Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with ex

Teaching an old dog new tricks...that I learned from another dog.

blackcatcuriouser — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 08:50:20 -0800

How can I teach my ex what I've learned while we were apart? My ex-boyfriend and I are in talks about getting back together. We've been broken up for a little less than a year, in what was a mutual, amicable breakup. We haven't discussed our sexual involvements with other people during the separation period (feel it's unnecessary, as long as we're both still clean - which we are.) We both know we got physical with other people while we were broken up (for various reasons that aren't important to the question) but haven't talked details, which I think we both prefer.

I had a brief fling with a guy over the summer. It was exciting while it lasted and the sex was unbelievable. He dropped some moves on me that I'd never ever seen and my body did things I didn't know it could do. (I'll spare you the salacious details but rest assured...it was good.) We would also use dirty talk in our pre-coital flirtations and it was a major turn-on. This is something I'd never done in the many years of dating my ex and is something my ex has said he's uncomfortable doing.

Summer fling guy is way out of the picture now, as it was a totally casual thing with no emotional involvement. I'm not interested in seeing him again, nor will I. I would like to work on getting back together with my ex, whom I love. Sex with the ex has always been good, but I'm worried that now that I've discovered some new, almost life-changing things that excite me, I won't feel entirely satisfied by him.

I want to reach the same sexual high with him that I did with Summerfling. I realize this probably requires a "Hey, why don't we try this?" or a "I'd love it if you did thisthing." I'd like to suggest some new things for us to do, or rather, new things for him to do to more efficiently get me off, without him feeling like I was comparing him to people I'd slept with while we were broken up. Admittedly, that's probably where my mind would go too if he started suggesting all these new things he was never into before. Added challenge: My ex and I have very different communication styles. He's very awkward about any sort of sex talk; gets kind of uncomfortable.

So how do I broach this topic with him if and when we get back together? Is it something I can gently ease him into during sex? Should it be a separate conversation?

How to mend a broken heart

mesha steele — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 08:11:51 -0800

HeartbreakFilter: Help me come to terms with the end of my relationship and quit being in denial. I’m a 23 year old second year law student, and he’s a 26 year old grad student. We’d been together for a year and a half (the longest relationship for either of us by far) when he dumped me last Sunday. I’m completely devastated after my Thanksgiving was ruined (I was supposed to have spent the day at his mom’s house like last year) and with finals starting next week, I’m a wreck. Help me adjust to my new situation.

He was my first real love, and I was not expecting the relationship to end, especially not so suddenly. We seemed so compatible, with similar tastes in movies and tv and we got along great even when just hanging out together. We met on OkCupid but had real life friends in common. It was just a fabulous connection both physically and mentally when we started dating right before I started law school and he went back to school for his PhD.

Some problems starting cropping up in my second semester of 1L year; I’ve always been fairly high strung with some issues dealing with anxiety. I would get really upset over little things, sometimes related to him but often just situational stressors from school. I mean, he was my best friend and I felt safe revealing my insecurities and fears to him. Conflict is rough on him, but he was always super sweet and calmed me down when I got upset and cried over something small.

The anxiety issues kept happening, where I’d pick a stupid fight over something ridiculous maybe once a month or so. To me, I’d get mad really quickly but it would also blow over quickly, and I didn’t hold grudges. Apparently, he struggled more with the conflicts and thought I didn’t seem happy with him. I was, and I tried to assure him of that. We had a fight in mid October about this, where we agreed to try taking a break, since he wanted more space (we usually saw each other everyday, and spent most nights together). After we agreed to the break, the next day he called me and apologized and asked me to come over. Everything was fine for a month until last Saturday.

The same sort of stupid fight happened Saturday, but instead of blowing over, on Sunday I went over to his apartment to see him and apologize, and he dumped me. He said that the relationship didn’t feel quite right and that if it were meant to be it wouldn’t be so hard. He said he needed space and that he kind of felt like he was losing his identity. But at the same time he kept telling me he loves me and hugging me. We were both crying, and I’m ashamed to say I begged him to give it another chance, but he refused.

Now, a week later, I’m still devastated. I’ve tried to contact him a few times, through calls and texts, but he won’t answer his phone. I know that I caused these problems by leaving my anxiety untreated for so long. I started back on Lexapro which helped me through a tough situation a couple of years ago; with the anxiety medicine, even after only a week, I’m not so concerned about the little stressors that used to bug me. I just want to give the relationship another try when I’m not so hung up about the little things. It was always just little things we fought about, nothing major.

I’m still majorly in denial about the breakup, too. I dream about him every night, and getting back together. It just doesn’t seem real to me, and so many things in my apartment and just life in general remind me of him.

After this long saga, my questions are mainly, how can I get over this sense of denial? I really want to get back together, but objectively it seems pretty unrealistic. How can I convince myself that he’s no longer my boyfriend? How can I stop myself from dreaming about him and reconciliation (I wake up so excited in the morning at first because I think the dream was real)?

Alternately, does anyone have any advice for how to approach him about giving things another chance? I really think the anxiety medication helps me, and I’d like the chance to show him that I’m not going to freak out little things anymore. How can I show him that I’ve changed? I love him so much, and he said he still loves me.

Please get out of my dreams!

