Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with father

Do I have to invite my father to the wedding?

gauche — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 06:21:23 -0800

Should I invite my estranged father to my wedding? I recently became engaged to a wonderful woman, and we are planning our wedding. I am torn about whether I should invite my father to the wedding. Before you say, "of course you should, he's your father" let me explain.

I was always very close to my father, growing up; I was the oldest of five, and his clear favorite in ways that made me feel uncomfortable and a little guilty. Six years ago, my father confided in me that he was having an affair. He asked me to keep it quiet from my mother, who was then his wife, and from my siblings. After considering the position he had put me in, I told him that keeping this secret put me on his side, and that I could not take his side in an affair like this. I told him that he had to come clean about it to my mother or I would have to tell her my, for the sake of my own conscience. After that conversation, our relationship turned very ugly. I saw a side of my father that I had never seen before: manipulative, deceitful, selfish, and cruel.

I was between jobs at the time, so I found work in another time zone and moved away, in part to put distance between myself and this situation. Soon after I left, he divorced my mother. Two of my sisters have not spoken to him since; the other is coolly cordial; my brother is in the armed services, and does his best to avoid this side of the country entirely. It is all very painful and fraught with avoidance.

Over the years, I have tried to re-establish my relationship with my father on several occasions, but invariably I am disappointed by our encounters. I am very hurt and angry, and we can make cordial small-talk but that is about it. I feel that he has violated my trust, and I don't think we can have a relationship until he earns it back. I am willing to consider him earning it back, and indeed I would like him to do so. He does not believe that he has hurt me, or is unwilling to do anything to show that he is sorry for having done so. Every time I see him, I lose my emotional footing for several days afterwards.

Having made a number of unsuccessful attempts to get him to even acknowledge the betrayal I feel, I consider us to be estranged, with occasional, brief contact. I certainly want to remain open to the possibility of reconciliation, but I do not hold out much hope for it.

In the circumstances, the wedding is a sort of crisis, in that if I do not invite him, that has implications which I do not want to make ("you are dead to me") but if I do invite him, that too has implications ("you are a part of my life"). Further, I feel like his presence will cast a pallor over my mother, my sisters, my brother, and my maternal grandfather. It will certainly dim my own mood. My fiancee has never met my father, and she would rather he did not attend because it will spoil the mood of the day and bring up old wounds for my family, who have been very good to her.

I don't want him at my wedding, but I don't want to foreclose an eventual reconciliation either. One thing I am very proud of about the past six years is that I have not said anything to him that cannot be unsaid. No matter how hurt I was, I haven't burned the bridge. In order to do that, I have sometimes had to be silent -- for years at a time -- instead. With the wedding, I cannot fail to say something, one way or another. What am I supposed to do?

How can my friend get through his dad's Orwellian firewall?

bewarethewumpus — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:54:22 -0800

My friend's dad has decided he's not worthy of an internet connection. How can my friend get through his dad's Orwellian firewall? Ok, so here's the situation. I have a friend who is a student living with his parents. He doesn't get along with his parents particularly well, and things have come to a head recently. They think that he is spending too much time on his computer, locked away in his room, and not spending enough time with the family. Because of this, they have decided to take an Orwellian view of the Internet they provide him. As of right now, he is not able to get through the firewall through any method but Steam (a fine program, steam chat really has come through for us here.) His browsers will not find anything, and all his 'net games are non functional.

A couple of things to consider; first, he has very few friends, and most of them he only sees online (yes, he plays WoW.) So while he does get out of the house when he can, the majority of his socialization is done online. Second, his grades have not suffered as a result of playing WoW. Third, when his family is together, it seems that all they do is sit around and watch the boob tube, which really isn't his cup of tea.

So, here's the question: How can he get around this overly restrictive firewall? I'm afraid I'm not intimately familiar with the local network infrastructure, and he doesn't have admin rights, obviously. Is there a good solid catch all application that can at least get his browser through? (it would of course be preferable to get all his apps to work again.)

Couple of tidbits. He is running Vista, he is able to connect to the LAN (but nothing outside it) via the wireless network (his dad won't let him have a physical connection), and the way he'll have to pull any applications from the net is by finding a wifi hotspot, so nothing too huge ;).

Can I have your tips about entering into the holiday season right after my dad's death?

NikitaNikita — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:33:07 -0800

Death, mourning, family, and holidays: How to prepare for the holidays in a post-Dad world? Can I have your tips about entering into the holiday season right after my dad's death?

My Dad died a few weeks ago, somewhat unexpectedly. He was 71 and he had some heart problems for some time, but I didn't expect him to go now, since he had been so sick but then recovered many times in the past.

For the holidays, it was always my mom, my dad and I as a core unit (I'm an only child). For example, in recent years' thanksgivings we might have had one or two of my friends come out to dinner with us, but otherwise it was really just the 3 of us. The Christmas tradition was just the three of us meeting up in a random US city to spend time together, exchange gifts, eat dinner out and see a new city over the course of a few days.

I'm going through a lot/feeling really weird and out of sorts right now. I expect it to be worse over the holidays. Are there any tips on how to prepare ?

One Thanksgiving option is an invite from a family friend to join them, but I feel like this might make me more depressed seeing a happy "whole/complete" family altogether. If that makes sense? But then I wonder if it will feel even more lonely with just my mom and I. Additionally, it would be a good time around Thanksgiving to go to my parents' house and work on sorting out my dad's paperwork, etc, but my mom is torn between getting that done and getting away from the house to clear her hear.

Thanks in advance for any advice here.

Am I My Brother's Keeper?

Anonymous — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 10:15:22 -0800

My parents are divorced; my father has custody of my younger brother, but is leaving the country for a few years for work. He wants me to live with and take care of my 16 year old brother until he graduates from HS. I love my brother, but I have some objections and I’m not sure how to handle this. (long explanation inside!) God, my family is so complicated.

I’m 24, my brother is 15 and is a sophomore in high school. We live in the same metro area, but about 30 minutes away from each other and in different states.

My father is going overseas as a contractor for a few years to pay off debts/earn money, etc. He wants my brother to stay in the same town and continue going to the same school that he’s in now.

