minutes of very awkward conversation, I saw that the man had left. I left the party and walked back home.

Then she responded, "Good thing the BBQ happened, but why not call the cops?"

I'm not sure why I didn't call the cops. But I have some pretty severe anxiety. (I'm in therapy.) Also, once the whole thing was over I didn't feel up to going over it again with anyone else. I tried to explain myself and say it wasn't so simple. That I didn't know what he was going to do, and that I was just focused on getting away from him.

Then she said, "When you were at the bbq you knew what was going on and you were in a safe spot, that could be a good time to call."

I guess I tried to explain why I did what I did, but she offered possible solution after possible solution (lots of "you could have done ___"s) and after a while I just felt lousy over an event that happened three years ago. Finally, she changed the topic.

Perhaps I should've said something. I don't know. I feel like what she said was insensitive. If it was, what should I say?

Getting Your Creative Motivation Back After A Long Dry Spell?

Anonymous — Tue, 07 May 2013 09:56:30 -0800

I went on a long, long break form my creative career cause I was feeling burnt out due to some failures and now I can't seem to get back into it, possibly because I no longer have a financial incentive to do so. How can I fix this? Warning: Long, super privileged person problems. Back-story: Due to some very lucky sets of circumstances I got to basically retire at 30. If I keep my expenses small and baring some horrible catastrophe, I don't really *have* to work ever again. I can devote all my time to my creative career(s). To celebrate this, I took a six-month break from working.

During this break I wasn't eating bon bons on the couch - I learned how to cook, to clean, to garden, went to the gym five days a week, got boots on the ground involved in politics, I helped friends out with their creative projects, spent a lot of time with my SO, and traveled around the world.

I had a set time to end this "vacation" where I didn't think of or work on anything "important". It passed three months ago. I still can't concentrate on my work. I sit with my brain and go "This is what we are doing now. We are working on THIS now."

And I can't. It's not block, I know what block feels like. It's not depression, I know what that feels like. I know exactly what I have to do and made charts and graphs and research notes for years and then I sit down and a fog descends over me and I can't physically make myself think about what I have to do. It's a complete and total fear response. Just thinking about the work ahead makes me literally start to sweat and want to flee the room.

My last two/three big projects have been flops or didn't perform as well as expected and now people are starting to not return my calls/e-mails. I've had success before, I know I'm not untalented. I know I am good at this. But I'm not getting a lot of ....external validation that I should keep trying now that I no longer *have to* for economic reasons.

What do you do when one of the one things you're really very good at just stops being fun? Like at all? I'm getting a little tight-chested just writing this but I can't take another failure, it takes so much effort for so little reward, and it makes me feel weak and self-involved that I'm hurt so much by professional rejection or lack of recognition.

And then I feel guilty for being such a whiny bitch who has a perfect fucking life and is totally an ideal situation to do whatever they want that people would kill for so buck up, shut up, and just do it. Everyday spent avoiding it is another day wasted.

And then I don't do it and feel worse. I'm terrible with self imposed deadlines cause I know I can ignore them and that makes me feel even worse. All my other successful projects have been contract work, with strict deadlines attached. Now I'm doing mostly spec and it's impossible to visualize the end-game.

So, how do I get myself out of this funk? And it really feels like a funk, like I crashed from the highs of the vacation and now can't will myself out of no matter how I try and chant CBT slogans to myself. How do I get my desire to work back? How can make myself do things I don't *have* to do? Where did my ambition go and how can I get it back?

Why is my young dog sometimes weird about entering the house?

mireille — Thu, 02 May 2013 11:14:04 -0800

Our two year old Husky has some sort of odd and inconsistent anxiety about crossing thresholds. Please help. Maia (turning two this month) was quite skittish when we first got her at four months old. She was being re-homed because the previous owner who bought her from a breeder turned out to be allergic (or so he said, I suspect that he couldn't handle the challenge that is Puppy). We're pretty sure she experienced... something before we got her because she absolutely screamed when picked up. With a lot of gentle practice she's now fine with being lifted and shows no signs of her previous fear.

Fast forward to now and she's an extremely sweet, ultra-high-energy, very curious little dog. Standard husky puppy crazy but not neurotic or high-anxiety at all. Much loved, and we've worked through all the standard puppy behavior problems and really have no issues except this one thing.

So: the door to our porch/backyard is sliding glass and located in our living room. Our dogs are basically allowed to come and go as they please, and they're pretty good about only coming in and out when they have a reason (food, water, temperature regulation).

The problem is that sometimes (but not all the time, which is why this is confusing), Maia asks to come inside and then... won't come in. Just stands there. Occasionally whimpers a bit. When I close the door she's pawing at it again before it's fully shut. Open it again, still won't come in. This happens about 70% of the time she asks to come inside. The other 30% she just enters the house normally. Strangely, if Belle (her "sister" and idol) comes in, Maia trots right in too.

There are only two ways to get her to come in when she does this. One is to stand at the door and throw a treat into the living room to draw her in. This is totally inadvisable behaviorally as well as unsustainable, and only occasionally effective at that, so after a couple of tries we abandoned this experiment. Second method (that currently works 90% of the time) is to open the door and then go sit on the couch, at which point she kind of delicately pads inside, allowing us to get up and close the door. This is also bad, not just because she's "training" us, but also because it regularly gets into sub-sub-sub-freezing temps here in the winter and leaving the door open is ridiculous.

