Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with family

Plan for post-partum family visits?

Anonymous — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 07:32:11 -0800

What's a good plan for post-partum family visits? Our first baby is due in early November. We feel prepared and are comfortable in infant care (both IRL and in the numerous books we've read). We have flexible schedules and generous parental leave time. We also have a large helpful circle of friends.

Our families want to visit from out-of-town when baby is born and perhaps even be present for the birth. This could be 4-9 adults at once.

First concern: there are particular family members who are very anxious and their anxiety/presence triggers my anxiety.

Second concern: we have a pull-out couch in the living room and a futon in the office/baby room but only 1 bathroom. Plus, hotels? Rental cars? Airport pick ups? We're gonna be the ones organizing all this. And we don't really have seating for more than 6 at a time.

Questions:

First, do we really need "Help" like people say we do? (We have in-house laundry and dishwasher, 3 grocery stores, 2 pharmacies, and dozens of take-out places within a 8 minute walk. And we've stocked up on baby stuff and frozen food to the gills.) Will I regret not having 4-9 "Helpers"?

And second, how do we tell them that we don't want them/need them around for the birth? (Some are going to be pissed.)

Third, then how can we properly schedule visits to satisfy their need to see the baby "early" and have them also be useful?

Fourth, is it easier to stagger guests or have them all at once and rip the band-aid off?

Fifth, how long is enough? 1 week? 4 days? They probably want to come for weeks.

One thought: Thanksgiving, when baby is 2-4 weeks old. Another thought: just suck it up and let them come and tolerate it when they are here.

Any suggestions are welcome!

iPhone and family plan

jjcurtis — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 08:48:48 -0800

Can two iphones owners be on family plan from AT&T if one phone is an original iphone and another is a 3g iphone? Family member with original iphone doesn't want to upgrade, and likes the free SMS and lower monthly rate. If another family member buys a 3g phone with higher rates must they be on the same (higher) monthly rate plan to be considered a family plan? What is the best (least expensive) way for both family members to have two phones - one an first generation phone and one a 3g phone?

How much interest for a family loan?

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 21:32:51 -0800

A family member loaned me money a few years ago. I would like to pay it back with interest. How much interest should I pay it back with? A few years ago, I had some financial troubles and I was too proud to ask for money. A family member recognized the difficulty I was in and wrote me a large cheque for a few thousand dollars. She told me to take it with no strings attached and just to pay it back whenever I could. She has been gracious about this and has never mentioned it since. It has taken me a few years to get back on my feet and I have been slowly saving up over the years to try and pay this amount back.

However, I would like to pay this back at its "real" value as the loan has been for a few years now and I feel it is only fair to add some interest to it. At the very least, I figure I should add some to it due to inflation and the fact that if the money had otherwise been invested, it could have grown a little bit.

Assuming the loan was for $2500, what would be a reasonable rate / amount to repay?

How to make a family reunion fun!

ReneeOg — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 20:11:03 -0800

Any suggestions for games/activities for an all adult family reunion? There will be 30 ish people from my husband's family at a weekend family reunion in Manistee, Michigan at the end of July. We're looking for games/activities for three generations, ages 20-82, to prevent us all from sitting around and around talking to our own nuclear families. In the past when we've got together for a 1/2 day reunion for a quick lunch every couple years, it's been rather awkward. The oldest generation are close. The second were close as kids, but not since. The third generation are pretty much strangers. Help!

One more slightly dysfunctional family.

Anonymous — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 05:12:25 -0800

Help me help the addicts (and possibly the enablers) in my family. Today my mom called me with some bad news, in a year filled with bad news. My 22-year-old brother is home from college (where he has a football scholarship and is about to begin his senior year) because he's addicted to oxycontin. I was somewhat surprised, but I knew he was a daily pot smoker, and he had called me and my older brother in January because he was worried he was doing to much coke. Back in January my brother and I found him a counselor, and I tried to call him every once in a while to see if he was using. Unfortunately all three of us live in different states and don't have the ability to see each other very often, phone calls are as good as it gets.

