Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with exboyfriend

Shaking off surprise news about an old flame

Anonymous — Sun, 19 May 2013 09:13:49 -0800

Seven years ago, when I was in college, I fell in love for the first time, and fell hard. We both made lots of mistakes because of youth and inexperience, but at the time I really wished that we could have tried again. He broke off the relationship suddenly, partially because he said he didn't think he'd ever get married or have a family. For a few years I thought of him as "the one that got away." Years later, I am in a good, happy long term relationship, that is healthy and that I enjoy. Via my alumni magazine, I recently found out that he got married about a year after we were last together, and that he's got children. I should be happy for him, but instead I feel like I've been punched in the gut. This doesn't make sense. What can I do to move my thoughts onward, and to stop thinking about what could have been when what I have is good?

The mom of my ex wants to get in touch... what now?

Anonymous — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 04:36:48 -0800

Out of the blue, the mom of my ex-boyfriend (whom I thought I was just starting to get over with) wants to reconnect, but without his knowledge (we haven't been keeping in touch since Christmas). She wants to have "a little chat" -- when I pressed for details, she said only to keep in touch whenever I find myself in town. As well-intentioned as she may be, I feel this is quite manipulative of her due to the context of our breakup and I'm not sure how to respond, if I should, and if I should go ahead and meet up with her (I'm half-scared of being ambushed and reprimanded -- because she wants his sister to tag along on this chat, too -- plus I feel I'll be complicit in the mother's going behind my ex's back, whatever the outcome). I recently broke up with my first boyfriend whom I thought was the love of my life because although we were talking openly about marriage, at some point he decided that he had a greater obligation to taking care of his parents and insisted on living with them indefinitely after marriage; for his parents, it's as if this has been the de facto arrangement all along. He told me that if he were in a life or death situation and he had to choose between myself and his parents, he'd choose the latter.

The parents obviously don't want to let him go, although they have been very accommodating to me (the mom introduced me as her future daughter-in-law to friends and relatives) , to the point where I feel that I have been the pursuer for the most part in the relationship after getting together... they come from a very conservative Christian background where he still has a 10pm curfew (at the age of 25), and because of us being in a long-distance relationship for three years. They preferred for me to head to his town to visit and stay in their house instead of the other way around.... they even preferred that I stay in their house instead of a hotel.

As the other half in the relationship I felt robbed of the opportunity to build a life with my significant other, who apparently had other plans that mostly involved his parents (he wasn't always like this -- his decision was triggered by his dad's major surgery, but thankfully he's well). As nice as they are, there's just no competing with his obligations to them. They take his time most of the weekend (his only free time, really) as he's the designated driver for their errands. He's basically always busy juggling family responsibilities and work. And the bottom line is, I really don't believe living with any set of in-laws is healthy -- I feel that's just entering a marriage that's doomed from the start. When we broke up and he told them, they were basically silent about the whole thing which he took to mean their agreement with our breakup. And because he told them, there's just no taking that back anymore.

I broke up with him but in a moment of weakness, I wanted to get back together, and argued and argued my case to the point of his getting fed up with me entirely. I still told him I loved him when we broke up, and he wanted to stay friends when I didn't at first... and then he just started getting disinterested entirely, not calling everyday or texting like he used to, saying he was too busy at work, etc. He just wasn't that into me anymore (the numbness and loss of spark he blames on my breaking up with him, the endless roller coaster ride of arguments after the breakup), and I decided to stop pursuing friendship with him... we just lost touch after I decided not to meet up with him before Christmas, which we had previously agreed upon. I just lost the desire with the lack of reciprocality. He says he's open to "great possibilities" of getting back together... maybe that's just something to make me feel better, I don't know.

So I don't know why the mother would get in touch all of a sudden. I have a couple of scenarios in my head (she wants us to get back together? he has a new girlfriend?) I'm open to reconciliation, if ever... but not like this (though aside from this I have no expectation of ever hearing from them again or bumping into them for that matter). And of course, being wary of overprotective parents, I had an inkling that they were the sly types... and now I feel like I have solid proof, though of course I could just be the paranoid crazy ex-girlfriend.

So... here are my questions after the tl;dr wall of text,:

1. Are his parents really being manipulative, or am I just overreacting? She told me not to tell her son that she was getting in touch with me to meet up. (Should I tell him?)
2. Do I go ahead and meet with the mom and "explain my side", or do I just let the issue go? I want reconciliation, but I'm relying on serendipity, not this. It feels forced.
3. If I do meet with her... what boundaries do I establish with regard to the information I disclose?
4. Nobody knows for sure why she wants to meet up with me, but are there any possible situations that I missed out on?

Ultimately... how do I deal with this situation in the most loving way possible?

Thanks all. In case you feel the need to email me... throwaway account is brothersonahotelbed.mefi@gmail.com.

How do I deal with my ex-boyfriend's unhinged and insecure current girlfriend?

lilypad — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 17:03:47 -0800

My ex and I are still involved musically, and his current girlfriend is convinced that I hate her. She recently sent me an extremely creepy email. My ex is passive to the extreme and won't take responsibility. What can I do to keep the peace and minimize my involvement, while still enjoying my band? I've been lurking on MeFi for a while, but now I need some advice of my own! I am a woman in my mid-20's living on the West Coast, FYI.

For a little background, I was together with my ex-boyfriend for 18 months. It was my first serious relationship, I was completely infatuated with him, and it seemed like we were heading towards marriage. I eventually started to have doubts about our compatibility, and the fact that I had really lost my sense of self in the midst of my infatuation for him. He let me know at the 18-month mark that he wanted to be married (in general) in the next 3 years, so we should be honest about our intentions. I knew I couldn't marry him, so I broke up with him. Our breakup was sad but kind, and we ended things while we were still very much deeply in love.

Now the complicated part: we are in a band together. We agreed to keep the band together, as we'd invested years of hard work to the project, and still had respect for each other. While the first few months post-breakup were awkward and touchy and a little overwrought, we slogged through rehearsals and shows and kept a very civil relationship.

Three weeks after our relationship ended, he started dating his current girlfriend (he is a serial monogamist). And two months into their relationship he brought her along to work on some of our band-related projects without prepping me ahead of time. As you can imagine, I was hurt and upset, she was beyond uncomfortable…and he was completely oblivious to the shit storm he had caused.

Anyway, my relationship with this girl started off on the wrong foot. And my ex never lifted a finger to introduce us or foster any kind of warmness between us. She kept coming back to shows or parties, and because I couldn’t figure out how to act around her, I kept my distance. After a few months, my ex starts telling me that she thinks that I hate her, and he requests that I make an effort to welcome her. I was still stinging from what had felt like the most grueling, dragged-out breakup in history, and let him know bluntly that, while I would try my best, it was ultimately up to him to be the keeper of his girlfriend’s feelings. I gave a shot at saying hello to her or striking up conversations a few times, but I was always met with glares or a cold shoulder, so I gave up pretty quickly and went back to keeping my distance. From this and a lot of other weird Facebook evidence, I started to gather that she was super infatuated with him in the way I had once been, but also monumentally insecure.

Even a year into this nonsense, my ex kept picking fights with me about my “rude behavior.” In reality, my rudeness amounted to my not reaching out to say hello to her. That was it. I finally promised that I would once again make a concerted effort to be polite and friendly, and in return he would never be allowed to bring up this topic again. For the last few months since we had that conversation, I have approached her at every show, said hello with a smile, and tried to joke around with her if the opportunity presented itself. It wasn’t easy for me, but I thought it was starting to work.

Until this weekend. While the entire band was in the recording studio this past weekend, she sent me a private Facebook message demanding to know why I had been so rude to her, and in essence threatened that if I didn’t change something she would have to take drastic action. This message was out-of-the-blue. It was creepy, inappropriate, and very upsetting. When I confronted him about the level of weirdness and inappropriateness of her message, he took her side on every single part of the issue, and refused to acknowledge that it was his mess that he created. He told me that I should talk it out with her, and that essentially it was not his problem.

This situation blew over earlier this week---she sent a tense and begrudging apology. I wrote her the kindest and most honest note I could muster, while assuring her I never intended to make her uncomfortable. But, now I don’t know how to act when we are in the same room! Obviously, she has some deep insecurities and even deeper issues that have nothing to do with me, and I can’t fix crazy. But I can’t for the life of me figure out how to deal with her at our upcoming events (we have a few next week!) I’ve been made the enemy in this situation by these two crazy, passive-aggressive people, and I don’t know what to do to minimize drama.