The times that she just wants us to come outside and play are really obvious because she's ten kinds of fired up. But the rest of the times are totally confusing. We can't figure out what she's afraid of and why she's only afraid of it some of the time. The contents of the living room don't change around. It happens regardless of who opens the door and whether Belle is inside or outside at the time. When going through regular doors she does tend to dart through (on a leash she'll go through behind me then dash through quickly). This makes me think it's "threshold" related but I don't know what to do with that. There's also the part where someone had her before us and we don't know what happened during that time.

Any ideas? Would love to figure out the "why" and a solution would be a bonus. My winter heating bill is bad enough as it is, and we're about to trade out the glass door for the screen door because bug season is coming. Happy to answer any questions if clarifications can help!

(Second pic: Maia stretching in front of the door in question last spring during Mud Season.)

How to build confidence and destroy fear?

jdroth — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 11:00:41 -0800

I'm working on a project designed to help people build confidence and overcome fear. As part of that, I'm trying to build a library of resources -- books, quotes, websites, video clips, etc. -- that explore what it's like to face fear and build courage. I have lots of material already, but I'm looking for more. What are some of your favorite bits about developing confidence and/or destroying fear?

I don´t want to be pushed or scared anymore! (Details inside)

Matrod — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 20:17:49 -0800

How can I be more creative, self-motivated and stick to my goals? The title might be a little inappropriate, but I don´t have a better way to describe my situation. Let me explain: I´m a successful 40-year-old male, married, no kids, with 18+ years of experience in IT related matters. Two months ago I landed my dream job: I work for a blue-chip company and I´m really happy with it.

Nonetheless, all my life I have had someone or something "forcing me" to do things: study, be on time, organize my schedule, learn and develop new skills, etc. When I was a kid and a teenager, my parents did this for me. They were very strict and I had to comply. I was a star student at school, but when I started college, I began to fail since nobody was there to "keep me going" and finally, after trying three different majors, I ended up dropping out completely. Afterwards, I manage to get some good jobs thanks to my love and passion for technology and my ability to learn things by myself, but in general terms, I´m very inconstant and irregular. Some of my bosses had to get rid of me since I started everything with lots of energy but after a short time, I simply gave up: lost interest and started to procrastinate, always ending in fights with my colleagues, my boss and finally having to get a new job.

Right now, I´m kind of more organized, but still I almost always need someone telling me what to do next. Fear has always been my main motivator and right now I feel I cannot make a mistake and lose this job, specially now when I´m 40 and the economy is so bad. I´m thinking in re-starting college as well but I´m fearing I will give up in the short term with my motivation vanishes...

My question is very simple: How can I achieve a greater degree of autonomy and self-motivation, as well as improve my initative and creativity to be a valuable employee and keep my job? For the record, I have lots of hobbies (music, kites, photography, reading, language learning, etc.) but I usually don´t stick to anything for long. I´ve been reading a lot of self-motivation books lately, but none of them has rung a bell yet... I´m exploring the CBT approach to see if it fits me.

If you need further information, I´ll be happy to elaborate more.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

How do I make up for 10 years of blowing her off?

Anonymous — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 07:05:54 -0800

I've been married for a few more than 10 years. For most of that time, I did not really listen to my wife or honor her goals and desires for our life together. Starting in 2012, I have made a change in my attitude and actions, and we are communicating and making significant progress in our relationship. If it were just making the current state of affairs good, I think we're on a good track and we'd be ok. My question is: How do I make up for the previous ~10 years? If you want to email: accommodatee@mail.com. Thanks in advance for any advice, here or via email. More details: Things started to go down hill not too long after we got married when I did a grueling job search that failed. I was really, really depressed and afraid and did not want to plan anything. My wife really wanted to get settled down and grow roots, but she agreed to move more than once so I'd have future chances to take my career in the direction I wanted. I squandered these opportunities and we had to move additional times and it cost years, during which time she was really lonely and depressed.

I feel really lucky that she didn't leave me. In many ways it would have been a classic AskMi DTMFA had she asked. She is amazing. I feel like I owe her a lot. She gave me a chance to do something that would have rebalanced the ledger, and I completely fucked it up. I do want to make it up to her. I don't know how.

If you want more info about my head: definitely somewhere on the autism spectrum, but undiagnosed; perfectionist; more or less depressed and anxious since early teens; hugely conflict-averse; hyper-sensitive to criticism. Many of these are substantially less true and/or debilitating now than they were a few years ago, thanks to: Therapy, anti-depressants, the Mental Illness Happy Hour (I'm just a listener), self-help books, a good career path, a wife still willing to work on our relationship, and the grace of God.

How can I most peacefully exit an abusive housing situation?

defmute — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 13:14:24 -0800

I called for a house meeting to address a housemates abusive behavior towards me but have determined that the best option for me is to simply remove myself from the situation and move out. Do I call off the meeting or do I still have it and then tell the house later that I want to move out or something else? As simply as i can put it, one of my housemates (let's call him DaveyJohn) is very poor at managing his anger and will yell at me very hard for things that he has absolutely no reason to yell at me for (as a principle, though, I believe that nobody deserves to be yelled at/ aggressed against in any circumstance). I've been living here for 3 months and there have been 2 major incidents of yelling so far.

The 1st incident happened about a month ago. I was cutting my hair in the bathroom and part of the way through, DaveyJohn knocks to use the bathroom. I politely tell him i'll be out in a minute and sweep up the hair and let him in. He walks in and immediately walks out yelling at me to clean my fucking hair up. Shocked and confused, I go back into the bathroom only to find him angrily pointing at no more than 10 strands of short (less than an inch long) hair on the toilet seat. I clean it up, but tell him, non-aggressively, that i don't want him speaking to me that way and that we need to talk as soon as possible. he gets even more angry and slams the door. many many hours later, he apologizes to me quite sincerely and recognizes the injustice of his actions. Though I accepted his apology, I still addressed it with the house as a whole (which, at the time, meant two other housemates) and he said that he will be working on managing his anger better and that another outburst wont happen in the future. after that, all was relatively peaceful until the 2nd incident happened this past Wednesday.

