Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with emotional

Let Her Have It!

Leezie — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 19:37:38 -0800

Public emotional blackmail filter: She's trying to publicly shame me into donating. My inner child wants to let this lady have it. My outer adult says she's not worth it. How do I get her to stop while still appearing to be an adult? Here's where you come in. Neighborhood busybody sends mass email to everyone including yours truly asking for monetary donations for flowers for other neighbor who just had surgery. I don't know this neighbor very well and I'm not interested in donating so I don't respond. Sounds fine, right?

Wrong. Today I get another mass email from Busybody with list of all who have agreed to donate and then a sentence at the end specifically calling me and two other ladies out for not donating with the caveat that "it's ok" if we don't but she wants to get a really big arrangement which of course wouldn't happen without our money. Rather than shaming me into donating, it's just pissed me off even more.

How do I respond to this passive-aggressive public emotional blackmail shit?! I'd love to tell her to shove it (and "accidentally" copy everyone else), but we're all adults - supposedly - and I still have to live in the neighborhood and see her at events.

So how do I tell her that it is not ok to do this so that she'll stop?

Help me make specific suggestions to someone who needs to become more proactive and collaborative, and less reactive and emotional.

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 09:21:50 -0800

Help me make specific suggestions to someone who needs to become more proactive and collaborative, and less reactive and emotional. My girlfriend (who I live with) and I have recently had some major friction around what I perceive to be her less than proactive, largely passive approach to our relationship. She's a very quiet person who lacks confidence in herself (socially and otherwise) despite the fact that she's bright and accomplished (PhD, good publications, etc.). This might sound like an awful thing to say, but in my opinion she hasn't exactly "grown up" and taken on full responsibility for the direction of her life. We've recently had discussions about how she can be more proactive about raising issues in our relationship (versus just getting angry) and suggesting solutions in a collaborative way when issues do arise. We both acknowledge that I'm usually the one to offer solutions.

Yesterday she was informed by her employer that she was not meeting expectations and that she can either accept a demotion or leave the company. Thinking about it objective (as much as I can, of course), I think that it's a strong possibility that some of her behaviors that are negatively affecting our relationship might also have affected her prospects at work. Specifically, she can be quite emotional, non-collaborative, and critical (in a non-constructive way). Her manager confirmed that she wasn't taking enough initiative to drive projects at work.

She is having a very difficult time understanding why her colleagues have perceived her as having shortcomings. I am in the delicate position of trying to be as supportive as possible to her, but also wanting her to recognize this as an opportunity (wake up call?) to work on some serious issues that are impeding her growth in multiple areas of life. We discussed it, and I think that she took it well.

The question that I have is whether anyone has suggestions for dealing with these issues. I've suggested she investigate therapy as a potential avenue, but this sort of problem does not seem very clearly defined (versus, say "depression") and I wonder if therapy can help her with this. On the other hand, I don't want to leave it all up to her, because I think that (like most of us) she clearly doesn't recognize how people see her. The bottom line is that I'd like to make concrete suggestions to her for avenues that she can investigate to address these issues. Her simply saying "I'll be more proactive", without a plan, probably isn't going to inspire confidence at this point.

Whether our relationship works out or not, I still care for her and want her to be successful. I think these issues are really holding her back, and she's young enough (29) to address them before they become a serious impediment to her life.

Thanks very much for any advice.

I'm sure I'm being unreasonable, but...

Anonymous — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:38:25 -0800

What can I do to get along with my husband's family? My husband and I have been married 12 years, the last several of which have been somewhat rocky. He "met up" with a high school crush on Facebook and began an online emotional affair with her (she is married as well and lives in another state). After a couple months of high drama, that relationship ended and we are both working together on repairing our marriage. We feel pretty solid and have come quite a long way and I don't feel that this woman is a threat at all. The sticking point is that she is Facebook friends with my husband's brother and his wife, along with a few other mutual friends. My in laws know the entire story of their relationship and they know that it dredges up all sorts of memories of a particularly horrible time whenever I see her name, much less cheery messages back and forth between them. I've asked them once to please respect my feelings and to be supportive of what my husband and I are going through and to "unfriend" this woman, which ended in them giving me blank looks and vague "we'll think about it" answers and of course, they are still friends.

I'm really really trying to be the bigger person here and not let this bother me, however I agreed to watch their child while they go on a vacation next month-it was only after I said that I would that I found out that they are going on vacation with this woman. For some reason, this has me really angry. I feel as if the friendship with her is more important to them than my feelings and how seeing them make plans together and be all buddy-ish might be hurtful to me isn't a concern of theirs at all.

I realize I have no right to tell them who they can be friends with and I really should be the bigger person and go about my life, but it's difficult since my husband and his brother are close and my son loves his cousin. How can I spend time with these people who I feel are disrespectful of my feelings and still act like none of this bothers me? I'm trying to keep a friendly relationship for my husband and son's sake, but it's very difficult some days.

How to calm oneself after a severe emotional shock

flutable — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 05:27:28 -0800

What are some good centring/calming exercises for a massage therapist? I've had a huge shock and need to get myself together before Tuesday. I'm a student massage therapist, and every week my class has a clinic session, where we treat "real" clients. (who'd knock back a $20 massage?).