(And before you ask, yes, I realize this drama seems like it’s worth running away from. However, the actual band, as well as my personal relationship with my ex, is still a very positive part of my life that I don’t wish to give up just yet).

Help! Any suggestions on making sure I don’t make this any worse than it already is?

To send condolences or not?

csox — Fri, 16 Nov 2012 12:04:44 -0800

My ex-boyfriend's dad just passed away. What, if anything, should I do? This morning I got a call from a friend letting me know my ex-boyfriend's dad passed away. Should I contact my ex-boyfriend? Should I just feel sad and do nothing? His dad and the rest of his family live about 2000 miles from where he and I live. We broke up about 3 years ago, it wasn't mutual, nor was it amicable. Only in the past year have we been able to be friendly with each other, but I wouldn't go so far as to call us friends. He was very close with his dad, and his dad and I also were close during the time we dated. Part of me wants to send my condolences to him (call? text?), but part of me doesn't want to open any doors back to him (he's never been one to respect boundaries, which led to a lot of...conflict during/after the breakup). Thoughts?

Help me stand my ground against my ex.

These Birds of a Feather — Fri, 22 Jun 2012 00:15:54 -0800

I may have to see my abusive ex soon. Help me cope. My ex dumped me after months of bad times and emotional abuse. I successfully disengaged and realized I'd dodged a bullet when a few weeks ago he contacted me to tell me he is engaged to a girl he'd met while we were still together last December. This is obviously upsetting for a variety of reasons, but now I have to deal with the prospect of possibly seeing them together at a big event he had decided he is now coming to so I "can meet her". I did not respond to his announcement and am flabbergasted by his desire to do this.

I have been looking forward to this event for a year and spent a lot of money to go to it, so I want to do right by myself and not ditch it in fear of seeing him again.

In the event that I see him and her and he approaches me (something he is sure to do since he did this to his last girlfriend after we became a couple), what can I do to communicate my dislike for him as well as my desire for him to leave me alone? A friend suggested that if the two of them try to talk to me in passing, I should feign that I've never met him before and that I'm disgusted by the suggestion that we are even remotely acquainted. I want to leave feeling happy and empowered, not anxious and nauseated like I do right now whenever I think of seeing him. I don't know that the aforementioned strategy will achieve that.

How would you gracefully but pointedly handle this kind of situation?

Let well enough alone?

Anonymous — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 17:22:17 -0800

Should I call my abuser on his behavior, even though it's been over twenty years since we've last spoken? My first boyfriend was very intelligent, very charming, and an abusive narcissistic psychopath. I was utterly engulfed by his manipulations and psychological bullying. It took me a couple years after we'd broken up for me to realize that our relationship had been a textbook example of an abusive situation (mentally, emotionally, and physically, even up to and including what I consider rape), and I have consistently ignored his attempts to get in touch with me.

Our year-and-a-half relationship was a horrible life-changing event for me. (Possibly pertinent: when we started dating, I'd just turned 16, and I'd literally never been kissed. He was 19 and had had eleven previous sexual partners. I am female.) It colored my interactions with men for many years, and left me traumatized and angry and scared. I'm not angry or scared anymore, however, and am happily married to a wonderful man. But I've written a letter to him, and don't know if I should send it or not.

He's tried to contact me a few times over the past twenty years. It might have been a little stalkery in the first couple years (he once showed up at a friend's mother's house at 7.00 AM asking after me, knocking on the door but refusing to identify himself), but no red flags in recent times. He last contacted me via Facebook about four or five months ago, calling me "old friend" and asking if we could get in touch. I ignored the message, but three days later I received a friend request (I promptly blocked him). I was incredulous. It was clear that he does not remember our involvement in the same way I do, and thinks a friendship might be possible between us.

My mother recently told me he'd also approached her via Facebook. She actually replied to him and said no, they were not going to ever be friends. When he asked her why, she said simply "You abused my daughter." He did not contact her again after that. He lives in the same town as she, but thankfully he's never gone to her house, called her, or approached her in person.

A twist: I've kept track of his whereabouts periodically, mostly because if he ever showed up in my city, I'd really want to know. I must explain that I think he's... slightly off mentally, and although I doubt he would harm me, I think there's a distinct possibility of some unpredictable behavior if we lived in the same area. I genuinely think he may be psychopathic to some degree (lack of empathy, grandiose sense of self-worth, extremely manipulative), but aside from that he's got a peculiar brand of spirituality. For example: when we were together he told me he was probably the messiah or perhaps some other spiritual leader of equal significance. He also believed that the band Rush were prophets and regarded their music/lyrics as a message from god. He's had at least two websites that read like garbled spiritual/religious tracts, sprinkled with some pretty odd claims. Perhaps most significantly, he attributed some mysterious significance to my presence in his life as well. So, yeah, there's that.

Anyway, the appeal of sending the letter is that he would hear from his abuse victim that he was undeniably abusive, a fact which I don't think has really occurred to him. Part of me really, really wants him to read it. And I think it would be therapeutic for me to finally say to my rapist: "You raped me." I also want to make it crystal clear to him that there is no possibility of friendship, and to again make the request that he not contact me or my family again. I am not looking for any particular reaction from him, and I have no intent to make him feel bad. But I want to have my say.

I would contact him via Facebook, since I have no email address for him, but keep him blocked. My husband wonders if I'd be opening up a can of worms, but there's really no way for him to contact me, and the fact that he lives 3,000 miles away is comforting. I would tell my mother I was sending him a letter beforehand, and let her know that if he does anything odd to tell him she'll call the police if she needs to. I don't think this would be necessary, though.

In the letter, I link to an abusive behavior checklist and point out about 25 items that apply to his behavior during our relationship. I also list several things that I remember about the relationship that were particularly inappropriate or horrible, stated as fact. Content examples:

- He told me that he wanted me to be his disciple, and that he saw himself as my instructor; he wanted to mold me into his submissive counterpart. This manifested in him withholding affection and compliments unless he deemed me "worthy", and giving me the silent treatment.

- I walked on eggshells constantly; and I lived in fear that I would say something wrong, do something wrong, think something wrong.

- He used to question me about basic beliefs I held, then ridicule me until I reversed my position and was begging him to forgive me. He was far more verbally skilled than I was, and used this to his advantage.

- He threw things at me, physically restrained me, once made me sit in the bathroom while he shat, removed the condom when he didn't feel like wearing one (including the night I lost my virginity), and psychologically bullied and manipulated me into having sex with him. Once I had sex with him because I was pretty sure he would have hit me if I didn't.

- He had little to no empathy or compassion towards me for the majority of our involvement, and he did not have basic respect for me or who I was.

As I say, I have no intent to make him feel bad unnecessarily, and in the letter I tried to omit inflammatory or accusatory language. I tried to simply present my recollection of things while leaving out as much emotion as possible.

Should I send the letter or not?

My brain isn't very nice to me.

biochemist — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 14:49:43 -0800

Why do I still care about how my ex treated me when I don't have any feelings for him? How do I stop caring that he's getting married to his pregnant girlfriend? It was a long distance relationship and he wasn't that into me. It was always me visiting him, me moving to be with him, etc. He'd told me that he wouldn't be willing to move to be with me, he would complain when I'd ask him to come visit me. He told me if I got pregnant and kept it he'd be there for me emotionally and that's it, so sex was this big thing that might eventually force us to break up if I got pregnant. He didn't want to move in with me and made a big deal over it, and even after I moved down there he didn't really want to spend time with me, etc.

There were some good times, but it all boiled down to he wasn't that into me. We broke up in April 2010.

I found out he was dating someone else some eight months after that and had moved cross-country to be with her. Then he'd moved in with her. That stung, but I eventually got over it. I got over the urge to check his facebook, stopped blaming myself for not being "good enough," etc.

The other day I checked because I was bored and doing the "let's see what my ex's are up to thing." That was a mistake. I found out that she was pregnant and they were excited about it and all they could talk was babies and etc. That really hurt because after two years together he was still in the "if you get pregnant and decide to keep it it's over" camp. I'd chalked up some of his behaviors to not being into me and just not realizing it at first, but the pregnancy scare thing and what he told me about it was just cruel. I don't understand what it is about me that made him want to treat me that way.

I checked again today because I managed to start the "can't stop checking their social networking sites" process over again and found out he'd proposed. Yesterday. After a year. When after two years with me he was still in the "I don't want to marry anyone, it's just a piece of paper." "I sometimes miss being single, I think if we ever break up I want to be single for a long time" camp. And it isn't even like his financial situation has improved enough to be ready for a child. It's worse than it was when he was seeing me. Though I guess the two years might have made him feel emotionally ready for a child, or maybe they had a scare too and he said the same "abortion or it's over" thing but maybe she was OK with an abortion but when it actually happened they were both like "wow, I could never get an abortion!"