In the 2nd incident, I walked out of the house to smoke a cigarette and DaveyJohn walked out shortly after to walk his dog. I finished my smoke and walked back inside only to find the door to our apartment wide open so I closed it and locked it without much thought. A few minutes later, i hear a violent knock on the door and open it to find DaveyJohn on the other end. He yells at me "DONT LOCK THE DOOR! I'M WALKING THE DOG AND I CAN'T GET IN!" to which I non-aggressively reply, "well, DaveyJohn, how was I was supposed to know that you didn't have your keys?" to which he replies with even more rounds of "DONT LOCK THE DOOR!" without even answering my question. We discuss the matter the next day and this time he isn't apologetic at all and is very defensive. it isn't until almost an hour into the conversation that he acknowledges that his reasoning for yelling at me was irrational and unjustifiable but he is still reluctant to apologize.

After that discussion, I called for a house meeting to be held today (3/19) at 7:30pm to address this issue with the house again. After giving it a lot of thought over the weekend, however, I've determined that DaveyJohn is most likely not going to change anytime soon (his former housemate of several years says these incidents were happening then too). I've decided that I'm going to simply move out since i literally cannot be in the house without having a rational fear that he will yell at me again at any time for any reason. If all of us were on the lease then I would ask for the house to take a vote to determine if he should leave or not but, unfortunately, he is the only one on the lease. When I moved in, we drafted a contract saying that the only conditions for leaving are that I give a one month advance notice. I plan to move out as quickly as possible and just pay rent for the place until said month is over while living somewhere else. Realistically, however, it's going to take me about a week to move out. I would like to simply call off the meeting except that i'm afraid that that would anger DaveyJohn (because he might take it as a form of passive aggression). Also our new housemate, let's call her SusiePeg, is the only person who has no idea that DaveyJohn has been yelling at me and when I asked her to meet i told her (thru text): "Hey SusiePeg. I want to have a house meeting to address a serious issue happening within the house and wanted to see when you would be next available to meet". I don't want to go to the meeting and say "oh hey guys, i'm moving out and i don't want to say why because i'm afraid that somebody is going to be mad if I expose his abusive behavior in public". One option i'm looking at is simply telling SusiePeg before the meeting that i'm moving out and tell her exactly why and saying that i don't want to bring it up because I'm afraid of how DaveyJohn is going to react. Anyway, thanks for reading y'all and thanks in advance for all your help.

Still scared about stupid sex

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 12:58:34 -0800

How to deal with intense anxiety from stupid and risky sexual decisions in the (pretty) distant past? Here's the deal. I regularly experience intense, almost vibrating anxiety and fear related to stupid, risky sexual choices I made in the not-recent past. I know the general AskMe consensus will be "Seek Therapy" but I'm already in therapy. I'm hoping to hear from other people who might have dealt or might be dealing with the same thing.

I am a gay man. I'm almost 30 and now in a monogamous relationship with a guy I trust. Have been with him for 4.5 years. However, when I was younger, specifically while I was living in NYC from age 18-24, I did some crazy stupid stuff. No, not as bad as men with meth problems or those who go out to bathhouses every night, but definitely some stuff that was risky and that I find terrifying because I can hardly handle the fact that it was me doing these things.

I am very shy, and when I was young I used to "compensate" for it by getting totally boozed up. On more than one occasion, I went home with a guy and bottomed even though I was so drunk I have basically no memory of the whole thing except for a memory that it happened. I'm not sure how many times I did this, but probably more than 5. And I don't even like bottoming -- at all! I really can't explain what the hell I was thinking, other than a vague sense that this was expected of me. I don't know that the guys, in these cases, didn't use condoms, but I wasn't in a condition to make totally sure of that. I think I told them to put a condom on, in each case, but honestly I don't remember. Just recalling those incidents is enough to get a minor panic attack going, because it scares the shit out of me to think that I was capable of being that stupid.

On another occasion, I made out for a long time with a guy who I now know was seroconverting and acutely infectious. At the time I didn't know that. This was a guy who I had had a crush on for quite some time, and though he "wasn't feeling well" we got to talking, and over the course of an evening realized we liked each other, and then made out for a good hour or more, even though -- this is super-gross, I realize -- he had a kind of rash, like red bumps, on his face, and he was a little sick. Well, a day or two later I was quite sick -- fever, sore throat, headache, seriously not well. At the time, even though I thought of myself as bright, intelligent, and informed, I was most definitely not, and I did not know about the acutely infectious period that quickly follows HIV infection. I certainly didn't think it could be something someone I know was actually experiencing. Well, I got better, but I never heard from the guy, and when I reached out to him six months to a year later, he said some stuff had happened to him, and further prodding revealed that he'd found out he was HIV positive. What was happening to him right when we made out was the seroconversion.

Yeah, I know -- making out is extremely low risk. But before people scoff at this, first of all, I am prone to bleeding gums, and second of all, the CDC says: "it is recommended that individuals who are HIV-infected avoid deep, open-mouth “French” kissing with a non-infected partner, as there is a potential risk of transferring infected blood." And I obviously *did* get *something* from the guy that made me temporarily sick, though I didn't get HIV.

