Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with etiquette

Getting married after getting married: the insurance-panic edition

badgermushroomSNAKE — Tue, 21 May 2013 15:25:14 -0800

Help me, etiquette mavens of AskMe! Fiance and I are in the midst of planning a wedding for this fall, but we just found out that he's losing his health insurance soon. How ok is it to have a courthouse ceremony now, but still hold a "real" wedding in the fall? My fiance and I are in the midst of planning a wedding for September-ish (no deposits yet; the planning was in the early stages), but we just found out that his insurance from his work might be terminated within the next month. So the obvious solution is to move up the wedding date, right? The thing is, I will be devastated if I have to give up my whole-family, big-dress, dancing-and-partying-for-hours-in-a-beautiful-venue wedding for...a rush, a courthouse, four people, and no reception. I only get one wedding in my life, and I want it to be a real, big-deal one.

We're not desperately emotionally tied to the day we sign the papers being the same as the day we have the party to celebrate it, so one possible solution is to do the courthouse now and have our "real" wedding as planned, in the fall. The courthouse wedding would be merely that - no gifts, no reception, no guests other than our parents, no big deal. We're considering doing it so quietly that we won't even tell people who aren't close family that we've done it. Basically, I want to shift absolutely everything other than signing the legal papers - from the announcements to the invitations to the "real" vows to the party - to center around the fall date. The fall ceremony would be secular and low-key in nature, more a short opportunity to explore how we love each other than to dot paperwork i's and cross legal-requirement t's.

I'm worried, though, that if people know we've had a courthouse ceremony, the fall wedding is going to be considered socially unacceptable and that we're somehow going to be viewed as attention-grubbers (or worse, gift-grubbers) for holding something we call a "wedding" so much after (about 3 months, give or take) the "real" ceremony.

Assume standard (northeastern) American etiquette rules here (we're New York-based): Is this a realistic worry, or can I have my big wedding with a clear conscience? Can we just not tell people about the courthouse ceremony, and let them have the impression that the fall wedding is the only wedding? Is there a page in Miss Manners about this that I've missed?

(I know etiquette, especially wedding etiquette, can be a divisive discussion topic, but can I please ask that you guys go easy on me as far as assumptions and judgment? I'm already struggling with some semi-related wedding drama issues, and I'd like to not hate myself any more at the end of this than I already do.)

Order of names in a letter signature matter when sent from a couple?

Arandia — Tue, 21 May 2013 00:08:16 -0800

My wife and I were writing a brief thank-you note to some friends, and she was helping to edit. I then signed it off as 'Arandia & Wife' -- only my wife says that it should be 'Wife & Arandia', since *I* wrote the letter and it is coming from my email address. I have never heard of this rule before, but she claims that it is a grammar rule that she remembers from English class. This isn't a formal business letter, just a note between friends -- but ever since 'fixing' it I've become a little curious.

Google has proven marvellously unhelpful here but as the saying goes -- 'absence of evidence is not evidence of absence'. I can't find anyone talking about this 'rule' but that doesn't mean it isn't out there. So, my fellow mefites, I turn to you. Have any of you ever heard of this before?

Ettiquette filter: Do I warn them I am diseased?

billiebee — Sat, 18 May 2013 10:04:08 -0800

We have dinner plans with a couple (A & B) they're calling in just under 2 hours. I woke up today with a stinking cold. It's got worse all day. I feel crap and I'm not looking forward to a night in a loud restaurant, shouting cos my ears are blocked, and blowing my nose every minute. But my SO hates cancelling plans, and doesn't want to go out with the other couple without me as he'll feel "like a gooseberry" (even though he's known A for 20 years, and they're very sweet, nice people). I'm begrudgingly going to make myself go. Then it dawned on me - is it actually ruder to turn up with the cold and probably pass it on to them (as we're sharing a taxi there and I'm at the constant sneezing/sniffling stage), or just to cancel? I suggested txting A to let her know she might get the cold from me in case they have any work committments coming up this week or something. SO thinks A will just think we're trying to cancel, and probably will, and I'm just trying to get out of it in a roundabout way. I would not be upset if they cancelled tbh, but that's not what I was thinking of. Also, we're in the UK but B is Californian and quite health conscious. Would it be expected in the US to let someone know you're sick before you turn up carrying your diseases?

So is it better to warn them and risk it look like we're trying to weasel out, or turn up without warning them because its rude to cancel at the very last minute?

Habits of highly obnoxious tumblrs

Foci for Analysis — Sat, 18 May 2013 06:31:54 -0800

I'm using Tumblr for the first time (link in profile) and posting lots of quotes (as 'text') every day. I don't want to spam people or muck up their dashboard, so please enlighten me about bad or annoying things people do on Tumblr so I can learn from their mistakes.

