Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with ex

How can (or should) I stop a bad guy?

Anonymous — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 08:39:40 -0800

I dated someone who harmed me. What can, or should, I do to prevent him from hurting others the same way? There is something I'm really torn up about and I'm hoping someone can give me advice.

I had a boyfriend. We're part of a close-knit social group. He's a womanizer who has hurt about a dozen women in the past 3 years. One woman went to a mental hospital and left the state. Another called him a dangerous sociopath, warned people, and no longer speaks with him. One almost lost her job because of his abuse, and at times felt suicidal. He has moved onto someone new, and while their relationship seems stable-ish for now, if history is any indication, he will harm her too.

I have been losing sleep because he just got a leadership position in our community, running a 40 person camp at a festival we all go to. He is going to have access to more people and more legitimacy in our community because of this.

I know for a fact that this person is dangerous. It's been a long time since he and I dated, and I still randomly burst into tears because he put me through such hell. I'm still having nightmares about what he did to me, and I'm consumed by thoughts of who else he might hurt. I know that some other people are still suffering too.

I feel very compelled to say or do something, but I don't know what. We have a group mailing list that I could write to anonymously, but I don't know if I should or what I should say. I could send this new woman a note, but I also don't know what to say. On one hand, I know that there is a general practice of not meddling. On the other hand, if this guy harmed more people like he harmed me, and someone committed suicide, I don't think I could forgive myself. I look at the bad shape I'm in one year after meeting him. Then I think that he might inflict this on even more people, and it makes me want to do whatever I can to stop it from happening. I don't want more people to suffer because of this one psycho.

I am torn up about this. I'm really trying to wrap my head around what is the right course of action. I know it is best for MY healing to just move on. But, I also don't want to feel like I should have stepped in somehow but I didn't.

Thanks.

Looking for advice on how to remain friends with ex

fishingforthewhale — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 06:10:35 -0800

What might I do or not do in order to help us move from relationship to friendship? Having had a quick seach around these fertile pastures, most questions relating to friendship with the ex seem to want to know how it can be avoided. I am asking the opposite.

We recently ended our year-and-a-bit relationship, which was largely my doing although there was a mutual understanding that despite the many positives it wasn't going to work out. I'm very sad of course, but I think because it's something I'd been considering for a while I've had more time to accept and adjust to it. I believe she is deeply upset.

We have a few close mutual friends and live in the same corner of London. She actually has a really nice wider circle of friends who I've got to know, and I'd like (for selfish reasons I'm sure) to stay part of that too*. She has a record of staying friends with exes that haven't behaved badly towards her. I only really have one, and she lives in another country but we get on well enough.

My question is about the things I should or shouldn't do in order to give this every chance of working as a friendship of some sort. I know we'll both need time and space but I want to try to learn from other people's experiences in order to avoid doing anything - especially things I can't foresee at the moment - that might damage future friendship at this fragile stage.

Thanks all - much appreciated.

*As this might draw some attention I should add that I would would never push it if she wasn't comfortable with it.

How to stop pining, take action, or get over it?

Anonymous — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 08:52:37 -0800

What should I do about the ex that haunts me? Over a year ago, I broke up with a fellow I was dating for about 5 months. He was the first person in years -- years -- I'd felt a strong connection with, could laugh at the same things with, loved being with. He was incredibly talented and bright, sweet, cute, the whole package. But he told me, early on, he was "selfish," and he sometimes acted towards me in ways that felt selfish and inconsiderate. There was a precipitating reason (borne out of the selfishness) that I ended it, but we'd discussed his behavior in our relationship before. So he wasn't surprised that I was ending things and didn't fight the breakup, even going so far as to admit he'd acted in an emotionally immature way, that he was sorry, that he'd been worried he couldn't give me what I needed and I deserved better, and that I was the best girlfriend he'd ever had & he would have liked to have kept things going.

I was sad about the breakup and regretted it almost immediately. We tried to just be friends and I couldn't handle it emotionally, ended up defriending him on Facebook, etc. But I tried to convince myself I'd get over it. Friends and family kept reminding me he'd behaved badly. Intellectually, I knew this.

Yet I still missed him. I still miss him, a year later. Even though I've dated other people, got a new job, traveled, and done many other things in between. He just seemed to "fit." When I think of him, I get that empty feeling in my chest. I wish he were with me doing the fun and interesting things I'm doing now. At the same time, it feels crazy that I still care about him so much, which is what's hindering me from doing anything: contacting him or working doubly hard to forget him. Also, the things he did were inconsiderate but not mean, adding to the confusion. Despite his insistence that he liked me a lot, his behavior always seemed to indicate that he could take me or leave me. But I feel like I might have been too hard on him, considering he was a busy graduate student juggling lots of things.

So, I don't know what to do. Contact him? How do I even start to get back in contact, especially since I don't even know if he's dating anyone now? Forget him? How do I do that when it feels like every other man I date pales in comparison?

The extra wrench in the works is the fact that I'm being transferred to another city at the end of the summer. I'm scared that if I don't do something about this now, while I have the chance, I'll lose the opportunity forever. But I don't know what to do or how to do it. Especially because my friends and family don't support the idea. And because he could very well think I'm crazy. And because...what if we get back together and things are bad a second time?

Am I crazy? What should I do?

The ex is moving on, I thought I was but I'm not. What do I do?

Pericardium — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 00:19:39 -0800

My head is a mess after seeing my ex tonight for the first time since we broke up, kissing her, and finding out she had a thing with another girl that never went anywhere. I'm hurt but doing okay, but I'm afraid that if I don't take some kind of action I'm going to get incredibly more hurt in the near future. But what do I do now? We're lesbians.

She and I broke up in early January, I started dating new people a few weeks later to help me move on, she and I stopped speaking. Around a month ago she texts me telling me she wants to try to fix things, go on a date and see how things go. I accept, but we haven't actually had the date yet as she's been too "busy." I called that out as bullshit, saying if she was really interested she'd make time, but she told me I needed to give her the benefit of the doubt so I did.

That's the backstory. Today she tells me she met someone else at a bar, they exchanged numbers and have texted and seen each other a few times at the bar, but she thinks that's over because the girl didn't text her at all over the weekend and has some guy that's interested in her and when they were at the bar together the girl only talked to her for a few minutes. She also added that the girl sent her a boob picture and that they were "nice." and that she was hot. Great. I don't think she was saying that to be manipulative, she's just the oversharing type and I've certainly had similar thoughts about other women, but ouch. She also said that with her and me, the fact that I've slept with other people is a roadblock for her. She kept saying "I want to kiss you, and I know we weren't together and you can do whatever you want, but I keep thinking about you sleeping with other people."