Lastly, on one occasion some guy that I took home from a bar fucked me without a condom. He just did it. Maybe everyone reading this will focus on this incident -- I guess it is the worst of them all, though I want to emphasize that what I primarily feel about it is continuing fear at my own stupidity and apparent paralysis. Because I didn't do anything. I didn't try to stop him. It just happened, and that was that. I certainly didn't want him to do it, but I could not even, for some reason, bring myself to say the word "no." I just laid there and felt massive amounts of shame and humiliation. And no, I didn't go to the hospital afterwards to try to get the 72-hour-window post-exposure drugs -- I didn't know about their existence at the time.

Add to those above a large number (25-50? maybe even more?) of more or less random guys who I had protected anal sex with, mostly as a top, and about the same number that I had oral sex with. Please don't try to tell me that these were no-risk activities -- people push this myth all the time, I've noticed! -- because they weren't.

All of these things happened more than six years ago. I have been tested multiple times since then and I do not have HIV, according to the tests. However, I can't shake a feeling that I must "really" have it, somehow, and the tests just failed or something. I have only had sex with one person in more than four years, and he is monogamous as well and a good, upstanding, trustworthy guy, but pretty much every single day I think about getting tested again and feel sure that this time they'll find it. I set up another test recently because I just can't handle the uncertainty.

I've gotten much, much more educated on HIV since those years -- part of this anxiety and fear manifests itself in doing lots and lots of research into the subject. I know that the individual risks of infection from any one sexual encounter are low; conversely, I know that the infection rates among urban gay men are staggeringly high. I know people who are HIV positive, including one of my best friends, and I've seen first-hand that while the disease is not a death sentence anymore, for some people it is still absolutely brutal, to the point where they are basically permanently disabled (often by the drugs needed to keep them alive).

I feel two things: a) I was so stupid and reckless that I really ought to have HIV, I deserve it -- I let my parents and sibling and friends and everyone who cares about me down, I treated my health like it was worthless, and of course I put other people at risk, too and b) That person who did those things, who was that short-sighted and insane, was *me.* What does it mean that I am capable of being that foolish? At the time I didn't think of myself as foolish; I thought I knew it all. So now that I know better, I feel terrified of myself.

Yeah, I know: "Therapy." But I'm wondering if anyone has any other thoughts on what might help me -- help me what? Deal with the anxiety and fear, and anger, I guess -- anger at myself, I mean. I don't know that I want to "move on," though, because I have an idea that if I let go of the fear, if I let down my guard, I could somehow become the person that I used to be, and get myself into such situations again. After all, I *am* the person I was when I was 22, by definition.

I'm up and down on this whole roller coaster thing...

BrianJ — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 09:10:58 -0800

I'm about to go on a much needed vacation and am heading to California. While there, I'm planning on hitting the Disney parks and am contemplating experiencing my very first roller coaster. I also have problems with anxiety and nervousness. Is it possible for me to enjoy this (terrifying) experience? I love Disney World and have been there several times. I have never, though, ridden any of the coasters or "drop" style rides. I'm much more a Haunted Mansion kinda guy. However, the opportunity to go to Disneyland and California Adventure has presented itself and I'm gonna jump at it. My partner is fearless - he's a coaster lover and a Tower of Terror maniac and I'd like to be able to enjoy those things with him...as much as a 40 year old, terrified, anxiety-riddled bundle of nerves can.

Are there tips and tricks to combating the anxiety that the very idea of riding these things induces in me? I've gone on YouTube and watched videos of Space Mountain and Tower of Terror and get a little nervous just watching them.

I also have high blood pressure that is controlled through medication. Would this be a deterrent to riding something like this?

My dog is afraid of people who are afraid of dogs

ohmy — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 11:36:16 -0800

My shy 4 year old rescue pit bull/shepherd mix and I live in a large apartment building. A couple recently moved in next door to me, and they are terrified of dogs. Since my new neighbours have moved in, I've seen them duck into their apartment when they see me coming out of mine with the dog, or avoid getting on the elevator with me. That's fine. I understand that people are afraid of dogs, and I go out of my way to make these people comfortable by not crossing their paths if I don't have to.

My dog is a submissive rescue who is occasionally shy at first with new people, but very friendly. The only time she's ever wary of people is when they give off strange body language. For instance, she's suspicious of and sometimes growls at sketchy people outside at night, drunk homeless guys yelling profanities on the street, creepy pervy guys who try to talk to me while we're on a walk... basically anyone who would make me uncomfortable if I were walking somewhere alone. I'm happy she does this, as I'm a female who lives downtown in a bit of a sketchy area. However, whenever we cross paths with a non-sketchy person who's giving off unusual body language because they're afraid of dogs, she reacts the same way. She's never been violent. Not once. Ever.

My apartment is at the end of a VERY long, straight hallway. Yesterday, when we were coming back from our morning walk, I turned into the hallway from the elevators and saw one of my new neighbours leaving his apartment and walking towards the elevators. I was already halfway down the hallway, and I knew that if he just ignored the dog as he walked past, she would ignore him, too... the way she ignores most every one we cross when we're out (unless they stop to pet her, or they have a dog too). So I kept walking. Then as we were about 10 feet from each other, he stopped in his tracks and was started intense eye contact with my dog, I suppose to try to get a feel for whether or not she was going to "attack". He was talking heatedly on his cell phone, so I couldn't really say anything like "it's okay, she's friendly" or "just ignore her" or "don't worry, I've got her", Then he started slowly walking backwards, out of fear. I started to feel a little tense at this point because it was kind of awkward. Maybe the dog sensed my trepidation, I don't know. He glued himself up against the wall, and I held her on a short leash as we walked past, but then he kind of jumped and she reacted by growling suddenly, at which point he literally screamed at the top of his lungs and took off running down the rest of the hallway. Of course, when he started running, she kind of set off after him, but couldn't chase after him because of course, she was on-leash.

