Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with family and anxiety

Generally cranky - help fix?

kat518 — Wed, 24 Oct 2012 21:34:46 -0800

I've feel angry and frustrated for no reason and I don't know what to do about it. I'm worried that I'm taking it out on my husband. Help? For a few weeks now, I've felt just generally angry and frustrated. I can't really put my finger on why I feel this way. I'm concerned that I'm not being a good partner to my husband as a result.

There are a few life changes that we have made that were relatively big but I should have absorbed them and moved on by now. About a year ago, we moved from a crappy apartment where we had lived for six years to a nicer place. Two years ago, I quit a job where I was underappreciated and underpaid for a better gig. In January, my husband quit his job to start a company and it's going well.

But of course, it's not that simple. I loved my old neighborhood and could walk to work. Now I have to take the bus - and it's fine, but it's different. Similarly, the new job is great - but I don't have the same comfort level and relationships with people that I did at my last job and a lot more is expected of me. And my husband's company is going well but with a start-up, in some ways, it never feels like things are moving quickly enough.

At the same time, my sister is pregnant which I'm excited about. My sister-in-law is getting married and I'm happy for her. But I'm going to need to take time off for both of these things. I used to take time off to do cool stuff that made me proud. I volunteered to build with Habitat in other countries and served as an international election observer. But my new job means fewer vacation days to do cool stuff so I have to make choices. I could conceivably take unpaid leave but people at my job don't see to do that kind of thing.

I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to. I don't mean that in a depressing sense and I'm certainly looking forward to seeing family for the holidays and my sister's babies and such but I feel like I don't have my own thing I'm looking forward to. I kind of just want to be left alone. Since I'm not crazy about my current job, I thought of looking into new ones but it's only been two years and we're about to start working on a big thing that will take me through February and I would feel like a jerk leaving in the middle of it.

I feel like I used to do cool things - travel on my own, volunteer doing cool stuff, run marathons - but it's all in the past. I'm too tired when I get home from work to do anything besides drag myself to yoga a few times a week and occasionally try to call my family.

I think all of this has made me grouchy around my husband. I feel really badly about it because I know I should be nicer to him but I'm just tired. I mentioned to the psychologist I'm seeing (I've had depression and anxiety for years) that I feel generally frustrated and angry and she didn't have anything to say. I'm tired a lot. I've done sleep tests and for whatever reason, I don't get restful sleep so I take Nuvigil which is awesome but I still feel frustrated.

I get frustrated when my husband asks what I want to do for dinner. I feel like I always figure out what to do for dinner. I get annoyed at him when he starts saying he wants to go to bed early and then sits on the couch for another hour and a half. I feel snappy when I'm cleaning up around the apartment and he's just watching TV. But sometimes it's not even stuff like that. He'll say something innocuous and I'll just want to reply something mean for no reason. I feel like a monster. I don't want to be this person. Sometimes I will notice that it's tied to my menstrual cycle and then I'll feel a little better. But usually it's not even that.

TL; DR - I'm generally frustrated, angry, depressed and tired for no particular reason and I'm worried that I'm taking it out on my husband and I don't know what to do. Help?

Help me help Mom.

Anonymous — Thu, 11 Oct 2012 15:50:19 -0800

Mom is depressed. She has always been depressed. Is there anything I can do to help? If not, how do I cope? I'm going to speak in generalities because I would hate for this to get back to her, but as far back as I can remember, my mother has been seriously unhappy. Now that she's retired, she spends most of her day in bed. Dad tries to help, but he's out of his league. Mom goes to a psychiatrist and is on anti-depressants. She tried talk therapy but did not like it. She never knows what she wants, only what she doesn't want. She's got crippling social anxiety. She doesn't have friends or hobbies. To me, it seems like a big part of the problem is that she never really figured out who she is (but I'm not a psychologist, just her child).

The thought she may spend the rest of her life like this is terrifying. If you've been through a similar situation, how did things improve? And if things didn't get better, how did you manage?

Thank you in advance.

OK, fine, the sky IS falling.

Bardolph — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 07:54:29 -0800

What are some good, supportive conversational strategies for dealing with someone who's catastrophizing? I've got a relative (let's call her Amy) whose character over the past few years has taken a turn for the pessimistic. Despite herself being a successful person with a pretty fortunate life, she's got a couple of key concerns about friends and relations that frequently stress her out-- not really stuff amenable to solution, but more general impending worries like the overall health of people she loves, and what she fears will be the ultimate consequences of various of their poor life decisions.

When we hang out, she seems to want to talk to me about these fears, but these conversations usually entail her running through vastly darkened scenarios of the situations she's worried about-- talking about how Bea is worn away to a thread these days, she never gets enough sleep and she's probably going to be flunking out of school, Carl will never get a job now that he's been unemployed for nearly two months, what on earth is Darla going to do now that she's married to that loser, he'll certainly be leaving her five years from now and where will she be then, etc. Mind you, some of these concerns are valid-- Carl's not particularly employable, maybe Darla doesn't have a wonderful marriage and Bea's grades haven't been great or whatever. But many of the worst-case scenarios she discusses aren't remotely plausible given the actual severity of the problems. And because these are third parties we're talking about, we're dealing with very imperfect information and a complete lack of agency over any of the issues on the table.

When things head in this direction, I've been having difficulty figuring out how to respond to her concerns. It seems callous and unhelpful to agree with the disaster-scenarios ("Totally, Bea will be dead or expelled before the year is out"), but when I try to point out, however gently, the logical reasons for taking a more optimistic view, Amy just accuses me of being selfishly indifferent to our family members' plights. Once I just out and said that I don't know why she insists on imagining the worst all the time, and she got really angry and called me a "terrible listener."

Since these thoughts, logical or not, are clearly coming from a real emotional place (and yes, it is legitimately painful to have loved ones who're not 100% happy and healthy), I'm wondering if anyone has suggestions for better ways for me to support Amy emotionally when she starts this kind of catastrophizing. Just to clarify: I am NOT looking primarily to protect my own well-being by setting firm boundaries, cutting her off, or whatever. I love Amy, she's not an intrusive conversationalist, and I'm happy to be her sounding-board if she needs one, but I really need some sort of script that'll help me give her whatever it is that she's trying to get from these talks. I could take the Rogerian route and guide the conversation therapeutically to how she feels about all this, I guess, but she's a pretty practical, results-oriented person and I doubt she'd follow me there.

tl;dr: in conversations, my relative tends to get stuck in pessimistic disaster-scenarios about family members. When someone's venting to you about how worried they are about [X semi-realistic but still fairly unlikely thing], is there a supportive and helpful way to respond, that doesn't involve either dismissing their concerns or confirming their fears?

