Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with family

He IS heavy, he's my brother

sfkiddo — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 16:39:24 -0800

I'm closing the family bank/charity. What do I say when the next sibling asks for a "loan"? I have many siblings; most of them lurch from crisis to crisis (declaring bankruptcy, living in their cars/on friends' couches, cashing in retirement accounts, etc.). My mother has paid for a lot of this behavior but is thankfully toughening up lately (because of some latent backbone but also financial pressures).

I am the youngest and have been suckered/guilt-tripped/stupid enough to "loan" money to various siblings that I generally do not get back. (I know, I know, don't loan money to friends/relatives.) During the Christmas phone calls, I learned that one of my sisters is facing eviction unless she gets a job next month. I know I am going to get the call, and would like constructive ways to respond instead of just screening my calls.

While my financial house is not entirely in order, I am getting more and more disgusted with the way my siblings operate. The sister in question is in her 50s, has declared bankruptcy at least once, hasn't worked since getting fired from her job in fall 2008, cashed out her 401k (for the third time), and has been basically waiting around until all the money is gone. Her husband is also not working/trying.

This will be an ongoing problem, especially after my mom is gone (she is in her 80s). I love my brothers and sisters. How do I manage to keep a relationship with them without subsidizing them for the rest of their lives?

How to entertain parents you don't get along with?

thegreatcokeolympics — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 10:29:58 -0800

Activities to do in San Francisco for mellow people... My parents and I will be visiting SF for christmas and staying a few days after. This is the first time in a while we are spending time together due to the inevitable drama and negativity that comes when we get together. I really want this trip to go well! I need some suggestions for activities that will keep us preoccupied (so we don't have the chance to argue or complain), but not annoy us, and by us, I mean my mother. This means nothing too loud or that has that "young person" vibe. I'm 28 and my parents are in their mid 50s, so I'm aiming for something age neutral.

I ask for suggestions because I seem to either find young person hot spots or family oriented spots (which inevitably means directed at kids), but nothing in between. Please point me in the right direction!

Also, nothing too expensive.

Thanks in advance for your help!

Am I crazy to offer a gift of financial planning services to my cousins?

RecalcitrantYouth — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 05:10:13 -0800

My Aunt, Uncle and cousins have never been good with money, and have also never had well paying jobs. My Uncle has just inherited a (low) six-figure sum. Do I try to help them out by offering to build a financial plan for them? I'm a well-off thirty-something professional, with some accounting and finance training. My Aunt and Uncle are in their fifties, and the cousins are in their twenties and still living at home. From what I can tell, they have lived paycheque to paycheque for years. They own a home rather than renting, but that is mainly because of an earlier inheritance (and the home is not paid off). Without help, I fear that they will fritter away this latest windfall, and there's no more inheritance money to come.

They live about two hours away from me, so most of the planning work (other than an initial consultation) would be by phone or email.

I'd like to help them out, but I'm afraid it's just a recipe for unhappiness and family strife. Has anyone tried this before? Did it work out well or poorly? Any other ideas for ways to help?

Do I have to invite my father to the wedding?

gauche — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 06:21:23 -0800

Should I invite my estranged father to my wedding? I recently became engaged to a wonderful woman, and we are planning our wedding. I am torn about whether I should invite my father to the wedding. Before you say, "of course you should, he's your father" let me explain.

I was always very close to my father, growing up; I was the oldest of five, and his clear favorite in ways that made me feel uncomfortable and a little guilty. Six years ago, my father confided in me that he was having an affair. He asked me to keep it quiet from my mother, who was then his wife, and from my siblings. After considering the position he had put me in, I told him that keeping this secret put me on his side, and that I could not take his side in an affair like this. I told him that he had to come clean about it to my mother or I would have to tell her my, for the sake of my own conscience. After that conversation, our relationship turned very ugly. I saw a side of my father that I had never seen before: manipulative, deceitful, selfish, and cruel.

I was between jobs at the time, so I found work in another time zone and moved away, in part to put distance between myself and this situation. Soon after I left, he divorced my mother. Two of my sisters have not spoken to him since; the other is coolly cordial; my brother is in the armed services, and does his best to avoid this side of the country entirely. It is all very painful and fraught with avoidance.

Over the years, I have tried to re-establish my relationship with my father on several occasions, but invariably I am disappointed by our encounters. I am very hurt and angry, and we can make cordial small-talk but that is about it. I feel that he has violated my trust, and I don't think we can have a relationship until he earns it back. I am willing to consider him earning it back, and indeed I would like him to do so. He does not believe that he has hurt me, or is unwilling to do anything to show that he is sorry for having done so. Every time I see him, I lose my emotional footing for several days afterwards.

