Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with exes

Do I tell my ex how I feel?

Anonymous — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 18:33:02 -0800

My ex-boyfriend is moving out of the state and things feel unresolved. I don't want to regret not expressing my thoughts, but am worried my unloading on him pre-move is unfair. He broke up with me a year ago (after being together for over three) and while we both dated other people afterwards (me much more seriously than him), there's still a lot of things that were never worked out in terms of what happened. At the time, we were on a short break, in which I moved out. After a couple of weeks, he couldn't do it anymore but wasn't ready to get back together either, so he broke up with me. We've talked and seen one another about half a dozen times and email occasionally. He admits he still loves me.

We are one another's first loves. I'm 30, he's 29. I'm not sure if I just don't know how to deal with being broken up with when I'm still in love with that person, or if I should be making a last ditch effort to see if it could work.

The biggest problem is that he's moving very soon and could potentially start dating a girl he's been talking to that lives where he's going. (He told me about her, though seemed to come up with excuses that made it sound pretty casual). He's also said many times that he'd most likely not be out there more than a year.

I'm at a loss. I don't know if I should keep my mouth shut or spill my guts. I accept that he's leaving, I guess I just want to know if we have a chance sometime in the future.

Should I be jealous?

xyla2000 — Thu, 07 May 2009 02:57:57 -0800

Relationship Filter: I dated this guy for a month. We broke up a few weeks ago mainly because I am moving this summer. We have overlapping friends and hang out at the same places, which was fine until last week. He hooked up with a girl that I also know. Since we aren't together, I really don't care, but I think he does. Am I wrong not to be jealous? I'm sorry for going into so much detail(again) but in order to get good advice I figure I should thoroughly explain the situation.

So we were friends for a while then we dated, which was great while it lasted. I knew going in that it wasn't a long-term thing because I'll be overseas by the end of summer and he's staying in the US. Although I initiated the break up, he completely agreed. We've hung out since and it was fun and platonic.

But, last week, a friend(who didn't know that I had dated him because I don't like publicizing my relationship status) told me that her friend has "hooked up" with him. I don't really know what that means exactly, but I wasn't surprised. I've seen her friend hit on him on many occasions. Actually, once she explicitly tried to get him to have sex with her in the bathroom of a bar. I realize it sounds really slutty, but she is also attractive and can be a lot of fun when she isn't too drunk.

The night before her friend told me, though, he and I had watched a movie together at his house. As I was getting ready to go home, he acted surprised that I was leaving and tried to convince me to spend the night. But I left anyway because I knew if I spent the night, our relationship would not be platonic. Then tonight, I ran into him at a bar. He was absorbed in conversation with his friends so I didn't say hi. At one point, I happen to turn around and I see this other girl all over him, whispering in his ear and what not, but he's staring at me. We make eye contact and he rolls his eyes. I just smiled and went back to my conversation. When i got up to leave, he came up to me and did this awkward hug-like thing with one hand over my shoulder and the other on my ribs right below my breast, and said "see you soon, right?" (Yes, it was as awkward as it sounds.)

So here's the question: what does all this mean and how do I handle this situation? I'm not the jealous type and I like to keep out of other people's drama. I engaged with both of them tonight with the same warmth and friendliness that I always do because what their relationship may be is separate from my relationship with each one of them individually. Should I be jealous? He still notices when other guys hit on me and is pretty sensitive to it. But it doesn't bother me. Should I tell him that I like this girl and I don't mind him dating other people? Is he trying to get my attention? For the record, we'd still be dating if I wasn't leaving, so I understand that we both still have feelings for each other. But I also know how much it hurts leaving someone you care a lot about behind, so I am not really eager to get more involved.

Thank you ahead of time!

Just fade out?

blithecatpie — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:02:09 -0800

To piggyback on this previous question, should you let the other person know that you are severing ties? I'm in a similar situation to anon (dated briefly, he wasn't emotionally available, he wanted to be friends, not working out for me), only I've decided resolutely to cut ties. The difference is that we don't talk and hang out quite as much as anon and his friend do (every 2-3 weeks, as opposed to anon's 3-4x a week).

In this situation, do you feel it's necessary to say anything to the other person? Or should I just let things dwindle and fade away? My friends say the latter, but I'd feel bad for doing that. I normally like to be honest and direct about my feelings and he's always been kind and honest to me. However, I hesitate to bring up the matter because I fear another sad, long, drawn-out discussion similar to the one we had when we were breaking up (my ex was uncertain of what he wanted), and I'm thinking we could both do without that drama.