How to make my weight loss a non-issue in conversation

purple_bird — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 11:23:09 -0800

How can I be polite and yet shut down conversations about my weight loss at an upcoming family gathering? I recently lost a significant amount of weight. I didn't set out to lose weight and I haven't quite come to terms with how different my body looks and especially with all the feelings associated with it. (Some of the weight I lost due to feeling ill for a couple months, some of it from dietary and lifestyle changes that make me feel good. I'm healthy now.)

I'll be seeing some extended family this weekend and I'm anticipating lots of comments and maybe questions. I don't want to talk about it really, but I also want to be polite. I tend to get tongue-tied in situations that make me anxious, like the one I'm anticipating. Can you help me brainstorm ways to respond and then deflect the conversation?

Worried about a worrier

up in the old hotel — Wed, 25 Jul 2012 17:00:09 -0800

My mother-in-law spends her life worrying about everything. She says she's happier than she's ever been. I think she needs help. I guess I'm lucky in that I wound up with a mother-in-law I really do love. My wife and I helped her move from the Midwest two years ago to live near us and be closer to her grandkids. We were very proud that she decided to come out but since then, she's kind of been like a turtle in her shell and has limited her life to a very small square area. She refuses to drive on freeways (a big deal here in SoCal). She won't go and try new things. She spends most of her day watching TV (although in fairness she does go to a gym now somewhat regularly). She has a single friend. Most of the time, she worries. She worries and worries and worries. When I look at her life, I see a life ruled by anxiety.

In what is now becoming an annual ritual, she gets upset at my wife and I for feeling that she's disappointed us for not exercising more, eating better or meeting new people. She says she's happy, happier than she was in the Midwest. She says she doesn't feel isolated. I don't believe her. I can't help but think how much happier and more fulfilled she would be if she got her anxiety under control and stopped being afraid of her own shadow. I guess I should leave things alone. I don't want to hurt her. But I feel responsible for her having helped bring her out and I'm not sure how I can ever stop from wanting to help her. Am I the one who needs help here?

How can I manage my anxiety to make visits home pleasant?

eldindeer — Sun, 22 Jul 2012 16:47:30 -0800

Only child makes depressing Christmas visit to parents. How can I prevent this from happening again? Apologies for length: trying to pre-empt any kneejerk 'just suck it up' responses (which may be appropriate, but hear me out first).

Mid-twenties, only child, been living a 10-hour plane ride from home for a few years now, fairly happy and optimistic about my future here despite present unemployment while I'm starting out in a new career (going back home--ever--is simply not on the table and never will be). Parents both just hit 60, both recently retired, live very quiet lives save for fixing up their boat to sail the world in their old age. They're super supportive of my life out here; it was even their idea. 'Home' is a village in rural England, very quiet, very boring, local highlight of the week is Friday night down the pub.

Long story short, I'm infinitely better off out of there, but since I don't really have close friends let alone anything approaching a surrogate family here, I've always opted to go home for Christmas. Parents seem very happy to have me (will even pay for flights), so off I go. It's boring--unless I cheerlead alternative activities, the whole two weeks would slide by in TV-watching and trips to Tesco--but I get through it and it is the only time we see each other in person. The past couple of times we've even arranged to spend a few days in London playing tourists. Highlight of the whole visit for me. We generally have a great time there. I think getting away from the inertia and the same old environment has a lot to do with it. So, reasonably successful visits by and large.

Until last year. Flights booked, everything proceeding as normal. Then, shortly before leaving, I'm seized with anxiety and I can't place the cause. I get barely any sleep the night before. My appetite goes completely. So I start almost 24 full hours of travel on an empty stomach and next to no sleep. Since I can be an anxious person and I can never seem to catch a wink of sleep on planes, you can imagine how the rest goes. By the time I get off the train at the other end, I'm mentally and physically on a different planet. A very nauseated, strung out planet. Parents, however, are excited to see me, and since they haven't eaten yet, insist we go straight on for dinner at a restaurant, which I spend picking at a bread roll and responding in monosyllables because I don't know whether I'm going to vomit or pass out (in the end, I did neither, but it was a close thing). This obviously disappoints them.

So that's how it started. It didn't get much better. I just couldn't catch up on sleep, which continued to mess up my mood and my appetite. I spent the whole two weeks in some sort of anxious, resentful half-life. I didn't have the energy to cheerlead the fun things, so almost every day was spent doing bugger all, which I resented. My conversation was pretty crappy: I didn't have the mental energy to recount all the stories they'd already heard on Skype. I would occasionally feel quite ill, which made me anxious about going out and which nixed the meet-up I was planning with a couple of old schoolfriends. So I resented that too.

It got so bad I behaved poorly while out to dinner one evening. Just couldn't suppress my frustration and fatigue at the humdrum environment and the same humdrum conversation repeated ad nauseam. My dad snapped at me for not making an effort--rightly so, I realize. Later that night, I overheard him expressing to my mother his disappointment in my behaviour and that I needed to 'grow up'. I'm a grown woman, and my dad's respect is still one of the most important things in my life, so it was utterly mortifying. I spent the rest of the night sobbing and in the morning made a tearful apology to both of them. They acknowledged how I'd been feeling, but, heart of hearts, I think they've always seen me as over-anxious and tend to be a little dismissive (not in an unkind way) of my 'issues'. As though if I made an effort, none of it would be a problem.

Thankfully, it ended on a positive. We spent a couple of days in London again and had a good time. My appetite even began to come back a little. Then it was time to fly back, and the whole godforsaken experience began again. No sleep, no food. Only this time round it was twice as bad because now I hadn't eaten or slept properly for two weeks. The less said about that return flight the better--suffice to say I was on the verge of what I'm fairly certain was a panic attack mid-flight and I have never had one before. I made it through, but I had to sit in the arrivals' lounge for over an hour sipping weak tea to gather the physical strength to make it home. It took a long time to get back to normal.