I don't understand why any of this bothers me. I asked myself if I could go back in time and be with him, would I? No. If I could magically become her, would I? No. I don't want a life with him, he's not the person I want to be with anymore. I asked myself if I wanted to be pregnant? No, not yet.

I hadn't even really thought about him until I got bored and checked his website. So why does finding all this out hurt so bad? I feel like it would be different if he'd treated me differently, but the fact that he wasn't a good boyfriend to me and the very next person he dated he's being a perfect gentleman to makes me feel like I'm defective in some way.

What adds onto it is that I've been experiencing a lot of bullying in my work place lately that I assumed would be over once I was out of high school. I feel like there's something about me that makes people want to treat me poorly, but I don't know what it is. It's like situations like when I was with him just seem to follow me around. I was bullied in gradeschool, middle school, and high school. Then I was bullied in my job after all that was over. And for some reason my relationships seem to consist of a) meet awesome person b) not be able to tell if awesome person is treating me right or not c) have multiple people tell me that i deserved better.

Ultimately, I'd really like to know how to either not care about what he's doing or to spin it into a positive like "at least he's changed and is happy now."

I know that therapy will probably be suggested, but I can't afford that right now, even on a sliding scale. When my funds improve it's definitely something I'll be doing.

Violent Ex

Anonymous — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 09:12:13 -0800

Asking for a friend: her unhinged, stalker ex-boyfriend's behaviour has escalated into violence. We are all very concerned. Any help would be appreciated, particularly if you know any details about dealing with this kind of situation in London. I'm asking for a friend as she doesn't have a MeFi account, but I will refer her to this thread.

In a nutshell: she broke up with him a few months ago. In that time, his behaviour has consistently escalated from merely being an asshole to, most recently, outright violence.

It started initially with harassing texts and phone calls, eventually moving into e-mails claiming that he would destroy her reputation, which were then followed by vague, bizarre threats.

She told him never to contact her again, changed her phone number, and went to see a lawyer. About a week after all of this, he started leaving notes in her mailbox. Shortly after that, he started showing up at her house.

This is all alarming enough in its own right, but what has really tipped thing over the edge are the events of the past week (less than a week after the notes in the mailbox): at one point during the day, my friend thought she had seen this ex-boyfriend watching her from somewhere across the street near her house (this is in a non-central part of London.) She has recently started seeing a new guy, and they were hanging out at her flat one night when suddenly there was a loud shouting and pounding on the door. It was the ex-boyfriend.

Somehow, somebody opened the door and the ex-boyfriend forced his way inside; there was a confrontation, and in the midst of it, the ex-boyfriend punched the new guy. Of course the police were called, but they were...less than helpful. The ex-boyfriend was told to never contact her again and let off with a warning. My friend was told that in order for an injunction to be filed, he would have to try something again.

Already, he has e-mailed her several times, most recently threatening suicide. My friend has said that he hasn't physically hurt her 'yet', but of course, that 'yet' hangs in the air like a pregnant pause. Both her and her flatmate are staying at different houses for the moment, and the ex-boyfriend doesn't know where they are, though he does know where she works.

I've tried to relate the facts as dryly as possible, but of course we are all very troubled by this situation. The police have been no help whatsoever. WITHOUT EVERYBODY FREAKING OUT, what are some good, concrete steps that can be taken to alleviate the danger and deal with this situation?

Some points:

1) This is in London, so any specifics of UK law, or London-based resources would be particularly appreciated.

2) The ex-boyfriend is here on a visa that specifically forbids him from engaging in any kind of criminal behaviour. Is deportation a realistic option? (For the record, this would be deportation back to another first world country.)

Thank you in advance for your help.

Should I file a restraining order against my ex?

Anonymous — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 16:31:30 -0800

Considering a restraining order against an ex, but I have a lot of questions about the logistics and just generally whether it's going to make the situation better or worse. For example, I don't think he knows where I live- so how would it even work? Many more questions inside. (For answers regarding the law: I live in IL.)

I broke up with an emotionally abusive ex about a year ago. He was never violent towards me or directly threatened violence, but there were instances where I felt like we were getting dangerously close to that edge. He's maybe kind of a punch-a-hole-in-the-wall angry type of person. Towards me, he just had a lot of anger, outbursts, accusations, yelling, blaming, that type of stuff. I was afraid to break up with him because I was sure he'd try to make my life hell, but I did it anyway, finally (again, about a year ago.)

From the very beginning I asked him not to contact me at all. He'd be good about it for a while but inevitably I'd always get a text or five, or a phone message. Usually a burst of them all at once. Most of the time I tried to ignore it. Occasionally I'd break down and reply but always more or less with a message like :"Please leave me alone, I don't want to hear from you, don't text/call/email anymore." Sometimes nice, some begging, some angry. At one point, when I was ignoring all his texts and calls he actually showed up and rang my buzzer. I pretended not to be home, but moved shortly after that (about 6 months ago.) I also blocked his phone number, but the block kept expiring and I'd end up getting more messages from him. After a particularly brutal, mean bunch of messages recently I finally decided to go ahead and just change my number. So, at the moment he doesn't know where I live and he doesn't know my phone number. He still knows where I go to school, though, so if he was so inclined he could probably find me there. I don't know if he would do that or not. I don't think he would but . . . I'm not 100% sure and I've definitely been wrong in the past regarding what shitty things he was willing to stoop to.

I apologize, I'm rather emotional over this situation and I'm having a hard time being coherent- I have a lot of conflicted feelings/questions about all this so here they are in no particular order.

- For the most part, I've been trying to avoid knowing the content of any text/ email/ voicemail I get from him. I try to delete them all without reading or listening to them, because I'm afraid of what they will say. He doesn't threaten violence, but a lot of them are mean (recurring themes include what a bitch i am for ignoring him, how i ruined his life, information about people he's dating/ fucking now, and oddly enough, sometimes they just say 'i miss you and hope life is going well.') i think he's a sociopath. whatever the case, whenever i see an email/ text from him i get an extreme physical reaction- nausea, fear, adrenaline, often followed by nightmares for the next several days. It doesn't even matter WHAT the message says. I guess at this point even the nice messages scare me because I know the mean ones will often follow after I ignore the nice one. Anyway, what I'm getting at is- do I even have an argument here? "I keep asking him to stop and he keeps bugging me. But I don't know what he's even saying." Does someone need to be making an actual threat? Or is this harassment enough? Unfortunately, due to my OMG-MUST-DELETE-IMMEDIATELY thing, I don't have as much documentation as I wish I did. I should have saved it all, but I guess I just never really thought it would get to this point.

- I'm wondering what filing a restraining order against him would actually achieve. On the one hand, he doesn't even know how to contact me anymore, so it's possible it will stop. But then again, all it takes is one time for him to get really mad and decide I'm the cause of all his problems, and come hunt me down in a rage. Do I think this is likely? No, not at all. But I am not sure enough to rule it out completely. I know he has a firearm card/ permit whatever but I don't know if he actually owns a gun. I read that if you file a restraining order against someone they will have to surrender their firearm card/gun. So, this is one reason I would want to do it. But I know that it's not forever- will I be contacted when he's allowed to have his firearm card (and possibly gun) back? Will I have to keep getting R.O.'s for the rest of my life? What if I forget and the day he gets his (possible) gun back he decides to come get his revenge on me?

- On the other hand, like I said, it's entirely possible that without any more easy ways to contact me, he might just give up and leave me alone. If this is the case, I don't want to instigate more drama and escalate things by bringing a restraining order into it. I guess my question with this and the above statement is- for those of you who have been through something like this, are you glad you did it, or did it just cause more trouble?

- One of my biggest concerns is whether this would compromise what I've achieved by moving and changing my number. I mean, how do you get a restraining order against someone without them knowing where you live? Can it just cover certain areas? I want him to be kept away from my school. It's possible he could find out where I live by following me home from school, but I have know way of knowing whether this has happened. So . . . what the hell do I do? (My school has security guards and surveillance cameras- should I trust that this is enough to protect me?)

- He told me a while back that he was planning to move to another state. Knowing him (he's full of shit) he probably didn't, but I don't know how to find out- I don't want to contact him or any of his friends or family. If he does live in another state can I still request a R.O.?