Get thee to the ER, stat!

youandiandaflame — Sat, 04 May 2013 20:47:38 -0800

Is this a normal amount of time to expect to wait when YOU'RE BLEEDING IN THE DAMN BRAIN?! So, I awoke to a frantic call from my friend's mother at 3 am this morning. My friend was taken to the ER at 10 pm last night with a severe headache. He was initially diagnosed with a brain aneurysm.

My son and I drove up to the hospital first thing this morning. By noon today he had been transferred to the ICU but at that point, they had only done a CT scan which showed blood on his brain. They had also significantly doped him up on morphine for the pain. We were told that at noon they would do an angiogram to look for the aneurysm and an MRA at the same time as well.

They did the angiogram and found no evidence of an aneurysm but then inexplicably delayed the MRA. At 4 they took him down for the MRA but brought him back up over an hour later, unable to do the MRA because there was a 15 year old who'd suffered a stroke that they prioritized ahead of him. They said they would do his MRA shortly after that but when I left at 10 pm they had still not taken him for the test. As of 10 pm this evening they're still saying that the MRA is necessary and will get done today. As far as we've been told, there are no other medical complications preventing them from doing the MRA anytime.

I should also mention that at NO POINT has any doctor spoken to my friend's family about what's happening or why / when they're running any tests. Any information we got about the test came directly from my friend who had been informed by his doctor's. Keep in mind, I'm talking about my friend that's out of his mind on morphine and you know, bleeding up all inside his head. Getting any useful information from his nurse when her shift ended was like pulling teeth (and she was giving the information to my friend's mother, not me).

So, is this kind of delay normal? His family is quite pissed but after 24 hours still not pissed enough to vocalize it outside of our waiting room or to any hospital staff. But this seems like a very serious issue to me and it seems like doctors would want to determine the cause and fix this quickly, right? Am I overreacting in thinking that waiting 24 hours for 2 seemingly very important tests is just fucking ridiculous or is this just typical for a hospital on a weekend?

Please note, whatever the answers given here, I do not plan on sharing with my friend's family. I am incredibly close to this family but still, I don't consider this my business and do not plan to involve myself in any way, I'm just genuinely curious. The seeming lack of response over what I think to be a very serious medical issue today just confused me and made me wonder if I have some sort of overly weird idea about how serious this is and the timeframe in which things should be happening...

How to politely decline people on internet dating sites?

deern the headlice — Thu, 02 May 2013 08:04:04 -0800

What are the best ways to politely decline people on internet dating sites? For a little background, I went through a tough divorce in 2011 and am finally ready to try dating. I'm a male in my late 30s and have always had a lot of female friends. I am known for joking around a lot, making people laugh and complimenting them. I am realizing more and more how often this gets confused for flirting and has begun to lead to a lot of misunderstandings. I think it's just some need to make people are at ease, to make sure they're having fun. I guess I'm a people pleaser.

Anyhow, I don't think my online dating profile is anything great, but I continue to get messages from women who want to chat. In some cases, they're women I've actually met around town so they already know me and know I can be gregarious. But I feel like a jerk when they say, "I remember you, I thought you were very charming, would you like to get a drink?" because in these particular cases, they aren't women I'm interested in romantically. I'm sensitive to hurting people's feelings and I have no idea how to say, thanks but no thinks in a diplomatic way.

Should I bite the bullet and just go on these dates anyway? I am not one to ignore emails or messages if someone is nice enough to contact me. But I am very sensitive to leading people on. Ladies, is there an acceptable way for a man to tell you, thanks but no thanks, and not think he's a jerk?

Not Quite Jim and Pam

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 09:41:57 -0800

In a dating scenairo, when a girl respond to a guy's request for a date with a nonspecific "maybe some other time," does it actually means "No"? So I like this co-worker and was finally able to summon up the courage to ask her for a simple, casual dinner date after work. We had a decent time, not spectacular, and parted way on friendly terms and she mentioned something along the line of "next time." So I was hopeful. A bit later, I send her a email asking whether she want to join me for a movie on a weekend night. To that she replied that she "had other plans, perhaps another time," full stop.

I am not experienced in dating at all, which is why I am asking this here. I've been told that the phrase "perhaps another time" without any specific follow up offer is a polite way for a girl to say thanks but no thanks to potential suitors. Is this really the case? As you can see I really like this woman, but I don't want to come off as a pushy creep who can't take a hint. Should I even pursue this further?