Christmas 2012 is on the horizon. I will almost certainly be going home. How can I prevent this sorry experience from happening again? I don't especially enjoy regressing to my teenage years, and it's not respectful to my parents either. We only see each other in the flesh once a year and I don't want to spoil it again. I didn't enjoy the travel endurance test either. Is this just the world's worst jetlag? Is it subconscious anxiety about home and parents?

As for potential solutions, I have some over-the-counter sleeping tablets from the pharmacist which I have no experience with but am prepared to use if necessary. Parents coming here--which would be ideal--is not on the cards on account of expense. NOT going home for Christmas is not really an attractive option either: quite apart from the important face-time with family, I'm a fairly solitary person and as I've said, there's no one here I would like to/can spend it with. Abbreviating the visit is not really cost-effective: flights are super expensive. I mentioned the old school friends; we have little in common anymore and I'm struggling with anxiety over making social plans. Happy to have a pint with them and catch up but that's about it.

If I could control your thoughts you wouldn’t be this angry at me

little-egglplant — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 16:54:39 -0800

My father in law is bipolar and self-medicating with alcohol. He is the sole carer for my house-bound mother in law. They live 5 hours’ drive away and they resist efforts to help them. How do I best cope with him? How do I practically help them both? Long and painful story below the cut. My husband’s parents live in a city about 5 hours drive away from us (in New South Wales, Australia). For clarity, let’s call them Jane and Mike. They’ve been divorced for over a decade and live separately.

Jane has emphysema and must be on a constant oxygen supply. This means she is generally house bound, and has difficulty moving around – she can still take herself to the toilet and shower, but could not leave the house without help. She mostly just watches TV, as she has no friends or other family. We call her nearly every day to chat and check up on her. She suffers from depression, and has all her life. She is a hoarder, and intensely private – as a result she has no in-home support arrangement apart from family.

Mike is Jane’s carer. He buys takes her out to get groceries, takes her to appointments, picks things up for her, helps around the house, etc. He visits her nigh-daily. He has a couple of friends, but no hobbies. He is retired, and we’re not sure what he does apart from look after Jane. He was diagnosed with bipolar a year ago and sees a therapist about once a month (he says the therapist wants to see him more often but he resists this). He deeply resents having to look after Jane, but also engages with her way too much. We’ve asked him to cut back on the visits or organise other in-home support but he won’t.

We try to visit once a month and stay over at Mike’s apartment on the couch. Jane has a three bedroom house but due to the hoarding there’s no room for us (not even a couch).

Mike has always been difficult, but some visits are worse than others. This weekend was incredibly bad. He was extremely agitated, paranoid, angry and upset. Conversations over the course of the weekend went badly. He says we are terrible people, suspects we are out to get him, thinks we try to control his thoughts and emotions, hates and regrets his life, and wants us to leave him alone (these kind of comments were reactions to pretty innocuous conversions about setting up a budget for Jane, trying to think positively, etc). The things he says are hurtful and I struggle not to get angry and upset at him when he speaks to me and my husband. In the end, he stormed out of his apartment, then texted my husband telling us to get out.

This weekend Mike also admitted he is drinking (about a bottle of wine a day) because he ‘has no other outlet’. Yes, we’ve tried to suggest activities and things for him to do before – these are either shot down, or shown as examples of us trying to control his life/thoughts.

Now that we’re home, I’m starting to fret. I’m fretting that Mike is in serious trouble; he hasn’t threatened self harm but he seems unpredictable and angry – and the new factor of potential alcoholism is terrifying. I’m fretting that if something happens to him, e.g. hospitalisation, Jane will be left without a carer. Needless to say, it would be pretty crap if we had to go up there every week.

We're calling the local mental health unit to ask for advice today (particular for emergency care for Mike, and any carer services for Jane), and I'm trying to find alternative accommodation for when we're in town.

What else can I do? My husband and I are fixers - we want to take action, make life better for them, do whatever we can. Sometimes I wonder if this attitude is making things worse though.

I also need to improve my attitude towards and understanding of mental illness. Can you help me understand what Mike’s going through, how to best interact with him, and stop getting upset when he’s hurtful or angry at us? Sometimes I find myself blaming him, or being angry at him, or resenting him – and I know I shouldn’t.

(The good news: my husband and I are a totally solid unit of support for each other – this whole drama has made me so grateful for him and proud of him. Hooray for having a fantastic partner to lean on!)

Sleeping Beauty - Sleep, Eat, Go online, Yawn…

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:10:58 -0800

Sleeping Beauty - Sleep, Eat, Go online, Yawn… My wife's younger sister who works night shift as a nurse stays 2 to 3 days a week at our house even though she has her own apartment. The days she spends at our house, she is either sleeping, eating or online.

There are things about her that are rather annoying. They are bearable but weekly repetition is what makes it unbearable.

Issue #1: She does not greet when she enters or leaves the house. She greets a goodbye only if she sees me. At first, I thought there was something wrong with my attitude. People do find me a bit rude and blunt at first but as they get to know me better they acknowledge my straight forward, frank nature. I even asked my best friend and his older brother both whom I highly regard about this uncomfortable situation. Both suggested to have a heart to heart conversation with her. I then told my wife about her sister not greeting. My wife agreed saying that her sister's nature is as such and I’m also not to blame for expecting her sister to greet. My wife then told her sister that day and later that night when they were eating dinner, I told her sister that people find me a bit rude and blunt but I want her to feel comfortable around me to which she interrupted and said it was her and not me. When I continued, my wife interrupted saying that it was her sister's problem and not mine and to not make a big deal preventing open discussion.

Issue #2: She does not drive so either my wife or I drive her around the past year and a half. Sher has never asked me directly for a ride. It is always my wife asking me to give her a ride. She has a Driver License from another state but is not confident to drive in the city where we live so I suggested she learn to drive from a professional. I even got her the contact but she told my wife that her boyfriend would teach her. Her boyfriend lives in the East Coast who visits her often. She works a few blocks from our house and her apartment is walking distance across the hospital so driving her to work/apartment is less than a mile. Recently, she applied and got a new job which is 10 miles from our house. After I dropped her and waited more than an hour for her final interview, I told her that she should buy a car and drive the street avoiding the highway for her new job. I also told her to "put herself in our shoes". Since then, she has never asked me for a ride. She walks to her apartment from our house.

