Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with etiquette

an offer I can't refuse

Scottk — Tue, 13 May 2008 06:18:58 -0800

Nearly two years ago, a guest at the hotel I work at offered me something. Two years later, I'd like to take him up on it. What etiquette is involved? This gentleman was the key financier for a very private, upscale golf and residential development. We spoke briefly about the development and he gave me his card and told me to contact him if I wanted to play the course.

Well, two years later my brother is graduating college and my uncle and dad are coming up to visit and we are planning to play a round of golf, as the four of us are rarely together. Playing this course would knock all of our socks off and be a memorable experience.

I know this gentleman is extremely busy running a real estate development company and I feel I am making the situation even worse by doing this on such short notice (the set date to play is May 16).

Anyone been in this situation before? What is the protocol here?

Where does the lady sit if the wall has a nice view?

NucleophilicAttack — Sun, 11 May 2008 12:15:43 -0800

Seating at a restaurant. I understand that in one-on-one situations, etiquette suggests that lady is offered the seat with the view into the room, and the gentleman takes the seat facing the wall. This and other sites seem to agree. But what if the "wall" is floor-to-ceiling glass with nice views of the outside? Now, I understand that there are no hard-and-fast rules, but in theory does the lady still sit facing into the dining room? Or should she be offered a seat facing the glass so she can enjoy the view?

One consideration that has been brought up, is that if the glass admits a great deal of light, the person sitting with their backs to the glass is silhouetted.

Tell me about "Tell me about" ... if you'd be so very kind.

zaebiz — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:16:26 -0800

Every time I hear a journalist say "Tell me about ..." when interviewing someone on television, I get really annoyed. It seems so incredibly presumptuous, pompous and impolite to demand an answer of a guest like that. Yet it happens all over the world. Is this standard journalistic practice? What's the reasoning behind it? Anyone else feel the same way or am I being a relic? The presumption seems to be that it is the interviewee's role to answer the demands of the interviewer. I've talked to many different people from around the world and I don't recall anyone in polite conversation saying "Tell me about your trip to Spain". They would say "Hey so what was Spain like?", "Did you have a fun time in Spain?" etc. In a more formal setting like at a formal dinner they might say "Would you mind telling us a little bit about your amazing trip to Spain?" A close relative or friend might say "Tell me about" but that's because friends are allowed to be a bit presumptuous.

(I also notice it happens on AskMetafilter and I always avoid answering those questions demanding we answer them. Maybe I am just not hip to the latest interpersonal presumptions.)

Small town; need small talk.

kmennie — Wed, 07 May 2008 05:55:13 -0800

I need to brush up my small talk for my small town. I moved to a village of about 2 000, almost an hour's drive out of the city, a year ago. I'm right "downtown" here, and leaving the house always involves chatting.

This sort of regular small talk with people I only know in passing is unfamiliar to me, but very normal for the town. I often feel awkward with my two or three lines in return to the people I pass, most of whom I see regularly but don't know at all.

I could use some etiquette tips on this sort of thing from other small-town dwellers, and some help with witty repartee. There must be things I can shoot at various folk besides the Nth comment on the weather.

Side note: I have a baby, who is always on me in a sling or other carrier. This of course invites comment (and gives me something to hide behind, and to talk about). I am never quite sure how to respond to comments which beg no response -- "She sure looks cozy in there," "What a cutie," etc.

I probably sound like a bumbling social inept at this point, and certainly I sometimes feel that way on the street. I should not. I don't think my current neighbours are radically different from the downtown apartment-dwellers who used to be my neighbours; this area suffers no peculiar politics or religious lunacy and I am certainly not the only urban refugee. That said, I am still very much a newcomer; my house is 'the old [former owner's last names] place,' and many people here have had family in the area since the 1800s, and I sometimes feel out of place. Which often leaves me a bit...bumbling.

What do I talk about besides the weather in those quick exchanges where neither of you really even slow down?

I've got my first real meeting- Help me not look like a fool!