But this last week I've had an immense emotional shock, to do with an ex. It had nothing to do with clinic. The incident has riven my soul, and unsettled me very profoundly, to the point that I have vivid, almost panic attacks (mild histeria, perhaps?) that usually leave me in a blubbering mess.

I'm working through the underlying issues, which will take several months and much reflection. However my immediate concern is my performance at clinic on Tuesday night (27 October).

Does anyone know any "centring" exercises I can use to calm my mind before clinic? I could skip the clinic completely, but would have to catch up another time.

The reason for mentioning the massage aspect is that it's easy for a client to pick up if the therapist is unsettled. The treatments we give are primarily relaxation, and I'd hate for a client to end up as wound up as I feel!

I haven't done much meditation before, but have found that simply observing the breath as I breathe in and out a few times can help.

Any other suggestions would be great!

21 Male & socially incompetent

AugustEnds — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 09:34:37 -0800

21 Male & socially incompetent; How do I become more fun and interesting? Should I pretend to be happy so people will hang out with me? Socially I'm pretty screwed up. Emotionally I am pretty fucked.

I have so many problems that not too many people want to hear about. Furthermore, I’m not a fun person to be around. I am socially awkward because:
a) I have no emotional support or examples in my house; my parents fight alot; the last time they had a confrontation three household objects broke
b) low self esteem in high school and in general
c) terrible at small talk
d) terrible at what ever comes after small talk
e) no real way to handle emotional problems
How do I get people to understand me so I can rebuild my life (again)? Should I pretend to be happy so people will listen to me?

Normally I can adapt friends like me... those who are lame and downers. No body wants to be around a downer like me.

One of my dreams is to find a doctor any where in the world that is pro euthanasia because I can't stand my life. I'd tell him "sign me up for euthanasia" with the biggest smile on my face"

My other dream is to life my life to the fullest because what I don't think I can find a doctor that will do that for me.

I've only been on one date...
I play many sports... been a team captain for a coed sport recently
Today I overheard someone say to someone else at work I have "game" (skilled at dating?) but I can just be good at making a first impression.

I went through a depressive episode (nothing mental, more emotional) a few years ago.
My therapist suggest these terrible ideas to get me out (going to the park, go to free events around the city)
Don't get me wrong, but that's the stuff you would do all the time when you are lame.
I want to live more than that.

My friends don't get why I am so frustrated with life.
I am frustrated because I don't know how to create meaningful relationships between friends or family.
I'm not even going to start with a girlfriend because I can't even get friends and family on track.
My friend told me I can ask some out to a movie.
My problem isn't asking someone out. My problem is creating a meaningful relationship.
Why is my friend only suggesting a movie when I'm dying to know what makes people stay together from as lovers or as friends over many months or years?

Let me provide some of my life experiences in short:

Example of what happens with me time and time again:
[meet someone at school] ---> [share a few laughs] ---> [something bland like sports/movies/dinner]
{span of above relationship does not last very long... gets boring}

The other day I hung out with my friends friends.. this is what happened:
[went for drinks] --> [ended the night listening to some of the funniest conversation and friendly insults over drinks]
{above relationship may not be long but is exciting}

This is what my friends accomplish
[meet people through school/party] --> [whole series of events over months that are oblivious ot me] --> [they are in a deeper relationship] --> [experimental/meaningful sex]
{span of above relationship is meaningful}

I notice my life suck so much when I run the show. I am not pressuring myself to do anything but I know I can do better than this!

I want to laugh my head off regularly by surrounding myself with good friends and people.
I want start dating to become seriously intimate with a girl.

I am grateful for the supportive people who try to help. However I never really had understanding parents or peers.

Thanks for reading!

Emotional infidelity in an otherwise loving boyfriend...grounds for breaking up?

masala — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:33:34 -0800

Emotional Infidelity: Snooped in his email, found flirtatious, emotionally charged emails to other women, questioned his integrity, never got closure. Now we're broken up and this situation contributed. Was I too hard on him? I broke off a 2+ yr relationship recently (the following situation contributed), and have been wondering about this issue for some time.

This man was truly in love with me, and wanted to be with me in the long term (we're late 20s). When we met, he was still in the process of breaking up with his ex. His past relationships are characterised by deep emotional bonds and special connections.

Many months into the relationship, I was at his place and unexpectedly found his email open on the computer. I know I shouldn't have, but I snooped. I saw some email correspondence with his ex - emotionally charged stuff, with her re-stating her love for him and hope that he would come back to her, and him expressing how he still has fond feelings for her, even admitting to some confusion, and wishing her well.

But what bothered me more was that there were also emails to/from other women from his past - some overtly sexual, describing their "warmth" and, for one in particular, how he dreams of her. This girl lives in New York and he said he'd be on the next bus to see her if she wanted him to.

When I got over the initial shock (and guilt) of the situation, I questioned his integrity, and his strength. Why didn't he defend me to his ex, or tell her to stop communicating with him altogether? I too had had a passionate relationship before him, but we had a clean break, and there was no way I'd consider engaging in that kind of email exchange. Isn't that what being faithful is all about?

So...I confronted him. I told him everything I've written above. I clearly stated that I didn't think we should break up over it, but that I wanted some explanation. I also apologized for snooping and gave him the chance to call me out on it (although I realize that's pretty pathetic...the deed was done). He apologized many times over, and I resolved to let it go - I knew, after all, that he LOVED me and was devastated by this situation.