The problem is the other girl really bothers me. She's been telling me she's not ready to date anyone else yet, couldn't even think of it, and now there's a shift there that she's actually given someone her number. I tried to talk to her about it on the phone after she told me, asking her what about the things she's been saying about me? But she only said I was being hypocritical since I'd already dated/slept with/had feelings for someone else, which is true and it happened the same way, didn't actually expect to meet someone so soon but I did. She also reminded me that nothing actually happened between her and the girl, she wasn't upset that it seemed to be over and she wasn't actually looking to meet someone, she just did. She was basically really upset that I was upset, which is understandable, I guess. I don't know.

I started dating again because I was trying to move on from her, and even after she texted me about still being in love with me and what-not she barely spoke to me and we never hung out. So I didn't stop seeing other people in the meantime because it seemed like that was going to just peter out.

Then I saw her tonight, first time since we broke up, which is when she told me about that other girl along with some other stuff in her life. And also we kissed, and she kissed me goodbye, and afterwards she called to say I looked really pretty... does that mean anything? I'm afraid that while I've been moving more towards her (the main reason the other girl I had feelings for and I never became "official" was because I was waiting on the ex, and we aren't dating anymore for the same reason) she's moving away from me.

I thought I was ready to move on, but after tonight and seeing her again and kissing her I feel like I just want to be with her. But I also feel like I'm just setting myself up to get hurt... she barely spoke to me or saw me in the month or so before we broke up because she was "deciding" whether or not she wanted to be with me. I'm worried if I stop seeing other people now, even just casually, I'll be stuck on her indefinitely while she moves on... when I put the dates together, if I'd been waiting for her to actually see me this whole time I'd have been waiting for 4 months. And worse, I worry that all of a sudden she'll tell me she has a girlfriend and I'll have wasted that healing time. Especially with her telling me me sleeping with others is a "roadblock" for her, it seems pointless.

But if I let go now, knowing that I do want to try again, I worry that I'll always wonder what would have been. Honestly, my feelings over seeing her made me realize I don't want to date other people anymore, I'd rather just focus on fixing things. But that's a difficult decision to make when I barely hear from her and she hasn't been able to make time for me in over a month (tonight was just 5 minutes she had before she went to hang out with someone else.) Plus it seems like bullshit, when she tells me about meeting some other person I suddenly say "Oh I don't want to date anyone else anymore, I just want you?" She did that to me when she asked me on that date, and everyone I knew said it was bullshit, that she wasn't really interested but didn't want anyone else to have me either. I don't want to be That Person, especially since I know I've been interested this whole time, I just didn't think it wise to put all my eggs in that basket.

Guess I'm just hoping I can get some outside perspective on this whole thing, and what I should do from here, because my mind is just turning in loops right now and I feel confused. First time I see her since she break up and we kissed, she also tells me about some other girl, I realized I haven't moved on as much as I thought I had... It feels like a sudden case of vertigo. My mind is doing flip flops. I'd like to talk to her about how I feel, but given how poorly that went when I did it earlier it seems like a topic I should just stay away from.

How to become friends with my ex while I'm still working out my feelings

zettoo — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 06:56:50 -0800

How do I stay in loose, friendly, honest contact with my ex (from a short relationship) to build a friendship while I still have some residual feelings for him? I know we are only friends now, and I want to respect my boundaries and also his. There's no chance we'll see each other in person for a long time, so this is all about communication and not about sex. I had a short, mostly long distance relationship with a man whom I really enjoy, respect and care for. I developed stronger feelings for him than he did to me, and when I realized that we wanted different things (I wanted a committed relationship and he didn't, mainly because of distance but I also think he didn't see me as a girlfriend) I told him I needed time to myself. We didn't talk at all for a few months, but recently I decided it was time to say hello and see how we are as friends. I gave myself time to get over it before I contacted him - however, now that I have, he's been a bit sentimental and it's made me realize I still have some feelings for him. I guess I'm not as over him as Id thought.

Because our relationship was so short, and he was respectful and kind throughout, I truly think we can transition to friends. I'm not trying to punish him for not wanting me to be his girlfriend, and think this can turn into a valuable friendship. I REALLY think we can both be grown ups and have a chance to be friends. So here's my question:

How do I stay in loose, friendly, honest contact with him to build a friendship while I still have some residual feelings for him? I know we are only friends now, and I want to respect my boundaries and also his. There's no chance we'll see each other in person for a long time, so this is all about communication and not about sex.

Your feedback on how I can 'stay cool' and zen about things while occasionally being in touch with him is really appreciated.

Dealing with passive-aggressive ex 'losing' kids stuff on visits.

tenaciousmoon — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 14:20:04 -0800

Title says it. Passive-aggressive ex ' accidentally loses' my sons stuff on every.single.visit. Meaning I have to replace one or more of the following: toque, mitts, socks, hoodie, pullups, footwear, etc. every week and I just can't afford it. I can't send my toddler naked. Is there anything I can do about this lame game?

Is continuing to sleep with an ex ever not a bad idea?

krakenattack — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 16:01:54 -0800

TL;DR: The guy I'm dating non-exclusively is still sleeping with his ex. I can't decide if this is a red flag or not. For the record, I have been the one insisting we keep things open. I''m hoping the good folks of Ask.Me can help me out with a conundrum I can't seem to sort through on my own. I apologize if this gets overly complicated.

I (mid-20s female) have been dating a man (mid-20s male) for about a month now. I like him, and I know he likes me a lot; I've been trying to take things slowly because I have a long sordid history of jumping way too quickly into new relationships, and because I went through a serious break-up back in November and am very much not ready for something serious right now.

We see each other 2-3 times a week, go out, sleep over, etc. We have talked about other partners (I'm seeing other people as well, though not currently sleeping with any of them) and I know he sees his ex about once a week - he described it as a friends-with-benefits type thing. They dated for two years, lived together for some of that time, and she left him for someone else after lying about it for a while and broke his heart. They still have mutual friends and see each other through them as well, and as far as I can tell they've not taken a significant amount of time off from seeing each other/sleeping together.

I asked him if he would ever get back together with her: he said no, because he could never trust her again after her lies/betrayal; he then followed it up with "besides, she's madly in love with her boyfriend" which is what kind of threw me off. He's also mentioned previously that he doesn't think they (the ex and her new beau) are very good for each other, and I can sense some residual bitterness regarding the whole thing.

I suppose the problem I'm having is twofold:

-First of all, I think I'm worried that he'd never be able to really fall in love with someone else if he's still carrying some kind of torch for his ex. I don't know that he is, and maybe I ought to just trust what he tells me, but I can't help being a bit wary after my own recent heartbreak.