Yet Another Tipping Question

PinkMoose — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 22:36:16 -0800

I usually over tip--22-25 percent. But I was confused about something that happened tonight. I went to a new bar, kind of a renovated dive, with a friend. We both ordered cocktails, I ordered a charchturie (sp) platter and he ordered a pizza. My food came right away, and both of our drinks came quickly. The bar was empty for our first drinks, but was filling up quickly. We ordered a second drink. The bar was filled with people that the bar tender seemed to know. The second drink came. No sign of pizza, it was more than an hour at this point. We remind the bartender, who is also the server twice. He finally says, five minutes, and five minutes later, the pizza comes. This would have been 90 minutes. No offer to comp the food, no apologies, but the food was really good, the drinks were strong, and I would like to go back...I tipped 4 on a 32 bill, after tax. They also split the bill in a weird manner. My friends kind of shy, so I took his lead, and didn't complain. How much should I have tipped? Should I have complained? Should I go back to complain? What's the protocol here?

Should I play it cool?

kettleoffish — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 07:51:20 -0800

I had an interview a week ago with an HR person and was told the company would be in touch soon, they liked my resume, etc. Since then... nothing much. I know who my next interviewer would be. Would there be anything weird about... emailing them and asking for an interview? Or should I wait?

Fond of Fondly?

RingerChopChop — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 13:11:12 -0800

What are your thoughts about the closing "Fondly," -- is it a little weird? I like the spirit of it, but sometimes I worry that it's sort of creepy to people. What is the general consensus on it? Do you feel good when you receive a "Fondly" closing, or is it too old-timey, too cloying, too "interested"?

Politely parenting my kid's playdates?

Bardolph — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 10:28:25 -0800

My preschooler is getting just old enough to have a proper social life (playdates, birthday parties, etc.). I've got some specific questions about the parental etiquette expectations surrounding these kiddie get-togethers. Since my husband and I are busy introverts, we've never really done any parent meetups or playgroups or any kind of organized socialization; little B (4ish) has played with other kids pretty much exclusively ad-hoc on the playground, or at school/daycare. As she gets old enough to get invites to more directed kinds of socializing, though, I'm wondering what the current conventions are for parent involvement in this stuff. Specifically:

--Playdates: must we stop by and introduce ourselves as parents a couple days before the date? May we, if we'd like to from a safety standpoint? Can we ask where the kids would be playing? Should we provide this info unasked if/when other people are checking us out?

--Likewise, on playdates at other people's houses, is one of us expected to stay there the whole time? If not, is it OK for one of us to stay there, just to keep an eye on things? May/should we follow the kids around the house, or do we stay seated in whatever adult space we're offered? If we do stay, do we have to chat with the other parent the whole time (ugh), or is it cool to bring a book or some work or something?

-- For playdates at our house: must/should we invite the other parents to stay? If they do stay, do we have to hang out with them the whole time? (please please say we don't)

-- Ditto birthday parties: do we stay? Do we help? Must we chat? Do we follow the kids?

-- Post-encounter thank-you notes (from us/her): required? expected? And in response to which invites?

-- And lastly, any other do's/don'ts we should be aware of?

As you may have guessed, I'm kind of dreading the whole thing, both from a safety standpoint (just read Protecting the Gift, which is very eloquent on the potential for creepy sexual violence from friends' random elder brothers, uncles, fathers, etc.) and in terms of the social requirements for myself-- so it'd be particularly helpful to know what the bounds of decorum are on the high-supervision, but low-social-engagement, end of the spectrum. Location, if it matters, is middle-class suburban USA. Thanks!

Social Math: 1+1=/=1

xenization — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 07:57:20 -0800

Suggestions for nice things to do for the couples who are nice to you (especially when you're single and kind of broke)? I have four friends (two couples) who are terrifically generous—they give me a ride home when the bus isn’t running (I don’t drive) and they’ve invited me over for dinner multiple times. I’ve tried to give them gas money, but no dice there. I’ve cooked for them, but I can’t always do so thanks to a fairly limited budget. If it were a one-to-one thing, I could probably manage it, but it's tougher to swing when I'm covering more than one.

Do you have any suggestions for other thoughtful ways to reciprocate their generosity?

Friend Ettiquete: Missing the Wedding, Do I Make the Bachelor's Party?

Anonymous — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 10:18:15 -0800

Is it worth it to fly home for my friend's bachelor party? My friend is having a bachelor's party next weekend. He (and all my other childhood friends) live back home, in another city that is about a 1.5 hour/$375 flight away. I have not lived in this city for about 8 years (I am currently studying at a university), although I come home to visit my family and friends with some regularity.

Unfortunately, I already have to miss his wedding, which is a destination wedding in Hawaii next month. I would otherwise go, but the week of the wedding is the first week of a new job (and mandatory job training). I feel pretty badly about missing his wedding — we grew up together and we were close friends for many years. Most of my other close childhood friends are going to the wedding, although they have also had jobs for some time now and have no problem booking the time off / money. Similarly, since they still live in my hometown, making the Bachelor's Party is no problem for them as well.

