Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with failure and fear

Getting Your Creative Motivation Back After A Long Dry Spell?

Anonymous — Tue, 07 May 2013 09:56:30 -0800

I went on a long, long break form my creative career cause I was feeling burnt out due to some failures and now I can't seem to get back into it, possibly because I no longer have a financial incentive to do so. How can I fix this? Warning: Long, super privileged person problems. Back-story: Due to some very lucky sets of circumstances I got to basically retire at 30. If I keep my expenses small and baring some horrible catastrophe, I don't really *have* to work ever again. I can devote all my time to my creative career(s). To celebrate this, I took a six-month break from working.

During this break I wasn't eating bon bons on the couch - I learned how to cook, to clean, to garden, went to the gym five days a week, got boots on the ground involved in politics, I helped friends out with their creative projects, spent a lot of time with my SO, and traveled around the world.

I had a set time to end this "vacation" where I didn't think of or work on anything "important". It passed three months ago. I still can't concentrate on my work. I sit with my brain and go "This is what we are doing now. We are working on THIS now."

And I can't. It's not block, I know what block feels like. It's not depression, I know what that feels like. I know exactly what I have to do and made charts and graphs and research notes for years and then I sit down and a fog descends over me and I can't physically make myself think about what I have to do. It's a complete and total fear response. Just thinking about the work ahead makes me literally start to sweat and want to flee the room.

My last two/three big projects have been flops or didn't perform as well as expected and now people are starting to not return my calls/e-mails. I've had success before, I know I'm not untalented. I know I am good at this. But I'm not getting a lot of ....external validation that I should keep trying now that I no longer *have to* for economic reasons.

What do you do when one of the one things you're really very good at just stops being fun? Like at all? I'm getting a little tight-chested just writing this but I can't take another failure, it takes so much effort for so little reward, and it makes me feel weak and self-involved that I'm hurt so much by professional rejection or lack of recognition.

And then I feel guilty for being such a whiny bitch who has a perfect fucking life and is totally an ideal situation to do whatever they want that people would kill for so buck up, shut up, and just do it. Everyday spent avoiding it is another day wasted.

And then I don't do it and feel worse. I'm terrible with self imposed deadlines cause I know I can ignore them and that makes me feel even worse. All my other successful projects have been contract work, with strict deadlines attached. Now I'm doing mostly spec and it's impossible to visualize the end-game.

So, how do I get myself out of this funk? And it really feels like a funk, like I crashed from the highs of the vacation and now can't will myself out of no matter how I try and chant CBT slogans to myself. How do I get my desire to work back? How can make myself do things I don't *have* to do? Where did my ambition go and how can I get it back?

Knowing Your Limits/Accepting or Mitigating Intellectual Failure

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 15:11:56 -0800

I have a serious problem with being seen to be intellectually 'wrong'. I need ways to get over it I consider myself to be an intelligent, popular guy. I'm a creative thinker, and currently studying for a PhD that I am proud of. I am the kind of person who revels in being right, being clever, understanding the world. As a teacher/tutor I also love to share knowledge with others, and believe that a good teacher is capable of learning from their students.

When I am surrounded by people I respect, in a conversational situation, I have no problems debating, sharing ideas, learning new things because of misunderstandings I've carried around. But in a public forum, confronted by people I don't know personally I suffer from a terrible fear of making a fool of myself.

This sounds run of the mill, right, everyone worries about how they are perceived by others? But it haunts me.

The other day I chaired a discussion between three academics. They were each delivering papers on the work of a specific author, who also happened to be in the audience. After they had delivered their papers it was my job to ask a question that united their work and opened up discussion to the rest of the audience. My question was valid, it felt that way, but I think I delivered it a bit chaotically. In many ways, and this is probably a big part of my problem, what I did was tried to ask a question I didn't have a complete tool-kit to put into words. So although in a conversational mode I could have phrased it right, promoted an interesting discussion, in this one-off situation I ended up tripping a bit. Perhaps I aimed above my ability.

Everyone does this. And I don't judge people who I see do this, but still the event haunts me. It's like I'm carrying it around like a rotten shadow that won't budge. Like a cloud.

