Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with emotions

Unblocking the emotional dam - slowly!

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 08:30:12 -0800

How can I make space for my emotions and feel safe letting myself feel them? I've recently started seeing a psychologist, who pointed out last week that despite being female, I have a very "masculine" way of dealing with things - or rather, not dealing with them. I hadn't actually noticed until she said it, but my entire life I've kind of shut off any "weak" emotions - even as a child I only cried once in primary school - and tried to just be stoic about things. I used to think this was a good thing but I'm beginning to realise it's not really helping me. I am now in recovery for an eating disorder which for a long time I didn't even realise I had, and now that I am not using starvation as a coping method, I'm aware that a lot of painful stuff is bubbling just beneath the surface and it's going to have to come out some time but I'm afraid to go there - meanwhile, I'm getting bouts of depression etc. A year ago I left a very unhealthy relationship totally heartbroken and destroyed. I tried to deal with this in the way a guy would (never speak of it again + conquests) but I know it's just a temporary measure and I'm STILL not over it. All the hurtful things in my life I've always just acted like they didn't affect me and belittled with jokes if anyone asked. But underneath I feel like something is broken inside me and I'm too scared to touch it in case I fall right apart. I have trouble sleeping and lots of bad dreams. I know I have to face this but my therapist appointments are a week apart.

I'm looking for any tips on how to go about this (I have tried journalling and writing unsent letters but am looking for other ideas, especially for when it's dark and quiet and these thoughts start to come up) - just blocking it out and trying to hurriedly move on with my life doesn't seem to be working anymore but I don't want to get "stuck" in this stuff either. Meditation techniques or something might be good. Maybe if I can set aside a half hour each day or something? There are some things that I almost start to think about but then it feels like putting my hand back in a fire that burnt me once so I quickly change the subject in my head. What would happen if I allow myself to go there? Should I? Can one really "process" past hurt or is it masochistic to revisit it in your head? Is it necessary?

What's worked for you? How do you process really painful stuff? Were you scared that you'd lose yourself in the grief? Is it a good or bad idea to talk to people (friends) about this stuff or better to just continue to pretend to be ok? Anecdotes and advice appreciated!

Music brings out emotions in me, I need to disassociate these emotions

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 20:28:48 -0800

Certain songs bring out memories for me and that's normal. But sometimes, I hear a song that I listened to during a particularly bad time in my life and I'm afraid that I will re-live that time, or even more stupidly, that I will re-experience it. How do I stop doing this to myself? There's some great music out there that I'm withholding myself from. Examples:

- I was listening to a lot of Metric before and after I broke up with my girlfriend and after that, I can't bring myself to listen to them again.

- Listened to a lot of Beck around the time my parents decided to split and really can't listen to him anymore.

Blogs with the same feeling as This American Life?

salvia — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 10:20:20 -0800

I'm looking for blogs about psychology, storytelling, emotions, why people do the things they do, the human condition, or just good blogs with people's stories. I've been finding some good stuff in this past AskMe. (For example, this blog would be great, if it were still active.) Is there more out there? They can be funny, curious and thoughtful, analytical, whatever, so long as what they're really about is what makes people tick. (In case this question is too vague, my past book questions are asking for similar stuff.)

Basically, I'd like to spend the bus ride home from work every day shifting out of "to do" list mode and remembering what it's like to be a human being.

Please help me reply to my mom's email concerning Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 16:50:35 -0800

My mom sent me an email today acknowledging for the very first time (that I am aware of) that she experiences symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I would like to write the best response that I can to her, with some links or information about possible next steps. I don't want to screw this up, please help me help her! I have spent my adult life aware of her serious emotional and cognitive problems. My younger years with my parents were awful – I was rebellious and angry and unable to accept the serious dysfunction in our family. For the last 10 years I have been in therapy intermittently (taking breaks due to geographical and financial difficulties), where I have successfully learned to be accepting yet necessarily distant from both of my parents. There is no question whatsoever between all of my therapists and me that my mother suffers from severe Aspergers symptoms (almost every single criteria in the DSM IV fits her), as well as some emotional difficulties. My dad has some emotional problems as well, but they don't seem to be as severe as my mother's. They have a happy marriage, but its been lived blissfully in denial. My brother and I have suffered immensely. I have recovered, my brother hasn't. We are not close.