So — I'm wondering how important it is to nonetheless make an event like a Bachelor's Party, especially if I can't make the wedding. I could do it time wise, although my exams (intense law exams) start on the Thursday following the weekend, which would mean that I would basically fly home for the party then fly back the next morning.

I want him to know that I still value our friendship and that I wish him all the best with his marriage — I think making an effort is important. Any ideas on the right thing to do?

casual hookup etiquette for the post-serially monogamous citizen

electroshock blues — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 12:00:16 -0800

After many years of monogamy followed by several years of celibacy (continually enforced by the fact that, out of raw fiscal necessity, I will continue to share a house and mortgage with my ex for the indefinite future), a chance encounter has left me with the opportunity to enjoy one (or, fingers crossed, more than one!) casual hookup(s) with a breathtakingly attractive near-stranger. Can you walk me through this process -- safety, guidelines, what to do/not do or say, etc. -- like a complete newbie?
I (early 30s woman) recently traveled out of town to have dinner and see a show; at dinner, I flirted with the bartender (early 20s man) because he was Just My Type, and I could not resist. I expected nothing, of course; IME it is always in a bartender's best interest to flirt with all customers, regardless of looks/gender, because tips! However, as the restaurant hours drew to a close, I was very surprised to hear the kindly barkeep ask if I wanted to grab a drink and then go back to his car to make out for a while. ("Uh, yeah!")
"A while" turned into a few rollicking, exceedingly enjoyable hours; we've since exchanged all relevant contact/personal information, maintained regular contact, and have now made tentative plans -- a week from today -- to meet at a random business traveler-type hotel in a commuter town midway between our cities, basically just because we both think it would be hot.
Current plan is to just head over there sometime in mid-afternoon, see if they have a room available, and see where the rest of the day/night takes us. (We are unlikely to stay overnight because I have to get up early for work the next day; I know we won't be penalized for using the room for only part of the day so long as we leave the key whenever we depart, so no worries there.)

I think he might think that I'm some kind of vivacious, uber-experienced vixen based on our interactions and conversations thus far, but the truth of the matter is that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. I was in a committed relationship for nearly a decade and had not had any sort of romantic interaction with any man, even a kiss on the cheek, in the 2.5 years since that relationship ended... until I met this one. However, my 20s were completely wild and his 20s seem to be proceeding in much the same way, so I feel like I can meet him where he's at without too much trouble.

Already established: Prospective hookup partner and I are already 100% on the same page in all routine and practical matters, fully engaged in both the practice of asking sexytimes-related questions without any hesitation or embarrassment and the participation in all X-rated activities with consistent and enthusiastic consent. While I've enjoyed his company immensely, we have a great deal in common, I think of him highly as a person (albeit one I barely know from Adam), and I would be totally down to 'date' him if we lived in the same city or either of us was interested in a monogamous relationship -- the bottom line is that this is either going to be a one-off casual hookup or the first in a series of casual hookups.

So! Having been out of the proverbial game for a very long time, and with nearly all of my friends having already been married/otherwise out of 'hookup culture' for many years, I have a few practical questions:

1. Do I get tested for STDs before we meet up, and/or tell him up front whether I have or have not done so? I haven't slept with anyone but my ex in half a dozen years, and haven't so much as kissed anyone at all in close to 3 years... but should I go get all fully checked out before this thing happens, just in case?
2. Do I ask him if he's done the same and, if he hasn't, request that he do so in advance of our encounter? He is currently actively engaged in several other purely sexual relationships, so I'm not sure what his testing status/policy is. I would have no problem asking or outright requesting, but is this even an acceptable thing for a near-stranger to ask in this situation? Or is it mostly "don't ask, don't tell, just use condoms and try not to stress too much"?
3. Aside from using barrier methods and common sense, is there anything else I need to worry about in terms of staying protected? (We will not be engaging in any particularly risky behavior.)
4. Are there any other rules of engagement when it comes to casual hookups? EX: What if I want to hook up again? I admit, I've not done anything remotely like this outside the context of having brief flings with touring rock musicians, who were always easy to deal with because they'd just leave in the morning to go to the next city, so I'm not sure what the repeat performance guidelines should be.
5. Anything else I should keep in mind? (Who should pay for the hotel? What should he/I plan on bringing, if anything? Once the ball is rolling, how do we keep it in motion?)

Anonymous answers can be addressed to hookasisterup2013@gmail.com.

Thanks much, AskMe!

I don't want to tip my hand.