I'm wondering what people would advise is the best way to go about doing this.

How do I deal with my ex-boyfriend's (who I dumped) new girlfriend being everywhere?

patientpatient — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 12:08:16 -0800

I dumped my boyfriend about a year ago and even though things are amiable, I can't help but be annoyed by his new girlfriend. We haven't ever had a conversation, but for whatever reason, it boils my blood to see her all over Facebook, tagging him in photos and friend-ing all of our mutual friends. I don't think this is jealousy, but I'm not sure how to deal with my absolute annoyance. Is this normal behavior?

Being friends with friends of my partner's ex?

DuckGirl — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:55:42 -0800

Posted a question here about my situation as it stood about 9 months ago and got some good feedback. My question now relates in some way to my previous question and how the situation has evolved. Quick recap: I was experiencing discomfort around my boyfriend and an ex of his who I suspected still had feelings for him (based mainly on the fact that she had told him just before we started dating that she was still in love with him). However, I had not actually had much direct interaction with her, until about a month after I posted this question, when my boyfriend and I ran into her while out for dinner and she approached our table and proceeded to spend over 5 minutes talking ONLY to my boyfriend while barely acknowledging my presence at all. This sort of escalated all of my previous irritation about the situation, because my boyfriend had been telling me for months how much she wanted to meet me, how much he was sure she'd like me, etc. When push came to shove, it really seemed as though all she was interested in was her friendship/connection with him, not me. So, my boyfriend had a talk with her through emails, and basically since then has had very limited contact with her.

About a month ago, we found out that some very good friends of hers (who he had spent a lot of time with while in that relationship) had moved into our neighborhood. He expressed an interest in hanging out with them, and I told him I would be okay with that as long as it didn't have to involve his ex at all and as long as they didn't perceive me as the jerk who doesn't like their friend. The female of the couple actually addressed this with my boyfriend directly, telling him she hoped we could all form a friendship together, regardless of the original connection (the ex).

So, we've hung out with them as a couple a few times. They are wonderful people, and a lot of fun. The female and I also have a lot in common and happen to also go to the same yoga studio, so we've started talking a bit outside of our "couple time," and that's nice as I don't always find female friendships to be the easiest to come by.

But.....I feel a little awkward about the connection to the ex. I feel like it's inevitable that we're going to run into her while with them and it's going to be uncomfortable for everyone. I feel strange sort of becoming friends with this woman who is friends with the ex. Odd as it might sound, I actually don't want to cause her pain, even though I also don't want to know anything about her. I feel like I should bring this up with the female I am becoming friends with, but am not really sure how.

Anyone have any nuggets? Is it ok for my boyfriend and I to spend time and develop a friendship with people he used to hang out with when dating his ex? Is it ok for me to have a friendship with a woman who is still friends with his ex? How do I initiate some kind of discussion about this with her (do I?)

Exes and D'ohs.

Anonymous — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 15:53:42 -0800

Last night my girlfriend became moderately upset with me because I didn't want to meet her ex-boyfriend. So what? We were going to a bar to meet some friends. It was expected that he'd be there too. We got there and the table was full. She started catching up with him, at which point the two other friends that came in with us went and found somewhere else to sit. My girlfriend wanted to introduce us but apparently I left for the other table before she had the chance. I told her that's okay, I wasn't too excited about meeting him anyway. I tried to leave it at that.

She says we'd probably like one another. That might be true. I've got nothing personal against this guy, still I feel like I don't want to meet him. Why should I? It might be relevant that she left him to be with me last June.

Once a cheater, always a cheater

confused1965 — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 09:07:56 -0800

Once a cheater always a cheater? I will not go into details much. My bf cheated on me again. I lost tracked how many times now for the past 2 years. His explanationn is that when he gets pissed off at me, he tends to want to contact his exes and communicate with them. So far, he has been caught texting them, emails, phone calls. Nothing that proves that he met with them. But still, its betraying the trust and its cheating. I gave him another chance but it hurts whenever I remember the betrayals and just thinking that he cheats. I love him. I know I do. But I keep forgiving him. I cant help it. Is there anybody out here who went through this kind of relationship or going through it right now? Once a cheater always a cheater, is this true?

Why bother getting back in touch?

gov_moonbeam — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 17:53:00 -0800

Help me figure out the intentions of an ex who briefly got back in touch with me and invited me for a visit. What was his agenda, if any? Back in my early 20s I was pretty attached to one friend where we'd hooked up, but it never panned out. Mostly I hung in there hoping he'd stop juggling multiple girls and finally realize that what we had (and he usually referred to me as one of his closest friends) was as good as it was going to get. Eventually I wised up that this wasn't going to happen and moved on, including cutting ties. He wasn't happy about this and I finally told him that I didn't want to see/talk to him anymore in a manner that was pretty blunt and harsh. I go on with my life and in general don't think about him for years.