MayNicholas — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 07:20:04 -0800

Help me stop dreaming about my Ex! I was in a relationship for 11 years. I left him just over 2 years ago because he still was not ready for marriage. We were better friends than lovers, but we were best friends for sure. Looking back, the things we wanted out of life were too different to have ever had a successful marriage, so I am grateful now that we didn't get that far. We still talk on occasion, but not as often since I met my current beau.

Three months ago I met a wonderful man whom I love very much. He is really everything I hoped I would be lucky enough to find in a partner. He feels as strongly for me as I do for him. We are making plans for our future and I know this will include marriage and children eventually.

Suddenly, in the last 2 weeks I have had dreams about this ex I was with for 11 years. Several dreams. This happened at the same point- the three month mark- in the last relationship I was in too (I wasn't in love with that guy though- so I welcomed the dreams because they were better than the relationship I was in at the time).

Now I wake up in the middle of the night after these dreams and I am like WTF! Go away! The dreams are of the OMG! I am so happy to see you! It has been so long! He is always happy to see me too. We consider getting back together, sometimes we kiss or just hang out. They are pleasant dreams at the time and give me a soothing feeling- until I wake up. Once out of my fog, I feel so thankful to have woken up and see the man I love sleeping next to me. I am so much happier to see him next to me than I was to see my ex in my dream.

Why am I having these dreams and is there anything I can do to stop them?

I don't really know why this has to be awkward.

flawsekno — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:38:49 -0800

College freshman drama: After knowing A. for a week, I dated him for two; I was the one who broke it off. A month later, I started dating D. It's been three weeks since that started and things have been fantastic, except A. still refuses to talk to either one of us. This is awkward because we all live in the same dorm. Is there anything I can do to make things smoother? Yes, this is fairly typical college freshman drama; my apologies, and I'll try to keep things short.

I think that A.'s overreacting, but I did make a lot of mistakes while dealing with him. It was the first time dating for him; I was coming off of a messy quasi-relationship/break-up from the summer, and I entered into this relationship with A. much too quickly (more or less right when we got to college) partially to reassure myself that I was capable of a normal relationship. I broke things off because I was feeling overwhelmed and because I wasn't really into him--I only told him the former. I also told him that I wouldn't be dating D. about a week before I started doing exactly that--oops. It wasn't a lie at the time, but I did change my mind awfully fast. I've apologized to A. about this--the only (short, awkward) conversation we've had since I started dating D. Basically, I acted horribly.

Still, A.'s an interesting person and I miss talking to him, or at least having him greet me back when I say hi; I also dislike feeling like I have to police how I act towards D. in A.'s presence (not in the sense of restraining myself from unbridled makeouts, but in the sense of avoiding couple-y in-jokes and hand-holding, etc.). Neither D. nor I have been avoiding him or actively trying to see him, and I say hi and smile when I see him, but A. doesn't respond and generally tries to avoid being in the same room as us. We all see a lot of each other since we live in the same small (50-person) dorm. These are minor annoyances, but I'd like things to be less awkward if at all possible. Is there any chance that A. and I can have normal conversations in the near future, and if so, is there anything I can do to facilitate that transition? Should I be careful about how I act towards or talk to D. in A.'s presence, or should I just have A. deal with it? I don't want to be any more of a jerk to A. than I've already been.

Again, this isn't a big deal, but thanks so much for all your help!

Am I the dick in this situation?

Venadium — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:33:52 -0800

A friend of mine is currently pretty pissed at me because I'm about to hang out with a girl that's friends with his ex's sister. In his mind it's only a matter of time before I'm hanging out with his ex too. Is he being an irrational dick, or will continuing to hang out with this girl only result in me getting a taste of my own dick medicine? I can understand where he's coming from as I was less than thrilled when my friends were hanging out with my ex, but that isn't exactly the case here.

Sex with an ex?

bananaskin — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 12:15:25 -0800

I'd like to hear stories or comments from others who have slept with their exes. I am a woman in my 40's....I had dated my ex-boyfriend for about 2 years, off and on. He was an alcoholic & liar during that time. Slept with other women without telling me supposedly during our "off" times, but there were definately overlapping times in which he never disclosed what he was doing. I found out and broke it off, then we got back together and on the cycle went. He no longer sleeps with other women, or so he says. Of course I do not believe him. He stopped drinking 6 months ago. But his basic selfishness & dishonesty continued.

Anyway, during our last break up & no contact for 6 weeks, I finally caved and called him to come over in the middle of the night, "just for sex". Of course, he comes over, jumping at the chance for sex. I had thought in the past, and wonder now if sex was his sole or main desire all along, not a real relationship.

We now have done this 2 times, and the experience was good, I guess. It was just plain sex. There was no intimacy. In fact, the whole thing from beginning to end was in the dark with absolutely no eye contact. I still hate him, but feel good to have this physical comfort, being quite lonely. I am "using" him now, and that feels like some sort of revenge, but I am sure he is not being hurt at all in this, as he enjoys it too.

I just wonder, how do you keep from getting hurt out of something like this? This really is not my nature, as I really want to have an emotional, real, relationship with sex growing out of that. I have found that I feel a little sad and dissappointed with the emptiness, being that the sex is devoid of any communication, intimacy, sharing of emotion. But I find if he just comes over late at night, then leaves right away, I can sort of "compartmentalize" this away from the rest of my daily life.

At the same time, it does feel a little liberating to just use him for sex and enjoy it just for that.

