Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with fatherhood

How Do You Know If You're Ready To Be A Dad?

Effigy2000 — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 23:54:17 -0800

How do you know you're ready to be a father? My fiancee, a woman in her mid 20s, wants a baby. I'm a man in my early 30s, and... I'm not sure how I feel.

One part of me very much likes the prospect of being a dad and actively wants to have a kid. I like the though of seeing my partner happy and pregnant, and then eventually happy and a new mum with her new baby. I like the idea of seeing what kind of person the two of us would create. I like the thought of shaping the kid, teaching him or her the values and the things he or she needs to know and will shape their lives. I like the idea of playing games with the kid, showing them the world. It all seems pretty cool and I'm totally onboard with all of it.

But another part of me (and I'm not sure its a bigger part or not) is worried. I worry about money and whether we'll have enough to do this right. I worry about how a pregnancy know would affect the wedding we've been working so hard to plan. I worry about having enough time to look after it and spend time with it (both of us work long hours, busy jobs) and the effect having a baby will have on what little social time we have left. I worry about lack of sleep because the baby is crying (I like sleep). I worry about accidentally hurting the baby somehow. I worry I might be a terrible father and my kid will grow up to hate me.

And I worry about what would happen if our baby was ever to die. I know its macabre but I do worry about it. I worry about the effect the death of our child would have on my relationship with my partner and on me, personally. I worry about future wars that could hurt our child. I worry about them making some stupid, split second decision at some point in their life that ruins everything for them. I don't want any of that to ever happen to my kid and I'm not sure I could handle it if it did.

Of course I have considered that the reasons I'd like to have a baby are not necessarily reasons in and of themselves to bring a child into this world. By the same token, I know some of my fears are irrational and not reasons in and of themselves as to not have a child. Frankly, it seems to me that the most obvious reason to have a baby is because both partners are ready to take on the responsibility of caring for and raising a child, and by the same token the main reason not to have one would be because you aren't ready.

Which leads me to my question. How does one know they're ready to be a father? Is it a lack of any doubt? Is it the opposite; that having fear and doubts like mine is a good sign that I'm ready to be a dad? Or is there simply no way one can be ready for such a thing, that one should throw caution to the wind and accept the apparently incredible changes that having a baby apparently brings you (according to previous Askme threads I read about how cool it is to become a parent and how your life changes).

Any insight and advice you can give me would be appreciated.

Fear of the future is paralyzing me

numberstation — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 04:07:31 -0800

Discovered recently that my wife is expecting our second child - mixed feelings are overwhelming me - practical solutions? I am the father to a lively and happy 18 month old and just discovered another is on the way. Unplanned and always envisaged another child a year or two down the line but my wife is happy and part of me is also very happy. That said, i had certain expectations as to how my life would map out and it really has not happened that way. Not a big deal I hear you say but fear of the future is becoming more and more of a concern to me. Recently made redundant and spending my gardening leave desperately looking for jobs. Obviously that situation is having an impact but there is a massive shortfall between the life I envisaged providing for my kids and the reality of how it is going to be. I was very fortunate in my up-bringing as a child but feel distressed that I dont think I am going to be in the financial position that I would like. I know children need love first and foremost but surely it is the most natural feeling in the world to want your children to have the best?

Having another child is compounding the fear that I cannot provide the life I would wish for both of them. Anyone else ever feel this way? How do you overcome and face the future with head held high?

Asperger's and Fatherhood

Anonymous — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 06:40:57 -0800

Should I seriously consider a long-term relationship/having children with someone who seems to have a mild case of Asperger's? This might seem like a shallow question, but honestly if I wasn't considering starting a family very soon it would never occur for me to ask it. I am fine with him the way he is. I actually like the fact that I need to be brutally honest to carry meaning through, and I can walk him through moments where he can't relate to others. But - if he is in anti-people state, I can always keep myself busy with my own hobbies/friends. But what if we have children? Will he have a hard time understanding what the children might want? Will he shrug them off? Will he treat them as one of his "projects" and pay a lot of attention to them one moment only to completely forget about them the next? I am really worried, because I do very much love this person. I guess I'm just looking for stories and opinions from you guys, so at least I don't feel so alone about this. I thought Metafilter would be a good place to ask for that.

Cat's in the cradle

bitteroldman — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 12:00:07 -0800

My dad was an insecure, unlikeable jerk (to me at least) who clearly did not like his children. I have become an insecure, unlikeable jerk (to me at least). Am I doomed to have the same, terrible relationship with my future kids as well? Let me start by saying that overall, my dad is a good person who tries his best every day, and I openly acknowledge that I have inherited some good qualities from him that make me stand out as an individual.

I still can't stand the jerk and will not shed a tear when he passes.
He can't stand me either and would probably feel the same way, should I meet my maker before him.