Originally, the plan was that my brother would stay with my mom, who lives three blocks away (yes, three blocks!) from my dad & brother. But then my mom moved from a two-bedroom to a one-bedroom apartment (still in the same apartment complex) and now she’s decided that she doesn’t have room for my brother and she doesn’t “feel like” moving again, even if my dad pays for her to move and pays the difference on her new rent. She's worried that if something happens to my dad's job, she won't be able to afford the new apartment and she'll have to move again, on her own dime. I also think another issue is that she had kids when she was pretty young, and she feels that she missed out on life, so now she’s enjoying an empty nest. (She’s a classic narcissist and probably not the best parental figure for my brother, but then again, I don’t think I’d be a good one either.)

So now my father has come to me, asking me to move out to their town for the next few years to live with my brother. If it were just a year, it would be inconvenient (breaking my lease, living further away from work, living in a town that I hate), but I’d do it. But we’re talking about the next two and a half years. The job I have now will be ending in June, and I have no promise of a new one, especially in this part of the country. I had plans to go to grad school next year, out of state. I'd have to put all of my plans on hold. My brother and I are not close, but I do love him. I just feel like this isn’t fair. I’m only 24, I don’t want to be a mom yet!

My dad is obviously stressed out. He’s sacrificed a lot and he just wants what’s best for our family. At this point, he doesn’t want me to talk to my mom about this anymore, but I think my mom is being selfish. On the other hand, am I being selfish too?

My brother's emotions are key in all of this too. I don't want him to feel like a human ping-pong ball.

I’ve got about a week or so to figure this all out. Everything is happening so fast. Some guidance would be appreciated.

More info:
- My brother is not responsible enough to live alone. That’s not even on the table.
- Moving in with a friend is also not an option.
- Moving with me anywhere (in the metro or out of state) is not an option, in my father’s eyes. My brother struggles academically and has a well-developed support system in his current school.

I miss the little guy.

Anonymous — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 18:25:25 -0800

Help. Help help help. My (ex?) girlfriend has taken our six day old child to her parents house and is barricading herself there. Long story... we're both teachers. Unplanned pregnancy, in a foreign country. 9 months ago, I tell her that I want to be a part of this, despite her giving me an open door to leave. She decides to leave back to her hometown, roughly seven hundred miles from my family, to have the child, and I move there with her. I'm trying to adjust to a new city, a difficult job search, distance from my family, and coming to terms with impending fatherhood (*way* sooner than I ever saw it happening), which has certainly made me less stable than I would be otherwise. Hence, I more than contributed to the bumps in the road through the pregnancy, and I have needed to ask for forgiveness and rely on her and her family's graciousness more than once.

Yet we were together leading up to the birth. I was there with her at delivery, stayed in the hospital with her and brought home takeout, and spent the first day and a half with her at home waking at all hours to tend to the little guy, and offering to get whatever at the store to save her the 3 flight walk-up. She even commented (paraphrasing), "You really help to calm me through those 3am diaper changes."

This weekend, mom and dad visited to see their first grandchild... and to meet her for the first time. Smiles all around, a very good vibe shared among all and she even commented on her looking forward to seeing my hometown over Christmas (the plan being to take junior out there to celebrate). Me and my folks seemed to be warmly received by her parents.

Sunday nite, after returning from dropping my parents off at their hotel, she and I hugged on the couch, she saying, "I want to reconnect." I agreed, since the weekend was zany, parents and sisters everywhere, and she and I without a moment to look at each other and say... "We're caring for a little miracle, and you helped create it..." (or things to that effect, you know what I mean) We agreed to try for the 'reconnect' after his 11 o'clock feeding. Before then, I noticed a mess in the kitchen -- you know, baby bottles everywhere plus detritus from a weekend of entertaining -- and I got a bit anxious and all, "We need to clean this place up." She didn't take to that too well.

Okay, so I go into the bedroom, "Sorry for getting wound up about the kitchen." She pushes away the apology, and immediately sets up an, "I've done all this, you've only done that" view of things. Not even daring to go into 'competition' mode, I back out of the bedroom. 15 minutes later, she comes out, "What's your problem?" Again, I remind her about the whole 'we are a team' thing. Icy silence prevails through the nite-time changings/feedings. 8am or so, trying to get the clean slate for the day, I'm told, "Leave me the fuck alone." Okay. I do need to drive her to the doctor's, though -- an hour away. After the appointment, in which the little guy isn't gaining the weight he ought to, she says, "I need to stay at my parents' house a few days." "Okay, but why?" "Because I don't feel like I'm supported by you." "Remember, you told me to leave you the fuck alone last nite." "FUCK YOU."

And after dropping her and her car off at her parents' house, I've been on my own. I've not been told if we're still together (I'd like to be -- she's never been this pointedly vehement), when I'll be allowed to see/parent my little son, and whether I need to deal with this apt/lease on my own (the place is almost totally furnished by her).

So -- what's my next move? Lawyer? Wait and try for a rational conversation? Something different? What are my rights? Can I see the child every day? Mothers, could this just be driven by post-birth hormones? Do I dare to trust her? I'm in Chicagoland, should anyone know of specifics that might pertain around that vicinity. I desperately want to be proud about being a father. And now I feel like the rug's out form under my feet. I'm ashamed to tell anyone I know. Help help help -- imissthelittleguy at gmail. Thanks.

How weird is a father-daughter road-trip?

scblackman — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:09:41 -0800

[ParentFilter]: Quick survey of parents - how weird do you think it is for a father to take his toddler-age daughter on a long weekend trip to visit family, while the mother stays at home? I'm taking our 2-1/2 year old daughter from our home in Philadelphia, to Chicago, for a long weekend to visit my brother and his kids, and to bum around my alma mater for a day (U. of C., Harold's Fried Chicken, Obama's house, etc.). At the time I booked the trip, my wife wasn't keen on going and was interested in the time alone.

However, the closer we get to departing, the more unhappy my wife is about this plan. This would be the first time she's ever been away from our daughter for more than 6-8 hours. During our discussions about it, in addition to telling me how nervous she's going to be, she also indicated that she "didn't know any father who took his child away from his mother like this." Ultimately, we agreed that the trip would proceed.