But he never did give me an explanation. He never said why he hadn't defended me. Never gave me a promise that it would not happen again. Sometimes I think I should have asked him for that...but part of me thinks that he should have found it within himself to revisit the issue after some time had passed and the dust had settled. To make things right and to communicate openly.

I couldn't shake this nagging feeling that my partner needs to be stronger...someone who knows how to do a clean break (as I do) and who won't indulge their lingering feelings for past flames.

Despite his not coming through on this issue, though, he loved me very much and made that clear to me every day.

Anyway, my question was about the emotional infidelity. Did I overreact? Am I being too idealistic in my expectations of a partner? Was this grounds for a breakup? Or did I throw away a good thing...

Train separation

LSK — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 17:26:41 -0800

Resolving emotional distress without resorting to a lawsuit? On a train (light rail), my girlfriend and I were boarding. I made it inside, but she did not - the doors closed on her; she signalled to the driver to open the doors, but the train began moving. We didn't end up spending the day together as we had planned, and are both very torn and frustrated over the experience. What can we do about this?

Ready to retake control of my life.

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 05:34:19 -0800

How can I retake control of my life and achieve my hopes and dreams with a clean slate? I'm not sure really where to start, but I thought this would be the best place to get some advice from people that seem to be in touch with issues of everyday people. Apologies for the length, I have a lot on my mind.

I guess my main issue is I feel like I'm on the verge of a total meltdown. I have been trying to resolve feeling this way for a while, but I'm afraid if I don't let someone know it will be much harder to fix this in the future.
I'm apart of an organization where therapy and things of that nature is frowned upon, so I'm going to try and avoid it entirely.

Lately I have been in sort of a emotional slump. To most people I'm a very happy, carefree person, but inside I just don't have the will to accomplish things anymore. It has reached a point where I'm thinking about just giving up and settling in the situation that I'm in. I have big hopes and dreams to be successful, but my peers and environment don't really give me the motivation I need to pursue these aspirations. I'm constantly surrounded by people that are wasting so much potential and I have started to adapt these habits. I don't want to be this way and I feel like there is nobody around me to turn to.

Most of my "friends" are mainly focused on just partying and having a good time. Nobody wants to do anything and I feel like there is nobody to relate to. I currently live by myself and it doesn't help that I rarely hear from my parents like I used to. They used to be my main source of inspiration and motivation, but now it seems like they don't care. It feels like I don't have anyone to talk to, so I spend countless hours in my room doing absolutely nothing. I think I'm a very intelligent person, but lately I have just been procrastinating on everything that I know I need to accomplish, but I will find every excuse to avoid it. Especially if it involves my personal goals.

Deep down I want to be more productive and I want to be more content with my environment, but it is hard. I'm not happy with my current job, but the organization I'm apart of is vital to achieving these goals I have. Mainly, completing my degree, so I can't leave and do something else. Once I earn my degree I can move on to bigger and better things.

I just want to have some people in my life that can motivate me and just be there when I need someone to depend on. I'm the type of person that people come to when they need help, but when I need someone, there is nobody to be found. I can't keep pretending like everything is alright when I feel like my world is in shambles. I just want someone to genuinely care and not focus on my shortcomings. I don't think that is so much to ask for.

I just want some advice on ways I can get back to my normal self and take charge of my life and accomplish the things I set out to do. I know it may seem like I'm being lazy or complaining. I'm sorry, but I guess I really don't know what is wrong with me. I'm trapped in a place where I barely know anyone and I have had issues of abandonment in my past and it feels like history is repeating once more. Please, anyone just whatever advice or anything that can benefit me, I'm all ears.

I created an e-mail account for anyone that wants to discuss further. AskMeFi687 at Gmail.com. Thanks

My parents drive me crazy.

divabat — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 01:32:04 -0800

How do I deal with my parents on limited resources without sending all of us into a fit? (likely to be TL;DR) My parents and I have a very strange relationship. Over the years it has gone from really bad, to quite good, to distant, to just weird. My mother, in particular, has a lot of issues that come into conflict between us.

She's the eldest of two, from a South Asian country, but was brought up by her grandparents as her school was nearby. Her parents died when I was very young; she migrated with my dad to Malaysia when my sister was a little kid (I was born & bred in Malaysia some 11 years later). Her sister is currently in the US with her family, and she's got extended family elsewhere.

She's always talked about how lonely she feels, how she feels that her family keep walking away from her. Unfortunately for her, her immediate family (us) are also the type to fly away. My sis is in the UK, I'm in Australia, and my dad's work takes him travelling often. We're far away not because we deliberately want to avoid her, but because we're all nomads and have found better livelihoods overseas. Still, she often tearfully accuses us of "abandoning" her, of "not wanting a mother anymore".

My dad isn't so great with emotional support. He's a typical dad - logical, stoic, sometimes formal. I'm the apple of his eye (Mum used to go on and on about how as soon as I was born Dad forgot about Mum and my sis and just focused on me) but it can be hard to get Dad to see why I do the things I do. He's very stubborn and has a certain view of what the world should be. Whenever any of us expresses a problem or vent, he either announces that he'll fix it all, brush it off with "don't worry be happy", or thinks we complain too much. The last bit sets Mum off SO MUCH to the point of fights - "Why don't you want to listen to me?! You're always away! You don't value me!!" I've often asked Dad to look after Mum a bit more but all Dad says is "she misses you two. Come back and she'll be better."