Anonymous — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 07:45:42 -0800

I am planning on leaving my job, and indeed my current career path, in the next 3-ish months, but for various practical reasons I want to stay for those next 3-ish months. There's a conference coming up that I would absolutely be going to if I were staying in this career. Do I sign up for the conference? If I do, the conference fee will be wasted when one of my coworkers could use the money for their own professional development (and money is tight in our department) and I'm afraid this would cause bad feelings and people would take it personally. On the one hand, I'm leaving this profession and I don't particularly need these people's good opinion of me, but I don't want to screw them over unnecessarily because I like (some of) them and I may need them for references, etc. It's not, like TED money, but it's significant in the professional development budget (at our non-wealthy higher ed institution). The organization has been fairly generous to me in terms of professional development and I already feel kind of guilty to be throwing that investment away (though if I'm going to look at it that way I'm also throwing away much more of my own investment in this career, so, you know, whatever).

I considered just paying the conference fee myself (I wouldn't mind going - it'll probably be interesting even though I'm leaving the profession, and I'd like to see my soon-to-be-former colleagues from other organizations) but that would look just as suspicious as not signing up at all, especially since I have previously been chided for using my credit card when I should have put things directly on the department card. I doubt that the organizational bureaucracy has any mechanism by which I could pay them back.

Timing: the conference is in ~6 weeks, and early (discounted) registration is almost over. I'd like to be done working at this place by mid-June (say 12 weeks from now).

So: Do I sign up for the conference? Am I just way overthinking this? Will anyone even remember I wasted some money going to a conference two weeks before I gave notice?

(Oh, also, I considered making up a family wedding or something during the conference, but it runs Monday-Wednesday. Having trouble thinking of a plausible obligation that I would know about in advance, and the department is super-nosy.)

What was the most comforting condolence sentence you ever heard?

Lately Gone — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 17:11:52 -0800

Has someone important to you passed away? What was the most comforting/most respectful thing anyone said to you when that happened? I work with the elderly, who die at an accelerated rate. 98% of the time, I genuinely care about the deceased and would like to give comfort to the surviving family. Since this comes up a lot, I feel as if I'm repeating the same phrases over and over. I need more options. I'm specifically asking for things people said to you that were kind. I know that a lot of these might be case specific, but that will still help me. I'm not bad at condolences or uncomfortable with death: I don't need to hear what not to say. I'm just trying to get some IRL perspective on what has helped in the moment.

Proper Etiquette for Messy Foods

wcfields — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 12:31:06 -0800

Let's say the Queen of England is visiting Mexico, how does she eat her taco? When she visits the US South, how does she eat ribs? Does she take off her white gloves and eat Injera in Ethopia? More or less the question is: How does "proper etiquette" work for inherently messy food items, especially those of a foreign culture, when consumed by someone of high culture/royalty?

VEGAS, BABY!

jason's_planet — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 16:11:06 -0800

Next month, I will be travelling to Las Vegas. For the very first time in my life. I have a whole bunch of Vegas-newbie questions. I’d like to ask you for your help. 1. What will the weather be like in mid-March? Would a dip in the pool be comfortable?

2. What’s the best car rental spot in Las Vegas? Does it cost significantly more to rent a car with GPS?

3. What’s a good beginner-friendly poker room, preferably one with lower limits? I love poker but the unfortunate reality is that I haven’t played in years. I am not World Series material. Not at this point, at least. If it helps, the model I have in mind is the poker room at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City. Something like that.

4. For that matter, where can we find casinos that hit the sweet spot I’m looking for, that is – reasonably cheap gambling without being seedy or nasty?

5. What’s a good place to play Keno?

6. Where can we find sports book rooms with a wide range of events? Of particular interest would be sports rooms that allow you to gamble on UK football.

7. You know that place in Minnesota where you can drive a tank? And for a little bit extra, you can crush a car with said tank? Do they have a branch in Las Vegas? (This is a long shot, I know. But I thought it was worth a try.)

8. What neighborhoods should we avoid for safety/crime reasons? I live in NYC. I don’t own a car. Walking is my default mode of transportation. Where do I NOT want to be walking?

9. Where can I find a guide to the personality/vibe/crowd of various casinos? If it helps, both of us are middle-aged kind-of-sort-of bohemian nerds.

10. What is the etiquette of tipping dealers when you win? What’s the standard percentage?

11. If I find myself awake before noon, and not in the mood to gamble, where can I kick back with some good coffee and a decent pastry?

12. Where can I find good, cheap craps tables?

13. Tell me about the Las Vegas art scene. I understand that UNLV has a very good fine arts program. Where would I be able to see some good art by local artists? While I’m on the topic, which casinos have the best art?

14. Is Chinatown worth a visit? Are there any good restaurants?

15. Which of the local shooting ranges would you recommend? I'm looking for a beginner-friendly place with a good selection of weaponry.

16. What else should I know? Any other recommendations, advice, or Vegas-related opinions of any type would be most helpful.

How to word a party invitation without sounding tacky?