Issue #3: We had a baby girl in December and I was hoping she would take some time off to help but either she could not get time off or she did not ask for vacation. So I ended up calling my parents to help out. She did stay for 2 days at our house taking care of our 2 year old son since my son is not used to my parents but is used to her. This was very useful and I thanked her.

Minuscule things which irritates me are:
She does not help with any household chores. She does do her own dishes and on rare occasions, she will do all dishes in the sink.

She will forget to take her cup or glass after she is done eating from our dining table even after being told.

She will not keep her shoes in the shoes stand even after being told.

She will not close the toilet cover after she’s done even after being told.

She will not keep all her belongings in the drawer she was specifically told to keep her things. We have a very active 2 year old who could get hurt over her things - laptop, cup, glass etc. Bottom-line, she will not treat our house like she keeps her apartment neat and tidy.

Since she works nights, she sleeps during the day. When she’s awake for the rest of the day, she yawns incessantly which is extremely annoying and worse still, she wont have the decency to excuse herself.

In the beginning when she lived with us for about 2 months, she would mostly sleep in the family room couch watching TV forgetting to turn it off falling asleep. Nowadays, she stays closed in our extra bedroom with her Laptop online.

Upon my wife’s request I had tuned her Laptop, added Memory and got her a new Laptop battery for which she paid for the parts. But even after her Laptop was perfectly working, she used my Laptop for many months. Eventually, I had to tell my wife to tell her to use her own Laptop. Now she leaves her Laptop at our house and uses it when she is here. Her apartment does not have Internet connection. Sometimes, I feel she comes to our house mainly to go online since she stays in our extra bedroom with her Laptop.

The only useful thing she does in our house is that she will often play with my 2 year old son.

I spoke to my dad about this and he thinks since my wife appears more powerful than me, her sister unknowingly takes me for granted. (I tend to think I have the power over my wife over our finances and important decisions. I let my wife take all other decisions. I also think we both think alike. We are both Libra and straight forward people.) I don’t have malice towards her but the fact she does not greet leads me to believe there is something in my attitude. I feel that I shouldn't feel uncomfortable asking her to help with chores in the house. I tend to believe she is young and has not matured but she is 28 years old. Is it her attitude or my attitude ?

Her boyfriend is in town for a month. She has not come to our house since he’s been here. The last time I saw her was at a friend's wedding last weekend. I helped her obtain wedding scarfs to put on bride and groom (done in our Asian culture). When I left the wedding with my baby girl in car seat, I walked past ignoring her since I knew she had a ride.

I’m getting obsessive about this situation but don’t know how to handle it. Out of sight, out of mind could work only if she did not come to our house for her stay-over weekly.

I have scoured online and metafilter regarding this issue and I would like to borrow these these lines from http://ask.metafilter.com/185678/How-long-should-the-sisterinlaw-stay “As anyone with small kids knows, family life with a full time job is already pretty stressful; and all marriages needs constant upkeep. Yeah, I'm looking for the magic answer that resolves all conflicts and makes everyone happy - or failing that, some advice on how not to be a jerk to family!”

Thanks MetaFilter.

How can I prevent or reduce acute anxiety?

valeries — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 13:23:48 -0800

After about one day visiting my family, I get very emotional and remain on the verge of tears for the rest of my visit. Once I've reached this point, talking about anything, even the most mundane, makes me cry. I have never experienced this except with my family. It can last for days. What causes this? What can I do to prevent it? What can I do to recover from it? Can you explain what is happening to me? My parents, sister and her family (kids are a pre-teen and a teenager), brother and his family (4 kids under age of 6) live in one city and I live far away.

I am very lucky in that I like my family and love them too. We enjoy spending time together. We never argue. I'm able to talk with each of them with no problems. We are able to disagree about things like politics without it getting heated. I make an effort to visit them. Nothing traumatizing has happened to me. I've gone on vacation as an adult with my parents with no problems. All of the children are amazingly well-behaved, polite, fun to be around.

It happened for the first time a few years ago the first Christmas after I got divorced (separated in March, so it wasn't particularly fresh). My brother was putting together a wagon or something – the loud hammering after a full day just put me over the edge and I started to cry. My dad hugged me for a while, very lovingly, but that just made the tears flow more. I held it together for the remainder of my visit, but didn’t fully recover until I got back home. Just thinking about it now, years later, makes my heart rise in my chest, my jaw tighten, and tears start to flow. So strange!

Other than this phenomenon, I hardly every cry. I am not an emotional person. I am generally very level. In case it's relevant, I have an autoimmune disease. I take Synthroid for Hashimoto's thyroiditis, diagnosed when I was a teenager, have my levels tested every 6 months. Also tested positive for the gene for Celiac but endoscopy showed no damage.

I want to dig deeper into this – what causes it? My theories: sleep deprivation, full days, total chaos and commotion, cramped spaces, loud noises, no alone time, being “on” from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed, different values and beliefs than the people I love and respect resulting in subtle disagreements/defensiveness/stress, some sort of more nebulous feeling of underlying judgment or disapproval (whether real or imagined) from people I love and respect, a combination of all of the above? I wish I could make the feeling go away. I love spending time with everyone, but once I get in that state, I can’t enjoy myself. I feel an overwhelming urge to flee.

This last time came out of nowhere when my grandmother described someone as twice-divorced. She's very religious and wasn't being overtly mean - if she were from the south she would probably have added "bless his heart". I tried to defend the guy she was talking about, stating that marriage is difficult and success isn't guaranteed even if both parties are easy-going, but I started choking up and finally just held it together long enough to say goodnight and go to bed. It has been two days, one travel and one back to my normal routine, and I still feel off.

I live in NY, so I'm used to a lot of noise, but maybe there's something about children's piercing screaming and close quarters?
I spent extended time with friends' children, including long weekend visits and even a week of vacation, but have never had a similar reaction. I've googled and it doesn't seem to be a panic attack.

I'm spending 10 days with my family over Christmas. What can I do to avoid this emotional state in the future? How can I prevent it? How can I recover quickly when it happens again? Can you explain what is happening to me?