-Secondly, I'm not even totally sure how I feel about this guy; a lot of the time I really, really like him, and could imagine something serious developing further down the road, and other times it just feels kind of off and like we're not quite clicking the way I have with previous partners. I definitely want to give this thing time, and I'm content with him meanwhile, but:
a) I don't know if my ambivalence indicates that I shouldn't bring this potentially quite touchy subject up with him until I've a better idea of how I feel and/or
b) if our "not clicking" is because I'm holding back with him as I know his ex is still in the picture to some degree and I would very much like to avoid being hurt in this situation.

Too sum up in question form:

Is this even any of my business?
Should I attempt to bring this up with him, and if so, how?
Are there other potential warning signs I should look for that might indicate he still wants her back?

Extra bonus question:

Is all of this nonsense an indication that I should give up on open relationships and just ask for exclusivity? I really like dating/kissing other people but so far I haven't really managed to be sexual with more than one person concurrently.

Footnotes:

-Until recently I was still sleeping with my ex, so it's not like I don't understand the temptation, but I stopped seeing him when I realized whatever spark we had was gone.
-I know new guy is sleeping with one or two other people on occasion as well, and that doesn't bother me. Just the ex.
-I know he really likes me, for example he's suggested we make plans for a concert several months away, has wanted to see me more often but I've purposely kept it to 2 dates a week, etc.

Friendships after relationships

jlibera — Mon, 04 Feb 2013 20:18:06 -0800

I'm trying to figure out the best way to understand and handle the relationship between myself and a good friend who is also my ex. Snowflakes inside. He is over a decade older than me; I am in grad school, extremely inexperienced in relationships, and we work in labs that are tight with one another.

I'd been good friends with this guy for two years, when we decided to date. He was newly out of another, very long relationship, and moving too fast for me, we had some problems, and in any case it looked like he was soon to complete his PhD thesis and move abroad; so I ended it after three months. At the time, I still liked him and hoped that we could work through our issues and try a relationship again sometime, when we were in a more stable place geographically and emotionally; I told him that when I broke up with him, and we discussed it at length. That was nearly two years ago.

The breakup went worse than I'd expected. He begged me to get back together, told me repeatedly that he was in denial and thought of us as being on break (which I angrily denied), and told me repeatedly that mutual friends that we work with were on his side and thought that we should be together. That subsided, and for about a month at a time he would be okay with me and friendly, and he would say that I had been right about things that I had said when we broke up. But then - often at the same time as he was under external work pressures - send me angsty e-mails or initiate heartfelt talks trying to talk about us, and telling me that he didn't understand why, just as though the previous conversations between us had never happened. He would still mention that our labmates were on his side (I tried to leave them out of it, but got a lot of support from them anyway). Five months after we'd broken up, he became very upset when I mentioned in casual conversation to a third person that a tent of theirs was only big enough for 'two people who love each other very much'. Each time, I was upset and, increasingly, angry, but as these conversations were rare I assumed that he would move on and they would stop soon. I was also frightened of drama spilling over into my work life. Each time, I withdrew a little more, stopping more and more contact outside the lab; and I told him that I would give him as much space as he needed, but we both knew that because of our labs - which are close both professionally and socially - this would be very difficult.

After six months, I told him that I wanted us to stop talking altogether until he got over me, for a minimum of six months. I told him that I never wanted to get back together with him again, but that if he wanted to be friends again once he was over me, I would be glad to do that. It was difficult; but he was busy with his thesis, and he stopped being invited to my lab's parties. We were as close to no contact as we could be for about nine months.

We started talking again about six months ago. We were both cautiously friendly, and I was clear that friendly was all that I was willing to be. We've hung out with mutual friends and labmates and done work stuff together. I've missed him; I definitely don't want to date him again, but I like seeing him happy, he's funny, interesting, and very kind and infinitely patient with friends and strangers alike. He has very low self-esteem, which I think is unjustified, and suffers from social anxiety. He has just landed a job abroad, so he will be leaving in May; I think he'll enjoy it, but because he is unused to living alone and hasn't lived in a non-English speaking country before, I think he'll be very lonely at first.

Yesterday, we were on the phone, and he was feeling depressed; I asked whether I could do anything, and he sighed and said, "Nothing that you want to do." He then told me that he still had feelings for me, but that he'd managed to separate in his head, as he put it, the me that was an awesome friend, and the me that was the girl of his dreams and that he still hopes to be with someday; that he wasn't okay with the breakup, but was okay with my being over him. I suggested going no contact again, but he told me that he felt he could handle it. He reassured me that he was not trying to get back together with me, and that he just wants to be friends in the time before he leaves. He also asked if we could Skype (as friends, he said again) once he was in his new home.

I don't know quite how to react. The fact that he's still bringing up our relationship after so many cycles of drama makes me angry; he could just keep it to himself, or tell me that we need to stop talking if it's too much. The fact that he's telling me to my face that he thinks we'll get back together, even if in the future, I find disrespectful given that I've said that that won't happen. On the other hand, I have a tendency to catastrophize and may be blowing it out of proportion; after all the context was of him trying to reassure me that he wasn't trying to hit on me, and that he appreciated us hanging out as friends again, and I can tell that he's trying. I would really like to save this friendship if at all possible; but how to proceed? Nip any hint of discussion about our relationship in the bud even if it seems harmless, or let things slide as long as the gist is that he's okay being friends, but risk encouraging him? What sort of boundaries should I be setting now? I can see him possibly idealizing both me and our relationship if he becomes lonely in his new home, and that might make it awkward being his friend then; how can I head that off?

Thanks Metafilter, you're the best!

How to get an ex off the mind.

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 08:51:11 -0800

How much thinking about your ex is too much, and how do you control it? Simple question, but it doesn't feel so simple. I'm very happy with my girlfriend. I'm the happiest I've even been in a relationship, and it's the healthiest relationship I've had. The times I'm most content is when I'm laying in bed with her, just talking. This isn't about her, at least that my conscious mind knows of.

And yet, I think about my ex a lot more than I think I should. About little things, like her smile, or hugging her. The goofy stuff she does. Or I suppose, did, since I haven't seen her in a year. Last night I even had (another) dream about her.

I don't want to be with my ex, at least consciously. It was an awful relationship. We're friendly now, and agree that even though we enjoy each other's company we were bad at dating each other.

So my question is: Does this mean I'm a bad girlfriend, or I don't love my current partner? And how can I get my ex out of my thoughts.

Throwaway email is confusedstupidgirl@gmail.com

Help me deal with a (crazy?) ex.

sevensnowflakes — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 21:48:48 -0800

LTR ended without a word. We're going to have to see each other a lot. How should I handle this? I'm a grad student in my late twenties. About two months ago, my year-long relationship ended abruptly. As in one morning, I got out of his bed and left to start a normal day, and after I left that morning he never spoke to me again.

Prior to that he had been telling me he loved me and we had plans to move in together. While at that time, we were going through a rough patch due to lots of stress brought on by external circumstances, I in no way saw that coming. There were no conversations or explanations of any kind (not even a text). I wrote him a short email a week of total silence later (I sent him a single text during that week and received no reply) letting him know that I wanted to come and get my things; no response. He dropped my things off with one of my friends a few days later.