- One of my biggest concerns is just what his reaction is going to be to this. I know him- he will be furious. He will think it's all in my head, that I'm overreacting over nothing, and that I'm trying to ruin his life. He will probably tell this to everyone he knows (how he never did anything, how I'm a crazy bitch trying to ruin his life, etc.) It's not that I care what they think. More like I know this will cause him to want him to retaliate in some way, and he's pretty damn persuasive/ manipulative- what if his friends and family all believe his side of the story and team up with him to punish me for this? It's not like I can get a R.O. against him AND all his friends and family. For people who have been through this- if you had an ex like this- did he react by flipping out? Did it make things worse? Especially if it was a long time ago- my biggest fear is that taking this action would escalate him from a problem that was going to fade away on its own, to a problem that will continue to follow me for the rest of my life. Because if I understand IL law correctly, it would go on his record and follow HIM for the rest of his life (or at least a while?) and as long as he's thinking of me he's going to want to be harassing me.

All I want is for him to just completely disappear from my life and leave me alone. I don't care about getting revenge or "punishing" him, and I'm afraid that's what he'd see this as, and take it as an invitation to harass me even more when he can. What if it keeps escalating? What if I end up having to call the police on him and he gets arrested or goes to jail? I don't think any of that would cause him remorse, i think it would just fuel the fire for him to retaliate and try to ruin MY life. i want to just let it go and hope and pray that moving and changing my number will be the end of it. but i can't feel totally comfortable knowing he may own a gun, and knowing he has a bad temper and terrible judgment. so what the hell do i do? (i'd like to move to another state, far away, but i can't until i finish school- so a couple more years, unfortunately. I can't transfer to a different program, I have to finish the one i'm in.)

I'll make a sockpuppet account so people can memail me directly, and so I can answer questions if necessary, I know this probably wasn't the most coherent question ever. he spent several years trying to make me doubt my own judgment and sanity, and it seems to have worked- i really need some outside perspectives regarding this problem. the more i think about it, the more confused and frustrated i get. am i overreacting? am i not doing enough? do i have other options that i'm not thinking of? thank you all so much in advance. (and for those of you who might suggest i should also seek counseling- i plan to, first thing Monday morning I'll be calling the therapist I was seeing immediately after the breakup. and i have not read the gift of fear but i see it recommended on here all the time and plan to try to acquire/read it today too.)

I know you don't approve. I won't talk to you about it.

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 22:13:54 -0800

Reconciliation after a break-up: dealing with fallout from friends. My ex and I have had a hard year together, one that was mostly good, but pretty lousy these past few months, and we broke up because of it. We told our friends, we told our family, and we started to disengage. Today we had a really good conversation that left us both optimistic about possibly getting back together in the future (6 months to a year) after we've done some work to improve different parts of our lives through therapy and hard work. We're both being pragmatic; it could happen, it might not, we may meet new people, we may move on, etc and we're ready to deal with whichever result comes up. I am hopeful, and after the conversation happened, it felt right.

For those of you who've successfully reconciled with a partner after 6 months to a year of being apart and working to improve yourselves, how did you stay honest with family and friends about the situation? If you felt very strongly that you were doing the right thing, how did you explain that rationale to others? I am accepting full emotional responsibility for anything that happens from here-on-out, but I cannot seem to get my friends to understand that I really just need to give this one more shot. The only answer I've got is, "I've got to go with my gut on this one, I'm sorry."

Ex-fiance, mutual interests, awkward interactions

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 19:08:02 -0800

How do I deal with seeing and interacting with my ex at this event? And, actually, how do I deal with the breakup in general? Two months ago my ex-fiance, John, ended our relationship. He and I had been dating seriously for five years.

John and I had been having issues in our relationship for the last year, which I thought were largely due to temporary problems. I was finishing graduate school, and we were living in a group house with two of our friends -- Emily and Katie. In addition to just the stress of living in a group house in an expensive city, Katie (my best friend at the time) was creating a lot of tension in the living situation, because she was picking fights with John, but also she and John were having lengthy emotional conversations. In late-August, I had finished grad school and John and I moved to a new place; I assumed that that would lift the stress on the relationship.

John broke up with me a week after we moved in to the new apartment. John then immediately started dating my former best friend, Katie. This is shitty for multiple reasons (even aside from the obvious!): I lost two of my closest friends, and I was basically supporting John for the last year and am in credit card debt because of that. Also, John has written me emails trying to make me feel guilty that I don't want to be friends with him, and is contacting my friends (who were never our mutual friends!) to try to have conversations with them.

I am not really emotional about the breakup because we were having problems, and ultimately he and I were not good together. I am emotional (specifically: angry) about my ex-fiance breaking up with me to date my ex-best friend.

Recently, John saw through social media that I was going to attend an event that fell into our mutual interests. He also RSVPed to the event. I think it is poor etiquette on his part to do so because 1. it is creepy that he poached the event off of my social media profile! and 2. I don't want to see him, and he knows it. I already paid to go to the event and I do not want to cancel. At this event, I don't know if I should ignore him, talk to him, or run away if I see him approaching.

What should I do, metafilter? Also, how do I mentally deal with this? Most relationship-filter questions have answers that seem to concern being functional, taking time off, and "taking it one day at a time." I don't think I'm having trouble with those things -- I am generally happy, have a full life with great friends, and am getting everything done and moving forward. But I am still furious about this whole situation. Aside from this specific event, John, Katie, and I live in a smallish city and our interests/hobbies do overlap, and there is high likelihood that there will be other events (that he may or may not poach from my social media profiles!) that we overlap on. How can I deal with this maturely? (with the sidenote that I don't think that I have it in me yet to be 100% civil if they try to talk to me)

If relevant: We are all in our late-20s. I am not having any contact with John or Katie, but we do have mutual friends.

Schroedinger's ex: I'm over him. I'm not over him.

Anonymous — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 11:45:53 -0800

I'm having a difficult time trying to mentally process an ex's recent wedding because I'm hung up on the sex/religion aspect of it all. I need advice on how to stop thinking about him. I've known "Tony" since we were kids. We were friends in high school and ended up dating for several months. We had a really fun relationship--very physical, lots of joking around and enjoying each other's company without getting too serious. When university started (we went to different areas of the country), we parted ways on good terms.

College changed him. Instead of being the fun-loving irreverent guy I had known all those years, Tony was now a born-again christian and had joined the military. Our communication became very tense after that. He apologized profusely for all of the ways he had sexually "violated" me and begged my forgiveness. He was concerned about my soul and kept trying to get me to “turn my life over to christ” (he knew/knows I am a hardcore atheist). Most unsettlingly, he had fallen in love with me. He wrote me letters and poems, left me long phone messages, etc, professing his undying love for me. He asked me to marry him several times. Our relationship (which had been, from my point of view, one strictly of friendship save for those several months in high school) was getting strained and awkward, I told him we couldn’t be friends anymore, and we stopped contacting each other.

That was several years ago now. It's been nearly ten years since the last time we saw each other. However, we have a lot of mutual friends and our moms are friends, so we know a lot about what’s going on in each other’s lives. (A peril of coming from a small town.) Friends and family don’t know that our relationship took such a turn for the weird (and assume we’re not friends solely because he’s religious and I’m not) so don’t hold back on any stories for fear of some “don’t talk about the ex” taboo. In short: I hear about him all the time, whether I want to or not.

Anyway, fast forward to a month ago: Tony gets engaged! This is excellent news (he hadn't, as far as I am aware, had a girlfriend since me and people were getting concerned). I don't know "Kathy", but by all appearances and anecdotes she's kind, shares his values (e.g. is also extremely religious), and is absolutely crazy about him. This is all very good. They got married two weeks ago.

Now here are the things I keep getting hung up on:

1. Kathy and Tony have known each other for one year...a year that Tony has spent all but one month of stationed overseas. Kathy lives back in the states. They spent, prior to their wedding, one "life-month" together. (Since the wedding, Kathy has moved overseas to live with Tony.) That, alone, does not bother me.

2. Kathy and Tony have had a completely chaste courtship. The first time they kissed was on their wedding day.

3. When Tony and I were together-together, our relationship was anything but chaste. We were young and full of hormones, and had a lot of happyfun sextimes together. Tony is (was? does a kink ever truly go away?) also into some BDSM stuff, and I spent some (thoroghly enjoyed and consensual) time tied up, smacked around, and playing the slave. Suffice it to say, we had a good time.