Fast forward ahead to the age of social networking and we end up bumping against each other on Friendster. I did feel bad about being really nasty in my last communication with him, so I sent a simple note saying that I'd always felt bad about how I ended it and that I wanted to apologize for being a little harsh/blunt with him. A year passes and I get a long note back from him saying that he'd been shocked and excited to hear from me and was curious given all the comments I had in my profile about what I'd been doing with my life.

So we exchange a couple non-committal e-mails and then he expresses an interest in meeting up with me sometime when we're both back in our hometowns. We both have elderly parents in ailing health, so we start talking on the phone a lot about that. However every time we're supposed to meet up, he ends up canceling out on me.

Finally about 3.5 years after the first initial message, I have to go to the town he lives in for a work related conference. He ends up asking me to come visit for the weekend to hang out. I have no expectation of anything other than just as friends, but considering that we've reconnected in such a great way, I'm totally excited. Anybody I mention it too says that he's got to have some kind of agenda to invite me for the weekend.

I go to visit for him the weekend and get the Third Degree from him about all the places I've traveled, cities I've lived, where I've gone to school and worked et cetera. He's intensely curious about what I've been doing in this interim time, especially because it seems like our lives are on parallel paths.

Anyhow, one of the days I was visiting we were going off on a day trip when he announces that he's invited along a coworker of his. Who was a very nice person and a very good sport considering some of the car problems we ended up having that day! However in the back of my mind, I was wondering why if he hasn't seen me in many many years, why would he invite along somebody else whom he sees everyday at work? Is my personality that grating?

The following day it gets even more strange because I was introduced a woman where he's mentioned having a really close friendship with. Who is clearly not happy to meet me and I think pissed off at him. It's actually the last week that she's in the US before having to go back to her home country because her visa has expired. Also, their "friendship" seems to be based on him bending over backwards to take care of her every whim and need (which she never seems to thank him for). They drop me off at the hotel I'm staying at for my conference and I literally have not heard from him since then - other than to say he's going to visit this gal in her home country for Christmas.

Anyhow, the thing I'm still baffled by is why he made a big deal of inviting me down for a weekend and then dropping me again? Especially after making a big deal about what a cool person I'd become in our time apart. The majority of my friends have said that he had some kind of agenda or curiosity in inviting me down. So I know that it wasn't meant to be a casual situation. The best explanations so far are:

1) There's something going on between him and the "close friend" whose visa was expiring. So he probably backed off because of her unhappiness over my visit.

2) He's pretty unhappy with his own personal/professional situation and seeing me happy/settled makes him feel insecure about himself.

I don't know, mostly I just wonder what the point was of going out of his way to invite me to be his houseguest, drive me around, say lots of flattering things about how I've turned out, and then drop me again. But fortunately having long moved past the point of pining over him, I'm just more curious about what his motivation could've been, rather than obsessing over why he won't call me back.

Post-Breakup Friendship Battles

FuManchu — Sun, 03 Dec 2006 06:23:07 -0800

My girlfriend of four years broke up with me. We're stuck in the same small clique for a while. How do I manage to still see all of our mutual friends? Do I just give up on seeing "her" friends? My ex and I are both in our mid-twenties and were together on-again off-again for four years, though we always kept in touch even in the "off" periods. It's completely over at this point, though: two months ago she had a thunderbolt experience and fell in love with someone else while abroad, decided to cut off all contact with me to pursue that, and break up with me a week after the fact. She's continuing that relationship. However, she's returned, and we're living in the same city for at least another six months.

We're in a foreign city, and most of our friends are mutual, and are part of the same small clique. I came to the city 8 months after she did, have been working 14 hour days, and spent every minute of free time I had around her; needless to say, I have almost zero friends who didn't meet her first. I've also been quite depressed, which made it difficult to make good friends of my own.

The ex and I have been in touch a few times since her return, and we were civil when in public together. However, even seeing me in public is too difficult for her, so we're stopping that for a while.

And I now feel like she's now competing for our friends' time, while I've been more laissez-faire. I don't really know how to compete for "friend-time", and would probably lose to her in a direct head-on "friend-time" fight. I recognize that everyone knows her and likes her better than me.