As I look back on my childhood and the gangrenous relationship I had with my father, I realized that he never really liked me and my 3 siblings. I think we "got in his way" and we were a disappointment to him because we weren't like "the other kids", or the Bradys or the Cosby Kids. I can remember from the age of 12 onward, he never had a kind word to say to us. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, and in my case, would regularly threaten to throw me out of the house (or car, if we were on a road trip).

I thought I put most of that stuff behind me, until I noticed that I would speak to my wife with the same condescending, annoyed tone my dad would use when speaking to my mother or to us. I am regularly annoyed by my wife and feel that I need to "babysit" her. I also feel that she is "in the way" - probably how my dad felt about us and my mom.

_{The issues with the wife, although alarming are of less concern to me - I have realized that I am acting this way and am working very hard at making myself a better husband.}

The fear I have is with my future kids - heck should I even have any?
I am worried that I will communicate those same feelings of contempt, disgust and loathing as my father did when interacting with me.

Although I am willing and able to make the physical sacrifices associated with parenting, I am incapable of doing so with empathy or with love. Heck, I honestly don't feel I am capable of empathy or love for anyone. I guess I view parenting (and life in general) as one big sacrifice until death - kinda how my dad probably views life.

I don't think I can count on my wife to "keep me in line" either. She's let me act like a complete jerk to her all this time without even saying boo and I don't think - actually I know - she doesn't take me seriously when I express my concerns about parenting. I could spend an hour recounting my childhood, my fears and my worries and all I'll get in response is: "You'll be a great dad", "you're perfect ". _{my wife was taught to neve criticize one's man - just bottle everything up inside. WIth that attitude, she's going to need a keg just to deal with me...}

So the question is: can I become a kind, empathetic and loving father and husband or am I doomed to become a dick like dad?

Baby Daughter Daddy

jasondigitized — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 08:33:10 -0800

Help me with gender disappointment. My wife and I just had an ultrasound and found out our baby will be a girl. I was hoping for a boy because I never knew / met my father. My dad was a completely absent f*ck-up. I was hoping to somehow fill that void by giving my son what I never had and teaching him the things I had to learn on my own. I know I will be overjoyed when my daughter is born, but right now, I am feeling quite sad. What is a good way to look at this, and what can I look forward to with having a girl

Daddy Music

brozek — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 06:00:44 -0800

If you don't enjoy country music, do hip, relatively new songs exist about fatherhood, or more specifically, fathers and daughters? Google finds me pages and pages of overemotional wedding dance music, and almost everything I've heard reminds me of the awful Daddy's Hands. Paul Simon's Father & Daughter is a good start, but there have to be enough other non-schmaltzy, non-country tracks to fill a mix CD, right?

Can you give me some ideas on how to be a better mother to my 15 year old son? I'm a man.

rikatik — Tue, 13 May 2008 03:40:34 -0800

How do I, as a man, show my son a caring and feminine side to life? I've raised my son in classic, tough-guys-don't-cry fashion. I worry that I haven't given him the tools to form the best relationships with the opposite sex or to be more caring and compassionate and I want to redress the very male influences in his upbringing. Are there any other single fathers out there who have the same concerns? How have you dealt with them? Are there any good resources you would recommend? Any women who have experience of young men mainly raised by their fathers? What are your thoughts? Am I worrying unnecessarily? I'm 41 and a single parent for the last 10 years to a 15 year old boy. My son has very minimal contact with his mother. I have not had serious other relationships throughout the years that my son has been with me, primarily because I wanted stability for my son following a turbulent start to his life. In addition, my son has attended an all boys school since the age of 11. This all means that his world is predominantly male; it is centred around male sports, his male friends and their all-male interests (ps3 shoot-em-ups etc). My son does have contact with women in our extended family but not the mother's love that I think would round him out. I try to be sensitive but I find it hard to switch from "stand up, be a man, work hard" to, "it's ok to cry, take it easy, there there". We can talk for hours about football and boxing but never about emotions and feelings. What should I do?

No, not Yellow Submarine

thanotopsis — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 12:28:36 -0800

So, we've just found out the kid we're cooking is a girl. Now, I'm tasked with the job I've had for the last 16 years: I have to come up with a signature song for the child. Here's the thing: My wife and I informally assigned each child a song from one of the Beatles. We started with the first one, my eldest son ("Beautiful Boy", Lennon), moved on to my youngest son ("I Will", McCartney), and ended up with my daughter's contribution ("Here Comes The Son", Harrison).

The problem I'm seeing right away is that, for consistency, I have to find something that Ringo Starr wrote that's appropriate for a little girl, and speaks to us in that perfect, sweet, little way that's going to match the baby.

Yea, yea, I know, "Hey, Ringo wrote a song!" He does seem to have a decently sized library of work out there, though, so I imagine something would work, right? I'm just not familiar with any of them.