Having made a number of unsuccessful attempts to get him to even acknowledge the betrayal I feel, I consider us to be estranged, with occasional, brief contact. I certainly want to remain open to the possibility of reconciliation, but I do not hold out much hope for it.

In the circumstances, the wedding is a sort of crisis, in that if I do not invite him, that has implications which I do not want to make ("you are dead to me") but if I do invite him, that too has implications ("you are a part of my life"). Further, I feel like his presence will cast a pallor over my mother, my sisters, my brother, and my maternal grandfather. It will certainly dim my own mood. My fiancee has never met my father, and she would rather he did not attend because it will spoil the mood of the day and bring up old wounds for my family, who have been very good to her.

I don't want him at my wedding, but I don't want to foreclose an eventual reconciliation either. One thing I am very proud of about the past six years is that I have not said anything to him that cannot be unsaid. No matter how hurt I was, I haven't burned the bridge. In order to do that, I have sometimes had to be silent -- for years at a time -- instead. With the wedding, I cannot fail to say something, one way or another. What am I supposed to do?

Help me deal with my parents and their ass-eating dog.

granted — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 11:41:06 -0800

HomeForTheHolidaysFilter: Help me deal with my parents and their ass-eating dog. About a year and a half ago, my parents' 12-year-old longhaired German Shepard (Skye) was given about two months to live. My dad was heartbroken and immediately started looking for a replacement. My mother, however, was looking forward to the independence offered by not having a large dog in the house. But my dad begged my mother for a new dog, and eventually she told him, “I don’t want a dog but I can’t stand in your way either if you're willing to care for the dog.” He got a 1-year old Shepard (Maya) from a rescue shelter.

Fast-forward to the present: Skye is still alive but can barely walk (he requires a lot of care), and Maya has become a serious problem. I'm visiting for the month (usually I'm away at school), and I am finding the situation unbearable for the following reasons:

-THE HAIR: Two German Shepards shed an incredible amount and hair covers almost every surface, but my parents don’t vacuum often. I find the hair upsets my breathing a bit. Part of the problem is that they cannot brush Skye because it causes him pain. They also do not brush Maya (for reasons unknown to me). My dad is responsible for vacuuming but he doesn’t do it. Anytime I bring up vacuuming, it provokes a fight. I have tried doing it myself but I get resentful especially because the Maya ate some of the vacuum attachments, making it hard to get the hair up (and my dad won't replace them because he claims he "fixed them.").

-TRAINING: Skye is very well trained (we adopted him after his past family sent him to obedience school) but Maya has no training. My dad refuses to send her to obedience school, contending that they can train her himself. So far, he has done some haphazard clicker training but doesn’t do it often enough. Usually Maya finds a way to get to the source of the treats and eats them all in one fell swoop anyway. She has also taught Skye some bad new habits, like drinking out of the toilet. Maya has an oral fixation and typically destroys anything in reach. We now cage her when we go out but she still gets into trouble when we’re home.

-WALKS/EXERCISE: Traditionally, we’ve taken our dogs out three times a day for longish walks. But now, because Skye can barely walk, we just walk Maya about ½ block and my parents refuse to take them on separate walks. I think Maya just has too much energy. She runs out back sometimes but there aren’t any kids at home to play with her.

-HYGIENE: The dogs have just made the house super dirty, and it's disgusting. For example: Skye will take a shit, Maya will spend 20 minutes licking his ass and eating his dried shitballs, and then run around sticking her nose in everything.

-THE FIGHTING: Despite his frustration with her, my dad has grown attached to Maya. Meanwhile, my mother has grown more and more resentful. My mother's resentfulness and my father's distaste for household chores has led to a great deal of tension. "The dogs" have become a "third rail issue" meaning that we really can't talk about them honestly. We cannot have a dialogue, for example, about whether to put Skye to sleep and we cannot discuss how best to train Maya. Any suggestions I put forth cause a fight. Meanwhile, my mother refuses to do more than the bare minimum for Maya because my dad adopted her on the promise that he would take on the primary care role. To be fair, I do contribute to the tension by losing my patience with Maya and making my opinions about her odor, her behavior, and the state of the house known. I'm ashamed to say that I don't always express my opinions in the most mature way (a la, "get away from me, you stupid ass eater ")

I know there are obvious solutions to these problems, but anything I suggest turns into a fight. If I say something to my father, my mom just starts yelling at my dad, saying she hates the dog too. My parents resent my coming home and telling them how to live their lives, and they seem unable to commit any more time to the dogs (they put a lot of time into caring for Skye already - and, as I said, my dad will not entertain the suggestion of putting Skye down). How can I cope with this situation, given my physical discomfort, my resentment, and my parents' unwillingness to address the giant hairy elephant(s) in the room?

