Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with emotionalabuse

Tell me how you survived the end of a long relationship.

Anonymous — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 09:29:48 -0800

Last summer I left an emotionally abusive long-term relationship, and I’m still really struggling with loneliness and heartbreak. Hope me. I’ll try to keep this brief. The relationship had lasted more than 15 years. It had some very good qualities to it and there were things about it that made me happy for a long time. However, it was also emotionally abusive, and things became very bad in the last couple of years. I knew I had to leave to save myself.

So I went very far away because I knew if I didn’t, I’d just go back to him. And I keep reading about how amazing I will feel and the thing is…I don’t. All this time later and I’m still heartbroken. I miss him terribly. I burst into tears at random moments. I feel like the best part of my life is over and I’ll never find anyone who has the good qualities he did that made me happy (when he wasn’t yelling at me and making me cry—I know, right?). Sometimes I feel like the pain is so great I will not survive it. Sometimes I think I will literally die of loneliness (even though I live with people and can be with people as much as I need to.) Oh, and did I mention the crippling guilt?

It’s good that I went far away, because if I hadn’t, I’d probably have gone back to him; I’ve made it logistically impossible to do that. And intellectually, I know it is a terrible idea. Intellectually, I even understand that someday I might feel better.

Emotionally, I’m not buying it.

Things that help: casual dating (with full disclosure of my circumstances), exercise, staying busy, reading loads of human relationship questions on MeFi

Things that don’t: talking about it and journaling don’t, most of the time; they just upset me more, I think because I am already in my head enough and I agonized over this for so long before leaving. I also posted on an emotional abuse forum for a while which helped me in the process of leaving and for the first month or so afterward but was all a bit too GRAR ALL ABUSERS ARE SOCIOPATHIC BAD PEOPLE black and white to be helpful for me.

So, Metafilter: Have you left a relationship of more than a dozen years (abusive or not) and thrived? How did you do it? How long did it take to start feeling “normal” again? What things can I do to make myself feel better now?

Considerations: I am broke (as in I have to budget for a cup of coffee with friends broke) and I have very little time. Also, I know, therapy, but I’m looking for other suggestions as well. Please be gentle with me; I am really fragile these days. Throwaway email: givemehopemeta@gmail.com

I would tell my BFF to DTMFA

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 11:37:55 -0800

Why am I having so much trouble leaving an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship? Or, tell me about your experience with leaving and how long it took you. Over the last few months, and especially in the last week, I've come to realize that I have been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for over 15 years. Reading this article really helped to crystallize it. I identify with all but the last sign.

In January, I let my partner know that I was extremely unhappy and we started marriage counseling (and I started individual counseling). I told him I would do it for 6 months and then see how I felt about it at that point. So far we've worked on some of the super hurtful things that have happened in the past but he just says he doesn't remember. I realize that I am never going to get what I need from him. I am so so done.

I'm feeling a lot of shame and guilt. I am a very competent and smart person. I have always done a great job at any job I've had. I have lovely friends and an amazing support system. So I feel like I should've put a stop to this so very long ago. Certainly before we had 2 kids. I know the standard answer is that this relationship has just ground me down but I feel like I should've stood up for myself more.

What I'd like to know from you, lovely AskMe community, is this:

1. If you were in a relationship like this, how did you end it? Both practically and abstractly. For example, he will have to move out. I'm the one that makes the money and the kids will stay with me. So practically, did your partner take some days off work and move out then? Did he take lots of furniture and stuff?

2. Abstractly, what did you do to prepare yourself mentally? How did you get the strength to say the words and then stand firm?

3. And how long did it take from the moment you really knew it had to end until you physically separated (I know the divorce paperwork and all that can take a lot longer)?

Resources for healing from domestic violence?

sockermom — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 15:14:15 -0800

I am looking for books or websites that are for people after they have left their abusive partner. I am familiar with a lot of the books that get recommended here on Ask like Why Does He Do That and The Verbally Abusive Relationship... but these books, and most of the ones I have read, deal with how to recognize that one is in an abusive relationship and why they need to leave.

So: I left, and now I am putting together a small library for the local DV shelter as a thank-you gift. I've got the staples in there, but now I am looking for resources about how to heal from domestic abuse. What books or websites did you find helpful? For the purposes of this discussion, let's pretend cost is no object.

I'm particularly interested in books that are more self-help oriented, but books that describe people's personal experience (e.g. case studies like Surviving Domestic Violence: Voices of Women who Broke Free by Elaine Weiss) are OK too.

How can I cope with a toxic parent while I work to get free?

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 14:24:40 -0800

What can I do to better cope with the mounting stresses of completely cutting ties with an emotionally abusive Mom? I have severe depression, anxiety and other issues. I'm seeking help, but currently inbetween doctors. When things get stressful, I start to crumble. Suggestions very much appreciated. Big wall o'text, sorry:

My Mom and I have never gotten along very well, and she has been emotionally abusive towards me for the majority of my life. She has a pattern of harshly criticizing my body, my looks, my weight, my intelligence, my maturity, my earning ability, etc for as long as I can remember. Tells me I'm fat, has said I'm ugly, a loser, a pig, won't amount to anything, worthless, never wanted me etc.

Naturally, when I've confronted her in years past she claims she doesn't remember saying anything like that, and usually makes me out to be attention seeking.

I've come to understand that it doesn't benefit me to vilify her and think of her as a monster, even though the things I went through hurt me profoundly and affected my life in a very negative way. I see her as somebody who has had a rough life herself, who is very likely struggling with undiagnosed/untreated mental health concerns, and I try not to take it personally. But I decided a long time ago that the best thing was to just stay as far away as possible, unless and until she seeks treatment for her own issues. She hasn't, so I try to keep a distance.

But even though I support all of my own living expenses, there have been a few big expenses I unfortunately couldn't quite cover alone. These were always car repairs, only car repairs, and I was always very thankful towards her for this because I honestly couldn't afford a solution myself, so I was stuck relying on her. Many times, her money was a saving grace, and allowed me to have a car so I could get to and from work. She'd always offered up front to help me with the car, and I truly appreciate everything she did to keep it running this long.

