Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with esteem

21 Male & socially incompetent

AugustEnds — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 09:34:37 -0800

21 Male & socially incompetent; How do I become more fun and interesting? Should I pretend to be happy so people will hang out with me? Socially I'm pretty screwed up. Emotionally I am pretty fucked.

I have so many problems that not too many people want to hear about. Furthermore, I’m not a fun person to be around. I am socially awkward because:
a) I have no emotional support or examples in my house; my parents fight alot; the last time they had a confrontation three household objects broke
b) low self esteem in high school and in general
c) terrible at small talk
d) terrible at what ever comes after small talk
e) no real way to handle emotional problems
How do I get people to understand me so I can rebuild my life (again)? Should I pretend to be happy so people will listen to me?

Normally I can adapt friends like me... those who are lame and downers. No body wants to be around a downer like me.

One of my dreams is to find a doctor any where in the world that is pro euthanasia because I can't stand my life. I'd tell him "sign me up for euthanasia" with the biggest smile on my face"

My other dream is to life my life to the fullest because what I don't think I can find a doctor that will do that for me.

I've only been on one date...
I play many sports... been a team captain for a coed sport recently
Today I overheard someone say to someone else at work I have "game" (skilled at dating?) but I can just be good at making a first impression.

I went through a depressive episode (nothing mental, more emotional) a few years ago.
My therapist suggest these terrible ideas to get me out (going to the park, go to free events around the city)
Don't get me wrong, but that's the stuff you would do all the time when you are lame.
I want to live more than that.

My friends don't get why I am so frustrated with life.
I am frustrated because I don't know how to create meaningful relationships between friends or family.
I'm not even going to start with a girlfriend because I can't even get friends and family on track.
My friend told me I can ask some out to a movie.
My problem isn't asking someone out. My problem is creating a meaningful relationship.
Why is my friend only suggesting a movie when I'm dying to know what makes people stay together from as lovers or as friends over many months or years?

Let me provide some of my life experiences in short:

Example of what happens with me time and time again:
[meet someone at school] ---> [share a few laughs] ---> [something bland like sports/movies/dinner]
{span of above relationship does not last very long... gets boring}

The other day I hung out with my friends friends.. this is what happened:
[went for drinks] --> [ended the night listening to some of the funniest conversation and friendly insults over drinks]
{above relationship may not be long but is exciting}

This is what my friends accomplish
[meet people through school/party] --> [whole series of events over months that are oblivious ot me] --> [they are in a deeper relationship] --> [experimental/meaningful sex]
{span of above relationship is meaningful}

I notice my life suck so much when I run the show. I am not pressuring myself to do anything but I know I can do better than this!

I want to laugh my head off regularly by surrounding myself with good friends and people.
I want start dating to become seriously intimate with a girl.

I am grateful for the supportive people who try to help. However I never really had understanding parents or peers.

Thanks for reading!

Perspectives from former old maids?

Anonymous — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 21:34:42 -0800

I'm officially one of the last ones standing. I'm almost 30 and I'm not married. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. Have you ever been last or close to last? How did you deal with the horrible feelings of inadequacy that accompany that? There's a saying I've heard a lot over the years, esp in Self-Improvement mediums: "Why fear the worst, it never happens anyway?" I never really understood that saying because in my life l've been like Job--that which I fear the most often comes upon me." Hence, I find myself now facing 30 and I'm unmarried. That's been my worst fear since I can remember. No matter how hard I tried to not let that be a reality (like I'm in a 3-year relationship with someone I'm not in love with, but who seemed to be into me enough to want to marry me early on but who hasn't proposed so I guess I was wrong), it has.

To make a long story short, in a matter of about 2 years, practically all of my peers, family and acquanitances included, have gotten hitched. Some in formal weddings, some at the Justice of the Peace. For some reason, it seems like they calculated right. They 1) got with a guy who was ready to be married, 2) acted in a way that made them appealing for marriage, and 3) by luck or whatever, got to get hitched before the big 30. So I am virtually alone now in this awkward life stage--not where I want to be and knowing no way whatsoever to get out. I'm officially "that girl," the last one standing, the one approaching old maid territory and it sucks azz. Big time.