(Posting for my gf, who will respond to questions by proxy)

Help me stop mentally rolling my eyes all the time.

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 13:34:52 -0800

How can I get over my continual annoyance with a family member? After a number of years apart, I have been living again with a family member who gets on my nerves at the drop of a hat. Even now that I've come to recognize my emotions as (quite often) irrational, I find that I often have trouble maintaining civility in everyday, mundane interactions. I do get irritated at other people I know from time to time, but usually that is in isolated occurrences when I am under lots of stress or they are really being boneheaded.

I'm aware that many of the things we tend to find irritating have more to do with ourselves than the person committing the irritating act. I'm also aware that people do actually do annoying things, or get into irritable moods. This situation seems to go beyond those things.

How can I make this relationship less frustrating for myself and start treating said family member like a normal human being who deserves politeness, cordiality, etc...? Bonus points if it doesn't involve further overly-sanitized, let's-think-of-ways-to-get-along mediation, and allows us both to relax around each other more in general.

It's the least wonderful time of the year

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 10:43:51 -0800

How to handle an abusive, alcoholic family for Christmas - now and in years to come? I am 25 years old, and have managed to (mostly) escape my emotionally abusive, alcoholic family. I only go home once a year...and that's for Christmas. Needless to say, this is my least favorite time of the year, and I'm freaking out about heading home in a few weeks.

I don't have many friends in my hometown anymore, and my family doesn't really venture outside the house. Basically, each Christmas is three or four days of drinking, screaming, weeping, cursing, falling over, and general angst.

Although I hope to eventually not go home for Christmas, right now it's just not an option. What I'm looking for are some good coping strategies to deal with holidays at home. How can I reduce my stress and fill the endless hours? How do I prevent myself from getting hurt when situations like the following happen?

- my grandmother gets too drunk to stand before dinner even starts
- my father screams at my mother to go lay down because nobody wants to look at her anymore and she's an embarrassment to her children
- my mother hides weeping in the basement and when I go to find her, she begs me to "throw her in rehab" if she ever gets as bad as my grandmother

(This was all last Christmas, by the way.)

Things I've done in years past include watching a lot of TV, playing on the internet all day, and altering my sleep schedule to limit the amount of hours my family and I are mutually awake.

One note - I don't drink during the holidays, because I see what it does to my family, and I also have an intense fear of losing control around them and bringing their wrath onto me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know this probably doesn't sound too terribly bad, but it hurts me a lot every single year and I would love to learn how to make it hurt less. Throwaway email is drunksmas@gmail.com.

Santa would've brought gifts if given enough warning!

beautifulcheese — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 14:00:33 -0800

My family decided in November on not buying Christmas gifts this year as we are all adults and have what we need anyway. I get paid once a month and right now am living cheque to cheque. So I spent the money I had saved up on extra credit payments. Now they've changed their minds and all want gifts. I have 25 dollars to last me til the 30th. How do I get through this holiday without being as bitter as I am now? And not feel like a loser for no one having a gift? To top it off I'm struggling through a bad bout of SAD on top of a good two decades of on and off hard depression that is just beginning to ease w/ the miracle dose of pills we've found. I want to crawl into bed and tell them all off. I certainly have absolutely no energy to make some 10 odd gifts for xmas.

I thought of skipping the whole thing but I've been told repeatedly in the past that I am selfish to not share my company with family on the holidays. Plus family will be staying with me and I can't find a way around that.

I really loathe the holidays. Yet feel guilt that I don't enjoy my family either.

Am I being overly sensitive to the change in minds? Or what the lack of gifts on my part will mean? What can I say when someone hands me a gift from under the tree when I have nothing in return?

"But the wind goes right through you/It's no place for the old"

rmm — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 12:58:12 -0800

Christmas dinner in Toronto - need some crazy recommendations for something out of the ordinary. Hometown girl who now lives out of T.O. (sadly) - returning home for the holidays. I'm looking for any ideas for places for Christmas dinner itself - something out of the ordinary than just 'the family sits down to turkey'. I've looked at the previous threads, but need to find something a bit more recent.

