Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with exes

Is it reasonable to want my money back?

Pomo — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 11:19:38 -0800

My ex-partner owes me about two grand. Should I walk away from it? We split on poor terms a couple years ago because Partner became infatuated with another person and wouldn't cut off contact, so I left. However, we kept in reasonably frequent contact and now chat by text or email every month or two. I don't think Partner is a bad person and don't want the money out of vindication.

However, I don't see why I should have to eat such a sum, when I was the wronged party here. During our relationship I paid for all household expenses besides rent, which was split, and did all of the cleaning and day-to-day house running that becomes necessary when two people live together. I did this because I loved Partner and because Partner's income was far less than mine and because Partner was horrible at managing life's little to-dos so I picked up the slack. I am NOT trying to get back any of the money I paid over that two years of cohabitation for household expenses, dinners out, etc. I'm just looking for the amount that I explicitly loaned to help Partner with personal debt.

The twist is that while Partner acknowledges the debt and in theory intends to pay, Partner has been off work for over a year and is not making any real efforts to find a new job. I see from Facebook that Partner is still enjoying an active social life with vacations, nights on the town, and such, so it seems unfair that some of that money (wherever it's coming from) can't go back to me.

I make more than enough to be comfortable. Two thousand dollars does not make a dent in my financial situation. Nevertheless, I would rather have it back!

Is this reasonable? How do I push it without seeming like a jerk? Should I at least wait til Partner finds some gainful employment? Ask Partner to get a loan from his family to square away my debt?

Is continuing to sleep with an ex ever not a bad idea?

krakenattack — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 16:01:54 -0800

TL;DR: The guy I'm dating non-exclusively is still sleeping with his ex. I can't decide if this is a red flag or not. For the record, I have been the one insisting we keep things open. I''m hoping the good folks of Ask.Me can help me out with a conundrum I can't seem to sort through on my own. I apologize if this gets overly complicated.

I (mid-20s female) have been dating a man (mid-20s male) for about a month now. I like him, and I know he likes me a lot; I've been trying to take things slowly because I have a long sordid history of jumping way too quickly into new relationships, and because I went through a serious break-up back in November and am very much not ready for something serious right now.

We see each other 2-3 times a week, go out, sleep over, etc. We have talked about other partners (I'm seeing other people as well, though not currently sleeping with any of them) and I know he sees his ex about once a week - he described it as a friends-with-benefits type thing. They dated for two years, lived together for some of that time, and she left him for someone else after lying about it for a while and broke his heart. They still have mutual friends and see each other through them as well, and as far as I can tell they've not taken a significant amount of time off from seeing each other/sleeping together.

I asked him if he would ever get back together with her: he said no, because he could never trust her again after her lies/betrayal; he then followed it up with "besides, she's madly in love with her boyfriend" which is what kind of threw me off. He's also mentioned previously that he doesn't think they (the ex and her new beau) are very good for each other, and I can sense some residual bitterness regarding the whole thing.

I suppose the problem I'm having is twofold:

-First of all, I think I'm worried that he'd never be able to really fall in love with someone else if he's still carrying some kind of torch for his ex. I don't know that he is, and maybe I ought to just trust what he tells me, but I can't help being a bit wary after my own recent heartbreak.

-Secondly, I'm not even totally sure how I feel about this guy; a lot of the time I really, really like him, and could imagine something serious developing further down the road, and other times it just feels kind of off and like we're not quite clicking the way I have with previous partners. I definitely want to give this thing time, and I'm content with him meanwhile, but:
a) I don't know if my ambivalence indicates that I shouldn't bring this potentially quite touchy subject up with him until I've a better idea of how I feel and/or
b) if our "not clicking" is because I'm holding back with him as I know his ex is still in the picture to some degree and I would very much like to avoid being hurt in this situation.

Too sum up in question form:

Is this even any of my business?
Should I attempt to bring this up with him, and if so, how?
Are there other potential warning signs I should look for that might indicate he still wants her back?

Extra bonus question:

Is all of this nonsense an indication that I should give up on open relationships and just ask for exclusivity? I really like dating/kissing other people but so far I haven't really managed to be sexual with more than one person concurrently.

Footnotes:

-Until recently I was still sleeping with my ex, so it's not like I don't understand the temptation, but I stopped seeing him when I realized whatever spark we had was gone.
-I know new guy is sleeping with one or two other people on occasion as well, and that doesn't bother me. Just the ex.
-I know he really likes me, for example he's suggested we make plans for a concert several months away, has wanted to see me more often but I've purposely kept it to 2 dates a week, etc.

Like the old Twinkie mystery, but with sex.

MarchHare — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 04:37:04 -0800

Got a message out of the blue on a social network the other day from an ex; mentioned it to my partner (we're both big believers in transparency when it comes to random messages from exes) and we're each taking a different read from the message, so we figured we'd turn to the hivemind for input. The message reads as follows (with edits to protect privacy and resist googlability): "Hey, Had a vivid dream last night about you and the good 'ol days! We sure had some fun! (winking smiley face emoticon). Thought I'd just say hi and hope you're doing well! Hope (city) is treating you like you deserved; are you still working in (industry)? Tell me about your wonderful partner and family!"

Now, I take that as read. The ex and I did used to have a lot of fun, and this sounds like someone who is just reaching out at random to an old flame they've not spoken to in a while, hoping they're doing okay.

My girlfriend, however, thinks the presence of a winking smiley indicates that this must've been a particularly sexy dream, which makes this rather different from just a friendly 'hi'. She posits that it reads as someone whose relationship is on the rocks and is looking back to past partners and 'fishing for potential leads', so to speak. I'd normally say that's a stretch, but of her many talents, one of them is a seriously decent gut feel for what turn out to be awkward situations and/or sketchy individuals.

If it was someone else's ex, I'd happily defer to her gut feel, but I'm really hoping she's wrong in this case. The ex in question and I broke it off because she still had feelings for her previous boyfriend, with whom she'd been with for several years, wanted to give it one last shot, and they've been together ever since. I've no hard feelings there; we parted well, I genuinely want her to be happy, and I think the experiences of that relationship helped to make me the person my girlfriend loves today. And the idea that my ex might be falling out with the guy she chased happiness with makes me just a little sad.

So, do you think my girlfriend's radar is so highly tuned it's picking up on signs that aren't there, or am I just oblivious and/or predisposed to see what I'm wanting to see?

Should I continue to push for a relationship between my husband and his son?

getyourlife — Sun, 21 Oct 2012 19:08:11 -0800

Should I continue to try to have a relationship with my husband's son from his ex-wife? This is long, so, sorry in advance. My husband of 20+ years & I have known each other since junior high. We dated during our senior year of high school, went to our senior prom and everything. I broke up with him because I was going away to college and didn't want to have a long distance relationship. He told me he'd wait for me. Fast forward to a couple of weeks after we graduated from h.s. and I find out he enlisted in the military. He didn't tell me, I found out after speaking to his mom. I was upset that after professing his undying love for me he didn't even call to say goodbye. Several months later he wrote me telling me he missed me and how he'd like to have someone to write home to while he was away. I was still upset with him and ignored his letter. Some months later I find out from a mutual friend that he and a girl that was now a senior at the h.s. we'd just graduated from, were getting married. I was really shocked and hurt because of his "I'll wait for you" comment.