Oriole Adams — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 12:45:58 -0800

My husband mentioned to me some years ago that he'd never had an actual, cake-and-candles, friends from the neighborhood invited, hats and horns birthday party in his entire life. I'd like to give him a small surprise birthday party for his upcoming birthday in late March, but I have questions about how to actually word the invitations. I'm planning only to invite about six people - different friends that he hangs out with and some couples that we both have known for years. (We both work from home and have for the past 10 years, so our social circle is a bit small.) Even with the relatively small number of people, I couldn't figure out a way to invite everyone to our house (Mr. Adams would obviously notice all the cars parked out front, etc) so I'm thinking of hosting it instead at a nearby Chinese restaurant that he and I have frequented for the past decade.

I've attended parties for folks at restaurants over the years and sometimes I had to pay for whatever I ordered and sometimes I didn't. In this case, I plan to pay for the food for the attendees. Is that something I should mention when I invite people? How to phrase it? "You're invited to (details of date and location and occasion) and the food is on me!" Is it crude/tacky to assure the invitees that they won't have to pay for dinner? I know that one of the potential guests has been out of work for a while and lives almost an hour away, so I'm thinking that reassurance that he won't have to pay for dinner on top of his gas might encourage him to attend.

As you can see, I'm rather clueless as to how to proceed. I read Miss Manners regularly, but I don't know that our invitees necessarily do and are clear on what a restaurant party invitation means. Would you be offended if you received an invitation that clearly spelled out that dinner and drinks were covered, and all that was requested was your attendance?

My dream wedding is a courthouse ceremony

Anonymous — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 09:44:47 -0800

We've decided to get married. Yay! I am the female half of a straight couple, if that matters. In the near future, we want to go to our local (US) courthouse and have a civil ceremony with just a judge and our immediate families present: his parents, my parents, his sibling+partner, my sibling+partner+child. Later this year, we'll throw an informal party and invite our extended circles to that as a larger celebration/reception. Our immediate families are supportive of this plan and just want us to be happy, but I have already gotten some pushback from friends and it gave me pause. So I guess I have questions about the practicality and etiquette of our plan and... whatever else we haven't thought about. Neither of us has been married before. The above is the 'wedding' I've dreamed of and I am thrilled to have found someone that shares my sentiment. The point for us is to get all of the legal benefits and protections that marriage entitles us to in a low-key, fairly private way. As far as we are concerned, our lifelong commitment to one another already exists outside of the public signing of the papers so this really comes down to taxes and insurance, etc.

In my head, our families would come in on a Sunday or Monday, we get married on Monday, we all go out for lunch or an early dinner, and then they all go back home. Everyone lives within 2 hours driving distance of our city and would be amenable to this plan with 1-2 months of notice.

Practicalities: We know the ins-and-outs of our local courthouse requirements. Can you share any tips or advice that FAQs on the website don't cover?

Etiquette for the attending families: Paying for the family lunch or dinner is do-able. I would really love to treat them all to a hotel stay, but we can't also afford lodging for the lot of them, even for 1 night, even if I could get a hotel willing to give us a price cut. (And would a hotel give even a small price cut for 4-5 rooms?) It'd be fine with me to just have everyone drive in for the day, but that I worry it's impractical or somehow rude to suggest. Can we just leave it up to them to decide? Should we try to arrange afforable lodging in our expensive, tourist-y city? We don't want to play host/tour-guide for the whole weekend beforehand and, while our two families are friendly, they all know our city quite well already and I can't imagine they want to take a mini-vacation together anyway.

It's helpful to note that our families can all afford a night here without real financial or practical hardship, but I don't want them to feel obligated or otherwise put out. I may be being overly sensitive to this in general because of the next part.

Etiquette for everyone else: My intended's extended circle is altogether thrilled, but I've already been surprised by a few friends expressing real dismay at our plan, even though this is something I've talked about in the abstract for years. One friend was brought to tears by the idea that she wasn't going to see me "actually get married" and I was taken aback and a little hurt. We've talked about it more since then, and I understand where she is coming from, but we're not going to change our plans. So... can I do more to mitigate that feeling for other people, or do I just need to prepare myself for more blowback?

I had planned to call each of the people in my life who would be invited to a more traditional wedding and share the news with them, like, "Hey, we're going to the courthouse on X day! Since that has to be a small shindig, we're having a party in Y months and I hope you can join us then." The intention behind that was to make sure that the people in my far-flung tribe all know I'm getting married and don't just find out about the courthouse trip via a Facebook name-change or through gossip. For context: When I say far-flung, I mean it. My support circle is powerful, but not very inter-connected and not very large, and all over the country/world. The people I will be calling are basically extended family that I only see at weddings and funerals anymore, and friends from disparate points in my life. Many of them probably won't be able to travel to the later party, though I'd be thrilled if they could. Is there more I could or should do? Or, maybe, less? Is calling weird/weirder than emailing? Are there other, better ways to share our news?