GilloD — Mon, 05 May 2008 11:12:55 -0800

I have a meeting with an important figure in my field. I've never had a real meeting, let alone with a person of any genuine import. Help me prepare! More details inside. I recently started my first "real" job. The title was a little vague- Marketing Assistant- and it's kind of evolved into "Online Marketing Guy". This is great- I'm down with the kids, I know my way around AdWords, I have a Twitter account. I did a lot of reading, caught myself up on the pace of modern internet marketing and started to make some changes. I feel confident.

On Friday, I have a meeting with someone who is a minor God in the pantheon of internet/social-media marketing. We're a small company and this meeting was set up by a much bigger and much, much richer benefactor. In short: This is a super rare opportunity and I can't muck it up. I've been unable to get ahold of this minor God's book, but I read his blog and all the articles he's written. So, again, I feel confident.

Here's what you can help me with: What are some pertinent questions about social media marketing you might ask a minor God of the field? More generally, what do I need to know about "business" meetings? 6 weeks ago I was another schlub with a BA- I've never done this before. It's a dinner/drinks kind of meeting, so lax, but I'd like to not look like a fool. I have a habit of kind of overlooking things.

Any tips/tricks are well appreciated. I'll post any answers to your Q's that I get to ask. I'm not really nervous about the meeting, maybe just more about conduct and decorum. How to handle someone who is essentially donating his valuable time. And Q suggestions are welcome!

E-mail etiquette

Anonymous — Fri, 02 May 2008 07:36:35 -0800

What is the correct e-mail etiquette in this situation? I was asked (via e-mail) to interview for a job. The prospective employer signed with his first name and addressed his e-mail to me, "Hi anonymous first name." I thought that meant it was acceptable to call him by his first name so I addressed my acceptance of the interview e-mail, "Hi employer first name." Was that an acceptable thing to do, or did I make a huge mistake? If it helps, this is in the education field.

In appreciation for spiritual guidance and leadership

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 13:54:30 -0800

When undergoing an ministerial ordination ceremony, is it customary or common for the about-to-be-ordained person to gift the minister who is conveying the ordination? This weekend I am becoming legally ordained as a practicing minister in my life path. It will be a joint ceremony in which my husband is also being ordained, and is being held during a religious festival at which many people of our faith will be present. The person who is conducting the ceremony (ordaining us) is a valued mentor and teacher to us both and a very good friend. She is also a very well know name internationally among people of our path.

My question is: Is it customary in ordination ceremonies -- for any given religion -- for the ordained to give a gift of appreciation to the official presiding? During the ceremony itself, there will be a portion where people come up to convey blessings and gifts on us as the new ministers, but I feel I'd like to do something for our own mentor. I'm curious what the protocol is in ordination ceremonies of ANY religion about gifting one's mentor, and whether it is done during the ceremony or privately at some other time. If it matters, we practice an Earth-based spirituality that many would consider an "alternative religion" but is legally recognized by the US government and is developing a rapidly growing community. However, I'd like to hear perspectives from any other faiths since the etiquette in this is completely new to me. Many thanks!

Do I give them an out?

sully75 — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 11:46:31 -0800

Totally silly detail of asking questions filter: When you ask for something, do you give them an out? Situation: I'm writing a note to someone who I've never met but who I admire. (A photographer, in this case). It's someone I wrote to a few years ago and had a few nice emails volleyed when I was asking for advice.

I saw that she's passing through my town, possibly, and I'd want to ask her if she'd have a minute to get a cup of coffee with me so I could ask her some questions.

So I'm emailing her, saying "hey there, remember me? I see you might be passing through my town. If so, would you have a little time to join me for a cup of coffee?"

Now my question is, after this, do I say something like, "if not, no sweat, I hope you have a great trip?" Or "regardless, I hope you have a good trip?" It seems polite to offer an out, so if they can't/are not interested/whatever, they can just email back and say, sorry, and perhaps stay in touch. But I'm not sure if that's encouraging someone to turn me down.