Anyway, I wrote him wishing him well and good luck in his new life. He and the girl got married, had a child, and had filed for divorce before I ran into him at a random, crowded place 2 years later. I had ZERO contact with him before running into him. We rekindled our relationship. However, now he had an infant son and was a single dad. His ex had abandoned their child while he was on military assignment. Her family was caring for the baby until he returned and took over. He lived with his soon to be ex in-laws while he worked a crappy job trying to make ends meet. One day he got a call from his ex wife's mother saying to come get the baby or he'd be sold on the black market. They also asked him to move out. He had nowhere to go. He and his ex wife decided to put the baby up for adoption. A family that cared for the baby during the day adopted him.

My now husband and I were married a couple of years after he was divorced and have been together ever since. I should say that his ex wife was intimidated by me and the torch she thought my h carried for me. He told me they fought about it while they were married. Anyway, after the adoption was finalized we moved on with our lives, we had children of our own, moved away, we did not keep track of the son they put up for adoption. My husband felt it would be too painful for him and the child and he wanted the child to look for him when he was ready to have an adult relationship. My husband's ex wife tracked me down several years ago asking if my husband wanted to have a relationship with their son. She told me she reconnected with him when he turned 18 and they were very close. She claimed to have told the son that everything that had happened was her fault. She also said their son was upset that his father never tried to contact him through the years.

I immediately told my husband and he reached out to their son. Initially the son never responded. A couple more years past and a couple more ignored e-mails from my husband, before I contacted his ex via e-mail to ask what was up. She wrote me back and flip flopped saying the son never asked about his father and if my husband "tried" their son would respond. My husband e-mailed again and now there was a response. A couple of years have passed and my husband and our children see the son whenever we go back to visit our home town, which happens at least 3-4 times a years. However, when we aren't there I feel like we don't exist to him. I recently friended him on facebook, he accepted my request. I was surprised when he actually wished me happy birthday recently. I thanked him and told him I hoped he was ok, he said he was. I have commented on a couple of his statuses and he's liked my comments. He just posted that he got accepted into a tough college program that his biological mom (my husband's ex) had really been pushing for him to get in. I commented wishing him congratulations, from all of us (his bio dad and half sibs.) About 15 minutes after that his bio mom (my husband's ex) commented about how proud she is of him and reminding him of what they spoke about the other day and how she loved him. Her comment was right under mine. I took that as a warning to me that she is "here".

Later on in the day, I noticed he'd deleted my comment and liked hers! I was shocked. The times I've spent with him have been pleasant. I feel like I am wasting mine, my husband's and our children's time hoping that we will ever have a real family relationship with him. I feel like his bio mom thinks I stop my husband from talking to her. When I e-mailed her trying to figure things out a couple of years ago she said she wanted to talk to my husband about "their son". I told my husband, he said they had nothing to talk about since their son was 21 at the time and had been raised by someone else, what was there to talk about.

How should we proceed? I really had to restrain myself from saying something I'd regret when I saw he went to the trouble to delete my comment. Am I naive to think that since he never tries to reach out to my husband he is just checking a box when he spends time with us? Any suggestions about how to handle this is appreciated.

Long distance relationship with unattractive boyfriend who knows too many people from my past

lilacp — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 13:45:13 -0800

How do I get over the fact that people find my boyfriend unattractive, how can my boyfriend and I make our long-distance relationship more romantic and interesting, and how do I deal with/get over the fact that he knows people from my past that I wish I didn't ever have to run into? Hi, guys. First time posting a question. Well, three questions.

I'm dating a wonderful guy. He's a nice person... a bit of a busy schedule, a little cocky, okay body, and I am okay with his looks, but I just feel like I can't flaunt him. When my friends see him, they act surprised that I'm dating him. I know, this is so shallow :( but I'm just wondering how I can get over it and truly, truly understand that it's not about what others think, but about me and him. I've always dated attractive guys and am considered very attractive myself. I think he'd look a little better if he brought out certain features, maybe grew a beard, maybe switched his ordinary glasses for a sexier pair, thankfully his fashion sense is more than okay, but I am afraid to bring this up to him because it might seem like I want to change him.

Secondly...it's a long-distance relationship, and I'm starting to get restless about the lack of romance. Aside from daily phone calls and texts, I don't feel like I'm in a relationship. In my opinion, since we can't see each other every day, we should be able to do things to fill that gap, so to speak. It's getting to the point where I'm not feeling loved, etc etc. How do I broach this subject, what exactly do I say, and what are some suggestions for making it more interesting? My love languages are quality time and words of affirmation, so I don't even know why the heck I feel bad that all I ever get in the mail is bills.

Finally, in the past, I got involved in friendships that ended in a lot of hurt. I moved on, or so I thought, but then realized that my boyfriend is close or acquainted to and/or in touch with many of these people, including two of my exes. I am thinking that I might have to interact with these people, e.g. he might want to invite some of them to our wedding if we get married. Actually I'm also thinking that if these friends and exes see him, they'll be surprised that HE was the one I ended up with.

It might help to add that:

- I'm pretty blunt and I'm still learning how to speak tactfully;
- I'm in my late 20s, he's in his 30s;
- We're planning to end the distance in a few more months.

Makeout Romance to Friend Zone--Do I go to party now?

LemonGardot — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 22:43:00 -0800

Should I go to a party even though I've been downgraded to "friend zone"? Hi MeFi, I need your wisdom once again. Brevity is not one of my strength, but here goes:
Background: me: SWF/28yo, him: SWM/27yo

I met "Nick" three years ago through a friend. We immediately were attracted to each other, went on a few dates, and hung out about 8 times. NOTHING ever happened between us save for the drunk makeout session we shared the night we met. Otherwise, hugs were as physical as we got. He's a pretty shy dude, and introverted. I am typically the opposite but tend to turn into a more quiet, reserved, innocent girl-next-door type when I'm around him (which I like). Anyway, I was kind of confused by the lack of physical moving forward, but relegated our relationship to "friends", which I was ok with at the end because he was a really cool dude and fun to hang out with.

Since this was the case, I ended up dating other people, and eventually got into a two-year relationship (which just ended April 2012) with a different dude. During my relationship, two things happened: 1. I moved to Boston, 500 miles away from my home, where I'd met Nick, and 2. I didn't talk to Nick throughout my 2-year relationship with the other dude, just because our paths never crossed, save for the occasional email and Xmas card. But again, we were JUST friends, and that was ok with me. My initial attraction feelings had dissipated into happy friendly platonic-ness.

Fast forward to now: I came back home from Boston for the summer before I start grad school in the fall. I'd sent Nick a quick email saying we should grab a drink. Excited as always to hear from me, he agreed, but we ended up going to a 14-inning baseball game and then dinner...and three days after that we went on a 5 hour hike and then he made me dinner. After dinner we got to talking and he finally revealed that he's liked me since we met three years ago and constantly talked about me to friends and family. He said he was "really disappointed that nothing had ever happened between us" and would have like to date me "for a long time". Even though he had these feelings for me, he also had mentioned that he'd been in three relationships in the past two years while I'd been in my own 2-year relationship, but he still thought of me and wished we had been more than friends. I confronted him about why he had never told me this before and he said that he thought I'd put him in friend zone from the beginning. I told him I thought he'd done the same thing to me, and then we both cursed destiny, timing, and misunderstandings. He also mentioned that I "intimidate him" (I don't know if that's necessary to the story or not). Time check, this was three week ago, at then end of June 2012.

