Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with embarrassment

Why, yes, I'd love a free meal!

venividivici — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 04:08:55 -0800

When someone invites you to dinner or a party at their house, is there a tactful way to indicate that you can't bring anything, or to prevent them from asking? I've recently moved to a new town (in northern England) for about 9 months in order to finish up the field work for my dissertation. The people here have been incredibly kind and really "taken me in," particularly since I didn't know a soul when I moved here. They're constantly inviting me over for tea, dinners, parties on the weekends, etc., and all my fears about having no social life pretty much vanished by the end of the second week.

The problem, however, is that I'm absolutely, utterly broke -- fellowships and grants pay my rent and bills and leave me with only $60 a month for food (yes, that's dollars, not pounds, alas) if I'm lucky. I feel very uneasy, not to mention rude, that I can't reciprocate for these people. It's also extremely embarrassing to go to a party and watch everyone file in, dutifully handing over their flowers and bottles of wine, while knowing that I'm the only person in the room who hasn't done the same. So far, I've settled the issue by writing thank-you notes/cards afterwards, and this has worked well. Many have said what a joy it is to get a real, handwritten thank-you note in this day and age.

The problem now, however, is that when people invite me over, sometimes they will casually ask me to bring drinks or dessert or an appetizer. I'm sure it's never occurred to them (most are quite well off) that doing so would force me to blow 20% of my food budget on one evening, and that I'd have to skip meals at the end of the month to make up for it. I don't want to be vulgar by discussing money with people who are, in effect, no more than acquaintances -- and unfortunately I don't have a close friend here that I could use to spread the word on my behalf. But the situation now isn't working, and I get the strong feeling from several people that my constantly showing up empty-handed is coming off a bit rude. Which, really, it is.

A friend this weekend planned a big, lavish dinner for Saturday night and off-handedly said over the phone, "Can you bring over some Ben & Jerry's?" and after a pause I simply said, "No, I'm sorry. I can't." Extremely awkward silence ensued, of course. But isn't that far less awkward than telling these people (who, after all, barely know me) that I really am this broke? I don't know a tactful way to say, "I really appreciate everything you're doing for me, but if you're going to give a starving student a free meal, it really has to be completely and totally free, because otherwise I'm going to have to start lying and saying I'm busy."

I've mentioned to most of them, in other contexts, that I'm living on a very tight budget, and I'm sure this is why so many people are inviting me over. They're very kind people and I'm grateful. But they clearly don't understand the intensity of graduate student poverty, and it's getting awkward.

Words of Wisdom, From a Guy That Doesn't Know A Whole Lot.

backseatpilot — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 09:52:09 -0800

I'm looking for cliches and stereotypes from movies and television about weddings, marriage, home ownership, raising children... As best man at my younger brother's wedding, I have to give a speech at the reception. I've decided on a theme: "things your older brother is responsible for teaching you, except you've gone and done it before him". Brother is getting married, they bought a house, and I fully expect him to have children soon; I have done none of these things.

So, for part of the speech, I plan on imparting some life lessons to him and his bride. Having never done any of the things that I need to be teaching him about, I plan to take all of these "life lessons" from popular movies and television. I'm looking for some cliches and stereotypes that fit the bill. Think of the "Things I Learned From the Movies" list that was very popular back in the early days of the internet, e.g. "Every trip to the grocery store always includes at least two loaves of French bread". I want things like that, applied to marriage, owning a home, and children (and anything else that fits within the theme).

If you have still photos that exemplify the cliche, I'd love to see those. There will be PowerPoint.

Blurt Support

dog food sugar — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 07:23:37 -0800

Remember this question (compelled to blurt)? Help me, a non-blurter, support my blurting partner. What an eye-opener that thread was for our household. I've always noticed he did this, but probably not as often as I do now after reading that thread. While he found great comfort reading that thread by finding others who do this too, I worry I'm making it worse now that I notice it so much more. Before I used to just ignore it and that's probably best. I don't mean to react, but my reaction seems to be making his utterances more frequent. I want to be supportive, loving, all that!

So tell me - if you have this dynamic in your life, what helps you?

