Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with fear

How do you overcome fear of death when you have faced major medical problems?

Anonymous — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 07:44:19 -0800

I had a large non-cancerous tumor removed a few years ago. The tumor and the two surgeries required to remove it left me unable to work for a year and $50,000 in debt. My problem is that anytime I have any pain in any part of my body, I now fear the worst. If I have pain in my abdomen, I am afraid I have stomach cancer, or liver cancer. If I have a headache, I am afraid it is a blood clot that will lead to a stroke. I have become a complete hypochondriac in the worst way. I fear cancer, I fear death, I fear the absolute worst case when I have even minor physical problems. Basically, what I am asking is how to stop fearing the worst, when the worst has actually happened to me. Does anyone who has suffered through a major medical trauma have any advice on how to stop the fear that it will happen again...that my carefully reconstructed life will be ripped apart again...that the next time I won't survive.

I am terrified of talking on the phone but my job responsibilities will require me to do so.

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 16:06:15 -0800

I have a near-pathological fear of talking to strangers on the phone. My expanded job duties will soon include calling clients. How do I get past this fear? I am already looking for another job for unrelated reasons, but it is likely that I will be in this one for another few months due to the economy etc. Plus this is just a fear I'll have to get past in any job.

I think this mainly stems from the fact that I am hearing impaired and had speech therapy for years. I can function perfectly well with people I know, and I don't have too many problems in person, but over the phone I have trouble understanding people, and they have trouble understanding me. I get embarrassed when I have to repeat myself or ask them to repeat words. It is not a volume level, I have devices to help me with that. In my non-work life I try my best to use email wherever possible when I have to contact businesses or other people I don't know.

I will not be making cold calls, I will be calling existing clients to verify information, confirm orders, etc. Normally I will only talk to them once or twice so it is not as if I will be building an ongoing relationship. I expect a large proportion of clients will not speak English in the way that I do (accents, dialect) which increases the frustration in trying to understand each other. Up to now I have not had to make phone calls in this job. They are expanding my duties.

I really need to get past this because I think it will hinder my future career. The anxiety is such that my stomach tightens even writing this.

Please give me some advice on how to start my post university life!

tumples — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 19:57:22 -0800

How do I figure out what I can and/or should do after my undergraduate degree? I am halfway through my last year of my undergraduate degree in History, at a UK university. As graduation draws ever closer I am getting more worried about what is going to happen after the university bubble pops. I am told in every form of media that the job market for graduates is appalling at the moment, and that doesn't even matter since I have no idea what I want to try and aim to do with this degree anyway. I feel like I have been slightly conned into this degree when I was younger and more naive, and I regret not getting a more technical and employable degree.

How do I know if I should pursue a Masters? I mainly want to do one for the interest of learning rather than for any career purpose, and to hopefully study abroad in the Netherlands or somewhere in mainland Europe. I realise that these aren't the best reasons to consider a post graduate program. Are there any ways I can get to live in europe while still supporting myself?

Basically, through all of this mess of unorganised thoughts, I would just appreciate any information, help, advice, anecdotes, anything that is related to this problem of facing the big wide world.

Music brings out emotions in me, I need to disassociate these emotions

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 20:28:48 -0800

Certain songs bring out memories for me and that's normal. But sometimes, I hear a song that I listened to during a particularly bad time in my life and I'm afraid that I will re-live that time, or even more stupidly, that I will re-experience it. How do I stop doing this to myself? There's some great music out there that I'm withholding myself from. Examples:

- I was listening to a lot of Metric before and after I broke up with my girlfriend and after that, I can't bring myself to listen to them again.

- Listened to a lot of Beck around the time my parents decided to split and really can't listen to him anymore.

Help. I'm a pansy.

Anonymous — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 06:04:31 -0800

This is so shameful. I haven't seen a dentist since 2005. I've always been terrified of the dentist, but now it's been more than four years. When I finally go again, it will be so much worse. My teeth hurt sometimes, so I probably have cavities. What if I need a root canal? And the scraping! I know this sounds stupid, but for me, the scraping is the worst part. It's the way it sounds and the way it feels. It's not just the stabbing my gums with metal hooks, which novocaine helps... nothing helps the scraping.