Help me quell my irrational response to someone's pity

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 10:38:58 -0800

How to handle unwanted pity and an irrational perceived slight? My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We're 23. The past 4 years I've always gotten his parents something small for Christmas, when they have me over for Christmas Eve big extended activities/Christmas day smaller family gathering where gifts are exchanged.

This previous year, because I am making more money than I have previous years, I got them "bigger" presents and filled stockings for the three of them.

They've always (all 4 years) had a stocking for me as well as presents that cost exponentially more than the ones I gave them even last year (not to say I think cost matters, but it seems like it does to them).

They seemed very happy about the gifts at the time and thanked me and things seemed great. Cut to last weekend, where we went out for their anniversary dinner. I got them a card and a giftcard ($50, really the least expensive one available) for the restaurant we were attending (my go-to present in most situations, one I've given them multiple times before without them saying anything other than many thanks).

Apparently his dad was bothered by this, saying they're the adults (hey! I'm an adult too!) and that they don't need gift cards. This was said afterwards to my boyfriend, not to me, but when my boyfriend told me he made it pretty clear that he'd been told to pass along the message.

Ok. Message received. No more gift cards! Problem solved, right? Not so much.

Last night, my boyfriend said that his parents said I was not to get them anything for Christmas, except for candy, and that they felt weird about me giving them big presents.

I'm a hugehugehuge Christmas person, and they know this. I understand they have the right to ask for me not to give them anything, and I'll totally honor that, but still....I feel a) somehow embarrassed for myself, this came out of nowhere b) sort of insulted, because it feels like they're pitying me and my financial situation (they made it clear this was about money, how they don't need me spending it on them, etc) even though I'm definitely not financially unstable!!! And the way they don't see me as an adult (I live on my own, I pay my own bills, I work full time, I am an adult damnit!).

So, how do I get myself over this? I realize I really shouldn't be taking this so personally but I can't help feeling like they're pitying me and I don't like it. I'm also feeling really embarrassed (though I don't know what about, my presents? I know that I haven't really done anything wrong but I can't help feeling like I have) and at the moment am not even sure if I feel comfortable going to their home this holiday because I'm feeling so embarrassed, which is so silly.

What would you say to yourself in this situation/when you're irrationally blowing up a situation in your mind? How would you get over it?

Crazy family history...how do I avoid passing it on?

snowysoul — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 15:58:01 -0800

How do I break the cycle of abuse in my family and make a stable, happy and safe environment for my own (future) family? ( I'm feeling like I'm in a bit of a complicated situation family wise and am not sure how to go about this.Sorry for the length!
My immediate biological family, frankly, sucks at best (except for my mom). My dad is an abusive alcoholic with an undiagnosed mental illness, my brothers are strangers I barely know despite efforts otherwise. Mental illness (depression, anxiety, alcoholism, bipolar and schizophrenia ) and a history of abuse runs through both my maternal and paternal family. My parents were both emotionally abused, my dad was emotionally abusive towards me. I realize I am not the sum of my crazy family history, but I am downright terrified of having a family of my own and doing the same things that happened to me. The long and short of it is that I moved out of my parents house after a particularily nasty incident with my dad, got my but into therapy, joined Alnon and moved across the pond to Norway for the year. Things have been slowly getting better. I'm in a place where I can tolerate my dad in small doses, and we can have short and pleasant visits (<5 days).

Among all this, I met a great guy. A great wonderful, sweet guy who I love to bits and would like to marry and start a family with in the next couple of years. However, the thought of starting a family often is terrifying to me. I am so scared that despite an excellent relationship with my boyfriend, something will happen and suddenly I will be married to someone like my father (who is he is NOT anything like, and given absolutely no indication towards the type of behavior I am afraid of) or worse, I will be someone like my father, passing on a toxic family legacy leaving my family in flames behind me.

As a result of my family history I currently cannot deal with conflict in anyway that resembles healthy (working on this). Anger is a scary emotion for me, I don't have much idea of what healthy anger and conflict looks life between a couple/family. I'm worried about my crazy (depression and generalized anxiety disorder) and how this may affect my relationship. And how all of this may come into play as my boyfriend and I start building a future together.

Most of all I do not want to be the parent my father was! There were times I literally did not feel safe in my own house. I would get cornered and yelled at, and if I talked back or tried to get away it would make it three times as worse. Stupid things like not doing my laundry correctly or forgetting to empty the dishwasher would start WWIII. I was sworn at, called names, shamed, ridiculed, and yelled at for things that had nothing to do with me (i.e my mom's behavior)

So, the question is twofold. How do I continue to build a stable and safe relationship with my boyfriend? Do you have any relationship advice for what I can do to avoid dragging family crazy into my relationship with my boyfriend? Also, how do I break the cycle of abuse and alcholism in my family?

Help me move forward from an emotionally tramatic year....

snowysoul — Mon, 09 May 2011 17:45:17 -0800

How can I restore my mental health/sanity after one stressful hell of a year? Additionally, any suggestions for starting to heal as a surviour of emotional abuse by a parent? To say the least, its been one hell of a year and I am physically, spiritually and emotionally dead. I have been previously diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and am on Lexapro to manage this and some chronic depression I have been struggling with over the past few years.

The really ugly....

In the past year (currently a college student)
- My alcoholic and emotionally abusive angry idiot of a father (but not physically abusive until one incident last summer) father came after me with a hammer last summer threatening me....I left shortly afterwards to move back to my university hometown and am still struggling to deal with the repercussions of this
- Came to realize that I am a survivor of some nasty emotional abuse from my father after a couple years of denial that something is wrong....being afraid to go home because of getting threatened for leaving the garage door open = definitely something wrong at home
- Good friend was sexually assaulted and suffering from PTSD and have been struggling to help her through this
- School and maintaining my course load was extremely stressful - had to drop a few classes due to the stress
- 3 family members/friends were in near fatal accidents
- My grandparents, who I consider to be my parents at this point are not doing well physically and showing signs of aging (not sure how to deal with this)
- Faithwise, have been struggling with extreme doubts and anxiety over who and what God is in my life/the world (from a christian ish perspective)
- Extreme anxiety over other events
- Multiple family issues relating to past events and my dad's ongoing issues with alcholol, my parents are currently considering divorce
etc.
- Moved away from my best friends and support network to a city where I know no one (living with my grandparents near Toronto) to work fulltime for the summer in suburbia. Good for saving money, but hate living in the area.