Obviously, this has been very difficult for me but I've picked myself up, come to grips with this as best I can, and have begun moving on with my life. The problem is that we're in the same graduate program (I know) and we participate in a major student activity together (I know). Over the next several months we are going to have to see each other very frequently in connection with that activity, starting in the next few days.

How do I handle this? I've never dealt with a person like this before and I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do. We will be in a relatively small group when we see each other - less than 20 people - so it isn't as though we'll be able to ignore one another. I've never been through something like this before, and all of my girlfriends are shaking their heads. All agree that his behavior has been bizarre and unbelievably cold. No one seems to have seen anything like it before.

I'd be willing to bet that a good portion of our grad-program social circle doesn't even currently know that we are broken up, as his own, personal friends didn't seem to know even weeks later (were texting me, contacting me on social media, asking me questions about him). I've been living a normal single life - going out on my own with friends, telling people I was no longer dating him when it came up, etc - but since all of this happened just before final exams, people have been focused on work and then on the holidays, so I'm sure the grapevine has been a bit slower than usual.

I'm also a little afraid of what my reaction to seeing him will be, as all of this did quite a number on me. I feel much stronger than I did a month ago, and am hopeful and happy about moving into my future without a person I now understand to be toxic, but I'm still licking my wounds. Any advice on how to prepare and comport myself going forward would be welcomed.

How much contact is appropriate after a break-up?

mellosphere — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 15:09:07 -0800

I broke up with my then-fiancée in September 2012. What is the appropriate amount of contact after a break-up? I've struggled with finding a good balance. Give me some advice for the next go-round. I'm 22 (m) and have had 3 dating relationships. The first, in high school, and the second, freshman year of college, each lasted about 6 months. I started and ended both of these relationships. After I broke up with each of them, I think I held on too much, didn't know how to end things well, and initiated too much contact. I had no intention of getting back together with them, but it was one of those things where I missed having someone to hang out with. I would call or text or email every so often and just check up on said ex-girlfriend. I realize this was not good on my part, and it didn't give them the space to get over me, especially after I was the one who broke up with them. They never mentioned that they didn't want to hear from me; in fact, both clearly said they still liked talking to me and keeping in touch. When they both verbalized (one very directly) that they were hoping I would reconsider going back into the relationship, I realized that keeping up communications was really selfish of me. I put their hopes to rest and decided I didn't want to go down that road of confusion again.

Fast forward 3 years, I was engaged and broke up with my fiancée. I'm not looking for a perspective on the appropriate age or time of life to get engaged/married...let's just say that I thought I was ready, then realized I'm not, and am glad I realized that before we actually got married. Anyway, I broke up with her in September (tried to follow Miko's advice which seems pretty solid) and, remembering that I didn't want to repeat what I had done with the other two relationships, went completely no-contact. And I mean, completely - no calls, no texts, no tweets. We still live in the same town but our social circles really weren't very entwined so I had no difficulties separating socially. We have, for the most part, completely separate sets of friends. I don't have facebook so that wasn't an issue. I didn't see her for almost 4 months. The no-contact strategy seemed highly recommended by this site and other individuals. There were 2 times between September and the end of the year where she contacted me about very specific things, and I did my best to reply politely but not make it seem like there would be any further contact beyond what she had asked about.

We ended up running into each other at a hockey game on NYE. She texted me and asked if we could chat sometime, and I said that would be fine, so we did a few days later. At this meeting, not only did she re-express feelings for me, but also criticized me for not keeping in touch. She said she was very worried about me after the break-up and that I should have updated her once in a while just to let her know how I was doing, if I was alive, if there was another girl in the picture, and to ask her how she was doing as well. Evidently, my very strict no-contact had not helped her move on and she was still holding on to the hope that we might end up together, even though I have zero thoughts about doing so and every time she has asked about that I have firmly stated it is not a possibility. Going forward, she requested that I let her know when I start dating someone else because she thinks that will make it easier for her to get over me. I said I probably won't do that because I don't have any idea when that will happen and plus why does it matter to you? She said that it seemed like I didn't care about her heart at all if I wouldn't even tell her when I had found someone else.

So...what's your take on the contact/no-contact approaches after break-ups? For me, going no-contact was just what I needed to move on. I don't feel ties to her as anything more than a distant friend. But is that just because I was the one initiating the break-up? I don't despise any of the girls I've dated, but I had come to think that no-contact mode was generally the best way to go. I don't plan on contacting her when I get back from living abroad in July, or when I start grad school in August, or when I start dating someone else whenever that is. Is that wrong of me? My ex-fiancée certainly seemed to think it was disrespectful to break her heart and then disappear into the wind. I can be somewhat of a loner, so the disappearing act is no problem for me.

tl;dr: From both perspectives of being broken up with and being the one who is initiating the break-up, what worked the best or caused the least pain for both parties as far as keeping in touch post-break-up? Or do you see something in my specific experience that you can relate to or help me see what I should do better?

How to behave around your ex

artystar — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 02:41:09 -0800

What should I wear and how should I behave at a dinner, where my ex will be with his new gf? Hi all, I have already posted about my ex and our relationship which only really ended a month ago. I was overwhelmed by the support from the metafilter community and realised quickly that I had been treated very badly.

In my previous question I mentioned the dinner which is with a political party that we are both involved in. My ex is bringing his new 19 year old gf (he is 27), his parents and his friends. (euggh).

There were mixed responses about whether I should go but I think I'm ready to face it now and am taking a male friend. I may regret this...

Are there any tips, however, on how I behave, what I wear? I want to look good but not like i'm trying to look 19 (Im 26). I plan to ignore him or should I make a point of saying hello? Should I ignore his parents - we get on sooo well....

Any help would be really appreciated. Everyone here really helped me with my previous question, when I have a low point I still read those answers.

Thanks

Repeating old relationship patterns

bookgirl18 — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 18:40:52 -0800

Still not over the same old guy? Hi y'all,

I need you guys to kick some RelationshipFilter sense into me. I am currently in a pretty serious relationship with a great person, but we are in a bit of a slump. I have been dealing with real mental and physical health issues, and we have been working through them, but it is tough. We are both facing a possible move at the end of this academic year, and we will have to make some serious decisions pretty soon.
Of course, at this moment, the ex from this post has decided to resurface. We have been pretty good at staying friends and I know he is in another long-term relationship as well, even though I secretly sorta kinda miss him and always have. But not in a very active or important way, since I started seeing this current person. And, despite that other post, I left well enough alone and did not make some huge declaration of feeling at that time. It seemed to be the right move.