Flattered and elated by all that news, I realized that the initial feelings I'd had towards him in the beginning when we met were still there. I was still super attracted to him, and really wanted to take a next step. Anyway, we did a lot of makeout that night. Just makeout, but it was pretty awesome. I was really psyched about everything.

A week later, we hung out again for the whole day. That night, we ended up having sex which we both agreed was a result of three years of built-up attraction and tension between us (though some residual Catholic guilt built up on my part...and even though we've known each other for three years...it felt like we were moving a bit too fast). But, the sex was awesome, and kissing him was awesome, and it was just really cool that timing was really working for me this time. He said he'd miss me when I left, and I was pretty sure that this whole idyllic summer romance was in the bag.

I had to get back to Boston at the end of June for a wedding and wasn't sure when I'd end up back where Nick was but immediately noted in my head that I wanted it to be soon. Trying to play it cool, though, I didn't give him an exact date, but just said I'd let him know when I was back in town. He had invited me a party and I'd been bummed that I didn't think I could go because I'd be back in Boston. ANyway, fast forward....that party is THIS SATURDAY...so...it will be about two weeks since we had sex. During these past two weeks, I went back to Boston for the wedding, and then took a quick out-of-the-country trip. I returned to "home"/Nick without telling him I was back home, and was SUPER psyched that I could go to the party. I mean, this guy was great! We had awesome chemistry, it was great to finally be a bit more intimate with this dude I'd had SUCH a crush on, and overall he's just great to be around, so I was so excited to be able to go to this party and spend more time with him in a more social situation with his friends, etc.

I get back from out of country and text him that I'm actually home and can come to his party. After some aloof back and forth texting from him, I get this text: "I have to tell you, though, that we have to go back to friend zone. Real friend zone. I feel weird saying that." Confused, I called him for answers.

Apparently....:
The day we had sex, we'd had a really great conversation about what we'd both been up to the past two years, and I told him that I had been in a relationship, and he told me he'd been in three (didn't specify seriousness). It was a casual conversation without much substance, but it was nice to hear what he'd been up to since we'd hardly spoken since I'd moved. THREE DAYS AFTER WE'D HAD THIS CONVERSATION (and had sex), one of his fucking ex girlfriends that he'd dated 1.5-2 yeras ago got in touch with him, they had dinner, and now he didn't want to be "talking to two people at once, or messing around with two people at once". I mean, god bless the guy for his honesty but SERIOUSLY??? So...you like me for THREE YEARS, and then an ex comes prancing back into your life who you dated WHILE YOU LIKED ME and then our idyllic summer romance is back into friend zone??

I mean, granted, I know this is a little crazy thinking on my part. I mean, I live in Boston...I'll be in grad school in Boston. He lives 500 miles away from Boston. I'm not looking for a LDR and neither is he, but I thought we could at least have some more hot and heavy makeout sessions while I lived "home"/where he is for the summer! But, alas, this post isn't about whether or not I'm thinking crazy. Instead, here's my question:

So, I want to go to this party. But then I don't want to. Part of me wants to show the "I still want to be friends with you/this shit is water rolling off my back/I'm mature enough to handle this" side of me, while the other part of me doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me again. When I mentioned, very dramatically, "well, if I come to party, I guess I'll see you Saturday. If I don't come to your party...well, I don't know if I'll ever see you again in the near future...good luck with your life", he said that he was really sad that I thought about it that was and that it sounded "disastrous" the way I'd said it. I vacillate between "I can do this" and "Fuck you, man".

Time check: All of this has happened from about June 20, 2012-now, July 14, 2012.

Anyway, MeFi. I'm sorry for this stupid novel but...do I go to this party? OMG I forgot to mention!!! Ex-gf is "out of town" and therefore will NOT be at party. I won't know anyone else besides Nick and maaaaybe his roommate I met once. I'd most likely also drag my sister along if you all vote "yes! go!". Hells no would I go to this thing alone.

As always, thank you thank you thank you.

How to preserve my friendship with an ex now that I'm involved with a new person?

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Jun 2012 11:30:12 -0800

We dated for quite a while, but it didn't work out and we've ended up as good friends. But now I'm entering a serious relationship for the first time since it ended, and the shift in my attention seems to be rattling her. How can I handle this gracefully? Sorry, this is going to be long. But because I'm submitting anonymously and can't clarify things later, I'm trying to be complete up front.

I was emerging from the shadow of a painful divorce when I met A(nn). It was far enough behind me that I felt past the rebound stage and ready for a real relationship, but I hadn't been in one yet. We started dating and I liked Ann. I enjoyed her company, we shared interests, we had a good time together, and we were affectionate and supportive of each other. But my feelings never developed into real love. Nonetheless, we dated for almost a year.

I stayed that long because I wasn't sure I trusted that lack of stronger feeling given what I'd been through. I liked her. She was good to me and I needed that in my life. And I thought my feelings might grow if I was patient with my rebooting heart. Eventually I realized that it wasn't happening. I also knew her feelings for me were stronger, and I wasn't doing her any favors by letting her get more deeply involved when I knew it wasn't going further. So I broke up with her, saying that I thought we had a really good friendship and we should keep that even if that was all it was. This would be a little over a year ago.

And we have become really good friends since then. We talk often, do things together, grab dinner, and so on. It does sound kind of like dating, actually, but has stayed purely platonic. I'd estimate we see each other two, maybe three times a month. I value her friendship for myself, but I think part of it for me is also guilt about effectively stringing her along for a year. She's also in a sort of chronic career/financial crisis, perpetually a couple months from finally finishing a doctoral thesis that's always stressing her out, has faced family medical crises, and lives in a city where she doesn't really have that much of a support network. Basically, she needs a good friend and I want to be there for her. It's not like I can't use a good friend too.

About six months after we broke up, I dipped my toe in the dating pool again. What's followed has been a lot of first dates, and a few subsequent ones, but nothing's gotten serious. Ann is aware of this, and has been quite supportive, even taking it upon herself to overhaul my wardrobe. She herself has not been dating, though she keeps saying she's going to as soon as the thesis is done, and occasionally mentions that some guy flirted with her.

So that was the status quo, until B(eth) came along. Beth and I have been seeing each other for about a month now. Other people I was in that first date stage with sort of faded away and I haven't looked for others. It's still a new thing and I don't know where it will go, but I've hidden my online profile and we've started talking exclusivity. Basically, this looks like my first real relationship since Ann.

Ann's been generally aware of this dating ebb and flow, mainly in a "what'd you do this weekend?" "went to a show," "oh, with X?" "yeah," kind of way. I don't specifically inform her of my dating schedule. But as she's noticed that X increasingly equals Beth, she seems to be a bit rattled. She's mentioned a couple times that what I ought to be doing is keeping three dating partners in rotation. I ignored that, but then came something that was harder to ignore.

Ann called to ask if I was free for an outing on Saturday. I wouldn't mind doing something with her, but I wanted to check with Beth first and see what our weekend plans were, so my answer was that I didn't know yet. She asked if I actually had something on the calendar and I admitted I didn't. She was definitely put out by this. Her response was along the lines of "so some temporary woman is more important than me." Where we left it was that I'd get back to her within a day and let her know. But the exchange has me worried.

