Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with family

Grocery Budget for a Whole-Foods loving family

percor — Thu, 23 May 2013 17:51:09 -0800

We're a family of four with two girls, ages 5 and almost 2. Need to keep grocery budget around 100/week. We like to buy organic fruits, veggies, and milk. How do you do it? Examples, lists, all helpful. We've been averaging 250/week until recently, when it's been down to about 150. I am a full-time parent and do most of the cooking, usually cooking 3-4 times a week. I love cooking and trying new recipes, but one child is very picky and likes things like packaged yogurt and breakfast bars. I used to shop exclusively at Whole Foods, and would like to continue to buy fruits, veggies, and milk products there, but am open to traditional grocery stores for other items. We eat lots of veggie meals but also some chicken, fish, and occasional red meat.

DC Hotel Filter

Andrhia — Thu, 23 May 2013 11:19:34 -0800

Looking for a hotel in the Washington DC area. There are, of course, a lot of special snowflake requirements. So! We're taking our first family road trip down to DC at the end of June! We've already shown the kids National Treasure in preparation for all of the obligatory jokes about stealing the Declaration of Independence. But! We cannot find a hotel that meets all of our requirements. Help, help! Can you suggest one? We would like:

* Very close to a Metro stop, any Metro stop. (Well, maybe not a super seedy one? Or one that is a very long ride into the touristy museums and monuments district? Or on the red line, because construction.)
* The snowflaky bit: we would prefer a room with a king bed and a fold-out sofa, or two queen beds, rather than two double beds. We are territorial sprawlers.
* Maybe a pool that the kids can splash around in? Because swimming is fun! And it will help tired feet to feel better.
* We're kinda hoping to pay around $100 a night, maybe up to $140 if parking and internet are included.

So if you were us, MeFites, where would you stay?

How to not get upset if my partner sees my friends' news before me?

skippy_gal — Tue, 21 May 2013 17:29:38 -0800

A few times, my partner has seen news (on Facebook mostly) from friends such as my siblings and their partners, before I have. I get very upset when this happens. Is this irrational? Is there any good way to cope with it? I live overseas from my family and childhood friends and none of us call or email each other all that often, though I feel fairly up to date with what's happening in their lives. Facebook is a big part of this, though I'm no big fan of social networks. We live fairly close to my partner's family - they talk a lot on the phone and see each other a fair bit.

A while back, my partner told me (having read on Facebook) that my sister and her partner were planning a big overseas trip - which, by deduction, might include a visit to our part of the world. I was pretty upset to learn this from my partner. At the time, it felt that the delivery was at the same time glib, and also like a form of point scoring ('I know something you don't!'), though I doubt it was intended this way. I tried to explain why I was upset at hearing this secondhand, this came out as anger, and we ended up arguing about it.

On another occasion, I had seen, but not yet read, a lengthy post from a childhood friend who doesn't post very often. I was looking forward to reading it when I had a moment - but my partner told me happily what was in it. At this point, I asked that my partner please not tell me about any posts from my family and friends; I'd rather read them firsthand.

But this hasn't made me feel any better. There have been occasions when I've seen my partner has already commented on a friend's post. It makes me sad to feel I'm coming late to the party. Today my partner said a simple 'oh' when I relayed a significant item of news from my brother, having already (I later realised) seen the news on Facebook, and feeling unsure how to handle it. It makes me sad that me and my partner don't now share this news and discuss it - a situation I've created.

I think my partner thinks it's totally irrational of me to be upset by receiving news later, or secondhand. Perhaps it is?

Or perhaps my discontent is just a consequence of the tensions involved in sharing personal information in a semi-public arena? Do other people experience this too?

Would appreciate hearing about people's thoughts on this, any ideas for strategies or actions I should take - or how to just feel less sad about this.

Thanks

What are your family-style, urban living life hacks?

Quizicalcoatl — Mon, 20 May 2013 06:11:52 -0800

Mrs. Quizicalcoatl and I are finally moving to the Boston area with our 9- and 7-year old. What do we need to know? Here are some things that might impact what we need to know:

1) We've signed the lease on a small apartment in north Brookline, and we'll be moving in July/August.
2) We'll be within walking distance of the T and will be downsizing to 1 car, which Mrs. Quizicalcoatl will be using to commute to work.
3) The kiddos will be going to public school.
4) I'll be a full time dad for at least the first 6 months to 1 year and, although I may do some part time work after we're settled in, we're thinking that my main occupation will be that of a primary caregiver.
5) There's a laundry room down the hall in our building and a playground across the street.
6) Although we've been taking day trips to Boston for years, we're lifelong suburbanites/ruralites/small-towners.

