Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with father

I can't dance to that!!!

Thorzdad — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 05:39:34 -0800

Please recommend me a good song for the father-daughter dance at the wedding!!! I am desperate, and need suggestions yesterday!

My daughter is getting married in May. This afternoon, she is meeting with the DJ to set a song list for the reception. This includes the music for the now-obligatory father-daughter dance. So, last night, at the 11th hour, my daughter started asking me which songs I'd like to dance to. Thing is, the suggestions she was providing were all of these treacly, syrupy, over-the-top-schmaltzy country ballads...I Loved Her First, My Little Girl, Butterfly Kisses...You get the idea.

Anyone have suggestions for good father-daughter dance songs that can still be slow danced to but not sound so gooey and twangy? One caveat...My daughter isn't too alt, so Yo La Tengo, for instance, probably isn't gonna fly.

Many thanks!

How much touch is appropriate between father and 6/7 year old daughter?

Anonymous — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 13:39:23 -0800

My wife and I disagree strongly over how much touch is appropriate between myself and my almost-7 year old daughter. I will try and keep my questions free of emotion and bias, and am very open to hearing opinions that are contrary to my own.

Background situation is that my wife, daughter and I all live together in the same house. My wife and I really do not get on, but we/I are staying together because of our daughter.

Firstly, let me be clear, there is no accusation of actual molestation involved. We both agree that I have never touched my daughters genitals or even breasts (in-fact nowhere close).

I will list a serious of situations my wife is upset about, and would really appreciate your opinions of where the line of "appropriate behavior" is crossed (if at all); In all these situations my daughter is wearing clothes, and my hands stay above her clothes;

1. My daughter is sitting next to me on the sofa, the sides of our bodies are touching. I put my arm around my daughter and my hand falls on her hip (my wife might say its on her butt).

2. My daughter sits on my lap while we watch TV (or at the dining table or in my home office; for whatever reason)

3. In the morning, my daughter kneels on our (wife and I) bed and my I reach out and drape my arm across the top of her legs I rub her back with my other hand. When she gets off the bed I give her tummy a rub (always through her pajamas; no skin contact)

4. I am lying on my back in my bed and my daughter comes in in the morning and lies (on top of the bed-sheets) on top of me (stomach to stomach, her head on my chest/neck). I rub her back (through her pajamas).

5. I am lying on my back on the sofa reading and she lies on my chest/stomach while she watches TV (her legs are between mine in this situation; something I think my wife found particularly provocative)

6. My daughter joins my wife and I in bed (say at 2am after she has awoken from her own bed), she is between my wife and I and snuggles up to me with her back to my chest/stomach; both our heads on the same pillow. My arm drapes over her.

7. I am alone in bed (my wife usually goes to bed very late ) when my daughter joins me as in scenario 6.

That's about all I can think of. Is there any reason to consider any of those situations inappropriate. In all these situations my daughter has never given any sign of not liking the contact, and is more likely to initiate the contact than I am (although that is changing as my wife creates a scene about it, and tells my daughter not to do it).

I have tried to discuss this with my wife but do not get very coherent answers. She says I should never touch my daughter anywhere between the neck and the legs, but then she raises no objection when I pick her up and even give her a cuddle (while holding her from a standing position). I have tried to dissuade my daughter from most of these forms of touch on occasion (to try and keep the peace) but it feels very wrong to me to be rejecting my daughter like that.

How would your opinions of what is appropriate change if (while in some of the situations above) I was to gently caress/rub my daughters stomach with my hands **under** her t-shirt/pajamas? (This is something that has happened in the past, but after my wifes objections I have stopped doing this.)

Finally do you have any opinions or any pointers to general information on the subject of loving (non-sexual) touch between family members?

Non-fiction books about relationships between father and a new child

evadery — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 06:57:52 -0800

I'm going to be a proud first-time papa in a couple months, and I'm gearing up for the madness and joy to come. I've really enjoyed reading non-fiction anecdotes about fathers and children, and I was wondering if you had any books you might recommend? Hopefully nothing 'Chicken Soup for the ____'-ish, but more along the New Yorker-y lines of Paris to the Moon by Adam Gopnik and Home Game by Michael Lewis. If it impacts your suggestions, we're expecting a boy, however, books about raising either gender are OK. And mom and children books would be OK if you think I could relate to the situation as a parent, but father/child books are preferred. Thanks!

(PS - have seen this MeFi link already, but am looking more for non-fiction, and more about the raising of a young child, not the raising of a child into adulthood.)

A Hand Grenade Thrown into a Marriage?

Kitty Stardust — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 10:20:02 -0800

Asking for a specifically male perspective here: what do you wish you'd known before having kids that would have made your relationship better? I consider (and would like to continue to consider) my relationship with my partner the primary relationship in my life. I would not be having a child if I were in a different relationship, and I've never really had the desire to be a parent in the abstract. We are both on the same page about preserving our relationship and prioritizing one another over our parenting roles as much as possible. That being said, I am pretty worried about how parenting is going to affect my relationship with him. I've been reading, researching and seeking advice on my end in order to prepare myself. A lot of what I've read is aimed at a more specifically female and feminist audience (Adrienne Rich's "Of Woman Born", "The Masks of Motherhood" etc) and while some of what I'm seeing here is alarming, I'd like to share this information with my partner, though I'm concerned that due to the writer's assumed audience, this may not be optimally accessible to him. Wise Mefites, are there things you wish you'd realized earlier that would have helped strengthen your relationship with your co-parent? Were there books or other materials that helped you prepare? Hope me.