The situation, of course, is more complicated than that. My dad struggled for four to five years with a vicodin addiction culminating with him giving himself a seizure. A month after my mom's mom had died. My mom told the doctor about his on and off addiction and the doctor dismissed it. They searched for other causes and my father wouldn't admit what caused it. About a month later my mom found some emails and my dad admitted to using, they separated for about two or three months, my dad promised to get clean, he did get clean, they got back together, and now they seem to be doing well. Although nobody really knows when my dad is using, except maybe me, and I live in a different state. Plus he has admitted in the past that had I confronted him, he would have denied it. My best guess is he's clean right now, and I've never before seen him act like he wants to be clean, so he gets the benefit of the doubt right now. My mom always claims she can't tell when someone is using and she knows how easy it is to hide from her. To make matters worse, they've given my little brother pretty much unlimited supply to their bank account since he began college.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I want to help my brother but I don't know how, and I don't want to naively assume he even wants help. I'm afraid that my mom is an enabler, but I don't know how to broach that subject or get her to get her own therapy. Because I live far away, I'm always included on the periphery of these life events (my mom calls and says things like "i'm not sure I should even tell you" but then calls for emotional support a couple of times a week).

On top of that I have had my share of addiction issues, but I got kicked out, moved far away from my parents and figured out how to clean up my act and be an adult. Even they are surprised at how far I've come.

My parents are thinking one or both of them should move back to his college town with him so he can finish playing football. And they seem adverse to sending him to rehab, they want to get him clean themselves. Thank you for reading this long post. Any advice, personal experience, or general insight would be so greatly appreciated. I tried to give a bit too much info so if you see some other patterns forming here you could point those out for me. One last thing, I'm a 24 year old female and yes, I am in therapy.

I love my new sister in law!

hollygoheavy — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 18:49:44 -0800

My brother is getting married (YAY!) Now what to give to my sister in law? My brother is marrying a fantastic girl and we couldn't be more excited. She's Japanese and they're having a civil ceremony at the courthouse in her city in September, followed by a western style wedding in Hawaii next year. Since none of my family can attend, I'd like to send something to Asami to say "welcome to the family-I'm so glad you're marrying my brother". Is there something traditionally given in Japan to a sister or daughter in law to welcome a new woman to the family? I'll be sending a box to my brother and he'll be taking things with him when he goes next month.

I love you, but I hate your style.

hwyengr — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 09:32:13 -0800

I'm 28 and still being dressed by my mother. Every birthday and Christmas, she buys me more clothes. But they're awful, hideous things. How do I get her to stop? I love my mom a lot, but she thinks I'm still 12. Sure, it's the thought that counts. However, shouldn't I be able to get some joy from my holiday gifts? And it's not like it's one thing, she's probably spending $100 on things I'll wear once to be polite (if that), then let fester in my closet before going to Goodwill. To top it off, I've lost 40 lbs since college, but she thinks I'm still 2 sizes larger, despite my repeated efforts to correct her.

My sister (32) suffers the same fate. It's an ongoing joke about our regular trips to donate our "Mom Clothes". We've both made slight hints that we would prefer gift cards so that we could pick out our own clothing, but she insists she knows better than we do.

Of course, giving gifts brings her joy. But, I feel bad that she's wasting her money. Am I just ungrateful?

How to relate to my parents during their divorce?

salvia — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 08:35:26 -0800

My parents are getting a divorce. How do I support them? How do I relate to them without it being terribly weird on me? How do I stop worrying about them so much? I'm 30 and live on the opposite coast. They've been "working on things" for a couple years. Neither was that satisfied, but my mom was more willing to do something about it, and she made the final decision against his will. I can completely understand her decision. My dad moved into his own apartment in early June. She feels relieved, mostly. He feels rejected and mad. He is also being something of a martyr (reminding us to call her, "letting her have the church"). I'd rather he just get on to being selfish and hurt and mad, but I guess everything has its season.