However, I was wondering whether or not what I'm doing is really that unusual! I think this trip is fine, and hope that as my daughter gets older, that we'll have plenty of occasions where she can accompany me to interesting places. As it stands, we're going to visit family, and my wife has already taken our daughter away for a few days without me.

So, MeFite-parental-units ... what do you think? Weird? Normal? Somewhere in between?

Name change for a minor when contested by father?

mezzanayne — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 13:20:29 -0800

I want to change my son's middle name. Babydaddy ain't having it. I'm in the state of Kansas, Douglas county. I have a 2-year-old son whose middle name I wish to change from that of the birth father to that of my recently deceased father. My son's father hasn't been very involved in our son's life and currently sees him for just 1 hour a week by court order. I wish to honor my father by changing my son's middle name to his.

The father refuses to sign the VS211 Paternity Consent Form for Birth Registration and contests the change of name so I submitted a Petition for Change of Name of Minor with my local district court and retained an attorney. We've gone to hearing but the judge stated that she didn't think that the courts had jurisdiction over a middle name change, only surname, and that there was no precedence of a parent contesting a middle name change. My attorney hasn't been able to find precedence either. The Kansas Office of Vital Statistics says that the only way to change my son's name is via signed VS211 or court order. How can I get my son's name changed?

-The current change of name case is in continuance with the date yet to be determined.
-My son's father's name is on the birth certificate.
-My son's father and I were never married but paternity has legally been established.
-A permanent custody schedule has not yet been determined but is pending with a hearing scheduled for next month. The temporary orders give me full legal and residential custody with supervised visitation for the father.
-The judge who is hearing the name change case has ruled that the change of name and custody cases are unrelated and will be ruled upon separately.

Thanks for any guidance offered. Responses will not be considered to be legal advice.

Tips for single dad

ian1977 — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 08:36:25 -0800

Looking for tips, advice, how-to's, words of wisdom, dire warnings, helpful websites/blogs/books, and general info on single parenting in general...and for single parenting for a dad raising an almost 3yo in particular. My daughter's mom and I have been separated for several months now...its all well and good and not the crux of my question.

The first few months of the separation were survival mode: living arrangements, bills, divorce stuff, etc.

Now that the dust is settling I am looking forward to honing my routine and techniques as a single parent. To that end I am looking for any advice or tips or resources you might have found helpful. Specifically to a dad raising a daughter.

Pertinent info: I have my daughter half the week. She is 2 2/3rds years old. I am single, although I've been on dates...no one has met my daughter yet of course. Mom is about to cohabitate with bf. Mom and I get along well and it gets better as time passes.

I am looking for very practical advice (pigtails still elude me, is there a how-to?) and more inspirational abstract type stuff as well.

I know there is a plethora of websites to be had from a simple google search, but I am hoping to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Thanks!

Please help me deal with my father's sudden passing.

haplesschild — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 11:57:51 -0800

My (estranged) father just died. I don't know if he left a will. What are my next steps? I think I need to preface this by saying that when faced with a huge situation, my brain goes into practical mode, so here I am sitting on the bed after a cryfest, trying to get my ducks in a row and concentrate on some facts so I know what to expect.

I found out my father died today. I have not seen him in about 20 years, and I talked to him maybe 2 years ago. As of right now we have no idea if he left a will. He died in Arizona, where he had just moved. Currently his body is with the coroner, who is expected to declare the cause of death.

I am his only child. He has never remarried. He has one sister, and a father who is in a nursing home.

I don't live anywhere near Arizona, but I can get off from work to go down there, but only for a few days. He has a space in the family plot in Kansas, and from talking to the coroner, getting him cremated would be the best option because I was told his body was not found in good condition.

I guess my question is what steps do I take? I read some other askmefi answers, and a lot of those start with "get a lawyer"... and I really don't have the money to, nor do I know what/if he has anything. I'm really nervous that I will have to pay his bills, or rent, when I just don't have the means right now to handle it.

He was renting an apartment- do I need to go down and clean it out, and am I allowed to take anything, or does it go into storage while the courts deal with it? Where do I begin looking to see if he filed a will? In the next 24-72 hours is there anyone who needs to be called (besides family)?

I am kind of overwhelmed and I don't know what needs to be done, and it is awkward since it has been so long since seeing him. Any help you can give me, or a "checklist for only children of deceased absentee fathers" would be great.

Do daddy's girls own a negotiation power that I do not?

Anonymous — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 07:25:24 -0800

30 years after my father is gone, I wonder what intangibles he denied me. How do I get a sneak peak into the world of a daddy‘s girl? I‘m a 33 year old woman, the only child, and my father left the family when I was 3. I would say I turned out very well in life, all things considered, and I never cared about how not having an active father took something qualitatively from a life of a girl/woman who otherwise got lots of love from her mother and other family members. Until pretty much now, as I start raising question as to why I failed to create family of my own, which has been my desire since my teenage years. By observing other people’s dating-courtship-getting married transitions, I cannot escape thinking that in most of these successful cases, women had negotiation power that I did not.

My family did not condition me to dislike men: I quite like them. But I was raised with this sense of partially removed security where I was constantly aware that if I get in trouble, there will be no one to bail me out. This successfully kept me out of trouble. But it kept me out of marriage, too!

I had two long term serious relationships: both ended at the point where decision needed to be taken whether there is susbtantial future to them or not. In both, men had expressed confidence that they had found in me what they had been looking for for a long time. Apparently, those qualities in me were not enough, and I tend to believe it was because of my lack of the said “negotiation power”. I received a good education, but I am by no means rich, I live in a foreign country which I came for my phd to (hence lacking social support structures). And at some level I harbor this idea that having a strong father to step in (or at least the idea/threat of him stepping in) would have meant a different outcome in my relationships with men.

Am I very much off-base in my thinking? Does the father factor have such real significance? (On my side, I certainly felt pressure to make sure my behavior does not call for the man’s parents’ disapproval, especially in the second case where parents lived in my new country, and the father came off as a resourceful, powerful, controlling and intimidating personality.)