This year we'll be without one key family member - my mum - and I'm desperate to do something different that just 'sit around the table and reminisce'. It will be too painful for that. What are some of the more fun activities (which may or may not involve actual eating) that are open on Christmas evening and aren't already sold out? I'm open to any suggestions - if it wasn't hokey and geared towards kids I'd even consider Medieval Times (god forbid) or dinner theatre - that's how desperate I'm thinking. I'm looking through the eye and NOW online, but am hoping desperately that some locals have ideas of what they've done that has made Christmas a little out of the ordinary, and also what's out there that looks fun. Short of jumping out of an airplane we're open to ideas. We're a small party of maybe 6, tops, if that helps. Again, it doesn't have to be based around Christmas dinner/food activity... I'm looking for out of the ordinary activities to keep us distracted. Preference given to the GTA, although I'm open to places outside of it (Niagara Falls to Hamilton to surrounding areas).

Thanks Mefis!

You're alien to me, but I love you anyway...

Hakaisha — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 12:16:05 -0800

So, we don't clash outright (much), but we don't really talk either... I'm 22, female, living at home currently while I finish my degree--although I might move out for my last year (next year). I'm Asian. Insert relevant stereotypes of protective parents.

My parents and I get along; there's no real animosity or anything. However, getting along != close; in fact, I'm actually quite distant from my family. I'd like to not be, really, hence my question.

I grew up in Canada, and have starkly different views compared to my parents on a lot of things. I'm not religious, they are; I support sex/living together before marriage and they don't, I value space to be my own person whereas they like interdependence, think family is first above all, and that it's perfectly feasible to live with one's parents under the same roof for years, etc. It shows in very simple things, even; for example, since we rarely Do Anything Together I think it's perfectly acceptable to say morning of (or an hour before) "Hey, I'm going out with x" whereas Mom would go "How come you don't ever tell us these things beforehand?" even though she wouldn't try to stop me from going or anything. (Yes, this one was an issue and has been largely resolved, but for example.)

There also is a language barrier: I'm fluent in English whereas theirs is patchy; their main language is Chinese whereas my Chinese...leaves much to be desired. Sometimes even "what'd you do today?" poses linguistic problems (I'm a chemistry student, and it's hard enough to describe why my reaction needs x y and z parameters or something, or to launch a tale of how calculus eats my soul) since I moved to Canada when I was 5.

There are some things that really can't be helped unless I move out (e.g. clashes about curfews, boyfriends, things like that). I'm fiercely independent, but I'm aware that my parents will not really view me as an Adult for a while (at least until after I get a job, if ever...yes, I know they mean well). Yes, yes, their house, their rules; while there've been some clashes (some really bad ones, even), generally there's been unspoken resignment/agreement on those fronts. Given language barriers and different philosophical viewpoints, we don't really get into much Deep Deep Discussion either because a lot of the times we just go around in circles because we can't adequately explain our viewpoints across the language barrier and we get frustrated. I really just end up...not talking a lot to my parents. I don't have much to hide (don't do drugs, don't go out partying...I'm a pretty quiet type), but it's just so much easier not trying (and failing) to explain why my friend's 4e D&D Elven Ranger just destroyed that White Dragon with a vicious twin strike attack is so awesome when my parents can't understand why a few pieces of paper and a plastic figurine is so captivating.

My older brother's very much similar; we're not close either, although we don't have the language barrier and interest barriers. I'm not sure why I'm distant from my brother; he deals with our parents much the same way as I do. Over the years we've had similar interests (console/cards/tabletop games, certain sports), but we've just never connected after elementary school. Granted, we seem to be getting into the same interests over different time periods, but. I don't know his philosophical viewpoints at all (although I suspect they're closer to mine than my parents), and I'm sure that my parents' don't agree with mine.

So, given the caveats that my brother just may not be interested in having a deeper understanding with me, and my parents are interested but will probably never agree with me on certain things: are there things I can do to try and nurture deeper connections with my family? I know my parents wish I (and we) weren't so stand-off-ish, but...while I'd like for us to be closer, we're so different in ideas and interests that I don't know how to change that. And since my brother might as well be a stranger living under the same roof, I don't know with him either. (At least with my parents I know we disagree, with my brother...no idea. He's a clam inside the house, but much different outside.)