Any other people out there who have done this and have some stories to share or advice?
Thank you.

My boyfriend has been doing lunch with the ex and not telling me about it.

neblina_matinal — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 06:54:06 -0800

I found out my boyfriend sometimes goes out to lunch with his ex, and he doesn't tell me about it. I feel this might be a red flag, not necessarily because of the specific situation, but because it shows he is perfectly capable of lying, even if by omission. Please help me gain some perspective. My boyfriend has been doing lunch with his ex at about a once every three months rate ever since we started dating. They had been together, very on and off, for about 6 years. When we started dating, they'd been broken up for a little over a year, and as far as I know not really seeing each other.

A couple of days ago a mutual friend told me she's seen them together at lunch a couple of times - he isn't aware he was seen. She told me about it expecting me to know it already, which I obviously didn't.

I know I need to talk to him about this, obviously, but unfortunately we've been having a very busy couple of days, including a house guest which leaves us with no adequate time for this conversation.

The thing is, I can't turn it off in my head he lied to me. He could have easily told me they were occasionally seeing each other in a friendly way, and then mention it when it happened, as he does everyday with every other person he goes out with, be it male or female.

But in my head right now I can only think that even if this is one of those cases where he just didn't tell me because it's meaningless and he didn't want to bother me with the "ghost of the ex", it still exemplifies he can lie by omission and be perfectly cool with doing that, and I don't know how to deal with it.

Am I over-reacting? Is it weird I'd feel okay about him doing lunch with a girl friend and not necessarily mention it, but I see doing lunch with the ex in a completely different light? And yes, I do know I need to talk to him, but I need to figure this out in my head first.

I feel apprehensive because of the lying, on the one hand, and very hurt it is more important for him to pursue a friendship with his ex than it is to be true and honest with me on the other. At the same time, I'm not sure if I'm being overly dramatic. Maybe the not telling me falls under the "little white lie" department... Maybe he doesn't feel omitting is lying. I'm just confused. Please help.

My friend has a persistent stalker who is not getting the message.

Optimus Chyme — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 12:11:30 -0800

My friend has a persistent stalker who is not getting the message. Help us get rid of him. My friend has an ex who will not stop calling, emailing, or texting her. On May 22, she told him not to contact her ever again, and that he would get no reponse to any attempted contact.

Since then, he has called 13 times, leaving at least 7 voice messages. He has emailed her 40 times. He has tried to relay messages to her through other friends. She has read The Gift of Fear. She has not responded in any way to his calls, texts, or emails. She even is using her phone company's "parental controls" to block all texts or calls coming from his phone. He is not getting the message, apparently.

How long can we expect this to go on? Another two months? A year? I don't think that this guy is dangerous - he's a huge loser, but he has never been violent. She just wants to be able to open her email and check her voicemail without having to deal with this pathetic little shell of a man.

I will answer any questions you might have in the thread or via email.

Meeting the ex?

Anonymous — Sat, 30 May 2009 18:59:40 -0800

Tips for meeting the ex girlfriend? I have been seeing a guy for a while now, though we're not at the point where I would say that we're in a monogamous relationship-- which is fine with me, as we're having fun and taking it easy.

I have always been aware of his ex, who lives in a different city but has family and lots of friends in ours. Although their relationship ended several years ago, they are still best friends. I have heard through the grapevine that, though she is in a relationship now herself, she is pretty jealous of the guy I'm seeing and protective of him.

I am going to a party where I know I will meet her for the first time. She knows all about me and has expressed discomfort (to both her ex and mutual friends) with meeting me. I know that this talk COULD be considered controlling or unhealthily jealous, but I know all too well how it feels to see your ex with new person, and I totally get where she's coming from. BTW, I am friends/acquaintances with many people at the party, but there will be a lot of people there she has known for years.

I really want things to go smoothly, and I'd even like to be able to friends with her as she sounds really cool. Plus, she's an important friend to the guy I'm seeing. Any tips for making a positive impression, diffusion tension and awkwardness, and having a good time?

How to stop wanting my ex back?

Anonymous — Fri, 08 May 2009 14:32:45 -0800

How can I stop viewing my ex with rose-colored glasses? Everyone thinks he was a bad boyfriend except me. My ex and I broke up a month ago due to this issue.

I’ve been going out, having fun, trying to be happy without him, and trying to think of other men. However, I still want him back. It’s getting worse as time goes on.

At first I was content with the break-up, and felt incredibly happy except for when I spoke to him. I stopped talking to him, and during that time I looked forward to the opportunities I had as a single person. There was an undercurrent of wanting him back, but it wasn’t as strong as it is now.

My friends pointed out the ways he could have been a better boyfriend even before the pregnancy scare, and I agree with them. I haven’t tried to get back together because I don’t want to alienate them.

I’m having a hard time seeing him as a bad boyfriend. He hasn’t treated me well since the break-up and it still hasn’t changed my feelings. I think of the times when I could have treated him better, and how he must be feeling, and I forgive him. I’m like this with everyone, but it’s a hindrance when I’m trying to get over someone.

We were in a long-distance relationship, and although I was planning to move before I met him, it wasn‘t to his area. I made plans to move there, but decided against it (before the break up) and went ahead with my original ones.

