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How do you get a 19 year old who has already been convicted of a felony into rehab for cocaine abuse?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 10:33:06 -0800

How do you get a 19 year old who has already been convicted of a felony into rehab for cocaine abuse? Family complications outlined inside. I’m just going to lay the whole story out here because I feel like I don’t even know what details are relevant. I will try to respond via a mod if necessary. FWIW, I’ve read the previous threads on rehab and addiction… but you know, special snowflake and all that.

My brother is 19 and lives at home. My sister is 22 and also living at home while finishing college. They live with my mom and stepdad. Mom has always exhibited the classic symptoms of BPD, Stepdad is a good person but sometimes plays into her problems. I am the oldest kid and live very far away.

Last year, Brother was arrested for felony theft. He went to jail for a week. The details on this are still sketchy because Sister and I only found out months after the fact when he was brought to trial. It turned out that Mom had told Sister that Brother “ran away” while he was in jail and the only reason it came out was because Sister started suspecting something was up and snooped through the house to find out what it was (there is a long history of playing “guess the horrible secret” in my family). Brother was sentenced to several years supervised probation and 6 months house arrest. He enrolled full time in community college, sees a court-appointed therapist and psychiatrist (who diagnosed him as bi-polar), and works part time. Once I found out all of this, I called him to voice my support and offer help. He rejected the help and said that he felt like he just had to make better decisions.

A few weeks ago Sister called me to tell me that she suspected Brother was using cocaine. She said she could hear him doing it in his room and that he was uncharacteristically selling his stereo. The next day she snooped again and found a bag of white powder in his desk and confronted him. He flat out denied it and said that she didn’t know what she was talking about. She told him that if he didn’t quit she would have to tell someone for his own good and he accused her of wanting to put him in jail. She told me all of this and I started poking around online to see if there were any more surprises. When I googled his phone number, bunch of Craigslist ads came up- one for his stereo plus 5 other ads for expensive electronics. Sister and I agreed we had to tell someone and decided to go to Stepdad.

To our surprise, Stepdad had noticed the signs way before we did (although he wasn’t computer literate enough to know about the Craigslist ads). He had even brought it up with Mom, but Mom had said that Stepdad was “out to get” Brother (which is ludicrous). Stepdad then told me that right after the sentencing, Mom had switched Brother’s therapist after the first therapist suggested he needed rehab. I pulled together the ads so Stepfather and Sister could confront Mom. After that, Mom and Stepfather finally confronted Brother, who (no surprise) denied everything. Mom said, “see, I told you everything was fine” and things seemed to improve over the next few days. Brother told Sister that he’s looking into the military, so I reached out and tell him to offer encouragement and support again.

Today Sister said she heard him doing coke again. I looked on Craigslist and sure enough, another ad. Stepdad, Sister, and I all strongly suspect these are stolen goods (but don’t know where he’s stealing from) and we all want him to go to an inpatient, preferably 90 day rehab. Stepdad says he’ll talk to Mom again but doesn’t think the outcome will be good. Brother’s house arrest will be up in less than 10 days and Sister, Stepdad, and I are terrified.

So here’s the actual question part of the question: We want him to go to rehab, not jail. How can we do that with or without Mom’s help? How do we convince him to go? Is mandatory rehab an option given his criminal status? Who should we talk to? Can we trust his court appointed therapist/psychiatrist with this information? How can I continue to manage this from far away? My sister is getting ready to graduate and move out, but she feels totally responsible because while Stepdad means well, he’s ineffectual, and Mom is… as ever. How can I do more so she can feel comfortable getting the eff out of there?

Life after suicide attempt

Abbril — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:39:10 -0800

My brother attempted suicide. Now he's in the hospital. My brother was pulled off a bridge a couple nights ago. He is being held against his will at the hospital (St.Paul's in Vancouver). The dr's have said that he will be there for 3 days to 3 weeks, depending. My question is what is going on at the hospital? I'm assuming they are trying to figure out if he'll try it again (he's tried before but never been hospitalized) but I really have no idea how the days are playing out for him right now. I know that he's giving them a hard time and had to be sedated at least once. Of course, I'm half way across the country hearing all this from my mom, so there are layers of family drama to weed through and I don't feel like I really know anything. Any insight into the world of hospitalization following suicide attempts? Thanks.

Am I My Brother's Keeper?

Anonymous — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 10:15:22 -0800

My parents are divorced; my father has custody of my younger brother, but is leaving the country for a few years for work. He wants me to live with and take care of my 16 year old brother until he graduates from HS. I love my brother, but I have some objections and I’m not sure how to handle this. (long explanation inside!) God, my family is so complicated.

I’m 24, my brother is 15 and is a sophomore in high school. We live in the same metro area, but about 30 minutes away from each other and in different states.

My father is going overseas as a contractor for a few years to pay off debts/earn money, etc. He wants my brother to stay in the same town and continue going to the same school that he’s in now.