I love my family, but I do think it'd be easier if I was far away from them; they're just very...fondly exasperating.

NB: I have read The Five Love Languages, and while I suspect it might help in this situation I don't know how to get my family on board. I'm definitely way too distant from my brother to suggest to him to read it (him: wtf, Christian relationship book???), and my parents wouldn't understand the English. I've tried communicating the principles of some of it to my parents at least ("Mom, Dad, I don't really need or want you to do everything for me, it's not how I work" but then they feel rejected because "you treat our caring as annoyances etc etc" and get very upset). The language barrier doesn't help.

Flesh not an option

Rallon — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 11:26:40 -0800

Help me have the most awesome themed gift this Christmas! A pound of _______ So my extended family gets together for a tricky sort of round-robin gift giving event every Christmas, and everyone brings a gift. To spice things up the past few years we've added themes. Last year we had to do a gift with the same first letter as in our first name - I Asked MeFi for that one, too.

This year, the theme is "A pound of something." Clearly, things like food are boring and lame. Flesh, probably not an option. Please, help me think of something awesome and clever!

Spendiness should probably be under $25 or so, and the company is age 5-85. However, trading is a part of the game, so it's not necessary that everybody like everything. Also, booby-prizes are part of the show, so it's cool to either have a pound of something really amazing that everyone will trade FOR, or hilarious to give a pound of something terrible and laugh at whoever gets stuck with it.

Thanks, AskMe!

Where should my family go skiing in the Pacific Northwest this winter?

bluedaisy — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 10:13:15 -0800

Please recommend ski slopes for my family to learn to ski and snowboard in the Pacific Northwest this winter. We live in Portland, Oregon, and this winter my kids want to learn to ski (the 5 year old) and snowboard (the 7 year old). I used to ski but was never very good and haven't gone in many years. I'd like to take a few snowboarding lessons (yes I know this will hurt). My husband loved skiing til he hurt his knee. He's thinking about snowboarding.

We have some time around Christmas. Mt. Hood is super close, but since we have a few days, we can drive somewhere, and stay a few nights, if it'd be better for us.

I'd like to find someplace family-friendly (like maybe with a tube center), with a good kids' learn-to-ski/snowboard school. We don't need much beyond green slopes. We'd like to stay in lodging pretty close to the ski slope (this is flexible). Also, we are not rich.

So, what family-friendly ski resorts/slopes do you recommend?

Also, any advice on how to prep my kids for skiing and snowboarding would be great. They're pretty active kids, and my older one already skateboards.

Finally, if you have injured your knee and now snowboard, I'd love to hear from you. Thanks!

Wii games for all ages

sonofslim — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 06:24:47 -0800

I'm thinking about buying a Wii for my family this xmas. What are some titles that my parents (mid 50s) might enjoy playing with my niece and nephew (ages 3 and 5)?

Family Christmas

Anonymous — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 08:43:27 -0800

Christmas with parents or with friends? Wohoo. Long explanation.

Background: My parents have a very erratic relationship. When I feel snappy I describe them as two divorcees that live together. Since we moved to Spain and even before my mom has always seemed on the verge of leaving and the one thing, according to her, keeping her was the children and, after my brother left, me. After I too left she stayed then semi-left two years later, getting a flat in England. She has never spent more than two weeks in that flat before going back down to Spain to be with my Dad, then returning again and, having told me that she would be staying for good, going back down. Repeat cycle.

Not too long ago I met up with her while she was in England and she said that this Christmas would happen in the UK with my Dad coming up. She also said she wanted to try living by herself and she wouldn't be leaving England for a while. Next I get an email from my Dad saying that my Mom has come back down to Spain and will be spending Christmas there. I told my Dad I've already arranged to spend Christmas with some friends (which is true) because I thought Christmas would be in the UK. He said there's a ticket to Spain for me or they could come up.

Now my problem's twofold: I don't want to spend Christmas with my parents (I don't know what they're up to and I don't want to get involved) and I feel like a horrible human being (but Christmas is for the family!)

Other side info: my brother won't be with us on the 25th whatever happens so it will be me and my parents with no buffer zone.

Do I shallow my apprehensions and give my parents a nice Christmas?

How often do people change their minds about starting a family?

lilyflower — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 07:39:23 -0800

How often do people change their minds about starting a family? I have heard a lot of anecdotal evidence that people in their twenties say that they don't want to have children, and then reach their thirties and start a family. I have also heard many people saying to those who are ambivalent about children that "they will change their minds."