Compelled to Blurt...

Alabaster — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 19:08:23 -0800

What's with my weird compulsion? As far as I am aware, I am a mentally healthy, well-adjusted, and sane person with no disorders. But I have a strange, fairly innocuous quirk which seems beyond my control and I'm curious about it...

When I think of / remember something embarrassing from my life, I compulsively make some kind of noise. It seems to happen unconsciously, before my censor can catch it and stop myself (it even happens when I am in a quiet or inappropriate place).

It's not especially loud, in fact it's often under my breath. The sound is usually just a quiet grunt, or a word/syllable or two. If I remember an embarrassing conversation, I tend to blurt out a random word of the conversation (as in, I'm replaying the dialogue in my head but then all the sudden one of the words pops out of my mouth). If it happens while I'm reading, I tend to blurt out one or two of the words that happen to be under my eyes at the moment.

It usually only happens when I'm remembering something palpably embarrassing or humiliating from my life -- not for mild everyday kind of stuff. (Again, I had a fairly happy childhood and have nothing particularly traumatic in my past -- I don't think my embarrassing memories are any worse than the average joe's)

So what is this, do I have some kind of low-grade tourette's syndrome? Is there a name for this phenomenon? Does it happen to others or is it unique to me?

How to deal with memories of long past embarrassments?

Riemann — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 19:32:32 -0800

How to deal with memories of long past embarrassments? First off, I am sure that a lot of the answers to this question (assuming it gets any of course) will be along the lines of: Get Therapy. This is both potentially correct and completely useless. I likely will seek out such resources though, for various reasons, that will probably be in July or later. What would be useful would be more specific recommendations for what kind of resources to look for in the greater Seattle area (preferably north Seattle). I've never been to any kind of therapy so what kind of specialties to look for or what to expect would also be good info.

I especially am wondering if anyone else knows what I am talking about here and if they know of anyone for whom treatment was successful.

Ok, that out of the way, I need help coping with a mental problem. What it boils down to is that whenever I am not concentrating on an activity (eg: reading, video game, painting etc...) I invariably and uncontrollably remember minor embarrassing incidents from as much as 20 years ago. It's like living in a bad Chris Farley movie. As soon as my attention wanders even a bit immediately I remember, as if living it over again, some stupid minor cringe inducing maddening faux pas.

Things that were a minor embarrassment years ago torment me constantly. Oddly enough, usually bigger mistakes not so much. I know on some level that these memories were minor incidents at the time and should have no bearing on my life now but I just can't stop. I feel incredibly guilty about forgetting my wallet when going out and having to borrow a few bucks from a friend in high school.

And it's getting worse. Once in a while I'll have a bad day where I have to completely tune out the world and focus on something for 6-8 hours or end up a gibbering wreck (eg: must sit in a quiet space and read an entire novel cover to cover, or play a computer game that is difficult enough to require real concentration all day). It doesn't happen often but it does seem to be getting more frequent.

So, any links to resources, advice or similar anecdotes would really help me out. Thanks.

How do you avoid staring at cleavage?

long haired lover from liverpool — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 14:02:51 -0800

How do you avoid looking down cleavage? So I'm sitting at a desk and a colleague bends down to talk to me. Huge pendelous breasts in front of me. I try to look her in the eyes while talking but that makes me seem weird, as does peering out of the window, or at the carpet.

I'm approaching middle age and I still don't know how to deal with this! Will I ever? As far as I can tell this is just instinct.

How can I graciously remind someone of my name?

amtho — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 15:50:07 -0800

After much struggle, I am finally getting good at remembering people's names. This new skill has opened a new avenue of embarrassment for me, though. I now frequently greet acquaintances by name, but often when I do so, they can't remember my name even though it's obvious they want to. What's the most gracious way of reminding someone of your name while minimizing embarrassment all around? (posted by amtho's fiance)

Cities that have changed their names

interrobang — Thu, 29 Dec 2005 17:55:42 -0800

Have any U.S. cities (or cities elsewhere) ever changed their name out of embarrassment? If so, what were the reasons?