Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with families

Friends don't stress friends out!

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:49:39 -0800

How do you extricate yourself from a family-oriented friendship? Very long and pathetic story to follow. About eighteen months ago, my child became friendly with a classmate. We hosted a play date that went swimmingly well. I liked the Mom quite a bit. This led to a reciprocated play date at their house, where we eventually ended up becoming family friends – Dads enjoyed each other’s company, kids played nice, Moms hung out. All was good. I thought it was great that we all were nice new friends. In fact, we spent the majority of the summer together, and even did holidays at each other’s houses.

Well, as my friendship with the new Mom evolved, she started to confide in me that she was involved in a long-established affair with another married male (who also had kids), and had long ago kind of checked out on her marriage. In fact, she actually hated her husband. Now mind you, our kids are now absolute buddies, and talk about each other endlessly and go to school together five days a week in the same class. I was kind of OK with just being aware of the situation, but as time went on, the volunteering of information became, well, a little TMI. The wheres, the whens, the hows. It was mentioned to me that there was a pregnancy scare and Plan B was involved. When I kind of brought up the What the FUCK?! Factor, as in, don’t you have enough going on? She said that they (she and her, uh, paramour?) discussed the thought of having a baby together and liked the idea, but then freaked when the possibility became a reality and bailed. TWICE. When I asked what would happen should the Plan B not work, how would she deal with the fact that she wasn’t sleeping with her spouse (except for the occasional mercy fuck) yet somehow get pregnant? She said that her husband wouldn't be smart enough to figure it out. (She is forever talking shit about him/his intelligence, etc.)

I tried to remain outside of the circle, especially since her husband happens to be a really nice guy. He apparently was aware that she had fooled around on him at one point, but was under the impression that it had ended a while back (to date, it’s now been about three years running). I also asked why they don’t just get a divorce; she sighted financial reasons, and also claimed that for all his faults, her husband is, in fact, a good father. They supposedly attempted counseling, though I never heard more about that after one or two tries.

Her child left the school to go on to a different district last year, so that kind of helped separate the situation. Still the kids missed each other, and I would regularly get calls and emails asking for play dates. I would kind of blow them off, or we would end up rescheduling. The few times we did get together, the conversation was kept very basic. My child regularly talked about how much she missed her friend, and would beg me to call the Mom and see when we could get together (this still happens pretty frequently). I try and change the topic, not really giving an answer, or say that everybody's busy the next few weekends, not really knowing how to explain the situation.

We went for about four or five months without communicating and I suddenly got a call about two weeks ago. It was a really bad time for me to talk and I never returned the call or sent an email.

And now to convolute the story further, her husband found me on FB this morning, wanting to know how I’ve been, and what’s been going on. Inevitably, he’s going to ask why I haven’t been around and what’s the story. It kills me to know what is going on, yet I feel I have no right (nor do I have any intention) to tell him.

How am I supposed to explain to my kid that I cut off our relationship with this family because of this person’s scruples?

Throwaway email: harriedparent@gmail.com

Search for foreign films about everyday people

crapmatic — Sun, 31 May 2009 02:58:09 -0800

What foreign film titles are there that involve remarkably realistic characters -and- settings as part of the plot and use a contemporary setting? I watched the recent Italian film The Son's Room, and plot aside I found an angle here that I really liked -- the drama of everyday people in another country, with both characters and setting presented with stark realism and minimal music scoring. This made it a surprisingly immersive movie. So I'm wondering what else might fit this theme to show bits of what ordinary life is like in other cultures and countries, short of going down the road of documentaries or reality programs (which is really a totally different genre).

In other words, rather than what foreign films typically offer: lush stylized settings (Amelie), epic events (Journey from the Fall), suspense and crime (The Lives of Others), or older family sagas (Heimat); I'm interested in believable 2000s-era characters in realistic settings faced with whatever problems the plot brings their way. The Finnish The Man Without A Past might be an example, though with that the story probably leans a bit toward the fanciful side.

Examples of US and other English-language films are perfectly fine if they stand out in some way, but I'm a bit more interested in other cultures.

I do concede that this is a hard question for me to frame and I'm a little short on sleep; hopefully I'm making sense.