The good:
- I am moving abroad to study for a year in Norway in August, been looking forward to this since high school
- Have a great relationship with my boyfriend, moving towards marriage at some point after I graduate university in 1.5 years
- Have a good extended family and friend network (immediate family is sketchy at best with the exception of my wonderful Mom)
- Was seeing a not very helpful counselor since December for some help and am very open to seeing another one

I am so far deep into the mess that is this past year that I can't seem to pull myself out. I'm suffering from anxiety and depression despite the medication, and have no idea where to go from here, and am fundamentally not happy right now.

So, the question is, what can I do to stabilize my emotional health over the next three months prior to moving abroad? What can I do to give myself time to grieve, breath and nurture myself before moving again? Additionally, how do I move forward on healing from the scars of being emotionally abused?

Bonus points for a reality check : I worry that I'm taking this all way too dramatically and that its not been as big of a deal of a year as I feel it is. Does this sound like normal (i.e am I crazy over nothing?) or has it been a crazy year?

You gave me life but it belongs to me now

Chrysalis — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 22:25:24 -0800

How do I stop feeling responsible to my family for keeping myself safe and guitly for taking risks? I'm terrified of dying, not because of dying itself but because of how guitly I would feel for the affect it would have on my family, especially my mother. Ever since her you get brother died when I was 5, she has been overprotective of my brother and I. I grew up constantly anxious of how close to death myself or others might be. I'm now i'n my late 20s and still avoid physically risky activities because I would feel horrible to leave my mother unable to cope. I want to live my life though! How do I deal with this? Should I talk to her about it? We are very close. Last night I had a vision of myself lying in a pool of my own blood and the scariest part of it was looking at my mum's face knowing I was leaving her. I haven't been able to relax since. I want her permission, or my permission, to do what I want with the life she gave me and not feel like I'm responsible for guarding her from my death. Help?

Quit my job, no new one, bad circumstances

Franny26 — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 05:59:01 -0800

I just quit my (bad) job and have no new job to go to. I know I need to be proactively seeking work but I'm suffering from confidence problems and bad personal circumstances and finding it difficult. Any tips or similar stories? Hi everyone,

I took a job with a young and fast-growing company last Spring. It was a new position that seemed to play to many of my strengths (online content management and copywriting). However I quickly discovered that the company is run in a very chaotic style, and that the needs of the company hadn't been properly thought out when they designed the role.

As a result, the work I am doing now is marketing and project-management, and is well outside of my skillset and area of interest. Additionally, I have been given extra responsibilities that were not in my original job description, and I don't have the time or the necessary experience to get everything done. This induces panic and a feeling of constant impending failure.

Although I have had good performance reviews and am well-respected in the company, I find my work terrifying on a daily basis. My manager, who was training me, quit after about 6 weeks and wasn't replaced for a long time. Although I now have a new manager, she has been unable to give me the necessary support or training as the company has quickly co-opted her role for extra responsibilities too, flying her around the globe to meet with different people and absorbing most of her time with meetings. I feel like I am doing everything alone, by the seat of my pants, and at constant risk of screwing up. Additionally I'm required to be available out of hours, including over the Christmas break, which is something that was never disclosed to me at the interview stage and which is damaging my social life and potential for relaxation.

There are two other people doing the same role-type as me but working on different projects. For their own reasons, they are faring better than me (or at least appear to be coping better) and while they also have their complaints, struggles and failings, I feel that I am the only one who truly cannot cut it.

The frustration is that people at work recognise me as a competent and even talented person, but have no job for me other than my chaotic, overloaded and ill-supported current role. I have tried to address this with attempts to improve and better define the role, and I even designed and pitched a new copywriting-led role to company leadership, but again was told respectfully that although there was a need for this, the lack of resources meant that there would be no possibility of it happening in the foreseeable future.

I began to feel increasingly stressed, angry and overwhelmed, and after some frank discussions my new manager and HR guy advised me to get out, find the job I really wanted to do and take control over my career. They agreed that the chances of things calming down or a more suitable role opening up were pretty non-existent. I took their advice and handed in my notice, with an end date of Jan 21st (I'm in the UK), and resolved to find a new job in the meantime.

Unfortunately, these events have co-incided with family illness (my dad has been diagnosed with cancer, albeit of a minor form) and the breakdown of my 2 year relationship. (I live with my ex.)

In retrospect I was stupid to take their advice. I suppose I felt somewhat desperate. The truth is that my CV is not stellar - I have some good experience but of short duration (my longest employment in the 4 years since I graduated is 1 year 2 months), and 8 months at this job won't help the impression of job-hopping to new employers.

I feel that I have failed in my current role and will fail in any new endeavour. At the worst times I feel that I am incapable of coping with any job. I suspect that my mental health is not altogether good right now, because in addition to these negative ideas, I'm constantly tearful, can't sleep and have lost my appetite. To me these are warning signs of depression.

I write this from home - I have taken a couple of days off sick because I'm too distressed to be useful at work. I actually started crying in a meeting yesterday when asked to come up with some work I hadn't done. (That is pretty humiliating and not like me at all.) I've used my poor old dad as an excuse for the tears and the time off, but in all honesty I'm worried for myself as well as him. (He's actually doing pretty well, is retired and has plenty of support while he undergoes treatment.)

To add an extra layer of complication, I responded to the end of my relationship by having a fling with a guy from my team at work. (Again, stupid.) This has gone sour, and he has moved on to a flirtation with another colleague (which happens under my nose each day). I feel completely horrible about myself in this regard too.

I suppose I am asking... can anyone offer any advice about finding a new job, positive self-image, handling anxiety and overwork, and basically surviving? Also, has anyone experienced a similar situation and come out of the other side?

Grateful to anyone who managed to read to the end!