Fortunately for me, I learned to be very independent from a young age. I also do not display any pragmatic or negatively-impacting symptoms of ASD. I do however experience intense passions and focus, am able to see patterns in things that others don't tend to pick up on, and show an aptitude for understanding complex systems like language, puzzles, mechanics, etc. Basically, I seem to have some of the socially desirable features of ASD, with none of the social impairments.

I say all this, because in an email exchange today with my mom about language and ASD (I study pragmatics and sent her a link to an NPR talk in reply to a question she asked), she responded with the following, "Do you think you may be Autistic? I am wondering about me and my sensitivity to sound and light. Mom."

I would love to reply to this email in the best, most encouraging way possible. Maybe include a link to a place near her to get a professional test to determine if she has ASD, and where to go from there. Maybe a support group number, or a reason why it might be beneficial to understand more about the possibility of a professional diagnosis.

I am trying not to get my hopes up about this opportunity to help her. My mother has lived a lifetime of pain and confusion, not understanding why she miscommunicates with those around her (she often unknowingly offends others to the point where they scream, yell, or otherwise distance themselves from her). My dad literally shelters her from the world, sacrificing the needs of others or dismissing them in order to keep my mom calm, all the while praising her for being quirky. He means well, and wants the best for her, but this approach has prevented her from being able to stand on her own, seek answers and grow.

I am not close with any members of my family, and have been independently successful and healthy for some time. Through the advice of my previous therapists, I have limited my contact with family members to brief phone conversations and emails. This has done wonders for my relationships with them, and I don't wish to disrupt the balance. However, I see this email as an opportunity to take some important growth steps to self-realization...for all of us. I want to do it right.

MeFites: Please provide me with some advice, links, or ways to approach this subject that might resonate best with her and help her. How would you handle this situation? What would you write back?

FYI, I am female, early 30's, not currently in therapy due to financial constraints, but definitely reconsidering going back now to get some help understanding and processing these new developments. I'll be happy to provide more info as necessary. Throwaway email address: helpmehelpmom@gmail.com

Not superpowerz but skillz

bunny hugger — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 19:58:59 -0800

What's the name of my somewhat useless, but neat, ability to recognize people from their pictures as kids? Not a bulletpoint for putting on resumes, it's true, but I've always had a profound ability to recognize people from their pictures as babies/kids. Is there a name for this? Does anyone else think this is their stupid human trick?
Also, I'm very good at reading emotions on faces. A brow crinkle here, a smile there. I think I know exactly what they're thinking. What's this called (besides being presumptuous)?

Ok is not yes!

abdulf — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 21:07:31 -0800

Did you marry someone you felt "ok" about at first? How did it work out? This does sound like it's been asked before, but I'm not asking for advice for any current situation - because one doesn't exist.

I was thinking about a lot of experiences I've had that I thought were going to be just ok, but turned out great.

In the context of marriage, what did you do when you found someone you felt "ok" about? Did you go ahead and marry them? Did it work out well? Better than expected?

When I say "ok" I don't say it with regret or the absence of affection. Ok is not bad. Ok is good.

But "ok" is not "great". Ok is comfortable and fulfilling. It's not a "you complete me" sort of thing though. If "ok" was a grade, it would be a B+ with a chance for extra credit.

I would like to hear stories. Thanks!

Do they really know?

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 08:23:08 -0800

Will my inappropriate crush know? How do I keep it hidden? I've had a good female friend for 10 years (I'm a guy). We were just normal part-of-a-group friends for a long time. I really never felt any chemistry between us, although, admittedly, she's never much of a flirt, (ok, she basically cannot flirt at all), especially for a beautiful woman. I appeared to be the only guy in our group that did not have a secret crush on her.

About two years ago, we got into a little spat that was basically her fault. It wasn't a big deal, but somehow festered into us not talking for two months.

Eventually I ran into her on the street and she apologized for not calling me about the "incident." I said no problem and we hung out with our group of friends without incident a few days later. Things seemed totally normal.

She was looking for a job on the other side of the country and soon found it. In the two months she had left in our city, she started wanting to hang out with me a lot, and seemed to want to avoid group things and just do stuff me and her. I thought nothing of it, until she specifically requested that her and I go to dinner "just the two of us" a few days before she was going to leave. I suddenly got the distinct impression she was crushing on me and hoping maybe I would do something. I didn't really feel that way about her, despite the fact that she's objectively better looking than me. I think the lack of my interest involved her being somewhat cooler and less passionate than the "difficult type" I find myself generally attracted to.