But my past with her is so bad that when I have to be around her, my throat closes up, my chest gets tight and I get knock-kneed. I have panic attacks leading up to having to see her, or when I see or hear her name or anything that reminds me of her. I fear her yelling at me again, making me feel suicidal and feeling that level of self-hate well up inside me is just very overwhelming. Her moods tend to flip on a dime and I get very anxious having to call her, be around her or be in contact with her in any way.

I also become really depressed after being around her because there will inevitably be quite a few backhanded insults and my low self-esteem dips even lower as a result. Then I'm in a dark funk for a long, long time. I feel a lot of really deep, horrendous guilt that I am not earning enough to pay for these things and that I have to occasionally rely on her to help me out.

I usually feel like a total loser and like I'm worthless, and these feelings are amplified 1000 times in her presence.

I have a history of severe depression and anxiety, as well as an eating disorder and behavioral issues like cutting. I've attempted suicide twice before, once at 14 years old and once just last year. I'm in the process of getting treatment (see below), but I am scared that this contact with her will reignite these feelings and send me into a tailspin.

Here's what I'm doing to fix it:

- I was seeing a psychologist regularly until very recently, but realized I was only getting "talky talky" therapy, rather than goal-oriented therapy. After a few months of this, I was not learning skills or feeling better. So, I will be trying out a new therapist (CBT this time) likely within a week. I also will be seeing a psychiatrist next month to discuss the possibility of meds.

- Between therapy appointments, I engage in creative outlets, do whatever helps me calm down when I feel the walls closing in, and reach out to my boyfriend for support when the anxiety / depression is spiking.

- I have been building credit steadily and responsibly, so I don't need her financially.

- I am going to be buying a new car very, very soon to help eliminate the need to call her for financial help.

- My boyfriend of 2.5 years will be moving in with me in the next few months, which will ease up my budget a bit and halve my bills.

But these things don't always work, and that's when my emotions can fly out of control and end badly.

What can I do to survive these next few months of occasional contact with her? What methods can I use to control my anxiety/panic attacks and deal with any depression that may spike as a result? How can I push my way through the challenges and come out whole on the other side?

Any and all suggestions truly appreciated - thank you!

Am I a bad person trying to control my partner?

Anonymous — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 06:44:53 -0800

Am I a terrible person? My partner and I have been dating for 3.5 years, living together for one. In that time, he's cut off contact with two of his friends who were also significant exes. I know from AskMe and otherwise how much of a red flag it is when you stop talking to friends as a result of a relationship, and I'm concerned that I'm unintentionally being controlling.

The first ex was The One Who Got Away. They were never technically a couple in their 15 years of acquaintance, but always promised each other the future and shared closer intimacy than many of his actual relationships. They had a falling out a few years ago and broke up without explicitly saying so, and AFAIK continued to email and just ignored it. (They've never lived in the same place.)

For a long time I felt like I was secondary to her, and that he was just waiting around for her. This was exacerbated by the fact that we were long distance for some time, so how was emailing me different from emailing her? After a year of LDR it came out randomly that he never told her about being in a relationship because it "wasn't relevant" (although it turns out that she'd known all along via mutual friends). I let him know that was unacceptable, he admitted that I was right that he'd had her on a pedestal, and promised to do better.

Anyway, they continued talking by email and chat almost every day. It didn't help that she was "uninterested in relationships" and had few others in her life. Even after we moved in together, pretty much the only recurring fight we had was about her. I wasn't worried about an emotional affair at all, but he had a pretty severe case of mentionitis and hung on her word and approval in a way that made me really uncomfortable.

About six months ago, she said something that was a little too presumptuous in her right to comment on his life right after another big fight we'd had, and he decided harmony in our relationship was more important than continuing to talk to her, so they stopped communicating.

The other ex was his first significant girlfriend and the impetus for a decision that shaped much of his adult life. I have no problem with their friendship and like her a fair bit, and she's always been friendly to me and supportive of the relationship. They started IMing regularly again around the same time that he stopped talking to the first ex, and chat a fair bit during the work day and occasionally on the weekends.

Last week, I glanced at his laptop when I brought him a snack, and saw a message to her that was...not inappropriate as in cheating, but something you don't send another woman if you have a girlfriend. I called him out, he went from "what did I do?" to "holy shit what have I done" in about a half second, I left to clear my head, and when I got back he told me that they had mutually decided to stop talking for a while. He admitted that they had become more familiar than was appropriate, that he was absolutely in the wrong, and that he had blurred boundaries because he's known her for so long he thought of them more as two girlfriends. (She is apparently also furious at him, because she assumed that I'd been cleared about their kind of chatter.)

So now he's stopped talking to two of his best friends as a result of dating me, and I feel awful even though I also don't think I'm particularly in the wrong. I want him to have people he can confide in and I encourage him to reach out to friends, but I'd (selfishly) like those friendships to not come at the cost of my peace of mind. He's been closer with female friends (who are exes) than with male friends all his life, and I know one of the reasons he leans on far-away friends is because he doesn't have a great support network locally.

We've talked a lot about this, and he says that these are compromises that he is willing to make for the relationship and he doesn't expect to start resenting me for it. I've told him I would be okay if he wanted to keep talking to the second ex, but he says he doesn't want to deal with that. I know he hates making me upset, and I worry that my anxiety (which I am taking meds for and which he's been very supportive of) is making him suppress...something.

I'm the first girlfriend to move in with him, we love each other immensely, have fantastic chemistry, communicate well otherwise, laugh about everything, and spend 24/7 together without getting on each other's nerves. I want to think these two incidents are unique incidents that don't constitute a bigger problem pattern. I guess I'm asking for a sanity check that I'm not being super unreasonable or controlling. If I am, halp, how do I stop? Otherwise, how do I stop feeling guilty?

How can I help my friend who is verbally abusive to his partner?

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 08:57:57 -0800

My friends B and N have been together for years. They are happy together, supportive, and good people. But N is regularly verbally abusive to B, in small, sarcastic ways. It makes me (and other friends) uncomfortable. Can I do anything to help? B and N are in their mid-30s. They have been together for almost ten years.

N is a lovely - though admittedly very strange - confident woman who is very successful in a creative field. She is a bit childlike at times, but can definitely fight for herself.