As a totally guilt ridden person, I think I'd appreciate that in a note, and I don't think it would sway me particularly. But wondering what the hive mind wisdom is on this.

It's something I think about a fair bit.

Locket Etiquette

cjorgensen — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 07:40:20 -0800

I am buying the girlfriend a locket. One of the ones I am looking at has a space for a photo on each side. What goes where? I know there are probably no hard and fast rules on this, but what does tradition hold?

I think it's a bit narcissistic and redundant to put two photos of myself in there. She thinks it'd be silly to wear one of herself around her neck.

We have no kids.

She suggested a photo on one side, and a note on the other, which is what we will probably do, but was wondering how people usually handle this.

We may skirt the whole issue by getting one that only holds one photo.

grammar police?

pasici — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 06:28:33 -0800

Do you correct colleagues when they make grammatical mistakes? What is the proper etiquette? I belong to a listserve to which several lawyers around the state belong. We use it to keep each other apprised of developments, answer questions, and help solve problems related to our particular field of the law. Recently one poster, a fellow lawyer, used the term "Pyrrhic victory" to mean a hollow victory, as opposed to a costly victory. I know that pointing out the error (which is a common one, I believe) makes me seem like a flaming asshole, even if done gently. But, on the other hand, if I were misusing a phrase in this way, I would want someone to point it out to me before I used it in a brief or in a more formal setting. What would you do?

Did I handle this properly?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 22:54:30 -0800

New Job Etiquette: Did I do the right thing? I am a university student and have just landed my dream summer job. I am thrilled and I start on the 28th.

Being an 8:30 am - 4:30 pm job, however, means that I will need time off in a few months to attend a court date. I have to fight a traffic ticket (if it's at all relevant, I am 100% sure the police officer made a mistake and pulled me over for speeding, when it was someone else).

I was notified that I got the job yesterday. I will be communicating with my boss via e-mail for the next few days, to set up training dates and my contract, etc.

I e-mailed her this evening to inform her about the court date. I told her I did not want to ask for time off as I had just got the job, but I felt it was necessary to give her as much notice as possible (the job is very schedule-sensitive).

Did I do this right? Should I have waited until I started? Should I have told her in person? I am afraid I may have made a bad impression. If I did make a mistake, is there any way I can remedy that? This job is really important to me, and I want to make my boss glad she hired me.

Thanks for any feedback or advice.

(anonymous because of current co-workers that read the site)

Should I attend a co-workers wife's funeral?

supercrayon — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 16:22:27 -0800

Should I attend a co-workers wife's funeral? Similar to this question: (http://ask.metafilter.com/55331/Funeral-filter)

I'm having a bit of a struggle. I've only been working at my place of employment for a year, and a co-worker's wife has just died after a long illness. I don't know this co-worker particularly well, and I didn't know his wife at all. A group of people from work are going to the service for her; however, none of us were explicitly asked to go, I think people just collectively decided to attend.

I feel extremely awkward about this, and subsequently I don't think I should attend. Putting myself in my co-worker's shoes, I imagine that I would be extremely displeased if people I hadn't asked showed up to a funeral for a loved one. I think of funerals as being private. My fiance however thinks it might be rude not to attend, and that you don't need to be explicitly asked to attend a funeral.

I'm wondering if this is a cultural issue - I'm American, and my boss (who is British) and I are of a mind; but every New Zealander I've asked agrees with my fiance. Does anyone have any advice for me? What is the etiquette of the situation?

Changing my mind on a declined job offer

megancita — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:41:48 -0800

I was offered a job four weeks ago, and declined it mostly due to overwhelming anxiety that stopped my brain from thinking logically. I think I made a mistake. What's the protocol for calling and asking if the job is still available and if they would consider me again? Would it be best to make the inquiry by phone or email? Do I need to explain my change of mind? And would this behaviour label me as a total flake?

