Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with fantasies

Have you met my new much much better than you boyfriend?

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 09:41:59 -0800

Was in love with a friend. He is not in love with me. Haven't talked to him in 3 months, but find myself constantly having (childish) fantasies of him begging me back, going into a jealous rage when I've found someone else, and basically living with the horrible regret of throwing away his one chance at happiness. Must regain sanity and purge these thoughts. I realize these fantasies are utterly ridiculous and they actually make me very unhappy to think about. I always imagine bumping into him at a bar one night and him demanding to know if the friend I'm with is my boyfriend or trying to get me to go home with him, and then I tell him to go to hell and that he gave up the chance to be with me and now he just has to live with the fact I'm with someone else. It's all very dramatic. I just end up working myself up and then flashing back to reality that he's the one that rejected me, not the other way around, and that he is not sitting around pining for me.

In my defense, he wasn't straight about whether he was interested in me for the better part of a year and I feel like part of him led me on because it was a bit of an ego trip for him. It ended after I told him I didn't want to see him again until we cleared everything up between us, which led to a huge drunken fight several weeks later. To say things are over between us is the understatement of the century.

Despite that I've been casually dating someone else who I have a lot of fun with for awhile now, my mind always goes back to him. I know I have a lot of anger towards him, especially because prior to this he was one of my best friends and I feel like he owed it to me to be straight with me and he was anything but.

But the real issue is that my mind just keeps going back to these scenarios. I feel like every time I'm bored and my mind wanders I go back to these ridiculous revenge fantasies. So how do I stop my mind from going there? Besides these thoughts I feel like I've largely moved on. I don't want to talk to him (and we used to email back and forth all day so this is huge), I don't want to see him, I just really want him to see me, looking really good, with someone really hot and successful who saves orphans in Africa and is even smarter than him, but better than him because he isn't obsessed with football. You get the idea.

And I should say I've thought about therapy, but besides these thoughts I'm actually ok with the way things are. I'm glad that after years of wondering I know he doesn't want me and I can move on. I'm glad he is out of my life, there is just these thoughts.

what do you think about while masturbating?

krautland — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 07:46:34 -0800

I'd like to know what other people think about while masturbating and how that differs from what they think about while having sexual intercourse. I'm currently seeing a person I have been excited about for some time. that's a PG way of saying I thought about her while touching myself. I thought about what it would be like with her. I'm fortunate in that she was every bit as stunning and enjoyable in reality as imagined. yet the experience left me momentarily confused: I couldn't get my mind to race in the way I liked to get where I wanted. fantasizing about someone while they are actually there struck me as rather futile since reality is being checked against any imagined fantasy the very moment that fantasy comes up. so while I had no problems finding things to do with her I did find it tough to find something arousing to think about. I had to find a different thought pattern that might do the trick for me while being intimate with her.

so that's how this question got started. I wondered what other people think about and how that changes when they are with someone else vs. when they are alone. I realize there are a good chunk of people who enjoy sex the most when it clears their heads and they aren't thinking anything in particular but I am different and I'm curious about others that are.

Bedtime stories

Anonymous — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 08:13:01 -0800

Find me stories (books, movies, links, anecdotes) of how two ordinary, quiet, straight middle-aged people met, and learned to care for each other. I like to fantasise before I go to sleep. I build the fantasies gradually up into romantic/sexual masturbatorial aid. Romance novels are crap for this because they have gorgeous young heroines with an uncanny ability to flirt and young Fabios eager to engage in rigorous and prolonged intercourse with them. They are not helpful in with my fantasy construction - I have to be able to imagine me in the story, and I am not gorgeous nor young nor can I flirt. However, I’ve worn out old memories & scenarios and need new vanilla-ish ones.

Good examples are from the first kiss thread excepting of course, that I’m a couple of decades (or more) past first kiss, so those precise scenarios won’t ring true for me. The guy helping out with the car and the hot chocolate here sounds like an ideal candidate, but I’d like a bit more padding to the story, like when & how does he approach their first night together sort of thing.

I’m introverted, so plain old fashioned dating is not a tranquil fantasy setting for me. Instead, how about enforced togetherness (snowed into a cabin, hostage situation, I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking) where I can impress with trivia, and active listening, but not be on dating display and he can snuggle with impunity (must cuddle to stay warm, needs to support my impressive gunshot wound, that sort of thing). My hero needn’t be a rich man or particularly fit, he mostly needs intelligence and kindness, and that will make him hot to me, and of course, it helps if he finds geeky, creative women sexy, even if they are over 40 and not girly-girly.