And more importantly, how do I regain what was never part of my informal education as a father’s daughter? Do you have an experience to share? A book recommendation? Would you advice to try to avoid revealing that father factor is non-existent early in dating process, before they get to know me better?

What to do about my alcoholic father?

gman — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 11:20:46 -0800

What to do about my alcoholic father? Alright. Here goes. I very recently had to venture down to Florida to take care of my father who has had a total of 3 or 4 bouts of alcoholism in his life. About a year ago, I had to cut a trip to Colombia short in order to come here and check him into an emergency lock-down detox facility. By the time I got here he had downed 6 - 60s of vodka and 2 - 40s of rum straight from the bottle in like 2.5 weeks. I left him in the care of his enabling girlfriend soon after he was released. As goes the system here, visits to the psychiatrist consisted of, "How many more pills do you want sir?" He was able to stay dry for a few months, but soon turned to wine (what he considered to be the most innocent form of alcohol). I knew nothing of it until very recently. His girlfriend has been completely fuckin' useless as she is afraid to piss him off. Even though I begged her to inform me if he started drinking again, she did not. He is adamant that he'll not go into AA, and because of this, I am left here to babysit 24/7.

What I'd like to know, from people who have had similar experiences, is what I can do to make this whole process easier? He's also gone so far as to ask me not to remove the booze from the house in case guests come over. This is a fairly transparent excuse and there are no bottles in the house that I can find.

The other two times this has come up was during my parents' divorce when I was 13, and when my best friend was killed at my dad's factory when I was 18. Both those times, he claims to have been able to overcome this illness because he felt he had something to live for - his kids. Now that we are all grown up, he sees no reason to care about his life.

He has no hobbies, and due to some unforeseen circumstances, has gone into an early retirement. By that, I mean, he's a workaholic and basically planned to work until the day he died. Yes, his life was turned upside down very suddenly, but he's by no means destitute i.e. money isn't the issue even if his lifestyle won't be as materialistic in the future. I am removing him from the US at the end of the month and taking him (and his girlfriend) home to Toronto with me.

My main question is what I asked above. Thank you in advance.

how to write a letter to an insecure and abusive father

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 17:59:06 -0800

How to write a brief email to a disrespectful parent who stole money to try to get it back? Almost five years ago, I had a mental breakdown, in the course of which partly on the advice of my parents I transferred property to my father's name.

He said at the time this is still your property, it's in my name for now only for convenience.

About two years ago he met a (married!) woman half his age who got him a viagra prescription, he was adulterous with her, then she got divorced and then married my father. Then I heard about it.

I asked him if he had taken any precautions about my equity in the property, and he had not, in fact he had already sold part of it. After thirty years of basically having a civil and enjoyable relationship with the old eccentric, he betrayed me. He was the only one in my family I had any connection to, as my mother and sister are both man-hating lesbians.

Most of the property including a house is now sitting empty. He has no mortgage on the place and lives in a new house he bought for his "wife" with proceeds from selling part of my property.

It's been 18 months since I saw him (I essentially stormed out of his house in anger at his betrayal). I have no desire whatsoever to mend any relationship with him.

He refused mediation, he refused arbitration, and when I tried to get a mutual colleague to talk to him, he snubbed that, saying I should communicate with him directly. But I am not in a place where I can do that effectively. He's an insecure, p***y-wh*pp** old man who betrayed me, and I am not able to put it aside: all I would do if I talk to him is make him defensive.

The fact is that mortgage rates are very low right now and the dollar is strong. I would be willing to accept a partial robbery and write it off if he comes up with 70% of the cash now, which he could definitely do.

Feel free to tell me to just move in if you want, and I'll consider it, but what I'd very much appreciate is if you could write me one paragraph that I can just copy and paste into an email to him proposing a settlement Right Now, that doesn't seem like a "starting point for further bargaining", all without being accusative even though I have no respect for him and detest him.

My parents drive me crazy.

divabat — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 01:32:04 -0800

How do I deal with my parents on limited resources without sending all of us into a fit? (likely to be TL;DR) My parents and I have a very strange relationship. Over the years it has gone from really bad, to quite good, to distant, to just weird. My mother, in particular, has a lot of issues that come into conflict between us.

She's the eldest of two, from a South Asian country, but was brought up by her grandparents as her school was nearby. Her parents died when I was very young; she migrated with my dad to Malaysia when my sister was a little kid (I was born & bred in Malaysia some 11 years later). Her sister is currently in the US with her family, and she's got extended family elsewhere.

She's always talked about how lonely she feels, how she feels that her family keep walking away from her. Unfortunately for her, her immediate family (us) are also the type to fly away. My sis is in the UK, I'm in Australia, and my dad's work takes him travelling often. We're far away not because we deliberately want to avoid her, but because we're all nomads and have found better livelihoods overseas. Still, she often tearfully accuses us of "abandoning" her, of "not wanting a mother anymore".

My dad isn't so great with emotional support. He's a typical dad - logical, stoic, sometimes formal. I'm the apple of his eye (Mum used to go on and on about how as soon as I was born Dad forgot about Mum and my sis and just focused on me) but it can be hard to get Dad to see why I do the things I do. He's very stubborn and has a certain view of what the world should be. Whenever any of us expresses a problem or vent, he either announces that he'll fix it all, brush it off with "don't worry be happy", or thinks we complain too much. The last bit sets Mum off SO MUCH to the point of fights - "Why don't you want to listen to me?! You're always away! You don't value me!!" I've often asked Dad to look after Mum a bit more but all Dad says is "she misses you two. Come back and she'll be better."

My sister and I, despite our age difference and she being far away for most of my life, are very very close. We've both turned out to be iconoclastic eccentric rebels (of a fashion) and we both understand and respect each other's life choices. My parents often try to ask one of us to lecture the other one on their choices "can you tell T not to travel so much? Can you tell M to call us more often?" but often we don't agree with the parents, we think the other's doing OK! Yet when we say this they launch into this tirade of us not caring about each other. My sister gets the worst of it - she's been yelled at so many times for supposedly not supporting me in my depression, for not paying for my education (there was a deal that she'd pay for my uni studies if she got her Ph.D. paid for; she never got enough money to do that but I wasn't too bothered either way), for not caring about me. Even though she's the only person in the family that respects me in the first place!!