So, how do we access the best parts of this lifestyle and location and how do we avoid the worst parts? What are the indispensable accoutrements, tips and tricks, and life hacks for the great, big city? If you live in an urban area, what item could you not live without? What pieces of information are you most glad to know? What practical shortcut keeps you safe, healthy, happy, etc.?

What to do when girlfriend and brother don't get along?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 May 2013 09:22:21 -0800

I'm having trouble getting everyone to get along. I've been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years, the latter half of which my brother has been living in the same city. My family is from a culture where families are close-knit, and spend a lot of time with each other; while my girlfriend isn't.

GF and I care a lot about each other, and see things moving towards marriage and family. Brother and I share a remarkable amount of empathy and have things in common; we're the same age and grew up together for 23 years.

GF has an anxiety issue where she can become abrasive under stressful conditions, and this has caused conflict between my brother and her, and between her and me. She sometimes gets offended easily too. My brother has been very supportive of my relationship, and has forgiven things where we both thought she was being a little unreasonable. She's not a bad person at all however, she just has some faults. So do I of course, and so does my brother, but to a lesser extent.

Because of the close relationship I have with my brother, and the type of family we have, the recent transition period that came along with GF and I moving together has been a bit bumpy. I'm having trouble trying to balance things and keep everyone getting along.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm having trouble moving from being "a part of a family" and making that my number 1 priority, to being "part of a couple" and making that my number 1 priority, or at least tied for 1 with my family. A lot of it might have to do with the different cultures. Some of it has to do with my GF. A little less of it has to my brother, and some with me.

I guess I lived in a dreamworld where everyone got along, and loved spending time with each other, and stuff like that. But it's gotten to a point where my brother doesn't want to hang out with the 3 of us because he's afraid that my GF will get annoyed at any little thing he didn't mean to be offensive. I also have trouble picking a side and trying to be objective, because I care about them both greatly.

I hate that it's like this and I don't know if my relationship with my GF is sustainable because I love my brother very much, and I wish I could mend things.

Has anyone been through anything like this? Any advice?

Finding a Missing Traveller

Ikazuchi — Wed, 15 May 2013 16:19:09 -0800

My brother left for Rome, Italy on Monday to do a summer job for a lab there and we (his friends and family) still haven't had any contact from him. I'm worried that something might have happened to him and his wife and kids are worried sick. Is there any good routes to trying to find him in case he's been in an accident? I don't have the name of the lab he's working for or I'd just call them :(

When should I present this recording to my niece?

Anonymous — Wed, 15 May 2013 14:43:29 -0800

A while back my sister left a message on my mom's answering machine, saying "Hi mom, we had a baby girl..." and then she goes on to describe the birth of her daughter and how cute she was, basically leaving an audio record of this wonderful occasion. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to save this recording. It is now twenty two years later. My niece graduates from college this weekend.

Nobody knows I have this.

I would like to present this to my niece and/or her parents at exactly the right point in their lives when it would be most appreciated. I've been saving this recording for twenty two years, not sure when to pull it out and play it, or to whom. I don't even know if it will be met with excitement or indifference. I'm hoping excitement.

Obviously, you don't know my sister or her daughter. But imagine you're 22, or you're a 46 year old parent. At what point in your life would something like this blow you away? Do I email it to my brother to play at her graduation party? (I won't be there) Should I wait until my niece has her own child, assuming she does? Should I give it to the DJ to play at her wedding, if and when she has one? Should I wait for my sister's 50th birthday and give it to her then?

For a number of reasons, even though this announcement is about her first grandchild, I have ruled out my mom as the person whose major life milestones I will use as a deciding factor. She will certainly hear it, I'm sure, though she might not quite get what it's about.

When would YOU want to be presented with something like this? What would be the right moment? Is there a life milestone I haven't thought of? HOW should I present it?

I've waited 22 years, I can wait a bit longer if I need to.