Tony's engagement/marriage has profoundly affected me in ways I can't fully grok. I am happily living my life, have a wonderful partner with whom I get on splendidly, and I have no reason to dwell on Tony's personal life. But my brain cannot reconcile points 2 and 3.

Every time a thought about Tony pops into my head (I'm at the age where all of my friends are getting married and engaged, so there are a lot of "triggers" around me), it is immediately followed by a chorus of "IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG NOW." I don’t want to think about him. I want to go be happy with my life while he goes and is happy with his. I keep fixating on this, though!

I keep having thoughts like: "but they hardly even know each other!" (which has nothing to do with sex), and "what if she doesn't know about his kinky side? will she be ok with it? what if she's not?" and "what if he's suppressing his kinky side for "godliness", won't he be unsatisfied?" and all sorts of other things that I know are NONE OF MY BUSINESS and that deep down inside are things that I'm not truly concerned about.

I want to stop thinking these things. I can't help it. Other exes of mine have gone on to other relationships/marriages without me even batting my eye. Tony's got me all befuddled and it's all because his current religious lifestyle is so different from the Tony I used to know so well. It’s especially frustrating because I’m not a nosy person and I’m not used to thinking about other peoples’ personal lives. Tony’s situation has got me all screwed up though.

Please give me your tips and advice on how I can just. get. over. this. Is there any good way to halt these thoughts? My guess is that in time the thoughts will become less and less, but I'm obsessing NOW. (FWIW, I have no history of any sort of obsessive compulsive or anxiety disorders, no depression, no history of any mental--anything--that could be gumming up the works, so to speak.) What do I need to do to enable myself to move on?

I am looking for tips, techniques, anecdotes, and maybe articles if there are good ones on how to 1) figure out why I’m having these thoughts, 2) figure out how to stop obsessing, and 3) perhaps start a dialog with mutual contacts to say “don’t tell me about Tony” in a way that doesn’t make it sound like I’m jealous of him or something equally petty.

Thank you for your help, and thanks for reading.

Guilty, guilty, guilty.

Anonymous — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 06:33:29 -0800

It's me again. I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. How do I minimize the guilt I feel for hurting him, and the hurt over him being back on the dating site already? We haven’t spoken since the break-up, but I checked his profile on the dating site we met on and he was already back to single and looking and now he’s friends with someone he met there on facebook. He told me he took two years to start dating again after his last relationship ended, so why is he already looking after breaking up with the girl he loved and wanted to marry a week ago? I could understand if he was just the type to do that (I’ll admit that I do this, not because I‘m over the person but because I want to get over the “I’ll never click with anyone again!!” feeling) but he’s not. So, I mean, what the fuck?

I feel guilty for hurting him, because he really is a great guy. He’s amazingly sweet and loving and generally wanted to make things better. He was my best friend for almost the entire time we dated. We just weren’t compatible in a few areas that made continuing the relationship difficult. I feel SO HORRIBLE for hurting him. I feel awful for not sticking by him while he’s going through a rough time. Normally I would have, but I didn’t see the incompatibilities getting any better. The thing that makes it worse is that there weren’t any big blow-ups, fighting, him doing things to hurt me, etc that would have made it an easy decision. It was just, he tended toward the cynical, pessimistic, doesn’t seem to enjoy life and/or hides his enjoyment of activities and is generally “meh” about things and I’m pretty much the polar opposite of that. I know plenty of people like that that he’d be a great match for, but I’m not one of them and I couldn’t handle him when he was upset. I broke up with him because even if we got through this and everything was fine, I would have the same difficulty dealing with how he reacted when his life got tough again. There were other reasons but that was the main one.

I also feel bad for being generally OK. Sometimes I’m not, but it has more to do with being jealous and hurt that he’s looking already and feeling bad for hurting him than it does with wanting him back. In my past relationships it was always hurt over losing the person, still being in love with them and wishing that somehow things would work out. I’m still in love with this guy but I already know he’s not my type and I’m OK with that. When we broke up I cried, not because we were breaking up but because I knew I was hurting him and I didn't want to do that. But… I feel like I should be suffering more, that I should feel lower-than-low horrible like I did the first time we broke up slightly over a month ago. And then the kicker, I’ve met someone (a few weeks ago, I know that reflects poorly on/is hypocritical of me) that I click with and who’s more compatible with me than my ex, and I feel bad for going out and spending time with and having fun with that person. I’m pretty sure they’re a major reason I’m not a heaping pile of lonely mess right now, and a major reason it’s easier to be OK with my decision to break up because their personalities differ in little ways that make it easier to see the type of person I should be with. It’s like… okay this is going to be a shitty analogy, but do you know how in the Sims when two Sims are talking and you get the little ++ and -- depending on how the conversation went? I feel like with my ex a lot of the conversations led to a -- reaction and with my friend it’s mostly ++ reactions.

I'm 20, female, and the relationship lasted 6mos. I know that isn't long but of my other two relationships, 4yrs, 2 yrs and 1 month respectively, it was the only one that wasn't a trainwreck and where I actually felt safe with the person, they were there for me, we got along well, they didn't do/say hurtful things for no discernible reason, I could tell they were in love with me, there wasn't some glaring reason we'd have to break up anyway like them not wanting kids, etc. So it's still super-hard.

1) What can I do to assuage the guilt I feel over breaking up with him over the first place, being mostly OK with it, not staying with him while he’s going through a tough time in life, and having fun with/being cheered up by someone else I have romantic feelings for?

2) How do I feel less hurt and jealous over the fact that he’s already out there looking less than a day after we’ve broken up? How can I be OK with not speaking to my best friend and not knowing when/if I’ll ever speak to him again?

3) Is there a type of forum that I can go to discuss my feelings, because I don’t have any close friends I can talk to about these things?

4) How do I force myself to stop checking his dating profile, checking my e-mail to see if he’s e-mailed me, checking his face book (we aren’t friends on there but you can still see who he’s added), etc?

Pictures of a deceased ex

CuriousJoe — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 07:25:24 -0800

A little over two years ago, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. A couple of weeks later, he passed away unexpectedly. The whole situation, the break-up and his death, was incredibly difficult for me. For almost the past two years, I have been in a relationship with someone else; this relationship has gotten really serious over the past year and a half or so. We were friends when my ex-boyfriend and I split, so he has been with me through this whole situation and knows how hard it has been for me. Generally, over the past couple of years, he has been very supportive and understanding of what I am going through. Since my ex passed away, I have had pictures of him and me together in my apartment and as my facebook profile picture. I have those pictures up because he was a very important person in my life and I want to honor his memory. In the past couple of weeks, my boyfriend has been telling me that these pictures (particularly the profile picture) are starting to make him feel uncomfortable. He doesn’t mind at all that I have pictures, he just thinks that since he and I have been together for 2 years now, it’s starting to be inappropriate that my profile picture is still of me and my ex. He keeps asking me how I would feel if he still had up pictures of him and his ex after 2 years of being with me, but I think that is not a fair comparison because this is a unique situation. Is he overreacting and being insensitive? Is it appropriate to still have up pictures of me and my ex together? Is there some sort of reasonable compromise here?

How do I forgive myself?

biochemist — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 21:39:47 -0800

How do I forgive myself for making a mistake which ended a relationship that was practically over in the first place? How do I not feel sad that he's now with someone else? I feel like i wasn't worth it for him to try, but she is. I dated this guy for two years and we broke up back in April. It was a shaky relationship, but ultimately he broke up with me after I attempted suicide. (Which had nothing to do with him and was because of feeling like I couldn't overcome my social anxiety, not having any friends etc.)

Basically, he told me it was over while I was in the psych ward, his family kicked me out and I was homeless for a short while before moving back home. We hung out/slept together/etc for a short time before I moved back but eventually said he didn't feel I felt enough remorse and didn't want me in his life because of that. He told me I should feel like a bad person for trying to kill myself and that I didn't feel sorry enough for what I did, there would be consequences for my actions, etc.

His reasoning for that was that when they asked if I tried to kill myself I said "yes" non-chalantly, but that's always how i speak when I feel threatened and I thought he would have known that after so long together but he didn't. His exact words were something along the lines of, "I realized something about you [after you said that]..."

I recently found out he's seeing someone else and it made me realize that I'm not as over it as I'd like to be. I talked to a few people about it and the main problem seems to be that I keep forgetting how poorly he treated me before the relationship ended. I basically think, 'Things were perfect and I ruined them'. Even if I remind myself they weren't, I can't go too long without feeling incredibly guilty about the emotional turmoil I must have inflicted on him by trying to commit suicide. I feel like I must have traumatized/scarred him by seeing someone so close to him dying.