I guess I'm questioning everything now. So if you can share any wisdom you've gained from having, or witnessing, or not having been invited to, a civil wedding ceremony at a courthouse, I would appreciate your insight.

Human male social etiquette question.

Nomyte — Thu, 21 Feb 2013 09:29:32 -0800

I've asked a couple questions about building a richer social life on AskMeta, and a few times I've gotten the suggestion that I should be spending more one-on-one time with friends and acquaintances. My observations suggest that women socialize this way more often than men do. Tell me I'm wrong, then share tips. Step 1: The cultural background is that this is the mid-Atlantic region of the US, the year is 2013, and I'm 28, male, white, gay, and not very blue-collar.
Step 2: Assume that I am not without redeeming qualities and that I do have at least minimal social skills.

I'm not in a relationship, I don't date friends of friends much, I'm not in any LGBT service organizations, etc. The result is that I haven't had the occasion to be out to everyone I know, especially to people I know from work.

I am usually OK at setting up group activities (including MeFi meetups), and when I'm with a group, people at least seem to enjoy my company somewhat (see Step 2 above). I occasionally end up inviting a single person to go do something somewhere, either because I haven't seen them in a while or because I don't feel like going out with a group.

I really struggle to think of an occasion when I invited a female friend somewhere by herself and got a positive response, as opposed to "I probably can't" or "I'm going to be busy." This includes women who have known me for a while and know (to the extent possible, I guess) that I have no romantic intentions.

I generally don't ask guy friends to hang out one on one, and guy friends don't ask me to hang out one on one. A few times I've ended up getting dinner after studying with someone, but I feel that this sort of thing is more situational than spontaneous. I've gone to events a few times with a straight male roommate before, but he seemed to remark a lot about how it must look like we're out on a date.

On a couple of occasions I've ended up somewhere with a gay guy friend (because we are the only two to show up to something). Granted, these were not people I knew very closely, but it seemed like both times the evening was spent with them on the phone with their partners.

To refine the question further, I hope you can talk about something like:

you are (or know) a guy and you meet people socially (as opposed to work/school) one on one a lot, maybe over coffee/drinks/lunch/whatever, and you don't think it's an issue for you socially at all
you feel that there are some social norms for guys to navigate here and you make certain conscious gestures to make one on one socialization relaxed and fun
you feel that there are definite limitations on socializing this way for guys, either based on who you can invite out or the sorts of things you can do together
this is just "not a very guy thing to do," guys are socialized and expected to hang out in group settings, and tete-a-tetes are reserved for more close/special/intimate occasions

Thanks!

Hostess gift for a lunch tomorrow?

mygothlaundry — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 21:23:41 -0800

A coworker who I don't know all that well has invited me to lunch at her house. There are only going to be the two of us. She is not a drinker to the best of my knowledge so I think my standby bottle of wine is out (is it?) She is in her early - mid 60s and fairly formal and reserved. Failing wine, what else should I bring? Flowers? A plant? Would cookies be okay? She has been having a rough time lately healthwise and is I think rather lonely and down. I asked her what I could bring and she said "Oh nothing! Just yourself!" but let's ignore that.

It's yo' cat / It's yo' problem!

The Sock Puppet Sentience Movement — Thu, 14 Feb 2013 06:08:51 -0800

CatLivingFilter: One of my roommate's two cats has become very attached to me, probably because my roommate (by his own admission) inherited the cat from an ex relationship and never really liked it that much. That's cool--I like cats, and cats like me. What I don't like is that the cat has become so attached that it will yell inconsolably outside my door, scratch at my door, and sometimes even bash into my door in despair of not being in my room. This has become a major sleep disrupting problem for me. What can I reasonably expect my roommate to do to respond to this situation? I've been living with my roommate (with whom I have a very good relationship otherwise) for the past six months and this cat behavior seemed to come fairly out of the blue. The cat (8 or so year old, neutered male) pretty quickly attached to me as my roommate doesn't give it a lot of attention and "I know what cats like" and am generally a cat person (his other cat and I are also very friendly but less so problematically). With what seems like very minimal time and affection given based on my past cat experiences, the cat became "my best friend" and always wants to be with or near me. Which I totally don't mind when I'm awake.