I'm getting the sense that Ann still has proprietary feelings toward me. She could play along with me dating other people as long as it was casual, and didn't threaten her share of my attention. But now that Beth has come along, with whom my goal is to not be "temporary," she's having issues. I'm moving into a place where I feel Beth has first claim on my time now, and that hasn't happened before.

I don't want to hurt Ann, and I do value her friendship and want to maintain it. But part of me worries that, by sticking around and being such a close friend, by effectively maintaining pretty much everything about our relationship except the romantic and physical parts, I've sort of enabled her to never quite completely break it off with me.

So my basic question is how do I handle this transition with some modicum of grace? And I guess the deeper one is, by trying to be a good friend to Ann, am I actually keeping her from moving on and ultimately hurting her more than I'm helping?

Was this behaviour inappropriate?

Anonymous — Wed, 06 Jun 2012 07:30:59 -0800

Some twenty years ago, I fell pregnant and had an abortion. Now my former partner has contacted me wanting to know more details. The sentences above say it all, really. It was an unplanned and very much unwanted pregnancy. My then-partner and I agreed that we did not want to have a child. I arranged the abortion with my doctor (thankfully safe and legal where we lived), my then-partner drove me to the clinic and brought me home again afterwards. We broke up a few months later.

Just to clarify: While I am not exactly happy to have had an abortion, I have never regretted it. Since then I have married and had two very much wanted children, and my experience of giving birth and being a mother has only made me even more pro-choice than I was before.

The former partner and I were in touch off and on for a while (we lived in quite a small town), but I hadn't heard from him for at least ten years. I now live in another country. Last week he sent me an email. He must have had a hell of a time tracking me down: we have no acquaintances in common any more and I have a very common name, making me hard to Google. He found me through my work website (which includes my photo) and sent an email to my work address, stating tersely that he needed information and would I tell him the date of the abortion. No further details other than commenting that I looked well (from the photo) and making a comment about my work's website.

I am shocked by how much this email has unsettled and angered me. My sister said to me, "Well he has a right to know; it was his baby too." Well, yeah - but he was there! I feel somehow as if society (extrapolating wildly from one person's opinion here) sees me as somehow forever responsible for supplying him with any and all information he needs about the event. Even though he was there at the time. (For the record, I have no idea when it was. I didn't exactly write it in my birthday book.)

My question is: Is his request normal and understandable? Is my response to it over-the-top? (While I acknowledge that feelings are feelings, I'm curious to know whether this whole situation is as outrageous as it seems to me or whether it's actually not that unusual to email someone at work out of the blue asking for the date they had an abortion.) Does the fact that he was the father of the unborn child somehow give him the right to do this? Do I owe him something? Why might he think that I did?

Obviously nobody here can help me see into his head, but I am determined not to engage with him on this because it seems to be such a blatant attempt to get my attention. Although - I can't see any reason why he would WANT to get my attention.

(My husband knows about the situation and is supportive of me but understandably dismissive of my ex, who behaved very badly at the time of the abortion.)

Am I being overly sensitive about an ex visiting my blog?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 May 2012 12:02:19 -0800

Someone I dated years ago obsessively visits my blogs and leaves messages. The messages aren't threatening, but they're starting to annoy me. Can I do anything about it? Should I? I'll call this person Ali. Ali and I dated casually for less than a year. This was many years ago. I broke up with Ali because I wasn't into them as much as they were into me. Since then, for years, Ali has consistently visited my blog and found ways of popping back into my life, including leaving comments on blog posts/emailing multiple times/following me on twitter under an alias. (Ali also moved into my large urban neighborhood for a few years, but that might have been coincidental, and though it annoyed me it didn't set off alarms.)

Lately Ali's visits to my blog are growing more frequent, and now they're leaving "messages" to me via the search function. (I have stopped allowing comments on my blog, but if you type something into the search box, I see it in my site analytics.) Like I said above, the messages are not threatening, but they're creepy and annoying and insulting. (For anonymity's sake, I'm not going to get into the content of the "messages")

I'm trying to figure out what to do. Here's the options I've come up with:

1) I could just ignore what Ali's doing, but it's hard to do when I want to look at my site traffic.
2) I could block Ali's IP address on my site stats, so that when they visit/leave messages, I can't tell. But the paranoid part of me is worried that if Ali gets even more obsessed or threatening, don't I want to know it? This has been going on for a long time without me doing anything to encourage it. I have doubts Ali will just "go away". It's been many, many years already.
3) There is something in my state law about cyber harassment. I'm not sure whether what they're doing falls under that, but TBH I'm starting to feel harassed. I know where Ali works, and have their email address (as well as the contact info for the higher ups in their company). I could email Ali with a link to the state law and tell them to knock it off with the messages or I'll let HR and IT know what they're doing all day long on their work computer.

Other notes: I have taken screen captures of Ali's activity to document visits, "messages" etc. Because of the content of the messages and the IP address, I have no question that it's Ali doing this. I can't do an htaccess redirect for Ali's IP because this is a site on a blog hosting service, not my own domain.

Pragmatic me knows that I choose to have an online presence and I have no control over who visits my blog. But every time I check my stats and see Ali's repeat visits or one of their weird search "messages", I get anxious and depressed. And having those feelings is giving me a warped view on the whole thing. Also every time I think about it, it's distracting me from work and making me not want to write anymore, which is the worst part of all.

I need the AskMe hivemind to give me some perspective. Thanks in advance.

I broke up with him years ago, but we stayed friends for the dog.

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 16:20:47 -0800

Please help me to break up with someone I've already broken up with. Let's call my ex-fiancee "Jed". Jed and I dated for four years, we lived together for three. Our breakup was amicable, we both knew it was coming and when I left it was not a surprise to anybody. We said we'd remain friends.

He kept the house and everything in it. I kept the few belongings I brought to the relationship (I moved in with him pretty much straight out of college and didn't have much). The only thing I took with me was the dog.

When we were together, it took me two and a half years to convince Jed to get a dog. Finally, finally, finally he agreed and I found my beloved dog, "Chicken", at the local animal shelter. Jed liked the dog okay at first, and then he totally fell in love with her.

When Jed and I ended things, we agreed that he would have "visitation" with Chicken. This worked out well for both of us: my job was demanding and, living alone, I had a lot less time for Chicken. He was unemployed for much of the next year (wound up losing the house, tough times) and Chicken kept him company during his tough times. He fell into a depression, and I know (from living with the man) that having Chicken around helped him a great deal. Just having a reason to get up and walk around the neighborhood helped him a ton. I'm glad that Chicken could do that for him. I was also glad that he was a free pet-sitter for Chicken during my busy work times.

It has been three years since Jed and I broke up. I have moved to a city three hours away, and I took Chicken with me. I still have friends in the old city, and sometimes I will ask Jed if he'd like Chicken to come over for the weekend that I am there. Jed always enthusiastically accepts. When I pick Chicken up, Jed is all smiles and gushing over how much fun they had and how much he loves her. Chicken ADORES him, as well. The two of them are definitely a pair.

Well...I'm starting to grow weary of all of this. I live far away. I have a new life. I want to move on. At first I thought that remaining friends with Jed would be okay, but now I'm starting to wish we'd just had a complete cut-off. Then you add in the fact that he and Chicken are BFFs, and I know that having Chicken around helps him immensely (and me, when I want to go on vacation and don't have to pay out the nose for a kennel). But she's like my kid, and I know that Jed sees her like that as well. Divorced parents can't just say "Well, I want Kid full-time so say goodbye". The thought of telling Jed to say goodbye to Chicken just tears me up inside. I still care about his well-being, even if I don't love him anymore.