Originally, the plan was that my brother would stay with my mom, who lives three blocks away (yes, three blocks!) from my dad & brother. But then my mom moved from a two-bedroom to a one-bedroom apartment (still in the same apartment complex) and now she’s decided that she doesn’t have room for my brother and she doesn’t “feel like” moving again, even if my dad pays for her to move and pays the difference on her new rent. She's worried that if something happens to my dad's job, she won't be able to afford the new apartment and she'll have to move again, on her own dime. I also think another issue is that she had kids when she was pretty young, and she feels that she missed out on life, so now she’s enjoying an empty nest. (She’s a classic narcissist and probably not the best parental figure for my brother, but then again, I don’t think I’d be a good one either.)

So now my father has come to me, asking me to move out to their town for the next few years to live with my brother. If it were just a year, it would be inconvenient (breaking my lease, living further away from work, living in a town that I hate), but I’d do it. But we’re talking about the next two and a half years. The job I have now will be ending in June, and I have no promise of a new one, especially in this part of the country. I had plans to go to grad school next year, out of state. I'd have to put all of my plans on hold. My brother and I are not close, but I do love him. I just feel like this isn’t fair. I’m only 24, I don’t want to be a mom yet!

My dad is obviously stressed out. He’s sacrificed a lot and he just wants what’s best for our family. At this point, he doesn’t want me to talk to my mom about this anymore, but I think my mom is being selfish. On the other hand, am I being selfish too?

My brother's emotions are key in all of this too. I don't want him to feel like a human ping-pong ball.

I’ve got about a week or so to figure this all out. Everything is happening so fast. Some guidance would be appreciated.

More info:
- My brother is not responsible enough to live alone. That’s not even on the table.
- Moving in with a friend is also not an option.
- Moving with me anywhere (in the metro or out of state) is not an option, in my father’s eyes. My brother struggles academically and has a well-developed support system in his current school.

I didn't write that.

onhazier — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 19:46:01 -0800

Someone fabricated a letter in my name. Now what? Back story: My uncle is married to a crazy lady. She's got some serious mental issues and has successfully alienated my uncle and their kids from anyone in the family who says "no" to her or disagrees with her. I've done both over the years. For example, the final direct, in person conflict between her and I occurred over ten years ago. I was visiting for Christmas and had agreed to the concept of singing Christmas carols. When she showed up, she brought John Rutter arrangements of carols. When DH and I asked if we could sing traditional carols and not Rutter arrangements, we explained he'd literally just completed an entire semester studying Rutter and was burnt out. She was unhappy, became cold but didn't make a scene. That was the last time she and I saw each other in person. It is that kind of petty bs that gets blown all to hell.

Fast forward to two years ago. She and my mom had a lunch meeting to try to resolve issues between them. During said lunch, Aunt demanded an apology from me for all my rudeness. Mom let me know. So, I did write a letter. I did apologize for some snarky, rude comments I made when I was 15 (she specifically mentioned them) and for specific other times of rudeness between us. I then demanded an apology back from her, citing specific events. I did state that I believe she's a harridan but I should have been more polite, regardless. So, not really an apology. However, harridan is the most extreme word I used. She responded with a post card saying I should have no future contact with them. I've had none. Not even a Christmas card.

Fast forward to this week. I'm about to return home for a visit and a different uncle is hosting a cookout. He, being one of the few people still allowed contact with them, went and invited Uncle and Crazy Aunt's kids. When it was stated that I'd be there, they both refused to participate because of "the filthy letter she wrote us last month." Both claim to have read it. At this point, I don't know what's in it and I'm not sure I care to know.

I did not write them any letter. To do so would put too much in my own life at risk, including my foster care license. I know the uncle hosting the cookout will believe me but I also know he will not convey that to his brother because he tries to stay out of the drama. I'm sure I will never be able to get my hands on the letter and would be surprised if it even still exists.

I'd like to convey to my uncle that I did not write the letter. I'm not sure how to get him to believe it though. What can I do? What would you do?

Also, my hairy legs mean that I have "failed at being a woman."

liketitanic — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 21:19:48 -0800

How do you deal with a crazy person's total hostility? My brother is in the psych ward again, which is good, and he's getting good care, which is good.

But he's acting like a caged animal and says a lot of nasty abusive shit to me. I KNOW that he doesn't really know what he's saying and that it's not his fault. But I'm having trouble not taking his bait and not being hurt by it. Like when he says that I must really love this (being here with him) because it's easier than holding down a job. Or that I lie to him. Or that I don't keep promises to him.

How do I react to him, and how do I react in my mind? It hurts.

I suspect he is not actually the child of novelist Robert Parker.

liketitanic — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 06:49:29 -0800

Has my brother completely lost his mind? And if so, what do I do now? Before 9 PM today I was prepared to ask about biodiesel cars. My brother, in his mid-twenties, appears to be having a psychotic break in a distant city, and I'm not sure how to proceed. He called me yesterday and rambled for 3 hours about all manner of things in a completely crazy way--including the fact that he had located our long-missing older brother, but that Brother #2 was using a fake name, perhaps because the Feds are watching and there was a private investigator outside his house yesterday and he might actually be the son of novelist Robert Parker and perhaps he and I don't have the same father and is Brother #2 the same child our mother miscarried 27 years ago and when he tried to buy a computer at Best Buy the other day they switched them on him and and and. It went on like this for three hours. When I spoke he did not actually respond to the things I said, but continued in this vein.