I know that my dog’s reacting to their body language, and that even though not all dogs respond this way, that it's a normal dog thing and likely breed related. Yesterday morning, she growled, but that was absolutely not an “attack” (and I’m actually kind of afraid that in his fearful state, the guy might have perceived that it was).

I'm afraid that constantly avoiding people who exhibit the kind of body language that a person does when they're afraid of dogs makes my dog's wariness of them worse. This is a vicious cycle of person scaring dog, dog reacting, dog scaring person...heightening the fear for both of them during the next encounter.

I’m sensitive to other people’s phobias, and I’m a reasonable person, so I really wish I could fix this situation. The trouble is that unlike most encounters we have with people who are afraid of dogs, which normally happen outside where it’s easy for us to avoid each other, this always seems to happen in the hallway where unless they duck back into their apartment, or I run back to the end of the hall by the elevators to let them pass, we will inevitably have to cross paths. We also seem to be, unfortunately, on the same schedule. So I encounter them a LOT. If these people were friends of mine, it would be easier to try to overcome the fear together by slowly introducing them to my dog and giving them time to relax and feel more comfortable in her presence. These people, however, are not my friends, and they make that quite clear by glaring at me, or avoiding me even when I’m without dog. They’re frequently on their cell phones and avoiding eye contact, effectively putting up a wall on any form of communication whatsoever. I tried to speak with them once but they ignored me as if I hadn’t said anything at all and I’m not sure if it’s because they can’t bear to speak with the disgusting person with the scary looking dog, or if it’s because they don’t speak English. Or both.

Sigh, anyway. I’m sensitive and I feel really rattled about what happened yesterday morning. I’ve never seen such an extreme reaction before. I’m not the type of person who expects to be pals with my neighbours, but the icy relationship as it is now makes me uncomfortable. I’ve never had any dog related issue with anyone else in my building. I’m thinking that it would be a good thing if I could somehow do something to minimize the way my dog reacts to people who are afraid, but I’m not sure how to do that because people who are afraid of dogs aren’t exactly going to volunteer to be part of this teaching moment.

I'm also confused about what the right balance of compromise is here in this situation. I try to avoid them as much as possible because I know they're afraid. But is the onus on me to always be the one avoiding? I mean, I know being a dog owner comes with a huge set of responsibilities and being accountable for your dog is one of them... but I'm also allowed to have a dog, especially one that doesn't have serious behavioural issues and that gets along with everyone else in our huge apartment complex. For example, if we meet halfway down the hallway and they haven't gone back into their apartment, is it because I am supposed to turn around and walk back to the elevators/lobby area where they can easily avoid us? Is that my responsibility as a dog owner? I would like to do what society expects me to do, but I don't know what that is.

Advice, anyone?

How likely is it that cockroaches feel fear?

Danila — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 16:50:41 -0800

From Googling it seems to be unknown as to whether or not cockroaches are exhibiting fear when confronted or some more basic instinct. Even if it's not 100% known, is there strong evidence either way? I feel tremendous guilt after killing bugs. The idea that something could be afraid of me and then I kill it (justifying its fear) weighs heavily on me every time. I try to be as humane in my bug-proofing as I can but sometimes it's me or the roach (I am also pretty scared of them and find trying to catch one in a cup or something petrifying).

What I'm trying to figure out is if, when they freeze and seem to be staring at me, they are feeling something like what I am feeling: terror.

Possibly HIV Positive -- Now What

Anonymous — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 11:32:42 -0800

I may have HIV and I don't know what to do about it. I have been getting sick a lot lately, and for the last few months I have only had maybe two or three weeks where I genuinely feel 100%. For a while I thought maybe this was just the luck of the draw and that all the YIs, BVs, colds, sinus infections, sudden lactose intolerance, and fatigue were just happenstance. They may still be.

However... there is a possibility that I may have contracted HIV from what was ultimately a nebulous, semi-sexual assault experience last March. I am at a loss about what to do right now because I feel lousy and flu-ish and am scared of going in for the blood test my gyno ordered a few weeks ago because I can't bear to be poked and prodded anymore. My parents will be ashamed of me for being sexually active in the first place and the guy that I am dating and am really falling for will likely break up with me if I test positive. I still don't know what to do about the fact that I was exposed during sex that I consented to initially but didn't want to continue with but did anyway because I was afraid that the guy I was with would hurt me.

My heart is breaking from fear. What can I do right now?

This cowardly lion wants to GRRL up

bunderful — Sat, 26 Jan 2013 09:56:11 -0800

I'm in a difficult life situation, in addition to which I am having some problems with ADHD, depression and anxiety. I'm insecure to the point that I cannot accurately assess my situation, and frozen with fear. I realize that I need to take action - ANY action - and stop stalling and hoping for a sign or insight.

When you were stuck and scared, what jolted you out of it? When you're frozen with fear and insecurity, how do you manage to ground yourself in what is real?

Inspirational movies or quotes, simple wisdom, therapeutic tools .. all are welcome.

(Am currently in therapy but changing to a new therapist who treats ADHD and practices CBT).

Seattle Therapist that specializes in health anxiety and anger?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 06:47:17 -0800

I've been dealing with terrible health anxiety for several years, coupled with being incredibly short and angry with my wife when in the midst of a panic attack or uncomfortable symptoms. My wife is fed up and I need to make this better. NOW. I need recommendations for therapists that take Premera and any other ideas people have for dealing with this. I'm in my early 30s and fairly healthy (sleep apnea and a very irregular heart-beat that after a 30-day monitor my cardiologist has tried to reassure me is "unpleasant but harmless").