Can someone make an educated suggestion on a few tracks?

(and, before anyone says it, I will not be looking for songs from Pete Best in a few years)

Advice for a new work at home dad?

rus — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 03:49:04 -0800

I currently am self employed and work at home. We have our first kiddy on the way. What am I going to need to compromise on/totally change? Currently I work relatively long hours running a web hosting company from home but my work allows me to takes lot of little breaks to speak to the wife, get a drink etc. I generally don't have to concentrate hard for anything more than 15-30 minutes at one time but its a long day to cover support for customers.

Now I'm aware there are going to be major changes but are there any work at home dads (or mums) who can tell me what to expect. Obvious would be to hire someone to cover me but that isn't doable currently. Any hints / tips would help

Found my son's father after 26 years

nurse4kitties — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 14:45:22 -0800

Okay, this is an enormous issue and I'm not finding any resources out there for help. I recently found my son's biological father. My son is 26. I met his father (who I will refer to as "B") while stationed overseas; we were both very young. I was 22 and he was only 18. We were together just a few times...during a period when my then boyfriend (who I'll call "M") and I had broken up. When I found out I was pregnant, the staff physician made an error regarding how far I was into my pregnancy. He thought my uterus seemed a little "large", even though this did not fit the time frame I truly believed I became pregnant. This is a huge thing, because it meant that my boyfriend was the father. I always had a gut feeling that the doctor was wrong, but after my boyfriend and I got back together, he wanted the baby, and he wanted to get married. So I guess I let wishful thinking take over, and just went into denial about the baby's paternity. I wanted to do what was best for everyone, so the wishful thinking wasn't necessarily "bad".

I returned home to the U.S. while "M" finished his stay overseas. I never told "B" that I believed the baby was his. I didn't want the child to be rejected, plus there was the confusion regarding the dates. Anyway, the baby was born "a month overdue" according to the date the doctor had given me. It turns out that I had a large baby. However, he was NOT overdue. The day he was born matched my estimate exactly. A baby born a month late would have had distinctive signs and problems, which my son did not have. By then, my boyfriend (fiance, atually) was very much into the future we planned. I didn't want to shatter anyone's dreams. Consequently it took several months for me to tell him that the baby was not his biological son. I should say that, when I first learned of my pregnancy, I was doubtful about "M" being the father. He knew I'd seen someone else during that brief breakup. This was not the product of "fooling around behind his back". We eventually divorced, but prior to that, I had a daughter by "M".

From a very early age, my son has known the truth about his paternity. I was never able to find his real father...we didn't have the internet way back when and I just didn't have enough information to locate him. I raised my two kids as a single mother and my son and daughter couldn't have been loved more by any mother. The kids dearly love each other; we've always been a close-knit trio. A few months ago, I was stunned to find my son's biological father via a website for class reunions (I knew where he was born, so I followed a hunch).

I sent an email to "B", telling him about how life has been in the 26 years since I saw him; I told him about my two kids, and I informed him that my son was his child. I was worried about what the response would be, if any. He wrote back the following day, overjoyed. What a shock! He saw photos of my son and there was no doubt in his mind that he fathered this young man. I offered DNA testing; I am certain what the results would be. This man is married with three kids--my son's half siblings. "B" told his wife everything, and eventually told the kids (ages 11, 17 and 21). Everyone received this with open arms...I could never have imagined such a welcome. I write regularly to his wife (feeling it's less threatening this way) and we've become great pen-pal friends. "B" has written to his son, and my son has written back. However, my son's response to all of this has been less than enthusiastic. He was a little bewildered at first, as was everyone else...but over the past few months the reality has soaked in.

My son's father really wants to form a relationship with my son. He wants to meet him, but of course he wants to take things a step at a time. He's ready and desires to talk to my son by telephone. The problem is, my son is slow to answer the emails and has taken a defensive posture about talking to his father. He has even expressed anger that I didn't speak to him prior to contacting his father. My stand on this, is that I didn't know if there'd ever be a response to my letter, or maybe his father wouldn't accept the news; I didn't want my son to experience the pan of such a "rejection". It was after "B" told me how lucky and blessed he felt to have another son, that I told my son. Thus, I hope it's understandable why I didn't consult with my son first.

This man never knew about our son. It was not his "fault" that he didn't get to know his son. He was not a "deadbeat dad". I never, ever intended to defraud anyone; I acted on what I was told by a doctor, and also by what I felt was best for everyone involved. My son has told me that this shouldn't really be any of my "business", but what he fails to see is that I've wanted to find his father ever since he was a toddler. This is very important to me. It is important to his father, and his father's wife, and to his three half-siblings. I understand that he feels awkward and self-conscious about all of this; I also appreciate that this is a process. What does trouble me is the way my son has told me I am meddlesome and that this is not my business. I spent my adult life raising my children. I put my everything into being a good mother. It has been almost a lifelong dream to locate my son's father. I believe that even though it took a very long time to find his father, I found him nonetheless.