Recently, those plans and their back-ups fell through. I think that’s why my desire to work things out is getting stronger. I think to myself, “What are the chances that the only place left is near my ex?”

I may have ended up there even if I hadn’t met him, because I have family there and like the area. However, I’m not 100% on that.

My ex doesn’t know about any of this. I don’t plan to tell him because I doubt we'll run into each other.

I would appreciate suggestions on how to get past this thinking. How can I get into the “he was a terrible boyfriend and I don’t want anything to do with him” mindset? Why am I not in this mindset already?

Throw-away e-mail: emailorzmail@gmail.com

Help me help him . . . before I lose my mind

lblair — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 10:57:37 -0800

Help me help him . . . be a better boyfriend. Specifically, looking for book recommendations to help him understand his 'role' as boyfriend. I'll try to keep it short-

We were dating for a little over a year, and after much back-and-forth I decided to break it off. Even though we loved each other, we were having a hard time relating- I was his first serious girlfriend, and I think he has some issues relating to others, including me. Basically, even though I loved him, he didn't know how to be a good boyfriend and I figured he would never learn. He has a hard time listening to what I'd say, and then internalizing it.

Well, now we've been broken up for a week and we're both basically falling to shit. It's horrible. I've never missed anyone so much (and I've broken up with several long term boyfriends.) He is saying all the usual stuff too- he loves me, misses me, realizes now that he took me for granted, wants to try harder. etc. I'm not 100% sold yet, but I kind of want to give him another chance- with conditions. one of the things i want to do now, while he's feeling open to suggestion, is drag him to a bookstore and find some sort of book that will help him understand what a relationship is really supposed to be like, and what i should be able to reasonably expect from him. (I realize I can tell him all these things myself, but I like the idea of him having it there in black and white, written by an expert, to refer to whenever he's feeling unsure.) Besides, I think it's only fair considering I've done plenty of that sort of reading in order to be a better girlfriend. I know these types of books must exist for men as well, I'd like to know which ones you've actually read and found useful.

Please don't judge me for my decision to get back together with him. If anything, this is kind of one-last-chance to get his shit together like he says he wants to, or it's off for good. And I know counseling is helpful, but neither of us can afford it, plus I don't know whether it's really appropriate for two people who have only been together a year.

Thanks everyone.

Axe the ex?

cachondeo45 — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 09:14:40 -0800

What to do with pictures of exes? I have three ex-boyfriends. The first has since become a good friend, and we dated before the advent of the digital camera. The few pictures that I have of us I keep in an old album that I rarely look at. The second proved to be an ass and was also around before the advent of digital cameras (or at least before the widespread distribution and affordability of digital cameras), and we are not only NOT friends, but we ignore each other completely. I have a bazillion pictures of the two of us before things went south. Should I just pitch them? Some are decent memories of a fun trip or a nice evening with friends. Do I just get rid of them? And as for ex #3, a relationship that ended a few months ago, I have lots of digital pictures of the two of us, but although it was an amicable break-up, we are definitely NOT together anymore. Do I put them in the "Ex" file? Leave them where they are, just kind of in random folders in My Pictures? Delete them? I have very fond memories of this man, and would hate to just delete him, but we're over and out and haven't quite made our way into the friendship zone.

What have YOU done with photographs, digital and otherwise, of you with an ex?

Someone Else Took My Road Not Taken...

Anonymous — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 09:56:30 -0800

I think my head knows the answer to this already, my heart just needs to hear a couple other people saying the same thing... I just found out that an ex is not only with a new girlfriend, but that they're moving in together. And some of the time frame sounds really similar to what he and I went through, except I made a different choice -- and now I'm wondering if I actually made the wrong choice. "Stan" and I started seeing each other in October of 2007, a month after his live-in girlfriend moved out. We were at first cautious about things being a "rebound" but soon fell for each other.

February and March of 2008 we were crazy for each other, to the point that we had a couple tenative conversations about "do you want kids someday" or "do you want to relocate to a different city someday". We were both on the same page on both counts -- in fact, he was the first time I could have ever seen myself having kids, and I told him that -- but we both were still being a little cautious -- on my part, it was because it was only five months we'd been together.

Then at the end of March my roommate announced she was engaged, and would move out in May. I thought a couple times about asking Stan whether he wanted to move in, but decided that it was too soon, and found another roommate in May, thinking Stan and I could revisit moving in together in another few months down the road.

Then Stan broke up with me in July 2008. He said the reason was that back in March and April, he had also asked himself whether maybe he could move in with me, and also felt it was too soon -- but then he'd figured that if he hadn't wanted to then, he probably never would. But he kept changing his mind back and forth about the breakup, thinking that maybe he didn't want to after all; after a couple weeks, though, he finally said yes, he did want to break up.

We had sporadic contact ever since, which I chalked up to him being busy. But then I saw Stan again for a little while yesterday, and found out that -- he started seeing someone long-distance in September of 2008, and just this month decided that he will move out of town to go live with her.

...The timing on this is all sounding very, very similar -- new girlfriend a month after breakup with the old one, talking about a future after five months -- and I can't help but wonder if, back in March of last year, whether I maybe shouldn't have gone ahead and asked him to move in, and that I made a mistake back then. He was the most affectionate, supportive, passionate, caring partner I've ever had, and it seems like the only reason he cut things off is that we both felt unsure about moving in with each other back in March.