Have you ever been last? How did you cope? How did you deal with the self-pity and the pity from others? How did you manage enough energy or faith or whatever to try again, even after you've basically lost the race, you've missed one of your biggest goals.? HOW DO YOU KEEP GOING???

I realize there have been other questions like this, but the last one I read, I don't think the commenters were really empathetic to the poster and the answers were thus skewed. I'm looking not for mean, hard-liner responses, but some real, solid stories of "I feel you, here's how I mentally/emotionally/etc. worked through it." I really need this. Thanks in advance for any help whatsoever.

I was told, "Let other people bless you." How?

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 15:54:24 -0800

"Why do you do that? Stop it. Let other people bless you. You're always supporting others, why don't you let others show support for you?" This is what a co-worker said to me today when scolding me about my not wanting to have a promotion luncheon and moving to another area. This has happened like three times in as many years. After many excuses, I finally conceded to her "I don't know." I've known for a long time that this is a major problem for me. I have a severe mistrust of people. I never expect them to give back what I've given. I've been disappointed many, many times, but honestly, I don't know if I can say even that warrants my mistrust. Over the past few years, I've done things like turn off my phone after I call someone and leave a message, so as not to know if they called back or not, (to avoid disappointment), which would inevitably lead to their saying in our next conversation, "I called you, but you never answer." Still though, I continue my self-destructive ways.

I remember one of the only times I've ever thrown anything for myself, a few years ago for my 25th birthday (I'm 29 now), and in my eyes it was a disaster. No one except a couple reliable friends came, everyone else had an excuse. Even a "close" friend (our b-days are days apart) who I was hosting the party with backed out at the last minute. I was devastated. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt devastated, like, "God, here I am, I made the effort, and it blew up in my face." So of course, I haven't thrown anything since, just attended other people's gatherings. I never get my moment in the sun because I'm afraid people either 1) don't know me enough to attend or 2) don't care enough, both which would hurt like hell. I don't think I can take another 25th b-day party, I just don't. So I never even try.

But it makes me sad. I don't know if I'll ever get married, but over the years, the only thing I've obsessed over when thinking about that day is, "would anyone come? Could I handle being the center of attention like that?" Those thoughts scare the begeezus out of me, truly. But I worry now because this was semi-okay when I was younger, but now it's not a phase, it's become a way of life, and it makes me feel like my life is passing me by. Yet I don't know how to trust others enough to include them in my life in a healthy, normal way. I don't know what to do. Can anyone either 1) tell me what's wrong with me or 2) tell me how to fix it?

P.S. I went to therapy a few years ago (after the 25th b-day debacle, surprise, surprise) for about a year and I found it helpful, but I don't know if that's what I need anymore. I don't know what I need to get past this, I really don't.

How can I get over this certain kind of "friends" anxiety?

Anonymous — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 08:04:36 -0800

How can I get over this certain kind of "friends" anxiety? I think I have a sort of "loser anxiety syndrome".. for a lack of better terms..

I'm just going to describe it like I feel it.. it's that feeling that I need my phone to ring, or to have some kind of evidence--pictures, but best would be having another person in the picture. Like if a coworker comes over and we're just hanging out, on the inside I'm so desperately hoping my phone rings, even if it's a wrong number or something.

This happens after some time has passed though. Maybe, say the 3rd or 4th time we hang out. The first few times I don't care. It's after I see them enough times or there's some nonverbal sense of us heading to be friends. I guess my anxiety comes from the thought "I don't want this person knowing they're my ONLY friend".

I want them to have some external proof that they're not.. be it people calling me, or hearing me talk about other people.. as in "yesterday me and mike .. or yeah I have this friend, she .." whatever.. but I also can't lie.. I can't do white lies anymore cause I guess I've done that so much, I feel I need to just be "real" about it, but I can't. The loser factor is too much there. Maybe it is the type of people I'm choosing to be friends with too. Not flaky judgmental people, I mean they're good in that way, but they really have vibrant social lives, and maybe can't understand a person like me. These are the people with 128 friends on myspace, and new comments everyday. I'm the one with just Tom and no picture.