The job was a writing position, and really, the only explanation I would have for them is that I freaked out about the job offer -- it wasn't exactly what I was looking for, i.e. "perfect", it involved a move to a city where I don't know anyone, and I wasn't sure the job would help me get future jobs because it was a very niche writing market. Cut to today, and I feel like I've neutralized those worries, plus the cold slap of economic reality makes me realize this might have been the only job offer I'll get.

The job posting is no longer on their website.

Authoritative guide on manners, etiquette, and all that good stuff?

detune — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 09:32:24 -0800

Authoritative guide on manners, etiquette, and all that good stuff? I pride myself on being a fairly well-mannered guy, but I am sure there is always room for improvement. I went on Amazon to try and find a couple of decent books on proper manners and etiquette, but there's just too many to wade through, and there doesn't seem to be a consensus on what's good and what isn't. I am trying to see if there is a book or two that are considered sort of a gold standard (think Julia Child on introduction to French cuisine, for example). Any suggestions?

i see your schwartz is as big as mine

edjusted — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 10:08:28 -0800

Certain people in our office *have* to talk to me if we're in the bathroom at the same time. No, they can't come into my office before or after, they just have to talk to me while we're in the freaking bathroom. What's a good way to politely but firmly tell them "hey, let's talk shop outside of the bathroom, when I'm not holding my private bits!" I mean, I'm not the kind of guy that thinks it's gross or anything like that. But I think it's kind'a rude and a real imposition.

How to craft a condolence card?

Dasein — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 20:22:30 -0800

My girlfriend's grandfather has just died. I would like to send some flowers to her mother and her grandmother, but in this kind of situation I never know what to say on the cards that sounds sincere without being too sentimental. I'd like to send two bouquets. The will be to her mother, which I'll send in the morning. I would also like to send a second either to her grandmother directly or to the funeral. Any ideas on which would be most appropriate?

But my main question: what do I say on the cards? I didn't know her grandfather well, since he hasn't been in great shape the last few years, but I'm not sure that's even relevant. The problem I have is that "My condolences" seems not personal enough, "My sincere condolences" seems insincere," etc.

How do you convey your personal sympathies briefly, sincerely, in a manner that will be appreciated?

Should we invite the class?

LoriFLA — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 13:28:13 -0800

Birthday party etiquette question: Would it be in bad taste to invite my son's preschool classmates to his fifth birthday party? So far my child has been invited to two birthday parties this year. We didn't go to either. My child was sick and sleeping for the first party that was held earlier this year. I called the parent the morning of the party, apologized, and explained the situation. I'm glad we didn't go because the next day he had a rash. It was fifth disease. When I called, the mother said, "Oh I never knew you were coming in the first place." I left a message on her machine a week earlier stating that we would be there. She told me a couple days later that her husband had heard it and erased it on accident.

For the second party that was held a month or so ago, I completely forgot. I RSVPd, marked it on my calendar and I still forgot. I called and apologized that day and sent the present on the next school day.

Now it is time for my kid's birthday. I was going to just have a family party, but I kind of want to throw him a kid party. It is his fifth birthday and he has never had a party with kids, only family.

Would it be tacky to invite the class even though we missed these parties? There have been no other parties. The only two that we were invited to, we weren't there. The class is small, ten students including my child, and I want to invite everybody. Thanks for your input and advice.

Somehow-etiquetteFilter : a question on everything that surrounds it

Jireel — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 12:10:35 -0800

Related to This post on what defines sophistication, and as a student, i believe there may be people who would be interested in books on the topic (aside of non-verbal language books)... Especially those who wouldn't know how to read the vibes that come off the ones around them.

Would anyone know a book on classiness, sophistication, manners (not necessarily etiquette), and PC things, to hold to, in different environments, and regarding different settings ? (i.e family, in laws, school, grad school, "relaxed" hangout time with friends (when impressions, and therefore relationships can be at stake) ?
NB : I'm not in for infos on how to appear uptight, out of reach, or like a show off, but for this simple code that lets people appear genuine, easy-going, still with values, and open-minded enough to catch attention without ever looking for it.