However, as in the main text, it's recently been waking me up constantly over the past two weeks trying to get into my room at odd hours of the morning. I swear to God the little thing gets a running start and bashes into my door. It's bizarre and distressing. It will do this for an hour or more. I grew up with cats and have been around many more and have never run into such an insecurely attached animal in my life. Remembering my basic behaviorism, I have done nothing to reinforce or reward this behavior directly--I have never opened the door as a result of these requests either in day or night time, but this unfortunately doesn't seem to have extinguished the behavior over the course of these two weeks. On the other hand, I fear this may have begun because I started two or three months ago to let the cat sleep with me if it was settled in to my bed when I went to sleep. Surprisingly, the cat does not really disturb at night when in my room--despite its other problems--except to sometimes bother me to let it out to use the litter box, which I am used to and can deal with better. But, then, hours later, I hear the battering ram on my door and the saddest, loudest cat cries you can imagine.

(On the other hand, could this be some sort of cat health issue? But the cat seems normal enough when it gets what it wants).

I have issues with sleep and insomnia already, and this periodic awakening has rendered me unhappy and--increasingly--unhealthy. I've even begun to fantasize about moving out of what is otherwise a very lovely and great living situation. So, this is clearly unsustainable.

What should I ask my roommate to do to help me out? I feel like this is in some way his problem as it is his cat and not mine. He is also somehow completely undisturbed by the cat's incredibly loud noises despite the fact that our rooms are adjacent so I'm pretty sure he hasn't figured out on his own that there's a major issue. I'm not immediately sure what he could do to make the cat stop. But, what comes to mind to help me out would be for him to buy me a super loud alarm clock to be paired with some earplugs. (I've tried using earplugs and they have actually worked well in combination with a white noise phone app, but then I can't hear my phone alarm through the ear plugs). I say this because I would 100% do this or something similar if my roommate was having trouble due to my animals. Is this an OK thing to ask for or discuss? Is there anything else I should discuss with him?

Conversely, Is there anything I should do? I'm considering not letting the cat sleep in my room any more as a first step.

Help me be gracious about my art

cucumber patch — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 01:57:07 -0800

I have some talent at drawing, but I'm awful at accepting compliments about it, and paranoid about coming off as arrogant (...I could barely type the word 'talent' just then). Help me be less awkward and accept compliments with more dignity! I feel kind of silly just typing this question. I don't mean to be all, "oh god I'm so talented life is soo harddd". It's just something that bothers me sometimes and I haven't found a good solution yet. I'm fine with accepting compliments normally, and can insert appropriate amounts of warmth/charm/banter as needed - but not when it comes to my art. I feel very fake just saying "thank you" over and over, especially when the general line of these conversations tends to go:

Person A: "You're amazing! I love your art!"
Me: "Thanks! That's so nice of you!"
*Person A and I stare at each other in awkward silence while I wonder if I'm supposed to add something else*

It's not that I don't appreciate their compliments - I know people mean well and I love that (and it's probably so much less of a deal to them, and I'm blowing things out of proportion :P). I think I just don't have a database of inoffensive, canned responses for this, like I do for most other situations.

I'm thinking this question out as I go, so forgive me if it's a bit scattered. Perhaps the best way to help me out on this would be a fill-in-the-blanks game? I find a few types of conversations are quite common and they still stump me even after years. E.g.:

1.
Person A: "Damn, you are so good. I used to draw when I was a kid/I wish I could draw, I suck at drawing."
Me: "Ah nah, it's just practice. Lots and lots of practice, I've been drawing for years :) You should give it a shot!"
Person A: "Nah, seriously, I'd suck at it. It's too hard!"

My response: "Nah, no way, it's just um.. a steep learning curve.. *trails off*"
Better response: _______________

2. [in which everyone is doodling on someone's iPad or something]
Person B: "Haha WTF are you drawing? I bet [cucumber patch] is looking at that like, 'what is that.. that is so bad, I can't even tell what it is!'"

My response: *laughs weakly, tries to think of something nice to say but the moment passes*
Better response: ________________

3.
Person C: "I HAVE to get you to draw something for me/We should really get you to do X event posters/[cucumber patch] can do it, she's awesome!"

My response: *completely put on the spot, and feeling pressured to say yes even without having made a decision* "Um, yeah.. sure? I'll think about it?"
Better response: ________________

On preview, this really DOES seem like a silly question, but I get weirdly wiggy about this topic. My fear of coming across as arrogant/dismissive of other people's skills has held me back from volunteering to do things (I always think, "oh, maybe I should let [other girl in our cohort who draws] do that".. I don't even know why). I guess I'm also afraid of being pigeonholed as "that girl who draws", because sometimes it feels like that's all a lot of people know about me. So I guess that's the second part of my question: how do I just.. worry less about this stuff?

blogs about contra dancing?

d. z. wang — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 09:55:32 -0800

Could the hive mind recommend blogs or other writing about contra dance? I'm especially interested in discussions of technique, etiquette/custom/tradition, and calling. I've previously enjoyed Jeff Kaufman's blog and The Contra Syncretist.