So I can't go on like this, things will just get worse and worse. I have to go. I tried googling to find a sedation dentist... I feel so paralyzed by anxiety. I got nowhere.

Here are my conisderations. MetaFilter, please help me get this done. You are far more rational than I am and I need someone's objective, unemotional guidance.

Nutshell:

I need to see a dentist. I need a cleaning and to figure out if I have cavities, and if I do, I need to have them treated. I don't know what else I might need.

I do not have dental insurance. I do not have any money. I'm living without a cushion right now. My parents said they would pay for a visit to the dentist as a birthday present, but there is a limit to what I can ask them to pay.

Because of the financial constraints, I feel like I have to get it right the first time. If I go to a dentist who does a bad job, I will be stuck with it. This contributes to my anxiety and paralysis.

Sedation dentistry seems perfect but incredibly expensive. Do I need to accept that this is not an option for me right now, or are there reasonably-priced sedation dentists who are also reliable and good?

I'm in NYC.

Is it okay to lie to your parents to avoid seeing them on the holidays?

bananaskin — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 14:23:46 -0800

How can I handle my feelings for my parents during this holiday season? I am a 40 year old, single woman, without children. I have lived away from my parents for the past 15 years or so, but recently, they have moved to 1 hour away from me (not to be near me, but to be near relatives).

Although my past with them, both as a child and up to the past year, has not been the WORST, it has been extremely difficult. My parents were both very prominent in our church, yet did not do as they "preached" at home.

I try to limit my time with them as much as possible as I have felt, and still do, very anxious, even to the point of heart palpitations, headaches, sweating, stomach aches, when I have plans to be around them and then during the time when I am around them.

At the same time, I fear NOT going to Thanksgiving and Christmas as the fall out from that may be difficult as well (calling me on the phone to chew me out, talking badly about me to the relatives).

I am "past" the point of trying to work this out with them, as I have tried, but they just can not accept me as an adult with valid opinions. They still look at me as a child and treat my concerns as such. So, what should I do?

Usually, I give an excuse, a lie, to get out of seeing them on at least one of the 2 holidays, then spend it alone....which may or may not be too bad. (please do not tell me to go spend the holiday with "friends").

I just do not want to go. What should I do?
Thank you everyone!

Is she simply not attracted to me?

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 10:37:44 -0800

I've been with my current girlfriend for about 6 months. We are sexually active and have intercourse about 5 times per week (sometimes more frequently). However, throughout our relationship, my girlfriend has only touched my penis twice. We had a conversation this weekend about our previous partners, and she told me that she has performed fellatio on each one of her previous boyfriends (3), in addition to two other people. She then followed up her statement by saying that she is "afraid" to perform on me, because she is "shy". What do I make of this? I'm a hyper-analytical person, so my first assumption is that she's just not into me. What are some other possibilities? Our relationship, to date, has been thriving. She claims that I am the first person she's ever been in love with, and talks about our future together. How is it possible that she is afraid of my penis? P.S. I'm slightly above average in length (7") and girth.

I don't want to go, but I should. Help me find a dentist and help me get over my fear.

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 07:39:03 -0800

I'm scared of going to the dentist. How do I find one that will understand and how do I prepare myself for going to my first appointment in years? Hi. I'm a 20-something woman who is coming to terms with the fact that I need to go to the dentist. It's been several years. I take very good care of my teeth, but I recognize that some problems may develop and that it would be better to prevent rather than fix. The problem is that I'm really scared.

My experience with dentists is not very good. I had a terrible experience with a dentist who lost his temper with me on my first visit as a 4 year old. He yelled at me and made me cry. After that, I went to a children's dentist and they also yelled at me, routinely left me alone in the chair for up to an hour at a time and did not seem to care about my comfort or pain levels. It seems every dentist I've had at some point ridiculed or yelled at me or caused me undue pain or neglect when it could have been prevented. I do not consider myself to be a coward and have been though surgery, routine doctor visits and many other procedures without any problems at all. It is just my extreme negative interactions with dentists that have caused me to stay away all these years.