My sister and I, despite our age difference and she being far away for most of my life, are very very close. We've both turned out to be iconoclastic eccentric rebels (of a fashion) and we both understand and respect each other's life choices. My parents often try to ask one of us to lecture the other one on their choices "can you tell T not to travel so much? Can you tell M to call us more often?" but often we don't agree with the parents, we think the other's doing OK! Yet when we say this they launch into this tirade of us not caring about each other. My sister gets the worst of it - she's been yelled at so many times for supposedly not supporting me in my depression, for not paying for my education (there was a deal that she'd pay for my uni studies if she got her Ph.D. paid for; she never got enough money to do that but I wasn't too bothered either way), for not caring about me. Even though she's the only person in the family that respects me in the first place!!

My sister sometimes feels bad for me because she went through all the disappoint-the-parents stages first: changing her career from science to illustration, living together with her British fiancé before marriage, going off to weird arts festivals. This has put extra pressure on me to be the "good girl" - which, by my parents' standards, I absolutely "fail" at. They've just had a big upset over my sister declaring herself atheist (after her fiancé refused to perform the Muslim conversion ceremony at the upcoming wedding) - they will freak out if they discover my Pagan leanings!

I've just graduated university in Australia, and have just received a great opportunity that would involve staying here for at least another year. I like it here; I get to be myself without feeling like I'd be punished for being deviant. Due to high costs and restrictions on jobs, my education and life so far has been mostly subsidised by my parents. Getting the visa that lets me stay here longer, find a self-sustainable job, and develop myself to do the things I like costs more than what I have in my bank account at the moment, so I've had to rely on them again for money.

There was some back-and-forthing (which I thought was weird since my parents were pretty keen on me getting Aussie PR and were pushing for it at one stage) but they're now supporting me financially. Hopefully when I finally have this visa I'll have financial freedom and stop leeching off my parents. It doesn't give me emotional freedom though - my parents (my mother, especially) call up wondering where I am, why I don't call back (when I *do* call they think I've gotten into an accident, even though I just want to say Hi), etc etc etc.

My mum has been especially emotional lately. She told me she was "extremely sick"; I asked Dad about it and he said she was working herself into a tizzy because she thought we were fighting over visas (we have disagreements, which are tiring, but nothing to get sick over). It was only after I wrote back with lots of emails saying I'll be fine, I'll look after myself, I'll be responsible, I understand your troubles and know you want me safe etc etc, that she calmed down a bit.

Then today on Facebook, despite all my best attempts at privacy management, she found some photos of me at a Pagan ritual. "OMG SHE'S JOINED A CULT AND PRAYING TO STUPID GODS!!" I had to dodge my dad's questions and build a cover story of us "play-acting", just so they can maintain the illusion of a good little Muslim daughter. (I defriended my mum after another freakout over a blog post - one that she claimed will "send her into hospital with a heart attack". Backfired. She got EXTREMELY upset and claimed that I wanted her out of my life.)

My sister and I have both felt like cutting them out of our lives. But not only is it not possible, it's not very desirable either. When Mum gets a hobby, like interior designing a house or something, she becomes SO MUCH better. She leaves me alone for once! She becomes awesome. Yet now she's afraid of being alone and lonely, desperately wants us back into a country that won't welcome us, doesn't know what to do. And we both know that cutting them off is equal to murder - it's their worst fear ever.

I'm stressed out and tired of having to build my life around my parents. I don't want to feel like I have to hide things from them, but I've already seen the consequences of that. I want to be completely independent of them, but until I get a job I'll still have to depend on them to some extent. They'll always think I'm their "baby" and probably never will think of me as an adult. They absolutely hate the term "It's MY life"; when my sister told them that some years ago they went ballistic.

What do I do? How do I cope mentally and emotionally with this? Am I selfish for wanting to lead my own life even though it clashes with my parents' values? How can I talk to them without every conversation ending in tears (and me being worried about Mum's sanity) or shouting or anger? How can I be true and honest around them if my truth scares them so much?

I want to give my father a written piece to go along with his Christmas present. Help!

parkbench — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 16:55:28 -0800

This is the first time that I've bought my father an unsolicited Christmas gift and I want to attach something to indicate its emotional weight for me. I'm thinking of written pieces. Suggestions? This is the first time that I've really consciously bought and prepared my father a present for Christmas that wasn't somehow coerced by another family member. Now I'm looking for something to attach to the gift to point towards its emotional weight for me.

I write. So I was thinking of attaching a little something by me; maybe a piece of fiction, but it could just as easily be a non-fiction personal account. I might end up doing this, but I also thought of attaching a short story/essay/etc. that might even say it better than I could.

So I was wondering if people had any ideas for written pieces about fathers. I want something emotional but honest; I'm not looking for Hallmark, here. Hopefully the piece is easy to find or at least, if in a book, not a rare and esoteric one.

What are your favorites?

Trying to decide if I should stay on birth-control pills or not.