A funeral with a crazy family estrangement scenario

Lulu's Pink Converse — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 18:44:18 -0800

How do I deal with my estranged brother at our grandmother's funeral? My paternal grandmother passed away today, after a long illness, at the age of 89. Her funeral is in a Midwest state on Friday. I will be traveling by air to attend the funeral, without my husband or children.

My husband let my brother, from whom I am estranged for many reasons, most of which boil down to "he's an abusive asshole and I'm done putting up with it", know about our grandmother's death. This was at my request, because my father was worried about making sure he knew but could not deal with handling it. Please note that my brother and our father are also estranged, again mostly because my brother is a self-centered asshole who cut our father off for reasons that make no sense to anyone, ever. Our father is not perfect, but he, to my knowledge, did nothing to deserve my brother's behavior.

My brother's response to my husband was rude, abusive, and completely typical for my brother. My brother had maintained a minimal relationship with our paternal grandparents and some of our many aunts and uncles. The impression that I am receiving from multiple sources is that my brother intends to attend the funeral (3+ hours driving distance from his home).

My question: how do I make sure that 1) my brother does not add to my father's grief over the death of his beloved mother; 2) I do not completely lose my shit on my brother; and 3) I have a plan for what to do if my brother DOES, in fact, add to my father's misery or makes a difficult situation even more horrific?

(I am in therapy. I will not be able to see my therapist before I go. My brother and I are 40-ish. My dad is in his mid-60s.My husband completely supports anything I choose to do. I have the financial means to do anything reasonable.)

Father's groups in Philadelphia

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Nov 2012 08:51:28 -0800

I'm looking for father's groups in Philadelphia. I have a pre-K child. I'm more interested in a hang-out-and-chat sort of group. University City or Center City would be great. Thanks! I don't have any very specific needs, but I'd like to share experiences (especially with single fathers), in an informal setting. I'd like to avoid anything religious, or anything aimed at inculcating basic parenting skills, which is what googling seems to get me. Thanks again!

How to help a parent cope with the loss of a spouse?

entropicamericana — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 07:58:11 -0800

I lost my dear dad unexpectedly Sunday after a series of illnesses. My mom, luckily, is still with us. They were together 54 years and my mom was only 17 when they met. The most important thing to my dad was my mom's well-being and I feel it is now my duty to look after her to the best of my ability. I have no idea how to help her cope with the loss of my father. I want to be there for her as much as possible, but I don't want to smother her. Does anyone have any advice?

Never forget - she's my favourite!

tulipwool — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 01:42:05 -0800

Secretly removed as an executor by my father: how should I feel about this? My father has always favoured my younger sister, though he's only admitted it openly in recent years. I find it hurtful, but have tried to keep a good relationship going anyway.
Four or five years ago my dad asked my sister and I to both be executors of his will, and we went to his lawyer and signed some papers. No major family upsets have happened with him since and my sister and I, who were very frosty with each other at the time, have recently been a bit more friendly.

Then my sister's son got drunk and told my husband that dad has secretly redone his will so only my sister is now an executor. My nephew didn't say whether I and my children are cut out of the will altogether or not.

I know there is absolutely no way to 'clear the air' by raising this with dad. Am I right in feeling that this is supposed to be a metaphorical kick in the face from beyond the grave? I was never supposed to know until after he dies, hopefully many years away (he's in his seventies). I feel it's one last attempt to point out how little he cares about me compared to my sister. Is there any way this isn't a deliberate attempt to hurt?

How to cut ties with an emotionally abusive father?

Kamelot123 — Mon, 05 Nov 2012 03:35:54 -0800

My relationship with my emotionally abusive, BPD father has been strained lately; now, after realizing the extent to which his actions was causing me undue stress, I have cut off contact with him completely. But not having a father figure in my life is causing me stress as well. How do I deal with the pain of cutting my father out of my life? Ever since I have become an adult, I have had a hard time dealing with my father, have gotten to the point that I would like to cut him out of my life. I am having a hard time dealing with this.

He has always been a hot/cold individual, ever since I was a kid - the good times were good, but the bad times were pretty sucky. He is also rather narcissistic and an alcohol/drug abuser - I suspect he has Borderline Personality Disorder, or something along that line. His ex-wife also thought the same thing.

He is also very confrontational, and I think this is a reason I am very afraid of getting angry as an adult. My alarm clock as a child would more often than not be that of him and his (now ex) wife fighting over the most trivial matters.

He is very afraid of being abandoned - he was against me studying abroad in college, and argued that I was making a big mistake and needed to be close to the family (it was actually the best decision of my life. He now claims that he supported my decision to go, and I honestly believe that he has convinced himself that this was the case). But his actions lately leave the ones who love/loved him no choice but to avoid and ostracize him.

He has never been physically or sexually abusive, but he is able to say the most hurtful/critical things during an argument, then forget about them right after and wonder why you haven't gotten over the fight yet. And the guilt trips he leaves for anyone holding a grudge against him are simply awful - in the past he used to be very good at manipulating others, although now he oftentimes just sounds crazy. I oftentimes felt as if I was the adult in our relationship and he was the child, which caused me to have a lot of resentment towards him that I don't have a stable father figure.

Even if he knows he has made a mistake, he refuses to take any blame and makes excuses for his behavior. He was apparently diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, and he uses that as a crutch for every bad thing he has done to anyone in his life. He also alternates between badmouthing everyone I hold dear, and holding them up on a pedestal when they are helping him, particularly monetarily.

His alcoholism has gotten worse since his divorce from his 2nd wife (my stepmom, who I am close to) about 5 years ago. He was dependent on her financially, and has not held a job in I would say at least 25 years. He is now still unemployed, and refuses to take any job that is "beneath him."