My first question is fairly simple -- imagine you're 58 and ending a 38 year marriage. What support could a daughter who lives across the country provide? Emotional support? Magazine subscriptions?

My second question is longer. Feel free to skip it if you want. How do I relate to them? I call them, but I don't exactly know what to talk about. Mainly, I ask how things are and listen. But with my dad, I also remind him we can help and give unrequested advice, like "I heard the two most important ways to avoid depression are exercise and socializing." The entire conversation has this subtext: "are you going to be okay? I want you to be okay." I don't want to turn into the nagging, caretaking oldest daughter. I want to be cool and give him space to feel whatever he's feeling without having to reassure me.

Talking to them sends me into a funk afterwards. I keep thinking about what they're going through and imagining them upset and in pain, my dad especially. I try to remind myself I really can't know what it's like, and that me making myself depressed doesn't help anyone. How do parents deal with watching their kids go through pain? I suppose my own sadness must be tied up in there, but if they were fine, I think I'd be 80% happy with it, too.

Then, there are the details, like have they spoken? I don't ask for them, but I don't discourage them. I have this perverse desire to know how bad it is really, to make it real for myself. They don't give that many, so it seems okay. But then I hear the details from both sides. My dad told me he sent my mom an email about logistics. She said she "got an email that said her haircut is matronly and she should wear her hair like she did back when she was in her twenties." WTF? It's a bewildering statement, but if you think about it for a minute or two, it's also really sad in several ways. So, maybe I should say I don't want to know any details, but then do we just talk about the weather? "I hear your house just burned to the ground. So, hey, can you see any birds from there?"

Plus, I feel like I have more experience with breakups than either of them do. They got married when they were 20. I know my several one- to four-year relationships are not directly comparable, but I still want to send Jon Cusack to watch over them. Since I can't, I watch the details I get like a doctor watching for early signs of breakup infection. Then I remind myself, who am I to say what's best, and didn't I survive doing stupid post-breakup stuff, and what would I do anyway?

Can anyone advise me about how to think about this and how to relate to them? I'll be seeing my dad, along with my brothers, for a week in mid-July. Sorry this is so long, and thanks for your help.

Downtown Minneapolis bar/restaurant for a small get together with my adult family - Post wedding proposal

Anonymous — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 08:24:22 -0800

Downtown Minneapolis bar/restaurant for a small get together with my adult family - Post wedding proposal Specifically a relaxed environment where 10 adults can get drinks on a Friday or Saturday night. If needed, I could reserve a room or area for the group, but this is not necessary. I would like it to be fairly quiet, but if a band is playing or the bar is busy, that is alright as long as we have a semi private area that we can talk in comfortably.

Cost is an important factor, I will likely be paying for the nights bill, and if any reservation fees are needed. If we can get a few plates of appetizers, that would also be a plus.

I would prefer to stay in the Nicollet Mall/Block E area if possible, but would be willing to travel if the option is exceptional. The purpose of this event is for our family to celebrate together after I propose earlier in the evening to my girlfriend.

I want us to get along

Anonymous — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 23:39:34 -0800

I want to have a normal sibling relationship with my youngest sister. How can I begin to do this? I am the oldest sibling in my family and a male child to boot. I have two younger sisters, one who is about a year younger and one who is four years younger.

The middle sister and I get along great. We meet up every weekend and talk about things. It's nice.

My youngest sister is a different story. She and I never got along in the past. She always felt like I got preferential treatment from our parents, and has never let that go. She's a party girl, I'm a homebody. We used to fight physically as kids, and in more passive aggressive ways now that we are adults.

About 10 years ago, I tried to bury the hatchet with my youngest sis. I tried to be more understanding of her. I tried to reach out and talk to her more. She didn't totally rebuff me, but I could tell the interest was not there as much as it was for me.