I feel stuck. I want to be done with Jed and move on. I want to have Chicken with me all the time. She's MY dog. I pay for everything (I paid for her, all vet visits, I even buy all the food and send food with her when she stays at Jed's place). I don't really want to be friends with Jed anymore. I don't even want to be friendLY with him. I just want to move on.

On the other hand, I feel horribly guilty even considering cutting her out of his life. He's been through some real tough times and I know that she's been good for him. And she loves him.

What do I do? Should I break up with him for good and cut Chicken out of his life? How can I tell him this? has anyone else ever had a Pet Custody Situation that they wanted to bring to an end?

Am I completely nuts for getting into this situation in the first place?

Am I completely nuts for being such a chicken (haha) about cutting things off?

The longest cat and mouse game

GIRLesq — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 21:24:13 -0800

He's not over his ex. I suppose I just have to go away and wait to see if he ever pursues me... In high school, a good 20 years ago, there was a boy who was always pursuing me but I just never was available. Years passed and he would pop back up (just before he married he phoned to ask me if there would ever be a chance ... I said I was moving and it seemed unlikely ... They divorced within a year). A few months ago he tracked me down. This time, he was set to marry the mother of his 3 year old child, she ran off with another man. They've been apart about 6 months.

For whatever reason, the timing for me is right. I am crazy about him. We went on a few dates, and then he goes on for 3 hours about the baby's mother. I listened and was supportive and then said he should have some professional counseling and call me when he thinks he's ready to date. Of course, after a couple of weeks he wanted to spend time together as friends, I agreed. Of course, we were all over each other and I had to re-commit to not seeing him and told him so. He reluctantly accepted.

I guess I already know the answer is that I just can't see him or speak to him frequently. I don't want to be second string or a rebound and he is so clearly deeply fixated on the ex. I don't want to let another long span of time pass but I can't think of any way to finally turn this 25 year cat-and-mouse relationship into something real permanent.

I have no choice but to just get on with my life right? I can't call, I can't see him (even if he asks)?

Walking away?

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 18:09:02 -0800

I think I need to tell my ex-FWB that I can't hang out with him anymore. I do, right? How do I... do that? We were friends, and then we started hanging out alone and drinking, and then we started hooking up, and then he said he couldn't anymore ("timing"). I said that I was okay with that, we were out of contact for a week, and then we started up with the hanging out alone and drinking again (at his instigation). And, oh, we also live really near each other and have some mutual friends and common activities that mean we'll see each other occasionally in group settings, indefinitely.

Long story short, I've realized that I'm not okay with it. I have strong feelings for him. I have fun while we're hanging out, and then come home alone and feel miserable.

I'm assuming that if he felt the same way about me, he wouldn't have called off whatever we had going, and I really don't want to be the girl who waits around forever waiting for a guy to change his mind. But I think that he honestly thinks that I'm okay with going back to being friends (and why wouldn't he-- I said I was). I should tell him that I need to cut contact for a while, right? But... how? Every time I've started a conversation like this, it's been after tons of drama that made it pretty obvious to both of us that we shouldn't be around each other anymore. In this case, everything's been totally smooth on the surface. Just ignoring his calls sounds mean. I don't even know how to initiate a talk like this. Do I wait for the next time he calls and say "I need to talk to you"? Take the initiative myself? Or is going AWOL the better option? If you have experience in productive tie-cutting conversations/actions, please hope me.

When is it okay to keep the baggage in the bag?

Anonymous — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 13:36:04 -0800

Should I tell my (potential) new boyfriend about my marriage and divorce? Or can I keep this secret like I want to? I have been dating a guy for almost 2 months, and we are getting to the relationship stage. Neither of us were looking for a relationship, but it seems to be heading in that direction. This is the first guy I've actually thought about getting serious with for a few years... since my ex.

I am 26 now, and married and divorced. I got married at 22, divorced at 23. My ex was someone I had been good friends with for 3 years, and then we started dating while we were long distance (opposite coasts of the U.S.). The relationship progressed very fast, and I look back on it as poor decision-making on my part. We were living on opposite coasts, and neither of us would be able to move for at least a year, probably more like 3. We said "I love you" less than a week into the relationship. We got engaged 2 months in (and only the second time we'd been in the same physical location since being together). The next time we saw each other (a month later) was in Vegas to get married. We talked every day, texted constantly, always knew what the other was doing, etc.

When we decided to get married, it kind of started as a joke but then became serious. We decided to get married because we wanted to be together, but were going to be physically apart, and didn't think people would understand if we got married and didn't live together. So we secretly married in Vegas. In my family, only my parents new. A few people from work new. He didn't tell his family at all (they never got told -- they thought we were engaged). Since the divorce, I have told a couple of my cousins, but the majority of my family really thinks we were just engaged. People from my Church know, because I told them after we got married. I'm not as involved in my Church currently, but I have some close family friends from the church and any boyfriend I have will surely meet them and run the risk of hearing about my ex.

The relationship with my ex went bad very quickly. He became verbally abusive and really thought I was trying to somehow do him in. He had an abusive mother (who passed away before I met him) and equated me in the "wife" capacity to his dead mother, so any slight disagreement or difference in ideas, any small problem I had at work or bad point in my day, got blown up into this huge, emotional argument. Finally he came out and said he wanted a divorce, and this went through relatively quickly. The divorce was filed about a year after we got married, and was official 6 months later.

The moment I realized he was serious about the divorce, I was wretchedly heartbroken. In a sense that I couldn't breathe and had physical pangs in my chest. I'd been broken up with before, but this time was so incredibly potent. Right, so back on topic :)

Since the divorce, I first had to get over my hurt. This was, for the first time, really hard for me, but it happened. I still have a hard time trusting men (oh, did I mention that my ex told me explicitly how he cheated on me, and blamed me for it?), but it's a lot easier. My lack of trust generally translates into not caring too much. None of the guys I dated I really had a deep connection with. Some were nice, some weren't, some didn't call me again, whatever. I actually got to the point where I decided not to look for a relationship because I'm so busy with school. (Also, as a note, going back to school was the best antidote for my broken heart. Focusing on making ME happy and pursuing my dreams has really made me the happiest I've been since even years before the ex.) So, my life right now is really about me and following my dreams. I've been kind of "if the right guy comes along, great! If not, oh well."

And then we come to Current Guy. I'm not in some kind of "omigod he's Mr. Right!" state or anything, but he is Really Great. I immediately felt a connection to him (a "spark" I guess). Things have just kind of... felt right. He's also in school, so it's a pretty low pressure relationship. Yet, we still end up seeing each other pretty much every weekend (except when we've been OOT). Our "let's hang out for drinks" end up turning into staying over and sleeping in kind of dates. And I feel like I'm opening up to him and can trust him. It doesn't bother me to not text him or hear from him for a day or 2 -- partly because we're both so busy with school, but also because we're not trying to start a relationship.

But a relationship is exactly where this seems to be going. I'm really not just reading into things because I want a relationship here, either :) I don't care to share specifics, but from things we've said it's clear that it's going that way. And it seems right, too. It just has that "this seems right" vibe.