I can't seem to choose people I know will be more tolerant of it. I think I really am more like a social person, that's why. I can't hang with other loners, cause it seems they either choose it or it's some force beyond themselves.. while for me I think I don't chose it and people accept me but I just have really weird issues in my head.

Either way, I must of gone through hundreds of potential "friends" because I give up after it reaches that point.

CLEAR SKIN CALLED, it said screw you

madmamasmith — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 03:07:10 -0800

well. i have searched and searched and there is alot out there , but i am looking for something specific. this question is about BLACKHEADS. I have had blackheads since i was a teen, when i was 20 i started getting zits too. Here I am 26 and my skin is the worst it has ever been.i have blackheads on every inch of my face and my face and scalp feel like an oil factory. I am a vegetarian, i dont eat crappy but i dont eat buckwheat cakes and organic chard everyday either maybe once a month i get drunk and maybe once a week have a soda, i do drink a couple coffees a week and my diet consists of alot of texmex but alot of organnic veggies too, i dont take vitamins cuz im really poor right now but in the past i have tried evening primrose, multivitamin, iron,birth control pills,,,i have used every face wash known to man as well as retina and other topicals, and now after 10 years of no noticeable difference i just use oatmeal soap and witchhazel. i was using jojoba cuz i heard that would help but it didnt but neither does lotion. basically i am freaking out, what do i do? i have the most sensitive skin so i scar really easy. i am too oily. i do everything u r supposed to ; drink water, change pillowcases, hot showers, all natural skincare,,,,help me please. I cant afford facials evryday but i did use to get microderms once a month to no avail as well as chemical peels that actually scarred me really bad. are there any remedies that anyone can suggest that have worked for you? home remedies, pills, liver cleanses? im so desperate, i hate looking in the mirror, dont lecture me.....just tell me if anything has worked for you

Whats the deal with fake teeth?

beautifulcheese — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:31:57 -0800

What are dentures like? What effects do they have on your day to day living? I'm talking full ones here, top and bottom. Due to crap genetics, constant dry mouth, various medications, and addiction to diet pepsi and piss poor hygenie for 7 years or so its been advised I get full dentures. (I have a mass of broken teeth down to the root and hundreds of cavities I'm sure and am in constant pain.) Well not advised, the other option was $14,000 dollars to fix what is left and then constant upkeep to the few that would remain. I chose the provincial paid full dentures even though it destroys any ego I have left at 32.

I'm getting all the teeth pulled at once and then the dentures put in the same day. Immediates they are called. I assume this will be quite painful but I wasn't up to 8 weeks of healing with no teeth. Any experiences with the pain and or drugs they will give me to get through this?

How long does it take to get used to talk with them? I'm foolish and don't want to miss therapy as this is a significant time of year for me that I need support but do not want to be drooling and embrassing and slurring my words for weeks.

Eating? I assume soft foods and getting used to chewing and cutting small bites. Will I ever be able to take a bite out of something like a hamburger? I had a partial and I could barely bite through with an onion.

The Bottom Denture? This concerns me the most. I keep hearing how it is the tougher one as it has no suction to keep in it but that maybe I have "stuff" in there since I'm young that will help anchor it more. Will I constantly be aware of it and wondering if it is going to fly out of my mouth?

Do you sleep with them in? And what about tooth grinding? I used to wake up with chips of my teeth out because of jaw clenching. Will this be a concern?

Basically how long is it going to take to get used to these things as I never ever got used to my upper partial and took it off immediately when I wasn't in public. Ideally I'd like to be able to have teeth throughout the day. I'm sure I'll get more information from the dentist on the extraction date but that's a long way away.

Bonus points if if you are outside the typical "denture wearer age" and have experience how how it factors into your self esteem. or actually if you ever managed to have sex again after being forced to get them.

How do I feel better again?

isoman2kx — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 14:26:21 -0800

How do I feel better again? I don't. I don't know what to do anymore? As I type this I don't know whether to just start crying or to start shouting in frustration.

I just got done with a date, where I said probably -45 words despite the fact that I'm crazy about her and despite the fact that she's very much the same way towards me.

I've battled low self esteem for so long. I've made strides since I started (over 6 years ago) but in the last year or so, it doesn't feel like I've made any. I've always got some kind of anxiety or heart burn feeling in my chest, I'm always second guessing myself in whatever I do. I'm always worrying about what to say and when to say it. I always get frustrated/depressed/etc and it seems like I just don't have control of my emotions.