When she arrived in her new place on the opposite coast, she started calling me twice a week. I rarely called her back, as I'm not much of a phone person. This continued for six months. I didn't think much of it until I learned that she was really not calling anyone else in the group but me, including female friends who I thought she was much closer to. I started to get the feeling she was crushing on me again. Several of the male friends we share started making comments that she had a crush on me. I discounted their statements because she's tall and is practically obsessed with tall guys and I'm shorter than her. I also learned that while we weren't talking, she was asking all our friends what she should do about the "incident" and was apparently pretty upset about us not talking.

At some point during these calls, I started teasing her about calling me all the time and wondered aloud how I became her best friend. She laughed about it and more or less admitted it was true. (She's not my best friend by far, but a good friend nonetheless).

I must admit I enjoyed the attention, without being intersted on my own side.

After a year, the calls slowed down a bit due to a lot going on with her, down to once a week. Through this whole period, we had talked about me coming out for a visit, as I have other friends in the area. Other members of the group went and visited her, but despite her request, I didn't come because I had a family event.

A few weeks ago, she started calling again relatively frequently. She has begun talking about moving back to where I live, which is the world center of what she does for a living. She states repeatedly that she misses her friends here and how great these friends are. We had also been discussing me coming out to visit her and my other friends.

During one of those calls, as she was laughing at my jokes, I suddenly felt attracted to her.

I have been upset about this since I felt this way and have felt crushing feelings towards since that time. Suddenly I care who is calling and when and feel upset if she doesn't return my call when I would like it. I think about her in sexual contexts and she is my distraction of choice. She has nothing going on with any guys, as usual.

Recently when I started to finalize my plans, she found out that she had been accepted for a volunteer trip and asked that I postpone a month so she could take extra time off and we could go to her parents cabin. I agreed.

Since that time I've been pretty wound up about the whole thing. I am concerned about spending time with her as I am pretty sure she isn't into me in that way, especially because of the height thing, which is pretty important to her.

I am concerned that I will not be able to hide my new, different feelings for her and that she will "know" that I like her and I will be upset. I don't want to feel rejected and I wish I wasn't having these feelings and want things to go back to where they were before. My fear is increased by the fact that we will be spending what appears to be a lot of "alone time" at her parent's cabin.

My question is two-fold: Will she know I am now crushing on her? and is there anyway that I can hide this from her while staying out there?

thanks!

Experiencing an emotional crisis. Should I contact this girl?

dadaluma — Sat, 09 May 2009 02:03:12 -0800

I need to get this off my chest. At the moment my emotional state is all out of whack. To the point that it is beginning to adversely affect my daily life. I cannot think as clearly as I used to since my mind is drifting. I keep experiencing daydream-like flashbacks of certain points in my childhood, all dealing with people I wish I was still around with. It's not like I completely stop whatever I'm doing and think about these things, but they are always in the back of my mind, like a subconscious memory that is stuck. Basically, I think memories of this one girl I knew way back when are bringing this on. Should I get in touch with her, despite the fact I now live thousands of miles away? Backstory: what might have been the onset of this? When I was still in high school as a senior at 17, my parents decided to move. At the time, I was excited. Back where I used to live, there were admittedly no opportunities for me. Since moving, I have started college and started up my own business in the technology field with hosting websites. I also work as a independent journo in the video game industry (going to E3 next month). Anyway, going through with this move meant I never was able to experience the last few months with high school friends before moving on to secondary education. Honestly though, I didn't care at the time, as I was never really emotionally attached to my surroundings.

But now, three years later, I'm feeling regrets, despite everything else in my life being on the up. At the core of it all is this girl I knew awhile back. I never knew her that well, guess you could say we were only casual friends. She was very carefree and had a super likable personality. I did sense a connection that I never had felt before between us but well, I never made a move. It's not exactly that I was shy or anything, just that getting a girlfriend back then was not top on my list of priorities. So yeah, I reckon I let the chance pass me by. Although I cannot say for certain if she really liked me or not, it sure feels like I blew it anyway.

So now, I am wondering if I should contact her again, just to chat as friends? Maybe just talking to her would fill this void in my life and stop the recurring memories. I really don't know. I'm only hesitant as I am short on words. By that I mean I have no idea what to say to her. And plus, having someone contacting you out of the blue that you only knew casually after three years seems sort of awkward.