I want to take a family history. There may be a cultural barrier. Tips?

gemutlichkeit — Tue, 14 May 2013 11:20:24 -0800

I've always wanted to learn about my family's history. I have an aunt who is nearing 75 and according to my father, she knows the most about my family. I was thinking of interviewing her this summer. Some concerns I have:
I was born and raised in the US. I am a heritage speaker of Chinese, so I can probably manage some questions in Chinese, but there's also a fair chance that the level of discourse will be lower than I would like due to the fact that my vocabulary isn't as high as it could be. My aunt knows English, but it'd be the same situation, of course.

And, how can I get over the awkwardness? I'm not sure if this is a cultural thing, but my parents have always made it clear to me that they really don't like talking about their past. (Cultural revolution, communism-- I can understand that it may be difficult to talk about.) So doing a family history could make things awkward. How could I best broach the topic?

If you have tried to do something similar, I'd greatly appreciate your suggestions.

i am a terrible human being

seesom — Mon, 13 May 2013 10:01:08 -0800

Yesterday was mothers day. I sent her a card/flowers and called. I completely forgot about both of my grandmothers who are the most wonderful loving caring people. Argh, I feel terrible. what should i do? if you were them, what would you want? send a card and call? thanks.

Grandpa must be crazy pt. II

Che boludo! — Fri, 10 May 2013 14:25:00 -0800

My previous post from 2007 gets the sequel treatment. Here's the post.
Grandpa has dementia and has always been a relatively angry guy. Definitely high on the NPD scale. He's paranoid. He has been having petit mal seizures and even had one in front of my father and his doctor who then wanted to take his car keys away. Grandpa denies it ever happened and has been trying to strong arm my father into admitting the seizure never happened.

A few weeks ago he told my uncle something along the lines of my father dealing drugs and other illegal activities. There was even talk about hitmen. No one knows for sure but the hitman may have been hired by my father to kill grandpa or hired by gramps to kill my father.

Today he called my fathers lawyer to tell him about my fathers illegal activities, avoiding paying taxes, etc. He tried to cancel his life insurance so my father wouldn't get any of it even though the policy is for his wife.

He may be out driving, we don't know. We are unsure what he may be capable of.

My father already called his father's doctor at the VA and on a Friday afternoon he's having trouble reaching him.

What else can be done? Advice please.

Nice way to decline sister's baby shower?

epersonae — Wed, 08 May 2013 13:30:30 -0800

My sister with whom I have a strained relationship is having her baby shower on Sunday (yes, Mother's Day) for her baby due in July. I was not super-excited about going, and then my other sister called to say she's not going, and did I want to get together & do something. I do, but I don't know how to decline the invite from the other sister. I'm the oldest of three. My next younger sister (R, age 35) lives in the same town, but we don't see either other very often. She is expecting her first child in July. My youngest sister (A, 32) lives a couple of hours away with Mom. R does not speak to A because of stuff that happened when they were teenagers. I only enjoy R's company in small doses, and I don't really know her friends or her boyfriend's family. (Her mother-in-law strikes me as quite strange.)

I've been hemming & hawing about going to this shower, especially since I haven't made any gifts yet, but I had mostly resigned myself to it.

Then A called to say that she wasn't going, but that since Mom will be, maybe she'd come up and hang out with me for the afternoon. Which sounds significantly more enjoyable. I don't often get a chance to hang out with A, and I generally enjoy her company. Also, mr. epersonae will not be going; even if he doesn't make plans with his mom, he dislikes R.

How do I tell R that I'm not going? There's a pent-up rant in me that I'm really trying to keep under control; R is on disability for a variety of mental & physical health issues, she & her boyfriend live in a small apartment which is crowded with all of R's hoarding, I'm really annoyed that she can't get it together to forgive A now that we're all adults, having a shower this early (it seems early to me) on a day that maybe her friends want to spend with their own moms seems really inconsiderate, etc., etc. What can I possibly say that doesn't accidentally drop me into that rant?

...or should I just bite the bullet & go to my sister's baby shower?

My wife doesn't want kids but I do -- is change of her mind possible?