My sister sometimes feels bad for me because she went through all the disappoint-the-parents stages first: changing her career from science to illustration, living together with her British fiancé before marriage, going off to weird arts festivals. This has put extra pressure on me to be the "good girl" - which, by my parents' standards, I absolutely "fail" at. They've just had a big upset over my sister declaring herself atheist (after her fiancé refused to perform the Muslim conversion ceremony at the upcoming wedding) - they will freak out if they discover my Pagan leanings!

I've just graduated university in Australia, and have just received a great opportunity that would involve staying here for at least another year. I like it here; I get to be myself without feeling like I'd be punished for being deviant. Due to high costs and restrictions on jobs, my education and life so far has been mostly subsidised by my parents. Getting the visa that lets me stay here longer, find a self-sustainable job, and develop myself to do the things I like costs more than what I have in my bank account at the moment, so I've had to rely on them again for money.

There was some back-and-forthing (which I thought was weird since my parents were pretty keen on me getting Aussie PR and were pushing for it at one stage) but they're now supporting me financially. Hopefully when I finally have this visa I'll have financial freedom and stop leeching off my parents. It doesn't give me emotional freedom though - my parents (my mother, especially) call up wondering where I am, why I don't call back (when I *do* call they think I've gotten into an accident, even though I just want to say Hi), etc etc etc.

My mum has been especially emotional lately. She told me she was "extremely sick"; I asked Dad about it and he said she was working herself into a tizzy because she thought we were fighting over visas (we have disagreements, which are tiring, but nothing to get sick over). It was only after I wrote back with lots of emails saying I'll be fine, I'll look after myself, I'll be responsible, I understand your troubles and know you want me safe etc etc, that she calmed down a bit.

Then today on Facebook, despite all my best attempts at privacy management, she found some photos of me at a Pagan ritual. "OMG SHE'S JOINED A CULT AND PRAYING TO STUPID GODS!!" I had to dodge my dad's questions and build a cover story of us "play-acting", just so they can maintain the illusion of a good little Muslim daughter. (I defriended my mum after another freakout over a blog post - one that she claimed will "send her into hospital with a heart attack". Backfired. She got EXTREMELY upset and claimed that I wanted her out of my life.)

My sister and I have both felt like cutting them out of our lives. But not only is it not possible, it's not very desirable either. When Mum gets a hobby, like interior designing a house or something, she becomes SO MUCH better. She leaves me alone for once! She becomes awesome. Yet now she's afraid of being alone and lonely, desperately wants us back into a country that won't welcome us, doesn't know what to do. And we both know that cutting them off is equal to murder - it's their worst fear ever.

I'm stressed out and tired of having to build my life around my parents. I don't want to feel like I have to hide things from them, but I've already seen the consequences of that. I want to be completely independent of them, but until I get a job I'll still have to depend on them to some extent. They'll always think I'm their "baby" and probably never will think of me as an adult. They absolutely hate the term "It's MY life"; when my sister told them that some years ago they went ballistic.

What do I do? How do I cope mentally and emotionally with this? Am I selfish for wanting to lead my own life even though it clashes with my parents' values? How can I talk to them without every conversation ending in tears (and me being worried about Mum's sanity) or shouting or anger? How can I be true and honest around them if my truth scares them so much?

Custody battles when only living parent is a released convict

np312 — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 11:46:21 -0800

Hypothetical child custody question about when the only living parent goes to jail. How hard is it for the convicted parent to regain custody of their child upon their release? I'm writing a story in which the father of a 16 year old girl has been in jail for 10 years for a theft-related crime. The convict's father (the girl's grandfather) has taken care of the girl the past ten years while the father was in jail, and considers himself her legal guardian still, and doesn't want to give her up to his son now that he's free, or even allow visiting rights. How hard would it be for the father to regain custody of his child once he's out of jail, especially if the girl's grandfather decided to fight it? Does the child have any say in the eyes of the law?

Since this is a fiction piece, feel free to suggest conditions under which it might make the father's case stronger to get his girl back, ie if there is a difference between making someone a temporary guardian as opposed to a permanent one, special conditions for non-violent criminals, custody vs guardianship etc. I am not a lawyer so know nothing of these matters.

Thanks!

Dad's a drunk.

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 09:55:28 -0800

My ex is a drunk, so I threw him out. However, we have a young child, and I'm having a hard time figuring out where to go from here. ...I used to drink a lot myself, but we got the idea to have a baby, and -- well, of course you sober up for that, right? So I stopped smoking, stopped drinking; he whittled down, and things were nice -- briefly. He drank around six-plus beers nightly through his paternity leave and ramped it up from there for a while. There was a horrifying incident where he was violent and quite out of his mind, imprisoning me in the house, when our daughter was a wee baby and I'm unlikely to let go of that anytime soon. He continued to drink. He came close to being violent a second time.

Eventually he was hectored into cutting down with the booze. He was grumpy and dreadful to be around.

About once every two months he goes on a sizable bender -- disappears overnight if not longer -- and about twice a year these benders involve crack cocaine.

He went off on a crack bender a year or so ago and I threw him out briefly. He went back to drinking. He went on a non-crack bender, got so drunk he slept in the street. I threw him out. I believed 'I'm sober now' after a month. He was sober for two weeks. I threw him out, changed the locks, and put a divorce attorney on retainer [where she remains]. This was in September.

I and our toddler daughter are living in the jointly owned house. I am a SAHM with no immediate employment prospects. (I am this person, now looking at a technical writing course at a local college. Thanks Ask...) The bills are paid and so on. Money is tight given debt he's racked up drinking, but he's a well-educated, white-collar professional with a decent salary and very secure job; 'tight' is a relative term here... I have some savings, which are going to repairs on the house -- which I hope to eventually rent out -- and possibly to a car when my learner's permit status allows me to drive alone this summer. I am in the sticks and quite dependent on the ex for drives to the supermarket or anywhere else right now.