I am living out-of-country right now, so all the speaking I do with him is through email. But whether through the written word or through verbal conversation, talks with him inevitably take a turn towards the negative - He would begin speaking ill about someone close to me who is not helping him enough, or badmouthing his 2nd wife - who I am close with and have told him repeatedly is off-limits in conversation. When I was in America, It eventually got to the point where I would have to have a few drinks before calling him him, because simply the punching in his number on the phone would cause me stress. For the past 4 months or so, I haven't been responding to his emails, instead just reading one every once in a while.

He would literally send me up to 10 emails a day, to every one of my email accounts - alternating between how much he loves me/how good the past was when we were a happy family/how I and other loved ones have betrayed him. In the past I told him I was getting overwhelmed by his torrent of emails, and I needed some time without any contact from him to think about things. This caused him to send even more messages, mainly alternating between angry guilt trips and reminiscing about the "good times," when my brother and I were kids. I honestly believe he wishes that we were both little kids again, so that we didn't have a mind of our own yet and would agree with anything he said like we used to. I do not return his emails anymore.

I eventually put him in my email spam filter, but I made the mistake of reading a few lately. Apparently I have no heart since I do not forgive him for his illness (he always claims in the current mail that he "is better now"). I am also apparently the reason for his failed marriage, since I did not try hard enough to convince his ex-wife to stay with him (I still think her leaving was the right decision). I was a mess for a few days after reading these.

Usually when he hurts me, I send him a letter telling him how I feel and explaining to him that I will not be able to deal with him if he keeps this up. I have decided this time not to reply, but instead simply cut off all contact with him.

He has since apologized for those emails, of course blaming the bipolar again. His motto and rationale for his actions, according to him, is that "under the anger is hurt, and under the hurt is love." He knows that I do not read most of his emails, so he puts what he wants to say in the headlines - that stresses me out more.

I'm sure he is drinking when he sends the emails. But reading his emails is like trying to play minesweeper - For ever 5 or 6 good mails he sends, there will be one critical, negative one in the bunch that puts me in a funk for the rest of the day.

My mom is amazing, thank God - without her, I honestly don't know where I would be right now. She actually is on a speaking basis with him, even though he constantly belittles her - I don't know how or why she she does it. She says she feels pity for the man he has become. The way he treats people, I have a hard time feeling even that emotion for him. She is much better at dealing with him than I am.

My mom and brother are angry at the way he is treating me, and my mom in particular says I should not keep in contact with him. But whenever I am around friends who are describing their close relationship with their father, I feel an empty pit in my stomach. I actually have dreams/nightmares in which I am fighting with him/making up with him, and it is driving me crazy. I desperately want to have a father/son relationship, but I just cannot see how I can deal with this man. I could deal if it was just mental illness, but I cannot tolerate the constant negativity and malice he shows to others.

I have decided that I need him out of my life, at least for a year or so, although I am very wobbly on this. I always am tempted to check my spam, although I know for certain that his mails will be in there and the content of the messages will not be good. I would like some advice from people who have been in similar situations with an emotionally abusive parent on how to cope. The stress I am feeling from this is making it difficult to handle my other current life stressors.

PS: I am trying to get into therapy, but there is a looooong wait list and it will not happen for at least a couple of months (I live in Tokyo). I am trying to start a regular exercise routine.

Helping a child cope with an absent parent

Anonymous — Sat, 03 Nov 2012 13:42:53 -0800

Daughter's father no longer in our lives, unexpectedly, after some sad times. Daughter (5) now a stressed little kid. Therapy coming up, but… ? My ex-partner has some redeeming qualities, but struggles with alcohol and drug abuse issues. After a booze-related ultimatum I threw him out when our daughter was a baby, and for the next four years he gave us financial support and spent Saturdays and Sundays at our house. The visits dwindled and ended over the summer -- offers to meet up with him wherever he was didn't fly -- and, anyway, now my mortgage is in arrears and we don't see or hear from him in any fashion. He has had the predictable run-ins with police -- DWI, domestic violence, drug possession -- and a restraining order is in place right now after he broke into our house (we weren't here) after a crack bender.

Our problems from the abrupt financial aid cut-off are pretty severe and I am under intense stress, which is an awful place to be right now when my daughter is dealing with this much trauma. We have appointments pending with a well-recommended private therapist who will get squeezed onto the credit card, and with a publicly funded free children's counselling service (who are taking a little longer to see us). We do have a pretty good support network. I homeschool in a small community and we are surrounded by very lovely friends and neighbours and so on. Still, this is…bad.

I need advice on how to help my daughter. I am particularly interested in hearing from adults who went through this sort of loss as children, and what the adults in their lives did or did not do that helped (or made things worse), and in hearing from people dealing with or observing similar situations.

Right now I have little reason to believe that her father will resume meaningful fathering. He was increasingly grumpy when he came to visit, to the point where our daughter just sent him on his way more than a few times. Under the alcoholism and depression was a guy who did try to do his best, though, and who offered a great deal of verbal what-not about how important she was to him -- very difficult, I think, to hear X and then get behaviour Y. She has many good memories of him mixed in with the bad. The other night she said he 'has the heart of a monster! Or maybe a devil!' and then went on to draw/write him an affectionate card. She is very hurt, very angry, and very heartbroken.

She was a mind-blowingly well-behaved kid; now there are bouts of "acting out." I wish there was an easy fix for the behaviour but am well aware that fixing the reason for it is the only cure here. Yet I don't know how you "fix" a loss like this.