And so now I can't shake the feeling that the only difference between me and Stan's new girlfriend is that she got to this point and said "yes, let's try" instead of saying "no let's wait." And so now I think I blew it.

Logically, I know that the real clincher is the fact that Stan was also hesitant in March, and if I had said something he may very well have been the one to say "not yet" and the same thing would have happened. But my heart needs to hear other opinions, so...what say you?

Thanks.

The exgf wants pics of when we were together, what do I do?

althanis — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 08:19:48 -0800

So the ex-gf wants the pictures from when we were together, what do I do? This is a continuation of this question:
http://ask.metafilter.com/102725/Should-I-be-more-supportive-to-an-ex

So she didnt contact me for a few months. Two days ago, her cousin, who I am friends with, msgd me and told me that the exgf asked her to ask me for a DVD which I had burned and was to give the ex before we broke up, but never got around to it. The DVD has hundreds of pics, mostly with me and her, but with her family and her friends who we used to all hang around with. I told the cousin I dont have the DVD anymore.

I know the DVD isnt around anymore, it probably got thrown away after we broke up. However, I DO have all the pics on my laptop, simply because it has pics of MY friends too, and I honestly haven't had the heart in almost a year to go through them and take the ones I want out. So all the pics are sitting on my laptop.

Today, the ex signs on to MSN with her mom's account (I know this seems weird, but they were family friends before we got together, and they are nice people. I don't talk to them to maintain a link with her, I just like them). She signs on to her mom's account and tells me how she would like to have the pics, that I promised her I'd give them to her but never did, and she'd like me to burn them for her.

I told her to fuck off, but she continued to keep sending me msgs, and it continued to upset me so much, and I couldn't believe after almost one year I have not gotten over this. I just blocked the account.

My question is this. I know how important pictures are, especially after moving to another country (the ex and I have both moved to different countries). Should I just ignore her request, or should I just pop in a blank DVD, and drag the relevant folders onto it, and just find some way to send it to her?

Or did she give up all those rights to get these pictures and me going out of my way to do something kind for her, after what she's done to me?

If it matters she has moved on already, started a new relationship within a few months of us breaking up, and that relationship seems to be pretty long-term. In the meantime I have been in two destructive, awful "pseudo" relationships, one of which I have posted about anonymously.

lunch with the ex ...good idea?

sniperantics — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 15:02:45 -0800

I've just accepted to go for lunch with my ex-girlfriend. I called her a couple of weeks ago to let her know that I still some of her belongings that I'd like to give back to her - and while she's emailed, called and texted me since then to meet up I've declined to scheduling issues. I'm meeting her tomorrow. And now I'm beginning to question if the lunch part was prudent on my part. I've just really tried to live my life since we split in such a way that does not constitute any element of her ...and I'm proud to say I've done that. I've no more feelings left for her. Just respect, great memories and the thoughts of what 'could have been'. That's it.

Since feeling is first: please give shape to this nebulous emotion attached to my ex getting married.

December — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:27:15 -0800

The syntax of things: what is this emotion? I'm a fairly logical person and therefore need to put a name to what I'm feeling in some effort to...dunno...put it somewhere emotionally and move forward.

History: I dated a really great guy for about two years; he moved away about halfway through the relationship, unfortunately to a place I didn't want to go although the door was open for me to do so. At the time, I was hurt he opted to move away because both of us expressed how good our relationship was. But he moved away for work anyway and we tried the distance thing for a while, of which I'm not a fan so my resentment grew and eventually we drifted apart.

I opted to leave the relationship and he tried to get me back for some time. I repeatedly said no, then a few months later I said yes. But by that point, he had met someone else. It was painful but I processed it and healthily made some changes to my personal and professional life which made me feel better.

I found out yesterday they got married - and fairly quickly, too, within a year of meeting. In the midst of all this, his sister actually called me months ago telling me the family wasn't keen on this woman and that they missed me. Painful. She also expressed concern that his deployment to Iraq had altered him (this happened while he was dating the woman he married.)

I'm trying to discern what I'm feeling. I didn't want to get married, nor did he. We both went our separate ways with neither of us being the bad guy. I want him to be happy. I am dating someone now with whom I am happy. I don't regret moving to his state to be with him as it'd've made me fairly miserable. I'm not jealous of his wife. What the hell am I feeling?

How can I get my ex to leave me alone?

Anonymous — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 08:47:03 -0800

My ex is still contacting me and begging for another chance more than a year after the breakup. A restraining order is apparently not an option. I can't become unreachable. What can I do? My ex of 3+ years broke up with me very suddenly over a year ago. We had about two and a half months of dissecting the relationship into itty bitty “why this happened” pieces which drove me batty, and I finally ended all communication very abruptly. I met someone a few weeks later and fell head over heels, and we happened to run into my ex on our third or fourth date—well, happened to, in that my ex showed up at my apartment unannounced just as we were arriving there.

My ex flipped out. He started calling me multiple times a day, stopping by my apartment and ringing my buzzer late at night, sending flowers to me at work, writing long drunken emails—basically, he only realized he’d “made a mistake” after he saw me with someone else. I responded only for about a week, trying to gently and then firmly tell him he’d missed the boat. Then I started ignoring his efforts altogether. But they didn’t stop. After a month, I threatened him with a restraining order. He didn’t stop. I went to the police and filed a harassment complaint, but since he’s never been threatening (only whining and begging for another chance) the police wouldn’t/couldn’t help me with a restraining order (I am in NYC). They closed the complaint in front of me. I got in touch with my ex’s mother and asked her to intervene, and she said she would talk to him.