Ex is living in a nearby B&B and comes over on the weekends. Kicked out, he is -- has always been when kicked out, but only when kicked out; what's the deal? -- an extremely loving and attentive father. He is also the witty, warm, intelligent man I was attracted to. Our daughter loves him. He was not a bad father to her while living here aside from the drinking -- er, to the extent that that is possible -- but he was morose and crabby. This weekend-visit Dad is full of smiles.

However. We did not see as much of him as planned at Christmas because I was disgusted over a pre-Xmas bender. 'Disgusted' and scared. The time with him boozing heavily with a baby in his house was pretty awful at times and he could be quite frightening, and given a couple of incidents I'm not ashamed to be scared of him when he's been anywhere near a bottle. And just recently he's gone on another bender where he ended up smoking crack.

I have a lot of stress about his debt load and my dwindling savings and the house we own, but these are all secondary to my worry about how to protect my daughter. She has a fantastic time with Dad when she does see him, and he loves her tremendously. I don't know that 'No more visits until you're sober' is best for anybody, or even realistic. He has been doing these benders for a decade and a half now and may never sober up entirely. I am not shocked and horrified by drugs, but I am shocked and horrified that he can smoke crack despite being a father. He is sick, addiction-wise.

I don't know how to respond to the latest crack jag. I've told him I'm pretty much grossed out by him and that I expect he can understand not wanting one's child around a crack smoker. I've again pushed him towards AA/NA.

He has devoted a lot of energy over the past couple of years to telling me "AA doesn't work." I am trying to impress on him that it's pretty much his only chance. He is not a young guy, too; I really do worry that one of these benders will be his last. (He does not drive drunk, though.) I have suggested what amounts to a period of penance, 'ninety meetings in ninety days' and a second job to pay off his debts. He is going to give AA a shot, it looks, but I don't know that his heart is 100% in it. This is a shame given that he is exactly the sort of drunk AA seems best for -- fine if he doesn't have the first drink, totally out of control if he does.

So I may have a daughter with a father who periodically disappears. I would've been traumatized if my Dad had ever simply gone missing. Or if the next time I'd seen him he'd had scabs on his face from where he fell down in the road drunk. The way things are now it could be several years before she figures out anything's wrong with Dad, but eventually it'll be apparent. He has so little control over the benders that I would not be surprised to find him AWOL from a birthday party or something similarly important to a child.

She loves him a lot and I'm often nearly in tears thinking about this. We do live in the same area as my parents, and they are extremely devoted, involved, loving grandparents and I'm really hoping good grandparenting -- and uncling, and aunting -- will do something to offset the crappy single mother/drunk father situation that my daughter's been stuck with.

'Cut him off entirely until he's proven himself totally sober' is something I've debated. He would agitate for access. I do have the lawyer on retainer and enough evidence of problems that his getting any excessive amount of visitation is unlikely, but I'm running out of funds to finance a big court battle and really would rather avoid that anyway; I think those should be avoided unless absolutely and indisputably in the child's best interests.

In his favour, he admits to a lot. I think he could've hidden some of these benders if he'd wanted to now that he's not living with me. I put the $4k retainer on a credit card he pays the bills for; response, "I can understand, I haven't been very stable lately."

But he does get upset when confronted -- quite a lot of self-pity, blaming others, denial, some anger -- about certain unpleasant realities (you are in debt because you drank a lot, not because the normal utility bills and mortgage payments did not leave you enough leftover cash to drink piggishly; crack smokers are not good Dads). He won't be the one to find a solution to this in the short term.

Any advice on where to go from here -- with the probable reality of a guy with a substance abuse problem being Dad -- would be appreciated. I have found counselling for myself, but transportation hassles are limiting that right now. Apologies for the length of this. Again, mefithrowaway@live.com.

Father & Son tee-shirt sayings for the smart ass family.

pokeedog — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 11:49:45 -0800

I'd like to make matching father & son t-shirts for my husband and stepson with simple iron on letters. However, I can't come up with a witty saying for the shirts. Any ideas? I'm purchasing matching shirts then plan on ironing on the saying.

I thought about "I'm with stupid" with the corresponding arrow. Lame. So, I'm curious if you can come up with something better. The saying doesn't have to be the same on each shirt.

Both have a good sense of humor and my stepson is 12, so nothing cute.

Puzzle people, here's a challenge - what should my dear ol' dad get for Christmas?

Lesser Shrew — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 18:33:06 -0800

Puzzle people, here's a challenge - what should my dear ol' dad get for Christmas? My father's hard to shop for and I've already bought everything I know he would want - or he got it for himself. He has done every Martin Gardner puzzle known to man. All the available Harper's Magazine Acrostics. He does the Atlantic puzzles online as soon they appear so he doesn't have to "read that commie rag." Does NYT puzzles in books so he doesn't have to read that "liberal propaganda." Also does puzzles online and has zillions of books of grille blanche and other word puzzles I can't keep track of. Don't ask me about the math puzzle stockpile as they are way to far over my head.

Problem is, I'm not bright. Don't do puzzles. Are these wooden boxes challenging? Do those of you smart people who enjoy Martin Gardener puzzles like them? Should I try for some Erich Fried puzzles? They look like they might be kind of simple to someone who understood the concepts...

The Panda magazine from this thread seems to be defunct.

Help. Tell me what, on the list of stuff my dad likes, that you do like, and then tell me something you think he might also like.

Help. Otherwise, the old man gets socks.

Why, yes, yes he does have The Complete Far Side and the boxed set of Calvin and Hobbes and all the Bullwinkle DVDs.

I want to give my father a written piece to go along with his Christmas present. Help!

parkbench — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 16:55:28 -0800

This is the first time that I've bought my father an unsolicited Christmas gift and I want to attach something to indicate its emotional weight for me. I'm thinking of written pieces. Suggestions? This is the first time that I've really consciously bought and prepared my father a present for Christmas that wasn't somehow coerced by another family member. Now I'm looking for something to attach to the gift to point towards its emotional weight for me.

I write. So I was thinking of attaching a little something by me; maybe a piece of fiction, but it could just as easily be a non-fiction personal account. I might end up doing this, but I also thought of attaching a short story/essay/etc. that might even say it better than I could.

