Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with fauxpas

It wasn't kosher but does it matter?

QuantumMeruit — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 16:28:46 -0800

Should I apologize (or otherwise acknowledge our "oops") for cooking my Jewish co-worker's family a decidedly non-kosher dish following the birth of their first child? A close co-worker's wife had their first child last week. Mom and baby are home and doing fine. Last month, we also gave them a pretty large care package of baby/new mom stuff.

Because we are Experienced Parents, instead of sending flowers after they came home, my wife and I wanted to send over a home-cooked meal for the family. Without thinking things through, my wife took over a lasagna made with Italian (pork) sausage. The mother didn't say anything at the time. I think only my co-worker keeps kosher (I've seen his wife eat shellfish and pork). I certainly knew he kept kosher in a low-key, Reform kind of way, but my wife just didn't remember. (Their last name is VERY Anglo-Saxon.)

At first, I was all "OMG I need to call him right away to point out that the dish was made with pork", but then I realized that meat + cheese was a pretty clear non-kosher sign.

What's the appropriate thing to do tomorrow at work? Hive mind, where exactly do you think this this faux pas falls on the spectrum between "Eh, no big deal" versus "I can't believe how inconsiderate that was"?

An awkward moment lead to an invitation ... should I accept it?

TheyCallItPeace — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 16:31:50 -0800

I have been invited to a party just in order to make up for the faux pas of having it mentioned numerous times in my presence when I was not yet invited. Should I go? If not, how do I do so without burning any bridges? I was invited to my neighbour's place the other day, while some of her friends were there. During this visit (imagine a relaxed conversation on the porch in a summer evening), numerous times other people mentioned a mid-week party ("What should I bring?"), which I had not been invited to. Although I felt it was a bit rude for these people to bring up said party, I did not expect to be invited (I barely know these people), neither did I express any awkwardness.

However, eventually the people that will throw the party moved inside to get something, and it is my impression that at this point they discussed the faux pas (they were not the ones who committed it), and when they reemerged to leave (at which time I was leaving as well), they invited me to this birthday party. Not knowing what to say, I thanked them, and said I'd be glad to go.

However, because I have met these people only a handful of times, and because it seems they made the invitation out of politeness as opposed to genuine desire to have me attend, I am inclined not to go -- I am also a bit shy, and while they all speak English, I believe the party will essentially be in the local language (the native language of the birthday person and of most of his friends, I assume), which is very new to me, and which I can barely buy groceries with.

I only hesitate because I am in a new city where I don't know anyone, and these people are some of the very few people I have met in almost a year (and they are nice, but it is not like were have all connected ... we just happen to have the same mother tongue). I would hate to offend them, although I suspect my absence would be a non-event.

My questions are:

(1) Should I go? Is it a good idea to go to a party where you just kinda know ~5 people, and when you were the invitation sprung out of an awkward moment?

(2) If I don't go, how do I make sure I don't offend anyone? I was thinking of making a lame excuse ("I have collaborators in town from abroad (which is true), and I am expected to entertain them (which is not)"), dropping off a bottle of reasonably nice wine at the neighbor as asking her to give it in my place along with apologies for the absence. Would that smooth things out and not make me look anti-social and rude?

Having a Fashion Emergency!

Muffy — Thu, 07 May 2009 12:10:06 -0800

Going to an engagement party tonight, as a guest. Is it okay if I wear a white dress? Is it a faux pas? The dress is a simple white shift mini dress with cap sleeves and silver flecks. I'm wearing opaque black pantyhose to give it a mod look, but I have been told with a 50/50 response that it's not okay to wear white to an engagement party. What do you think?

How do I stop offending people with my anxiety?

giraffe — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 12:27:55 -0800

I left Easter dinner early due to anxiety. My family is angry. How can I make everyone happy? (Extremely limited background: It is well-known in my family that I suffer from depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, my family does not "believe in" anxiety or mood disorders. I've essentially been told to "walk it off" by all of my close relatives.)