I've had terribly crippling fear around my heart and other health symptoms for years. While the number of panic attacks have gone down I still focus all the time on my health and have drained my wife in the process. This coupled with the fact that I get angry at her when I'm having uncomfortable symptoms or am panicking about them has left her fed-up.

So far I've tried:
* exercise (Hard to do due to time constraints and my fear about my heart)
* meditation (again, time has been an issue and I can feel my heart irregularity making it difficult to "let go")
* therapy (I haven't had good luck in this regard and many of the people don't seem to have any specific experience in this area. Also, the last guy I was seeing stopped taking Premera).

I've made a lot of excuses (both at home and above) and I need to get this fixed but I don't know how. I figure it makes sense to start trying to see a therapist again but shopping around is hard and I'd be very grateful for anyone's recommendations.

Paying out of pocket (or out of network) isn't an option (out of network is still > $80 a visit).

Finally, if anyone has any other ideas I'm open to them. This has strained my marriage to the breaking point and I'm willing to try just about anything.

I've set-up a sock-puppet email at askmefi.tooscared@yahoo.com.

Thanks

Kindle self-help book recommendations

f3l1x — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 13:49:25 -0800

Looking for recommendations of effective books/workbooks/web resources on emotional intelligence, abandonment issues, anger, fear, jealousy, trust issues and self-compassion. Bonus points for including all of the above and being available on Kindle. I know you're supposed to catch onto a lot of this before you are 30, but I didn't, for one reason and another (see below). Result: general low-self-worth with frequent angry outbursts and patches of very controlling/mean/weird behaviour related to romantic jealousy. Oh and major co-dependent streaks.

I don't know whether my current relationship will weather the storm that's currently raging within (mostly within), but I do know that I need to do some serious work on me, NOW, and I would really love recommendations of effective books that will help me understand how to navigate my emotions like a grown-up and be nice to myself in the process. I'm ideally looking for stuff that has really helped clever people to get where they need to be, which is why I'm here rather than the google search box.

I am about to start seeing a CBT-based therapist for twelve weeks and thinking about looking at different kinds of therapy in the future (perhaps talking about issues from my past etc.), but in the meantime I just want to be reading as much good stuff as possible on my Kindle to make sense of some of this!

I would also love to hear of books that are about developing independence (or healthy interdependence, or whatevs) as a grown up, not feeling the need for a relationship and how to be nice to people without constantly people-pleasing and having no boundaries.

If there are books particularly about abandonment issues stemming from dads leaving and single mothers drinking, struggling financially, being scared of everything, and viewing romantic relationships as lifeboats for most of your childhood/adolescence, leading to anger, fear and jealousy in later life, then double triple bonus points.

Thanks in advance, folks.

Monophobia

pandorasbox — Tue, 25 Dec 2012 12:13:13 -0800

How do I get over my completely insane (and crippling) fear of spending time alone. I've clearly had this problem for a while, but somehow wasn't able or willing to recognize it until yesterday.

A couple weeks ago my boyfriend and I ended up having a HUGE and RIDICULOUS fight the night before my birthday. He had made plans to go hang out with a friend, and I had assumed that since we were hanging out that day and on my birthday we would obviously spend midnight together. I ended up turning the entire thing into "WELL OBVIOUSLY MIDNIGHT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT" (even though I hadn't mentioned that to him, and I'm not even sure its true.) I framed it, unfairly, as him being neglectful, inadequate etc (I didn't directly say that, but it was the tone definitely)

The fight ended up lasting almost 3 hours, at which point he said it was getting ridiculous and didn't seem to be ending and he was going to leave now and see me tomorrow (probably). At this point I freaked out and said "You can't leave me alone on my birthday" "I would have made other plans" "I can't spend it alone!" "Why are you doing this to me!?" etc. I started crying as hard as I have in a long time. The idea of his leaving me alone seemed like the ABSOLUTE WORST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. He accused me of being manipulative, which is fair, I was. I was, in that moment, willing to do or say ANYTHING to get him to stay. Because his leaving was the end of the world in my crazed mind.

After the fact, I can totally see that I was being ridiculous. And this isn't the first time these sorts of fights have come up. (Although the "birthday" factor made things seem a lot more magnified, it's never been this bad.)

I try to make sure I have plans with my friends or family EVERY night. I look at my google calender and am calmed if it is full, or uneasy if it is empty. If my boyfriend cancels plans with me at the last minute, I always freak out because I am afraid I won't have time to make other plans. To him, he doesn't get why spending a night alone is the end of the world. It's stupid too, because often I will miss a party or stay home by myself by choice. Somehow that's perfectly fine... because I chose it.

Yesterday I hadn't made plans, and because it was Christmas Eve, I couldn't get ahold of anyone. I started to panic. I got so worked up I could barely breath and started crying. The idea of spending Christmas Eve alone scared me. I kept trying to tell myself that it was just a day, and it wasn't a big deal. But I wasn't calmed until by chance my bf called and we made plans to go get food. I don't know why I'm so crazy.

This is ruining my relationships, and sets me off into a guilt-shame spiral when I'm not in the moment and I can use my logic to see why it's so crazy. I've tried to use coping strategies but they are always lost in the moment. It's like my brain goes away and all there is is a giant pit of evil and if I don't find someone to talk to immediately I will fall into it. That sounds crazy, but its about how it feels.

I'm going to go talk to my university about counselling in January, but it takes a while to get into, and I feel like I need some advice/coping strategies NOW.

Side question: Should I talk to my boyfriend about my realization? Part of me wants to, but I don't want him to feel like I am trying to say that I am entitled to act the way I do, or like I'm trying to justify my behaviour. It isn't justified.