I have stressed that: her father's problems/absence are not in any way her fault, that it is a good thing to have good thoughts about a person even when you are angry with them, that she can trust that I will never leave (quite dreadfully she wanted to know if there was any chance I would ever make her leave the house, as I did with her father!), that the outbursts/negative behaviour do not make her a bad person or mean she gets any less love, that her father is an aberration and [discussion of the many people in our lives who have never been ill-tempered or unreliable, etc] not the norm, that he tried but isn't well enough to be a father right now. None of this feels like enough.

Any insights on what I might hope for from counseling would be appreciated, too, including "beware of X; not useful," and anything I can do to prepare her/us.

I am trying to give us little treats and diversions and so on, but this is increasingly difficult with the disastrous financial situation -- we may lose our house, which she has lived in all her life and is quite attached to, and the loss of not just the house but the immediate community around it will be profound -- and we spent some time away after the break-in, but it was only partially "fun trip" and partially "I am angry with Dad for scaring us out of our house," which was of course not how I had framed it but I suppose an inevitable conclusion for a bright five-year-old. Ouch. Anyway, with the empty wallet and preoccupations with family law attorneys and the like, and my own stress, I feel like I am out of ways and means to make life nicer, which hurts. I know sitting down to play Lego with her is more useful than buying a new box of Lego; I suppose I am also looking for tips on how to manage my own stress to be able to offer her a more useful mother. Prior to the recent upsets with her father I was a relaxed, tuned-in parent who thoroughly enjoyed parenting and I am irate at the damage that's been done to that, and desperate to return to the previous status quo there.

How can I let go of my trust issues with my father?

Kitty Cornered — Sat, 03 Nov 2012 12:09:48 -0800

Father issues: How to let go and move on, how to trust, and if I should. My father and I have been somewhat estranged over the last 10 years. We have seen each other at family funerals and hospital bedsides. We’ve been polite and spoken as needed. He would tell me during those times that he wanted to move on from our rift, he wanted to “make good” but then I wouldn’t hear from him. These situations were heartbreaking for me.

Back-story: My parents divorced after 30 years of marriage 13 years ago- my father had an affair. This upset me but was not the cause of our rift. My parents' marriage wasn't a happy one. Common story isn't it? We were very close until that point; he was a good father. I was in my late 20s and my father told me a variety of horrific things about my mother and other relatives. He did this to I believe spread the guilt. I know now that some were distortions of the truth (and that is a generous way of putting it). But these situations he told me were very difficult for me as they isolated me-I could not talk to my mom, sister or other relatives without sharing what he said. As the years went by, I found out from another relative that he had cheated on my mom at another time when I was a child. While I was truly disappointed and saddened, it did not devastate me. I am now 40 and 1)he did not cheat on me-I am his daughter and was not his wife, and 2) I realize he is just a human being and makes mistakes like all of us. However, I am having trouble forgiving him for the statements/lies he told me and the isolation that he put me in that have caused me so much grief. There's more to it than this, but this is an example. My father has a history of very harsh statements to me since the divorce. And for whatever reason, if he says it, it breaks me. If anyone else said it, I could just ignore it.

Now, another funeral recently, and he actually followed through and emailed me. Now he wants to come around. I want to let go of my anger and hurt. Is that a good idea? I want to move forward and I am mad as hell at him still. How do I let go of all the past anger from decades past? I went to therapy for two years in the past about my damn daddy issues and the end result was that if he caused me to much distress, it is ok for me to not have in my life. Which is what I did. He is getting older and is health is getting worse. I don’t want to be a person who is resentful or regrets but I’m scared that this man who I’m so vulnerable to will hurt me again. How do I move forward? I want to lessen the importance of him in my life if I do decide to have him in my life-how does one do that? How can this strong independent 40 year old woman not fall to pieces because her dad emailed her?

I know individuals that have fathers that completely abandoned them, that abused them and these individuals have forgiven and I just don’t know how. So forgive me if this seems so small. I have half of me that says why trust someone who treats you poorly and is so selfish, and the other half (and family members) who emphasize that this is your father. Arrghh.

I would appreciate any tangible help-not just theory but what worked for you, books, etc. Much thanks.

What can I do to help my aging alcoholic father?

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Oct 2012 14:57:10 -0800

Is there anything I can do to help my alcoholic father? He is retired, getting older, and the issue is getting progressively worse. I am in my late 20s, and my father is in his mid-60s. He has been a mostly-functional alcoholic for my entire life. He recently retired after working for decades as a successful high-level executive. When he was working, he would be sober during the day, but would drink until the point of blackout drunkenness almost every night. He was never violent or mean - he would just ramble on about weird things until he would pass out. Now that he has retired, the drinking starts earlier and earlier in the day and he has taken to drinking in the car and secretly hiding stashes of alcohol around the house. This is all according to my stepmom - my (also adult) siblings and I all live over 300 miles away from them.

My stepmother, who has been married to him for a very long time, is at a loss as to what to do. She tried to get him to get help for a while, but I think now, sadly, she has just given up and is just waiting for him to drink himself to death. She doesn't even try to discuss it with him anymore. We always turned a blind eye to his alcoholism back in the day, but I don't want to anymore, as he is now getting older - he looks at least ten years older than he is, he has lost a lot of weight, his health is clearly deteriorating and he won't go to the doctor because he doesn't want to be lectured about his drinking (or he's afraid of what they might say about his health).

When I confront him about his issue, he acknowledges it and apologizes, and says he wants things to change, but he refuses to get help and gives me the "I can stop anytime I want to" speech. And yet he can't get through 24 hours without having a drink. I really think he needs to go into rehab or detox, or even just go to an AA meeting, but I know you can't make people do things.

I've tried everything - the "don't you want to meet your grandkids someday" speech to the "don't you want to enjoy your retirement with your wife" speech to the tough love of not taking his calls when he's drunk - he responds to all of these things, but he can't and won't stop. What else can I do? I really don't want to have to wait until he lands in the hospital or gets a DUI for things to really hit home.