Examples:

She organized a giant Thanksgiving dinner at her place, which all of our friends went to, and didn't tell me about it. I learned about it from friends (one who told me they were surprised I wasn't invited). I could understand not being included, but it was still a very painful experience. I asked her to discuss the friend situation after this, but she became angry and said there's nothing to discuss. We're no longer speaking.

I organized a post-dinner event this weekend, hoping to see some of the friends I'd only been in touch with over email lately, and informed her of it. She then organized a dinner event with a number of those invited, who told me they wouldn't be able to make it to mine.

So what do I do? How do I make sure that I can still see those friends? Should I figure out who are "her" friends, and not expect to see them? Do I have to discuss the options with each friend?

This is all very confusing, as I've never had a breakup with mutual friends, let alone one in such close quarters. I'd be happy if anyone shared similar experiences, as well.

[Also, I've not bitched about her to our friends, or asked them to be conduits of information. I don't want to be "that guy" who only talks about his ex. This has actually been incredibly difficult for me, as I've had no one to support me here. AskMe archives have provided a plethora of sympathy and advice, though! And I can complain about her as much as I want!]

Should I give back a ring that my ex's mom gave me?

wejones — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 09:34:02 -0800

Relationship Etiquette Filter: I had forgotten that I still have a gift that an ex's mom gave to me several years ago. It supposedly had sentimental value, and I feel weird about keeping it. Will I offend by trying to return it? Oh boy, there's way Okay. Thanks for looking. Some back-story is necessary. I'm a straight male, BTW.

My last girlfriend and I broke up in 2000 after living together for two years, dating for three. The break up wasn't on the best of terms, due more to a slow decline of the relationship rather than any real animosity. From my point of view, there wasn't much left to say to one another, and I continue to feel that way, though I wouldn't wish her squished by a bus or eaten by bears.

Around the midpoint of our relationship (mid '98), I became ill, and was in the hospital and in treatment for quite a while. During that time, my then girlfriend and I watched our parents become quite close (our families spent Thanksgiving together), and her mom was especially kind to me. Christmas '98, my ex's mom gave me a hammered gold and jade ring, with a message that indicated that it had belonged to someone special, and that come what may, she wanted me to have it. The ring wasn't my style, so I never wore it, but I was really moved and put the ring in a safe place.

And forgot about it.

Now, there's a lot of water under the bridge, and I am engaged to someone else, and I feel weird about continuing to have this ring. I don't think it was expensive, really; it's the sentimental value to another that bothers me. My ex told me at one point that the ring had been given to her mother by a (boy?)friend before he died. I feel like this ring really belongs with my ex's mom, or that I should at least make the offer of returning it.

But, I don't want to offend anyone, and the situation presents the additional wrinkle of having to get in touch with my ex to try and get the ring back to her mom. I'm not really eager to have contact with this girl, and I am leery of opening a line of communication that I have had to make an effort to close.

So, MeFi, what should I do? Leave it alone, and accept the gift as it was intended? Risk offending (and encouraging continued contact I don't want) by trying to return something that means more to another than it does to me? Your thoughts are much appreciated.

How do you refer to a divorced couple attending a formal function together?

TTNoelle — Wed, 26 Jul 2006 14:05:54 -0800

What is the formal etiquette on how to address an invitation to a divorced couple who are attending a wedding together? A close relative of mine is getting married, and I'm bringing my ex-husband to the wedding. My family got into a discussion on how Emily Post would address the invitation and place setting, and it got us to wondering.

While I am single, it just doesn't seem right that it would be "Jane Smith & Guest" since I was married to this man for 8 years and have a child together. Yet, of course we wouldn't be "Mr. & Mrs." I can't imagine this is a unique situation and somewhere there has to be an etiquette guideline, but I certainly can't find it.

(If it's important, we were married for 8 years and have been apart for 4 years. He has been in a serious relationship for over 2 years. Obviously, we have managed to maintain a close relationship.)

Obsessing over ancient history

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Jul 2006 18:51:25 -0800

I can't understand why I'm still thinking about a very ex-boyfriend. I've been with the same man for ten years, married to him for seven. Prior to that I dated a guy for a whopping ten months. It was a silly relationship -- I was eighteen and he was 21 and very neurotic. He constantly accused me of sleeping around on him, and threw hissy fits if I chose to spend time with friends, especially male friends, instead of him. We purchased a bed together although we never lived together, and he got me a kitten and talked about us getting married and having kids and how much he loved me, when all I wanted was a casual relationship and plenty of sex.