Except now, we met for coffee (which we do occasionally) and he suddenly blurted out that he can't stop thinking about me and misses me. This, in the middle of everything, threw me for a loop. In response, I gave him a hug and said I liked seeing him, or some similar innocuous response. Since then we have been emailing each other a lot more and had one phone call. I've told my SO about all of this and neither of us has said anything that is unkosher , so to speak, in these emails. But this is bringing all up kinds of old feelings and making it hard, mostly because I also miss this guy. My current relationship, though wonderful in so many ways, still isn't what I had with that ex. I've noticed they have very different "love languages" - my current guy is much more of a doer, expressing his feelings by doing things that demonstrate the extent of his feelings. I know this is how he shows love and I understand it, but I sometimes miss the intense verbal exchanges that my ex and I used to have. I don't know if he is unhappy with his current girlfriend, and I still feel like things are unresolved between us. The fact that I still feel like this after four years, and that I sort of maybe threw something so special away, makes me so unbearably sad.
I also, logically, know a lot of other important things. I know that I am probably thinking about him because of all the current issues I have going on in my life. I know that I do not want to do anything to hurt my current SO and that it would be unwise to really think too much about this right now. I also know that we have both changed a lot and the person I miss probably isn't the same as the person he is now (or I am now). But now I am starting to relive all the pain and sadness from that last breakup, including how often I wished I had not done it and how I have never told him how much I miss him, too. My heart is aching a little bit.
Mefi, is there any good to be had from talking to this guy about our past now? I don't know if his intentions are entirely platonic or clear, and I don't know if I should ask him or not - I guess I will have to if these emails continue. Maybe we are eventually headed for a point where we can end up together, but I really don't know if that is possible. Moreover, I don't want to be wallowing in pain from a breakup four years ago. How do I reconcile myself to just living my life and trying not to let this get to me too much? Do I cut off all contact? Learn to live with the fact that maybe I'm still not over this guy and might never have something so special again? I guess this happens all the time, but it is pretty damn sad.

Thanks, as always.

After a breakup, how do you deal with the rejection?

thank you silence — Thu, 15 Nov 2012 09:51:47 -0800

After a breakup, how do you deal with the rejection? My boyfriend of three years broke up with me via telephone six months ago. During our three years together, we developed a tight group of mutual friends. I thought we were going to end up together. My mom also died of cancer during this time, sending me into a depression which has only been made worse by the breakup. He said we were too different, that it wasn't me, that he needed time and space to figure out what he wanted in his life.

A few months later I saw him out with another girl. I've heard through the grapevine that he's been going out, flirting, drinking, all that stuff. He seems happy.

Me, on the other hand, I've been trying to do all the Right Things. No contact. Unfriended him on Facebook. Been hanging out with my own friends, making new ones, pursuing my own interests, focusing on myself, letting time pass. I can handle being single. I can handle being on my own. But the pervasive thoughts that I wasn't good enough? That he just didn't want me anymore? That after three years he could simply make a phone call and be done with it? That's what's killing me. I've heard time and time again that it's not me. That I shouldn't take it it personally. That it's his loss.

Well, I do think it's me, I do take it personally, and he seems to be managing just fine, so I'm not sure he's lost anything.

How do you believe--really, truly believe--that the breakup was not a result of some fatal flaw on your part?

Some details:
-I am in my mid 20's, he in his late 20's.
-I've just been diagnosed with severe major depression and been described an antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication.
-I have been seeing a grief counselor for 8 months.

Feeling like a lame duck in the dating pond

Anonymous — Wed, 14 Nov 2012 16:39:08 -0800

How to make sense of dating? Anonymous because I don't want this associated with the details I've shared under my username.

Relevant details: Straight, female, mid-twenties.

First relationship (around 8-9 m) ended toward the end of last year, then backslid (twice! good job, me) and dated some more on and off until things finally ended for good two months ago, when he moved away.

I've done the no contact thing for the past two months and things have been improving, but I feel like I'm the type who needs to find someone new to really move on from the last one. I'd love to meet someone "organically" out in the "real world" but I didn't have much luck there (though that might be because I was going to the wrong places). SO I tried putting up an okc profile and have gotten a lot of messages. Many of them are really nice (even if I don't find myself attracted to them) but I just don't have to time to respond to them all. I responded to two guys and went out on dates with both of them. The dates went well and I wouldn't mind going out with them again--the problem is, I probably won't be able to set another date with either until 1/1.5 weeks from now (extremely busy work deadlines and thanksgiving). That doesn't sound too bad...but in the meantime, I'm really having trouble mustering the interest to maintain communication. I don't particularly feel like texting them or reaching out. I'll respond and talk on the phone if they call, but I'm rather unmotivated on my end. I really did have a good time on the dates and would totally go out again, but I don't know if this lack of motivation means I'm not really interested or I'm just unused to this and need to exert some effort.

Worse still, putting myself back in the dating arena is inevitably leading me to draw comparisons between new guys I meet and my ex. I would really really rather not think about him, I think I'm still getting over it and I feel the best when I imagine him not existing at all. Unfortunately we work in the same field and have many many mutual friends and despite blocking him on everything some tidbits of info still slip in. I keep trying to distract myself from thinking about him and his new life/gf but that, combined with the work stress and dating stuff, is just making me feel more like I have no idea what I'm doing while everyone else has their shit together.

I guess my question is:
1) I'm totally lost with the dating thing. What do I do if I'm down with seeing them again but feel unmotivated to maintain contact in between in-person dates? Do I try going on more first dates? Dating is weird.

2) This stuff with the ex just takes more time right? What can I do to stop these thoughts from popping up as I'm trying to move on?

3) Did you ever feel like you were stuck in a dating rut/stuck on an ex and how did you change that? How did you move forward and meet someone else?

Help me stop e-stalking my ex

feastorfamine — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 17:02:25 -0800

Will you share some practical tips on how I can stop e-stalking my ex. I am having a hard time stopping myself from checking my ex's blog.

I've blocked the ex in my IM and if we were on Facebook I'd put a block there too. But I have the blog address memorized and I am not aware of a way to block it on my iPhone browser. I've already dial back on playing on my phone and hide it in my purse when I'm at the office. But whenever I have to go online for something and the browser is opened I have to fight an intense urge not to type in the blog address.

I'm looking for practical tips for stopping myself when I feel compelled to check. For example I read that some people keep a rubber band around their wrist and snap it when their ex comes to their minds. More tips and tricks like this, perhaps less sadistic, would be great (rather than "just don't do it!" or "don't ever go online on your phone" because that's just not realistic).

General advise for stopping other forms of e-stalking or obsession is welcomed too. For example to establish and sustain NC I removed my message app from the dock at the bottom and replaced it with a count-down app in the old spot. Every time I feel the urge to text the ex or read our old history I see how many days I've gone NC instead and it helps.

Thanks in advance.