So how do I find someone who cares? What is reasonable to ask about when you call to make an appointment? I don't feel I can outright ask, "Is Dr. Dentist a patient man/woman who will not yell at or mock me?" I live in a small town and I don't think there is sedation dentistry here. I do not know many people here to ask for recommendations. Is it reasonable to want to meet the dentist beforehand? What about the hygenists? I could have the best dentist in the world, but if his or her hygentist is not also compassionate, then what to do? They seem to spend the most time with patients on routine visits.

Assuming I find the best dentist ever, I also need help in learning how to prepare mentally. I have developed a score of phobias around the dentist. I have an extreme aversion to the grinding of teeth, which usually happens if they are moist and have toothpaste or some kind of cleaning agent on them. I dislike the vaccuum used to vaccuum out fluid and often wish that I were in control or could just spit and rinse it all out myself. I don't like being left alone in the chair. Finally, I also have an extremely powerful gag reflex that is easily triggered (probably why I hate that vaccuum thing).

So how do I cope with those things? Is there anything I can do to get over them or prevent them from happening? Is any dentist going to take those concerns seriously? If I had to rank them in terms of terror, I would put gagging as 1, grinding teeth as 2, vaccuum thing as 3 and being left alone as 4. I don't think I care as much about pain.

I recognize that I have a lot of issues, but would like to avoid therapy if at all possible. I did see this question (http://ask.metafilter.com/114191/How-can-I-find-a-dentist-who-is-good-with-terrified-patients) and it helped, but I have some specific issues I need to address and wanted to know about coping. Please help if you can.

Throwaway e-mail address: askme.scaredofthedentist@gmail.com

TIA!

sudden surgery

Cat Pie Hurts — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 13:44:37 -0800

Sudden substernal thyroid surgery dealing with the now and the after. I'm an overweight 36 year old male who has breathing issues for a few years now. I quit smoking a few years ago, hoping the breathing would improve, but it didn't. So I lost a lot of weight. That helped a bit, but not too much.

My GP thought it might be my tonsils, so she sent me to an ENT. The ENT found a "large mass" in my neck, so he sent me for a CT scan yesterday. The results of yesterday's scan show that my thyroid is massive and extends below my sternum. It is also causing significant compression of my trachea. My GP called in a surgeon who wants to remove my thyroid immediately because of the severe compression and concern over choking. I've been living with the issue for awhile now and have learned to compensate.

What it comes down to is:

Today has been a snowball of phonecalls and appointments and I am lost an terrified.

The surgeon has already scheduled the surgery for Tuesday (the day before my freaking birthday). He feels that it's urgent that the thyroid is removed.

1. I want some time, even if it's only a week, just to "get my affairs in order". Yes, whatever that means. I know surgery is risky business. I have never had anesthesia before and I am overweight, so that puts me at much greater risk. Can I push for that time?

2. This is a rollercoaster. How do I deal? If I don't get that time, do I just let go and roll with it?

3. Post substernal thyroidectomy recovery. What can I expect? Everything I've read applies specifically to women. Any male specific advice?

4. I'm not kidding. If they're taking it out, I want it. What can I do to let me keep my thyroid in some preservative fluid? It's mine, dammit!

Thanks, everyone. I'm so freaking scared right now, it isn't funny, but the surgeon and my GP assure me that I'll have an immediate quality of life improvement post-surgery (breathing!).

What type of massage should I try... if any?

cheapskatebay — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 13:55:04 -0800

What type of massage should I try... if any? I'm mustering up the courage to schedule a massage, and, given my quirks described below, I'd appreciate any recommendations as to the kind of massage I should have, if any, and the type of questions or requests I should ask of the therapist.

I'll be running a half-marathon in a little over a week and I may have an opportunity to schedule a massage two days after that race. This would be partially a reward for finishing the race, but primarily an attempt to get over my fear of having a massage. I'm a mediocre but dedicated runner. I'm not experiencing any particular running-related pain or injuries; this just happens to be when I have a window of time to schedule a massage.