This problem will only get more pronounced as I move into academia. I don't fear getting up in front of an audience, I don't fear putting my work out there, what I fear is people wondering "what they hell is he doing there?"

I hate the thought that clever people won't think I am clever.

I fear not being able to justify my words, my actions, my ideas. A lot of academic banter is instant, and has to be precise, articulate. I fear that my fear will only further erode my articulacy in front of others.

How do I get over this? How do I promote a modesty in my self-presentation? How do I assess where I sit in the food-chain of intelligence, and be happy to remain there? be happy to use my abilities without carrying this knot around in my stomach whenever I make a tiny error?

How do I accept that it's ok to not know/understand everything?

How do I change my life from an immature lax kid to a mature responsible man?

Johnkx — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 22:19:11 -0800

I need help with my life especially what's going on with me nowadays. How to defeat my fear of failure? How should I start living a fresh life? How do I actually start? How to defeat my fear of failure?

I listed my fears that really stops me from moving just thinking about it

Fear of failing
fear of getting deported
fear of failing parents

I've been a lax "kid" and now that I'm turning 22, I felt like I just entered the real world and everything just got smacked on my face. I couldn't handle the real world at the moment especially the things that's happening in my life so far. I felt like I was REALLY lucky and now I feel guilty of what I did of the past. Yes it is the past and I should forget it but my past just keeps haunting me with guilt and fear that I couldn't forget it. I'm an immature kid, still immature wanting to grow up to live the real world.

Fear of failing -> I needed an A in my class, If I couldn't get an A there wouldn't be any chance for me to get in the nursing program in my SCHOOL, but I could go to other colleges but the chances are really low. Problem is - I'm not sure if I'm going to get an A since my first test score was a C. I'm about to see a Nursing councilor this thursday and I'm just praying that he has something good to say.

Fear of getting deported -> Like I said, I needed to pass my classes to become an RN and then be petitioned by companies in order to stay (but yea,, I'm kinda failing on that part). What's worse? I'm an international student, I pay 3k a semester (Fall and Spring) so that means 6k a year. My mom's company have problems and she's probably going to lose her job on 2012. Basically I'm their only hope, but their hope is not doing well either, and without her job , my dad's gonna lose his status and lose his job as well -> without their job, I don't have tuition fee for my school -> Without being a nurse I feel like I failed them both. I really felt like they trusted their life to me and failing them means death to me so as of now I'm kind of in a suicide multiple choice question (A. Shoot myself, B. Pretend accident, C. None of the above). I've been told to marry someone and pay them 20k unluckily - i haven't found a single girl who'd accept it, the risk is high but I have no care for my life other than giving my family the status that they needed so I intend to do the risk, just sadly no one wants to do it - and I rather not make a classified ad - but I really HOPE that someday I would be given a chance to become a citizen/immigrant in the US without the illegal stuff, I came here legally, stayed here legally and I want to stay here legally - After that - I could die peacefully.

.
I've been told not to worry, BUT WOW of course I have to worry - if I don't then I think I'd fail some more. I need to be conscious about what's going on with me in order to fix my problem, but my chest just keeps getting heavy and there are moments that I feel like my time stops and I stop breathing - its like my heart stopped beating for a sec feeling. I couldn't take it - I don't want to turn to alcohol nor drugs, Video games have been keeping me for a while but there are times that they don't work anymore.

I'm really not good at following myself, but if anyone else out there have an advice, plan or whatever you got in mind please I need it. I couldn't help myself anymore - I'll take any chance . I haven't stopped thinking about suicide for months and I'm not strong as I used to before. If I don't find hope - I think - for the first time in my life - I quit.

Trying to finally get over distrust of women--Stood up.

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 19:34:36 -0800

I am tremendously distrustful of women. My therapist has encouraged me to try again. I got stood up. I'm not sure what to do. I had a very difficult childhood. My mother had borderline personality disorder. She would be loving one moment and physically and mentally abusive the next. Mostly she threatened to kill herself over and over again. My father did nothing to protect me and was afraid of my mother. She eventually cheated on him and they got divorced, and he only did it when he was threatened, not when me and my brother were abused.