What to expect when you expect to be a dad?

parmanparman — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 04:44:25 -0800

Are there solo participation (as in not couples) classes for expectant fathers in any high schools or colleges in the USA or Canada?

How to handle estranged father's funeral?

Ephelump Jockey — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 18:35:57 -0800

My estranged father passed away last Sunday. I've decided to attend the funeral. Please help me conduct myself with something resembling grace. Overly complex snowflakey stuff inside. My father left our family when I was three days old. He was an alcoholic, abusive, and manipulative. He had little sense of empathy for others and even less accountability to anyone. Last summer, he found me on facebook in a bid to establish contact. I went ahead and played along because regardless of the immense hatred I have for the man, I needed my curiosity sated. I figured the worst thing that could happen is that I'd find out he was the piece of shit I'd always assumed him to be. Short answer, I was right. He spent two hours blaming others (my mother, my grandmother, so on and so forth) and then after the fact he had the audacity to tell me he loved me. I'd never spoken to him in my life and the emotional tone-deafness of that move is still mindboggling to me. The one benefit I can say I got from speaking with him was the chance to get in contact with a couple of half brothers I have. One is a huge mess (like multiple psych ward admitions) and the other is successful but has made a point of distancing himself from the whole family.
My father passed away on Sunday. One of my aunts on his side contacted me to let me know. I've never spoken to her or anyone else on his side. She was very kind about the whole thing and cognizant of the fact that I might not want to go. I spent a few hours thinking it over and decided I would. After all, I may not get an opportunity to meet all of these family members again. I would also like to gain some perspective on my father from points of view that have biases unrelated to mine or my family's.
I fly out tomorrow and I am positively in shambles. I'm finding myself grieving for someone that I have spent my whole life hating or otherwise tucking away in a dark corner of my thoughts. I'm at a total loss how to comport myself with his side of the family. I don't know how to be there and not say terrible, hurtful things about him. I don't even have a suit for crying out loud. I am set on going. I think it's the right thing to do. But how do I deal with the family? How do I compose myself and act like a respectful human being around them? I don't want to offend them. This is the first truly significant death in my adult life and it's thrown me for a major loop. What can I do to make this go just a little easier? I know this is all very vague and I'm sorry for that. I just need to know how to not turn this into a trainwreck.

Vitamins for dad-to-be? Prenatal pops' supplements?

unclezeb — Fri, 29 Jun 2012 10:36:41 -0800

What vitamins or supplements should a father-to-be take before conception? Looking for quality swimmers! (Corollary, what foods to avoid?) We're getting closer and closer to having kids and I see plenty of info about vitamins mother-to-be should be taking, but what about dads?

What should I be considering taking to ensure some strong swimmers? I see a few things to do to get more swimmers (lose weight, not too much booze, etc), but I want a winner to make it to the egg!

No, I don't expect zinc supplements to get my as-of-yet-unconceived child into Harvard, but, hey, anything helps, eh?

I suppose ideas on what to avoid would also be helpful, thanks!

My father: not as evil as Darth Vader, at least.

cmyk — Thu, 21 Jun 2012 11:46:30 -0800

I've found my father and decided to contact him after about 25 years of silence. I need to come up with something better than, "Hi. You helped spawn me. I have questions." Inspired by the Darth Vader Was A Horrible Dad cards (I'm only half kidding) I've decided that, before he ups and snuffs it, I probably ought to get in touch with my father. I haven't seen him since I was about five. I'm not particularly sure why -- I just know that we moved and he moved around the same time, and contact was lost. That's what I was told, anyway, and what my mother sticks to. Contact with him was sporadic before that, I didn't know him enough to miss him.

I have his contact information now. Not an easy guy to find -- doesn't leave much of a trace online. When I knew him, he was always on the road, but apparently he's kept the same address since 1990. I don't know how to interpret that.

In a perfect world I'd hire a film noir detective who'd contact the guy and then get back to me, having vetted him first -- yeah, your daughter might want to hear from you, answer this stuff and then we'll see if she gets back to you. Someone to run interference, you know? If he's going to be a jerk and claim I never existed, I'd much rather he not do that to my face. Though, I've made it to thirty without his help, I figure I can manage the rest of my life. It would hurt, but I'd survive.

If he's interested in catching up I'd be up for that, sort of, on my terms anyway. I'd like to know genealogical/genetic stuff -- medical histories especially, as I have some problems that nobody else in my maternal family has. I'd like to know how many more half-siblings I have: there are two older ones, and I doubt he stopped after spawning me.

Honestly, I have pretty low expectations: if I even got a letter back I'd be amazed.

So -- how the hell do I do this? I figure the thing to do is write a letter, but what on earth do I say? "Hi, you're my dad. You never blew up my home planet, so at least we have that going. After all this time you better have worked up a good story." Yeah. That won't fly, I don't think.

I'm sure it's obvious that I have no idea how to go about this. Help?

How 'bout I pay for your wedding if you sucker your friends into giving me money?

corb — Tue, 19 Jun 2012 10:21:09 -0800

My father asked me to use my social networks to get my friends to use his business. When I balked, he tried telling me that if I did, he'd pay for my wedding with the money. Am I right to be offended? And what do I do? My family comes from a fairly traditional culture, where men are the providers, expected to provide for their entire family. My father, however, has not financially been doing well lately - he lost all of his own money due to a combination of bad investing and spending control problems. He previously, however, had significant amounts of money, such that him paying for a child's wedding would not be a thing. These days, he's living well enough, but it is off the money that his new wife brought to the marriage. He has recently sought and obtained a commission-based job in financial planning so that he can have his own money and not feel dependent on his wife.