I'm scared of getting a massage, even though I suspect it would be helpful and would ultimately feel good. I am very inflexible and I find the little stretching I am able to do to be painful and difficult. (I find it painful to use "The Stick" on my legs, for instance, for any other runners who are familiar with that device.) I've had substantial reconstructive surgeries on both of my shoulders, too, and I tend to flinch when anyone touches my shoulders or upper back. In general, I find it very difficult to relax, either mentally or physically. I'm nearly always "tight" and I often experience mild discomfort and, rarely, some pain in my neck and shoulders as a result.

I'm not particularly concerned about post-massage pain (this question was helpful in that regard); I'm more concerned about discomfort and pain, and the inability to relax, during the massage.

It may be that I'm the sort of neurotic, stiff, physically sensitive person for whom massage just doesn't "work." Since everyone I know who's had a massage has liked it, though, and since it just might do me a world of good, I'm willing to try a massage to see if I'll benefit... with a lot of trepidation!

Is there a particular type of massage that might be appropriate? Swedish massage is what some have recommended, as it is apparently more gentle than deep tissue massage.

I assume I will need to explain my concerns to the therapist, and I'm fine with that. I'm sure that trying to relax ahead of time, arriving early to get acclimated, and doing what I can to maintain a positive mental attitude will be helpful, too. Are there any particular questions you think I should ask, given my specific concerns?

Adjusting my Sails

Rubbstone — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 21:32:47 -0800

Do I give in to wanderlust? Or go back to school for a grad degree in Comp. Engr with an eye to robotics? I'm a graduate of Morehouse College with A Physics Degree. I'm kind of pigeonholed in the current economy and unsure of what the next step would be. I had a full scholarship when I went to school but since then I've under achieved to a 2.99 which would be a 3.25+ minus leadership and art classes. I like my job in customer service most of the time but its draining for the introvert. I don't want to be around people that bore me right now. My family is recomending me for grad school at this point and their right, if I'm going now is the time. But,should I. I'm not even sure what I would want to be a good outcome. I'm smart a problem solver and a fast worker who knows how to work with difficult situations. I want to be my own boss and I like designing things, thinking aobut what people need and occassionally being with people. Do you have any ideas for me? Any places I should look or go. I've been thinking military but I'm already chaffing at my jo,bs rules I think that would be worse. Half the time I feel like I should blow all my money and skip town

I'm too old for this $#!&

the NATURAL — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 05:30:47 -0800

My bedroom creeps me the #%^* out. What can I do to alleviate my (somewhat) irrational fears? (hacks, consumer products, etc.) I'm 9 months into living in an old, ollllld house -- one with lots of creaks and cracks. Add that to my incessantly hyperactive and paranoid imagination, and I have a lot of trouble sleeping.

For a while at first, I was sleeping with the light on. Then, I ended up taking care of my cousin's dog, and things got a lot better. However, I still have a flagrantly hyperactive imagination. After I saw The Ring and The Grudge in fits of self-masochism, I had trouble sleeping for weeks. Even now, I don't even need to see the previews of movies like Paranormal Activity for me to start getting creeped out. Right now, the dog is sound asleep on the bed, but here I am typing (and jumpy)...

As such, it's not really burglars/criminals/etc. that I worry about (humans, I can deal with), but the imaginary (and not-so imaginary) hibbidyjibby creepers. When I used to live in urban Philly, the ambient street noise at night was an excellent lullaby. Now, in suburban Honolulu, the quiet just accentuates the bumps.

I've read a little into the previous MeFi posts on this topic, and while they're somewhat useful I still can't seem to dispel the feelings of vulnerability and fear that I feel when I turn the lights out. For me, that period between lights out and sleep is one of the most stressful times of my day.

What can I do/buy/try to make me feel better?

A ladder left behind

Funmonkey1 — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 02:55:24 -0800

[FearFilter]: 15 years ago I experienced an imminent death/serious injury moment that turned out ok. However, I still feel physical chills and tingly feelings even thinking about it. Am I the only one or is this common? Thoughts and stories appreciated. The science is a huge bonus. Short background. Many years ago some friends and I decided to put a ladder out the 3rd floor house in order to gain access to the roof.

I clearly recall the way back down the ladder and it is no mistake, balance was against me. That 1 second of fighting against of gravity while looking down is ingrained in my mind. The moment is etched forever in the brain and triggers immediate fear and physical response if I focus on it. WTF? After so long?