Anonymous — Sun, 05 May 2013 15:57:10 -0800

After 2 years of marriage my wife (age 33) still doesn't want to have children while I (age 35) desperately want ones. Before marriage we have discussed it and she said that she would like to wait "for about a year" before trying for a baby. I agreed. Now she is saying that she isn't ready yet, and won't be ready for another 2 years. I thought that we have an agreement, but I was mistaken. Is it at all possible that she will change her mind, or postponing children for more years is just a stalling tactic on her behalf? Being childless is getting unbearably painful to me. I started to avoid friends with children just to not to see happy parents. Every time I see father with child I want to cry. I told my wife all that but she is unmoved. I love my wife but I don't believe I will be able to be happy without family with children. I would wait another years but I am very afraid that she will never be ready and I will be and old, childless and bitter husband.

Having children will not interfere with her career (she is government employee), and might be even helpful as she wants to attend university on weekends but can't due to frequent business travels. Law here offers various protection for mothers of young children (amongst them prohibition of travels and involuntary overtimes). I will be definitely having my share of parenting and she knows it.

Help me help them to help themselves.

Kitteh — Thu, 02 May 2013 11:34:38 -0800

A barrage of bad news has come down the parental pike. I'm dealing fine but I think my parents--my mom, in particular--are in denial about their situation. Help me figure out the politest course of action to do something about it? I've mentioned my family before.

They did move to a new one level house because of my dad's Parkinson's. But this past week has seen my dad newly diagnosed with prostate cancer as well; in fact, we're waiting on test results to see if it has metastasized. Then my mom tells me she may be losing her job (she's only the source of income, aside from disability my dad draws). She has a new one lined up but it won't be for months.

*deep breath*

I come from a familly who has been shit forever at saving. My mom turns 60 next week, has no money to retire on, they tend to spend more money than save it, and they have done nothing about their wills, despite my pleading for her to be prepared if anything at all happens. I am going to visit next week because of her birthday and she is telling me all this stuff she wants to do that costs her money I know she shouldn't spend (clothes shopping, spa outings, wine, dinners out). I don't want/need her to do anything of those. And yes, I have said that to her. But it doesn't get through.

For the record, I have a younger sister who is awesome and supportive when my mom's role as a caregiver wears her down. But she too is a chronic spender.

I want to figure out to get them in shape or encourage to get them in shape for the worst that may or may not come. I want them to take their financial situation seriously, and by God, I want them to at least talk to a lawyer about their wills.

How do I this and not come off as pushy? I am just aggravated and concerned.

Pre-marriage counseling is fine. But how committed is he?

kinetic — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 05:25:32 -0800

It's been a few months after my fiance proposed and he made plans to move in with me and my 15-year-old son this summer. As predicted, my son began acting up, basically in the form of talking back and being a little rude to me in front of the fiance, who comes here every weekend. It's important to note my son does not act this way when it's the 2 of us and I completely understand what's going on and we're talking to someone. 3 weeks ago I had successful surgery. My fiance was here for a few weeks and was pretty helpful, but while he was here my son was less pleasant to me than usual. Both my fiance and I expected that he'd be anxious and act up, and he did.

Since the surgery, my fiance has expressed how deeply uncomfortable he now is with the idea of moving in with us (and getting married) because of how obnoxious my kid was.

I work with teens and it may sound like I'm in denial, but my kid wasn't really all that bad overall. Over the course of several weeks, the worst of it was: instead of doing chores immediately, he'd yell, "I will later!" and once he was playing X-Box Live with his friends and I was trying to nap but he was screaming into his headset and I told him to quiet down and he yelled (this is the first and only time he's ever done anything like this), "You're such a fucking bitch!" So I took away the headset and the X-Box.

In other words, it was a damned stressful time. But it appears to have given my fiance pause about moving in. So there's an element that actually, my fiance may not really get/want to live with a teenage boy.

Which would be enough, but...

Unfortunately and unexpectedly, my pathology reports diagnosed something more serious for which I am now undergoing treatment.

So I'm a little overwhelmed right now and I went to see a therapist who specializes in dealing with chronic (or sudden and serious) illness. One of the first things that came up was the question of how strong a support system I felt I had in place and I obviously thought about my fiance and his ability to help me and not get so freaked out about my kid acting up.

Cutting to the chase, I talked with my fiance about our recent stressful time, and asked him if, moving forward, I can count on him as a major support (for the next few months of treatment and y'know, forever).

He suggested family therapy before he moves in. I agree. Great idea.

So basically, I just ask this, "Are we beginning family therapy because we're both committed to our relationship and we're both in this for the long haul and love each other enough to know we're staying together? That this is a rough spot...we need some guidance...but we're going to get married?"