CrazyLemonade — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 08:58:40 -0800

Trying to decide if I should stay on birth-control pills or not. Please help. I'm taking pills called Gynovin, composed of 20 mg ethinylestradiol and 75 mg gestoden. Some googling tells me those are very small amounts of hormones, which apparently "provides great acceptance in women and a high tolerance".

I started taking the pills about 8 months ago, two months before I got married. I don't think I've had any physical adverse effects except maybe feeling tired a lot, but that could be caused by other stuff. What makes me ask this question is that recently I've began to think that a lot of my emotional problems could be caused by the pills, but I'm not sure, as there's also been a lot going on in my life.

Some "symptoms":
-complete loss of libido, (which is funny, since we waited for sex until we got married, and I DID have a pretty fine libido before)
-I feel angry all the time, plus, I get very explosive
-I've been feeling "randomly" depressed sometimes during the last few months, watching tv for hours or feeling ignored and unappreciated

Things going on in my life right now:
-I'm a high school teacher with a lot of work (4 groups with a total of 118 students)
-I'm studying my master's degree online (almost all the work is done in teams)
-my husband are in the last stages of building a house, with lots of details to oversee and lots of people and suppliers to supervise
-generally adapting to married life (has been mostly easier than I thought)

So, sorry for all the info, but I really don't want to spend my first year of marriage angry all the time and having no fun with sex. It's no fair for me, OR my husband, who I really love, and has been getting most of the second-hand effects of my emotional craziness. Yet, I don't know if I should blame the pills or if I should just blame life. I've always been prone to feeling emotionally stressed and anxious, but the thing that makes me most unsure is the complete loss of any sexual desire (or enjoyment). I'm considering going off the pills and maybe using some of the natural methods, which mean a lot of work, but no hormones.

I know this isn't really a concrete questions, but I know there's a lot of Mefites out there with a lot more experience with birth contro. Help me figure this out, please.

The Ex-Files

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 09:27:15 -0800

How do continuing relationships with opposite sex friends (and some former lovers) affect one's primary relationship? Can these relationships negatively impact the SO relationship even though there is no desire on either SO's part to cheat? I am in a relationship where we both maintain friendships with members of the opposite sex. We both have had minor bouts of jealousy and have openly shared them. I am trying to create and maintain the most healthy relationship that I can with my SO and am curious about these issues.

Are these relationship potentially threatening to the primary relationship in that time, attention and emotional closeness is directed outside of the relationship. I am looking for insights on this issue generally. Do exes pose more potential threats than opposite sex friends that have always been just friends? Does the frequency of communication raise any red flags, i.e. daily calls/texts/emails? What about if one SO is mostly excluded from the relationship with the ex/opposite sex friend? What if you are unsure of the friend's motivations? What about limitations on physical contact? What is your comfort level? What if you and your SO do not see eye to eye on what is appropriate--are there legitimate compromises?

I recently read an article about emotional infidelity and it raises the issue that these relationships can be damaging and almost always start out innocently enough. The article goes on to discuss that these relationships should be severely limited --i.e. no friendly hugs, no discussions beyond just basic pleasantries. The main point was that these relationships direct energy away from the primary relationship. Is this position too extreme or does it make a legitimate point?

Any personal experiences, opinions or thoughts are appreciated.

Is my girlfriend too needy, or is this normal for some people?

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 16:51:23 -0800

My girlfriend gets very sad whenever I leave for a day or two. We have been going out for many years. Is this normal? Does she need help? What can I do? Does she need friends? I live with my girlfriend who is getting her PhD. She has her preliminary exam coming up which she must pass in order to get her PhD. My mom's birthday is close to her exam date and she insists that if I go visit my mom for a day (in another city), it will disrupt her studying and cause "instability" in her life. She is extremely emphatic about this subject of me being away for a day at a time. I am usually away for two days one night every week for work, and she says that every time it causes "instability" in her life and it affects her greatly.

She does not hang out with friends at all, aside from class/work, I am the only human being she interacts with. She feels like this is ok since I am so important to her, she revolves her life around me. Now, I'm not nearly as commitment adverse as the average guy, but this seems excessive and weird even for a girl. My theory was that it stemmed from her broken family, her parents had a divorce while she was in high school and her older sister just went through a divorce (she acted as a mother figure to her after their parents divorced).

We fought about this for a while. In a moment of weakness I promised her that I would not visit my mom for her birthday until after her exam. I told my mom and she said that was as ridiculous as I thought it was. Is this a known condition or is it just a type of girl or both?

I also get this feeling that her sister agrees with her and/or is like her. Same with her mom.

Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire

mynameismandab — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 15:42:46 -0800

[AdultADHDMedicineFilter] What to do about Vyvanse-induced mood swings? I'm a high-functioning 26-year-old recently diagnosed with ADHD. A couple weeks ago I started taking 30 mg Vyvanse (children's dose). It's been great for my concentration, but I'm starting to notice other effects too.

In that time, I've found myself becoming extremely emotionally reactive and argumentative. I've also experience a terrible case of dry mouth-- my tongue literally is big enough for me to chew.

I've started limiting my dose to half a capsule (15 mg) a day, but it takes a lot of time to open the cap, consume half the contents, then screw it back together. I've contacted my therapist and am seeing him tomorrow to figure this out.