And so it has gone on since then. We're in a sort of detente. It's just that I'm not happy with this. I love my sister and am proud of her. She's done well for herself and I want her to be part of my life. We haven't talked directly or by e-mail since 2006. I get updates on her from mom and I assume she does the same.

I want to build a relationship with my youngest sis, but have no idea where to begin. It's hard to know how to undo a lifetime of damage.

Any hints from the hive mind? Any questions or private suggestions can be directed to anxiousbrother@gmail.com

I can't name my kid after you?

Anonymous — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 09:03:27 -0800

My cousin is changing her first name, but if I had a girl I always wanted to name her my cousin's old name...how do I broach this? I'm happy for her choosing a new name, but I'm wondering is her old name off the table for my own (not yet conceived) child? She's named after my Great Aunt, who I adored. It's a family name, and when I met my husband I said if we have girl, her name must be "X". My cousin and I are close, but 20 years apart. I don't know how to say I love her name and would want to name my own child that. My husband and I are going start trying in the next few months, so while I don't know what the sex of the baby will be...I'm still worried about what to say to my cousin. We don't want to know the sex ahead of time.

Where-ever Shall We Go?

mmahaffie — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 07:59:22 -0800

What's cool to see/visit in western Pennsylvania? I'm considering organizing a family trip into central and western Pennsylvania. There's a family function (my lovely wife's family) near Johnstown and I have always wanted to visit Mahaffey, PA (founded, I think, by an ancestor). So I wonder of there are a few places out that way worth taking my teen and tween daughters to see.

Is it my responsibility to help my friend make peace with his family?

cyanide — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 22:32:06 -0800

This question is about my best friend, who seems to get into trouble with his family regularly. Is it my responsibility to help him out? Or should he sort it out on his own? As said above, this question is about my best friend who seems to get into problems with his family almost every month. He still stays with his family, studying and helping his dad out with the family business. Seen from the outside (my POV), his family is lovely and I'm really happy for him when they're all happy. The only problem they seem to have with him is his girlfriend. She's sweet but very possessive too. And they think she's going to get him into trouble someday. They don't like him being with her at all. For whatever it's worth, I think it's about them being insecure and not wanting to let go of their kid; as far as I can see, the girl won't do anything to get anyone in trouble.

So anyways, they had a fight this morning and he's been 'grounded'. He doesn't get grounded often, but when he does, all his modes of communication with the outside world are locked down or taken away. I'm the only friend who has a very-good rapport with his family too, and I don't know if it's my responsibility to do something about it. They trust me and would listen to me if I told them to do something. So, hive mind, help me out! Should I talk to his family or should I let them sort this matter out? If I should talk to them, offer me suggestions on what I should tell them. A few do's and dont's would rock!

A bit of relevant info: I've done this once before, a few years ago (nothing to do with the girl then). And back then, it helped them out immensely. They don't seem to be very good at telling him that they love him, and vice-versa.

Thanks for reading! :)

Dealing with the loss of a child

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 16:22:30 -0800

Do you have any advice for helping a family deal with the death of an infant, with the added fuck you from god that the mother can't have another child? Nothing is certain yet, but I would like to be prepared in case as I have never experienced anything remotely as tragic. I know there are no magic words, but if you have any experience or words of advice that could help I would be very appreciative. If you have faith, please pray that I will not have to put this advice to use.

Thank you.

It's not real, dammit.

Skyanth — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 05:19:54 -0800

How do you deal with friends or family sending you (and everyone else in their address book) fake virus warnings and other hoaxes? Do you tell them to do a &$(#^% simple online search before they send the thing on to everyone they know or is it better to ignore them?

And if you do tell them, do you send the mail back to everyone who was on the list (even the people you don't know), hoping that you might catch another one who was going to make the same mistake (but using the same deplorable mechanism)?