B has struggled for years in academia but finally seems to be getting his break. He is very smart, generous and a little cranky. His parents had a fucked-up relationship which seems to have affected the way he sees relationships.

B and N have managed to hold their relationship together despite several long-distance breaks, when B was sent to work far away. During this time, they made frequent visits to see each other. They live together again now, love each other (clearly), go everywhere together, support each other and work together on marvelous creative projects and hosting events for friends.

And yet despite this otherwise healthy, supportive relationship, B is frequently verbally/emotionally abusive to his partner. N will be telling a story and B will say, "I don't know if that's what I'd say happened..." in a jerky way. She will exclaim with laughter and he will quip, "Holy shit, keep it together." If she teases him he will get super-defensive and act like she did something awful. He will tell her to calm down, or make fun of something she has said, or just cut her down generally. I do not know if he does this when it is just the two of them; B never insults N behind her back (he is in fact quite reverent). But when you hang out with them you frequently see a few of these uncomfortable moments, when he says something horrible, just plain mean, and N kind of blinks, nonreactive, and then everyone moves on.

It is hard to think of examples of this behaviour - the above feels relatively normal. But know that honestly I don't think it's overstating it to say that this is verbal abuse.

N does not seem stricken by A's behaviour - she rarely seems hurt, and rarely complains. But she herself is an odd duck... N's behaviour is severe enough that many of their friends have discussed it behind their back. Privately, some have insisted B needs to DTMF, but that seems so glib. Their relationship seems happy and healthy - except for this one really serious thing. (I don't know if anyone has ever discussed this stuff WITH N - if it was suggested that she dump B I think she would dismiss the idea immediately. They really are a solid relationship.) Really I just think that B could benefit from some therapy, or their relationship some counselling, but we don't know how to help this happen.

I'm friends with both N and B, but we are not super close; it would be uncomfortable and strange for me to have "real talk" with either of them. My girlfriend is closer with them both, but not just as "girls" - she is close with them both. If she talked to B about it, she fears that he would only be able to see it as an attack, an out-of-left-field harsh criticism. If she talked to N, we think N would probably defend B and get angry at us for stirring shit up. If she sat down with them and said "Seriously you need therapy" well, uh, she fears losing that friendship and not actually accomplishing anything.

Help!

Should I go back?

sockermom — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 09:55:50 -0800

How do I let go of my relationship without feeling tremendously guilty for not trying again? You can look at these two previous questions for an idea about the problems I've had in my relationship. The bottom line is that I believe that my ex (we broke up a week ago) is emotionally abusive. However, I still love him very deeply and want things to work. When I walked out, it blindsided him, and I feel a lot of guilt about not bringing my concerns to him in a respective, open, and honest way.*

If I look at a list of abusive behaviors, he's done almost all of them at some point or another in our relationship. Things were getting better, but I think that was mostly because I had stopped causing fights by expressing myself and my feelings - as in, I was acting the way he wanted, so we were having fewer bad incidents. However, he did conduct himself better than he had in the past during these arguments/incidents - so I do think things were getting a bit better on his end, too.

I know about the cycle of violence, and so I'm trying to be rational about this. But I love him, and I want him to change - for himself just as much as for me. He's finally agreed to couples counseling, and he has apologized for making me feel small and sad and scared. I feel like I'm damned if I try and I'm damned if I stay: this is really, really hard for me.

I'm in therapy, which helps, but my therapist is on vacation for the next two weeks. She set me up with someone I can speak with in a crisis, which is really great, but I feel kind of lost. I feel like a failure if I don't try again. If I try again, I'll be certain that it was wrong if it doesn't work out; if I don't, I'll never know if I did the right thing.

What do I do? Should I try again? If not, how can I forgive myself and be kind to myself in this time of great turmoil?

* We had a fight, and when he started swearing and calling me names and getting in my face I just walked out and spent the night in a hotel. This was a big shock, and a few days later, after we had still been fighting (and he continued to yell and call names and discount my feelings) I told him that I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. I haven't been home since.

Where are all the good guys?

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Jul 2012 07:23:06 -0800

I have started to realize that I am attracted to men who are "bad boys", men who don't have their shit together, who give off a cool vibe, but their lives are just falling apart. The relationships I develop with these men are not healthy, and usually benefit the men with complete disregard of my feelings and emotions. I also noticed that the worse they treat me the more I want to be with them. I realize that this is bad and that I should stop but I keep coming back these men. What can I do to stop this? The men are the complete opposite of me: disorganized, no career, generally they tend to be broke, they drink a lot / abuse drugs, are late to everything, are flakey, messy. I'm nothing like that: I don't really drink, I don't do drugs, I have a career and make a lot more money than most people my age (so I tend to pay for their food/alcohol when I am with them), I am extremely organized/clean and am never late. I take care of my health, hygiene and my life.

Here's the relationship I'm involved with now: The guy asked me out. We had a wonderful date. I guess he decided I was awesome to sleep with, but he has no interest in my personality. He then started texting me and being very mysterious on a daily basis (making me very interested in him). We started sleeping together. The more we sleep the less shit he gives about me and the more mysterious he is (which keeps me interested and on edge at all times). I crave his approval/need for me. In the mean time he is also making a ton of public comments about being single/wanting a girlfriend (which I hear when we hang out in our group of friends, and see on his Facebook - he posts a LOT about girls/wanting a girlfriend, hot chicks he sees on the streets during the day). What he will do is tell me he hates his life, and that he's depressed, but he says that he will not talk about it. So I worry and worry and he just doesn't give a shit and gets annoyed at me when I tell him I worry, as he continues to tell me about how much his life sucks. He will not compromise for me (comes over, tells me he will spend the night, then gets a text at midnight and leaves), he will not do anything special for me (except cook for me with the food that I buy and please me sexually). We also have a common hobby that brought us together in the first place, and spend time with the same people in a very tight community in our city. The other thing I want to point out is that I am miserable with him in the sense that all the interaction I need to have with him outside of us being alone together is emotionally exhausting. Having to see what he posts on Facebook can really upset me sometimes. And finally just hanging out in a group together and him not acknowledging my existence sometimes can get tiring too. But when it's just us two, alone, usually at my place, I have a great time with him. He also claims that I'm uptight, and that my life isn't as exciting as his because I have it all figured out, and I don't party enough or do enough drugs/alcohol and I won't have awesome stories to tell my kids one day.

