Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with exgirlfriend

Friendship with past loves during current loves.

Askiba — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:36:15 -0800

Is it OK to regularly hang out with one of your past girlfriends while dating someone else? I am actually asking this question on the behalf of a very good friend. I've been trying to help with the issue at hand for days but I finally decided that I could use some supplemental knowledge from the hive mind. Searches returned nothing (but probably because I am terrible at trawling the AskMe archive. related links highly appreciated). Here is the tale, names used but changed, all for clarity. And safety, of course.

A good friend of mine, 'Steve', has been dating another good friend of mine, 'Sally'. Steve met Sally when I introduced him to her about one year ago. They began to date four months ago. In general they've had a pretty regular relationship, no nasty fights or near-breakups. However what I'm getting into for the purposes of this question is starting to boil over.

Steve is a well rounded guy- not much to speak of in terms of personality or other problems, at least relative to the questions at hand. Steve has a regular circle of friends that he has known for years, much longer then Sally. One of these close friends is a girl named 'Suzy'. Steve went out with Suzy for a year or so, back a couple of years ago. It didn't work out. It wasn't so severe of a breakup, obviously-- they're still best friends.

Sally is nice as well. However, she has anxiety and has panic attacks. She also lacks a good share of confidence. In the terms of the relationship it doesn't translate well. She has trouble asking him out to dates, talking about feelings and the like-- in fact, I had to help her earlier this year in revealing some of her deeper feelings for Steve. She's very self conscious in general. A lot of the relationship's weakest links are based on some of this worry. Since she has trouble asking him on dates her plans are often beaten to the punch. By the time she gets around to asking for a weekend date Steve might sometimes already have plans with friends like me or Suzy. And, that leads into this problem:

Sally has a problem with Steve hanging out with his ex-girlfriend on a regular basis. I haven't been able to figure out quite why- although it seems to me that to a lot of women (at least, close to Sally), this is a pretty popular opinion. Me and my male friends, we could care less about the topic- in general it wouldn't concern us if our girlfriends still hung out with past loves.

Steve has absolutely no romantic interest in Suzy, nor the other way around, as far as both parties have told me. So that's the first thing I need- is this socially acceptable? If not what is wrong with it? Potential for cheating, etc?

Sally's behavior is starting to hinge on erratic regarding this- Steve is seriously concerned. I'm not even able to talk to Sally, one of my best friends, rationally-- any attempts at helping or analyzing the situation are deflected by a simple "you wouldn't get it!". The problem escalated because Steve plans to hang out with Suzy and several friends on a weekend trip very soon.

He won't break up with her quite yet, but he's not happy with it in general and it is making the relationship strained. He has no plans to leave Suzy or his friends behind. So there's the second bit: He wants a peaceful resolution that leaves both his relationships, romantic and not, intact. That's where I'm stuck.

Footnote and etc.: you're working with high school age teenagers and their brains here. Plan and suit accordingly for someone in that area, freedom and experience level. Thank you.

Of course, I will provide additional information as well. Just ask if I have been vague.

Meeting the ex?

Anonymous — Sat, 30 May 2009 18:59:40 -0800

Tips for meeting the ex girlfriend? I have been seeing a guy for a while now, though we're not at the point where I would say that we're in a monogamous relationship-- which is fine with me, as we're having fun and taking it easy.

I have always been aware of his ex, who lives in a different city but has family and lots of friends in ours. Although their relationship ended several years ago, they are still best friends. I have heard through the grapevine that, though she is in a relationship now herself, she is pretty jealous of the guy I'm seeing and protective of him.

I am going to a party where I know I will meet her for the first time. She knows all about me and has expressed discomfort (to both her ex and mutual friends) with meeting me. I know that this talk COULD be considered controlling or unhealthily jealous, but I know all too well how it feels to see your ex with new person, and I totally get where she's coming from. BTW, I am friends/acquaintances with many people at the party, but there will be a lot of people there she has known for years.

I really want things to go smoothly, and I'd even like to be able to friends with her as she sounds really cool. Plus, she's an important friend to the guy I'm seeing. Any tips for making a positive impression, diffusion tension and awkwardness, and having a good time?