(as a european, i have never heard and probably never will, hear of such a thing as classes on political correctness, etc..) but am simply looking out to decipher social codes better. Thank you for your infos, and any such manual you may know of. Oh, and yes, I have done drama in the past, and am aware of the many lessons it does teach ;)

city dog, country human

splendid animal — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 00:47:11 -0800

Can I go inside to order at a coffee shop when I have a dog with me? I recently began walking a dog 3 days/week in order to earn some spare cash while satisfying my need for a canine companion (I'm not able to have a dog of my own right now). He's a standard poodle (i.e., around 55lbs, fluffy, and absolutely adorable), and easily the most well-behaved dog I've ever known. I would like to be able to sit with him OUTSIDE at a coffee shop for an hour or so to do some light reading/work in his company.

There are a number of coffee shops along our walk routes, but I don't know if there's an etiquette (or if it's even legal!) for bringing him inside while I order, after which I would enjoy my drink with him at a table outside. I have a lot of dog experience, but am from a rural area and this whole dog-in-the-city thing is new to me. So I don't know if this is something I could do when it's just him and me. I don't want to just tie him outside because I'm afraid somebody would dognap him or otherwise make trouble - and again, I'm the dogsitter, not the dog-parent (his parents don't care where we walk or hang out as long as he's getting some exercise and company). My number one priority is to make sure he's safe and that we're not causing any mischief (or worse) when we're out and about.

I apologize if this is a silly or obvious question, but I am truly oblivious about this city-dog stuff. We're in West LA (near UCLA), if that helps. (I know the most obvious answer is probably "go to the coffee shop after you've walked him," but I just want to know if it's possible for me to take him along. I keep daydreaming about me, this wonderful dog, a cup of tea, and some productive journal-reading on a sunny afternoon in LA...)

How to speak with someone who stutters

HotPatatta — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 21:35:10 -0800

What's the proper etiquette when you're speaking to someone with a stutter? Do you stutter? What are you thinking as it's happening? I have a student with a stutter. When the word he's struggling to spit out is obvious, do I pretend he's not stuttering and just look him patiently in the eye and wait for it to come out? Would he feel offended or relieved if I finish the word for him?

Do you stutter? What does it feel like when you're trying to say a word but can't quite get it out in one piece? Can you see the word in your mind's eye but it just won't come out or does the word look fuzzy?

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert [never?]."

amyms — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 00:08:43 -0800

Waitress etiquette: I work at a diner that's only open one day a week (at an auction arena). We're a close-knit group (employees and customers). We have a "special" every week, a dinner that includes a dessert. Sometimes a particular customer will say "I don't want the dessert" and sometimes he/she won't... But in the instances in which he/she doesn't say "I don't want the dessert," he/she doesn't eat it anyway. It sits there uneaten at the table. This wouldn't be a big deal if this were a huge chain restaurant, but this is a very tiny niche restaurant and our manager is almost always in the red. When customers don't eat their dessert, it's a "loss" for the diner. We can't save it for later, for another customer, once it's been placed on someone's table. And we, as the employees, can't eat all the "losses" (we're a 4-person staff and we have plenty of "extras" to eat).

This may sound petty, and I don't mean it to be, but it affects much more than just one customer. My question is: If a "regular" who normally says "I don't want the dessert" neglects to say it, is it okay to ask "Do you want the dessert with that?" or is it that being un-PC or disrespectful ? (We have a small, mostly-regular clientele, and I don't want to offend anyone, especially those who might be dieting, but I'm also very aware of most customers' regular orders and I don't want to waste my manager's money).

Keep my happy hour from becoming sad.

rouftop — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 13:14:35 -0800

What's the best way to organize a happy hour at a bar? This is probably the silliest question I've asked, but I've never done something like this. I just want to set up an informal have-a-beer at a brewpub with my classmates. I'd consider it a success if we got somewhere more than 8 people, but since I'm planning it for the same day/time as class had been it wouldn't surprise me if the number swelled up to twenty.