It was pretty heartbreaking when I heard my son tell me, "what if I never want to meet my dad?" He was hostile toward me the last time we spoke. My son has always been a nice guy, a good son and brother. Yes, he can have a temper sometimes and has said some rather mean things but we've always made up quickly. We've always been such an open family. I am saddened by all of this. I wish this could be a joyous occasion. I wish my son could feel happiness that his father wants to know him. I am open minded and understand how this can be a difficult process, but I disagree about this being none of my business. My son's father is beginning to feel some hurt; he'd hoped that his son would have had more interest in him.

At this point, I just feel heavy-hearted. I don't feel that I can discuss this with my son anymore, not after the way he snapped at me most recently. My parents are both dead; I know life is short. Family and love are priceless to me, and I am of the opinion we can never have too much warmth in this life. Does anyone have a similar story to share? Any words of encouragement? I feel so very, very sad. By the way, my ex-husband, who knew he wasn't the biological father of my son, had an active role at first, but eventually lost interest in both children. He is remarried and has a "new" family now. He hasn't seen the kids in 15 years. The only thing he did was pay child support. I realize this could cause complications, but nevertheless, his father wants to know him, and actually has expressed feelings of love for his son, even though they've never met face-to-face. My daughter doesn't feel threatened by any of this; she was delighted to learn I'd found her brother's biological father after so many years.

She supposedly looks the most like me of all my sisters.

nekton — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 17:53:22 -0800

What should my family do about my "long-lost" half-sister when her caretaker dies? My parents are separated, and have been for about 22 years. (They aren't divorced for practical reasons.) I am the 27 year-old middle sister of three, with a younger sister who is 24 and an older sister who is 38. Our father has been relatively present in our lives to various degrees over the years, and has supported us financially to a pretty high standard of living.

About ten years ago, a friend of my father's told him that she wanted to have a baby, and he helped her. When my mother, my sisters, and I found out about this, we were all pretty upset about it. It still makes my mother sick to think about it (although they are still on excellent terms with each other).

Anyway, this baby is now a 10-year old little girl. Her mother (my Dad's friend) died about a year or so ago due to alcoholism (liver failure, I believe) and the little girl lives with her 84-year old grandmother in Ohio. (We are all in Massachusetts.)

We are all concerned about what will happen when the grandmother dies. My Dad has regular contact (probably monthly) with my half-sister via phone and occasional letters. My sisters have spoken to her a few times and I have spoken to her once.

I can imagine that we should help our Dad "do the right thing" and take responsibility for his "other" daughter, even if it requires some sort of "takes the whole village to raise the child" logistics. Perhaps she would like to be part of our family. Then again, who are we to swoop in, make her move to Massachusetts, and integrate her into a (very tight-knit but welcoming) family that may have residual conflicted feelings about how she came to be?

Any advice or experiences are welcome.

What game did you want to play when 3yrd old?

crazyray — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 00:05:40 -0800

Are there memory / brain games I should play with my three year old? I have a toddler who is fascinated by logic, loves imaginative stories, and thinks daddy is ridiculous. (Wow, I sure love that third one.) Are there any specifically non-TV, non-Internet games I can play with her to stimulate her brain towards the independent, (shamelessly imaginative) thinking which I am so entralled with? Bonus points for anything that teaches Latin language or basic Calculus in the process (just kidding!)

Conventional widsom INCLUDED, what is your favorite mental or physical game to play with your toddler?

Good advice for a new dad.

joseph_elmhurst — Tue, 27 Jun 2006 20:18:43 -0800

If you could tell a soon-to-be dad anything, what would you say? My wife and I are expecting our first child (a girl) this October. Mood wise, I'm veering between excitement and abject horror. There doesn't seem to be a lot of literature out there aimed at new fathers that isn't "religious" in worldview. I've been enjoying Armin Brott's The New Father but I'm interested in what other dads (new or otherwise) have to say about this amazing life change. Any advice, practical or resource-orientated, would be greatly appreciated.

Mr. Mom Needs A New Pair Of Shoes!

mds35 — Mon, 29 Aug 2005 12:30:44 -0800

How can a stay-at-home dad make a bit of cash on the side? For a number of reasons, my staying at home to care for our new baby boy is looking like it is our best option for childcare, but it will make things very tight, money-wise. I'd like to find some way of generating a small amount of income ($300+ per week) while I'm at home. I'll only have a few free hours during the normal business week, so I'm interested in exploring things I can do evenings and weekends, from home. Do any MeFite stay-at-home-fathers have any tips or personal anecdotes they'd care to share?