I have worked for 5 years to get better through therapy, with a number of therapists. I have had three real love affairs, all ending in infidelity and most characterized by less than nice treatment by the women I was with (they all begged to get back when I broke up, though).

So I put myself out there. I am good at flirting and met a woman at a neighborhood bar. She really was interested, maybe too interested. I am not sure, I do not trust anyone who appears interested in me. A friend at the bar described her as "throwing herself at me."

Last week I asked her out on short notice (1 day). She called back, took a rain check and said she "really wanted" to go out. This week we had penciled in yesterday (I was the penciller inner, so to speak). I called her yesterday and something had come up and she wanted to text me later to see what would happen after a business meeting. I instead suggested postponing until today. I do not like being strung out and I wanted to avoid that. She said "is that OK?" and I said yes. To make sure I was available today, she said she'd text me. Last night I saw her at another bar much later and she seemed very enthused about going out today.

Today she did not text. I showed up and waited 45 minutes. I texted her after 30, saying "What's up?" I went home. On the way home, I saw that she had called. She left no message but then texted immediately that she was "so sorry" and that she had gone on a day trip and left her phone at home and just got home and that I should ". . . call whenever." On advice of a friend I texted back saying "happens all the time, hope you had a good day, let me know of a better time."

I have not heard back. I was extremely upset when this happened, although she does not know this. I am afraid to try again with her and I am very hurt because I have tried so hard and then to have this happen the first time I put myself out there--it really, really strikes home and hits the very buttons I don't want hit. I don't think I can try again with her. How do I get over this? What do I do if she calls back? How do I learn to trust. I am afraid if I let her go out with me I will get burned and be in a worse place. I've never been stood up before.

How to get over advanced-degree-phobia.

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 07:13:19 -0800

I want to shake my irrational fear of going back to school. It's for my own good! I know, rationally, that getting a master's degree would be a really good idea for me. In terms of where I want to go in my career and life, it's just a smart choice. My employer won't pay for all of it, but they'll pay enough that it won't break the bank even to go to a very good nearby school (it will definitely not be free either...but I can do this, probably without going into debt at all, is my point). However, I just graduated from undergrad recently and my last few terms were so hard that the idea of going back and taking more classes completely freaks me out. I did some ambitious stuff, got burned out, and while I know I should go back I just lose it every time I think about it.

I don't anticipate any upcoming events that will really put a fire under my ass to get an advanced degree. It's just a practical thing for me to do and I have no reason other than fear to wait. In fact, this is a good time to be undergoing academic challenges since the demands of my work are still fairly modest. Furthermore, I know the longer I dilly-dally, the harder it will be to get back into the swing of things, so it's not necessarily now or never - rather now or harder. But the fear is pretty major, to the point where I look at course descriptions, kind of get shaky, and end up spending the rest of the night reading webcomics and humming "School's Out" emphatically to myself.

I know the best way to get over the fear of school is to go take a class, see it's not that bad, and just do general exposure techniques like for any other phobia. But I'll never get there if I keep going like I'm going, because I get to the point of signing up for a class and all these alarms start going off in my head. Alarms that say "Why pay to be back in a classroom, which you hate?!" and "This time you will actually fail miserably instead of just thinking you will and then getting an A-!" and "But you always hate all the other students in your classes, remember?!" and "Look at you, the only girl! You don't belong here and everyone knows it!"

These alarms are very hard to ignore, but my goals require me to ignore them anyway and just do this. How can I drown them out? Better yet, how can I make them go away? Don't recommend therapy, please. I know that if I found the right therapist it would help a lot, but I've wasted too much time on therapy for these kinds of problems with no positive results.

Posted anonymously because I would rather this insanely vulnerable question not be traceable back to me WHEN I eventually do make it back to school. Throwaway account at schoolophobia@gmail.com.

Overcoming fear of success.