When the topic of my wedding last came up several years ago, he offered to pay for the whole thing. Now, however, knowing his financial circumstances, my fiance and I did not even consider asking him for money. We're not loaded, but we can certainly afford a modest wedding. He, when told of the wedding, hasn't offered any help whatsoever until this conversation.

First, I'm a little concerned that my father isn't the best financial planner, given the state of his own finances, and I don't want to use my personal reputation to drive my friends towards what's probably going to wind up being a bad deal. I think he's looking at it from a perspective of, "You're family, you should help family out." But my friends also can't afford to lose sums of money in investments or insurance or planning that isn't really going to help them.

Second, I'm really offended that my father's offer of help with the wedding was stated as contingent on my friends buying his products. I should stress, it'd be totally fine if he said, "I wish I could buy this wedding for you, but right now, I can't, but I love you very much." I accept that the only way he could even possibly help would probably be if he did start selling this stuff. But I wish he would just say that, instead of making it sound like a tit-for-tat deal.

Third, I'm also offended at the idea that I would help him for money when I wouldn't help him for love - or that I'd be willing to sell out my friends for money.

My fiance thinks that I'm overreacting, and that in this traditional male culture, my father has no way to admit that his (female) daughter is now more financially secure than him, who is supposed to be the patriarch.

I think that's sexist bullshit, and he's had enough exposure to non-traditional culture by now that he should be past this.

Right now, I don't know what to do: do I have a conversation with him and explain why I was offended? Do I just not recommend him? Or should I recommend him after all, but just caveat to my friends that they should be very careful?

Ailing Father, Neglectful Stepmother, & a Confused Daughter

afabulousbeing — Sat, 16 Jun 2012 19:04:05 -0800

How do I address my father's illness, marital problems, and general malaise as a child who has long ago flown the coop and has no solid plans to return to her hometown? It just so happens that we're on the cusp of Father's Day and so this may be somewhat topical, but it's also a concern/question that's been brewing in my mind for a long while now. Basically I live in a large city a few states over from my father, who lives in a rather sleepy town in a place I like to call Nowheresville and is currently contending with a number of chronic and likely life-threatening illnesses, including kidney failure, emphysema, and ongoing battles with pneumonia. He's also extremely underweight and is quite weak such that he barely goes out except to do grocery shopping..oh and also perform every single other errand that needs to be run! Which brings me to one of the issues at hand:

His wife offers him very little support. She suffers from some pains but otherwise is in pretty decent physical health and yet she refuses to drive, barely cleans the house, doesn't feed any of their shared pets, NEVER cooks (despite the fact that he desperately needs to put on weight), and also stays up all night on the computer and generally sleeps all day. Sufficed to say, she may not be in the healthiest mental state but meanwhile I am at a loss for what to do for them. I have my job and all my friends & connections in the city, and can't imagine uprooting myself & everything I know to go live in this dull place that's hours & hours away from that. And yet, I see my weakened father doing everything he can to please his wife while she seems to only pay him minimal attention. He's told me he feels lonely much of the time and has tried to talk her into spending more time with him, but it seems to no avail. I'd have to admit that he's not the most assertive type and my mother also had a knack for taking advantage of him on a regular basis, but all of it just makes me wonder what I should be doing in this situation. When I visit, I make it my business to spoil him and cook plenty of meals but it's certainly not enough. Also the only delivery food are pizza places and he doesn't seem to want meals-on-wheels so I don't know how to ensure he's eating enough.

Are there any suggestions for how to handle an ailing parent when you, their child, live quite far off and can't personally ensure they're being taken care of? Also, what if anything should I do to address their dysfunctional marriage? And if there aren't any concrete steps to be taken, what reassuring words should I tell my Dad at this point? He seems very down at this point on account of both his failing health and his marriage and I seem to be his main confidante. I'd like to help him face his mortality with strength and hope, but how is this done from afar?

How can I support my adult son whose father has turned on him?

Anonymous — Thu, 24 May 2012 17:49:33 -0800

How can I support my adult son whose father has turned on him? My son's father got married about a year ago (to a woman he barely knew, which may or may not be relevant). Son is 23 and has had a hard time of it since toddlerhood: learning difficulties, anxiety, depression, etc. Today he is an amazing, creative person who has come a long, long way (although he's not quite ready to live on his own). His dad and I were amicably divorced when son was very young. My son was until recently living with his dad. We had 50/50 custody when son was growing up. Son moved in with me after tensions with new wife culminated in her decree that son must stay in his room and never emerge unless his dad is home. (She did this by email, which son showed me, so yep, this is true.) Dad defends his wife and has now become overtly mean and critical of son after being an extremely relaxed father who treated him son as his buddy (lots of movie outings and takeout pizza, not a lot of structure or involvement with the hard stuff like doctors and school issues). He sends my son berating emails and texts almost daily about how much his wife cares about him and how dare he reject her; he meets son for lunch and yells about how son has mistreated his wife. Yes, son and new wife have had arguments, but son is (trust me on this) one of the most gentle people I know and I am confident that any of the initial tensions between son and wife were at best mutual (and surely not out of the norm for "blended families"). Now son wants nothing to do with her, a decision which his dad has declared to be "hurtful," "insulting," etc. Son is distressed at father's crazy and about being rejected. How can I best support him? Son and I have a good relationship. I have thought of sending ex-husband a WTF email -- we were, after all, relatively friendly co-parents for years -- but want to help reduce drama, not feed it. Also, what the hell is going on? Son's dad has his issues, but I would have never guessed that this was in him.

How to navigate crazy daddy issues?