I can't be the only one that has such a memory that stirs such strong physical and emotion reaction. What is it called and how does one not be so jolted?

Can a response be classified fear/anxiety if the expected physiological signs evoked by the stimulus are roughly the opposite of what you would expect?

adipocere — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:52:03 -0800

Can a response be classified fear/anxiety if the expected physiological signs evoked by the stimulus are roughly the opposite of what you would expect? Or do some people's bodies respond to fear in this way? I have a mostly backwards response to things which I do not want to do. Rather than shaking, sweating, and other signs like increased pulse, I seem to grow apathetic, even lethargic in some instances. It doesn't feel like "fear," though.

If it something of which I am mildly avoidant, I become less and less interested in whatever the perceived rewards and benefits might be as I goad myself nearer to it. For example, I am not a big fan of heights (well, falling, really); if a few thousand dollars were taped to the top of something, and I had only a sketchy ladder to get to it, at the second step I would begin to question the wisdom of doing this and by the fifth step I probably would have renounced the need for money entirely. I come back down the ladder and I'm fine again.

If it is something of which I am highly avoidant (even at that moment, had I previously looked forward to it), I begin to experience a kind of draining sensation. My heartbeat and respiration slow down. I become less responsive. I sweat less. In the more extreme circumstances, my torpidity exceeds that of what you might expect someone on a hefty dose of chlorpromazine to manifest. Time seems to fly by, while I experience the sensation of being covered with a heavy blanket. I can be completely ennervated. As I stop pushing myself to do whatever it is, things return to normal. I seem to recover rapidly enough, though if I keep pushing myself to do something I am just not in the mood for tonight it might take a couple of hours to stop feeling so draggy. My appetite might be nil for about twelve hours.

I'm usually calm, though not frozen, in situations of actual physical danger, with the usual speedy responses expected of anyone else. My startle reflex is fine. My physiological psych books had nothing on this. I'm not drooling or tearing up during this, so it doesn't seem as clear as sympathetic versus parasympathetic. This isn't distressing so much as it is annoying.

I'm not lacking any physiological response to fear, so let's not go reaching for the PCL-R just yet. My GP's response was a somewhat longer version of "I've never heard of that, but I wouldn't worry about it," so, I hoped someone here might have heard of it.

Help a massive sissy get contact lenses

paultopia — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 12:27:11 -0800

I'm a long-term glasses wearer who is going to try to make the leap to contacts. Problem: I have a really strong flinch reflex/phobia of things going into my eye. What to do about this? I tend to freak out and pull away, e.g., during eye exams when they blow air into the eye or, worse, bring a microscope very close to my eye. The optometrist says I'll "maybe" be able to get contacts, and that he has seen worse (i.e., people fainting when the microscope gets close), but that I'm pretty bad.

I have a "training" appointment for contacts on Friday. What can I do to prepare for this? Does anyone else with a flinch reflex/eye phobia have any tips or stories about getting through this and getting comfortable with contacts?

(And should I have a couple drinks [etc.] beforehand, or is that a really stupid idea?)

Help me get over my fear of inadequateness in workplace

the_dude — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 08:48:52 -0800

I'm having trouble adjusting to an environment where everyone around me seems to be leaps and bounds more advanced. I'm working at a small tech company (with big clients). It's very technically oriented, not like a consulting firm, we just develop stuff all the time. I'm a recent hire; kind of made my way in through luck and they seemed to like some of the stuff I used to work on.

What my problem is that although I'm fairly competent (at least passable) in my field, I feel like my co-workers are just geniuses that seem to be able to do anything faster or better than I can. And it has been literally rendering me pretty much dysfunctional lately.

For example, I come up with an idea that we can all work on. Start researching for it, talk to my co-workers about it. And before I can actually start doing anything about it, like a day later, one of my co-workers excitedly show up at my desk, showing off what he did with my idea; he just implemented it in the time it took me to get my head around some of the technicalities. Don't get me wrong; I'm not jealous or mad and I have *no* hard feelings towards that guy or anything.

Stuff like this happens just keeps happening. And I feel growingly incompetent.