Anonymous — Sat, 05 May 2007 23:09:44 -0800

Overcoming fear of success. I deeply want to be successful, yet I seem to fear success almost as much as I fear failure. Towards that end I often find myself doing things that are somewhat self sabataging. For instance, if a job pays well or requires a lot of responsiblity, I'm usually too scared or intimidated to apply for it. I only feel that I'm "worth" the jobs that offer less status and pay.

Another example of my fear of success is a nonprofit idea I had recently. I have gotten feedback from several very knowledgable people who said that it is an excellent idea and that I should put together a business plan and consider applying for some grants. However, I'm terrified to do so! In my family, I was always seen as the immature, unsuccessful one. How could I possibly start my own business?? Even if I did not go very far, I could treat the business plan as a learning opportunity--something to include in my portfolio to show other companies the ideas I have and the type of work I could do. But of course, this would lead to expectations that I would have to meet...and nothing terrifies me more. So my idea is sitting by the wayside.

I also struggle with difficulty defining my goals. I have many, many interests, and consequently find myself expending energy in multiple career directions. Since I never seem to focus on any one thing I pursue multiple endeavors without being particularly successful at any of them. I really believe that if I had better focus and more confidence I could achieve a lot more.

Does anyone have suggestions for overcoming a deeply ingrained fear of success?

To err is human

hadjiboy — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 09:11:56 -0800

What are some of the ways I can use to fight my enormous fear of failure? A bit of background info: I was raised in a house where academic excellence was prized, and although it was said that “it didn’t matter how much I’d get; we’re still going to love you no matter what”, I always had a distinct feeling that the love given was in direct proportion to the marks obtained. So a low score would net you fewer cuddles, if any.
I can still feel the after-effects of this till today. (I have an assessment at work tomorrow, and I’m scared shitless how it’s going to go. Today, I almost didn’t make it to work—I’d worked myself up into such a frenzy. I also have a minor case of Bipolar disorder, for which I’m taking medicine, so I’m not quite sure how that’s affecting me.)

My sincerest thanks to anyone who can give me some practical advice which I can use tomorrow, or a few anecdotes to lessen my shame, and fear.

Don't hold back

Anonymous — Wed, 15 Feb 2006 00:45:32 -0800

How do you learn not to hold back? In several areas of my life, I've found myself holding back despite my best intentions. I really became aware of it when I finally started taking fencing lessons last year, something I'd always wanted to do. I've found that not only am I almost always on the defensive rather than the offensive, but when I actually do attempt an attack I end up pulling back most of the time thinking I won't get through. The points I score are almost always ripostes. I figured that if I went into a bout determined to follow through or attempt an attack even just once, regardless of the outcome, I could start to push past this, but it didn't work. Even consciously thinking about it I can't do it.

The more I thought about it the more I realized this wasn't just a fencing problem. I hold back in conversation, I hold back when I want to try something new, I hold back when I should be asserting myself, I hold back at work, I hold back in relationships, and on and on. I think what I'm most afraid of is failure. I don't want to lose what ground I have, and I don't want to come off looking incompetent or foolish. The end result is that I end up feeling very anxious in one of these situations, and I miss out on opportunities that could have been great if they succeeded. I know most of these things won't matter in 10, 20, 100 years, but in the meantime I feel like I'm keeping myself from fully experiencing life and giving it everything I've got. I've tried to approach some of these things in the same "baby steps" way as my attempts to improve my fencing, but in the heat of the moment I often do the exact same thing I did before.

I have dealt with a couple of major "failures" in my life already (both personal and professional) - things that actually will matter years later, because they changed the course of my entire life. These were very hard for me, but each time I eventually managed to pick myself up and rebuild. I learned a lot from these experiences, and I don't think I'll make the same mistakes again. That said, I still think I failed, and it still bothers me. I know it's ok to fail and that it's even good to fail from time to time (how else are we going to learn anything?), but I haven't managed to internalize it yet.

I want to learn to overcome this. You've all had some great advice for other people, so I thought you might have some tips for me. How have you overcome your fear of failure and/or learned to not hold back? May or may not be relevant: I'm in my late 20's, and I'm already in therapy, diagnosed with major depression, and on medication, and I do discuss this with my therapist. I'm just looking for different perspectives and things that have been useful for other people.