The guy I was dating before him was similar: no career, broke, did a ton of drugs (in front of me too, and didn't care that it bothered me), drank way too much, treated me like shit (he did stuff like completely ignore me when I came over until he decided it was ok to acknowledge that I was there). I dated him (he actually called me his girlfriend) for 3 months until he ignored me for a week and then I finally ended up calling him from a different number to ask him if that was his way of breaking up with me. He was also completely inconsiderate towards me , aggressive (lashed out at me if I cleaned something the wrong way) and gave no shit about my feelings (one example: I ALWAYS had to drive over to his place because my place was "shitty" and my room "sucked", and he would say these things to my face. I drove him around and got no thank you's, I would cook and clean for him and he would never acknowledge that either). The thing is, he broke up with ME! I didn't even enjoy being with him, I complained to my friends all the time, I was MISERABLE, and yet I didn't break up with him.

I guess I could go on because I have more examples of these relationships that I get involved in. Generally there's one or two redeeming qualities about these men, usually it's that they are smart and involved in a hobby I'm interested in and are really good at it (just as an example - let's say the hobby is hockey and I just got into it, these men have been doing it and are really good at it and help me out with it).

The problem is that I'll go on dates with more well adjusted guys and they don't interest me at all. They're kind of boring and I'm not attracted to them. And I'm just so desperate to be with someone that when the guys I do find attractive (these "bad boys") show a tiny bit of interest I act crazy, I will do anything for them, and I guess that's also a big turn off (which is why I think they lose interest in me but continue on sleeping with me).

So obviously I'm aware that this is a problem and that I need to stop letting these men take advantage of me and abuse me emotionally (because sometimes I feel like that's what they're doing). So why am I finding it so hard to stop? Why am I only attracted to these men who are complete failures? I'm female and in my early 20s, and these guys all tend to be older than me.

Will learning to orgasm through masturbation help me through my divorce?

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 19:43:35 -0800

Will learning to orgasm through masturbation help me through my divorce? Female, been married 10 years, left because of verbal abuse, disturbed by reawakening of my sexuality now I'm "old" (nearly 40) and unloved. I'm a 39 year old female in the process of divorcing my verbally abusive husband of nearly 10 years. Before I married, I had a *lot* of sex with lots of different men, and enjoyed it. I had a fabulous sex life with my husband that dwindled as he got sicker and I got more scared (he wouldn't see a psych/therapist, but there was alcohol/drug abuse going on, combined with bipolarism or bpd or some other disorder.) I was always 100% faithful to him and would be still if staying with him was even remotely an option.

We've been separated about 7 months. I was happy to think that I was now asexual and that I could devote myself to the life of the mind. However, as time passes, I am increasingly realizing that I am a sexual being and I'm struggling with it.

I guess the most immediate problem is that I cannot masturbate, at least, not to orgasm. I have a pretty easy time climaxing with a trusted partner, if I'm on top, but right now I do not have such a partner and the whole idea of a relationship scares the crap out of me. I have a bunch of healing to do, and I don't trust myself or others. I miss my sex life with my husband: I still love him, even though I'm 100% sure that I cannot be with him (safety issues - he physcially threatened me in the end, and now I realize the toll his emotional/verbal abuse took on me - I started therapy > 18mths before I left).

I feel like masturbation might help me with some of the stress around what is a pretty scary divorce (might involve foreclousure, bankruptcy, threat of further abuse/violence against me or my pets or possessions in retaliation) and that it might help me to become more self confident and self sufficient.

However, I've just never ever got the hang of it. I did masturbate as a teenager, but never achieved orgasm. The only time I've ever come was with a male partner, when I'm on top.

I've tried my hands, the shower head, bullet type vibes, dildo vibes, the Hitachi Magic Wand .... nothing's ever worked.

The secondary problem, which i figure can wait until I've licked my wounds a little more, is that despite my colorful past sex life, to me sex has always been far more about the intimacy than the raw physical pleasure. I felt like sex was a shortcut into getting closer to someone, which I realize now was very often a misconception, but was really always what I was going for. I find other people fascinating, i'm always the one deep in conversation with one person at the raging party .. i'm looking for the connection .. not necessarily the commitment ... but somehow at nearly 40 it seems all wrong to even contemplate "casual" encounters.

I guess that second thing regarding relationships with others, fleeting, casual, meaningful, lasting, whatever - that's probably just going to have to wait to get dealt with until I've cleared up the practical and emotional fall out from the separation from my ex. I don't know, but I imagine, that if I learned how to masturbate to orgasm I might feel more self-possessed and less anxious to work all this other stuff out. I also have the issue of now being middle aged and unsure of who will ever want me.

Memory loss as side effect of emotional abuse?

sockermom — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 08:43:52 -0800

Is it common to forget specifics of emotional abuse? (potential triggers inside) I think I was emotionally abused by my husband during the first year of our marriage. Unfortunately, I remember no specifics, and he wants me to give him specific examples of the abuse. It's a really big charge to level against someone, so I can understand that he wants to understand what was going on.

We fought every day and he would say horrible things to me. I remember nothing specific. He remembers lots of horrible things that I said, but also remembers nothing that he did wrong. He has changed. I know people say abusers don't change, but he legitimately has. Now he thinks that I still see him as an abuser, and I'm not sure how to explain to him that I know in my brain that it won't happen again but when he says certain things or acts a certain way it triggers me. I don't want to go through that again.

However, I can't remember it at all. I remember a few choice phrases and events. Him telling me that I was unlovable. Him saying that I was too fat to be attracted to. Him telling me that I was holding him back. Him telling me that I was emotionally cheating on him by talking to a therapist. He was crazy, and I know that it's over. I do remember thinking that maybe he was abusing me at the time, but now I'm not even sure.

Is it normal for me to be unable to remember anything more?

And how can I get over this? How can I learn to let triggers just roll off my back? Everyone says mean stuff sometimes. He's no longer abusive - if he ever was - but occasionally (once every six months to eight months at most?) he does something that makes me feel like it's all going to happen again, and I flip. the. fuck. out. It makes me majorly depressed for weeks and also makes me really mad at him.