I suppose... I may be experiencing these feelings as I'm at an age where I still can do something about it. Possibly, anyway. It's safe to say that wanting to get back to together with someone 10-20 years after the fact is not going to happen in most cases. In my case though it has been only three years. So perhaps that "chance," however minute it may be, is bringing this all on.

Feel me out, I want to feel.

gadha — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 12:48:44 -0800

Why don't I feel excited or satisfied about anything and how can I change it? So growing up (I can remember until my late teens) I would feel a sense of satisfaction and pride at accomplishing things or at major events (friend's weddings, birthdays, etc).

Now, (late 20s) I feel no joy in anything, and no sense of accomplishment or achievement. Like most people I have targets and specific accomplishments, I am motivated and I want to achieve, and when I do I just feel... flat and move on directly to the next one.

With myself and with others I feel no excitement at milestones anymore. I fake it a lot of the times with others but don't have to and so don't for myself.

As far as I know I'm not suffering from depression; surprisingly I used to be a fairly negative person whereas now I'm more positively inclined. I write about this because it's almost like feeling like a robot somewhat and I really want to change it. Any tips?

Psychology of unemotional sex

monkey85 — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 07:31:41 -0800

Is there any academic research showing that men can have sex without emotion, i.e. just a "hook up"? Why would this be? A female friend of mine doesn't believe that men can have sex without it being emotional. As a guy who has done this, I disagree vehemently but can't "prove" it except to say, well, *I* say I can.

I am hoping someone might have links to articles that draw on psychology or brain chemistry, etc. to explain why men may be different from women in this respect, or simply how this is possible. I'd like to keep this away from the realm of personal experiences if possible.

Thanks, guys!

Can circumstances change attitude?

CollectiveMind — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 05:12:19 -0800

Can someone who seems embittered by their experiences with the world in general, and with people, institutions, religion and relationships in particular, improve their view with a change in circumstances? Or, is how they handle the feelings from those experiences more about character, with a change in location or fortunes not having much long-term emotional effect? I was going to give an long explanation of what I know of a friend person's history. Over the years, me and other have seen their attitude worsen as their own fortunes have changes. But I realized explaining the context might not be that necessary since I think the questions is pretty straightforward. If the responses indicate context is needed, I'll add it.

So, again, is there any thinking or research that answers the question, in general, of whether changes in scenery or circumstances help people become better, happier selves, or can negative experiences in life twist people to where they are permanently unable or unwilling to be more accepting of or optimistic in the world?

Feelin' Good

Neonshock — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 13:54:20 -0800

Do you feel feelings? I seem to have some problem feeling...well, feelings. My standard base demenor is happy and positive which I am...constantly. Which is weird. I have alot of exciting and interesting things going on right now I feel I should be feeling something about, eg. travel coming up soon; dont feel excited, nervous...anything. People Im dating...nothing again, its becoming a pain because I have to kind of imagine what i might be feeling.
People are starting to worry about me, close friends rather because I can honestly tell them what i feel, or lack thereof. With other people Im starting to guess how I should be feeling and just act that way...be it happy or sad or whatever. My friends are starting to ask me wheather I think I should see a doctor or something but I feel fine...

I dont know when this started, but after a conversation with my Mum yesterday she things I have always been quite "reserved and cold" which I agree with when it comes to emotion and feeling.

So my question is, is this just me? Does anyone else feel like this? Am I kidding myself? Should I see a doctor? Is this normal?

FYI 23 year old female, good health, no medication.

Save me from my obamotions

emhutchinson — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 17:40:39 -0800

How can I keep from crying or otherwise over-emoting on Tuesday at my son's fourth grade Inauguration celebration open house pot-luck? My mother always said chewing on white bread could keep you from crying while chopping onions. But what will keep me safe from embarrassing my son and myself on Inauguration Day? Please don't say "Just stay home."

(But if you want to, you can say "Happy Birthday!")

looking for expressive composers

leibniz — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 05:46:11 -0800

Does anyone know of any Europe based composers who are concerned with the relation between music and emotions, and who would also be good conference speakers? This is a work related question. I am trying to get together speakers for a conference, but asking around it seems that nowadays composers are not especially interested in the expressive qualities of their music, preferring to focus on more formal innovations. Please give suggestions! I don't care how famous the person is, but given that this is a highbrow academic conference, they should hopefully be either based at a European university, or otherwise academically inclined. Composers in any (serious) music style would be acceptable.