Anonymous — Fri, 18 May 2012 19:49:47 -0800

How do I deal with an emotionally charged email from my (semi-estranged?) father? Is it time to cut ties? Crazy snowflake wall of text inside. My dad sent me a very emotionally charged email. Now I'm considering cutting ties. Or just finding another way to distance myself.

After an extended period of family drama that I won't go into, my parents separated after 30 years of marriage because my dad had an affair with some lady. He now lives with this person somewhere in Canada. My siblings, mother and I live in the States. I have never felt particularly supported by my father, especially once my siblings started getting married and having children. He believes children are just the best damn thing, and I don't have any so he doesn't care about what I have going on (pets, partner, successful career, successful artistic hobby after work). Fine. I don't have kids. Sue me.

Around Christmas time, we had a conversation in person (he showed up unannounced while I was in the middle of moving to "reach out) that was very upsetting, where he tried to turn me against one of my siblings and blamed my issues with depression/anxiety on me because I didn't ask for help as loudly as I should have. A few weeks after that, he sent me an email asking me to come get him in Canada because he feared he was going to die and he didn't think he could count on anyone else to help him. I was inconsolable and had to ask my boss to leave work several hours early because I couldn't compose myself. Two days later, I got an email saying he was fine and had overreacted. I cooled off for a couple days, then sent him a long letter telling him that I was truly sorry for his suffering but if he had feelings like that in the future, he needed to contact professionals and that I was not comfortable being a sounding board for my father's suicidal thoughts. I included the numbers for a few suicide hotlines in the area I believe he is in. Privately, I think it's a very inappropriate position to put me in and I was extremely angry that I felt like he was trying to make it my fault if he did commit suicide.

After that, I haven't contacted him much. I did send him a few photos when I got a puppy. Other than that, I have not heard from him. He is able to contact me by phone/text, email and Skype. I haven't heard from him through any of those avenues. Admittedly, I haven't really reached out either. He has reached out to my siblings, and asked them for more time on Skype with their children. They are pretty wary of how irrational he can be, but they do talk to him on Skype occasionally. So, that's the way it's been. It's a lot less stressful with him kind of out of the picture, which feels cruel to say.

Fast forward to a few days ago. My siblings and I all received an email from him, asking us why he hasn't heard from us. He explains that it was not his choice to move/leave, and that he had to because of the consequences of the family drama (they are serious enough to justify not wanting to live here). He explains how unhappy he was in his marriage to our mother (ew don't want to hear) and how he wishes we wouldnt begrudge him finding happiness. It does not, however, apologize for any of the conversations where he lashed out at us (he told my sister in law he thought my brother was gay, he told my sister that the family drama was her fault, he had the conversation with me about my depression) or about the way he stole and lied to our mother before leaving her high and dry. He ends with saying that he feels abandoned by us, and that he wishes we would stay in touch more.

My initial reaction? Eff this guy. He walked away from me, betrayed my mother, and tries to put his shit on me? Boo. On the other hand, I have an extremely hard time telling my father I want nothing to do with him, though that is kind of the case. While I sympathize with his struggles with addiction and mental illness, I think he needs to grow up and deal with it. All of his adult children have had similar situations, and we've all sought help and bettered ourselves. I haven't completely lost hope that he might get better someday. Part of me is saying "do not engage"

I want to find a way to respond that is kind, but also sets a boundary that this is NOT okay. How does one do that? Or, do you think it's time to just call it quits and wish him well? Right this minute, I wouldn't be welcoming to him at a wedding or child birth. Is that a sign?

I knew being a parent wouldn't be easy, but this is really hard.

doomtop — Wed, 02 May 2012 13:35:11 -0800

Help me be a better long-distance parent. My son turned five this January, so he will start Kindergarten in August this year. He lives in North Carolina, I live in Vermont. I share legal custody with his mother. I am looking for resources, advice, thoughts, anything that might help me be a better long-distance parent and co-legal custodian. There are so many things that I thought would just be obvious when we lived together. I would see him every day and check in with him and go to his school and bring him to the doctor and etc. etc.

Now I am not sure how I can best be involved and make a difference in his life outside of visits. We visit twice weekly via Skype and he comes to visit a few times a year. I had a lot of trouble myself with the school system while growing up and am really thankful that my parents were around to make sure they always did the right thing. For the most part, I will trust my ex-wife to keep him safe and healthy, etc. but I am not confident in her ability to advocate on his behalf. She is likely to simply accept whatever any authority figures tell her, which from experience is not always the best course of action. Also, she and I have a very difficult relationship at this point, so I can't count on her to keep me involved in his life, in fact she seems to be navigating towards the opposite, but I am doing my best in that regard.

Name that movie about apartheid South Africa

Salvor Hardin — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 18:35:37 -0800

Help me figure out what movie about apartheid South Africa I'm remembering. I'm trying to find a movie that I remember only a few vague details about. Here's what I remember:

The setting was a rural ranch in apartheid South Africa owned by a wealthy white family, headed by the father, who was an influential man and apparently a loving husband and father to several children. It's possible that he currently or formerly was in the military.

I remember a plot event event in which a black man was shot by the father or someone else (off camera, I believe), possibly for trying to steal their cattle.

The big dramatic crux of the movie was when the wife discovers a horrific torture and rape chamber containing horrific instruments of torture and rape somewhere on the ranch. Apparently the father had been involved in the torture/interrogation/rape/degradation of Black dissidents on behalf of the apartheid government. This totally shatters her concept of her loving husband and her naivete about the nature of apartheid. I'm not sure, but I think this causes her to take her children and leave him.

Does this ring any bells for anyone? Thanks!

How do I communicate better with my dad?