What it makes me feel like is just being unable to start doing anything on my own. It's to a point that I feel like if I embark on something either it's going to be way too late compared to others or just it's going to fail (and them somebody will have to finish it up).

I do not want to give up what I am doing and I know I'm in a place where I had been working for a good part of my life. I can't let this go. However, I need some help to get around my fears. Or whatever you call them.

How do I combat my knee-jerk racist responses?

Anonymous — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 07:50:38 -0800

How do I combat my knee-jerk racist responses? Recently, I moved from an all-white area to a diverse neighborhood. I am having trouble dealing with my reaction to the many young black males who live in the area. My street is middle-class and racially diverse, but there is a low-income, mostly black neighborhood just blocks away, with frequent robberies and occasional shootings. There's a known drug corner 2 blocks away. The crime has spread to our neighborhood, and there are multiple home break-ins every week. We hear police sirens every night. About once a week, someone gets held up at knife/gunpoint while pulling into their garage.

Last week I turned into the alley to park in my garage, and there was an SUV parked directly in front of my garage door with its lights on and the engine running. There was a group of young black men in the alley dressed in stereotypical urban fashions, conversing loudly (but not aggressively) with each other. I froze, not knowing if I should approach. I steeled myself and moved forward, gesturing towards the garage door. The driver didn't know what I meant, so he exited his car and walked towards mine. I opened the window a crack and asked if he could back up. He was unfailingly polite and called me "Ma'am," and at that point I felt like a total jerk for making a racist assumption. I pulled into the garage and nothing else happened.

Earlier in the summer I saw a group of black men across the street in front of someone's yard, talking and drinking beer in front of a rundown car, and I was immediately suspicious, until I saw that one of them was trimming hedges and planting flowers. It's become clear that he lives there and wasn't doing yardwork as a job, and again I felt like a jerk.

I won't claim that "some of my best friends are black," because that's false. I grew up almost entirely around whites. I do currently work with black men (and women) and often find myself in elevators alone with young black men. I have no such trepidation about this. I'm leftist in my politics and just feel like a bad person for feeling this way. Given the levels of crime in my neighborhood and poverty in the adjacent neighborhood, there obviously are SOME dangerous people around, and I don't feel it unreasonable to be a bit more on guard than I would be in a small town or suburb, but how do I combat the pervasive and often racist fear? I'm female, married, and (obviously) white. Moving is not an option, and overall I like the area.

My friend's rant about Vancouver women are actually based on at least a sliver of fact?

porpoise — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 20:42:12 -0800

Walking down an uncrowded/empty street, someone of the opposite sex walking towards you. 10+ paces away, they're usually, or may not (sunglasses, distance), be looking at you (sunglasses, distance), 10 paces away, they look away from your direction, between 1 and 2 paces away, they quickly look to see if you're looking at them... ... in safe neighbourhoods, I don't parse as a credible threat, and I may or may not actually have been looking at them outside of acknowledging that someone is walking down the street towards me (the quick look at 1 or 2 paces is what usually catches my attention).

No, I'm not staring at these people, sure, sometimes I see someone pretty and appreciate but will refrain from staring. I'm usually scanning if I'm somewhere unfamiliar/interesting or tunnel vision if I'm doing, say, a grocery run or going from the bus stop to the lab/home.

I have (my own) pessimistic assumptions, but my question is; do you (as in, the 'they' in the fpp) engage in this behaviour and I am very curious as to the motivation/intended end?

No, I don't by habit turn to look at people's faces laterally as they pass by.

Scared to death?

ladypants — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 20:11:52 -0800

What is this story about someone literally scared to death? Please help me find this story:

In India, a team executed a prisoner by telling him that he would bleed to death drop by drop, and then instead letting water drip on to the floor. And then he died. Something to this effect.

Somehow it was an experiment about the mind-body connection. And maybe it was quoted by Jerome Groopman (or in another pop medical book).

I recall that it was quoted as an actual medical article with references. Has anyone else head of this article? Could you direct me to it? Anything similar in PubMed?

