Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with eyecontact

My friend's rant about Vancouver women are actually based on at least a sliver of fact?

porpoise — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 20:42:12 -0800

Walking down an uncrowded/empty street, someone of the opposite sex walking towards you. 10+ paces away, they're usually, or may not (sunglasses, distance), be looking at you (sunglasses, distance), 10 paces away, they look away from your direction, between 1 and 2 paces away, they quickly look to see if you're looking at them... ... in safe neighbourhoods, I don't parse as a credible threat, and I may or may not actually have been looking at them outside of acknowledging that someone is walking down the street towards me (the quick look at 1 or 2 paces is what usually catches my attention).

No, I'm not staring at these people, sure, sometimes I see someone pretty and appreciate but will refrain from staring. I'm usually scanning if I'm somewhere unfamiliar/interesting or tunnel vision if I'm doing, say, a grocery run or going from the bus stop to the lab/home.

I have (my own) pessimistic assumptions, but my question is; do you (as in, the 'they' in the fpp) engage in this behaviour and I am very curious as to the motivation/intended end?

No, I don't by habit turn to look at people's faces laterally as they pass by.

When to make eye contact with people on the street?

rwatson — Sun, 03 May 2009 23:17:42 -0800

When do you make eye contact with people you see on the street or on a trail? I really enjoy making eye contact with and smiling at strangers as I pass them on the street (okay, mostly women, but still). It's even better when they smile back. But I still somehow have a fear of doing this that I would like to get over, and part of it is that I don't think I am timing things right.

I usually don't make eye contact until a split-second before I pass the person. While this occasionally works (in that they will smile back), I often feel that I am being way too timid, and that I am exhibiting a lack of confidence by avoiding them until the last minute, and then suddenly looking at them might just seem weird.

On the other hand, I feel like staring at the person the whole time they are in view would be creepy. There must be a happy medium. How do I find it?

A question for (straight) women about varieties of casual eye contact with semi-strange men

Anonymous — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:30:28 -0800

A question, especially for straight women, about varieties of casual eye contact with semi-strange men: At campus, a large workplace or other site with lots of people you see fairly often, most of whom you don't end up acquainting with, to what extent do subtle (or less subtle) differences in how men make passing eye contact affect your impression of them?

I'm not necessarily even talking about overt flirting here, but rather of being at all approachable in the first place, particularly to women who might understandably be wary of drawing attention from men who they don't know but are going to have to see every day, even if they, upon first hint of a smile, turn out to be awkward creeps (disclaimer: I've at least been one).

I do, occasionally, make such unspoken friendly connections with strange women, and then it's a lot more fun and easy to actually flirt and chat up than it is without, even when there otherwise is obvious mutual physical attraction. However, I have hardly a clue of why this happens at times, and doesn't at others. I want to know a) if it really is a matter of variations in eye contact (what else could it be?) and b) if it is, what exactly are the details that make the difference!

Thanks a bunch, I know you'll make my day :)

Help Me Look You In The Eyes

Waitwhat — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 10:01:33 -0800

My mom has trouble looking people in the eye for some reason and I'm just now realizing that I picked up the same habit from her. I'm in my late 20s. I'm not a painfully shy person nor am I socially inept, I just have trouble looking people in the eye. If feel uncomfortable doing so and people have started to comment on it. What can I do to break myself of the habit and start looking people in the eye.

Help me understand human behaviour

ssg — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 05:49:41 -0800

How can I better understand social cues? I am looking primarily for books and other resources to better understand social cues, but I also welcome direct responses.

I find it difficult to interact with others socially. I think that part of my problem is that I have difficulty understanding other's social cues and sending appropriate signals myself. I've noticed this deficit mainly with contextual cues, but I'm sure I say inappropriate things as well.

For example, I don't make eye contact when I should and when I do make eye contact, I don't know how long to hold it for. I find it difficult to determine the appropriate moment to start speaking, especially in a conversation with more than one other person and I don't seem to signal others properly that I am about to speak. I'm unsure what sort of expression I should have on my face when listening to someone and so I tend to default to a blank expression. Although I probably don't notice most of the time, I can sometimes see that I am somehow making others uncomfortable.

I've found a lot of self-help books that deal with what to say when conversing with a relative stranger, how to make small talk, and so on, but haven't found much that deals with the contextual cues in detail. If I had something like a field guide to these cues, I think I'd be able to identify them in others and eventually use them myself, but at the moment, I don't even know what to look for.

Stare into my eyes

oldlies — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 15:44:09 -0800

Why do animals make eye contact with humans? Dogs and cats always maintain prolonged eye contact with me. How do some animals know that eye contact establishes a special connection with a human? Why don't they stare at any other part of my body?