How do I keep my head straight about a girl?

weh546 — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 00:20:13 -0800

How do I keep my head straight about a girl, while being the rebound, even though I am really interested in her? Very confused. So I recently had a one night stand with one of my friends who I know from school. This is a girl that I had been interested in since I met her last year, but didn't want to do anything since she was taken. She broke up with her boyfriend, told me about it, and I moved in as the rebound and met with her this past weekend for a night in the city. As a one night stand I'm not sure what to do in this position.

Leading up to the event of us hanging out was fun, it was exciting and we were flirting over the phone by text messaging. The idea of meeting in the city was even both ways. I had a great time in the city with her and it was nice to be with a girl. This was also something that she wanted also, and I was happy to give her comfort and relaxation.

Since then, I feel I am in more of a negative position, more so feeling like a burden rather than a positive influence of comfort. I feel that by talking to her I am overwhelming her, and am maybe being a little obsessive about it.

I obviously am not intending to be overwhelming but I might be coming across that way. I really just want to tell her that I understand that she has a lot going on, that she needs to figure things out, and that she should sort those out and not even worry about my feelings.

I kind of just want to keep the door open for later possibilities because I know that she wants to figure things out right now.

I'm really at a loss for what to do and am definitely confused. I don't want to end up pushing her away, I really want to keep this open and just as positive as it was.

I feel I am always the one trying to make more out of what was there in the end. Situations like this have happened in the past, I get depressed, and honestly, it sucks. I think the one day no call thing really works wonders. How do I come across as being friendly without making myself so vulnerable?

After writing this, I also think I am the one that needs to take is slow and easy.

Help me achieve catharsis through reading

brandnew — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 08:11:47 -0800

Fiction or film recommendations with characters that undergo serious catharsis I've been having some rough times lately, emotionally. My life has suddenly become very strange and foreign after years of stability. I'm doubting all kinds of things and solid relationships are being turned upside down. I want to read my pain away. Are there any novels or films where the protagonist suddenly questions everything in their life and finds that they're not living the life they were meant to live? I'm looking for books highly character-driven, relationship-oriented,with difficult life-changing decisions to be made (or not made). modern, if possible. A lot of books these days seem to be highly clever, which is ok, but I'm more interested in empathy and emotional resonance. Surrealism and magical realism ok, but I'm looking to identify in realistic ways. Something that will hit me harder than a dose of MDMA

Unwelcome flashbacks

Anonymous — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:10:58 -0800

My past experiences are coloring my perception of the present, my personal life is crashing into my professional life, help me make it stop. Things are changing for me at work. I'm moving to a position that's a much better fit for my skills and interests. I'm in academia, so things like this don't happen often. It's awesome, and I'm grateful.

However, it's causing some anxiety and hurt feelings in the area I'm leaving, particularly with my immediate supervisor, who, along with his wife and children, have been close personal friends of mine. I expected some of this reaction from him, mostly because from his perspective, the change came out of the blue, and he feels that more notice would have been better, particularly given our friendship. I'm willing to take responsibility for the choices I made in that regard.

The problem is this: his obvious and oft-stated disappointment/anger/hurt feelings are taking a form which is eerily evocative of behaviors and attitudes belonging to a long-ago (more than 10 years) ex who was often emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. This makes my reactions and emotions respond at a level completely out of whack with the actual situation. Yes, it's stressful and sad, but no, I don't need to find a place to hide, or pack a "just in case" bag to be ready to flee when he approaches.

Now I've started having dreams where I'm in unhappy past places and situations, but he's taking the place of my ex who was really there. I have to consciously remind myself at work that all he's done is yell and say some unkind things, that he hasn't actually, and wouldn't ever, hit me. This seems ridiculous. I'm starting to feel like a tv movie Vietnam vet, leaping behind couches when a car backfires outside.

He doesn't know about the ex, and now is not the time to tell him. (Before all this happened, I would have been perfectly comfortable telling him about it, there just wasn't ever any reason to. I've had therapy, moved past it, gotten support, had subsequent healthy relationships, so, it's just not something that tends to come up in everyday conversation.)

My question is, how do I deal in the short term, since we'll be sharing office space for at least a few weeks longer, what's the best way to cope should additional confrontations arise (again, this is academia, drama tends to run higher than it did in non-academic jobs I've had, so confrontation is decently likely), and, is there anything I can do in the long term to more or less "unlearn" this association between my ex and this guy so I can have some hope of rebuilding the friendship?