Why can't I get over my ex?

artystar — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 08:34:41 -0800

Why can't I get over my ex and why is my self esteem so low? Will him and his new gf work? How do I behave around them? Apologies for the length of this and for how many questions I have asked- just very confused. It is my first time posting here.

My ex and went out for almost 2 years he told me he truly loved when he was with me. His parents thought we were it and even he said he had not felt like it before. He suffers from depression, which came out a few months into our relationship. I tried my best to support him, but he always said I didn't do enough, I didn't show him enough love. In the end he split up with me saying I hadn't been good enough. I was always fiercely independent and liked being busy but I did everything to make him an important part of my life. He was also jealous of my past relationships and any male friends in my life. He cheated on me when we were together (with a 44 year old that I knew) and after much begging I took him back.

After he dumped me he wouldn't leave me alone, constantly telling me he missed me and loved me but we could';t be together. One night he even cut his leg (all superficial) so I would go around. I still had a strong feelings for him so tried hard to cut him out but the constant messaging pulled me back.

He eventually asked me back, dumping me two weeks later because when we had split I had got with another guy (one night) someone he distantly knew- he said this was the same as cheating. He would still txt me after this though saying he loved me.

Two months ago he wrote me a letter saying he was in a different place (has a part-time job as a bouncer alongside his full time job) and felt we could work on things. Cautiously I decided to try again (why I don't know- don't know why the feelings wont go) Two weeks later he said wants to be friends and a relationship isn't on his list of priorities at the moment. I was heartbroken again, but decided to be friends. The following week telling me he had a dream we got married! I thought this was REALLY unfair after everything. My heart has been so confused.

Two weeks later I find out he has a new gf. She is 19 (he is 27) a student and barmaid, where he is a bouncer and they have known each other for 4 weeks. A week ago he told me they were just getting to know each other now they are in a full fledged relationship. She is very very pretty and young. I am surprised, he has never moved this fast! we went through a lot before our relationship became official and I know in the past he preferred sleeping around. Her profile pic is them two together and they have a lot of activity together. It seems so intense. I guess I want to know has he found the 'one' and has she really changed him. I don't want him back, as I know he is really bad for me, but I am curious.

I am also hurt and my self esteem has been knocked. We went through so much, had such a deep connection at one point (or so I thought) it was him who brought up marriage and children- was it all just lies? Is this girl the one that's changed everything for him? I've told him I don't want to be his friend and deleted him from my life he didn't care in the slightest. Don't know why I still care.

I am such a strong person normally, lots of people have been surprised at how much I have forgiven and how hard I am finding it. What is wrong with me? I'm working hard, exercising and studying; am also trying to get a new job and move but am completely exhausted by this and cant stop thinking about him.

He is bringing her to a dinner in a few weeks, with all my friends and at one of my political gatherings- the thought of it makes me sick. Should I still go? and if I do how should I behave?

How can I win his heart back?

canadiantuxedo — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 23:51:58 -0800

please help me gain back his trust and love - i feel like i'm dying I have really messed up and could use some straightforward advice.
For the past year I have been dating the most wonderful guy, long distance. Due to the distance, we have often felt different emotions at different times, but when we were together, we both felt so much in love. We had plans to move in together before Christmas.

Last time I visited, I got pregnant. We didn't use protection, I thought it would be ok (I've never been able to conceive, my ex and I tried for years). Needless to say, I was very badly mistaken. I was incredibly ill for a month, and then found out why. When I told him, he lost his mind. firstly, because he felt it was my fault (which, I accept, I felt terrible, it was my fault). but also, despite his being in his thirties, he felt a child would 'ruin his life'. he told me he still loved me and wanted to be with me, but that a child wouldn't work right now. I felt very protective of the unborn child, and told him, no matter what, I would never hold him responsible. I felt very protective towards this little unborn unplanned child, and in my heart chose the child over him. In my defense, I think this is natural behavior for a mother.

Fast forward two weeks, to the doctor informing me I was to miscarry as the heartbeat had stopped. I let him know immediately, I felt he would be happy, but also comforting. He was due to visit in a few days, and I truly looked forward to being together, holding each other. However, when i told him, he informed me he had fallen out of love with me, didn't want to visit. He said he cared for me as a friend, but that his feelings towards me were changed due to the miscarriage. I sort of lost my cool, begged him to reconsider, not leave me when I needed him most (miscarriage is awful, expected child or not). But he felt honesty would serve him best and he wanted OUT. He has since avoided me, and I've pitifully been begging him for friendship. we used to speak several times a day, and his absence is keenly felt. He is pleasant enough when he does respond to my messages, but, I'm embarrassing myself with my need for him. Even if he only has friendship to offer, the hole left by him in my life is immense. Two months ago he told me I was the best thing in his life, and today I am forgotten???

The thing is - I feel 100% certain he would love me if he could see me.. i'm still thinking about moving to his province, and trying to win him back eventually.. I see that I made many mistakes, but, had I not gotten pregnant, we would be together right now.

Can I win him back after he thinks he 'fell out of love'? Could it just be the after effects of the shock, and when he sees me he'll feel for me again? He knows I was planning on moving there before I met him.. So it's not like I would simply be showing up out of the blue to follow him around. In fact, I plan on giving him distance, and winning him back slowly, and with friendship. Do you think I lost his trust and heart forever??
I'm so sad. I'm upset about the loss of my best friend and lover. I can't focus on life. He was the only man i've ever felt like I could be with forever. He is the best most amazing person I have ever known, and I've lost him. Please give me advice. I just want him back.

Is he flirting? Trying to get my attention?

femmefatale123 — Sun, 28 Oct 2012 13:57:24 -0800

Is he flirting? Trying to get my attention? I dated a guy for half a year. We were really close–I thought. He told me he loved me & cared about me–& showed it as well. Two months ago he told me I was beautiful, intelligent, & perfect for him but something was “missing” & we split. He says he is scared because he was hurt badly by an ex-wife who cheated on him & hasn’t had a relationship for years. But he’s been divorced for 15 years!

We remained Facebook friends. Lately, he “likes” & comments on my posts daily, sometimes multiple times a day. Two weekends ago I went to a masquerade party/wedding reception & posted some pics from the party. I was wearing a sexy red dress. He commented on the album with a single word: “Ouch.”

He finds little reasons to maintain a low level of contact with me. It’s confusing and feels like mixed messages. I know for a fact he’s not seeing anyone else. Why does someone dump you & then behave like this?