Please help me find some linguistics posters!

iamkimiam — Thu, 28 May 2009 08:37:07 -0800

Looking to purchase some awesome linguistics-related posters. I've searched for hours on the internet and I can't seem to find any family tree posters, IPA posters, or even anything remotely related to linguistics that is interesting and somewhat academic. It would be cake to find something like the "History of Programming Languages" poster, but for Indo-European languages or some other branch of the world tree. I'm tempted to just make a language tree poster myself, but that'd be a LOT of work.

Also, any ideas to spruce up a giant bulletin board and/or small linguistics 'lab' room are welcome.

When announcing a wedding is more like "breaking the news"

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 19:25:06 -0800

I am getting married on May 12th. How do I break the news to my family? I am engaged to a wonderful man, and at the beginning of February, we finally nailed down the date we want to be married -- May 12th. I have met his extended family, and he mine. Problem: his family loves me and is thrilled about our marriage, mine does not feel the same at all. My family is, at best, unenthusiastic, and at worst, totally opposed.

Considering how unsupportive they have been over these last several months (though I do love them dearly, and don't want to hurt them), how best to tell them I definitely AM getting married, and here is when? The kicker: my fiance and I simply cannot justify to ourselves spending the money on a wedding that could go towards our new home, especially considering that my family has been so negative about the whole thing.

Only my mother and brother live in the immediate area. What is the etiquette in this situation? My fiance and I would like to have a private ceremony and then spend the next week or so settling into our new home (we have already chosen it and gotten the paperwork started). I was thinking of sending out wedding announcements something along the line of: So-and-so and such-and-such will be married in a private ceremony on May 12th, 2009. Please join us on thus-and-such-date for...??? I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I can't let their desire to see me not marry my love control me either. If they all lived in the area, I would love to say "join us for dinner and drinks," or something along those lines, but since everyone besides my mother and brother lives states away, that doesn't seem right. Would it be better for us to perhaps take separate trips to visit our families after the wedding? Please advise on how you would handle this, and I would love to hear anecdotes about similar situations.

Why in (nearly) every sitcom nominally about some kind of "nuclear" family do the children consist of an younger brother and older sister?

feelinglistless — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 13:18:56 -0800

Why in (nearly) every sitcom nominally about some kind of "nuclear" family do the children consist of an younger brother and older sister? They're too numerous to list.

Certainly there's sometimes a variation, but more often than not, it's an additional younger or older sister, an alien, ghost, android or Bigfoot.

Interestingly, often when one or other of the parents is missing through divorce or death, the pattern is reversed or it's an only child (Blossom, My Two Dads).

(I'd be happy for this to be disproved by the way. It's just when you've suffered through the likes of My Family, these things begin to look the same).

Literary Families of Note

fugitivefromchaingang — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 09:44:03 -0800

Literary works that explore traditional and nontraditional (American) families? I teach at a university, and I am planning to propose a course for next year on the subject of traditional and non-traditional families in literature. Essentially what I'd like to explore are the ways in which literature can make the familiar unfamiliar and the unfamiliar familiar - the ways in which apparently traditional families are shown to be anything but, and the ways in which nontraditional literary families are often actually rather traditional.

I'd like to cast as wide a net as possible in searching for appropriate texts for the course. I've already thought of a bunch, but I'm sure there are more I'm not thinking of. I'm looking for American novels, short stories, and memoirs, and "traditional" and "nontraditional" can be interpreted as broadly as you want. Obviously, themes such as marriage, divorce, single-parenthood, adoption, and homosexuality probably need to be present.

Here are some examples (works I've already thought of):
Fun Home by Alison Bechdel
The Wapshot Chronicle by John Cheever
"Fiesta, 1980" by Junot Diaz
"The Cinderella Waltz" by Ann Beattie

Thanks for the help!

Help me with my teenage son

Anonymous — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 19:16:53 -0800

Help me help my troubled son. Here's the scenario. He's sixteen, and two weeks before the end of the school year, he dropped out of high school. This was his sophomore year, and through it and the preceding year he earned a total of 2.5 credits due to his failure to attend classes, turn in his work, or make any kind of effort. This is not an unintelligent boy - he frequently scores in the 99th percentile on intelligence tests and passed the state's high school exit exam on his first try during his freshman year.

Before he dropped out, and against my better judgment, my wife and I allowed him to get his drivers license, hoping that would be enough of an enticement that he would do better in school, the reward for which would be time behind the wheel. He did better for a few weeks, and then went right back to failing grades and skipping class, so I took his car privileges away. Less than a week later, we caught him sneaking back into the house after taking the car during the middle of the night. I was extremely angry and kicked him out of the house for what I saw as car theft, although my wife did not agree with me on this point. A few days later he came back, apologetic, and asked to stay. We agreed that he could, as long as he obeyed the rules of the house. That was about three weeks ago, and he was doing pretty well. His attitude had improved, and he was for the most part getting along with his siblings and us.