My dad passed away a month ago and that's been difficult but we're actually getting through it. I don't want to pin this on my dad and a lot of you might say, well Travis you're dad just passed away that's a HUGE factor in emotional health. You would be right. It's just I've felt this way long before my dad passed away, it just adds to it you could say.

I don't know what to do. I just recently started to seriously consider rotating antidepressants. I'd gotten tired of being depressed and taking the SAME anti depressants for 2 years and pretending they worked. I finally just snapped a few days ago and said look I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to get off this crap (effexor and wellbutrin) and try something so I can get my life back.

I went to my doctor (I see a psychiatrist too) a few days back and told him how I felt. We're giving lexapro a try now and its' been about 3 days on 10 mg. I forgot what I even wanted to ask yall on metafilter at this point. I'm just so frustrated with the way the date with, I'm so frustrated about not being able to be my old self. I'm frustrated about lacking all ability to make conversation (when I make conversation it feels like theres a boulder holding me back). I'm frustrated about being depressed and no antidepressants working for the past 2 years.

I'm tired of there being a burning in my chest the last few months, I'm tired of trying to think positively. It's so damn hard to think positively when your body is feeling a certain way. Seriously, it's so damn hard when you've got an anxiety pang in your stomach and you're like oh just think positively.

Does this ever get any better? Will I ever stop f'in up everything in my life?

-Travis

I love my girlfriend, but am I doin it rite?

crunch buttsteak — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 10:17:16 -0800

I am madly in love with my girlfriend. I want it to last. Am I doing everything I should be doing, as a good boyfriend? I have been with my current girlfriend for 6 months. We are both between 18-21 years of age. I've had relationships before, but they were different. In the past, I liked someone's company and the feeling of companionship. Sentimental, you could say. My longest relationship before this was 2 years, but it was casual and didn't mean much in the end.

Before this, I had never been with someone who I would consider marrying, spending the rest of my life with, etc.. I'm sure many of you have been there, but this is really new for me. I know we're both young, but I am so in love with her that it just.. it doesn't make sense. The only way I want this to turn out is with me giving her my love for the rest of my life, if not for the freakin rest of time itself.

But beneath all my layers of sap and sentimental mushiness, I do have a cynical, ~~pessimistic~~ realist side. I have a few concerns with our relationship and I want to know:
- if I should be concerned
- and if so, am I doing everything in my power to make things work?

1) She has low self esteem. She is very up and down, with her self-image and bouts of self-deprecation. I would say that she has an episode of either one (or both) maybe 5 or 6 days out of the week. She gets down on herself because she thinks she looks fat, or she doesn't think she'll amount to anything, or she hasn't decided what she wants to do career-wise, or she has one zit on her face that you can't even see with a microscope.

What I'm doing about it:
- I tell her very often how much I love her. I tell her in different ways. I tell her how I think about her during the day. We buy something from the grocery store, and I take her through a detour in the candy aisle to buy something she likes, just because.
- I tell her how beautiful she is, that she's slim and gorgeous (she's tall and slender, and her body fat is like.. if she leans back you can make out her floating ribs. It's all in her head!) I talk to her about how great she looks, how her hair is awesome, she has great lips and such a cute face. She's a knockout.. she just has trouble seeing it. She will eventually smile, get kind of giddy, and be like "okay :)"

2) We're both young.. what does that mean? I know that back in the "good old days," two people could spend their whole lives together, but my parents are divorced. Everyone's divorced. Some people have relationships in their twenties that last 3 years and then fizzle out. How can I prevent that? Is it even worth stressing over? My common sense tells me I should just live for the moment, be thankful day by day, and other stuff like that.. but if we ever end up apart, that stuff won't be enough.

3) She's exactly like the girlfriend here. That guy strikes me as kind of full of himself. I am not. I just love my girlfriend very much and want her to think us as equals, because I do. Honestly I think my girlfriend is hotter than I am by a pretty healthy margin.. but she often tells me that I'm so good to her, and so good-looking, and nobody else would ever love her this way if I left her. I mean.. it's really touching, and I know it comes from the heart.. but with that, obviously, she is missing some sense of self-worth.. you know?