Help! I have to interact with my ex while I'm still hurt and angry.

feastorfamine — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 01:11:08 -0800

One week after our (non-mutual) breakup, I have to work with my ex at an event. How should I carry myself? My ex broke up with me a week ago. It was not mutual so I am still very angry at her decision. I want us to get back together. The last week I have been crying everyday and wondering how I will ever love again (yes I realize it's dramatic but the would is still raw)

Before our break up we volunteered to help out at a charity event which takes place this week. We have been assigned to the same (small) team so there will no doubt be interactions between us. (No we cannot ask to switch teams at this point)

Obviously I will not initiate unnecessary conversations with her, but when communication is unavoidable how should I handle myself?

I can either act like I'm not affected by the break up at all, that I'm not the emotional and unstable wreck I am. This way I don't appear needy and opens up the possibility of reconciling in the future? (But this will take quite a bit of effort)

Or I can be truthful with my feelings, which are anger and resentment right now, and respond accordingly, while remaining civil of course. (So no smiles, short sentences, little eye contact etc)

There's probably a middle ground but my traumatized irrational brain refuses to go there.

What should I do?

Should I move to San Francisco?

blue rare — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 12:32:40 -0800

Should I move to San Francisco? Every reason in the world to move, and one reason not to. I’ve been living for about two and a half years in Los Angeles. I’m a Seattle native, and moved to LA for a job after a 3 year stint overseas. I’ve made some close, hard-won friends, but I still don’t feel very at home in the city. Part of me feels that it’s such a vast place that I just haven’t found my “niche”—another part feels like I’ve given it a fair shot.

PERSONAL ISSUES:

Recently, I went through a breakup, detailed here.
Before I decided to start the relationship, I was looking for jobs in San Francisco, as I had friends in the city and the majority of my extended family in San Jose. I was flying up to visit every few months and taking job interviews as well. On one of these trips, I was staying with a friend, and I met my friend’s new roommate. We started dating, and he broke up with me at the end of July. It was difficult for me, and we’re no contact now. An additional factor is that my friend is no longer speaking to me because I began dating his roommate—we have not spoken for ten months.

GEOGRAPHY :

Several months ago, I spoke to my boss about the possibility of transferring to the SF branch of my company, and recently I received permission to move whenever I am able to make this more of a reality. The company is located near Union Square. I don’t have a great sense of San Francisco’s neighborhoods, but friends have recommended Nob Hill, Russian Hill, Pac Heights, and the Mission. I’ve stayed with friends in the Mission before and loved it, but don’t have any experience with the other neighborhoods. A complicating factor is that the friend who no longer speaks to me lives in the Mission.

MOVING:

I have several thousand saved up, and am looking for a roommate situation for as high as 1200USD. I understand housing in SF is insane, and am preparing to show up with checkbook and credit report in hand when apartment hunting. It’s a bit early to look (but not too early to plan), as I’m vaguely aiming on moving after the new year because my lease goes month to month after the end of December.

I have a convenient setup in Los Angeles—a studio walking distance to work, gym, groceries, and doctor, for just under 900USD. Creating a walkable, convenient everyday life was a major priority for me, and is one of the reasons I’d rather not move, but I recognize that it’s a relatively small concern in the grand scheme of things.

ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM:

If the ex wasn’t a factor, I would have moved up to San Francisco yesterday. As it was, when we were dating I was almost resistant about moving to San Francisco (since I didn’t have permission to move at the time or other job prospects) for fear of moving just for him.

Now, I’m doing all the right things to get over it—hitting the gym, seeing a therapist, taking language classes. I’m not over it, but it’s getting better. Hopefully I’ll be feeling much better by December—it’ll have been 5 months by then, and we had only dated 7 months, long distance. But if I don’t feel better, or feel skittish about the move, then it’s not a big deal to wait a few more months. The last thing I want is to screw myself by moving there too soon and then feel pain at possibly running into him with a girlfriend.

I loved SF every time I visited, but that was because I always stayed with friends—and the one I stayed with most frequently is no longer talking to me. I fear that the reason why I always had such a good time in SF was because he was always a good host, introducing me to friends and taking us out to bars and restaurants. I have other friends and acquaintances in the city, but this is still a fear.

THOUGHTS:

San Francisco is a large city, and I feel like I shouldn’t let this bar me from moving there. At the same time, I fear that the startup world (I’m in online advertising) is pretty insular and my ex would run into each other. And yet—so what if we run into each other? People move on. And finally, there isn’t anything wrong with just staying in Los Angeles for a while. I feel like I’ve waited it out, and given in a fair chance, and want to be in a city that I feel connected to, sooner rather than later.

SUMMARY: Reasons to move to San Francisco: family, friends, career, city life, public transit. Reasons not to move to San Francisco: my recent ex and a former friend live there.

I appreciate any and all feedback—thank you!

Is this a new friendship or a ticking timebomb?

Anonymous — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 07:07:29 -0800

My ex has sneaked back into my life during a difficult time. I'm appreciative of his support but I'm nervous about backsliding emotionally. How do I set the right boundaries? Or is this just the "being friends with your ex when you're ready" thing I've read so much about here on the green? Years ago I was in a very passionate, unbelievably codependent relationship with my "best friend and soulmate". We were briefly engaged until I got dumped in spectacular fashion. After that I cut off contact completely for several years -- it was difficult but after about two years I really felt over it, like I had gained perspective, and was no longer mourning the loss of that potential future.

About a year ago the ex reached out to me with a nice email to ask how I was. I responded in kind, that was the end of it. A few months later he started casually texting me -- again, totally innocuous, friendly stuff. We kept up a sporadic, fairly impersonal correspondence and I was comfortable with that. It didn't upset the rest of my life and I didn't find myself feeling any unexpected emotions (like a "thrill" when I received his messages, etc).

Recently I've been going through a very hard time with a difficult diagnosis... conveniently my ex is a doctor. He's very interested in talking about what I'm going through, and, quite frankly, it's been a huge help for me to have a medical professional who is interested in talking about my illness, whenever, via text message, for free. We've been communicating a lot more lately, a lot more openly, and sometimes the conversation strays into more familiar/personal territory.

I've had a spidey sense over the past year or so that my ex might be trying to lay the groundwork for getting back together. I emphatically am not interested. I do appreciate his friendship and support. Is there a way to set that boundary without being narcissistic/needlessly harsh? And conversely, am I setting myself up for disaster by letting myself get close to him again? I know a repeat of our relationship would be wrong for me, but I'm concerned that continuing this friendship might lead me to a place where I would consider it and maybe even go through with it.

Don't want drama but don't want other girls being lied to

Anonymous — Mon, 27 Aug 2012 07:24:36 -0800

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of three and a half years. In the time we were still living together but broken up I found out he was starting several relationships. Should I let these women know? We broke up after pretty six months. He seemed to be depressed for several months and it caused major problems in our relationship. I tried to work on things for several months with the help of a counselor but little help from him.

After we’d broken up, I saw an email account up on his work computer that wasn’t the one that he used with me. So I started looking. I know I shouldn’t have, but I found he’d started some things with about five different women during our troubled times.