So stories please of ordinary, quiet, straight middle-aged couples meeting and lusting. Throwaway email: fantasy.enhancement@gmail.com

Have you ever gotten so lost in your thoughts that you lost touch with reality?

pixelnark — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 21:29:21 -0800

Have you ever been so bored with reality that you became lost in your own fantasies more than usual? I'm an artist and I have a creative mind. But lately I've become scared. Really frightened actually. I have increasingly become more lost in my own thoughts than normal. At work my mind wanders until I am no longer productive. In the car I slowly tune out NPR or whatever music is playing and start thinking of hypothetical situations, new ideas, what could be happening in my life other than what is happening here and now.

To give you perspective, I just graduated from college in May and I have a lot of free time. Despite the economy I have a job in my field but I am a lowly peon and my tasks are not challenging in the least bit. I've tried picking up some responsibilities that actually stimulate my brain, but I haven't had much success. I go to the gym and run it out for an hour. I picked up some freelance work and do that when I get home. But it isn't enough. I sit at my desk and start to dream. I will think about the conversation I forgot to have, the guy I really liked who I should have said something to, or the something-or-other I wish would happen but won't because it's all in my head. That conversation won't really happen because I am too busy at work. I won't see that guy I like because I only see him at some passing company party. That something-or-other is just not grounded in reality.

Has anybody ever had this problem of getting lost in your own thoughts? The reason why it has become such a problem is that I've become less connected with what is going on around me. I'm afraid I will lose it altogether and go crazy. Please help!

How can I fulfill my fantasy?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 06:40:13 -0800

I'm a female with this recurring fantasy about two men (my biggest fantasy since I was 15). How do I go about fulfilling it? Wait, there's a catch or two. [NSFW] First, I only want to WATCH two men have sex with each other. I don't want to be sexually involved. The extent of my physical involvement might include some S&M (me topping them) but no kissing or anything further.

Second, I'm married to a straight guy. We're firmly monogamous but he's known about this fantasy since we met, and since he can't fulfill it for me, he's willing to give me some leeway if it were the right situation. Some of his best friends are gay, blah blah blah, but he's not keen on watching gay sex, nor is he keen on leaving me alone in a room with two guys unless they are certified 6s on the Kinsey scale. In which case, why would they want me there? Kind of a conundrum, you know?

Besides, I don't relish the idea of being in a room with two strange men, gay or not. Maybe they don't want to rape me but that doesn't mean they don't want to steal my stuff. I'd much rather be able to view men having sex in semi-public situations, which is part of the fantasy, but that leads to another problem: I'm not a guy, so I can't get into bathhouses, and I stick out like a sore thumb in cruisy gay bars. I hear stuff happens in parks but I'm sure guys would scatter if they saw me approach. Plus, it's rude to watch people who don't want to be watched by you. I'm hoping some real live gay guys can chime in here and tell me how they'd feel - or use my throwaway email if you don't want to admit to sex in public (anonmefivoyeur@gmail.com).

So, any ideas on fulfilling my fantasy, or will I have better luck looking for unicorns and Bigfoot? I'm in the Chicago area, FWIW.

Harmful Fantasy?

Anonymous — Wed, 24 Jan 2007 19:31:58 -0800

(possibly NSFW) I have an ongoing fantasy concerning my wife and I'm wondering why I fantasize about such a thing and whether it is potentially harmful. I often fantasize about my wife having sex with someone else. My wife knows this and it doesn't bother her. In fact she will often tell me about previous experiences she's had, or just make up stories during sex because she knows it is a turn on for me. In the fantasy she is always enjoying the sex tremendously.

Lately I've been wondering why thinking about such a thing would turn me on and whether it is healthy. I remember that early in our marriage the thought of her having sex with someone else literally made me feel sick to my stomach. But now it's just the opposite. If I had any attraction to men I might think that it was because I am bisexual. But I am not attracted to men.

Is this normal? Any idea why a person might find such a thing appealing?

Fantasizing About an Ex

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Nov 2004 13:12:05 -0800

How do you ween yourself from fantasizing about an ex? I'm a twentysomething female who was in a long distance, long term (4+ years) relationship that recently went sour. Basically, the biggest problem had to do with sex (I still wanted my partner but he apparently lost interest in me physically). Now, I'm good when it comes to making a clean break in the manifested-social-interaction sense; I don't stalk or google exes or call them up randomly just to be "friends" or initiate contact ever after break ups. But in this case, I can't stop myself from wanting this person in my head. When I daydream/fantasize sexually, he is always my partner and everything is what I wished it had been but wasn't in the last month or so of our relationship. I would prefer it if people offered me constructive ways to stop doing this rather than telling me I should just accept it--it is painful for me and I just want to move on through and through, inside and out. Dating (rebounding to forget him) isn't really the answer either--I have made a well-thought-out decision to remain single for a while as I get myself together on my own terms. I'm hoping there's something besides just the whole "time heals all wounds" adage that can help me get through this.