I finally broke it off when I went to a party with my roommates and he turned up at the same party and followed me around verbally abusing me and making us both look ridiculous. I broke up with him then and there and he turned up in his car to my place that same night, before I could get home on the bus, and tried to carry off the aforementioned queen-sized bed and all the clothes and things he'd bought me. He called me a user and various other names, but the "user" one particularly stuck with me. I never thought that I used him, but for ages after that I was constantly worrying whether I was too willing to accept all the things he bought me. I made sure to pay him for his share of the bed, which I kept. Even now as a stay-at-home mother I worry that I'm taking advantage of my husband.

My husband and I recently moved back to the city where I had lived when I dated the ex, and I often feel anxious that I might bump into him in public, and what he will think of me if I do, and how I would act and how he would act, and whether he still thinks I used him or whether it was a word used in anger.

Should I really be worrying about this? I mean, I'm guessing not but do other people worry like this about something that should be history? Is there something I can do to stop worrying about meeting someone who shouldn't have any impact on my current life? Sometimes I check how I look before going shopping because if I see him that day, I want to look good, not because I still care about him romantically but because I need to somehow prove myself to him. Ack.

Help me to stop thinking about someone I don't particularly like, as well as stop doubting myself.

Any questions, please email me at obsessed_or_not@yahoo.com.

Let's not be friends

Anonymous — Fri, 29 Jul 2005 21:12:46 -0800

My ex-boyfriend wants to be friends. I don't. After a long period of not speaking, my ex is being all normal and friendly towards me. I'm pretty sure that in his mind, our interaction == we're friends. I do not consider us so, and I admit this is partly out of my own bitterness at how things ended.

I still have feelings for him, so a real friendship would be difficult. Right now, I deal with him by being civil. But frankly? I don't want to know how he is. I don't want to know about his interactions with other girls, or if he point-blank has somebody new. I don't want to hear about his life or any part of it. I just want him to leave me alone. (Or beg me to take him back, hee!)

Either way, each interaction now makes me uncomfortable and at a loss as to how to respond without giving the wrong message. Online, I'm already invisible in all ways one can be invisible, but it's not like I can ban him from commenting in my journal or block his e-mail addresses without expecting some kind of a puzzled follow-up. I don't want to be cold, or a bitch. We are both docile introverts, too sensitive for our own good.

While I don't want to be pretend-friends, I don't want to burn bridges either. How do I handle this delicate balancing act?

Breaking the news to your ex(es).

veronica sawyer — Thu, 31 Mar 2005 08:42:00 -0800

What is the kindest way to tell an ex (or exes) that you've gotten married? Particularly if you are worried that an ex might have hoped (despite your insistance that it was over) that the two of you would get back together, how do you phrase it? Where should you tell this person? What sort of explanation do you owe him/her?

Fantasizing About an Ex

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Nov 2004 13:12:05 -0800

How do you ween yourself from fantasizing about an ex? I'm a twentysomething female who was in a long distance, long term (4+ years) relationship that recently went sour. Basically, the biggest problem had to do with sex (I still wanted my partner but he apparently lost interest in me physically). Now, I'm good when it comes to making a clean break in the manifested-social-interaction sense; I don't stalk or google exes or call them up randomly just to be "friends" or initiate contact ever after break ups. But in this case, I can't stop myself from wanting this person in my head. When I daydream/fantasize sexually, he is always my partner and everything is what I wished it had been but wasn't in the last month or so of our relationship. I would prefer it if people offered me constructive ways to stop doing this rather than telling me I should just accept it--it is painful for me and I just want to move on through and through, inside and out. Dating (rebounding to forget him) isn't really the answer either--I have made a well-thought-out decision to remain single for a while as I get myself together on my own terms. I'm hoping there's something besides just the whole "time heals all wounds" adage that can help me get through this.

Friendship with an Ex?

amberglow — Fri, 22 Oct 2004 15:46:33 -0800

Friendship with an Ex? (added wrinkle: 17 year age difference, and of course, more inside) no, not me--i'm posting for a friend who needs advice from guys. A 40-year-old woman (looks younger) has a relationship with a 20-something guy for 2 years. They were best friends and lovers, and she taught him things, from house stuff to job stuff to love stuff. Now they've broken up (the guy now has his first "real" girlfriend who is 8 years older than him), and my friend misses the friendship they had together--they don't even speak at all now. She says, "I just have a problem with feeling like I lost a great friendship. I've never had a friendship with, nor dated anyone that much younger than myself and I wonder if this is just the way it works?"

Being a big fag (who always dates older guys), i'm not much help to her.