F

the least wonderful time of the year

spinto — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 09:53:41 -0800

How to manage anxiety about family visits? I don't like my immediate family. There was a lot of family trauma in my childhood, but beyond that, I simply don't feel connected to them. I never miss them when we're apart, which is most of the time. Honestly, the only reason I ever see them is because they would be devastated otherwise. So I suck it up a few times a year. The end of the year is the worst because both my brother and I have birthdays in October, and then there are the holidays. My brother and I live near each other in the DC area; my mom and sister live about 4 hours away in North Carolina. I'm the oldest, with my brother being 4 years younger and my sister being 11 years younger than me (I'm 28 going on 29). I'm mostly estranged from my father, who is divorced from my mother and is NOT relevant to this question.

So my mom is coming for a visit in October, and then we're all supposed to spend Thanksgiving together down in NC. (Luckily, I've managed to establish a recent tradition of spending Christmas in my own way -- with my significant other or with friends -- and my mother no longer calls me weeping when I do this.) Doesn't sound so bad, right? The problem is that it causes me awful, crippling anxiety, the main reasons for which are:

- My mom and brother are judgmental, which is not helped by the fact that I've struggled a lot in my adult life and my brother has not. I've struggled with depression, didn't finish school, and had an ill-advised marriage (I'm now divorced). My brother graduated with honors, makes more money than I do, and is engaged to a woman my mother adores. I actually consider myself to be doing well now -- good job I've had for the past few years, fulfilling relationship, etc. -- although I still struggle. To my family I might as well be mentally unsound, though. My mother, for example, believes I'm incapable of choosing a good relationship for myself and has gone as far as to try to set me up with other guys even though I'm in a relationship. She is constantly trying to get me to move to NC where she can help me and watch over me and ensure I live the life she'd like me to have. And my brother -- let's just say that his stance on people struggling with mental health is that they should just get over it because "there are people who have survived watching their families killed in front of them." We also got into a huge fight a few months back because he didn't feel I had gotten my mother a nice enough Mother's Day gift (which is none of his business).

- My mother is also very negative. Growing up, she wouldn't let me go on trips because I might have an accident and die, wouldn't let me date because the boy would probably rape me, etc. Always the worst case scenario. I live with and fight against the effects of this attitude every day. After a visit with her and her negativity though, it takes me weeks to mentally rebalance.

- I often feel like I have no control when I'm with my family. For the October visit, I've arranged to borrow a car from a friend so that I can see them for a short while on my own terms, and that helps a lot. But when I visit for Thanksgiving, I ride with my brother and his fiance. I get intensely anxious and panicky feelings before, during, and sometimes even after an extended holiday visit like this. A couple months ago I forced myself to go visit for my little sister's graduation, and things got unpleasant at times, and during those times it felt almost unbearable to be there because I felt so fucking TRAPPED with these people that I don't like, or respect, or trust, but feel so very beholden to.

- This is a more recent one, but they don't approve of my interracial relationship, and my boyfriend will be with me at the October visit. And what burns me up even more is that my mom is fine with my brother's interracial relationship because his fiance is white and comes from a wealthy family (our family is Indian). But I guess in her eyes, a hardworking black man from a poor background who has managed to do better for himself could never be good enough for me.

So my question is, what can I do to manage my anxiety? I'm already feeling very tense about both visits. One thing I know will NOT work is asking my mom to modify her behavior even slightly. Her response to that sort of thing has always been, "I'm your mother, and nobody else loves you enough to tell you these ugly truths." A few years ago, I even cut off contact with her for a while in an attempt to convey my seriousness about the way she makes me feel. She's a little better now, but not much -- and during the time we weren't in contact, I felt constantly guilty and had to deal with things like her calling the front desk at my workplace begging to speak with me.

Has medication helped any Mefites in a similar situation? Or certain spiritual practices or cognitive exercises? I've been in talk therapy before, but it only took me so far. Part of the problem is that I have so little desire to interact with my family. I just want to be able to fulfill my obligation to them with as little tension as possible.

Carry-on baggage

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 10:42:42 -0800

Relationship issues involving long-distance and extended vacations. My question boils down to: how do I resolve the overwhelming anxiety I have about an upcoming trip I am taking with my partner? In about one month, my partner and I will take a trip to another continent to go to a friend of mine's wedding, and then to visit my family for a couple of weeks. This is really a beautiful, huge, month-long trip that we have planned.

Backstory on us: we first met and got involved about a year and a half ago, but have been solidly together for about a year now. All but 6 weeks of that time has been long-distance, with my partner studying for a master's degree an 8-hour train ride away from where I live. We visit each other about once a month and skype regularly.

In the past two-months, the long-distance has become, for me, unbearable and I have said as much. We have numerous little arguments that blow up and turn quite ugly, and I think they reflect some pretty fundamental differences in our personalities. Some of these arguments have also led me to be slightly mistrustful, and we never seem to resolve them to a point where I feel like we really understand each other (although my partner does feel that we have reached that point and that I am just being difficult).

So, we have been pretty much on the edge of breaking up for a while now, despite having planned this trip together back in January. My partner has convinced me that we just need more time together, and that the trip is a good chance to have that time together. My partner is very eager to do the trip, but given the situation up until now I am feeling insane anxiety about whether our going together is a good idea or not. I really, I really would like for everything to just continue acoording to plan, and for us to have a great time.

People of metafilter, can you offer me an open perspective that views our trip as a good chance to maybe grow back together? Do you have words of wisdom and warning about how terrible an idea this trip is? Or is it the opposite, and can you convince me I just need to snap out of it and chill out and enjoy what could really be a fantastic vacation?

It's the least wonderful time of the year

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 10:43:51 -0800

How to handle an abusive, alcoholic family for Christmas - now and in years to come? I am 25 years old, and have managed to (mostly) escape my emotionally abusive, alcoholic family. I only go home once a year...and that's for Christmas. Needless to say, this is my least favorite time of the year, and I'm freaking out about heading home in a few weeks.

I don't have many friends in my hometown anymore, and my family doesn't really venture outside the house. Basically, each Christmas is three or four days of drinking, screaming, weeping, cursing, falling over, and general angst.

Although I hope to eventually not go home for Christmas, right now it's just not an option. What I'm looking for are some good coping strategies to deal with holidays at home. How can I reduce my stress and fill the endless hours? How do I prevent myself from getting hurt when situations like the following happen?