So I was wondering if people had any ideas for written pieces about fathers. I want something emotional but honest; I'm not looking for Hallmark, here. Hopefully the piece is easy to find or at least, if in a book, not a rare and esoteric one.

What are your favorites?

Should I be creeped out by my dad's relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 11:53:47 -0800

Last year my dad and my step-mother divorced after 20 years of marriage. It was not an easy break-up, and my dad was pretty devastated in its wake. While it was wrenching for me to think of my dad being alone in his mid-sixties, I cheered myself knowing that my dad, being a very smart, handsome, together guy with a whole lot of awesome qualities, is definitely a catch and would almost certainly end up with someone terrific. I always pictured him being with some fun, free-spirited woman, probably a widow, someone who could match his intellect, stand up to his occasional bull-headedness, and win the hearts of his kids. He’s now with with someone, alright, but not at all what I’d imagined or hoped for. My dad is now dating a woman nearly 30 years younger than he. The part that’s really, really bugging me, though, is the fact that she is about 18 months older than I. She and I could have been classmates. She’s 36, he’s 64. He is, quite literally, old enough to be her father.

My dad and I are close in every aspect but this. We haven’t fought about it or anything, but on the very few occasions we’ve talked the girlfriend I’ve told him that I support him, but that I am also not at all comfortable with it, so we really just avoid the topic altogether. I really want to turn the situation around on him, and ask him what he’d think if his daughter was boning a 62-year-old man, just to put it in perspective, but I haven’t, because it would be petty and not serve any real purpose other than being antagonistic.

The added layer of ickiness here is this: when I was very young my parents divorced in no small part because my dad fucked the babysitter, who was not above the age of consent at the time. I don’t want to get into a giant flamewar about the questionable ethics of grown men fucking “willing” teenagers here; I mention it because, even though I’ve forgiven him for that long ago and this is a relationship between two consenting adults, it does, in some small way, echo back to that predilection.

To complicate matters further, today the girlfriend e-mailed me for the first time, and in it she included a few suggestions for what to get my dad for Christmas. It wasn’t snotty; in fact, I could tell she was trying to reach out and genuinely be nice, but goddamn lady, you’ve been dating him for six months and already you’re trying on the step-mommy role. I haven’t written back yet, although I will eventually, and when I do I swear I will be polite and as bland as milk.

So my conundrum is this: intellectually, I’m glad my dad has found someone, and that he is happy. Emotionally, it creeps me right the fuck out that 25 years ago she and I could have shared a locker.

Other important facts: I live on the opposite side of the country as my dad, so while we talk regularly I only get to see him once a year or twice a year at the very most. I haven’t yet met the girlfriend, nor do I have any desire to do so for the foreseeable future. Also, they are dating exclusively, but having just emerged from a divorce I don’t think that my dad would actually get married again, at least not for a long, long while. I hope.

I know that ultimately dating decisions belong solely to my dad, and I really want to be supportive of him. I’m just having a tough time not being completely grossed out by the vast age difference between my dad and his girlfriend and the itty bitty age difference between his girlfriend and his daughter.

Am I wrong here? Should I just get over myself and just be delighted my dad found someone he loves? Or is it totally creepy that my dad is dating someone less than two years older than his own daughter? Please help me find clarity and peace here, hive mind. If you’d prefer to e-mail me privately, send it to maydecsux at gmail.

Help me both a Good and Bad Father for Halloween

Rolandkorn — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 20:21:02 -0800

Dressing as a Preist (leaning more toward Irish Catholic one )for Halloween. Looking for ideas and wierd and funny things to say. So far i found this Things you dont want a Preist to say was hoping to query the hive mind for funnier things and ideas.

Bookfilter: what book(s) would my father love?

Acer_saccharum — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 10:40:59 -0800

Book filter: Getting a head start on Christmas presents - what books would you recommend for my kung fu instructing, deadwood watching, social work teaching freemason father? The last books my father really enjoyed were The Poisonwood Bible and The Davinci Code. He joined up with the freemasons shortly after he read the D. Code. He is a social work prof with special focus in aboriginal issues and community mental health organizations, has been teaching martial arts since before I was born and runs his own studio, and he and my mother ADORE the show Deadwood and have watched the entire series repeatedly.

I want to buy him a few books for Christmas that he will adore. I do not read up on these subjects and am at a loss. Help!

PS - If a movie/show/gadget/weapon is coming to mind, feel free to throw that suggestion in also. Much appreciated!

Paralyzed With Resentment

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:30:23 -0800

How can I stop thinking about my father's bigotry, hatred, and intolerance? With the impending election, emotions are crazy right now. My father (and mother), a die hard Republican, is driving me crazy. I know that Republican does not equal racism or intolerance, but my father is a racist and intolerant. He knows I am voting Democrat this year and we are both tense and on the offensive. I rarely discuss politics with him because it's useless. He is unable to engage in civilized conversation. He mostly yells, interrupts, storms out of the room, and bullies me.

Differing political ideology isn't the only thing that is bothering me. I can't stop thinking about the time (three years ago) he told me he thought faulty parenting caused my cousin to be gay. I can't stop thinking about the time when he wanted to join the KKK, and had literature on his desk about the KKK. I think he was a member for a short time. Other things keep running through my head: The time he told me people that wore Malcom X hats were idiots. The endless and numerous lectures that black people were only looking for handouts. The time he accused my mother of raising my sibling and I as "nigger lovers".

In the last several years he has toned down his language, but I know he still holds these beliefs. He rarely used the N-word around growing up. He never denounced homosexuality outright. He has said, I don't care what gay men do, but some of them "do disgusting things." I hate him for it. He has sent me derogatory, racist emails and YouTube links denouncing Obama. He and my mother think all Democrats are "mean and hateful" and "will bite you on the hand if you let them." They also claim that Democrats are either looking for a welfare check, have class envy, or are elitists. I take all of their opinions as a personal attack and feel paralyzed by it. My chest hurts. I get headaches. I'm stressed. I've started clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth for the first time in my life. I feel like my father is a monster in a way. Who is this man that raised me? I'm ashamed. I'm envious of people that have normal relationships with their parents. At times I feel I don't want my kids around him, even though he never says anything hateful around my kids. I visit my parents almost weekly. On one of the latest visits he apologized for sending me emails. I never complained about the emails, he just apologized out of the blue.