After a few months, it died down to one contact every few weeks, during which time he moved to my neighborhood with his new girlfriend (which he left me a message about). But then this morning, more than a year after the breakup, he sent me another email begging for a chance at friendship if nothing more, and telling me that he has to confess he still loves me.

I should explain here that there’s no way for me to avoid him altogether—he knows my work number, my personal and work email addresses, where I live. I haven’t changed my cell phone number since it’s used for work (I’m an independent contractor and it would be a huge hassle to get a new number to all my clients). I simply can’t become completely unreachable. And while I can ignore every message, I’m still not able to avoid him entirely (he sometimes uses different numbers/throwaway email addresses, I guess suspecting I’ve set up filters to send emails right in the trash). And apparently the police here will not help me. Threatening a restraining order without the ability to follow through clearly didn’t work.

I realize I can’t control someone else’s behavior, but...this is exhausting and irritating. I’ve thought of threatening to start forwarding all messages to the new girlfriend, since I assume she doesn’t know this is going on, and I also assume that since they recently signed a lease, he doesn’t want an uncomfortable living situation, but I’m not sure whether that would work and don’t want to appear vengeful against her. As far as I know, she’s an innocent bystander and I would rather not hurt her feelings, but on the other hand, she might deserve to know what’s going on (I believe he was doing the same thing at the beginning of our relationship, and I would like to have known; I probably wouldn’t have stayed with him for three years).

But the main point is, I don’t want revenge. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to argue or fight or hear how wonderful I am and how much he loves me. I don’t want to dread checking my email, I don’t want to screen all calls from unknown numbers. I just want him to Leave. Me. Alone.

I should add, he is 30. He knows that I don't want him to contact me (every message begins with "I know you don't want to hear from me, but..."). I am a little afraid of him, although he has never threatened me and never hit me during our relationship. But his behavior over the last year clearly indicates that he has no self-control.

What can I do? What would you do?

How do I deal with a vengeful ex?

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 07:20:56 -0800

I don't know how to deal with my boyfriend intimidating me and making it impossible for me to move out my things. My boyfriend has always been very sweet, loving and giving until I told him I want to break up. Since then, he:

* Spread rumours about me to our entire circle of friends, thus exiling me. I don't want to tell them my side of the story, because that would require me to tell them he was lying and being spiteful. I don't want to cut him off from his friends or ruin his relationships. Plus, I cannot stand a minute more of drama.

* Gave notice on our apartment behind my back. Unfortunately the rental company doesn't allow more than one person on the lease, but I trusted him, so it didn't bother me so much. It's my registered address and I always pay at least half the rent (sometimes the full rent when he is in a tight spot). I'm now in financial trouble myself and have no driver's license, so I'm panicking about how I will move my things out.

* Went on MSN and told the three friends who didn't cut me off "If I catch you trespassing in MY apartment, I will call the police." I suspect he is bluffing, but those friends are now too scared to help me move out my things.

* Every time I try to talk to him about practical stuff like bills or when I can pack up my things, he refuses to talk about it and instead just makes a lot of hurtful remarks. When I ask him why he's acting like this, he says that I made him this way.

I'm so scared of him now and I've turned into a bundle of anxiety. I know he would never get physically violent or anything like that, but I still don't know what he might do and it scares me. Whenever I go there to try and pick some things up, he does all he can to intimidate me and it's so scary being alone with him.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm going to move my things and I don't know how I'm going to manage to be there alone with him while I pack everything up. Isn't there anything I can do to just get him to leave for a day and move things out with my few remaining friends so this can be over with?

Ex what?

M.C. Lo-Carb! — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 06:55:18 -0800

Can someone explain a passage/plot point in Aravind Adiga's "The White Tiger?" (Warning: spoilers!) I read "The White Tiger" over the holiday, and really enjoyed it. But one passage, near the end, has me mystified. Google searches and rereads have proved fruitless

On page 272, as the protagonist is reflecting (in a letter) on what he has done and its implications for his family and future, he writes:

That leaves me only one person to talk about.
My ex.

He then ponders the fate of this ex, who is referred to as "he."

The Mongoose? Did I miss or skim something?

How can I stop feeling resentment toward my ex?

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 06:22:41 -0800

I'm troubled by unresolved ex issues. How can I move on from these feelings of resentment? My ex and I broke up over a year ago, and I still feel angry because of things I never got to say. I put up with a lot in the relationship and got very little, and the breakup was sudden when I woke up and realized I was wasting my time. It was liberating for me, but maybe traumatic for my ex. I hardly grieved over the relationship, but my ex clung to what was for a long time, to the point where I felt I was being harassed and cut off all communication.

Now that I have had all this time to think about the situation, I realize I'm still resentful and angry because I never got to express to my ex exactly what I had been unhappy about for so long: my ex's serious faults, and how neglected and lonely I felt in the relationship.

I want to pour this all out to my ex in an attempt to share what my perspective was at the time. But I also remember how hard it seemed to be for my ex to let go, and the great effort I went to in breaking all communication between us. I feel that re-establishing contact might set my ex off again, and create the impression that I want to talk it out, start up a friendship again, etc.