I can't go back to that time in our lives and he can't either. What can I do to handle this if I can't really remember it very well?

Am I turning into an emotional abuser?

Anonymous — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 10:12:56 -0800

Am I repeating my abusive relationship? I had an extremely triggering fight with my boyfriend tonight, but he was the one describing me as "violent." First off, the particulars. Five year relationship with bf after 14 year extremely emotionally abusive relationship/marriage. Tons of therapy for me. Relationship with the bf has had it's ups and downs, but on the whole solid. We both quit smoking three weeks ago, which has led to a lot more fighting and nastiness than is typical for us. Until tonight, we had both agreed that we would understand that that was part of quitting and apologize and make up and let it go.

Tonight he did something very inconsiderate which he has done several times before, and which we have talked about several times before. The thing he did affects my work life, which I am extremely protective of. Not like a "Get me fired" type thing, but a "Mess up my entire day" thing.

When I found out, late tonight, after a long and stressful day, that he had done this thing, I was very angry. I said "That was extremely inconsiderate" and "That fucks with my world" in what he described as a very belligerent tone of voice. To be clear, these are the worst things I did during the fight.

He described my reaction as "violent" and extremely out of line. This set off all kinds of abuse triggers for me, as my ex-husband was often really violently emotionally abusive and unreasonably angry at the smallest thing.

I immediately apologized and said it didn't matter what justifications I had for my anger (quitting smoking, that the things I said were true, that we had talked about this issue several times before, that it would have taken the push of a button from him for it not to happen) were of no matter, that the fact that he had that reaction were all that mattered. I said it was an extremely serious thing for him to say to me as a victim of emotional abuse, and that I was taking it extremely seriously, and that it would never happen again.

Now he's sound asleep and I'm up really late triggering and writing this question. Was I emotionally abusive in my behavior? If so, one time is the only time, and I need to get more therapy immediately. Or is he overreacting and using my triggers of emotional abuse as a rhetorical tactic against me?

How did you tell others you were in an abusive relationship?

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 07:51:40 -0800

I realized last night that I need to get out of my emotionally abusive marriage. I'm really scared for a lot of reasons. For those of you who have been in my shoes, how did you "come out" to others about your situation? How did you cope with people who told you you brought it on yourself? Here are the basics: I'm in my 30's. I've been married for 1.5 years. I've been with my husband for 6 years. We are located in suburban Cook County. We have no children.

It's been a long, painful slide from being called "adorable" to being addressed as "you fucking dumb piece of shit" or "you fat lazy cunt." During the course of a day, he's more likely to tell me he loves me than call me one of those names, but when he does say that stuff, it cuts me straight through the heart.

He hasn't hit me, but he's come close a couple of times. For example, before our marriage, he held his hand up by my head during a fight and punched his hand instead of my head. We've been fighting so often lately that I'm afraid hitting will soon be on the menu.

But I have to be accountable here: Before he called me "you fucking dumb piece of shit" last night to end an argument, I called him an asshole. In doing some research, I've found that DV specialists don't consider that the most loving behavior either. I've hit him a couple of times on the arm during fights, but that was four years ago and it scared the shit out of me and I went into counseling and got on medication and I haven't hit anyone since.

I realized last night that it's not going to get any better. "I just get so frustrated when you do dumb things," he said later. I've tried being calm and rational during a fight, but usually I end up screaming and swearing right back at him. He refuses to get any sort of counseling, even when I told him our marriage was at risk. I am currently not seeing anyone either, due to my finances.

I am so ashamed to tell anyone how bad it's become. I've told a couple of supportive co-workers that I was not happy in my marriage and I was thinking about divorce before this, but I couldn't rely on them for further help. My support system is far-flung and for the most part, not located in the Chicago area. If I leave, I most likely can't stay here, as I have no car of my own, no money of my own, and I work for the same company as my husband does.

I'm especially nervous to talk to my parents. I come from a household where my parents screamed at each other about every little thing, but it never got to the point I've described above. My mom always told me when we heard about someone we knew who was going through DV or had divorced an abusive spouse that she brought it on herself. My dad will rage about the $20k he spent on our wedding and liken me to Kim Kardashian. In fact, my brother grabbed my arm 10 years ago so hard it bruised and my parents did not punish him and told me I brought it on myself.

I feel so horrible. I have a history of depression and anxiety and I can barely function these days. (Most of our fighting has been tied to my trouble at work and that the house is not as clean as he wants it to be.) I don't know where I can turn to.

(Tl;dr: I am in an abusive marriage which I need to leave. I have no support system where I live. I am too ashamed to talk to the people in my support system out of state and I don't have a lot of resources to start over. Divorce would mean a tremendous upheaval to my life on top of the legal proceedings. If you've left an abusive relationship, how did you do it?)

Feel guilty for hurting my abuser

Anonymous — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 10:23:18 -0800

How do I deal with guilt, anger, and complicated emotions surrounding cheating on my abusive spouse? One year ago, I left my husband of 6 years. He was not a monster, but he came from an abusive, neglectful family, and he was an angry, emotionally abusive person.

He was very controlling and disapproving of me and of our daughters’ interests and behaviors. According to him, our interests were at best silly and at worst signs of real character flaws or mental illness. When I talked about politics or economics or the news (some of my interests) he criticized me for being negative and said my interests were signs of severe depression.

He rarely gave me the benefit of the doubt in our interactions and seldom took responsibility for his role in our conflicts. For instance, I would be telling him about what I ate for lunch and he would interrupt me to say “Your face looks really ugly when you say that.” I would get upset and (having learned not to be angry or have an outburst of any kind) would say something bland like “It really hurts when you say things like that to me.” He would become furious with me for being so sensitive and would shout at me, which would end with me in tears. Finally, he would suddenly decide to comfort me and would reach out to hug me. I would be really upset and freaked out and would put up my hands in a kind of “I need some space” gesture. He would go ballistic and stomp around the room and scream at me that I was “pushing him away” and hated him and was the cause of all our strife. It eventually got to where I stopped telling him anything. I walked on eggshells constantly, lost 40 pounds very rapidly, and could see that his previously incorrect statements about my mental health were actually starting to come true. I was getting sick. Losing it.