Anonymous — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 14:08:27 -0800

I need some advice on how to communicate better with my dad and hopefully improve our relationship. I'm 23 and my dad is in his 50's. Even though we are alike in many ways, share some of the same interests, and have a lot of respect and love for each other, we are having problems communicating with each other. It's obviously complex question with a lot of back history.

I have been living on my own for the past four years, but am still in the same (larger) city as my parents. My dad travels a lot for work, however, so I don't see him nearly as much as my mom - I would say probably every other week as opposed to seeing my mom every week. The biggest problem is I feel it is very draining to have a relationship with him. He wants updates about how I'm doing in a "How is your life?" kind of way - with long detailed emails/Skype conversations about what I'm doing (should be appropriately exciting and mentally stimulating). I ended up having to block him on Skype because he would contact me almost every day with one of those questions, and it was just so time-consuming and boring (to me) to talk about. I don't really like listing things that I'm doing, and a lot of the time I feel like what I'm doing is not intellectually satisfying enough for him. He writes a lot of emails now, and if I don't answer he will write back passive-aggressive replies about why I am ignoring him. Then he will comment on how I'm acting like a teenager and I should be old enough for us to talk like adults.

I feel that he is very intense in his need for conversations. A lot of the time, it seems like he doesn't like light conversation, but wants to talk about "important things" (politics, current events, literature, travel, my studies, his work) - as opposed to "frivolous things" (the weather, TV shows, people we know [except for his own family], anything related to kids [my stepsister has two]). When he says something, it is very important that everyone listens closely - if there is a moment where someone is not paying attention, one of the (young) kids interrupts him, or people change the subject from what he's talking about to something else, he can get sort of irritated and then closes off. He is an introvert, like me, but is very able to get excited and talk about things - when things are on his terms.

My stepsister (my mom's first child) and my dad don't get along very well because of clashing personalities. My dad can be very critical (but often he doesn't mean it in a harsh way), and my sister can take things very personally - so there have been some problems there over the years. My sister, my mom and I get along very well (as well as with both my sister's and my boyfriend), and we always have a nice time together, it can be low-key where we just talk about whatever we think about, or sit and read the paper, hang out, cook. My dad feels left out in this dynamic. Because of his work, he's often not home - or when he is home, he'll go up to his office and work/watch sports while the rest of us hang out. Especially since my sister has had the kids it has been tough - because of his attitude towards kid stuff.

Secretly, I feel some relief when he is not there for some of the family gatherings, because I always feel a lot of pressure to say the right things and to keep engaging him in (to-him) acceptable conversation. It is a little better when we're just the two of us, because then I don't have to "fear" what my sister/the boyfriends/the kids might say. But still, having such a high-maintenance relationship with your dad is draining. He thinks that I don't think about him very much, but in reality I spend a lot of time worrying about our inability to communicate. FWIW, my mom is also sad about the dynamic that can occur when the whole family is gathered.

I think that he is a great person with a lot of experiences I find interesting and can learn from. But I wish that our dynamic could be better - that we could be equals, without me feeling he is so judgmental (a lot of the time I'm sure it's just me thinking it). He was recently away on a month-long trip during which, after several of the passive-aggressive emails mentioned above, I didn't write much to him. Now he is home and he has asked to meet and have a "good long talk", and I really want to bring up some of the problems I feel we have and hopefully talk about how to solve them.

So my question to you is two fold. First, how should I bring this up during our talk? I'm afraid he will get very defensive (has happened before). Also, what is reasonable for me to ask for from him? In which areas can I expect change, and in which should I adjust my expectations and change my own behavior?

Secondly, what are some strategies I can use more generally when communicating with him - both in person and during his "catching up" e-mails/Skype calls?

What to get for the guy who has everything (including the kitchen sink)

oxfordcomma — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 10:46:03 -0800

My dad is turning 67, and he's a rather eccentric guy. I want to get him something unique for his birthday. Help me find a gift for him! Details inside. I'm wracking my brain trying to find the perfect gift for my dad. He has a lot of eccentric interests, but he runs an antiques/oddities shop and collects everything he deems "neat" (Believe me, we have a early 1900's children's coffin, a polygraph machine, and 1950's-era hot dog machine). It's extremely difficult to pinpoint one area of interest, but again, he likes anything that's a little odd or offbeat.

+ He really, really likes history. He tends to veer more toward American history, but I caught him reading a book on European social folklore.

+ Buying my dad new books is out of the question. He has literally thousands of first edition books.

+ He doesn't really watch television, but he makes an exception for British dramas/comedies [Think "Are you being served?" and PBS programming rather than "Monty Python" or "Doctor Who"] I might be inclined to get him some DVDs or memorabilia, but I'm not quite positive what shows he's already seen.

+ He already has a desktop computer/laptop/cell phone/e-reader/etc. He's pretty satisfied with the level of technology he has, and getting him, say, a new cell phone will just lead to months of frustration and accidentally calling New Mexico.

+ He's also really interested in legal matters, especially of a historic nature.

+ I'm considering taking him somewhere for the day. We live in Upstate New York [near Albany] so anything within a 2-3 hour drive would be good. He's in pretty decent health, but outdoors-y things aren't really his style.

+ I'd like to get him something under $100.

Thanks!

Know any films with a father that has a personal life?

meantime — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 03:31:39 -0800

I'm looking for movies that have a father that is living well even beyond family life. I'm a new dad who is ecstatic about his baby and loves the family focus - but I've obviously lost (at least temporarily) some of the ability to be spontaneous, to go out, and freedom in general.

I just want to see happy fathers (not of newborns) still having a life - preferably an interesting one - so i can look forward to having a family life and a personal life in the future.