Why are you talking at me?

allkindsoftime — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 04:30:39 -0800

Please help me kill my introversion before it kills my relationships. (standard apologies for the length)

One weekend a couple of years back, I had a good college friend come and visit me at my place in NYC. I remember on that Saturday we made no plans, didn't go anywhere, just opened up the windows and door to the deck and enjoyed the nice weather. She read a book and journaled, I surfed the internet and cleaned my desk. We went for hours at a time without saying anything to each other. I often think of this as one of the most pleasant days of my life - having somebody there with me but the both of us actively pursuing our own activities, not feeling much need for words.

People don't seem to get me. I'm an introvert, and unfortunately for a long time have been trying to live like I wasn't one, which seemed to work well enough for maybe the past 5 years. I had my problems here and there, but I got by - landed the better jobs, got the promotion, had good friends, was enjoying life. During this period I rarely dated and never had a serious relationship, not so much for lack of opportunity as just a lack of interest.

Recently I made a major move to a new city (in a new country), and in particular have struggled with two individuals: a subordinate I manage on my work project that brought me here, and a colleague on another project nearby who I have been spending a few weekends traveling with. In both circumstances, I have extremely upset these people, the first in the work environment and the second in the travel / leisure environment, due to my lack of effort at open, direct communication. Both of them, actually, were upset by the same situation - when I picked up my book for an hour or more and just read without saying anything. Was I supposed to warn them I was going to read instead of chat? This kind of blows my mind - that things like this which seem so insignificant to me could lead to total relationship meltdown.

Things I have trouble with:

1) Eye contact. When talking to either of the aforementioned about specifics, I find it incredibly hard to maintain eye contact, regardless of the environment or topic at hand. I have absolutely no trouble with eye contact with strangers, my close friends, a girl I'm interested in, or acquaintances that I have little dealing with. It seems to be more in relationships that are forced upon me by circumstance (i.e. work colleagues, etc.).

2) Small talk. I pretty much hate this with anyone. I like to get to the point, I don't want to comment on the weather or your day yesterday or other uninteresting information. I know this is rude and inconsiderate, but how do I change myself to actually be interested in hearing someone talk about these things?

3) Verbalizing my thoughts. If I don't have anything to say, I usually remain quiet. I realize that some people need more explanation about what I'm thinking / feeling / etc., but even given this realization I find it very hard to remember / force myself to actually say things that I really don't think need to be said. This sometimes pours over into not verbalizing things that I do think need to be said, because an atmosphere of tense silence has already been created, and because I'm fairly comfortable with it, so why rock the boat?

I often prefer to communicate via email / IM - writing feels important to me - I have my thoughts there in a format that is clear and easy to reference, and it allows no one to bend what I've said. That said, I think I sometimes rely to heavily on this when I should be saying things verbally.

How do I change? I realize there are parts of this that are just who I am, but if who I am makes other people miserable, I believe I have to change that. I suppose "get thee to therapy" is the logical response but I don't really have that option at the moment (on reduced salary with limited benefits in a country I'm not from). What I am looking for are practical habits I can look to develop, tips/tricks I can pick up, ways to be a warmer person that can help others understand where I am coming from, etc..

It seems like most of the popular stuff out there regarding introversion is focused on helping everyone else understand us (see here, here, and here). That's all well and good and I wish they would, but its a hell of a lot easier to change myself than it is to change everyone else.

But it helps when training gorillas

gsteff — Mon, 07 Aug 2006 08:13:12 -0800

How long do you maintain eye contact? In one-on-one conversations, I tend to maintain eye contact for 5-6 seconds at a time, which means I'm usually the first to break it off. It doesn't make me that uncomfortable, but the back of my brain worries that by maintaining it too long, I might be making my partner uncomfortable, leading me to break it off frequently as an indicator of deference or politeness. Obviously, this can be overdone though, and I wonder whether always taking the initiative in breaking it itself makes others feel awkward.

So, in situations where there aren't any convenient distractions to give you both something else to look at, how long do you typically maintain eye contact? Also, does it vary with your partner's gender? A la this discussion, I'm warier of making females uncomfortable than males and wonder whether most females (in non-romantic, everyday situations) read deference in eye contact as a sign of politeness or a sign of nervousness.

Self-help to deal with my social problems?

saraswati — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 19:02:51 -0800

Is there a self-help book to help me cope better in social situations? Are there any self-help books that can help me hold conversation better? I feel uncomfortable with people I'm not close to and have problems maintaining eye contact. I think it's becoming a real problem for me and I'd like to deal with it ideally without therapy. Can anyone suggest any methods to help me, preferably ones that aren't scams? Thanks