Then, this morning at 3:30, my wife discovered he was gone again, with the car, apparently using a spare key he had made in secret.

Needless to say, we are extremely disappointed and angry, and don't know what we can do with him. We can't trust him to obey the rules, and we can't allow him to be out at all hours doing whatever it is he's doing while we're supposed to be responsible for him.

He has expressed interest in the Job Corps program, but I am concerned that his lack of respect for authority and inability to follow rules will only get him into more trouble there, especially since the daily regimen is much more structured and restrictive than the rules we have in our household. On the other hand, if he successfully completes the program, I could see it as being a huge step towards being a responsible adult.

My questions are directed to those who either were like him, or had children like this, and have had experience with Job Corps or similar programs. Did you find that they were beneficial? Did you find later that there was something else you could have done that would have been more beneficial? Is there another course of action we should be considering?

If you wish, you can email me at DadNeedsHelp@gmail.com.

Thanks.

Are there actually more crying toddlers on the subway than ten years ago?

soma lkzx — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 11:23:38 -0800

Help me find a NY Times article claiming that the number of kids in cities has increased over the past ten years! I'm looking for a NY Times article written between 2000 and now that claimed the number of children in cities (maybe just New York?) had increased over the past 10 years. In contrast to the 70s and 80s flights to suburbia, the article claims, city-life and its growing attempts to have child-friendly amenities has attracted young families into staying put in urban areas rather than move to surrounding suburbs. Can anyone find this article? I've found a lot of work disclaiming this argument, so any other articles supporting this claim would also be welcome.

this is for zoomorphic, who is too busy building her fort to read six years of newspapers

Advice for visiting and living in India

bookish — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 17:26:31 -0800

I will be leaving in a month for Jaipur, Rajasthan, to study abroad. I'll spend the spring living with an Indian family, studying international development, and doing an internship at an NGO in or near the city. Afterwards, I may travel around India for a while with a friend. Please give me any and all advice you have about traveling and living in India. I have lots and lots of questions.

I'm a junior in college, studying international health and social issues, and am doing this through the University of Minnesota's Studies in International Development program. I don't yet know anything about the family I will be staying with, or exactly what my internship will entail.

What should I pack for 4-5 months in northern India? What can I buy easiest there, what will I wish I had brought with me? How am I going to want to dress? Jaipur is a pretty big city: is it going to be easy to find stuff like tampons and sunscreen and contact solution? Any books I should read before I go, or bring with me? Should I bring gifts for my host family, and if so, what?

And what about that family thing? It's part of the trip that I both dread and look forward to. What is it like to live with an Indian family? What will they expect of me, as an American coming to live with them? Will they be protective of me, as a young woman in their care? I haven't lived with a "family" since I was sixteen or so; even then it was just my mother and me and our cat. I'm used to a lot of independence and privacy and I have a feeling that this situation will take a lot of getting used to. At the same time, it'll be a great chance to develop a close relationship with some local people. I don't want to accidentally offend or upset them, although I'm sure some minor faux pas are par for the course. Any advice on that front?

What are some things I should make sure to do and see and experience during my time in India, especially considering I'll have some opportunity to travel after the program is over? Where's good to go, in May or June? By then I should be speaking some Hindi, and have a fair bit of experience with Rajasthan. I'm the sort of traveler who likes to just immerse herself in other worlds; I'm more interested in experiencing interesting places and cultures and meeting interesting people than seeing monuments.

Any general advice about living in India, for a non-Indian 21-year-old college girl from the midwest, with very little experience traveling outside the US? I've been interested in India for many years, and I know quite a lot about the country-- but it's a huge and varied and strange country, and there is so much I don't yet know. Rajasthan, or even Jaipur, specific information would be especially lovely.

Don't ask, don't tell, please

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Dec 2005 13:30:46 -0800

I believe my dad is gay (but still in the closet); I'm curious about how other families/children handle this situation. My parents married many years ago; I am their only child. Their marriage "broke" when I was about 6; they didn't divorce until I was in college. Mom and Dad are still extremely close.

