Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with envy

How do I stop resenting my boyfriend?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 17:01:28 -0800

Help me get over my envy of my boyfriend's deservedly good professional reputation. I am in a serious relationship with a wonderful guy. We've been together about a year now. We met due to working in the same industry. In fact, we have just about the same job.

The problems started earlier this year when we both accepted a job at the same company, one that we had to relocate for. It's a long story, but I will try to shorten it:

I had a job offer from this company. He did not. They didn't think they would be able to hire him as well as me, despite wanting to, due to budget issues. However, we soon found out that they could hire the both of us after all, and thus packed up our stuff and moved. When we showed up at work that first day, I discovered that I was not hired and was expected to work while being evaluated for a week for free, whereas he was presented with new employee paperwork to fill out. Skipping over the details, we were able to work out my employment, starting the same day as him, paid, although at a salary 15% less than his. My initial experience proved to be quite telling. I was basically ignored or disregarded the entire time I was there. It was a negative work environment for him as well, but in different ways - he was practically idolized there, everyone would ask him for his opinion even in areas that I was more experienced in. My self worth took a nose dive, it was a terrible experience for me. One of the worst parts was its effect on my relationship with him - I started to feel resentful and/or competitive with him, even though I had no chance of "winning" in this environment.

Anyway, we both resigned and moved back to the city I'm from. We took jobs with different companies. However, I accepted an offer from a company he had worked for in the past. I now realize that this was a mistake. They hold him in fairly high regard and bring him up somewhat often.

We went out last night with one of my colleagues and some other friends. During the night my colleague kept speaking to my boyfriend as if he still worked there, asking his opinion on company policies and the like. I realize that I'm pretty sensitive to being ignored and to my boyfriend being favored, but I still think this was outside the realm of acceptable behavior. I lost it. I was crying, yelling, etc.

I realize that I need to do something about this, but I'm at a bit of a loss as to what I should do. I work in a fairly male-dominated sector, and I have spent a long time building up my reputation and career - almost 15 years. I've never run into this particular issue before. I love my boyfriend and I am very happy with him aside from *this*. His reputation is well deserved, and I don't wish to detract from it. I want him to be successful. I want me to be successful as well, though.

Aside from drastic measures like changing my career or ending the relationship - both things I really don't want to do, the latter more so to be honest - what can I do to deal with this? I've thought of seeing a therapist to get over the 6+ month bad job fiasco. I think that minor things are triggering me due to that experience.

Anyone here have experience working at the same job as their SO? Being compared to him or her, and coming out at the bottom?

Thanks. I realize this was a bit wordy, and I did my best to shorten it. I look forward to some good advice.

How can I start being a source of inspiration rather than envy?

Ookseer — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 05:20:17 -0800

How can I start being a source of inspiration rather than envy? Over the years, with increasing frequency, people have told me that they envy me. When I was younger I used to thrive on this, that I was living a life that others envied. But now, as I focus more on living the life that makes me most happy and fulfilled, I'd rather be in inspiration to people, so they can also be happier.

I've always been willing to talk with people who want to know how I made my life this way, offered encouragement, support, and occasionally mentoring, but with very little success. It often ends with people saying something along the lines of "Well you're luckier than I am" (Which I completely disagree and think is an excuse for not trying) or complaining that I can't relate to them.

The last criticism might be valid. I'm what could be called a "self made" person. I have had a lot of business success have used that to give myself a large amount of freedom and pursue what interest me. Recently I've been traveling the world, exploring my interests, expanding my knowledge. This has really gotten people's envy up. However I try not to be condescending. I don't consider myself especially skilled, I funked out of college. And while I haven't had a "real" job for about 15 years, I have had a "normal" life a pretty messy history of hard knocks, and stupid decisions before that.

At any rate, I tend to drive people away eventually. It seems like if people were really that interested in a lifestyle like mine, I should be drawing them. But I'm not even totally sure what I'm doing to drive people away. Though it's possible that my "lavish" lifestyle makes people uneasy, and my constant encouragement that people work to improve their lives could be considered nagging.

Glueckschmerz. Help?

Anonymous — Sat, 15 Jul 2006 11:53:37 -0800

When someone else wins, I feel like a loser, even if I'm not involved. How can I stop feeling this way? When I hear of someone's success, I feel bad about myself. If someone else gets a new promotion, an award, an opportunity or something that they're happy about, my first feeling is that I have failed because I don't have that kind of success. Their happiness underscores my own failings and unhappiness.

It's not exactly envy or jealousy, because sometimes it's something I don't even want, like a new job in a field I don't even work in. But I can't seem to stop comparing myself to other people, and when I hear someone else gets a step up, somehow I feel like I've been pushed down. I feel like if they win, I lose. I hate myself for failure; why don't _I_ have a brand new house, lots of fans, more money, more fame? Why does so-and-so get a movie contract, and not me? If it's just because 'life is unfair', well, that makes me feel bitter and bad, and if it's a case of "well, he's better than you are", that makes me feel worse, because I hate being the loser.

Even when I do have my successes, I can't stop it; I think, "Well, I got a promotion, but Jim got a better one at his company" or, "I won an award, but Ted got the same award last year and he's ten years younger than I am". I feel like I'm always in competition with everyone and it's tearing me up inside.

I know this is an "evil" way to feel. We are supposed to be happy when other people do well. We're supposed to say "good for you!" and never be envious or covet what others have. I hate myself for thinking like this, and in fact I'm so ashamed about it, I don't want to use my real name in this post. I know it's wrong, I want to stop, but I don't know how to stop.

Can anyone give me some good advice, or reasoning, or point me to some books or help, about how I can stop feeling this way?

You can email me at glueckschmerz@gmail.com