My suspicion is that it is schizophrenia. He's the right age for it. It might also be a very long bender, because he also says that he has been using heroin until recently. Next week is also the anniversary of our mother's death. He says he is mad at his friends because they are telling him he's "crazy." The friends I managed to track down tell me this started about a week and a half ago--but that at the time he was mostly ranting about money and the stock market, not this insane baroque family shit. He also says he is getting on a plane to go to New York on Monday to see a girlfriend who told him it was probably not a good idea. I could not convince him otherwise.

What the fuck do I do, Metafilter? He keeps saying, unprovoked, that he's not going to hurt himself, so I think that EVEN IF the New Orleans police took me seriously they would ultimately not intervene. Who can I call? Will they even let him on a plane? Should I try to go to New Orleans? To New York? How can I help him? I'm worried sick.

Parent Filter: What can I do about this parent/child role reversal that is poisoning my mind and my life and how can I let this parent know that even though I love them dearly I will not continue to let them manipulate me and dump all of their responsibilities on to my plate???

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:36:49 -0800

Parent Filter: What can I do about this parent/child role reversal that is poisoning my mind and my life and how can I let this parent know that even though I love them dearly I will not continue to let them manipulate me and dump all of their responsibilities on to my plate??? Long story short, my widowed mother (who is young by definition - late sixties) let her life go to hell in a hand basket. My DH and I moved her in with us so that we could give her care and keep her from living the horrible existence that she was (dirty house, unable to take care of the pets she had, not eating right - living off of crap - and not managing her severe diabetes). When we moved her in with us, my DH and I were both 27 years old and had only been married for 5 months. That was over 3 years ago.

She doesn't give a damn about her health and always has a convenient excuse to justify what she feels like doing or not doing. She almost put herself in a diabetic coma once because she didn't manage her diabetes even though the doctor had clearly ordered her to do so. Obviously it is perfectly fine to eat a huge tin of peppermint bark that you had hidden in your room and then try to balance it out with insulin injections.... Right! And she has so many health conditions (osteoarthritis, obesity, fibromyalgia, SEVERE diabetes and the many complications that are resulting from the diabetes) not to mention her appalling lack of self-maintenance and personal hygiene... Two months ago, she fell and broke her leg. She wound up in the hospital and had to have surgery to repair the break. This has left her as non-weight bearing for 3 months. She is obese and cannot walk without a walker when she has two legs to walk on. So she has had to go to a nursing home until she can rehabilitate but has been very unhappy about that reality and has tried to get out of the rehab requirement on more than one occasion. She actually told my husband and I that she would be fine if she would just sit at home in her recliner while we went to work and if we made her some PBJ sandwiches and a glass of water so she could make it through the day until we got home. This is crazy... We told her no and I don't think she gets it.....

She has alienated my other siblings through her master manipulator bullshit and as a result I have lost one of my siblings (no longer speaks to my mother or myself) and the other is only helping out/sticking around because they love me and want to support me/not leave me hanging. My mother has nothing to do all day long but sit around and read trashy novels, but somehow she can't seem to manage making her own doctor appointments (even though I set up a HIGHLY convenient calender which has everyone's schedule on it - hence eliminating the excuse of 'I can't make appointments since I don't know what your schedules are and someone has to take me to the doctor). Did I forget to mention that she quit driving for no particular reason?

My husband and I have REPEATEDLY sat down with her and told her that her current situation and methodology in handling it has been unacceptable. Take a shower, change your clothes, wash your hair, eat right, exercise wherever and however you can, and for the love of god, start acting like a member of the living human race!!! Now last time I checked, she was not declared mentally incompetent and I was not appointed as her guardian. In my mind, this means that my family and I do what we need to do in order to make her life at home comfortable within reason. This does not mean that I am supposed to be her personal assistant/secretary and that she can just sit back and be the Queen of Sheba with no responsibilities what so ever. It also does not mean that she can just sit there and let herself be filthy and stink just because it takes so much effort to take a shower. And god forbid she does take that shower and clean herself up! Then she can't do anything for the rest of the day because it "took so much out of" her...

Yes, I am at fault for allowing this behavior to go on for as long as I have. But I have had my awakening and I also have a infant son who needs his mother since he is in fact a baby and cannot take care of himself. Therefore here are the questions that I have at hand:

# 1 - How can I convey that I am done catering to her, that she is an adult and needs to be responsible for herself and that I am invoking the protective shield of self-preservation immediately?

#2 - Once I have established the bare minimum requirements for her, how do enforce them? I know that one thing I can use is "if you don't/can't meet these expectations then we aren't equipped to take care of you anymore". The only problem with that is that it will become an empty threat if used too much. What other repercussions can I use?

# 3 - How can I break free of her manipulation of me through guilt? I need to rid myself of those shackles in order to be strong and not allow further mind games by the master manipulator.

Please feel free to e-mail me with any questions that you might have or any suggestions you can offer. I've set up a throw-away email address at: preserving.my.sanity@gmail.com