We are an eccentic, intellectual, and extremely private family. Emotionally close, but fiercely protective of our own secrets, and each others'. My father is the most guarded of us all; he has never tried to "come out" to us, and I don't believe he wants to, even though Mom & I are about the most open-minded, liberal, tolerant people in the world. She and I know my father's "friend," and have tacitly understood (at least we think we understand) the true nature of their relationship for years.

I'm grown now, and I have no problem with my father's sexuality. The secrecy (and uncertainty) is a bit unnerving, but I respect his right to privacy and to conduct his life as he prefers. I talked about the whole issue with a therapist several years ago, and hardly think about it anymore.

My only area of difficulty lies with other people, specifically my in-laws. They've asked me often whether my father is dating anyone, and my breezy, "I don't know, we don't talk about it" answers have led them straight to the closet door. Recently my MIL asked my husband, "Does anon's Mom or Dad have a new boyfriend?" I know this shouldn't bother me, but the protective child inside just wants to scream, "It's none of your fucking business, bitch!" I'm not ashamed of who my dad is; in fact, it'd almost be easier if he were a rainbow-flag waving leather daddy. But I feel duty-bound to maintain his veil of secrecy, especially to judgemental people like my in-laws, and even if they see right through it.

I'd appreciate hearing about any experiences you've had with similar situations. If you don't want to post here, you can email me at askmeaboutmygaydad@gmail.com.

GiftFilter

jmgorman — Sun, 19 Dec 2004 09:35:51 -0800

My SO and I need gifts for our families. Of course this is really late and we are kinda broke. [+] We moved to a new house in a new city and are experiencing an (adjusted for cost of living) income reduction. Because of the breadth of both of our families we thought it might be more practical to buy gifts for each for all to share on Xmas day (will have to send by mail). My family = 3 brothers + parents, her = sister + mom + new husband. Any Ideas?

What are the must-have Thanksgiving dishes?

obiwanwasabi — Thu, 25 Nov 2004 18:44:36 -0800

We’ll be interstate with my family for Festivus, and so we thought we’d start a new tradition and hold Thanksgiving with my wife’s family as an almost-end-of-year get-together. (stuffing inside…) Minor hitch – Australians don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, and I’ve never been to a Thanksgiving, so I have no idea what to serve apart from turkey and pecan or pumpkin pie. What are the must-have Thanksgiving dishes? I’m especially after sides to accompany said bird. Do you really put marshmallows on mashed sweet potatoes then bake them? Is this a main or a dessert? Are there regional variations for traditional fare? Killer recipes appreciated.

Christmas Plans: which family to visit?

Miss Bitchy Pants — Fri, 19 Nov 2004 09:26:28 -0800

Several months ago, it was agreed that we would visit my family for Christmas. Now the SO has said he'd like to see his daughter. [MI] This will be the first Christmas in about 5 years that we'll travel to be with any relatives at all. The ex-wife has stated that only chance of seeing my step-daughter is by meeting at my mother-in-law's house. Husband is a procrastinator and hasn't yet started discussions to arrange any kind of meeting, and we each have a limited amount of time we can take off from work. With relatives on both sides spread across the country and money being a consideration, we can't visit both. Also, due to workloads, we have only seen his daughter once this year. Am I being a selfish brat for wanting to spend the holidays with my family as previously agreed? Should I just go with the flow and plan a visit to my folks another time?

Family Christmas... with a Twist

oh posey — Mon, 06 Sep 2004 07:36:28 -0800

Let's say you are a 21 year old female, senior in college, with a 23 year old sister who is a grad student. The two of you are quite close but have very different interests. You're into Five-Eight for the moment and she's been into Tim McGraw for about ten years now. You have a steady boyfriend while she spends more time with her friends. Your mom and dad are divorced but that's ok cause they are better apart anyway. Now your mom wants to start her own Christmas tradition that doesn't involve your dad. She wants to take you, your sister, and maybe a couple of friends on a trip every year leaving on Christmas Day or maybe the day after. Her budget is $4000. Any suggestions on how to make everyone at least 90% happy?

Sharing Holidays

jmevius — Wed, 10 Dec 2003 14:23:40 -0800

I'm recently engaged and my fiancée and I are stuck between families. Ideally we could see both sets of family for Christmas but geography rules it out.

How do you handle sharing the holidays with a minimum of stress or hurt feelings? Rotating, where you go to one house on one year and the other house the next year? Split each holiday into halves and see both each year? Any ideas?