If I send to all I feel like a pedant. If I ignore it I feel like I didn't take the chance to at least stop this branch of the hoax in its tracks (and I do believe that the internet would be a better place if everyone did this because then it wouldn't become a hoax in the first place). And I've tried educating them on the nature of hoaxes, but somehow they seem to lack the "this must be fake" alarm bells that some of us were born with so that doesn't seem to have any effect.

What do you do?

What a warm, loving family...

Solomon — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 02:02:53 -0800

I'm looking for some films/TV shows that revolve around the concept of family, especially the "created family". I loved Buffy. I loved Angel. I really really loved Firefly. I also quite liked Six Feet Under. Fraiser was kind of interesting. But I hated the Soprano's.

What films or TV shows might I like, where the central theme is a group of disparate strangers being lumped together to form a cohesive unit - a "family"?

The outside details (being in a spaceship/fighting monsters/whatever) aren't vitally important. If the shows are available to rent on DVD (in the UK, though I figure that shouldn't be too much of an issue), that would be great too.

What to send to a person who has everything (within walking distance)

LittleMissCranky — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 19:36:20 -0800

Manhattan care package? My brother (single, late 20s) just moved to Manhattan a couple of weeks ago. I want to send him a care package. Anyone have any good ideas of what should go in it? I'll be sending baked goods, but any other ideas would be appreciated.

Family Fun In Montreal?

briank — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 08:43:25 -0800

We're thinking about driving up to Montreal for a 4-day weekend next week -- 2 adults and a 7-year-old girl. There hasn't been a "what to see and do" post about Montreal here since 2005, so tell me what's to see and do these days with a focus on family fun. As I said, we're driving (from Boston), so things to do in les environs are okay, too.

Working with my father is killing me. What can I do?

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 10:27:29 -0800

Working with my father is a nightmare. Should I quit? How do I deal with the repercussions? Potentially related information: I'm 23, female, atypical depression since I was 13-ish and it is mostly controlled with medication. I live in a great home with my fiance and I think I'm ruining our relationship with my job misery. My mother is depressed and no one acknowledges it; she has a long-standing history of not caring about my relationship with my father. My father is 64 and everyone who knows him loves him. He does not believe in counseling and does not believe that mood disorders exist.

My father and I have never really gotten along (wasn't around much when I was a kid, refused to let me get mental health treatment when I was a minor, threw money at me and called it parenting). We both have thin skin, and we're both really stubborn. He's a yeller, and since his hearing is really bad, I have to be a yeller. To make a long, mostly unrelated story short, I moved back to my home state last year and he offered me a job. I started working for him about four months ago. I'm thinking accepting was a huge mistake.

The job consists of menial duties like answering a phone, writing up some documents, doing some minor marketing work and being my father's metaphorical punching bag. We're a staff of two (we're a satellite office for a nationwide company) in an incredibly small office. One of my biggest problems right now is that my father is incapable of treating me like an employee - he treats me like I'm still living in his house (I'm not). He yells at me for things that are really obviously not my fault and says really hurtful things when he's angry.

For example, today one of our 15-year-old phones broke and I was treated as though it was my fault. First, he demanded that I fix it, and I tried to calmly explain that I have no idea how to fix a multi-line phone system. I offered to read the manual and try to find some troubleshooting information. I came up with nothing helpful and offered to call the phone company. This resulted in more yelling and me being called "a mental defective." I pulled out my memorized speech for these situations and said, "I don't appreciate being spoken to like that. You wouldn't yell at a random employee like that. When I am here, I am your employee, not your daughter" as calmly as I possibly could. As usual, this resulted in, "You're an employee? Yeah, well, you're incompetent." I think I'm making this out to be more than it is or I'm overreacting or something -- my father isn't an ogre or anything, he just doesn't acknowledge any feelings whatsoever and since he never thinks he's doing anything wrong, he never apologizes when he hurts someone. Like I said, I have thin skin, and I've never had a job that didn't make me cry at least once.