So here's the thing: my ex-husband is a fairly Big Secret. When I talk about him, I call him my ex-fiance. I think of him like that. I really wish I hadn't gotten married.

But it happened, it's this semi-secret, and what do I do with it now? I really don't want to tell my Current Guy about my ex, but I fear that a) I should and b) he would eventually happen upon the information independently. The really big reason I don't want to tell him about the ex is because I really seem like the crazy, rushing-into-things girl when I tell the story. It was a crazy-obsessive-compulsive type of relationship, and for him to understand the whole thing (like, yes, I was married, but no, most people don't know, but yes, you might run into some people who do know)... OhMiGod does that just seem complicated.

So how and when is it appropriate to tell him? We haven't had the "exes" talk yet, and we haven't met each other's family yet. He may meet some of my family soonish, as one relative is going to be in town. I feel like it's too early in the relationship to tell him about this guy, but if he asks me, I don't want to lie to him. Is there a way I can tell the story without seeming like a Crazy Chic? Or can I just veer off the topic if exes comes up... like "oh, exes, why do you want to talk about those?" I have generally avoided asking him about his exes (both because of mine and because I'm trying to keep the relationship slow, because a slow relationship is the only kind I can deal with anymore).

Did I make a mistake in how I handled this?

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 09:31:11 -0800

Help me understand my boyfriend's reaction to this relationship issue. While you're at it, help me figure out mine. I'm desperate. I've spent a lot of time Googling the hell out of this, searching for advice, which lead me here. Apparently things are bad enough that I'm willing to pay to ask a bunch of strangers. Anonymous in case he reads this site.

I tried to make this short, but there's a lot of info.

My boyfriend's ex is back, and I'm concerned. Hear me out, though. They dated many, many years ago. At the time, she was taken. She was going to break up with her boyfriend, but kept putting it off. She finally said she'd done it, but she was lying. She dumped him, and went back to her boyfriend. They agreed they couldn't be friends, mainly because of the boyfriend. Her boyfriend forgave her, and now they're married with children

Now all of a sudden she's back in the picture. She got in touch with him and admitted that she didn't know why (maybe something to do with the fact that two of her own exes showed up recently professing to still have feelings for her?) and she wasn't sure what she wanted from him at this point. Oh, and her husband doesn't know they're talking again, because my boyfriend is still a sore subject with him, and she knows he wouldn't approve. Not cool.

My guy agrees it's a red flag, and has suggested she tells him. But they're still talking, and I'm struggling to understand. He's open to being her friend again, despite the fact that her husband wouldn't approve. As long as he knows.

I have some reservations, though. Among them, her history of lying, cheating, and crossing boundaries in her friendships. In his words, she goes beyond the boundaries of friendship and makes guys fall in love with her. I thought these were legit concerns, but I wanted to make sure I went about it in the right way. I wanted him to know I wasn't telling him what to do, or acting out of spite. I stayed calm and told him that it seemed like there was a good chance she was looking for more than friendship with him, and that I was a little worried about her history of ignoring boundaries. That I trusted him, but her track record isn't exactly clean.

He didn't see it that way, exactly. He thought that I should be okay with it because he told me if anything happened he would say no. And then? Give her a chance to prove she could control herself around him, he said.

So, even if she made it clear she still had feelings for him, or if she actually tried something, he would still want to be her friend? Yes, he would. I was upset, and he told me I as being too sensitive and obsessing over hypothetical situations. Then he said he felt like I was trying to guilt trip him into not talking to her, which was exactly what I was trying to avoid! All I wanted was to be heard, but he wouldn't even acknowledge my feelings. Instead of addressing the fact that I had a problem with it, he just kept insisting I shouldn't.

At this point I started questioning things. Like, was I really being too sensitive about this? What does it mean that he's willing to ignore any red flags for the possibility of fostering a friendship with a woman who hasn't been part of his life for years? Why is chance to reconnect with her really so important. She must be pretty important to him. And similarly, what does it say that he was so ready to dismiss any fears that I had, without even addressing them first?

The next day he said he'd given it a lot of thought, and decided that I was right, after all. That he was only fighting me because I was pushing so hard for him to see my side. Honestly, I'm not sure he's not just saying this to put an end to the discussion. It's obvious she's important to him and I'm not going to understand that. If anything, I feel like I've put him in the position where he's even less likely to be up front with me.

I keep thinking I've really hurt our relationship, but all I did was express myself. Am I out of line here? It's not as if I accused him of anything, or demanded he take my side. I was calm and rational when I explained myself. I just want him to be happy, but now I'm miserable.

Am I being totally unreasonable here, or is this something to be concerned about?

If it matters, we've been dating for a little over a year, and it's serious.

Boyfriend reconnecting with an ex, good or bad idea?

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 18:32:44 -0800

My boyfriend is catching up with an old girlfriend and I want to be okay with it. They broke up like ten years ago (he was the other man in a very messy situation). They were friends before, but after they cut ties. Now she's emailed him to apologize for being such a bitch back then, and they're "catching up". I want to be okay with this, but past apologizing, I can't see the point. Do they want to be friends again? And why? After so long they're different people leading different lives. Why reach out after all this time? It seems disrespectful to her husband and to me, the girlfriend, to try to rekindle a relationship with a foremer flame. Once I've broken up with someone I generally want to move on and see no reason to try to relive the past. Maybe they're different? I just don't want to come off as jealous or controlling, so should I ignore it and let them reconnect?

Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday

momochan — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 18:19:42 -0800

What would be a good poem/saying/verse for a little boy of 8 to read at the wedding of his dad? Mom is trying to help but is stumped. A friend has been given the task to help her son write something for her ex's husband's wedding. The ex and she are on good terms, and she wants to help but it is hard to get an 8 year old to write something like this. I suggested a poem and looked through previous questions- but couldn't find something appropriate for a little boy.

How do I get my engaged ex to leave me alone?

anotheraccount — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 21:56:55 -0800

My engaged, passive-aggressive ex continues to contact me, and I continue to let him. Help me cut him off for good. Long-time reader, first-time caller here. I'm almost 25 and have had one serious relationship, with my first and only love. We dated for a year late in my college career; there was instant and overwhelming chemistry, but I was inexperienced and he was dealing with a lot of unresolved childhood traumas that led to a lot of passive-aggressive behavior. We formally split in 2007, but were on and off for three years after that. Last fall, he started seeing someone new; last weekend (during my sister's wedding, ugh), he told me that they are engaged to be married next year.

Here's the thing: in all of this time, there have been periods (the longest have been about three months) where we have gone without contact. But for the most part, he contacts me at least a few times a week if not everyday. It's always in the form of text messages or e-mails. Most of the time, they're in the same "language" that we used when we were dating, and they're in regards to some common interest we have. We didn't speak from February until May, when he started e-mailing me at least once a day about my favorite baseball team. When I asked him if he was going to keep doing this, his response was "Probably."

I try to ignore them. I send all of his texts and e-mails to trash... and then I check the trash to see if he's written. Sometimes I reply, sometimes I don't, but the messages keep on coming. It used to be kind of cute and would often be a way for us to rekindle whatever was between us. Now it's just skeezy. He's engaged and he's e-mailing me four times a day? It makes me uncomfortable.