How long to bounce back?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:34:19 -0800

Meltdownfilter: after some traumas I finally fell apart and I'm scared about what, and how long it will take to recover. I had a series of difficult life events happen over the last year including bereavement, stressful new job, and major (unexpected) surgery during my second year in a big new city with no support network. I've also been in an LDR but I got to the end of my tether and said I couldn't do the LDR thing anymore so SO got a job in my new city and is moving here in a month. He's really excited, but I worry how he'll cope with the city. We plan to get a place together at the end of my lease in November. I've also been studying part-time for a demanding subject, and trying to keep my grades up alongside full time work (I was 3/4 time before) is much harder than I'd anticipated.

I noticed myself becoming more withdrawn over the past six months but brushed it off as just needing lots of study time. However, things came to a head recently and I was signed off work for a while after falling apart in my boss's office. I've now been disgnosed with mild depression by my GP and I'm scared. So much needs to change, and I'm not sure how to get strong enough to do this. The doctor is very kind and understanding, she offered me anti-depressants but I'm not sure I want medication, I'm afraid of getting into a cycle of dependancy. I'm also worried for my SO - he's been very supportive, but he does have a fear of depression (a family member suffered very bad depression when he was younger and it has very negative connotations for him). I don't want to have to tell work about this either as they're experiencing a really tough time right now and need staff to be fully with it. Even though (up til now) I've been appreciated by my boss I know the job is a bad fit for me, but I don't feel strong enough to start a new one right now. I do have around 6-8 months of living expenses saved but the whole reason I took this job was to be able to get some funds together and I don't want to blow it all. If my SO wasn't coming here I would just quit my job and return to our former small city to live cheaply for three months whilst I sort myself out. But that's not really an option right now. I feel panicky and trapped and also that I've totally let both my boss and my SO down when they really need me. I'm scared to tell my friends/family what's going on. I don't really know why.

I have an appointment with a therapist this week, but I'm feeling slightly panicked about what to say. I'm really, really confused. Does anyone have any perspective? Thanks.

Paging Julia Cameron!

mynameisluka — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 17:26:28 -0800

Published writers, how did you deal with post-sale paralysis? Nutshell version: How did you deal with post-sale paralysis and write the damn book anyway?

Longer version: So...I got The Call, The Deal, The Contract, even The Check for a non-fiction book with a major publisher. And now I have a January 15 deadline and a contractually-stipulated word count and the flashing cursor of doom and I am just paralyzed.

Though my deadline is in January I need to come in significantly ahead of deadline to give my agent time to read and make suggestions/revisions. My general outline is pinned down and I'd wager I have 10% of an incredibly shitty, incredibly amateurish and dismal first draft written. And here I have stalled, paralyzed and terrified.

Tactics I have tried thus far: bribery, fear, spreadsheets, gold stars, mockery, marathon writing sessions.

If it helps, I have a history of procrastinating on projects until deadlines loom large and then finishing them with guts and glory at the last possible minute. This approach is not an option for this work. It won't be good, and plus it deserves my time and attention. In addition, I am a full-time freelance writer, so it's not like I fear the editorial process or deadlines in general. I'm just scared.

Any advice/suggestions? Commentary on how amateurish first-timers should not attempt to sell books that haven't been completed yet is unwelcome at this point, since all non-fiction sells on proposal and since it may cause me to freak. :)

Sensible Caution or Fear Mongering?

esereth — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 14:39:04 -0800

Did you (your wife) eat peanuts while pregnant? Did you child develop an allergy as a result? As we consider the conception of our second child, my husband and I are having disagreements.

My husband put me off many foods when pregnant with our first. Peanuts, sea-food, even single glasses of ice tea. Our daughter was born healthy with no allergies. Husband says I couldn't live with myself if ate peanuts with this pregnancy and the child was damaged. (Neither of us have any food allergies).

I have come to believe there is a lot of fear-mongering when it comes to pregnancy and children, and I'm so sick of participating in it. I suspect most babies are tougher than the people who sell books and magazines would have me believe. Even my ob/gyn looked quizzical when I said I wasn't eating peanuts.

So I'm down to requesting anecdotal evidence. I want to know more about what DOES happen, not what we fear COULD happen. Peanuts, reasonable caffeine, sea food, mild alcohol...did you (she) imbibe in any of them and what were the effects on your child? (Especially peanuts!!)