Situations this intense usually pop up once a week, with scattered, minor misdirected yelling pretty much every day. I know I'm not a perfect employee. In fact, one of the major reasons why I took the job in the first place is because I am depressed and I feel like I am totally unemployable as a result (I was laid off from a previous job and it appeared to me that they thought I was incompetent but didn't want to hurt my feelings). I have no "marketable" skills - I have experience as a secretary and a BFA in writing/literature. I get distracted a lot and I never go "above and beyond" what's written in my job description, though I do get all vital work done in a timely manner. I'm trying my hardest to not screw this job up. My father constantly brags to his colleagues that I was the only sucker willing to take this job for such a pathetic salary, which pretty much cements my assumption that I'm worth next-to-nothing.

The yelling plus a hellish 90+ minute commute are making me seriously consider quitting. Is there some magical phrase I can utter that will somehow make my father have empathy (or at least have another emotion besides "angry" and "pre-angry"), or is this as much of a lost cause as I think it is? Right now the only things keeping me here are the money, not wanting to completely ruin any relationship I have with my parents (and to a lesser extent, some colleagues I really like), and not knowing if I'm overreacting. I'm also afraid of never getting another job ever again, and I don't want to strand my father with all my work along with his own -- we do more work than any two people should be burdened with.

Okay, so my two questions are: Should I quit? How do I deal with the inevitable shitstorm that comes with my resignation if I do quit? Or what can I do to make my life livable again and/or stop overreacting? I'm supposed to be getting married about a year from now -- a wedding my father wants to pay for, but I don't want to make my entire family hate me and I don't want to feel even more awful for accepting my father's money. I'm pretty sure that my entire family will be disgusted with me if I leave my dad out in the cold. I just can't see how I can possibly quit without causing more problems for myself.

If anyone needs clarification on my novel, I'm the girl that sucks, plusigotdepression@gmail.com

Looking for a green family car

Reverend John — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 07:35:58 -0800

Help us pick a car! We're looking for a good used family car. We have two daughters, a 2 1/2 year old and a newborn and need a car that can accommodate an infant car carrier without putting the front passenger's knees in the glovebox. We'd really like something that gets good gas mileage and is reliable. We'd consider a hybrid, but its hard to find them (new or used) to test drive and check to see if the car seats fit well, and we're also a little concerned about the battery life on a used hybrid, as we've heard they can be expensive to replace.

A few more datapoints:

We really liked the Subaru Outback, but found its gas mileage to be a little disappointing. We also liked the Mazda 5 but were also disappointed with the gas mileage.

Can anyone suggest a used car with good fuel economy, decent room for the kids, and good reliability that we ought to consider?

Help identify this horror story mentioned in "The Secret History"

punchdrunkhistory — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 09:56:27 -0800

I've just finished reading Donna Tartt's The Secret History. At one point Tartt references a supposedly famous horror story, but I don't understand the reference! Can anyone identify it? The description:

"I liked especially going to the little country grocery in North Hampden (whose ancient proprietors, mother and son, were said to have been the inspiration for a famous and frequently anthologized horror story from the 1950s)"

The book, of course, includes numerous references to actual works of literature, so I can only assume that this is a real story. Unfortunately, I have no idea what this might be. Does anyone know?

Hi Mom.. I'd really prefer not to talk to you.