How to help my girlfriend through apocalypse anxiety?

drd — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 13:58:11 -0800

Help my girlfriend get through apocalypse anxiety? She has a history of anxiety- health anxiety, claustrophobia, a general fear of death which she thinks is where most of them come from. And every time one of these stupid apocalypse things comes around, it freaks her out and for the week leading up she has a hard time coping.

She knows it isn't true and that it won't happen on an intellectual level, and has read the things that explain why it won't happen and why they're a crock. She knows why it's stupid. It's just an uncontrollable anxiety she still feels- she's said she just wishes she could take a pill that would put her to sleep until it's the day after.

Does anyone else here suffer from this sort of issue? I can only talk to her over Skype, so there's only so many ways I can distract her- and the anxiety makes her moody and sometimes difficult to talk to at times, especially over a screen. I sympathize a lot, and it breaks my heart to see her suffer from this sort of pain that she doesn't know how to stop.

Any advice?

Thanks a bunch, guys. I hope this is in the right category...

The 39 year old semi-virgin

mockpuppet — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 16:29:52 -0800

I'm dating someone new who is 38 and considers herself to be more or less a virgin. She's nervous about sex but also pretty interested. How can I make this ok for her? Total NSFW oversharing below... I'll try to skip all the snowflakes and give you the meat.

I've been out 5 times with someone I like a whole lot. She's 39, and confessed to me the other night that she's had sex only a few times, never with the same person. She's fooled around a lot with some partners while in long term relationships (she was formerly religious, so PIV sex was not on the table). Sounds to me like she was in the sort of late 30s thing of trying to find a partner and being frustrated, a little picky and maybe just never moving forward very much.

She came over my house the last night and we had some pretty awesome naked making out. I felt like she was meeting me more than halfway in every sense. But as far as actual sex goes, she was way too nervous to do it.

So I'm just looking for some suggestions on how to handle this. I'd like her to be comfortable. I do find it difficult to be totally rational and supportive in that situation because my own hormones are going into total high gear, but I'm doing my best, and she's expressed that she feels really comfortable with me.

Something I noticed is that she's super, super easily aroused. I never saw someone who could almost climax just from gentle touching of her pubic hair. Breasts, likewise. She said everything felt great, and she looked like she was very much into it, but she said that she feels like she's losing control, and she's not totally comfortable with that feeling.

She volunteered that she has not been abused. I really do feel like she desires to figure all of this out. And she has a nice, natural way of being physically affectionate...not awkward at all. It was really enjoyable being with her. I have a personal problem moving too fast with sex, which has been a tremendous relationship killer in the past.

If I didn't feel a tremendous amount of chemistry between us, I would probably not choose to date someone who considers herself a virgin. But I like her quite a bit, and she seems to feel similarly. So, I'm looking for thoughts or advice on how to make her more comfortable. I can only imagine how nervous I'd be about sex if I hadn't really had any at our age. That said I feel like I can only dig in so deep with someone in a relationship before I'm wondering what sex would be like between us.

Fundamentally there's just a basic question on making her feel relaxed enough to be able to try to have sex. She was saying that she feels like it might help her to get really drunk, which is not really appealing to me. Maybe a valium or something might help. But she definitely is pretty nervous about the basic sensation of sex and that's manifesting itself physically.

Anyway, thoughts, observations, anequdotes would be very appreciated.

Thanks!

Takeoff-specific flying phobia

davisnot — Sat, 17 Nov 2012 23:26:17 -0800

Takeoff-specific flying phobia Everyone says that most crashes happen during takeoff and landing. I guess this is meant to be reassuring but actually, it has made me that much more terrified of takeoff.

I worry that something will go wrong during takeoff and that the plane won't have enough lift or will go hurtling to the ground. The speed at which the plane travels and the upward movement and shaking just terrifies me. Thoughts like "what if my pilot has a heart attack at this exact moment" or "what if we fly through a flock of birds" go through my mind.

Unfortunately for me I have to do a large number of long-haul flights with multiple connections.

Do you have any reassuring information about take offs in particular? How can I get over this specific fear?

While I don't care for any aspect of flying, it's the take off that really ruins it for me.

How to get over this big/little step

Autumn89 — Wed, 07 Nov 2012 15:41:07 -0800

How to get over fear of this ( Long story inside) Well on my bucket list was skydiving. So 6 months ago, my boyfriend paid for me to do a tandem skydive at 10,000 feet. I wasn't too wild about it after.. mostly because I got motion sickness from it and at the end I sprained my ankle pretty badly cause the tandem guy fell on top of me (totally my fault though!) But a few days later, I started obsessing about it. I wanted to do another tandem.

A few months later I did another tandem. This one I was terrified that me and the tandem guy was going to die. But of course we didn't. I did almost lose my glasses on the freefall because my goggles weren't tightened enough which was my fault again, haha. So I told my boyfriend if the landing went well, I wanted to take the skydiving course at this DZ (drop zone) to become a certified skydiver. The landing went awesome!

So 2 weeks ago, I took the solo skydiving course..Most people take the AFF course, but my drop zone doesn't have that, so they do IAD. We went over malfunctions, how to control the canopy, and other things. But that day we couldn't jump because the clouds were too low and we need a clearing of 3,000 feet and we were only getting 2,000 feet. For those of you who don't know what IAD is, it is when you jump out of the plane, your parachute opens right after. So the next weekend I went back and when I got there they just suited me up and before I knew it we were in the plane with two other skydivers and my instructor who was going to have my pilot chute out.