Three's a crowd: my BF, his ex, and I

December — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 11:14:42 -0800

Should I forgive his secretive contact with his ex-girlfriend? So...in my continuing involuntary quest to accumulate the worst dating experiences ever:

I was at work with my Sig Other last weekend, when another coworker approached him in front of me and asked him about his girlfriend, clearly not referring to me. Sig Other stumbled a bit and explained they had broken up a while back, to which Co-worker said, "What? I just saw you two together last week!" Sig Other replied, "Uh, that was just for that one time."

This is the point at which I started to feel like shit.

The full story: they dated for 2.5 years, they lived together for a few months, ending last May (we began dating in late June/early July). He broke things off with her. Their last physical encounter was in February but they apparently lived together for a bit after breaking up until she found a place to live in another city. Since then, she calls every few weeks and they go out for drinks or dinner every four to six weeks-ish. Sig Other acknowledged that she kept trying to stay living with him to continue the relationship, which he didn't want to do. So there's history of her hanging onto him.

Bonus: she doesn't know about me. I didn't know about their phone calls or outings, and the crazy thing is, I'd've been at peace with them if he'd've told me about them beforehand. But to inadvertently find out from a coworker is just...humiliating.

He says: she initiates the contact, he does not. He says they are simply friends and there has been no physical contact between them since February, although she did stay overnight at his home in August (in a separate bedroom) when her sister came to visit his city with her kids for a tourist weekend. (Don't get me started.) Since that happened very early on in our dating history - about a month after we started dating - I think I'll give him a pass on that one.

His history: Sig Other has Nice Guy Syndrome. Can't say no because he feels guilty about breaking up with her, is trying to let her down gently, thinks he is being nice by randomly meeting up with her. I say this is bullshit and that by continuing to meet with her, he's giving her false hope and he's disrespecting me, particularly by not telling her about my existence. He did not tell me about her, he says, because he's had jealous girlfriends in the past and was worried I'd flip out and break up with him even though there is nothing going on between them. Well, I wouldn't have flipped out had he told me about her as I'm not so much the jealous type. But now I'm fuckin' mad/hurt about the lying and omissions.

The current status: he wants to continue seeing me and wants me to forgive him. He has apologized and agreed to cut contact with her altogether. He has told me he will answer any questions I have about her and I've made full use of that. Although I'm insanely pissed, I do give him props for coming clean with me (e.g., admitting she stayed with him overnight, acknowledging how often they're in contact, as well as acknowledging he did "what was easiest" for him in this whole situation - e.g., being secretive so as not to start a fight with me). Theoretically, he could've lied and told me he hadn't seen her since last spring, but he didn't.

Here's the problem: I love him. I do want to make this work, but not at the risk of my soul being sucked out. I'm no doormat, but I'm also a fairly forgiving person. And I do believe him when he says nothing's going on with her physically, it's more the lying that eats at me.

Am I insane for even considering forgiving him? Has anyone been through this before and is this just a full blown sack of lies? Can trust be rebuilt after something like this?

Any other thoughts/advice relevant to this cluster appreciated.

Communicating with the Ex

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 18:39:13 -0800

Relationshipfilter: How frequently is too frequently to talk to the ex? Adam and Eve have been dating for six months. They are extremely happy with each other. Adam works three hours away, so it is a long distance relationship. Eve is still in school, so she cannot move closer to Adam. Adam works long hours which makes communication difficult. Before they started dating, Adam had previously dated another girl, Sarah. Sarah and Adam dated for seven months after he had chased her for three years. Adam has said that he and was obsessed with her for about a total of four years--while chasing her, while dating her, and for a brief period afterward. Sarah broke up with Adam in January, five months before Adam began dating Eve. Sarah broke up with Adam abruptly, “breaking his heart”, in order to have casual sex with other people. Adam now insists that he is completely over her and just wants to be friends. Adam has sent emails to Sarah over the last few months, exchanging as many as 20 in a three week period. Until there was a situation this past week in which Adam had to tell Eve that he was emailing Sarah, Eve was unaware of their on-going communication.

Adam does not discuss with Sarah the fact that he has been dating Eve, since that (1) they are Facebook friends so she has probably seen his relationship status, (2) it is awkward to discuss new girlfriends with ex-girlfriends, and (3) he does not want to give Sarah the impression that he is trying to make her jealous. He says that has mentioned Eve in at least one email to Sarah. This all makes Eve very uncomfortable, jealous, and anxious. Eve wants Adam to stop all regular communication with Sarah.