What's the right protocol? Do I have to contact the bar in advance with a head count? Is it better to just hang out a the bar or try to get tables? Do I need to bring name tags? Are we going to piss off the usual crowd if we overcrowd the bar?

Who keeps clogging the toilet, and why?

dubold — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:57:59 -0800

[ToiletMysteryFilter]Why would someone clog a public toilet with paper every day? I work in an older building in NYC. The offices do not have individual bathrooms; there is a restroom for each gender, and each office has keys.

After I arrive at work, I go to use the facilities. For the last several months, every day, sometime between 9:30 and 10:00, the left-most stall has a great deal of toilet paper in the bowl. It is usually in a distinctive layout - it looks like it was being used to prevent contact with the seat, as well as wadded up and tossed in the bowl. I am estimating 1/5th to 1/3 of a roll is used per visit. It also looks as if there is urine in the bowl. If there is feces in the bowl, it is completely covered and not visible. Attempts to flush the toilet usually result in blockage and overflow.

I suspect it is the same person every time for two reasons. One: it's the same approx quantity and dispersal of paper every time. Two: It's about the same time every day. If I'm there before 9:30 or so, the toilet is empty. Between 9:30 and 10:00 it is plugged.

So why do I care? It's mildly inconvenient for me - only one other stall and the urinal is usable - but I would imagine terribly frustrating for the cleaning staff. For a couple weeks a plunger was left in the restroom, but that's disappeared.

I had thought about just leaving a note - something along the lines of "Hi, please stop putting so much toilet paper in the bowl".

The only thing that prevented me from leaving a note right away: there are a lot of different folks from various countries in the building. From previous Metafilter threads, I have ascertained that not everyone has the same toilet practices - is there some cultural/regional thing that I should be aware of here?

A couple years ago, we were finding water all over the floor of the bathroom, and it turned out that a couple men in the building were observant Muslims who used the sinks to wash before prayer. Obviously this is a slightly different condition, but if there's some cultural practice at work, I'll just bite my tongue and deal with it.

Before this started, I was talking to another tenant in the building, and he told me that someone was clogging a toilet on his floor daily. He described a similar condition. About 2 months later, it started on this floor.

Anyone have any clue as to what's going on here?

Dear Sirs?

hihowareyou — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 11:59:47 -0800

What is the best way to address a formal email to a generic alias (e.g. hr@abccompany.com, or grants@xyzfoundation.com)? I know that "To whom it may concern" is bad, and "Hello" seems a little too informal/flippant. Should I skip it altogether and just jump into my content? Or should I write something like "Dear XYZ Foundation review committee," even though it will likely be read by only one person?

No hablo espanol but I'd like to be polite.

desjardins — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 11:14:06 -0800

What is the polite way to deal with service workers who speak poor English in an English-speaking country? I live in the suburban Chicago area and many of the service workers here are from Spanish-speaking countries. I have trouble understanding some of them, and some of them apparently have trouble understanding me. I speak almost no Spanish, but I'd love to learn and I think I'd pick it up quickly. I look and talk like the whitest white girl, and I haven't lived in diverse places before, so I'm trying not to look like a culturally inept idiot or a jerk.

1. If I did learn some basic Spanish, would it be rude to assume someone knows Spanish based on their appearance/nametag and begin speaking in Spanish? I've known people named Garcia or Rodriguez who didn't speak a word of Spanish, but they were rarely in service occupations. It seems a pretty safe bet around here, but I don't know if anyone would think I was assuming they didn't know English (or speak it well enough) and thus be offended.

2. If I did order my food (or whatever) in Spanish, is it going to cause more confusion? (This happened in France, when my mediocre attempts at French led them to think I was fluent and I would get rapidfire responses I didn't understand.)

3. Until I learn more Spanish, what's the best way to politely communicate with, say, the janitorial staff at the office? I'd greet an English-speaking person with "How's it going?" or "Nice day out" or whatever, but I refrain when I'm not sure the person will understand me, and then I feel like an idiot for not saying anything, but I don't want to try to manage a casual conversation with someone who doesn't share my language.