Has anyone else had similar experiences, and if so, how do you handle this? Is this just part and parcel with the medicine?

Make me kickass, Hive Mind.

Phire — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 08:05:10 -0800

How to learn to suppress my wildly emotional side. Or, how to be more like Veronica Mars? As cool as it would be to be the kickass teenage sleuth cracking down on all the evil baddies that the local sheriff is too arrogant to take care of, I'm talking more about her emotional constitution.

Essentially, whenever things go wrong in Veronica's life (and things go wrong a fair bit), her response is either to remain calm and assess the situation logically, or to channel her anger/sadness/whatever into productivity. I realize that she is a fictional character, but I do admire the ability to focus on an end goal no matter what.

As for myself, I used to be fairly unemotional and I was generally the go-to person as far as advice went, but the stress of moving out, the stress of hating my University for most of first year, and a rather unstable social life have combined forces to make me into someone I really don't like.

While I've always been pessimistic and cynical, now it's escalated to full on typical teenager angst/anger-at-the-world with a healthy dose of self-loathing. I overreact really badly to the smallest things that go wrong to the point of crying regularly (where before I pretty much cried every year or two :P). When I'm angry at something, I lash out at everything around me and find it hard to hide my emotions. When I'm depressed I essentially cease to function, regardless of what other obligations I have, and spend my time lounging around on MeFi until I calm down.

This needs to stop. I know I'm stronger than this and I would like to find that side again. Is it just a matter of suppressing the reactions as much as I can - fake it till I make it? Or are there other ways to be more at peace with myself and the world? Or at the very least, how can I make myself productive despite the anger/whatever?

96 Tears...But Hopefully More

AngerBoy — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 14:13:54 -0800

What's a good example of a song whose emotional power affects the artist performing it? I'm trying to compile a list of songs whose musical landscape and/or lyrics are so emotionally potent that the emotion emerges clearly in a recorded version of the song. Specifically, I'm looking for rock or pop songs with sung lyrics, and easily-accessible (album) recordings in which you can clearly hear the performer affected by the emotion of the song.

A couple of examples that rise immediately to mind are:

Michael Jackson's She's out of My Life (yes, it's sort of a mediocre song, but I like the bit when you hear him break down near the end), and

Nina Simone's live version of The King of Love is Dead, recorded soon after Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination.

Can you guys come up with any other examples? Any good tear-jerkers where the singer him/herself gets overcome while singing? I keep trying Google, but try as I might, I keep ending up at that godforsaken Roy Orbison song.

Help me figure out the next step with my dad.

Ash3000 — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:01:26 -0800

Have you ever explicitly told your dad, or any parent, that for your own emotional well-being you need time away from them? Have you ever wanted to? Is there any way to do this? Details inside. It was on a family roadtrip over the holiday that it's crystallized to me most clearly: I must minimize, for at least the immediate future, my father's presence in my life.

To give some context, I'm 23, six months out of college. My parents are in southern NJ, whereas I live and work in NYC. My dad pretty much systematically destroyed any sense of worth or self-esteem I may have had growing up. While he almost never laid a hand on me, the cruelty and pervasiveness of the ways in which he made me feel worthless, ugly, damaged and disgusting while growing up would require an essay to even scratch here; in addition, it's only been since leaving for college that I fully understood what a terrible role model he is and was, particularly in the way he talks to and treats his wife, my mom.

In the past few years, he's slowly reformed himself, seemingly realizing the extent to which he fucked up my childhood. For the most part, he's been much more gentle, less judgmental, etc. There are lapses now and then, but I forgive them.

Until this roadtrip. It's been such a merciless reminder of what it was like in my house growing up that I've been crying to sleep in the hotels the last week, listening to music I haven't listened to since I was 16, etc. I feel like a good chunk of the work I've done to not hate myself is melting away.

Bleh. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to talk to my dad (or maybe even my mom, who I sometimes hate for enabling him) on the phone, while I'm in NYC. I don't want to go to NJ to visit them. I don't know what to do. But at the same time, I want him to somehow realize (given that he seems oblivious) that he is really hurting me, that if I don't talk to him on the phone, there's a reason, it's not "fucking [my name] being [my name]." Part of me wishes I could scream at him about what an awful father he is, how much harder he made it for me to have normal relationships, etc., without there being family fallout. Part of me just wants to wake up with a new family. I don't know.

Anyone been in this situation?

Office bully is driving me nuts.

frosty_hut — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 12:03:55 -0800

I'm afraid of someone at work. I have a problem with a guy at work who bullies me when he's training me on a certain computer system. The first time I had to use the system, I screwed something up. This guy -- I'll call him Dick -- started yelling, "You just can't stop hitting that yellow button too early, can you? You just can't stop doing that!"

This rankled for weeks with me, but I didn't say anything to management. Last week I screwed something else up again. In my own defense, I work two jobs and I've been super tired, but it was an easy thing that I probably should have noticed and corrected. So while at job number one the other day, I got a nastygram email from Dick again: WHAT HAPPENED?

I flipped out and started crying hysterically, which I never do, and sent an email to Dick saying, Sorry, I'll do better next time. When I got to job #2 I asked to speak to our manager. This guy hired me and he likes me, and the first thing he said was, "I'm not blaming you too much for any of this. We're aware that none of you guys have had training on our system."