I also feel hurt that everyone abandoned me, when I've since seen people threaten suicide and have all their friends/family rush to their side. I was completely alone at the time - I ended up having to call the ex for a ride from the psych ward to a hotel because I had no one else.

I've only told a few close friends what really happened because I harbor so much guilt. Even tonight, they reminded me how miserable I was with him, and I was. I couldn't sleep, spent almost every night crying, busted my butt trying to make things work and get him interested in me again... but at the same time I blame myself for that too because if we didn't have to spend so much negative time together maybe he wouldn't have lost interest. He likes his alone time, but we had to spend a lot of time together at first because I was reliant on him for school supplies etc, and I was usually in a sour mood because I knew he didn't like hanging out so often and I was afraid of pushing him away.

I also feel horrible that i hurt him so badly he never wanted to talk to me again. I've dated one guy before him and two guys since, and with the first guy I can accept we were both bad partners and the second guy just wasn't a great boyfriend. (still with the third) But with this guy, I can't get over what I did to realize we didn't work together. It probably doesn't help that he was my "first love" even though i was in a 4 yr relationship before that and I haven't felt the same way despite the numerous dates and two relationships I've been in since.

I know therapy is in order, and I do have an appointment with one coming up. AskMeFi tends to help as well and I thought I would ask here in the interim.

tl;dr How can I forgive myself for emotionally damaging my ex? It's been almost a year and I feel stuck - I'm ready to move forward.

Annoying ex, leave my mom out of this

and1 — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 13:59:00 -0800

How do I get my ex-boyfriend to stop contacting my mom? We broke up six years ago and now live in different states. We kept in some contact at first (text messages, occasional phone calls) but it got to a point where I wasn't interested in keeping contact because he'd end up cussing me out or insulting my boyfriend, or his girlfriend would get pissed off or some other kind of drama that I'd really rather not be involved in. Not responding I guess pissed him off a lot, so he'd contact my mom (emails and phone calls), and then tell me that my mom liked him more and act like they had some special bond. This was still more than a couple years ago. My mom thought it was funny and that he was being sweet but when she started telling me about how he was so hurt by me and all of the "his side" of old arguments /events, I said I didn't like them talking because her information was wrong and I wasn't about to start defending myself. When she told me that he was planning to "get" me back I said that I didn't want her to talk to him but at at the very least I didn't want to hear about it. She respected that and hasn't mentioned him since.

I've ignored the dozen or so texts and phone calls a year from him, but recently we've been in contact since he's engaged and starting a family (I figured this meant he had grown up some). He is inappropriately affectionate, and says that he and my mom still talk and that she will never like my current boyfriend as much as she likes him. I'm annoyed because I'd like to be on good terms with everyone but I don't think it's possible. I don't believe that my mom is as nice to him as he says. I figure I can go back to ignoring him (which has me failing the "good terms" attempt) or find a way to convince him that contacting my mom isn't cool.

Should I tell my boyfriend that we're friends with a long-ago ex?

Anonymous — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 12:40:00 -0800

Should I tell my boyfriend that we're friends with a long-ago ex? My social circle includes a guy that I dated 10 years ago for less than a year. He is now married to someone else, and there's no lingering unresolved business between us. He and his wife are part of my main group of friends, but as they are kind of busy, I don't see an awful lot of them, maybe once a month. Of course my current boyfriend (of 1 year) is always invited and often comes when this group hangs out . I have never seen a reason to tell my current boyfriend that oh by the way, so-and-so and I dated in college. It's never come up in the group setting and it's simply not relevant as far as I'm concerned. At this point I've been friends with him for so much longer than we dated that *I* can barely remember we were an item for a few months. The ex and I are not super close anymore, either.

I would be fine with my current boyfriend knowing, but I think it would be making it way more than it is to go out of my way to point it out to him. I'm just a little concerned that one day he'll find out and be alarmed that I never told him. If it were relevant in a conversation, I'd mention it, it just never has come up.

Am I obligated to make a point to tell him, or is it fine to let it go unless it comes up later?

This guy has cost me more Askme questions than he deserves.

malibustacey9999 — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 06:13:13 -0800

How do I get over him (and his family)? They live next door, I see him most days, and I just can't seem to let it go. His second marriage broke up 4 years ago. He moved in with his parents to get over it. I live next door to his parents. We got together on New Years Eve 2008, not long after he finally got a job (after more than 2 years of drinking beer and watching DVD's all day, all night). He swept me off my feet.

I was besotted and so were my kids. He seemed perfect. Got diamonds on the third finger of the left hand for Christmas last year (commitment ring - he was still married to his suddenly-lesbian wife). Talked about eventual marriage. I said that he couldn't move in with me until he'd lived by himself, I didn't need another child to look after. He assured me that he needed to live by himself too, he wasn't going to rush into another live-in relationship (he married his first wife when she was 16 after knowing her for 5 months, he moved in with the second wife after knowing her for a fortnight.)

When we realised we were getting serious, he was going to find somewhere else to live, buy his own car instead of using his parents car, divorce his second wife, stop spending $200 a week on takeaway food in lieu of cooking, aka get his shit together. He wasn't going to make the same mistake for a third time. I believed him.

Once I got the ring on my finger, he stopped making any effort to pretend to want to move out, buy a car, support himself, etc. His alcoholism became much more apparent (passing out when he sat on my lounge, dropping full cans of beer and lit cigarettes on the floor).

After 18 months he got violent when I pointed out that it was apparent that he wasn't going to do anything he had assured me he would do. His good Catholic father stood at our shared fence and heard his son scream that I'm a lying whore, heard me being thrown into walls and furniture, probably heard my 12 year old daughter sobbing in distress... and did nothing.

I see the ex-boyfriend most days, driving past in his parents car, dressed in the clothes I bought him, wearing the sunglasses I bought him. My kids play in our backyard - he and his parents turn their backs on them (and he'd told me that he'd grown to love them). I can't go into the backyard unless I'm absolutely sure that none of his extended (warped, drug/gambling/alcohol addicted) family are there because I feel so damned uncomfortable.

I can't move. I don't want to move. I have beautiful spring flowers blooming in the gardens that I built myself, even though I rent. We love this house, our landlady is awesome, we're happy here. Except for the neighbours.

I keep trying to ignore them. I do ignore them. But then I get all stewed up inside, I obsess about it.

Please give me a mantra, a technique, something I can do that will finally convince me that these people aren't worth stressing over. I just want to be carefree and happy again, and be able to walk out out back door without checking through the kitchen window first (and then waiting until the coast is clear).

Logic vs Emotions re: the ex.

biochemist — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 12:55:52 -0800

My ex told me he still has feelings for me and wants to see where things go. I'm not too happy with how he treated me in the past and I want to close the door for good, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Deep down, I want to say "okay, let's see where things go" but I -know- that would be a bad decision. I'd like someone to pick apart my reasons so I don't go ahead and make the decision anyway. Background:

- Dated but then broke up for about a month.

- He told me he still had feelings for me and asked me back out. I suggested we see if we can make it as friends first, but we ended up acting like a couple anyway. After a few weeks I told him yes I would like to be his girlfriend again, but he said he didn't feel a relationship was a good idea for him because the label made him focus too much on the person, to the detriment of the rest of his life. We continue on as before but without the label.

- We have a series of arguments over two weeks or so and the next time we see each other in person we realize we don't have feelings for each other. I told him I'd like to rekindle things; he declined and started dating someone else.

- I didn't talk to him for about two weeks, then we started speaking again.

- We get along fine, and on Sept 30th or so he tells me that he and the other girl were never exclusive, and that she wants to wait for sex so she's allowed him to sleep with others. He invites me out on the 2nd and we basically end up acting like a couple and sleeping together. I'm thinking it meant nothing since the night he told me he'd lost feelings for me we'd also been lovey-dovey.

- He and this other girl don't work out. He starts flirting with me sexually; I reciprocate but when he hints at sex in the future I told him no because I'd feel bad since I'm dating again. He got upset at this and told me he thought things were better between us; meaning he thought we had a shot at a relationship.

- I got considerably upset, told him I saw us talking again as nothing more than just-friends, pointed out that he just stopped seeing someone else and told him that his timing made me feel as if I was second-choice or that he only wants me because he's upset over her.

- He told me that wasn't the case and that he'd always had feelings for me, but that it was a matter of degree. He said he was hoping that telling me about this would be good news for us; I told him for it to be good news he would have needed to have chosen to stick with me during the times his feelings were waning, since feelings always wax and wane.