Thanks, AskMe. You've always handled my non-anonyme questions so well, I have high hopes you'll be able to help me fix this, too. If I've been unclear, email followup to HeIsNotMyEx@gmail.com.

Express yourself.

Alligator — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 12:45:31 -0800

To what degree do you (or people in general) share your emotions with other people? with your therapist? I'm mostly particularly interested in "negative" emotions, e.g. sadness, guilt, fear, anger, shame, etc. In the past couple of years, I've had a lot of intense, probably frightening emotions that I have felt unsafe sharing with anyone else. I'm doing much MUCH better, but it makes me feel sad and false at times that I can't just share my thoughts or feelings with other people. I actually just started therapy, and I like my therapist a lot, but I'm having trouble expressing myself with her, too. We pretty much wasted a whole session yesterday with her asking me questions and me answering that I didn't know. The thing is, a lot of times I DO know; I just get flustered or very unsure of myself when I feel put on the spot for answers. I was struck with just this feeling of sadness and guilt yesterday during our session, and I just didn't say anything about it, even when my therapist remarked that I seemed distracted. I guess I'm struggling with what degree of openness and self-expression is appropriate to have in relationships with other people, including my therapist.

So, my question is, to what degree do you (or people in general) share your emotions with other people? with your therapist? I'm mostly particularly interested in "negative" emotions, e.g. sadness, guilt, fear, anger, shame, etc.

Why isn't this working?

LoneWolfMcQuade — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 06:27:06 -0800

I've tied myself into a knot trying to date someone and need to undo it. A woman and I have been getting together, having dinners and such regularly for about two weeks. I really thought we had a lot of things going for each other. I'm rather shy and slow to initiate physical contact. Now, I can't tell if I just missed the boat (in which case maybe I should try to catch it at the next stop?), or if this just isn't supposed to happen.

Further information that would help in considering this situation: we have a lot of common interests and laugh a lot when we get together. Overall, she's been enthusiastic about hanging out. I look for flirtatious signs when I see her but don't see a lot. I probably fucked up on the first date by saying goodbye and turning around without so much as a hug. Now, I sometimes feel a tension in our conversations - she is a sparkplug type (which I like), and I fear my own directionlessness with this whole thing has even frustrated her a tad. I know that one answer is to just up and kiss her, but somehow I feel conflicted, as if she perhaps wouldn't appreciate it, and that to do so would be ignoring counter-signs worth listening to (periodic awkward pauses, odd disagreements over rather random mundane issues of politics and taste, sort of a staunch refusal on her part to send physical signals or even be up for something like a drink to loosen things up). So, maybe I can hit bottom at this by saying: I know the advice, at some level, is to get in touch with the gut and follow it. But how to step back and get in touch with the gut in a situation where I feel like I've tied it and a bunch of bullshit together into one big, gnarly knot?

Final tidbits before handing this over to the hive:
--She's from out of town and doesn't seem to be immediately loving the new environs...things are in general a little topsy-turvy for her
--I can be pretty cerebral but in general have a fairly healthy social life + other interests (music, biking, etc)
--Our conversations have been very wide-ranging but haven't stepped much at all into what our personal lives are like/have been like (though I am at least nearly 100% certain she is unattached)
--This has happened to me before, more than once. In the past, I've let this kind of thing go on for months until it drives me up the wall and I bring it up in a way that is way too little, too late, and very unproductive.
--I think overall I don't have 'attractiveness' issues and really want to get past this trend I perceive where my most successful relations with women rely on the woman for an uncommon proportion of the relationship-initiation work.

"You weren't meant to have a boss." - Paul Graham

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 14:15:14 -0800

I'm terrible at having a job, and it's making my life unlivable. Help. I've been a flop at basically every job I've ever had. My wife and my friends will all tell you differently; they'll say I'm personable, knowledgeable, outgoing, successful and friendly. But I know the sad truth. I just don't think I'm meant to work for other people. I'm shit with deadlines, critical and ignorant of company policies, rules and management, convinced that I'm right all the time, and indignant at being compelled to help other people make lots of money and have nice vacations while I struggle to get by and commute 1.5 hours every morning.

I'm at this point with yet another job. I'm a year and a half in and I've been slack enough in all the right ways that I'm a pariah. They haven't fired me yet, but it's probably just because I'm not worth the effort. The whole situation is eating away at what's left of my self worth.