At about 2,000 feet my instructor showed me my pilot chute and I nodded. I felt a really bad feeling...of course I know. I'm about to jump out of a plane, I'm suppose to have a bad feeling. But I couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen. So I told him I didn't want to do it anymore. We went back down. I felt so much shame like my dream has been shattered, and I made a dumb decision even paying all that money for the course. I was leaving when two guys from the solo course from my class the last weekend showed up and asked if the clouds were too low again. I told them my story and they said they were scared too but they were going to do it.

So we all went back inside, and they suited us up again. I felt a lot better. But the only problem was I was cold out of my mind. I hadn't dressed that warm. I was shivering and my feet and hands felt so frozen. When we got into the plane, they made it so I would be the last person to jump out. I watched the two guys go...and then it was my turn. I was shivering at this point even more. As soon as they opened the door again, I shook my head and said I couldn't do it. It was way too freezing and I didn't trust myself that the cold would interfere with steering the canopy or the landing. So once again the had to land with me in the plane.

I feel like absolute crap for not jumping. I SHOULD have sucked it up and just dealt with the cold for 5 minutes. The only thing that happened after we all landed was the guy in the class who did jump said that it was really good I didn't jump because the winds picked up BADLY on the plane ride up and even though he was being directed back down by a walkie talkie, he almost hit the shed. So maybe I saved my own life by not jumping?

But I never want to feel this way again. I am pretty sure this weekend I am going to go up in the plane again. I am going to jump. I figured since I spent all that money for the class, might as well just jump and if I hate it, I don't have to do it ever again. But really I keep obsessing about it. I keep picturing the door opening and the step right there for me to step out on. I think one of the things that freaked me out the most is only being 3,000 feet compared to 10,000 feet...weird? Someone who is scared of not too high places...

So I need some advice on what to do before I jump. Like things I can say to encourage myself to just get it over with. I know everyone who has skydived before said it's an amazing feeling. But I'm looking for something more to say to myself while going up in the plane this time. Please don't be rude. Those kind of attitudes don't help me.

Oh and one more thing. I got a new temp job at a printing factory. Yesterday was my first day, and I recognized some guy working there. He was one of the skydivers that was in the plane with me the first ride up! I think it's a sign. :)

A 3 year old's strange phobias

misoramen — Fri, 19 Oct 2012 08:40:44 -0800

Over the summer, my 3.5 year old developed a bunch of odd aversions/phobias. And now, over the last three weeks or so, he seems generally anxious when we go out. I'm wondering if it's just a phase related to his age, and I should keep him mostly at home till it passes? Or is this the start of a more serious anxiety condition? Or a sign that our city life is too much for him? I've been reading about childhood fears, like: the dark, or monsters, or the bathtub, or bees. This is nothing like that, as far as I can tell.

He developed a fear of the choking/Heimlich maneuver poster in restaurants, and doesn't want to go in restaurants any more. Some days he even has trouble walking by restaurants because he will be thinking of the poster and wondering if it can be seen from the street. He says he doesn't like it because it reminds him that he could choke.

He also finds it frightening to look at people with piercings or tattoos, or dyed hair. The dyed hair thing extends beyond green or blue hair -- he reacts to people with the wrong shade of blond for their skin-tone, too. He is fine with temporary tattoos and wears them all the time.

He is completely fine at home. He is completely fine inside stores or a place like a children's museum, assuming we can get there. The general anxiety thing is newer, and happens whenever we leave our apartment. He wonders if there will be people in the laundry room. He worries about the places we go -- "Let's not go to that playground: we might see a mother scold her child like we did last time." If we go to visit his uncle at work, we might see tattoos. If we go to art class, we might see the administration woman with a nose ring. If we're riding the bus, he wonders about the emergency exit in the roof -- how would we get down from the roof of the bus if we had to climb out that way? He is always reading the signs that have warnings, cautions, rules, and asking about them in detail.

Up till now, he was not a worried person, though he has always been sensitive to noise, sensitive to odors, attuned to details, and rattled by emotional stories (e.g. books about kids who won't share). He loves amusement parks. He is social and extroverted and will even talk to these tattooed and pierced people -- he just won't look at them, and he'll be shaking the whole time. His odor sensitivity is at an all-time high right now.

We do live in NYC and in a busy neighborhood, so there are lots of colorful people around, plus sad/strange sights like homeless and drunk people.

His life seemingly has no stresses or traumas. Happy family, no deaths, no injury, (no choking), no school, no long separations, no siblings, no new bed, no new caregiver, etc.

I know that some fearfulness is normal at this age, but this feels like a big change. Or are big changes normal?

Take a math course to overcome math fear?

epanalepsis — Mon, 01 Oct 2012 13:50:32 -0800

Math is sexy! But I am afraid of math. What class should I take to overcome my fear and get cozy with numbers? At an early age I decided math and science were scary and thus avoided them for the rest of my life, focusing instead on "soft" subjects like history and literature. Nobody ever suggested I should do otherwise. (Yes, I am female.)

But as an adult, I've realized I think STEM subjects are interesting, and math is important. Now I have a desire to prove to myself, as a matter of personal development, that math is NOT scary (or confirm that it is, but through actual experience rather than prejudice). I have the opportunity to take an undergraduate-level math course--should I? And what should it be? Calculus, physics, or...?

I never grew out of fear of the dark.

juniper — Thu, 06 Sep 2012 11:26:46 -0800

I am an adult with fear of the dark, along with other anxiety problems. I hate driving in the dark, even on streets with streetlights (I even hesitate to ride in the car at night) and feel panicky in dark rooms. I sleep with a nightlight, but wish it didn't feel like a necessity, and with fall coming, I dread the long nights ahead. Beyond therapy (which I have tried for my other problems and cannot currently afford) are there any methods of coping with this?