I would really like to find out if there have been any studies which have tracked people’s opinions on whether they "do want kids" or "do not want kids" and how those opinions may change over the years.

Does anyone know of any studies that have been done which asked people this sort of question?

I would also be interested in stats which consider people changing their mind due to meeting “the one”, men who get convinced by their female partners because now she definitely wants to have a child, and women who change their minds and put it down to “baby fever” or their "biological clock." I am particularly interested in studies which determine what proportion of people who say they don't want kids remain childfree.

I have read lots of threads on AskMefi about people being unsure and asking for advice, people who have answered included those who have become parents and say that they made a good decision, as do those who have remained childfree. Although anecdotes might suggest that "you'll change you're mind" most of the time, without having some idea of the change rate from statistical analysis I am less inclined to accept the premise as one size fits all.

Thank you in advance for your assistance.

How to handle Christmas stay envy?

Flitcraft — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:45:33 -0800

What's the best way to stand up to my mother about Christmas and to handle her jealousy about our better relationship with my partner's parents? She's determined to make the holiday season into a zero sum game with my partner's mother My partner and I originally set a rule of not going to either party's parents for Christmas, but doing our own thing instead- partly to have fun and partly to avoid my very difficult mother who goes into overdrive at Christmas. This worked until partner agreed that we should spend last Christmas with his parents, arguing that just because my mother is very difficult, his mother shouldn't be deprived. We weren't able to stop my mother finding out, and she's now trying to leverage it into guilting us into spending Christmas with her and my stepfather. When I say no, (and I'm going to) there's going to be a major tantrum about why she isn't getting the same treatment and she will cast up to me everything I/we've done with my partner's parents. The truth is, they're a lot easier to get on with, and we're a lot more comfortable with them, but I can't say this to her without hurting her/ making for an even worse argument. What's the best way to handle her jealousy of our better relationship with my partner's parents?

I can't afford my family's Christmas expectations, how to handle this appropriately?

Anonymous — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:04:41 -0800

My husband lost his job, we're not sure how we're going to pay the rent in January, and my family is being assholes about Christmas gifts. This is a little complicated so I'm going to try and break it down.

My family:
1. my mother and stepfather (no kids)
2. my dad and stepmom
3. stepsister A + husband + 1 small kid
4. stepsister B + husband + 1 small kid + 1 teenager

Mom and stepdad don't want us to buy them anything. They have been extremely generous. Dad and stepmom see Christmas unfolding as usual; we buy gifts for them (2 adults) the kids (3) and we each pick one name amongst siblings (so, 2 adults per family)

On his side, there are 6 adults and 5 small children. There's no expectation to get the adults anything on his side, and we're all universally broke anyway.

So, in total we're expected to buy for 8 kids and 4 adults. This is money we Do Not Have - it will go on credit cards. I have no qualms about buying stuff for kids, they're not resposnsible for our poor decision making. I would hope the adults would be more understanding, but when I suggested that we not draw names for the adults this year, I got the dirtiest look. Both of my stepsisters and their husbands are working; my stepsisters have well paying jobs. They know my husband lost his job, they know my job doesn't pay well. Appearances may be deceiving because we bought nice cars when we were both working. We made some bad decisions, I won't lie and we are working hard to rectify this. But it infuriates me that I am expected to spend $150 on adults that don't need anything, when we're already going to spend ~$200 on the kids.

Religious appeals won't work, Christmas is pretty much a secular thing. My stepmom is all OMG tradition and her daughters have inherited this attitude.

Also, we have exhausted my mother's and father-in-laws generosity, so we may have to ask my dad & stepmom for a loan if my husband doesn't find a job in December. My husband is really and truly embarrassed about taking their help, he doesn't want my dad to think less of him (my dad is old school) and he'd rather put the gifts on credit cards than make this an issue. Me, I'm just plain pissed off that they'd rather get a f--kin sweater vest than help us buy groceries. If you haven't guessed, we're not close to begin with, but there's not been any open animosity either.

Fuck death

Bageena — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 17:58:49 -0800

Both of my wife's parents died. Her dad first in January, now her mom in September. My wife is the oldest child. No will was left. What do we do? I tried this question before but I put way too much information on it and I had to get it removed. I thought we'd figured out what steps to take, but we're back at square one. There's several properties, several vehicles, life insurance policies, monies in bank accounts, bonds, et cetera. My questions are;
1. Is there any way to do this without a lawyer?
2. If not, is there cheap or free legal counsel I can find online or where we live, in Arizona?
3. What should we be expecting in the way of hurdles? Probate, taxes, things like that.