- my grandmother gets too drunk to stand before dinner even starts
- my father screams at my mother to go lay down because nobody wants to look at her anymore and she's an embarrassment to her children
- my mother hides weeping in the basement and when I go to find her, she begs me to "throw her in rehab" if she ever gets as bad as my grandmother

(This was all last Christmas, by the way.)

Things I've done in years past include watching a lot of TV, playing on the internet all day, and altering my sleep schedule to limit the amount of hours my family and I are mutually awake.

One note - I don't drink during the holidays, because I see what it does to my family, and I also have an intense fear of losing control around them and bringing their wrath onto me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know this probably doesn't sound too terribly bad, but it hurts me a lot every single year and I would love to learn how to make it hurt less. Throwaway email is drunksmas@gmail.com.

Is it okay to lie to your parents to avoid seeing them on the holidays?

bananaskin — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 14:23:46 -0800

How can I handle my feelings for my parents during this holiday season? I am a 40 year old, single woman, without children. I have lived away from my parents for the past 15 years or so, but recently, they have moved to 1 hour away from me (not to be near me, but to be near relatives).

Although my past with them, both as a child and up to the past year, has not been the WORST, it has been extremely difficult. My parents were both very prominent in our church, yet did not do as they "preached" at home.

I try to limit my time with them as much as possible as I have felt, and still do, very anxious, even to the point of heart palpitations, headaches, sweating, stomach aches, when I have plans to be around them and then during the time when I am around them.

At the same time, I fear NOT going to Thanksgiving and Christmas as the fall out from that may be difficult as well (calling me on the phone to chew me out, talking badly about me to the relatives).

I am "past" the point of trying to work this out with them, as I have tried, but they just can not accept me as an adult with valid opinions. They still look at me as a child and treat my concerns as such. So, what should I do?

Usually, I give an excuse, a lie, to get out of seeing them on at least one of the 2 holidays, then spend it alone....which may or may not be too bad. (please do not tell me to go spend the holiday with "friends").

I just do not want to go. What should I do?
Thank you everyone!

How do I stop offending people with my anxiety?

giraffe — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 12:27:55 -0800

I left Easter dinner early due to anxiety. My family is angry. How can I make everyone happy? (Extremely limited background: It is well-known in my family that I suffer from depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, my family does not "believe in" anxiety or mood disorders. I've essentially been told to "walk it off" by all of my close relatives.)

I get panic attacks due to anxiety and claustrophobia sometimes. For the second time in as many major family holidays, my sister has invited me to what seemed like a small family affair, and turned out to be a major party with friends, screaming kids and yelling at the TV all in one cramped space. I do want to see my family, but these events are far too stressful for me to manage. On Christmas I was all but dragged out of the basement while having a panic attack so people could sing "Happy Birthday" and shove a cupcake in my face (my birthday was coming up). I left immediately afterward, which, according to my mother, upset more than a couple of people.

Yesterday at Easter I had to leave between dinner and dessert because I started to get that "I'm about to implode or possibly die" feeling. I missed saying goodbye to a couple of people in my desperate attempt to leave the building, and when I spoke to my mother today she reported that my sister felt offended that I'd left and others were angry with me because of "the way [I] acted." The conversation made me feel like the world's biggest asshole. I'd figured telling someone "having a panic attack, will catch up with you later" would be enough of an explanation, but I was incredibly wrong.

I obviously have to apologize to my sister and the other people I snubbed, but I can't come up with a good enough reason for my bad behavior. I know saying, "I was going to have a panic attack" will seem like a weak excuse or like I'm trying to get people to feel bad for me. How do I make this right? How could I have handled this situation better? What should I do about future parties?

How can I help my 32-year-old sister conquer her intense fear of interacting with people?

Anonymous — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 08:52:18 -0800

How can I help my 32-year-old sister conquer her intense fear of interacting with people? My sister has done her best to isolate herself for over half of her life. I know that she is lost and lonely and I would like to help her.

She graduated from high school early because she didn't like her classmates. She got a single room in college and spent all of her time studying, obtaining a 3.99 gpa, but not making a single friend throughout the 5+ years she was in school. Although she has a college degree, she holds down jobs that never pay more than $10/hour, and usually quits them after about a year. She finds interacting with her co-workers stressful, and she just gives up. When she has to interact with a new person, such as going to an interview or going to see a doctor, her anxiety manifests herself in physical symptoms - upset stomach, increased heartbeat, sweating, etc.

She reacts inappropriately when she is angry or frustrated, crying, stomping around, slamming doors. She has never had a romantic relationship - never even got to the point of holding hands with someone. She spends all of her free time with our parents, who are retired and in their 60s. She is even scared of online social networking, like Facebook. Online dating is definitely out of the question.

I haven't had that close of relationship with her. A large part of that is due to the fact that she seems so much younger than me just because she hasn't had the same life experiences - it's very difficult to relate to her. I feel like I am walking on eggshells around her because even the tiniest thing can "set her off" and provoke a tantrum.

I just want to help her take some small baby steps, such as interacting with people online, maybe picking up a hobby that involves other people, something. However, I'm at a complete loss as to how to accomplish this.

When does my brother's drinking become my problem?

non sum qualis eram — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 14:31:14 -0800

How do I help my mother deal with my sibling's alcohol use? Ever since my brother moved back in with my folks after his college graduation (about two years ago), my mom has had a really hard time dealing with his drinking. My brother isn't shy about coming home pretty drunk or calling to say that he's too drunk to drive and is staying elsewhere.

I know it causes an inordinate amount of stress for my mother, who's already medicated for her anxiety. Maybe every two or three months, she'll have a kind of breakdown about it and call me, sobbing and asking what to do. Today, her call was prompted by noticing that my brother's face was scratched up after a night out. He told her that he was so drunk he fell down the steps at the party.

I've tried just listening, giving advice, and tough love. Nothing seems to comfort her or spur her to take definite action on the problem. I guess I'm interested in others' experiences with these situations. When is it time for me to intervene with my brother? If I did, what would I even say? Short of that, what advice can I give my mother to either deal with her anxiety about the situation or take action to solve it?

Other info: My father also lives with them, but isn't really concerned about my brother's drinking. He grew up in a family of alcoholics, though, and he's rationalized their behavior to me for as long as I can remember. I have a very close relationship with my brother, but we've never discussed this issue.

Thanks in advance, Mefites!