His response was yes he wants to work on this but no, can't promise staying together anymore because who knows what's going to happen? And the thing is...I kind of get it. I mean, I wish it was puppies and rainbows but I get that this was very stressful. I also get that this was very hard for all of us and that maybe he saw a living situation he didn't like. I also get that we're getting help for it.

But I also think...until several days ago, we were going to spend our lives together. Now I have an unfortunately illness and a few months of unpleasant treatment. Now there's a (somewhat anticipated) glitch within the family dynamic. We're working on the glitch together and I had assumed we were staying together.

So my question (and I'm reaching out for help here because I'm pretty messed up with my diagnosis and my medication and everyone here has always helped) is: what the hell, AskMeFi?

Is it worth getting family counseling if I sense he's got a foot out the door? Does he have a foot out the door? What am I not getting here (and I ask in all seriousness because I'm exhausted and I cannot for the life of me get my head around this right now).

Towns to use as a home base in Scotland?

asnowballschance — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 09:56:18 -0800

My family will be spending 10 days road tripping through Scotland in May. There will be four adults (myself, my husband, and my retired parents), and one 18 month old toddler. What towns will work best as bases for exploring surrounding areas? We'd like to see a bit of everything (castles, highlands, whiskey distilleries, etc). I put together a very ambitious itinerary that has us sleeping in a new town every night. Yikes yikes yikes.

We'd much rather be able to spend a few nights in the same place. We'd like to see Edinburgh, the Highlands, the Isle of Syke, and the Glencoe area. We'd planned on spending our last two nights at a resort on the Isle of Arran, but we're flexible if someone has a better idea (seriously? a resort? someone has *got* to have a better idea).

Will Inverness make an OK base for all of the highlands and the Isle of Skye? Or is it too far away from some points? Is there a smaller or more central town that would be better? Should we consider splitting up that part of the trip? Fort William seems to be very central as well, but everyone I've spoken with has been "meh" about the food and surrounding area. Does it make an OK base, while we explore other areas? Do you have suggestions for B&Bs in those areas?

We are SO excited about this trip, but I'd really like to find a way to slow the pace down a little bit.

Tag along questions: What are your favorite parks and picnic spots? Outdoor markets? Tourist-y type things that won't require my toddler being quiet for longer than a few minutes at a time?

Is it dangerous/reckless for a young woman to take a taxi at 5 AM?

instantfail — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 20:12:27 -0800

Is it dangerous/reckless for a young woman to take a taxi at 5 AM? I'm 21, female. Up until I was a teenager, I was my (Asian) parents' only child, and they have always been very protective of me. We live in different states.

I recently learned I would be traveling for work. I booked a flight for 7 AM, and since I live about an hour away from the airport, I figured I would just get a taxi to come pick me up at my apartment at 5 AM the day of.

When I casually mentioned this to my parents over the phone, they went ballistic. They are extremely upset and insist that it would be not only dangerous but highly reckless for me to take a taxi by myself at 5 in the morning. That I would run a high risk of being robbed, abducted, and/or raped by the driver. They are bewildered that I do not see the danger in this (I mean, I do watch out for myself, but I don't see it as a particularly precarious situation to put myself in), and hung up on me because they were so upset.

From an objective point of view, who is right here?

(If it matters at all, the airport is Dulles international, near Washington DC.)

Explaining "you're not welcome" to family?

msladygrey — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 07:22:24 -0800

How do you explain to your mother-in-law that you don't want some of her family around? Trigger Warning: abuse. A few years ago I found out there was incest occurring for over several years in my husband's sibling's family. After bringing my concerns about it to my husband's sibling, I was told that it was being addressed. "Being addressed" meant the sibling and sibling's spouse ostracizing their older child who was responsible and supposedly getting therapy for their younger child who was the victim. Only one other family member of my husband knows about this, I only told her because I had concerns for her child and wanted to run my conversation by her before confronting the sibling. The rest of the family doesn't know about it for fear of upsetting my mother-in-law.

Because this skeleton is being hidden in the closet, there are a lot of questions left unanswered: which child initiated it, were other children in sibling's family affected, were other nieces and nephews affected, are both the initiator and the victim getting help, what's being done to make sure this doesn't happen again, etc.