I'm looking for coping strategies. I wish I could forget about his ignorant ways and accept that he is only fearful. How do I continue a relationship with him without feeling defensive and angry? I'm going crazy. I resent my mother for loving and marrying someone like this. I resent her for sharing his views. I'm on the defensive with both of my parents. I live 10 minutes away. I cannot cut ties. My father and I have had a very strained relationship for a long, long time. He was abusive in my childhood, all the way up to my late teens. Some years were better than others. The running theme was that my father never cared about my opinions. He isn't, and was never, interested in my life. In my dreams, aspirations, or thoughts. I don't think he respects my profession or my gender. I expressed interest in returning to school for my graduate degree. He asked, "What for? and "Why would you want to do that?"

I'm afraid of him in a way. I'm afraid of confrontation. I pleaded with my husband not to put an Obama sticker on his vehicle because, "I didn't want to deal with my father's bullshit."

Even if he wasn't a bigot, I'd still have the past abuse to deal with. I don't blame them for my problems but I do have resentment that surfaces on a regular basis. I'm in my mid thirties now. I've been to months and months of therapy. I thought I had all of this behind me. My father and mother are not without their good qualities. I want a relationship with them. Cutting ties at this stage in our lives would be painful, I think. I do try to avoid them. I don't call my parents as much as I used to. I sometimes blow off visits. I mostly dread visiting them. I'm ill at ease when I'm there. When I speak with my mother on the phone, I'm not myself. I'm afraid of what they might think. I'm afraid that they will judge me and think poorly of my decisions.

How do I cope? How can I be around them and stop being so defensive and angry? How can I relax? I want to be the enlightened person that can maintain a relationship with them without wanting to scream, or hate them.

How sell a healthy lifestyle to my sedentary father?

unceman — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 10:21:20 -0800

Exercise/diet suggestions for getting my father to take better care of himself. My father (61) had a major surgery to remove an aortic embolism in his thigh and chest a couple of years ago. Although the surgery forced him to stop smoking and a later diagnosis of a pancreas issue caused him to quit drinking, he is eating poorly and not exercising. I'm trying to find the right way to get him to take care of himself without being preachy, condescending or "guilting" him into it. That is step one.

Step two would be the actual program. I know enough about diet and exercise to know how he could reap instant benefits and lose some weight. Some quick changes to his diet would be to not drink his calories, eat less red meat, limit sugary snacks. The exercise front is proving more difficult. Unfortunately due to his surgery he has been left with a fragile midsection that could split open under physical stress, so lifting weights would be a difficult option. Worse yet, is that he uses that as an excuse to not exercise.

To summarize, I need to convince my sedentary, poor eating father to take better care of himself without strenuous exercise.

Dealing with a negative parent

sixcolors — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 18:36:08 -0800

My father's paranoia and controlling behavior is driving me up the wall. What I can do to calm him down? My father used to be somewhat laidback, but around 10 years ago he started changing into a very uptight person. It gets worse and worse, year after year.

He nags, complains, and criticizes ALL THE TIME. I seem to be his favorite target. He blows up over the smallest things. For example, when I come home, sometimes I absent-mindedly drop my keys and purse on the sofa. For some reason, it really drives him crazy. I understand it is uncool to have clutter in the living room. But, I don't see what the big deal is. When he tells me to move my stuff, I just go down and move it. But, that's not good enough for him. When I did it Friday, he blurted out "What is WRONG with you? Why can't you act like a civilized person? You are SO disrespectful to me. NO one would EVER want to live with you in the future!"

Ninety-five percent of our major arguments are over very minor issues like what I mentioned above. One of the biggest arguments we had was over me leaving the dishwasher door open around last Christmas. He was being so vile that my mother threatened to leave him. And, that wasn't the first time and the last time, that my mother threatened to divorce my father because of the way he treated me.

As for the controlling part...he believes that he should dictate my every move. Sometimes when we go to the store or visit other people, he makes me change my clothing or hairstyle. It's not like I wear dirty or unflattering clothing. Or, dress inappropriately for the occasion, I don't wear jeans to weddings or whatever. I do wear jeans and t-shirts when I'm not going anywhere formal. He's embarrassed that I don't dress "feminine" enough for him. He constantly try to talk me into wearing skirts and heavier make-up. He didn't let me get a haircut until I started college. At my age, I don't believe that he should have any say, unless I wear something outrageous.

As for the paranoia part...he claims that I just don't respect him, whenever I don't do things like dress the way he wants me to or if I leave a cup on the counter and don't put it away immediately. He claims that people period don't respect him. Again, over little stuff, whenever he sees litter in his yard, he believes that people do it on purpose because they are jealous of his car (just a mustang), wife, and house. We live around a lot of teenagers, they litter EVERYWHERE, I see it all the time. And there's always the wind, which can blow anything in our yard. Another example, he recently flipped out because I didn't notice a spare pair of shoes that belonged to one of my friends, in my car. He claimed that they could've left drugs in them, and possibly did it to frame me.

I know I can't change his nature (very perfectionistic and pessimistic), but I want to know how I can handle him. Moving out is NOT an option, right now. And, speaking of moving out, the strange thing is that he does not want me to move out until I get married.

Works About The Relationship Between Fathers and Sons?

Jaybo — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 09:49:19 -0800

I'm the first-time father of a one-year old boy. Having recently finished "The Road" and "The Prince of Frogtown" and enjoyed the movie "The Kite Runner", I'm looking for suggestions of other books (or movies or songs) that are about the relationship between fathers and sons. I'll throw in a quote from "The Prince of Frogtown" to help illustrate the type of thing I'm looking for:

"You learn to stand the smell of sour-apple bubblegum and the company of a boy who jabs you in the your belly before he makes himself comfortable, and tells you that you are "comfy", not to be mean but just stating a fact. Then, just when you get used to it, not minding it so much, it all vanishes, and the little boy you launched in the air stands at your shoulder like a man, and when you turn to say something you find yourself looking right into his eyes."