I really just want to tell my ex off like I never had the chance to do. But, this doesn't seem wise. I would like to resolve some of the feelings I am having... how can I do this?

Should I ignore my ex friend with Benefits Birthday tomorrow?

zulonline — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 18:22:37 -0800

Should I ignore my Ex - Friend with Benefits Birthday tomorrow? And how speak to him after that after that? All my story is already explained on my last question threads, basically I managed to moved out from a difficult situation in which I found myself cared of, but rejected.

Still this person gets in touch with me ocassionaly and ask me about my life. I still got his keys from his flat , where I used to live before the "breaking up ", and I think he does'nt want to lose me as a friend.. but I can't guess what is in his mind, probably he feels guilty about cousing me pain as he did not feel in the same way I have.

Last week he called me briefly to say hi and asked me the favor to send a package to his doughter for Chritsmas , I went to his flat while he is abroad and picked up. He said he will let me now the adress where I have to send it. I haven't heard of him for a week, and is now his Birthday tomorrow! I dont know if he came back to the City or still is abroad.

I am totally confused , I have done all eforts to move on with my life for the last 2 months, I still feel him as a friend in some ways as he looked after me for sometime when I needed, although he deprivated me of his love while living together. And that makes me feel still so angry and upset .

I feel that ignoring his Birthday by not calling or texting him, will show him I don't want part of him anymore, and I will don't make a fool of myself again, as I invent and did everything for the past 2 years to win his love with not so good results.

But on the other hand, I feel that if I ignore his birthday, he willl think I am upset I am not over him, ( altough I am very upset becasuse last time he called I said that it was nice to see his flat was very tidy and nice when I picked up my mail and , as the last call he mentioned he had a friend ( a college secretary from his work and she stayied at his place for a few days and she kept the flat nice and tidy, I got really upset , and I showed to him ) also It is diff for me to be harsh to people even more when I have spent so much time caring about them and loving them , then acting on the oposite way make me feel guilty .

I also think he will be upset If I don't call him, he may think I am playing games ? or get resentment thinking that just because he doesn t love me , I can't be just his friend,? also I feel sad in case he came to the City and spend his B alone, and just because he was who decided to keep as just friends, he doesn't dare to call me on his day?

I am also afraid perhaps of loosing his friendship in a long term it might make me feel bad when I will be really over him.

So the question is please , should I call him tomorrow or not?
what do I say if I call, and what do I say if I don't when he contact me later to tell me his doughter adress? , how should I act ? what do I say about his birthday?

Thank you for your advice..I am very lonely at the moment and I'd like to have some diferent opinions which would help me to make up my mind to rhis respect. As you probably read I am quite confused and anxious about it. Cheers.

Should I be more supportive to an ex?

althanis — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 12:04:33 -0800

Am I wrong for not being supportive to an ex? I've posted questions before, some anonymous, regarding a breakup I've been through recently (last few months).

We were together for 3 years, completely devoted to each other, almost got married. She's a few years younger however.

She started to become interested in someone else, which ruined my trust in her. I wasn't perfect either, but I never cheated or was interested in anyone else. It was also a long distance relationship for half of the 3 years.

After a while I realized that in the future I could probably be happy with someone else, and even if not, I'd rather be alone and unhappy, than together with someone I don't trust and stay in an unhealthy relationship.

I've since stopped talking to her, deleted all her phone numbers, deleted her from every IM app, Facebook, everything. I also asked her to not call me, or contact me.

I've not stopped loving her, but I realized I needed to end the relationship, it was both physically and mentally unhealthy for me. I told her this is how I need to deal with it, please don't make it harder.

Since that happened, a couple times she's called and I completely broke down, added her back and started talking. However she has a new boyfriend (not the same guy she was interested in that made us break up), and it's not something I can deal with. After a couple days I told her I couldn't deal with that, and deleted her again.

A couple days ago she called me on the verge of crying. She and her new boyfriend had gotten into a fight. She asked me to add her back when I got home so we can talk. She told me I was her "comfort zone", and talking to me made her feel better. She isn't broken up with the other guy, they're still together. I also listened to her tell me how he made her a photo collage, just like I had made for her years ago, and she thought it was "weird". How he bought her a nice box to put their stuff in, because he saw she still kept a box in which she put the stuff I bought her.

I admit that at any time I could have told her to stop telling me these things, but I've come to realize I'm the kind of person that likes punishment, so I've tried to get myself out of situations that are unhealthy for me. I'm also doing my Masters, and trying to maintain my grades (all As so far despite the trials I've been through).

When she doesn't call, I try not to think much of her with varying success, but I'm usually OKAY. Whenever she does call, I just get emotional and end up breaking down, and crying on the phone with her, in like less than a minute.

She also asked if I think we could work things out. I told her I don't think shes in a position to know exactly what it is she wants.

The same night she called a few days ago, I told her it's unfair of her to call me when she needs help. It's difficult for me, and I'm trying to deal with this how I can. I wish her happiness. She said she'd try not to call, and if she calls next time if I don't want to start this again, let me not answer. I also think that is unfair.

So (FINALLY!) the question. Am I being unfair? Should I be more mature and just accept that we are no longer together, and just accept her as a friend and be someone who can be there for her? Am I being immature and burning my bridges?