So, MeFi:
1) What the heck does this guy get out of sending me these things?
2) More importantly, how do I make them stop for good and/or how do I get myself to ignore them for good? In the past, I've gotten angry and told him to stop; they resume months later. I've ignored them; they resume months later. For awhile I resigned myself to the fact that he and I will stay in touch forever. Now with this engagement that doesn't sit well with me at all. I just keep thinking of his poor fiancee who has no idea that her betrothed is e-mailing his ex several times a day, for whatever reason.

Bonus skeeze factor: she went to the same small college that I did, and we were all at an alumni event last fall. The ex talked to me before his new girlfriend arrived and then he didn't even introduce me to her!

Is she really over him?

Anonymous — Mon, 30 May 2011 08:01:56 -0800

Why does my girlfriend still mention her ex-boyfriend and the life they shared together? Background
We have been dating for about four months. Prior to that, I was single for six months—my ex left for Europe and never came back (we had been together for four years). My girlfriend was single for three months before we met and started dating. She was with a manipulative, lazy, and jealous guy with a whiny temper when things didn't go his way for two and a half years. She lived with him in his house that he owned for two years of the relationship. At this time she was in graduate school and he was working full-time making significantly more money than I ever will given my career. She maintained a garden at his place and they had dogs. He kept everything in the breakup, etc. He regularly checked and read her email, SMS, and Facebook. She changed all of her passwords immediately after breaking up with him. They were not engaged. All of her family and his family were well-acquainted, and they all live very near to one another. He lives 15 minutes away from both of us, and his parents and her parents all live no more than 30 minutes from us. She frequently runs into his family and extended family, despite the fact that we live in a big city. One of my girlfriend’s best friends is her ex-boyfriend’s cousin.

And now
We are both in our late 20s with careers, have post-graduate degrees, and are employed full-time. We usually spend the night together, either at my place or hers, but we maintain our own apartments intentionally. Outside of this complaint, the relationship is perfect. We are reciprocal in every way, we usually eat breakfast and dinner together, we take turns cooking and cleaning, and we talk about any differences of opinion or taste that come up. I’m really easy-going and she can be pretty intense, but we find a happy medium. We live about 10 minutes away from one another. We both work out and are active—we rarely sit in front of our laptops or the TV at home. We pick out and read the same books before bed so we can talk about them.

However…
Not a day goes by on which she doesn’t refer to her ex-boyfriend or the life they shared together. Whether it’s about “our” dogs or “my” garden (our=she and her ex and my=his, since the garden was at his house), or places they would go, things he would never do (laundry, dishes, take care of the dogs, etc), she always mentions it. Usually it is in response to something that I have done, such as unexpectedly doing the dishes, bringing her flowers, or tidying up her apartment. She has described him as obese, mean, and dressing like a schlub.

I do not speak about my exes. Happily for her, they live either in Europe or far away now and will never come back to our state, let alone to our region. I do not use Facebook and have no contact with them at all.

A test
For 15 days I kept a tally of how many times she mentioned her ex/past-life with him. It was over 100 times, mostly on the weekends, which is when we see one another the most. She talks about “our” dogs the most (again, our refers to her and her ex-boyfriend, not me). I am acutely allergic to cats and have no interest in dogs, although I would be willing to get allergy shots now and then if it would make her happy to have a pet and have told her so.

Most recently
We visited her best friend in a neighboring city for the long weekend. It was a blast and I loved getting to meet someone who has known her for most of her life…however they both talked about their ex-boyfriends, at length, in front of me. My girlfriend even accidentally referred to me as “Simon” (her ex-boyfriend and my name doesn’t begin with an S) a few times in conversation both to her friend and to me.

My reaction
I say nothing and do not react at all when she mentions her ex or her past life with him. I do not avoid subjects that might cause her to bring him up, but I do make a point not to engage her when she brings those things up. It is my way of passively ending the conversation without coming off as jealous or upset.

I have been cheated on once, but I was young and foolish and ignored glaring signs. My most recent previous relationship ended due to forces largely out of our control and amicably. Is it foolish of me to stop noticing these remarks and reminiscing on her part? Am I ignoring signs that perhaps someone with more dating experience might not?

Contact: vksteaua@gmail.com

Abandon ship, once and for all, or fight for what I have?

fignewton — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 09:16:56 -0800

Seven months ago I cheated on my partner. Six months ago I came clean to him. Three months ago we broke up. This past week we have begun to spend some time together, and I feel like we both reached a breakthrough last night. Am I crazy to have this renewed faith in/willingness to work for our love? Do I need to finally let it go? Much more inside. Nearly three months ago, I officially broke up with the first and only true love I've ever experienced. Our relationship had been on the rocks for three months before that; I had cheated on him and confessed to him. This caused a great deal of strain and stress to the both of us. We did reach an amicable chord of forgiveness, but I broke up with him because I was afraid we were too incompatible (and I had too many personal problems to work on) to be together. We parted ways in a friendly manner . . .

This past week he and I have been spending some time together. (Yes, we even hooked up.) At first I was worried that we were just spiraling back into our old habits, but we shared a lengthy, enlightening conversation last night. We opened up to each other in a beautiful way. We talked about our relationship -- the good times and the bad times. I opened up to him; he opened up to me. It felt like a catharsis. It felt really good.

We talked about what we want with our futures. We talked about how our break-up made us feel like the rug had been swept up from beneath our feet. We talked about our hopes and our dreams. What's so remarkable is that we have such similar life-goals. We both want to travel. We both want to settle down somewhere small and laid-back, possibly outside of the States. We both want to live a simple life and create a family and a home together.

We both wondered aloud why we're no longer together in a half-joking kind of way.

We talked about how we've been the past three months. We essentially feel the same way. We've both tried seeing other people, but we're both still preoccupied by the half-hope of reuniting with each other. (When things ended, we were about to move in together. We were about to get very serious.) There are parts of us that want to come back together with a renewed dedication and make things work.

I feel like a fire within my heart has been relit and it is awesome to behold. This fire wants to grow and burn brightly. It wants me to do whatever it takes to win him back and pick up where we should have never left off. This fire makes me feel confident that we are MEANT to be together.

Now Hivemind, I realize that perhaps I am being brash. Perhaps I should have never recontacted the ex. Perhaps I should try to move on. But if we are not meant to be together, then why does it so deeply feel like we should be together? Why does it feel like we have gone through all these trials just to come to this moment where we truly come together? Do I tell him all this? Do I wait a while before I approach him again? Or do I need to break off contact again and continue moving on? Last night was amazing for me (there was no sex involved, only company and conversation) . . . Am I crazily wrong for feeling this way?

Would you like to be friends again?

ohsnapdragon — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 11:10:15 -0800

How (and should) I platonically re-connect with an ex? A few years ago, my relationship with my first real love ended. We tried to remain friends afterwards for probably about a year, but I was still angry and it was too painful for me, so I asked him not to contact me for awhile. (Politely and honestly, via email. He responded likewise. We both wished each other the best. Haven't talked since.)

Coincidentally (or perhaps not) only about a month after that I met the woman to whom I am now engaged. (Yay!) As I'm thinking about marriage and commitment a lot lately, the ex has been on my mind (we also planned on marrying at one point though we never made it official.) I'd like to resume a friendship, because I hate the idea of love being wasted - though I have absolutely no interest in him as a romantic partner anymore, I'd like to think that anyone who I really cared about at one point would remain in my life to some capacity.

I've talked about all of this with my fiancee, and she encouraged me to reach out to him if I'd like. The problem is, I'm not sure how and even if I should do this.