The funny thing is, on my own, I'm great. I get shit done, I'm kind to clients and I'm on time. I have great ideas and I follow through with them. There's no way I can do freelance right now though; the wife and I just signed a mortgage, my town is small and she's not going for the "feast or famine" of freelance.

So, how do I get better at having a normal job? How do I swallow my pride and stop seeing all my heroes smirk at me from behind their guitars while I work some shit job making banner ads?

This is depressing, and it's making me feel like a terminal failure. I feel unable to consistently provide for my wife, and I feel like a burden on my fellow workers (and they're not above reminding me from time to time, which makes me feel like I've just been picked last in gym class.) Help? Ideas?

my children shall have no names

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 09:08:50 -0800

How do I deal with wanting (but not planning to have) children? I'm female and in my mid-thirties. I am not going to have children - I'm not in a relationship, not looking, introverted and needing lots of solitude, suffer from depression so don't think it would be a good idea to bring a child up on my own*. I have, however, what feels like an "ache" to have a child. I see a lot of children as I look after relatives' children a couple of days a week. I also work in services for children though in a support role, not directly with children. How can I get over what feels like a kind of mourning for the life I won't have? Truly, I am pretty content with the life I have, and know what I would lose if I had a child, and know that I wouldn't cope with it and it would be bad for the child. I would like to be less obsessed with the children issue - I've made a decision that I'm sure is right so how can I get my feelings in line with my plans?

* I do know that other people in these circumstances have children and do fine - this is a decision about my ability to cope, not anyone else's.

Practical strategies for learning how to accept yourself, failures and all?

Anonymous — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 06:20:33 -0800

I realized recently that I’m ashamed of myself at a deep fundamental level. When I fail at something big or small, I beat myself up emotionally more than I should and feel ashamed. I realize that this is not emotionally healthy, but I’m not really sure what I can do to change the dynamic. An example of how this plays itself out in my life: sometimes at work I’ll procrastinate. When this happens, I feel awful. It’s not just that I’m frustrated by my lack of progress on the daily minutia that makes up my work life. I beat my self up for procrastinating and tell myself that I should be better than this, that by this point in my life someone like me should be beyond this type of issue. I worry that my incompetence in time-management is totally obvious to everyone around me. I have this deep-ceded fear of being caught, of people seeing me for who I really am. By the end of a non-productive afternoon, I’m twitchy, grumpy, and stressed out, and I feel ashamed of my performance at work. The emotional response is powerful and way out of proportion to what happened, and it makes me feel really anti-social, like I just want to curl up and hide from the world.

But in addition to the ups and downs of day-to-day life, there are also parts of myself that I’m deeply ashamed at a more general level. For instance, I’m overweight, the heaviest I’ve ever been in my entire life, and not athletic. Because of this, I feel unattractive, and ashamed of the way I look. I’m embarrassed when I look at myself in the mirror.

Then there’s my career path, or lack there of. While I have a job that’s been good to me at a prestigious Fortune 100 company, I don’t have a defined career path and I have no idea where I’m going. The biggest surprise about the post-college transition has been how much I’ve mourned losing the ability to legitimately claim the identity of “student”. In my new post-student status I’ve been unprepared for that fact that “what I do” largely defines who I am and in the 4 years since graduating I’ve failed to come up with an answer to the inevitable cocktail party question that I’m genuinely proud of. I cringe inside every time I have to give my answer about still “figuring out what I’m going to do” to a new acquaintance or colleague.

(Of course I know that I’m hardly alone in my predicament as far as careers go, and aware of the fact that many people who think they have this figured out at my age end up being proved wrong and changing careers down the line anyway. But at this point in my life I’d rather be wrong than indecisive, and the career decisions I’ve made since graduating have been reactive and haphazard. The point is I’m not proud at the manner in which I’ve handled my career planning over the past 4 years, and it feels like a significant failing to me.)

When I think about my various flaws and failings, my first thought for how to go about losing this sense of shame is that I should focus on improving myself. I tell myself that once I’ve fixed my problems I will no longer feel the shame I feel now. There’s a certain amount of logic to this thought process, but when I think about it I realize that a “problem-oriented” approach to my emotions is fundamentally flawed--I can’t wait until everything is fixed to accept myself, because I’ll never stop waiting.