I told him I was at the end of my rope, that I felt targeted and scapegoated by Dick, and that I hadn't received effective training from him -- he flustered me so much during our sessions that I ended up not getting whatever it was I was supposed to have learned. I hastened to add that I didn't have a personal problem with Dick (not true, actually, but I didn't want to ruffle any feathers), and that it was just that I really needed some decent training.

My manager said that he had already paid for comapny training, but that the engineeers had been delaying setting it up for us. He said he was now going to do something about it.

I thanked him and then immediately felt bad. I've essentially bad-mouthed a co-worker to my manger, and now I'm worried. I have to work with Dick all the time. Today I have to go in there and listen to his loud voice. I keep trying to do my thing without running into him, but it's impossible the way our jobs are structured. So I'm dreading it. I just emailed him letting him know when I'm going to be in, and that he should make the studio available for me. No response. I'm terrified that the gloves are off -- that he's finally in full retaliation mode, after doing his best not to blow up at me (he may have been talked to before about a similar issue when I mentioned it to my manager's boss).

So in a nutshell: How do I handle this guy? He's always thought of me as a dumb blonde, and now I'm sure he thinks I'm a vindictive bitch on top of it. I'm so wound up -- I really feel like if he says one negative word to me today, I'm going to walk out of the job. I have a chance at a full time job at this place, and management likes me. This is the best place I've ever worked, except for Dick and his engineering co-horts -- they're the only dark cloud. I just don't know what to do, because this is one of those chance-in-a-lifetime situations. If I can stick it out here, I may be rewarded...but it may not be for months.

Why should I even be afraid of this guy? I should just go in and non-emotionally do my job and get through the day. I shouldn't be obsessing over whether people like me or not. But I can't stop worrying about it. You could say I'm actually afraid of this guy, Dick.

What attitude and behaviors around this would be the most helpful for me to have? Did I make a mistake going to my manager? I'd be grateful for any other thoughts you might have regarding this.

"I’m not crying ... My eyes are just a little sweaty today"

enobeet — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 10:48:23 -0800

How do you not get emotional when something drastically bad happens to your family? At the risk of being called a "girly-man" or being told to "grow a pair" I'm going to go ahead and ask this question. I know that everyone here is nicer than that.How do you not get emotional when something drastically bad happens to your family?

In an effort to save face, here is a little back story. This weekend my brother-in-law was abruptly diagnosed with a brain tumor on his brain stem. This came as a big shock to the family. He's in his early 30's. His symptoms started only Wednesday with a slight double-vision, followed by a migraine-like-headache on Saturday/Sunday. While we're not as close as my real brothers, we are business partners, occasionally golf together and attend ball games. I'm not the kind of person that cries easily, haven’t cried since my childhood. I didn’t tear up on my wedding day or when my daughter was born. The closest I've come to crying was my eye’s moistening up at my grandfather’s funeral ... and now on Sunday. He has 2 young boys that are getting confused on why everyone is crying because "daddy only has a headache". I'm their only uncle that’s around them everyday, the other ones don’t come around but a few times a year. They need someone strong to lead them through all of this; their mother's a wreck (as to be expected).

That’s the story, on to the question.

What do you do when you feel your eye's getting wet and your voice starting to break, but don’t want it to go any further? Before anyone says that crying is a natural part of the healing process realize I know this and will come to terms with it on my own time, when everything is done. I've found that doing lengthy mathematics in my head works ok when I'm the observer (funerals, hospital waiting rooms, etc). But when I'm explaining to my nephews why daddy's going to be in the hospital for a long time, it’s quite difficult to add 78,945,789 and 34,652,356.

What techniques do you use? What works well? Give me some advice.

concerned auntie wants to contact the lawyer

Sara Anne — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 08:24:51 -0800

Is it inappropriate for me to contact my nieces' guardian ad litem? After 15 years in an abusive marriage, my older sister is getting a divorce. Yay older sister! My soon to be ex brother in law is a bully and a master manipulator, and has spent years breaking her down with constant humiliation and isolating her by moving her further and further from her extended family. If she could get away from him permanently and never see him again, I believe that would be the best thing for her, but she can't because they have two daughters aged 12 and 14.

Now that he no longer has daily contact with my sister, my soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law has switched tactics. He has switched to a model of abuse by proxy, encouraging the girls to disrespect, disobey, and humiliate my sister on his behalf. While I was visiting over the Thanksgiving holiday, one of them stole from my luggage, and the other barely spoke three words to me at all, despite having previously been warm, affectionate and sweet girls.

The court has assigned the girls a guardian ad litem to look after their interests, which, with their father's reinforcement and definition refer to as their 'lawyer,' and whom they threaten to call if my sister doesn't let them have their way about everything and anything. My older sister blind carbon copies me the email she sends to the girls' guardian and the guardian seems caught up in this idea of 'empowering' the girls by giving them freedom to make certain choices, but from my point of view what is needed is limits. The choice they seem to consistently make is to humiliate and control my sister on their father's behalf. My sister needs the guardian to help her establish healthy boundaries and re-establish her authority with her daughters. I'd like to communicate this to the guardian, but am fearful that such conflict would be seen as inappropriate, meddlesome or could be used against my sister in any way (and, trust me, if there is any way to use it against her, my soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law will find a way). Any lawyers or abuse survivors out there who can advise me?