I'm bothered by this because: a) I have history of abuse in my childhood and this type of secret-keeping didn't help any. b) I have a young child, and I don't want sibling's kids near my child. c) I don't want to support any family branch that wants to sweep something like this under the rug. It's not acceptable to me. Yes, my husband thinks its not acceptable as well.

Here's the rub: Husband and I recently bought a house, and although we live several hours away, there has been some expectation that we will host a family event soon. I'm steadfast in not inviting sibling's family into our home, and we don't accept invitations to theirs. How do we express why sibling's family is personae non gratae if the sibling doesn't want to tell mother-in-law what happened when mother-in-law asks us why we aren't hosting events?

SF Bay to Tampa Bay

gnutron — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 09:52:42 -0800

We live in the San Francisco Bay area and we are considering moving to the Tampa Bay area. Where in Tampa/St. Pete would we not hate living? Me, my wife and our toddler live in the SF East Bay. We love it here. The scenic beauty. The convenience to just about everything imaginable.

But we are very far from our families on the east coast - hers outside Tampa, mine in the Northeast. We are considering heading back to the Tampa area to live closer to both our families and raise our kid somewhere less expensive and less insanely competitive.

We travel back to Tampa frequently and both spent some time growing up there, so we know the general vibe of the area. We know nothing about the various neighborhoods across Tampa and St. Pete, though.

Are there neighborhoods with good schools that have proximity to retail options and walkable areas that are not chain restaurants, big box stores and malls? We expect a very different life in Florida than we'd have in Cali, but we are not ready for complete suburbia. (ie. We don't want to live in Brandon)

Where are the best places in LA to live with a family?

Anonymous — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 08:29:22 -0800

You're considering a move to Los Angeles for a job in Irvine. You and your (stay-at-home) wife are both in your early 30s, and have two young (under two years old) children. You were raised in the midwest, and prefer the suburbs. You want to live in an area that has lots of other young families and easy access to eating and shopping and preschools and other things like that. You don't want to spend more than 30 minutes or so commuting. You want to spend about $3,000 per month on rent for a 3+ bedroom single-family-home (or condo, you suppose). What areas of Los Angeles do you focus on?

Name/domain for private photo network for parents.

signal — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 18:39:54 -0800

Please help me pick a name and domain for our website/app. We're a private network for parents to upload, backup and share their kids' pictures. Strong privacy and backup should be the main differentiators over the competition.

Initial market is Latin America, but looking to expand to English speaking countries and rest of the world quickly, so it should work in English (and not be too weird in Spanish). We'd prefer a .com, but other TLDs might work as well.

How to have a healthy relationship with my anxious parents.

Anonymous — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 13:03:48 -0800

How to have a healthy relationship with my anxious parents. My parents loved and took good care of me. They supported every dream and person I wanted to be, and always made me feel smart, loved and wanted. Beyond their mutual love for me, our household was anxious. My parents fought constantly. Both were and are anxious and depressed and the type who won't seek help. The houses I grew up in (military family, moved a lot) were smoky, jangly, loud, jarring, tense and full of passive-aggression that eventually bubbled into screaming matches (never at me -- only at each other or my sister, who is much older and still lives at home).

I left home for college halfway across the country when I was 18, and never lived at home again (I'm now mid-30s). Since then, I've married and made a life for myself in my college town, and have learned how to normalize communication and family structure. My house is peaceful, quiet and clean, and my husband and I have learned to communicate effectively without the screaming/passive-aggression I grew up with. We don't have children.

I have severe anxiety and depression that is mostly controlled because I have a routine here (including therapy and medication) that keeps me in check. When I visited my parents in the past, I left each visit feeling completely screwed-up, asthmatic (my asthma is bad these days and exacerbated by their chain-smoking and animal fur) and shaken. This has always been confusing to me as my parents are terrific parents to me specifically, but live in a depressing, dirty, anxious place. I've tried to help by being cheerful, cleaning when I'm there and trying to be a calm, normalizing force, but I realize I can't get them to be happier or less anxious.

My parents are ostensibly well-off, but due to fights about finances, they keep separate finances. My sister, my mother's child, has endless legal battles with her substance abuse and has drained my mother's finances dry. My dad has long-since given up trying to support my moochy sister. My sister and mother have both asked me for money over the past few years (even though my parents make more money than my husband and I do), which I eventually started saying no to because I didn't want to fund my sister's manipulations.