I’m kind of upset he seemed to be lining up other girls during the time we were still going out, but it explains some things. I had my suspicions that something was up before we had broken up because of noticing a sudden increase in texts on our phone. I think he was having an emotional affair if not a physical one at that point.

Anyway, it’s clear from email that some things are developing into a relationship with at least three people. I emailed myself some of the more incriminating stuff.

ne woman is local and it sounds like they’ll soon be dating. One I found a flight to visit her. (Sidenote he told me he’d be hiking, and I’m what is now his dog). One is practically begging him to come visit.

As far as I can tell none of these women know about the other.

I feel I have been lied to for the past four months. All of these ladies seem really sweet and like people I’d potentially like to know. And some have really laid out that they are vulnerable at the moment or inexperienced in relationship. Anyway, if I were in their shoes, I’d like to know before things got anymore serious. But I’m conflicted because I don’t know any of them and really it’s none of my business.

I’m incredibly happy to have broken up with him, especially if this is how he treats myself and others.

So should I tell him I know? Should I let the the other women know? And if so, how should I go about it? Should I still watch the dog I love to bits?

I really like my ex. Help!

Anonymous — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 20:05:17 -0800

First time round, he got his heart broken. Five years later, we meet again. I really like him but he’s not long out of a relationship. I’ve seen the recent ask.me on a similar topic but this is quite a different scenario.

The background:
- The ex (let’s call him Sam) and I went out around 5 years ago (I was 23, he was 26). The relationship only lasted 5 months, but there was a long build-up before that.
- The relationship was fun and adventurous, and he really made me laugh. Our conversations covered the sublime and the ridiculous. He was kind, generous and caring (in general as well as towards me).
- Things ended for two reasons: first, Sam was moving abroad for work; second, he said he didn’t want to continue as he was in love with me and could tell I didn’t feel the same way. I thought Sam was fantastic and really enjoyed his company, but he was right that I hadn’t completely fallen for him. A part of me was holding back, although I thought my feelings might deepen with time (I’ve since realised I wasn’t completely over my previous relationship).
- The breakup, which happened as he left the country, was very civilised. I missed him but got over it fairly quickly. I heard from mutual friends that he took it pretty hard (one told me he cried for days).
- Sam and I kept in irregular friendly email and phone contact for about six months. I heard he’d started seeing someone new and got the sense he wanted a bit of distance. I didn’t push the contact and it tapered off.

The reunion:
Cut to a few weeks ago when out of the blue he invites me to a barbecue at his house. We hadn’t seen each other since the breakup, although occasionally I’d hear about him through mutual friends and knew we were living the same city again. I’d also heard he was recently single, having broken up with the woman he started seeing after me.

I went to the barbecue, could only stay for a couple of hours as I had another commitment, but wow. Strong chemistry, easy conversation, major attraction. All his good qualities I remembered were there, but he’d matured and was interesting to me in a whole new way. I’ve also grown up a lot and could better appreciate how awesome he is.

The follow up
We met up a week later (it was my general suggestion to meet again, but he followed up to suggest the specific time). Once again, we really connected. We stayed up talking late into the night and after some hours, he said he wanted to kiss me but wasn’t sure whether that was appropriate. We kissed; it was incredible. This was all completely sober, by the way. We didn’t discuss the specifics of our respective situations and what this meant, although we talked a little about general attitudes to relationships and how a lot of people settle, and he told me that he’d left his last girlfriend because he felt that he would have been settling.

That was the weekend before last. As he was away last weekend, he suggested meeting again up this week, and said he’d call me over the weekend to arrange. I didn’t hear from him (argh!), so on Tuesday I messaged him to ask what was happening. He apologised for not being in touch, said he’d been thinking about it and “to be completely honest it has been super awesome seeing you again but I’ve realised he’s really not ready to be dating. Would really love to see you as friends though?”

I decided it was worth letting him know how I feel in case his decision was partly due to fear of getting hurt like last time. I responded: “Understandable and I’m all for periods of solitude. Was planning to have a conversation about just that when we met up. For the record, I was going to suggest that we got to know each other again slowly. Didn’t want to get ahead of myself, having only seen you once, but frankly, I haven’t fancied anyone as much in ages and thought that if you were ready to date, it could have real potential. If that’s not an option, I’m totally happy to do the friends thing. You just have to promise not to kiss me again. [Joke about thing we’d been discussing.]”

To which, he responded: “[Reference to joke.] I appreciate the frankness and to be frank back, it will be pretty hard not to kiss you. Despite also fancying you, with my current frame of mind I think friends is the wise option – something I should have realised a little sooner. Perhaps we can discuss fully over dinner tomorrow night?” I had other plans last night so we’re meeting this weekend.

My question:
How do I play this, both at the dinner and afterwards? I feel like I have to strike a balance between letting Sam know how strongly I feel, to overcome any wariness he may have about history repeating, and not scaring him off if he’s not ready to date, which would be understandable (it’s only four months since they broke up, and they went out for four years).

Should we hang out as friends and take things slowly? I absolutely want to avoid a friends with benefits situation, so to the extent we do see each other, it's probably wise to stay away from the physical stuff. Not sure how easy that will be to maintain given the level of attraction. Or would it be better to take a break and see each other again in a few months? Being rather impatient I'm not so keen on that option, but would consider it if seeing each other now would jeopardise the long-game.

In case it’s not clear from the wall of text, I really like this guy. I think it could turn into something special and I don’t want to screw it up.

I told a girl that I still have feelings for her and now she has stopped talking to me

johnx — Mon, 20 Aug 2012 21:48:09 -0800

I told a girl that I still have feelings for her and now she has stopped talking to me. I feel like such a loser right now, I'm not sure what to do next. This girl... I can't explain it. I often hate her, am irritated by her, she is often just plain rude to me, yet I still somehow want to keep talking to her. She is sometimes crazy, and does all sorts of mean things to me. She really liked me at one point, but then we sort of had a falling out and I stopped talking to her for a few months, I removed her completely from my life. She treated me badly, she rarely cared about what I had to say. I have never told her this so she still doesn't fully understand why I just ditched her for a while.

I decided I wanted to talk to her again, so I started talking to her again a few days back. Its been a rough few days, a good amount of fighting. Whenever I bring up the past, she says she used to really like me (we also said we loved each other but she never seems to mention that), but when I try to talk about it more she says she doesn't want too. I tried to tell her how I really felt, that I can't stop talking to her and that I think i still like her, then she just hung up with no warning. I feel weird at the same time that I care so much, I thought I hated this girl not long ago...

I feel like crap now, since I sort of let my heart out and was rejected. I'm not sure how to proceed, do I try and contact her elsewhere? Do I try and reconcile this or should I just give up? I don't know if it will work out if she won't even talk to me besides about the weather and basic junk like that.