Finally, I told him I was leaving him. For two months I told him. He didn’t believe me. He thought I was just making noise. When landlords of apartments I was looking at started leaving messages, he finally took me seriously. He suggested we go to counseling. I was already seeing one, so we went to her. At the counseling sessions, he exhibited many of the behaviors I referenced above, leading the therapist to tell me in a private session that he was abusive and unlikely to change. This strengthened my resolve to leave.

Then, I did something terrible and stupid. Two months before I left, after he’d known I was leaving for two months (it took me a total of 4 months to find a place I could afford and could live in with 2 young kids), I began an emotional and physical relationship with a man I’ve been very close friends with for years. I’d never in any way been unfaithful to my husband until that last two months, and when the affair began I went to my counselor, my pastor, and my mother and told them about it and asked for help controlling myself. I was sort of, but not entirely, successful.

My husband found out about the affair and assumed that this was the reason I was leaving him. He called my friends, family, and church, and my daughters’ teachers and told them I was an amoral slut and a sociopath, and had cheated on him and was trying to justify it by claiming he was abusive. He acted (and still acts) like a 100% victim in this situation. He refuses to speak to me at all (even about our kids) and tells everyone that I am severely mentally ill and a narcissist, or suffering from BPD, or a sociopath (depending on what day it is). I have not gone around telling people in this small town about his abusive behavior and don’t plan to, but the upshot of this is that I have lost most of my friends. Going out in public is very difficult because I often see people I know and they shun me. I can’t really move, though, because I have two daughters I don’t want to uproot.

My decision to have an affair while still married – even to someone as problematic as my husband – has seriously shaken me. That is not at all like me; it runs counter to all of my values and the things I believe. I believe that him hurting and wronging me does not at all justify my decision to compromise my principles the way I did. I feel intensely guilty over this. I also am angry that I have surrendered the moral high ground to him in the eyes of him and everyone I know by having an affair. He treats me like poo for 6 years, but my mistake in the final months of our marriage somehow makes me the villain in the story. I have no leg to stand on. I did cheat on him, and nobody deserves that. He is also really hurt by this – the fact that I was sneaking around and being unfaithful. He doesn’t trust me and I know he wonders what else I was hiding during our marriage (nothing else but intense unhappiness). I’ve written him an email and apologized sincerely for the infidelity, but he believes I’m just saying that because that’s what you’re supposed to say.

So, finally, my question. How do I deal with guilt and shame over treating someone in a way that I feel is really shabby? And how do I get my head around the fact that I feel so guilty about my treatment of someone who was so mean to me? I’m in counseling for this but it is really debilitating me. I’d appreciate any thoughts.

Help me bounce back from an emotionally abusive relationship.

Anonymous — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 20:17:31 -0800

I just left an emotionally abusive relationship. And I feel... off. Help? I'm a 22 year old female who just decided to leave my 26 year old boyfriend of 6 months. We have broken up multiple times before, and the relationship had degenerated to a really bad level. For background information, I survived a lot of childhood sexual abuse and family chaos, followed by a physically abusive relationship from ages 19-21.

He pressured me into a committing to a relationship with him very quickly, but I liked him and it seemed like he wanted the best for me so I went with it. Various troubling warning signs appeared relatively early: small put downs and complaints about me, my appearance and my attitude; blaming me for his lack of affection and our non-existent sex life; treating me and talking to me as though I'm stupid (FWIW, I'm a grad-school bound student that made Phi Beta Kappa now graduating early; my intellect is one thing I'm not insecure about).

I did bring up my concerns about these things more than once, but he tended to deflect the conversation or answer my questions about why he was doing these things by either listing things I do wrong or stating that I don't "deserve" affection, sex, or whatever I felt was missing because I do too many things wrong. Part of the time I bought into these ideas. The other part I didn't, break up with him multiple times. But after a few days he always called me very apologetic, promising things would change, finally giving me the affection that he had been withholding, and I came back. Over time it got worse and worse, with him randomly accusing me of seeing another guy, telling me I shouldn't talk to my friends about this because its bad for "us", mocking my sexual preferences, and stating that only if I don't "start a fight" for two weeks would he then think about sleeping with me again.

I'm in therapy and that's going well and very helpful. I KNOW I'm not coming back this time. And I KNOW I'm never letting this happen to me again. But I right now I feel... off. It's hard to describe, but I just feel really weird in an unpleasant way. Not exactly sad, but somewhat anxious that's only a matter of time before he reappears and attempts to reenter my life. I feel strangely empty at the same time, sort of disappointed this how things turned out, and kind uncertain about how to proceed.

The rest of my life is actually going great right now. It's just this thing that is lingering over me like a storm crowd. What can and should I be doing to work on healing and recovering? How can I get myself feeling relaxed and good again?

Any advice is really appreciated.

Is my husband's abusive behavior bad enough to leave over?

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 14:11:40 -0800

Is my husband's abusive behavior bad enough to leave over? Married 7 years, with a small child. Husband tries hard to be a supportive person and usually succeeds. However, since before we were married, he does things like this:

* On stage (he's a performer), tells large audience that I'm not in the seat he saved for me (I was in the bathroom) because 'She's probably out drinking. She's a sloppy drunk. Yes, a really sloppy drunk.' I am in no way a sloppy drunk. When I react angrily to this, telling him I feel humiliated, he gets FURIOUS and ends up basically saying 'How dare you get furious at me! I was just joking!' I end up sobbing.

* The day before we get married, he calls and says he's going to let his ex take his son out of town and she promises she'll have him back for the wedding. I say 'please don't do this. you know your ex will not have him back on time and this is an important day for us. please don't set us up for having to choose between delaying the entire wedding so your son can attend vs. your son missing the wedding.' He becomes FURIOUS at me for laying this on him and I end up sobbing.

Two examples of a pattern of behavior where he acts very insensitively or thoughtlessly and when I respond in a less than friendly way, he becomes FURIOUS and I end up sobbing. This goes on over and over; I feel like it's driving me crazy and am thinking about leaving. I can't tell if we are just having a problem communicating or if he has a real personality issue (or maybe I just have an issue with his personality). I've suggested he consider therapy for anger issues (I'm already in counseling). He says we need to go to couples counseling.