I haven't visited home in five years, though my parents have visited here once or twice. Part of this is an extreme airplane phobia, but I used to drive there (they're a 2-day or so drive by car) and now I haven't even done that. They are getting older (mid-70s) and while in good health, will likely not remain like that forever.

I can't figure out what kind of relationship to have with them. Right now, we have awkward weekly phone calls. I've shut off my life to them completely and only chat about inconsequential things. I never talk to them about any accomplishment or disappointment and don't want to. My mother guilts me for this and claims that I love my husband's family more than I love them, that I will regret not spending time with them since they're getting older and generally gives me a lot of grief for not being her best friend (which is what she wants). I get it. I do. But it doesn't make me want a relationship with her.

I have nothing in common with my parents any more and get no comfort from them and seem to be unable to live up to the comfort they want from me. They are not the type who will just let our relationship be quietly, distantly adult -- me living my life, and they theirs.

I am conflicted since they were so loving to me and supportive over the years. But just thinking about talking to them or seeing them makes me clench inside. I'm slowly working on this in therapy and my therapist encourages me to try to let go of my guilt and set my boundaries, but I feel enormously, enormously guilty for not visiting or not wanting anything to do with two people who obviously feel like they need me, and who I loved so much as a child and teenager. I feel selfish.

Any advice? Do you have similar family woes? I'm looking for coping mechanisms on how to have a healthy relationship here.

What happens when the family tree goes straight down?

powerbumpkin — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 12:28:23 -0800

Is there any discussion available of the social/behavior results of having multiple generations of only children in a family? Know of any sources? Have any personal experiences? Are there whole families made up of of "only children"?

Is there any discussion available of the social/behavior results of having multiple generations of only children in a family? I'm interested in only children both as a result of lagging birthrates in high income developed nations, and also as a result of government policies like in Asia.

I know there is a lot written about the social/behavioral/emotional consequences for the children (all the research on whether only children adhere to negative stereotypes etc.). And also there is a lot written about intergenerational financial burden, e.g. the famous 4-2-1 problem.

But what about the social/behavioral/emotional consequences for multiple generations and (lacking) extended families? As one's parents age, as life events happen, having a teeny tiny family must be very difficult. Know of any sources?

And in the absence of those, does anyone have any experiences to share? Thanks in advance.

Moving Out Update: Making it work in Seattle & recovering from therapy

independence under the radar — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 00:28:50 -0800

Hello Mefites, I am in the process of moving away from my abusive family (Previously: here and here). I've had a rough week, with my dad escalating his anger despite no provocation from me, which helped me make a lot of progress on moving out my things (discreetly) but I had a therapy session yesterday and I feel like my therapist has been screwing with my need to protect myself and get out. I was wondering what you think about it and for any tips on finding work in Seattle, because I don't consider moving back home a possibility should I be unable to find a job. Even if you're not from Seattle, any help is appreciated! I'd like to thank you all once again for all your help, I can't say how much it means to me. I got this sock puppet to decrease the chance of anyone in my family knowing where I'm moving to, should they have read any of my previous questions and found out what those usernames are.

I've been making progress towards getting out, although it has taken me a while because I have to be discreet, and my family watches every move I make. (There's been a lot of moving things out in a hurry before everyone wakes up, etc.) I had decided to move to Seattle, and I can't wait for my new life. Although, as the time comes to leave, I'm afraid of being unable to find a job.

I saw that the most recent unemployment rate for Washington State is 7.5%, so I'm hoping I should be able to find something, although I've heard that it is harder to find temp or minimum wage jobs in Seattle. Seattleites, is this the case? I have a BFA degree in Painting, and the only jobs I've been able to find so far have been non-art related, in retail and accounting. I temped in accounting and was able to save some money, but I'm thinking, realistically, that those are the types of jobs that I'll be able to get. How are temp jobs/retail/service jobs in Seattle? Are they hard to come by? I would love to live in Seattle, as its been a dream of mine for a while, but do you think this is a good choice for me? If I run out of my savings, I don't know what I would do, because I don't consider moving back home an option. Do you think I could make it work? Are there any temp agencies you would recommend?