Who is out of line?
Adam wants to remain friends with Sarah because he has invested so much time into their relationship/friendship. Eve wants them to stop communicating (at least as frequently as they have been) as it makes her uncomfortable and nervous.

Possible options:
Adam stops all communication with Sarah.
Adam lets Eve see all the emails between himself and Sarah.
Adam limits emails to Sarah to X times a month. (1, 2, 5, etc?)

*This question was written by both Adam and Eve and it was intentionally kept as neutral as possible. The facts are the facts.

*posted anonymously because our mefi handles are known by friends IRL.

if you need/want to email: throwawaymcfakerson@gmail.com

Loves me, wants him. (Friends with too many benefits)

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 14:07:53 -0800

How do you move past loving someone who is no longer in love with you? (assuming time and space apart are difficult?) or deal with you love for them until they're ready for you? As briefly as possible: I dated my housemate, and then a while later broke up with her due to a difficult period in my life, we still lived together and quickly became very close friends, but then moved into a 'very close friends with dating benefits'.

A year later we're still living together having moved house to a new place, and living as though we were in a committed relationship (opps, I forgot we'd broken up). She has gotten a new man in her life, however she still sleeps (sex)/sleeps (just that)/showers/shares/everything with me as though nothing was different. Because he is out of town it hadn't bothered me as I was sure when we were ready it would just happen again.

She's now told me that she still has feelings for me and loves me (as a 'very close' friend) but really likes this new guy (apparently the things we do together are just what very close friends do), and perhaps in the future we could try again.
I've now realised this is (possibly) just emotional manipulation from her to keep me around as her comfort person, since we share so much of our possessions and emotional support. The new guy lives across the country and they see each other on and off every few months, so she's not getting it from him. Given he is moving to our city in a few weeks to stay for a while I realise I cant stay in this 'relationship'.

How do I move on from this whilst still retaining respect for her, and for myself? Moving out of the house is difficult for numerous reasons, and I realise it's the best method but want some alternative advice for now.

What kind of conversations should I be having with her to find out her true feelings on this? (She avoids emotionally direct conversations as it makes her insecure, and I come off as dominating and too full on when I do try and express my feelings and intentions, and I also mince what I was going to say). Rationale for this question: I ask her how she feels about me and she says "I care about you deeply, and I still have feelings for you but I like Other_Guy", then later something completely the opposite will come out about how much she likes me. It seems everytime I ask her a question I leave escape clauses where she can say "but I want you to stay with me forever" etc etc.

Is she dragging this out hoping I wont pack my bags and leave?

Is hanging around for someone you truely love worth it? Or is the emotional destruction and torment going to leave me as damaged goods when (if ever) she says she does want me?

Anecdotal advice or experiences are appreciated. Hope this isn't too open ended and chatfilter.

Feelings for the ex?

Anonymous — Mon, 18 Sep 2006 17:50:01 -0800

To what extent is it okay/normal to have feelings for one's ex? What if you're in a new, very serious, relationship? Things ended with the ex in question not so much because of a lack of passion but because we were simply incompatible in everyway pertaining to life in the real world. In a vacuum, we would have been fine. We had several aborted attempts at reconciliation, which always started out secretly, one-on-one (i.e., in a vacuum) but soon became unbearable when we have to face reality.

Now I am in a wonderful relationship that works very well in terms of reality, but isn't always as passionate (what real relationship is?) as the one I had with my ex.

From time to time (quite often, actually), I think of my ex, just as I often thought of him before one of our ill-fated attempts. I know that I am being unrealistic, and that even if I were single, I would not to be with him. Still, I can't shake the reoccuring thought (which has reoccured since I met him 5 years ago) that I am "in love" with him. I have reason to believe that he still have similar feelings for me.

I am also in love with my S.O., but it's different, comfortable, much realer than odd feelings I have for the ex.

Is this healthy? How can I make it stop?

How to politely tell ex-girlfriends to stop contacting me?

buddha9090 — Wed, 10 May 2006 06:57:46 -0800

How do you phrase a letter politely to let an ex (or whomever) know that you no longer want to be contacted by them? No bitterness, no hurt - just the expression of the preference that you would prefer all future contact to cease? I get emails or text messages every now and then from ex-girlfriends, which I would prefer not to receive. I've gone the ignore them and they'll go away route, but they continue -- I don't want to be bitter or mean, would just like to inform the writers/texters that I would like them to stop. Suggestions?