I don't know. I'm hyper-depressed. I really didn't want to handle all of this shit and with all the family in-fighting, I wish the state would take it all. However, my wife has a vested interest I guess, so here I am. Please help Mefi.

(I'm in AZ)
(If your an attorney who can help me, please, by all means, drop me an e-mail)

Help, I feel culturally patronised

Xianny — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:11:39 -0800

My boyfriend's mother keeps trying to rename me and I find it offensive, what should I do? I use an anglicised version of my Chinese name for convenience. It's a nickname that my friends started using when I was around 13, so it's not just something that I made up. Upon meeting my boyfriend's mother, she concocted a more "English-sounding" pronunciation and spelling for my name - from "Xianny" to "Shanni".

I find "Shanni" to be ridiculously twee but even if I liked the name I don't like being renamed so casually and by someone else, especially someone that I'd (at the time) just met. It wasn't even in the context of "oh, that's hard for me to pronounce, can I call you Shanni instead?" - she just started doing it, no questions asked.

I would just write this off as a harmless annoyance, but for the fact that she's starting to be more aggressive about it and I find it quite rude and patronising. If other family members ask me how to spell my name in her presence, I'll start to tell them but she'll talk over me to deliver her version. On a recent birthday card from her and her mother (who I have a pretty close relationship with), she striked out my name and wrote "Shanni" instead. The rest of the family seem to have no problem with my name, it's just her, but I don't want to wind up having everyone call me "Shanni".

This is starting to bother me quite a bit. I've been with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years and I've known her for about 2 years. She doesn't take kindly to being corrected. She won't make a fuss, but usually just dismisses anyone who disagrees with her, and acts as if she's being personally insulted. How do I deal with this - should I talk to her about it at all? It's quite a close-knit family and simply avoiding her is not something I'm willing to do.

Help me help my wife

alshain — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 20:37:24 -0800

My wife has confidence, self esteem issues. We have been married for four years and we have two kids. I live in Canada and she's from S. Africa. She lived there all her life until she was 22. We met there. Got married there. But now live in Canada. She is finding it difficult to adapt. The life here is very different for her. One of her biggest obstacles is her accent. Also, because she has lived in S. Africa for so long, she finds it difficult to connect with people and family from here.

I live with my parents. Which doesn't help. It's a culture thing. Family business doesn't help the matter either. My brother who is married to a Canadian girl, lives a few houses down.

My parents connect with my brother's wife than they do with my wife. My wife usually gets left out of the loop. She is also shy and likes to keep to herself. She is very soft spoken and a very kind person. Problem is she takes garbage from everyone - can't stand up for herself.

How do I resolve this issue? I know I have a few issues going on here.

Grow up or build a time machine?

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 10:19:36 -0800

How do I make it feel like home? Is it possible to develop a sense of family with your partner eventually, or should it have been there already when you were dating?

I've been with my partner for a long time, and, I confess, I only got into the relationship in the first place because of all the magic and romance I felt at the time. I didn't think it would get serious, but I was very much in love and fantasized about marriage. We got married, it's been awhile. I still love him very much, but for lack of a better term, I find myself feeling homesick. His family is nice, not quite warm and fuzzy, but nice, and kind. WASPy types. They don't live near us, which is fine, and exactly what I thought I wanted when I used to dream of having my own family. We're in our thirties, don't have kids, no house, and we've kept our money and finances totally separate with no desire to combine our assets into one account or pool.

Maybe I'm being stupid, but I don't feel like a family unit with my partner. I don't care about the the accounts, it feels more like a symptom of whatever is wrong with me. I feel like we're in a long-term dating relationship rather than a marriage. I don't think I want kids with him (he's a little high strung and anxious, a lot of the time now as he nears his forties, qualities that I don't think go away when you deal with children), we've had two abortions already (which possibly started this feeling I had that we weren't a real family or he didn't want to be a real family).

My own family is overseas and far away. I miss them and can't see them regularly due to distance and work. The way I felt growing up was so lovely and warm. Here, no matter how much my partner says he loves me, it feels like there's some isolation and underlying tension between us. He says it's not supposed to feel warm and and nurturing and unconditional the way it was when I was growing up because we're not children anymore. I don't know if my expectation that we should feel like a little family instead of people who are cohabitating are off or if this is a sign that this isn't a good fit, or if there are ways I can make it feel like a family.