TL;DR: I am happy with my girlfriend, she's happy with me. In the long term, am I doing things right? What should I do? What can I do? I somehow landed the woman of my dreams - how can I be perfect for her?

Thanks in advance for your help and advice.. I'll be checking back a lot so feel free to ask questions if you want.

How do you take a compliment?

Cool Papa Bell — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 11:36:25 -0800

Compliments and self-worth: Help me help my friend understand not everyone thinks she's stupid. A friend of mine gets the following email from a professional colleague after she organized a two-day meeting with 15+ people involved.

I wanted to thank you for organizing such a productive meeting. It really quite well, and we're all excited about XXX. Thanks for organizing everything, getting the right people in the room for us, and also for supplying breakfast, lunch and organizing the dinner. It was a great trip overall!

Her response to me:

Am I crazy? This doesn't sound like a compliment. This sounds like pandering. Any trained monkey could've done what I did -- made a few calls, made a dinner reservation, etc. I feel like the ugly girl being told I have a great personality.

The question: How can I make her take a compliment for what it is? She seems to feel that this compliment is somehow demeaning and humiliating. How does she break the rut of feeling like everyone thinks she's stupid and treats her like she's in the Special Olympics?

How can I stop being passive?

mintchip — Fri, 10 Nov 2006 22:29:59 -0800

How can I stop being passive? I've gotten feedback from people that I am very passive.

This honestly doesn't bother me; I basically like how I am. For whatever reason, things that bother other people don't seem to bother me. In fact, I don't even notice how it comes across to others that I'm passive. I've always been rather introverted and I avoid confrontation unless it's *really* necessary (I can confront someone if I'm really feeling wronged, but it takes a lot for me to feel the need).

There are few ways that I think my supposed passivity becomes a problem. First is that it may be what is holding me back in my career. People probably won't promote someone who they think is too passive. Second, it seems to bother other people because they read it as symptomatic of low self esteem. And finally, some people take advantage of people who they perceive as passive.

I say “supposed passivity” because in a way, I actually feel that may behavior shows inner confidence, and this inner confidence means that I don't feel the need to exert my will/stand up for myself as outwardly as others do. Unfortunately, I don't think many people get that about me. Americans are so "confidence happy" that I feel that I'll never get anywhere unless I become more confident. For example, I have had many people tell me that I am quite attractive, yet I don't seem to have much luck dating; only very few people who seem to "get me."

To boil it down: I don't know if being perceived as passive really is a problem or if I should just accept this as part of myself since I feel comfortable this way. I guess the real problem for me is that other people see it as a problem. The second part of the question is that if I do decide to work on it, how do I do it? I can try to examine my own behavior more closely, but this just makes me feel terribly self conscious—not a feeling that is likely to make me act more assertive or outwardly confident.

What IS a Torah scholar?

davy — Fri, 30 Sep 2005 22:30:45 -0800

What qualifications must someone have to be recognized as a Torah scholar? I've found articles like this, and definitions like "A Torah scholar is one who separates himself from the mundane and devotes his life to the living, infinite wisdom of the Holy Talmud" from here, and the Wikipedia article on Torah study give me a hint about what's involved, but how does one person who studies Torah get recognized as "a Torah scholar" while another does not? And does a Torah scholar need to be a rabbi?

"A professional baseball player" is easily defined, and what one must do to become a dentist are pretty straightforward -- "In the United States, dentists earn either a D.D.S. (Doctor of Dental Surgery) or D.M.D. (Doctor of Dental Medicine) degree after 4 years of postgraduate college education which follows 2 to 4 years of an undergraduate college education." (The latter came to mind because I've just had my teeth scaled again.) But "Torah scholar" strikes me as more intangible and/or subjective even than "philosopher"; when something "strikes me as intangible" I suspect I'm failing to understand something pretty obvious again.

(So far I think I'd prefer "dentist": do the schooling, pass the tests, get certified by a State board or something, and voila, whether anybody likes it or not you're officially a dentist; you can point to a diploma or certificate hanging on the wall, and the only "judgment" involved is whether you're a good or at least a competent dentist.)