- He assured me he really did have feelings for me and that I wasn't second-choice over this other girl. He said that since they weren't exclusive he didn't stop considering others, and that when we spent time together and he held my hand/kissed me/etc it meant something to him and that it was special.

- I have trust issues and I'm trying to be more trusting in general so I -want- to believe him and believe that he has the best intentions even if he's going about this in a terrible way.

The problem is that I -do- want to date him. I'm at the point where I'm going out on dates with multiple people and I told him that if he wanted to be one of them that was fine. But deep down I -know- that's a dumb decision. But I'm afraid to close the door for good because...

- What if I do and end up regretting it? I kicked myself for not saying "yes" when he first asked me out again way back when because by the time I was ready he no longer wanted a girlfriend. What if that happens again or what if I say no and he gets back together with this other girl (he told me he didn't think it would work out with her but he said the same thing about me a month ago and now he's telling me he wants to try.)

- The main reason I want to say no is that I feel like he treated me poorly, and I don't trust him because there's something strange going on with him and his feelings for other people. It looks like he's in love with multiple people at any given time, or his feelings are really fickle, or he's not over someone and is trying to replace them... IDK. The speed with which he goes from person to person confuses me.

- But then I think, he's not a bad person and even though his timing is terrible he's probably reacting to some emotion that's part of what makes us all human. He confuses me a lot but I know emotions aren't rational and what if I'm wrong to write him off? I feel like... Yeah, he screwed up. But he's a genuinely good guy, we're all human, and we all make mistakes, and since I still have feelings for him I should give him another chance.

Lastly, I'm sorry for posting another relationship MeFi. I don't really have friends I can talk to about this, and when I post here it helps because I'm more likely to follow advice if a bunch of strangers tell me. As much as I think it's a bad idea to date him again I can't seem to convince myself not to do it.

Should I contact my ex-boyfriend for help with buying a car?

Anonymous — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 10:24:15 -0800

I’m looking to buy my first (used) car, but feeling kind of overwhelmed by the process. I don’t really have anyone in my life who is car-savvy. Is it a bad idea to ask my ex for advice or help? My ex-boyfriend was quite knowledgeable about cars, and I'm considering contacting him to ask for his advice on car models or places to buy from.

We were together for over 8 years and broke up amicably 5 years ago; the last time we spoke to each other was almost two years ago. I have no idea what he’s up to these days.

My current boyfriend is wonderful, but he’s not a car guy like the ex was.

Would it be weird for me to contact my ex and ask him for help after all this time?

She's mine

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 15:37:26 -0800

Advice needed regarding a "don't ask out my ex-girlfriend" communication from an ex-boyfriend. I asked someone out on a date. She is the good friend of a good friend. It was the good friend who suggested that I ask her out, and after she mentioned to him a flattering thing indicating her interest. I'm told she's excited about the date by good friend.

Today on the facebook comes a friend request from her ex-boyfriend. He is the brother of good friend's roommate. We do know each other, see each other in our larger social circle in our city, and we are friendly, although we aren't friends. It is my understanding their relationship ended when he repeatedly cheated on her with a former girlfriend whenever she was visiting in town. However, I am not really privy to details of their relationship, its duration, or how they currently feel about each other. I haven't made it my business, and I haven't felt it pertinent to my asking her out. It's possible they have been dating, perhaps on and off, for maybe a year and a half at most if that's important.

His message reads: "i'm in the process of getting her back. Please don't be a dick and ask my ex-girlfriend out a month after we broke up."

Really, I don't think I owe him any explanation or even an answer. I also do not agree with his assessment of my behavior here, perhaps because I think it is a little shitty to call me a dick. It just reads to me like the intimations of a possessive ex-boyfriend, not happy about the further romantic adventures of his ex.

However, I'd rather avoid confrontation over this, and without giving him any of what I assume he wants from his message (whether it's "leave my girl alone," "I'm itching for a fight," "acknowledge my entitlement here," or whatever), I do think in the interest of keeping the peace in this tangled social circle, it might be best to let him know that while I appreciate that our going out on a date might not make him ecstatic, his relationship with her is between them, not me. It was also my understanding it was in their past, and I have not been close enough to either of them to know otherwise. If she didn't want to go out on a date with me, she wouldn't. I haven't "betrayed" him or been actively plotting against him with his feelings or intentions in mind either. As far as I'm concerned it has nothing to do with him.

So I guess I'm looking for some advice about how to navigate this situation now that this communication is in play.

Should I take this trip with my ex?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 19:21:40 -0800

Traveling with the ex...good idea or bad? I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years, and unfortunately we have a trip planned to Europe in 6 weeks. We broke up on relatively good terms, and we're talking about counseling to try to work things out. In the meantime, I'd like the hive mind's opinion about whether it's a terrible idea to go ahead with our planned vacation? I'm inclined to say let's just go for it, mostly because I've been looking forward to this vacation for nearly a year. We broke up because his anger management issues, but I really don't think we'd run into those issues on vacation (because they tend to be triggered by factors that won't be present on the vacation). We're on good terms right now, and we're talking about counseling and trying to work things out, but we likely won't have made a decision on "us" before the vacation.

So, what has your experience been with traveling with an ex? Any pitfalls I should be aware of? Has you or someone you know attempted this? (Anon because he's a member...)

I kissed my off-again boyfriend's roommate—what now?

Anonymous — Wed, 05 May 2010 07:18:47 -0800

I got drunk and kissed my on-again-off-again boyfriend's roommate. Help me salvage my relationship of nine years as best I can. (Special snowflake.) I'm a 24 y/o female who has been seeing my on-again-off-again boyfriend (six months younger) for nine years. (I have had several long-term relationships with other people during this time.) We dated in high school for two years and then broke up during our senior year. Since then, we've re-connected (read: slept together, considered feelings) every few years, when I'd come home from college.

Most recently, I moved home and we were on-again for a brief six weeks. Things felt kind of awkward, and we broke up. Two weeks later, we slept together again, and had a heart-to-heart about needing to get to know each other better again if we were going to re-start the relationship. Things seemed like they were on a good path to a healthy friendship, if not more.

So. Let's call my currently-off-again boyfriend "Fred," and his roommate "Bob."

I went out this past Saturday night to a local pub, and after contemplating leaving for lack of people to talk to, I ran into Bob, Fred's roommate. Bob was pretty drunk and talkative, and told me that he "has to hate me" because Fred and I are currently off-again, but that he actually "really kind of likes me." Some other folks showed up (friends of Fred's) and Bob started buying shots for people.

Bob got really flirty and I didn't stop him (and quite possibly reciprocated—I'm a little foggy on this). He left the pub to go to a party, and when leaving he gave me a peck on the lips. I was surprised, but figured that'd be that. A few drinks later, Bob came back, and my memory is pretty spotty. All I really remember is that I ended up sitting on his lap, and that we kissed (tongue, the whole shebang) several times. I remember him offering to sleep with me, which I turned down. And then the bartender came around for last call, I went to close my tab, and Bob disappeared.

Fred knows that Bob and I kissed. I don't know who told him, or what level of detail he got. Fred told me via text message that he's not angry, just weirded out, and that he doesn't want to see me right now. That's totally fair.

Fred is incredibly important to me. If I believed there was such a thing as "the one" or a "soulmate," he'd be it. I think he is a beautiful person, a good person, a person that I hope to know for the rest of my life. Regardless of what our relationship status may be, I have nothing but love for Fred. We may not be in-love (and we might never be again), but I absolutely love who he is.

So, MeFites, it's clear I have a drinking problem, and I'm going to be tee-totaling it for the foreseeable future. It's really embarrassing that I let myself get that out-of-control. Had there not been alcohol involved in this situation, it wouldn't have happened, end of story.

Also, I'm aware that I'm struggling with loneliness and not feeling like I'm worth anything. (I am living with my parents, unemployed, have crazy student loans, am not working on anything I care about at the moment.) I have moderate depression and anxiety for which I take meds (another reason not to drink), and there is a possible bipolar ii diagnosis in the works. I am getting the distinct impression that a version of my mania is triggered by alcohol.

The alcohol and the mental health issues are not excuses for my actions, but do help to explain. I am well aware of my need to overhaul my life. I fully own this mistake, I am not trying to shift blame.

So, what do I do to salvage my relationship with Fred? Do I just wait? I don't want to pester him with phone calls, texts, emails, or running into him at "his spots." But I also know that if I drop out of his life completely, I'll also be even more miserable—just disappearing makes it possible for him to resume his life as if I don't exist here, which isn't something I want. Also, the people I've been social with since coming back home are primarily his friends.