citron — Sat, 24 May 2008 10:14:57 -0800

How do I handle interactions with a parent in the present, when I still haven't been able to let go of anger from the past? It's my mother.. simply calling me every now and then to ask how I am doing, and yet when she comes up on my caller ID I usually have overwhelming feelings of dread, anger, and then guilt if I don't pick up the phone. My mother and I don't get along so well. Things are civil at the moment but.. I guess on a deeper level they are poisonous. I certainly haven't resolved a lot of anger from the past, especially when I was young and still living at home. She has a mood disorder - definitely depression sometimes, but also prone to lashing out in rage and frustration, and seems to have a knack for saying the most hurtful things she possibly can at those moments. I grew up in constant fear of her unpredictable bad temper and fits of rage, and am still trying hard to stop being as critical of myself as she was of me. I know I haven't let it go and I'm not sure how, and I've had the same mood disorder myself since my teenage years - the time when she and my father were divorcing and she just dumped everything on me, guilt trips, anger, their baggage from the past. She doesn't have many friends and is miserable and pretty good at driving people away. I don't want to be like her but I'm afraid I could be, as I've learned pretty well how to be terribly unhappy and hard on myself.

Well over a decade later, I have this overwhelming anger when she calls me or sends me money (which I've asked her many times to stop doing) - a wish that she'd just leave me the hell alone, preferably for a couple of years. Even though at the moment she isn't treating me badly like she used to. But ever since I left home for college and the years in between, she'll call me to see how I am doing every week or so, and I just dread those calls and often don't take them, after which she'll complain to me the next time how long it's been since I've talked to her, and I never call her, etc. I would almost like to say, "get the hint, the reason I don't call is because I don't want to talk to you," but that seems awfully cruel. And of course I don't call - I don't want to talk to her - it always turns into this defensive, unpleasant thing for me because I'm usually not doing all that great, but if I am honest about this she'll harass me with constant worrying and more calls. I don't have to deal with her fits of rage and guilt trips any more, unless I happen to bring up anything from the past, of course. Oh, and yes, I've been to therapists and will go again. :)

How to talk to my friend about his arranged marriage?

doobiedoo — Wed, 21 May 2008 19:58:21 -0800

My friend is having an arranged marriage organised by his parents for him and recently decided to say yes to his bride. He made the announcement to his friends and said he was happy to do it even though it had been a difficult decision. We're not entirely sure he is happy or that this is what he wants and don't know how to talk to him about it. My mate is in his mid 20s. Most of my friends and I suspect he is doing this to please his family since he rarely says no to his parents. He has also never been very confident with girls, despite being a great guy and not bad looking either, so it seems like his family obligations come at a time when he no longer believes in his romantic prospects. He has always been very private about the issue and prior to his announcement he'd only confided to a few of his friends and family. Now that he's made up his mind it's even harder to talk to him about it since we all feel obliged to be supportive. The way I see it, rather than admitting his reluctance or saying no to his parents, he's trying to convince us and himself that he's happy with the decision, but I don't know how to say this to him (let alone engage him on what he wants vs what his family wants) when he either insists that 'it just feels right' and 'it's an idea that we have to get used to', or avoids the issue entirely.

Getting Along With Family

Juicylicious — Wed, 21 May 2008 10:49:23 -0800

How do I reconcile cultural differences with my in-laws? My fiance is Pacific Islander/Af Am. He was raised by his mother on the island. We now live in GA and as fate has it there are a lot of his relatives nearby. I want to be respectful to their culture, but I'm finding it difficult to merge our two cultures.

These are wonderful and kind people. They are welcoming and warm to everyone. BUT some things kind of weird me out and other things outright offend me.

Here we go . . .

Food - they have the worst diet I've seen. Everything is either fried, coated in soy sauce or from a can. They fry frozen meat to thaw it. They store food in the microwave (not packaged food, but cooked food). They eat with their fingers. One of the favorite meals is fried pork chops covered in Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup (undiluted). They leave rice cookers full of rice on the counter for a day or two (eating the rice a bit at a time). I am watching my weight and try to eat low fat, fresh veggies and fruit. My fiance does all of the cooking and I'm to the point that I can't eat the food he prepares because it's so unhealthy and frankly I don't like it. I've tried cooking for him, but he will not eat a meal w/out rice, doesn't like curry or pasta and doesn't care about fresh anything.