He's not violent or verbally abusive, but his explosive response to me when I react to him in "an unfriendly way" (his words) makes me wonder if he has issues that go beyond poor communication. He dismisses me, makes me feel small, and gets angry when I try to assert myself. I'm considering leaving and don't know if working on it is worth it. But I do have a small child and don't want to toss in the towel unless it's just broken with no chance of repair. Any insight?

Tell me about the treatment of abuse in adults.

Brandon Blatcher — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:08:27 -0800

What are some of the effects of long term child abuse? What methods are used to help adults recovers from the effects of said child abuse? I need to develop the background of a fictional character who has suffered from child abuse (haven't decided on a specific type, will go with whatever sounds interesting), so details are needed concerning A) What sort of effects of does child abuse have on the behavior, attitude and personality of an adult and B) on psychiatric approaches used to help mid 20s male confront, deal with and over come the long term effects of child abuse suffered throughout his life until he left home sometime between 16-18

Specifically, what sort of treaments are there for adults to recover from abuse they suffered as a child? Are there established "stages" like the 5 stages of grief, which shrinks use as a guide post for treating adults who are still suffering the effects of long term abuse? Does that vary, based on the treatment method used? Does the type of treatment vary greatly based on whether it was sexual, physical or emotional abuse or is it similar?

How do you stop your mother from being emotionally abusive?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 10:09:51 -0800

How do you stop your mother from being emotionally abusive? For my whole life my mom has made me out to be a terrible person and my brother out to be a saint.

I have always been responsible, worked, put myself through college, tried to do the right thing. My brother never graduated high school and has a criminal record.

My brother constantly accuses me of stealing things and my mom always believes him. When I ask her why she said "because you're a liar who steals all the time." She also frequently accuses me of stealing things that are hers, which she has misplaced.

I have never given her any reason to think I steal anything, and obviously I have never done so. There have been MANY times when she has found the things she misplaced that she's accused me of stealing, and when I ask for an apology, she ignores me.

Several years ago I allowed my brother to borrow an old used car of mine since I knew he needed one and I had enough saved up to get a new one for myself. Due to his behavior towards me I made him give it back to me a few weeks ago.

As revenge he told my mother that I had come to his apartment and stolen his Playstation while I was there. I have never even been to his house and didn't even know he had a Playstation.

My mother's reaction was to give my brother an expensive appliance I had given her for a gift, and told him to pawn it, and that that was her way of making me pay him back.

My mother then called me up and screamed at me about what a worthless, low thief and liar I was.

Later I actually got my brother on tape admitting he made the whole thing up because he was angry at me.

When I played it for my mother and asked for her apology, she said "And? What about you taking Mike's car?"

When I told her it wasn't his car, she called me a liar and an Indian giver, and told me I gave it to him to keep. I would have never done such a thing.

I asked again for her to admit that he lied about me stealing his Playstation and she told me she didn't want to talk about it any more. And I was selfish and made everything all about me, and stressed her out even though she was sick. Even though she was well enough to accuse me of these things.

I have told her it really hurts me when she calls me these names and makes me out to be a bad person, and asked her what she gets out of painting me that way. Her response is usually along the lines of, I say those things about you because that's what you are. Rubbing it in more.

I think she gets something out of hurting me this way but I don't know what, and I don't know how to get her to stop. When I was growing up she tried to humiliate me with it- when I would go on school trips, she would give my best friend a camera to take with us, telling my best friend not to let me touch it because I was too untrustworthy (a bizarre fabrication). What would a mother get out of making her own daughter out to be an awful person?

My question is this: how do I get her to snap out of treating me this way and saying these things about me? This actually doesn't come up all the time. At least 75% of the time we can have a functional and normal relationship. But the things she says to me during the other 25% are too much to bear.

I think some people will probably tell me to just cut them off, but despite all of this I love my family very, very much and I'm an extremely family oriented person. The thought of having no family or mom makes me extremely sad.

When you really just need to say No!

dancinglamb — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 16:34:32 -0800

How can I convey to my Mother that she is not welcome to be part of my children's lives? (very long, sordid details inside) Oh, where to start on this one. My parents divorced when I was six years old, my father died when I was 10. My brother (35) and I (38) were more or less raised by my mother (68). It was anything but an easy childhood, and looking back it has become glaringly clear that she is dealing with an unmedicated borderline personality disorder (I've discussed her symptoms at length with psych professionals and they all seem to point in this direction).

My maternal grandparents were very, very instrumental in my brother's and my upbringing, as they knew just how undependable my mother could be. It wasn't unusual at all for her to have the highest of highs, where she would spend her paycheques (she always had jobs, but it wasn't unusual for her to get fired for, uh, not being cooperative) on things redecorate the house instead of paying for the utilities. So, we never knew if we would have electric or if the phone would be on when we got home from school. Then there were the occasions where she would spend entire weeks on the couch watching TV in her bathrobe surrounded by empty cereal bowls and ice cream containers. My friends kind of all knew that she was crazy, and their parents took pity on us. As such, we always kind of had open invitations to dinner at their houses, or knew we could spend the night if she was on one of her crazy/mean benders.

I moved out when I was 17, after I found out that she intentionally didn't fill out any of my financial aid forms for college. She told me that I didn't deserve to go, and that since I didn't save enough of my part time money from my jobs (I worked from when I was 15; she charged me $300/mo to live at home), she wasn't going to help me, either. She also forbade my grandparents from helping me. So, with that, I said fuck it, got a second job, and found a room to rent. It was several months before I even told her where I went. (My brother made it out of the house at 18 when he joined the military.)

So, needless to say, our relationship has been very off and on again. And it's been one where I've never had a problem telling her how I've felt. Sometimes the relationship would be great - usually much better on the phone than in person (I'm in NJ, she's in FL), other times, not so much.

She did come up for my wedding, and was mostly well behaved. Fast forward two years to my first daughter's birth, and I was very clear that I didn't want her there immediately. The first visit was three months afterward. It was somewhat stressful, in that I was completely undermined in all things parenting-related - but that's nothing surprising. Where I drew the final straw, however, was when she informed me that I was not paying enough attention to Mr. dancinglamb (because I wasn't ironing his shirts, but sending them to the laundry instead), or waiting at the door to give him a kiss and asking about his day. She kindly informed me that, and I quote, "There are many much more attractive women that would be happy to take much better care of him" and that I better get my act together. She, instead, would wait for him at the door with a very un-MIL-like hug and kiss (as if to show an example?!!) Um, yeah. OK. With that, I threw her out of the apartment. I also caught her with my engagement ring on, saying that it looked much better on her...