I get panic attacks due to anxiety and claustrophobia sometimes. For the second time in as many major family holidays, my sister has invited me to what seemed like a small family affair, and turned out to be a major party with friends, screaming kids and yelling at the TV all in one cramped space. I do want to see my family, but these events are far too stressful for me to manage. On Christmas I was all but dragged out of the basement while having a panic attack so people could sing "Happy Birthday" and shove a cupcake in my face (my birthday was coming up). I left immediately afterward, which, according to my mother, upset more than a couple of people.

Yesterday at Easter I had to leave between dinner and dessert because I started to get that "I'm about to implode or possibly die" feeling. I missed saying goodbye to a couple of people in my desperate attempt to leave the building, and when I spoke to my mother today she reported that my sister felt offended that I'd left and others were angry with me because of "the way [I] acted." The conversation made me feel like the world's biggest asshole. I'd figured telling someone "having a panic attack, will catch up with you later" would be enough of an explanation, but I was incredibly wrong.

I obviously have to apologize to my sister and the other people I snubbed, but I can't come up with a good enough reason for my bad behavior. I know saying, "I was going to have a panic attack" will seem like a weak excuse or like I'm trying to get people to feel bad for me. How do I make this right? How could I have handled this situation better? What should I do about future parties?

To you, this dating question is trivial; to me right now, it's monumental.

ocherdraco — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 18:51:42 -0800

Help me not work myself into a tizzy about a potential social faux pas. Caveat: this is longer than it has any right to be. Sorry, hive mind, and thanks for putting up with my obsessing over a rather trivial question.

So, there's this guy I met in a group I recently joined. I like him.

I am simultaneously the kind of person who doesn't hesitate to engage with people I like (so I invited him to an event) and the kind of person who is, you know, a little terrified of rejection (so I made the event a party at my house with other people from our group—I hadn't invited anyone else yet, I just suggested that I would have a party later this month, and I would like him to come).

In the end, I don't have time to throw a party, but there is a performance of one of my pieces of music this week at a church that has a concert series. So, I emailed him and suggested he join me for that instead. So, the email conversation (paraphrased):

me: I'm not going to have time to throw that party, but there is a concert of "Awesome Piece of Music" this week. Would you like to join me? [Note distinct lack of detail about how much tickets would cost, or that they would cost anything at all.]

him: That sounds like fun. Did you invite others from the group yet?

me: Not yet. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by excluding them.

him: Just invite a few people; don't worry about hurting their feelings.

me: Great! So you'll come?

him: Yeah! Sure!

me (to group): Come with me to this concert this week! It will be at this place, at this time, and you can get tickets online here, for $50.

The pertinent thing in all this is that I forgot to include the information about the ticket price in the initial email exchange (and didn't include a link to the event's webpage or anything like that), and only realized that I hadn't after I had sent the email out to the whole group. I haven't gotten any responses to that last email. Not from the guy or from any of the other people I invited. So I'm a little panicky.

I'm worried that a) it might have been an unwelcome surprise that the event I invited him to costs $50—I didn't really think about it costing so much since it's one of my favorites—and b) that I look weird for inviting a bunch of people to such an expensive event. My sister (to whom I expressed my anxiety) said, "He's an adult. If he didn't google an event before he agreed to go to, that's his problem."

My dilemma: should I add another email to our already pretty-darn-long email chain to say "Whoops, sorry, just realized I never gave you the ticket details on that before you agreed to come; hope it's not a problem" and risk looking even weirder than I'm already afraid I do, or should I just keep my mouth shut, quit panicking, hope nobody else does agree to come, and email him before the event to confirm when and where we'll meet?

Current interior monologue: I can't believe I screwed this up. I am lame lame lame. How does anyone ever manage to ask anybody else out on a date? Aaaaaaaaaaaargh. I am an idiot.

You are invited to an alcohol-free affair.