I need direction and some more motivation in my life.

mind2body — Sun, 10 May 2009 22:09:03 -0800

I am getting extremely anxious about applying to colleges as a transfer student and I need advice on how to deal with it. I have been having a really tough time trying to figure out where to transfer too. It is dependent on my grades and I don't think anyone would find me interesting enough to accept me. I was a B average student in H.S and my parents never encouraged me to go to college directly after high school. I was sort of forced into getting into community college. Technically I did not flourish as much as I wanted. My work ethic is strong but my motivation is weak. I have a lot of B-'s, very few A's and a couple C's in community college. I hated the place the moment I started and my main goal was to get out of there so I was socially isolating myself from the rest of the student population and it turn it killed my grades because I felt so lonely and overworked. I thought that was the formula to get out of CC and into a university somewhere. Boy, was I wrong.

I had a dream of getting into the honor society but my GPA never got higher than a 3.2. I feel I am forced to stick with a instate school when I really wanted to go out of state. My goal is just to get out of this town and branch out. My brother is telling me to seriously consider this school that my parents have attended in a city that is only 30 minutes away! Why would I do such a thing? I really have no idea about my motivations on going on to college is. The only thing that seems to keep me going is moving out.

I feel that my grades don't even represent me. I feel that my immediate family is caring more that I get into a "good" college rather then care about what I want to do right this minute. i have seriously considered a year gap but decided not too because I have no resources to do such a thing and I would not be supported. I am hating college the more I am forced to get into it....

I know the realities of getting a degree is better than working in low wage jobs. I know why it is important to go but I am burnt out to the core. My only other saver is to consider taking the SAT and I don't even want to that even though most of the best colleges require it. I just don't want to apply ANYWHERE.

Taking time off is just never the right answer because I will just lose everything I have learned and it will make it harder to go back. I feel like I am being compared to my brother who got into really great schools.....

What should I seriously be considering now?

My dog may need a shrink!

Mrs. Smith — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 05:32:14 -0800

Our dog is suddenly afraid of something and won't leave our side... Recently--maybe for 3 months now--our dog will go through periods of time when she seems to be totally afraid and won't leave our side. She even scratched on our door in the middle of the night one night, which she's never ever done before, so we would open the door for her.

She is 9 years old, a lab/retriever mix. She hasn't had any sudden things happen to her that might have scared her. She is a house dog and only goes outside in our fenced yard. She is treated like one of the family and we show her affection daily.

Any ideas why she's suddenly so freaked out?

Extreme procrastination

Anonymous — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 09:19:42 -0800

I'm in trouble because I try to ignore trouble. I'm very afraid of suffering. Therefore, when anything could have an adverse effect on me, I try to avoid it.

This leads to problems: I haven't been reading my main email account for 5 months. I'm simply too afraid of what it may contain.

Now I need to check on that account: it's how I'll know I have graduated. In fact, to keep my current (well-paying) job, I need to have graduated. But altough my grades were all good in my last semester, I don't know if I've actually graduated, because I haven't been checking my email.

I should be able to get myself to do it, but I haven't [I have a drinking problem -- probably the subject of a future askme].
My family lives a few hours away, but I'd like to keep them out of the loop. I know they're in a very good position to help me, but I want, as close as is possible, to keep a "not-a-total-fuck-up" self-image.
My friend live in other cities. I'm also scared-to-death of them. [self-defeating? you bet.]

I need basic help to do basic things: check my email, get my situation at work regularized, renew my public health insurance [my situation has been going on for several months; I've been avoiding all obligations I could]. Given what I read about social workers on mefi, I think one would be able to help me [fill forms, check out on me; etc.]. But I don't think I fit the traditional profile: as long as I keep my job, I do alright monetarily; alcohol is the only drug I use; I'm college-educated.

I realize I need to get help. A few years ago, I tried talk therapy for 10 sessions and it didn't lead to much [maybe a longer approach would work; this would be more expensive, but is alright as long as I keep my job]. I will try to talk to my union representative tomorrow (I don't think I'm in any shape to work).

I live in Gatineau, Quebec; you can reach me at earltremblay@yahoo.ca