What I'm looking for is simply a casual friendship, like I have with other exes. It makes me feel melodramatic to know there is a person in the world with whom I "can't communicate." I am over it and I'd simply like to let him know this in a casual, friendly, cheerful way. And of course I am curious about how his life is going. We didn't break up because of infidelity or anything like that, simply incompatibility, and it seems silly to be estranged the rest of our lives, especially as we have mutual friends and so on.

But another part of me questions if it is an appropriate thing to do. I don't want him to think I miss him in a romantic way, or that I am reaching out because I'm unhappy with my current partner or anything. I don't want to begin any kind of intimate, close relationship because it would feel disrespectful to my current relationship.

Is there a way to phrase a short email or message that simply says, "Hey, how's it going, what are you up to?" without anything else layered into the subtext? Do I need to address the fact I once asked him not to talk to me but I'm now over it, or does my message make that a given?

my so-called friends

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 10:15:10 -0800

How do I deal with a squad of unsympathetic friends? I will keep the drama queen details short: I was in a quietly abusive relationship for a few years, emotional and occasionally physical. No one had any idea what was going on (I barely did, I thought I deserved it. Yuck, right?) until about a year ago, when I told some friends what happened. Their response was shocking to me - essentially, "he's so great, he would never do that!" and the occasional "oh that sucks, he must have been drunk." I see these people all the time, I live in a small city and the ex is close with my roommate.

It's somewhat clear that these people don't believe me and have bought into his "[name] is just a shit talker" line of thought. We've been broken up for over a year and I've mostly put his shitty behavior behind me, but I can't get past how my friends reacted. These people are otherwise active in women's shelters, feminist causes, and other activities that would lead me to believe that they'd be more sympathetic to a friend opening up about a stressful time in her life.

How do I deal with having to see these people? I avoid them as much as possible, but I live with someone who is very close to my ex and it's getting to lonely to stop going out in fear of encountering this group of people (it's a small city). They sometimes wonder why they haven't seen me in a while and it's hard not to say "maybe because you shrugged off years of abuse?"

Friends with your ex?

DisreputableDog — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 17:07:50 -0800

Why is being friends with your ex supposedly a good sign to future dating prospects? Let's ignore the possibility of either "ex" being crazy and/or painfully clingy, and ignore the idea of the future dating prospects being the jealous type.

Taking the question at face value, again I ask: why is this supposedly a good thing? Is there some benefit I can't see here?

(Granted, currently I'm a little biased, having broken up with my now-ex-boyfriend, who sort of wants to stay friends. However, I tend to go forward without really looking back, and burn my bridges in the process.)

Green eyed monster strikes again

Anonymous — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 09:21:29 -0800

Practical advice for dealing with jealousy towards one particular person? Or, how does one move from love to friendship? Sorry, whole plate-o-beans inside. My boyfriend and I (a woman) have been together for about 22 months. We are very compatible and affectionate and love each other deeply. Things are going really well and I plan to stay with him for a long time to come. It is probably relevant to say that we were trans-continental for 6 months, and have been long distance in the same country since September.

However, there's a catch. I am unbelievably jealous of his ex-girlfriend. They were together for about 5 months, but apparently it was quite serious. It's just the one ex who is a problem for me. We have run into his other exes when we were out & about, and I have been fine with them, even ones he was with longer than he was with her. I love his female friends, too. However, this one girl just gets under my skin like no one else. They don't see each other frequently any more (maybe 2-3 times a month), but were hanging out with a large circle of friends when they got together. It still makes sense that they would end up seeing each other every once in a while. This seriously makes my skin crawl. I have spent some time around her, and we have similar interests, but the idea of her hanging out with my boyfriend seriously upsets me so much that I sometimes cry. It's incredibly embarrassing. I think it's because she's a naturally bubbly, flirtatious girl, whereas I am the complete opposite. I take every bit of flirting as a sign that she still wants to be with my bf. I also feel like she seeks him out to spend time with him especially--e.g., last night they did a pub quiz (with her current bf and a mutual friend) at her suggestion. This pub quiz was in his hometown, 30 minutes from where she lives. I don't want to ask him not to see her--when they were together, she befriended some of his close friends, who have since become her neighbors. I feel like if he doesn't see her, he won't get to see them as often. Naturally, they make him happy.

I am asking this question now because she has recently gotten a boyfriend, and I think this may help me get over the major hurdle of feeling like she still wants to be with my bf. So if I can keep that in mind, what other things can I do to keep perspective when they see each other? I know my bf loves me, but I can't seem to help getting upset no matter how hard I try. I really want to get over this, as I feel like it is starting to strain our relationship, and it seems like such a ridiculous thing to lose a fantastic partner over. I am willing to befriend her, but I'm 3 hours away & working towards an MA, so visiting can be difficult.

Alternatively, how did you move from being friends with someone, to being SOs, back to being friends? I think that's something I've always struggled with, having never done it myself.

(FYI: Therapy's not an option right now.)

Ex and "best friend" won't talk to me anymore, why?

Anonymous — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 19:30:02 -0800

Why won't my ex talk to me? And how can I be okay with this? Give me insight based on your experience. My ex (and supposedly "best friend") and I were together for three years and just broke up earlier this year based on the advice of the therapist we were seeing. It was an amicable breakup for the most part (no drama, no fighting, just taking different directions in life). We are both in our early 30s.

After breaking up, we didn't talk for 3 months. Then we met up a few times (we do not live in the same state anymore) and tried to do long distance. This didn't work though, so we called it off for good. I took this to mean our relationship, and not our friendship, but she still wanted "a break for a while." Ok, fair enough.

We ran into each other a couple months later at an event (we have similar interests) and we had a good hour-long talk about the future of our friendship. She even made plans for us to hang out a couple days later, then when the day came, she canceled and said she didn't want to see me. Needless to say I was a bit confused.

I haven't heard from her since. That was 2.5 months ago. I tried calling her twice, leaving friendly voicemails, but have not gotten any response.

I know "people need time" and all that, but I heard she has a new boyfriend (I'm not jealous, I swear, I'm over the relationship with her) --- to me this must mean she has moved past our relationship. So I can't understand why she is ignoring me, especially if she is supposed to be my best friend. It has been 10 months since we originally broke up, and 5 months since we tried to make it work again and broke up for good. To me that's a long time.

Oh, and her birthday is in a few weeks. I'm guessing it's a bad idea to send her a birthday card?

Friendly? Sure. Friends? No thanks.

Anonymous — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 09:48:52 -0800

My ex wants to be friends. I don't really. She broke up with me, and treated me pretty bad. I was pretty torn up for a long time afterwards. I was angry, hurt, and depressed for months, and I'm still dealing with some of the financial fallout.

I've moved on, dated several people since then, got a nice happy life. I don't really care if I ever see her or talk to her again. I've seen her out and we are friendly in the way that casual acquaintances are friendly.

But she's been making overtures lately, saying she wants to be friends and asking questions about my life. I'm not really comfortable with this. A naturally arising friendship, if we happened to find ourselves in the same circles and doing the same things again, might be fine, but I don't really like the idea of spending time maintaining a relationship of any sort with her.

But I don't want to tell her to sod off either.

So what's a friendly (but not too friendly) way to say: "hey, I'm not really interested in maintaining a friendship with you right now" without burning bridges?