Ruby Doomsday — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 07:37:54 -0800

How necessary is it to serve alcoholic beverages at an evening ribbon-cutting ceremony? I work for a nonprofit, and we are celebrating the opening of a new location next month. We have typically held lunchtime ribbon-cutting events, but this time we are restricted to either a breakfast or after-hours event.

In discussing the options with my committee, the consensus is that we would get the most traffic (we are on a major thoroughfare) by having it in the evening. However, my contact at the chamber is insisting that we serve alcohol (she says it's an "unspoken expectation")... and that's something my bosses absolutely will not allow.

So, my questions are: 1. Are we committing some unforgivable social faux pas if we have an evening event without alcohol? 2. Considering that alcohol is not an option, would we be better off doing a morning event? There will be food either way.

If it's important, we are in Houston, and this location is in an affluent part of town (Memorial, for those who are familiar) with a lot of new business development.

city dog, country human

splendid animal — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 00:47:11 -0800

Can I go inside to order at a coffee shop when I have a dog with me? I recently began walking a dog 3 days/week in order to earn some spare cash while satisfying my need for a canine companion (I'm not able to have a dog of my own right now). He's a standard poodle (i.e., around 55lbs, fluffy, and absolutely adorable), and easily the most well-behaved dog I've ever known. I would like to be able to sit with him OUTSIDE at a coffee shop for an hour or so to do some light reading/work in his company.

There are a number of coffee shops along our walk routes, but I don't know if there's an etiquette (or if it's even legal!) for bringing him inside while I order, after which I would enjoy my drink with him at a table outside. I have a lot of dog experience, but am from a rural area and this whole dog-in-the-city thing is new to me. So I don't know if this is something I could do when it's just him and me. I don't want to just tie him outside because I'm afraid somebody would dognap him or otherwise make trouble - and again, I'm the dogsitter, not the dog-parent (his parents don't care where we walk or hang out as long as he's getting some exercise and company). My number one priority is to make sure he's safe and that we're not causing any mischief (or worse) when we're out and about.

I apologize if this is a silly or obvious question, but I am truly oblivious about this city-dog stuff. We're in West LA (near UCLA), if that helps. (I know the most obvious answer is probably "go to the coffee shop after you've walked him," but I just want to know if it's possible for me to take him along. I keep daydreaming about me, this wonderful dog, a cup of tea, and some productive journal-reading on a sunny afternoon in LA...)

wedding shower thing

frosty_hut — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 10:24:59 -0800

Wedding shower faux-pas, how to recover? I was recently invited, via a group email, to a wedding shower for another person at my part-time job. I've been there a year, and I've chatted with this woman a couple of times. I'm not one of her good friends obviously, but I was invited to a shower for the girls. I knew I wasn't going to be able to attend, but I planned to get her a gift.

Well the date of the shower came and went, and in the meantime I hadn't given her anything or even emailed her to say what was up. In my own defense I was terribly busy, and it just slipped off my radar. I think she and the other girl who set the thing up are upset with me, but it could be my imagination. Anyway, when I realized that I'd forgotten to RSVP, I put a card wishing her well and some candy in her mailbox (I'm a part-timer who works the evening shift, and I never see her).

I feel like both she and her friend who set the thing up are pissed off at me, and I'm very frustrated with myself--here I am trying to do my job and stay under the radar as a newish employee, and I'm just starting to feel competent about technical things in my position, but already I'm screwing up socially. It doesn't affect my paycheck, of course, but it makes me unhappy.

I never can manage to get into the swing of the girl vibe at work, and I'm beginning to resent that this is a part of what I'm expected to do. With two jobs and no way to get around except by bus at the moment, it's hard for me to keep many social committments, so I tend not to make them. When I get invited to something as a matter of course, like these showers that keep happening for people I barely know at work, it's like I've been placed on this conveyor belt and a clock starts ticking, and suddenly I'm under the gun to either RSVP and/or think of a suitable gift, and/or buy a gift, or tell the person I can't make it, or some combination of the above, and this time I messed up and they just didn't hear from me at all.