I think it was probably a good four months before I talked to her again after that. My second daughter was born two years later and I had some pretty serious complications after delivery, where I ended up in ICU for a week. Mr. dancinglamb was really freaked out, with a toddler and newborn home, and decided to call my mother. I told him that he really needed to think that one out, but he was in a panic. Wellllllll, really, really bad idea. Long story short, I got phone calls every day informing me that it was, "Such a shame that I couldn't be there at home, because I was missing out on how much my daughter was changing each day." Mr. dancinglamb, THE most laidback person I probably know, actually told his Mother in Law to Fuck Off. The morning I was discharged, I ended up in a screaming match on the frontlawn (nice scene, indeed), where I threw her out once again.

Two years later (I know, I know). She made all kinds of crying apologies, saying how much she wanted to change. That she was on meds! That she wanted to be part of the girls' lives! The girls were 2 and 4yo respectively. Mr. dancinglamb and I needed to go to Washington, DC for two nights for a family event (not kid friendly). My mother *jumped* at the opportunity to come up and stay with them. She had been reasonably normal on the phone for months. I told her that this was her absolute last opportunity to redeem herself and that I would hold true to my word. She yes'd me to death, promising that everything would be fine, etc. etc.

Well, it couldn't have gone worse. Apparently she wasn't on meds. Within 24 hours, she had downed three bottles of wine, called my cell to inform me that my kids were, "ungrateful little bitches" (yeah, at 2 and 4yo) because they broke snow globes she bought them, and that it was once again a demonstration of my failure as a parent. I had to have a friend come get them out of the house (we were 5+ hours away). My friend got there the next morning, my 2yo couldn't be found at first - but then was located sleeping in my bed. They hadn't been fed, or their clothes changed. My older daughter told me that Grandma had hit and kicked the dogs. The $200 I left for groceries was gone, but there was no food purchased.

I found out all of this from my friend as I was driving as fast as I could back from DC. All the while getting nasty calls from my mother. I informed her that if she was still in the house by the time I got there, to fully expect the police to be called. Her response, "You're a bitch, and you're over reacting." She was gone when I got home. My kids cried and didn't talk for a day. I didn't have any contact with her for 2-1/2 years.

My mother sent me flowers for my birthday in October. I called to say thank you. She more or less knew the vague details of my life thanks to my brother (he's in distant contact with her). She can't call my home phone because I have her numbers blocked, but she's been calling my cell. I've spoken with her three times in the past two months (her birthday, and Thanksgiving). She keeps asking to speak to the girls. They have no idea who she is. I don't want to open that door. I simply can't trust her.

How do I deal with this? I know it's easy to say she's a crazy motherfucker, how could you even *consider* talking to her, but it's not that cut and dried. I have three remaining family members left (my mother, brother, and my mother's sister).

If you're still with me after the epic saga, I appreciate it. I know it's drama at it's highest...

Thanks.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Anonymous — Mon, 01 May 2006 18:39:27 -0800

I have been in a troubled marriage for so long, I have lost perspective on how bad it may or may not be. Outside opinions welcome. My husband and I have been married for 14 years and we have a 12-year-old child, who has some learning disabilities. He would never think of hurting us physically, but we live in a state of constant fear due to his emotional outbursts.

He is very angry about the lack of tidiness in our house. I have never been a tidy person, and he knew this when we married. We do have a housekeeper (1x/week), but there's a lot of clutter in our house. He recently told me "I am through with you as a person" as part of an outburst over the clutter. However, this drastic statement was not followed up on, although I told him how hurtful it was and tried to understand what he meant. Our stressful life together goes on.

When he helps our child with homework, he is very severe. They shout at each other. He doesn't seem to understand her limitations. He yells and force-feeds her information, and thinks that it's more important that she get a B in math than that she is a happy kid. She often asks me not to talk about her grades, or her losing things, to her father out of fear of how aggressively he will react.

We're never on the same page about anything regarding our child. He'll give one punishment to our child, which he has not discussed with me first, and they are usually so far beyond the infraction that I don't find them appropriate.

He's a workaholic, and in his time off he pursues a hobby on the internet that we do not share, though I do enjoy the real life manifestation of the hobby, which we do as a family a few times a year. I am very interested in playing and listening to and dancing to and writing about a genre of music that he does not like, so our time is very separate.

He comes from a verbally abusive family. His parents split up when his dad took up with his secretary, after a nine year affair. His mom totally lost it, and the kids that were still at home lost all respect for her. He was 16 at the time. I imagine he's still very angry, and feels a need to control his home environment.

On a recent get-together with his family, he browbeat our child so constantly that his sister intervened, pointing out that this was his only interaction with the child. She asked my permission before speaking with him, and after she spoke with him he insisted we leave and would not talk to me about why he was so upset with his sister.

My own family history includes my father dying when I was 6. We were very close, but he did spank me when I did something that was dangerous. My mother remarried when I was 11 and divorced after two years. Like my husband, my stepfather was very bright and could not stand my limitations as a child, which have continued into adulthood (i.e. messiness, having no sense of time). I was not privy to my mother’s relationship problems with this man, so I don’t know why they split.

We do however have a very hot sex life. Darn it.

But I am tired of feeling constant stress. My health is suffering. Our child could use some time when she doesn't have to worry about being yelled at over minor infractions. I've been yelling at her, too, lately about household messiness. Which is rich, coming from me--but I just get worn down.

We live in California, in comfortable circumstances. He works, I don't. As I see it, my options are:

1) to attempt to drag him into counseling with me, which I've tried but he fights
2) to separate, but I don't know what my rights are. Can I just ask him to leave the house and stay with our child? Do she and I have to go live in an apartment, and if so how would we pay for it?
3) to do nothing

I would welcome feedback from anyone who has been on any side of a similar situation, husband, wife or kid, or lawyer, or family member, or friend. This inertia is killing me, and my kid, and my friends. Help!