So the question then becomes, if I don’t become more accepting of myself through self-improvement what, exactly, do I do? What steps can I take to accept myself for who I am, flaws and all, in an emotionally healthy way? And whatever it is that I should do, does it conflict with the self-improvement actions that I’m naturally inclined towards, given that by undertaking a self improvement process I’m implicitly stating that there’s something wrong with me?

There’s part of me that’s worried that if I were to accept myself the way I’m now, I’d stop changing, stop growing, and I’d have to (paradoxically) give up on my aspirations of being the person I want to be. I’ve tried to analyze people that I know who are happy and satisfied with themselves to see if I can gain any insights into this. They all have flaws after all, and they are still growing and improving themselves, but that does not prevent them from being satisfied with their current station in life. But they also have an almost Zen-like acceptance of who they are, where they are, and what they are doing that seems to be largely unaffected by external events. That’s a frustratingly difficult quality to try and emulate.

So, what should I do?

P.S.: Throwaway email, incase anyone wants to respond privately: learntoacceptmyself@gmail.com

I'm going to beat the hell out of something, can you recommend a bat?

Soulbee — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 08:55:16 -0800

I want to be able to beat the crap out of the inside of my car or truck with some sort of non-destructive implement. What do you suggest? Seeking aggression outlet. My car is my most private and isolated space, therefore is frequently the venue of emotional releases that need to take place right now. The 10-minute scream is no longer doing the trick, and I had the thought of maybe just beating the heck out of something...without hurting it or me. I was thinking foam bat, but a google search indicates that foam bat doesn't mean what i think it means. I was thinking some sort of sturdy/stiff spongy-type bat. I seem to recall those from childhood. The type without a core. But all the stores i found online sell foam bats which are much stiffer, not spongy foam, with a core, and I'm not sure if that would cause damage or leave marks in my vehicle. Can you either recommend a place i can buy the type of bat I'm looking for or recommend something else that would serve a similar purpose? I'm not looking for a discussion why i have this aggression, whether this is an appropriate aggression outlet, or why specifically it has to be safe for the car. I have my reasons and believe they're sound. I just want advice on the implement/tool itself. Thanks!!!

A word for the emotion you don't feel?

coizero — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 19:36:00 -0800

Is there a word for: expecting to feel grief or ache of conscience and then not feeling it? Synonyms for "numbness," "relief," and "surprise" aren't what I'm looking for; I need something specific. Example: In "Crimes & Misdemeanors," when the wealthy man reflects on how rapidly he was able to recover after having his mistress murdered.

Not limited to English ... a word from any language would be appreciated.

Thank you so much!

Help me figure out the next step with my dad.

Ash3000 — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:01:26 -0800

Have you ever explicitly told your dad, or any parent, that for your own emotional well-being you need time away from them? Have you ever wanted to? Is there any way to do this? Details inside. It was on a family roadtrip over the holiday that it's crystallized to me most clearly: I must minimize, for at least the immediate future, my father's presence in my life.

To give some context, I'm 23, six months out of college. My parents are in southern NJ, whereas I live and work in NYC. My dad pretty much systematically destroyed any sense of worth or self-esteem I may have had growing up. While he almost never laid a hand on me, the cruelty and pervasiveness of the ways in which he made me feel worthless, ugly, damaged and disgusting while growing up would require an essay to even scratch here; in addition, it's only been since leaving for college that I fully understood what a terrible role model he is and was, particularly in the way he talks to and treats his wife, my mom.

In the past few years, he's slowly reformed himself, seemingly realizing the extent to which he fucked up my childhood. For the most part, he's been much more gentle, less judgmental, etc. There are lapses now and then, but I forgive them.

Until this roadtrip. It's been such a merciless reminder of what it was like in my house growing up that I've been crying to sleep in the hotels the last week, listening to music I haven't listened to since I was 16, etc. I feel like a good chunk of the work I've done to not hate myself is melting away.

Bleh. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to talk to my dad (or maybe even my mom, who I sometimes hate for enabling him) on the phone, while I'm in NYC. I don't want to go to NJ to visit them. I don't know what to do. But at the same time, I want him to somehow realize (given that he seems oblivious) that he is really hurting me, that if I don't talk to him on the phone, there's a reason, it's not "fucking [my name] being [my name]." Part of me wishes I could scream at him about what an awful father he is, how much harder he made it for me to have normal relationships, etc., without there being family fallout. Part of me just wants to wake up with a new family. I don't know.

Anyone been in this situation?