Did I screw up to the point that I deserve ostracism? (I don't have hard evidence of this, just a noticeable coolness on the part of the lady who sent out the invites). Should I go talk to the bride-to-be and apologize for not RSVPing?

How do you avoid staring at cleavage?

long haired lover from liverpool — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 14:02:51 -0800

How do you avoid looking down cleavage? So I'm sitting at a desk and a colleague bends down to talk to me. Huge pendelous breasts in front of me. I try to look her in the eyes while talking but that makes me seem weird, as does peering out of the window, or at the carpet.

I'm approaching middle age and I still don't know how to deal with this! Will I ever? As far as I can tell this is just instinct.

Help me get my foot out of my mouth.

frosty_hut — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 10:47:10 -0800

I put my foot in my mouth at a wedding. Help me get it out. I contract at a part-time job that I enjoy a lot. I'm hoping I'll be getting on their payroll soon (they're telling me this is possible). So one of my co-workers at this place invited me to his wedding, and I felt it was important for me to go. This guy has been training me and spending time with me off the clock, and he's helped me so much and is just the greatest person ever. So even though I was quaking at the thought of this thing, because my people skills are awful but especially bad in groups, and I've always dreaded parties, I knew I'd have to gird my loins and just get through this.

We greeted the bride and groom and they even chatted with us for a bit, though there were so many people. The groom asked me to hug him and I felt so warm and fuzzy!

We went to the reception, where despite being very tipsy, I manged not to fall down, break anything or insult anyone. And every minute was like an hour to me, because I'm horrible in these situations and have never figured out the mingling thing (I know there are some threads on here about that), but I soldiered on. So finally my husband and I were ready to leave, and as we were walking back to the car we were pretty full of ourselves and congratulating ourselves on how great we'd done, because we hadn't screwed up in any major way (he's also a bit shy and tense at these affairs).

And then another guy from work who was arriving late--I'll call him Jack--spotted us on the street and started chatting. I was very drunk by that time because I'd had shots and a bunch of wine at the party (not including what we'd imbibed at home), and I just started talking off the top of my head. My husband later told me that I said something to Jack about thinking the bride was a man. I can explain it, however. Her name is Asian, although she's not Asian, and for whatever reason I thought it was a masculine name. And there were other indications that my co-worker might be gay, and so I just assumed he was going to be marrying a man at a gay wedding. I've had other friends who did this and there was nothing odd about it, except that it turned out to be the wrong assumption. For weeks that was my honest-to-goodness belief. I discovered my co-worker was marrying a woman only a couple of weeks ago.

So anyway, now I'm worried that Jack thinks I'm a freak for stumbling up to him and talking all of that shit about the bride being a guy or looking like a guy or acting like one or something. It's not what I meant, but who knows how he took it? And the thought that this might get back to my co-worker and his adorable new wife makes me sick to my stomach. Jack is a quiet, very discreet guy, and if he even remembers what I said, it's not likely he'd repeat it. But I'm worried. And I'm full of self-loathing for having thought at age 40 plus that the best way to get through a party is by getting soused beforehand. I'm hating myself for doing that and thinking that, and it's devastating to me to think that I've grown so little in life that I'm still unable to face social situations without being in a fog of inebriation. (I rarely drink otherwise--it's mostly a utilitarian pursuit for me, so no threat of a drinking problem on the horizon as far as I can tell).

Anyway, how can I stop beating myself up over yakking drunkenly and having let something slip that I probably should never in a million years have even referred to? Should I go find Jack and find out what he thinks I said?

My sweet, supportive husband thinks I should stop worry about it, but I'm miserable right now.

Am I loser and/or should I just get over it?

frosty_hut — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 09:57:58 -0800

What am I doing wrong, or is this just a ships-passing-in-the-night thing? Since I was a kid I've had a lot of tough social issues--near pathological shyness (my parents and teachers thought I was autistic), mutliple phobias, a tendency to just shut down and go silent or literally run away, and an extreme fear of strangers and new situations. These things have been lifelong burdens.