My Hot Trainer is the Reason I'm Motivated to Workout

chase — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 15:27:21 -0800

Where can I find plain language research results about emotional attachments to care workers? In general, I'm interested in articles about the process of how/why individuals develop emotional attachments to care workers. e.g.: physical fitness trainer, therapist, doctor, mentor, etc. Specifically, I'd like to find information that covers the range of the different types of attachments: crushes vs. stalker depth. Physical fitness trainer is the profession I'm most curious about. What is it about the profession of fitness training that lends itself to the cliché of women being infatuated with their instructor? Personal anecdotes are welcome.

What does it means to be an adult and how do I become one?

bluenausea — Wed, 09 May 2007 06:54:49 -0800

What does it means to be an adult and how do I become one? I've been bumping into the notion of "adulthood" a lot recently -- usually when castigating myself for (what I consider to be) my own puerile or juvenile reactions to life. But what does it mean to be an adult? Obviously, I am referring to emotional, intellectual, and moral adulthood, and not physical (a lot of adults are not "adult.")

When I exhort myself to act like an adult, I think I am demanding that I be more emotionally graceful, patient with other people, and more okay with myself and my life than I actually am. That I deal with things that upset me in a more modulated manner. And that I get less upset to start with. (For the record, I am reasonably good at restraining my juvenile emotions -- but I wish that I didn't feel them. I've also got major depressive disorder and bad self-esteem, which I'm working on, but I think it has had a stunting effect on my emotional maturity).

It has occured to me that a lot of adulthood may be predicated on being secure with your place in the world; your more "mature" interactions with the world may have to do with the fact that you have yourself pretty much resolved. But then, do juvenile feelings and behavior

I realize I haven't gotten this very well thought out. I'd stem from insecurity? I'd appreciate other ideas on the matter. Extra gratitude to those who can tell me how to get more adult, and quickly.

Do I have issues or am I simply a sap?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 May 2007 21:26:04 -0800

Am I on the verge of an emotional break down, just have some deep emotional issues I need to work through or am I just a big ol sap? I don't really get emotional in my day to day life. At least not in terms of sad emotions (yea, I'll get upset at someone and such) but for all practically purposes I am a rather un emotional man. I think I've become this way because of my rough childhood and such (long story, wont bore you) but lately, whenever I watch a TV show or Movie that’s even the slightest bit sad I start crying like a baby.

O.k maybe not balling but definitely tears rolling down my checks and all of that. Could this be some sign that I have some major issues? Could the TV and movies be my outlet for emotions I am not expressing normally or, like I wrote earlier... am I just a big sap that is moved emotionally by sad stories? Lastly, I guess I've noticed this for about the last year or so if that matters.

Throw away account: moviesmakemecry@gmail.com

How do I strap it on?

Kloryne — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 21:45:42 -0800

I’ve recently nailed a great job in an industry I’ve been trying to break into for years (finally, nothing to do with TV/film). But I want to learn how to “toughen up.” I have no problem taking criticism when I make mistakes or even receiving suggestions about how to do a job more efficiently. I’m always ready to cop to an error and do whatever I can to improve. But I just can’t cotton to rudeness. My new boss recently lost his patience with me as I was trying to look something up in a database I (and the woman who was training me) was unfamiliar with. I was on the phone to him while he was abroad, trying to find the information he needed when he said bruskly, “Come on… this can’t be that hard. It’s just one piece of information I need. Come on!” The day before he replied to a question of mine with, “That’s the most ridiculous question you could ask me.” (BTW: No one else in the office seems shaken when he says these things to them.)

I realize this is not the equivalent of a supermodel throwing a crystal-encrusted cell phone at my head, but when I’m spoken to that way, I just shut down. Something in me starts to childishly pout, and I loose focus for the rest of the day.

In past jobs when I’m spoken to rudely I’ve either a) continued with the task at hand and then slunk off to the bathroom to cry or b) decided then and there that I would start looking for a new job.

But, this job is an important inroad for me and it seems Mr. new boss is going to be saying things like this to me on a regular basis. Does anyone out there have any techniques I can use to help unwussify myself? Toughen up a bit? I’m thinking of the equivalent of “Imagine they’re all in their underwear” to a person afraid of public speaking. I don’t expect I can just immediately change my personality.

The last thing I want to do is start resenting my boss to the point that I give up altogether. I need to stay here long enough to move on with my (hopefully) new career.

Good Dog! Silly Woman!

oflinkey — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 17:56:57 -0800

Why do dog shows make me cry? This is so stupid, but I am wondering if I am just a sappy freak or if this happens to other people as well.

As I was flipping through the channels tonight, I happened upon a dog show. I watched for about 10 minutes, and as the winners were named, I started to laugh and get seriously teary. The descriptions of the dogs get to me ("...lhasas were originally bred for rat-catching and indoor defense in Tibetian temples...") What is with this?!

I am not particularly overemotional, or known for crying at movies or during sad shows. I am not really thinking the dogs are being mistreated or that the show is inherently cruel, but I cannot figure out why a dog show would make me cry.

Anyone else have this kind of problem? Maybe not with dog shows? Am I just a wacko?