What to do when you have left someone shortly before an anniversary and birthday....?

Anonymous — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 19:45:55 -0800

Two weeks after my girlfriend treated me to the most thoughtfully-indulgent birthday weekend imaginable, I broke up with her. Just a week has passed since we went our separate ways, but that means two weeks until what would have been our three-year anniversary and three weeks until her birthday, upon which I would otherwise be reciprocating her generosity. Is there anything I can do or say or give to mark the occasion appropriately? We were together almost three years, but in my heart there were obstacles preventing me from seeing her as the person with whom I might spend the rest of my life. As she is twelve years my senior at nearly 42, one of my worries was that the longer I stayed with her, the more I was forcing her to sacrifice aspects of life such as having children that I suspect, deep down, she would like to explore. I refused to co-habit with her and latterly found myself treating her with less than the respect she deserves, while hating myself for doing so.

She spoiled me rotten on my birthday, not just in terms of extravagant generosity but also in terms of lovingly-planned, meaningful gestures. To some degree I think this may have been a catalyst in my decision to end it with her. It was clear to me then that I owed it to her to set her free to find someone who will care for her and commit to her as deeply as she did to me. She railed against me for making an executive decision, but this was my choice. A choice made partly from selfishness and partly from love and a desire to see her have and be everything she wants.

Ending it with her and seeing her in pain was the most gruesome experience of my life. The past seven days have been the longest, most agonising and empty I can remember. I worry about how she is coping, how she is doing at work, whether she is being looked after and whether, like me, she is mentally looking ahead towards our anniversary that was not to be. Staying away from her, and not making contact, has been excruciatingly hard, though I am just about achieving that.

My previous long term relationship ended with me being the dumpee after eight and a half years. That was painful but in retrospect nowhere near as hard to bear as this breakup, of which I am the architect. I guess the mixture of love, loss, guilt and anxiety that I am feeling now is less palatable than the fragrance of fresh possibilities I could sense last time round. It's admittedly only been a week but I haven't been able to think of moving on or being with anyone else, even though two women have thrown themselves at me in the meantime.

Time and space will heal us, I am sure. But in the meantime, how do I address her impending birthday? I would feel it uncaring if a good friend or long term partner failed to acknowledge my birthday at all. And as I sit here amidst the many wonderful gifts she lavished on me so recently, it would seem preposterous not to offer something in return.

Is a simple card the best way to deal with this? A heartfelt letter? Do I approach offering my company, or continue to keep my distance, as she does from me? Do I avoid things I know she would like, because they are things that would be associated with "us"? Do I avoid offering my company and my presence? Will a useful, practical or fun gift entirely lose its charm because of the context in which it is received?

I don't want to intervene in a way that will cause her anguish. And I worry about offering her something that could be interpreted as symbolic, or that will later be looked upon as an icon of pain rather than beauty.

The Ex-Files

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 09:27:15 -0800

How do continuing relationships with opposite sex friends (and some former lovers) affect one's primary relationship? Can these relationships negatively impact the SO relationship even though there is no desire on either SO's part to cheat? I am in a relationship where we both maintain friendships with members of the opposite sex. We both have had minor bouts of jealousy and have openly shared them. I am trying to create and maintain the most healthy relationship that I can with my SO and am curious about these issues.

Are these relationship potentially threatening to the primary relationship in that time, attention and emotional closeness is directed outside of the relationship. I am looking for insights on this issue generally. Do exes pose more potential threats than opposite sex friends that have always been just friends? Does the frequency of communication raise any red flags, i.e. daily calls/texts/emails? What about if one SO is mostly excluded from the relationship with the ex/opposite sex friend? What if you are unsure of the friend's motivations? What about limitations on physical contact? What is your comfort level? What if you and your SO do not see eye to eye on what is appropriate--are there legitimate compromises?

I recently read an article about emotional infidelity and it raises the issue that these relationships can be damaging and almost always start out innocently enough. The article goes on to discuss that these relationships should be severely limited --i.e. no friendly hugs, no discussions beyond just basic pleasantries. The main point was that these relationships direct energy away from the primary relationship. Is this position too extreme or does it make a legitimate point?

Any personal experiences, opinions or thoughts are appreciated.

Feeling like a rebound..

SummerLove — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 13:00:12 -0800

In love with an ex boyfriend that i am currently dating, but i think he's still in love with his other ex gf, i feel like a rebound, should i stay or should i go? Help!! Basically we were together a few yrs back for about 2yrs broke up went our own ways and didnt speak for about 2 yrs, i had other bf's but never loved them like i loved him, he fell in love with another girl he dated for about a yr, they broke up and now hes back in my life.
But i know for a fact he still misses her and probabaly does want her back but doesnt go after her. i been hurt by him before i dont think i would be able to take that again. everything is great between us now, but im always paranoid that any minute now he will say "we need to talk, we cant be together anymore im getting back with my ex gf". i know he cares about me, but other than that i dont know what he really feels for me at the moment. Should i ask him? i dont want him to feel pressured that i want us to be more committed or scare him off, because i definitely want to take things slowly. But i also feel he is with me because he is trying to get over her somehow and that bothers me. should i wait a while and see where this keeps going and risk the chance of getting hurt, again!! or leave now?? i love him deeply, always have but i just dont know what to do anymore, i need to here other opinions besides friends.
Thanks in advance.