I'm older now and have learned to adjust somewhat. I've been able to hold down jobs and get married and pass for normal. I don't feel any less fearful inside than I used to, but I've carefully studied how others behave, and I calibrate my actions and reactions very carefully to fit in, keeping most of the criticisms and corrections of others at bay. For the most part I think it works, but people still sense a coldness in me (or so I suspect), and I'm still the one person in the office that doesn't have a buddy, eats lunch alone, can't get into the groove of social office chat, etc. etc.

Okay, my current problem: Occasionally I'll meet someone I like a lot, which is rare, and then I'm really in a quandary. I'm not used to striking up casual friendships, so there's nothing easy about this for me. There's a guy I met at a contracting job recently, Martin, who really appealed to me. I'm not talking sexually, necessarily (I'm married and not looking for "discreet daytime encounters" or anything like that). We just clicked and started talking, because we were in the same situation--contract people who were basically auditioning for the same permanent radio position. We pretty much knew it was going to be either him or me, but we didn't feel competitive. We just joked around and gave each other support, and it was fun. He said he reminded me of himself when he first started out in radio, and I think I kind of developed a father-figure thing around him, though I'd be surprised if he's even ten years older than me.

Anyway, so I got a call yesterday that Martin has gone, so they need me to fill in. I'm feeling sad because I sort of feel like I edged him out, though it turns out neither of us was hired for the full-time position--I only got dibs on a part-time gig, and as I understand it, the same was offered to Martin, but he needs a full time job. So he left yesterday. I sent him an email, saying I'd like to stay in touch and have a brew sometime, but he hasn't responded and now I'm wondering if I did something wrong. I'm constantly worried about breaking social rules and making faux pas, because I'm sometimes oblivious to social cues.

I'm all worried now that Martin thinks I'm a lame dork, that I shouldn't have sent the message, that it was somehow inappropriate to communicate with him after he left. Maybe he thinks I'm coming on to him, or maybe I just barely registered to begin with. He enjoyed shooting the breeze with me, but now that I'm not around...outta sight, outta mind. Or it's possible he's so busy looking for work that he can't respond to me.

But I'll be stung by this if he doesn't answer, and it's going to make me more cautious in future. I feel like just giving up on the friendship thing. I thought it would be fun to have a new friend, and now I'm thinking: WTF! Get ahold of yourself, frosty! You're a lame loser and nobody gives a damn about you, so next time don't even bother trying.

This is too long by half, but I'd just appreciate your ideas on this...Should I keep trying to connect with him, or keep beating myself up about having risked it (it feels so good when I stop), or just move on?

Can I undo a bad interview answer?

Skwirl — Mon, 19 Jun 2006 17:48:33 -0800

Should a job interview faux pas be addressed in a thank you email? Half an hour ago, I just finished the first interview in my current job search. The job I interviewed for is a bit of a reach and I'm disappointed because, although I did well, I didn't do great. I'm also haunted by one of my answers.

I was interviewing for a position where I would be a liasion and mentor for about a dozen full-time volunteers who recieve a modest living allowance. One of the questions was about conflict resolution. No sweat. The follow-up question was, "If there is a rule that you or one of your volunteers disagrees with, how would you handle that?" After ramblingly repeating my answer to the previous question, I inadvertently added, "or there might be a situation where they might have to suck it up."

Ugh. Stupid anxiety disorder. It's a casual workplace, but not that casual, and it was a 100% bad answer, regardless of word choice. I landed on this answer because I was consciously trying to avoid the contrapositively wrong answer (i.e. I was trying not to say: "Rules were made to be broken.")

I will also be considered for positions that I don't want quite as badly as the leadership position, but that I'm much more qualified for, so I'm certain I'll be offered some kind of position.

Should I address this faux pas in the thank you email, or should I, well, you know, suck it up? How would I go about writing such a letter? How subtle should I be? One of my other answers could be strengthened, too, should I address a weak, but not deal breaking question, too?