General Relations - They call each other throughout the day and see each other at least once per day. I may have fallen out of favor because I've been lacking on the calling. I don't really know what to talk about with his brother and sister in law as they are 19 and 18 and I'm 45. We don't have a lot in common. I'd like to be on good terms, but I don't like having to struggle to come up with general topics. They also habitually make and change plans without telling us, yet expect us to accomodate the change with no notice. Example, we drove to FL this weekend for my job and started getting calls en route demanding to know where we were as they had all gone to an uncle's house that happened to be on our way and were waiting to eat until we got there. We had no idea they were making these plans and we had not planned to make that stop. But we did and could tell they were a bit irratated by the time we got there. Last week they made reservations at popular restaurant and started calling us non-stop from two cell phones 40 mins before the reservation to know where we were. I think they believe that cell phones have magical qualities that manipulate the time/space continium. I turned my phone off.

Children - They are very indulgent, yet loving parents. Our niece is 2.5 y.o. and has no bedtime. She has just been taken off the bottle and is now given a giant blue candy sucker shaped like a bottle to replace it. It is not acceptable to correct or scold her. I found that out when she was jumping on my glass coffee table and I told her to get down. Yes, I said it gently and softly. You are supposed to give children whatever they want anytime they want it. I grew up with the standard: I'm the parent - you're the child and will do what I say parenting model.

Race Relations - My fiance looks Af Am. His relatives look like Pacific Islanders. They make constant cracks about his race, which he takes in stride as he grew up with it, but I find extremely offensive (I'm latin/caucasion). Example his mother (she's visiting) disclosed the other day that she had twins before him that were also "brownies." They're constantantly asking him if he was stationed in Africa (he went for work) to find his motherland, followed by ha ha'ing. His brother came over the other night and told us he went to Walmart but was scared by "all the black people" in the parking lot. When I asked why he was scared he said "because black people get in groups they're going to cause trouble." My fiance simply nodded his head and agreed that the sis-in-law should not be allowed to go to Walmart alone anymore. Oddly, anytime they perceive a slight aimed toward them, the person is a racist.

I really want to have good relationships with the family. I feel like I must be looking at the situation with the wrong perspective. I believe I need better coping skills/tactics so that I don't concede my own values or entirely retreat from relationships with the family.

hey, here's a card! see you in... not sure when!

jalebi — Mon, 19 May 2008 14:49:47 -0800

Do you attend the birthdays of your nieces and nephews (if they don't live all that close to you)? I used to live close to family, with all my siblings in maximum 2.5 hour driving distance. So for years, I'd go to the birthdays of my nieces and nephews, happily, and the distance was workable.

But I recently moved several US states away, and am beginning to feel bad about not attending the birthdays of my nieces/nephews. I call, send them a card/gift, but I'm going to be present. It's difficult (and expensive) to hop a plane and take that time for an afternoon's birthday party. I don't see this changing. The distance, in a lot of ways, has been important to my health and is something I quite badly needed. I have another year of grad school, and after that, I will very likely work internationally.

But I'm also starting to feel a bit guilty, for being the only one who isn't celebrating with them. The next "furthest" family member is my sister in law, who lives bout 6 hours driving distance, and she goes for every birthday.

What I'm trying to gauge, is some concept of what is "normal" for people in these situations - I know every family is different, but I don't have a lot of precedents to work with (with my own aunts and uncles, my dad's side was halfway across the world, and we were estranged from my mom's side). Because of this, I don't feel I really know what's "normal."

My siblings aren't making me feel guilty about missing their birthdays, it's mostly self-induced. I think because my siblings and I never really had much experience with this whole aunts and uncles and extended family thing, we've all remained in relative close distance enough to maintain bonds within our own immediate family. I don't feel this is realistic for the path I'm on (and want to be on) in life.

How involved are you in the lives of your nieces and nephews? What are some ways I can cope with feeling guilty for not being around them? What might constitute "normal" or "average" for such inevitables in relationships with growing extended family?