As for Bob, I can't contact him (I don't have his phone number, he's not on facebook)… and I'm not sure I should, even if I could. What happened was a one-time thing and I think it's best to just turn our backs on it completely.

Please, I'm not looking for advice on changing my life. I don't need to be told that I need therapy or different meds, or that I need to stop drinking—I am fully aware of all these things.

I am also aware that I'm not in great shape to be in a romantic relationship, but I care deeply about saving my relationship (friendly or otherwise) with Fred.

Feel free to contact me at throwaway197@gmail.com.

Just leave me alone!

Anonymous — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 22:08:04 -0800

How can I get my ex to stop harassing me? Long, probably beanplatey. Apologies in advance for both length and the poor decision-making that led me here in the first place.

Last May, P and I broke up after months of mutual misery. We share lots of mutual friends and saw each other often. It was tense, things coming to a head when he pushed me down a small (3-4 steps) staircase after I threw a drink at him when he said he was giving what was my cat (in his care after I moved in with an allergic roommate) to the humane society. He didn't give away the cat and we did not speak for a long time after that. He apparently told our mutual friends that I fell intentionally(!) and was lying about being pushed. Calls me a crazy bitch, that sort of thing.

Somehow we become tensely friendly again. However, whenever we saw each other things seemed okay to me but he would often email or gchat me the next day complaining that I was awfully rude to him and that everyone noticed. I would apologize, even though I feel I did nothing wrong. I have poor social habits and especially do not like seeing him, but still at that point wanted to be around our mutual friends so I tolerated seeing him. Plus, if I block him on gchat or ignore his emails/calls/whatever, he would badger others into asking me to unblock him, which is embarrassing to me and he knows it. This happened about once a month.

Now, last week, my roommate (who is close with P throughout all of this) throws a small party. I was getting ready to go on a weekend trip with my new boyfriend and his friends and I was nervous about it and not very talkative at this party, but I thought I was friendly enough to everyone. No, apparently not. On Monday he told me that I was unspeakably rude and everyone noticed. I am getting better at this and kind of shrugged it off, offering to explain and apologize to anyone who I've offended, then blocked him on gchat. A few hours later I received an email telling me that if I don't "behave in a manner that is anything less than friendly and polite in the utmost", he will humiliate me so badly I will move out of state, and also not to talk to anyone that was at the party, because they know how crazy I am (I don't think I'm any crazier than your average 24 yr old girl).

I don't respond to these, just cry a lot and freak out about being humiliated. I have no idea what he'd have in mind, but I really don't like being the center of attention, especially negative attention. I panic easily.

But wait, there's more! Some friends of both of ours (what I have left, he has convinced many people that I am psycho. He's charming and outgoing, I tend to avoid people I don't already know. I don't blame them for being convinced) are visiting in a few weeks and I had made plans to see them. He emails again, telling me that they are his friends and not mine and that I have no grace or dignity in contacting them at all, let alone wanting to see them. He reiterates that everyone that we both know hates me and doesn't want to see me at all. Telling me that no one actually liked me and that they only tolerated me because they wanted to see him happened often when we were dating. He was (is?) very good at reducing my opinion of myself and it's only recently that I've been able to feel confident in myself again.

What do I do with all of this? How do I get him to just leave me alone? If something akin to this has happened to you or someone you know, how did they handle it? I've given up on that entire group of friends (except for the fact that I live with some of them and can't move out until September). I've told him not to contact me, he calls me a coward and keeps doing it and/or badgering other people about it. I have no idea how or when he will humiliate me, but I am sure he will follow through with that threat. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never see that cat again.

I have contemplated a restraining order. I have photographs of the cuts and bruises from the stair incident, but no eyewitnesses (we were outside, everyone else was inside). It's his word against mine. I can't afford a lawyer, and I am scared of how he would retaliate anyway.

If you need more information, I am available at trainmap[at]gmail. Thank you.

(on preview: there are a lot of verb tenses going on here. I think I fixed them all, but I may have missed some, I'm sorry if it's hard to read.)

Should've-Asked-This-Question-Before-I-Got-The-Dog-But-I-Had-My-Head-Up-My-Ass-Filter

Anonymous — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 16:22:36 -0800

I used to live with my dog and (now) ex-boyfriend. I moved out. Dog now lives with him. I live in apartment that doesn't allow dogs. Ex is abusive to dog. She can't stay with me, she can't stay with him, even though he wants to keep her. If I find her a new home, she'll be safe, but I won't get to see her again and my ex might retaliate against me. If I leave her there, I'll get to see her more often, but my ex could flip out and hurt her. I'm not sure how to do what I need to do. (I'm asking this anonymously, so I'm trying to include as many details as I can)

Ex-boyfriend and I lived together, had a dog. Two months ago, I moved out to an apartment that doesn't allow dogs, so the dog stayed with him. I still watched the dog on the weekends because he works long weekend shifts. The ex has a backyard, but it's not fenced-in, so she stays in a kennel in the basement when he's gone. I have a key to the basement, but not his actual house. So, when I watch her, I let her out, feed her, take her on walks and sometimes sneak her up to my apartment for 3-4 hours each Saturday and Sunday. Sometimes, I'd pay for her to stay at a doggie-daycare facility if I need a break. She's a high-energy mixed breed, so she needs lots of attention.

The ex used to keep her on a leash in the basement so that she could move around, but about two weeks ago, the dog got loose and tore up a bunch of stuff. My ex's response was to throw her out of the house in the middle of the night (he lives near a very busy street, the dog could've been killed). He sent me a text-message (at one in the morning) saying "I've had it with this dog. Come get her or I'm going to let her loose all night". I got the message the next morning, and raced to his place, half expecting the dog to be dead. Fortunately, she wasn't. He showed me the damage she did. He then proceeded to grab her, yell at her, throw her against the wall, and told me that she couldn't live there anymore and that he was going to kill her if she continued to be destructive.

This was not the first time he's been abusive to her. Normally, he's fine, but if she doesn't act the way he wants her to, there have been times that he's hit her or just dropped the leash and walked away from her when he took her for walks. And! There's a picture of him throwing a cat on facebook (with accompanying "OMGLULZ! I threw a cat" comments). His hand is around the cat's neck and the cat is upside down, in the air.

So!
I immediately started looking for a new home for my puppy. It was a heart-breaking process, because I knew that it meant that I probably wouldn't see her again, at least as not as much as I do now. But I wanted her to be safe and happy. I finally found a place for her, last week, and when I told him (via text message), he said that he'd changed his mind and that he (and his new girlfriend) wanted to keep her.

I sent him a very pissed-off message about how I was worried about her safety and how angry I was at him.

To his credit, he asked me if I wanted to talk about all of this in person. I'd rather not see him ever again, but we need to get this taken care of. I want my dog to be safe, but I'm afraid of stirring up shit with the ex.
I'm just really scared that he'll do something drastic, like change the locks on the basement and make sure I never see her again or turn all of his mutual friends against me, saying that I'm just trying to hurt him.

I don't know what the best course of action is in this situation.
The best thing for all parties involved is to get the dog a new home, that way I don't have to worry about what will happen to her the next time she does something wrong. And then I'd never have to see my ex again. (Yes!) But then that means directly confronting my ex, and I don't know how that will turn out. Clearly, he has anger issues. He never hit me when we were together, but I was very frequently afraid of his anger. He's very reactionary; if someone hurts him, he's going to hurt them back.

I wish I could take the dog myself, but as I mentioned before, I can't have dogs at my apartment (I did look for apartments that did allow dogs, but they were out of my price range, or in bad parts of town. Also, I moved out of my ex's place before we officially broke up, so I wasn't worried about the dog part, I just assumed she'd stay there). I work 6 days a week and I don't have the time nor the energy to give her the attention and exercise she needs. As it is, I'm wearing myself out trying to spend several hours a day with her on the weekends. Plus, it's getting colder now. We can't take 2 hour walks for much longer.

Then there's the status quo, leave her where she is, avoid upsetting the ex, and get to see the dog more often. It seems that the ex's new girlfriend is a positive force in his life and she's been a good caregiver to the dog so far, from what little I've seen.

I don't know what to do. Or, I guess I do know what to do, I just don't know the best way to go about doing it.

If/when I go talk to him, what's the best way to approach him? How do I even start the conversation other than "AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGG!"?

Suggestions, pep talks, and all other forms of help are desperately needed. Thanks!