I saw my therapist yesterday, and she's been of the opinion that I should keep in touch with my parents after I move, in case I do run out of money. She has also said that she thinks they're not the worst parents and have done some great things for me. I disagree with her, but I continued seeing her, because I thought perhaps it would help to have a "devil's advocate" type thing, but instead I feel as if she has been chipping away at my need to protect myself and call a spade, a spade. She never referred to what my family has done as abuse because she says that it's a loaded term that sets me up to be a defenseless victim, and yesterday when I was telling her how my parents want to see her (separately from me) and explain their side of things, she said to tell them that she sticks up for them. It made me feel that she takes their side, and now I'm worried that if my parents do come see her, she may tell them where I'm going. Was that an appropriate thing for her to say, because of the confidentiality that is supposed to be there? To be clear, I've never told my parents where exactly I go for therapy, but they do know that I go to a therapist. She's never said that I must get out, as she doesn't think I'm in real danger, but something about that bothers me. My dad went berserk on Monday in a yelling rage towards me, saying it was my fault that the family member who molested me was never put in jail, and even my mom stood up for me, which doesn't usually happen. He wrote an apology the next day, and my therapist said it was extraordinary of him because it was sincere and that I should tell him I appreciate it. But I viewed his apology as part of the abusive cycle, where the abuser is sorry and apologizes until the next time they get angry. Something about my therapist's approach isn't working for me and leaves me feeling that she is actually on my family's side, and I feel like I can't completely trust her anymore or agree with her approach. I don't think she's necessarily a bad therapist, but I'm feeling like her approach isn't working for me. What do you think of the situation?

So, I'm left feeling exhausted, and overwhelmed, because I'm planning on moving out by the end of next week and feel confused with so many things going on. I was originally planning on just asking about the job situation, but my dad's outburst and my therapist's response to that has left me confused and hurt. To sum up:

1. Do you think the job situation in Seattle looks good for someone in my position? Is there a certain dollar amount you would recommend that I have in total savings before I leave, to support myself until I find a job?
2. Are there any temp agencies or other places of employment in Seattle that you would recommend I check out? Any other tips for job hunting in Seattle?
3. Do you think I should stay in touch with my family, either for its own sake or for the sake of having a place to go to if I am unable to make it on my own? I am scared of being unable to find a job, but I don't want to move back with my family or be in touch, to be honest, although I may miss my mom.
4. Am I overreacting about my therapist?

If anyone may have any advice, I can't say how much it would help me. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks so much.

Help finding a (possible) half-sister in Chad, Africa?

bjharl — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 14:25:06 -0800

My wife's father (Caucasian American) spent five years teaching in Chad, Africa in the late 60's and early 70's. A few years ago he told my wife that while he was there he had a relationship with a woman and that after he left the village where he was living he heard that she had a child who "looked like him." My wife and I are thinking about traveling to Chad to see where her father lived and to possibly try and find this woman who would now be in her 40's. We have some limited information from him (names places etc.) Finding information about Chadian culture has been difficult and we want to be sure that there would be no negative consequences for this woman and her family if we went and tried to find her. We want to be as low-key as possible but it looks like most of the westerners who travel to this part of Africa use guides or tourist companies. We speak a little french but not much. Any info would be so much appreciated!

Need advice - Taking care of my mother.

j1sh — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 21:41:00 -0800

What should I do about my mother? I don't get along with her or like her, nor can I afford to have her live with me. Yet she has nowhere to go. I'm in Canada. What are my options? My mom is 63 and still able to work. She has a hard time finding jobs - she's been a live-in caregiver/nanny for a few years now. Most people don't want to hire someone at this age.

She's made terrible decisions all of her life and squandered money that she's mooched off of every family member possible. As soon as I started working she depended on me for paying maintainance fees at our old apartment which she still destroyed via neglect. I moved out ASAP. She is following me around my whole life and she moves in whenever she's between jobs. I can't stand it, she is strange and has strange habits and all of my landlords have hated her (I rent a basement at the moment). My current place isn't meant for two people, either. I can only afford to take care of myself at the moment. I wouldn't mind having her live in the basement if I owned a house but until then, no!!! I am almost certain she will get me kicked out of my current rental arrangement and destroy my life.

So I don't like her, but she's my mother and I can't just leave her on the street. She refuses to accept Ontario Works or any other service. What is a moral way out of this that doesn't destroy either of our lives?

Thanks for any help - I've run out of ideas here!