Can I have your tips about entering into the holiday season right after my dad's death?

NikitaNikita — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:33:07 -0800

Death, mourning, family, and holidays: How to prepare for the holidays in a post-Dad world? Can I have your tips about entering into the holiday season right after my dad's death?

My Dad died a few weeks ago, somewhat unexpectedly. He was 71 and he had some heart problems for some time, but I didn't expect him to go now, since he had been so sick but then recovered many times in the past.

For the holidays, it was always my mom, my dad and I as a core unit (I'm an only child). For example, in recent years' thanksgivings we might have had one or two of my friends come out to dinner with us, but otherwise it was really just the 3 of us. The Christmas tradition was just the three of us meeting up in a random US city to spend time together, exchange gifts, eat dinner out and see a new city over the course of a few days.

I'm going through a lot/feeling really weird and out of sorts right now. I expect it to be worse over the holidays. Are there any tips on how to prepare ?

One Thanksgiving option is an invite from a family friend to join them, but I feel like this might make me more depressed seeing a happy "whole/complete" family altogether. If that makes sense? But then I wonder if it will feel even more lonely with just my mom and I. Additionally, it would be a good time around Thanksgiving to go to my parents' house and work on sorting out my dad's paperwork, etc, but my mom is torn between getting that done and getting away from the house to clear her hear.

Thanks in advance for any advice here.

Missing Classic Song

captainscared — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 06:00:44 -0800

Shortly, after 9/11 David Letterman hosted Emmylou Harris, Gillian Welch, and Nancy Griffith performing an acapella version of the Carter Family's' "Will the Circle Be Unbroken." Anyone know where I can find the audio or video of this forgotten classic? Thanks

My little sister's growing up :'(

SebastianKnight — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 05:13:28 -0800

My younger sister is moving in with her future-fiancé. How to mark this passage, and what house-warming gift to buy them? My wonderful sister (early 20s) is about to move in with her boyfriend (who will very likely become my brother-in-law within 18 months). They're moving into his new house (not renting), and they're seriously planning their futures together. This is the big one, and I'm so happy for both of them. They're a great match and they're very together, level-headed people. I'm very hopeful for them.

She's moving out of my mum's house and it feels like this move closes a door on a part of our sibling relationship. My sister and I are very very close, and her moving out of mum's house likely means that we'll probably never live under the same roof again. We'll stay close, but this feels like a significant passage from one chapter to the next. In some ways, it marks the end of our shared extended-childhood. We've been through movings in and out and back and forth and together and apart before, but never with this air of finality.

So I have one pragmatic question and one fuzzy one.

1) Do you have any suggestions for a housewarming gift for them? (I've read previous Asks on this topic but couldn't find one with this sort of background.) I'm struggling.

2) If you've been through anything like this, how did you mark the occasion? How did you handle it? Have you any advice?

Thanks.

Help us forge new holiday traditions!

PhoBWanKenobi — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 07:00:43 -0800

What are some traditions that we can incorporate into our first ~~Christmas~~ solstice together? Mr. WanKenobi and I just got hitched. Our families are in NJ--we're in Florida. To avoid conflict both between our respective families, and each other (he wants to travel to NJ for X-mas this year; I really want to try to get my family to come to me, after flying to colder climes every year for the past three), we've decided to celebrate the "real" holiday apart and to celebrate the solstice together, instead.

We're both agnostic half-Jews who loved Christmas as children. Both of our mothers celebrated only begrudgingly for most of our childhoods, but both my Christian dad and his Christian step-dad are gone now, so the past decade or so has seen serious degradation of any semblance of the holiday traditions that, honestly, once meant a lot to both of us. Nevertheless, there's still a lot of pressure to be with family, even though (especially in my case), this usually means little more than overwrought fighting about presents or what movie we're going to see. Yuck. Unfortunately, there's no way for either of us to get out of that without a lot of hurt feelings.

I'm hoping that celebrating in Florida on the 21st, instead, will give both the Mister and me a chance to inject some much need joy and fun into the holiday season. I'm looking forward to resurrecting some traditions from both of our childhoods, but I also realize that this is a chance to forge some new ones as well. Because we're not religious, they can be from any religious tradition, really, or they could even be wholly invented. So far, I'm thinking of a wassail bowl, a tree, and some Christmas movies burned to DVD, but I would love to hear suggestions for traditions or customs that make mefites feel warm and fuzzy about the holiday season!